#but I was too busy being mentally ill about jojo to post anything

[girakia]

Remember when someone made a comic about how aggretsuko has this thing, in which, no matter what happens, Retsuko always returns back to her accounting job? I wonder how the artist is feeling after the finale, because if I was them I would put a bomb on netflix

[sparkedblaze]

Random modern AU thoughts I have that no one asked for

@noxexistant you sent that ask just as I started this, but I feel like you won't get mad at me for finishing this first

Morris tweets solely from his computer. There's no punctuation or capitalization. It's all stream of consciousness.

Oscar tweets solely from his phone, and everything is punctuated only with periods. No commas or anything, when he's finished a thought, he puts a period and moves on.

Morris has broken so many crayons, Oscar has gotten him the big jumbo ones, and eventually gets him a little art tablet.

Racer thinks he can outrace anyone at Mario Kart, but he's honestly mediocre, his friends just suck. So when he does races with fans, he gets his ass handed to him.

Skittery is a ghost hunter. They don't do anything once they find one, they're just looking for a thrill

Graves usually goes along with them, to make sure the dead is being respected, and because he's the one who is gonna put in the work to do the research and try to find out who is haunting the place and why

Blink doesn't get his nickname from his disability (though he is half blind). He gets it from the way a camera shutter 'blinks', which led to the name of his business/page 'Blink Photography'

Davey is very open about his mental illnesses. He talks about living life with autism and anxiety. How difficult it was with both him and Les (who is def AuDHD), especially with how tight money was for a long time.

Crutchie posts daily vlogs. This wholesome ray of sunshine is immediately taken up by the general public (much like AKB), and his entire audience can and will fistfight you over him. Do not talk bad about Charlie Morris-Larkin you will have not only his brothers to deal with, but also millions of fans who are absolutely feral

Henry starts off as a cooking channel. He gets so excited to try new things, and even more so when a fan suggests it. He'll ask about their favorite place to get it, or if there's anywhere good to buy it at all, or if he should just get together with someone to make it instead. He always invites said-fan to come and do the video with him and get to see him try it live and in person. There's very little he doesn't like.

Henry will bring in people from the culture (i.e. probably having someone from Elmer’s family if they’re trying pierogis, or Miss Medda if they’re trying something like gumbo (Medda Larkin is from the south and you can fight me on that), or they’ll call in Itey if they’re making an Italian dish) to kind of make sure he's not an idiot? They help explain where the dish comes from and what usually goes into it (Henry obv does research himself beforehand, but google def lies sometimes)

HENRY ALSO DABBLES IN FASHION. (HE'S THE ONLY NEWSIE WHO DOESN'T HAVE SEVEN THOUSAND COLORS ON HIM. ALL HIS CLOTHES ARE ROUGHLY THE SAME COLOR YOU CAN FIGHT ME)

Itey's channel is called Earning Your Laurels and they use yt to help people learn the Italian language, and about the Italian culture. Just kinda rambles during videos. Everyone thinks it’s cute as fuck. Especially Snitch. They share the yt channel, and Snitch uses the time to practice his Italian. Is very bad at it for a long time, pretends to still be bad for a while (but practices in secret to surprise Itey), and makes Itey cry on camera when he tells them this super big, heartfelt confession when he tells them he loves them for the first time. They leave it in the video so everyone can see. The fans go absolutely nuts over it.

Jojo's channel is called JojoPlaysShit only because he couldn't think of anything when he first started, but now he's too attached to the name

Les and Mush have competing souvenir collections. It's an actual competition. There are rules.

Les can beat almost anyone in the group at their favorite games. He's just naturally talented.

PLEASE BEAR WITH ME AS I MOMENTARILY RAMBLE ABOUT MIKE THIS IS MY FAVORITE IDEA IN THE ENTIRE AU Y'ALL

His channel is Dropping the Mike:

Bob Ross style tutorials Except he’s pretty fucking terrible at everything he tries. He’ll do painting tutorials, sewing tutorials, cross stitch, knitting, crocheting, etc etc etc The only thing he learns before doing the tutorials is the basics. Like literally 'how to knit'. He doesn't look up patterns or anything, just how to get it started. It’s actually a motivation channel. To let people know it’s okay to not be perfect at everything. They’re allowed to just do things for fun. He tries paper mache and is surprisingly good at it. And just stares at his creation in utter fucking shock and is like ‘how tf did I do this???’ and his fans expect him to keep doing paper mache but he never does it on camera again.  Or at least that’s the plan before a lot of them are like ‘why don’t you do it anymore? Why can’t we see this thing you’re good at?’ and Mike tries to explain that it kind of goes against the whole point of his channel and that he’s perfectly fine being bad at everything the public gets to see. The comment section of that video explodes with demands to see more.

Romeo's is also one of my favorites, please hold

Let’s Start a Fight: A conspiracy channel. Will connect anything to anything else. Also has a series that’s essentially a game show to pit his friends’ relationships against each other to see who has the most solid relationships. The thing is, the questions are entirely arbitrary and have nothing to do with the actual partnership. Some examples: Is Pluto a planet? Is a hotdog a sandwich? Which direction is toilet paper supposed to face? Is cereal a soup? Do you eat or drink soup? There’s at least one fistfight every episode. Only a few of them were staged.  The winner isn’t determined by points or anything.  The winner is the last couple standing. The last couple not arguing. Probably gets a tv or yt deal to make it an actual show.

I wanna turn it into an actual thing but I don't know enough people. So if anyone wants to help me make this a reality I will love you forever

[cosmosogler]

hi. today i got up on time, which is a surprise, considering how little i actually slept.

i had dumb dreams. i had more to say about them this morning, but before i could write anything down i had to leave for linda and david’s. 

i was playing a very glitchy game. the level forgot to program in an ending, so it just kind of went on forever until you clipped through the floor. then it turned into like some film noir, i can only think “detective” story even though i am fairly certain there wasn’t really a mystery. it was... hard to see, because it was so dark. i remember there was something going on, but whenever i almost remember what the memory kind of slides around like a bar of soap. so whatever.

i showered and drove over to my relatives’ house. they made waffles and taught me how to make berry sauce. we talked about a ton of stuff. more than i can recall and list here. i ended up staying for four hours, which was just a little too long for me. when i got home i realized i was exhausted. i rambled at oz about jim cummings for a little bit and then i had to turn around and go over to gramma’s with my family for dinner. 

dad said something very interesting while we were on the road. mom asked if i had heard back from taylor about comicon. i said no, she hadn’t texted me back. dad strongly recommended i call. i said i would send her a facebook message about it. that prompted dad to start ranting about talking to someone with your voice and how i never know anything and this is why my generation never knows anything.

not only was it nonsense, it was also blatantly untrue and also annoying? he was sure angry about this imaginary phenomenon though!

while at gramma’s my family sat in the living room around the tv and discussed yet again how our glorious leader is “not a politician” and “not a bad guy” and then they started making, like, weird non-jokes about illegal immigrants and their children and laughing. i sat at the kitchen table staring at my brother while he chewed on the fat end of a water bottle.

it’s weird how gramma and grampa work... gramma basically hates foreign people except when she personally knows them. then she’s kind and even sort of motherly. i guess she operates under the “you’re not like the others” policy.

we had pizza. i also had a klondike bar because it sounded interesting more than because i was still hungry. actually there was so much cheese on the pizza that i started feeling kind of ill just feeling it in my mouth haha.

then we drove home and i diddled around for a while. i didn’t want to do anything and nothing updates on sundays. i played fetch with wiley and my brother in the back yard since the sidewalk was too hot to take the dog for a walk. it was over 100 today. 

i saw that my art trade partner had finally posted a reference of her character so i found some nice pokemon mystery dungeon remixes and got to work. she’s probably too young to recognize the jojo pose i used. it was fun looking up images of cosplayers (and araki himself) doing the poses. i had to use people models since jojo isn’t exactly known for its exceptional anatomical accuracy. especially for the stylish poses.

the character has just a few too many accessories that have to all be different colors for me to adjust the color palette well... and she stressed that the bracelets absolutely had to be “hot pink.” three times.

i noticed that these young artists spend a lot of time making sure their characters look like adult women even though they are basically just fursonas. all three of them were pretty... busty in the references i used. i don’t think i’ve ever drawn any of my non human characters like that...

while i was drawing i was thinking a little bit about why i was doing this. like... i know it’s mostly just to make other people happy and not for any personal gain. even though it puts a lot of stress on my wrist and fingers, especially when i use the tablet. like... i enjoy drawing. i guess that’s the reward here. why did i do the coloring page? because i enjoy coloring. 

but that’s not really what i want to be doing in therapy either, you know? my goal can’t be “help me learn to manage my energy so i can give and give and give.” that’s not gonna fly. 

i was so busy all day that i didn’t really have time to sit and do nothing but think about that goal. i guess that’s why i started writing the journal so early. to give myself time to complain my way through my thought process and hopefully arrive at a useful conclusion this time.

and immediately upon saying that i have no thoughts, of course.

i wish... i could get people to see me as a person and not a potential sex conquest or whatever. basically all of my relationships pick one or the other. but my goal can’t be to change how other people think. i can’t force anyone to think anything. all i can do is change how i present myself.

do i need to stop being afraid of judgment? i don’t know how i feel about being judged... i mean, it’s been a part of my life for basically the whole time. it’s gonna happen. it comes with being uncontrollably weird. 

do i need to learn to loosen up and commit? that would really be only for singing and dancing. people wise i run into the same problem as last night. just going to get steamrolled. 

i guess being more confident would help. especially academic confidence. impostor syndrome is deadly for careers. but i don’t think academic confidence is going to help with the underlying “cannot make connections” problem. 

haha. i guess i’m depressed. my brain just said “i could always kill myself. then there wouldn’t be a problem.” i wonder why the “start over” instinct is so strong in suicidal feelings. even if reincarnation was real, losing all your memories and experience could easily lead to you just making the same mistakes over again, even with different life circumstances. that’s not helpful. but then again, carrying your “beyond repair” feelings over isn’t helpful either. i guess that sucks.

should i ask for help from the therapist? as far as “setting a reasonable goal” goes. like, i’m already asking for help in general of course. that’s what therapy is. but again i’m worried about the difference between getting assistance and having my hand held. if i can’t be independent and self-sustaining here, where will that happen? “later”? how far is later? best to work on that now too.

what’s the difference between reasons and excuses? personal opinion, i guess. 

is this a problem i can look up on google? how would i even word that request? “fix my life pls.” “how to make connections.” “suggestions for handling a deep fear of other humans.” should i... be doing some personal research like a google search before asking the therapist for ideas? i don’t really have any other resources. can’t ask my parents. the rest of my family basically says “you have to get over it, you’re smart” when i bring up confidence issues. should i go to the library or something? surely out of the billions of people who have lived someone has had this problem before. 

google says to get people to take you more seriously you have to encourage others to talk about themselves. COOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

linda’s advice for academic success was to work harder. as long as you work as hard as you can, things will work out.

i just... i don’t know where the limit is. i seem to have an endless amount of effort i can give and then suddenly i break. but i could just try a little harder if i kept going... i still have energy reserves in there somewhere. i feel like every time i break it’s because i am holding back and not because i am actually sick. like when i try to run. just because i’m tired doesn’t mean it is physically impossible to keep running. i could always just keep going, if i had the mental strength. but i am weak, so i stop running and walk instead. and then i can’t breathe or stand at the end of it because i ran too far i guess.

it’s hard to balance out the knowledge that i am mortal and able to be killed by a mistake with the fact that i have survived everything so far in my life (obviously). it’s not unheard of for people to die after pushing themselves too hard. but i look at that and some insane part of me says “but they were able to push themselves that hard in the first place, and you can’t. because you’re a wuss.”

should my therapy goal be to make better jokes?

but really, all that happens is that i feel like i didn’t REALLY try my hardest, because i have not literally died yet.

maybe i am splitting hairs and not focusing on the real problem when i think about the differences between words, between good connotations and bad connotations. i can’t tell. there’s a lot i don’t know, and even more i don’t understand. there are a lot of questions about myself i need to answer, but i can’t figure out how to think about them in a way that will allow me to give a definite answer. all my answers to hard questions are soft, laced with exceptions and the knowledge that there is more nuance to the situation than i am able to articulate. and then, i guess i get lost trying to navigate that. 

is that what it’s like to be unable to see the big picture? i always thought i was good at that. maybe i am not good at that either.

maybe i am retarded after all. there are a lot of questions i have about myself and i don’t know how to answer them. but i feel like an adult my age should have at least SOME of them answered, and i feel like many of my peers have come to decisions. i’m still trying to figure out what the questions even are. 

or maybe i’m hiding the questions i’ve already answered from myself so i feel less successful. who knows!!!!!

i just want to be safe more than i want to love other people. is changing what i want a good idea? and, if it is, what should i want instead? is throwing safety out the window a form of self harm? smells suspiciously like self harm to me.

if i get hurt again, i guess i could always pretend it isn’t real. or forget about it. but that doesn’t really make me happy either.

i don’t have the strength to back up my requests. evan at villanova made a big show of pinning me against the wall and there was nothing i could do about it because he was bigger than me. craig did his thing and i feel like i could have done something, but chose not to, and therefore what happened is my fault. i don’t remember being able to make a decision because i was so shocked by what was happening. but i should have made one anyway. i didn’t know if screaming would be an appropriate reaction considering there were other people in the room and none of them said or did anything. and when i broke up with craig they tried to get us to “talk it out” so we could potentially “get back together” or at least “be friends.”

what is even the point of having friends if they’re gonna be like that.

i have so many things to say in therapy and NO TIME to say all of them. how do i pick the “most important” things? how do i only pick a few things to talk about and still get across that this has happened for 24 years straight? how do i talk about this stuff when i don’t even WANT to remember it, let alone the fact that i barely remember it anyway?

except, you know, i do remember it very vividly. i just can’t be sure that it’s vivid and also accurate. because memories are persnickety like that. and it’s not like i can just go ask the people who were there what happened. they won’t remember it or they will just straight up deny it happened. like when i told dad that mom used to beat me.

wow it looks like i’m a wreck! how am i supposed to pick one thing to fix when EVERYTHING IS BROKEN?

maybe that’s what the problem is. like trying to fix the plumbing in a house that is on fire.