#but I'm realizing if I'm asked any questions I'll probably complain A Lot during my answers since i've been so confused about this

[hobbinch]

I see a lot of haircare advice against brushing it when its wet and also against using heat. But if I only finger detangle my hair and then let it air dry it's SO floofy and has all these random bent hairs. Its so confusing and it also takes me at least an hour to use a hair dryer and 4-8 hours to air dry so I just don't understand how to get hair from wet to dry just like. In general. Tbh.

[punkeccentricenigma]

Hello, I saw your requests are open. So I decided to send something.

Could you write a few headcanons for the rise boys with a reader that’s from another country. And could you leave it open from where? And reader has a different native language, English would be their second language. It would be kinda funny if the turtles (or one of them) doesn’t realize reader is a foreigner at first.

I‘m not from the USA and would love to see something with a foreign reader.

Thank you and have a nice rest of your day. :3

Rise!Boys with Reader from different country

Relationship status: platonic/romantic

Reader prounouns: They/Them

TW: Some grammatical errors because english is not my first language.

Author's note: I apologize for the long wait for this order; a lot has happened in my life. Not only did many of my childhood idols turn out to be bad people, but also my mom told me to leave home after we argued, and I poured out all my grievances to her. So, well, soon I probably won't have a place to live because my savings are too small to even rent a room. Plus, my mom took away all my painkillers, and the migraines haven't disappeared, so I'm in pain all the time.

But on the bright side, with the help of my friend, I managed to create a CV, and tomorrow I'm going to submit it to a company where I can work :D Unfortunately, I'll have to wait over a month for the tests, but it will be the first step in overcoming my fear of people.

But anyway, thank you anon, have a nice day/night too!! :D

Leonardo

◇Do I really have to state the obvious as if it weren't clear? Leo is a goof; not a single thought crossed his mind that you might be even more different than him.

◇Even if April dropped subtle hints about your nationality, it just didn't register. Comics with Jupiter Jim are too captivating for him to bother with trivial facts.

◇It only hit him when your phone rang during a shared skateboarding session. When you answered and started speaking in your language, the guy literally had a Pikachu's surprised face.

◇After that, brace yourself for a million questions from the curious turtle. You'll be happy to answer.

◇Leonardo has a knack for learning languages, even if it's just basic words.

◇Thanks to Sr Hueso in his life, he's picking up Spanish. So, what's stopping him from learning your language too?

◇Btw, praise him every time he says something right; he needs that.

◇He'll also be eager to learn about cultural differences between you two. You might not seem very different, but a deeper look might reveal significant distinctions.

◇Ohohoho! National costumes? He'd gladly try them on.

◇But expect him to tease you by intentionally mispronouncing a few words or judging you based on stereotypes about people from your country.

◇If it makes you cry or get angry, he'll make sure never to do it again.

◇He likes food from your country but more as an occasional thing. If he could, he'd probably just eat pizza all the time.

Raphael

◇Raph, despite not being as dumb as Leo, suspected from the start that something was up with you that you hadn't mentioned.

◇But it never occurred to him to ask.

◇He ultimately found out from his father. Indirect, but still.

Raphael sighed throatily, rummaging through his kitchen cabinets. Your ears lightly twitched at each muffled or not-so-muffled clatter of things in those cabinets.

"What are you looking for?" Their voice carried both curiosity and a hint of irritation as she added more pepperoni slices to the light pizza dough. The turtle sighed again, this time softer, closing another cabinet to look at Their.

"I can't find any cups or glasses anywhere," his gaze expressed annoyance. "Probably those idiots kept taking new dishes instead of washing theirs, and now they're hoarding a mountain of dirty ones like hamsters."

"You complain about them, but guess whose kitchen I found a bunch of dirty plates breeding a new species in?" Their laughter started to grate on his head, but despite his efforts, a smile appeared on his rough lips.

"That's different; I, um... I'm the oldest, I'm allowed!"

"Ohohoho! [Y.N], my dear!" Splinter entered the red kitchen excitedly, appearing right behind the teenager using his ninja skills. "Are you making your delicious [Most popular dish in your country] again? My mouth waters at the mere thought!"

"Er, what?" Raph had a slightly puzzled expression, hearing about such a dish for the first time. What is that even?

"Oh, unfortunately no, just regular pizza," [Y.N] replied with an apologetic look, placing the last slice of meat. "But don't worry, maybe I'll bring that tomorrow, sounds good?"

"Oh, yes, definitely!"

◇Shortly after that incident, he asked about that dish.

"Oh? That's one of the dishes from my country."

"From your country? I didn't think America had such food to offer."

"Raph, I'm not from America."

"... What?"

◇Less surprised than Leo, but still.

◇Since then, you've been explaining everything about yourself and your country to him.

◇The biggest fan of dishes from your country, especially the way you make them.

◇Raph has a simple mind, so it will take a long time before he grasps the basics of your language, but he remembers many words that he tries to use at the nearest opportunity.

◇He loves it when he says a word correctly, and you pat him on the head as a reward.

◇As for clothing... sorry, but he's too big for that.

◇BUT, you'll make him bracelets in the colors of the flag if he insists.

◇There won't be jokes about your origin; Raph is too respectful turtle for that.

Donatello

◇He's not dumb (usually), and I think he'll be the first to ask if there's anything you haven't told him.

◇Of course, what is life without a bit of fun? You denied it.

◇Thanks to that, it was a game of cat and mouse for two weeks.

◇Eventually, Donnie hacked into one of your social media accounts where you clearly stated which country you're from. If not, he just had to check the login history in different countries.

◇Of course, he got a smack on the back of the head.

(And it's very possible his brothers put him in isolation overnight, you know, that place when Splinter had a fever? Who knows.)

◇You think he won't quickly learn the basics of your language? Dude, he taught a squirrels sign language, what can't he do?

◇Thanks to that, you can talk about various topics that shouldn't be brought up around his family in your native language.

◇And as a fun fact, wanting to surprise him, you asked Shelldon to teach you binary code. The guy was amazed, and Leo wanted to perform exorcisms on you.

◇Maybe he's not as intrigued by your culture, but he wouldn't want to offend you, so if you start talking about it, he won't stop you.

◇On the other hand, he really appreciates national costumes, maybe even doing that scene with you like they were hypnotized? You won't have to ask him for long.

◇Not a big fan of your national dishes, maybe because of the consistency? Or the unusual taste?

◇He'll likely tease you about your origin, but they'll be harmless jokes.

Michelangelo

◇Silly kid. Just a silly kid.

◇Nah, kidding, it just never crossed his mind that his friend is from a different country.

◇And you found it amusing to some extent.

◇Eventually, you told him about it when he got fascinated by a painting from your country.

◇Surprised Pikachu face ver.2

◇Probably the most excited about learning your culture, even if he doesn't understand it and it differs significantly from what's prevalent in America.

◇If your country has an unusual drawing style, he'll beg you to try it together. How can you refuse such an angel? (Not really an angel, especially when Dr. Rude comes into play)

◇He'll be the first to want to try on national costumes, both male and female.

◇He'll also want to, this time by himself, cook some dishes from your country.

◇He burned the kitchen.

◇A total failure when it comes to learning languages, so either you give up on teaching him, or you'll need a lot of patience.

◇Relatively supportive turtle, but he won't be as mindful of your origin afterward; it'll be like it used to be with the extra toppings.

[johnsamericano]

『 ‎ ‎لąҽհվմղ / ᎠҽӀմʂìօղ 』

warnings: mental illness implied, hallucinations, meds, aggressive jaehyun, implied sexual relations.

taglist: @nakamotocore @jisooapproved @la-ra-rumi @winwiniee @yijiujiujiu @nctlovesme

loveholic masterlist.

Lies.

That's what Jaehyun hated the most in the world, lies.

He hated the way you'd smile at him during class, only to pretend he wasn't even there as soon as you exited the room. It wasn't fair. He wanted to confront you, wanted to ask for an explanation for your uninterested attitude, but anytime he'd try, words got stuck in his throat, choking him uncomfortably.

Jaehyun wasn't sure when his interest in you began growing. He was never one to have secret crushes, so then, why you? What made you special enough for him to like you?

The answer came one lucky day when the professor paired you up together for a project. While people usually whined when being put in the same team with someone other than their friends, you seemed all but annoyed, smiling with your white, pearly teeth and waving at him as if he were your very best friend.

“Guess you’re stuck with me.” It was his first time speaking to you, beads of sweat collecting on his upper lip. “Jaehyun, right?”

He hated small talk almost as much as lies. Almost. But when it came to you, he could do it all day long if it meant listening to your delightful voice. All of his pent-up frustrations scattered as you started planning your schedule to work on the project. He’d only hum in approval, still too shy to speak to you.

“So tomorrow's okay with you?” Your head was tilted to the side, the tender skin of your neck looking awfully tempting. He pictured himself kissing it, having you struggle under his weight while he kissed it for hours on end. “Jae?” He was pulled out of the scenario his mind was working through by a gentle hand on his wrist.

There were no mirrors nearby, but the tips of his ears were surely tinted red by now. But most importantly, his pants were becoming uncomfortably tight in his crotch area. A touch from you was all his body needed to go insane.

“Sure.” You smiled, removing your hand from its previous spot. His skin itched for more contact, but he was too shy to initiate anything. “I need to go to the restroom.”

He rushed out of the classroom with his hands in the pockets of his jeans, pushing the fabric forward to conceal his growing boner. He relieved himself inside the small cubicle, his own heavy breathing muffled under the sound of a couple doing less than appropriate things inside the following stall. Would that be you and him one day? Probably, but not quite yet.

Your kindness had no limits. That's what Jaehyun thought when you sat down to have lunch with him, the guy who no one ever liked enough to hang out with.

“Why?” He asked on the second occasion you sit with him.

“Because I like you.”

You started hanging out more often not long after that. Even after you handed in your work, you were keen on staying by his side, and he had nothing to complain about. It was as if the universe was finally smiling at him, all the times you'd ignored him after class now long forgotten. He was happier, brighter than usual. He told his roommate, the closest friend he had, about you. He was happy for Jaehyun, of course, but a feeling in his gut told him something was off.

The night before your spring break started, you invited him to a frat party. He’d never been to one, he didn't like them. But you were so insisting that he had no other choice but to oblige. The entire house smelled like sweat, alcohol, and drugs, disgusting, he thought. However, it was all worth it when he finally got to see you, tucked inside a tight dress that showed the figure you'd so thoroughly hide in baggy shirts. He approached you, wanting to greet you, but one of your friends dragged you away. He didn't mind it, the night was still young and he'd have plenty of time to be with you.

Not even five minutes later, you reappeared by his side, giving him one of your signature eye smiles.

“Having fun, pretty boy?” A light blush crept up his face, settling at the tip of his ears. “Let’s dance.”

His hands were firmly gripping your hips as you rubbed your body on his, causing a more than an obvious problem in his pants. Before his brain could register the current events happening, your lips were on his. It all felt too sudden, yet, he enjoyed the way you'd nip at his lower lip. It sent him to frenzy.

“I’m so wet, Jae.” You mumbled seductively against his fleshy pillows. “Want you to make me feel good.”

You dragged him to the closest room, increasing under his adoring gaze. You were so beautiful, and all his. The promise of your union was sealed that night, as you fell asleep between his arms after three intense rounds of pure bliss.

“Jaehyun?” He felt someone shaking his shoulder, it was a male voice. His arms instinctively closed tighter around your naked body to hide it from whoever was calling him, only to realize it wasn't you who was between them, but a mere pillow. “Dude, get up.” It was his roommate Johnny, picking him up after he got a call from one of the frat members. “You got so wasted yesterday, let's go, I'll take you for food.”

Wasted? He hadn't drunk anything the previous night. Nonetheless, he left the house after dressing up. He tried calling you as they waited for their waffles to no avail.

“Jaehyun, I saw your pills today in the trash bin. Have you stopped taking them?” Johnny seemed truly concerned.

“I’m better now, John. For real.” The sincerity in his words put his roommate’s heart at ease. “I found someone, I like her a lot and it seems like she does as well.”

“Dude, that's awesome. We should hang out soon, I'll invite my girlfriend.” A double date, it felt like you and Jaehyun were finally official. But the question remained, why had you left the house early in the morning?

“Sure.”

Because you wouldn't pick up any of his calls, he had to wait until Monday to confront you. During breakfast, Johnny had crushed some of his pills and sneaked them into his eggs, you can never be too safe, he thought. And, oh boy was he right.

You were picking up your belongings from your locker, getting ready to go back home during the break.

“Hey.” He leaned against the closest wall, flashing you a dimpled smile.

“Oh, hey...Jay, right?” Was that a joke?

“Sure, whatever you want. So, my roommate wants to meet you, just let me know whenever you have time and I'll tell him. By the way...” He leaned in, lips brushing against the shell of your ears. Some curious eyes were looking at you, eager to know what was happening. “I really enjoyed that night, but it would've been better if I'd woken up with you between my arms.”

“Excuse me?” You backed away abruptly, escaping his proximity. “I think you're taking me for someone else.”

“What do you mean?”

Realization hit him like a truck. You were ignoring him yet again, but he wasn't gonna take it this time. He hated lies.

“Come with me.” He gripped your forearm, easily dragging you all the way to the janitor's closet. “You don't get to play dumb with me anymore. Stop fucking lying.” You looked like a scared little mouse about to be eaten by a cat.

“I-I’m sorry, but I'm not lying, the only time I've spoken to you was when we worked together. We haven't been in touch ever since.” Even in a situation like this, you still pretended to be kind.

“Lies.” His hands closed against your neck, slightly choking you. “I don't like them, so you better be good and tell me the truth before I do something we'll both regret.” Your eyes welled with tears as you begged for your life, his grip getting tighter with every second. “Come on, angel.”

“I’m sorry, I'm a liar!” Your air supply was running short and your only option was to say what he wanted to hear, even if it was just a lie. “Please!”

“That’s a good doll.” He let go of your bruised neck, letting you fall on your knees as you coughed. “Now, you better stop lying for your own good, are we clear?”

“Yes!” You choked out, unsure of what was happening at the moment.

“I’ll call you later, have your phone by your side.”

You had walked into a trap without even knowing it.

[sorryimananti-romantic]

Mist | Choi San | Chapter 3

Pairing: Choi San x OC (Seohyun)

Genre: supernatural (ghost), romance, high school

Trigger Warnings: paranormal, death mentions, violence

Words: 9.9k

Disclaimer: I do not own anything except my original character and the story. I do not own any gifs or pictures used.

Full story on Wattpad (don’t spoil here if you read there too)

chapter directory

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"But I want to sleep..." Seohyun complained.

"Is sleep more important to you than us?" Wooyoung asked.

"Of course it is. Is that even a question?" Seohyun raised her brow and Wooyoung gaped at her.

"We've been friends for long now, Wooyoung, I thought you knew better not to ask questions like these," Yeosang said, laughing.

It had been more than a month now since that incident with San. Seohyun looked at each of them slowly, smiling. Despite herself, she had gotten quite used to the company of these boys. And they were EIGHT. It was hard to not be alone. Even if some of them were busy, the rest would always fool around after school as well.

Seohyun had gotten to know them well now too. She knew that Hongjoong, the oldest, also acted like one. He had a thing for fashion, and had reformed her navy blue cap that she always wore, embroidering a cat on it.

Seonghwa was the mom of this group for sure. He was always keeping them in check, always stopping them from doing something stupid (which was most of the times) and always helping them with homework. He was very caring, and he couldn't hide that part of himself.

Yunho was the clown of the group, and surprisingly, she was getting along with him and Yeosang quite well. Yeosang and her had the savageness in common, which mixed well with Yunho's humor. Since the three sat next to each other, they would always pass a joke or two to her even during class, and she had to beg them to stop one too many times.

Wooyoung and Mingi were quite funny too. There was just something contagious about their smiles. Seohyun found herself smiling a lot in their company. It didn't help that Wooyoung laughed like a hyena; even when she had no reason to laugh, she'd burst out laughing when she heard Wooyoung laugh.

She was getting along well with Jongho too, especially because they were paired for a project. She hadn't had the chance to talk to him much but once she did, she found that he was actually quite witty despite his dad jokes, and that he loved singing and... breaking apples. Which was weird but it was fun to see how strong he was.

"All you do is sleep, Seohyun. You have to come with us now," San insisted.

Seohyun stared at San. She was glad they were out of danger -for now. The old ghost had finally moved on after realizing that killing Seohyun was not worth it (thanks to Jiwoo). San had gotten close to Jiwoo as well. When she was not hanging out with the boys, she was with San. He liked being in her company because apparently 'he didn't want to look stupid alone staring at the distance'. He could see all sorts of ghosts now and Seohyun was helping him practice differentiating between the living and the dead.

"All right, but if I see something stupid, I leave. Okay?" Seohyun locked eyes with him and he nodded assuredly, smiling and showing off his dimples.

Hongjoong had been insisting that she finally come to their 'second home'. Apparently it was a warehouse that Hongjoong's father owned but had no use for so Hongjoong turned it into a place for him and the boys to hang out. She had no idea what they did there, and they finally wanted to show her the place because they all 'approved of her now and accepted her as one of them'.

The warehouse wasn't far from school so they decided to walk there. The black cat was walking with them now. San bent to pick her up, patting her head.

"Still didn't come up with a name?" Seohyun asked.

"You rejected Shiber. I don't want any other name," San pouted.

"I told you you could call it Shiber, I'll just... call it whatever I call her... hey what do I even call her?" Seohyun wondered.

"You never actually call her, do you?" San laughed a little, caressing the cat's neck, "She sticks to you, and you didn't even give her a name. I'm disappointed in you."

"I couldn't find the right name," Seohyun mumbled, frowning.

"Still, she's been your friend for what, like a year now-"

"FINE. Shiber. That sounds like a male name though."

"It's my plushie's name, but she reminds me of it," San admitted.

"You're naming my cat after a plushie? SAN!" Seohyun punched San's arm, making him laugh out loud. Wooyoung joined them, grinning.

"San's had that plushie since he was a kid," Wooyoung said. "I'm not surprised that he couldn't come up with any other name."

"You should've told me before, I would have never allowed him to name the cat then..." Seohyun shook her head but grinned.

"We're here!" Hongjoong announced, and Seohyun took off her sunglasses as she looked at the large warehouse, the sun reflecting harshly back at her, making her eyes water.

They went inside, Seohyun stepping in last and she blinked as her eyes adjusted to the darkness. Mingi turned the light on, and she ran her eyes around.

"Woah," she breathed. It really did feel like a 'home'. The place had everything they could think of; sofas, couches, tables, a fridge for snacks, a basket for basketball, and so many musical instruments and equipment. "Are you guys secretly famous musicians or what?"

"Nothing like that," Seonghwa laughed, "We just really like music. Hongjoong is always making songs though. We fool around."

"I wouldn't call this 'fooling around'," Seohyun said, walking towards the equipment, stopping mid-way. "Can I?"

"Of course," several of them replied, nodding. She smiled as she ran her fingers across the piano, looking at the speakers and the mics. She saw some pages, probably lyrics scribbled on them, lying on the table near.

"So you guys... make music? Do you want to be idols or something?"

"For now, we're just exploring," Jongho replied, "Who knows? Maybe some of us might want to go into the musical side."

"So you all sing?"

"I'm the rapper," Mingi said, "Hongjoong raps too."

Seohyun made an impressed face. She pressed some of the piano keys, and something clicked at her mind. She looked up at Hongjoong as a grin spread across her face. "So that's why your fingers are always tapping at the desk. You make music!"

"Oh? I'm surprised you noticed," Hongjoong admitted.

"It's hard to not notice when you're sitting in my vision with fingers tapping nonstop while I'm trying to focus in class. You were doing something like this today, weren't you?" Seohyun said and played the keys that had unintentionally been printed in her memory.

"Woah, I'm more surprised that you remembered it!" Hongjoong clapped in disbelief and then narrowed his eyes at her. "Do you... know how to play?"

"The piano? Not much. But I have a drum set at home," Seohyun said and she saw as the boys looked at each other, applauding her.

"What?" Seohyun asked.

"We knew there was something about you," Wooyoung went on dramatically, waving his hands as he said "who knew we had a shared passion for music?"

"I wouldn't call it 'passion' per se, it's more of a... hobby. A stress-reliever, if you will. And stop ogling at me like you guys won a jackpot. I know what's going through your heads, and I say no."

"But you can play!" Mingi wailed, "We need more people to play the instruments! These guys-" he pointed at the boys one by one, "-they never learn!"

"Hey, hey, hey, look who's saying! Didn't you want to learn drums? What happened to that?"

"I don't have a drum-set!"

"I can play too!" Jongho and Yeosang complained.

Seohyun watched as the boys started arguing among themselves, and she shook her head. She had never imagined they like making music this much. If she had known, she might not have told them about her drums, much less her room full of instruments at a time like this.

"If you don't shut up, I'll never bring any instrument here."

"You mean you will if we shut up?" San asked, followed by Seonghwa who said, "You have more than one instrument?"

Seohyun sighed. "This is overwhelming, okay? Like I respect what you do, but I'm still new to being friends with you all, and it would take me some time to open up to you guys about the instruments. It's just... I have some memories- I don't really want to go back there."

"Oh..." San raised his brow and she bit her lip. She hadn't lied. She had some memories attached to those instruments that she would rather forget. It had been about two years since she'd played. She wanted to shut out that part of herself. She wanted to throw those instruments, but she hadn't been able to.

"Can you just... tell me which instruments you have, other than the drums?" Hongjoong asked cautiously.

Seohyun rolled her eyes. "Drums, bass, electric-"

"WOW!" Wooyoung gasped out very loud.

"-and violin. And I can play piano and guitar too. But it's been like two years since I last played so I'm probably very rough now..."

"Is one of your parent a musician or what?" Yunho asked.

"No, the drums were my mom's. The rest, I bought them when I was going through a phase."

"A phase. Wow," Yeosang snickered, earning daggers from Seohyun.

"Alright, we won't pressure you or anything. But you're free to play the piano if you want to," Yunho suggested, "and you're free to do whatever you want."

"Thanks for understanding," Seohyun muttered, smiling at him.

"But I wanted to learn the drums..." Mingi wailed.

"Who knows? Maybe I'll be the one to teach you," Seohyun said nonchalantly, making him smile his famous gummy smile.

"So anyways, what's with those mirrors?" Seohyun asked.

"Oh, that? We like to dance too," Jongho said.

"Oh my god. You guys should stop watching all those idol videos..."

"But we're good at it!" Wooyoung laughed, "And anyways, even if we don't go down that route, we love doing it anyway. It's our way of releasing stress."

"Sure," Seohyun nodded.

"Don't tell me you can dance too," Seonghwa narrowed his eyes at her.

"Oh no. I don't think I can," Seohyun admitted. Unless you could count those random 3 am sad twerks as dancing. The boys watched as she suspiciously tried to avoid their gaze, looking around.

"So now that we've told you so much about ourselves, how about you tell us something that we don't know?" Jongho suggested.

"I don't know what's there to tell," Seohyun said, her eyes unintentionally falling on San who lightly shook his head.

"Anything. Something. It's just that we'd like to know you more," Seonghwa smiled warmly at her.

"How about you just ask me and I'll answer? Because it feels like I'll never be able to start myself..."

"Or how about," Yeosang started, a devilish smile spreading across his face, "we play truth or dare?"

"Oh no..."

----------------

Yeosang made everyone sit in a circle, and though very reluctant at first, Seohyun had to sit down too (after being dragged by Wooyoung). They discussed the rules; they could choose between truth or dare, and if a person didn't want to answer a question they should just say so instead of lying, which would earn them a penalty.

Hongjoong spun the bottle, and Seohyun prayed it would never land on her. At least not today. She wasn't feeling it. She still thought that the eight of them were well knit as they were, they didn't need her between them.

The bottle landed on Yunho, and he laughed nervously. Jongho asked truth or dare, and he replied with dare. Not fair, Seohyun thought. She wasn't sure she would ever choose dare. She had no idea what sort of dares they were gonna give.

"Alright, show us your golden retriever! You haven't done that in a long time!"

"Golden retriever?" Seohyun asked. She had heard them talk about it once or twice, but she had no idea what it was about.

"Ah, I'm getting nervous~" Yunho laughed awkwardly. She supposed it was because he was gonna do it in front of her for the first time.

"Come on, don't be shy," Wooyoung teased and he nodded, taking in a deep breath. He turned his head back, then looked forward, his eyes a bit wide as he made a paw out of his hand and flicked it, barking in the cutest way possible.

Seohyun was silent for a moment before she burst out laughing. She was howling at this point, making the rest of them laugh too.

"At least I made her laugh!" Yunho said proudly.

Seohyun wiped tears from the corner of her eyes. "That was hilarious. You really do look like a puppy, Yunho."

"Thanks?" Yunho said and laughed.

"Alright, next!" Jongho said, spinning the bottle, and to Seohyun's relief, it stopped at Hongjoong who was right next to her. He wailed.

"I choose... dare."

"You all are gonna end up choosing dare. I'll be the only one choosing truth it seems," Seohyun groaned.

"You know what to do," Yeosang said, locking eyes with Wooyoung who nodded. "Michael Jackson impression."

"NO! I CHOOSE TRUTH!"

"It's too late to turn back now!" San said.

"It's embarrassing enough to do it even in front of one of you, and now there's EIGHT of you. Alright. Here goes nothing." Hongjoong got up and straightened his clothes. He took a few steps back so everyone could see. He made the famous pose and sang Billie Jeans, attempting to mimic Michel Jackson's style. It would have been okay if everyone hadn't burst out laughing, making Seohyun laugh a little too.

"How did you even come up with this?" Seohyun asked in disbelief.

"I don't even remember now..." Hongjoong pouted. He spun the bottle, and it landed on Wooyoung.

"Truth," he smiled rather proudly, folding his arms.

"Who do you love more, Hongjoong or Seonghwa?" Yeosang asked. The rest of them laughed as Wooyoung's eyes went wide in panic.

"That's like you're asking if I like mom or dad more! Isn't this unfair?"

"Who did you like more though?" Jongho asked.

"Mom-"

"You like Seonghwa more. Alright, next!" Hongjoong concluded, leaving Wooyoung attempting to explain that it was not like that anymore and he liked both of them equally, but everyone was ignoring him. Seohyun thought it must be an inside joke too.

"Your turn," San smirked at her. Seohyun, who had been distracted and hadn't seen the bottle spin, eyed them suspiciously.

"I move my eyes off the bottle for a second and it lands on me. Are you sure you didn't cheat?"

"We did NO SUCH THING," Wooyoung huffed.

Seohyun locked eyes with each of them. "Fine. Truth."

She watched as the boys looked at each other, suggesting questions while Seohyun tried to calm the rumbling storm of nervousness in her stomach. Should she have gone with dare?

"Can we ask... anything?" Mingi looked at her and Seohyun shrugged.

"I mean, we're friends now, right? So go ahead. If I think it's too personal, I'll say so." Seohyun nodded and the boys looked at each other before finally turning to her.

"What's the real reason you don't have friends?"

Seohyun's eyes unintentionally went to San's, and the boys noticed, looking between the two of them. San shrugged, as if saying 'I tried.'

"Does... San know something?" Seonghwa asked cautiously.

"You don't have to answer, you know that right?" Yeosang added.

Seohyun sighed deeply, nodding. She looked at San again, who nodded back, pointing behind her and mouthing Jiwoo. Seohyun sighed in relief now. She might as well give it a try.

"Since you guys shared something today, I will too. But it's kind of... weird. Unbelievable. You might think I'm lying. You might think worse things. Whatever you think, do tell me, because I can prove it."

"Don't tell me you're some sort of a secret agent," Yeosang said, earning a slap from Hongjoong who shushed him.

"Alright, we'll hear you out," he said.

"I... can see ghosts. The dead."

There was a moment of silence before Jongho raised his eyebrow. "What? You mind saying that again?"

"I said I can see the dead. I can see ghosts. I can touch them. I help them move on."

While the boys exchanged looks, still in disbelief, San smiled at her and Seohyun nervously laughed. She had finally said it out loud.

"So you can... see ghosts? Like in the movies?" Mingi asked.

"Yep. They're just like us. Unless they're old."

"How do we believe you? I mean, you could be joking," Yunho asked.

"Well, San knows," Seohyun said, and everyone looked at San, who nodded, then looked back at her.

"How does he know?" Wooyoung asked.

"Long story. He got caught up in something, which led him to discover my secret and eventually led him to seeing ghosts too."

"You both are mad." Wooyoung laughed nervously.

"You want proof?" Seohyun challenged.

"Sure. I can do with that," Wooyoung folded his arms, anticipating.

"Alright folks, you're in for a surprise," Seohyun heard Jiwoo say. Jiwoo rubbed her hands and went near Seohyun, picking her hair and making it look like it was flying in the air.

The boys... shouted.

"MEDUSA!" She heard someone shout amidst them. San tried to calm them down but it was no use. They all were... freaking out, to put it simply. Half of them were gasping while the other half was laughing in disbelief.

Jiwoo dropped her hair down and they watched as she pulled the sunglasses off her shirt and the glasses magically disappeared.

"Where did the glasses go?" Wooyoung asked.

"Ji- the ghost. Her name is Jiwoo. She's a friend of mine. So when she takes something of mine, it would disappear once I'm not holding it anymore. But-" Jiwoo handed her the glasses back and they watched it appear out of thin air, "when she gives them back, here they are."

"Is this... magic or really a ghost?" Jongho asked.

"It's a ghost, believe me," San finally said.

"So you can see ghosts now too? How?"

"Let me explain," Seohyun said, and narrated the events, giving a little backstory about how she was born with this, and that she actually helped ghosts move on.

"That's kind of cool though," Yunho commented.

"Wouldn't call it cool," Seohyun muttered and Seonghwa noticed.

"It must not be easy to live like this..." he said, and she hesitantly nodded.

"Is that why you changed schools so often?" Hongjoong asked and she nodded. The boys looked at each other, trying to figure out what to say.

"Well, you won't have to worry about that again," Yeosang said, "We'll help you. You won't have to move again if something happens."

"It's not that easy, Yeosang. If something unexplainable happens, I won't be able to hide it."

"Oh don't worry about that," Mingi laughed, "unexplainable things always happen to me. We'll cover for you, trust me."

Seohyun was, for the first time, touched by how earnest they sounded. They really were a weird group of friends.

"I'm kind of jealous that San can see ghosts now too," Hongjoong sulked. "Can't we see too?"

Before Seohyun could answer, everyone else burst into complains too about how they wanted to see too. "Hey hey," Seohyun began, "first of all, it's too risky. I almost died and then San was able to see."

"WHAT!"

"You forgot to tell them that part," San muttered.

"Ah, right. So when I had to teleport San, we ended up in the other dimension, right? So I had to teleport again, and I had a massive nosebleed plus headache. I passed out too."

"Oh..."

"Even if it was easy, I would never do that to you. And I wish I could take it away from San. I wish it would fade," Seohyun said, and San looked at her, shocked. He had not expected this.

"It's not about it being cool, San," she locked eyes with him, "Being able to see ghosts mean you're attracting danger every second. Thank god you can't touch them. That means they're not able to touch you, not directly. I want you all to be safe, that's why I won't ever do that to the rest of you."

There was a moment of heavy silence, then Seonghwa broke the ice. "I understand. It's okay, you don't have to do that. We want you to be safe too, so if you're ever in some sort of danger, don't hesitate to ask for help."

"Thanks Seonghwa, I really appreciate it." Seohyun smiled.

"It's really unbelievable though. What does this ghost look like?" Wooyoung asked, eyes brimming with curiosity.

Seohyun grinned a little. "Well, she's a girl. Jiwoo. She's about my height, has long black hair with red streaks. Has a mole on her cheek. Also, she's weird-"

Jiwoo kicked Seohyun's back lightly, but she just continued. "She died in a car accident. A ghost with amnesia. Unbelievable is the right word, Wooyoung."

"Woah. She sounds familiar though..." Wooyoung looked towards Hongjoong who shook his head. Seohyun noticed but didn't comment on it.

"So you're waiting for her to remember so she can move on?" Hongjoong asked.

"Yeah. She's been sticking with me for months now, and I got used to her."

"Ah... that's understandable," Hongjoong looked at his wristwatch, "Anyways, we should go home now. it's late."

"I thought we were playing truth or dare. This turned into a horror show. How will I sleep at night!" Mingi wailed dramatically, making them laugh. Wooyoung called him 'scaredy cat' and San said, "Like you're one to say."

Seohyun smiled at Jiwoo. This had been an unexpected night, and she had never expected them to believe her and not make fun of her. She looked at the boys, bickering, and smiled at them.

She felt comfortable.

-----------------

The next few days at school had been... annoying, to put it simply.

The boys were very excited at the new discovery about their friend they had made. They simply couldn't contain themselves- save for San, and Seohyun found her patience wearing off day by day.

It wasn't that she was ungrateful for how things had turned out. She simply hadn't expected this sort of a behaviour. Secondly, she did not know how to deal with 7 excited boys who couldn't stop asking her the most stupid of questions.

She had to admit some of the questions did make sense. Like Yeosang asking if a ghost's touch and human's touch was any different. Seohyun shook her head as she thought of how the question had shook her.

"What do you mean?" Seohyun asked.

"Do you feel different when a ghost touches you? Like, Jiwoo. Does her touch feel different than a regular human's?"

Seohyun inhaled sharply as she was reminded of the time she had spent in her music room, laughing, with him, holding his hand, touching-

"I'm sorry, was it a wrong question?" Yeosang finally asked and Seohyun realized she had been staring at him too long.

"Uh, no. I'm sorry I zoned out. I suppose it is- it is a bit different. I don't know how to explain it. It's not... warm."

Seohyun shook her head as she waved off the memory. Another memory made its way....

"This friend of yours, Jiwoo," Hongjoong asked, "is she here right now?"

"She may not find the idea of dying twice appealing," Seohyun muttered.

"What?" Hongjoong furrowed his brows in confusion.

"Now why would a ghost attend school? Surely she doesn't wish to die of boredom. AGAIN."

Hongjoong laughed. "So she's not here? Do you know her full name?"

"Ahn Jiwoo, I think," Seohyun replied. She noticed Hongjoong's eyes gleam as his mind worked.

"How old do you think she is? And can you describe how she looks like?"

"Playing detective, are you?" Seohyun raised her brow.

"Just answer. I may have something."

"Well, she looks our age, maybe a year older, she has an average face, honestly I haven't noticed much. She does have red hair."

Hongjoong nodded slowly, and Seohyun asked when he was going to let her in.

"I'll just check something. If it's true, I'll tell you."

Seohyun shook her head again. She should really be focusing on class. But her mind went back to think of the stupid questions. Yunho had asked if 'ghosts could eat' and when she had replied no, he said he was just wondering if they did eat, did they excrete as well. And if so, was the ghost realm full of-

Shit, she thought as she heard Yunho giggling. "You keep shaking your head. What's wrong?"

"Believe it or not, I was actually thinking about you," Seohyun admitted.

"Oh?" Yunho turned a bit towards her, smirking. "And what scandalous thoughts made you shake your head so much?"

"How in the world could your brain wonder if the ghost realm was full of ghost shit?" Seohyun almost shouted, but clearly she hadn't been quite as well. She earned a warning glance from her teacher and sunk in her chair as Yunho shook with silent laughter.

After the class was over, Hongjoong made his way to Seohyun.

"Is Jiwoo here?" He asked.

"Again, no. Why are you so interested in her?" Seohyun folded her arms and Hongjoong snatched Seonghwa's seat from his spot, sitting near her and placing a book on her desk.

"This is last year's yearbook. We have some photos from an event, and I want you to tell me if you spot Jiwoo."

Seohyun raised her eyebrows. Jiwoo- she could have been a student here?

She supposed it was possible. San turned too, muttering how he can recognize her too, and they flipped the pages, checking each one carefully until finally San pointed at a person and looked at Seohyun, who had paled.

"That's... Jiwoo. How did you know, Hongjoong?"

"I guessed when you told me her name. San told me how she had died of an accident and had amnesia, and I could remember hearing something about a senior here who had died in a car crash. So I put 2 and 2 together and here we are."

"But, this doesn't help much, right? We only know that she was a student here. What's this got to do with how she died, and why she is still here?"

"There were rumours circulating her death," Hongjoong sat back, "Her father was a prisoner falsely accused of some crimes, and she was trying to get justice. I talked to some of my senior friends, who had been her classmates, and they told me that she had started receiving some threats."

"And they must have given all this information to the police too?"

"Yes," Hongjoong nodded, "Now you know her identity. You can talk to her friends, go to her home, and finally help her move on."

San felt his heart sink as he looked at Seohyun. They both were thinking the same thing. Seohyun had grown very attached to her and she did not want to do this. She gulped, and nodded slowly.

"Of course. I guess I should thank you..." As the words left Seohyun's mouth, Hongjoong heard something bitter in her tone.

"Did I do something wrong?" Hongjoong asked, and Seohyun didn't reply, only shook her head no, and San shushed Hongjoong, mouthing that he'd explain later. Seohyun got up abruptly, her bag falling off from the chair. But she didn't hear it. She couldn't see anything, couldn't hear anything.

"I need some air," she muttered and rushed out of the classroom, leaving the boys staring.

"Shit," San clicked his tongue, "You did the right thing, Hongjoong, but you have to understand. Jiwoo is her friend. A sister to her. If she moves on... I should go after her."

"Are you sure I did the right thing?" Hongjoong asked him as he gave him space to move. San nodded and went after Seohyun.

"It looks like there's more to the story than she lets on," Yeosang commented. Hongjoong only looked at the door. It did seem like it.

San ran around the 1st floor where their class was, then went downstairs, hoping she was somewhere here. After checking the empty rooms, he went outside, towards the lawn, and found a figure sitting near a tree, staring in the space. He narrowed his eyes, then spotted the cat wandering around her, and his shoulders sank in relief.

He wasn't sure if he was the right person to be there. Surely Seonghwa could comfort her better. Or Yunho. But he was the only one other than Seohyun who would miss Jiwoo. He could relate to her, somewhat. So he decided to sit down beside her.

As he did so, he realized she was shaking. San looked at her worried. "Seohyun? Are you alright?"

Seohyun couldn't breathe. She was having some sort of an attack, like the ones she had about two years ago. She heard San alright, but she was afraid if she spoke, she'd cry.

"Here, have some water," San uncapped the bottle and closed her hand around it, and she managed a sip then handed it back to San.

"This is about Jiwoo, right? She's your friend, and you don't want to let go of her. I understand, Seohyun."

Seohyun sighed, fisting her hands. It wasn't just about her. It was the flood of memories that had come crashing without a warning when she thought of Jiwoo disappearing.

San put his hand on hers, caressing it, hoping it would give her some sort of comfort. He looked at her. All her walls, her strong walls she put around her were breaking down. Her lips were parted and wobbling. She looked like she might cry any second.

"You want to talk about it?" he whispered, and she sighed, nodding, taking deep breaths. She wouldn't cry. Not right now.

"You know it. I have grown attached to Jiwoo. Hell, she practically lives with me. I shouldn't have allowed this in the first place. I knew she was going to move on someday, yet I grew emotionally attached to her. I'm so weak."

"You're strong because you helped her too. She had no memories. How do you think she would have felt if not for you? She couldn't even go to her family or friends. You became that for her."

"I know," Seohyun bit her lip. "It's not just that. It's... I- I had someone. Like her. He and I... We were close. And one day, he was gone-" She bit her lip again, taking a deep breath.

"It's okay. You had no one then, right? You have us now. You have more friends than you could have ever thought of. You're so brave, Seohyun," San said, putting an arm around her shoulder, rubbing her back as he smiled. "You're one of the strongest people I know. We're both going to miss Jiwoo, but we have to help her move on. You don't want her to stay here too long now, do you?

Seohyun shook her head. San smiled again as she looked at him, making her smile a bit too. "There. We'll send her off with a celebration, okay? No more sadness. Okay?"

"Okay," Seohyun smiled. She could do that.

"Let's get back to class," San said, getting up first then helping her up. She dusted off her clothes and they walked in comfortable silence back, though San had to admit he felt weird. His heart... wasn't acting right.

Hongjoong casted a cautious glance at Seohyun as she entered, but she passed a little smile as she settled. Yeosang looked curiously at her, and she made a face.

"Is something bothering you?" Yeosang finally asked. He watched as Seohyun sighed. Sometimes it felt to him like she was carrying the weight of the whole world on her shoulders. Like she would bend under the pressure.

But she was strong too. She passed a little smile and said, "Yes. I'll talk about it later."

Yeosang just nodded, watching her curiously as she stared at her notebook. And then she sat back in her seat, staring at San.

---------------

"You're telling me that I was a student here? That this is a big, big 'coincidence' that you had to transfer, of all the schools in the city, right here?"

"For the hundredth time, Jiwoo, yes. I know you think I transferred here on purpose, that I somehow found about your life and didn't tell you, but believe me, this is a big, big coincidence." Seohyun replied, looking at San for help.

San shrugged, saying, "The way you're always hanging around Seohyun, when do you think she even had the time to plot this?"

Seohyun clapped her hand, smiling approvingly at San. "See? I told you he isn't that dumb. That is a great point, San." She watched as San shook his head, the faintest trace of smile on his lips.

The three of them- with the cat, of course, had this meeting in the same park that Seohyun and San had once teleported in. It had took a few days for Seohyun to finally settle with the fact that yes, Jiwoo was going to move on. But it won't be like before.

Seohyun found herself thinking of that time. The piano. His slender fingers gracefully playing music. His hands guiding hers across the keys. His contagious laugh. His deep eyes, covered by dark tendrils of hair-

"Earth to Seohyun?" Jiwoo was clapping in front of Seohyun now and she blinked. She cast a quick glance at San, who was watching her more confused than curious.

"Yeah. I'm back. What are you planning?"

"I suggested we show her the photo. She might recognize some people from the photo." San said.

"Also, I walked around the school building a few times, and it did feel familiar. I thought it was just because it was a school and schools are, you know, pretty much built the same. But I would have the strongest of headaches when I walked there," Jiwoo admitted.

"A ghost having headaches? Here's something to tell Yunho," Seohyun thought out aloud, "Though one might think that death would relieve you of all worldly headaches..."

"It's probably because of my amnesia. But yeah, San's right. I'll have a look at the photo. I'll come to school tomorrow."

----------

"Wow, that's me," Jiwoo gasped.

"Of course it's you," Seohyun muttered. Jiwoo ignored her and continued to stare at her picture. Seohyun cast a look at the boys. They were watching the book flip pages on its own, their mouths slightly open in surprise.

"She can hear us, right?" Wooyoung asked Seohyun, who wanted to make fun of Wooyoung but wasn't quite in the mood. She was more busy thinking if Jiwoo would indeed remember something.

"Come closer, Jongho. We're still in class, no one should see the book moving on its own," Mingi motioned with his hand.

"No one is looking unless you start acting weird," Yeosang commented.

"I'm having the worst headache right now. Is this normal?" Jiwoo asked.

"You're a ghost, unnie. Nothing's normal about you."

Jiwoo tsk-ed at her and then looked at Hongjoong. "He should know something about where exactly I died. If it was an accident, I might be able to remember something."

"Not sure if that would work," Seohyun's mood was very gloomy. San shook his head at her, and she sighed before asking Hongjoong if he knew something about where she had died.

Hongjoong, to Seohyun's dismay, said he'd find out in a minute. It looked like he texted one of his friends, and while they were waiting for an answer, San told the boys what was happening just so they would stop asking after each second.

Seohyun caught Hongjoong glancing at her, as if trying to convey a message. Seohyun understood and casually checked her phone, indeed finding a text from Hongjoong, which read:

There's a possibility that her death might not have been an accident

Seohyun frowned. Was she murdered? Or did she commit suicide? She felt as if it would hurt Jiwoo no matter the answer.

What do you mean?

Hongjoong replied:

I'll tell you later.

With that, Hongjoong told Seohyun out loud that his friend would have to ask around for the address, and that settled it. Jiwoo announced that she was gonna roam around the school again, and maybe that would make her remember something too. She asked San to remind Hongjoong to find out her home address too. That would certainly spark a bulb, if nothing else.

As soon as Jiwoo walked out of their classroom, Hongjoong brought everyone closer. "My friend gave me the address. It's near a restaurant here."

"Why didn't you tell Jiwoo?" San asked.

"When Jiwoo passed away, her friends were told that it was an accident. But according to my sources, they say she was out with some of her friends. They had somehow gotten in an argument, causing her to flee and accidentally crash with a car."

"So it is an accident, right?" Seonghwa asked.

"That's the thing. Some people say that one of them pushed her in front of the traffic, and that they are all covering it up. We have got to find out what happened. Before we tell Jiwoo."

Seohyun pursed her lips. This is not how she thought it would have turned out. Sure, most of the ghosts she dealt with had usually been murdered. But that didn't make hearing any of this easier.

"Alright, we will find out. We need to distract Jiwoo. San, you'll help me out, right?"

"Of course," San said, sitting straighter. Seohyun laid out their plan; they were gonna divide into two. San, Wooyoung, Yeosang and Jongho would lead Jiwoo to a false address, somewhere far from where the rest of them were going to go and actually investigate what really happened. If she had died in a car crash, however that happened, the people around would remember and would be able to recall the incident.

After school, they told Jiwoo that she would go with San to check if that was the right place, since Hongjoong's source could be 'unreliable'. Meanwhile the rest of them were going to find out her home address by asking around. Jiwoo didn't suspect them thankfully, and gladly went along with them.

"I have the home address too," Hongjoong said, "It's on the way to the restaurant. We should pass by there too."

"Yeah," Seohyun muttered. "Do you think I should talk to her family too?"

"I think you should, but after we visit the restaurant. That would certainly give us more information. because all you have now is nothing about the real Jiwoo."

"Point." Seohyun thought it was kind of ironic. She knew nothing about how Jiwoo would have been when alive. The thought of it made her heart twist with pain.

As they walked to the site, Seohyun was so lost in thought that she didn't see the rest of them exchange nervous glances. They all realized that Jiwoo had been her only friend for a good while. And they could definitely see how difficult it was for Seohyun to let her go.

"Can I ask you something?" Seonghwa finally said.

"Whenever someone asks me if they can ask me something, it's usually going to be something about my personal life. Go ahead, shoot."

Seonghwa shook his head. "How many ghosts friends did you have to let go of?"

Seohyun stopped in her tracks. It took her a second before she started walking again. "That is a very good question, Seonghwa."

Mingi and Yunho exchanged looks. They knew she always made remarks like these when trying to avoid something. "Jiwoo has been your friend for a few months. It must be hard for you."

"It is, actually," Seohyun admitted. "And most of my friends, sadly, have been ghosts. They're a better company. I sharpen my dark humor on them. I make a lot of dead jokes, if you haven't noticed that already."

"I did," Mingi raised his hand, smiling sheepishly. "Knowing you can actually see ghosts makes them more funnier."

"I know," Seohyun smiled back.

They finally reached the restaurant. It was a traditional one, with tables set outside as well as inside. Potted plants made for most of the décor, a stark contrast to the mauve and white theme, and the scent of spices filled the air.

Seohyun's eyes traced what could have been a possible path; Jiwoo walking out of the door, a car speeding forward-

"How do you suppose we're gonna find some information? We can't just go and ask them to show us the CCTV footage or something," Yunho said, looking pointedly at the camera.

"We won't have to," Hongjoong said, "We just have to make up a good story. Come on, we're eating something from here."

"Really, Hongjoong? Do you think we have the time?" Seohyun asked.

"Trust me. Come on," Hongjoong said, not waiting for them and walking inside. They seated themselves in the corner, and a waiter came to take their order. After ordering some barbeque, Hongjoong told them that he was going to ask for water while they would be in the middle of eating, and they would start talking about the incident. When the waiter comes, he would hear them talk about it, and provide his comments on the topic without asking.

"If I was the waiter, I'd kick you out," Seohyun said, sitting back and folding her arms, making the rest of them snicker.

"This works every time," Hongjoong said, his eyes glinting with challenge, as he mirrored Seohyun's pose.

"And what if he doesn't talk?" Seohyun asked.

"In that case, I have a backup plan. I don't come unprepared." Hongjoong said, and Seohyun rolled her eyes, looking at Yunho who was sitting beside her.

"Is he always this confident about himself?" She asked.

"When he's sure, yes," Yunho nodded.

"Don't tell me he's a secret investigator or detective or something," Seohyun muttered.

"I could make some similar assumptions about you," Hongjoong muttered back.

"Shut up, blueberry."

"You should, you old-"

"Just because I have grey hair doesn't mean I'm old-"

"Stop it, you both," Seonghwa laughed. Hongjoong pouted. "But do you dye your hair?"

"Yeah. Some years ago I went blonde. Now I prefer the more... dead tones, if you will," Seohyun said, and Mingi grinned. "How's the drum learning going, Mingi?"

"Ah," Mingi sighed, "I still make do with boxes and plates. I think I could do a good freestyle if I had an actual drum set."

"I used to air drum all the time. You should drum along to some songs you like. Really helps."

"I'll try that," he smiled.

"When do you think you're showing us your music room?" Hongjoong asked.

"Not anytime soon," Seohyun said. Before Hongjoong could ask something, they saw the waiter come with their food. Hongjoong muttered ''play along' and started speaking.

"I've been wanting to try this place for a while now. But I heard there was some sort of accident here, so I couldn't come." Hongjoong widened his eyes in signal and Yunho began, "Oh I've tried, and I'll tell you, it's really good."

The waiter set their food, and Seohyun watched Hongjoong and Yunho go on about the restaurant, slightly amused. As soon as the waiter went, Hongjoong frowned at them.

"The three of you could have said something."

"This seemed more natural," Seohyun said. "Two guys raving about food. Nothing suspicious about that."

After a few bites of the amazingly juicy barbeque beef, Mingi asked for water. Hongjoong cleared his throat.

"I heard a girl died somewhere around here. They're saying it could be murder. People these days!"

"I'll tell you, sir," the waiter, a middle aged man with wrinkles around his eyes began, surprising Seohyun, "it was an accident. A bunch of students. The usual crowd. Had an argument and the girl went out in a rush- nobody followed. A few seconds later, we heard a horrible sound and screams. The people out there witnessed it."

"But why would people say she was pushed?" Seonghwa asked.

"People make all sorts of stories, girl," the man said, shaking his head in disapproval. "I was inside. I know none of the friends went after her. The crowd outside was too absorbed with their food. Nobody saw anything until the crash happened."

"Ah.. I see. So I guess since this was an accident, the matter cleared up quickly? With the police and all?"

"Of course," the man said, "they saw the footage. Nobody pushed her. A pity that people had to spread rumors like that. Didn't help us. Nobody came here for days."

"I'm sorry that happened," Yunho said, and Seohyun felt that he actually meant it. "I hope more people are coming here now, for the food."

"Oh we're getting back now. Enjoy," the man smiled at them and went away. They all looked at each other.

"So it's an accident. But this doesn't make sense," Seohyun said, "if she died because of her own mistake, why is she still hanging around?"

"Unfinished business?" Mingi suggested.

"Usually happens when someone is killed, but yeah. She must have made it to the hospital and lost her memories during treatment. That must mean she's holding a grudge, or actually has something so important to do that despite her memories being lost, somehow she stuck to this world."

"That makes sense," Yunho said.

They finished the food lost in thoughts, and decided that is that was the case, it was wiser to not talk to her family. She could be holding a grudge against them too.

Though they now knew how Jiwoo had died, and they were one step closer to sorting this all out, Seohyun felt dread creeping upon her.

-------------

"I can't believe you sent me to the wrong address!" Jiwoo exclaimed.

"It wasn't on purpose! Hongjoong's friend confused you with someone else. It seems like he deals with this kind of stuff often," Seohyun was nodding her head along, as if that could convince Jiwoo. "And anyway, at least it wasn't all a waste. We're going to the place where you died, are you sure you're ready?"

"Born ready," Jiwoo said, pumping her fist in the air.

"Born ready but-"

"Don't, Seohyun, just don't" San cut her off, shaking his head. Jiwoo laughed. Seohyun pouted but stopped.

The three of them were going to the place where Jiwoo had her accident. It was only yesterday that Seohyun had come with Hongjoong, Seonghwa, Yunho and Mingi, and had falsely led Jiwoo to someplace else with the rest of the boys. Now, upon constant insistence of Jiwoo, the two of them decided they'd better take her.

It wasn't because Jiwoo threatened to summon a bunch of revengeful ghosts. Nope. It certainly hadn't been that.

"We're close now," San said, pointing ahead, "It's right across the road. You should start looking on your own now. Without distractions."

"Don't look at me, San," Seohyun muttered.

"You're right. You both can... wait for me here. I'll see if it rocks a memory," Jiwoo said, and went ahead, leaving the two of them watching her go.

"Do you think we should be there for her?" Seohyun finally asked, "The memories might be painful."

"I think she should just walk down memory lane. We'd only distract her. Going on her own is sure to bring back some memories."

"I still wonder what made her stay," Seohyun said, and San looked at her. It was one of those moments when she was not wearing a filter. San felt like he was intruding- it was rare to see her so... present. There.

"Have you dealt with many murder cases? Or suicide ones?" San finally asked.

"You think it's one of the two?" She asked.

"I think it could be something simple. I know if I died today, the only reason I'd hang here would be to say a final goodbye. That is, if I die suddenly."

"Believe it or not, those are the hardest," Seohyun turned towards San, "With other cases, it's usually finding justice, or personal satisfaction. But goodbyes are difficult. I wouldn't want that for anyone. It's harder for those who are living."

San narrowed his eyes at her for the briefest moment. It felt like sometimes she meant more with what she spoke. Like there was a backstory he did not know.

"It looks like you've had some experience with that," San asked cautiously. Seohyun bit her lip and he saw the slightest of tremble in her hand before she closed them in a fist. She was suddenly reminded of San's hand on hers comforting her.

"You're right, actually," Seohyun finally said, surprising San, "I'll tell you. I need to move on too."

"You don't have to," San assured, but she shook her head.

"His name was Joon Hyuk. It was two years ago. He and I used to go to the same music academy. We were only friends then, not close, until he passed away suddenly. He had a heart problem."

"I'm sorry to hear that," San said. He truly was. He couldn't imagine how he'd cope if one of his friends met the same fate.

"I was shook, but that wasn't the end of the story. He was hanging on because he wanted to say goodbye to his family. It took him a few days, and I helped him come to terms with his death. That's when we grew close. I used to be home alone, and we'd just sit in the music room and talk all night. He told me all about his life. I told him about mine. He taught me to play the piano." Seohyun shivered a bit but continued. "He said his goodbye, but he still didn't move on."

"Does that usually happen?" San asked.

"No. It was because he found something to stay for. Me."

The breeze made San shiver too as it settled in. His heart twisted with emotions he couldn't recognize. He wanted to comfort Seohyun somehow, but he stood frozen.

"Ironic, isn't it? He found something to live for when he had already died." Seohyun's lips quivered. She stared at the light bulb near her, hoping it would force back her incoming tears. This wasn't the time to cry. She looked at San and smiled, "I knew it was wrong. But I was so alone. I craved friendship. I craved love. And I got it for a while. It was short. He started to change. You remember the old man?"

San nodded. The man because of whom he could now see ghosts too.

"It's like the process sped up. He started to become bitter. It would come and go. When he was sane, I finally told him to move on before he became- that, before I had to force myself to send him away. And he did. Without a goodbye this time. I guess that was the only way he could manage it."

"I'm sorry you had to go through that, Seohyun. I-"

San wanted to say so much but they heard a scream which was unmistakably Jiwoo's, and with a look at each other, they rushed to the source of the sound. They found Jiwoo clutching at her head, down on the ground

Seohyun rushed to her, sitting down and hugging her, muttering comforting stuff that San couldn't make out. He just stood and provided cover, hoping no one would notice Seohyun hugging the air.

It took a few seconds for Jiwoo to calm down, and when she did, she sighed loudly, looking at the sun.

"It's coming back," she announced. "I remember how I died. My own fault. How dumb is that?" She laughed.

"Glad to see you're back in your spirits," San scoffed.

"You, boy, have been making unintentional puns," Jiwoo scoffed back, making Seohyun grin.

"So how much do you remember?"

"It's coming back. You guys should go your own way. I'll just wait for it to come back. I think I know where to go too. I remember my home. I think- I think I know why I'm here too."

Seohyun and San shared a look. "You wanna tell us?"

"I gotta check something first," Jiwoo said, getting up and helping Seohyun up too. "Off you go."

"Weirdo," Seohyun muttered and Jiwoo just waved at her before she started walking. Seohyun was resting her hands on her hips, tapping her jeans, watching her go with a frown.

"IF YOU MOVE ON WITHOUT SAYING GOODBYE I'LL HUNT YOU EVEN IN THE AFTERLIFE OR WHEREVER IS IT THAT YOU GHOSTS GO!" Seohyun shouted at Jiwoo, startling San and the couple walking past.

"YOU BETTER HOLD A FREAKING FAREWELL PARTY THEN!" Jiwoo shouted back. Before Seohyun could retort, San took her by the arm and dragged her in the opposite direction, laughing and telling her she should stop before the whole neighbourhood comes out.

"I'll walk you home," San said. He wasn't sure if now was the time to leave Seohyun alone.

"If you insist," Seohyun said, and they walked in silence. San wanted to say something about how she had been wise to send Joon Hyuk off, something to comfort her, but he couldn't find the words. He was sure Seohyun would be too busy thinking about Jiwoo. He decided he'd walk in silence and let her sort her thoughts.

When they finally reached her home, Seohyun looked at San. "You wanna stop for some coffee? Maybe a snack?"

"Oh no, don't bother," San waved her off.

"I have chocolate chip cookies," Seohyun wiggled her eyebrows.

"That's not fair. Lead the way," he said, and Seohyun smiled in victory, letting him in.

Though the house looked plain from the outside, it wasn't such inside. It was well decorated, the brown and white reflecting the walls and the floor, and had an overall homey feel. Plus, it was quite spacious. No wonder she had a music room here.

San sat on the table in the kitchen, looking around while Seohyun made two cups of coffee. The refrigerator had fruit magnets with various lists sticking. Grocery, things to do. Doodles. San smiled. It really did look like Seohyun lived here. His eyes fell on her figure as she rocked back and forth, mixing the coffee. Her hair created quite a contrast with her navy blue shirt. The soft grey hair looked fluffy.

Seohyun turned around, catching San staring at her, and he shifted in his seat as Seohyun set the two cups and the cookies. San took one and bit into it.

"Oomph, that's delicious."

"Thank you. I made them."

"No way!" San was genuinely surprised. "I didn't know you liked baking."

"I like making food," Seohyun admitted, sipping the coffee.

"That sounds so mundane now," San laughed.

"What do you think I did at home? Made talismans?" Seohyun scoffed and San almost choked on his coffee.

"You surprise me everyday, Seohyun. We must look quite boring to you," San said.

"Well," Seohyun munched on the cookie, "You aren't boring. None of you are, actually. Why don't you tell me something I don't know about you then?"

"Well," San imitated Seohyun now, "I collect plushies. And I know taekwondo."

"That's... interesting. Taekwondo and plushies. Wow," Seohyun laughed. "Poor Shiber, I guess."

"HEY!" San frowned. "Your turn."

"I didn't realize we were taking turns?" Seohyun raised her brow but thought about it. "My favourite colour is blue."

"Mine's purple," San said. "I hate vegetables."

"Hard not to notice," Seohyun commented, biting into the cookie and thinking. "I want to be a musician."

"Cool. You can compose for us," San smiled and Seohyun smiled back mockingly.

A thought struck her. "Wanna see the music room?"

San raised his brows. "Can I?"

"If you want to?" Seohyun shrugged. "It's okay. That room needs air anyway."

"Alright then," San finished his coffee. Seohyun got up, her heart thumping. She was right. It was about time she opened that room for someone else. About time she let go too.

"Here we are," she said and fished out keys from her pocket (San thought she must carry them everywhere) and opened the room, turning on the light

It was gorgeous, San thought. A piano in the corner, a drum set in the other, couches as they entered, three different guitars hanging by the wall, a violin case resting on the table. The dim white lights made everything seem a bit eerie, but it smelled like roses, and indeed San noticed a scented candle on the table. It felt like a room full of memories.

"I do come in every now and then, but I don't really play anymore." Seohyun looked around.

"Can I see them?" San asked, and Seohyun nodded.

Seohyun watched as San examined the guitars then walked to the piano, running his fingers on the keys and making some sounds, then off to the drum set.

"I'd pay to see you play," he grinned.

"Oh you won't have to. I'll do that for free one day," Seohyun smiled.

"So you don't play anything anymore?"

"Just the violin sometimes. Or drums when I'm angry."

"Can I hear the violin?" San asked and Seohyun looked at him.

"Pretty please?" He made puppy eyes and Seohyun scoffed. "Now how do I reject that?"

Seohyun opened the violin case, saying something about how it's gonna be short. While she tested the strings and the bow, San sat on the piano stool nearby. Seohyun flipped her hair back and inhaled.

And then she played a tune so melodic, a tune so haunting that San wasn't sure if seconds had passed or minutes. He only saw her face, etched with the most emotions he'd seen on a single person. It was as if she was telling him a secret, baring her soul to him, and he just couldn't decipher it.

When she did stop, San felt short of breath. He just stared at her in awe and she came closer, already having put the violin back. "How was it?"

"That was... breathtakingly beautiful. You were amazing," San said and immediately felt like he should have said something more.

But she seemed to understand. "Thank you," she said. She was leaning against the piano. San got up and came closer.

"Thank you, Seohyun," he said, touching the tendrils of hair that fell on her shoulder, "For everything."

"I- I've done nothing," she almost whispered. San locked eyes with her, still playing with her hair, now his thumb caressing the soft skin of her cheek.

Seohyun stared back at the dark orbs, his gaze so sharp that a part of her wanted to run away but the other part wanted to never look away. San blinked once, then slowly, painfully slowly brought his face closer and kissed her cheek lightly, leaving her out of breath.

Thank you for playing for me," San said, "I'll never forget it."

And then he drew back, and Seohyun came out of the trance.

"If you sugar coat it so much I'll never bring you here again," Seohyun was smiling.

"Nah. Now I'll wait for the day you're angry," San winked, pointing at the drums. "I should give pointers to Mingi."

"HEY!"

prev - next

[rattyoakenbitch]

❝𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐡 𝐬𝐚𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠❞ ─ 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐡𝐚𝐦

after all this time, i start asking why i'm staying

were you ever mine?

are we something that's worth saving?

❥ content ; gn reader, eventual fluff, angst, happy ending

❥ warnings ; cursing, themes of cheating

❥ synopsis ; you're will's s/o. when he comes home from work, you can tell he's off. what you didn't expect was him to kick you out.

❥ a/n ; none!

"Will?"

You call out after hearing the front door to your house open and shut. When you don't get a response, you get up from your laying position on the couch and approach the front door.

There, Will stood. His back was turned to you as he hung up his coat, and although you could not see his face, you could immediately tell he was off. Even the energy around him felt dark and tense.

"Oh, hey, hun.." You said anxiously, trying not to set him off in any way.

Will didn't react to your voice. Instead, he backed away from the clothing rack and walked past you, not even bothering to spare you a look. This wasn't the first time Will acted out like this, especially considering he was exhausted all the time from the work Crawford gave him. But he would at least greet you soon as he walked through the door, not flat out treat you as if you didn't exist.

"Will," you sighed dejectedly, more to yourself than to your boyfriend. You quietly followed him upstairs to the master bedroom, where he began to strip off his work clothes, changing into something more comfortable. Still, he ignored your presence. You had to make another move.

You slowly approached him from behind, placing your hands on his shoulders. You were immediately taken back when he forcefully removed himself from your touch and walked away to another corner of the room.

"Will, I just-"

"What?" he scoffed mockingly, "You just want to help?"

"You're my boyfriend, Will, of course I want to!"

He laughed.

"It certainly doesn't help when you breathe down my neck every fucking minute."

Tears pricked in your eyes, Will's vicious tone scaring you. You searched Will's own eyes, trying to find any trace of remorse or regret. He had none. You didn't even know who you were looking at.

"What are you talking about, Will? When you want space, I give you space. When you want love, I give you love! What more do you want from me?"

"I want you to leave."

And then it was quiet for a moment. You both stood there silently, feet away from each other, eyes burning holes into the others.

"..What?" You stared in disbelief. "Wh- What are you saying right now, Will?"

"I want you to leave. I want you gone, Y/N. I don't need you anymore."

"No," you bit your quivering lips, hot tears spilling down your cheeks. Will averted his stare from your crying form, the floor suddenly becoming more interesting.

"No, you're lying. You're just saying that. You can fool everyone else, but you can't fool me."

"I'm sorry, Y/N." Lies. "It's best if you just leave."

You choked on a sob. "What?! Where is this coming from all of a sudden? We were okay just the other day!"

Will remained silent, still not daring to make eye contact with you.

"Is there someone else?"

"I- No, Y/N. I don't owe you an explanation."

"So this is it, then? You're just gonna kick me out?"

"Please, Y/N. Don't make this harder than it already is."

"This is hard for you?! You're not the one getting kicked out!"

Will sighed, somehow managing to remain calm while you screamed at him.

"I'm sorry." And the conversation ended there.

You began to pack your bags. You also phoned a friend, asking them if you could crash for a bit until you had a stable job and a home. You were not about to sleep on the sofa tonight.

You opened and slammed drawers, taking your anger out on furniture as you took your belongings with you. You also did it to spite Will, who attempted to get some sleep. But he did not complain. He continued to act as if you didn't exist.

It made you wonder. Where did it all go wrong? How long has he thought about leaving you? Was there another person?

Will wouldn't answer your questions. At this point, you didn't wanna know.

You were able to finish packing up within an hour. Will was still wide awake during that time, listening closely to the angry banging of furniture, quiet sniffles and shaky inhales as you tried the best you could to keep your composure.

You loaded all your bags into your car, getting ready to head to your friend's place. You went back inside to get a couple more things and look around the house a final time. You stopped by the front door as you were about to leave, your eyes landing on a picture on the windowsill of you and Will. Your already tired, red eyes welled with tears again. You opened up the frame, sliding the picture out and folding it into your pocket. Not like Will would want it in his house anyway.

And so you left.

You didn't say your goodbyes. You just left.

A week had gone by. Will carried on with his job as usual, attended his therapy sessions, but he never once mentioned you. Not a lot of people knew about you and Will's relationship, or what was once a relationship. Since his coworkers already knew so much, or what Will deemed to be enough information about him, he wanted to keep your relationship secret. Not that you minded.

The only person who knew of your relationship was Alana Bloom and Jack Crawford, but even when it ended, he didn't tell them anything. He didn't tell them how guilty he felt the night he kicked you out. He didn't tell them he still had nightmares about you being harmed. He didn't tell them how he was the one harming you in his nightmares. He didn't tell them how empty he felt when you blocked his number and social medias (ok sorry but like little headcanon here?? will has an instagram and it's just pictures of him fishing / or of his dogs fnsmdnskdjsk).

He never told them how he tried not to stay in his house as often, because it reminded him of you.

He was definitely acting strange at work. It was easy to tell. Even Bev pulled him aside to inquire about his health. But he continued to keep his mouth shut, until he couldn't.

Will rushed to the front door when he heard little taps on the metal screen. Secretly, he hoped it would be you. But when he opened it, there stood Alana Bloom. Will always thought Alana was beautiful. But how could anyone disagree?

Her long, dark waves that framed her perfect, slim face were never unchecked and unkempt. Makeup or none, preppy work uniforms or pajamas, she always seemed to look her best.

You even found yourself feeling small and insecure when Will invited her over for you to meet. But he assured you that she could never even compare to you. You believed it.

Alana's thin lips curled up into a soft smile. "Will. Can I come in?"

"Y-Yeah, sure." He let her in and she walked through the front door for the first time in forever.

"Jeez," she chuckled. "How long as it been?"

"Maybe too long," Will simply replied.

Alana walked around the house, scanning every detail while Will patiently trailed behind her. The dogs were playing outside, so it was just the two of them.

"Why did you decide to come over today?"

"I've been worried about you." She turned around to face Will, who stopped a few feet in front of her. "But now that I'm here in your house, I can see why you've been acting off."

"What's your diagnosis, Doctor?" Will joked, an attempt at lightening the tense air.

"Y/N. They left, haven't they?"

There it is.

Technically, Alana wasn't wrong. You did leave, but Will never clarified in what circumstance.

Will looked at the ground.

"Yeah.. Took all the photos too."

"Hey," Alana began, her finger resting under Will's chin, prompting him to look up at her. "You don't have to hide from me."

A week had gone by. A long, lonely, miserable week. You crashed at your friend's for two nights before your parents invited you to live with them while you worked on getting back on your feet. They didn't live too far, so you thanked your friend for their hospitality and moved in with your parents.

As you finished unpacking your stuff, you realized you were missing some things. You cursed at the realization you would probably have to pick up some stuff from Will's.

You still had the key, so you would have no problem getting in, unless he had the lock changed of course. You were only worried about running into him.

What the hell?

You got dressed. You didn't wear anything fancy, but in case you ran into Will, you felt obligated to look presentable and show him that you could still make it without him. You decided on doing a bit of makeup. Again, nothing fancy. Just enough to conceal the dark circles under your eyes and make your features pop.

And then you headed on the dreadful drive to Will's place.

When you got there, you were too nervous and too focused on making the trip quick to even notice Alana's car in his driveway.

However, what did catch your attention, were the many dogs Will owned. They ran up to you as soon as they recognized you. They panted as they jumped and wagged their tails, expressing their happiness the most they could. You tried your best to pet them all, your mouth lifting up into a smile. You didn't realize it but you really missed the dogs.

You dug around for the key in your pocket and pulled it out, quietly unlocking the front door and letting yourself in.

"You don't have the hide from me.."

Your eyebrows furrowed together at the sound of a female voice.

When you walked into the living room, you were horrified to see Will with another woman. Alana.

Their lips were locked, engaging in a passionate kiss, not even noticing your presence. You felt sick as you put the pieces together.

"Now I know why you kicked me out," you whispered, half to yourself and half to Will, who almost about pushed Alana off him at the sound of your voice.

Both their cheeks heated up in embarrassment when their eyes fell on you.

"Y/N! I'm so sorry, I thought-"

"Look, I only came to pick up some stuff. Then I'll be out of your way." You didn't once look away from Will, deciding to totally disregard Alana's presence and apologetic mutters.

With that, you rushed out of the living room and into your bedroom, searching under the bed and in the closet for your missing items.

You heard faint talking from the living room but tuned out most of it, deciding it wasn't worth your time or even your business in the first place. Then you heard the front door shut and a car start from outside.

Before you could process what might've happened, you heard Will's footsteps stop outside the bedroom.

"Y/N, we should talk."

"No, we shouldn't."

"You blocked my number."

"What good would it do if I kept it?"

"Please, hear me out."

Disgruntled, you turned to face Will, sending a cold glare his way.

"Look, unless you found a way to make a time machine and give me back the time I wasted on you, I don't want to speak with you."

"Why won't you just listen to me?!" he snapped.

You scoffed, "Well surprise, douchebag, I have feelings and you hurt them!"

"Well, I'm sorry, alright?" he calmed down now.

"Are you? Really?" You shook your head. "A sorry won't fix this, Will. Not after what you did. Gods- I can't even look at you right now."

You laughed. "You know what fucking sucks? After all you did, after the cheating and the lies, I'm still in love with you."

Will teared up. "I was never with Alana, Y/N. It's always been you."

"Then, why, Will? Why did you throw me out so coldly like that?"

"I began to have dreams, Y/N. Nightmares," Will admitted, his voice beginning to break. "Nightmares about people hurting you. Criminals. It was too real. As much as I loved- As much as I love you, I never wanted you to choose me. I don't want people using you as a weapon against me. To hurt me."

You slowly walked towards Will, stopping a foot away from him. You looked up into his glossy bambi eyes as he spoke.

"It was when the nightmares got worse, when I was the one hurting you, that I realized you weren't safe with me."

You cried. "Oh, Will. I wish you had told me."

"I couldn't. I didn't want you to remember me that way."

You laughed. "Well, I ended up remembering you as the asshole who kicked me out, instead."

Will managed to give you a smile through his tears.

He brought his hand to your shoulder, and gently lead it up your neck to the side of your face, cupping it lightly and brushing his thumb across your cheek.

"I would never hurt you, Y/N."

"I know. I know, Will. You aren't a monster for having nightmares you can't control." You brought your own hand up and placed it against Will's, leaning into his warm touch. "I'm still here. I'm alive. In your hands. And I feel safe with you."

Almost hesitantly, Will leaned in, connecting his lips to yours. His body felt tense, but when you kissed him back, you felt his worries disappear into the air.

He pulled away, resting his forehead against yours.

"Stay with me tonight?"

[jjmaybanksbaby]

Where It Leads (Rafe Cameron)

Summer I

Part 01: Pick Me Up, No Headlights

series masterlist | next part

summary: It’s your first summer in the Outer Banks.

a/n: I'm so so so excited to introduce my new obx series! This whole thing is based off the song Style by Taylor Swift (which I'm sure you've picked up on lol!) This series is going to be about Rafe during HS so Summer I = the summer before 9th grade and so on and so forth. Enjoy!!

word count: 2k

The Outer Banks was a little bit like a fantasy. The way your mom talked about growing up under the North Carolina heat with her fearless twin brother, Austin, the decades-long feud between the Kooks and the Pogues, the endless summers, it all felt like a movie. There was a specific smile that snuck onto her face when she talked about the place. Their parents had moved away from OBX to the mountains while she was still in college and she’d never been back. Last September, her father's health had taken a turn for the worse and he passed away rather unexpectedly. Your uncle had suggested to your grandmother that she should move back to the Outer Banks since she was also so happy there. To the shock of everyone and your Nonna bought a house on Figure Eight, just a street over from the home your mother been raised in, and moved back to NC.

You’d flown into the tiny Outer Banks airport two days after the Fourth of July and, so far the sky had stayed crystal blue the entire week you’ve been there. It had been great to have some time with your grandmother all to yourself. The house on Figure Eight was huge; you definitely understood why she’d asked your mother if she would spare one of her three daughters to keep her company for the summer. Having the echoing house all to herself sounded glum. Your older sister was spending the summer in Italy for a college-writing program and since you know how to weaponize your middle child charm, you talked your mom into sending you to OBX rather easily.  

“Nonna,” you called down, leaning over the balcony at the top of the stairs. “I can’t find my sandals and I don’t have any other shoes to wear to the Club for lunch.” 

Your grandmother walked into the foyer and looked up at you. “y/n you know I can’t understand you when you yell from upstairs.” She turned around and walked back into the kitchen. You sighed under your breath careful that she didn’t hear you since you’d gotten in trouble for doing that yesterday. 

Your mother use to complain about the way that her mom always felt the need to act - and have her children act - so posh during her childhood but those stories seemed so strange to you. Like a Nonna from a past life, not the one you knew. However, it seemed the Outer Banks had reignited her need to act sophisticated all the time. 

You double-check your appearance in the mirror and then resigned to searching the downstairs of the house for your shoes. 

☼☼☼

Nonna was busy making small talk with some of the other ladies at the Club after lunch but you were antsy to get back to the beach while the sun was still at its peak. You had had all the polite smiling and nodding you could take in an afternoon. 

“I’m gonna- ” you pointed in the direction of the Club bathrooms and your Nonna waved her hand dismissively. You turned on your heel and headed away from her and the others. 

You pushed open the door and was surprised at the quietness. You double-checked under all the stalls to make sure no one else was in there before sitting on the counter and resting the back of your head against the mirror. You knew you were probably smudging the glass but you needed a minute from all it. 

It wasn’t that you weren’t totally in love with the Outer Banks. It was just that your mom seemed to leave out the strenuously boring parts of her childhood - the small talk, the lunches, the emphasis on class. Plus, on top of that, it seems your grandfather’s death has rattled your Nonna deeper than she cared to admit and she’d become overly cautious about everything. She was keeping a much tighter leash on you than was really needed, or so you thought. 

The door swung open and you jumped off the counter hoping whoever had just entered didn’t see you sitting atop it. The young girl stopped rummaging in her cross-body bag and glanced look to meet your gaze. She had on a green and white polka-doted dress and her dirty blonde hair spilled over her shoulders. She looked young, maybe 13 or 14 you guessed. 

“Oh. Hi!” She said. 

“Hi,” you responded. She walked over to stand next to you facing the mirror. She pulled a pink lipgloss out of her purse and ran it over her top and bottom lips before recapping it. 

“Hiding out in here?” She asked. She took your moment of hesitation as an answer. “Yeah, me too. It’s by far the best hiding place. Plus my dad can’t come into the ladies' restroom so it buys me a little time.” She laughed, seemingly at the thought of her dad barging into a women’s bathroom. She looked over at you. “Not to pry but I don’t think I’ve seen at the Club before. Just visiting?” 

You nodded. “Yeah, I’m staying with my Nonna, my grandma, for the summer. I got in last week.” 

The girl smiled big. “The Outer Banks is ah-mazing. Sarah Cameron, by the way.” 

Her genuineness brought a smile to your own face. “I’m so happy to meet you, Sarah. I’m y/n. I haven’t gotten to meet a lot of other kids yet.” 

“I’m not really supposed to know this but my brother talks obnoxiously loud on the phone so it’s really not my fault for eavesdropping, but there’s a beach bonfire tonight down at the cove...it’s a Kook party spot.” She clarified after seeing the confusion on my face. “I’m sure he’d be cool with you tagging along.” Sarah reached into her bag and held out her phone. “Put your number in. I’ll pass it along to him.” 

“Thank you so much,” you said, your heart feeling warmed by this girl's kindness. 

“Yeah, of course,” she stepped forward and wrapped you in an unexpected hug before she exited, leaving the door swinging in her wake. 

☼☼☼

Your phone rang with an unknown number that afternoon around five, just after you’d gotten back from the beach. You answered the call and tucked the phone between your ear and shoulder as you finished rinsing off your sandy feet. 

Sarah’s voice filled the speaker. “Hey y/n, so I told Rafe about you and asked about the party. He said he’ll pick you at 10. Okay? Text me your address so I can give it to him.”

“Yeah, yeah. Okay! Umm...one question Sarah. What do I wear to this bonfire?” You asked. 

A friendly laughed echoed through the phone. “Put your bikini under a sweatshirt and some short. You’ll be fine.” 

“Um also one more thing,” You said. 

“Sure!” Sarah replied.

“I think don’t think my Nonna would be too thrilled about me going to this party so could you ask Rafe to turn off the headlights when he get’s here. She sleeps on the first floor and I’m trying not to get caught sneaking out.” 

“Trust me, I know.” You wondered how much 13-year old could possibly know about sneaking out but Sarah was becoming your one friend on the island so you just went with it. 

“Thank you Sarah. I owe you.” 

“I think you’re gonna get along with Rafe great. Okay, talk to you later. Bye y/n!” The phone beeped as Sarah ended the call. You slipped it back into your beach bag and grabbed your towel off the ground, feeling grateful for your new friend. 

☼☼☼

Rafe had shown up at 10:03, a text from another unknown number appeared on your phone announcing his arrival. You'd climbed out of your second-story window and down the attached porch with a surprising amount of ease, only slipping once.

You'd opened the door to the black car and slipped into Rafe’s passenger seat, slight of breath.

Rafe chuckled light. "Hi," he said.

You glanced over, your eyes locking with yours and words escaped you. So Sarah has forgotten to mention her brother was hot. Like the kind of hot girls always giggled about when they passed him in the school hallway. The kind of hot he could probably get away with murder if he just flashed the cops a smile.

That same deadly smile was spreading across his face now. His tongue darted out of his mouth wetting his bottom lip.

"Hi," you squeaked out.

Rafe shifted the car into drive, still refusing to break the eye contact first.

"Should we go?" You asked, your nerves no less unsettled.

Rafe raised his eyebrow conspicuously before turning his head back to focus on the road.

The tension was already killing you and you'd spent less than five minutes together. That was the first moment you realized what Rafe was going to do to your life.

☼☼☼

Your phone pinged as you say around the little bone fire listening to the others talking about the Fourth. You were slowly starting to piece together the names and faces of the other Kooks Rafe had introduced you to.

There was Cole, Milo and Sawyer, who seemed to be Rafe's best friends. Cleo and Riley who welcomed you rather warmly. And Phoebe who had kept her eyes on you all-night in a threatening way that you had tried your best to brush off.

You pulled your phone out of your shorts pocket to see a text from Rafe on the screen.

'Wanna head out?'

You glanced at Rafe to find his eyes already trained at you. You read his text again before nodding your head yes at him.

You turned to Cleo sitting next to you. "It was nice to meet you. I think Rafe and I are gonna go."

"Oh, yeah okay!" She replied. "Wait," she pulled her own phone out of her pocket. "Put your number in. I'll add you to all our group chats. Rafe made it seem like you're gonna be around this summer so you're welcome to hang with us anytime!"

"Yeah, I'm here through August!" You said, smiling at Cleo's offer, taking the phone from her hand.

While you were typing your number into Cleo's phone, Rafe had materialized behind you.

"Thank you so much," you said handing Cleo back her phone.

"Of course!" Cleo replied, her eyes shifting away from your face to look up at Rafe. "Bye Rafe."

"See you later Cleo," he said. "Ready?" He asked looking down at you.

"Hmmhmm," you said before standing up, waving bye to the rest of the group and following Rafe back to his parked car.

"I didn't have anything to drink tonight," Rafe said as you settled into the passenger seat next to him.

"Okay," you replied, thinking back on the night but not remembering Rafe with a solo cup in his hand ever.

"Okay," he repeated back. "I just want to make sure you knew. I wouldn't ever do something that could hurt you."

"Okay," you said again, trying not to read to deep into his comment.

"What you'd think of everyone?" He asked.

"They're nice," you offered. "Different from friends back home."

"Oh, well I hope you'd keep hanging out with me...with us" he paused, quickly correcting himself.

You glanced at Rafe out of the corner of your eye, "Yeah, okay. That sounds good."

"Cool." Rafe said.

His hand on the gear shift twitched, moving the slightest inch closer toward you. You swore you could feel him wanting to grab your hand, to interlaced his fingers with yours but he didn't. His hand stayed in place, his eyes on the road watching as the headlights of the car on the opposite side of the two- lane road grew closer and closer.

Your eyes grew suddenly big with panic and Rafe looked at you with fear written all over his face as you both realized the car was plowing down the wrong side of the street. It was on your side of the road and it was going to hit you.

Rafe frantically spun the wheel trying to avoid the oncoming car but there wasn't enough time.

Your body flew forward on impact before the resistance of the seatbelt caused you to snap back. You felt Rafe’s hand hold onto yours as your eyelids closed and the world faded to black.

[fandom-scatteredthoughtsonpaper]

A birthday fic to correct the awful event Mammon got!

Countdown to Your Special Day

Mammon x Yuki (My MC)

Pronouns: Zie/zir, they/them. If it's easier to read, feel free to sub in they/them for the main pronouns

Tags: Light-hearted romance, fluff/comfort, slight misunderstandings, agender MC, self-indulgent

Words: 4436

[2 months and 1 day away]

-Yuki was curled up in the corner of the couch, concentrated on zir D.D.D. Zie had an open notebook next to zir, the pages filled with calculated numbers and final prices with names of potential websites beside them, some scribbled out and some circled.

-Mammon's birthday was coming up in a couple months, and Yuki had started late in saving money for the surprise zie had wanted to plan for him. He had mentioned it last year as an ideal day, and zie really wanted to make it happen, especially considering all zie did for him was write a bunch of heartfelt letters. Zie wanted to give him something to really experience this time.

-It was just a bit more expensive than zie had realized. Rentals next to a lake were nothing to sneeze at.

-So absorbed with zir phone, Yuki hadn't noticed Lucifer as he entered the library where zie had gone to avoid nosy demons.

-"What are you doing in here, Yuki?"

-Startled, zie dropped zir phone and reflexively covered the notebook. When Yuki realized it was Lucifer, zie relaxed and slumped back against the couch. "Oh, it's just you. Don't scare me like that."

-"That was a bit of a reaction. Are you doing something I should be aware of?"

-"No," was zir immediate response, but then zie reconsidered zir answer. Yuki had been fumbling numbers and trying to make a decision for hours. Zie wanted to do this zirself, but zie'd never done something like this and probably, reluctantly, needed some aid. "Actually, yeah. I need your... help."

-Lucifer blinked, surprised. He hadn't expected this stubborn human who actively tried to make his life harder to ask for help, but Yuki seemed genuine in zir request. "Alright. What is it?"

[1 month and 23 days away]

-Mammon was by the entrance to RAD, waiting for Yuki to come out so they could go home together. Zie had been preoccupied with Lucifer this morning and hadn't left with the younger brothers like usual.

-His day had felt off with Yuki's absence but walking home with zir would make up for it.

-Fiddling around on his D.D.D., checking his sells and ignoring demands from the witches, he occasionally glanced up when saw movement coming out, but it was never Yuki. Hearing familiar voices when the doors cracked open, Mammon took his attention off his phone. It was only Levi and Satan, but maybe Yuki was trailing shortly behind.

-"Mammon, what are you still doing here?"

-"Yeah, I thought you'd be long gone by now after the way you rushed out of the classroom."

-"Shaddup. What's it to ya?" He paused. "I was waitin' for Yuki. Did ya happen to see 'em in there?"

-"So honest. Just say that to begin with," Levi muttered.

-"I think Yuki left earlier with Barbatos."

-"Yep, I overheard Barbatos mention that Lord Diavolo wanted to talk with them about something."

-"What?! Yuki didn't mention anythin' about meetin' with Lord Diavolo to me."

-Satan quirked a bemused eyebrow at Mammon's response. "Why would Yuki need to run it by you about meeting with Lord Diavolo?"

-"LOLOL, it's because Yuki's been avoiding Mammon for a week now. He's been acting like a stray dog without Yuki around."

-Mammon bristled at Levi's comment but didn't rebuttal. He pocketed his phone and walked away from his brothers, darting through the courtyard to leave RAD.

-It was true Yuki had been distant-like the last few of days, but Mammon was sure it was temporary. Even he got tied up in circumstances and important events he couldn't squirm out of. Sometimes it couldn't be helped.

-It wasn't temporary.

[3 weeks and 5 days away]

-"Hey, Yuki--"

-"Sorry, Mammon, I'm running late for my shift. I'll talk to you later!"

-With that as a bye, Yuki was out the door and gone.

-Yuki was usually lackadaisical about any jobs zie took unless one of the brothers worked with zir or if the job required zir full attention. Mammon was usually the first to know if zie had to work, but when--

-"When did Yuki pick up a job?"

-"Jobs," Satan corrected. "Yuki is working at The Fall tonight."

-"The Fall?" Asmo questioned.

"Hold on, what do ya mean 'jobs'? I ain't heard Yuki say anythin' about picking up jobs willingly," Mammon stated, a bit annoyed. He was getting tired of hearing his brothers be more informed about Yuki than he was.

-"When was the last time Yuki actually talked to you, Mammon, that wasn't in passing?" Levi teased without bothering to look up from his game.

-"Hey! We've talked plenty!"

-"Sure, if you want to call those conversations."

-Mammon wanted to argue with Levi, but he really couldn't. He wasn't wrong. Yuki had been absent, and whenever Mammon did manage to talk to zir it was about short and trivial things. It made it hard not to be concerned about the situation of their relationship when Yuki, who was usually glued to his side and spent so much time with him, was suddenly avoiding him. His life had become a bit lonelier without Yuki around.

-"Anyway," Satan interjected, "they've been picking up a lot of shifts from different places the last few weeks. I'm surprised neither you or Asmo knew, considering the network you both have."

-"What the heck does that mean?"

-"It means you're gossiping normies," Levi jeered.

-"Is that s'posed to be an insult?"

-"Besides all that, I'm shocked Yuki picked up shifts at The Fall. I'd love to see the outfit their wearing," Asmo mused. "I'll have to visit them later! I'm sure Yuki will feel completely refreshed after seeing my lovely face."

-Oh, that's right. If Mammon visited Yuki during work hours, zie'd have no choice but to talk with him. He could finally ask zir what the hell has been going on and get an explanation. At the very least just see zir.

-"Well, I'm goin' too! So don't get any funny ideas!"

-"You're not going anywhere, Mammon. You have three extra credit assignments due soon, and you haven't started a single one. Have you?"

-Mammon jumped, frightened by Lucifer's sudden presence behind him. A nervous chill tingled down his spine, so he could only guess the scowl that Lucifer was burning into the back of his head. He tried searching for an excuse, but he was coming up dry.

-Dammit, Lucifer, any time but now!

"W-Well, ya see, dearest big bro--"

-Irritated, Lucifer pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. He could feel a headache creeping on him. "That's what I thought. Mammon, my room. Now. I'm going to watch you finish your assignments, even if it takes all night."

[6 days away]

-Mammon simmered as he walked the hallway to Yuki's bedroom. Yuki had seen his messages, but zie was hardly responding to them, if zie did at all. The thought that he had unconsciously done or said something to offend Yuki teased his anxiety, but Mammon quickly squished it. Zie'd just been busy with work and had no off days, but according to Satan, zie only had one more shift.

-One more day that zie would be busy, but then after that zie'd have tons of free time. Yuki will be back by zir favorite demon's side, and then everything else will fall smoothly back into place.

-It was absurd how empty Mammon could feel with Yuki missing from his daily routines. It was worse than when zie had left, when all he could think about was zir where ever he went. Yuki was here though, so he didn't miss zir physically, not like when zie returned home.

-He missed talking with his human, about anything. He missed expecting to see zir when he turned his head. He was missing a piece of a puzzle, and it was aggravating when it was just in grasp, hiding from him.

-Yuki was going to receive a real earful. He deserved that much of complaining after how he'd been treated.

-That could wait though.

-It had been a while since Mammon and Yuki had gone out on a date, and he had just gotten paid from his latest photoshoot. He was confident if he met with Yuki face-to-face and invited zir out zie wouldn't say no.

-That had been the plan until he saw Yuki coming the down the corridor, walking with a purpose. An antsy feeling stabbed him in the gut.

-"Yuki!"

-Yuki froze mid-stride as Mammon approached zir. "Mammon."

-"Yeah, me! The Great Mammon has decided to bless ya with his presence since ya keep ignorin' my messages. Anyway! Guess who got paid today with a bonus? And guess who's gettin' treated to whatever they feel like tomorrow tonight?"

-"Sorry, Mammon, I can't. I have to go to the human world with Lucifer."

-"What'd'ya mean? I didn't hear nothin' 'bout Lucifer havin' to go to the human world."

"Regardless of what you did or didn't hear, it's true all the same. Yuki and I have an appointment in the human world and won't be back for a couple days. Your plans will have to be postponed for later."

-Why was something always blindsiding him lately?

-"What?! Well, if Yuki's goin', I'm goin' too!"

-"Absolutely not. I don't need you causing havoc when I take my eyes off you for more than a second. Don't worry, though, I'll need your company next week for a special trip to the human world."

-It had been quick, but Mammon had thought he had seen Yuki flicked zir eyes at Lucifer.

-"Mammon, it's just for a couple days. Do your best to tough it out. We'll hang out plenty after, okay?"

"Ya better keep your word."

[The Night Before]

-"Mammon, don't forget you're accompanying me to the human world tomorrow morning," Lucifer announced when everyone had sat down for dinner.

-"Yeah, yeah, I remember," Mammon replied. He wasn't the least bit interested in being ordered around doing paperwork and errands. Catching movement from his peripheral, Mammon noticed Yuki trying to look at him without being obvious. He just got zir back, and they had hardly spent any time together. He didn't want to leave, even if it was just a day. More than anything, he wanted to stay with Yuki. "You should definitely come too. You agree, don't ya, Yuki?"

-Yuki barely had the chance to open zir mouth, let alone formulate an answer, before Lucifer answered instead. "No, Yuki has other affairs to attend tomorrow. It's only a day, Mammon. I'm sure you'll be able to handle it, so don't complain."

-There wasn't any further comments about the trip, but Mammon made it obvious he was still hot under the collar with the way he stomped away, taking Yuki right along with him, when dinner concluded. He had been on cleaning duty with Belphie, but Lucifer offered in his place, quelling any complaints.

-Lucifer smiled amusedly to himself as he cleared the table. If only Mammon was aware enough to know what was planned for the day.

-"I can't believe that jerk," Mammon remarked as he dropped onto Yuki's bed. Yuki rolled zir eyes in response before sitting beside the grumpy demon. "I had plans I wanted to do tomorrow, ya know? Dammit! He just came back from the human world!"

-"Did you actually have plans?" Yuki asked it with a sarcastic tone, but zie was suddenly concerned. It was his birthday tomorrow, so maybe he had made plans that Yuki hadn't accounted for.

-Mammon glared at Yuki, his cheeks a shade darker than a moment prior, either from frustration or embarrassment wasn't certain. "I did," he stated softly.

"With who?"

"You, obviously!"

"Wait, we had plans tomorrow? What di--"

-Before Yuki could finish Mammon yanked zir down next to him, hugging zir tightly. Momentarily surprised, Yuki was slow to return the embrace. Zie expected him to be a bit clingy because zie'd been unavailable to be with him for a while, but this hug felt a bit too tight, desperate.

-"You said we could hang out after y'all returned from the human world, but we ain't had much time without being interrupted or the others butting in."

-"Ah. You're right," Yuki agreed. It's funny how zie had been planning this whole affair for Mammon, but in the process has unintentionally abandoned. Zie regretted that.

-"You're warm," he muttered into zir neck. "..I've missed ya like crazy. I've been dyin' to hug you, but it isn't actually enough now that I am. I'm not lettin' you go for the rest of the night."

-A soft sting of guilt hit Yuki's heart. Zie probably could have done a better job of trying to keep the surprise a secret without leaving Mammon completely in the dark, but between the jobs and helping Diavolo and classes taking up the majority of zir time... No, that wasn't an excuse. Yuki had hurt Mammon. That was obvious.

-Yuki entangled zir legs with Mammon's and reached zir arms around his waist, holding him close. Zie took a moment to just be with Mammon, inhaling his smell, hearing his heart beat. Zie had missed him too, a whole bunch, almost too much, but hopefully tomorrow would make up for the weeks of absence and neglect. "I missed you, too, Mammon. Just put up with it for a little bit longer."

[The Day!]

-"Happy birthday, Mammon!!"

-He had heard Yuki's voice before he had actually seen zir. He was flabbergasted to see zir come out of the cabin he had arrived at.

-When Mammon had woken up and joined the others for breakfast, Yuki had already left. It wasn't long after that Lucifer and he prepared for the trip to the human world. He had dragged his feet and groaned, making a show of not wanting to go. When Lucifer had sent Mammon ahead of him to get things ready, he thought it had been a punishment for his attitude, but after coming through the portal into the human world, he realized it wasn't in the city or anywhere near the hotel they usually stayed at.

-The scenery was beautiful and spacious, open in nature with cabins lining a sparking lake that had docks and piers dividing it. Unlike the city cramped full of people and towering buildings designed with glaring windows that bounced the bright sunlight off of them and funky smells, this area was full of trees that casted cool shadows and a refreshing breeze that rustled the leaves.

-Mammon was absolutely gobsmacked.

-Yuki beamed when zie saw the awestruck trance Mammon was in. Zie was hoping he'd like it. Mammon was definitely a city boy, but Yuki took a guess he enjoyed the lure of natural scenery too, based on their picnic date and walks through the forests.

-Mammon's daze broke when he saw Yuki approaching him. "What's goin' on, Yuki?"

-"C'mon, ya dummy, think! You didn't expect Lucifer to make you go on a business trip on your birthday, did you? It was his way of bringing you up here without being suspicious. Although, I thought you definitely would've caught on last week with what he said."

-He had completely forgotten about his birthday. Mammon had been entirely focused on Yuki and zir strange attitude that he'd spaced on even the date.

-"Oh."

-"Yeah, so," Yuki stepped back and spread zir arms out, displaying the lake on zir right and the cabin on zir left, "happy birthday... again! You mentioned a cabin by a lake as an ideal place to go, and you also wanted to rent a boat in the park, so I thought merging the two together would be a good idea! On top of that, I plan to 'spoil ya rotten all day'. What does the Great Mammon think?"

-"Ya know, I'm not deaf to the mocking tone. You're killin' the mood before it's even started, but I guess I can let it slide!"

[Final Hours]

-As the dimming daylight darkened through the pulled curtains, Yuki and Mammon lounged restfully on the couch. Mammon used Yuki's lap as a pillow as zie stroked zir fingers against his head. The tingling feeling traveled down his spine and relaxed his body. He could probably fall asleep in this position with Yuki brushing his hair with such tender touches. If they were at the House of Lamentation, they wouldn't be able to have this kind of moment without being interrupted by his brothers. Too bad the day was coming to an end.

-Dwelling on the negative thought caused him to unintentionally frown, and Yuki noticed the crease on his brow. Zie poked his forehead to get his attention, and his eyes opened to see Yuki leaning over him.

-"What are you thinking about?"

-"That we'll have to go back to the Devildom tomorrow. How am I s'posed to accept that after today? Today was too good to end like that, ya know?"

-Yuki hummed in agreement. Zie briefly looked away as a thoughtful expression morphed zir features. "Well," zie started, zir eyes focused back on Mammon, "I couldn't afford to stay for more than one night. My birthday is just a few months away, so maybe you could plan something for us, like when you rented the pool."

-Mammon felt a pang of short-lived guilt for complaining. Yuki had worked hard to save enough money to rent this cabin, even with Diavolo hooking zir up months in advance. "I still can't believe ya didn't just tell me. I was actually..."

-"Worried you did something? Sorry, Mammon. I should have said something, but I was nervous that I couldn't keep it a secret. I was too excited to not tell you, but then the jobs piled up and I promised to help Diavolo in exchange for talking the price down with the owner. I shouldn't have ignored you though. I'm sorry."

-There was a lull in their conversation, but it was only a slightly weighted silence. The misunderstandings were cleared up and today was one of the best days Mammon had ever had, spending it alone with Yuki. He would have enjoyed it even if it hadn't been his birthday and with Yuki pampering him all day.

-"C'mere," Mammon said as he placed a warm hand against the back of Yuki's neck, pulling zir down for a kiss. "You're goin' to have to take responsibility for my feelings. You're the reason I was stressin' out. The whole time you were busy workin' your ass off for this trip, I was thinkin' of you. As your first, I'm entitled to know what you're doin'. I'm gonna get my fill of ya tonight before we have to head home. I've got weeks worth to get outta ya."

-Yuki's cheeks heated as Mammon greedily kissed zir lips. Zie silently agreed that zie wanted to get the most out of Mammon while they were still alone, but one night of trying to cram almost a month and a half of time lost wasn't possible.

-"Your lips are warm," Mammon murmured as they separated. "That wasn't nearly enough to satisfy me though. I wanna show ya how much I appreciate you."

-"What, uh, what do you wanna do?"

-"Right now? Nothin'. Bein' with ya like this is enough for the moment. I love you, Yuki."

-An explosion of emotions surged through Yuki's chest to the rest of zir body, making zir giddy with adoration. Zie wasn't sure how zie was containing it, but staring down into Mammon's eyes, seeing his tinted cheeks, and him just relaxing with zir simultaneously fueled zir feelings more while also grounding zir.

-"I love you, too, Mammon."

[aot-snk-4238]

SNK Meta Part 2: Ymir

In my previous post, I talked about my feelings regarding Historia's character this final arc. Now I'm going to talk about Ymir, her relationship with Historia, and my feelings about her send-off.

Was Ymir a good character?

In my eyes, yes. When she was first introduced, it was clear that she had feelings for Historia, making her one of the only canon queer characters in the series (assuming Historia reciprocated those feelings, which I'm pretty sure she did). She also appeared very snarky and cynical, but us readers came to learn later on that there was a much softer, sensitive side to her deep down that Historia would be the first to witness. These revelations, including her backstory, helped flesh out her character in a way that made her very interesting and mysterious for me. I especially loved how sharp and intuitive she was. I'm going to quote the wiki on this part, because I think it does a great job explaining her impressive observant abilities. "Ymir was extremely perceptive and could discern the nature of the people around her with alarming accuracy, such as Historia's martyrdom mentality, Reiner's split personality disorder, and Sasha Blouse's desire to look good in front of her peers by hiding her native accent and developing an extremely formal way of speaking. Due to her experiences and belief in self-pride, she tended to rudely criticize people for being untrue to themselves. Furthermore, Ymir was very reasonable, as she knew what to do during her kidnapping situation and reconsidered her options to accomplish her goals." I also enjoyed her interactions with other characters besides Historia. Take Connie, for example. When he lamented over the possibility of his mother being stuck as a mindless titan, Ymir tried to distract him, albeit not in the most appropriate way (ch. 38).

Connie complained about this behavior later on, but Historia defended her, explaining that she was only trying to stray his thoughts from that traumatic discovery. There were a few more moments between these two that were fun to see as well.

😂😂😂. Ymir's looking at him like, "You ruined it, Connie..."

I love the way she pats him on the head. Knowing how much taller Connie's gotten I don't think she'd be able to do that anymore.

This becomes one of the many times that Connie calls her "ugly" when she's in her titan form. Too bad she couldn't talk very well as a titan or else she probably would have had a smartass remark to throw back at him. It's looking back on scenes like this where I wish we could have gotten more out of these two. You can tell she cared for Connie and I know he also cared in his own way.

We only saw her together with Eren once when Reiner and Bertholdt captured them, but it was very interesting to see their perceptions of each other.

Eren found Ymir to be mysterious and wasn't sure if he could trust her, which isn't surprising considering this was the only time they ever spoke to each other. One detail that he couldn't miss, however, was Ymir's undying determination to protect Historia, a goal they would both come to share later on. Meanwhile, Ymir couldn't trust Eren because she found him to be too reckless and hot-headed.

These were my favorite qualities from Ymir, although to this day I still question the rationality of leaving Historia behind considering the situation she's currently in. Historia herself called her an idiot after reading her goodbye letter. Now that I've covered my reasons for liking Ymir as a character, let's move on to her relationship with Historia.

Ymir and Historia

I've loved these two together since the beginning for their complex and amusing dynamic. On the surface, you had the selfish, confrontational tomboy and the girly, kind and beautiful goddess. But underneath were two young women who were dealt a dirty hand early in their life and lead empty lives as a result until they found each other. Their story arcs throughout the Clash of the Titans arc were beautiful and complimentary, and it's part of the reason why it's actually my favorite story arc in the series. Everything from Ymir seeing through Historia's charade and urging her to live her life with pride to Historia telling Ymir her real name and the two of them fighting side by side in chapter 49 was some of the most empowering moments for me and I will forever cherish those parts of the story.

Ymir's departure

And now the part I've been most excited to talk about! Ymir's glorious, memorable and emotional departure.

Her ending...was not what I expected it to be. She left Historia at the very last second and gave herself away to the enemy because she felt guilty for something that was not her fault. Now as we know, Ymir is selfless at heart and she felt indebted to Reiner and Bertholdt for inadvertently helping her return to her human form after 60 years of wandering the earth as a mindless titan. She also decided that Historia might be safe after all after learning that Eren possessed the coordinate. I understand all of that, but what I don't understand is...well...everything else.

This was Ymir's last real appearance. We see that Ymir has willingly chosen to accompany Reiner and Bertholdt back to Marley to give up her titan powers at the cost of her life. Many people weren't so sure if that was truly the last of her though, because her death was not explicitly confirmed for a long time. We spend the next 33 chapters hoping to get something more, and then this happens...

A glimmer of hope. Finally there's a real chance we'll hear from her again, and it's got a lot of people buzzing with excitement. Sure enough, we finally get to see what's in that letter a few chapters later and are given Ymir's backstory. Here's where the disappointing part comes, though. Ymir makes it clear at the beginning of her letter that she will be dead by the time Historia receives it, meaning that this is the only goodbye they're gonna get. The last time they saw each other, Ymir wasn't even in human form. Instead of a proper goodbye, all we get is a short letter. The anime even tried to fix this by giving us Ymir's backstory earlier, but by doing that, her letter was cut short by a lot. All that was really left was, "Hi babe, sorry I left you like that. Oh well, I'm about to die anyway. Sorry we couldn't get married." And then this happened:

Historia touches Ymir's letter and is suddenly bombarded with visions of Ymir's past, including her chained up and about to be eaten. That is definitely not what happened in the manga and its honestly very confusing to me. How was she able to see all of that just by touching the letter? I get that she has royal blood and was able to access memories when she touched Eren, but Eren is a human who just so happens to possess the founding titan. The letter is just a piece of paper. Also, I'm guessing the last thing Historia saw was Ymir chained up so that there will be no need to bring her up again like Reiner and Porco did in chapter 93. I don't blame the anime team for making that change because I'll be honest, when we saw that one panel of her in her death chamber it felt very out of nowhere and I had a hard time concentrating on the rest of the chapter after that. So here are my main problems with her death:

1. It was off-screen

If I recall correctly, Ymir is the only major character in the series whose death was off-screen. All we got were her final moments, and there wasn't even any dialogue. That part especially bothered me because you can see that Ymir and Porco are looking at each other and Ymir's mouth is slightly open, implying that she's speaking. But what was she saying? You seriously don't mean to tell me that they both just sat there and stared at each other the whole time. She must have had some last words, but for some reason we never got to know what they were. At one point I even thought that Historia and Porco might cross paths at some point and he would be able to give her closure that way but no. No closure, just a last minute goodbye letter and a glimpse of her final moments that I now consider completely useless and unnecessary because we never got more out of it. I mean really, we even got closure and an on-screen death for Marco for crying out loud. Why give him that kind of attention and not Ymir? Not to mention one of the more recent guidebooks. Her character has the diceased sticker and it talks about how she went back to Marley with Reiner and Bert, but that's it. Not even the guidebook makes it clear what happened next. Yeah she died, but did anything else happen before then? That's what I wish we could have gotten more details on like, I don't know....her final words???

2. It was anticlimactic

We didn't get enough focus on Ymir's point of view after leaving Paradis in order for her death to have any kind of lasting emotional impact. As I mentioned above, it just felt out of place and messy. There was nothing memorable about her death either. It was quite simple and boring.

3. It contributed to an ongoing literary issue that has anti-LGBTQ roots

Yep. I'm talking about the infamous Bury Your Gays trope. Now before I go any further, I am not accusing Isayama of being anti-LGBTQ, I'm just shedding some light on something that's been continuously repeated in countless forms of media, not just anime and manga. Truthfully, I hadn't heard about this trope before reading Attack on Titan, but when I did hear about it, it only made Ymir's death even worse for me. I'm not surprised that it exists and I realize that this is a manga where death is inevitable, but keeping both women alive in the end would have certainly been very refreshing. At this point, all I could ask for is that Ymir and Historia get to see each other one last time. Obviously since Ymir is dead it will have to be through other means and I don't care how it's done. It can be in a dream, a vision or through Paths (which I think would work best). Seriously, there's nothing I've been more curious about than how Ymir would react to Hisu's current predicament and what she would say to her. It would just be great for them to have one last conversation face to face because for me, the letter just wasn't enough. Of course I'm hoping for too much, though. We've only got 1-2% of the story remaining, leaving no room for further closure. It's disappointing and frustrating, but no story is perfect. I'm grateful for the content that we did get, but I hope one day I can find a story like this one where the queer characters get to live for once. I'm aware of other shows like Steven Universe, Adventure Time and Yuri on Ice that give them good endings, but those shows are much friendlier towards younger audiences and aren't nearly as dark and grim.

Conclusion

Ymir was a very intriguing character while we had her, but her death was unsatisfactory and only left us with more questions. I am not going to trash Isayama for it, but I will leave this critique here so I can unload all my thoughts for others to read if they wish, or possibly share their own thoughts. We are coming close to the end of the manga, so now would be a great time to reflect on what we read and enjoy what's left of it.

[firstumcschenectady]

“The Fabled Wisdom of Solomon” based on 1 Kings 2:10-12 and 3:3-14

(Image: Lamp of Wisdom, Waterperry Gardens, Oxfordshire, England)

What I wouldn't give for the wisdom of Solomon right now. I've prayed for it already, lack of asking isn't the issue. Life feels like a series of unanswerable questions. “Is this safe?” “Is this wise?” “Is this fair?” “Who does this exclude?” “Whose needs does this meet?” “How do I create balance?” “Whose needs do I prioritize?” “How can I find a middle way?” “How do I manage risk? As a person? As a parent? As a pastor?” “What are the risks of NOT doing the thing?” “How do they compare to the risks of DOING the thing?” “How worried should I be?” “How courageous should I be?”

I'll stop. It's probably unpleasant to hear already, and truthfully those are MOST of the questions, they just repeat a lot. Furthermore, these are variations on the themes of everyone's questions, maybe with a little bit more pressure on those making decisions for others or for groups.

We're nearing 18 months of pandemic based impossible decision making. I'm also nearing 15 months of parent based impossible decision making, which has led to SO MUCH more respect for every other human who parents or offers caregiving. (I already had respect for those things, but my respect has increased exponentially.)

I find myself thinking about presidents who wear the same thing every day, or offload trivial decisions so that they can keep their capacities for the important stuff. I remember articles about how our decision making capacities are finite, and I think about how incredibly overwhelming it has been to be in this “new world” where everything carries risk and every decision is suddenly BIGGER.

And I want to be Solomon. I want to be blessed by God to be wise. I want God to give me “a wise and discerning mind.” I want to know what to do!!!!!!

But even as I say this, I realize that I have projected onto Solomon and on to this blessing from God a supernatural sort of wisdom and discernment. I've read this story and assumed that Solomon always knew what to do, and was always right when he decided. But, I don't actually BELIEVE that. That would be superhuman.

(Also, if that were true, then the kingdom of Solomon likely would have outlasted … say … Solomon because he would have been able to fix the underlying issues and pick a good successor.)

Which means that the Bible has just served as a very good inkblot test for me to realize that in the midst of incredible uncertainty, certainty would be superhuman. (Or dangerous. That's another way this can go.) I yearn to feel good about decisions, but that's not possible right now. I yearn to feel confident as I decide, but that isn't possible right now either. I yearn, truthfully, to pass my authority off to someone wiser, more prepared, better read – but no one knows the struggles and the questions I face quite like I do, so there isn't anyone to pass them to.

John Wesley's “Three Simple Rules”: “First do no harm, then do all the good you can, and stay in love with God” have never seemed so hard to work with!

To keep the challenging more challenging, people judge each other on decisions. I can't remember the last time I had a conversation that didn't involve either 1. someone who had to make hard decisions struggling with what is right OR 2. someone who doesn't have to make the decisions frustrated with those who made them. I hear clergy and bosses worrying over safety procedures, balancing risk tolerance with the will of the body with the needs of the vulnerable. And, at the same time, I hear others complaining on ALL sides.

I'm definitely not Solomon, but I want to offer to all of you some of the models and tools I bring to discernment, under the assumption that we're all bogged down by the weight of all these decisions. Welcome to a pragmatic sermon. ;)

In terms of the pandemic itself, I've been really grateful for an idea I heard put into words in the NY Times in June of 2020.

Manage your exposure budget

Risk is cumulative. Going forward, you’ll need to make trade-offs, choosing activities that are most important to you (like seeing an aging parent) and skipping things that might matter less (an office going-away party). Think about managing virus risk just as you might manage a diet: If you want dessert, eat a little less for dinner.1

During a pandemic, every member of the household should manage their own exposure budget. (Think Weight Watchers points for virus risk.) You spend very few budget points for low-risk choices like a once-a-week grocery trip or exercising outdoors. You spend more budget points when you attend an indoor dinner party, get a haircut or go to the office. You blow your budget completely if you spend time in a crowd.2

This has been super helpful. I often call it the “risk budget.” We all have different risk tolerance, and we have different things we particularly value and need. I hear from many families with kids that day care or school are imperative to someone in the family's well being, and so they do it. But then their risk budget is spent. I hear from others that going to work and being exposed to a whole lot of people is already an over extension of their risk budget, and they fear bringing something home to their kids, so they don't do anything else.

I'm mentioning this right now, because people without kids or other unvaccinated people in their households have had an increase in risk tolerance, and aren't always seeing how carefully others have to manage their risk budget. And, for some in our community that means not coming to worship – even outside, even masked, even distanced – because even that TINY bit of increased exposure is more than the budget can handle.

It isn't really a FUN thing, a risk budget, but it brings a model to something otherwise incredibly overwhelming. Deciding on each individual activity separately is simply too much for any of us, so a budget gives us a guideline on how to make decisions. It also reminds us that we're working with different budgets and different expenditures, and none of us need to judge how someone else makes their decisions.

Not quite the fabled wisdom of Solomon, I'll grant, but a tool nonetheless.

Another simple tool is one I've mentioned before. “Daily examen” is a prayer process. It is quite simple. You center yourself, ask for God's help, review the past 24 hours, identitfy when you felt most alive and connected with love, identity when you felt most disconnected from life and love, thank God for the best the worst and all that's in-between, and either share that information with another person or write it down. It is entirely too easy to zombie our way through life, especially in the surreal pandemic times. But taking the time to be reflective helps us learn about life, ourselves, God, and what we value. It helps us learn what we need to change, and what we actually love about our lives as they are. This is the single best discernment tool I know, although it is most useful for BIG HUGE decisions that can be made over an extended period of time.

My final “simple” tool is one of those deceptive ones. It is simple, in ideas, but it is much harder in practice. It is: trust God to be working in and through you. That is, notice when something feels off-kilter in you, and trust that it is significant and matters. THIS is the most subversive thing I'm saying today. Trust the wisdom of your body as being connected to the wisdom of the Divine, and when a decision brings a dull ache to your gut or any other part of your body STOP and listen. Figure out what emotions fit into that ache. Then, figure out what needs are under that emotion. (Handy-dandy helpful pdf chart here: Feelings/Needs). We KNOW more than we think we do, and God often works with us in subtle and embodied ways. As we learn to trust ourselves, we are learning to trust God-who-is-with-us-and-for-us.

Well friends, it doesn't feel like much, and it DEFINITELY doesn't feel like the fabled wisdom of Solomon, but in the midst of unending difficult decisions, I hope these little tools are gifts for you. May God help us all, as we discern. Amen

1 I'm not convinced diet culture is safe nor healthy, but I left the reference in because I fear it is familiar.

2 Tara Parker-Pope “5 Rules to Live By During a Pandemic” https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/09/well/live/coronavirus-rules-pandemic-infection-prevention.html June 9, 2020.

[thereal-dj215]

I gave social media a break cuz it was really starting to look like a place where mostly everyone came to complain, cry, speculate, assume, showoff, and pretend to be something that we weren't, and I was guilty of it to. So if my 14 year old daughter doesn't even have a Facebook account by choice then I think I can give it a break for a lil. And it's not because she's not allowed to have social media that she doesn't participate. It's because she realized right away what it was, and even worse where it's going. And that's what made me take a real hard, honest look at myself, and what I been doing as far as the negative energy I been putting out into the world. And let me first be clear, I'm not accusing everyone of using social media that way, but let's be honest. I'm just guessing, probably 80% of what we post and see on social media sites is bullshit, lies, propaganda, fiction, and I can go on, but you get what I'm trying to say. That's what we're wasting our time on, instead of using that time to better ourselves, and the world around us. That's what we're filling our heads with, and even worse its what our children are filling their heads with, and we're allowing it, basically telling them that it's okay to believe everything you see on social media. It's okay to treat people the way a lot of people are treated these days on social media sites. I've heard parents try to explain to me their logic behind them thinking "social media isnt that bad for the children", And I'm overreacting, "it's really not that deep" they say to me. I'm just gonna give one example but I've heard worse then this but I heard a parent say "it's doesn't mean anything, or it's ok for lil Johnny to treat someone with evil intent, bully, or make fun of other people on social media because it's only a computer".............. If your jaw isn't already stuck wide open in shock I'll wait a little longer for that comment to sink in..........

Ok, isn't that just the dumbest, most naive thing you ever heard? What's even crazier then that is that a lot of people actually think like this. Their is another human being on another computer, phone, laptop, what ever smart device that is reading that. Someone else's daughter, or son. Please try and think about that. And definitely think about that with even more concer before whatever it is your about to post, share, or comment on because you really can't say how many people possibly are going to see it and we have to be more mindful of that. I'm gonna stop here cuz I can go on for ever on this topic, and all different directions with this. I definitely will continue to post more of my thoughts like this in the days to come. But I'm asking you to do just a couple easy things during these crazy times we ARE ALL going through.. Turn off the news, stop watching/listening to all the Coronavirus hoopla for at least a half hour. I would recommend more time but really this can help even if you do this for a half hour each day.

1st. Go on social media, and scroll down your wall and really try and pay attention to all the different posts, examine everything, the messages, the messengers, the reactions/comments, the language used, the ages of the people of some of the comments that catch your eye. Really pay attention, and do this all with an open mind and being true to yourself.

2nd. Now, ask yourself. And again really try to be honest, because your only fooling yourself in the end.. Is this something that is good for humanity? Should children be allowed to navigate on these social media sites freely and without any kind of proper training (that's a whole topic I'll get into another time), ask yourself is this really something that is helping humanity in a positive way, or is it hurting us?? Seriously, their is no right or wrong answers. This is all a matter of opinion, and who knows, (my ultimate goal) We can learn something from all this if we are true to ourselves, and respectful, and open to others opinions. Another question I almost always find myself asking when I login to my social media, Am I going to finally not see a negative, disrespectful comment or post today, because theirs never been a time when I logged on to social media sites at least for 10 mins and could say, Finally, a day where everyone was nice and respectful today. No one's feelings got hurt, and Everyone told the truth.(another goal I want to achieve).

Now this has always been on my mind. I have a lot of mixed emotions about social media, and let me say this, not everything on social media is negative. It has its moments, but let's be real. Their few and far between. Since this Virus,(I refuse to say the whole word ever again) has lead us to social distance ourselves physically from each other, and the government pretty much stopped and we were forced to stay inside. Here's another one of my wild guesses, I'm It's prolly just easier to say we have increased our social media use a lot more . So I've had a lot more time to really get to know myself, and others as well, and I'm including human beings as a whole in that. I'm guilty of this to. But we really need to take a look at how were acting, what were saying to each other, what were teaching our kids and that means what were letting them think it's okay for them to just log onto a site that you really don't know who's on the other end of one of them mean, disrespectful, or even positive comments aimed to lure them in for all the wrong reasons.

Ok ok I'm rambling.. . I think I heard this on Jerry Springer show ages ago..Lol

My Final Thought: "Be mindful of what we say on the internet, and how we say it. Pay more attention to what our kids are looking at on the net as a whole not just social sites. Let them know not everything, and everyone is truthful on there. But this most of all and why I originally started this post, WE NEED TO BE HONEST AT ALL TIMES TO OTHERS, OUR CHILDREN, but most of all, OURSELVES....

This was started mostly as a form of meditation for myself because writing is one of the few things that relaxes me. Another reason was Im always in protection mode for my daughter. And to take my mind off all the Coronavirus BS, and all while doing that I always hope I'm helping others in some way. Thank You,

D.J.

Feel free, I encourage you to comment, leave your thoughts, and share this with others please. If you wanna help others like I do then please share this, cuz that will help me to continue to write, and better myself and hopefully reach others that don't know certain things and get something from this...

[ae-diaries]

My Life Testimony

Warning: Long post ahead

The content of this blog has me holding a secret I've kept hidden for a long time. I'm a bit hesitant to share my personal story because others (who knew me already) may be shocked or turned off 😅, but hopefully, the thoughts would bless someone and help you face your weaknesses and rise above them. This is a celebration of the greatest miracle I received from God. I never thought that miracle was real, until circumstances proved that it is possible. 

Foremost in my mind is when I was a high school kid. My life was symbolized by the microphone; I’d been exposed to sing in front of a crowd, be it in school or amateur singing contests. It's not to boast but it felt like I was a singing sensation back then, others dubbed me as 'songbird', 'sweet nightingale' to name a few 🤣. But when no one's looking, I felt, for lack of a better description, just off. This was caused by a certain physical condition that tear down my self-image. 

It all began when my mother noticed that I had an uneven shoulders when I was 13 years old. Later on, I was diagnosed with scoliosis measuring a 20-degree curve, and so my doctor from PGH gave me various stretching exercises and required me to wear a brace to prevent the curve from worsening or else surgery awaits me.

I freaked out inside. At the back of my mind, I wondered, “Why me?”. From then on, a hidden scar symbolizes my 'private' life. People might not notice it, but really I was riddled with inferiority complex and lack of self-worth. Nakakaiyak isipin, imagine ako lang bukod tanging estudyante sa private skul na may ganitong klaseng kundisyon. How I pitied myself. Parang ayoko nang lumabas. Hiyang hiya ako. 

I usually cried and pahirapan pa every time my mother would be putting the brace into my body, kabilinbilinan niya wag ko daw aalisin para daw mapabilis paggaling ko, but there was this one time, while I was on my way to school, naisipan kong dumaan muna sa haus ng classmate ko para lang ipatago yung brace ko. And it happened many times. Ang bigat nyang dalhin, di lang sa katawan kundi pati narin sa kalooban. Later on, they found out what I was doing, until wala na silang nagawa sa tigas ng ulo ko. Fortunately, my classmates did not bully me in school; however, I was still very conscious and afraid that my crush would see me like a bionic kid. To this day, I have never told my parents about this reason. You know as a teenager, I was overly sensitive by the opinion of others. And that's all that matters to me. I didn't think of the consequences of this action. 

Fast forward to 2012, sabi nila end of the world na this year (according to Mayan calendar), feeling ko katapusan ko nadin when I went back to the doctor and learned that the deformity progressed to over 50 degrees. Reality finally hit me! A major surgery was needed to correct my S-curved spine. Why I didn't just wear that darn thing? I must admit nagpabaya ako as I was trying to live like a normal kid. At that time, I was already employed in my first job so I filed for a two-month leave. Luckily, my very understanding boss approved it. I also had an amazing orthopedic surgeon, Dr. Teodoro Castro, who explained to me the procedure (though it was as clear as mud to me). He was very reassuring, so I didn't get scared. 

And when he asked, "Kelan mo gusto magpa-opera?," Without a second thought, I replied, "Kahit po bukas na doc!". My thoughts were, "If not now, when pa?"( I felt like I was running out of time.) His eyes bulged upon hearing my immediate response! And so he set the schedule to May 16, 1 p.m (which I spent at Sta. Teresita General Hospital in Quezon City). 

It was exciting, really, though it had 'Final Destination' feels. Andaming 'what ifs', what if di ako maka-survive? Bigla kong naisip talagang 'life is short' at ang dami ko pa palang di nagagawa sa mundong ibabaw such as makapag-serve kay God through joining a spiritual ministry, to travel for a cause, makapag-abroad, makakanta sa tv, makita si Regine & Sarah, magamit license ko to teach students, maigala ang magulang ko, and to have my own family. Sana magawa ko pa ang mga ito after post-op. 

More so, I felt my family's collective fear; I could actually hear the loud beating of my parents' chest when they signed the waiver 🤣. My father had worries that my voice might deteriorate after the operation. Laying in my bed and knowing that I may be that close to dying, I delivered my prayer of surrender to God and remained fearless. The comforting lyrics of 'You made me Stronger' by Kelly Clarkson became my fight song while in the hospital.

Waking up after the operation was the highlight. Being groggy from the anesthesia, I opened my eyes, feeling like it's just a continuation of my short sleep. I saw the nurses and my family - patiently waiting for me to wake up for almost 6 hours na daw. The first thing I asked was, "Tapos na?" (many times). I felt a huge sigh of relief when they uttered the words that struck me to the core, "Oo, tapos na." S*** I couldn't believe my ears; I was flying with joy! For years I have prayed for this miracle. I wanted to shout and do any dance challenge, 🤣 but how could I do that? They were preventing me from talking yet or make any movements because a mask was surrounding my nose and a lot of apparatuses were attached to my body. Later on, I learned that my younger brother cried after seeing me survived the operation. May kadramahan din pala si brother na lagi kong kabangayan 😂. While the success of my operation wouldn't be possible if it weren't for the assistance provided by my father's company, DMCI Corp. That's why I'll always be indebted to their big boss, VAC (May his soul rest in peace).

My healing lasted for almost nine months. I never suffered from complications, just pure torture and regrets na sana di nalang ako nagpa-opera (huhu). This is no exaggeration but dinaig ko pa talaga ang na-cesarean. On the first month after my operation, I became disabled and reached levels of pain I thought never existed in human experience: It was difficult to breath; I could not stand and walk on my own; I became excessively skinny because of drug intake - this was a legal drug prescribed by my doctor which can remove the pain only for 4-6 hrs. It felt so pathetic and frustrating to see myself in front of the mirror. No matter how much I tried to be positive, my insecurities gripped me down again and again to the point of questioning God: "Is there a hope for me?", 

"How come others could breathe and walk so well? During these times, inggit na inggit ako sa mga taong nakakalakad at nakakahinga ng maluwag. Feeling ko life is so unfair. Somewhere deep inside, I believed I was ugly, that He really didn't like me and it was His punishment for all the sins I did in the past. As I poured out my grief before God, a question popped in my head: “Mira, give me reasons why you should remain grateful?.”

“Seriously, how can I be grateful in times like this?.”

But in those agonizing moments, a light of hope from my parents’ eyes illuminates my darkness. 

In all the times that I cried and complained, I never saw them get too tired to feed me or serve me even if it would make them uncomfortable to make me comfortable. I couldn't imagine how they felt when I looked down on myself. Aside from my parents, my siblings, concerned relatives and genuine friends also never left my side. It's as if they became my extra pair of legs when mine refuse to walk. And my heart is full of gratitude today because they have loved me during the times that I didn't love myself. 

I'm living a normal life now as if nothing happened but others observed that except for my angelic voice 🤣, I tend to become forgetful and a little bit of deaf (Yes to this level) - this was probably caused by my extra dose of antibiotics intake 🤣. They noticed that I walk with lightning speed, as if may hinahabol daw ako lagi - maybe subconsciously, this has something to do with my life goals. Yes, I do get tired easier that's why there are some things that I must not do such as lifting heavy objects, sport activities (except for swimming), washing a mountain of clothes 🤣, bawal ma-stress and ma-exposed sa extreme cold places 😅.

As they say, true wisdom is learning from your shortcomings. For everything that I'd been through, I realized that there's a lesson hidden underneath the pain and it was God's way for me to:

(1) strengthen my faith - It was through this difficult times that I also underwent a 'spiritual surgery/enlightenment'. It has helped me find my stride in God and pray like I have never prayed before (for I know nakalimot ako). I didn't know all His plans but surely He was turning my brokenness into greatness. 

(2) love myself, invest in my relationships and create good memories - The whole discernment gave me the courage to keep progressing. I began to accept my imperfections, pick up my self-esteem, and do the things I haven't done before: Much is to be done but so far, I already saw Miss Regine and Sarah in person, traveled to different places, got to teach students in schools, treat my parents - brought  them to concerts and resto; spent midnight snacks and watched movies with my siblings; hang-out with friends; reunited with a long lost friend; restored a broken relationship, and tried to forgive someone;

(3) appreciate the fine details of life - More and more, my wishes become simpler. I realized there is more to life than any material thing could give, and that is getting enough oxygen and optimal healing to every organ in my body. Sobra kong na-appreciate ang buhay ko, especially the air I breathe, and the legs that carry me everywhere.

Eto lang sapat na 'to be happy'. Why did I fail to notice this before? And that's also what I want to ask you, when was the last time you were thankful for the air around you? True to what they say, the best things in life are free, but the problem is we're not contented with what we have and complicate rules to experiencing happiness: “I will be happy only if I’ll be able to upgrade my phone, buy a latest collection of chanel bag, wear a new pair of sketchers shoes..” And I'm so guilty of it because I once was a shoppaholic before that I forgot to remember how 'enough' I truly have.   

As I look back, hagulhol nako sa iyak - there were tears in my eyes, but they were no longer tears of pain but tears of gratitude - thinking how would I survive without the amazing people in my life.

I believe that God wants me to write this article so that I could speak for Him and claim that today, I can go out without any worries because I'm no longer ashamed of the scar life has left me with. It's a blessing in disguise; a sign that I conquered pain and fear. Wala na sigurong pagsubok na di ko kakayanin dahil kinaya ko na yung 'pinakamahirap' because truly, life is about not giving up and trying to fix yourself up after every fall. 

I cannot make the scar disappear but by looking at it, I see a testimony of survival, inner strength and God's miracles. Jesus never said it wouldn't be easy, but He said it would be worth it!  - Matt. 7:13

#secondlife #lifetestimony #embracingmyscar