#but I've had this sitting on my hard drive for over a year unfinished and I still think it's cute so here we go

[chronosabyss]

Going to the Celestial Ball with the gf

[kuwdora]

hiiiii!, you were one of the og vidders from LJ vidding community days and i've always admired your vids and skills from afar, so:

12, 13, 26 for vidding ask!

Oooh hiiiii there. You are so sweet! You don’t have to admire from afar! Come sit on the couch with me and we can squee together. You can ask me anything you'd like!! (I love your Andor vid btw, I think it’ll be popping out of my queue any day now.) Most underrated vid that you wished had gotten more views?

I love that 80% of people so far have asked this question because it means I can answer with different vids each time. This is a loaded question, in my opinion, and actually one that shows up on the end-of-year vidding reflections I do nearly every year - and I always never know how to answer.

I learned early on when I looked at the YouTube analytics and found most people don’t actually finish vids they click on in my catalogue, which means maybe they weren’t the audience for it anyway.

It’s also a matter of audiences being able to find my vids and know I’ve made them. I’ve never prioritized learning how to do metadata on YouTube for my videos to show up more in searches. I also am terrible at crossposting and archiving my vids in multiple places for people to find them.. So there’s tons of people who might not even know I’ve made something they’d like to see. Especially since I’ve been doing it for so long and moved through different fannish platforms along thet way.

Here is my Toshiko Sato from Torchwood vid that I made in 2008 to The Ranctouer’s “Steady As She Goes.” I think this can qualify as underappreciated. Hope you enjoy!

Vid that took you the longest the edit?

Since you know me from way back in the day, I’ll answer this with something I’ve talked about in great before that I think you might like to read (if you haven’t already!): High Voltage, my Stargate Ancients fanvid. It took me ~5 years to make. But I actually spent most of those years rewatching the show and thinking about the song and watching a lot of vids and how they told stories. It took me more time to figure out how to tell a subtextual narrative about a group of characters (the Ancients) and across a 3-show franchise that the showrunners never had fully tied together. You can read more about my years-long experience learning how to make High Voltage here on tumblr as well as over here because I really can write like 6,000 words about it. Any vidding rituals you have?

I always try to export drafts of my vids and try to remember upload them cloud storage so that even in the worse case scenario that my hard drive fails that I still have a copy of it somewhere. I had a hard drive failure recently and I actually hadn’t backed up a lot of those files to my cloud storage so there’s a lot of old unfinished stuff that I love and won’t finish but I don’t have a chance to revisit like a beloved trinket on a shelf anymore. (Archive and backup everything, ritualize that as much as possible in your own lives and projects!)

Also? My vid draft file naming convention: kuwdrafta_vidsong-name[date].mp4 Thank you for the lovely asks!! Get to Know the Vidder ask game! Send me an ask!

[astorytotellyourfriends]

Writing asks: 23 & 30 please! <3

23. Dialogue or description? Why is the other one so hard?

oh i love dialogue. love it!!! but i also enjoy writing descriptions, though not of the characters themselves. i know one of my grand weaknesses is character descriptions and if i ever branch out beyond fanfiction i am so completely fucked in that department. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVE TO DESCRIBE THEIR LOOKS?? CAN'T U JUST SEE INTO MY BRAIN WITHOUT ME HAVING TO DO IT????

30. Describe a fic that almost happened, but then it didn’t.

oh. oh god. my fic graveyard is plentiful and terrible. there's the hockey au that started as a 1d fic and then got shelved and then reimagined as a jatp fic and then shelved once again. it will never see the light of day. there was also the single dad au for jatp that i plotted 90% of and was very excited about but unfortunately my inspo for jatp up and vanished very quickly after because hellcheer took over my entire life. so far i haven't added any hellcheer fics to my graveyard but there are quite a few in my plot folder that i've had since summer 2022 so ... we'll see.

wait i lied i started writing a hellcheer au where The Gang is driving an rv to like myrtle beach for spring break and eddie finds out right before they leave that chrissy and jason broke up so this is his chance to Make A Move and he spends 90% of the fic fucking it up :) i was gonna write it for one of the year of the otp prompts last year but then pivoted at the last minute and now it just sits unfinished and will probably stay that way :(

writing questions

[jazzforthecaptain]

20 Fanfic Questions

Thanks to @merfilly for the tag!

How many works do you have on AO3?

126

What’s your total AO3 words count?

577,228

What fandoms do you write for?

Superwood (Supernatural/Torchwood crossover) is my biggest, followed by Supernatural, the Fast & Furious franchise, and Anne of Green Gables.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Down in Mexico (The Fast & The Furious)

Shine the Hood (The Fast & The Furious)

Rilla Blythe's Wedding: A Not Entirely Comprehensive Account (Anne of Green Gables)

Field Work (Supernatural)

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I love responding to comments. I don't get to it as often as I used to, but I really enjoy making a pot of tea and sitting down with my laptop to answer everything in my inbox. If you send me love, you will (eventually) get love back.

What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Ugh, Luminaria for sure, which I'm not linking because of some of the themes - you'll need to look that one up on your own and read ALL of the tags before proceeding. I didn't realize how hard of a time I'd have writing that one until I was in the middle of it, although I suppose I should have known considering I was finally going to touch the one hot point of Jack's sad history that I'd been avoiding. I think it was the first time I've ever written Ianto, really written him, and fuck, the PAIN.

What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

As I'm going through my fics, like, fuck, do I write actual happy endings? Considering the characters I write, it's not super surprising. How about Adventures in Holiday Baking? Everyone's happy and they save the dragons with German pastries? Field Work ends pretty okay?

Do you get hate on fics?

Not really. I think that's the blessing of existing in semi-anonymity. I have some fics that have racked up some surprising kudos, but I write for niche ships and very dead fandoms. I get the occasional weird comment, but nothing I'd call hate.

Do you write smut. If so what kind?

Yes. I have a hard time writing explicit smut because several of the characters I write frequently really balk at using the typical jargon in their narratives, and I cannot write flowery purple prose anymore. It's easier to write smut from some characters' viewpoints than others. I've written mild kink and I enjoy writing characters in kinky scenes, but I don't think I'm very good at it.

Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Aha. Ahaha. Ahahahahaha. *sob*

Angels in the Architecture. I took my most dearly beloved fandoms and I made a jello salad with them.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not really? I mean-- *gestures over shoulder at the restaurant alley dumpster full of raccoons* --who wants this?

Have you ever had a fic translated?

I've had some offers, which I accepted, but I have no idea if they were translated or not.

Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

Yes! Several times! I've gotten a little more withdrawn about collabs in my old age, but I've enjoyed the fics I've written with partners (and the Legendary One still sitting unfinished in my drive).

What’s your all-time favourite ship?

Look at my icon. You see my icon? It's Them. They haunt me. They will not leave me alone. Writing this ship is a lonely, lonely existence. Send help.

What’s a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

I am the kind of author who abandons a fic for almost a decade and then finishes it in six months, so I'll never say never. Indecent Rhythm certainly haunts me. The problem with that fic is I feel like I'm too old, jaded and scarred to finish it with the optimism with which I started it. I have a feeling there are people now who read that when they were teenagers who have kids now, and have had their own imagined endings to it for years, and so maybe I should just let them be and have the endings that they wanted rather than whatever I could come up with.

What are your writing strengths?

Settings. I dig into settings and I love including local color. Some of the memorable details from fics (Down in Mexico specifically comes to mind) come from me doing a street view tour of a neighborhood, wandering around to see what a city I've never visited looks like from the sidewalk.

What are your writing weaknesses?

Plotting in general. I have scenes, sometimes loose what-ifs. Bringing a story from idea to satisfying finish is paralyzing and 90% of the reason I don't finish a fic. I enjoying writing. The planning is a bitch of a dissatisfactory situation.

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

If I have a good reason for it, I'll do it, but there are usually better ways to go about including other languages in fic. I've been learning Italian, however, and I've been itching to try writing drabbles in Italian.

First fandom you wrote for?

The Firebringer Trilogy, by Meredith Ann Pierce.

Favourite fic you’ve ever written?

It used to be Life Support, which is one of the fics I reread periodically and just kind of gape at myself because I forget I can write like that. But it's been upstaged by Out of the Empty, because that fic allowed me to incorporate all of the loopholes we got in the final season of Supernatural to scoop Castiel entirely out of the canonverse, to write Empty!Meg, and to write lovers meeting in dreams (more or less) before they meet in person, which is a favorite romance trope of mine. I worked a lot of my rage at the series out in that fic, and it's one of the few fics I can say I'm completely happy with.

Tagging: @naryrising @ladylilithprime @rodiniaorzetalthepenquin @awabubbles @merindab @avalonsilver

[gliyerabaa]

4, 23, 29 for the writer asks :)

hehehehehehe thank you Carson I love doing these <3

4. How many WIP's do you have right now?

Oh jeez, the actual number is not one I'm willing to count... But WIP's with the intention to finish and post... I think I'm sitting at around 4 right now?

Per Aspera ch. 24

angsty one-shot (the premise of this is actually really cool- an AU where Glinda goes with Elphaba after DG, becomes a healer on the front lines of the fight)

smutfic sequel, currently at nearly 6k words and still more to go 😔😔😔😔😔 (not actually *sad* about this necessarily, just like... all these words, going to smut...)

WIP that I may finish, it's more just a few sentences of ideas than anything, based off of this song

23. How do you choose where to end a chapter in multichapter works?

Ok so in my years writing, I've gotten a lot better at 1. writing outlines and 2. actually sticking to the outlines. Take Per Aspera for example, I have the overarching plot written down in a 13 page bare bones outline, and then I flesh each chapter out with its own outline more.

The only times I break in unplanned places is if the word count is getting to be Too Much. Chapters 13 and 14 of Per Aspera were supposed to be 1 chapter, but I decided to break it into two for readability's sake. Might wind up doing the same with the second part of the smutfic. We'll see.

29. Share a bit from a fic you’ll never post OR from a scene that was cut from an already posted fic.

I've decided to share the unfinished doc that was the very root of the inspiration for Per Aspera Ad Astra. It's the beginnings of a short scene about the summer heat that I wrote in the dead of the coldest winter I've ever experienced. A lot of it is just scenario and context, but this unfinished doc is literally what started it all

It was a particularly hot summer afternoon, and Glinda was absolutely overcome with boredom.  Her parents were out of town yet again, and all her popular friends were on vacation- without her. They had all practically abandoned her the second she even mentioned the possibility that she might not be straight.  Small town life as a mostly-closeted lesbian wasn’t easy. Nearly everyone in the tiny Kansas town of Shiz had made their stance on ‘them strange city folk’ very clear.  And by ‘strange city folk’, they meant anyone who wasn’t straight, white, or Christian.  Her phone buzzed twice.  2 new messages from Elphaba Speaking of not straight, white, or Christian…. -hey.  -bored as hell, wanna hang out? Glinda sighed. Elphaba was her best friend and, to put it nicely, the town freak. She was the atheist daughter of the pastor of the only church in town, she was inexplicably green and unashamedly queer.  And Glinda was stupid enough to catch feelings for her.  She was bored out of her mind and needed something to do, but the very thought of spending time with Elphaba made her stomach flip in the best possible way.  She decided to type an ambiguous response. -idk. it’s sooo hot out and there’s nothing to do here anyway The response was almost instantaneous.  -we could drive to Wichita, do some shopping. I know how much you love shopping Wichita was almost two and a half hours away. There was no way she’d survive that long in such close quarters with the girl of her dreams. She needed an excuse. -ugh that’s so far away, besides, my parents just got me a bunch of new clothes for my birthday, I don’t really need anything -besides, you hate shopping -yes, I do. but it makes you happy and that makes me happy  Glinda blushed. Why did Elphaba have to be so infuriatingly nice? Before she could recollect her thoughts, her phone buzzed again. -we could go to Nanny’s. then figure out if we want to do anything else from there? -ooh, I’m starving. Nanny’s it is then.  -great, I’ll be right over Glinda’s heart was racing. She knew that she had no right to be crushing on her best friend this hard.  But her mind would always wander to Elphaba’s emerald green skin, her dark, captivating eyes, her gentle smile that she usually kept hidden from the rest of the world, that sweet, sweet smile that she wanted nothing more than to kiss- no, she banished the thought.  Needing to refocus her mind, Glinda rolled out of bed and decided she’d better get ready. She checked the weather on her phone: 90 degrees with 55% humidity, basically ridiculously hot.  She switched out of her t-shirt to a pink tank top and shorts. She heard Elphaba’s truck pulling into the driveway, so she kicked on her sandals, grabbed her purse, and hurried out the door.  The heat outside was oppressive. Glinda didn’t realize how much she relied on air conditioning until the few seconds she was forced to go without it. 

And that was all I had written in the doc. This is from February of 2019 so the style and characterization is a little outdated by my current standards. But, there it is. What would have happened, had this played out more:

they get lunch at Nanny's

they drive around in Elphie's truck, stop somewhere for ice cream

drive to a lake, unrestrained summer fun ensues

a first kiss in the back of her truck in the night, surrounded by fireflies

[maxbegone]

.

weird day. sad, mostly, worked but felt like I wanted to cry the entire time. doesn't help that I kept feeling this itch to be self-destructive and take the piss out on someone just because I was feeling a certain way. honestly, i think part of it is the fact that I'm slowly, slowly planning on getting closure from my mother, and I think it's haunting me a little bit despite me knowing this is necessary to do, nearly a decade later. not to mention, I'd completely go off on her if I wasn't trying to be composed. I'll let her say her piece when the time comes, but believe me when I say I will not let her off any sort of "hook." forgiveness is not something she is going to get from me. not after everything she's put me and my dad through.

and then, inversely, there's this whole...feeling doomed to fail thing going on in my head, and feeling inadequate as if I'm this outsider or sort of bystander in my own life, feeling as if my future is just...not a thing that will happen. I feel lost, I feel like no one in my family (mainly) has any faith that I'll be ok or successful. I feel like I should've been given a road to some sort of opportunity by this point, but I fucked it all up by leaving the first college I went to, spending way too long at a job that did nothing but drain me of all creativity and essence, made me angrier, then took my time with community college (not a bad thing), but didn't act on opportunities that allowed me to move forward with my education. I should be working toward my bachelors right now, but instead I'm working a part-time retail job that, strangely, miraculously, I love because I'm shown I'm valued and my team is great and kind. I work for a brand I really like and probably have a shot at something within another part of the company now that I've been there a year, I just need to accept the fact that I am not a burden and can ask for guidance and help on the matter. I also do not have a degree of any kind to back me up in this aspect, but in a way, maybe I have a leg up?

but, I want to write. I want to publish something one day and touch people and be raw. it doesn't help that I have had zero creative drive for the better part of a year and a half now, that all of my projects sit unfinished or as bare-bones husks of ideas. I know I should give myself some credit; I've dealt with a lot of shit over the past three years, namely my dad dying, and I am still completely ruined by it in such a way that I feel so lost and as if everyone else has moved on. I know he wouldn't want me to sit here and worry about him, or mourn him too much, but...it's hard not to. he was my dad.

it also doesn't help that pleasure is just...not a thing for me right now, and hasn't been for who knows how long. I tend to deprive myself of it; I tell myself that I shouldn't do this, or shouldn't do that because I should be working or being responsible in some other way, or that I don't deserve to do anything fun because I haven't earned it. I don't know how to explain it — it's something I'm actively working on in therapy. that, and this feeling that I'm not being my whole and true self, that I'm lying to myself about some part of me that I can't even pin.

I feel like I can barely string two consecutive thoughts together on paper, let alone in conversation nowadays. and it's rough, it sucks.

I haven't been a good friend. I've been exhausted by nearly everything, I can't muster up the topic of a conversation, not the energy particularly, because I'm actively craving that communication. I just, again, feel like this outsider. I try, I do, but I'm either talking in circles or spending too much time trying to figure out what to say that I just give up on starting a conversation entirely. I crave the conversation, the rapport, and I reach for it, but, sometimes, I don't think anything is reaching back.

I think I'm inching toward this point in therapy — if this can even be considered it — where I want to do this deep dive into myself and see what I'm not letting myself uncover. does that involve deep meditation of some kind? hypnotherapy? reiki? fucking 'shrooms? I'm being repetitive here, but I'm craving something, and I don't quite know how to explain it...

dull. it's all dull. and I'm tired of that now.

[crystaldwightsworld]

Hello!! I literally opened this blog to write to you. 🥺 I really liked your fanfictions about Leon x Ashley. I read nerve like four or five times, I'm wondering when will you update it again? And as the rain pours was amazing as well. You should update it because I want to see what will happen after that. 🤩 Not many people write for Ashley and Leon, I'm in need of more content about them. 😿 Have a good day or night angel!! 🌸

You... have NO idea how hard it is for me not to cry right now. I am so touched by your kind words and sweet compliments. Nerve is something I've been going back to off and on now for about four months. I haven't made a lot of progress though and trust me, it's driving me crazy how long it's been since an update.

Last year was tough as everyone knows. Covid happened, I was unemployed and I had to take care of my bf for the better part of 6+ months b/c he broke both of his ankles. To say I've been distracted is an understatement. Plus, dipping my toes into other fandoms deterred my mind even more. It still sits in the back of my mind though, that I need to work on it, do the research that needs to be done. The same thing for As the Rain Pours. You're right, not a lot of ppl write for Leon x Ashley b/c it's quite the rare pair and a lot of ppl dislike Ashley so much. Which is why I started the fics in the first place. Nerve is more difficult to crumble together b/c it's a completely different scenario. But trust me, I am still working on it. I don't know when I will update it or the both of them since writing takes a lot of time, at least for me it does. But I do not want to give up on either of them. I feel like my readers are depending on me to not only continue the stories but hash out the Leon x Ashley content that is so rare out there. I do not want to be deemed as a failure or that I've given up and forgotten about it.

With the recent release of Infinite Darkness, it has sparked up those long and dwindled thoughts, actually seeing the White House has brought back ideas and seeing Ashley’s father, President Graham, has peaked my interest again. It was only in pictures but seeing her again in the show... I’m not going to lie, I almost cried. I’ve finally started a playlist on spotify for them, songs that make me think of their relationship and what would be, platonic or not, scenes that I want to write, music that Ashley would listen to, the music that Leon plays in the car when he’s driving her around, music that Leon listens to when he needs the distraction in the next chapter, specific themed tracks that play at a particular location after Leon surprises Ashley with on her 21st birthday, music that plays over the speakers at a private gym while Leon teaches her self defense at after she complains about it being too quiet (btw, surprise :D), etc. I plan to maybe link it or share it with the next upload, if that’s possible. So it’s not dead. I do not wish to leave it in limbo or unfinished.

I hope to have an update soon, preferably for both but especially Nerve. It’s important to me. It’s important to me that people look forward to it and to not leave them hanging.

But... since your kindness has taken me fairly off guard (I hardly EVER get comments about the two fics so it makes my day when it does happen), I will let off with a sneak peek from the two chapters that I’ve been working on. These aren’t set in stone, it’s subject to change. But, thank you so much for taking the time to not only reach out to me but make a personal blog just for said reason alone. I’m baffled, honestly. Thank you for taking the time to read and admire my fics and writing. It’s surprising to me that as many ppl like it when I don’t feel that it’s that great in the first place. I’m no author, I just do this in my free time.

Under the cut, b/c, uh, well, yeah lol

Nerve, Chapter 3, Control:

Leon stood comfortably still pulling on his trusty black finger less gloves as the door of the private gym opened and closed with a loud clunk, Ashley appearing through the doorway and making her way over to him, just like she had agreed she would. He's surprised, he figured she would have backed out at the last second, knowing full and well how unsure she still was of herself. And him. 

Leon watches her glide across the room to him, an affirming and knowing smirk growing at the corners of his lips at her arrival, waiting for her to break the distance.

"Hi, Leon." She greets him brightly with a smile yet a little sluggish in her demeanor. She had dressed comfortably yet active like he had told her to, fitted joggers and a yellow fitted tank top that made her pale skin glow. 

"Morning sunshine." He teases, knowing full and well that she was still tired.

“You… look so different. I mean, in your casual clothes.” Ashley observes and he did. She’d never seen him in anything but a suit, prim and proper, so this had been a nice surprise. He looked comfortable and relaxed in a heathered gray crew neck active tee, fixed with two moisture wicking stripes separating the planes of his sleeves from the tops of his shoulders down the length of his torso, black loose-fit performance shorts, black finger less tactical gloves and… barefoot? She knew of Leon’s towering height over her but his legs seemed so much longer than she had been imagining.

Stop staring, Ashley! Sheesh!

“Well, as much as I know you’d looove for me to train you in my suit and tie, that’s not very practical sweetheart, so, casual wear it is.” Leon replies jokingly. “And I could say the same thing for you. I like the hair, graham cracker!” He cheerfully praises, having noticed the vibrant coral tips of the ends of her hair and bangs she had no doubt dyed, his fingers gently flicking at her loose strands. “It suits you. Very pretty.” He tells her with a wink, his blatant flattery lighting her cheeks crimson.

“It’s just… something different, y’know? I don’t know, I was just wanting a change. It’s temporary anyways. It’ll wash out.” Ashley rambles, fumbling and playing with her hair. “You should let me dye yours sometime!” She giddily suggests.

Leon chuckles with a snort. “Oh, I’m sure your father and the other agents would love seeing me walk around with pink hair!”

“I was thinking more of blue actually. It’s fun! You should try it!”

“Mhmm.” Leon hums playfully, just imagining how ridiculous he would look. Well… maybe…

“It washes out!” Ashley croons in an attempt to persuade him.

"Maybe someday, Ash… but how are we feeling this morning?" He asks with genuine curiosity.

It’s a small noise from her, a rumble that threatens to break in her chest as her fingers routinely fidget with the hem of her shirt, shuffling her feet a bit in her nervousness.

“I-I’m okay.” She replies yet her assurance does not sit well with him, unconfident and unsure. Leon squints his gaze at her, teasingly suspicious and she can’t help but huff out a laugh. She doesn’t know why she even bothers, nothing was going to get past Leon. Her gaze had fallen routinely to the floor, a habit he was going to have to work hard to break her out of. His long fingers cup and curl under her chin gently to raise her gaze back up to his level, remembering his advice to her to keep her gaze forward.

“Okay but how do you really feel?” Leon inquires again, his tone serious. She doesn’t reply right away, the cheerful brightness she held with her faltering a little. She wouldn’t be able to hide these things from Leon, not with how close they were going to be and not just physically. Her mental state and concerns were important to him.

“I… I’m nervous. Kinda scared. Tired, I--I didn’t get a lot of sleep.” She finally manages, her voice breaking in the whisper she didn’t know she was speaking in. Leon nods, removing his hand from her face.

“Good. I’d rather you be honest with me. Your nerves will pass the more you get used to it. And don’t be afraid. You know I’m not going to hurt you but I don’t want you to be afraid to get hurt. Remember what I said that this could get rough.” She nods, understanding.

“Alright, shoes and socks off.” He instructively demands and she does as she’s asked, toeing out of her sneakers and yanking off her socks, leaving them in a pile to deal with later. Leon nods for her to follow him and she does so, leading her to the panel of mirrors.

As the Rain Pours, Chapter 2, Friends Who Do This:

“No, I want to see you.” Leon shoos away her shaking arms gently. He moved to the floor before where she stood, his nose brushing against the plane of her abdomen before kissing her skin. “So gorgeous.” He tells her. She bit at her bottom lip as she watched him, his tongue drawing circles around her navel, nearly making her legs buckle below her. 

“How come I’m the only one in my underwear?” She breathlessly asks as his lips move dangerously closer to the dip under her hips. He grins up to her before standing, pulling his shirt over his head and climbing out of his shorts. 

She gaped in awe at him, all muscle and skin that rippled under his flesh. Silky skin between the litterings of past scars, the straight line of the mark near his collarbone where he had had past surgery and the faint mark of a gunshot wound on his left shoulder that she knew about. She wanted to touch them, brand them as hers, show him that he didn’t need to be self conscious of them because she was aware he was, always keeping himself covered. His hands push her back against the edge of the bed before moving to the floor again, nestling comfortably between her thin legs. 

Curious lips kissed at the tender skin between her inner thighs, picking up where they had left off back in the woods. Leon had every intention to finish what he had wanted to start, especially with the stunning information that she had never experienced such givings before but as his warm breath drew nearer, his wanting mouth near inches from her, she pulled away again against Leon’s boyish whine of disapproval.

“No?” Leon asks, his fingers tickling circles on her thighs.

“Leon, it’s okay, really…” 

“You don’t want me to?” He asks, confused. He thought maybe she had freaked out due to the fact they had been outside and presumed maybe she’d feel better about it in a more private setting but she still seemed unsure about it.

“I mean, I-- I don’t know, I just thought… I thought we could, y’know, you and me-”

“You thought I brought you back here for a quick fuck, is that it?” He clearly takes the words right out of her thought process, the judgement slicing right through her. His hands move to her face, thumbs caressing and smoothing against soft skin.

“That’s not what I want Ashley. Not yet. If you really don’t want me to, that’s okay but… you should at least try it, even if it’s just this once.”

“Leon… it can’t taste that good, I mean-”

“Why don’t you let me be the judge of that, sweetheart.” 

Okay, he was being serious…

She stared dumbfounded at him, hardly still believing that she was there with him, in front of him, nearly naked.

“I wanna hear you moan, make you writhe against the sheets below me… I want to make you come against my tongue.” He so boldly announces with definite confidence. Ashley’s eyes widened, she didn't know Leon to be into this kind of dirty talk. She breathes nervous giggles behind lacquered fingers covering her face, the heat having risen into her cheeks. She’s already losing control of her breathing as she feels him move back between her thighs, peeking over the edges of her fingertips.

“Please, let me,” He begs softly with earnest eyes. “You can tell me to stop any time if you do not wish to continue. I promise, I’m not going to hurt you. Please?”

[imperialarchon]

oh hey read mores are still a thing on here, neat. i don't really know what happened to me but it's hard to write it out on twitter and i kinda just want to have it written down somewhere solid in case i forget or something

yesterday and today i passed out? had a seizure? i don't think it was a seizure, but it also didn't feel like passing out like i did years back, it's like

it's like i lose coherence. i don't notice that time is missing or that i've passed out, there's a gap in time that's stitched together so that i'm doing something and then suddenly everything is coming in flashes and my body isn't doing what it should be and my brain is skipping over and over, like it's trying to refresh and can't do it, like an unfinished thought that i didn't start and now can't get to the end

and i remember that i keep blinking a lot when it happens, like if i can just blink right it'll make everything settle back into place, but it doesn't work, so i'm stuck looping and blinking and

yesterday i figured it was i don't know, a panic attack or something. i was... i don't know, on my phone? on my bed? and next thing i know i'm at my dresser, brain skipping, trying to grab something because i'm losing balance and i can't right myself, but i can grab enough to not fall over before another skip happens

and after like seven of these skips i finally gather enough of myself to go "this isn't right, this is wrong" and then throw myself at my bed to force myself out of the pattern, which works

and i was like "yeah i was probably just having a panic attack or got overwhelmed or something" but then it happens again? and this time i... i guess come to and i'm on the ground at the foot of my bed, crushing one of my seals and skipping over where i am and what i'm doing, and the last thing i remember was sitting on my bed. i must have stood up at some point, right? i have a sense of standing up, but...

and again, that sense of realizing this is wrong and shaking myself out, because i recognized what was happening as the same thing from yesterday, but it wasn't immediate

i guess it's kind of like, maybe my body is trying to faint and my brain is just not quite letting go, and it's causing these weird collapsing confusion things. i don't know. ecg was fine, blood pressure was fine, blood glucose was fine. i spent half the doctor visit in a weird haze while also wanting to sob for other reasons, i still feel kinda nauseous and dizzy. i'm kinda just planning on eating and drinking a lot the next few days and hoping it doesn't happen again.

i'm not meant to drive until "symptoms resolve" which is great because we don't know what the fuck it is, and i don't have any symptoms to warn me it's happening. and hey maybe it'll never happen again! but two times in as many days out of nowhere isn't nothing, right?

fuck me though, it was scary finally pulling myself together again to realize it had happened again, and i was on the floor, and this wasn't a one-time thing, and my nephew was at the door asking what the crash was

i broke my cake dish. tore my fallen order poster. mostly sad about the poster, i'd been making such an effort not to crease it

i know logically it's not... it's not a seizure or anything. it probably is some blood pressure or blood sugar thing that wasn't picked up at the urgent care. but it was still scary

i don't want to feel that way again

[ashlingnarcos]

Every fifth ask for the ask meme, please! :)

5. Do you listen to music when writing? Most of the time I don't, but I can sometimes go for a really atmospheric song, either something moody and sad, or something rhythmic and driving. Shoutout to kid cudi humming on loop for 8 hours over rain sounds 😂

10. What is the line you’re proudest of from [Fanfic Name]? Depends on the fic.

15. What is the fanfic you’ve written that you’re most proud of? Of all the Narcos fics, probably portrait of hunter in exile. It's one of those fics that I wrote just for myself. Of the Narcos Mexico fics, probably Unfinished Business because I do not usually post smut that kinky and really had to push through to make myself do it.

20. What feedback makes you the happiest to hear? In this fandom? Any feedback at all 😂 but I do especially love it when people catch things I wasn't sure they were going to catch, scene parallels, dark implications, continued metaphors, etc

25. What scene in [Fanfic Name] took the longest to write? What was difficult about it? Depends on the fic.

30. Do you write down all your ideas? What makes you decide to write one versus the other? I save a lot of ideas in random notes on my phone, but that doesn't mean I'll end up writing them out. I think I try to finish and publish things if I find them intriguing and I think I'll have the staying power to finish them off, or if they're oneshot-length and I can just polish off a draft in one sitting.

35. Where’s your favorite place to write? Home. It's so hard to write in public, sometimes impossible.

40. What area of writing do you want to improve in? Publishing? Lol. Longfic is the honest answer. I've always found it exponentially more difficult than oneshots and drabbles, and I'm fighting right now to get one through. Maybe I can publish the first bit of it before the end of the year 2022. Fingers crossed.

Thank you for the ask! I love ask games 💛