#but I’m taking the 5.5 hours I have before the exam now to try to relentlessly drill everything

[waugh-bao]

Best of luck tomorrow!! You've got this 💕☺️

Thank you! <3

[loadingluke]

2-7 weeks post stage 2 update!

Hello! Thought it was about time for an update. Time has gone by incredibly quickly. I’ve been pretty preoccupied with life stuff and honestly stage 2 recovery was pretty uneventful once I was out of the hospital and resting. Strap in though, as this is gonna be a long one.I think the best way I can update you all is by doing a rough update of the past few weeks, and then I will talk specifically about the healing of each section.

GENERAL HEALING FROM 2-6 WEEKS

My last update was from 2 weeks post op, so feel free to go back to that if you want some context. Following that update, I had my first appointment at the continence clinic for my first void trial! I got to the clinic at 7:30am, and this was located at Greenslopes. Goossen came in and had a bit of a look and took my urethral catheter out- he said there wasn’t any resistance which was a good sign. I was then taken to the waiting room area and given some water...and then it was time to wait.

The room itself was quite nice, there were a huge selection of recliners and some TVs, and nurses who were offering food and coffee while I waited. I had my 2L bottle of water and just started chugging. Once I felt the urge to pee I went to the bathroom, and on a table was a selection of bottles all labelled with peoples names. I located my own and then had my first attempt and it went well! I was expecting it to hurt or be uncomfortable, but it didn’t hurt very much at all, possibly because I was so well hydrated. I then went to the consulting room and had an ultrasound on my bladder to see whether or not I completely emptied my bladder. The nurses then measured how much I peed to see if it was all normal. All was looking good so I was sent back into the waiting room for another 2 attempts before I’d be cleared to leave. The other two attempts went off without a hitch and so I was sent off back home, with my SPC being switched to a flip flow instead of a bag. From now on, I will be solely voiding from my penis, but if there is any issue like a stricture or for whatever reason I can’t pee, I have the SPC as a backup option.

The rest of this week was pretty uneventful. The only issue I noticed post urethral catheter removal was that the next few days I had a few issues with bladder spasms, but it passed pretty quick and wasn’t an issue again as long as I took my ditropan. I was oozing less and less, eventually to the point where I only needed 2 pieces of gauze on my scrotum and no more giant pads, and the best part...normal underwear instead of the hospital ones I’d been wearing for 2 weeks 🥰. I just chilled at home, drinking my water and peeing when I needed to- and thankfully there were no issues. I didn’t need to use the SPC at all, and now that it wasn’t being used and I was back to normal underwear it was actually not too bothersome. My family returned to Hong Kong and so I didn’t do too much besides waiting for my next appointment so I could go home. At this point, I was pretty much off pain meds besides random instances of pain or if I overdid it.

On Tuesday I had the SPC removed. This was also at the continence clinic at 7:30am. The nurses started to remove it but found that it wasn’t coming out. They were trying to be very gentle and unfortunately it wasn’t budging. They decided they would wait until Goossen came in to do it. In typical fashion, he removed it in 2 seconds with a few solid tugs. Luckily for me, it was so quick that I didn’t really have time to register what was happening and that it hurt before it was all over, lol. My drainage hole was dressed and I was told to contact him or the hospital if I had any issues. He stressed that I am not to be catheterised by my urethra unless it is done via camera and by someone with experience, and if not to just get an SPC, or, in case of emergencies, a large needle through my spc scar to aspirate urine if I can’t be catheterised. After shuddering at the thought of that I was all set to go and I was cleared to go back to Melbourne the next day.

My flight home was fine. I was a lot more mobile this time around compared to how I was post stage 1, and although I was taking it easy travelling didn’t completely wipe me like it did last time. I had some panadol just to manage my pain during the trip, but I don’t think I really needed it. I was feeling pretty back to normal now at 4 weeks post op, and boy was I glad to be home. I spent a few days relaxing, and then started back into GAMSAT study which took up the majority of my time.

The GAMSAT was last week, I was 6 weeks post op. For those unfamiliar, it is an exam you need to take to apply for most postgraduate medicine programs and consists of 3 sections that total about 5.5 hours. It’s a mammoth of a day for anyone, let alone someone who had a 6 hour surgery not even 2 months prior. I was feeling pretty back to normal luckily, and I think it went okay…but I’ll find out in November. I applied for accommodations before surgery as I was unsure how I’d be feeling post op, and so I was allowed to bring some pain meds in just in case, as well as a pillow to sit on. Apparently this was a strange request as when I entered the room the lady went “Oh! You’re the pillow man!” lol. I was actually seated in a separate section to the other people sitting the exam due to my accommodations, which was nice as it meant the whole process was smoother and there was less waiting around which I think was good for my body as I was getting a little sore towards the end. I’m just glad it’s all over now!That is about it for my general update, now I’m going to go specifically into how the different wounds/sections travelled and how I managed the healing. I have my next post op in mid October, so I’ll do another update then. I have a date booked for stage 3 for early next year, but at the moment it isn’t confirmed so I’ll find out at my post op if we are all good to go ahead then, so fingers crossed 🤞

GLANS

At this point, I would say my glans is fully healed. I am very happy with the shape and how it looks, it looks better than I could imagine. The scar underneath the corona looks just like a circumcision scar, which has made me feel a lot better about the general look of my penis. So far it hasn’t flattened, but I am going to keep an eye on it. As for the progression of healing, it changed quite a bit. For the first week and a half it was pretty uneventful, and I just had combine dressings on it to keep everything in place. Eventually the glans started to bleed and ooze quite a bit and so I was having to change it more frequently, so I started using gauze on my glans, wrapping it around the incisions and taping it in place. I would change this every day, and use saline-soaked gauze on the wound for about 15 minutes every morning before redressing it to keep it clean as per Goossen’s recommendation. It was pretty sloughy and gross for about 3 weeks, but started settling around the 4 week mark. Eventually I didn’t need gauze anymore and it looked pretty much healed. I occasionally use a little bit of fixomul on the glans, two strips on either side to hold it back so it heals raised, but I stopped doing that as I didn’t really like having to take it off and at this point it doesn’t look necessary. I had a little area that took a little longer to heal, and that formed a bit of a scab. I just left it be and eventually it fell off. This has left s little divot in my glans, but it’s pretty subtle and not really noticeable. I’m super super happy with how it all looks, aesthetically it looks better than I could have dreamed!

SCROTUM AND VAGINECTOMY SITE

I’ll start with my vaginectomy site, which has honestly been the easiest part of recovery. I’ve had no issues at all with the healing of this, it all healed well and all the stitches dissolved no problem. The amount of relief this has given has been huge for me, knowing it’s gone makes me feel so much more at peace. Nothing really to say though as it was pretty uneventful and healed as well as one could hope, with no complications or issues.

My scrotum has taken its time to heal, and this has been the longest process of the whole surgery. Because of the shape of the wound, it’s very hard to actually manage, as you can’t really stick things in place or anything. I had quite a bit of ooze coming from a small hole behind my scrotum, which I just used some gauze on and changed when needed. I also had some ooze coming from the seam line where my scrotum joins in the middle, which I also used gauze for. I would salt bath both wounds for 15-20 minutes a day after my shower and I definitely think that helped. By week 5 most of the ooze was gone, and I felt a lot more comfortable. The hole behind my scrotum is now completely gone, and the seamline looks normal.

The look of my scrotum isn’t pretty, and honestly it looks a little strange without any implants. It’s kinda shrivelled and deflated, but I know implants will improve its look significantly. The right side is quite a bit larger than the left, as the left had some tissue removed in stage 1, but over time this has settled and it looks a lot more even now. I think it’s important to mention this because there is very minimal info regarding the actual scrotoplasty aspect of phallo.

Right after surgery, the scrotum was looking pretty small and Goossen was concerned about me potentially needing tissue expanders to create enough room to accommodate the implant and pump- but since healing I think it has actually descended rather than retracted as we expected. The scrotum looks quite a bit larger now since I last saw him, and I think shouldn’t pose an issue for implants, but I’m not a surgeon so we shall see in October. I’m crossing my fingers that we will be okay to go ahead with stage 3 as planned, as if I need another op before stage 3 it would throw out my timing quite significantly...so we shall see. If it needs to be done it needs to be done, but I’m hoping that it will be fine to proceed without them.

URINATION

The part I was most concerned about of this whole surgery experience was no doubt my urethral lengthening- as this is where most complications typically stem from. I have been super lucky, and haven’t had any issues from the day I could stand to pee. Having the catheter was irritating, but it was so worth it for this result. I am so much more comfortable now and because of this, I’m drinking so much more water! I used to avoid drinking so I wouldn’t have to go to the bathroom because having to think about what I had in my pants stressed me out. Now that that’s not an issue I’m so hydrated. It’s great. I’m still stressing that something is going to go wrong, but there is no reason to. My stream is super strong and nice and straight and hasn’t changed at all. I don’t feel pain or irritation which is good, but the fear is still there and probably will still be there until I’m further down the line.

The sensation of peeing is weird. I can feel it in my natal urethra, and then it going through the bend where the new urethra and my natal urethra join, and then nothing. Because of this, it took a long time for me to not feel like I was just going to pee on the floor as it feels like it is exiting where it used to. I also was quite paranoid I was leaking because of this, even though I had no fistula or any reason to be stressed about it. This took a few weeks to get used to but wasn’t really something I saw discussed pre op. I can feel the urine through my urethra when I hold my penis as it makes it feel stiffer which is super cool.

My number one tip for if you’re having a catheter or just in general for this stage is to drink. Drink as much as you can and then drink more- it helped with the bladder spasms, it helped with the pain and with a catheter especially it’s important to keep things dilute. I had my 2L bottle with me that I took everywhere and I made sure to drink at least that entire thing every day and it made a huge difference, as once I forgot and the bladder pains and stinging was a lot worse. Drinking so much water during my recovery really got me into the habit and I’m really glad about it as it was definitely something I didn’t do as much as I should, and I feel better for it.

I had a bit of issue with post void dripping for a  few weeks, and I combatted this by using a bit of gauze or toilet paper on the end of my penis to catch any remaining drips.  I noticed this improved heaps at 5 weeks post op, as a lot of the swelling went down and it is easier to milk the urethra. I haven't had any issues with dripping since then really, which is good as it was getting kind of frustrating.

MISCELLANEOUS

My incision from where the full thickness graft was taken for my glansplasty is healing well. Pretty uneventful. I put fixomul on it when I can be bothered, but due to its location it doesn’t seem to stretch much anyway and so this may be overkill. My SPC site is closed over, but at this stage is still kinda scabby. I’m just letting it be, it’ll heal in time. Pics of both are attached.

Since stage 2 I’ve noticed an increase in hair growth on my penis, probably due to the increased blood flow to the area. Although it’s a lot better since my electrolysis, this is still super disappointing. Part of me wants to wait until after stage 3 to continue with it as I’m not too keen to put all the time and money into it just to have it all grow back again. For the time being I’m just trimming it and I’ll make more of a decision later.

As I’ve mentioned, I had burial of my original genitals this stage- and since this sexually I feel a lot more comfortable. I am able to tell where it is located at the base of my penis, but honestly I don’t need to find it as just using my penis is enough. I haven’t lost the ability to orgasm, nothing really feels different in terms of the feeling compared to pre burial, just that now I’m not super dysphoric after. That’s all I’ll say about that as it’s pretty personal, but we are all good in that department lol.

Emotionally I feel great, being able to stand to pee has been huge for my dysphoria and I feel awesome about it. I’ve used urinals without issue, and it’s so nice not stressing about an STP failing or there not being any stalls. I also feel a lot more comfortable now that the vaginectomy is done as I still had a lot of dysphoria relating to those parts, so it feels like a weight has been lifted off me. As much as the first few days were awful, recovery for this stage has been a lot less stressful and I’ve been able to bounce back pretty quickly. I’m looking forward to my final stage and for this chapter to be over. As always, let me know if you have any questions, my inbox is always open as well if you want to ask something privately. Hope the past few weeks have been treating you all well!

[actuarystudies]

Since I’m going into my third year, I’ve learnt a lot about studying, university, and anything to go with it. Here are some tips I’ve learned along the way.

BOOKS

Don’t buy your books from the bookstore (unless you need the online code to go with the textbook). Some professors are totally cool with old editions, if that’s the case, try buying that because it saves a lot of money. Make sure that if you need the textbook code (some profs have online assignments through the textbooks software), you buy it. Best places to buy books are through Amazon, your cities buy & sell, and some universities have things like a Facebook group for textbook buy and sell! A lot of my friends and I will share books if they’ve already been in a class.

Don’t buy your textbooks before the first class. Sometimes what the university’s website says is “mandatory” is not. The first class, the teacher usually addresses this.

Check out your university library. If you want a head start, take the book out from them.

STUDYING

Switch up your location. School is much more independent now, so you’ll be studying more than in high school. Changing locations helps make studying a bit more fun. I love studying at the university libraries now.

Calculate the amount studied, per class, per day. I almost always need my laptop while studying, so I have a stopwatch open and an excel doc where I keep this saved. This way I keep track of which classes I give more attention to, and how much I’ve studied before a quiz/test/exam. It also helped me find out the maximum time I can study in a day.

Plan out how each week will usually look like. This includes how much time you’ll be in which class, when you’ll be at work, commuting times (if you don’t live on campus), and when you plan to study. Usually I plan to study 1-3 hours in the evening (not including breaks) on days I have classes, but if I don’t have class, then I expect a good 4-5.5 hours of studying.

Finding your note taking method. The first month I would come home and re-copy all my notes, but that took up way too much of my time. I suggest before school starts, try a few possible methods out. Some people just come in with a notebook and copy, I prefer printing the slides and adding additional notes if needed, but some like to do this on a tablet or a computer. Whatever you choose is up to you.

Study even if the course load seems low. Even if the first month of school seems “chill” and like there’s nothing to do, go out and study! Do *not* fall in the trap that so many students fall into. After the first class, plan the semester. Get ahead, because it’s easy to fall behind.

ORGANIZATION & HELPFUL RESOURCES

Keep some type of planner. I know bullet journals are loved on here, but they may not be for everyone. Keeping a planner helps me what I have to study that day, but also for the week and the month.

Have a list of all assignments, quizzes, exams, or anything you’ll be tested on throughout the semester. The profs job isn’t to remind you when there’s a test. But having a compiled list of everything that’s “due” for you that term *really* helps you out.

Websites & apps that should become your bestie. For writing, use a combination of the Hemingway app, and Grammarly. For decluttering, or sharing information, use CamScanner, Google Drive/Dropbox to hold all the papers you might need once the semester is over. After each semester, try moving all the files, assignments, and papers onto a Dropbox to avoid clutter and not crowd your laptop. Chances you won’t need the papers are high, but in some cases it’s handy.

Don’t ever be scared of office hours. It’s your prof’s time to help you. If you can’t make the time, email them your question or ask to meet with them at another time. This is a super helpful opportunity!

FIRST FEW DAYS

Tour the campus & get your student card while your at it. Before school starts, I suggest you go by yourself and “tour” the campus. Find out where all your classes and how to get to them. Also find out where some of the libraries are near your classes if you want to get some studying in for a break. Try getting your student card before school starts if you can.

Read over the syllabus beforehand. Ask the teacher any questions on the first day if needed. Also plan your semester as soon as you get this. 

Meet someone in each of your classes. People for the most part are really nice! Get their phone number too so you can text them if your late or miss a class.

Set up your school email (& any other resources to communicate with your professors) and test it. This is super handy, and you'll need to use it all semester anyways. 

WHAT TO BUY

A laptop & a backpack. 

Have a pencil case, fill it with: an eraser, 2 pencils(& lead if they’re mechanical), 2 pens, and correction tape. You’ll need this for exams so even if you’re going electronic, you gotta have this.

Having an agenda and some notebooks are always handy. Even though I keep a bullet journal, it’s easier for me to leave that at home some days and use a planner.

WELLBEING

Self-care. Have a little note to self of some self care things. Do one thing whenever your stressed and need it.

Keep active. The freshmen 15 is real! It’s much easier not gaining weight than trying to loose it later. Being in university is sedentary, so try making fitness something you do at least 2-3 times a week. More often than not universities will have a gym membership included in your tuition. But other low cost options include running, cycling, at home workouts, yoga, etc.

Make sure you have adequate sleep. 8 hours isn’t always possible, but you need 6 hours to function properly. I found my best school results happened when I went to bed at 9:30pm and woke up at 5:30am.

Try making your food as much as possible. Even if it’s just a sandwich. Buying takeout is expensive and unhealthy. Easy options for meals include: smoothie & smoothie bowls, oatmeal, Buddha bowls, sandwiches/wraps, pasta, etc.

I try making meditation a habit. I love the app Insight Timer (its free), but I know others like Calm, and Headspace as well. There’s also a ton on YouTube. Sleep meditations can help you get to sleep a little earlier too.

Try being on technology less. I know it’s tempting, but you’ll be on it a lot for school, your brain needs a bit of a break.

I hope this helped! Good luck at your first year, and if you need anything, send me an ask or message me. ✨

[miphastudies]

17 Questions for 17 People

Thanks @its-bianca​ for tagging me in this! Sorry it’s taken so long, we’re in a third lockdown and I’m pretty sure my body thinks that time no longer exists.

Nicknames: Kim, Kimbo, Kimberlim, Kimothy, Kimberley Dibberley (For some reason my family thought that a nickname based off Cat’s other personality from Red Dwarf, Dwayne Dibberley, was funny and it’s stuck with me my whole life), as well as KIIII (shouted by my sister when she was about 2 and couldn’t pronounce my name, my best friend now yells it when she wants my attention) and Kim-Kim by my Dad who refuses to believe I’ve grown up (beats Kimberley Dibberley any day) 

Height: 5'9 - towering over most men is fun, I suggest it to all of you, I’d rather round it up to six foot, but I probs stopped growing at 20.

Hogwarts House: Well I got Gryffindor when I first went on that site, but being my goth self I had to take the test again until I got Slytherin - as far as I remember I had unicorn hair (or horn?) or something of the like in my wand but I’m not gonna fuel JK’s anti-trans pockets by visiting Pottermore ever again. 

Last thing I googled: The soundtrack for Futurama’s Luck of the Fryrish episode, I knew Simple Minds were on it but I could’ve sworn Baker Street by Gerry Rafferty was on it, but apparently not. I spent a good half hour trying to sing it into google with their new song-analysis thing to no avail, so I ended up siphoning through all the songs Lisa Simpson has ever played on her Sax to find out what it was (I should be doing my dissertation proposal but my tutors haven’t got back to me yet so what can ye do).

Song stuck in my head: yknow wha I’m just gonna list the songs that have been stuck in my head so far today because it’s too many to be just one as I keep cycling through them (also gonna link them so you can see how garbo weird my music taste is)

Run - Joji Alive - Pearl Jam Clinging On For Life - The Hoosiers Tension - Avenged Sevenfold  Boots of Spanish Leather - Bob Dylan Nutshell - Alice in Chains Jaded - Aerosmith  The Sea of Tragic Beasts - Fit For an Autopsy 

I’ll add my current favourite at the bottom too for good measure (Honestly I spend way too much time listening to music and I regret nothing)

Number of followers: Currently 85. I’ve got about 2k on my main blog but I’ve not touched that since July 2017.

Amount of sleep: Good lord, so I aim for 8 hours, sometimes I only get 5.5 or something along those lines, other times I depression nap during the day and can’t sleep at all, sometimes (like this morning) I’ll go to get up at a normal person time such as 9am when my body naturally wakes me up, but it’s so dark and gloomy outside and cold in my room that I just stay in bed and end up accidentally falling back asleep. 12pm gang rise up xo 

Lucky number: 7

Dream Job: Hopefully I get somewhat successful in monetising my hobbies, I’m working on it all atm (I don’t know why but I really hate telling people about my plans because I’m deathly afraid they’ll mock me or do whatever they can to ensure it doesn’t happen, I’ve got this list of things I need to do for my own mental health sellotaped to my laptop stand that had things like when to clean the house, do my laundry, shower, exercise etc, and my old flatmate/friend saw it the other week and mocked me, so I haven’t followed it since and need to find some sort of other way of organising my life instead). But yeah, hopefully hobby based, I don’t want to be stuck in an office job all my life, and I want to leave the UK (although I don’t want to leave my family) so hopefully I’ll be successful enough to bring em all with me.

Wearing: Well I was gonna wear jeans and my Unus Annus longsleeve but I decided to go full kitchen witch and wear this black milkmaid looking dress with long sleeves that I’d bought for work when I got my thigh tattoo started (all the old men appreciated the legs but I didn’t make any more tips, oops)

Favourite song: My favourite song of all time would be The Verve’s Bittersweet Symphony , the band formed at my college, has great meaning and has resonated with me since I first saw the music video after it was played at my Stepdad’s funeral in 2002. Weirdly enough on my last day of college, right after my last exam, I went to get the bus home - put my Spotify on shuffle (bearing in mind I’ve got 805 songs on this playlist) and this came on straight away. That’s probably not important to most people, but being pagan, I like to think that small things like these are signs from loved ones that have since passed. Not too happy that it’s used as the England Rugby theme because it gives me anxiety every time as though I feel like everyone hearing it doesn’t have the same emotional connection with the song as I do, but idk. I saw Richard Ashcroft live and he played this and I legit bawled my eyes out in public, safe to say I’ll try and hold it in next time. I suggest you all have a listen to the song or even watch the music video for it, it’s the most simple but most meaningful music video to me. 

Favourite Instrument: I’m left handed and I had this Yamaha acoustic guitar that my stepdad gave me - and taught me to play when I was about 5, a few months before he died (it’s still weird to me that I had no idea he had cancer at that point and instead spent his last few months teaching me his favourite hobbies) all he had was right handed guitars, so he taught me to play Metallica’s Nothing Else Matters upside down on this 20 odd year old right handed acoustic. He hadn’t played upside down himself before but did it so I could see what he was doing. I remember sitting in our green living room on the couch with him moving my hands to the right position (I don’t know where my mum was in this scenario, probably in the kitchen). He’d brought this guitar with him the first day I met him, it was probably like 11pm but I was 4 and thought it was 3am or something, but I heard voices coming from the living room and had gone to investigate - there sat my mum and my stepdad having Chinese on the living room floor, laughing together, my stepdad saw me and had brought sweets for me and my brother for when we woke up, but he beckoned me over, gave me a lollipop, stuck a two litre bottle of tizer in front of me and told me to dip the lollipop in the drink and lick it (not a good idea as I would’ve been bouncing off the walls, but I think I must’ve had a sugar crash and fallen asleep). My mum had no idea he was coming as he’d sneakily been texting her, asking what her favourite drink was, her favourite food and flowers etc, after they met in a pub when my mum was at a hostel with my brother after my Dad had taken me. My mum told him that the council had given her a place and he decided to show up and surprise her with all her favourite things and play guitar for her after my brother and I had gone to bed, I don’t remember much time passing before we’d moved into his house (where my mum and her new husband live to this day), but they got married a few months later and I still can’t play that Metallica song (I did try to teach myself more of it though). I also had this black left handed Ibanez prestige that my Dad got me for Christmas about 9 years ago, I could play quite a lot on it but eventually just stopped. Very good at piano though. 

Aesthetic: I’m not sure what this entails but I’m a sucker for neon/RGB/cityscapes and that type of malarkey. Also space. Love da space.  Also whatever Cornwall would be considered as. Cottagecore? I think that’s only an animal crossing related aesthetic but I’m claiming it nonetheless. 

Favourite Author: I’m a big goth so it has to be Stephen King by default. I’ve got copious first editions of his books from the 70′s and 80′s that my Mum bought when she was a teen. At my flat I’ve got Carrie, Christine, Salem’s Lot, Misery and The Shining first editions and the others are in my room at my Mum’s house. I don’t tend to read for joy like I used to, or write for fun either but I’m hoping I do more in 2021. Currently reading The Outsider by King, it sounds eerily familiar to a novel I wrote for coursework in college in 2014 and I’m half pressed to think he’s stole my brain ideas. I’m watching you Stephen. Always watching. Always. 

Favourite animal sounds: I don’t have favourite sounds, but my husky Nanook is my favourite animal because he’s dumb and I love him. Also Kookaburra sounds are terrifying and you all should go listen to what a koala sounds like. When I go to Adelaide (hopefully this year, if not next) I am NOT stepping foot in a nature reserve unless I’ve got an anti-kookaburra noise suit on. They obviously don’t exist so I’m gonna have to make one.

Random: I’m part of a viking reenactment group where they use actual swords and fight each other, and we have to basically sign our lives away when we join, to say that if we die, it’s not the groups fault. I don’t actually do the fighting though, I’m part of the villager group, so I do all the crafting and food making and most of the teaching when we do shows. I’ve not yet been to a show as I’ve had uni to go to, but my parents, sister and brother do - They stayed within Whitby Abbey last year during the Viking festival where everyone did the show and the adults got drunk round campfires in the castle grounds. Zacky Vengeance once complimented my shirt if that’s something. I’m also colourblind, got glared at by Liam Gallagher in the Liverpool Echo Arena parking lot and have too accurate a sense of smell.

Sorry this was so long, obviously I felt like word-dumping and my brain has a lot to say as I find too much meaning in these things.  Thanks again for tagging me! I’ve not got 17 people to tag as I don’t interact with anyone at the moment but I’ll come back to this and add people as the week progresses :) 

[multibetkenya]

BREAKING!!! HOW TO MAKE MONEY FROM FIXED MATCHES

The day all sports betting enthusiasts have been yearning for is finally here. Anyone who has ever placed a bet in any field in the vast sports world must have come across the highly sought after fixed match package. You were probably getting nowhere with you low stake placements that kept on failing and found yourself surfing the internet for a fixed match package that would skyrocket your winnings, right? Look no further as we have finally cracked the enigma code and are ready to serve you with various tips on how to make a bucket load of cash using the highly sought after fixed match market. Brace yourselves; your journey to a million shillings a week is underway. Below are the steps you need to take to land yourself fixed match surebets and you’ll be on your way to bankrupting ‘Muindi.’

This could be you…

BECOME A REFEREE

Fancy your hand at refereeing? As part of becoming a Ref, we have outlined the clear pathway from grassroots to the top of the game in officiating.

Step one

Those interested need to complete The FA Referees Course with your local County FA (must be 14 or over) to become a Level 7 ref (14/15-year-olds become Youth Referee).

Step two

You can then apply for promotion through Level 7, 6, 5 and 4. These involve training, law of game exams and observations at a handful of your matches. It is important that you try your hardest not to fix your matches at this level as it could greatly affect your chances of landing you full badges. If you must, strictly stick to minor elements of the game such as number of corners but you’ll need to have your assistant referees in the loop as well.

In terms of timescale, you must typically spend a minimum of one season at each level through 7-4, but if you are excelling, a conversation can be had with your County FA to see if you are appropriate for promotion between level 6 and 4. At this point you are on the very cusp of landing a proper match to fix so just keep your head down and keep your assistants close by as you’ll need them later on.

Step three

Once at Level 4, and also through levels 3, 2B and 2A, your promotion is dependent on a merit table produced by club and observer marks. Promotion from 2A to the English Football League and beyond, also includes an interview. I’m sure you already know how to conduct yourself during interviews, remember to show respect as it’s a big thing in the refereeing world.

The final promotion is to the International List, at this point you will land your first proper match. Now, make sure your assistant referees are the same ones who climbed up the ladder with you. It is at this point that you can award dubious penalties, grant over 12.5 corners per game and send anyone that compromises the chances of you landing a winning slip off. It doesn’t matter what he does, the slightest contact or over celebration should warrant a straight red card.

Most importantly, place your bets using a friend’s account; we wouldn’t want the FA cup snooping around our accounts now would we? Lastly, ensure the friend I just mentioned above isn’t the kind that would run away with your winnings.

BECOME A PRO SOCCER PLAYER

If the refereeing path seems long and tedious, this is the next best thing and also leads to landing the coveted fixed match.

Step 1: Have a Burning Motivation

If you want to become a professional soccer player for the money or fame, then stick to playing for fun. You need to have the sort of drive and passion where playing at a top level matters more to you than getting paid top money. To have the sort of grit and determination to get through all the stresses, downs and pressures of playing professionally, you need to have a true love for the game or you’ll just end up being very unhappy.

Lucky for us, making fixed matches and all the millions of shillings that come along with it is all the motivation we need.

Step 2: Train 10,000 Hours

Recent studies have found that the key to success in any field is practicing a specific task for a total of around 10,000 hours. Therefore, a player must train and/or play football for at least 10,000 hours before reaching ‘world class’ status. That’s around 3 hours a day, 20 hours a week for 10 years.

I know it’s a lot of work but just visualize all the millions you’ll make once you start playing pro and fixing matches. Think of that Porsche Cayenne S Turbo or that house on the hill with the infinity pool plus the trip to Santorini that you know you deserve.

Now toil away and keep your eyes on the prize.

Step 3: Create a Killer Video

A promo video of yourself these days in the modern age of high-speed internet and YouTube is essential to getting as much interest as possible. If you have a good video that makes it easy for people to assess your skills, it’s easier to get opportunities with teams. As the agent who discovered Messi, Josep Maria Minguella said: “I only discovered Leo Messi through video”. Get family or friends to film you training and playing and make sure the video quality is excellent. The aim is to go viral and for that to happen you may have to edit the video a little bit to capture you in the best light.

Do something remarkable in the video and scouts will take notice. Ensure that you consult at least one social media influencer in your country to help in spreading the word. For example, if in Kenya, it would be wise to look up the likes of Huddah to help sell your brand.

So there you have it, the first steps towards becoming the professional football (soccer) player you dreamed yourself of becoming. Good luck on the journey!

Once you make it to the top, it’s all smooth sailing. Score twice and take off your jersey twice if you placed a bet that would need you to get carded off. Start a fight if you needed at least two sending offs, let easy goals in if you’re a keeper if your bet was in the over 2.5 goals category. Pretty simple stuff, right?

JOIN A FOOTBALL ASSOCIATION

If the 1st two methods seem like too much work for you, worry not, there’s one other way which could also empower you with the ability to generate fixed matches and rake in millions. Join any football association and climb your way up the ladder.

If you’re thinking global and long term, the UEFA should be your be all end all goal. The beauty of joining such an organization is that you get access to lots of markets from Azerbaijan to Northern Ireland! Once you’re in a position of influence, all you have to do is hold the lower leagues and their respective associations ransom.

For example, you could tell the Kazakhstan Football Association to throw some matches or you will pull some funding and Im almost certain they’d agree. They badly need the money to keep their leagues afloat which gives you the upper hand.

If you’re wondering how you could land a job at the UEFA, just visit their website and click on the careers section. They are a non-discriminatory association which means the odds are in your favor already. We wish you the best of luck.

BUY A FOOTBALL CLUB

Ok this seems like a bit of a stretch but hey, they say it takes money to make money. The beauty is that when it comes to this particular route, you don’t have to take it alone. Remember that Chama you formed 4 -5 years ago? Money has been piling up and since all the investement ideas have been crappy so far, it’s just been earning interest. Brian was suggesting you start building flats but I think buying a local club would be the better investment. Bear with me for just a moment as I walk you through how using that money to make an offer to Sofapaka could be the best deal you’ve ever made.

The beauty about a fixed match is that you know the outcome way before the teams are even out on the field and this will result in some really juicy odds. Now picture this, you’ve just bought sofapaka and they are set to play against Thika United on Saturday. Place a bet on your team conceding over 5.5 goals. This would give you odds ranging from 15 to 23 odds. Now stake really high, im talking about as high as the bookies will let you. You could even place multiple bets across all the bookies form Sportpesa to Betika. Assure the players that they will each get bonuses once the day is done. Now just seat back and just let the good times roll.

By the time the season is done, you should be rubbing shoulders with Chandaria and CK over some 30 year old bottle of scotch with Dangote just a table away from you.

Now, if all the above tactics seem rather unrealistic, you still have the time and tested option of sticking to placing your bets based on thoroughly researched matches as opposed to misusing your Chama money on fixed matches.

At Multibet Kenya, the matches provided have a 70-80% chance of winning. When it comes to football, guaranteeing 100% win is the sort of language only con-men use when they are planning on how to bleed you dry. There are a lot of unpredictable occurrences when it comes to a football match: the marquee player may get sent off in the 1st minutes, he may get injured, own goals occur, goalkeeping errors to mention but a few. Hence, I’d highly advise you to steer clear from anyone selling you 100% fixed match unless he owns the club, plays for the club, is a member of the football association in question or he/she is set to referee the match on offer.

Click here to see all the packages on offer, at Multibet Kenya, 100% is NOT guaranteed but you will land a winning slip more often than not.

As always, remember to bet responsibly and have some fun.

King Kong

[itsjayyyy]

November 3, 2018 6:54 pm

Yeah it’s been a hot minute since I last updated. and of course I’m going to write a ton, but not nearly as much as what has passed.

So yesterday (friday), before I went to class I checked the weather app to decide which jacket to wear, and saw that it was going to rain around 3pm. I only had one class, so I figured I’d go to it, then stay at the library for a while, get a mango smoothie, and see if I can get some homework done. Like, three hours into sitting there, I had still done close to no homework, rather listened to kris wu’s new album (can you believe the nerve of that guy? He really released his album on the same day as exo, and you can tell that shit was intentional like he wanted to overshadow them (and he sure did, even posted a pic of the itunes charts where his album was #1 while exo’s was #4) lmao petty af) I also started to listen to all of my music in my itunes library, starting with most played and going down. I haven’t even made a dent btw, I have like, some odd 5 whole days of music to go through. Around 4 I figured I should get heading home, so that I don’t have to face the worst of rush hour traffic. Of course, just as I’m stepping out of the library, rose texted me saying it was pouring on the west side. The clouds on campus looked troublesome, but I figured it wouldn’t be too bad.

It was. I stopped by a gas station, and as I got there it started raining. Honestly, on the drive home, the rain wasn’t my biggest problem (I’ve driven in pouring rain so often that I don’t care about getting wet any more), it was the wind. It seriously almost knocked my bike clean over. And it didn’t help that the rain impacted my engine and made it struggle to speed up properly. I really thought I might have gotten into an accident, it was that bad. But as you can see by me typing this, I’m just fine. I took a hot shower, ate dinner, then receded back to my room as always. I brought with me a cup of instant coffee (seriously, cafe bustelo instant coffee is leagues better than regular drip coffee, like what the hell.) and started a kdrama that yoongi recommended called stranger. The dramafever app has been giving me issues recently, so I decided to watch it on my laptop. But when I went to the website, it displayed a message saying they shut down like two weeks ago. Sure shows how little I use that subscription that I didn’t even notice lmao. Luckily the show was also on netflix, so I watched it there. 

I didn’t even consider that maybe I shouldn’t drink coffee before bed, until like 12:30 am. I tried to go to bed around 10:30, but just couldn’t sleep no matter what. At first I thought it was because of small noises like mom doing the dishes or pulling a chair out (and it was irritating the living hell out of me- i wanted to go out there and scream that I was trying to sleep and they needed to stop making noise), but then I remembered the coffee, and how the same thing happened a few months ago. I took some cold medicine to help knock myself out, and set a second alarm just in case.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t that hard for me to wake up despite getting like 5.5 hours of sleep (I mean I did sleep in for an additional 30 mins after the first alarm, but I didn’t feel like I was dying). I left for work 15 minutes early, just in case my bike gave me any issues. I was on cash at work (UGH), which was made even worse now that we don’t get to go to MIMO. I was literally in front of a register for 7.5 hours, when usually it only used to be like 6, with the trip to MIMO accounted for (and the closing cashiers taking over). I was nonstop leaving to go to the bathroom to make up for it, though. 

It’s unbelievable, the lengths to which rose will put other people above me. She mentioned that she was going to go out to the mall to buy a gift for peter’s birthday, and I asked if I could come along because peter’s my bro too and I wanted to get him a gift. But she pulled the whole “uh yeah, you can come if you want” and i was like. if you don’t want me to come, just say so. and she was like “oh you know it was just gonna be like, me and peter and I don’t want to go inviting people by myself” as if she hasn’t invited peter and paul into our hangout times before (matter of fact, there was one time when it was literally just supposed to be me and rose and she dragged peter along, peter and I began to argue, AND SHE SAID SHE DIDN”T WANT TO GET INVOLVED AND SPENT THE REST OF THE AFTERNOON HANGING WITH HIM. but hey whatever, fuck jay right?) and also as if they were hanging out as friends and not with the purpose of buying peter a gift. She also mentioned how paul was planning to finesse something (also huge pet peeve: paul needs to stop calling it “finessing,” just say you fucking stole it.) I mentioned how I seriously didn’t want to move in with paul. Like, rose peter and I all have responsibilities and bills to pay, meanwhile paul still gets spoon fed by his parents. Do I really want to risk my housing and credit score by signing a lease with some kid who hasn’t paid rent his entire life? Hell no. And yeah, the fact that he has no conscience and openly steals is a huge issue for me. Rose tried to brush it off but I kept pushing it, saying that it was a deal breaker for me. She said that “we’ve been planning to move in together for a really long time” and i’m fucking livid. Who is “we”???? Her, peter, and paul???? As if her, me and GIO didn’t plan on moving in together last year? Why does paul get precedence over me when rose and I have been planning to move out together for over a year before she even met him??? Whatever, I’m looking at clara’s lease ending soon, she said she’s looking for roommates. 

I know I’ve probably said this a million times, but I hate family dinners. It’s just so damn obvious that they all want me dead. I always get the least amount of food, nobody talks to me, and nobody cares when I leave halfway through. I spilled my glass trying to put in ice, but didn’t bother to wipe it up. I just really don’t care, it’s not like I’m at the table long enough for it to bother me anyways.

Alright now I’m gonna really quickly hop over to the last update to see what I left off at. So the first thing I feel like I want to talk about (I think it’ll be better if I go from one topic to another, rather than try to do it chronologically) is heather. So I don’t remember if I wrote about this (and I’m not gonna read all my updates to find out), but one time on a friday heather and I made plans to meet up at the library. I texted her that day asking if we could instead meet at the student union (needed to stop by the atm to get rent money), and she didn’t reply (it said “delivered though). I got a call from my boss asking if I could come in early, and I was like yea sure since by then heather hadn’t even opened my message and it was about 30 mins from her next class. I walked through the breezeway, and as I walked I saw her, walking with someone else (prob a classmate) and talking, just hanging out. I dipped into the bathroom so she wouldn’t see me. She later texted me (one minute before her next class started) saying “sorry, my phone died and I just now got this message.” I guess she didn’t know that iphones tell you if the message was delivered to the other person’s phone. yeah, it does kind of hurt, that she bailed on me. it feels like I’m a second option, and if given the chance, she’d hang with other people. Since then, we met up like, once in the last month. In the last two weeks or so, I haven’t seen her at all. She just keeps saying “sorry, I’m too busy now” or “sorry, I didn’t see your message.” I asked if I could borrow her textbook for the gov exam, and she said she had a problem with the rental company and had to temporarily return it. I got a 74 on the exam, by the way. I figure maybe I just shouldn’t message her any more; if she wants to hang with me she’ll message me first.

Speaking of friends, I posted a pic on ig the other day. It’s a far away shot of me that rose took, sitting in the corner of a cafe. The caption was just “let’s get this (bread emoji)” ya know, just a dumb phrase. Anjlie liked it, and I was like... why. I looked at her profile (I unfollowed her long ago so I haven’t kept up with her feed) and she’s changed from 2014 low-saturation tumblr aesthetic to wannabe ig famous aesthetic. Also, she’s tagged this one girl in a lot of her captions. I can tell they’re friends, but it looks like the other girl doesn’t tag her back in nearly as much of her photos. Anjlie was always kind of socially anxious, it seems like she’s made one (1) friend in college that she’s completely attached herself to.

So, my motorcycle. Yeah, I changed the air filter, but it didn’t really affect it. Then I changed the spark plugs (also have to do with gas combustion), didn’t really see an improvement either (but MAN you should see these spark plugs, they’re entirely rust). I figured maybe it’s because the gas tube has a u-shaped curve in it, maybe it’s having trouble lifting the gas back up. So I changed it, and the next day when I walked back to my bike the gas had drained nearly completely onto the ground via a leak that I couldn’t find for the life of me. When I first walked up to my bike I saw some guy standing around kind of suspiciously and got worried, but then when I saw the leak he was like “is this your bike? I was calling parking services because I was concerned about the leak.” I ended up leaving my bike there for nearly a week (and took the city bus to school instead, since obvs I couldn’t drive) before I could get a tow truck called. i knew it was the carbureator by this point due to additional research, and I tried to fix it myself right there in the parking lot, but one of the screws was stripped so I took it to the mechanic and told him there was a leak because of the carbureator. one day when I took an uber home from work, I slammed my thumb in the car door and it bled so fucking bad. I cried like a bitch. It felt like I was nancy kerrigan, because my bike was going to be repaired soon but I couldn’t drive it because nail. But the bike got “fixed,” in which the mechanic said that the issue was the gas filter which was kind of weak. I was like yea I replaced the gas filter myself, but I used the same kind as before so that’s not the issue. and of course the leak didn’t go away. So I brought the bike back and was like “there’s a problem in the carbureator. please clean and rebuild it. don’t try to diagnose anything because I’ve told you before that the issue is the carbureator and you won’t listen.” he held onto the bike for a week and said “it’s the accelerator pump.” i told him to also clean the fucking carb and he finally did (for $267). I told iris and nick how I wanted to just buy a new bike and they were all “oh no that’s too expensive” as if I haven’t spent over $800 in repairs the last two months. And I didn’t even ask for advice from those people, anyways. 

I did call in, for like all of my remaining usf shifts. I’m now officially ioa exclusive, as a result of my incessant bitching about how much I hate usf. And I got cross trained as a cook at cinnabon!!!!! I’ve done a shit job so far tho, I always underestimate the number of buns needed and then end up running out. Tomorrow I have a shift at cinnabon tho, so I can finally redeem myself. Next week I’m scheduled for tuesday and friday too, so I guess my availability didn’t get 100% approved. It’s okay though, one more month until the semester is over and I can change my availability again to weekends only for real for real this time. I’m also going to take up delivering for postmates. they allow motorcycles, so between classes and in the evening I’m gonna deliver. they say you can make on average 10-15 an hour, which is pretty decent considering I’m mostly going to be driving. And even though they don’t reimburse you gas money, I get 80 mpg so I think I’m good. The other day was my enrollment appointment for spring. I already had a schedule ready, just needed to press submit. but then rose was like “oh can you pls pick up peter he doesn’t have a car” and it made me 13 minutes late and all the classes I chose were full. So I had to pick a new schedule, where the first class is at 7:30 am and the last class gets out at 7:15 pm. With like, a 4-hour gap in the middle. Kill me.

I don’t think I have many other topics to cover. I submitted my second paper in english, and next week I submit the last. I bought new toothpaste the other day. still looking to move out (but now, planning to wait till like january). still depressed as shit. but hey, let’s just play it by ear.

[endowarrior877]

Introducing me and my Endometriosis.

Greetings! I'm going to spend a little time today telling you a bit about me. This is the second attempt at writing this after I didn't like the first copy so I scrapped it and started again, hopefully I can get off to a better start this time. After I read this back I thought some readers might find some parts upsetting and hard to read. This isn't an overly happy story. I do apologize as always if I upset or offend any more. It's never my intention.

So my name is Charlie and I'm 28 years old. I was born in Bradford, England but I've lived in Scotland most of my life until moving to Holland, 6 months ago. I'm the eldest of 5 and have 2 younger sisters and two even younger brothers. I didn't have the childhood I would have liked and after the abuse from my mother took its toll I ran away at the young age of 15 and never really looked back. It was the hardest but best decision I've ever made. I had no idea how to handle life but it was better than the mental and physical abuse I suffered at home. I haven't had contact with my mum for at least 6 years now and I'm totally happy with that.

The one person I am most closest to is my dear gran, my mums mum. I love her to pieces and I miss that I'm not close enough to go round and help her with things and just spend time with her. We speak on the phone regularly but I normally leave each call sad because she is old and alone and I can't be there for her. She isn't well with a number of health issues so in an ideal world I would take care of her but that isn't possible. She's understanding about my disease and gets upset when I tell her I'm in pain. I try to not tell her what's really going on back here because she will worry and I don't want that for her.

I started my period when I was 13. Right from the first one Ive always experienced really painful cramping and heavy bleeding. This would be the start of things to come. I didn't look forward to that time of the month. I continued on with life having super heavy killer periods that seemed to last for well over a week and a half sometimes. On occasions the cramps, sickness and bowel issues would be so bad I would have to miss school, college and social events. I never really went to the doctors as I just thought this was typical of being a woman plus it only really happened around my period and then I'd be okay. Using over the counter medication, the bath or hot water bottle I'd manage my pain at home and get through my period and things would go back to normal for a bit.

I fell pregnant at 18 and I suffered badly with hyperemisis which is when you experience sickness all day, unable to keep food and fluids down and you loose 5%+ of your body weight. I lost a lot of weight and was continually sick for all of my pregnancy. I was admitted into hospital for days having to get IV drips and anti sickness meds on a few occasions. I also suffered extremely bad cramps, it was a pretty miserable time, but me and hubby stayed positive and made it through a natural delivery which only lasted 4 hours.

The cramps I felt back then are the same as what I feel now on a daily basis. It is the same pain. I know endometriosis is meant to go away when you're pregnant but it didn't for me. I am one of the small number of people where it doesn't get better. I still didn't know what endometriosis even was at the time or that something was wrong with me so wasn't able to recognize the pain like I can now.

During my first pregnancy I would also notice the first, still here to this day, bowel symptoms. My apologies because it's kinda gross but, well I noticed my stools were covered in mucus. And loads of it too, sometimes that's all I'd pass. I know so gross. I'm sorry!! This can also be a symptom of IBS and this has always been put down to this, though after doing lots of research I don't agree that it's IBS causing it. I do however believe it is to do with me having endometriosis in my bowel. My bowel movements also changed and I wasn't digesting food which creeped me out! It was going in whole and coming out the same way. What the hell?!! Still I didn't really have any pain that overly concerned me but i was worried about passing big balls of mucus. That didn't sound too healthy.

I've always followed a relatively good diet for a while now and I cook most things from scratch. I also love baking and my favorite thing to make, pies! When I noticed the change in my bowels I tweaked my diet again to make it a bit more healthier. I was still noticing the same things happening and would think about it constantly spending countless hours worrying, thinking about what was causing this. It freaked me out and I didn't feel normal. In fact I felt like a freak. When my eldest was about 3 I started getting my first signs of pain when I opened my bowels. It actually felt like I'd gone in to labour. I started sweating loads, it was dripping of my head. What was happening? The pain didn't last any longer than 5 mins, then I was completely fine. A little shaken up but okay.

This happened just before my period. It happened again the following month but lasting a bit longer. The pain was intense. I couldn't understand what could be causing it. I wasn't constipated in fact more the opposite so it couldn't have been that. It kept happening and getting worse and would last longer each time. On one occasion i ran a bath and got in to see if that could ease the pain as it had lasted about 20mins. I got in and the pain gradually settled. I would now run a bath at the same time as moving my bowels and then jump in the bath of the pain was at a crazy level uncontrollable level. This had a massive impact on everyday life because if that happened anywhere but home I was screwed. I also had to drop everything because i had to deal with my pain before I did anything else.

When it started happening at least once a week I went to my GP. I still remember the meeting and I can remember what I told her. I explained that when I opened my bowels I would experience the most excruciating period cramps. I didn't know what I was describing but I'd accurately explained my symptoms which are the same endometriosis in the bowels. Of course not thinking it was anything sinister it was suggested that this was probably irritable bowel syndrome. She talked to me about IBS, gave me some leaflets said to change a few things in my diet. I went away feeling hopeful and read everything.

I would spend the next 6 years back and forth complaining of the same thing being told I had various bowel problems. I tried every bowel/stomach medication because it was thought I had at one point chrons disease, a range of food intolerances, trapped wind, bowel obstruction, perforated bowel, constipation, colitis, IBS, reflux acid, tummy spasms, bowel spasms and IBD. All while the amount of mucus I'm seeing is getting worse and no one can tell me why and the pain is increasing at a crazy rate taking over my life.

At the time my bowel movements were building up to their worst I had the pleasure of having 2 rectal exams to see if they could find anything from with my bowels after no meds worked. Nothing was found for the first one, but the second would find a tiny lump which concerned my doctor. He arranged a sigmoidoscopy have it checked. A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant and the little lump the GP felt was actually my cervix and not a potential cancerous lump. I was over the moon, I'd wanted baby #2 for a while now and the lump was just the makings of teeny so it was brilliant news. It was decided that I would still have the sigmoidoscopy so that went ahead put would only be done on a smaller section of my bowel. He found that I had a torturous colon, slight inflammation and internal hemorrhoids. Other than that there was nothing there. The mystery went unsolved.

Even though it was a really amazing time that I was pregnant and I was buzzing for the 3 of us to be 4, it kind of came at a bad time in terms of my chronic illness because all my symptoms were instantly dismissed as pregnancy symptoms. I vomited around 70+ times a day, every day. My weight at the start of that pregnancy was at 8.5 stone and then dropped to 5.5 stone at around 6.5 months pregnant. I felt sick 24/7 and was in the worst imaginable pain just as much. There were even talks of a feeding tube being introduced because I couldn't keep anything down. I was tested for so many things as my obstetrics specialist didn't believe it was hyperemisis causing all of this alone and made other investigations and she wasn't completely wrong, she just had her own thoughts about what was wrong with me. Some tests included looking for stomach bugs and various viruses and chrons but everything came back negative. No one could fix me or that's how it felt.

Towards the end of my pregnancy I was put on a high dose of steroids because it was suggested again that I had chrons disease. They didn't originally want to do this as I was pregnant at the time but I was so ill the docs were trying anything and everything now. They didn't help. The dose increased again and again. Another upsetting failure. Why didn't anything work? I was pregnant and I was on a lot of medication to try and help with my sickness and pain but everything failed. There was a possibility the meds i was taking would have an effect of teeny so I hated myself for having to take all these chemicals. I hated life and was very depressed and withdrawn at times. I was so sick it literally nearly killed me and teeny. She was born at 7 months by emergency c section. She spent a further 6 weeks in hospital before we finally got to take her home and enjoy her. She is perfectly healthy and although took a few days to adjust to her new surroundings after that she just flourished. I am a very proud mammy to both girls.

When I was pregnant I was also misdiagnosed as being anorexic and crazy. I was informed about the possibility of me just being 'crazy' but I had no idea about being diagnosed with anorexia. I wasn't any of those things just a very sick woman who was in a lot of pain, trying to grow a human inside, emotionally distraught from all of the pain and sicknesses. This is something that will always hurt. I thought after teeny was here the pains would go just like the sickness but that didn't happen. The pain stayed and got increasingly worse. Thankfully the sickness was gone shortly after she was delivered.

The bath was the only thing that really helped ease my pain when it was really bad, I'd sit there until the pain stopped. I'd asked so many times for pain relief but always been refused. I didn't really care what I was given I just wanted the pain to stop. I think the fact some doctors thought that this was in my head made them feel very reluctant to give me anything. And you know as frustrating as it is there were just doing their job. I suffered as a consequence but it wasn't their actual intention. I did however try nerve blocking meds, anti acid meds, anti reflux meds, meds to help digestion, laxatives, anti bowel spasm med, meds to help if it really was my mind conjuring the pain up and various hormones. None of which really helped. Getting no further with the docs and pain relief, I had no choice but to use the bath to stop my flares. That eventually turned into my literally living in a constantly running hot bath and boy does that cost a lot of money. It wasn't ideal and living in the bath and being a mother of 2 is impossible to do within the confines of a bath. I couldn't do anything because I was stuck in the darn hot bath. It's also wrecked my back as a result.

We even spent one Christmas opening presents in the bathroom because I was in too much pain and I had to get a bath for most of the morning. I didn't want to keep the eldest waiting any longer so we did Christmas morning from the bathroom. Everyone was happy apart from me. But even though we were all piled in a small bathroom, we were all together so that's all that mattered.

The doctors that didn't think it was all in my head still thought it could still be a bowel problem, although I wasn't sure now because all tests came back negative and all the meds they tried had failed. I was offered a colonoscopy to test for chrons this time. The test came back negative and I was heart broken. What the hell was wrong with me? Why was I experiencing so much intense cramping now on and off my period and more so when I opened my bowels? Why was I passing huge balls of mucus that felt like I was going into labour over and over again? What was it if it's wasn't chrons? Was it maybe in my head after all? Was I going crazy? All these questions played on my head every minute of the day.

Life continued and I was in the bath one day after a flare doing some more research into Chrons disease. I knew the disease inside out but I didn't have all the symptoms listed and also had some that weren't mentioned. This always concerned me. I was reading a forum and someone had commented about being misdiagnosed with Chrons. They actually had endometriosis. I was curious and typed it in google and started to read about it. Holy cow! There were ALL my symptoms. Not one was missing either way. It was so weird, could this be what was wrong? I showed this to hubby and he thought it sounded promising. I went to speak to my GP about it. It was a locum doctor who I didn't know and who didn't know me. I was so nervous going into the appointment.

The appointment actually went okay and I was put on some more birth control to see it this helped my symptoms. She didn't say I had it but didn't say I didn't. I was to try these pills and if the pain went away then bingo it was endometriosis. I'd taken them in the past so didn't need much info about them and went on my way. It didn't really take much of the pain away but stopped my periods which was nice. I didn't like the side effects and suffered bad migraines. I went back and saw another doctor who told me that I'd been given wrong medication that didn't treat endometriosis and to try Provera. I let my body get used to another new drug. This was okay, it helped a little and eased my symptoms. Bowel moments were still hell though and I was still cramping in between but it was not as painful and i was getting less baths. After a few weeks I started to get terrible sore legs and it was sore to walk. I thought it was to do with the new meds and was told I could take half the dose if I was experiencing unwanted side effects. I did just that but that made the cramps worse and my legs were still sore. I went back to see the GP. They must have been so sick of me. I was sick of going up there at least once a week.

I'd been back and forth so many times that I was eventually referred to the gyne team at my local hospital. They knew me from my last pregnancy and didn't think I had endometriosis. In fact the doctor i saw made it very clear that because I had a c section not that long ago they would have found any endometriosis at the time and because nothing was found it meant nothing was there. She also said that even if I had a laparoscopy and it came back positive for endometriosis, the treatment would be the same so to just go ahead and start that now. It's seemed a little conflicting but she put me on a course of amitriptyline. I didn't enjoy that and was so tired all the time and still suffered just as much pain. After increasing the doses as per instructed by the gyne doc I stopped taking them because I was turning into zombie and they weren't doing anything for my pain.

A previous MRI I had done on my bowels to check for bowel issues was pulled up and looked at for endometriosis, but she couldn't see any endometriosis on it. I still persisted that my pains were so bad I was unable to do normal daily tasks and it had got to the point hubby had to leave work to take care of me and the kids. She referred me to an endometriosis specialist which was good because I was getting somewhere.

My appointment came around for the specialist and for the first time I felt listened to and he said I probably did have endometriosis but surgery would be the only way to confirm. It was so nice to just have a proper, no shit conversation with him. I liked him. There were a few things to discus but one thing that was mentioned was that I'd be booked in for a laparoscopic procedure to see if I did in actual fact have endometriosis. This would be done 12 weeks from that appointment so it felt like things were moving fast which was great because i needed answers to find solutions. If I'm being honest I think I was offered the lap so fast because of all the complaining and trips to the GP. I was relentless because I was experiencing so much pain. I'd lost so much weight from not being able to eat and being sick and my mental health was not great as a result of everything. I'd spent 6 years thinking I had something wrong with my bowels when all along it was something that I didn't even I know about. I'd been labeled crazy and even questioned my own mind at times so I wanted to know answers so pushed for them. I was happy I was going to surgery but wasn't sure what was going to happen.

The date for my laparoscopy came around and I had my pre op just before and it couldn't come quick enough, the pain was mind blowing. It ate away all my happiness and positivity. I hated the world and everyone because they were okay and i lived in the bath going from one pain episode to the next, unable to have bowel movement because the pain was just excruciating.

Surgery day was here and away I went to be prepped. The procedure went well as far as I'm aware, although I'll know more when I have my medical notes from Scotland. They found endometriosis and to my knowledge excised some of it away and left some they couldn't get including some on one of my kidneys because it was too risky for them to remove it. I came around from surgery pretty groggy but eager to know if they found anything. The surgeon came round and spoke to me. I was pretty emotional that I finally knew a few things; I wasn't going crazy first and foremost, the pain wasn't in my head! And that I now had a name for what was wrong meaning I could find a treatment and it definitely wasn't a bowel disease causing all the pain. The conversation with the surgeon was hard and emotional. He basically said "I had to take each day as it comes" and basically stop making a fuss, I was discharged with some dihydrocodeine and instructions to see the specialist for a follow up appointment. I was told things should slowly go back to normal after surgery but after I healed the pain slowly came back, but worse. It was noted on my discharge letter that there was no cause for bowel pain which was very upsetting because that's really what led me to this point. That was one of the main problems. 36 hours was my longest continuous pain episode. I didn't eat or sleep during that time. I couldn't and it nearly broke me.

I continued to complain about the same issues and after my laparoscopy. The GP arranged a second colonoscopy where they would find the same things as they found in the sigmoidoscopy and first colonoscopy but this time a strange red patch that wasn't related back to any bowel problems/disorders but was noted down as a possible cause of pain. This is what I think is the deep infiltrating endometriosis that is stopping me from having any normal bowel movements and causing all the debilitating excruciating pain. The doctor doing the procedure also said my bowels were healthy apart from the red patch which she couldn't identify. Another blow because there wasn't anything to be found in my bowels to explain all the pain i suffered.

I also had several MRIs in between to see if there is endo in the bowels or pelvic area but they always come back negative oh and ive had a negative ultra sound. I'm not really surprised as it hard to pick endometriosis up on either. It can and has been done but really the gold standard way for diagnosing endometriosis is be a laparoscopic procedure. There are fellow sisters out there who have been lucky enough to be diagnosed that way. Chocolate cysts normally show on those types of scans.

Following my lap I also opted in for the coil although that was a big mistake and it didn't do anything but make me bleed constantly and be a angry hormonal mess. Whilst on the marina coil I also had monthly injection to give me the menopause. Another horrific experience to go through at 27 years old. Night sweats and hot flashes are the worst. All this in a desperate bid to tame my endometriosis symptoms although nothing ever really helped.

At the moment I'm waiting for another MRI from the new Dutch specialist due in a week and then hopefully i will be referred to the super surgeon after this comes back negative and there's nothing more this gyne can do. I need a doctor that specializes in endometriosis and that meant to cause no offense to the standard gynecologist that works in the local hospital. I need a doctor that is well trained especially with endo located in the bowel, bladder and kidney.

I am still trying to put my case forward for getting surgery again instead of hormonal suppression treatment which doesn't really work in my opinion especially In terms of my endo. If they can take away all the endo that's left and any that's grown since my first lap, I really believe I wouldn't need pain killers either so it's just a win win situation to me. The problem is no one really wants to just open the human body up because their patient thinks it's the best course of action. I'm unable to work and socialize, be intimate and live chained to the house going from pain flare to pain flare. I'm exhausted and have mood swings depending on my pain levels too. I still to this day am unable to have a bowel movement without being in some extreme pain and still have loads of mucus and undigested food and remain unable to put weight on.

If I follow a strict pain killers routine 3/4 times a day I can really minimize the flares and daily pain but that means I'm on high doses of strong meds throughout the whole day and it's hard to function sometimes. So I try and take it only when the pain crescendos up and doesn't go away after after a certain amount of time. That normally means I suffer more times than I need but I don't want to be dependent on the meds so I do really only try and take it when the pain is at it's worst. I now use a combination of the bath, hot water bottle and pain relief to try and help the pain and when I can't manage it at home I pay the ER a visit. I don't have enough fingers to count how many times that's happened over the last 4 years.

I never thought life would turn out like this. When I do get better there's a lot of things I need to deal with as well as just getting rid of the endo. My mind has changed, my body has changed and now bears horrible scars of deeply painful times, even things like my diet has had to change. I'm under weight, my bones hurt and hair is falling out. I don't and can't drink alcohol anymore because it effects my body so badly. Alcohol produces estrogen which is no good for endo. I'm definitely not the same person I was 5-7 years ago.

Endometriosis is all I ever think about, feel and experience. I feel pain that much that on the very rare days I wake up with no pain I spend it being so angry because Ive cancelled something previously and I could have gone in the end. The pain killers only mask the pain. They don't solve, fix or cure it and it never will. My disease is progressive and throwing painkillers at it will only ever work for so long.

So that's a little bit about me and my history with endometriosis. There's is still a long long way to go but if I stay strong then I can do this, I think. I'm going to try because that's all I can do. If I give up I can't be there for my kids and hubby and they mean so much to me. Endometriosis is a life long condition, I understand I may suffer pain throughout my life but not to this extent. I hope things can get better. This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through In my life and and it's not over yet.

Thanks for reading.

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