#but I listen to so few audiobooks I don’t know if that matters

[piinksdoll]

→ [Bed Chem | Spencer Reid]

Pairing~ Spencer Reid x Singer!Reader

Genre~ fluff, very suggestive

Word Count~ 2.2k

Warnings~ sexual innuendos, spencer being an awkward cutie

a/n~ very fluffy and cute but also VERY suggestive, and I know some of the lyrics down match up with spence so pls dont hate me also I just used a photo of sab so dont hate me it was just to visualize!!! also NOT PROOFREAD!!!! also I added links to visualize for me people who are visual-izers lol k have fun!

part 1!! part 2!!

(Narrator POV)

Penelope had gathered everyone in her apartment for her usual get-together, but this time, she seemed particularly excited about something. She wouldn’t stop grinning, and none of the team could get a straight answer about what they were about to listen to. Spencer would rather be at home with you, since days that you're in Virginia are scarce, but you insisted he hang out with his friends. He sat in Penelope’s apartment excited for the night to be over so he could return home to you.

“Come on, Babygirl, spill it,” Derek said, giving her an exasperated look. “What’s this surprise? Is it a podcast? Audiobook? Something crime-related?”

“Oh, it's so much better than that!” Penelope said with a mischievous look in her eye. “It’s music! A new artist I’m obsessed with. Her name is Y/n Y/l/n and she's so amazing you’re going to love her! We’re listening to her new album Short n’ Sweet, she only has a performance out for Bed Chem so we’re going to start off with that!”

The fact that she had chosen your album had made Spencer uncharacteristically nervous, and now that Penelope was about to press play on a song about him, his unease was starting to become visible. Spencer stiffened beside Derek, his fingers nervously twitching at his sides. He knew this album very well. Penelope pressed play, and the first beats of ‘Bed Chem’ by you started filling the room. The sultry intro immediately set the tone, and Spencer swallowed hard. He could feel the heat rise in his cheeks. Of all the songs.

I was in a sheer dress the day that we met

We were both in a rush, we talked for a sec

Your friend hit me up so we could connect

And what are the odds? You sent me a text…

Emily raised an eyebrow, intrigued. “Ooh, this sounds fun.” JJ nodded along, smiling. “It’s catchy.” But it wasn’t long before the lyrics kicked in, and as Spencer listened to the opening lyrics he recalled how you two met:

Flashback

(Y/n POV)

“Listen, I know I have all these things to do but I just need time ok? The album needs something, I am not at all ready for it to come out. It's literally all just sad, and there needs to be something else apart from it. Nat, please just a few more months and you can release it no matter what- oh my, i'm so sorry that was totally my fault!” I exclaimed seeing coffee spill all over the coat of the stranger in front of me. My phone fell on the ground  between us landing under the books that had slipped from his hand. I look up and am met with big brown eyes that look like chocolate I can just melt in.

The stranger in front of me gasped slightly, looking down at his now coffee-stained coat. "No, no, it's okay!" he reassured me, his voice soft but flustered as he knelt down to gather his fallen books. I crouched quickly, reaching for my phone that had landed just beneath one of his thick textbooks.

“I’m really sorry,” I said again, glancing up at him once again as our hands brushed while reaching for the same book. His eyes met mine, and for a moment, I was struck by how gentle his expression was, despite the mess I had made.

He smiled softly, his eyes crinkling at the edges in a way that made my heart skip a beat. "Really, it's fine," he said, handing me the phone. "Accidents happen." I let out a small, relieved laugh, grateful he wasn’t upset. “I’ll buy you a new coat or at least pay for the dry cleaning. Seriously, I’m-”

“You don’t have to do that,” he interrupted, standing up and shaking his head. “It’s just coffee. I can clean it up.” I straightened, still feeling embarrassed. “At least let me buy you a coffee. You know, to replace the one I spilled.” I offered, hoping to make up for my clumsiness. He looked at me for a moment, considering it, a small smile tugged at the corners of his lips. “Alright. But only if you’ll let me grab a seat and hear why you’re so stressed out.” He motioned towards the phone I had been mid-conversation with when we collided. I blinked, surprised by his easy going nature. "Deal," I said, smiling cheekily up at him “But, uh... I didn’t catch your name.” He extended a hand. "Spencer. Spencer Reid."

I shook his hand, feeling the warmth of his touch as I introduced myself. “Nice to meet you, Spencer. I'm Y/n.”

Flashback Over

And now the next thing I know, I'm like

Manifest that you're oversized

I digress, got me scrollin' like 

Out of breath, got me goin' like

Who's the cute boy with the white jacket and the thick accent? Like

Ooh, maybe it's all in my head

But I bet we'd have really good bed chem

Spencer’s stomach dropped as the next set of lyrics filled the room. Penelope was still humming along, enjoying the vibe of the song, completely oblivious to the growing nervousness inside of him.“‘Manifest that you're oversized... Out of breath, got me goin' like...’” Penelope sang along under her breath. She glanced over at Spencer and caught him staring at the floor, his body stiff. 

“Oh, this one’s so good! It’s got that flirty energy.” Derek laughed. “It’s catchy, for sure. I wonder who the song is about though?” He grinned, “Bet the dude is feelin’ pretty lucky.” Spencer's breath hitched as the chorus started

How you pick me up, pull me down, turn me 'round, oh, it just makes sense

How you talk so sweet when you're doin' bad things, that's bed (bed) chem (chem) 

How you're lookin' at me, yeah, I know what that means and I'm obsessed 

Are you free next week? I'd bet we'd have really good

Spencer’s mind was racing as the sound of your voice fills the room. He knew everyone was at ease and him being stiff and sweating was putting a spotlight on him. Emily let out a low chuckle as the suggestive lyrics played. “This girl is something else. I don’t know who she’s singing about, but they must be good.” She raised an eyebrow, half-joking, but Spencer could feel his heart racing.

Come right on me I mean, camaraderie 

Said you're not in my timezone, but you wanna be 

Where art thou? Why not uponeth me? 

See it in my mind, let's fulfil the prophecy Ooh (ah) 

He takes in a sharp breath at the racy lyrics. His pulse quickened, and he shifted uncomfortably in his seat. The team continued to listen, oblivious to the internal panic flooding his body. Each line felt more like a spotlight aimed directly at him. Derek let out a low whistle, eyebrows raising at the suggestive turn in the song. “Damn. This song is getting real interesting.” He laughed at Spencer’s uncomfortable state, completely unaware of the significance behind it.

JJ chuckled, swaying her head to the beat. “I love how bold she is! Whoever this song is about… they are very lucky.” Spencer’s hands gripped the edge of his seat, his face heating up. He could feel Emily’s eyes subtly watching him from across the room. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could endure this.

Who's the cute guy with the wide, brown eyes and the big bad, mmm, like? 

Ooh (ah) I know it sound a bit redundant 

But I bet we'd have really good bed chem

As the song ended Spencer let out a breath he wasn't aware he was holding in, thankful that the song was over. “What's up, pretty boy? Couldn't handle a pretty girl singing bout bad things?” Derek teased him, throwing an arm around his shoulders, his grin wide. As he was about to respond his phone rang, Spencer’s heart nearly jumped out of his chest when his phone buzzed on the table. The screen lit up with your name and contact photo, one of you smiling brightly. The entire team froze, their eyes slowly shifting from the phone to Spencer, then back to the phone.

Derek’s grin widened even more, his teasing now taking on a new level. “Well, well, well… Look who it is.” he said, still keeping his arm draped over Spencer’s shoulder. “Is this the mystery girl you've been so secretive about these past few months?” Penelope's eyes widened in excitement. “Oh my gosh, Spencer! Are you going to answer? You have to answer.” JJ leaned in closer, a sly smile tugging at her lips. “This explains a lot, actually,” she said, glancing from Spencer to the phone, Emily finished her sentence. “Especially that song.” Spencer shook his head trying to hide his blush as he answered the phone.

“Hey Y/n”

‘Hey lover, you havin fun?’

“Yeah, uh, the night took an interesting turn…”

‘Oh? How so?’

“Yeah, uh so Penelope invited us over and turns out it was a listening party… for your album…”

‘Oh- that hilarious oh my’

“Yeah and they just heard Bed Chem and they saw you called me…”

‘Oh my- HAHA thats so funny whattt’

“Yeah, they wanna meet you now.”

‘Well good because I've been wanting to meet them! Can you finally introduce us?’

“Alright well I guess it’s time. You're my person, I want you to meet my family.”

‘Well I can't wait. What about you invite them to my concert next weekend in DC and we can go to dinner afterwards?’

“Sounds perfect, like you, I'll see you at home I love you.”

‘Love you too. See ya lover’

Spencer returned to the group after hanging up, slipping his phone into his pocket. He tried to keep his expression neutral, but the warmth from your call still lingered on his face. As he sat down, the team was waiting for him, grins plastered across their faces, eyes twinkling with mischief. Derek was the first to break the silence, leaning in with a smirk. “So, pretty boy, you and Y/n Y/l/n, huh? Sounds like she’s got you all wrapped up in that album.”

Spencer shifted uncomfortably, glancing at the others, who were clearly holding back their laughter. “I didn’t know we were having a listening party,” he mumbled, trying to divert the attention. “Didn’t know? Or didn’t plan on being exposed?” Emily teased, raising an eyebrow. Penelope gasped dramatically, clutching her heart. “I mean, Spencer Reid as a muse for a song about that? Honestly, I’m living for this.” Spencer’s face flushed deep red. “It’s not exactly like that-”

“Oh, come on, Spence!” JJ finally chimed in, laughing. “Even you have to admit it’s a little funny.” Spencer looked down at his hands, a small, shy smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “Okay... maybe it’s a little funny.” The team erupted into laughter, the tension in the air easing as they continued to tease him, but in a much lighter, more affectionate way. “You really had us going there, man,” Derek chuckled, shaking his head. “Didn’t expect you two.”

Spencer sighed, still smiling despite the embarrassment. “I didn’t expect it either... but, you know, I’m really lucky to have her.”

“And clearly, she’s lucky to have you, too,” Emily added, her teasing softening into something more sincere. “You two make a great pair.” Spencer looked up at her, grateful for her words. “Thanks, Emily.”

“She uh, invited all of you to her concert next week and dinner afterwards so you guys can finally meet.” A mix of excitement and nervousness in his voice. “She's been asking for a while but I've been nervous but she's really important to me. I really love her, you guys, and youre my family. It's time for you guys to meet.” He nodded sincerely. 

Penelope was the first to speak, “Oh my god, yes please I wasn’t able to get tickets that amazing! And I cannot wait to meet her!” Her voice was laced with excitement. JJ smiled brightly, nudging Spencer’s shoulder playfully. “Look at you! Having a secret girlfriend. I love it. I’m so happy for you, Spencer!” Emily beamed, her gaze softening. “You two sound like a perfect match. I can’t wait to meet her. It’s about time you brought someone special around.” Derek raised an eyebrow, a teasing grin forming on his lips. “So, what are you saying, Reid? Are you going to introduce us to your girlfriend or what? Does she have any friends for me?” Spencer rolled his eyes but couldn’t help but smile. “I am not setting you up, but I know you’ll love her. She’s the sweetest person ever. Just be nice, okay?” 

“I can’t make any promises,” Derek joked, chuckling. “Seriously, though,” Emily said, her tone turning more sincere. “We’re really happy for you, Spence. It’s great to see you so happy.” He nodded, his heart swelling with affection for you and gratitude for his friends. “Thanks, guys. I really appreciate it.”

The conversation continued, filled with excitement and anticipation for the upcoming concert. As the banter resumed, Spencer couldn’t shake the feeling of joy bubbling within him. He knew that sharing this part of his life with his team was important, and he couldn’t wait for you to meet the people who meant so much to him. Later that evening, as he headed home, he found himself smiling at the thought of seeing you. He couldn't wait to show you how much he cared about you and how much he wanted you to be a part of his world.

[silvertongueddevil]

Thank You, 2024.

alright. as this year comes to close, I have a few things to say. this entire thing will be sappy, btw.

thank you. thank every single one of you. from following me on here, X, Twitch. for continually supporting me through dry-spells (no posting periods), rough emotional times or even sending in ideas and suggestions for content. for checking in on me when I haven’t posted in a while or I say i’m going through a tough time.

I started this blog because people in my daily life would comment on my voice. “you have a narrator voice”, “you should read audiobooks”, even a cis, straight man I met through my coworkers listening to me on a $20 Target Turtle Beach gaming headset and running a PS4, “bro, don’t take this the wrong way, but…you should be a streamer. you have a great voice.”

we didn’t quite make it to 2,000 followers in time (but it’s okay because I’m literally only 40 away from it) but almost 2,000 people around the world seem to agree, and I could not be more grateful.

I don’t mean to sound like I think I’m “famous” or anything like that, but I love all of my followers. you all make me feel so much better about myself. you give me confidence and ideas on how to better myself- and out of the goodness of your own hearts. you take time out of your day, no matter where you are in the world, to message me, to send me an Ask, to comment or reblog. I don’t deserve your support and love. it means more than you could ever know. more than I could ever put into words.

2024 was…interesting. starting out the year with about 200 followers, and literally multiplying that by ten is crazy.

for those that don’t know- I had my heart destroyed by a tumblr mutual that I had met and hooked up with a few times- with feelings I still struggle with. regardless of how I feel, or felt about it, I try to make every experience something I can learn from. I don’t hurt like I used to anymore, and I’ve accepted the events that transpired. it still sucks but for whatever reason, whatever happened was meant to happen. it was meant to happen exactly how it happened.

since then, I’ve felt the need to… pull back from really getting too close to anybody on here. not that it has anything to do with anybody that follows me, but because of me. I know exactly how strongly and deeply I can feel and care. that being said: there is nobody, out of the 1,950~ of you, that I don’t like talking to. sometimes, if I don’t reply, it’s possible I’m busy at work (which is where I spend most of my time, sadly), or busy with my own life. but my lack of response is never anything to do with any of you, I promise.

I have absolutely zero plans to stop posting, to stop creating content for you guys, to talk and reach out and engage and just get to know everyone. the best of me has yet to come (no pun intended) and I hope to have all of you by my side, the way you have been.

I love all of you. thank you for everything you’ve done for me. said to me. sent to me. following me. shared for me. whatever it is- thank you. I hope everyone has a fortunate and exciting 2025 that only serves to drive you forward. thank you for being you, and I hope to get more of you in the years to come.

signed,

your silver tongued devil.

[feroshgirlsims]

Chapter 9.2 - 50 Shades of Enchantment

ALICE

Real life has considerably less sexual tension than Twelve or So Swatches of Woohoo.

After a few charged moments, Vlad settles into being her actual assistant. Alice describes what she knows about the secret society—dramatic robes, creepy body movements, a penchant for cult shit out behind Pepper’s Pub—and he turns that into search terms, running down articles from old newspapers and books. 

By lunchtime, Alice’s contribution had dwindled to ordering delivery, grabbing it from the main hall, and posting a sign on the door that said “Thesis Interview in Progress” to keep everyone from knocking. It was demoralizing to go from feeling sexy and in charge to feeling insecure and bored. It was almost as if she had imagined the jolt between them. 

And maybe she did. 

Vlad didn’t seem to care about touch. At first, that didn’t matter because she didn’t want to be touched either. But now, Alice was comfortable with him, and so, of course, her fucked up brain had gone from “Please don’t touch me” to “Please give me some sign you want this by putting your hands on me.”

It didn’t help that this impromptu date was her worst nightmare. Vlad was sending a terrifying number of articles to the printer. He seemed understanding, but Alice knew that would disappear as soon as he realized that reading wasn’t something she struggled with because she didn’t care about it. Her brain flat-out refused to cooperate as soon as she looked at a page. 

Audiobooks, podcasts, and being an excellent mimic helped her hide it, but she had no time to prepare for this. The idea of reading these articles in front of him made her want to puke. 

“Alright, here’s what I’ve found,” he sets a pile of papers on the coffee table. “There are conspiracy theories about a secret society on campus going back to before the turn of the century. But the first article to name them is this one from 1895. It’s about a charity gala.” He glances at her. “Which one would you like me to read first?” 

“What?” her mouth falls open. “You would do that for me?”

“I’ve combed through hundreds of pages of amateur student writing without complaining about the quality once. And I was horny the whole time. I’d do anything for you.”

“Except touch me,” Alice blurts out and immediately feels stupid. “I mean, touch is not your thing, which is cool; I’m just worried because I think it’s my thing. Ugh, I should’ve said that before we even started dating. It’s just been a long time for me, and I was working through some stuff…” Instinctively, she holds out her hands in a protective gesture. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“I tricked you. I made you think I didn’t care about cuddling, but I do. And you—”

“You don’t know what I want,” his voice is calm as he interrupts. “You haven’t asked.”

“Oh!” Alice startles and then realizes she’s still trying to physically ward him off, which is mortifying because even though she knows Vlad isn’t going to hit her, her body won’t listen. “I’ll ask now,” she mumbles sheepishly, dropping her hands. 

“Being touched by sims I don’t know is complicated. It feels like an unpleasant surprise. Actually, even with sims I know I still occasionally find myself wanting to curl up in a corner and die rather than be hugged.”

“Well, that’s…awesome,” Alice clears her throat.

“But that doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy it. Or that I don’t want it with you.” He takes a step toward her. “You set my bones on fire and make my body feel like I’m tethered to this earth.”

It’s a profoundly odd sentiment. Romantic, maybe, but…honestly pretty fucking weird. “Okay,” Alice replies slowly, “Is that you saying you like to cuddle?”

He cradles her neck in response, gently tracing her jawline with his thumb.

Her breath ghosts out of her. “This seems less like cuddling and more like wanting to kiss me.”

“I do want to kiss you.”

PREV | NEXT

(Part 3 of 8)

New to the story and want to catch up quickly? Click here.

Want to read the entire chapter at once? Click here.

[walkawaytall]

The House of My Mother by Shari Franke — a review of the audiobook

(This review makes non-graphic mention of sexual assault and child abuse, and I suppose contains some spoilers, though I don’t think this is really a book where spoilers matter.)

Like many people, I had knowledge of the Franke family shoved into my brain by simply existing on the Internet. I don’t watch family vlogs — at first, because I just wasn’t interested, but for the past few years, it’s also been a rule for me — but I remember hearing about the mommy vlogger, Ruby Franke, who refused to bring lunch to her six-year-old at school because the child in question was responsible for packing her own lunch, and this was simply a consequence of her actions. This was the same mommy vlogger who defended sending her teenage son to a troubled teen program — highly controversial programs here in the States that are not well-regulated, and have contributed to the deaths of literal children — and who took that son’s bed away for months as the consequence for what most would consider a pretty tame prank on a younger sibling.

So, when Ruby Franke was arrested alongside her business partner Jodi Hildebrandt in August of 2023 for putting her two youngest children through some heinous abuse, I’d at least heard her name. But I didn’t really know much about the Franke family beyond the aforementioned scandals.

This book, written by Ruby’s eldest child, Shari, gives a peek into what it was like growing up in the Franke house — and I do mean a peek. Shari is very clear from the get-go that she will not be mentioning the names of any of her siblings aside from Chad (I assume this is because Chad is an adult at this point and has given consent, though this isn’t explicitly stated). She doesn’t go into gruesome detail of the abuse she and her siblings suffered at the hand of her mother, but does a very good job of painting a picture of what growing up with Ruby felt like overall.

Shari also details some of the bizarre and unnerving changes that took place in her family once Jodi Hildebrandt entered Ruby’s life as well. Shari was actually very into Jodi’s teachings for a time, before she realized the woman was gaslighting her and causing a great deal of harm.

The comparison of the Frankes’ life before and after Jodi is actually really important because, after Jodi and Ruby were arrested, Ruby began to hint at Jodi being the main cause of the abuse the youngest children suffered. Shari’s account indicates that abuse was always present, though its presentation changed over the years — and certainly seemed to escalate once Ruby moved in with Jodi.

In addition to writing about her family dynamics, Shari also discusses a dysfunctional relationship she was in for what sounds like a couple of years with a predatory, older, married man. This was someone she did some work for who preyed on what he clearly recognized as the emotionally vulnerable state of an 18-year-old, and then assaulted her (while painting the assault as “helping” her). The description of the initial assault isn’t gratuitous, but it pulls no punches, and it left me feeling a little nauseous and absolutely heartbroken for Shari. (This relationship does eventually end, though there is some fallout from it that is frustrating. None of that is Shari’s fault, though.)

Throughout the book, Shari notes people who treated her well, who listened to her, who supported her. She was able to connect with family friends, her roommates, and her aunts even after Ruby cut her off from her immediate family. The book ends on a hopeful note.

It’s hard to believe that Shari is only 21; her writing voice is incredibly mature. I listened to the audiobook, which is read by Shari, and I think she did a great job with that as well. The book strikes a decent balance between describing what it’s like to live in an abusive household while not attempting to shock the reader, and I think it’s incredibly admirable that Shari is doing what she can to protect her younger siblings while also telling her own story.

The book also sheds light on a topic that has not been discussed enough: the effects of family vlogging on kids. Obviously, not every family vlogger is like Ruby, but there is something insidious about baring the private moments of your children for the world to see as a career. I’m glad more people are discussing family vlogging, and I hope this book helps further than conversation.

All-in-all, it’s a fantastic book, and I suggest it.

[dailydanielewski]

MZD Interview 03.2024

Bit of a different post, but here you will find some words from MZD himself about things like a House of Leaves audiobook, the impact of HoL on modern horror, the TV Series Teleplays, Inspirations and more.

This is a translation made back to english from an official interview published earlier this year in march in brazilian portuguese in regards to the newly published brazilian translation of the book.

The interview with proper formatting in google docs can be accessed here, but is also pasted down here in the See More for ease of access.

MZD Interview [2024-03-13] - Every book is an universe of inspirations

This was translated from the source https://darkside.blog.br/entrevista-mark-z-danielewski/, dated March 13th, 2024. I am in no way affiliated with Darkside Books, or MZD for that matter, and am just a mere instrument in translating this translated interview (of which no original record is available) back into english. This was translated on October 4th, 2024.

DarkSide (DS) interviews Mark Z. Danielewski (MZD)

[Intro]

It’s expected that an author that has written such work that has taken over a decade like House of Leaves has a lot to say. More than that, Mark Z. Danielewski is a person who doesn’t only like to talk, but to listen too.

Like a good novelist that knows how to draw inspiration from everything around them, he shows a genuine interest for people he just met and with whom you could easily spend an entire afternoon talking ideas without seeing time pass.

This is the way that this conversation with the author from House of Leaves happened with DarkSide/DarkBlog [the blog from the Brazilian publisher of the translation]. With the humility of someone that considers himself a mere instrument of the universe through his books, Danielewski went a few decades back to tell us about his book first steps, its repercussion and the theories around the work and even his relation to Brazil – at the end of the 1980s he visited the country, getting to know Rio de Janeiro and Saquarema, and doesn’t hide his will to come back and get to know other regions.

This will be a conversation that is wide and with many layers, the way House of Leaves deserves. Check it out:

DS: When did you start to write House of Leaves at the end of the 80s, did you imagine the impact your work would have in modern horror?

MZD: What does a young man dream when they are 22, have close to no money, and no idea of his place in the world, or even if there is a place in the world? With these initial creations, that are so hard at the start of any young person’s career, you can’t go beyond the obvious despair that you’ll never finish. And that when it’s done, if anyone will ever read it. And if someone does, that it will never be published. Oh, to think “well, maybe it is a success”.

But how can we categorize this success in terms of impact on horror, impact on literature? There is something that happens in a book when you are in the middle of its creation, especially on a so intricate book like House of Leaves, that takes so long that you start to orbit it. At the start, it’s the book that kind of lives in your orbit. You are the central mass. And that mass includes everything that is frenetic or calm in your life, be it doing laundry or going out to get some coffee. But step by step, as you start to craft and create and imagine it, the story becomes the bigger mass. And that mass grows, then suddenly it’s you that are orbiting it. And the more you orbit it, the more you are governed by its necessities and requirements.

So you don’t really think much beyond that. You don’t think what will happen to it, because to you that became a planet now. A sun or a black hole. You are just a tiny particle that is becoming increasingly smaller, as the story becomes increasingly bigger. Not to talk much about me, but I’m writing a western which I've been working on for the past five or six years, and I’m exactly in this situation. And I have many questions about how it will be received. Where will it fit in the bellic culture of today? But those are just some sparks, because the main thing that is drawing me to its orbit is its immensity and complexity.

This is a way to both answer and not answer the question, but is at least an introduction about how this process worked and how I see it many, many years later. Even now, as I work on this new novel, I’m fascinated by how a book almost takes a life on its own. And that feeling is scary and great at the same time.

DS: It’s almost like you are being taken by your story, and not the other way…

MZD: Exactly. And I believe this applies to any creator, from any medium. It’s when you start to understand that your piece gained a bigger mass, a bigger gravity, than you. It’s at that time that you know you are starting to reach the end. There are all types of metaphors for that, be it talking about stars or about someone being born. It’s that sensation of “oh, we have a conclusion here”. There is an immensity, a component that changes your life with it.

DS: One of the more famous aspects of the book is its experimental formatting on some chapters. Was there any visual experimentation that did not go into the book?

MZD: The final version represents a beautiful evolution of it all, so there is nothing that I was attached to that is not there. I believe that, as you get older, and if you are lucky like how I was to have a successful career – unless you were swollen by your ego instead of by your books -, you realize how lucky you are. Of having met the right people along the way, of having the editor that I had at the time – and I still have almost 30 years later. Someone that instead of saying “no, don’t do that”, says “well, how will it be visually? How are people gonna see it?”. And part of the mythology of the book is that it was presented with all these typographic explorations everyone now knows so well.

But in my ingenuity, I believed the publisher would help in this process, that there would be a room dedicated to this type of work with layouting for every writer that would show up. Soon it became clear that I would be responsible for it. My editor/agent/publisher basically said “If you can come to NY, we can give you access to our computers and everything you need at Pantheon”. And that is what I did. I arrived there at Pantheon in NY every morning at 6am, bought the best coffee that I could find so, when everyone would arrive (they had that thing), we would have the best aroma/scent of this gourmet coffee, that at the time was something new. A gourmet coffee that I had no way to provide by myself, but that was important to me, to have some coffee, and one or two more for others, to understand that that was not a creative process. I used the word “creative” a lot, but it was not about destroying things – although the house destroys things in different ways -, but it was the evolution that was in the process.

Things being that way, I started the formatting, and my editor/publisher was always with me and I started to talk with preparers and advertisers, and the people that printed books, and everyone was getting increasingly curious. Slowly I was finishing chapters like 9, with its labyrinth with all its convolutions and stamps. And then I saw how people got fascinated by that, and, as that happened, people would get increasingly excited.

I’m very cautious to say that, but while the book looks impactful and original, It comes from a tradition of old poets that worked with concrete poetry, be it Pauliner, Mallarmé, there were a lot of folks that explored that before. We can go very far into antiquity, where we can see ways that were already present.

I believe the novelty there was the use of film rhetoric, that I learned with my dad, of basically understanding how movies/films were edited. It’s not just getting an image and then putting another image right after. It’s the way angles are divided, be it from up or down, the position of focus on the screen, the movement, the way how you can slow down the audience response to a scene by doing some specially long cuts/shots, and then speeding up the experience by using quick cuts/shots and moving the focal/focus point of the scene.

All this was incorporated in House of Leaves appropriately, because it is about a movie. This, in that sense, starts to intensify the experience. There were a lot of first readers, long before the book’s publication, but even at that time, and, once more, how lucky I was to have some of the best readers. They were professional readers, and just for getting a single moment from them to see some few pages, made me see about what was and was not working with the book, what maybe would not work and how to better refine it.

DS: You mentioned your father, who was a filmmaker. What was his influence, and of movies and general audiovisual works, in the construction of the narrative and format of House of Leaves?

MZD: Oh, very big. We still get mentions from cinema academics that identify some various references from movies that are there, be it Nouvelle Vague, or even the origins of cinema, and all those little gestures and moments that readers see some reference. And that is fascinating, because in some ways, there is a story, albeit a dark one, of cinema that is hidden between the scribbles of that house.

DS: On the internet there are numerous reading groups and discussion forums dedicated to unravel all the book’s references and riddles. Are there secrets in the book that are impossible to be solved?

MZD: There have been very intense readings of it and certainly many findings. But there still are tiny moments, like when a person contacted me about a specific movie, that no one, as far as I know, had mentioned yet. And this person was able to say with certainty that there was in fact a reference there and its own variety of mysteries. It's the influences, whether literary or cinematographic, but there's still other ways that the house works.

But yes, the book is extremely dense and there's still layers that were not completely deciphered to the present moment. But it still is the source of some smiles, for example, in my daughter's school, the mother of a student reached me and asked "I finally started reading your book. It's really good". She looked relieved and gave me the impression that she had this big idea that it would be very hard, that, according to what people said, it would be a very hard read for a reader that just wanted to dive into the story. And then she discovered that it was exactly the opposite, that there is a genuine pleasure and a real horror there, and that surprised her.

It's one thing to have all these intense groups, where people read the book many times before. They are not on a different level. They are advanced readers, sure, but there still exists the wonderful experience of being able to read the book for the first time and discover how it really is.

Recently I had this experience: only two people read my new book completely, and here there is a note because my wife is still not finished, but she is almost at the end, and keeps telling me to get out of the same house space as her because she wants to finish it, and I realized that I envy her for that experience. I envy the feeling of getting to have the first experience through everything that is about to happen. Now that I think about it, I can think of some people that read House of Leaves for the first time and how special that was.

Every author is tormented by the anxieties of "will they like it or not". But if you can get past that, and that is something hard to say to someone that is just starting this path, because you are very vulnerable. You still don't have any type of skill, scars or calluses that will keep you ahead of it. If you can focus only on the story, the unraveling that I had the opportunity to observe in some of the first readers entering the house for the first time it's pretty incredible. A great feeling.

DS: There is a theory that some of the blank spaces in the book's formatting are an invitation for the readers to make their own annotations and footnotes. Was this intention there? Do you like to see House of Leaves scribbled out in various ways?

MZD: I love it! I love any book that is annotated. Even when I buy a second-hand book, I get fascinated when it has the margins scribbled. It's like I've received a gift from two minds. What has this person discovered? I'm infinitely fascinated by that.

And yes, there was an intention there, there are many intentions there, so I rarely get surprised. I say "rarely", but honestly I think I never was surprised. The book was so planned out. I don't say that I don't get surprised by the connections people made, that are very personal, but for the book as an artifact. Even the way the margins were created, the spaces, everything you mentioned, that the spaces are there for people to add their own annotations, their own perceptions, of becoming other editors of that process, even more narrators.

There even is some recent discussion in transforming House of Leaves into an audiobook or not, for example. How would that experience be? Would it be completely different? Should we look at it more like a movie that is being made and is something completely separate, and kinda an experiment too? Or is there a way to create some kind of space in which the listener can participate? These are some of the questions that come up.

The same with an e-book. In some way, you are a company to House of Leaves when you have the book, and the e-book doesn't allow that. But when you have the digital version, you are facing a glass screen, in a way. You are robbed of the unquestionable interactivity that the page allows. Yes, you can write in an e-book, in some you can create annotations, but it's a bit complicated. It's less personal. And also a bit risky. Yes, the technology got better, but I remember creating annotations in a digital version and lost all of them, and that was not cool. I still have annotations on my books, in my bookshelves, that are 40 years old.

This is an important question, and one that made me think a lot, literally in the last two days: how do we feel about an audiobook and e-book? That said, I give the question back to you and all readers of this work: what do you think? Would you like to hear an audiobook version? Would this bring something new or would it lessen the experience?

DS: It's a valid question. Talking adaptations, much has been said about a possible House of Leaves film or TV series. In your website there are Teleplays for the work. We know the challenge it is to adapt a complex work like this one. How do you see an audio-visual adaptation of the book? Is there something in the works or that you would specifically like to see?

MZD: No, I'm not attached to any one vision of what I would like to see produced and made. I'm a novelist and there will come the day, when the right constellation of people align, there will be a meaningful representation of the book. But it's a dance, and unfortunately we don't have all the celestial time to make this dance, but there are, yes, many brilliant and creative professionals in Los Angeles and the whole world, but here specifically, those involved in making things happen

Many times that just doesn't work. But the question is: Could it be done? At this point I am still on the dance. There is nothing to announce, but there is allways excitement. We always have requests coming. People want meetings. If I answered them all, and got into all those meetings, I would never be able to write another book. And that is what I love to do. So the process gets slowed down. But still, there are people asking "what about Hulu? You could make something on FX". Maybe, who knows?

DS: Yes, A24, maybe?

MZD: Yes, A24, maybe. Talking about A24, I think someone sent it to me, something going around, maybe on TikTok, a false advertisement that A24 finally made the movie. And it was created with generic images. I don't know if any kind of AI was used, but it was like a trailer and everyone was saying "Oh my God, it's happening", just because they put on A24's logo. It was fun and I like to see that kind of stuff. There is a joke tone to it and I allways receive that well.

DS: Even though there is no adaptation, there are many known movies and games inspired by your book. Do you consider any oen of them particularly good or faithful to your work?

MZD: I don't follow that too closely. Like, these works are not House of Leaves, they don't answer the ideas and the energy that are part of the book. And who am I to say if anything is better or worse? There are inspired things that are really fun. There's this magnificent map of a Doom mod that was made on YouTube. It's extremely well done and you can see in the comments how people lived that. You can see that it's honest work, from the person or group of people that made it. If you look now, there's over 10 million views [12 million by the time I'm translating this]. Like the term I used before, it's something meaningful. It was not an errant attempt of just looking if the house was bigger or not on the inside just by looking at this. It's something that looks at all the complexities of how we understand space.

[Here, they linked the video. So I am too. https://youtu.be/5wAo54DHDY0]

A simple example is like when you're in a relationship and you feel much closer to that person. And suddenly there's a rupture in the way you communicate, or the way you present yourself to each other. And that person seems miles away, even if you are sitting close to one another. It's there that the complexity shows up. There's where the emotional journey starts in House of Leaves. I believe that's why readers come back to it.

So, when I see a project like that that was executed with so much emotion and integrity, it's not exciting only because it's related to House of Leaves. It's exciting because it's a continuous conversation, because this shows that there are big creative hearts out there. And that shines a more brilliant light into the future.

DS: House of Leaves is a work that surprises many people from their first encounter. Has there been an event or personal happening that caused you a great impact, that marked your life as a storyteller? Which?

MZD: I think you already know the answer to your question. The interesting part about this type of questioning is that there is some type of safety in the idea that there is this singular moment that offers inspiration for a big book like this one. I think we all feel comfortable with that idea. But, in many ways, I can point out the moment that I understood that the house was bigger on the inside.

I remember it happened shortly after my father died and I understood that there was a footnote that would become a poem or a short story. Only later I realized that that was actually the structured answer to everything I was writing in the previous years. There I was able to give form to a voice that is as similar to Johnny as it is to Zampanò, it was something resonant with this big idea I was exploring. Dissertations that I wrote to myself about how the language of films could be used in text

But each book is filled with a universe of inspirations. Frequently I am questioned where my inspiration comes from. For artists, inspiration is everywhere. The big problem is that, as you open the shutter [the camera thing] to this extraordinary world, where we're able to live, it can be oppressive. It's too much. So, in many ways, we're hiding all the time. I can write about a tree, about this little moment outside myself. Or this interesting conversation I heard on the bus between two people. It 's everywhere.

If there's anything wonderful about being a novelist it's that constantly there are moments that you can enjoy and remodel in your book [I don't get what he's saying here. Did my best]. One piece of advice that I give to new artists is to not block yourself too much from your tiny idea. You had just a little spark in the face of this vast and celestial wonder where we live. So it's more "be the way through which the universe can speak, so it can speak through you". Writers have the right to rearrange things. The voice that sounds in a bus by a powerful man can become through you a character that is exactly the opposite.

I believe that this is a more valid answer, that when the journey begins, there will be constant inspirations, coming from tiny moments. I'm in debt to all of them, I don't consider myself an author to any of them. I'm just lucky to have had these moments and for them to have given me the energy that I needed to write phrases that became meaningful to other people.

DS: This is the first time that Brazilian readers will have the possibility of reading House of Leaves in portuguese. What note/warning would you like to share with them?

MZD: First things first, I'd like to apologize for it taking almost 25 years for the book to have a version in Portuguese that would arrive in Brazil. I have a great affection for Brazil. Who am I to warn someone? I can only share a story for the people who read the whole book to have their own personal journey. The people that only get to the middle are the ones I worry about the most, because they are still in the darkness. They are still trapped in the house. I sometimes worry about those people that are still stuck in the darkness and are not able to leave.

I remember a beautiful and humble moment, when I was in an art gallery, and an old man came to me and asked me if I was "Mark Danielewski" and if I had written "House of Leaves". I confirmed, and he told me that he did not read the book, but that he wanted to thank me because his daughter tried to take her own life and, when he was beside her as she woke up, the man asked if he could do anything for her. And the daughter said "could you get House of Leaves for me?". And that is one of the things I've heard that makes me feel each time more a mere instrument of this book. Because to them it allowed a journey in trying times. I believe this should be available to any reader, no matter the language you speak.

[End]

[aristocratic-otter]

Hey y'all! It's been a good week for me. I got to go to a British High Tea for the first time ever and had a blast. No cake trolleys though (sorry, Simon!).

I've loved reading your excerpts over the last few weeks, and I've started listening to the podfic fest entries on my drives to and from work (Shout out to @caethes for podding my fic Threads of Fate!). It's so nice to have more audiobooks from Carry On without Rainbow Rowell having to write a new book!

Thank you and tag backsies to @wellbelesbian, @messofthejess, @aroace-genderfluid-sheep, @artsyunderstudy, @larkral, @whatevertheweather, @best--dress, @you-remind-me-of-the-babe, @nightimedreamersghost, @theearlgreymage and @hushed-chorus

From my fic for the Carry On-Reverse Bang:

“B-Baz,” I stuttered, trying to scramble to my feet. Trying, and failing. The moment I tried to get up, a wave of dizziness hit me, coinciding with a stab of pain in my head. I sagged back to the ground and lifted my hand to my hair. My hair felt wet and my scalp pulsed with pain when I brushed my fingers over it. When I pulled my hand free, it was dark and wet looking.

From my COTTA 2023, Snow Fox:

“I missed you,” he sighs, when we have to break apart for air. 

“I always miss you,” I grumble, resting my forehead against his shoulder. He laughs silently; I can feel his chest bouncing against mine. 

“You always have to make everything a contest,” he says, but his voice is fond. 

“I won your heart, didn’t I?” I smirk at him and he punches me gently in the shoulder. 

“Arse,” he laughs.

From my Age of Sail AU, Stars, Flowers, and Children:

I know we’re far too young to take care of ourselves. If I were a few years older, I’d probably strike off on my own, because living with Davy is nearly unbearable. I’d try to convince Simon to come with me, but I think I’d go, even if he refused. 

But I’m not a few years older. I’m twelve, and I’m afraid. I don’t know if Simon or I could survive without an adult to guide us, no matter how vindictive he is. 

As it turns out though, we aren’t given a choice.

And a slightly more than 6 sentence snip from my TikTok dancer AU (needs a name!):

Penelope narrows her eyes at him. “Snow is an odd name,” she points out, and I realize with a jolt that I never even tried to take on a human name. Shepard knows me by my birth name, but I know enough after a year of living around them that humans don’t go by a single name. Shit!

Shepard’s eyes look equally panicked for a moment, but he swiftly smooths over his expression. “Sorry, sweetheart,” he says to Penelope. “Snow is his surname. But that’s how he introduced himself to me last year, so that’s what I’ve gotten used to calling him.”

“And your full name is?” she asks me, not Shepard. My brain scrambles frantically for a human name I can live with. For some reason, my mind stops on a memory of a particular judge on one of the dancing competitions I’ve been watching. 

“My first name is Simon!” I blurt, a little too forcefully. 

Nothing from Saving Simon Snow this week, it's giving me hell at the moment.

Tagging:

@angelsfalling16, @annabellelux, @bazzybelle, @bookish-bogwitch, @carryonsimoncarryonbaz, @dragoneggos, @frjsti, @gekkoinapeartree, @ionlydrinkhotwater, @ivelovedhimthroughworse, @ileadacharmedlife, @j-nipper-95, @jasonfunderberkerthefrogexists, @krisrix, @letraspal, @moments-au-crayon22, @moodandmist, @onepintobean, @prettylightsbigcity, @rimeswithpurple, @raenestee, @thehoneyedhufflepuff, @tea-brigade, @upuntil6am, @vampire-named-gampire, @whogaveyoupermission, @yellobb, @yeonjunenby

[shedidntevenswear]

It’s my 30th birthday!

which means i’ve had this exact tumblr account for literally half of my life lol embarrassing

Because I am my mother(Taylor Swift)’s daughter, I decided to take a page from her book and share 30 things I’ve learned in my 30 years of life so far:

It’s the people, it’s the people, IT’S THE PEOPLE. In anything you do, any space you inhabit, the people around you are what actually matters, not the dogma or the process or whatever. Act accordingly. 

Some things can go to the group chat instead of out on the internet.

Listening without trying to fix things is an important skill, especially when talking to yourself. 

Therapy is worth the money. 

Not everything that is great or meant for you is meant to last forever. Embrace ephemera.

You really can find everything you need on NOT Amazon, it just takes a little more work. Generally the work is worth it. 

Different things work for different people, you don’t need to apply whats best for someone else to yourself and you definitely don’t get to decide that what’s right for you is how everyone should be living. 

I read so much more after embracing audiobooks and 2x speed. 

Liking things is so much cooler and more fun than hating things.

WEAR SUNSCREEN EVEN WHEN YOU DONT THINK YOU NEED IT.

The best way to live in community is with a soft front and a strong back. 

Getting outside and moving my body actually does make me feel better, damn it.

Take the Uber sometimes. Don’t be a hero.

You can’t always believe everything you read on the internet. 

Relatedly, you don’t always have to believe the opinions of people on the internet about you or the things you care about. You don’t always have to give the same weight to the things internet people say as you would to people who know you. 

Feelings need to be felt. 

Things you enjoy doing are worth doing even if you aren’t “good” at them. 

I’ve learned how to be alone with myself without descending into crippling loneliness immediately #justextrovertthings

Check the weather before you leave the house.

Certainty isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. The vulnerability that comes from uncertainty is where connection happens. 

It’s actually totally fine to eat the same thing every day if you are getting the fuel you need and you like how it tastes. Not everyone has to be a chef.

Opinions are not facts. 

You’ll enjoy life so much more if you just let yourself have a little treat every day. 

You can have fantastic, budget-friendly European vacations if you simply don’t care about the quality of where you sleep. (aka I’ve slept on a lot of overnight buses and in the most basic BnBs)

Nine times out of ten, it’s not personal. People are thinking more about themselves than they are ever thinking about you when making the decision to do or say something. 

There are so many things out of my control. Wisdom is realizing what I can control, and satisfaction comes from concentrating my effort there and letting go of the rest. 

There *are* good men out there, they are just exceptionally hard to find. Very few of them are single though. 

The goal of life is not to be a “good” person, it’s to be a person who does good and acknowledges and apologizes and improves when they’ve done something bad. 

Nobody notices or cares if you wear the same shirt two or three days in a row when you work over Zoom. Save those laundry coins. 

It’s never too late to start something new. Discovery and learning new skills and trying new things has no age limit. 

[busycucumbermelon]

The rich girls poet

Natalie, X reader,

I don’t know what warnings to put for this

Natalie loves to hear whatever pops into your little mind no matter how dark it gets. It’s something that fuels Natalie 

You had so much to be powerful, but were you proud at all you remember the nights you would cried for something you did not understand nights, when you cried over the weird stories, that anyone else with some explain as a pure example of a toxic relationship but you cried for those stupid AI stories and the fan fix you read every night staying up too late hating the fact that you would sleep in too late the next day

You stopped going out to craft fairs with your family not because you didn’t want to, but because being around others was absolutely exhausting. You did not know how to react how could you all you did was sit in your room and fantasize not even your life could bring tears to your eyes, but for those stories over and over again for those times in the middle of the night that you would let no one else see the times, or you would hide under your blankets silently, hoping one person would notice

Natalie would be proud that she noticed she noticed her tears but she did not notice that you were for something you never could have something you didn’t even know it’s always the jock and the nerd the Pretty girl in the emo emo kid of the school but you were neither of those, but Natalie was beautiful. She was everything she was everything anyone could’ve ever wanted but you were not you were quiet make your family didn’t like you Natalie give you all she believed you wanted.

But yet still, you sat even when you were still in that apartment up listening to fan fix listening to audiobooks that made you cringe. Stopping every few seconds to scream about who you would never do that because you wouldn’t do that. You’re so critical of you every move. Scared you make a wrong step scared somehow you would offend someone scared

somehow the tears that fell down your cheeks would be seen by someone that someone would ask you to explain your feelings and you would have no answer for your throat. Already had a lump in it and your eyes stung your nose hurt how could they ask you to speak in the state

Even those toxic stories of the people that would kidnap others somehow you cried for them. You would certainly just say that you would go along with it but here you were in his acting situation and you weren’t going along with it you were, but you were not happy you were numb inside you wanted to break her, but it did not she simply. Rubbed your cheek, believing he would come back to life.

Little did you both know you were dying every second inside those nights were you believed you would stay up all night, but you knew 6 AM you would be fast asleep, and you would not wake up until it was far too late when you went to school and realized I to be sick the other day but now look at all, I have to catch up

Was ready to get rid of all your pain away but you and her dollhouse make you forget about all

Her perfect dollhouse, which had maids, a chef and a loving mother and father, but of course, it also had Natalie Natalie that would smother you with every drop of her love Natalie that would go to school and get the best job for the both of you Natalie that would do anything for you for if you wanted to dye her hair, one more time color, she hated she did not care for it was for you

Something you hated attention you at age 14 you cannot open presents, in front of your family and in front of your friends, the anxiety of not knowing how to react when you would get surprised parties, you would only smile awkwardly the tears stung your cheeks so often, but they were never for the important things

You remembered how when you started your therapy your main goal was to get more in touch with your emotions, but you both knew that was a lie you emotions were only the things that didn’t matter to anyone else. Those stories would thrum up in your mind.

And those times you choked back to tears and Natalie would be that one person at one person nagging you to speak, but how could you how could you when your throat was closed up in your eyes stung everything in your body was telling you to stop just stop and forget about whatever it was causing you such pain But now you cannot escape you cannot walk into the other room you cannot hide under your covers. You cannot simply cover your mouth to hold back your whimpers.

Natalie would not have it. She did not care if she had a handcuff your hands down tie you down or she wanted all of you the ugly and the beautiful little did she knows she was destroying you slowly the inside out.

Natalie would destroy you if she had to not even know it. Natalie‘s best friend is how it started that day that somehow let know poems that were all your feelings, raw and deep in the entire time as you wrote them down speaking it loud Natalie was right behind you as you Vocal cords felt like they were threatening to snap

Sometimes you wish they would sometimes you wish they would put you out of this misery, but even if your vocal cords one they gave out on you, Natalie would figure out a way with all the money she had, and all the money she would gain she would get new vocal cord somehow someway you were everything she lived for You still remember that day

A part of you does not remember that day that part of your brain that shield you from whore things that understanding could simply review into pieces that is Natalie and Natalie slowly pulling back that barrier, you are Natalie’s blood. Natalie only wants to breathe you for it to be closer to you Natalie would become a cannibal,

That her father, would that happen either Natalie was very much a daddy girl and her mother loved it so much. It was so aesthetic having a caring husband and an openly gay daughter, and her traumatized. girlfriend standing there in the corner, somehow looking as perfect as everyone else around her, but her insides are slowly cracking.

“oh dear don’t you think it’s time to stop this one’s getting a little long perhaps will put it up with the others isn’t your voice a bit sore? Perhaps would you like a sip of tea or do you want something prepared? Perhaps you would like to mess with my hair again”

Pain, pain pain it’s something you remember all too much messing with her hair to bring you so much comfort dying at different colors but now with every single time she’d force you to color her hair every single time you thought about what what if you were just able t-

“that’s enough I said you’re overdoing it” Natalie had grabbed your pen as you sat there quietly you didn’t even know what Natalie did with the poems as she called them. All you knew is they went somewhere and Natalie would occasionally pull them up, saying they were her inspiration, but all of them had only brought emotion, something for her, but it was not love far from

[theneptuneviolin]

Twenty Books Challenge

Hypothetically, you are only able to keep 20 of your books. Only one book per author/series. So what books are you keeping? Credit due to @the-forest-library. I was tagged by @drasnianfrank (a while ago… ooops)

The Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon - If I had to narrow down a single favourite book (not list off about five) I would probably choose this one.

Gideon the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir - I spent a while deciding which of the Locked Tomb books I wanted to keep and it could be any of them really but I think that Gideon is the most fun of the three of them so far.

Hollowpox by Jessica Townsend - The Nevermoor series really itches the part of my brain that still wants to go on a whimsical adventure like i did when reading fantasy adventures at age twelve. While lots of them still work for me, many of them don’t and the ones that do, I’m coming at from a different perspective now. This series is a rare new-to-me series from the 8-12 shelves that does work for me and Hollowpox in particular unlocked the not-often seen part of me that got properly obsessive and immediately wanted to read the book again from the start as soon as I finished it the first time.

The Lightning Thief by Rick Riordan - My copy is one of the books I’ve had the longest and honestly looks its age. I’ve lent it to so many people and now the spine is held together with tape, the cover is crumpled and curled and it smells of cigarettes. It’s definitely not the strongest of Riordan’s books and it’s not my favourite (that might be The Hammer of Thor) but the physical object is special to me - it was also one of the rare spur-of-the-moment gifts from my mum.

The Obsidian Tower by Melissa Caruso - Caruso is really good at fast-paced, compelling novels with interesting characters and I love her stuff.

W.i.t.c.h. vol 6 (Yen Press versions) (this is arc 2 vol 3 containing issues 21-24) - I have several versions of the W.i.t.c.h. comics so it was a matter of deciding which versions counted (I am keeping all of my magazines & single issues in this hypothetical) and which one I wanted to keep. I decided not to go for something after my magazines end (shortly after which the comics get bad) but for an alternate translation of my favourite issue (21; I love this version of Cassidy).

The Goblin Emperor by Katherine Addison - I listened to the audiobook of this recently from the library (I would not recommend the audiobook because the worldbuilding is so intricate that a spent a long time being confused about things that i don't think would have confused me in print) and it’s the first new (to me) thing in a long time that has made me want to read fanfiction. I asked for the physical book for my birthday so I could reread it.

Shadows on the Moon by Zoe Marriott - I originally read this in secondary school and it was the first thing I read that dealt with depression so it did things to me. I read it again a few years ago and it doesn’t hold up (but is still okay if your expectations aren’t too high) and there have been criticisms of one of Marriott’s later books that also apply to this one but I have some emotional attachments to this one and don’t think I could let it go entirely.

Across the Green Grass Fields by Seanan McGuire - While I think most of the Wayward Children series is enjoyable but not amazing, this one got me in the gender feels, which is something that I don’t get very often (I know i need to read more indie/self published books) and I had a very good time with it.

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen - I have not read this book and probably never will. My copy was a gift from my grandma from her collection because she thought it might be useful for my English lit A-level. It was not. But it’s still a really nice copy and the copyright date for the introduction and illustrations make it the oldest book (as an item, not oldest from first publication date) in my collection (possibly excepting the matching edition of Jane Eyre, which she gave me at the same time but contains no copyright dates).

Heir of Fire by Sarah J Maas - Knowing her current reputation for smut and what a lot of my friends know about me (not into romance or shipping) this might seem an odd choice but let me take you back to 2012 when the first Throne of Glass book came out: It was in the teen section of the discount book catalogue my mum got in the post, which I read and asked my mum to get me the book with the cool-sounding assassin plot, which she did. When I read it, I loved it (I have long been easily pleased by fast paced plots) and yeah it had a love triangle - but what girly teen books at the time didn’t? (also I still had some stuff to figure out) - but I was still desperate for the next one. I did read the rest of the series as soon as I could but Heir of Fire was my favourite for a long time. Some of it was it was the last book where (on first read) it was still what I wanted it to be (I think there was a definite shift post ACoTaR’s success but some of it was absolutely there in earlier books) and some it the book’s own strengths and some of it was that I went to see her give a talk and a signing session. Also I spent years in the fandom; I still have a sideblog even if I don’t use it and am slightly embarrassed by my old interest.

A Pocketful of Crows by Joanne M Harris - We have definitely reached a zone where all these books are somewhat tenuous. 20 books is somehow too many for me under these rules to fill with books I feel strongly about. I read this one on my first trip home from uni when I was sat at the train station for an hour because I missed my connection. I really liked it then (it was not as good on reread but still enjoyable).

Killing the dead by Marcus Sedgewick - I remember this being excellent when I read it as a teenager. I keep meaning to reread it and I don’t know why I haven’t because it’s one of those tiny world book day short stories.

Avalon High by Meg Cabot - Another book I read as a teenager and had strong feelings about. I reread it a few years ago and it still holds up (unlike the movie lol).

Fairy Dust and the Quest for the Egg by Gale Carson Levine - I read this book as a kid and still have strong feelings about it. I reread it a few years ago and it still mostly holds up (although the rest of the Disney Fairies books that I (re)read mostly do not).

Wicked Lovely by Melissa Marr - I also read this series as a teenager and had strong feelings about it. I also keep meaning to rereading it.

Ketchup clouds by Annabel Pitcher - “I read this as a teenager and had strong feelings about it” camp again.

Candor by Pam Bachorz - “I read this as a teenager and had strong feelings about it” camp again.

The Book Thief by Marcus Zusack - “I read this as a teenager and had strong feelings about it” camp again.

Acid by Emma Pass - “I read this as a teenager and had strong feelings about it” camp again. It’s also one of the few teen dystopian books I read in the post-Hunger Games boom that wasn’t set in North America.

I'm tagging @keeperofthetongatooth, @stormykindofgrey, @tiskycat, @satohqbanana and anyone who fancies this.

[autisticempathydaemon]

Hello hello! I would love a matchup!

What song are you fixated on at the moment? What lyric or verse, and why? - Playing with Bad Luck by Set it Off ... Its a kinda day/ its a kinda week/ Its a kinda year/ When you cut and paste/ When you're on your knees/ When you're out of tears (damn)/ examine every scar. i'm auditing my karma/ something just ain't adding up/ it's close, but no cigar/ i'm dancing in the dark cause/ every light keeps shutting off/ i'm playing with bad luck

What is your Enneagram type? - I'm an 8w7! also an ISFJ personality type

Tell me about your childhood imaginary friend.- I created a lot of stories and characters as a kid, most of them were knights or huge creatures

What is your go-to way to fall asleep? - I usually have a cup of tea and sit with my dog. On nights where I can't get my brain to shut up I'll play audiobooks/redacted sleep aid lol

What is your favorite of Redacted’s audios, and why? - Okay but something about the comfort/ reverse comfort audios hit a place in my heart I didn't think was in me. Like, I get why I like the healing audio cause the listener is getting doted on, and that's cute. (No matter how many times I listen to Gavin's comfort audios I will sob every time) But when I listen to a reverse comfort, it makes me love a character even more. Like the fact that they trust their listener (i.e., David breaking down, Gavin giving bits and pieces of his past to freelancer/ breaking down in the inversion, Milo injured, etc), makes my heart swell.

What Redacted boy holds no appeal to you, and why? Like, not the one you hate but the one who you don’t get the hype for. (I won’t judge, I promise.) - Okay, the character is made for the audience to not really like them, but Marcus (Project Meridian) sets a wave of anger in me I could never begin to explain like the manipulation tactics and gaslighting make me want to murder someone, BUT SOMEHOW IM LIKE "Oh I like Vega" which don't get me wrong also hate Vega at times but the way he acts with warden makes me love him

Tell me about that one book/movie/TV show you know all the words to. - does Redacted count "just gotta say ding dong the witch is dead fucking goes off and you better promise to play that at my funeral ALSO unrelated macho man unironically fucking goes off AND YOU KNOW WHAT actually IT IS related because you absolutely need to promise to play that at my funeral too back to back Macho man immediately followed by ding dong the witch is dead what do you say?" .... don't ask BUT IF NOT I also know pirates of the caribbean, the Grinch (live action), Mitchells vs the machines, Monty Python and the holy grail, too name a few

Which Redacted boy are you platonically attracted to? Like- forget dating, which dude do you want to be your best friend? - OH MY GOD CAN VINCENT BE MY BESTIE (obvi also love ash and guy but let me explain) Okay vincent is one of those guys who's sarcasm is top notch like homie could roast anyone without a second to waste. Also I feel like I could literally sit in silence with Vincent and it not feel awkward yknow

Do you have a go-to thing you ramble about when you’re tired, and if so, what is it? (For example, my boyfriend knows I’m ready to sleep when I start talking about space.) okay, I will ramble about history like there is no tomorrow. for example, did you know that Constantine the Great considered himself such a great Christian that he called himself the "13th Apostle" on his tomb (which very few people have been able to see because you have to be closely enough related to him to enter) he didn't write his name on his coffin instead it says 13th apostle also he put the remains of the other apostles in his tomb because "he deserved it" ......anywayssss

Tell me your go-to gas station and drink combo. - flaming hot Cheetos and a sprite reset my life in a way that makes me want to achieve my dreams

Tell me about your favorite playlist at the moment. - The Balance, its so beautifully made, starting with a close experience to death, to cult antics, to AN UNEXPECTED CROSSOVER. its just made sooooooooooooo well

What’s your guilty pleasure in media, and why? - Okay cringy middle school emo/ animatic music from my past is engrained into my brain

And whatever else you think tells me about who you are! - i'm 5'2 and the youngest of a big family. I'm an artist and currently working on an illustration degree. I love love love voice acting. Thats about it! THANKS

You gave me so much to work with here, and yet it was a challenge. Like, I could have gone in so many directions. I think you could work so well with so many of the boys, but ultimately, it had to be Asher.

Your submission gives me the vibe of someone who’s loyal, unique, and confident, who knows what they’re about and always has something interesting to say even if you’re not particularly extroverted. I like the idea of pairing Asher with you because he would perfectly uplift you, pulling you out of your shell and giving you the stage to shine while also knowing when to take the reins and support you, in your education, social situations, whenever.

Your life would be so genuinely fun together- not just because Asher’s so fun as a dude but because y’all have so much in common. You two would have the same taste in music (that FOB fan boy) and pop culture. You’d be the tea drinker to his Monster Energy vibes, the perfect balance in the house to feed his bubbly nature but also ground him. Also, Asher should totally have a dog he can play with, so it’s even more perfect.

Song:

If you don't swim, you'll drown/ But don't move, honey/ You look so perfect standing there/ In my American Apparel underwear/ And I know now, that I'm so down/ Your lipstick stain is a work of arts I got your name tattooed in an arrow heart/ And I know now, that I'm so down

5SOS seems like just the sort of group y’all and Asher would like now, the group that was pop-punk adjacent and has evolved with its audience. This track in particular is a classic, and I can see Asher totally jamming out to this in the car, air-guitaring at red lights, and demanding applause from you when he’s done (which you’d give because he’s just that cute).

Runner-Ups:

Like I said, there were so many boys that could have been matched with you, so there were also too many options for runner-ups! I settled on Anton because he’d be so cute with a tea-drinking dog lover. He deserves a puppy and a partner who makes them a pot to share. I also like you with Guy because an artist and writer couple is just too cute to pass up.

note: thank you for waiting 🖤

Read this post and send me an ask if you’d like a match-up of your own! 💌

[solarpunkpresentspodcast]

Fantasy, feminism, and philosophy

Recently, I picked up two novels published in the late 1980s by CJ Cherryh. I’ve been avoiding reading books since I finished my dissertation, as the act of opening a physical book seems a little too reminiscent of work, no matter the content - I’ve been enjoying audiobooks, but find it more difficult to listen to fiction than non-fiction, and so my consumption of published material has been skewed one way for several years.

I decided to break that cycle by returning to one of my pre-teen loves, which I read voraciously: high fantasy, the kind of novels with swords and sorcery right there on the cover, in all their pulpy ‘80s glory. I am a fast reader and can finish a ~250-page novel in an evening, given few interruptions, so long as I am hooked. I was looking for that hook.

I found it! And one other book by the same author, which I thought was high fantasy, but turns out to have a science-fiction, world-hopping backdrop. But I also am now armed with a lot more knowledge of feminist theory and the rise of women’s and feminist fiction* (well, science fiction) during the ‘70s and ‘80s, and so I found myself reading with an eye to the representation of women and a constant feminist narrative analysis going in the back of my brain (don’t be sorry; it was rad as hell). It takes a lot more for me to be satisfied with a narrative these days, and it’s not necessarily any sort of literary snobbery on my part, although I do consider myself to have higher standards now. I will read the pulpiest genre fic that I can find, but I will only truly recommend it if I find something redeeming in it - and not just plot and characters. I’m looking for a specific kind of feminist philosophy in the narrative.

Seems like a lot to ask from genre fiction, right? But to me (and to scholars in the entire discipline of English literature going back centuries), stories aren’t just stories: they’re vehicles embodying cultural attitudes and messages about the way the world works. Even a hastily-written piece of flash fiction will still contain the author’s biases and worldview in it, from the characters, the plot, and down to the words they choose to use (or avoid). Science fiction are stories (often) told in the future, but they are actually about present issues; fantasy are likewise stories (often) told in the past, but they reflect the author’s (and audience’s) view of and struggles within the present.**

And so I couldn’t help thinking, as I was reading, about my thesis’s second chapter, which was all about gender and post-apocalyptic science fiction during feminism’s second wave, because I think there’s a fair amount of those conclusions which are cross-applicable to fantasy from the same period.*** Not to put too fine a point on it, but post-apocalyptic sf is itself a fantastical narrative, and though it’s not “fantasy” as we think of the genre, it certainly draws from some of the same imaginative sources.

Some background

I’m gonna try to keep this brief, not least because others have written on it better and more comprehensively. In 17th century Europe, the Western scientific enterprise as we know it today was coalescing, and unfortunately for all subsequent practitioners of science, the values of 17th century European cismales were hard-coded into the philosophy underpinning the scientific worldview. Hence fun things like scientific racism, eugenics, devaluing animals and nature, and sexism, which keeps cropping up throughout the subsequent centuries, and is also what I’m going to focus on now.

You know what else was happening in 17th century Europe? Witch hunts. I’ll spare you a history lesson about it but in short, that’s the background cultural context of what was going on at the time. The milieu of misogyny, you might say. Carolyn Merchant, who wrote a pretty foundational ecofeminist text tracing this history, points to the writings of Francis Bacon as instrumental in advocating for “the control of nature for human benefit” in which he “used the language of nature as female to articulate an experimental philosophy that would extract nature's secrets.” (ENVIRONMENTALISM: FROM THE CONTROL OF NATURE TO PARTNERSHIP, 4).

Merchant argues that scientific discourse about nature codified the gender of nature as a female to be exploited, inviting abusive interrogation much in the same way as a torture victim on trial for witchcraft; her link between women’s persecution and the ramping-up of the exploitation of nature is echoed by socialist ecofeminists such as philosopher Val Plumwood in articulating the fundamentally misogynist underpinnings of a rationalist economics system that glorifies a separation of (masculine) intellectual reason from denigrated (feminine) bodily situatedness. Thus developed a scientific ethic that saw no problem with manipulation and use of the earth to satisfy scientific curiosity and capitalist gain within a patriarchal system of society.

Still with me? The female-nature connection in western culture is actually a lot older than 17th century, but before the industrial revolution there was emphasis on the mystery and power of nature and the life-giving capacity of women, which inspired respect or, at least, fond feelings for a “Mother Nature”. This crops up a lot in a lot of fantasy narratives, by the way, since most of them are set in a pre-industrialized past and also in some post-apocalyptic sf that assumes a catastrophe of some sort will set humanity back a millennia or two and with it will come this older worldview. Merchant argues that this older attitude served as a “cultural constraint” on the actions of human beings, since “[o]ne does not readily slay a mother, dig into her entrails for gold or mutilate her body” (Death 3). The advent of the industrial era and of scientific inquiry was made possible not just by advances in technology but in a philosophical shift in attitude to view feminine nature as inviting—and deserving—of violation by scientific and technological enterprises - which were, of course, male-coded.

Feminist critiques of (old) feminist fantasies

These two different attitudes - let’s call them the science fiction (post-17th century) and fantasy (pre-17th century) attitudes - aren’t as different as they might seem at first glance. Both adhere to an essentialist logic that is hierarchical, valuing “masculine civilization/culture” as inherently superior to “feminine nature.” I’m just going to mostly quote my thesis in the next two paragraphs here:

Essentialism understands “the feminine” as a repository of unchanging truths, determining substances, and ground of being, quite literally: it holds the historical European cultural conflation of women and nature as truth, and radical feminist political thought (and many feminist utopian fantasies) of the 1970s leaned into this binary, but flipped the moral hierarchy. Publications such as Mary Daly’s Gyn/Ecology: The Metaethics of Radical Feminism (1978) and Starhawk’s The Spiral Dance (1979), for example, embraced the identification of non-human nature and the feminine, celebrating the power of chthonic forces, the moon, fertility, and historical goddess worship. Radical, goddess, and other essentialist feminisms drew on deep ecology, following the same binary logic as Francis Bacon did, but reversing the moral weighting, holding the “male” forces of civilization, culture, and science as bad, or at least incredibly sus, given their collaboration with/outright endorsement of the systematic oppression/torture of women and the earth, if not the very reason for women’s suffering. Ciswomen’s bodies, traditionally the reason for their exclusion from cismale-only spiritual and intellectual spheres, were instead celebrated by some feminists as the ground of human life and part of the mystery of creation itself. ***

Feminist community based on an essentialist notion of cisfemale experience was and is a fantasy that, in addition to being violently exclusionary to trans and genderqueer persons and invested in creating and maintaining a distance between ciswomen and all others, at base replicates the same power structures that fuel patriarchal ideology, only with the values reversed. There is still a hierarchy in place, a flipped version of the fantasy attitude: there is the same conflation of women with nature and its consequent essentialist logic. Female empowerment is crucial to the realization of women’s full humanity, but its celebration at the expense of others leads directly to an ideology of exclusion, perpetuating the structures of oppression that make it necessary for female empowerment in the first place.

For example, some questions that bubble up when I encounter certain stories ask things like, Is this lady knight actually a strong female character, or a vehicle for a male power fantasy with a ciswoman subbed in and nothing else changed? Is this story about a witch/sorceress/magick-user main character really compelling, or is it subject to tropes from both the science fiction and fantasy attitudes, so she is either an evil conniving force to be subjugated (or romanced, depending on flavour) or a mystical feminine cipher in touch with the natural world…. or both? Both happens a lot.

In my thesis, I have a whole paragraph following those paragraphs on essentialism to disclaim that I’m not dissing the enormous contributions of many writers to fantasy whose works completely upended the hierarchical gender binary, boldly challenged gender roles, and stomped all around a genre that up until the ‘70s was almost exclusively made up of male writers. I’m convinced that we’re politically and socioculturally in those authors’ debt! I’m just skeptical of the fantasy genre because of the abovementioned history of the fantasy attitude. In my view, it takes an author who has an attitude (fantasy OR science fiction) that is consciously disloyal to its own roots in essentialist, sexist nonsense to write a narrative that isn’t fundamentally regressive.

Moar, tho…

It’s nice to fantasize about a world where the people whose gender that we identify with are pedestalized, taken care of, comforted, respected, given the benefit of the doubt, empowered, etc. Especially in this day and age when the demands of neoliberalism and late-stage capitalism pile up into an exhausting, overwhelming, threatening force against which it feels impossible to stand alone. Escaping into a world where powerful women are actually respected and can make tangible change in the world (through politics, or magic, or swinging a big sword around) is pretty great.

But it’s not wrong to demand more of our narratives. It’s not wrong to be critical of something that you love (I often joke that it’s the things that I love most that get the most harsh criticism). It’s not wrong to ask that the stories that I read articulate a non-binary, non-hierarchical society that people of all genders can move freely in, instead of being expected to act a certain way (and punished if they don’t perfectly conform).***** Flipping the gender hierarchy just isn’t enough anymore and isn’t even all that feminist, in the end.

In any case, I can highly recommend the work of CJ Cherryh; I think even thirty-five-odd years on, it still holds up because of the way she writes her characters, regardless of gender or age, as human beings and not essentialist tropes. I’m not surprised she won the Hugo, multiple times. She seems to have an underlying philosophy that values humans for who they are, not who they are supposed to be dependent on their predetermined roles in society.

What are some fantasy novels you would recommend? I’m not a huge short-story reader, and I’m a fan of wordplay and have spent the last eight years or so thinking about novels written by and for people living in the 1950s-80s. I need some good contemporary stuff! Or perhaps there are classics I am missing out on? Let me know in the comments!

PS: I’m indebted to the works of Donna Haraway, Celia Åsberg, Myra Hird, Helen Merrick, Élisabeth Vonarburg, Joanna Russ, Carolyn Merchant, Lisa Hogeland, and way too many others to list for influencing the direction of my ruminations here. Any issues are a result of my taking research on historical Canadian SF and bending it to apply to fantasy. ___

*They aren’t the same. It’s akin to assuming all Jewish people are Zionists. One is an identity category, the other a political one.

**Caveat: I’m not saying authors of sff sit down and are like “ah yes what issue griefing me right now am i going to put into this book” - it’s usually a subconscious thing. Sometimes authors do that! But it’s rare.

***Again, they aren’t the same: I’m not a scholar of fantasy, merely an observant fan who has a bit of a scholarly background in another genre literature.

**** This attitude is alive and well today in the politics of trans-exclusive radical feminists (TERFs), a subgroup of radical feminists whose reification of biological essentialism leads them to deny trans peoples’ identities. Fuck TERFs. Their philosophical worldview is warped.

******It’s also not wrong to love something even though it’s Problematic (tm), or just want to turn your brain off with a fluffy read. So long as you’re self-aware.

[3mixs]

Hi!

Did you see the GQ interview where they said Mina should star in a horror movie, with Nayeon saying that the twist is that Mina is the killer? I think Twice would be all for your ghostface au, too!

Your Twice band au reminds me of Fleetwood Mac and all the behind the scenes drama they went through making the masterpiece that is Rumours. As a Fleetwood Mac fan, I'm all for this idea!

But...I'm an even bigger Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan, so option 2 is it for me. So...would Jihyo and Mina go down the Buffy and Angel path of falling in love? Is Sana solely interested in stopping Jihyo from killing Mina to save her empire and herself, or is there some love still there for Mina (you said her love took a backseat, not that it went away entirely)? Could there be a juicy love triangle? Haha. All I know is that Sana sounds scary as hell. Would Jihyo have a Scooby Gang to support her? I hope so, I don't like the idea of her only having a Watcher and having no other support system. :( I could definitely see Nayeon and Jeongyeon as Cordelia and Xander. Bickering all the time but that sexual tension is lingering under the surface.

You have so many great story ideas that I don't think you could go wrong with any of your options.

-😱

omg i literally saw that the other day! i love that twice are accidentally pushing my ghostface!minayeon agenda. nayeon was actually just trying to spoil the fact i’m directing the next scream movie where i hire mina to be ghostface.

daisy jones & the six was actually based off of fleetwood mac so technically so is the band au! since you’re a fleetwood mac fan i 1000% recommend you check out daisy jones & the six. the show is pretty good if you haven’t read the book. but i would suggest you listen to the audiobook, it’s relatively short but god it’s soooooo good. it’s about a band from the 70′s who becomes super successful and then splits up after their tour and for 40 years they don’t speak about the group until someone makes a documentary. there’s a lot of drama, sexual tension, and drugs. it’s super fun! plus the characters are *chefs kiss*. like i really can’t recommend this story enough!

i love buffy too! it’s such a phenomenal show, i just re-watched it not too long ago and thought it would be cool to make a crossover with the vampire diaries universe. hence, this fic idea! you might be onto a few things *cough* love triangle *cough* i’m really considering writing this since people seem to be on board with the idea! i’m not sure how much i should give away right now. in case some people want the direction of the story and the characters motivations and stuff to be a surprise! so what i will say is humanity is unpredictable and love can make people do a lot of things :) i was contemplating adding a little slayer gang to the mix! since she started her journey as the slayer so young, she didn’t really have too much time to make friends or get to be a normal teen. plus, with her always being thrown into dangerous situations it would be hard to have friends. knowing that your presence will attract danger to them no matter how hard you try to protect them from it. but it really would be cruel to make her go through the motions (get it?? i made myself giggle) of being a slayer by herself. so maybe the watcher recruits some novice vampire hunters (aka 2yeon) to help them out. 

and thank you so much!! i appreciate that you think so  😭 these are like several ideas i’ve come up with over the years but i’ve never actually gotten around to writing since i’m not a very strong writer. but i’m trying to develop my writing skills so hopefully this will help and these stories turn out decent!

[spiderwaltz]

2/17/25 - more from my recent reading :)

On valentine’s day, Jess and I went to the library for a little while. I’ve always thought picking out books for each other is a cute idea, but that’s not what we intended to do, it just happened. She picked out Think twice originally. I took a look at it and did a preview read of the first few pages and got hooked. I read past the prologue and into chapter one and said yeah no I am going to read this! I happened to spot a book on the shelf that looked perfect for her and she ended up checking it out so things worked out. It started with an account from the killer carrying out a kill, then transitioned into the detective on the phone with his eighty year old parents who just discovered edibles and got high for the first time. they loved it and urged him to do the same. The killer of the story has presumably faked his own death and now they have to reopen the case. I’m excited, I like good thrillers. This one seems like it’ll be good.

My next audiobook listen is going to be I hope this finds you well, a dark office comedy about a women who gets access to all her coworkers emails. My next physical read is the counselors, a book I thrifted while visiting my grandma. It’s a thriller that takes place in a prestigious summer camp. I’m excited for this one because I have my own fond memories of summer camp from childhood and I like stories with familiar /relatable settings. (I read a lot of stories that take place at psychiatric institutions and I myself spent a lot of time in them. Coping? Processing?)

I read crying in H mart, the audio biography of michelle from japanese breakfast. It was mostly about grief, but she also talked about food and cooking and how her family showed love through cooking. She described so many dishes in delicious details, I felt so hungry and mouthwatery while also feeling emotionally shattered listening to her talk about her strained relationship with her mother up until she fell sick and died. I would recommend it to anyone who likes japanese breakfast, gives some context to some of her songs, like in heaven.

MARGO’S MONEY TROUBLES MY BELOVED!!!! I have feelings about sex work, and it’s a topic that should be handled with care in writing. It was an easy read, but a pretty heavy book. I don’t know why I keep picking books with heavy subject matter and go omg this is actually so sad 😵🫨 but let’s be real I know what I like. There’s a lot to unpack with this one. The main character Margo got groomed by her college professor and got pregnant with his baby. He was totally chill about it until she broke the news that they were not on the same page and she couldn’t bring herself to her an abortion. He switched up and his mom sent a lawyer with a BS contract with a couple thousand, a no contact order that would force her to withdraw from her university and a trust that matures when the child is 18. He is married and didn’t want his family to find out about his other baby, so he tries to pay Margo to stay away from him. She isn’t able to afford or find childcare and loses her waitresses job. Unable to stand her crying baby, her two roommates move out leaving her alone with the rent. She has another roommate who’s into larping and dresses like an elf but for some reason she doesn’t pay rent. she’s a university student. margo the unemployed single mother is single-handedly responsible for all this rent not a good situation. Her dad moves in which helps, what doesn’t help is he admits to being sober off of hard drugs. He did heroin with some much younger girl.

Now would be a good time to mention that her dad is a retired pro wrestler and her mom was a hooters waitress. They are now divorced because her dad is a cheater.

Margo signs up for onlyfans. She does okay, messages back and forth with some guy who doesn’t usually use the app but wants to ask her questions. His questions aren’t sexual, just random conversation. He pays generous amounts of money to talk to her. She feels like she should be lying to him for her safety but she is genuinely fond of him and looks forward to messaging him everyday. Hoping to grow her account and make more money, she collaborates with two girls who she was cyberstalking earlier looking for inspiration. She goes on their podcast and proposes they make tiktoks together. The pain of reading a modern book with tiktok as a plot device… oh well. So they schedule time to make tiktoks together made possible by her dad babysitting.

Her mom finds out about her career choice and is disgusted and furious and they aren’t on speaking terms. Her dad was suprised at first then didn’t care then supported her wholeheartedly.

At some point things go sour in professor pricks marriage (she finds out he’s a cheater) and he wants his kids back and gets her wrapped up in some ridiculous lawsuit. This is where things go off the rails but in a good way. This was a good book. Buckle up. Her dad relapses. He took a lot of painkillers in his wrestling career making him more vulnerable. He starts taking a certain kind for harm reduction. If he took heroin for example on it the positive effects wouldn’t work. Furious about her job choice her mom sends CPS to her house. This is horrible timing with the lawsuit and her dad. She feels she may really lose her baby. She also gets leaked online and her love interest finds out she was lying to him. Shit gets better between them though and he flies to see her. She forgives her dad and her mom forgives her and she forgives her mom. The court treats the professor as morally questionable and she wins the lawsuit! I loved this book.

I also read the glass girl. It’s the newest book by kathleen glasgow right now. It was just as good as her other ones. It was about a girl with an alcohol addiction who had to go to rehab. I love her books because of how real the characters feel. She does a good job with family dynamics especially.

[verbaetacta]

Reaching higher ideals

I feel unfinished. Like a half-finished statue stuck in a block of marble. I feel like I’ve been living my life as a bystander. Like I haven’t really made that many conscious choices, but more gone with the flow and seen where I’ll end up. While I am in many ways happy with where I am now, I feel like there is something missing. I guess I could call it deliberateness.

Because I feel like I haven’t very actively made the choices that have brought me here, I also feel like in many ways where I am now is a happy accident. I can’t live like that forever. I want to choose the way I live, even if I don’t want to radically change how i currently live. I don’t want to die, feeling like I always just… wasn’t ever completely present in my life.

At the moment, I’m not completely sure what I want to change and how I want to do it, and that’s why I want to write about it. Writing is a good way to organise thoughts. There are however a few things I’m certain I want to change.

I want to learn and know more. When I was younger, I was so hungry for knowledge. Before I had constant access to the internet, I would write down lists of words and things I’d need to look up when I was at the computer. I would read endless amounts of books, and almost by accident I would learn so much from what I read. It made the world seem like a wonderful, vast place with so much potential. Now, I barely read books (though I do listen to audiobooks), and I really miss that feeling.

I want to use time more consciously and deliberately. I’m honestly quite ashamed of how much time I spend scrolling through the internet, and all that wasted time takes away time I could spend on more meaningful things. The internet has become this place of passive rest for me, a place where I can mindlessly scroll through endless short videos, random pictures or reddit posts. I need to break this habit, and find better ways to rest that don’t make me feel awful.

I want to improve my physical health. I’ve never been a very active person, thought there have been times where I’ve really focused on some sort of exercise and become at least moderately okay at it. Right now, however, I’m at a low point. I’m overweight and out of shape, and I’m feeling the effects of it. I do go to the gym somewhat regularly, but not enough for it to be really meaningful. I walk our dog daily, but the dog walks so slowly it can barely be called exercise. I need something more. I need to feel strong and capable. There are two quotes that really inspire me in this endeavour, one by Plato: ”Lack of activity destroys the good condition of every human being, while movement and methodical physical exercise save it and preserve it.” and the other by Socrates (though it is debated whether he actually said this): ”No man has the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training. It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable.” Just as I’m wasting my mind and time on meaningless internet slop, I’m wasting the potential of my body on not using it and not taking care of it. And it is a shame.

Now that I write all this down, it’s beginning to sound like the source of all my problems is the internet. Maybe our parents were right after all, and it is those damn phones. Maybe I should just throw my phone and tablet in the ocean. At some point, I might do some sort of experiment on living unplugged from the internet, at least for a short while.

Anyway, I need to contemplate things and what sort of changes and habits I want to implement. I have a habit of doing too much at once and tiring myself out, which leads to giving up. I need to learn to pace myself.

[9rophet]

No Pressure

This new year is off to a good start. I backspaced the word, great to describe the start because honestly it would take a lot for me to say that wholeheartedly. However, the transition hasn’t been bad as I’ve gotten a $100 increase to my pay, handled the bills that matter (for the most part), renewed my lease, avoided issues with my car, avoided situations that were grueling, acquired some cool new additions to my closet, and I went out of my comfort zone and attended an event around like-minded creatives and got much needed feedback on my craft there. Out of all that I don’t know where to start or which one I should talk more in-depth about. I felt an urge to journal. I’m listening to Knxwledge as I do so. It’s quite calming and just this act alone is somewhat therapeutic. Speaking of therapy, I spoke to my therapist yesterday. It was good seeing him after holiday break. I’m glad we picked up as if it wasn’t even a long time without speaking. There was no awkwardness. I really appreciate my therapist. He gives the best advice & I feel I haven’t matched with a better person to get advice or a better listener than him in my life. I don’t know if I annoy him by how much I talk about myself, but I learned to not dwell on that possibility because his opinion of me would be out of my control anyway. I mentioned to him an audiobook I’ve been listening to by Kevin Hart called Monsters and How to Tame Them & so far I swear by that book. I’ve told any friend I could get on a call about it & even went as far as to sharing it on my Instagram story and Facebook newsfeed. I’ll have to listen to it in its entirety a few times before I can quote it and speak as to why I like it so much and find my own way to discuss the concepts, but so far I’m in love with it. It’s 5 hours and some change in time length, but the comedy mixed with the harsh, hard-hitting, necessary truths put my thoughts into words and makes sense of them. I express myself though graphic design and music, I used to express myself through art by drawing, which I want to pick back up, but I think what’s been the most therapeutic way to express myself is through words and philosophy from journaling to songwriting to watching video essays to listening to the aforementioned audiobooks. It can seem like a lot when I type it out and there was certain things I left out of that last sentence to not make it any longer, but together I feel like I’m becoming a more well-rounded person. There’s things from my past I regret doing and things that I beat myself up about ’til this day partly to remind myself to never make the same mistakes again and partly out of not even knowing why. I guess that second part is what I’m trying to make sense of. I do come across memes and sayings that remind me of how human that is. I guess redemption is a tale as old as time that it’s almost a cliché. I hope I can prove to the world that I’m a good man and one day, hopefully, even a great man, but it would have to start with proving that to myself first. No pressure. 

I wanted to talk about how my creative process is not organized at all. Well it might be somewhat organized as far as the steps I take to start making something new, but typing about how I express myself kept putting a word into my head; “chaos”. It’s chaotic. I think the very act of creating is making something out of nothing, pulling together resources out of the void and or different realms to make something you see fit. It’s the closest you can come to being Godly. That might sound a bit dramatic, but in the truest form of what God has done, it holds truth. You can already see where I’m going with that so I won’t delve any deeper, but only to say it’s divine and what you create can shift reality. I’m not too well-versed in the laws of the universe, but I’m pretty sure somewhere in the discussion of that, “creation” and “creativity” has a big part. I don’t know if organizing my creative process better will bring about better results, in theory it should, but the naturalness of being chaotic holds its own benefits and qualities. Random tangent.

I’ve invested into equipment that should make creating easier, it’s just a matter of pushing myself or moving myself and putting myself in the position to use it. One thing I pray to God about is that I never lose the love for doing what I enjoy. God forbid.

My love for doing what I love is greater to me than love itself (the romantic kind).

[theshadowcreator]

They are real

A my little pony creepypasta that is basedon a true story

I love reading and listening to creepypasta’s especially when it comes to my little pony. I listened to them a lot until last night when I had a nightmare about them.

It started off like any dream, it was me and my family packing our bags to go on vacation during the summer I don’t know exactly where we went but the hotel rooms were nice. I shared one with my younger sister let’s call her Sarah. Now I do have two older sisters which they were put in a different room. Our room was pink even the beds and canopy was pink. I loved it but Sarah hated it. Sarah hates pink but it is my favorite color. I out my AirPods in and put YouTube on my phone. My recommended page on YouTube was full of five nights at Freddy’s and my little pony creepyoasta’s. I usually don’t listen to them at night bc I know It will cause me to have nightmares so I put on an audiobook from the five nights at Freddy’s book series and drifted off to sleep. I woke up with YouTube playing “why I don’t watch my little pony anymore” By the lay narrator. It was almost over. I turned it off bc I was scared. I had a nightmare but I don’t remember what it was about.

This lasted for a few weeks before things started happening. I saw Fluttershy in one of my dreams. Fluttershy is also my favorite character. She looked filthy and her eyes were black. Her hair looked like it hadn’t been brushed in weeks and her smile stretched all the way to the end of her face. She also had sharp teeth that could bite into someone’s skin. The same happened for the next night except if was pinkie pie. She also looked filthy and had black eyes with the same smile and teeth but her hair was straight and neatly brushed and she had dark holes in her hooves. It was a terrifying sight. I began to see people around town and even in buildings look exactly like these characters. They didn’t say anything but stared at each other and moving their mouths as if they were having a conversation but no sound came out of their mouths. My family weee the only normal ones in town. I went to my sister about the nightmares I was having and what I see everyday now when I look at people. I also drew pictures of the characters so she could see what they looked like so I didn’t have to describe them. “Maybe it’s what your listening to when you sleep”

“It’s not my fault. No matter what I do those stories start playing I started deleting every app a have because of that” I was getting annoyed because she was bit understanding what I was saying.

I went to sleep while hugging my Isabelle toy the one I got from build a bear a year ago. This time I didn’t play anything and my phone was turned all the way off but I still had another nightmare.

I woke up and stared at these pictures and noticed that Fluttershy’s hair was moving. That’s impossible for a drawing. I went to pick it up but noticed that I no long had hands but yellow hooves. I looked in a mirror and screamed. I has turned into one of them.

I woke up out of breath. I slowed my breathing and came to terms that it was just a dream but I have those pictures of pinkie pie and fluttershy in my head and I don’t think they will ever leave.

Hey guys thanks for reading this story. It took some time and strength to write this as I did have this exact dream. The only thing that was made up was the name of my sister and how many days we spent there bc I don’t remember how many days we were there. I hope you guys enjoy and have a good day.