#but I know i cannot ask too much of a humble god 🙏

[outer-edges]

dear god, i would like to go to sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow with my novel fully completed in my google drive so i may read it, please and thank you amen

[yingleis]

i humbly request for angsty found family prompt 11 ft zhao yuanzhou because i love to see my blorbo suffering. angst no comfort is my favourite thing in this whole wide world ❤️🙏

11. still having to sort their feelings out on their own because they can't stand to be seen in an emotional state

-> I chose to write about the aftermath of episode 17, so spoilers under the cut for those who haven't watched it yet.

---

It must've been a nightmare, Zhao Yuanzhou told himself.

He'd barely sensed it– between the malicious energy rousing every single violent thought he'd suppressed and having to restrain himself from attacking his friends, he hadn't the luxury to focus on his surroundings.

So he barely registers it when Ying Zhao bids his grandson goodbye, sacrificing his dharma in order to suppress Zhao Yuanzhou, doesn't realise it until he blacks out and wakes to his hollow-eyed friends.

It doesn't take him long to figure it out– the energy surrounding Mount Kunlun was different now, the warmth and steadiness of Ying Zhao’s inner energy now stripped away, leaving it with a barely there, weaker and unpracticed inner energy.

The mountain god of Mount Kunlun has changed.

—

I cannot kill you, Ying Zhao had said back then, with a kind– but sad– smile.

“You must,” Zhao Yuanzhou had stubbornly insisted, oblivious to the pain in the elder’s eyes, blinded by his own suffering.

I will think of something. 

And he had trusted Ying Zhao to, foolishly convincing himself that the wise mountain god would find a way.

Never did he expect that Ying Zhao would actually– 

Would actually–

Zhao Yuanzhou stumbles out of his room, suddenly unable to breathe, and takes a lesser known route to the hidden cave he and Li Lun had found during their stay on Mount Kunlun.

(Not even Ying Lei knew of this place, he was sure).

And oh gods– Li Lun.

Li Lun would have to know about this too, would have to be told that his old friend had passed. 

(Would Li Lun blame him for Ying Zhao’s death? 

There was a high possibility. Ying Zhao had extended to them such kindness, had taken them in and guided them when they were young.

And how had Zhao Yuanzhou repaid that debt?

– He had all but asked Ying Zhao to sacrifice himself, had forced his hand, when he still had such a young grandson who needed him.

That was another point added to his ever growing list of sins).

Zhao Yuanzhou sits down heavily, his legs unable to support him any longer.

He feels the cold, rough stone tearing at the fabric of his robes, the uncomfortable jagged walls of the cave as he leans against it, attempting to calm himself down.

He would not allow himself to be so vulnerable around the Demon Hunting Bureau, could not allow them to see him like this.

But for now– and he had a while before any of them started to look for him, he thinks– Zhao Yuanzhou would allow himself a moment of weakness, give himself some time to properly mourn Ying Zhao.

(You have driven another friend to ruin, the malicious voice whispers, curling a freezing hand around his heart.

Ying Zhao caree so much for you, treated you as one of his own despite you being a demon, despite the danger that you posed.

A brand around his heart, squeezing it until Zhao Yuanzhou saw spots dancing across his vision.

He was an honorable man, one who wholeheartedly cared for the Wilderness and took pride in his job as one of the protectors of the Wilderness and you took advantage of that.

The air seemed to have rushed out of his lungs, leaving him empty and heaving for air, a pathetic heap on the cave floor–)

Rather blankly, almost as if he were watching from outsider's eyes, he watches as tears which he had thought himself incapable of now stained his sleeves, running in an uncontrollable stream down his face.

—

Zhao Yuanzhou does not know how long he spends in that cave, only that it was daybreak by the time Zhuo Yichen finds him, and he could no longer feel his legs, too numb from sitting on the cold cave floor.

Mortal bodies truly were too weak, he laments.

(And yet, as he'd just experienced– neither were gods or demons as indestructible as they seemed, either).

There would be more time to properly grieve Ying Zhao again. Zhao Yuanzhou tucks away his sorrow, firmly yanking on his aloof mask over his face once more.

For now, they needed to find a way to fix the Baize seal.

[mtnkat3]

10.08am.

💡you . . . . .see me? The fragile soul that's also fierce & strong. Just... when it comes to you . . . . .I'm in the unknown of the vastness of love & I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. Rather than protecting them from getting pecked. 💡you . . . . .each piece.....keep poking.. pecking.. pushing.. because... ... ... I've gotta learn... what? What lesson? You . . . . .do realize that you . . . . .brought about this hurdle..right? Your . . . . .actions are why I have such a problem. Why I'm curled up against Tijgeress & she's incensed by this! She's roaring & moaning how dare... deep breath. Sensory reminder. So then I guess the question should be... why you.....wanted to create strife in this manner. Here.. exposed... 💡to watch how I handle this? Without pertinent information how did you..... think I would? Hm? Like a 300# weight dragging me to the bottom of the ocean with no way of breaking free & drowning. Not in love. But in discord, rejection, feeling unwanted, lost, abandoned, alone. This isn't a santa surprise. This is a nightmare of gremlins for me. And I keep getting poked. Even in my dreams. How am I to be your.....safe harbor when you..... are making think that you . . . . .don't want me to be? Each piece of you . . . . . It's like testing me like a ... choicest piece to ... sobbing. Why!?!?!?!?!? Why do you . . . . . keep testing me????? I've given you.....everything. You . . . . . have more of me than anyone else on this planet. Know more about me than anyone else does either. So. Again. Why!?!?!?!?!? Is it the adversary tricks of revenge & vindictiveness? Is it to make me prove myself... my love, loyalty, faithfulness, fidelity, devotion? I have very few friends, & the ones I do have are supportive of me & want to see me grow, thrive & escape my current situation. The friends that I have want me to find love. They want me to stop being hurt. As I am happy for them when they are.

See, I gave my heart, my soul's keys to you . . . . . a long time ago. I don't want those keys back. I cannot take them back.

You . . . . .own my keys.

No matter what.

No changes. No take backs. No alterations.

So you . . . . .want me to prove myself?

I do so. Every day. I keep getting up & trying. With you . . . . .& with life.

I haven't given up. Nor will I.

So. How are you . . . . . proving those things to me.....

I am not testing you. . . . . Have not. Will not. I have not abandoned you..... I have not totally disappeared.

Yes, I took a hiatus. Ahem. Think about why... I hadn't an inkling where you . . . . . where..... certainly wasn't yet awake to the pieces I am now. And I know I still have much more to learn first! No... I think you . . . . .have been aware... of my movements.. all along. My senses .. my soul.. my gut instincts. Even when the adversary is playing tricks in my mind & making me think I'm a loon. I am not. I just listen. To God. And I know He is allowing me to hear your souls voices.....

I am not crazy. But I am complex.

I know that I am yours . . . . .

But it's up to you . . . . .

Do you . . . . . want to & do.. love... me.

Chewing my lips bowed.

Remember..... I. Am. Here. For. You . . . . .

Only reason I came back.

You . . . . .

I want to love you . . . . . Openly.

I long to give you . . . . .alllll of me.

Is it too much to ask?

Bowing head & praying.

God... please?

I give it to You. You know my soul as You Created me the way I am.

Please? Be with my soul's mates.....to know me too? & want me... too.

Protect my loves.....Dear Lord.

In Your Name Jesus. Amen.

Humbly bowed.

Your humble bowed confused hurting scared listening daughter.

Your complex quirky warrior queen daughter.

~Tijgeress kat Phoenix.

✝️☸⚓🙇‍♀️🙏🤲👣🐾🌂🔗⛓🧰📋📆👩‍🏫🕵️‍♀️👷‍♀️⚒🛠⚙⚖🔐🗽🏗🧱🏰🛡⚔🧣🧤🥾🏔🥧🍋🥤🐯🦉🐐🐢🐛🦋🌱🌺🌳🌹🌻🌷🌳🧶🧵🎓⌚⚡🌟🌠🗝🔱⚜💝🐻🦌🧩♠️♾💫❄

🧭🧭🧭🧭🧭🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯

☔🌦🙇‍♀️

M.1.16.2023 11.07am.est.

[mtnkat3]

4.52pm

I am here for You DOne. Solely.

If You remember anything about me... I'm stubborn as a mule. It's why I'm alive to see this birthday. It's why I have been well not giving up. I believe in "True love waits." I haven't stopped. I never will. Because I love You/Alll. Not just as a human being. But as a soul's Mate/s. Precious. Priceless treasures.

I cannot fathom that I was too quiet. If anything I thought I'd been bombarding You/Alll.

I mean I know that we Alll, You DOne, DPOne &Alll, & I are all naturally quiet people. I know we overthink tooo.

What I don't understand is... did I not divide my time correctly? Or do You/Alll want something to change in the dynamic.

You DOne DPOne &Alll. Only reason I'm still on tumblr. Heck, I drove to Florida for You/Alll. I'm watching my costs so that I don't go way over my budget. I am sacrificing for us.no other reason.

So DOne. What did I do wrong?

I know You go silent. I have observed this before. But I don't know why. Was it me. Or just life.

I know that DPOne, You also go silent. As right now You are telling me to walk alone.

I am struggling.

Because I have been giving You/Alll everything of myself.

I don't know how or where I went so wrong that You/Alll are being quiet.

But I feel it. I feel it badly.

I am still on the same side DOne, lower though.

Do You want me to knock on alll... those doors where possibly?

I will.

But do You want me to...

Seee DOne You say tooo much effort, but yet that not caring enough.

What have I done wrong?

Because I am devoted to You.

As tooo DPOne & Alll.

Has something about that changed for You/Alll?

I mean I found this place, but only because of You/Alll. Which I took as a good sign. Was I wrong? Do You noe think I'm a bad kinds obsessed & crazy? Rather than soul's Mate/s kinda love? You tell me DOne.

Just so You know... I don't give up. Especially not on You Alll. I just can't do that.

So if God Blesses me to find You before either You are gone back... sob. Or... You want me... 245. Or before I have to check out on Saturday.

I will do whatever it takes.

I think I need to figure out were I was not giving You what You need for my efforts to now be tooo much...but really mean are too little too late.

I have walked thru fires for You/Alll DOne DPOne & Alll. And I will walk thru hell to find You Alll.

Don't ask me to give up. Not unless You do so face to face. And even then it will break me.

I don't like this being so far away, but compared to "normal" I'm still closer. But I feel so far from You DOne. When the only reason I'm here.

Hello.

I want You tooo.

Please forgive me DOne?

Please.

I'm not anybody else. I am me. And I have loved & adored You DOne, & DPOne & Alll for a long time now. And really, I have waited longer than that. I have waited my whole life. I have waited. And I will continue to wait. For eternity. Because.

I love You DOne.

I love You DPOne & Alll.

Tell me what You are upset about DOne. I thought I was doing right but I seee I have done wrong by You.

Please. Tell me. Please.

I am not the type to do this. Not for anyone but You/Alll will I ever. This entire thing, tumblr, this trip, alll for You/Alll.

I love You DOne, DPOne, & Alll.

Period.

I am Your's/s'.

Whether it's easy on me or not. Whether You Alll have changed Your/Alll's minds or not.

Bowed & humbled & confused & hurt & feeling my soul's Mate/s pulling away is destroying me.

Your's/s' TkP. Alllways & Forever.

🔱💖🐻💓🦌💝⚜♠️🗝🧩♾⚓🙏🙇‍♀️🦉🐢🐛🦋🌱🌺🌻🌹🌷🌳🧶🧵🔆🌠⚡🌂🔗☔⚙🗽🌎🎯🧭😖💔

5.30pm