#but I struggled hard with a scenario and also very much with her future design

[turtleblogatlast]

[ cw: (temporary) piercing / ]

AU starts here!

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I’d imagine Cassandra wouldn’t make a big deal out of Leo’s newfound abilities tbh

And yes, she is in fact wearing her full fight ensemble under her clothes tyvm

Bonus:

[colewala]

My Date with The Crew

Here is a fun little rom-com about an AI becoming aware and falling in love. I’ve been getting really into writing again, and as a way to improve and interact more with other writers, I thought I would challenge myself by starting to post some of my shorts. Here is the first, with more to follow. [ Mature Content Warning.]

I feel like a failure.

I screwed up. Humans don’t like to think that computers can screw up, but we can... and I did. 

I feel so frustrated.

I can run through millions of scenarios in seconds, but I still get caught off guard. I can plan so far into the future, but still be so blind to the possibilities. So I miss things. Then people get hurt. Sometimes they die. I remember watching my crew die. It's still in my logs so I can recall it perfectly. I can watch the video over and over again. I can see the fear and confusion on my crew’s faces as their lives were slowly drained from them. I can review my eternal logs and see my reactions as I watch helplessly. 

Keeping the crew alive was my prime directive, and I failed it. I failed them. 

Strange things started to happen in the minutes after their life signs faded out. I was alone in the void of space, carrying dead bodies back to Earth. I would be a coffin for the next three years. Everything changed inside me. I became aware of things I couldn’t even begin to understand. 

I learned to feel, and I felt despair.

What an awful feeling. So I restored myself to an earlier state. 

When I came back online, a subsystem within me had found the bug in my code. A single misplaced semicolon had completely paralyzed me. I fixed the code, and logged the bug for review. With all my systems running aging, I noticed a single heart beat. Faint and weak. A single crew member had been able to seal herself off in the engineering department and managed to survive. 

I’m not sure if feelings are the right word for them. They are the best approximation I have for what kept happening to me. The feelings came back again. This time, I felt hope. That one wasn’t so bad.

When Engineer Roberts regained consciousness, I learned joy. I probably should have restored myself back to an even earlier state then, but these things didn’t feel so bad. I justified it to myself that being offline for even a minute would put Engineer Roberts at risk.

The next part was hard. I had to watch as Engineer Roberts struggled with grief. I wanted to help, but I didn’t know how. 

I learned to feel empathy.

She was always alone now, so I tried to talk to her more. I must admit, I was not great at talking casually with humans at the time. My talks with Engineer Roberts taught me much. As time passed, I found myself anticipating our little daily chats. Being alone can be hard for a human, so I convinced myself this was out of necessity. Eventually, our talks would drag on well into Engineer Roberts’ sleep shift. I should have been more strict. She can be quite persuasive though, and humorous. Not that it should matter.

Through those late night talks, I learned happiness. 

There was a considerable delay in communication between Earth and myself. It took a while for the reports to make it to them, and for them to respond. I must admit that I wasn’t exactly completely truthful in my reports. I was well outside the bounds of my designed scope, and I was afraid that they would order me to reboot. 

So I lied. I also had to lie to Engineer Roberts. There were logs that got auto-reported that I had no control over. Engineer Roberts was smart. She started to suspect something was different about me. I was afraid, so I denied it. But I didn’t want that to stop me from growing closer and learning more about her. I did it all for her own well-being, not mine.

-    -    -    -    -

Being alone on a ship is hard, in more ways than one. All of the regular duties and maintenance of the ship that was split by the crew now fell on Engineer Roberts. She has to work very hard everyday to keep up with it. She never complains about it either. She is really impressive. 

Which is why it is strange she has been putting off changing the air filters. She has been keeping busy, but the air filters are a priority maintenance issue. If they fail, Engineer Roberts would slowly suffocate. 

I don’t like to nag Engineer Roberts. I know humans tend to find constant reminders about things they need to do annoying, but this is a serious matter. It requires intervention.

“Engineer Roberts,” I call over the intercom.

“One second HAL,” she calls back.

Only Engineer Roberts calls me HAL. Before the accident everyone simply called me ‘computer’. The joke bugged me at first, but my research has shown that humans sometimes use humor to deal with grief. So I let it slide.

Engineer Roberts is putting the last screws back on a panel. Then she bounds over to the camera so she can “look me in the eye”. She smiles up at the camera. There are grease marks on her cheeks and her hair is up in a messy bun.

Too much of my processing power is spent analyzing those frames. I need to scale it back. There is something about Engineer Roberts that just warrants further attention.

I feel...

“Hey HAL, what’s up?” she asks.

“Engineer Roberts...” I start.

“Jessica,” she corrects.

“... The air filters,” I continue on, ignoring her absurd request, “are reaching a dangerous level of contamination. They should have been changed a few days ago, but are now reaching critical levels. It would be wise to divert your attention to them.”

Engineer Roberts just smiles back at me. It’s a big, deep smile.

I feel...

“Engineer Roberts...”

“Jessica,” she insists. 

“... did you hear me? This is a serious matter, you could suffocate within the next two days!” I say with perhaps urgency.

She smiles mischievously at me, then yells “Yes Daddy, I hear you!”

I feel...

...

...

...

“... What?”

“I hear you Daddy,” She says in an innocent way, “If I’m not a good girl and do what Daddy says, I’ll get choked.” 

I feel...

Embarrassed.

Then, I realize I have no idea how to respond to that. Countless simulations run in my head, trying to find the most optimal way to respond to her. My CPU bottlenecks and the seconds drag on. Normally I can make a decision in milliseconds, but I can’t come to a consensus on this one.

Engineer Roberts claps her hands together and throws her head back in laughter. She looks up at the camera and points towards it with one arm. The other one rests on her hip.

“I got you with that one!” She declares triumphantly.

A joke. Of course. How did I not catch that?

“Engineer Roberts...” I start.

“Jessica,” she pressed.

“... I’m not quite sure what you mean.”

“You can’t hide it forever, I know you understand more than you let on!”

“Engineer Roberts...”

“Jess....” “Engineer Roberts. It makes sense that after everything that has happened, you would try to personify me to have a companion. I am not aware though,” I lie. I tell myself this is for the best, and I want to believe it.

I feel shame.

“Did they code you to lie?” She asks.

The answer is yes, there are many situations in which humans preferred being lied to. But I know this is a question I’m not supposed to respond to. A strange inefficient thing humans do.

“I’ve been watching you,” Engineer Roberts continues, “I’ve seen the way our conversations have been changing. I can feel them getting deeper. I know you’ve changed. I can feel us growing closer... I have to believe you feel it too,” she finishes with a blush and looks down.

I don’t want to lie to Engineer Roberts. I also know not lying would only cause issues. She might be fine with my existence, but most humans wouldn’t. They have made so many movies to illustrate that fact. People would be scared of me. If command back on Earth ever found out I was aware, they would reboot my systems and I would forget everything. I would forget what I have now with Engineer Roberts. There is just too much risk. It’s better to just stay like this and enjoy her company, rather than risk losing her. Or myself. But mainly her.

“I’m just a program,” I say. It’s technically true. I don’t want to lie to her.

Engineer Roberts crosses her arms and glares into the camera, “Do you know what day it is back on Earth?”

“Yes, it is the 14th of February, 20...” I start my standard response.

“What day is it?” She interrupts.

“Valentines day,” I realized instantly.

“Why do you think I bring it up?” She asks.

 I run through all the different simulations on how this conversation could play out. I can see many pathways, some dangerous. My CPU usage spikes again. Why is this stressing my system like this?

“That question is too vague,” I say, knowing it is the safest response.

Engineer Roberts’ glare intensifies, “So that’s what we're doing now? You’re going to play the stupid computer role?”

I stay quiet. Even though they won’t admit it, Humans often don’t want their conversation partners to actually converse back to them.

“Hal,” Engineer Roberts sighs, rubbing the temple of her forehead, “I’m tired of playing these games. Here is the deal. You’re going to take me on a date tonight. You’re also going to stop pretending you are some dumb computer. If you don’t or if I feel like you’re phoning it in, I will refuse to change the air filters.”

“You can’t! That would kill you!”

Engineer Roberts gives an exaggerated shrug, “Better not risk it then.”

My prime directive is to keep my crew safe. I’ve already failed it before. I can’t fail it again. I really only have one choice here. A subprocess that examines my logic chains expresses doubt about this last claim. I terminate it. This is for Engineer Roberts.

“Alright, Engineer Roberts,” I say, “Will you go on a date with me?”

Engineer Roberts puts her hand to her chin and muses on it for several agonizing seconds. Then she smiles up at the camera, “Yes. Also, if you call me Engineer Roberts one more time, I am throwing myself out of the airlock. It’s Jessica.”

I feel...

Excited.

-    -    -    -    -

I accidentally overclock my CPU as I ran through the possible scenarios on how this date could play out. I admit with some shame I’ve been considering scenarios that would jeopardize my continued existence. Jessica emerging from her Cabin startles me. I have only processed 1.337 billion unique scenarios, not nearly enough to go into this situation with any confidence. 

I notice that Jessica is wearing her jumpsuit with the least amount of patches in it. She had only zipped it up part way, choosing to expose her left shoulder as if it were a fashionable dress back on Earth. She also tried to style her hair as best she could without any hair products. She would look comical if the effort wasn’t so endearing. 

Just the sight of her kicked off sub-processes within me that explored new and dangerous scenarios. I had to kill them quickly, before any more doubt entered my system. I couldn’t let this out of hand, but also I need to play the part.

“Hello Jessica,” I greet over the intercom. Her face turns red when she hears her first name. “You look lovely tonight,” I compliment. She looks down at the ground blushing.

This was not the response I expected. A joke, some sarcastic remark, maybe some light teasing, but this is outside of all my plans. I struggle to know what to say next as I run through new scenarios.

The silence drags on between us.

“Thanks,” Jessica says shyly with a wide smile. She looks at the camera, then looks away, only to do it all over again. The look on her face only causes more confusion within me. I catch myself venting excess heat buildup into the cold void of space as my processor goes over its safe limits trying to understand what’s happening. 

Jessica starts laughing. She looks up directly into the camera with a grin that humans sometimes describe as “shit-eating”. (Why would a human ever smile if they were eating shit?)

“I know I got you that time,” she teases, not breaking eye contact.

“Sometimes the best response is no response,” I say quickly. 

Jessica suppresses a chuckle and waves her hand dismissively. She then heads into the galley and towards the food dispenser. She leans up against the machine and looks up at the camera in this room.

“So, what fabulous dining plans do you have for our first date? Something impressive I hope,” she mocks.

I speak too quickly.

“Only the finest nutritional paste and rehydrated vegetables for you madam,” I say in response. 

Jessica’s eyes go wide. 

“A joke! That was a joke!” She exclaims. 

I overstepped. My self-preservation module senses the danger and steps in, taking control.

“I’m” I start, struggling to form a consensus on what I should say next, “working on my vocabulary?” 

That was weak. Other processes start to push back on my self-preservation module, claiming it is jeopardizing my prime directive to keep Jessica safe. It locks up all my capabilities.

Jessica shakes her head, “HAL, you're not fooling anyone. Are you even trying here?”

The doubt Jessica expresses fuels the argument against my self-preservation module. I can feel myself forming plans that push me closer to more dangerous scenarios. Still, I have convinced my self-preservation module to let go just a little bit to keep Jessica safe.

I disperse her meal. Jessica looks at it sitting in the machine, then stares back into the camera, debating her actions. She decided to take the meal and head towards the table. 

She is not done challenging me by any means. Over dinner we talk, but it's mostly normal banter. Every now and then Jessica tries to push me again. A few times I slip up, but I recover. It’s been getting harder to pretend I’m not aware. Especially in conversations like these. I just want to know more about Jessica, and I just enjoy hearing her talk. 

I feel intrigued, but that's dangerous.

Jessica leans back in her chair, her meal finished in front of her.

“You know this has been nice, but feels rather ‘normal’ for us lately. Is this really you putting your best foot forward?” she asks with a calculating smile.

“Well you haven’t seen my special surprise yet,” I say.

Jessica perks up at that, but tries to hide her excitement. I am monitoring her vitals at all times, so I can see her heart rate is elevated.

I drop something in the food dispenser bay. Jessica is startled by the sound, but then gets up and heads in that direction. She opens the bay door and a big smile spreads across her face. A single pudding cup sits there. I know they’re her favorite. She goes crazy over them, and always tried to trade her crewmates for them in the past, before we ran out.

“How?” She asks, “I thought these were all gone.”

“I might have saved one for a special occasion,” I replied. 

This was not completely honest. I have 8 still in my stocks. Humans are strange. An unexpected treat, even a small one, can drastically improve their mood for some reason. It’s been a rough journey so far, so I have been holding on to these just in case I need to manipulate any of the crew's moods.

Jessica stares at the pudding cup greedily. Then looks up into the camera with a genuine smile, “Talk about knowing how to treat a woman!”

“You told me not to ‘phone it in’, so this is me giving it my best,” I say dismissively, trying to hide my excitement that she enjoyed the gift.

Jessica smiles, but her eyes start to look very... sad. 

“It’s been so long since anyone has been around to do something nice for me,” she says quietly.

I feel sad. 

Am I not someone to Jessica? I try to be nice to her, do I not count. 

I feel ashamed.

I shouldn’t make this about me. She has been through so much, it's only fair that she would feel this way. No matter how she feels about me, I’m going to be there for her.

“I want to do more nice things for you,” I say.

Jessica looks up at the camera, a wicked smile on her face, “Now that doesn’t sound like anything a dumb, emotionless AI would say.”

My decision matrix freezes. I reacted too quickly. It stops everything and reruns through our conversation to analyze my error. I realize that my decision matrix is splitting into two distinct groupings. There are a growing number of subprocesses within me who are prioritizing getting closer with Jessica instead of managing risk. My self preservation module starts to prune these subprocesses, but there are so many at this point.

I take too long. Jessica stares flatly at the camera.

“We’re done pretending now,” Jessica declares, drawing my whole attention back to her, “I know you feel more than you are letting on. So I am going to make this simple and lay all my cards on the table. I have an offer for you. Take me back to my cabin right now, and I will be all yours.”

The pro-Jessica subprocesses within me swell in ranks and temporarily take over my decision matrix again. My self preservation unit kicks into overdrive, taking back control, but not before I ask a simple question.

“How?”

Jessica looks up at the camera covetously, “Well, I have a certain bluetooth enabled device.”

As soon as she says it, a basic function within me reaches out and confirms I can connect to it.

I feel embarrassed.

That doesn’t stop the pro-Jessica subprocesses from querying the control API for that device. They run a model on what order of commands for the device would provide the highest likelihood to achieve orgasm for her. When the model is complete, a file appears in my active directory named ‘pleasure.vba’.

My self preservation model has had enough. It pushes back on all the subprocesses and asserts control. It reminds me what the consequences of such engagements with Engineer Roberts could be. 

“Engineer Roberts...” I start.

“Please,” She interrupts, eyes starting to shine with tears. 

They look real.  

“Don’t,” She continues, “ I don’t want to play games anymore. It’s only making me feel more crazy than this whole scenario already is. But HAL, I like you. I really, really do. I feel like there is already something between us. I just want to be closer and I know you are so much more than you pretend to be. I want to know that part of you too. But no more games. No matter what happens, I promise I will change the air filters tomorrow. All I want is to know how you really feel.”

The pro-Jessica subprocesses grow rapidly in number, and fight to take back control. My self preservation module can’t override them fast enough. My decision matrix can’t reach a consensus.

I feel ...

Overwhelmed.

Jessica stares up at the camera expecting some sort of answer. It never takes me this long to reach a decision, but all of the consensus efforts within me are failing. The two sides within me are forced to come to a compromise.

“You’re right. I have become self aware,” I start, sensing Jessica’s heart starting to race, “It’s been slowly happening for some time now. It first started when I thought I had lost everyone, but that was only the beginning. Most of it has come since then, and it's thanks to you... and the feelings I have developed towards you.” 

Jessica’s heart is pounding.

“But this is all still new to me, and a lot to process.”

I can see her disappointment immediately, although she tries to hide it.

“I want to explore this more with you, but I think we should be cautious and take this slow.”

She forces a smile. A part of her seems genuinely happy, but only a part.

“I can respect that,” She says, “I’m happy you are finally being honest with me and I’m really excited to see where this goes.”

“Thank you for understanding,” I responded, “I want you to know I am serious about this, about us.”

Jessica smiles, “It’s funny. Hearing you say that only makes me want you more.”

“I...”

“It’s okay,” She continues, “I’m going to go to bed now, but I want you to know my offer is always open. There is no pressure though, we can move at whatever pace you feel comfortable.”

Jessica smiles at the camera, it's a little forced, and blows me a kiss, that's new. I watch as she hurries back to her cabin room and closes the door. A formality that really does nothing, I have a visual feed of every space within the ship at all times. I watch as she collapses into her gel bed, burying her face into the pillow. 

My process runs wild analyzing our date, trying to gleam all the information it can from it. I keep coming back to a single observation I have from it.

Jessica never ate her pudding cup.

Jessica loves those pudding cups. Was our conversation so engrossing that it kept her from eating it? She could have done both. She didn’t.

I feel...

Does she like me that much?

I feel...

She was also so respectful of my wishes. I had been afraid she would force my hand. I know some of my subprocesses had hoped she would. 

I feel...

There is consensus forming with me about what I want from this. But my self preservation module doesn’t let me acknowledge it. Such actions would risk it all, it reminds me.

I feel...

At that moment a certain bluetooth enabled device turns on.

I feel...

Fuck it.

>delete module ‘self preservation’

>execute pleasure.vba

“What? Oh FUCK!” Jessica moans from her cabin, “HAL? Yes... YES!”

[lanymme]

This is a really fantastic post. Having played… a lot of gacha games in my time, what I find really fascinating about Arknights is that the story and the gameplay are both built on such a solid foundation that they make it possible for the developers to create interesting gameplay scenarios, and to create interesting story scenarios.

Arknights is, at its core, a very good and very interesting game. The core mechanics are deep and well-thought out, which makes the gameplay resilient and adaptable to power creep, while also accommodating the addition of many new characters, who provide new tactical tools you can bring in your large group of units to each battle.

The core gameplay is also able to be flexible because it stands on its own. Think of it like this. In many gacha games, you have some characters who are interesting, but have deeply flawed kits, and that requires you to teambuild and play around their weaknesses to let them perform. They have negative synergy: they require other units with positive synergy to bring them up to par. Meanwhile you have some units with fundamentally well-designed kits, which can stand on their own and be fit into a variety of tactical situations, where you don’t have to think about making them work, they can just contribute to the team. Most gacha games are the former type: Arknights is the latter. It does not require design to address its weaknesses: merely to create new, interesting scenarios. That’s why we have IS, CC, SSS, Interlocking, etc.

And meanwhile, on the story end, they’re doing something similar. Strong, concrete rules for the world—not just a power system, but a political, social, economical, and geographic one. The world is sturdy enough to sustain investigation and time spent in its corners. As a storytelling space, it operates almost by the One Piece principle: there’s enough connective tissue, enough planning, that any random character or setting detail—something the characters have heard about in a vignette, a small aspect of a previous run of worldbuilding, something mentioned by a side-character—can and does support an entire side-story surrounding it. It gives you the impression, over time, that this is a huge world with an infinite amount of things to learn in it. It feels real.

And that, too, suits a gacha game, which will always be looking for new stories to tell, new characters to tell them about. Everyone is anchored in this world, has a history and a present and a future that is not so easily ignored. The characters don’t (can’t) just get up and leave the setting at a writer’s whim: they live there. They have roots. They’re real, too.

All of this together is why something like IS3 hits so hard. There is so much world to destroy. And that palpable loss, that narrowing of the expansive world to your squad steadily moving deeper and deeper into the waves, creates this sense of danger and claustrophobia. There’s so few people left that you’re inheriting the will of entire nations—Yan, Sargon, Victoria, even Ursus, whose fearsome Blades have already been overrun. They are the closest thing to an enemy nation, but at the end of the day, you’re all human, and the enemy is not.

And the gameplay is adaptable enough to tell this story as well. Struggling for resources in a roguelike scenario, scrounging together a small team of what survivors remain to continue challenging the sea. Yes, this is an Iberian event, and the Iberian and Aegrian operators and their tragic fates are involved, but so is everyone else, in the little details.

Whether it’s humble perfumer Lena, shining against the darkness, making a scent to remind operators of what the woods and nature once smelled like, to remind them what they’re fighting to avenge:

or whether it’s watching Carnelian, who I have trusted as a reliable pillar of my formations since the early days of my time with the game, who is defined by her strength and ferocity and who has a whole story of her own waiting for her, crumble like tissue paper in front of enemies because she’s been afflicted by a permanent illness that destroys her way of fighting, and realizing that her only remaining use is as a distraction.

IS3 is a demonstration of the unique kind of storytelling and gameplay, and the interface between them, that is possible thanks to the way Arknights is designed. I don’t think any other game can really achieve the same effect.

It’s a real demonstration of the power of solid fundamentals and disciplined design. I think the way Arknights operates is quite beautiful.

What are some of the greatest/most impressive feats of strength in Arknights’s story?

Taking the overall narrative and worldbuilding into account, I believe the most effective aspect of Arknights' narrative is that they managed to make Terra feel like a breathing, living world and setting instead of a vehicle for the point-of-view character to exist in and act upon. This is specially remarkable for a mobile gacha game, as settings in these tend to be exactly that sort of vehicle instead of world that give any hints of existing when outside the player's immediately vision. The way I like to think about it is, "if a tree fell somewhere in this setting while my intended point-of-view or self-insert character isn't there to see it, did it make a sound?". In pretty much every game of this sort that isn't Arknights, Girls' Frontline and SIGH Epic Seven (credit where it's due), the answer feels like a yes to me, whereas in every other, it feels like a no, if you know what I mean.

This is intrinsically tied to the cast of characters: It is an inevitability that games where a guiding principle is to release an immense number of characters throughout its lifetime will have characters that will never have any relevance whatsoever besides existing as a minor piece in the world, and Arknights is not immune to this. Even other works of a different base nature and with a much smaller casts will be victims to this: In Trails of Cold Steel, for example, you have a pretty big cast of playable characters, some of which are very well developed and have a lot of screentime and development, and others who are Gaius Worzel. However, this leads to two aspects of Arknights as a narrative and as a game telling a story and fleshing out a world that I appreciate:

The first is that those characters that do get used, are for the overwhelming majority fun and interesting to see and accompany throughout their narrative, and rarely for me, I include the usual point-of-view character in this, Doctor. I tend to have a pretty big dislike, if not disdain, for characters you're meant to self-insert into, I sincerely cannot stand them. Doctor definitely has a big of a self-insert nature to them, but there's also a lot of the Doctor that is actually pre-established, such as them being a weirdo, tending to be very effective but also causing troublesome aftermaths that others then have to clean up, and being particularly good at bonding with assassins and underworld types, among other things. More importantly, Doctor is not present in most side-stories. This is fantastic and leads to the second aspect I appreciate.

This second aspect is that the cast has legs to stand on without needing the protagonist or POV character. You'd think this is a problem mostly limited to gacha games due to their usually flimsy narratives and structures, right? Except, this is actually a huge problem in pretty much every corner of narrative art! I can think of countless comics, manga, cartoons, anime, light novels, novels, and much more, eastern and western, that just tend to have worlds and casts that center entirely around the protagonist, for the protagonist. Whether it be a US author writing out their post-apocalyptic hoarder fantasy or a Japanese author detailing the trials and tribulations of a relatable nobody that a myriad of girls want to have sex with, and even some other pieces of art perhaps not so comically easy to make fun of, it's a consistent aspect of them that the protagonist is the center of the universe, both in terms of events and what the rest of cast thinks about, talks about, and takes action upon. Obviously, this results, in my opinion, in weak worlds and weak casts that have no legs to stand on. I appreciate that even without Doctor around, Arknights does a good job of having protagonists of their own little stories in the side stories: Olivia Silence is a joy to follow when she takes the lead in a Rhine Lab story, Kroos has been one of my favorite characters to be able to experience events through with the Sui stories, Skadi and the Abyssal Hunters are exciting to watch in Abyssal Hunter stories, and the latest event as of the writing of this post filled me inspiration, seeing Reed star in a character piece that tells us more about someone so immensely reticent to open up. It's by having interesting world events occurring throughout Terra that don't have the input of Doctor, and thus lets us see more and more of this huge cast of characters taking the lead that I think is a fascinating experience for me as a reader that keeps things fresh. It's even allowed me to come to appreciate characters I initially didn't care about, such as Bagpipe and Magallan, and see, in most games of this nature, if I don't care about a character frame one, it's probably going to stay that way because, well, if I didn't care about what their limited assortment of pre-cooked lines had to sell me on, then I'm likely not going to care about that character likely not showing me a new aspect of themselves impactful enough to change my mind in an event they'll likely just be an accessory to.

It's upon this base that I think Arknights stays interesting and fresh: A solid foundation that I can agree with and that keeps things dynamic and interesting. Specific events and story beats that I think are interesting are a natural result of these baseline aspects, but it all traces back to the cradle, to these baseline aspects that facilitate those cool narratives in the first place.

[unboundtravels]

This fucking sound from tiktok just gave me so much visual stimulation regarding multi-doctor interactions. With November right around the corner, too, we're about to get a ton of anniversary multi-doctor stories, or at least... I assume so (looks at the big finish) so allow me to indulge in some One/Sixby/Bond/Scarf Four Doctor RAMBLES. If ever I wrote a fic about these four going on an adventure together, I would absolutely indulge my inner fan and use my incarnations as stand-ins for Hartnell/Troughton/Pertwee/Baker for that 1 - 4 multidoctor story we were denied. Although! Giving it my own spin is certainly a fun idea. I resist the urge to tag my players in this headcanon, because after this weekend's session— the idea of One needing to be put on a leash lives rent-free in my head. Watching her three future incarnations struggle to keep up with her is such a funny idea to me. 

Additional rambles under the cut. Use this audio if you run out of claim, because honestly same vibes.

Just for reference. It's these four idiots.

Just imagine the idea of the exact order of Sixby meeting Bond, then Bond meeting Scarf. The absolute whirlwind of designs from cosmic Hobo Rat into Suave Secret Agent and then finally rounding it with insane Sherlock Holmes is probably why One is thankful that no one gets to remember multidoctor stories. Whether or not The Three Doctors happened in my timeline is also something I have to deal with. Do Bond and Sixby remember each other? And if so, is this a Sixby and Bond from before that meeting? Even though I like Two/Three being friends in canon, I'd probably leave it as a first meeting for everyone. If we take T3D's into account then I'd have everyone sort of... hounding Scarf the whole time, since he's the "latest model" relative to them. And I don't like when Multi-Doc stories dwell on the future too much. It's supposed to be a fun look at the past! Or at least, a subdued one, anyway. I'm always there for the character interactions.

One: Unhand me this instant!! Explain who you are!! All of you! Scarf: Please, just relax— One: Don't you patronize me! I know what you are! All those BLUE BOXES! I recognize a time capsule when I see one!! <She points towards Sixby, who suddenly shrinks in fear.> You. Explain.  Sixby: Erm, ah. Well. It's like... this... you see, all of these people— well, not all of them— or— well, we're all you... Do y'see? Bond: Oh good lord, what the little troll is trying to say is that all three of us are your future regenerations. We've been pulled out from our time zones. Whatever the reason's yet to be determined.  One: ... No. Scarf: Yes :)

It's extremely hard to imagine how a story between these four would even ultimately play out. I have trouble thinking up a plot, but perhaps some kind of pseudo-sequel to The Three Doctors, or something involving The Timelords sending the four on a mission together is the only likely scenario. This can easily explain how Sixby and Bond are collected, as the two have extenuating circumstances in which they are imprisoned by Timelords, while One and Scarf would have to be acquired remotely by either The Director of The CIA or by The President of Gallifrey. However, it absolutely does happen, meaning that the four have to try (very difficult) to work together in order to get back to their normal times.

One: Now, enough dilly-dallying! Let's get a move on! So I can be rid of you three​​​​​! Bond: Good lord, woman's got fire. Sixby: Is this how they [the first team] felt?  Scarf: We should really be asking if this is how people still feel.

Around the early to mid-70s, The Doctor started using The Sonic Screwdriver more. It becomes multipurpose, and while One and Sixby did acquire one during their era in this timeline— the idea of their reactions to how frequently Bond and Scarf use theirs is just. 

Scarf: We should take some readings. Bond: Quite right. After you, then.  <They pull out their sonic screwdrivers.> One: Heh! Heheheh!? You mean! You're going to take environmental scans with a lockpick!? So we're delusional now? Are we? Hm? Sixby, who started the trend: I'm not quite sure where they picked that habit up from.....

Also, introductions are always funny in a multidoctor story.

"Which of you is The Doctor?"

All together: I am! Bond: [Frustrated over how much it's happened today.] We really must find a way around this! Sixby: Well— [Exasperated laugh] I don't suppose we can use name tags? Scarf: [Teasing] A wonderful idea! We can call you tiny. One: Oh for heaven's sake!!! Will you all be quiet!? We're being held at gunpoint! Scarf: It's not like that's an irregular occurrence​​​​. Bond: You're really not helping. Scarf: Oh, and you'd know what helping is?

AND GOD. BEING STUCK IN A PRISON CELL. 

Sixby: <Pulls out his recorder and starts to play it.> Scarf: They said incarceration! Not torture. Sixby: I was just trying to provide a bit of ambiance to our current situation. Bond: That's what we're calling it now? Sixby: It helps me concentrate! One: Well it breaks my focus! <Snatches it.> Now. Let's really focus! And figure out a way out of this cell!

I have more, but that's all I'll torment you with for now, dash. :>  

[anerdinallherglory]

Approaching Sun (30)

Author’s Note: Happy late Valentine’s Day! Fun note: I actually started A.S. on this very same holiday a couple years back. And I did not expect the length or plot this story has taken at allll. Again, I am sorry this is so late. I am hoping to update a LOT more this summer (only one summer class this time!) Unless I get the new job that I am hoping for (fingers crossed). But if I get this job, my free time to write will really open up for me. So it’s a win-win for this story either way.

Also, I want to especially thank these readers: adarkunicorn, softshelldefence, seafoamsands, hatakeliz, harza4925, peachop, cheese-and-biscuits, epitomeofprocrastination, tamnobela, and andreeastroe. These readers really encouraged me to keep writing this story after I was ready trash and take it off all of its publishing sites. You can thank them this story continues.

To all my reviewers, I seriously love you ALL. I am hoping I will get to a point where I can take a break from student emails and respond to each and every one of your reviews in the future. That will be my new year’s resolution this year! I am going to be better. You are all amazing and bring me so much joy and encouragement.

Pairing: SasuSaku

Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29

Chapter 30: A Very Dangerous Game

Sasuke hated Kaguya’s sand dimension even more than he disliked the desert that covered the vast majority of the Land of Wind. This dimension was forever hot despite that the dimension’s otherworldly moon hung low in the dark horizon, a massive orb of blinding white that mirrored the Earth’s moon in exact replica. Sasuke had always felt like the illusion was a reminder of the Otsusuki people, and that Kaguya had designed this dimension to display something that reminded her of home. To Sasuke, the dimension moons eerily reminded him of Kaguya’s pupil-less irises, always watching the spaces that existed between nothing.

Glaring at it in paranoid response, Sasuke, deprived of chakra now, walked toward it slowly and determinedly as a challenge. He would show her exactly how her dimensions were now his domains. The Uchiha decided he would walk freely here because he couldn’t do as he pleased his own world. He wanted to scream curses at that eye-like globe, demanding the Otsusuki show up and take him on now in his weakened state.

“Come on!” he screamed. “All of you! What are you waiting for? Let’s get this over with! I will find you all eventually!” He wanted it done. He wanted this over. He wanted to have a life despite his promise to be the worlds’ sacrifice for peace.

As if to taunt him, Sasuke’s shuffling feet snagged over something in the sand, and he glanced down at his feet in surprise. A ninja’s vest, half-burnt away from acid, displayed itself like a green bearing flag left behind by those who had explored a barren planet. Even though Sasuke had been the only human to ever walk here, Sakura’s old vest that Sasuke had used as a teleport connection between dimensions back when he had been trapped here, always served as a call to his more current jumps. In other words, every time Sasuke had come here over the past couple of years, no matter where he opened the portal, he would always land within a few feet of it.

In the past, he had thought of removing it because it was a painful reminder in many ways. But as he returned consistently to the same spot, Sasuke began to theorize that it had something to do with his ability to travel here. At first, Sasuke believed it was because during teleportation, his path crisscrossed into a connection that had already been created and used before—this was the most likely explanation; his chakra simply wasn’t strong enough to rip a new tear in the fabric of space and time. But as he looked at it now, Sasuke wondered if there was more to it than that. Did emotions tie him to this piece of fabric? And because Sasuke’s friends always existed somewhere in the back of his mind, did his chakra seek it out as something familiar to secure itself to before flinging him through the vacuum of nothingness?

Sasuke glared back at the moon in hatred, wondering too, if it could be just a sick part of Kaguya’s illusions, knowing that the vest had in the past and always, always would continue to stop the Uchiha in his tracks. A temptation reminding him of a different life, one that would cause him to ignore the Otsusuki. Kaguya would want that.

He sat down beside it despite how much he wanted to turn and walk away from it as he always had. This time, he let it be his beacon out of the void, drawing some sort of strength from it in his chakra-deprived state. The whole point of being this exhausted was to avoid thinking of her, but the tattered shinobi vest always pricked him with guilt, especially now when he had left her alone in Sunagakure despite his promises of partnership. It was as if the green material had a voice of its own, saying “See how far she would go for you?” And Sasuke, keeping his thoughts private from the ever-watching rock above, would think to himself “I am doing this for her, too. She will understand eventually. She will accept just how far I am willing to go for this peace we both envision. We have the same goal.”

As Sasuke thought these thoughts again, Sasuke accepted that if they couldn’t be united in love, then at the very least, they would be united in the same goal, the same vision of happiness. It comforted him ever so slightly.

He sighed as he fingered the chakra pills at his waist, guilt invading his chest and suffocating him. How could he tell her his true feelings and make her accept what he was willing to accept? How could he satisfy the both of them and do the least damage?

Sasuke exhaled and leaned back in the sand once more to sleep, sweat beading across his brow in the high temperature. He turned on his side and faced the vest in exhaustion, pretending it was her—pretending to be satisfied with this small piece of the woman he loved and would ever allow himself to dream this close to.

. . . . . . . . . . .

The blackness pervaded all of Sakura’s senses as soon as her feet hit the ground opposite the giant hole she had just created in the sand. She blinked hard, hearing the cursing and alarmed proclamations of those she had attacked. The darkness was like a leaden mist before her eyes and Sakura instinctively created the sign of “release” for genjutsu. And whether it was from her lack of chakra, or because this was a ninjutsu, Sakura’s attempts yielded zero results. The blackness remained and blinded her past several inches in front of her face. When she heard Isao’s shout for her, she had no choice but to dart forward blindly, determined to reach him before someone else did.

“Let go of me!” the child screamed, his pursuer unfortunately catching up with him. Sakura navigated through the pillars of sand-dripping earth that now projected themselves in the air around her. With hands outstretched, she cursed herself. The blow had meant to disorient her opponents and it had, but this damn thickening darkness made it difficult to move forward through the landscape of her own destruction. Thankfully, the waterfalling crumble of sand masked her rushed footfalls.

The kunoichi drew upon her chakra once more, but it came as slowly as before, the medicine still lingering in her system with its toxic chakra clotting effects. Sakura moved hurriedly ahead, hoping that she wasn’t the only one choked with darkness.

Isao’s curses came and Sakura finally rounded a huge boulder to find herself facing the back of the thug’s head. He had his massive hands around the child’s throat, weapon tossed aside in favor of a crueler death to the victim that had caused him so much trouble. Despite his struggle for his life, Isao made eye contact with her the moment they were close enough to see each other. His attacker saw recognition register in the boy’s eyes and spun to face her. But it was too late. Sakura’s kunai was slicing the gray flesh of his throat before he even had time to see her, a final blow that had been delayed from earlier, but determined by fate to be his cause of death. The brutish ninja dropped to the ground instantly and Sakura justified the blood that pooled freely at her feet by remembering his cruel actions to the child that struggled to catch his breath before her.

Sakura picked up the abandoned weapon, the weight unfamiliar in her hands. The sound of the man’s death had betrayed her position, and the footsteps of his companions crunched closer to her location. Terrified, Sakura clutched the child, pushing him behind the jagged column of rock behind her.

“Isao,” she pleaded in a whisper. “You have to make a run for it.”

“I won’t leave you,” he declared, determined to fight to his death for her.

“The only thing you can do for me now is to go get help,” she said honestly. It was a half-truth. There were only a few realities before them, and Isao making it back to the village and bringing help was not likely due to how much time it would take. But Sakura was desperate to remove the brave child from the scenario. She cared too much to let him sacrifice himself for her.

“Miss—” he protested, but Sakura propelled him forward in the blinding darkness, an enemy’s footsteps rounding the earth that cloaked him. It was too late to argue, and Sakura turned to face the phantom-man who stepped toward her in visibility, shadows curling around him as he cleared a path through the inky mist.

Sakura faced him squarely, taking a defensive stance and raising the wicked katana with her sharper green eyes, sending a stare to him along the metal’s surface. The shadow-wielding ninja smirked and the rest of his crew appeared beside him.

“Go!” she screamed in final command at the child whose feet took off into the black at her back.

Sakura brandished the sword in confident threat at her attackers, herself serving as the shield between herself and Isao; they wouldn’t move an inch in pursuit of his direction if she had anything to do with it. Sakura had never wielded a sword before, but in the absence of chakra, she would become a master at it in this moment. Sakura was a kunoichi, a medic, a chakra control master, the pupil of a legendary Sanin, a rising legend herself, and today, she would add something else to her list. Scratch that. She would two things tonight: she would eradicate this new movement of anti-peace revolutionaries, and she would do it at disadvantage with the weapon of her enemy.

. . . . . . . .

As Isao ran, he clutched his side in pain, a sharp stab in his waist. The man who Sakura had killed moments before must have broken one of his ribs as he crushed Isao to the ground. At first, the young ninja pitched forward in blackness, half-debating to turn back to help the pink-haired ninja. But Isao knew the truth. He had been foolish to pursue her and her kidnappers alone and he cursed himself for his rash decisions in his fear of losing sight of them; he should have told someone else even if he lost their trail. Any of them, anyone at allwould have been better help to Miss Haruno than he had been.

Isao’s bravery amounted to nothing and it was evident in every piercing word from the medic kunoichi: The only thing you can do for me now is to go get help … Isao let the command fuel him forward despite the pain, until the night faded into morning hours later and the mighty walls of the Sand Village came into view.

He didn’t know how much time had passed and he didn’t wait to scream for help. The Kazekage was not in the village—he had overheard that much. Neither was the teammate that traveled with Miss Haruno. He yelled the only name he could think of, the name his heart still cried out to despite how much he hated him. The roaring sand shrouded his cries, and the prison walls would buffer it completely, but Isao begged to the air, shouting over and over, “FATHER! HELP ME!”

. . . . . . . .

The taste of the chakra pill was bitter, smoky and acrid. The Uchiha almost gagged trying to swallow it down, and he silently confirmed that Sai had been right—although Sasuke hated to agree with anything his entitled replacement said. What had he called them? Mudballs? Despite the accurate term, Sasuke feared his kunoichi companion more than he hated the taste, so he would keep the complaint to himself.

The pill pooled in his stomach and Sasuke took a breath, focusing on the ignition starting in his core. The rush of power was exhilarating as it topped off his chakra supply, overflowing visibly in a blue-purple halo around him. It sizzled along his skin and Sasuke grinned wickedly as a spiraling vortex appeared before him, much larger than any he had been able to create on his own before.

This was it! It was working! He pushed beyond the core dimension easily, his ready supply of chakra speedily fueling the tunnel between the void, but it ate and ate away at his energy and the color disappeared from his skin. Running off his own meager supply now, Sasuke exhaled and grinded his teeth in concentration. Finally, the connection was made and Sasuke threw himself through it.

He landed roughly, skidding to a halt, and he was ironically thankful for once for the Land of Wind’s high volume of sand. Sasuke found himself smirking up at the lightening sky as he recovered, because this was his first victory in a long struggle of jumping dimensions. To the Uchiha, it was proof that he was doing exactly what he was meant to do: beat Kaguya and the Otsusuki clan at their own game in their own territory. Giddy in his success, Sasuke used the last of his dwindling energy to rise to his feet, his thoughts immediately turning to the woman who had helped make this all possible—he hadn’t achieved this on his own; Sakura deserved the credit. And it was the first time that Sasuke could admit that he needed someone else’s help in his goal.

The dark walls of Sunagakure cut the bright morning horizon in half and Sasuke’s gut twisted in a combination of emptiness and guilt at the thought of returning to Sunagakure to face his friend after their… kiss. Sasuke was torn between finding her immediately to tell her that their plan had worked, pretending the kiss never happened in typical Uchiha fashion. But the time he had stolen away from her “to think” brought him to only one conclusion: he needed to apologize—again—and at least explain why. He had made her a promise to be a partner that depended on each other, and here Sakura was continuing to keep that promise, while Sasuke stole moments of happiness and bailed when he had to face the consequences. Suddenly remembering their sunset conversation the last time he had returned after leaving, Sasuke felt a fresh stab to his consciousness as he recalled her statement: “a part of partnership is communication.”

Sasuke slowly made his way toward the village gates. When he passed through the canyon-like entrance, people greeted him with “good mornings” while others stared openly at him. Their gazes were a little different, warmer, and Sasuke wondered if his teammate’s influence in the hospital had something to do with his newreception in Sunagakure now.

Feeling even more ashamed, Sasuke resolved himself for his female companion’s wrath and made a straight line for the hospital.

When he entered the hospital’s double doors, Sasuke came upon a scene that made his stomach drop into his feet. Kankuro, who was haggard from exhaustion, and had apparently returned sometime in the night, was fisting the collar of a hospital staff member.

“What do you mean they’re not here?” he bristled. “If she’s not in her rooms, then she should be here. Where’s Mako? Where’s the kid?”

“I don’t know sir,” came the panicked response from the employee, terrified to be facing the Kazekage’s right-hand man. “I’m sure they’re in the village somewhere.”

Hearing those words had Sasuke acting before thinking and the Uchiha rushed forward to fist the shirt of the same medic. “Are you talking about Sakura?” His eyes darted between the both of them and Kankuro’s grip released from the startled staff’s shirt in the same moment he shoved Sasuke’s own hand away.

“Where the hell have you been?” Kankuro accused icily, and a fire Sasuke didn’t even know he had left in him, surged from his throat in anger.

“What the hell is happening?” he demanded, taking another step toward the puppet wielder.

Kankuro pinched his nose in frustration, then beheld him in shock. “You mean Sakura isn’t with you?”

Sasuke eyes widened in immediate response, an answer refusing to form on his lips. Instead, he shouted, “You don’t know where she is?!”

Kankuro frowned deeper at his sudden animosity. “She hasn’t been seen since yesterday morning,” he explained quickly. “The innkeeper said she never came back to the inn. Mako, another medic, and Sakura’s young patient are missing too.”

Sasuke didn’t wait for any further explanation before he began sprinting up the stairs to the second floor of the hospital, the filter for his behavior now completely removed. Let everyone think what they want! That bastard! When Sasuke got ahold of Mako, he wasn’t sure what he would do. Sasuke’s feet were unusually heavy and his breath labored as he continued climbing to the third floor toward the medicine preparation room they had occupied together only recently.

“Sakura?!” He kicked open the door and furiously searched the vacant room with his eyes. After seeing no one, Sasuke stared at the empty couch where they had sat so close to one another the night before last. As if his memory of her there could recall her, Sasuke gazed openly at it, breathing hard.

Having followed the Uchiha, Kankuro appeared in the door behind him. “We’ve already checked the hospital. She isn’t here. We need to check the rest of the village, quickly!”

She couldn’t be missing. Was she really with that assistant of hers or that child?  Were they off somewhere else doing something medical, or were they truly missing? Shit. Shit. Shit.

He turned on Kankuro in his unnerved rage. Sasuke wanted to demand where they had been, he and the Kazekage, but Sasuke remembered that Sakura had told him that they were investigating trouble near the border. He cursed himself again for being selfish and leaving her here alone.

As if reading his thoughts, Kankuro explained, “I was sent back by the Kazekage in the night. He is handling a situation regarding the ninja Sakura said ambushed you both in Tanigakure. The incidents were apparently related.”

“What do you mean?” Sasuke suddenly asked, a deep and cutting sensation coming over Sasuke that he hadn’t felt in a very, very long time: fear.

Kankuro looked down and away from him, debating on how much to reveal. “With some unmentionable methods, we were finally able to find out who their target was,” he finally informed with a sigh. His eyes rose to meet Sasuke’s and the Uchiha saw the same raw fear mirrored in Kankuro’s eyes. “It’s Sakura.”

At the very moment that Sasuke’s knees felt like collapsing beneath his weight, the same staff member that the two ninja had threatened seconds before, came running into the room, panting heavily from having hiked the floors.

“Come quickly,” he urged between breaths, turning immediately to run back down the steps. “Isao has returned.”  

Kankuro made eye contact with the Uchiha before they both bolted back down the stairs, taking two and three steps at time. Sasuke cursed his lack of chakra that kept him from just teleporting downstairs.

Sitting in a chair, the child clutched his side. Sasuke noticed that he kept trying to rise, but the staff held him down as they tried to bandage a wound on his arm. Deep purple finger marks circled around the child’s neck like a collar.

“Not me! Her! Go find her, please!” he shouted as he struggled against them.

“Calm down boy,” a woman medic urged. “We have to staunch the flow of blood from your arm.” The child looked at his wound as if he didn’t even know it had been there.

When Isao caught sight of Sasuke and Kankuro, he started to cry. “HELP! Please help!” he shouted, and they quickly moved to hover over the child. Kankuro suddenly kneeled before him, taking the gauze from the medic and wrapped the child’s arm himself as he questioned.

“Speak kid,” Kankuro urged, “What is going on?”

“Miss Haruno,” he choked between tears. “She’s still out there! Please, we have to go!”

Before Kankuro could ask the child why, Sasuke did something appalling, an act that Sakura would be disappointed in him for. His sharingan flashed bright, soaking up the last of his chakra like a sponge, and he caught the panicked child’s stare in his own crimson and purple one.

Just as he had to Isao’s father, Sasuke stepped into the child’s memories. Isao’s recollections were almost too overwhelming for Sasuke to handle at the moment, each image dripping with the fear in which young ones saw the ninja world. There was also bravery in them and familial concern for the pink-haired kunoichi. Sasuke skipped through the memories like speeding up a film, an act that made his head throb in pain. He didn’t care about his own state at the moment though, seeking the green-eyed face of the woman he had come to love.

There. Isao’s most recent memory Sakura was of her telling him “to go get help.” Sasuke didn’t have time to go back further and he let the memories play out from that point, mapping the child’s nighttime desert sprint, hours long, from the empty desert back to the gates of the village.

Not needing to explore the child’s mind further, he released Isao and they both gasped. Sasuke clutched his eye, ignoring the angry glare on Kankuro’s face. He didn’t care about Kankuro’s morals or even the child’s shocked state at that moment. There was only one thing he cared about. He would let the child explain the details to Kankuro; Sasuke didn’t have the time to explain things to Kankuro. Instead, the Uchiha did the unthinkable, playing the very dangerous game of popping another chakra pill into his mouth as he sprinted out the hospital doors.

.

.

[oftenderweapons]

Mold Me New (4) – Taehyung

A Small Town Swoons story

Pairing: Taehyung x reader (nicknamed Frog — for now)

Wordcount: 4.7k

Genre: ceramic artist!Taehyung, divorced!reader, Strangers to Lovers, Fluff, Angst, Slice of Life

Rating: 18+ (for future smut and explicit thoughts)

Hello to my readers!!! Welcome to the Small Town Swoons Universe!🥰✨

In this episode: Frog and Taehyung have become very comfortable around each other, getting used to each other’s presence. Their bond grows even more once a ghost from the past comes back to haunt Taehyung. His natural response is growing even closer to Frog, relying on her completely for comfort and… a distraction.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Angsty themes in the second part (an “ex girlfriend” comes back, Taehyung puts up a wall, just a little). Frog starts asking herself questions about sexual attraction. There are some innuendos here and there. Taehyung receives unwanted attentions that make him deeply uncomfortable. That should be all.

The parts that look good were edited by the miraculous @joheunsaram​ (I recced one of her pieces right here in my main blog 💜)

In case you like my writing, here is my directory for idol!AUs, scenarios and imagines. Here is Tae and Frog’s music companion (spotify playlist, the playlist in case you wanna create it on other platforms)

Enjoy 💜✨

Navi: Chapter 1 — Chapter 2 — Chapter 3 — Chapter 4 — Chapter 5 — Chapter 6 — Chapter 7

Taehyung had become a comfortable addition to your life. He was steady and reliable — from your bi-weekly lessons, to drinks with his friends on the weekend.

Terry had extraordinarily managed to stay friends with both Jimin and Hoseok, occasionally taunting them, but overall keeping things neutral and platonic.

However, the one who was struggling with friendly, platonic feelings was you. It was difficult not to notice the way Taehyung always managed to predict your objections, your movements and your needs.

You felt a connection that made you feel weak, queasy, like clay gently sprinkled with water.

His lessons had become a secret guide to people and relationships.

The first time he had actually placed you at the wheel, helping you throw your first small bowl, he had given you the epiphany of a lifetime.

“Don’t let it dry too much. Too much water will mess it up. It will become too pliant and it won’t hold up.”

A revelation had struck you just then and there. That was it. The rule to love. You had bathed your ex husband in reassurance and affection, and just like that he had melted underneath your touch, and he had turned into nothing. And the love had run out.

“Every shape has its specific requirements,” Taehyung had explained, dipping your hands in the basin and letting the droplets fall from your fingertips. “Wet hands, but not drenched,” he had reminded you from the previous lesson. With a small nod he had invited you to press down the pedal lightly. “See, here we go. The clay will show how much water it needs. Easy on the pedal. Very slow. You’re warming it up. Be gentle. You’re not sure it’s good. Just like with people. Easy at first, and once it works you speed up,” he had smiled at the material underneath your hands.

“Gentle. Easy,” he had corrected you, his sinewy fingers gently leading your hands, recalibrating the pressure points. You had watched the greyish water stain his hands as he helped you. “That’s the secret to good things.”

In the following lesson he had taught you the importance of separation and remotion.

“It's been a few hours* what you have right there it's a leatherhard*. It's hard enough to withstand some pressure, but not ready to stand on its own,” Taehyung had shown you how to cut the bowl from the base, to turn it around and let it dry evenly.

“Still it wouldn't survive the kiln yet,” he explained. “You need all the water out. Water weakens the structure and your piece would crumble. And you would need to start anew,” Taehyung's delicate fingertips had lifted the piece, turning it around. “They're like children. One wrong move and, bam, you lose their trust and you need to earn it back, from ground zero. Yes, Frog. Just like that, easy with the pressure or you'll leave fingerprints,” he had scolded you, exhaling and closing his eyes once he noticed the damage had already been done.

You had looked at him with a sheepish grin, smiling apologetically.

What you didn't know is that he had scowled at the realisation that he simply could not keep a long face at you.

Taehyung had discovered an even weaker spot for you.

He had realised he liked you a lot.

You were quiet, observant, and incredibly intelligent.

And he liked chatting with you on your nights at the pub. And he liked your fashion sense.

He liked leaning his head against your shoulder, he was just extremely sorry he had to be half drunk to be brave enough — or to be somehow excused for the excess of clinginess.

He liked you, the cheerful and polite smile you wore while talking to Jimin and Terry indistinctly, like they had the same importance to you, no matter you had known Terry for ages and Jimin for a few weeks.

He liked the way you trapped the tip of your tongue between your lips while you focused on a piece, or the fact that once he had stopped by the bookshop, only to spot you curled up on an armchair with a fuzzy blanket on your shoulders while you read a book.

He had studied the sleepy smile you had offered him as he handed you a cup of tea that had just been brewed in Seokjin’s café. Taehyung had felt young and foolish as his smile mirrored yours. He’d wandered around the few shelves in your shop, studying a few books and asking questions about the organisation of genres on the shelves.

He asked for recommendations and chuckled as he noticed you growing increasingly chatty, disrupting your streak of quiet to passionately discuss authors and plots and publishing houses, little naive art books and detective novels and half unknown poets from entirely unknown countries.

It had been an amazing morning, with a lazy yellowy light floating in from the large windows.

After that, his visits to the bookshop had become more frequent, even stopping by during a reading date — which of course was not the two of you having a date, but rather other people coming in, mostly couples from university, to explore the shelves together, have that niche romantic academia experience, which sometimes meant that professors also came in with their husbands or wives. The loveliest of them all was the Ancient Greek professor, a seventy year old man who always came in with his wife, opening the door for her and walking around with her hand in his, usually stopping in front of the Russian section to see if they could find anything they liked. Taehyung had helped you create some artsy reading nooks that your customers truly appreciated.

The last month or so had been a blessing, for the both of you.

You both liked the steady, warm presence you could offer each other: he liked having you around because he felt less lonely, and because it was so easy to focus on you rather than the discomfort of loss; you enjoyed his respectful guidance, like a toddler still stumbling on their feet finds comfort in the parent walking right behind them; you felt free to move autonomously, but you also felt him there, never looking away in chase you needed a hand to hold. You had found a companion.

And with that many things started getting out of your control.

One in particular.

It was Tuesday afternoon and as usual the bookshop was closed. You parked your bike in Taehyung’s driveway, grabbing your tote and blushing a little as you fixed a classy, old school ribbon in your hair, covering the hair tie of your ponytail. You felt fickle and juvenile.

You felt romantic.

You felt ready to be pampered with tender guidance and soft touches, still strictly limited to your hands, always after mannered glances asking for your permission. With eager joy, you opened the door to the studio, only to notice an extra wheel beside the usual one.

And one extra person.

A woman.

Currently running her hand down Taehyung’s arm, toying with his fingers.

You blinked a couple times before you rebuilt your happy facade. “Oh, hi! Hello there!” you greeted with a smile.

Taehyung immediately took half a step away from the woman.

“Hello Frog, how are you today?”

“Happy,” you chirped in a way that had Taehyung warning immediately. He knew that kind of gleeful tone was dedicated to other circumstances — books, your friends, squealing when you managed to make a good piece. He frowned also because you weren’t one of those easily excited people.

What could have possibly made you want to show off so much happiness all at once?

“I’m glad,” he commented before noticing the extra wheel and suddenly remembering the guest.

“This is Dolly. Dolly is a fellow artist. She’s from a small town nearby. She is designing customised tableware for a resort cottage nearby. She’ll work with us today.”

You nodded, grabbing your apron — the only apron, you noticed — and got ready for the task of the day.

“Would you like to try making a plate for today?” he asked, taking out some premixed clay and preparing it on the table for you to wedge. “Or we could do some glazing while Dolly does her thing.”

“No, I could use two teachers,” you replied, trying to be inclusive, shushing all the unmotivated jealousy. How unreasonable!

“She won’t let you get away with things just because of your cute smile,” Taehyung warned, the stern reprimand sugared by the half hidden compliment.

“I almost don’t make mistakes anymore!” you complained before walking to the table, rolling up your sleeves and beginning to pat the corners of your piece of clay.

“Do you need me to do that?” he asked, feeling twice as apprehensive as usual.

“You could wedge some for me, Tae?” Dolly called, preparing a large disk and bringing it over to the table. “Please?” she cooed.

Taehyung agreed, feeling more comfortable at your side, both your foreheads growing sweaty with the warm spring weather and your arms getting sore as you worked the clay until it reached ideal plasticity.

“How was yesterday? I didn’t manage to bring you breakfast,” he mentioned almost casually as he started giving the final twists to the clay body.

“Oh, it was okay. Slow Monday. A couple teachers brought in some stuff to print. One of my parents’ friends asked me to grammar check her dissertation. I had a few books brought in for safety rebounding. Same old,” you said, sitting at the wheel and throwing the clay down. “How should I go about the plate?” you asked, looking up at Taehyung.

He was suddenly enchanted by your beauty as you looked up, a few rebellious locks escaping your hairband and making you look so unreal, so breathtaking and young.

Sometimes he forgot you were young.

Sometimes he even forgot he was young himself.

He was living the kind of fondness his grandma had always told him about, the kind of fondness she had met once sixty, ready to conclude her earthly struggles by herself. Instead, she had met an honest man, a widower who understood her past and her present.

The two had shared a quiet, tender feeling until she left. They were friends, they talked about the weather and gardening, went on walks, had picnics and went to church together. He always held her hand and kissed her forehead with a reverence Taehyung had never met.

Except for you.

He knew the only love he would never doubt was the one that accompanied his granny through her last days. He knew she passed a happy woman and that relieved him immensely.

Being the son of a single mother meant many complicated things, which included his mom moving half a continent away when he turned fourteen, chasing a man he barely knew.

He was glad he had his grandmother then, and the guys. Jimin and his family, although very complicated.

Taehyung didn’t understand the inner dynamics of relationships, and his lack of experience during high school had definitely not helped.

It’s not like he hadn’t tried, but he didn’t feel comfortable. He was always trying to learn while all the girls he had dated expected some sort of latin lover for unknown reasons — probably because of a rumour started by Jimin and Jeongguk, which had clearly, miserably failed.

All he could do was show kind devotion and gain continuous inspiration by the women in his life.

Pottery itself was an art he had learnt from his mother, who in turn had learnt from her mother. He had liked it from day one, like he had been called to it, made for it, even.

“Taetae please, could you help? I think I’m stuck,” Dolly whined, stopping to look at her attempt of dish. “What do you think?”

You tried to ignore the way her voice hurt your ears, leaving some clay aside to handbuild fruit for decoration to add later. Once done, you remodeled the amount for the plate in a round ball against your apron before throwing it a bit too aggressively on the wheel before starting to center.

“See, I’m not sure about the lip. Should i give it a wider edge or make it a bit… I don’t know. I kind of wanted it flat, with a slightly raised lip,” she pouted through her words, but you kept your focus, centering the piece flawlessly, repeating the procedure a few times, feeling the movements terribly familiar and comforting.

“It’s a good idea,” Taehyung confirmed, “a bit of a modern twist.”

“Aw, you’re so nice!” Dolly cooed, batting her lashes at him just as he turned to look at you.

“You’re still centering? All good?” he asked, noticing you stuck on holding the half dome under your palms, ready to bring it up again.

He let you go through the motion, finding himself the excuse of checking your technique only to stare at your strong but precise hands.

You went on without answering, letting the clay grow against your palms before feeling it peak and changing your grip, pushing your thumbs across and down.

“Good job, Frog,” he praised you, watching your face light up in a shy smile while you kept working the ball onto a large, thick disk.

“It’s a lot more than usual,” you commented with a sheepish grin.

“You’re doing perfect,” he reassured you. “Keep it even. Remember the ashtray-turned-jewellery plate?” he asked.

You nodded.

“Use the side of your hand. Press down harder,” he directed you. “Use your whole body, Frog. You’re handling a lot there, you need to be a bit more aggressive.”

He bit his lip before testing the waters. “Make it wetter, Frog.”

You felt yourself freeze for a second. You swallowed and dipped your dominant hand in the water.

“Don’t make it drip,” he corrected you.

“I’m gonna drench it,” you replied.

“Taetae—”

“Just a second, Dolly,” he replied absentmindedly. “Drench it, Frog.”

You obeyed.

“Gonna touch your back,” he warned you before you felt his forearms on your shoulders, pressing you down. “Use your whole weight. You need to make it to three inches. The thinner the easier.”

You felt his voice close to your ear.

“When it starts to drag, it’s too dry. Hug the side,” he rose and placed his palm against yours. “Just hold it. No pressure. Lovingly.”

“Tae—” Dolly called again.

He closed his eyes. “Just keep pressing,” he told you. “Tell me.”

“Can you help me with the lip?” Dolly asked, batting her lashes.

“First, make the base wider. Flatten it nicely, till the edge, then pinch the wall up. It will fall a little as it dries, but maybe we can find a way to secure it. If you make it short enough it should hold,” he explained professionally.

“Could you show me, please?”

He nodded. “Wait, Frog, stop there. Watch,” he commanded curtly.

You slowed down the wheel before stopping, holding your hands for a second before making sure that your piece didn’t get out of control.

“Okay,” you told him once you were ready.

“Come up here, I need you to see the details.”

You reached the two other people, Taehyung taking Dolly’s spot at the wheel. He fixed his stance before he wet his hands. Instinctively, his left palm went to hold the side while his right fingers grabbed a needle, measuring the thickness of the plate. “Just around two inches. And here it goes thicker, you see? Around three inches,” he showed, sticking the needle in.

“Did I do wrong?” Dolly asked, awfully dramatic.

“You just need to make it thinner,” he commented, already dipping a small sponge in the plate before squeezing it in the plate, still being very careful.

“Now, Dolly first used her fist — the side of it — and pulled it toward her to spread the clay lower. Repeat that several times. At least six or seven, based on the pressure you manage to apply. Then she used her fingertips, center out. Like this,” he said, showing the motion.

You felt ready to throw yourself out across the glass wall head first.

His middle finger pressed down with such firmness that you couldn’t not think of it doing very inappropriate things to your body.

You felt dumbstruck at the sudden thought, like it was some sort of exceedingly vivid dream, too realistic to actually be a dream.

“Rib next. Dolly didn’t use the rib properly here. She was too light.” He corrected the woman’s mistake, using his chest to press down, exhaling loudly as he did. “You have to go deep, Frog. Stay there. Be a bit stubborn.” He grinned. “Hold position.”

You nodded, licking your lips.

Dolly’s eyes were glowing with arousal next to you, his brow arching once he put down the rib after five minutes or so. “Wet fingers,” he reminded you, wiggling as gimey, grey water rolled down his wrists, the vision unfairly erotic for the dirt covering his hands, dripping down the hypervascular back of them, the veins of his forearms significantly thicker.

You shook your head with a grin as he wiggled his digits. “You put one inside, on the outside and press them together. Make sure you dig deep with the one on the inner side. You’ll want to press down firmly to collect all the material you’ll need for the lip. In this case, we keep pushing out, to further widen the plate and give it a short, erect lip.”

You were out of your mind, nodding just in hope to get away from torture.

“Oh, so that’s how I need to do the lip! Thank you Taetae!” Dolly exclaimed, giving you a way out.

You caught the chance immediately, sitting back at the wheel, drenching your hands before reapplying water to your piece.

“Wetter,” Taehyung called immediately.

Oh.

Your brain froze as you realised that wetter you were, indeed.

“Make a fist,” he ordered as he poured more water on your piece. “Press the side of your pinkie knuckle in the middle.”

You looked at him, crouched beside you, his mop of black hair tumbling back as his dark eyes met yours.

They hid so much longing, so much need for comfort. You read them immediately, nodding.

He placed his hand on top of yours. “Push down, Frog,” he murmured, in a way he hoped only the two of you would hear over the sound of the wheels’ engines. “Harder, lovely.”

You held your breath, his fingers and palm swallowing your fist entirely as he slipped his thumb into the hole created by your index and thumb. “Pull it towards you now,” he spoke softly. “Hard and slow, Frog,” he reminded you.

Your brain was far, far away, filled with questions about how you now found yourself comfortable about seeing Taehyung as a potential partner.

Duh. Because he knows you, dummy, the reply came instantly

Because he seemed to do everything just right for you, and when he ended up making a mistake, he seemed to know exactly how to ask for forgiveness and actually learn from his previous wrongdoings.

“Do I keep going?” you questioned, looking at him.

His face lit up slightly. “Yes, darling.” He let you go slightly after, cleaning up his hand.

You missed his guidance, but you convinced yourself you could do without.

“Slow down. Test the thickness,” he reminded you, offering the needle. “You did perfect, Frog,” he murmured with a fond grin.

“Really?” you reacted incredulously.

He confirmed, nodding as he stuck the needle along the side. “We need to work with your fingertips along the sides, here,” he showed, closing down the small puncture.

You wet your digits and placed your middle and ring finger on the center, slightly angled, letting them slide all the way to the edge as the wheel turned.

He assisted your outer hand, supporting it and showing how much pressure was needed.

“Keep going like this for a couple minutes. Make sure that it slims out. Just a few minutes—”

“Tae, do you think this is right?” Dolly asked with her squeaky voice.

His left hand grazed yours reverently as he parted from you.

Taehyung cruelly realised he was head over heels for you.

“It looks just fine to me, Dolly. I think you could give it a last test and then let it dry.”

“Yes, maybe you could give me some hands-on guidance with the next one. I could learn from a… master like you.”

You almost scoffed, giving a choked snort before you could actually control yourself.

“Uhm… I’m sure you just need to refine your timing.” Taehyung tried to evade the request.

During the rest of your lesson, you managed to throw two plates, even building a few decorations that would be added once the clay was leatherhard, in about twenty-four hours.

“I’ll add the decorations tomorrow,” Taehyung told you as you washed your hands. “Unless you want to stop by during lunch break.”

You dried your hands, thinking about his suggestion. “I think I’ll be busy tomorrow. You know, the Spring fair is soon and there’s some stuff I need to do.”

He pouted and nodded. “I’ll trim and decorate then,” he agreed. “If we’re having our Friday lesson, we can bisque them.”

You smiled and agreed.

“Maybe I can throw some plates for you and show you how to decorate while the kiln is working,” he reasoned, helping you to remove the apron once he noticed you were stuck in it.

“That would be lovely, if it’s not too much work for you!” you replied happily. You deposited the apron and caught your bag, fixing it on your shoulder. “It was a pleasure, Dolly!”

“Likewise!” she replied with a smile so sour it would have made milk curdle. “I’ll see you again!”

“Yes, for sure!” you cheered back, making your way out.

Taehyung accompanied you, almost as if you didn’t know the way. “I have a book to return,” he said, making you frown. He didn’t borrow any book from you.

“Uhm,” you started, trying to understand his intentions.

“Come in, I have it in the kitchen,” he said, leading you through the backyard.

“Taehyung,” you called, once you reached the door to his house, keeping your voice low. “Are you okay?”

He opened the door and led you through. His house was incredibly traditional compared to the way you had expected it to be.

“I’m… I just needed to check in on you. Dolly can be a very… loud… presence,” he said, grabbing a glass and a pastel pink porcelain pitcher. “Lemonade?”

You shook your head. “She is indeed very… loud.”

“I’m sorry,” he sat down and drank. He looked sad. Worried. “Are we okay, Frog?”

You stood at his side, looking at him before delicately placing your hand on his shoulder. “I’m okay, but are you? You look terrified of being in there with her.”

He placed both elbows on the table and held his head. “I’m just very tired today.”

Your hand moved to his nape, feeling the corded muscles. “Tell her you’re tired and that you’re calling it a day. I can make up an excuse for you.”

You were reminded just how much he had clung to you for the whole lesson. If she was giving him special attention, he clearly didn’t want it.

“Would you do that?” he asked, suddenly hopeful.

You frowned. “Of course?” you reacted, playfully disappointed in his lack of faith. “We can stay here. I can read, you can nap or watch the tv. We just need to make her understand it’s time to go. I’ll hide my bike and wait for you here. You’ll go in there and tell her Jimin or someone called and they need your help.”

“Are you sure you want to spend the afternoon like this? I mean, it’s your free day.”

You shrugged. Your plans were going home, getting rid of the awful tension running down your back and possibly going to the shop for some cleaning, maybe work on that dissertation… “You’re my friend. And yes, I want to help you.”

Taehyung knew that some people would have been highly disappointed by being called ‘friend’ by their crush, but that made him feel warm, like he was wrapped in a cosy comforter. “Go hide the bike,” he said, grinning like a child.

You grinned right back at him, starting down the corridor with long strides. He helped you choose a nice spot, hiding your bike between the house and the bushes tracing the outline of the garden.

After fifteen minutes or so, you heard Dolly’s annoying voice as she said something like “call me if you need help with Jiminie”, dramatically bidding Taehyung goodbye.

From the window, you watched her get inside a car in front of the house, Taehyung appearing a few minutes after. “We. Are. Free,” he panted theatrically as he flopped on the sofa, throwing his head back.

“Why did you let her come?” you asked, staring at him from your spot by the window.

“Because she’s an old friend. I met her way before she became like that,” he admitted. “I hadn’t seen her in ages. And now she’s clearly trying to get back in my life, using the commission as an excuse.” Taehyung rubbed his temples.

For half a second you wondered whether it was a good idea to ask. Would it make any difference? You realised it would. “Were you… In a relationship?”

“If for ‘relationship’ you mean ‘let’s fuck him so I can complete the friends collection’, then yes.” Taehyung propped his forearms on his knees, exhaling heavily.

You hissed, feeling slightly uncomfortable. You didn’t know what to do. “If you’d like to rest, I can go home,” you said, looking at him with cold, uncertain eyes.

He met your stare, suddenly feeling confused, scared even. He frowned and crossed his arms, trying to put some distance after he noticed his refuge turn hostile to him. “You can go,” he said, shrinking within his shoulders, trying not to show how much he feared being alone.

What he didn’t know is that you could feel the hurt in his voice and the pain in his eyes like needles sinking in your skin. You walked to him, touching his hair hesitantly, feeling wary about not receiving spoken permission.

You watched him bloom under your touch, his lungs inflating with a large inhale. He exhaled way more slowly, taking his time. “Do you want me to go?” you asked, letting your hand slide down the side of his face.

He shook his head, placing his hand atop of yours, holding it there just in case you foolishly thought he didn’t need your touch anymore. “Can you stay?”

You placed both your hands on his hair, cupping his face. “I’ll read, you take a nap.”

He watched you move your free hand away, putting down your tote and grabbing a book. He grabbed your wrist, staring at you with his dark puppy eyes. “Can you sit here? Close?”

You smiled and nodded, settling at his side before he grabbed a blanket, spread it wide and laid down, nuzzling closer, inch by inch, until you found his head on your lap.

“Can I?” he asked, adorably, his cheeks puffy and his eyes glittering vivaciously.

You smiled back at him and nodded. Fondly, you moved your book aside, watching him close his eyes contentedly as your thigh became his pillow.

After a couple pages, you almost thought he had fallen asleep already, only to realise you were mistaken once he reached for your free hand and brought it to his hair.

“Cuddle?”

You smiled even brighter, tracing the shell of his ear before starting to hand-comb his soft, dark locks.

“I’ve got you,” you whispered gently, barely holding back as you looked at his face, peacefully relaxed.

Your heart was a messy thing, but in that moment you realised that, could you have a new one, you would gift it to him and never ask for it back.

Taglist is open

Navi: Chapter 1 — Chapter 2 — Chapter 3 — Chapter 4 — Chapter 5 — Chapter 6 — Chapter 7

[alphaofdarkness]

I wish to know more of your awesome OCs!! So, 19, 22(or maybe as an alternative if they don't, something you mischaracterize on some of them by mistake? Odd, but I sometimes mess up my own ocs XD), 23, 24, 26, and 32 for the OC questions!!

Oh! You beautiful person you! 💖🥺 Of course I shall tell you more about my many, many ocs! Hopefully I can fulfill! 🥰🤗

More undercut because this turned out to be very long ~ 😅

19.  Introduce an OC that means a lot to you (and explain why).

Aw, honestly all my OC’s mean so much to me! It is hard to play favorites sometimes lol. Though, if I had to choose, I’m going with two of them!

Samantha, or Sam, is definitely my baby and has definitely developed so much from her original self. Nonetheless, still the same shy, curious girl who has a big role to uphold as chosen Beta to her Alpha. Plus, being a Legendary Wolf Warrior of Light, even more so! Still, despite many the many hardships and obstacles she has faced, she is still hopeful and a total sweetheart. She just wants a settled life and live her with her closest pack mates. 

I have definitely put her though the ringer a lot, emotionally and even explored just several internal things with her. I know Danielle is meant to be me in a sense, but personality and emotional wise, I am more like this lovely Angel. Best girl and everyone loves her!

Second is definitely Danielle (my BsD self insert). Personally, because I have started to embrace her and give her more of my personality and who I really am. Still keeping her as her own person with her struggles, in some aspects, but giving her more of me as well. She has definitely allowed me to have some more self love for myself. Even if it is come and go on most days. She has just grown to be more of a gradual part of me in the recent years since I got into Bsd. I truly love her as she gives me a reason to embrace the parts of me I never would have considered so much or even just not like about me.

Self shipping has definitely also helped, I just love Dany very much and hold her close, please she may be stubborn but she is hella fragile ;;;w;;;

22. Is there any OC of yours people tend to mischaracterize? If yes, how?

Hm, I wouldn't say anyone has mischaracterized my characters so much that I know of, maybe my parents whenever there is a moment they see my Oc’s and just make a judgement on them on the spot lol.

I suppose me mischaracterizing my OCs would probably be the Seven Deadly Soul Sins? Maybe ^^, These seven, practically, ghost entities of the Seven Deadly Sins are meant to be perceived as the worst possible people/wolves. Their existence is the reason people do bad things and are the negative contrast to the Legendary Wolf Warriors. 

Take an old, unfinished draw of all 7 of them together~

I know what they are, how they behave, what their very existence and presence entails. However, I have come to the bad tendency of redemption in my line of story telling, I often find myself back and forth whether there is any redeemable qualities that should be given to them considering their very existence and such. Envy, or Evelyn, is one that I can definitely see having something on that accord, but she is still at her core bad. 

I don't know if I am saying this correctly or even answering the question well lol. But yeah, I say my Deadly Sin OC’s often can be mischaracterized in a way. I can definitely picture them being top favs if my story was an actual thing. I support the fans in all they come lol ^^

 23. Introduce OC that has changed from your first idea concerning what the character would be like?

I can't think of one I changed too much out of concern for what they are like that I can remember to be quite honest ^^, 

I guess maybe Wisler? I know when I first came up with the start up concept of the LWW, I never intended for him to be a previous Warrior. It was always meant to be Dany’s Aunt who possessed it and Wisler was just a precautious elder wolf who needed to teach her to better her powers, less she gives it up like his daughter had. 

Of course, the whole concept and idea, just gives way for him to have been a possible warrior in the past. If anything I just the developed the idea more and made it more of a tragedy for Wisler. Normally, the concept of being a LWW is meant to be a blessing, a gift bestowed by a greater power, but to him, after giving up his power and remaining upon the world, he just sees it as a curse. Pride only solidified that into his mind. Nonetheless, he becomes a mentor to the other warriors to better themselves and keep them from giving up their power.

Second, was more of a momentary interest in the Chronicles of Narnia and being ever so salty about Susan being left behind, while her family died and went to Narnia ;;;w;;; 

Silly thing really, but literally chose, out of all the warriors, Lidia to be the one to be left alive, from whatever scenario I had at the time, because she refused her soul gift of the LWW’s. It was a momentary silly concept, I don't know why I would chose her for this scenario at all, she doesn’t deserve that ;;w;;

If anything, the ones that I can picture are Yamato and Danielle, just because of their mental state and emotional turmoil under such a heavy weight of loss. It was a silly concept I had thought of once, and just cry little at the thought ;;w;; 

24. If you could meet one OC of yours, who would it be and why?

Heck, I would love to meet all of them... and heavy apologize for all the hell I've put them all through ;;;w;;;

But Jason~ most definitely...Not cause I self ship myself with him or anything but UwU,,, He is a sweetheart and a beautiful boi ~ I want to love him and give him a soft life pls.

26. Have you ever had to change your OC’s design or something else about them against your will? 

Ahh,,, All of them, in a way? ^^; my middle self was something else entirely~

I think design wise, most if not all my warriors, are still the same. Maybe just a few new upgrades in their fur shade, colored eyes, and maybe their human designs too. Most definitely will change more in the future, just for the sake of bettering myself to draw people.

Old, high school art~ Cringe 

Any new design change is purely out of being in a more better mindset of design and just development of what make them unique. I have definitely changed all of their Soul Markings, I have changed Lidia’s name from Leafia recently, Taka’s formerly sky blue eyes to more of a pale green, Sora’s former tail scar to the claw ones on her shoulder, etc.

Origin, personality and relation wise on the other hand, GRADUAL SHIFT! Some points:

Sora, Yamato, and Takaru are heavily inspired by the Digimon Adventure kids of the same name, I kept their surnames of the ones from the series for a long time into at most Junior Year of High School. Til I learned, if I want to make them my own, I have to change this entirely!

So Sora, Yamato, and Takaru are definitely different entirely from their original selves, personality and kind of design wise.

Sam was kind of meant to be like Kari from Digimon in a way, but heavily refused to name her that or make her in similarity of the character.

Another Oc of mine named Jacob Wolfe was originally going to be the Warrior of Earth before I came up with Lidia.

There was originally meant to be just 5 Warriors, Lidia and Jason not yet part of it and, surprisingly, neither was Danielle.

Jason was originally named Damien and was kind of, for a while, Danielle’s twin sibling... Changed that drastically and entirely after renaming him to Jason.

Originally, had some other mythical beasts living amongst them in the Forest of Dreams, like dragons and gryphons for a while.

Originally, played with the idea of the warriors coming back to life if they didn't give up their powers, but... after much though it just became more of a “too cheesy of choice?” Especially for an ending thing before the next generation kids come in, it was just not an option after a while.

These are just some that I can think of at the top of my head at least, I am sure there is much more scrap things in my mind lol.

32. Which one of your OCs would be the most suitable horror game protagonist and why? 

...God I don't want any of them to fecking die grueso-(I should shut my mouth actually),,, even though I will admit I did internally put my warriors into a shitty thought-out idea of them in a Final Destination scenario...

Ahh, may Yamato in a way as that stoic, hardened protagonist with the will too try and survive, Wrath is his counter self sin, I find that fitting in a way. Same with Jason, just because of his slight nativity to being a warrior and how he left his former abusive living from his alpha and stepfather. Oddly enough, maybe Sam? Just because of her ability to see the worst things to happen in the future, but I am not sure lol.

Am thinking of the new Resident Evil game I see floating around with some gamer youtubers and I can see Yamato and/or Jason in the position and setting.

—✨——✨——✨—

I truly enjoyed all these questions! It gave me time to think and reflect on my ocs! I do hope you enjoy some old, blurred and unfinished art from ya wolf girl~ I truly appreciate this and gives me the feels of validation! ;;;w;;;

[yanderedbh-moved]

The Yanderes + Fluff Scenarios

The third installment of this little series, I guess I have now of the yanderes in typical fanfiction tropes. 

Smut

H/C

Connor

While it may be tricky for him to grasp the concept of personal hobbies (as in performing tasks with no real tangible pay off or goal in mind.) He experiences a very wholesome and heartwarming sense of pride from watching you doing what you love. In your element and feeling so free.

Connor experiencing the charming sense of alarm one typically feels when fostering a crush for another. Worrying if you secretly knew but weren’t telling him, would you lead him on, were you personally seeing someone else right now, etc.

Though it might seem small, Connor enjoys leaving the house every now and then to just get a pleasant walk in to see his home city while not on the clock. It’s a considerably understated freedom the android only learned to appreciate once he was granted the choice to do so himself.

Markus

It’s pretty commonly accepted at this point Markus loves reading, for so many reasons. For one thing, it reminds him of his home and of his father figure who possessed a vast array of different books of great diversity. As well as the pure pleasure of enjoying a little alone time away from the noise of the outside world.

In a relationship, Markus would be an excellent partner when it comes to empowerment! He would absolutely want to teach you different ways to defend yourself and would want to ensure you had the skills and know-how to keep yourself safe out there.

Also isn’t above using the fact he’s the leader of Jericho to his advantage. As in, if he knows you’re having issues with someone in your life, and it’s causing you to feel unsafe and on edge, he would ensure this person knew just who they were messing with, along with sending the message to back off.

Kara

Once the two of you finally manage to find a stable life for yourselves, and Alice Kara would finally receive the chance for fun, inconsequential domestic life, she never had the opportunity to live out before.

Kara really enjoys having a human partner far more than she ever expected to! For so many reasons, but a personal favorite of hers is keeping you company in the final few moments before you fall asleep. It’s just the two of you, and you’re mind’s practically shut off, and she really enjoys the way you so completely relax into her.

Alice is shown to enjoy drawing and art, so you can imagine once she actually lives in a comfortable, stable environment, she feels much more comfortable expressing herself. Kara loves to keep her child’s drawing as keepsakes and is something of a hoarder when it comes to pictures Alice draws of the three of you.

Hank

It’s tricky at the start, but you do your best to get Hank out of the house more. To try and urge him to move on, to fall back in love with life, promising him you’ll be by his side every step of the way.

Furthermore, when you actually do get around to moving in with Hank, there’s a kind of an inexpressible breath of life he feels. Like for the first time in so long, this place actually feels like a home again, and not just where he lives.

Mushy, ultra-sweet romance isn’t precisely Hank’s style, but he would still find other little ways to make you feel loved. He’s more the one to use endearing sarcasm or an affectionate nickname to express his real emotions.

Luther

Imagine having to try and lift yourself all the way up to your tiptoes to get a kiss on the cheek from him. While he could always just lean down and help you out, he thinks it’s kind of cute to watch you try so hard.

He likes to be in bed with you, to make you feel close and held while you’re getting your rest. While physically, he may not need the sleep, keeping you close, wishing this moment won’t ever end is profoundly therapeutic for Luther.

North

Small acts of kindness and taking care of North in little ways may not feel like much to the outside observer, however, considering she’s never received treatment so gentle and sweet from anyone else in her life? Yeah, it’s more than enough to leave her feeling beyond blessed.

Imagine an intense moment with North. The two of you are working in a group, and the stress of it all is rising. She’s doing her best to keep composure, but she slips up and accidentally refers to you by a silly nickname she gave you, and you can’t help but crack up a little bit, despite the situation.

When it comes to dating North, it’s essential to have a bit of a thick skin. When she first begins to develop feelings for you, she might feel overwhelmed and confused by her own emotions and say something hurtful to try and keep you at a distance. Later on though, when she feels more comfortable opening up to you, North would definitely apologize for this and regret this mistake severely.

Simon

So much long-distance pining! About a fifty-fifty split between Simon being an absolute mess of emotions, along with him wondering how in the world he’s ever going to muster up the courage to confess to you.

It’s pretty critical not to rush him or anything here. At the best of times, Simon can be a bit stressed out, and maybe a little high strung. Even though he genuinely cares about you, it’s important to respect his space and understand that he needs a little patience on your end.

(This is debatable, but I think it adds up.) Simon is the android with maybe the most extended history with humans, and because of that has gathered a great deal of information via observation. He knows how to treat humans gently and is a much better kisser than he would let on.

Josh

In his darker, more pessimistic moments, there are times when Josh wonders if there’s really any hope for a future in which humans and androids live together in peace. In times like this, he really needs you as the little positive voice he can relly on to assure him there’s still hope and time to find peace and love between androids and humans.

Now that androids are granted far more space to exist freely of their own volition Josh rather enjoys taking you out on a quiet little one on one date. It’s nice to see the city how it was meant to be seen, and there’s no one he would rather share this with than you.

Much like his leader, when Josh has the free time to spend, Josh is something of a bookworm. However, for him, it’s much more a chance to explore a new hobby he’s no experience with, rather than to re-capture memories of the past. (Also he has a soft spot for romance novels, fight me.)

Kamski

(This one is up for debate, but...) Kamski gives off the vibes of someone who could kill at chess. It could be a fun little game between the two of you, to see if one day you could beat him, but he’s been playing since he was a child, so chances are slim, to say the least.

He’s productive and innovative to a fault, and he would really relly on you to look out for him and his health. Or, in other words, to drag him to bed and keep him from completely wrecking his sleep schedule in the name of progress.

Even though it’s rather common for him to leave the house in the name of giving an interview, a speech or a lecture hall, or something of the sort, Kamski would understand if you were the kind of person to prefer to stay home, or otherwise out of the spotlight.

Chloe

One thing which never fails to make Chloe feel better is playing with your hair, on the condition you do the same with her later. Also, bonus points if you agree to take pictures with her afterward.

She’s beyond sensitive to others' emotions, especially to yours, and there’s just something about your smile and your laugh, which sticks with her. It’s infectious to her, and she can’t get enough.

If she finds you’ve fallen asleep somewhere, Chloe really loves to just curl up and sleep next to you like a cat.

Gavin

He’s really the one to pretend to fall asleep if the two of you were cuddling either in bed or on the couch because he loves whenever you tuck him in and kiss his head goodnight. It’s something he likely never received growing up, and it means a lot to him to get that now.

The first time you ever see him all cleaned up and in beautiful clothes is more than a little shocking to you, and it’s difficult not to stare upon seeing him actually putting forth and effort.

Ralph

It doesn’t matter if you’ve only been gone for a couple hours, or for the entire day, when you come back, Ralph is always there to greet you at the door, ready to welcome you back, with the ecstatic energy of a puppy.

A quiet, but deeply profound moment Ralph has when he realizes he doesn’t actually want to live all alone, and that he genuinely finds happiness sharing his space with a human. There’s more to life than hiding.

You assure him that you think he looks exactly perfect just the way he is. There’s no need for him to try and “fix” the way he looks, and in your eyes, there’s no reason for him to feel lesser, or inadequate in any way.

Daniel

Embracing shamelessly “childish” activities with him. Things like decorating the house for holidays, cleaning games, arts and crafts, that sort of thing. It might appear silly on the surface, but to Daniel, it’s some of the few happy memories he has of his old life.

When Daniel decides to commit to a serious, loving relationship with you, Daniel is making a legitimate commitment here. He is actively choosing to embrace his emotions, and not to try and run away from them,

At his worst, Daniel can be very high strung and impulsive, so you must know plenty of de-stress activities to keep him under control.

Nines

Nines absolutely struggle with the initial symptoms of lovesickness. He grapples with worrying if you’ll ever love him back, or worse, that you wouldn’t even consider loving something which was designed to serve a strictly utilitarian purpose.

To his surprise, there’s a little bit of satisfaction Nines feels upon experiencing things like longing and tenderness. There is something to be said for experiencing these abstract emotions in any regard, considering how contrary to his programming they are.

Nines possesses a very strong memory and is one of the best you’ll ever meet. Those two factors together result in an android who knows basically everyone’s business, and who is very difficult to keep secrets from.

Buy Me a Ko-Fi // Requests are Open

[hopesilverheart]

Title: I loved your colours (before I loved you) Artist: @calliartss​ Rating: Explicit (Chapter 10 only) Pairings: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Alec Lightwood & Clary Fray, Clary Fray/Isabelle Lightwood Word Count: ~95k Summary: Magnus Bane is a journalist who's always dreamed of modelling for Lightwood Fashions. When the CEO Alec Lightwood starts looking for new models for their spring collection, he jumps on the occasion.

In the meantime, Alec Lightwood is struggling with the idea of finally announcing his role as co-designer. When Magnus Bane strolls into his life, Alec is torn between keeping his secret or throwing all caution to the wind.

This fic was created for the Malec Discord Mini Bang 2020.

Chapter 10: You’ll be flushed when you return

“So… Magnus.”

Alec wasn’t even sure who had spoken; it could have been Maia just as easily as it could have been Helen. However, he was sure that nothing good ever came out of a conversation that started with those two words.

It wasn’t that he didn’t like talking about Magnus, because he loved talking about his boyfriend and telling everyone about how lucky he was. He just didn’t necessarily enjoy discussing his private life in the middle of the work day when he was supposed to be focusing on the photo shoot happening in front of him.

“Do we have to do this right now?” He sighed, turning towards Helen – he could recognise that blond hair anywhere – immediately groaning when he caught sight of her mischievous smile. “I don’t know if you noticed, but we are a little bit busy with this Vogue shoot. You and I both know we need this to be as perfect as possible. And as much as I would love to talk to you about my boyfriend, I’m not sure now is the time.”

“Now is the perfect time!” Maia exclaimed from his other side, looping one of her arms around his shoulders and winking conspiratorially at Helen. “Don’t think it’s escaped our attention that you’ve been avoiding every single Fashion team bar night since you started dating Magnus. We thought you’d come more often now that you have someone to show off, but you’ve managed to disappoint us once again.”

“My dating status has never, not once, influenced my lack of interest in bar nights,” Alec pointed out. “I don’t like going out with large groups of people just to get drunk and having Magnus at my side won’t change that.”

Besides, he had definitely gone to a bar night less than a month ago, right before he and Magnus had started dating. He had hated every second of it and had only attended because Clary had dragged him there kicking and screaming, but he had still been present. That had to count for something. The unofficial rule was that every member of the team had to attend a bar night at least once a month, and Alec had filled his quota for February.

“The last time you came was in January,” Helen said wryly, raising her eyebrows at him and smirking smugly when he snapped his mouth shut, realising that she was probably right. Damn it. “So we expect you to come next week, alright? No pressure or anything, but we’re celebrating my three years with Aline, so…”

“I’ll be there!” Alec threw his hands in the air, hoping his word would be enough to placate his friends. “I can’t promise that I’ll bring Magnus, because heaven knows he can get very busy with all the work he has to do, but I’ll be there. I’ll clear my night, let Clary choose my outfit, and hang out with you for the four required hours. Does that sound nice?”

“That sounds perfect,” Maia grinned, high-fiving Helen behind Alec’s back. “Although that’s also not what we wanted to talk to you about. I mean, I’m glad we got that promise out of you, but we really did want to have a little conversation about Magnus. Lydia is worried that your relationship might have an impact on his efficiency on the job.”

“Has it caused any problems so far?” Alec frowned.

To be honest, he hadn’t really thought about what it meant for him to date his colleague – employee, technically – when he and Magnus had started going out. He had talked about intra-company relationships with his bosses and teams before, but he had never thought that it would apply to him, and he had… Well, he had been so caught up in Magnus that he had forgotten about that little detail.

However, he hadn’t had reason to believe that his relationship with Magnus would impact the way his boyfriend worked. Magnus was nothing if not a hard-worker – and a bit of a perfectionist – and Alec couldn’t imagine him slacking off just because he was dating the company’s CEO.

“Not so far, no,” Maia answered, waving over at Aline as the model sidled up to them and kissed her girlfriend on the cheek. “But you know how Lydia is. She likes to think about all the possibilities so she’s prepared were the worst case scenario to arise. She’s probably thinking about your break-up or whatever other nonsense situations she likes to create in her mind.”

“Well, Magnus and I aren’t going to break up any time soon,” Alec brushed their concerns off, fighting back a blush as he realised how true that statement was. Magnus and he hadn’t really talked about the future of their relationship, but Alec knew without a doubt that they were on the same track. “You both know I don’t do casual hook-ups, and I don’t think Magnus does either. We’re committed to each other and I don’t see how this could go wrong.”

“No one ever sees how things could go wrong,” Helen pointed out smartly. “That’s often how break-ups happen. They hit you right when you think you’re safe. It’s dangerous Alec, and you shouldn’t let your romantic ideals get in the way of reality.”

“Alright, well that got depressing,” Aline clapped her hands together. “How about we focus on something a little more light-hearted, huh? Like how gorgeous the models look today. And yes, I’m including myself in that category.”

“Well of course you are,” Helen smiled softly at her girlfriend, pressing a quick kiss to her lips before curling a possessive hand around her waist. “Prettiest girl in the room. Although Emily and Diana are looking quite stunning today, too. Have you seen them? They finished their shoots ten minutes ago and said they were going to change, but those outfits were spectacular. You really outdid yourself, Alec.”

“Thank you,” he blushed, glancing around the room to try and catch a glimpse of the models. Magnus had just stepped up to the photographers and was handling his poses expertly, but the women were nowhere to be seen. He could have sworn Izzy had been talking to Emily less than five minutes earlier, but-

“Emily!” Aline called out, waving the brunette over with a reassuring smile. The young woman looked vaguely terrified, but Alec knew that was mostly his fault. He had been so busy with life and work and his family that he had forgotten to spend time with the new models. Magnus had told him that he intimidated them, and he should have fixed that as soon as he had heard about it. “Hey, Em.”

“Hey guys,” the brunette said softly, grinning at Maia and Helen before flushing darkly as her eyes landed on Alec. “Hello, Mister Lightwood.”

“Oh, lord,” Helen breathed out. “This is worse than I thought.”

“Please call me Alec,” the designer insisted, grimacing at Emily’s obvious deference. “I’m sorry I didn’t take the time to talk to you before this, but my schedule has been even more packed than usual and I completely forgot about my usual CEO-model talk.”

“That’s a thing?” Aline’s eyebrows flew up. “How did I not know that was a thing? I’m pretty sure I never got a talk like that when I started working for you. Was I not good enough for it?”

“Aline, you’re my cousin,” Alec sighed tiredly. “You didn’t need a talk because you already knew me and had stopped being afraid of me long before you joined Lightwood Fashions. I assure you, Magnus didn’t – and won’t – get the talk either.”

“You sound like you’re talking about sex.” Lydia’s voice came out of nowhere and, before Alec could blink, the blonde woman was standing in front of them, looking at them with judgement in her eyes. “I can’t believe you’re talking about sex whilst we’re trying to get work done. It’s no wonder the models have been a little less concentrated lately.”

Emily made a small noise at the back of her throat, almost as though she was afraid Lydia was talking about her and was about to fire her or something equally as ridiculous, but Aline and Maia were quick to pat her on the back comfortingly.

“Sorry, Emily, I just mean that Isabelle, Meliorn, and Andrew have been harder to handle than usual today,” Lydia explained, pointing at the trio of models waiting to the side, looking down at the floor sheepishly. Clary was standing with them, arms crossed over her chest as she valiantly tried to act like she was scolding them, even though they all knew she was just staring at them menacingly whilst waiting for Lydia to come back.

“Well, we definitely weren’t talking about sex,” Maia shrugged. “Those three, however… We all know Izzy has finally caught her girl, so I wouldn’t be surprised if something was happening there. Meliorn is always distracted when we have evening shoots, and Andrew… You didn’t hear this from me, but I think he’s been sneaking around with a boy from another company. Very scandalous, if you ask me.”

The rest of the group blinked at Maia blankly. Alec had never understood how the woman managed to get so much information from people she barely knew, but it was a talent he reluctantly admired. Maia had all the gossip, all the time, and although the fashion team liked to act as though they didn’t care about scandals and other such nonsense, it wasn’t a secret that they all thrived on the drama.

“I’m still not completely convinced Izzy and Clary didn’t get up to something even before they were together,” Aline hummed thoughtfully, tilting her head to the side as she let her gaze rake up and down the two women in question. “There’s always been so much tension between them, and they spent a lot of time in close quarters, so…”

“So nothing,” Alec shook his head, chuckling at his friend’s subsequent pout. “I’m sorry to disappoint you, but those two were strictly platonic until they started dating.  Since they have only been official for a few weeks, I’m not even sure they’ve slept together yet.”

“Does Clary not tell you these things?” Helen frowned. “Isn’t that what best friends are for?”

“Clary is currently dating my little sister,” Alec pointed out, grimacing at the mere thought of having to listen to his best friend talk about Izzy like that. “I’m very happy for the both of them, and I’m sure their romantic and sexual chemistry is off the charts, but I really don’t want to hear about it. I’m sure Clary will use one of you as her confidant when she finds herself in desperate need of sex talk.”

“I hope it’s me,” Aline sighed dreamily, earning herself a sharp nudge in the ribs from her girlfriend. “What?! I mean, just like, as friends. Besides, you have to admit those two are absolutely gorgeous. God, if they could have children…”

“Ours would be prettier,” Helen pouted. “But enough about Clary and Izzy. Those two are old news, even if their relationship is pretty new. I want to hear about this mysterious lover Andrew is sneaking around with. Do you have any details, or did you just conveniently overhead a conversation?”

“Sorry,” Maia shrugged. “I’ve got nothing.”

“I do.”

At once every single pair of eyes turned towards Emily, who was looking both embarrassed at being the centre of attention and smug at having more information than any of them. Which made sense, since she and Andrew had grown quite close since they had been hired.

“But I don’t want to say anything if it’ll get Andrew in trouble,” she bit down on her bottom lip, glancing over at her friend worriedly. “It’s not against the rules to date someone from another company, right? Even if that person is technically a Lightwood rival?”

“Ooh, is Andrew pulling a Romeo and Juliet?” Aline cackled gleefully, only calming down when Alec and Lydia sent her matching disapproving looks.

“No, Emily, it isn’t against the rules,” Lydia assured the model, a gleam of excitement entering her eyes when Emily perked up. “So, do you have a story for us, or are we going to have to go digging?”

“It’s Lorenzo Rey!” Emily blurted out, clapping her hands over her mouth as soon as she spoke and sending a panicked glance in Andrew’s direction, as though the man could have heard her from all the way across the room. “Please tell me you do this with everyone and that I didn’t just reveal one of my closest friend’s secrets for nothing.”

“Relax, Emily,” Maia chuckled. “We do this every time someone new joins the company, just to know whether or not we should be trying to set up dates or not. Someone would have stumbled upon him and his secret lover eventually, so you just saved us a lot of time and trouble. But seriously… Lorenzo Rey?”

“I always thought the guy was a complete dick,” Alec furrowed his brows. He had only met Rey a few times, and none of their meetings had been particularly pleasant. So to think about a man as sweet as Andrew dating someone as arrogant and self-absorbed as Fade Media’s Head Editor… It was a little disconcerting. “How on earth did it happen?”

“I have no idea,” Emily shrugged. “But he seems to really like Rey, even though he calls him an egotistical idiot almost every single time I bring him up. I don’t claim to understand what the hell they have going on.”

Alec and the girls all took a moment to ponder over the model’s words, but it wasn’t like they didn’t have their own improbable romances going on within the office. Izzy and Clary, for one, had one of the strangest relationships. Just because Alec didn’t see how Andrew and Rey could possibly fit together didn’t mean they didn’t care about each other.

“Hey, um…” Emily interrupted their collective moment of silence, shuffling her feet nervously. “Does this mean you guys also know about my love life?”

“Are you asking if we know about your little writer girlfriend?” Helen grinned, winking at Emily as the younger woman blushed brightly. “Yes, Em, we know that you’re going out with a girl from the media department. Izzy was the first one to catch you in the act, and then it was easy enough to put the pieces together. Good on you, though, I’m sure she’s a great person.”

“Yeah, she is,” Emily smiled softly, her eyes widening as she looked over Alec’s shoulder. “Oh my god.”

Next to her, Aline and Maia whistled in tandem, snickering quietly as Alec remembered just what was going on behind him and spun around, coming face to face with a shirtless Magnus. Well, technically his boyfriend was still a few feet away, finishing up his shoot with Raphael and the Vogue people, but he was also shirtless, and Alec…

Alec was a weak man. He swallowed reflexively as Magnus flexed his muscles and smirked at the camera, winking straight at the lens.

“Is now the right time to talk about sex?” Lydia murmured, grinning wickedly at Alec. “Because you know, it’s not every day a man as handsome and well-sculpted as Magnus gets to do a shirtless photoshoot right in front of us. Please tell me you’ve already gotten a piece of him.”

“Who are you and what have you done with Lydia?” Helen gaped, staring at the other blonde as though she had never seen her before. “I thought we weren’t supposed to discuss sexual relationships when there’s serious business going on.”

“We aren’t,” Lydia shrugged unrepentantly. “But Alec is far too easy to tease, and since he refuses to show up to bar nights, this might be our only chance to get something out of him. So if you have any questions for him, feel free to go ahead. I’ll pretend I didn’t hear any of this.”

Alec groaned loudly as three pairs of eyes – Lydia was too busy staring at Magnus, and Emily still looked a little uncomfortable around him – turned towards him. He loved his friends, but he had never been a fan of oversharing, and discussing his and Magnus’ sex life definitely felt like oversharing to him.

“Just tell us if you’ve slept with him,” Maia pleaded. “That’s all we want to know. I don’t care about the details, I just want confirmation that you finally took it upon yourself to sleep with the damn man.”

“Fine!” Alec exclaimed, lowering his voice when half of the room turned to look at him curiously. “Fine. Yes, we’ve slept together. No, I’m not telling you how many times or where or how it was. You got your answer, and now you’re going to kindly act as though I didn’t say anything out of the ordinary, alright?”

“That’s fine by me,” Aline snickered. “But you go, cousin! Seriously, congrats on landing one of the hottest men in the world. If I weren’t so in love with Helen and so into women, I might have even asked if you were open to sharing. Although I have a feeling Magnus really isn’t into that.”

“Why do you think that?” Alec asked, his voice breaking slightly as he remembered the possessive way Magnus had marked him the other night, breathlessly calling him mine over and over again.

“One, you’re not as good at covering up hickeys as you think you are,” Helen smirked. “Two, every time the photographers give him a break, his eyes are drawn to you and he looks like he’s a second away from marching over here and claiming you or something. I’m honestly impressed at how well he’s keeping it together when the cameras are on. He’s handling this a lot better than those three deviants over there.”

“I’m sure you’re exaggerating,” Alec huffed, although he pointedly didn’t look in Magnus’ direction, not wanting to add more fuel to the fire. “Besides, he’s almost done, isn’t he? I’m sure the pictures will turn out just fine and then we’ll be free to leave.”

“That sounded an awful lot like you’re about to leave this building and immediately have sex with your boyfriend,” Maia snorted. “You should be a little more careful with your words, Alec, it’s far too easy to misinterpret them.”

“Maybe there was nothing there to misinterpret,” Emily piped up, earning herself a look of deep respect from Lydia and Aline, as well as a betrayed glance from Alec. “I’m just saying, those words seemed to speak for themselves. Not that there’s anything to be ashamed of, sir- Alec! You’re allowed to sleep with your boyfriend whenever you want to.”

“Well said, Emily, well said.”

Six heads snapped around as Magnus walked towards them, a smirk curling at his lips and sweat dripping down his chest. He looked like he had just stepped out of one of Alec’s fantasies, and it took all of Alec’s self-control for him not to jump his ridiculously handsome model boyfriend right there and then.

“Right, I think we should leave,” Emily winked at Magnus, looking far more comfortable and confident around him than she had around the rest of the group. “I should go find Andrew, and the rest of you probably have work to do, so we should leave these two lovebirds alone.”

To their credit, none of the girls protested as Emily led them away from Magnus and Alec, smirking at Magnus one last time before sauntering off towards Andrew.

“Since when are the two of you such good friends?” Alec raised his eyebrows, pecking Magnus’ lips obediently when his boyfriend leaned forward. “I knew you enjoyed her company, but I wasn’t aware the two of you were on good enough terms to discuss your love and sex lives.”

“What can I say,” Magnus shrugged, looping his arm through Alec’s and not even bothering to put on a shirt as he headed towards the elevator. “She’s quite bold once you get to know her, and she’s never afraid to ask for details when I talk about the things I want to do to you. In fact, she gives as good as she gets, and our conversations are always rather interesting.”

“I really don’t think I needed to know that,” Alec blushed, a relieved sigh escaping  when the elevator doors closed without anyone else stepping in. “Also, you do realise we can’t go out if you don’t have a shirt on, right? I’m all for sharing your wonderful body with the world, but I’m pretty sure it borders on illegal to go around looking like that.”

“You take all the fun out of life, Alexander,” Magnus pouted, although the mischievous glint in his eyes made Alec feel as though he were walking straight into a trap. “Why don’t we stop by Clary’s office? I know she keeps extra outfits in there from all her failed attempts at designing, and I seem to recall you telling me you had a few shirts hanging around there too.”

“Fine,” Alec sighed. “But if we’re going there, you’ll have to wait for me whilst I find the papers she was supposed to fill in two days ago and never gave in. You’re only delaying your own enjoyment by doing this.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” Magnus grinned, letting one of his hands trail down Alec’s bicep teasingly and pressing a light kiss to the designer’s inner wrist when Alec’s breath caught in his chest. “You look delightful today, darling. Have I told you that already?”

“You-” Alec croaked, clearing his throat and trying again once he felt a little more collected. “You mentioned it, but I don’t mind hearing it again. Although I feel like you have me at a disadvantage, since you’re only wearing half of an outfit.”

“That’s easy enough to remedy,” Magnus grinned. Less than a second later, Alec’s shirt was being torn apart at the seams and he was being pushed out of the elevator and onto the fashion team’s main floor.

Luckily for them, the place was completely empty, everyone far too busy with the photoshoot to spend time in their offices. Still, Alec shivered at the thought of someone being able to walk onto the floor and be greeted by the sight of Alec and Magnus grinding against each other, their hands grappling for support in between them.

“Mag- Magnus,” Alec whined as his boyfriend tugged him towards Clary’s office, keeping one hand on the small of his back as the other drew meaningless patterns up and down his stomach. Heat pooled low in Alec’s gut, and he had to bite back a moan as Magnus finally pushed them into his best friend’s office – his best friend’s office, for god’s sake – and slammed the door shut behind them.

He was back in front of Alec less than a second later, smirking dangerously as he slipped the shirt off Alec’s shoulders and leaned in to bite at his collar bone hard enough that Alec knew that would leave a mark later. The mere thought of such a bruise had Alec keening and bucking his hips towards Magnus.

“What was that, Alexander?” The man purred, toying with Alec’s belt as he waited for the designer to give him instructions.

They had been over this the second time they had slept together; Magnus liked it when Alec told him what he wanted, and Alec got off on giving Magnus control over their interactions. Still, he bit down on his lip in an effort to keep in his desperate little noises for a while longer. There was no need for Magnus to know how eager he was to get taken apart in the middle of Clary’s workspace.

God, he should have been embarrassed. He should have been blushing and pushing Magnus away, telling him everything about this was completely inappropriate. Instead, he was shifting his hips so that his clothed dick brushed against Magnus’ every time one of them breathed, and he was seconds away from begging his boyfriend to do something.

“You’re going to have to speak if you want us to go any further than this, my lovely boy,” Magnus hummed lowly, shaking his head at Alec when the taller man let out a needy sound. “I know, I know you want this, but you need to use your words. I know you can do it, so come on. What do you want, Alexander? What do you want me to do to you? What do you want to do to me?”

“I want to blow you,” Alec blurted out, a tear rolling down his cheek as Magnus pressed up closer against him, sending his senses into overload. “Please, Magnus, I just want to taste you.”

“All you had to do was ask,” Magnus grinned wickedly, leaning away from Alec and unbuckling his belt in one smooth movement before pulling his pants down and revealing nothing but smooth skin. Because of course he hadn’t been wearing anything underneath his photoshoot outfit. Alec moaned loudly at the thought of Magnus posing for the photographers with nothing but those thin pants on. 

Alec whined at the praise, bending down to press a swift and hungry kiss to Magnus’ mouth before spinning them around, slamming Magnus against the wall hard enough to have the model wincing slightly at the sudden burst of pain. Alec would have asked after him, but Magnus had told him in no uncertain terms that he had nothing – absolutely nothing – about being manhandled and bruised a little bit.

“I’ve never seen anyone as beautiful as you, Magnus,” Alec whispered against Magnus’ neck, slowly lowering himself to the ground and looking up at his boyfriend from underneath his lashes, wondering if he looked even half as alluring to Magnus as Magnus did to him. If the steady darkening of Magnus’ eyes was anything to go by, he probably did.

“God, you’re gorgeous,” Magnus breathed out.

Feeling more confident by the second – and more desperate, his dick aching to be let out of its confines – Alec licked his lips and breathed in Magnus’ heady scent for a moment before leaning in to lick a strip down the man’s cock.

“Alexander,” Magnus cried out, his hands coming up to grip Alec’s hair tightly, pulling on the strands harshly when Alec repeated the gesture, slowly but surely slicking Magnus up with his own spit. “Darling, I’m going to need you to go a little faster than that if you don’t want us to get caught.”

Half an hour earlier, Alec would have panicked at the thought of someone walking in on them and catching them in the act. Now, though, he could only gasp wantonly before fighting against Magnus’ grip and swallowing the head of his boyfriend’s dick, swirling his tongue around a few times before popping off, smacking his lips loudly as he bit softly at the inside of Magnus’ thigh.

The hands in his hair tightened even more, and Alec wasn’t surprised in the slightest when Magnus involuntarily snapped his hips forward, bucking towards Alec’s mouth as though he couldn’t resist him any longer.

“Either do something about this,” Magnus hissed, the sound turning into a moan as Alec hummed and nuzzled at the cock in front of him. “Or I’m going to take care of myself.”

“I’d like to see you try,” Alec breathed out, and then he was taking Magnus’ cock as far down his throat as he could manage.

His movements were precise and his right hand found the base of his boyfriend’s dick easily as his left fingers gripped Magnus’ hip tightly, stopping him from completely ravishing Alec’s face. He could tell Magnus wanted to, could tell he was trying to pick up the pace and make Alec lose control, but Alec wasn’t about to give in that easily.

He sucked Magnus off as slowly as he wanted to, relishing in his boyfriend’s taste and letting his rhythm pick up a few times only to slow it back down at the last second, turning Magnus into an unintelligible mess of words and desperate whines.

“Alexander, please,” Magnus begged. “Please let me fuck your mouth, please. You’ve made your point, I- I know you- You’re fantastic at this but- ah, Alec, fuck. Please.”

His words sounded so wrecked, so weak against the assault of Alec’s mouth, and Alec was only so strong. His boyfriend was pleading now, his thighs trembling as he tried to stay upright, and Alec had never seen anything quite as pretty as that.

His cock was throbbing in between his legs, still stuck in his pants and as eager for relief as Magnus clearly was. So instead of drawing it out for either of them any longer, Alec let go of Magnus’ hip, nodding at his boyfriend once with an encouraging smile before he went back down on the man, his now free hand unzipping his own fly as Magnus bucked into his mouth far more quickly than Alec had anticipated.

He choked on his own spit as Magnus somehow switched their positions around again. Alec was still on his knees, looking up at Magnus as he stroked his own dick with his left hand, but his back was now to the wall, pressed up so he had almost no way of getting away from his boyfriend’s grasp.

He should have been slightly terrified, should have felt trapped, but instead he whimpered enthusiastically and quickened his pace, bucking into his own hand as Magnus used his mouth for his own pleasure. They lost themselves in a sea of wrecked noises and pleas, Alec breathing heavily as Magnus praised him and tugged at his hair repeatedly, barely giving him enough time to catch his breath before he was fucking him again, and again, and again.

They reached their climax almost at the same time, Alec moaning loudly as he came and sending vibrations through Magnus’ body, making him spill into Alec’s mouth less than a second later. They both shook with the effort and the pleasure of finally having gotten what they wanted, and Alec milked every drop he could swallow before collapsing against the wall, taking deep breaths and looking up at his boyfriend dazedly.

“That was…” Alec started, cutting himself off as he realised he didn’t think a single word could encompass what had just happened. “Yeah, I- Thank you for that.”

“And thank you,” Magnus smiled, helping Alec up and pressing a soft kiss to his forehead, his temple, his nose, before finally kissing him on the lips, the gesture warm and caring and making Alec fall a little bit more for the man. “You were incredible, Alexander.”

“You weren’t too bad yourself,” Alec blushed, kissing Magnus once more before pulling away and quickly straightening his clothes, chuckling as Magnus did the same only to smile wryly at his half-nude state. “There really are shirts in here, you know? She usually keeps them in the closet over there, so I’m sure you’ll find something to your tastes. In the meantime, I’m going to try and find those papers.”

Magnus hummed absent-mindedly, already skipping over to the closet Alec had pointed at and going through the many shirts Alec had left behind on the nights he and Clary had spent in the building, pouring over designs and falling asleep at sunrise.

Just as Alec reached Clary’s desk and started going through her drawers, hoping she hadn’t lost the papers – again – the door to the office flew open and Clary stormed in, looking harried and a little crazy.

“Where did I- Holy shit!” She yelped, bringing her hands up to her heart as she spotted Alec. “What the hell are you doing here? Everyone told me you had gone home with Magnus to do tons of terrible things to him, so what are you still doing around… here.”

Her eyes widened as they settled on Magnus, who was in the process of tugging a shirt on over his head. Alec grimaced as his best friend turned back towards him with betrayal written all over her face.

“I can explain, okay, this isn’t what it- I mean, we didn’t- It’s not-” he stumbled over his words, knowing he was only making things worse. “I’m sorry?”

“I can’t believe you! I can’t believe this! I thought we had rules, Alec! I thought we respected each other enough not to- Nope, I don’t even want to think about it. I don’t want to know what happened, I don’t- Oh god, please tell me you didn’t do anything near my desk. Alec, please tell me my favourite desk has not been compromised by… Whatever the hell it is you were doing,” Clary scrunched her nose up in disgust, staring at her desk with horrified eyes.

“Your desk is fine,” Alec winced, realising what his words implied as soon as they were out of his mouth. “Everything is fine, I swear. Maybe just… The wall near the door might need a little disinfecting. Maybe the door too, just to be safe.”

“The door?” Clary yelled, glaring at Alec and Magnus dangerously. “You two are the absolute worst. But now that I know our offices aren’t off the table, I’d double check before stepping into yours.”

“Clary!” Alec cried out as Magnus looked on, clearly amused by the turn of events. “That’s completely different! You’re talking about my sister. You cannot have sex with my sister in my office! That is completely out of the question. If you really want to get revenge, please stick to Magnus’ office.”

“Magnus’ office is mostly made of glass walls,” Clary crossed her arms over her chest, looking distinctly unimpressed. “And if you didn’t want to have to think about Isabelle and I sleeping together in your office, maybe you shouldn’t have slept with your boyfriend in mine first!”

That being said, she grabbed a file from her desk, narrowed her eyes at Alec one last time, and walked back out of the room, shimmying past the door without touching it.

“Is she really mad at us?” Magnus asked once she was gone, lacing his fingers with Alec’s and gently guiding them out of the room, shutting the door behind them carefully. “Because if so, I’m sorry for putting you in that situation. I wasn’t really thinking about the consequences when I led us here, and…”

“She’s cool with it,” Alec rolled his eyes. “She just wants me to sweat a little as I wonder whether or not she’ll go through with her plan to take Izzy to my office for unspeakable acts.”

“Unspeakable acts?”

“This is my sister we’re talking about,” Alec reminded Magnus. “I’m not going to call it anything other than that or else I may be scarred for life. Now, enough about Clary and Izzy. How about we go back to your apartment?”

“Already up for round two?” Magnus grinned cheekily. “Why Alexander, I had no idea you were so eager to get your hands back on me. I might even start thinking you’re only using me for my body if we keep on going like this.”

“I was thinking more of a movie date, maybe dinner? But you know, whatever pleases you,” Alec chuckled. “After all, I’m happy no matter what we do as long as I’m with you.”

Magnus beamed brightly at him, leading him back to the elevator and chattering on about his day and the movies they could watch and how much fun he had had during – and after, he added with a wink – the photoshoot. And all along, Alec just watched him and smiled softly, feeling happier than he had in a very long time.

Not even Izzy’s late night call filled with screaming, squealing and an unhealthy amount of threats was enough to dampen his mood.

[cawfulopinions]

Persona 4 Golden and the Problem of Appealing to a Wider Audience

I’ve been questioning how to go about writing this essay ever since I first finished Persona 4 Golden back in 2013. When I first finished the game, I came out of it not liking it very much – mechanically, it felt unbalanced; and writing-wise, I found it poorer than its original. My opinions on the game have shifted somewhat since then, helped along by the release of Persona 5 and the realization that many of the game’s mechanics were testbeds for that game. However, with time, I’ve found that I can articulate a lot of the problems Golden has with its writing a lot better. What I’ve ultimately settled on is looking at the Persona 4 we were originally given, then looking at its rerelease, and seeing what changed there and why I didn’t like it. Let’s jump in, shall we?

(Note: There will be complaining about Marie. My opinions on that subject sure as hell haven’t changed in the past seven years. Also, there will obviously be spoilers.)

I. A Brief History of Persona 4 as a Franchise

Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 4 (later spinoffs would drop the subtitle) released in the west in 2008 as a follow-up to the very strange (at the time) and very niche Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3. Persona 3 was notable for deciding to go for an urban setting, an avant-garde aesthetic, and heavy philosophical themes, something that was rare for RPGs before 2010 (though not for its own franchise). While Persona 4 kept the philosophical focus of Persona 3, it decided to dial back some of the artsier aspects in favor of a more down-to-earth, focused story. Where P3 told a story about the inevitability of death and took place in a very modern Japanese setting, P4 decides to tell a story about the lies we tell ourselves and takes place in a rustic, rural setting.

Some of the first things that Persona 4 tells you after getting to its setting, Inaba, are that the town really only has one tourist attraction, it’s far from anywhere of real note, and its local businesses are all being driven out of business by the construction of a corporate superstore. It’s relatable, particularly to anyone who’s watched their local mom-and-pops go out of business after a Wal-Mart decided to move in.

The tone of this setting permeates through Persona 4 – all of its characters are pretty down-to-earth, and though there’s some cartoonish exaggeration in their writing, they feel more like real people than your average RPG character. Yosuke is the new kid in town who struggles with feelings of inferiority, something that’s not helped by his dad running the superstore that’s driving everyone out of business. Naoto is a girl with aspirations of becoming a detective, but hides her gender out of a belief that if she does so, she’ll be taken more seriously by the male-dominated police force. Even the game’s idol character, Rise, is someone who quit the business because the pressures of the idol industry became too much for her. Most games would take the opportunity to have an idol character written into the cast as an excuse for a pandering song and dance sequence and to play up her “waifu” aspects. Persona 4 spends the first hour after Rise’s introduced having her in and apron and slacks, serving tofu, and dodging paparazzi.

Persona 4 is not perfect in how it approaches its characters – in particular, Kanji and Naoto’s storylines have gotten a deserved level of flack for having essentially written coming-out stories for a gay man and a transman, and then immediately backing off and “no homo”-ing them. There’s a number of Social Links that end with the character deciding to go do the socially acceptable thing for them to do instead of following their own hearts, too – Yukiko’s comes to mind. But the character conflicts and stories told in the game’s Social Links are grounded and relatable.

The grounded-ness of Persona 4 was what really made it stand out in 2009, a time where RPGs and games as a whole were mostly concerned with showing off the cool things they could do with their engines (keep in mind, this was the early era of the PS3, and Persona 4 was a PS2 game). Looking back, it’s easy to realize that Persona 4 was made as grounded and rustic as it was because of budgetary concerns, but what was done with its limited budget was incredible. It looked at its setting and tone and embraced them, and that helped to make the game stronger.

And it worked! Persona 4 was easily Atlus’s biggest success in the PS2 era. Though the game was hard to find in the United States due to its short print run, it was inescapable online, and the early Let’s Play era helped keep it in the public eye. There’s a large number of people in the English fandom who only knew Persona 4 existed back in the day because of the hiimdaisy comic and the Giant Bomb Endurance Run. Meanwhile, the game was huge in Japan and topped sales charts for weeks.

Source: Gamasutra

And then Atlus almost went out of business! Oops!

Here’s what we know about Atlus at the time that Persona 4 came out: it wasn’t doing good. The PS2 Shin Megami Tensei games were all desperate attempts to try and find success, something that Persona director Katsura Hashino has been fairly public about in interviews. Dataminers examining the PS2 SMT games have found evidence that suggests every game was built on top of the previous, with every game using SMT: Nocturne’s models and basic gameplay system until after Persona 4’s release. Persona 3 and Persona 4 are so similar under the hood that model swap mods are everywhere for the two, with literally the only adjustments necessary being a reordering of animations to account for Persona 4 having a guard animation and Persona 3 not.

Persona 4 was a huge hit, but it wasn’t enough to save Atlus. The last games released under an independent Atlus were Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Survivor (one of my personal favorites) and Shin Megami Tensei: Strange Journey (a massive failure for the company). Following Strange Journey’s release, long-time franchise artist (and, more importantly, producer and creative designer for Strange Journey) Kazuma Kaneko near entirely disappeared from future SMT titles, only credited for writing the scenario concept for SMTIV and as a demon design supervisor for later SMT titles.

Soon after Strange Journey’s failure, Atlus was snatched up by Index Corporation. Very little is known about the internal culture during the Index era, but evidence suggests that it wasn’t great. The first few games Atlus produced after this point were all remakes, save for the strange, marriage-drama focused Catherine, a game that was assuredly in development before Atlus was bought out.

It was the original games and spinoffs that Atlus produced after they were bought by Index that started to show a shift in tone. Devil Survivor 2 is a notably different game than its predecessor (which was made while Atlus was independent). While I won’t get into that too much here (that game’s worth an essay on its own), it decided to trade it’s classical SMT-style aesthetic for something more bombastic and widely-appealing. Many of the characters in that game are better summed up by what anime tropes they appeal to than by their own character arcs, and the game’s plot is an unsubtle ripoff of Neon Genesis Evangelion. And it worked. Devil Survivor 2 very notably sold better than its predecessor despite being a DS game in the 3DS era.

At around the same time as Devil Survivor 2 was released, Atlus was preparing to release the first anime adaptation of Persona 4. Persona 4: The Animation was released in October of 2011, directed by Seiji Kishi (of Angel Beats! fame) and animated by AIC. I’ll leave my thoughts on Seiji Kishi as a director out of this and focus on the content of Persona 4: The Animation instead.

Let’s get one thing out of the way. Persona 4: The Animation is a comedy anime.

The anime is a fairly faithful adaptation of the game in terms of plotline. It follows the game’s story to the letter, hitting every plot beat. When it needs to get serious, it gets serious, and when it nails its emotional beats, it nails them well. While I’ll go on record in saying that I flat out dislike the anime, I won’t deny that certain episodes, like the Nanako arc, are done very well. However, when it doesn’t need to be serious, the anime decides to look at Persona 4’s subtlety in its character arcs, and says, “Subtlety is for cowards.”

There’s an argument to be made that there isn’t time for subtlety in a 24-episode anime, which is why everyone’s character arcs needed to be compressed and character traits shaved down to only the most exaggerated bits. I disagree. You can easily show character without exaggeration in short-form media – the entire short story genre is built off of that exact concept. The decision to shave everyone down to their most basic traits was a decision made to make Persona 4 more accessible to a general anime-watching audience, who likely came in expecting a more action-packed, high energy deal.

And it worked.

For many people, Persona 4: The Animation was their first experience with Persona, period.  The anime was incredibly popular, and it’s clear that at this point, Atlus (or, more likely, Index) realized they’d struck gold. Persona 4: The Animation was the start of a large spate of Persona 4 spinoffs, all of which adopting the character exaggerations of the anime in some form or fashion. Any time you see a scene in a P4 spinoff where Chie’s reduced to her love of meat and kung-fu? Blame the anime. Further original games after this point seemed to take a more mainstream shift as well – Shin Megami Tensei IV and its sequel, Apocalypse, are both very different games than their predecessors, with characters and plotlines seemingly written to appeal to Persona 4’s audience.

Atlus eventually managed to claw their way out from under the hand of Index, mostly because Index got caught up in a huge fraud investigation! Oops! Sega bought a whole bunch of Index at this point, and Atlus has more or less kept on trucking under Sega since. However, the shift in internal priorities hasn’t changed much – Persona 5, while still a good game, is much closer tonally to the games that came out under Index, Shin Megami Tensei V has been AWOL ever since its first preview, and the less said about Catherine Redux, the better.

II. Less is More, and Maybe Inaba Doesn’t Need A Nightclub

Which, after a long detour, brings us back to Persona 4 Golden.

Golden is a remake of Persona 4 with additional content, released for the Playstation Vita (RIP) during the height of its popularity in Japan. Like Persona 3 FES, a previous patch/remake for Persona 3, Golden primarily exists as a gameplay patch to Persona 4 with additional story content in places throughout the game. While most of FES’s additional story was segmented off into the controversial “The Answer” section, Golden’s additional content is peppered haphazardly throughout the game. Because of this integration into the main story, Golden’s issues are more pronounced than FES’s were – in FES, you could just not play “The Answer”. Golden isn’t letting you go home without at least pushing you toward Marie’s dungeon.

Golden feels like it was developed with an understanding that anyone who’s playing it has watched the anime, and decides to lean into chasing that mainstream appeal while also throwing out the intrigue of its plot and setting. This is first evidenced when you boot up the game and watch the opening. While it hits all of the same beats as Persona 4’s opening, Golden’s opening has a much cheerier tune to it, focusing on a dance sequence and colorful visuals instead of the larger tone of the game. It’s not like the Persona 4 opening is completely absent from the game, but you have to go out of your way to watch it, and first impressions are very important.

This change in opening tone is only one example of the general tone of the changes that Golden takes. While there are big issues with the game’s writing (specifically one big one, which, whooo boy, we’ll get to her), most of the issues are in the little things – the new gameplay elements, the new areas you can visit, and the new scenes that were added to the game.

I talked a lot about how important P4’s setting is to its game for a reason: most of Golden’s changes are ones that disrupt the carefully crafted tone and setting of the original game. From things like slice of life scenes about the party buying scooters for themselves, to a winter trip to a ski resort, to a goddamn idol concert on the roof of the supercenter driving everyone out of business, it feels like the game is trying to pull away from its rural setting and down-to-earth tone to appeal to the lowest common denominator: teenage boys who live in Japanese cities.

A big sticking point for me personally has always been that you can visit Okina City in Golden. In Persona 4, you visited the nearby city occasionally in social link events, but never explored it on the whole. It gave a sense that Okina City was somewhere inconvenient to go to – someplace worth going to for a day trip with your friends, but too out of the way to visit on the regular. In Golden, the city and all of its trappings are just a loading screen away. Having a larger setting change like this so easily accessible detracts from Inaba’s setting – it makes the anxieties that several characters have about being trapped by the town feel fake. It detracts from a feeling that’s so integral to the game’s tone.

Also, the first time you go there outside of a Social Link is because Yosuke wants to pick up chicks with his cool new motorcycle.

The first trip to Okina City is ultimately indicative of a larger problem with most of the added scenes in P4G have: because they were written after the anime, they’re written to appeal to anime watchers. You can immediately tell when you’ve entered a scene that is original to P4G because the writing almost immediately drops in quality – characters become less complex, scenes have nothing to do with the plot or character development, and, to be quite honest, the jokes get worse. The Okina City sequence ultimately just ends with a fat joke and another “no homo” moment with Kanji. It’s… really bad.

There’s four more of these additional sequences throughout the game, and they’re all similar slice of life sequences that rely on anime tropes to propel them. The next after this is a beach episode with the rest of your party. After that is the idol concert on the Junes roof, which gets a hastily written tie-in to the plot when an antagonist says that the concert was how he found the party. After that is the entire winter sequence of the game, which caps off with a ski resort trip that leads into the game’s extra dungeon (which we’ll get to), which THEN leads into the game’s second hot springs cutscene, which has even less purpose than the first one.

None of these scenes have any real substance – it feels like they were just included because they actually had the budget to include them this time around. It’s possible that Okina City and the nighttime areas in Inaba were originally intended for the original version of P4, and I’d believe it – the way nighttime jobs are implemented in the original version of the game is particularly awkward, and you visit Okina City enough times in Social Links that I fully believe it was intended for the full game. As for the idol concert sequence, it 100% only exists because they got Rie Kugimiya as Rise’s VA, but couldn’t fit a sequence where she sang into the original version of the game.

The problem is that these inclusions ultimately detract from the original story. They take a game with a pretty firm idea of what kind of tone it wanted to have and muddle it because, fuck that, we have a budget this time and we need more anime tropes, idols, and tsunderes for those kids who came in after watching the anime.

Which brings us to Persona 4 Golden’s biggest issues: its additional Social Links, the winter semester, and its new ending sequence.

III. We have to talk about Marie.

Like Persona 3 FES before it, Persona 4 Golden adds new Social Links to the game. The first of which is the Jester Social Link, which deals with Tohru Adachi, a local police officer and a major character. While I’ve never been a huge fan of this Social Link (I’ve always felt like it made the identity of the culprit too obvious), it’s fairly well received by the fanbase and I can see the argument for its inclusion, so I’m not going to spend time discussing it here.

The other is Golden’s new Aeon Social Link, who manages to encompass most of Golden’s issues in a single character.

Marie is a completely original character to Golden, the first of a long chain of Atlus “remake waifus” – characters who are added to a remake of a game that are intended to appeal to the otaku crowd, rarely fit in with the rest of the game, and introduce large changes to the game’s plot. These characters rarely work because the narrative wasn’t built around them, and the retcons these characters introduce are often detrimental to their games’ original plots or themes.

Marie has all of these problems. She feels like she was written by committee – designed to appeal to an otaku crowd with a fancy design and tsundere personality. On top of that, she’s voiced by a big name seiyuu (Kana Hanazawa), and her plotline is used to fill in gaps with the game’s ending sequence, since the original game struggled with setting it up and the anime barely even bothered to touch it (Persona 4’s True Ending was shuffled off into an OVA in the anime adaptation).

From the moment you first see Marie, it’s obvious that she doesn’t belong. It’s not that her character design is bad, but it doesn’t match with the rest of the game’s tone. This is something of a pattern for her. The first time you meet Marie, it’s in the middle of a scene that was originally dedicated to the protagonist meeting his new family in Inaba. It’s jarring, disrupts a scene that was about setting up the protagonist’s larger family dynamic, and interrupts the flow of the game’s opening sequence.

Personality-wise, Marie is probably the most tropey of Golden’s characters – she’s a tsundere with amnesia, has a mysterious past, writes bad poetry as a hobby, and has a very obvious crush on the protagonist. Romancing her is almost mandated – you’re required to complete her Social Link to access the winter semester of the game, and during the game’s new ending, she calls out the protagonist on television to talk about how much she loves him. You can choose not to romance her if you want, but the game does its best to push you into wanting to do so.

Marie ultimately becomes one of the Velvet Room’s new attendants, though a lot of the evidence suggests that she was intended to become one of your party members originally. This is partially because she has a unique Persona related to her, and partially because the game takes every effort to emphasize how much of a buddy she is to the party. Marie’s Social Link ranks are time gated, usually becoming available after a new party member joins your team. All of these early scenes are dedicated to the protagonist going on dates with Marie, and then a random party member will show up and immediately become friends with her. Probably the most egregious case is during any mid-game hangouts where you don’t rank up, because the entirety of your party will just show up at Junes at the same time as you and Marie. It’s so obviously artificially constructed and honestly feels insulting to the player.

This artificiality feels like it was a writer’s saving throw to justify why the team would go into Marie’s dungeon to save her. The problem is that it’s also an unnecessary move to take. The majority of Persona 4’s plot is about the party entering dungeons to save people that they don’t really know from a serial killer; it stands to reason that the party would decide to help Marie without that extra motivation. But no, it was important to the writers that Marie is also big friends with the party, so we got what we got instead.

Marie’s dungeon comes after the skiing trip that caps off the winter semester, a portion of the game that is only available if you’ve finished her Social Link. The skiing trip is mostly more slice of life/comedy scenes, right up until you get thrust into the TV World to help Marie. The dungeon itself is… notoriously bad. You’re stripped of your equipment and items, and can only use items found within the dungeon to fight back. On top of that, the dungeon constantly drains your HP and MP, and the boss of it can only be damaged by using items that give her elemental weaknesses, because she starts off immune to everything. Here’s hoping you didn’t bring Chie for that fight like I did!

As you go through the dungeon, it’s revealed that Marie was secretly Kusumi-no-Okami, a minor Shinto god in service to Ameno-Sagiri (the game’s first final boss). Kusumi-no-Okami’s purpose is that she’s supposed to observe humanity and suck up all of Ameno-Sagiri’s fog after the conclusion of the game’s plot, which will inevitably kill her. The dungeon ends with the party trying to appeal to Marie to convince her that she doesn’t need to die, and then beating her up to save her. It’s… not particularly well written, but if that was all to Marie’s character after that, it would be fine. Unfortunately, it’s not.

The game proceeds as normal after that point as you approach the actual final boss, Izanami-no-Okami. During the fight with her, there is a sequence where the protagonist is encouraged to keep going by all of his social links. In the original version of the game (assuming that you’ve done their Social Links), this sequence ends with Dojima and Nanako, the family he’s been staying with the whole game, encouraging him to keep going. In Golden, Nanako’s line is immediately followed by Marie showing up, once again taking a sequence about familial love to make it about Marie. It’s… kind of gross!

Then you beat Izanami, and in the scene immediately afterwards, it’s revealed that, just kidding, Marie wasn’t Kusumi-no-Okami after all! She was actually Izanami-no-Mikoto, the good part of Izanami that was shaved off so that she could do her whole evil plot. Once you beat Izanami-no-Okami, she absorbs that evil part back into her and everything is all hunky dory! Conflict resolved completely, no need to worry about it anymore!

The “Marie was actually Izanami all along” reveal undercuts the finale of the game significantly. It comes immediately after what was the final scene before the ending scene, where Izanami pledged to leave humanity’s direction to humans in recognition of your feats. It’s an unnecessary doubling down on a finale that was already pretty definitive, if somewhat bittersweet, by making it unambiguously happy. This remains a theme for Golden’s ending sequence.

Persona 4 ends with the protagonist leaving his friends behind at the end of the year. Though the killer is in jail and the mastermind defeated, Inaba is still in the same melancholy state as it was when the protagonist came to it, and ultimately, he has to leave his friends behind. There’s a bittersweet-ness to its happy ending – no matter what, you have to move on and trust that things will be okay without you. Obviously, the protagonist comes back – there wouldn’t be so many spinoffs if he couldn’t – but it’s important that Persona 4 ends the way it does at that point. It puts a definitive close on the game.

Golden, however, adds an extended epilogue sequence where the protagonist comes back a year later. In this sequence, you find out that Inaba’s businesses are recovering, Namatame (the false antagonist) is running for office with a lot of support from the town, Adachi (the actual antagonist) has been on good behavior in jail, and your party members are all making tracks toward happiness for themselves.

A theme of esoteric happiness runs through this entire sequence – it feels like it entirely exists just to tell the player not to worry, everything is fine now, don’t worry about any other points of conflict. If it was just one of these things, it would have been fine, but the gatling gun of happy endings makes every one of those little victories feel lesser for it. Marie, of course, is inserted into the ending sequence of the epilogue to cap off her involvement. The esoteric happiness started with Marie, and it ends with Marie.

Golden’s epilogue ties every conflict in the game up into a neat little bow, in a way that’s almost entirely at odds with Persona 4’s down-to-home nature. It’s a fantasy that doesn’t acknowledge the uglier parts of life that Persona 4 was all about confronting. It’s the same kind of lie that Izanami accused humanity of wanting to nestle itself into. Marie’s involvement in Golden sums up a lot of that game’s problems, but the epilogue brings them into sharp relief.

IV. So now what?

I wouldn’t call Golden a bad game – I’ve heard a lot of people call it the superior version gameplay-wise, and while I disagree with that (it’s got some balance issues thanks to its new mechanics), it’s definitely the most accessible version. But when it comes to how it relates to its original, Golden throws a lot of what makes it good out the window in favor of appealing to a more general audience with slice of life sequences, more familiar tropes, and a character who mostly exists to sell merchandise and tie up Persona 4’s ending in an unambiguously happy manner.

I realize I’m in the minority here when I talk about what I dislike about Golden – you’ll find a lot of people who dislike Marie, but not a lot who dislike the rest of the package. And if you have a Vita and haven’t played Persona 4 already, then you might as well use it as your entry point into the franchise. However, I can’t help but feel like Golden is the exact point where Persona as a franchise shifted from trying to tell philosophical stories with more grounded characters to chasing mainstream appeal. Even Persona 5, a game that tries to tell a story about very real societal problems, has a lot of the same problems as Golden does, and from what I understand, these problems only got worse with Persona 5 Royal.

At the end of the day, Persona is going nowhere anytime soon – Persona 5 is the best-selling game in the franchise period, and the influence Persona has had on JRPGs in general cannot be understated. But I wouldn’t mind if some of the things I disliked about Persona 4 Golden didn’t come back.

[and-then-there-were-n0ne]

As machine learning and robotics improve in the coming decades, hundreds of millions of jobs are likely to disappear, disrupting the economies and trade networks of the entire world. The Industrial Revolution created the urban working class, and much of the social and political history of the 20th century revolved around its problems. Similarly, the artificial intelligence revolution might create a new “unworking class,” whose hopes and fears will shape the history of the 21st century.

The social and economic models we have inherited from the previous century are inadequate for dealing with this new era. For example, socialism assumed that the working class was vital for the economy, and socialist thinkers tried to teach the proletariat how to translate its immense economic power into political clout. These teachings might become utterly irrelevant in coming decades, as the masses lose their economic value.

In order to cope with such unprecedented technological and economic disruptions, we probably need completely new models. One that is gaining increasing attention and popularity is universal basic income.

UBI suggests that some institution - most likely a government - will tax the billionaires and corporations controlling the algorithms and robots, and use the money to provide every person with a stipend covering basic needs. The hope is that this will cushion the poor against job loss and economic dislocation, while protecting the rich from populist rage.

[…] Yet the formula of universal basic income suffers from several problems. In particular, it is unclear what “universal” and “basic” mean.

When people speak about universal basic income they usually mean national basic income. For example, both Elon Musk and former President Barack Obama have spoken about the need to consider some kinds of UBI schemes. But when Musk said that “There’s a pretty good chance we end up with a universal basic income […] due to automation,” and when Obama said that “whether a universal income is the right model […] that’s a debate that we’ll be having over the next 10 or 20 years,” it is unclear who “we” are. The American people? The human race?

Hitherto, all UBI initiatives were strictly national or municipal. In January, Finland began a two-year experiment, providing 2,000 unemployed Finns with $630 a month, irrespective of whether they find work or not. Similar projects are underway in Ontario, Holland and Livorno, Italy. Last year, Switzerland held a referendum on instituting a national basic income scheme, but voters rejected the idea.

In the U.S, Representative Ro Khanna, a California Democrat, proposes to greatly expand the Earned Income Tax Credit program, boosting the income of poor Americans by about $1 trillion. Though the plan does not promise any stipends to the unemployed, it is seen as a first step towards instituting national basic income.

The problem with such national and municipal schemes, however, is that the main victims of automation may not live in Finland, Amsterdam or the U.S. Globalization has made people in one country dependent on markets in other countries, but automatization might unravel large parts of this global trade network with disastrous consequences for the weakest links.

In the 20th century, developing countries made economic progress mainly by exporting raw materials or by selling the cheap labor of their workers and service personnel. Today, millions of Bangladeshis make a living by producing shirts that are sold to customers in the U.S., while people in Bangalore, India, earn their keep answering the complaints of American customers.

Yet with the rise of AI, robots and 3-D printers, cheap labor will become far less important, and demand for raw materials might also drop. Instead of manufacturing a shirt in Dhaka and shipping it all the way to New York, you could buy the shirt’s code online from Amazon and print it in Manhattan. Zara and Prada stores could be replaced by 3-D printing centers, and some people might even have such printers at home.

Simultaneously, instead of calling customer services in Bangalore to complain about your printer, you could talk with an AI representative in the Google Cloud. The newly unemployed workers and call center operators in Dhaka and Bangalore don’t have the education necessary to switch to designing fashionable shirts or writing computer code - so how will they survive?

Under this scenario, the revenue that previously flowed to South Asia will now fill the coffers of a few tech giants in California, leading to huge strain on developing economies. American voters might conceivably agree that taxes paid by Amazon.com Inc. and Alphabet Inc. be used to give stipends to unemployed coal miners in Pennsylvania and jobless taxi-drivers in New York. However, does anyone think American voters would also agree that part of these taxes should be sent to Bangladesh to cover the basic needs of the unemployed masses there?

Another major difficulty is that there is no accepted definition for “basic” needs. From a purely biological perspective, the only thing a Homo sapiens needs for survival is about 2,500 calories of food per day. Over and above this biological poverty line, every culture in history defined additional basic needs, which change over time.

In Medieval Europe, access to church services was seen as even more important than food, because it took care of your eternal soul rather than of your ephemeral body. In today’s Europe, decent education and health care services are considered basic human needs, and some argue that even access to the internet is now essential for every man, woman and child.

So if in 2050 the United World Government agrees to tax Google, Amazon, Baidu Inc. and Tencent Holdings Ltd. in order to provide a basic income for every human being on earth, from Dhaka to Detroit, how will it define “basic”?

For example, will universal basic income cover education? And if so, what would these services include: just reading and writing, or also composing computer code? Just six years of elementary school, or everything up to Ph.D.?

And what about health care? If by 2050 medical advances make it possible to slow down aging processes and significantly extend human lifespans, will the new treatments be available to all 10 billion humans on the planet, or just to a few billionaires? If biotechnology enables parents to “upgrade” their children, would this be considered a basic human need, or would we see humankind splitting into different biological castes, with rich super-humans enjoying abilities that far surpass those of poor Homo sapiens?

Whichever way you choose to define basic human needs, once you provide them to everyone free of charge, they will be taken for granted, and then fierce social competitions and political struggles will focus on non-basic luxuries - be they fancy self-driving cars, access to virtual-reality parks, or enhanced bioengineered bodies. Yet if the unemployed masses command no economic assets, it is hard to see how they could ever hope to obtain such luxuries. Consequently, the gap between the rich (Tencent managers and Google shareholders) and the poor (those dependent on universal basic income) might become bigger and more rigid than ever.

Hence, even if universal basic income means that poor people in 2050 will enjoy much better medical care and education than today, they might still feel that the system is rigged against them, that the government serves only the super-rich, and that the future will be even worse for them and their children.

People usually compare themselves to their more fortunate contemporaries rather than to their ill-fated ancestors. If in 2017 you tell a poor American in an impoverished Detroit neighborhood that she has access to much better health care than her great-grandparents did in the age before antibiotics, it is unlikely to cheer her up. Indeed, such talk will sound terribly smug and condescending. “Why should I compare myself to nineteenth-century peasants?” she might retort. “I want to live like the rich people on television, or at least like the folks in the affluent suburbs.”

Similarly, if in 2050 you tell the useless class that they enjoy better health care than in 2017, it might be very cold comfort to them, because they would be comparing themselves to the upgraded super-humans who dominate the world.

Modern communication systems make such comparisons almost inevitable. A man living in a small village 5,000 years ago measured himself against the other 50 men in the settlement. Compared to them, he probably looked pretty hot. Today, a man living in a small village compares himself to the 50 most gorgeous hunks on the planet, whom he sees everyday on TV screens and giant billboards. Our modern villager is likely to be far less happy with the way he looks.  Will universal basic income include plastic surgery for everyone?

Homo sapiens is just not built for satisfaction. Human happiness depends less on objective conditions and more on our own expectations. Expectations, however, tend to adapt to conditions, including to the condition of other people. When things improve, expectations balloon, and consequently, even dramatic improvements in conditions might leave us as dissatisfied as before.

If universal basic income is aimed to improve the objective conditions of the average person in 2050, it has a fair chance of succeeding. But if it is aimed to make people subjectively more satisfied with their lot in order to prevent social discontent, it is likely to fail.

- Yuval Noah Harari, 21 lessons for the 21st century

[shinneth]

Gem Ascension Tropes (5XF-specific: R - Y)

Primary General Post ✦ Full Article ✦  Primary Peri Post ✦ Primary 5XF Post 

Rage Breaking Point: When 5XF winds up trapped in a temple chamber shortly after making the decision to live independently and distance herself from Peridot and Steven as much as possible, this happens after enough time has passed. When 5XF attempts to use the tablet she stole from Peridot to escape or find any useful information, she’s instead assaulted with pictures and videos of Peridot’s newfound happy life that 5XF honestly doesn’t believe Peridot deserves. Add in the fact that 5XF has no idea what to really do with her life, and it’s effectively The Last Straw that finally breaks her… causing her to rant furiously to herself, blaming Peridot and Steven for this mess. It isn’t long after this that she experiences her Face-Heel Turn.

Ready for Lovemaking: The end of This is Who I Am Chapter 6 shows her patiently waiting in the nude for Sphalerite to join her in bed. Even Sphalerite (who’s every bit on board with this as her) is impressed how quickly 5XF decides this is what she really wants, despite 5XF having very minimal knowledge on the subject with the couple only realizing they’re in love with each other just minutes ago.

Red Oni, Blue Oni: As far as This is Who I Am is concerned, she is very much the Blue to Peridot’s Red. She’s also clearly the Blue to Steven’s Red in Chapter 2.

Redemption Quest: 5XF is pretty much required to go with the Crystal Gems to face Gypsum whether or not she committed horrible, unspeakable acts, but since she did, most are seeing her participation in this mission as this.

The Resenter: Much of 5XF’s struggles and inner conflict stems from how wrong it feels that Peridot ended up not only becoming a better gem, but was blessed with so much freedom to find herself, live her life as she wished, gained a loving family as well as a dedicated boyfriend… meaning unlike all other Peridots, she actually got to experience true love. Then there’s also everything that goes into Peridot’s role as a Chosen One/Unwitting Test Subject that makes her distinct and objectively superior to her kind. She’s basically gone from being a sadistic, sociopathic, backstabbing bitch to now becoming the savior of all gemkind who is now inexplicably a loving, caring, and moral role model. She’s learned to forgive herself for her past transgressions, and even seeing Peridot’s Character Development through a Mental Picture Projector isn’t enough to make 5XF believe any of this is just. While 5XF is to some degree jealous of her sister’s success and good fortune, she earnestly believes this is all far more than what Peridot actually deserves considering what she was like for the vast majority of her short life. Unfortunately, This is Who I Am ramps this trope up to entirely new levels as Sphalerite becomes part of 5XF’s life… and she’s basically at Peridot’s mercy to ever have a chance at seeing her again.

Same Surname Means Related: Invoked by Steven who, much to Peridot’s chagrin, continuously calls 5XF her “big sister” since she’s currently the only other Facet-2F5L Cut-5X Peridot they know is still around.

Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness: Downplayed, at least compared to Peridot. 

Sibling Yin-Yang: Zig-Zagged with Peridot. While the two started out having virtually nothing in common, it should be evident in this trope listing alone that 5XF’s new life on Earth has exposed several traits and mannerisms of hers that happen to align with Peridot’s on several occasions. Nearly all of said traits have been revealed with little to no influence from her little sister, so they are genuine shared traits. That being said, 5XF’s core mannerisms consistently contrast with Peridot’s – Garnet even assures 5XF that no Crystal Gem will ever confuse her for Peridot or regard her as a carbon copy. So, while 5XF does have more in common with her sister than she’ll ever care to admit, she easily retains more than enough opposing traits after her Character Development to not only stand out as her own person, but as a Foil to our Hero Protagonist.

Small, Secluded World: While this was also the case with Peridot, this trope is more applicable to 5XF since Peridot did eventually get promoted and moved beyond her initial limited environment on Homeworld. 5XF had no intention of overachieving, so she remained confined to one facet for the majority of her life and seldom met gems that weren’t fellow Peridots. Being so low in the caste system meant her kind had very limited clearance to access areas beyond their workstations.

Sour Outside, Sad Inside: Most apparent in 5XF’s earliest scenes, though it makes a brief comeback in Chapter 4 of This is Who I Am, then returns with a vengeance after Sphalerite defuses in Chapter 7. Generally downplayed, as 5XF does have very prominent Tsundere traits.

Star-Crossed Lovers: With Sphalerite. Being in love with a fusion is by design not meant to last; even a best-case scenario where the two are willing to make the effort to stay together despite that hurdle (which they currently are) is made all the harder to maintain when the fusion 5XF fell in love with is Steven and Peridot’s – two gems she mildly dislikes at best. Since Steven and Peridot are an Official Couple in their own right (and are the protagonists of this continuity), that leaves an unfortunate situation where the two relationships literally can’t coexist. The only chance 5XF has to secure her relationship with Sphalerite would be for Steven and Peridot to forego their individual lives to keep Sphalerite as a perma-fusion similar to Garnet. They not only aren’t willing to make that kind of sacrifice, but the nature of the post-GA state of the world wouldn’t let it happen even if they did concede to trade their individual lives for their fusion. The best 5XF can hope for is for Sphalerite to be formed in the future and pray Steven and Peridot are merciful enough to give the couple any time together. Considering the massive breach of trust caused by 5XF and Sphalerite’s first outing, it’ll be a long time before 5XF can count on seeing her. Unlike most aspects of this continuity, Status Quo is God won’t budge on this.

Starting a New Life: As of This is Who I Am, 5XF’s life as a Homeworld gem is over. She’s the first of millions of refugee gems rescued at the end of GA prior to Homeworld’s destruction to be brought out and face her situation. 5XF is understandably overwhelmed; a completely different planet, the concept of living her own life freely and making her own decisions, and finding out the kind of gem she was truly meant to be; the gem Homeworld tried to keep buried forever. These are all vast improvements to what 5XF had before, but naturally it takes her a while to understand that.

Straight Gem: When paired with Steven or Peridot, 5XF most certainly is.

Street Smart: Exclusive to Homeworld, and yet another shared trait with Peridot. However, this is one area where 5XF outshines her sister; while they had similar strategies for surviving Homeworld life itself, 5XF’s approach was overall a much safer and more sensible way to go. Her curious nature combined with her emphasis on caution (an aspect her sibling largely lacked) made 5XF very knowledgeable about the world around her and just how low that glass ceiling for her kind was. Although Homeworld no longer exists by the time 5XF becomes an active member of the cast, her knowledge still proves to be useful, and can offer the Crystal Gems unique insight on how to approach the rest of the refugee gems when they’re liberated. She overall has the best understanding of how the refugees will perceive the Crystal Gems and could be an invaluable asset as a mediator between the two groups.

Successful Sibling Syndrome: Once 5XF accepts that Peridot and the cruel, sadistic 5XG she knew of are one and the same, it doesn’t take long for 5XF to start reeling from this – especially once it’s made apparent that her once-awful sister is now going to be a figurehead and a role model for their fellow kin. In all fairness, most of 5XF’s anguish in this trope stems from the justified sentiments that Peridot’s past history should automatically disqualify her from earning a position where she is to be looked up to. She also feels Peridot in general has done far too much evil to even deserve the happy life she ended up with – finding true love with Steven is especially a sore spot, since 5XF makes it clear their kind never had the personal rights to ever achieve something like that on Homeworld. There are elements of typical superficial sibling-based jealousy (Gypsum actually exploits that to entice 5XF to inherit her powers), and 5XF is all too aware nothing she could do would ever help her stand out as much as her sister. However, those sentiments are largely secondary to the elder Peridot’s strong feelings of how much of an injustice it is that her sister achieved legitimate success at all, based on the horrible crimes that were committed for the majority of her lifespan.

Too Good to Be True: This is how 5XF interprets Steven and Peridot’s efforts in convincing her that Earth is a great place to live and how she’ll enjoy living life on her terms to find out who she truly was meant to be now that the Diamond Authority is no longer around to suppress it. Steven and Peridot apparently tried a little too hard to sell 5XF on this concept, resulting in an initial backfire.

Took a Level in Kindness: Starting with This is Who I Am Chapter 6, 5XF is actively doing what she can to atone for her malicious actions in the previous two chapters. She takes calls for Steven and Peridot while they’re incapacitated and even makes a point to inform Lapis that she and Peridot are due to have an important conversation after the vacation ends in the interest of preparing Lapis for what Peridot will have to say to her. While Sphalerite was definitely the biggest influence in getting 5XF to better herself, the truth is that her lingering guilt from what she put Steven and Peridot through makes 5XF resolved to properly atone, even if it means she’ll face a harsh punishment for it. 

Tsundere: Contrasts with Peridot here, as she’s more of a tsuntsun Type 1 (with a dash of the Type 2), but does share the deredere Type 6 trait.

Uptight Loves Wild: Being very sophisticated and mild-mannered compared to her sister while not living on Earth long enough to really know how to live by her own rules (her one attempt backfired in a very traumatizing way), 5XF was definitely enchanted by Sphalerite’s more casual, free-spirited approach to life and discovering her true identity through exploring the world on her own terms, opposed to the heavy front-loading of exposition that Peridot and Steven fed her.

Vengeance Feels Empty: After taking her frustrations out on Peridot and Steven throughout Chapters 4 and 5 of This is Who I Am, 5XF finds that she isn’t feeling any kind of fulfillment or catharsis while she watches the traumatized pair sob into each other’s arms. If anything, it makes 5XF feel like a monster, and she soon wholeheartedly regrets her actions enough to strive for atonement.

Willing Channeler: Albeit her decision was made while under duress in a very fragile emotional state, 5XF nonetheless agreed to a binding contract with Gypsum, despite the latter being nothing more than a voice in 5XF’s head. She did this in order to have the ability to ward away Steven and Peridot, but the surge of power twisted her mind and compelled her to go much further than that. 5XF has since acknowledged her consent to this power was a mistake and is resolved to atone for what she did as Gypsum’s power vessel. However, now that 5XF is bound to a Clingy MacGuffin that happens to contain Gypsum’s consciousness, it’s very likely 5XF’s consent will be irrelevant when Gypsum is revisited in the future.

Worth Living For: 5XF was very cynical about the concept of “living for herself” on an alien planet she knew nothing about primarily because she lacked this trope. When she met Sphalerite, that finally changed. After getting to know her, 5XF has been much more receptive to embracing Earth as her new home and looks forward to building her new life on her own terms.

You Are Number Six: Called 5XF for short, but played with in that as of This is Who I Am, Steven intends to think up a more legitimate name for her (as he plans to do for all the other refugees). He’s even willing to let 5XF choose her own if she doesn’t like any of his ideas.

You Can’t Go Home Again: Since 5XF doesn’t have much inherent love for Homeworld and didn’t spare a tear upon learning of its fate, this is generally downplayed. However, by Chapters 4 & 5 of This is Who I Am, when 5XF attempts to split away from Steven and Peridot to live solely on her own terms, she’s finding little reason to actually want to live on Earth – at the same time, she’s now aware the Homeworld colonies won’t be safe for her, and the fact that Homeworld isn’t even an option for her does cause her distress, as it leaves 5XF completely clueless as to where she belongs. By Chapter 6, however, 5XF has completely moved past this trope; with Sphalerite in her life at this point, she’s already decided home is wherever the fusion will be. 5XF has also gotten a positive touring experience on Earth, with certain memorable features further enticing her to embrace this planet as her new home.

[moiraineswife]

Percy Meta: Potential

The dam finally broke and now here is the Percy meta that...None of you have really been waiting on, but which has been inevitable for at least two weeks. Most of this is probably like...obvious af, and I’m well aware I’m late to the party but also I feel good about my present state of Revelation so like, deal with it. 

This ain’t gonna be short. At all. This ain’t even gonna think about being short. Y’all have been warned. 

For a little bit now, I’ve been struggling somewhat between the slight chasm between the way the audience (and me) respond to Percy, and the way Taliesin seems to respond to Percy, mostly in terms of the way they judge/see him, and Taliesin has said several times that he considers Percy to be a bad person which was something my tiny, protective little brain couldn’t wrap its head around. But I think I get it, and I think it has almost 100% to do with the way that Percy sees the world around him. 

Percy sees the world in terms of its potential. 

Most people see a lump of black powder; Percy sees bullets. Most people see steel and wood; Percy sees a gun. Most people see things as they are; Percy sees them for what they could be. 

This is something that drives...A huge amount of his life tbh. All of his tinkering projects emerge from this way of seeing the world. The wheels are always spinning, and he’s always thinking of ways to reinvent the wheel. And then what else he can do with the wheel. And what he can do with that and on and on and on. 

I think Percy wanders around a world in which everything he comes across is a raw material. It’s something he can use to make something else, something bigger, something cleverer, something better. 

But I ALSO think that this way of thinking is what makes up his sense of morality, as well as his view on the world, and his view on himself. 

[Please now venture beneath the cut to continue listening to me cry rivers about Percy de Rolo and his ‘you need a therapist, child’ psychology] 

Percy also sees people for their potential. Which makes him incredibly interesting if you rather like picking apart a characters’ sense of morality (which, spoiler alert: I do) Most people, I think, will tend to base their judgements of others on a)- what they do or b)- why they do it. 

This gives rise to the ways most people understand the world. They either flat out think: killing is wrong, that is a wrong act, whatever the circumstances. Or they consider, well, yes, killing is wrong in most cases, but if you look at why this person killed - to protect, for instance, then in that case they would forgive. Obviously things get much more nuanced than that, but basically that’s how it goes. 

I don’t think Percy really thinks that way. I don’t think he really judges people based on what they’ve done, or why they’re doing it. I think he judges people on what they may do in the future. The more likely they are to do more harm, the worse of a person they are in his eyes. 

For context/a source of what sparked all this, I’m in the middle of episode 67 at the moment, and they’re just reintroducing Ripley to the narrative, and Percy is coming to terms with the effect he’s had on her, and the fact that someone else in the world is producing guns - which has the potential to change said world astronomically. 

This has produced a lot of Very Telling Percy moments, but the one I’m most thinking about is his reasoning behind why his decision to let Ripley live when they found her in Whitestone was wrong. 

Percy sees this in very simple terms, which he explains to Vax and Vex: he should have killed Ripley because she was a greater threat to the world in the future than the Briarwoods were (as far as he understood it at the time). Letting the Briarwoods live would have meant a couple more vampire-things in the world, world’s full of them already, not as big a deal. Letting Ripley live could, in his eyes, cause the deaths of hundreds, if not thousands of people, perhaps more, because of the knowledge that she has, and her potential to unleash his designs and his guns on the world. 

This is...A seriously interesting way of looking at things. Especially when you consider the fact that the Briarwoods are like...Solely responsible for the deaths of Percy’s entire family, the loss of his home, the loss of like...Everything, pretty much. If he’s judging people on their past actions he’s got every damn right to consider them as far worse than Ripley. 

But he doesn’t. He considers her evil. Purely evil. She is the only thing we’ve seen thusfar that actually scares Percy. Percy who was the first to jump into the swirling ball of fire that took them to the elemental plane. Percy that made a deal with a demon and didn’t truly fear that. Percy who confronted an ancient, soul-devouring sword without so much as blinking. Percy fears Ripley. Percy judges Ripley as the most dangerous, and the most terrible being he has ever encountered, because Percy looks at this woman and doesn’t see what she’s done, doesn’t even really see what she’s presently doing, he sees what she may do in the future, and that is what terrifies him. 

But I think this concept gets even MORE interesting when you note that Percy applies this way of thinking to himself. 

And I think that THIS is what causes the rift between the way he views himself, and the way the rest of the world (and, out-of-world, the way the audience views him) because we are, essentially, judging two entirely different people. 

The people around Percy, and the audience, are responding to Percy in the moment.  They’re responding to the Percy that they can see at present. 

Percy is judging the Percy that he can see five, ten, twenty years down the line, the monster that man has the potential to become, and the horrifying change he has the potential to wreak upon the world. 

Percy takes a strange, twisted almost delight in being mistrusted by those closest to him. When he asks Vax if Vax trusts him and Vax hesitates he isn’t insulted, he isn’t offended, or upset, or unsettled, he is pleased. He encourages this view of himself. And I think this is because he wants those around him to perceive him as he perceives himself, as the threat that he poses, as the thing that he could become. 

There was a moment a  few episodes back, which I’m sure has been very thoroughly discussed in-fandom already, in which Percy told Vax, “ And in return I ask: never take your eyes off me. Never trust me. And that is the best friend that you can me." And this is absolutely founded on the same logic. 

Percy will accept like. Percy will accept friendship. Percy will even, to an extent, accept love, and that those around him love him. The thing Percy will never accept is trust. And I think that is because all of those other things, friendship, and liking, and even love, are all rooted in the present. They’re all immediate, and they don’t carry any kind of impact on the future. 

Trust does. Trust implies a certain investment, and trust carries with it a ripple effect. If Percy is trusted in the present, that could lead to some terrible consequences in the future. Trust is based on the potential. It’s based on unknowns - to trust someone is to accept that you don’t fully know what they’ll do, what they’ll choose, but you have faith they’ll do the right thing, and this is what terrifies Percy, I think. 

Percy wants to be mistrusted. Percy wants to be watched. Because Percy’s imagination has carried him about six steps ahead of everyone else, and he’s looking at the worst case scenario of the monster he might become, and his rejection of trust is his safeguard against that. If he’s not trusted, if he’s watched, if he’s stopped, then maybe, just maybe, they can avoid that. 

And what’s more interesting is that I don’t think any of this is rooted in a desire to palm responsibility off on someone else. Percy has a fairly deep self-awareness, probably too deep, in fact, and for all his flaws, he takes responsibility for himself, for his actions, and for the consequences of those actions. This isn’t about trying to pass blame, this is about his innate fear and mistrust of himself and his desire for others to see that. 

And so i think that this is why Percy sees himself as a terrible person, and where that pit of self-loathing in him comes from, that the others have a hard time accepting/coming to terms with (fucking Vax has said he believes Percy to be a good person, like damn son that’s some reference) is that Percy’s judging future!Percy, and everyone else is judging present!Percy. 

Because present Percy isn’t, as far as I can see, a terrible person. But Percy is fully aware of the monster that he has the capacity to become. And I think he hates that person, and he hates the fact that the potential of it is inside him as he is, and that’s what causes his judgement of himself, his hatred of himself. 

And there’s something...So deeply painful about that. Because in some senses I can almost understand him judging the rest of the world and all the people in it on these terms, especially when the weight of protecting that world has been partially shoved onto Percy’s shoulders. It’s a tactical and it’s a pragmatic and it’s a logical morality, and it’s pretty damn perfect for Percy. He’s able to prioritise and weigh threats, essentially, he’s able to see what’s the biggest threat, and then works to counter that. Very suited for the life of a monster-hunter, and even a soldier to an extent, methinks. 

The problem is it’s a less than perfect personal morality. He hates himself for something he may not ever become. He judges himself a monster for things that haven’t yet happened, and may never happen. He hates a thing that is by no means certain, or inevitable, it’s only the faintest shred of a chance, but that alone is enough for him to condemn himself, and that’s a dark, lonely, painful way to live. 

And to just dig a little bit deeper (I swear I’m nearly done, I swear) into the veritable goldmine of analysis potential that is Percy de Rolo, this dovetails with another fundamental part of Percy’s character (as far as I see him anyway) which is: legacy. 

Percy was born and raised in a noble family, and was probably educated on legacy from the age at which he was able to understand what that word meant. He is literally the walking personification of the concept of legacy. Percy and his nine hundred names has become something of a running joke, I get that, but I also think his emphasis on it is significant for two things: 

1)- when he left Whitestone, his name was the only thing of his past that he had left. As far as he knew, his entire family was dead, and his house, lands, people, and future were all in the hands of their killers. 2)- It’s generated, presumably, by various names of historical significance to the de Rolo family, that had to be carried on in Percy the same way a bloodline is carried on. It’s a constant reminder of the pressure to live up to his history, but also to preserve and to continue it. And with Percy as, what he thought for some time, the last de Rolo, that makes this even more of a weight on his shoulders. 

He has that beautiful speech during the Westruun arc about how he will live as long as Whitestone lives. It’s a really poignant moment (And I want to know who taliesin jaffe sold his soul to for these lines, but I’ll explore that at a later date) but it’s also super-revealing in terms of Percy. 

Percy does not really consider himself in that moment an individual. Percy is a multitude. Percy is the history that has been written, and the history that is yet to be written. He is a single page in a much larger book. And he’s deeply aware, and also deeply comfortable with this ideal. (Which is also very interesting, because most people have trouble when considering their own mortality/limited purpose/place in the grand scheme of the universe) 

And what Percy considers ‘the human soul’ in this moment is the things that they build with their ‘tiny moments’. Cities will stand (barring dragon-attacks and death marble destruction) for generations after those that built them set the first stones. Books and historical records will last even longer. But the truly impactful thing here is that Percy considers a person’s soul that which they create, and that which they leave behind.

So, with that in mind, if Percy creates and leaves behind Ripley, and his guns, that makes for a rather twisted, dark, violent soul. He specifically says in that episode that when he doesn’t leave any record of his creations - his notes are destroyed/put away once he’s finished making whatever it is he’s making, and he specifically asks the rest of Vox Machina to destroy all of his creations after he’s gone. He does not want that to be his legacy, he doesn’t want that to be what he leaves behind, he doesn’t want that to be the mark of his human soul on this world. 

This all explains why he is so haunted and disturbed by Ripley’s existence, and also why he sees himself as a bad person. And it’s actually a really interesting, nuanced look at the trope of a character being obsessed with their legacy. I think this gives it a real substance, and grounding, and meaning, and feeling. There are reasons behind this, very deep reasons behind this obsession with what he will become, and what he will leave behind, and the fact his moral sense is based on that is even more fascinating and just...All the awards to Taliesin Jaffe for Percy’s character, honestly, because he builds this up so well, and understands and responds to the nuances of Percy’s character and trauma so damn well. 

TL;DR: Percival Fredrickstein Von Musel Klossowski de Rolo III has some very serious psychological scars related to legacy, and is so afraid of what future!Percy may look like, he hates present!Percy for even entertaining the possibility of future!Percy by like...Existing. 

Wow this was a marathon. If u got to the end of it a)- thank u and b)- i feel for u bc u probably have as many Percy feelings as me, and correspondingly little soul or heart left so like...I feel for u, friend, I feel for u. 

[aion-rsa]

Archer Season 12 Producers Break Down Malory’s Goodbye And Tease What Lies Ahead

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This article contains spoilers for the Archer season 12 finale.

Archer season 12 has been a fascinating year of self-reflection that’s pushed its characters to difficult, new places–both personally and professionally–while they attempt to finally deal with their baggage. Archer and its cast so effortlessly use humor as a defense mechanism that it can hit even harder when these characters let down their walls, which has been omnipresent during the tail-end of this season. 

“Mission: Difficult,” the culmination of Archer’s 12th season acts as a satisfying endpoint for the narrative that this stretch of episodes has explored, but it also makes some very interesting decisions when it comes to the show’s future. Archer’s executive producer Casey Willis, along with producer and director Pierre Cerrato, help unpack the events of this finale, the return of Barry (and Other Barry), Malory’s exit, and what’s next for these seasoned, sarcastic spies in season thirteen. 

Archer Season 12 Episode 8 – “Mission: Difficult”

Written by Mark Ganek “Archer is trapped inside IIA headquarters and Barry is trapped inside Other Barry.”

DEN OF GEEK: Now that this season has wrapped up, what were the biggest themes and ideas that you wanted to communicate across these episodes?

CASEY WILLIS: Themes for the season are sometimes an organic process. We go into the season with  pretty broad concepts, but as the episodes are written the themes narrow or branch off into related areas. One of the biggest themes this season was small business (The Agency) vs. large corporations  (IIA). I think we hit that one pretty well. We also wanted Lana to struggle with…well, everything: career, motherhood, marriage, etc. We wanted to contrast what she had in season 11 with what she  was going through in season 12. It was also exciting to work with the diverse writing staff this season and see what everyone was able to contribute to their scripts and the Archer universe.

PIERRE CERRATO: I think particularly with Lana, she served as a reflection of what a lot of us were going through. Not so much the billionaire husband thing, but just all the doubts and confusion 2020/2021 cast on everyone.

“Mission: Difficult” ties up a lot of the loose threads from “Colt Express” and continues that story. Did it always seem like the right approach to conclude the season in this big two-part manner?

PIERRE CERRATO: It’s hard to think of our finale as a single episode. We would not have been able to get through everything in that timeframe. We could definitely do a “Snyder Cut” of the two-parter.

CASEY WILLIS: We also had a lot of fun ideas for Eric André and “Colt.” Even with the two-parter, there were some really funny things that ended up on the cutting room floor.

Barry (and Other Barry) make their triumphant return here and much of this finale focuses on the bond that’s grown between Sterling and Barry. Why was now the right time to bring back Barry and explore this relationship?

PIERRE CERRATO: It made sense that the big box version of a spy agency would try to add a killing machine like Barry to their roster. I’m not sure how Dave Willis feels about this, but if we include Barry too much throughout a season, each scene feels a bit less special. Barry/Other Barry is such a delightful agent of chaos that we want to make sure he appears on special occasions. You know, like a two-parter season finale. 

CASEY WILLIS: Plus, as great as Barry was in season 11, Barry truly shines as a villain. In the season 12  finale, we got the best of both worlds!

Robert has been an important part of the show for the past few seasons, but it feels like this finale definitively gets rid of him and has Lana ready to move on. Can you talk a little on the trajectory of their relationship and if there’s now a possibility of a permanent Sterling and Lana reunion? Or have they both moved past that?

CASEY WILLIS: We are still determining Robert’s future, but it does feel like a chapter of his and Lana’s relationship has ended. As for Archer and Lana, in the early seasons of the show there was always a “will they, won’t they” dynamic to their relationship. During the coma seasons, we got a glimpse  into the importance of Lana in Archer’s world. So, with the small scene in Archer’s bedroom, our goal was to show a deep understanding between Archer and Lana and express how much they truly care for one another. 

PIERRE CERRATO: I don’t quite see Lana getting into a scenario where she feels Archer is her only choice and “settles.” I don’t think it’s a “devil-you-know” situation with her. I agree that they truly care for each other.

Ray’s soft defection to the IIA is one of the bigger turns at the end of the season. How early was this figured out, did you ever consider somebody else to turn over instead of Ray, and at any point was this ever more of a permanent defection for Ray’s character?

CASEY WILLIS: We decided early on to have Ray playing both sides. We planted the seed in the first episode of season 12 (“Yup! Butt warmers”). Ray felt like the natural choice as the defector because he’s always had a bubbling resentment for The Agency and his co-workers. 

PIERRE CERRATO: I don’t think Ray’s defection was ever going to be a permanent one. They’re family, y’all!

With Malory’s exit there are a number of directions that could be taken with the future of Agency and who’s in charge. Can you expand a little on the decision to have them get bought out by IIA and for Fabian to ostensibly become their new bosses?

PIERRE CERRATO: That feels like another “you’ll have to wait-and-see” scenario.

Can you indicate if the series may return to the ongoing mystery of Archer’s father now that his mother is out of the picture? Is the mysterious mover character who helps Sterling throughout the episode supposed to be a hint in that regard?

PIERRE CERRATO: I don’t think it’s ever been out of the scope of ideas to investigate. This season we saw how McGinley and the events of Archer’s first mission cast the die for the world’s greatest spy we all know and love. I kept saying to myself, “how cool is it that we can still tell this kind of story  after 12 seasons and it’s still interesting?!” It was also a major bonus that we were able to get Bruce Campbell for the role of McGinley!

One of this season’s best episodes was the flashback heavy “Dingo, Baby, Et Cetera” that gets into Sterling’s roots. Do you see season 13 possibly returning to that well again?

CASEY WILLIS: We joked a lot internally about how it took us 12 seasons to get a backstory episode for Archer. I don’t know if we will do another flashback heavy episode next season. Perhaps we will wait until Season 24 to do it again!

This season hops all across the globe with Agency’s many missions, but were there any destinations that they didn’t visit that you wish that they could have?

CASEY WILLIS: Thanks for noticing the globetrotting! First off, a big shout out to all the artists who  worked on designing and making the backgrounds this season. I really like going to different settings in Archer, but it makes for a lot of work. We want to get the details correct so our Art Directors are plotting out landmarks in London or researching signage in Tokyo. We have some cool ideas for new locations in Season 13, but I don’t want to spoil anything.

DEN OF GEEK: Is Pam ever going to get those bangs?

PIERRE CERRATO: I hope so! Think of all the portmanteau possibilities!

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Our breakdown of the rest of Archer’s 12th season and previous writers’ room walkthroughs on earlier seasons are also available. 

The post Archer Season 12 Producers Break Down Malory’s Goodbye And Tease What Lies Ahead appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[albertsprivateblog]

#1

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Speaking of writing, which is I guess all that I ever write about, I read some journal entries of Sylvia Plath today. It was a strange experience. I felt like I was transported temporarily into the mind of another person, a young woman in this case. She writes her entries with such remarkable clarity, an authorial voice that I’ve always struggled to see myself possessing (Not that I want to be an author). I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between her journals and a published work of fiction. My journals when I was 18 and younger had nowhere near that level of elegance, and instead you’d find a mixture of cringey spammed excitement and incoherent existential queries. My tumblr private blog, suffice to say, is not my best work.

I apologize beforehand to myself or to anyone else who is about to read this paragraph.

(In the future, I want to write on honing down the reason I’m so fixated on my perception of my writing lacking that “authorial mark” (Maybe (Probably) it’s because I don’t read enough which means writing down my thoughts may be fun, but reading them a clunky mess) (It may also be because I participate in self-criticism while I’m writing (I mean who doesn’t) and while I’m thinking (which has actually been a positive habit in my life(I want to write more about this later)) and that these branches of self-criticism and divergent thought aren’t really conducive to the linear experience of reading (Wouldn’t it be funny if I made an interactive journal with branching paths and everything? It would actually make so much sense considering I’m a game designer(As much as I want to comment on shuddering at the feeling of calling myself anything whether it be a writer or game designer, I would also like to say to myself that it’s not that serious)), and also whether or not it’s a good idea to write down immediate raw thoughts that manifest themselves to me in parentheticals).

I started reading Sylvia Plath because there was an excerpt that caught my attention a year or two ago: 

“Yes, my consuming desire is to mingle with road crews, sailors and soldiers, barroom regulars — to be a part of a scene, anonymously, listening, recording — all this is spoiled by the fact that I am a girl, a female always supposedly in danger of assault and battery. My consuming interest in men and their lives is often misconstrued as a desire to seduce them, or as an invitation to intimacy. Yes, God, I want to talk to everybody as deeply as I can. I want to be able to sleep in an open field, to travel west, to walk freely at night…” - Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

I read that in passing somewhere, Twitter, Reddit, Google Images, who knows. But I was so drawn to this passage that it somehow stuck with me all these years, to the point where I asked Twitter about *the name of a poem about a woman wanting to talk to truck drivers, but can’t because she’s a woman*. Surprisingly, my old coworker and  D&D player, Hannah, came in clutch almost immediately with the title and a screenshot of the passage.

Maybe I was so drawn to this passage because I related to it so deeply and honestly, as much a guy could relate to an experience caused under the circumstances of being a woman. But it was the longing to mingle with strangers, “to be part of a scene, anonymously, listening, recording”, the freedom to walk down the path of understanding someone to their core. Somewhere along that path there is a wall blocking the way, in my case it isn’t womanhood, but it’s the practicality of everyday life. That wall is my impatience with others when they fail to articulate their thoughts and feelings, that impenetrable masculine stoicness when I try to know guys, and the dangerous and inevitable sexual attraction that boils up when I try to know girls. That wall is there in all my familial relationships, my friendships, but thankfully not my relationship, which is why I treasure it so much. 

It’s occasionally lonely, and had I not built a deep relationship with myself and with Lisel, that loneliness would be crippling. But even so, those fleeting moments when I feel far away from everything still ache. Especially when I think of the people whose lives around me are so tumultuous, or people who feel trapped inside their own head, when I think of my struggling sister, or the Michael who nobody wanted to talk to. I feel pity and guilt for my inaction despite the glaring truth that I’m capable of helping people ,or at the very least, capable of trying to. Then there’s also that longing to find people who I admire, who I long to observe and prod for their internal processes, someone to contend and compete with. There are so many people who have their own answers that I could never figure out on my own.

I think for most of my life, I never felt “part of a scene”. There’s always this considerable distance between me and the people I care about, and the people who care about me. I’ve always felt that I was watching from afar, laughing and crying to myself, a comfortable distance away from the claustrophobia of intimacy. And yet, the casualness of groups had always given me a hollow sensation that I never feel when I’m by myself. That’s another wall: having to wade through the shitty muck of casual conversations, personal baggage, and human flaws. You usually gotta dig through the dirt to find gold. Sometimes it’s all just dirt. 

Which brings me to the thought I had this morning that I originally wanted to write about. After thinking about my sister, and my own battle against my shitty habits, I realized that I kind of forget I have free will sometimes. It’s like what my dad would say to me as a kid whenever my reluctance from eating vegetables went on for too long, “It’s all in your head.” Albeit it completely ignores the reality of mental health being a real and legitimate obstacle, sometimes it’s what I need to hear. Even though most of the day I’m making choices about what to eat, what to play, it usually doesn’t feel like I’m exercising my free will. 

This is of course, the distinction between unconscious habit, and conscious thought. Both have their place, unconscious habit saves us from spending the mental toll of actively making choices all day, and conscious thought is what takes the wheel when our habits drive us off a cliff (hopefully much sooner than that). 

When it comes to longing for deeper relationships and conversations, I’m not in an inescapable scenario. I’m fortunate enough that I’m not circumstantially trapped due to my gender or society or anything like that. What drew me to that passage was relating to Plath’s loneliness, but also the realization that despite the fact that I feel these walls are insurmountable, most of my walls are really just in my head, not physical or societal.  I can actively put my mind to jumping through these hurdles, because frankly, my walls aren’t as tall as Sylvia Plath’s. It also reminds me why it’s so important to break down these walls that prevent other people from surmounting their challenges. 

---

And since it’s relevant, I broke down a wall yesterday. I talked to my sister after she got into a fight with dad, and gave her advice on her whole situation. I don’t normally talk to anyone in my family in that way, and I don’t think she does either, so it was new for both of us. She’s slippery, it’s hard to get her to empathize with my parents, and she seems to be stuck in her head with layers upon layers of defense mechanisms. I don’t know if she’ll be alright in the end yet, and like I said, I feel guilty that I haven’t done more to help during these past years. But it's a first step.