#but I've been talking to a lot of friends lately who preemptively give up on art bc they're 'too old'

[fairycosmos]

I'm sorry to do this bc I know you get so many ppl venting and you have your own shit to deal with and yet ppl on here constantly implicitly ask you to console them which is incredibly emotionally labour intensive. However all that being said. I found out my cat who is 9 but is very young looking and active and shows no sign of pain or suffering has large cell lymphoma (general prognosis 6-9 months) and I'm literally broken. She's my best friend. I've been through years where I've had no friends but I've always had her and she's everything to me and I've known a lot of cats who live to late teens so I had expected that for her and this has come out of nowhere and is just so soul destroying because she is my whole world and I love her so so much. she's literally saved my life (have been at the point of kms so many times but didn't for her) and now she probably wont be here next year and I don't know how to keep existing without her and I didn't know who else to tell. I really appreciate your kind and honest presence on this site it's very cleansing and healing and ik this is a parasocial thing to say/feel but you are like a friend to so many. so thanks. even just having a space to say this stuff is invaluable. You have helped and comforted and offered love and insight to so many people despite your own suffering. Much love to you, I hope the universe treats you with lots of kindness going forward.

i am so so sorry to hear this - sometimes i honestly can't believe how cruel life can be. i wish there was something tangible i could say that would make a change to what you're feeling but my experience with grief (all types of grief esp preemptive grief like what you're dealing with) has proven to me that words often ring hollow when you're going through it. i do want to offer some understanding and some comfort despite that, i just know it may be hard for you to register right now and that's alright. losing a pet is so so deeply painful and it's completely normal to be devastated and taken aback by this news - anyone would be. at the same time it sounds like your cat is deeply lucky to have you and to be loved so completely by someone. while what you're both going through is horrific, i am so glad she has you to take care of her and that she ended up having a wonderful life with you - the gift you have given her and continue to give her every day just by being her owner is huge and i hope you continue to remind yourself that as you confront there next few months. she is warm and fed and taken care of and she has the best chance of living longer with her condition bc of the care and love you continue to show her. i know this is much much easier said than done but please try to take it one day at a time and make every moment count with her - it's easy to get lost in the idea of losing her but she is still here and you still have time together, albeit not as much time as you both deserve. i can't stand how much of a gamble of luck everything seems to be and how horrible things happen to ppl and animals who truly deserve so much more - that anger, despair and incredulity still hits me day after day and i feel it very hard on your behalf rn. you have every right in the world to process that sense of feeling like your soul has been destroyed on whatever timeline works for you. as long as you continue to move forward, hour to hour or minute to minute despite it all.

are you able to talk to any friends/family about this? i only ask bc pet loss is one of the hardest things in the world to go through and i think having some sort of super system could make the days feel a little more manageable. if not, please feel free to message me and share updates, stories, vents etc about your cat and how you're doing - i lost my childhood dog a few yrs back and i do understand. it's such a heavy feeling to carry around with you all the time. i would also recommend joining a pet loss support group as another option too, bc so so many people sadly completely get what youre going through. i hope your little girl is doing OK today and that you are taking care of yourself as much as you feel able to as you process this news. if you need to break down, go to sleep, scream, punch pillows, be numb - that's alright. there's no wrong way to react to this. i just hope you give yourself some grace as you do. sending so so much love to you both - and thank you so much for the insanely kind words by the way. you didn't have to say that and it really made my night better that you did. so sorry you're in this position. X

[unproduciblesmackdown]

on that note had also been thinking about the hilarious classic maneuver of taking things i go "smh always doing that weird/wrong" & instead putting it in the context of like oh i dunno my life experiences. like going "smh once again in one millisecond i noticed something was about to fall & just sort of Tensed instead of instantly going to catch it & in the next milliseconds hash out like 'oh but could i catch it. oh but now it's in progress am i too late' etc" but like well hang on. first of all the Tense Up / Brace For Impact approach can have its strengths too. second of all like why just kick myself when Of Course the vastly more frequent & relevant experiences of having to stifle reactions & tense up to Brace For Impact / Weather The Situation means that's the standard approach. sure tends to be the case that like "okay test your reflex time :)" type things when i Know It's Coming, i.e. preemptively Tense Up, i turn out quite slow. throwback to a true classic [my roommate that said my cat was performative while their cat did things out of true emotion] at my doctor's appointment at like age thirteen when the ol Knee Bonk Reflex Test would make me Tense/Seize That Knee Up and Then kick. and then afterwards my "big fan of unprompted criticisms / declarations about your internal experiences or true intentions" mom was like you were faking those reflexes. i'm like well i wasn't. she was like yes you were. consider the camera jimmed

secondly i was also thinking like, always been the case that when Talking, often even if in writing format, i can't really avoid mirroring the characteristics of the other person's Style / Patterns lol. was thinking about it in my Relative ease of adopting pronunciations for different language's phonemes when it's like, i guess i do have experience in Doing Voices not b/c i really often Did Voices (sometimes lol, as like, direct quotes or whatever. echoing....) but b/c like i'll just be picking up all kinds of mannerisms / tendencies / ways of speaking, including accents slightly (my default accent being disney channel) not b/c i'm messing with anyone or trying to do anything, in fact trying Not to do this is generally unsuccessfully & This Is What Happens Naturally & always has & it's like yknow what i think it might have to do with the fact that i don't think Talking in general is oh so "natural" for me / a matter of "just being myself" (things virtually never are lol) like. i think that time i had that friend in second grade where i'm like ummm i'm not sure we spoke the same language b/c i'm not sure we spoke hardly ever? but we had fun & played & amused ourselves etc til the teacher as usual went Biggest Time Sicko Mode on our "not paying attention" like nobody else's got & then didn't give a fuck abt "intervening" again when we didn't feel like we were Allowed(tm) to interact at all. & like i'm pretty sure i'd be "supposed" to feel like omg we don't talk (almost) at all?? that's SO weirrrd i remember that soooo welllll

and when i Do talk most "naturally" / "just being myself" it's all at once, wordy, and Theatrical, and even then. i did it some the other day and was Sweating, literally, less so figuratively but it does still feel demanding, and of course even when it doesn't Feel thusly, doing a Lot a lot of verbalizing can really still be draining to Taxing. and i've noticed better like yeah sometimes i'm markedly struggling to speak when i'm already extra wearied. and another thing i put into context better was like "when i'm being put tf through it why do i tend to cry through interactions. b/c i'm being a PUSSY????" like lol just on principle was like okay well who cares, i'm sure you, by which i mean i, have my reasons b/c so too would i think someone else does, like. and i remember like, i tend to Not "directly" cry of stress or sadness virtually ever. while i Do tend to be simply keeping that shit contained but Exactly When i have to try to speak? is when i happen to start crying. hmm. Hmmmm. talking Always this performance that i may often not be up for. similar to [personal visual style / Look / clothes] like my default is "basic outfit i'd want to wear every day" & my ideal is "i do not want to be perceived" & (this &) everything else is performance / drag to me, Would That that always be on my terms

another banger is my till oh so recently kicking myself like "aah [pathologization time] i'm sooo slow to be at ease / comfortable around people even when they're surely being nice, what a hassle for others" like well it can be viewed as a hassle for me but it's also like, wait, i end up having stayed uncomfortable around people who weren't being That nice by putting in That much [any effort from any Consideration] and often turn out like. ultimately not that Safe. and i look at "oh right yeah and also i sure Can be like instantly quite comfortable / at ease around people, including people i literally just met. so" &/or my not being at ease either is still way less of a deal than having to literally/figuratively sweat it while i'd feel so much more Okay avoiding detection much less interaction

[lost-technology]

Issues of Fandom Past

I am sorry if I am feeling a little jumpy about blocks lately. (Turns out I solved the mystery as to why so many of my blogs are blanked out on some reblogs / replies from a mutual I've seen - the ops aren't doing it, it's because the moot apparently has a privacy setup for only moot reblogs / replies and I just realized it! Tumblr mechanics stuff. I swear, I've been on this site for years and learn something new every day. It's like playing Skyrim...) I think it's because I did run into, a couple of days ago, someone who didn't have my main blocked (didn't know about it) but had this blog / the Trigun blog blocked and I know why. I saw an old name from SPOOOOOOKY fandom-past come up on Ao3 and was all "Oh, I know that name!" and looked at their profile and saw their listed tumblr profile name, which I recognised when I tried to reblog something insightful I saw them say in terms of a '98 episode-review without commentary. And, nope, they had me blocked. I thought they would have forgotten about me or just not know me anymore / not find or care about the new username. Oh, well.

We had beef, like, 20 years ago. Over 20 years ago. This was someone who was part of a friend group in the old fandom I had a lot of fighting with and, ultimately, I came away with it feeling that I was the one who was mostly if not wholly in the wrong. My fighting started with the friend group when a then-friend of mine would antagonise people and then act like the bullied victim when they responded and would then rely on me as a "good friend" and a more aggressive person to fight their battles for them. Well, that's how it started and not where it ended. I got into it on my own with this set of friends and did my own wankery. I got into it with even more people because I used to have what I'll just lay out as "church-views" and hadn't yet accepted / contended with / or even knew it was a term - my own asexuality with mild sex-repulsion and got really pissy about people's ships and kinks in fandom and harped about the "immorality" of putting non-canon kinks into mah fandom! Yes, I was one of THOSE. But we all get older and hopefully wiser. Cringe dies (or gives way to new and hopefully more benign forms of cringe), but is forever remembered. I do remember, at some point, emailing a letter of apology to one of the friends in this friend-group addressing all and it being taken with gratitude, but I still hadn't examined everything that I needed to deal with at the time. I moved on since then, but I guess this is why my guts clenched when I saw one of the folks I used to know popping up again out of the Internet woodwork over on ol' Ao3 with updated fic-sets and on tumblr. I found out about the block when I was testing the waters on a comment-less reblog, in hopes I was forgotten, maybe, that my new username was unknown, or that we'd reached, after all this time, a level of truce. I don't want to try to be friends, but I think it would be nice if people in the old guard fandom could just pass each other in the hall, wave to each other and move on. Enjoy each others' art and insights, even. I see some people pop up from the old guard fandom. I haven't seen any of my old friends so far and have seen people I do not know who were apparently in other parts of the Internet in OG Trigun fandom who talk about it... but there are a few people who I see a name I recognize and gut-clench. No desire to fight because I'm like "Yeah, I was wrong, you were right, I've moved on," but get that clench because I am filled with shame over it all and am reminded of it. And then there's the matter of people whom I'd probably had problems with probably do have new usernames / different usernames on here and it's almost like? I'd like a list? So that maybe we can preemptively block each other so we don't accidentally share from each other and recoil from it if one or more of us aren't ready to clean-slate each other? I'd like to be clean-slated, but that is only something that guilty people want.

[hxhhasmysoul]

I remember you mentioned how most of your online friends in the jjk fandom are meta analysis people.

I’m assuming it due to you being excellent at media analysis, however… I was wondering if you have any online friends that you made who’s media literacy isn’t the highest out any sheer chances?

I’m asking this since I’ve personally have not, in fact I tend to go out of my way and not interact with anyone who’s not within the meta analysis group of the jjk fandom. Which would also include artists. I would still like their fanart and occasionally reblog it, but I’ll not personally interact with them beyond that. For fanfic writers, I personally don’t read any, so I also don’t interact with them either.

Lately though, my other friends notice how I’m been intentionally limiting my circle and being too judgmental, for they mention that while not everyone can create amazing meta posts, they are still expressing enjoyment about the same series.

I’m just personally curious to hear your thoughts and opinions on this, since you’ve also mentioned how you tend to block people you deemed unworthy of your time, so I feel like you might understand a bit where I’m coming from.

i'm not excellent at media analysis, @subdee or @cursedvibes are. and they tolerate me so.

i'm also judgemental and mean and i can rant to my friends and be very unpleasant, i do it less in public but i can also lash out in reblogs.

about the media literacy... with some people you can discuss stuff and kinda point out that they are ignoring some stuff or they could consider something. but online it's hard. and i usually just become snide about it and it never goes anywhere. it's like several stars have to align for it to happen: 1) the person needs to be open to have their opinion questioned, 2) you need to be open to question in a way that will not put them off before the message gets across, 3) you actually need a good argument, 4) you need not to be like me and get confrontational and angry 90% of the time, 5) the conv o needs to move into the dms - in public it's almost guaranteed to fail, 6) other - who knows what really.

most of the time however it ends up in a confrontation. and then blocking.

when i'm in a calmer mood i block preemptively not to rile myself up. but sometimes i'm in a bad mood and then i will start shit.

and there's also the question of flavour of the media illiteracy. like i will not discuss stuff with bigots, these are insta blocks. i will not discuss stuff with the fandom purity police, one because they are often bigots and two because they don't understand they use the language and concepts of the far right and it's like a very fundamental problem.

in the jjk fandom specifically i will not discuss stuff with people who espouse views that "gege hates ...", or call gege a misogynist or accuse them of an incest fancier, or use violent language towards gege, those people are too far gone, those are insta blocks.

i will also not try to talk to people whose main interest in hxh or jjk is completely different than mine. i don't give a single shit about stsg, at this point it actively irks me and i will ignore people who engage in it. ii will not engage with people who call yuuji boring or say he's not the main character, it'd be too much effort to talk to them and probably with no reward.

i have also a lot of smaller pet peevs that i will either block people over or not engage at all. so i do understand you anon and i think life's too short to waste on people you'd have nothing to talk to.

though my situation is quite different, i read a lot of fanfic and write it too so i interact with a lot of writers. not everyone i interact with is into meta.

it honestly depends on what you like and how you want to interact and what you want to talk about. if you only care about meta then interact with people who like these kinds of discussions, it's ok not interact with people if you don't vibe on the same wave length. i've said it before, i'm very much into organically finding people you vibe with. sometimes i interact with people and it feels we have stuff in common but the convo just doesn't really work, it's kinda awkward or whatever. and well it's not meant to be, there will be others.

[highabovethecloudssomewhere]

tips/resources that taught me how to Art as an Adult - a masterlist

Four years ago I decided that “I’m too old to learn how to draw” is a pointless lie I’d believed for too long and you’re never too old to learn something new. I still definitely consider myself a novice and a learner but I’m at a very happy place with my art and I’m having a ton of fun so I thought I’d pass along the tips/resources that helped me get started and kept me motivated. 

I’ll get into resources under the cut, but here are personal tips I lined up for myself that helped during the early stages of frustration and wanting to give up. obviously they won’t work for everyone, but they really kept me going

fill 14 sketchbooks. if you still want to give up after that you can (I’m currently at 13 sketchbooks and could not imagine ever letting it go)

what specifically do you want to be able to draw? For me my goal has always been characters and cats. I’ve added things to it here and there, but starting out overwhelmed with how much you don’t know isn’t great. find a handful of things you really want to draw and see where it takes you.

get yourself a sketchbook fancy enough that you feel cool as heck but cheap enough that you don’t mind absolutely destroying it. Personally, I love EXCEED bullet journals. the dotted paper keeps me from being too picky but are less intrusive than lined paper. From my experience, EXCEED bullet journals takes acrylic and ink like a champ, and they’ve got nice covers that just make you “feel” cool. confidence is important!

acrylic paint and post-it notes are great ways to cover mistakes. I personally love anything that makes my sketchbooks feel “sketchbooky” so this is super fun. 

it is okay to “waste”/”ruin” pages. one time I was in “I’m a failure” artblock and so I poured black coffee onto my sketchbook. (it was gonna get dumped out anyway and I was Very frustrated with my art.) then when the pages dried I just kept right along using it. taught me a lot about not being perfect. sketchbooks are about learning and love, not about perfection.

try drawing in pen. seriously, draw in pen. it’s scary as frick to not be able to go back on mistakes but that’s what the post-it acrylic-paint tip is for, and it’ll help with all sorts of stuff like lineweight and line confidence. it takes some of the stress off too because, you screw up? oh well! Try again! it encourages “try again” over “meticulously nitpick until it’s perfect” and has done wonders for me. I started out my first two sketchbooks in pencil before making the switch and I’ve never gone back. 

(also sketching in highlighter and lining with pen is super fun and cool and satisfying!)

the first page doesn’t matter. I usually just use the first page of the sketchbook to write my favorite songs at the time and then do the same thing on the last page. first page jitters begone. 

(starting in the middle of the sketchbook also gets rid of those jitters pretty nicely. I tried this a couple times and personally still prefer the linear front-to-back but it was fun for a while.)

picking a color theme for your sketchbook can make it feel more “sketchbooky” too. I usually go with blue or orange- blue acrylic paint, blue post-it notes, those cheap blue BIC pens, etc. I like this bc it makes the sketchbook feel like a sketchbook and is very satisfying.

And figure out why you’re doing it. I did it because I always wanted to make cool art and draw my characters, but if you’re doing it for a career then obviously the path to that looks much different. Don’t compare yourself to others. Be inspired by people who are better than you. Acknowledge where you need to grow and where you’re strongest. Lean into those strengths. Adapt to those weaknesses. Be proud of being a beginner- you won’t be one for long. 

Now: some of my favorite creatives and resources!

///

CREATORS:

"Kasey Golden" Mostly traditional art, mostly watercolor, cartoonist, art challenges

"DrawingWiffWaffles" Mostly traditional art, alcohol markers & pens, semi-realism

"LavenderTowne" Digital art, art tips/tutorials, cartoonist

"ABD Illustrates" Digital art, speedpaints, semi-realism

"Proko" (or "Stan Prokopenko") Realism, anatomy tutorials, free complete "Anatomy For Artists" series- basically as hogwild as you can get learning hyper-realistic anatomy

"Ethan Becker" Digital art, ex-DreamWorks employee, tips/tutorials, "Perfect Practice"

"Sinix Design" Digital art, anatomy tips/tutorials, general tips/tutorials, realist

"Oliver's Antics" Digital and traditional art, tips/tutorials, speedpaints, semi-realistic style

“Nerdforge” Traditional art, painting, metalwork, woodwork, bookbinding, building, seriously these people do everything they’re incredible

///

FOR GESTURE DRAWING:

Line of Action Gesture drawing, figure drawing, optional timed practice sessions

AdorkaStock fantastic line of unique reference poses

 ///

Aaand that’s about all I’ve got! there are so many resources out there and so many amazing artists to be inspired by. just have fun with art! art is freedom. be proud to be a beginner and be excited for how you’ll grow. I hope these tips are helpful for someone out there! <3 

Here’s my first digital artwork (April 2019) up against my latest (August 2022)

April 2019:

August 2022:

best of luck to you all. I believe in each and every one of you. <3 happy drawing!

[prof-peach]

Most highly regarded Professor Peach,

I know your main area of expertise is in the field of organic partners, but I think you're the person to ask:

I've had a Porygon that I got for my birthday way back in 1998 (their name is Digit)

He's been suffering more and more glitches & crashes lately and everyone I talk to says it's because they're an outdated model, that these things happen and eventually all technology faces the inevitable obsolescence.

My other pokemon have become annoyed with his glitchy behavior and have started attacking him unprovoked.

I have friends who never upgraded to version 2 or Z and their porygons, excepting the occassional odd programming quirk, are still active & well, and it's not like Digit doesn't have his good days still, but the bad days are getting worse.

I don't know how long it will be before my Porygon crashes for good but it's breaking my heart every day thinking about it and seeing them struggle.

I'm doing everything I can to keep them comfortable, which mostly means they're kept in my room away from my other cats, despite the fact I'm afraid it will just worsen the divide between them, and accompanying them outside every now and then to replenish some solar energy.

I'm faced with what I feel is a no-win situation in the long-run but how do I maintain the peace in the meantime? All the upkeep has gotten expensive and taxing and my family is doing everything they can not to bring it up but we aren't exactly rolling in nuggets & free time.

They aren't my first companion to go, but it feels like a sickening betrayal to preemptively wipe their drive, I've had a pokemon in the past that got a contagious & dangerous condition, but a Porygon is no harm to the others.

I don't really know what I'm asking you I guess, but you're the one I wanted to ask. And thank you for everything you do to help & teach the world about caring for pokemon. I always look forward to your next posts, you have such wonderful words and illuatrations!

Sincerely yours,

Silph_fan98

We feel you buddy, its hard to see the degradation of a precious family member, no matter the species or reason.

Theres no stopping the creeping hands of time, they come for us all, every species, no matter what we do. That being said, Porygon have it hard, humans created them without regard for their longevity, and its often the case that they eventually shut their systems down and never boot back up again. We see it a lot, and its the reason why i evolved my partner fully. The more evolved individuals can handle better updates and have adaptable systems, meaning they can grow and learn, and take on new files to patch issues they have as and when they're developed. 

Evolution however isn't for everyone, and forcing it is a moral dilemma that you and your partner need to discuss, because that would be the safest, easiest way to handle the situation, without losing your pokemon precious memories, or performing serious, potentially life threatening surgery. 

The only way to fix this issue is to meld several porygon parts to essentially replenish your partner. Its a surgery that requires donor organs, data and parts from other passed Porygon evolutions, including porygon-z, not a pokemon that passes often. 

The process has a substantial waiting list, and often can leave the pokemon with the odd scar. Due to he nature of the pokemon though, there is very mild recovery time, and usually is quite successful. Depending on the failures within your buddy, different things will be required for said procedure. We would have to take an in depth look at them to give you a clear reason as to whats wrong, and why your buddy is having such a hard time. 

The long and short of it is your pokemon needs some transplants, it sounds drastic, and the procedure has roughly an 85% success rate, where the individual makes a full recovery. The remaining 15% can be corrected with further procedures, but theres a chance it wont work, and the issues may persist, if not worsen. 

There is no operation that doesn't come with risk, and i’d be a fool to say otherwise, and give people bad information. You're right to not wipe the drive and start fresh, the issue is within the hardware, not software, so you would be doing that for nothing, losing all those memories without any reason to. The problems would persist no matter.

Our lab does indeed perform the procedure you’d be after, as do several other locations, all across regions, so take some time to think it over, ask questions, talk to local experts, message us, and we’ll do the best we can to inform you and help. There is a lot to be said about the results. To date we have not seen a Porygon perish from the issues you're facing after receiving a successful transplant.

Take time, think on it, there is hope, but it doesn't come without risk. If the risk is too great, consider evolution, its the most simple effective way to handle this, without losing your friend.

[aevallare]

If it's not too late for the WIP title meme, can I ask about heather? 👀

not too late at all!

heather is the working title for a novel i've been. uh. pissing around with for a year or two.

the husband of a modern day woman (eliza, maybe) kills himself and leaves her penniless, and she moves back to the rural midwest because she's dirt broke. she has lost everything, and she is left with nothing. with her art stagnant after years of relying on her husband, she turns to the forest for inspiration.

in the early 1900s, another woman kills her husband, the mayor of their rural midwestern town, in self-defense. a mob chases her from the town after she is found with his blood on her hands, and in a fit of desperation, she begs the forest to save her.

heather is a ghost story, but it's a romance, too. heather is the name that eliza gives the woman in the woods, for the flowers that peek out of her throat when she stretches her jaw too wide.

My father is many things, lots of them good, but he is not in the habit of dealing with “emotionally vulnerable” women, and he is visibly relieved that I don’t want some kind of big talk. He still manages his trademark awkward kindness as I open the door to my childhood bedroom: “I know it isn’t where you’d like to be, but it’s still good to have you home.”

The bedroom has been more or less untouched since I was eighteen, even though I did come home for the first two summers at college before I got an apartment. It’s more like a memorial than a bedroom: a Zune, a half-used black eyeliner pencil on the vanity, a picture of me and Leo at the Indianapolis Zoo on the nightstand. I blink preemptively but there’s no threat of tears. I turn the picture frame face down anyway.

Twenty-nine is too old to move back home, Ruby had told me, and I’m not so naïve that I don’t know what she’s suggesting. Ruby isn’t my best friend in the traditional sense of the phrase, but she’s still the best friend that I have. If Ruby had her own place, I might have taken her up on the offer that wasn’t quite an offer, but if twenty-nine was too old to move back in with my dad, it was certainly too old to move in with Ruby and two roommates that I didn’t even know who were both fresh out of undergrad. At least here I have my own bathroom.