#but I will miss my favorite coworkers so dearly. and idk how I feel about all of this! I’m anxious! I want them to want me!

[fluffairy]

.

[pineyw00dsshesquatch]

I don't get it either, obligatory I am an omnivore, but I'll sometimes be a "fake vegetarian" cuz I love vegetarian options and am picky about meat. I also just love eggs. I'm a big time believer that everyone deserves delicious food, no matter their dietary restrictions, convictions and choices. ESPECIALLY comfort foods.

(i hijack this post for my vegan tamales Texas pasty lady imposter syndrome)

I really love the challenge of making vegan/vegetarian options. My favorite is tamales cuz I think they lend themselves well to meat free/plant based if you know what you're doing. They're also inherently gluten free. People can get weird about vegan tamales, but my cousins and my friend's vegan gf mama love em.

I kinda stall out on fillings tho cuz I feel like I'm missing obvious choices. I don't really like using meat substitute/plant based cheese products cuz they're kinda expensive and hard to find where I live. I would rather go extra steps to make a mushroom chorizo or something like that. But IIII am not vegan and know nothing of the desire for substitutions for dearly missed foods like cheese.

Vegan/Vegetarian tamales I do make are chile sweet potato, bean, and cream cheese jalapeno. The possibilities with tamale fillings are endless, but I keep being timid. Nopalito/cactus is an option that I've never cooked with cuz I'm chicken. Rajas/pepper strips are a common tamale filling also that's meatless. I've heard of people putting carrots in them, too. My internet research has suuuucked on this topic.

If I was in the city, it'd prolly be easier to find ideas from what people are making, emphasis on latiné vegans, but alas. I have a rival/coworker who spent time in vegan kitchens in Austin, but he's one of those people who make it weird that tamales gotta have meat. Even tho neither of us have any literal skin in the authenticity game (we pasty) we just Texan. I'm extra inauthentic, NOT vegan AND pasty. Idk what it's like for actual vegans coming up in Hispanic/Latiné families, but I wanna know what they think makes good vegan tamales.

There's also SO MANY WAYS people make tamales. I'm self conscious about having zero skin in the game, so I always tell people "this is just how IIIII learned" omitting other Central and South American countries, just Mexico is HUGE with tons of regional differences and THEN those all trickle thru the US and what's available and convenient from place to place family to family etc

There's absolutely gotta be big money vegan tamales in California, but my mom in law who taught me the craft calls it "Baja food" so I wanna stick to what's local, but I'm getting desperate at this point as tamale season gets closer.

Part of the reason I try to make good vegetarian food even though I’m not vegetarian is because of the one week my dad was convinced he was gonna go vegan.

You know what he made for dinner that whole week? Steamed vegetables, rice, and canned beans. All unseasoned. Technically a nutritionally complete meal. It tasted awful.

How could a man usually so good at cooking forget literally all of that when faced with the possibility of making vegan food?

I thought there had to be a better way. And it turns out there is. Vegetarian food doesn’t taste bad. Cartoons that depict vegetarians eating a singular leaf for a meal have ruined us. A lot of stuff that meat eaters eat in everyday life is technically vegetarian or easily made vegetarian. Why when faced with one restriction do so many people forget every single egg sandwich or apple pie they’ve ever eaten?

[stillwinterair]

2020 in books so far! All 21 of them!

Season of Storms by Andrzej Sapkowski -- Finished January 1st. My least favorite Witcher novel. In a series that managed to surprise and endear me at every turn, this one final romp did almost nothing for me. 2/5 stars.

Star Wars: Hard Merchandise by K.W. Jeter -- Finished January 17th. The final chapter in the Bounty Hunter Wars trilogy, and by far the worst of the three. 2/5 stars.

Migration by Julie E. Czerneda -- Finished February 18th. The middle chapter in Czerneda’s excellent Species Imperative trilogy, fun and charismatic, sciencey and cute. Didn’t hit me quite the same way as the first in the trilogy did, but still had fun. 4/5 stars.

Star Wars: Heir to the Empire by Timothy Zahn -- Finished February 2nd. It was okay. 3/5 stars.

To be continued under the cut, including thoughts on The Expanse, which has taken over my life this year:

Mass Effect: Revelation by Drew Karpyshyn -- Finished February 25th. Borrowed from a coworker, was immensely disappointed, decided once and for all I wasn’t going to touch tie-in novels for the rest of the year. That wound up being a great decision. 2/5 stars.

The City of Brass by S.A. Chakraborty -- Finished March 12th. The first of Chakraborty’s Daevabad trilogy, this was a great little historical fantasy fiction about a half-djinn caught up in about a thousand tropes I usually hate, but were written with care and nuance and charm. 4/5 stars.

Midway through The City of Brass, news of a virus overseas begin making waves.

Ancillary Justice by Ann Leckie -- Finished March 29th. The first of Leckie’s Imperial Radch saga. So, so, so many incredible concepts that I loved dearly... but all just slightly off to the side of where they would normally hit me. I wanted to love this book so badly, and it kept almost hitting me, but never quite did, at least not as hard as I wanted it to. Still, I enjoyed the world and the characters enough that I bought the sequel and will read it soon. 3/5 stars.

AAAAAND PANDEMIC! I began this book when I was still working, and finished it while in quarantine. So that’s fun. From here on out, all of these books were read from my couch or my bed.

The Goblin Emperor by Katherine Addison -- Finished April 16th. Another book I wanted desperately to love and... succeeded a bit more than with Ancillary Justice, thanks to how ceaselessly charming it was. But the names. Oh, god this book is full of fake fantasy names and titles and you have to remember all of them and the glossary isn’t always helpful. But, still. I found myself so endeared, I couldn’t put it down. 4/5 stars.

Leviathan Wakes by James S.A. Corey -- Finished May 3rd. The first book of The Expanse, and I fell in love instantly. This one hit all the right buttons and didn’t stop: good science fiction, fun space adventure, charming characters, perfect level of tension, the list goes on. And reading this one was... the beginning of a certain obsession I’ve had this year. 5/5 stars.

Consider Phlebas by Iain M. Banks -- Finished May 21st. The latter half of this book? Great. Stellar. The first half...? Uhhhhh. Eh? By far one of the most insufferable protagonists I’ve ever had to slog through, but some really cool scifi concepts here (and also some really bad ones -- the whole desert island cannibal thing was stupid as hell, but the Damage Game got me). 3/5 stars.

Caliban’s War by James S.A. Corey -- Finished May 30th. The second book in The Expanse series. I could not put this one down. Everything I loved about Leviathan Wakes, amplified a thousand times. The additions of Bobbie, Prax, and Avasarala made me ascend. This book fired on all cylinders and I loved every moment of it; it stands as one of my three favorite Expanse books so far -- but we’ll get to those. Anyway, I can’t give it 6/5, so we’ll have to settle with: 5/5 stars.

Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut -- Finished June 1st. A book I’d been meaning to read for a while and finally got around to. Literally finished it in two sittings. Mostly it made me sad. 4/5 stars.

The Strong Shall Live by Louis L’Amour -- Finished June 2nd. A collection of wild west short stories. A couple were great, a few were awful -- most were just okay. I’d been reading it slowly since December, and finishing felt more like a weight off my mind than anything else. Still, some of these stories were incredibly memorable. 3/5 stars.

Larissa by Emily Devenport -- Finished June 4th. I read this in about three sittings overall, which is a lot faster than I usually read. It wasn’t particularly good, but it was the exact sort of scifi junk I eat up for some reason. This is... a very, very weird one. It was very progressive for the time (the book is as old as I am), so much so that I wasn’t surprised to find her on Twitter very publicly supporting BLM and decrying the current administration. It’s about a black woman in space, wealth disparity, and a bunch of other stuff. Some of it works, some of it doesn’t, but Devenport was trying, all the way back in 93. It’s also the sequel to a book I didn’t know existed until I’d already finished, but I guess that one didn’t matter so much to the plot of Larissa? Anyway, had a blast, even though I can’t quite put a finger on why. 4/5 stars. (I actually had this one marked as 3/5 stars, but my memories of it are all very positive, so... it was worth the bump.)

Abaddon’s Gate by James S.A. Corey -- Finished June 13th. Third in The Expanse, and not my favorite. The pacing in the first half was a little wonky, but once it gets going, boy does it go. 4/5 stars.

Regeneration by Julie E. Czerneda -- Finished June 25th. The final entry in the Species Imperative trilogy. This might have been my least favorite of the three, unfortunately, as much like Ancillary Justice it always seemed to hit just to the side of where I wanted it to. The first one was by far my favorite, and the third installment just couldn’t recapture that magic, but I love the protagonist and was happy to walk with her to the end. Plus, as always, there’s some damn good science fiction here. 4/5 stars.

Cibola Burn by James S.A. Corey -- Finished July 4th. HELL YEAH MOTHERFUCKER, this one has everything! I don’t even want to spoil what, just know that this is exactly what you want after Abaddon’s Gate, and had everything it was missing and more. This one rocked my fucking world, and is one of my three favorite Expanse books so far. Another one I’d rate higher if I could, but for now... 5/5 stars.

The Curse of Chalion by Lois McMaster Bujold -- DNF, July 8th. This book had me until the 35-year-old protagonist started trying to hide his arousal while he was watching the two teenage girls he was tutoring swim, and it was played off as like... cute? I don’t know man, fuck this book, it made me miserable.

Nemesis Games by James S.A. Corey -- Finished July 16th. Once again, HELL YEAH MOTHERFUCKER, HELL YEAH! This book begins with some of the slowest pacing in the series so far, but god, have they earned it. It feels so good to just take a break and walk a mile in the shoes of all your favorite characters. And then when things hit? Boy do they fucking hit. The third in my trifecta of favorite Expanse books so far, and another I’d rate higher if I could. 5/5 stars.

The Assassin’s Curse by Cassandra Rose Clarke -- Finished July 21st. I really thought this was going to be a fun pirate book. Instead, it’s a book about a fun pirate slogging along with the most obnoxious man in the history of fiction, who she is also falling in love with, apparently, for some reason. I don’t know. This is a duology but idk if I’m even interested in the sequel. Which is a shame, because I really liked the protagonist. 2/5 stars.

Babylon’s Ashes by James S.A. Corey -- Finished August 5th. Definitely my least favorite Expanse novel so far, mostly because the narrative was stretched very thin. This one hit really fucking hard toward the beginning, and again at the end, but in the middle? The middle was very... nebulous. A lot happens and I’m not interested in all of it, which is something this series has thus far managed to avoid doing. Still, very good, just not quite up to the standards I’m used to from this series. 4/5 stars.

And... it’s August! And I haven’t picked up another book since the 5th, which feels weird, but is due to a lot of factors. I’m in the middle of moving, so I don’t have as much time to read during the day. But also I’m waiting on a shipment of books to come in, and it hasn’t yet, and that’s stressing me out. Of those, there are a couple I’m leaning toward reading, but if the ol’ Read The First Page trick doesn’t work on any of them, I’ll probably hop back to Imperial Radch.

[swayinghummingbirds]

feeling a way because yesterday i found out my brother and his wife are having a baby. and idk. i didnt think that would be happening for a few years. nowim beside myself in a dark seasonal depression, this time last year we almost moved back to fl because i missed my mom and brother and hated living with treys family. instead we moved to knoxville a week before we werent to move back to fl. i had to move from pa to fl away from all of my family at the age of 11 and it was really really hard. and i hate that i just watched my little cousins grow up over the internet. and i still am. i hate the fact that everyone is getting older. one day they wont be here even to give a phone call to. i think about my grandparents. my parents. i watched my mom do exactly what i did and i hated her for it for years because she took me away from my family and everything i knew. and then i did it to myself. i wanted so badly to get out the town i was in because there were too many ghosts. i was stoned 24/7 and just full of disappointment. i do have to admit moving away helped me be able to get off of my antidepressants and now ive been very sober and am progressing at my job and making myself more vabluable and kind of making stronger relationships. sometimes i feel like ill never make a friend like kaylee again. it was just such a wholesome friendship that i miss so so dearly. i still dont have an actual friend here. i have one girl that i go to church with sometimes, shes my coworker. i feel like i dont want to make a friend because it just hurts. when i moved i didnt talk to anyone for like three months. and when i finally called my mom i just cried because i told her i felt like a disappointment. of course, i was still going through medication withdrawals but still. ive made so much progress with my mental health and spirituality. so much spirituality. its been so nice to not have someone else tell me what i should or shouldnt do. all my life id have someone in my ear whether it be family or a friend. just making my own decisions. being able to go to the store and just absolutely know i wont see anyone i know, its been a dream. but when i told my manager about becoming an aunt he said i was going to have such a great time being an aunt and went on to tell me how great it is to be an uncle and i just felt in the pits of my stomach how it felt to watch my family grow up with out me . and now if i stay here ill be doing it again. and i dont even know if ill have kids myself. sometimes i want to and other times i dont. today after work one of my favorite coworkers- id go as far to say shes probably my favorite person there and id call her my friend- was sitting in the cafe and she was crying so i sat down to talk to her and she just went on about the book she was listening to about pets and reincarnation and how they live their life and learn more and come again but she was upset because one of her cats is very old and she knows shes going to pass soon. and she tells me about how her roommates sister moved in with them and is just making her life hell. the sisters roommate doesnt like her dog, her plants, the way the furniture is. my coworker is probably over 60 years old and i just feel for her. at one point she had a house paid for had so much in the company but ended up quitting so she lost it all , she sold her house, doesnt really have any decent family she could be with. my other coworker who’s 72, is moving back to florida to be with his son. another one is thinking about moving to missouri to be his mom whos in her 70′s. my mom is going to be old one day and i dont think i want to wait that long to be able to see her often. i dont want to end up like her and her brother where they dont talk and when she does call he thinks somethings wrong. today my yogi tea tag read “life is a flow of love, your participation is requested” and i just am not sure i want this anymore. im going to be 25 in less than a month and life just keeps going and going and going. to be honest january and february are so hard for me. ive been having a hard time taking care of myself. i have no motivation to do anything. i havent had a full yoga session in over a month. i cant bring myself to cook for myself so ive been eating like shit. i take my vitamins but i know thats not sufficient. everyone i talk to are going to the gym and feeling better. i tried doing yoga today and i did a few thigns and had a little meditation which was nice, but then my neighbors started yelling at each other so i gave up and just came to my room and here i am typing this. which is very theraputic i needed to get it out somehwere but now i feel like im just wasting my life away sometimes. depression has crept back in and the sun is gone and i have no friends and no family here and my fiance  and i are on opposite schedules for half the week so im just going to go to sleep maybe. if you actually read this- thanks and also sorry it wasnt meant to be read it was meant for typing it out of my mind. o rmore so so i could read it and give myself conversations and other thoughts about it all. 

[finn-nelson-for-the-win]

After over a week, I'm back with another update!

Hello there, lovelies! Hopefully the anticipation wasn’t too bad...But alas! Here I am, back again with the next chapter. Admittedly, this chapter took much longer than anticipated for me to write and even though I knew exactly what was going to happen, I still struggled to find the right way to convey it for maximum impact...idk, I've also been finding it a little tricky to find time to write with all the random stuff I've had going on in real life lately. 😬

Anyways...I hope you enjoy this because I'm not sure when the next time I will post will be...and as always, I love hearing what you guys have to say and seeing all the love you guys show to my writing...it's a large reason as to why I even make an effort to post my writings anymore, so thanks! 😘 All my previous chapters can be found right here, if you wish to get caught up.

Making Up for Lost Time

I can’t believe I’m about the say this, but…I can’t wait to go to work tomorrow. 

It was Christmas day—the day in which families near and far gather to enjoy each other’s company and celebrate—and Rae could not be unhappier.

There surely must have been a time when Rae felt differently about Christmas. Perhaps when she was a child and was still basking in the naivety of youth; however, for the last few years Rae has found this holiday to feel like more of a burden and be emotionally draining to the point that she has lost the childlike sense of wonder that used to be synonymous with Christmas time when she was younger.

Rae had been awakened before the sun had even fully risen by loud crashing and the unmistakable scent of charred food that could only mean one thing: Rae’s mother was trying to cook. Trying, but certainly not succeeding.

“Wait! Stop what you’re doing, right now! Get the coffee started to brew and I’ll take over from here. Please mum, before you burn the house down, I beg of you!” Rae called from the room she had slept in to her mother in the kitchen as she tied her plush dressing gown around her waist and slid her feet into her favorite pair of slippers before rushing to the kitchen.

“Oh, don’t be so dramatic, Rachel! It isn’t that bad…” Rae’s mum took a glance at the disheveled stack of what appeared to be pancakes that were simultaneously burned on the outside and completely raw inside, “On second thought…perhaps I will just get the coffee started. Can you take over for me here?”

“By ‘take over’, you mean ‘start completely from scratch because these ones are inedible’, right?” Rae joked, gently nudging her mum with her hip as her mum grabbed the coffee from the cabinet above their stove.

The rest of the family awoke on their own accord and grabbed their breakfast before returning to their respective rooms to eat on their own, as even during the holidays, Rae’s family could not adhere to the formalities of spending time together as a family.

The rest of the day proceeded in much of the same fashion: Rae confined to the kitchen as she was the only member of the family who was willing and able to take the lead on cooking Christmas dinner, while the rest of her family came and went as they pleased.

By the end of the night when the gifts had been exchanged and opened, dinner had been eaten, and the dishes had been cleaned, everyone was ready to go to bed for the night; however, Rae still had to travel back to her apartment in the city, as she had work early the following morning.

And by the time Rae had returned to her apartment and was able to climb into the comforting warmth of her bed, it was already the early hours of morning, and as Rae tossed and turned trying to get some sleep, she could already see the earliest signs of the sunrise on the horizon.

***

The first three and a half hours of Rae’s shift at work were downright torturous. The café down the street from Rae’s work was closed for Christmas weekend, so Rae begrudgingly had to forego the cup of coffee she had been looking forward to getting on her way to work. When Rae arrived at work, she was looking forward to the warm, coziness of an office building with the heater running to help warm her up from her walk to work that morning; however, she quickly realized upon arriving at work that the heating system was not functioning correctly and there was no one available to fix the heating system until Tuesday, due to the holiday. 

Ugh, fucking Christmas ruins everything…

Mondays at work were generally pretty quiet and today was no exception. Most of Rae’s coworkers had taken off work today to spend another day with their families, but Rae was more than happy to return to the city for work opposed to spending any additional time with her family.

When Rae’s scheduled break time finally came, Rae was thankful for the fifteen minutes to walk around outside and warm up a bit, as the sun was shining and it felt warm on her skin through her clothes despite the chill in the air.

When Rae had a few minutes left in her break, she returned to the break room and purchased an energy drink from the vending machine. She took a few long drinks from the can before setting it into the office refrigerator for her to finish after she got off of work.

Rae sat back down in her desk chair when she returned from break and got back to work responding to customers when after a while she sensed—rather than saw—someone walk up and sit down in the seat beside her.

“Hey stranger,” she greeted with a smirk as she quickly finished typing the message she had started, sent it, and turned in her desk chair to meet the familiar, warm dark brown eyes of the person who had taken a seat at the empty desk beside her.

Note to self: “Hey stranger” as a greeting holds the same meaning and creates the same sexual tension as “make me” during a squabble…

“Rae…” Finn’s eyes lit up when he said her name and they locked eyes, derailing his train of thought and making him forget what else he intended to say to Rae in that moment.

“It’s been a really long time since I’ve seen you, Finnley! We really missed you…”

“I missed you, Mae…like a lot!” Finn chuckled and blushed lightly as he turned his head away to avoid making direct eye contact with Rae. 

I told him “we” missed him, but Finn just openly admitted to missing me in particular! No fucking way!

“So where have you been for the last couple weeks?” Rae asked as she picked up another customer conversation in an attempt at nonchalance.

“I was traveling a bit…with my band—”

Wait, did Finn just say...

“With your band? You’re in a band..?” Rae asked, her eyebrows furrowing as in confusion as she was fairly sure that she had misheard what Finn said. 

Fucking hell, as if this bloke needed to get any more attractive!

“Yeah, I’m in a punk band…” 

Of course you are.

“And I play the bass.”

“Of course you fucking do!” Rae rolled her eyes as she said this, which caused Finn to laugh and grin at Rae and she quickly realized that she had said her last thought aloud.

"What's that supposed to mean, Mae? What's wrong with me being in a band and playing bass?" 

Well…shit.

"It's just I always find myself...drawn to guys—I mean people—that are in bands...so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that you're musically inclined as well"

"You say the weirdest things sometimes," Finn was still chuckling before he smiled at Rae and looked at her with his dark brown eyes full of sincerity, "but I love that about you. I like talking to you, and in case you haven't noticed, I don't really like talking to anyone."

"Well...I like talking to you too, and I'm very selective about who I talk to." Rae replied, her cheeks still tinged slightly pinker than they would usually be.

"So I guess I'm one lucky guy, huh?" Finn smirked and winked at Rae but did not turn his desk chair away from her even as she returned her eyes to her computer screen to continue assisting customers.

"I, uh...I really missed you Rae...like probably too much," Finn chuckled nervously before continuing. "How was your Christmas? What gifts did you get? Don't spare me the details! I haven’t been able to see ya or talk to ya in weeks and I want to know all about it, girl!”

"My Christmas was okay,” Rae began shifting nervously about being the center of attention as Finn remained focused on her, not even making an attempt to seem like he was actually working, “I spent the day with my family and I did a lot of cooking. And for presents I mostly just got some new clothes, some proper baking equipment so I can bake more often and work on my decorating skills, and a new record player.”

“That’s great, Rae! I’m so glad to hear that you got some nice gifts. And it’s so fucking cool that you got a record player! Did you get any records or do you already have some?” Finn asked, his eyes shining with a child-like happiness as he dove into yet another discussion about music with Rae that he has missed dearly in the weeks he has been gone.

“Yeah, I got a few records…Nirvana, Pearl Jam, The Offspring, and The Ramones…most of them are just the Greatest Hits compilations, but yeah…I’m really excited to give’em a spin!”

“That’s a great start to a collection, Rae! I have a few records of my own that I think you might like, so just let me know if you ever wanna borrow some or, erm, hang out and listen to music together or whatever…” Finn broke eye contact for the first time during their conversation and looked down at his lap as he bounced his left leg rapidly and began biting the skin around his thumb nail.

“I’d love that, Finn! Thank you!” Rae added in a reassuring tone that made Finn smile and eased some of his tension and concerns.

“And you said you also got some new baking equipment or something?”

“Uh, yeah! I got a standing mixer and some new baking pans and trays, and some interchangeable decorating tips and stencils. I only had the basics at my apartment before this, so I’m happy that now I can learn new techniques and hone my decorating skills some more.”

Finn smiled as he noticed the light that came into Rae’s eyes when she was talking about something that she loves and truly enjoys. She noticed him grinning at her and tilted her head to the side in confusion. 

What did I say to make Finn look at me like that?

“You really love cooking and baking, huh?” Finn asked with genuine curiosity.

“I suppose so. I think it’s fun and a good way to relax…and I’ve had a number of people tell me I’m quite good at it, so I might as well enjoy cooking, right?” Rae replied, trying to downplay her passion for cooking and come across as casual as possible.

“I know you can bake—fuck, as if I could ever forget the cupcakes you made—but you seem like you’re a really good cook just in general.” Rae shrugged and blushed a bit at his flattery, but Finn was not content with her humbly brushing off the compliment.

“I’m serious, Rae! You could totally compete in those cooking show competitions! You know, like Chopped or Iron Chef or something like that…You would most likely win too!”

“Okay Finnley, I think you’re giving me a little bit too much credit for someone who has only ever tasted one thing I’ve cooked…”

“Perhaps you’re right…maybe you should cook me a romantic dinner one of these days and then I can truly be the judge of your talents.” Finn wiggled his eyebrows and winked at Rae, which made her blush and chuckle nervously. 

Finn is just joking, surely. He can’t be seriously about us having dinner together, obviously…but why does the look in his eyes give the impression that he meant what he said..?

Finn noticed Rae’s silence as she over-analyzed what he had said and wrongly interpreted it, assuming that his attempt at flirting had made her uncomfortable, so he quickly tried to get the conversation back on track. 

“No, but seriously. I don’t think I’m giving you too much credit, Rae…that one cupcake was more than enough to convince me. I just…I-I know that you’re amazing at everything you set your mind to and I can see the passion in your eyes when you talk about cooking.” Finn looked at Rae and smiled when the intensity of his stare cause her to look away before he continued.

“So even if you don’t believe it yet yourself, I know you have the talent and passion and I look forward to the day that I see you on TV and can brag to everyone I know that I was lucky enough to taste your cupcakes. And I’m gonna be so proud of you, girl!”

Rae was at a loss for words and was not entirely sure how to react to the unwavering confidence and belief Finn has in her abilities as a chef.

She tuned slightly in her chair to say something but her train of thought was completely derailed when she saw that Finn was still smiling at her, but he was paying extra attention to her facial features to get a better reading of her reaction.

Holy shit…is it possible that Finn could have gotten MORE fit in the two weeks since I saw him last? He’s so hot I could probably forgo the oven and bake cookies directly on this beautiful bloke in front of me!

Rae chuckled, which caused Finn to quirk an eyebrow up in confusion, and she shook the humorous thought of baking cookies directly on Finn’s naked torso from her mind before finally responding.

“Thank you, Finn. I don’t think I’ve ever known someone with so much faith in me or my cooking abilities…so I really appreciate that,” Rae cleared her throat before continuing, “Anyways! Enough about me and my life these last few weeks…you were off traveling with your fucking punk band! That’s amazing! How was that? What all did you do? Don’t spare me the details either.”

“Yeah, it was pretty great…at first…the first few shows we did were really good and we had a good sized crowd that listened to us even though we were only the opening act. But after about a week, all of us were missing our girlfriends and the people we had waiting for us here at home…And you never really know how much of a twat some of your friends are until you travel and share hotels with them non-stop for a week!”

Rae laughed and turned slightly to face Finn more directly as he continued with his story.

“Our last show was supposed to be on Christmas Eve—so I wasn’t going to be back with my family for Christmas—but we had our van broken into and stolen from the parking lot of our hotel one night, so we had to cancel the rest of our shows because all our equipment and a lot of our stuff was inside the van that was taken…”

“Holy shit, Finn! Are you serious? I am so sorry to hear that.” Rae met Finn’s gaze and his grimace turned into some semblance of a genuine smile when he saw the sincerity and overwhelming sympathy in Rae’s eyes.

“Yeah…it was pretty shitty…but this meant we were able to head home four days early and spend Christmas with our loved ones, so that was a blessing in disguise, I suppose.” Finn replied as he shrugged his shoulders.

“That’s a good way to look at it Finn! What did you and your family do for Christmas?”

“Nothing too interesting. It were just me, my dad, my stepmom, and my two sisters. I got some new clothes as well, a really nice blanket, and a popcorn popper from my family…I just felt really guilty that I didn’t have gifts to give them in return.”

Rae tilted her head to one side and furrowed her eyebrows in confusion, waiting for Finn to go on. Finn proceeded to tell Rae that the day before their van was stolen, him and his band mates had spent their free day visiting the shops around the town they were in to get the last of their Christmas gifts for family, friends, and significant others.

“Well, ya see, all the gifts I gotten for people were in the back of the van that got stolen…” As the understanding sunk in, Rae gasped and gave Finn an apologetic look as he continued telling the story.

“I was gutted to see that everything I had was taken because some of the gifts had sentimental value and special meaning—they weren’t just bought from a store—so it’ll be nearly impossible for me to replace all the gifts, but I am gonna try. Do you think people will be upset that I couldn’t give them a gift?” Finn broke eye contact, shifting his gaze to examine his fingernails that he had bitten down significantly while coping with recent stressful events. 

“Finn, of course not!” Rae finished the message she was typing before reaching her left hand over to gently squeeze his hands where they rested on the desk beside her before continuing, “This wasn’t your fault at all, so anyone should be able to understand why you weren’t able to give them a gift. It means enough that you tried and that you are trying to make it up to them, I honestly don’t even think you should concern yourself with what other people will think. If you have the right people in your life, they will be more than understanding of the situation…”

Rae studied Finn’s face, which was now turned slightly away from her as he stared at the ground, and the panic began to set in as she began to second-guess what she had just said to him. Finn then looked up at Rae from under his thick eyebrows and a grin spread slowly across his face when their eyes met.

“I’m not sure how, but I had a feeling you’d say something like that, Rae,” Finn finally replied, chuckling nervously as he ran his fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck, “I like that mentality.”

Rae and Finn fell into a comfortable silence for the remaining hour of her shift, as she kept responding to customers and Finn began assisting the first customers of his shift despite being logged into his computer for a few hours.

When the clocks on the wall nearest to them chimed, signaling the new hour, Rae logged off of her computer and stood from her desk chair to leave.

“Okay, I’m leaving for the day. It was really nice to see ya today, Finn…” 

Don’t you say it, Rae…Don’t you dare fucking say it!

“I, uh…I really missed you while you were gone too, Finn.” 

Fuck…you said it.

Rae hurried out of the building, not willing to wait for Finn’s response to her admitting that she had missed him, as she was sure that his reaction would not be a good one.

***

As she walked along the perimeter of the building toward the seating area in which a number of shaded stone tables served as the designated “smoking area” near their office complex, Rae took a seat at one of the tables that was in direct sunlight in an attempt to recover some of the warmth she had been lacking inside the building for the last few hours.

Rae was sitting at this table for a few minutes, drinking the remainder of her energy drink and scrolling through her social media accounts when she noticed someone walking quickly towards the table she was sitting at.

“Fancy seeing you here! Why are you sitting out here alone?”

Rae looked up to see Finn standing in front of the table she was sitting at and she could clearly tell that he was debating if he should take a seat as well or not.

“Hiya Finn…I haven’t seen you in ages!” Rae joked before continuing, “I was really cold, so I wanted to warm up a bit before walking home so I’m sitting here in the sun…and I wanted to finish drinking my energy drink…”

“Well…I can think of a few things we could do that could warm ya up…” Finn replied with a smirk as he sat down at the opposite side of the table facing Rae, which caused her to blush a deep red color.

“So…uh…what are you doing out here, Finn?”

“I’m on my break. Normally I like to walk laps around the building to get my blood pumping a bit or I’ll go get some food or coffee, but while I was walking today I saw you sitting here and well…”

“Oh! I’m sorry I’m ruining your break time. I can leave if ya want—”

“No! I mean…you don’t have to leave on my account. I want to sit and talk to you for a bit while I’m on break, if that’s alright with you. We still have a lot of making up for lost time to do, girl!”

“Okay…so what do ya wanna talk about, Finnley?”

“Uhm…do you wanna hear about a couple of my New Year’s resolutions?” Rae nodded and took another sip of her energy drink, giving Finn an encouraging smile as she waited for him to speak.

“Well…I want to start going to the gym more often. To get a bit healthier and build some muscles, you know? And…uh…I really want to stop smoking.”

“That’s great Finn! I’m happy to hear you’re making some choices to put your health first in this upcoming year.”

“Yeah…I mean, I don’t like that I smoke and I know a lot of people that matter to me that don’t like when the people around them smoke, so I’m willing to make those changes for them and for myself.”

Rae took another drink of her energy drink and watched in curiosity as Finn rolled an acorn back and forth on top of the table before he looked up to meet her eyes.

“What about you, Rae? Do you have any New Year’s resolutions?”

“Uh, not really. I don’t think they’re very effective—for me at least—and I almost never accomplish them, so I rarely make resolutions…I do, however, like to assess what the year that is ending meant for me and what I want the next year to bring…in general terms, at least.”

“So what do you want the year 2017 to bring you?”

“Well in 2016, I experienced a lot of high highs and low lows…and…well, I don’t really know how to say this without ranting about the intricacies of my screwed up life, but…”

“Rae, I understand if you don’t wanna tell me, but I just want to let you know you can tell me anything. I won’t judge you and even if I can’t help, I can promise you that I will try my fucking best to help however I can….I want you to trust me, Rae.”

Rae was caught off-guard by his sincerity as she searched his eyes for any indication that he did not mean what he was saying.

“Okay…well, I’ve had a rough few years. And by that, I suppose I mean that the last six years of my life have been very difficult and almost always seemed to be getting worse with each passing year…but even just the small changes I’ve made in my life in the last few months I think are small steps towards where I want to be…So I want 2017 to help me realize who are my true friends and help me surround myself with people that genuinely care for me and want me to be happy. I also want to keep working towards loving myself and embracing who I am at this point in my life, and yeah…I guess my new year’s resolution for 2017 would just be to be happy.” 

She took a deep breath and before she could psych herself out of saying what was on the tip of her tongue, Rae added “And I'm not entirely sure why, but I do trust you Finn…” 

As soon as the words left her lips, she immediately looked down at her hands on top of the stone table and busied herself with examining her long, polished red fingernails. 

“Oh, Rae…I’m so glad you felt comfortable telling me that and you don't know how happy I am to hear that you trust me,” he paused briefly and stared at her with a gentle smile until she looked up to meet his eyes and he continued, “I want you to be happy, girl. I know that you especially deserve to be happy because you’re world-class…and no, Rae, I’m not just saying that to be nice. I mean it. And I want to do whatever I can as your coworker and close mate and…well, whatever you want me to be, to help you be happy.” 

How did I get lucky enough to know such a fit boy that also has a heart of gold? I must have won the lottery or stepped into a parallel universe because this sort of shit never happens to Rae Earl…

Rae and Finn kept talking about everything and anything, just enjoying the pleasantly warm afternoon weather and each other’s company when Finn happened to glance at his phone to check the time.

“Shit…my break ended a while ago. I should probably head back to work now…I suppose. So...what your plans for the rest of the day, Rae?” Finn asked as he begrudgingly stood from the table and gave Rae a shy smile.

“My plans…for the rest of today? Well I was just gonna go back to my apartment…but I think maybe I’ll go to the Secret Garden instead.”

“Wait…Did you say, uh, ‘secret garden’…?”

“Yeah! It’s this little garden on campus where I’ve been growing some plants and vegetables for the last couple months…it’s well-hidden and almost no one knows about it, so it’s my secret garden. I like going there to just relax, or listen to music and think from time to time…”

“Oh, that’s so cool, Rae! And that sounds like a lot of fun…I wish I could come along so you could show me around your secret garden and I can just keep hanging out with you…but instead I have to go back to work.” 

Wait a second! Did Finn just openly admit how much he wants to keep hanging out with me and have me show him around my garden?

Every sexual innuendo Rae's friends have been making for the last few month since Rae took this gardening class came to mind and she tried to contain the giggle and ignore the blush that was creeping into her cheeks at the memory of Chloe’s advice to try to find a nice bloke who wanted to explore Rae's “lady garden”. 

FOCUS RAE! Finn Nelson just told you how much he'd rather spend time with you than go back to work...and he's clearly interested in exploring your secret garden, which could be literal or figurative and mean something sexual...in either case, I'm not complaining, but you have to say something! And DON’T FUCK IT UP, RAE!

“Uhm...well, I wish we could keep chatting and hanging out too, but you've already missed two weeks of work and what kind of influence would I be on you if I was the reason you ditch work less than halfway through your first day back?”

“I don't care...being with you is worth getting in trouble for missing work…” Finn replied almost immediately.

“Well I'm flattered you think that, Finn, but I just couldn't do that in good conscience. But…” Rae paused for dramatic effect and to ensure that she had Finn’s undivided attention, “I'd be more than happy to give you a personal tour of my garden another time, okay? So just consider this a rain check yeah?”

“Yeah, okay! I just hope it's soon...I'm excited to see this ‘secret garden’ of yours and experience it first-hand…” Finn added with a wink and his signature crooked smirk. 

Yup...that’s most definitely a euphemism…

 “I look forward to seeing you again very soon, Rae!”

“Yeah, for sure. Enjoy the rest of your shift at work, Finnley!”

He was already walking away quickly as she said this, since his fifteen minute break was going on nearly thirty minutes now and he couldn't risk being any later than he already was, but he turned back to face Rae where she still sat at the stone table before sighing longingly and adding, “Without you there, girl? It's impossible for me to enjoy work anymore when you're not around me...take care, love!” And he quickly turned and kept walking until he was out of Rae's line of sight. 

Holy shit...I have so much new information and stories to share with the girls now that Finn is back in town and back in my life!

Rae sighed dreamily and as she walked to her Uni campus and into the secret garden to tend to her plants. 

This handsome dickhead gives me heart palpitations in the best ways possible…

And as she watered her bush of luscious red roses that were just beginning to bloom, she could not wipe the dopey lovesick grin from her face as her favorite cover of Can't Help Falling in Love crooned from her Bluetooth speakers.

@eveerez @tinakegg @hey1tskat1e @bitchesbecrazy89 @kneekeyta @milllott @protectfinnnelson @arathewallflower @jackiewalsh2013 @pink-royaute @i-dream-of-emus @lurkernolonger @bitchy-broken

A/N: Hey there! I'm back again lol. So I'm at a point where I can take this story in two very different directions, but I have not decided which just yet. I want to do right by you all, the readers, but I also want to stay true to myself and gain some form of catharsis because I have literally been detailing some of my most recent relationship drama under the guise of MMFD fanfic for like 10? chapters now...so we'll just have to wait and see where the story takes me...in the meantime: I'm always here to answer your questions, gossip about MMFD and other MMFD fanfics, and get to know you guys, so...let's be friends, yeah? 😘😁😁😘