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bambi-kinos · 10 months ago

Note

I just came across your analysis of However Absurd and thought it was lovely. I'm curious, as someone who thinks John and Paul had some kind of romantic or sexual relationship, what is your take on The Lovers That Never Were? Is he using the word "lovers" to mean "partners"? I have always interpreted it to mean that Paul knows there was something there but it never happened. Every time I start to be convinced that they were together in some way I think of this song and the devastating way Paul sings it in the demo and the heartbreaking fact that he still felt it that intensely 13 years after John's death.

Oh wow thank you! The server had a lot of fun discussing that, if it's good it's because I had a little help from my friends heheh (─‿‿─) ♡

I ended up writing a massive novel in response to all this so I hope you enjoy reading it heheh. For server members, I've pulled some quotes from my previous Discord essays on this topic so you'll see some stuff that you've read.

tl;dr - I don't think "The Lovers That Never Were" contradicts the secret relationship theory at all! I think it compliments it very well actually.

In order to get into All That, I will outline how I perceive what their relationship was built on and how they reacted to it. I should note that I don't consider this definitive. It's important to remember that we all have unique interpretations of John and Paul because of our experiences and our personal POVs. There is no single answer until Paul decides to tell us what happened and/or Sean publishes John's diaries (written and audio). Until that happens, we are all forced to look at the same material and draw our own conclusions which will naturally be shaped through our personal perceptions. Some of us are older and are much closer to the original culture that John and Paul were raised in; some of us are younger and grew up in a much more LGBT+ positive environment. This naturally has an impact on how we interpret John and Paul's relationship.

I say this because I know my POV on John and Paul is a bit different from everyone else's. I'm a historian by training but part of being a historian is the understanding that you will never fully understand the events as they happened because your personal viewpoint and inherent bias is simply too strong. But that's okay because this is a part of humanity that we all share, yeah? With that understanding LET'S GO!

Paul My view on Paul is that he's always understood that he's different from other men. I doubt he could put a name to it until very recently. Paul has synesthesia, he's bisexual, he connects to music in a savant-like way, he's neurodivergent which is why he takes criticism so hard, and all of that would still be true even if he didn't have left over emotional issues from his mother dying the way she did + his fraught relationship with his father.

Keep in mind that circumstantial evidence points to the idea that Paul orchestrated the meeting at the fête! He realized he had a mutual friend with John in Ivan (who is to say that he did not meet Ivan at a QM performance and had that mental realization there?) He went through Hot Girl Summer before and after the fête, wanting to be fucking fit so that he wasn't embarrassed to meet John! I did the same thing when I had a crush as a teenager!

So with all that in mind, imagine this: you're Paul McCartney. You met John Lennon barely a year after Mary died. You turned 15 on June 18th, 1957 and met John at the fête on July 6, 1957. At some undetermined point before this garden party you saw a beautiful boy on the bus and began riding it obsessively hoping the Teddie boy would get on it. You followed him to the chippie and stood in line behind him…allegedly because you thought "oh wow he looks so cool." Marky Mark thinks (and I agree) that you may have even followed John to at least one Quarry Man show before the fête. Is this 'normal' behavior? Or is this the unhinged behavior of a teenager with a massive crush? The kind that comes about when you see a cute boy with red hair, and red is the color you associate with happiness, and then you find out that he plays guitar just like you and you follow him around until you see one of his performances and he's so good he knocks you back and then someone says "hi Paul, I didn't know you liked music!" behind you. And you realize that it's your friend and that you can meet the boy you have a crush on through this friend. You just need to lose weight and grow your hair out first.

When did Paul first see John, anyway? Before he turned 15 I'd wager.

I submit the idea that Paul has been in love John Lennon for his entire life. It will be 67 years of love when this July 6th rolls around. John was making a name for himself, he was known around town as "that Lennon." A minor celebrity like we’ve all had in our hometowns. Paul loved music. Before the internet you would go to the town square to hear a band.

Paul did that. Saw John. Pursued him with intent. When John went to Gambier Terrace to be with Stuart, Paul made a nuisance of himself showing up at their parties and playing the proto-version of "Michelle" in front of the girls…and John.

I love you, I love you, I love you That's all I want to say Until I find a way I will say the only words I know that You'll understand

I don't think that a 15 year old Paul McCartney would explicitly label his feelings for John as 'love' or a 'crush' but I do think that's what happened. When you're a teenager, a crush can express itself in many different ways. I used to have a big crush on a girl who was a volleyball player at my junior high school…that expressed itself as intense admiration. I even told one of my friends that I thought she was 'really cool.' It wasn't until later that I realized that I had a crush on her.

But I think that Paul has always known that he's 'different' and that he wasn't like other boys while growing up. Part of his touchiness about his looks comes from being bullied but I also think that he's a lot more self aware than he pretends to be. I think he realized relatively fast how he felt about John (maybe once John picked up with Stuart and Cynthia at art college.) I think he carried that with him for years hence his anguished response to being jilted in Hamburg and how furious he was at John for running off to Spain with Brian. He didn't realize it immediately but once it sticks to you then it fucking sticks. I think that Paul has done a lot internal wrestling with being a bisexual man and what that means for him and that he has been wrestling with it for decades. I think he was fully in the grip of that wrestling as he and John's friendship began growing and Paul realized what was happening to him. He does enjoy women but I also think that he felt it was necessary to pursue them heavily as a young man to camouflage himself.

I don't think a day has gone by since 1957 where Paul has not known what he was. What exactly that means for him…is up for interpretation. That's where the gray area is. But IMO Paul has almost always known that he's sexually attracted to other men and that John woke this in him. The big question for Paul is what he should do about it.

John There's been a lot written about John and his sexuality that I won't rehash here but truthfully I think John was in a similar place to Paul in knowing that he's always had a sexual preference for other men. John was a lot less comfortable about it though. Having unprotected sex with his girlfriends was, IMO, John trying to subconsciously engineer a situation that would "fix" him via an accidental pregnancy necessitating a marriage.

Of course that didn't do anything because it never does. John still felt chemistry with Paul when they met at the fête, with that quote about them "circling each other like cats." IMO John felt something immediately -- it's not entirely clear what -- though I don't think it "love at first sight" like with Paul. IMO their friendship, while still rooted in that chemistry, developed very naturally for John and he got to enjoy a platonic relationship with Paul before he put it all together. I say this because John saw Paul as a kid, not a peer, and that this endured for their lives in Liverpool pre-Hamburg. I struggle to imagine John or Paul deliberately inciting sexual or romantic contact during that time period aside from the group wank sessions (which were really trolling sessions from John.) Like, when Julia died, John went out and sought peers at art college like Cynthia and Stuart, other students his age. John and Paul bonded over losing their mothers and Paul has that quote about pranking people with the "oh yeah…my mum's dead thanks <3" bit but it also seems like John didn't want to be around that all the time. He lost his Uncle George and then his mother, he was starting to think that he was a death-curse on men in his family and that he brought suffering with him. He wanted to be away from that so he took a vacation from music to get a chance of scenery. Which meant putting Paul in a place of competition with Stuart and Cyn but I don't think John was thinking of that initially (though he exploited the situation later.)

Then Hamburg happens and they run wild. I have an entire meta about this that you can read here but I genuinely think John did not see Paul as a full fledged adult and potential sexual partner until they were in Hamburg in the red light district. I think that something happened there that we don't know about, that it's tied up in Stuart deciding to be with Astrid, John jilting Paul, Paul saying "fuck you I'm done" and getting a job at the coil winding factory in Liverpool after being deported, John tracking Paul down and spending weeks (probably) groveling and then giving Paul an ultimatum to come back to the Beatles. All of that screams 'I just realized I'm in love with my best friend and I'm freaking the fuck out' to me lmao.

John and Paul Of course something else changed after that too and John and Paul ended up becoming so close that even the Liverpool squares around them noticed. I think that whatever was going in their relationship, it started here. In the place where John and Paul were equally distraught with each other, the future of the band was uncertain, and Paul wanted a sign of commitment from John so that he didn't feel like he wasted years of his life. And of course John always felt compelled to be the man Paul wanted him to be so he treated Paul to a vacation in Paris which was so life affirming for them that it stayed with them for the rest of their lives. IMO the Paris vacation was explicitly romantic for them.

I think a switch flipped in 1961 and they went from "messing around" to "there's something there." It erupted in Paris and they showed each other more understanding and care then they expected from each other. John did sexy pin up poses for Paul in a bed that they shared; John remembers how the French held each other in their arms and just kissed each other, lovingly; Paul felt that he discovered the answer and that all those big name philosophers had nothing on the self realization he came to inside himself. Paul even took a photo of John that high lighted his package! Thanks to @louiselux for pointing this one out:

The thing was all the kissing and the holding that was going on in Paris. And it was so romantic, just to be there and see them, even though I was twenty-one and sort of not romantic. But I really loved it, the way the people would just stand under a tree kissing; and they weren’t mauling at each other, they were just kissing. — John Lennon, Playboy interview 1980

“We were like Paris existentialists. Jean-Paul Sartre had nothing on us. Sod ‘em all - I could write a novel… It was all inside me. I could do anything now.”

Paul McCartney, Anthology

Something happened in Paris and it wasn't just them getting haircuts and John buying Paul milkshakes. There was commitment there. And then the spell comes over them again when they return in January 1964:

The first night, John and Paul stayed in their suite, listening to records and reading fan mail. George, who had been signed for 100 pounds a day by the Daily Express to write of his experiences in Paris, went to a nightclub in the Place Pigalle.

Back in the City of Light, John and Paul slept till three o'clock in the afternoon. That much everybody agreed on.

Quote by Vincent Mulchrone from Daily Mail: George Harrison was astir early, but John Lennon and Paul McCartney slumbered on until frantic photographers forced them at lens point into the Champs-Élysées.

Derek Taylor (a British journalist) wanted to know why the Beatles slept so much. "My office wants to know what they're doing in Paris, so they'd better be doing something."

Love Me Do by Michael Braun

But I know what you're thinking. "What the hell does this all have to do with these two songs?"

And my reply is to keep a few things in mind:

Paul takes criticism and slights incredibly hard, possibly overreacting in some places and letting them overwhelm him mentally.

He never got over Barcelona, he never stopped resenting Stuart and Brian, he never got over John pulling the rug out from under him regarding the order of their names in the song credits. He contemplated committing suicide by smothering himself while he was in Scotland recovering from John leaving him.

John Lennon had a baby with a woman in the middle of all this. Julian Lennon was born April 8, 1963, conceived in July 1962, less than a year after Paris.

However Absurd & The Lovers That Never Were I listened to "However Absurd" and "The Lovers That Never Were" in that order. My immediate reaction is that these are both the same kind of song: they are both expressing sadness and frustration with John. This is a common theme with Paul's post-1980 John songs. What I find interesting is that they depict different though related gripes regarding John. In "However Absurd" Paul is expressing his longing for a cottagecore fantasy romance with John and then expressing frustration at John mocking him for it:

Ears twitch, like a dog Breaking eggs in a dish Do not mock me when I say This is not a lie

But in "The Lovers That Never Were" Paul expresses a different gripe: frustration that John won't commit to him and "anticipating" the break up that he secretly knew was coming ever since 1963 when John abandoned him and his own son to play patty-cake with Brian in Spain:

I hang patiently on every word you send Will we ever be much more than just friends? As for you, you sit there playing this game You keep me waiting

When all of the clocks have run down All over the world We'll be the lovers that never were

For as long as the sun shines in somebody's eyes I believe in you baby, so don't tell me lies For as long as the trees throw down blossoms and leaves I know there will be a parade of unpainted dreams

And I know dear, how much it's going to hurt If you still refuse to get your hands dirty So you, you must tell me something… I love you Say goodbye or anything

All of the clocks have run down Time's at an end If we can't be lovers we'll never be friends

John's penchant for disregarding Paul's feelings and even weaponizing them against Paul; the dashing of Paul's cottagecore dreams that were made and solidified in Paris; the fact that John, no matter what his intentions, could not get his shit together and commit to Paul no matter what he may have felt. These two songs are not contradictory to one another. Paul's idea of "commitment" looks very much like what he had with Linda and John in 1967: sharing a home, sharing a bed, being together every day, preferably somewhere green and remote. Exclusivity. Remember that Paul deliberately sabotaged his relationship with Jane Asher by nailing a woman in their bed when Jane came home, knowing perfectly well that he was breaking their exclusivity agreement.

That IMO, is what makes someone a lover and not just a friend you have sex with and secretly pine for. No cheating, or at least your agreed version of it. No disrespecting the relationship. Continuously being together. What did John do instead of this?

I think that Paul started out his "relationship" with John carrying high hopes and then watched them crumble to dust, over and over, because John simply did not take him seriously. He got Cynthia pregnant, he ran around on Paul with Brian, he had the nerve to flip out on Jane Asher when Paul brought her around when he was the one who couldn't stay faithful to Cynthia.

My hot take is that these songs demonstrate that Paul simply could not imagine John ever truly committing to him and treating him as a true partner. The homophobia and yes ~society~ is in there too but Paul was happy to flout this when it came to just about anyone else, traipsing all over France with Fraser and Mal. The difference is that he flat out didn't trust John. Being jilted for Stuart in Hamburg loomed too big in his head. Cynthia and Julian loomed too big in his head. Brian and Barcelona, realizing that John would happily betray whatever agreements or understandings he had with Paul simply to screw Paul out of a deal, loomed too big in his head. I think in particular its Barcelona that made Paul think John didn't value any of their professed ideals. John broke Paul's heart years before Yoko came along.

He didn't trust John. Fatalism is easier than taking control of your own life sometimes, and in Paul's mind there was no reason to believe John was genuine. Like, Paul knew John very well! He had very good reason to think that John was simply not serious about him. And John, no matter what his intentions were, proved that correct over and over and over and over.

So ultimately, I think that's what these songs are about. The melodies don't necessarily reflect this when I listened to them but I think that "The Lovers That Never Were" in particular is juxtaposing bitter wink-and-nod lyrics with an oddly perky tune. It's Paul laughing at himself for ever thinking John was willing to commit. He's mocking himself because while he allowed himself to get swept up in the dream of a possible genuine relationship with John, he knew deep down that it would go the way it did. That John would find a reason to get tired of him and abandon him. And then when Yoko came along, that's exactly what John did. Paul fatalistically accepted that the time had come and John met Paul's low expectations of him.

The Weight I don't think John and Paul necessarily planned to have a secret relationship. It seems more like they bundled the sexual/romantic stuff into their "thing" where it was just part and parcel of who they were and what they did. "It's only gay if the balls touch" etc. At some point that changed but Paul became convinced early on that it wouldn't work out so he didn't acknowledge his own secret desires and dreams. There was no roadmap between him and John about where they were taking this exactly and how they were going to make it work. He had sex with John and even engaged with romantic actions with John, hoping against hope that something would change and he would be proven wrong, but then John would be careless and Paul would collapse into hurt.

And oh yeah: Paul never, ever discussed any of this with John Lennon. He never told John how hurt he was because he didn't want to put up with John's derision. He felt devalued and lost and in typical Paul fashion he chose to ignore this for years and never bring it up, forcing it to come out in bizarre nonsensical actions when he inevitably boiled over. Why would he choose to confront it? He made sure to set up several safety nets to catch him! Jane and the Ashers, striking out on his own with "The Family Way" score, rubbing John's face in his escapades with other males as a way to go 'see, I don't need you just like you don't need me. How about THAT?'

I don't think John ever intended to hurt Paul as badly as he did. He thought that if Paul was upset about something then he would know via their ~telepathic connection.~ I think that he deliberately overlooked warning signs because he felt intensely guilty about certain actions he took (God only knows which ones) and that he helped himself not see Paul's hurt. I do think if he had the slightest idea of what was going on in Paul's head then he would have changed tactics immediately out of fear of losing Paul forever. But at heart John was a coward and if he didn't want to see something was wrong then he wouldn't see it unless something forced his hand. Like say, having his former best friend/ex-lover look him in the eye and go "I can write new songs" and kill The Beatles in a court of law. (And of course once he realized what he had done, years after the fact, it was too little too late. He couldn't take it back. How do you make up for inflicting that much hurt on someone that you supposedly care for? This paralyzed John for years.)

This was obviously a huge mistake and I think it was one of the landmines that blew their relationship up. Paul allowed his distrust and bitterness to overwhelm him. He should have been honest with John about his feelings; maybe not immediately but when they were able to look back with some perspective. Paul should have realized that their relationship could take heat. He should have trusted John more and if he had then John could have risen to the occasion. Everything could have been different. No more "I believe in you baby, so don't tell me lies." No more "Do not mock me when I say/This is not a lie."

He even expresses this in a third song, one that IMO puts this entire thing into perspective and ties these three songs together with a neat bow. "This One":

youtube

Did I ever take you in my arms, look you in the eye Tell you that 'I do?' Did I ever open up my heart And let you look inside?…

Did I ever touch you on the cheek Say that you were mine, thank you for the smile? Did I ever knock upon your door Try to get inside?…

Please take note of the bolded "Tell you that 'I do'!" Paul's deepest regret with regards to John is not trusting him more. He wishes that he had opened up to John about his hurt and how he angry he was that John was devaluing their relationship. That he wanted to commit to John but that he was scared John wouldn't say 'I do' back.

From John's POV he's just being John; he's looking out for the band. God knows he tried to be what Paul needed him to be but he got mixed signals and inconsistent behavior and Paul's ice queen behavior frustrated him to no end. This resulted in an endless circle of "fuck you/no no no, fuck YOU/well fuck you then!/fuck you" that ended up killing what they had.

But John is guilty in this too. He never made himself accountable to Paul. He didn't explain his actions. He acted rashly and selfishly and then was shocked when it blew up in his face. He didn't consistently act like he loved Paul. He took Paul for granted and told himself that he was doing the right thing, because changing your behavior is very very hard. He didn't let Paul in when it mattered.

Did you ever take me in your arms Look me in the eye, tell me that 'you do?'

As Paul grew up and he started to come to grips with the "What happened" of it all, maybe he realized that he had procrastinated. That he put off what mattered most because he couldn't bear to make himself vulnerable as a young man. Maybe he was waiting for a perfect moment to open himself up to John knowing perfectly well it would never arrive, a common delaying tactic for insecure and avoidant people. Not admitting that the perfect moment would never come and that he had to extend trust to receive it in return.

If I never did it, I was only waiting For a better moment that didn't come There never could be a better moment Than this one, this one

I think he's still angry at John for multiple betrayals, slaps to the face, and devaluing the specialness of their relationship and their affection for each other. But I also think that Paul is angry at himself for not trusting John, for not working harder at their relationship. He also delivered multiple betrayals and slaps to the face to John, feeding John's insecurity and fears of abandonment. Making a mockery of their relationship and how special it was. Paul has been doing public penance for this ever since John died, which snapped everything into perspective and he finally realized the full scope of his own screw ups.

Because it took two to destroy a relationship this intense and this special. If Paul did not know that before...

Well. He does now.

#the beatles #mclennon #john lennon #paul mccartney #mclennon meta #my meta #mclennon server #this was a really fun ask anon thank you!

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fanderficreader · 4 months ago

Text

The Trend. (Prinxiety)

A/N you could see it as platonic or romantic. (Either way, idc.) btw this is my first fic, so be nice pls. 😁

Words: 1021

TW: none

Virgil was in his room watching TikTok on his phone, when he came across a video. Someone was wearing a hoodie while someone else behind them was in the back of it, using their arms as the first persons arms. When he saw this, he got an idea.

Virgil made his way to Romans room, and knocked on the door. "Come in~" he said in a sing song tone. "Hey Roman. Whatcha doing?" Roman was at his desk, working on the script for the next sander sides video for Thomas. "Just helping Thomas with his script. Why?" Roman asked. "I was wondering if you're willing to try this trend with me." As Virgil said that, he pulled out his phone, pulling up the video he watched earlier.

"Oh, Yeah sure!" Roman said excitedly. He was mostly happy because Virgil barely wants to hang out with any of the sides. If so, he mostly hangs with Patton. So this was special for Roman. "So we're gunna need one of my hoodies." Virgil went to go grab a big hoodie that he owned. When he came back Roman was already set up with everything ready to go.

"Ok, so am I gunna be your arms, or are you gunna be mine?" Roman asked. "You can be my arms." Virgil put on the hoodie and let Roman get in the back. His arms then went through the sleeves, and they were ready to record. They chose the same audio that the other people did, and just ran with that. As they were recording though, Roman kept breathing on Virgil's neck on the inside of the hoodie.

Roman stopped the recording. "Hey, why do you keep shivering?" Roman started. "You are literally wearing a hoodie." He exclaimed. Roman was still in the hoodie as he was talking. So every time he would talk, it would send another tingly vibration down Virgil's spine. "I'm not s'shivering. I don't know w'what you're talking a'about." Virgil stuttered. "Is it cause I'm breathing on you?" When he asked that, Virgil got a little pink in the face.

Roman finally stuck his head out of the hoodie- his face also downing a nice crimson and some beads of sweat -he looked at Virgil and saw the pink in his cheeks. "I know why I'm red but why is your face flushed as well?" As roman said that, his face flushed a deeper pink. Roman was confused for a second. Until he put two and two together, and realized what was happening. "So you're sure you're fine?" As he said that, he shifted his hand so it could poke Virgil in the stomach a little. This made him jump slightly.

"Nope. I'm fihine." He awkwardly laughed, to brush off some of the tension. "Are you sure?" Roman leaned in to Virgil's ear to whisper that. When he did Virgil scrunched up his neck. Roman mentally giggled at that. Oh this is gunna be fun... he thought. "Hey Virgil." "Whahat?" He giggled slightly. "You know what would be great right now?" He started. "A kiss." With that he then started giving Virgil tiny kisses on his neck, behind his ear, and on his collarbone.

To tell you Virgil was a mess is an understatement. He was giggling up a storm, just enjoying the sensations on his body -But he would never tell anyone that(except for Roman...)- "aww, you look so cute like this Virgie." That made Virgil blush even more. "Stohahap wihith the tehehsihing!" Virgil said through the giggles. "Aww, but you love the teases~" he pulled up Virgil's shirt and the hoodie a bit, and started poking Virgil's stomach. That made the giggles pick up, and the squeals start.

After about 2,3 minutes of this Roman finally spoke. "Hey, Virge. You know what I'm craving right now?" Virgil didn't answer and just kept giggling. He shook his head back and fourth already knowing the answer. "Raspberries!" With that he then started blowing tiny raspberries on Virgil's neck and collarbone. When I tell you, Virgil screamed. "EEEEEEhehe!! NoHOHOoh!!" Virgil was in stitches, but he was also the happiest he'd been this whole week.

He's been down lately, in a state of depression. So he thought by doing this with Roman would really help lift his spirits. -and oh, did it do more then that- his dopamine levels were as high as a kite right now. "Hey Virge. You know what I've noticed." He stated calmly, as if there wasn't a grown man in hysterics in front of him. "Whahhahahat!?" He tried to answer. "You haven't once said for me to stop." He said with a shit-eating grin on his face. As he said that, he slowed his 'attack' to a stop.

"w'Well, i- um..." his blush burned a dark crimson at this point, and started to spread to the tips of his ears. "Do you perhaps like it?~" Roman asked. "n'No..." that got him a poke to the side. -the hoodie had already gotten taken off of the both of 'em at this point- he squeaked. "Ok, maybe a little..." Virgil's face was flushed so brightly, if you didn't know what they were talking about, you would be concerned for him.

"Well isn't that just adorable~" Roman said. "No it's not!" When he said that, Roman lifted a brow. "Are you sure about that?~" he then fluttered his fingers on Virgil's neck, making him giggle and scrunch up. "You're just like a roly poly." Roman smiled at Virgil. Which made him look away in embarrassment. "Hey, don't look away." He started. " I'm not done tickling you yet." There they both were, on the floor, in a tickle fight. Forgetting about the once attended to tripod, that was still recording Everything.

(A/N) I hope that you enjoyed this. It's my first sander sides fic, so it's probably not the best. But, I tried to give the characters as much justice as I could. I hope it was just as teasy for you as it was for me... AnYwAaAAaYsS! I hope you enjoyed, and I'll try and write more soon.😅 BYE!

#Sander sides #sander sides tickle #Tickle fic #Lee!virgil #Ler!roman #Ticklish Virgil

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jazz-miester · 2 years ago

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Im in the mood to cry today so I’d like a Bayverse optimus prime x mech reader.. Who dies.

I WANNA CRY MY EYES OUTT. Author, give it all ya got. Make it hurt. Make it bleed. I KNOW I CANT HANDLE IT BUT IM A SUCKER FOR ANGSTTTT

IVE READ YOUR ANGST FICS AND IT HURTS SO BAD YET FEELS SO GOOD???😭😭😭

As always, FEEL FREE TO IGNORE. BAIIIII‼️‼️

Supernova

Pairing: Bayverse Optimus x Reader

Reader Type: Mech

Song: Mercury- Sleeping at last

Warnings: Angst. Character death.

An: I love the fact that this is like. The third bayverse Optimus request I got lol. And I'm glad that you like my stuff so much! Umm. I also lowkey cried while writing this. So uhh. Angst.

su·per·no·va

/ˈso͞opərˌnōvə/

noun

ASTRONOMY

a star that suddenly increases greatly in brightness because of a catastrophic explosion that ejects most of its mass.

It's the pain that hits him. Searing and all consuming that blooms over his frame. The it is gone just as quickly as it came. The feathered ends of the bond pulling away from his spark.

Optimus is sent reeling from the suddenness of it. An icy worry fill its empty place. This wasn't just the blocking of pain to keep the other from getting distracted. No.

No.

"Optimus! Y/n's been hit!" The Prime's frame moves before he even tells it to. There is a hollow ringing in his audio receptors. His mind here but not as he is running across the battlefield.

His men part and flood back into place behind him as he moves. The world nothing more than a blur around him in his desperatin to get to you.

"My spark. My spark please." Optimus calls out to you through the bond. Pushing back every bit of fear and worry just so he could hear you. He needs to hear you.

He needs you.

There is a frame on the metal earth. Energon spilled below it. Medics bow over the fallen frame. Calling and speaking to one another only the way another medic could.

It is Ironhide who lays a sprawling servo on his chassis. The old mech gently pushing back.

"Prime. Its." He could not finish. Didn't dare speak the words. He said nothing but gave Optimus a look that would haunt the Prime until the day he returned to the well. A look that did not suit the old war hardened mech.

Optimus was able to do little else but stare for the briefest of klicks. Unable to come to terms with what was about to be a devastating truth.

To lose ones sparkmate.

To lose the only other that knew your frame. Your mind. Your very soul and drive for life.

It meant a total loss of oneself when the other half passed. For when they were gone they took a piece of the livings ones spark with them. You are never truly whole after. And there will never be another who could fill its place.

Optimus stepped forward. Pushing away Ironhide's arm. He could see Chromia from the corner of his optic. The blue femme was shaking. Frame covered in energon not her own.

"Optimus. I. I'm sorry." Optimus turned towards her. "I tried but he,. He.he."

"That is all I could as for, my friend." Optimus was at your side now. The medics having moved away. Fluttering about your fallen frame and the Prime like a flock of startled cyber-birds.

"My spark." Optimus's voice was hollow. He fell to his knees beside you. Servo hovering over the wound on your chassis. Light from you spark was leaking through the jagged metal.

A cracked spark chamber. Fixable in any other circumstance. But to see another's light. Their very life. It.

"I am going to lose you My Spark." His voice strained. Broke. "I am going to lose you." Optimus drew you into his arms. One rested beneath your shoulders. His servo cradling your helm. Holding it close to his own bleeding spark.

"I am sorry." Optimus could barely hear you. Your normally tenor voice, nearly a sing song at time when you spoke, was gone. The life of it pulled away just as you were doing now.

"I didn't see them." Your servo followed a shaking arc to the one cradling your helm. "I didn't see them." You repeated. Curling your digits around Optimus's.

"There is no need. Do not apologize.I" For the first time in a long long while. Optimus was at a loss for words.

For what words could one speak as the one they loved laid dying in their arms?

There is none. And that is the grief of it all.

"I need you My Spark. I need you." The tears fell and around them the others moved. Turning their backs to give the Prime time to grieve. To keep them both safe as the war raged around them.

"I know my love. I know." You sputtere and energon fell past your lips. The light of your spark grew brighter.

Optimus sobbed. Grieved. Cried out to all those who would listen.

"You can not leave. I will not allow it." Optimus brushed away the energon at your lips. His chin trembling as he took in your flickering Optics. "I am Prime! You can't. You can't." Optimus rocked.

You took his servo. Pressed a kiss to his knuckles. Then cradled it above your chassis. Above your dying spark.

"Oh Optimus. You are Prime. But you are no god. No even you can pull back the strings of fate."Optimus's helm fell over your chassis. Desperate to feel the warmth of your spark one last time. He cried and rocked with you in his arms. Broken voice pleading for you to stay just a bit longer.

"My love let me rest. Return my frame to Cybertron." You pressed your helm to him. "But know that I will always be with you. My spark will always be with yours." Optimus turned his helm. Pressed his lips to the crown of your helm

"Optimus I will be with you in this life and the next. My soul will follow yours no matter where this life finds you." There was a surge of energy as your spark grew closer to failure. The volatile ball of energy searching for a way out. "And I will be waiting upon your return to the well. Promise me though. That you will life a long life. A happy one. And make memories for me."

There was the final surge of energy. Your optics over bright and your chassis glowed a brilliant hue. Blinding the Prime in your death.

You frame slackened. Helm spilling away from the Primes chassis. Wit it the final break in his spark. The total and complete loss. Torn smoothly and harshly away.

"I promise."

He felt nothingness without you there.

Optimus cried out. Yelling until his vocalizer broke and gave way to silence. Even then he grieved. Heml buried into you. Frame shaking and trembling as the bond dissipated. He cursed the name of Primus then Unicron.

Then spat on the name of Megatron for good measure.

Tenderly. Gently. Optimus lifted your frame for the last time. He laid your rapidly greying frame on a stretcher the medics supplied. Then turned towards Chromia.

"Who." It was curt. Hollow. Devoid of any feeling.

"Optimus." She spoke.

"Who, Chromia." The energon you spilled had not yet dried on his servos.

"Prime. We cannot, in any sensible-" Optimus cut Ironhide off.

"I do not care Ironhide. They took my sparkmate from me. And I will kill them all. "

#Maccadam #optimus prime x reader #bayverse optimus prime #Bayverse optimus prime x reader #Optimus prime #Ask #anon #angst #character death

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asksuccubussides · 8 months ago

Text

I would give my life just to hold your hand

Part 2 out of 2

Master post of chapters

This is set in the same universe as "What if you were an asexual succubus wouldn't that be fucked up or what" but can be read on it's own

1929

Coming home from work and checking his mailbox had become the angel's favorite part of the day. It didn't matter that the mail only came every other month or so, each day he felt the same butterflies flutter in his chest as he walked the short distance to the neighborhood's mailboxes. When no mail had come he could always return home and reread the letters he had gotten from Remy.

He enjoyed tracing his fingers across the page and imagining the demon writing it. He imagined their concentrated expression and whether they had written it while sitting in his old apartment or while in hell.

The demon still had trouble with spelling especially considering neither of them could write in their native language to each other. He had convinced them to sneak into hell and steal a glossory for the demonic language during his latest letter and excitedly waited for the chance to learn it. Remy always sounded so hot when they spoke it- As soon as he caught himself thinking of the demon as attractice he forced himself to think of something else, like reciting prayer.

Nothing was in his mailbox when he checked but to his surprise the mailman came by a few hours later with not one but two packages for him both adressed from his old apartment. He thanked the mailman and quickly closed the door so that he could let out a high pitched squeal and fly around in a circle in his room until he'd calmed down enough to make some tea and put on a relaxing record on his gramphone.

He made himself comfortable by his desk and opened the first package while his wings continued to flap enough to make the papers on his desk twirl around. It contained the glossory he had requested and he held it close to his chest before turning to the other package.

It held a single record and a tiny note reading "Play me!"

For the first side of the record it was just normal jazz songs, some that he recognised and some new ones Remy must have thought he would enjoy (he did). But when he flipped it to the next side instead of music starting there was an unsure cough and a bit of static before he heard Remy for the first time in 5 years say.

"Hey Angel!"

It was a good thing he was already sitting down or he would have collapsed on the spot. He scrambled to move closer to the gramophone and nearly gave into the urge to hug the machine.

"I know a guy- you know what I mean by know- who like works in audio and stuff and I asked him if he could like put speech on record as well as he can put music on record, and if you're like hearing this I guess he could. Anyway I suuuupper hope you liked the music, I choose it just for yyyyooouuuuuuu"

"I did" The angel replied even though he knew they couldn't hear him.

"OH! And like another thingie. Sssso like not seeing you for this long it's like- I've thought about you a lot more y'know? Since it always takes some like time between when I write and get your response I like go around for weeks wondering what you'll like write back and it feels totally weird to just like go around referring to you as Angel in my head 'cause like you're AN angel not Angel y'know? It's weeeiiirdd"

The sound of paper getting unfolded was followed by Remy clearing their throat.

"So I made like a list of names I like so tell me if you like any of them so we can like decide on an official Angel name. Okay Here I go. Mildred. Doris- You look like a Doris- Milo. Uhh Thomas? I dunno. Ellis. Shirley and of course..Barbara!"

The paper got thrown away.

"So yeah tell me if you like any of them or got like other ideas. In other like news my demon friend convinced me to go and hear this like Edith Piaf lady sing? It was pretty sick- Ah shit okay okay my audio human is telling me to go- Okay well talk to you later Angel- Uhhh love you?" Remy audible took a step away "Hey girlie can we like cut this audio afterwards. I'm not like sure I wann have that last bit i-"

The record stopped and The angel stayed with his head laid against the bottom of the machine for another few minutes before turning the record on from where Remy first started talking.

My dear Remy

I received your record. It was lovely to hear your voice again!

(Within the margins of the paper he doodled Betty Bopps blowing kisses)

I have tried to learn some basic phrases in your language. Here I go:

I̸͍̔̚ ̸̧͔̫́̕̕L̸̨̑͂Ì̷͖͇̰̔V̶͉̈́͠Ȩ̵̈ ̸̤̐͘Ï̵̮̩͑N̵͚̈́͌ ̸̫̦͋A̷̡̦̟͗ ̶̢̪̔̋͂ͅH̸̺͛͝Ö̶͍̊U̷͖̹͛̏͑S̴̢̳͗E̵̙̅͛.̷̥͊̔͠ ̴̞̩̜̋͗͗ ̵̜̣̮̈̀I̸̮͒̆̾ ̴̥͔̳́Ḷ̴̢̻̐Ỉ̵̗̄̈́K̶̦̄̏͠E̷̗̙̔ ̵̦̊D̶̳̀̏O̶͙͆̀G̸̣͐̆͝S̶͓̈́͜͝.̸̫̞͊́͠ ̴͔̰́̈́̅M̸͍̼̎̓̿Ẏ̴̭̾ ̸̦͑N̴͙̯͂͊̓A̶̮̥̎̀M̸̺͆͘E̵̟̭͗̑͝ ̸̤́͘Î̷̘̬̺̑S̷̟͐̽͘ ̷̡͎̫̽̂Ń̵̙̀Ō̸̤̃T̶̬̠̎Ḩ̴͎͒̋͊Ḯ̵͇̯͌͆Ṋ̸̗̀͜͠G̷̜̤̐

Tell me if I wrote it correctly :DD And speaking of the last thing with my name I love your suggestions !!! Not sure I want to be called any of those names though ?? I have never choosen a name before so I don't know when a name feels right. Did you choose your name? I had always assumed you chose it because you enjoy sleeping but now that I think about it you don't seem like you would know what the REM sleep is, no offense. Is the feeling of finding a name similar to when you change your body? I started out with both a male head and body but when i tried out a female body with a male head I had a feeling of peace and I have not changed back since. Is it similar?

By the way I heeded your advice and I now officially have a friend who isnt you or my current human! We play board games together and I don't wish to brag but some of them are quite trendy and new. Like this one boardgame called "Sorry!" You might not recognize it. How the tables have turned Remy. Now im the modern one!

Now on the next page I have written a detailed review of the latest Betty Boop short film. I hope you enjoy it! It was very good!

My dear Remy

Just this once please burn this letter after you have read it. I fear what would happen if anyone in heaven read this but I have to admit that my human dying soon is bringing me a great sense of relief. Both that I will not have to see him anymore and that I hopefully get to live in another country.

Despite my human working in the human biology department I have not been able to take part in any science work. The only reason any of those humans would want me in a scientific setting would be to measure the width of my skull and every time I see my human he scowls at me and refuses to call me by my name, I am not even sure he is aware he has met me more than once or if he has only seen me as far as my skin.

I wish I could love every human equally. I know I should. I really am trying to love him and remind me why he belongs in Heaven. I am finding it hard. I don't think I would ever be able to tell this to anyone but you

Love, Your Angel

"-So anyway yeah i would totally go over and punch that cunt human for you if you wanted me to, or like seduce him so he'll go to hell. Prommy. Tho I doubt my lovely Angel would let me do that, would you now.

Oh by the way yeah with the name thing I chose Remy and it was I dunno I like how R sounds. RRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRemy! Like a motor starting. So I thought like a cute and soft and like tots fluffy name would fit you so here are my like new suggestions. Pip, Noah, uhhm Daisy, Iris, Lucie and Oh Rhiannon! The last one reminds me of this animal I've heard of. its a rhino. Like a unicorn kinda? You should go ask about it at a library. its like super cool! And also this other day I seduced this human and he had a tattoo! And he wasnt even a pirate! lemme tell you-"

1930

The angel relistened to the latest record as he went to bed. His friend's voice lulled him into a peaceful sleep most of the time, sometimes he got sinful dreams but he told himself he only got them because he was listening to a succubi.

During his early morning shower after having woken up from such a dream an idea floated into his mind on how to repay Remy for the records. First thing when the shops had opened he went out and bought a camera.

His human was going to die in two days in a traffic accident and he would finally get to leave this dreadful country, but as he walked through town with the camera in his bag and imagined what images to send to Remy the landscape suddenly seemed so beautiful. The cold weather suddenly seemed worth it if it meant snow fell onto trees and the disgusting food suddenly seemed a bit pleasant when he pictured the fisherman leaving on their boats for work.

Still he controlled himself and only took few a pictures...as well as several sketches of dogs he walked past, and told himself he would take more once he got to his new place.

"GIRL I DIDNT KNOW YOU WERE LIKE A PHOTOGRAPHER! No really it looks so fucking cool over there. What country are you in now did you say??"

The sounds of Remy scrambling through The angel's letters was heard before they quieted for a few seconds.

"It's on a continent I've never like been on I think ??? But I'm super happy for you! And uh there not being like a cinema there only means you gotta start your own! Nothings sexier than a business man y'knoooooow. So in other news Giiirl sit down if you aren't already 'cause I have got to update you on the demon drama that's been going on! You Remember Susan right!? That demon who-"

"My dear Remy

After having friends for a little time now i must admit i have gotten a bit confused. Though they are all my beloved friends i feel for none of them what i feel for you.

I suppose that means you are what people call....my best friend? :D

Love, Your best friend!

PS. I'll write another letter about the new Mickey Mouse cartoon (he's so cute I want a plushie) tomorrow and post the 2 together. This realization just made me so excited I had to write it down prompto!!"

The angel felt a bit shameful as he finished writing it and put it into the envelope. He wasn't quite as oblivious as he pretended to be. He knew the word for what he was feeling fully well, he simply refused to say it.

1938

After returning home from his beloved weekly boardgame club with his beloved human he was somehow even more delighted by finding a package for him at his door.

When he opened it two blurry pictures fell out. They showed Remy loosely dressed laying in the window of a large apartment with a lazy smile on their lips. Along with it a note reading "Seduced a photographer recently. Your still my fav photgrapher tho <3 sorry for the record"

The last bit made him eye the record checking for any hints of crude language or sinful lyrics as if staring at it would reveal it's contents. After some pacing and flying around his room he finally put it on and the first side was as always a mix of songs made just for him. It made fireflies flutter in his stomach as always and the fluttering only intesified from anticipation when he moved to turn the record to the other side.

The angel bit his lip waiting to hear his friend's voice but instead of the usual cheery greeting he heard the static of the audio recorder and the sound of a bottle being set down on a table.

"my audio guy left a bit ago cause I said I could fix it myself cause i like didnt want him to hhhhheeaarrrrrrrrRRRRARRGGHHHHH"

There was silence for a moment before a deep sigh.

"I got a new boyfriend. His name is Thomas and he's obv a succubi but uhm not in my squadron. And he's like sweet and lets me boss him around and stuff but I haven't told him that I've- I've had sex with my manager. Do you think I should? I mean like fucking humans is our job but the manager isn't a human. Like he's a demon. Is it cheating if I don't tell him. I mean it's not like I'm fucking the manager right now but I don't know if it will like happen again"

The angel's heart seized for a second at the mention of a boyfriend. It felt as if a hand had punched through his chest and gripped around the vessels of blood keeping him alive.

He forced himself to take a deep breathe and shook his head around to get the thought out of his head.

"I don't think I've like explained to you how uhh prudish succubi can be by certain shit. Like fucking a manager is a BIG no no. HUGE. And I haven't told anyone I've done it but my squadron members have noticed the times I stayed behind after the monthly meeting y'know? I get it's like annoying seeing someone get favoritism just 'cause they're ready to put out and like everyone loves talking gossip so I'm not mad that they've spread rumors 'bout me. I just worry Thomas' gonna hear..There's already been people who've stopped talking to me 'cause of it. and AGAIN i don't blame them! It's just fucking annoying not being able to explain!"

He leant his forehead against the base of the gramophone and wished he could somehow send telepathic hugs.

The record was silent for so long the angel began to think Remy had simply ended their message without saying goodbye until he heard a slight sob and he realized Remy had just moved away from the microphone to cry.

They moved back close to the microphone and he could heard them sucking snot back into their nose and taking a shakey breathe.

"I'm just sorry Angel. sorry I'm- I've been like drinking and I'm just like. I'm sorry i never came to visit you. I know I promised. I'm sorry. I want to see you so fucking bad Angel and you don't know how like guilty I feel for not seeing you but- but every time I spend any extra time on earth that isn't just seducing humans the manager just looks so sly and fucking- argh- if he gets the tiniest chance he'll claim I spent a SuSPIciOus amOUnT of time on earth and I'll have to do something for him and it like- Fuckkkk you're not gonna get this. I am fully aware I like do the same thing with my audio guy to get him to help me with stuff too so I don't like get to complain 'bout the manager situation but it feels different okay? Like with the audio guy I choose when I wanna do it and with the manager it's all in his hands and like yeah I can guess it will be after the monthly meeting but i never know if he's gonna ask me to stay behind or not and if he does I never know if he just feels like messing with my head or like pulls the SuSPiCIOUs aMount of time excuse and like he can send me up to heaven or take away my sight or whatever else so like what- What-"

It was quiet for another while before he heard Remy as quielty as they had every sounded mumble.

"I'm a succubus, He says I seduced him. And it's true when he got suspicious of me I was the one who suggested sex. I brought it on myself....- I'm sorry, record's running out. Don't feel guilty. I'll talk to you later Angel. Sorry. I love-"

The record ended and The angel was left sitting in his dark apartment with the only light being the steady flicker of pink coming from his halo. His hand shook a bit as he moved to put on the record again from the start. Hearing Remy cry made his heart ache but he wanted to hear it again so he was sure of what to write to make them feel better.

Remy held the latest letter close to their heart as they laid cooconed up under the blanket of their bunk bed in hell. They hid the letters and pictures that showed The angel's face inside their pillow while the rest of the pictures got taped up on the wall near them. On bad days they could stare at the pictures for hours dreaming themself away into the fields of corn or next to the flower holding up the ladybug or swimming in the cool stream ripe with tiny fish.

Some of the reviews of animated shorts they taped up as well since they could play it off as simply being human reviewers. But most of it was hidden in the pillow and before sleep they would hide under their blanket and take out a picture the angel had gotten one of his board game buddies to take off him and the demon would kiss the photo goodnight.

They traced their finger along the letters on the page snickering at the angel's best attempts at threatening the manager.

"Please don't come see me if it hurts you. I will care for you just as much if I never see you again as if I see you every day. Control is more powerful than tempatation ever can be, there is no scenario where this can ever be your fault, I swear to God on that. Stay safe for me please

Love, Your Angel

Ps. In another life I wish I could have been assigned to guard over you. I would protect you with a might stronger that Heaven could ever imagine"

"-Oh and so I don't forget to like say it I broke up with Thomas. It wasn't 'cause of the manager thing 'cause he's the type who only listens to rumors if I tell him bout them. It was for...Another reason. That we like don't have to bring up- Or I mean" They laughed nervously "I guess I can say it. I kiiinnndddaaa miiggghhht like someone else. I've liked them for a while but I was kinda hoping maybe dating someone else would make me like move past my crush but it didn't help and I didn't wanna hurt Thomas' feelings.

Ssssoooo yeah that's what going on. Talk to you later! Kiss! Love ya!

...And thanks for your last letter. I've like reread it a ton. I dunno what I would do without you in my life"

1941

"I GOT IT ANGEL! I RAN TO SUCK OFF MY AUDIO GUY TO TELL YOU SOOO FAST! I GOT IT! Your name! Okay okay here me out here 'cause I like used alllll of my brain for this one, explain that with your psychology! So here it goes...Emile! Eh? Eh? Any good? Lemme explain. I went to like a library- don't laugh- and looked this thingie up. You see the guy who like made the gramophone he was called Emile Berliner!! And I thought y'know since we've- or Like I have at least been communciating with you thru a gramophone and we danced together all the time when you were here- uh it just reminds me of you. or like honestly just hearing music does remind me of you but gramophones especially. So Emile? You like it?.....Okay I should probably tell you bout the rest of my life right now now but it feels awkard after dropping that huge suggestion-"

The angel paused the record and stayed looking at it for a few minutes. It was as he moved his hand up to scratch at his cheek that he realized they were red hot from blushing.

He parsed his lips and felt his chin shudder a little as he whispered "...Emile.......Emile?"

He tasted the word and smacked his lips before repeating it again. He let his hand run down his neck along his chest and down to his thigh, feeling the body he felt at home with and wondered if that body would accept the name Emile.

He made himself comfortable by his desk and wetted the ink.

'My dear Remy

I think I quite like the name. I think I want to hear you say it

Love, Your Emile'

Emile's heart was pounding out of his chest and he repeatedly checked so no one was looking at him as he sneaked inbetween the library shelfs pertaining to the human body. He couldn't let anyone know he had read them so instead of borrowing the books he only eyed through them as quick as he could. He had already gone through the books on religion he could find.

For something the higher ups deemed so seemingly important he assumed there would a clear definition of it but no matter where he looked he couldn't find any clear boundaries of what did and didn't count as masturbating.

Once he got home he dragged a chair followed by the gramophone into the bathroom and put on a recent record where Remy had said his name several times. He knew when the part where they said it came and took off his clothes and jumped in the shower while waiting.

When the record came to that point and Remy half jokingly sung a popular new jazz song but replaced the name with Emile over and over to get used to using the name The angel 'accidentally' put the shower head inbetween his thighs.

Sleeping made Emile feel connected to Remy. He would lull himself into a peaceful sleep by either letting the music the demon sent him or their voice play. Usually he woke up because of the sun shining in or the birds singing and he would stay with his eyes asleep for a few minutes and pretend like Remy was laying on the pillow beside him.

Other times he would wake up drenched with sweat on his forehead because of sinful dreams, along with being drenched among other places.

And one night he closed the blinds and waited until the deep dark of the night before putting on one of their records on and hiding away under two layers of blankets to try and shield himself from any watching eyes from above. He had steeled himself to do as the books he had read said and self pleasure but once he actually sat there with pants unbuttoned his hands shook so hard from anxiety he couldn't do a thing.

He sat frustrated with himself with the gramophone playing until pathetic tears had filled his eyes and his stomach felt sick from shame. The action of vomiting was so alien to him he didn't realize what was happening until his mouth was filled with bile and he had to run to the toilet to throw up.

Vomiting must have been a sign from above that he had done something awful to which Emile banged his halo into the wall until the pain in his head was so severe it felt like his skull would crack.

The most sinful part of all was that after all of that that same night he still wetted his pen with ink and wrote to the demon.

"My dear Remy

You stir my sleep. I would blame it on your succubi powers somehow making it's way over to me through your voice, though we both know that is not true. I wake up dreaming you are there beside me and I fall asleep wanting your hands on me. If your hips were Hell I would give it all up to meet you there.

I wish this was a sudden bout of insanity but it is in reality a slow growth in my brain that I have not spoken to you about for years. This letter is one of penance. I'm sorry. Every time I've heard you had a new boyfriend I wished to make away with him. Even in the beginning I had those thoughts.

I don't know whether me lusting for you is worse than the other L word I fear I feel for you but I think it is telling I can not get myself to write the second.

I'm sorry for placing this burden of confession on you. Even after this I wish to have you keep stirring me in my sleep.

Love, Your Emile"

1942

Emile didn't get a response. The new year's passed and his mailbox turned dusty.

His human fell ill and would pass by the summer. He grieved together with the family in advance and grieved for the loss of his friendship.

It must have been his fault. What he had written had been too much for Remy.

He kept havings moments where in the deep dark of the night he would become unable to breathe and sob uncontrollable until he threw up. It must be Heaven punishing him. He stopped sleeping and devoted himself to prayer during the night. What use was sleeping if it didn't make him closer to Remy anyway.

The rainy season came and went and only made his human sicker. The newspapers were all filled with misery and all of his shoes were damp.

On an early morning he walked into town to buy a new pair and watched the sunset rise above the grassy plains. He had his camera in his backpack, he could take a picture of it, but he saw no reason to. The colors seemed dull and muddled.

The stores had just started opening when he got to the city center and he halfheartedly waved to one of his boardgame friends.

Through the window to the shoe shop he saw the shoemaker already talking to another customer so he waited outside for another few seconds. The customer held the door open for him as they left but Emile let the door shut in front of him. A chill ran up his spine as he felt the slight smell of a demon nearby.

He spun around wide eyed, even glancing up at the sky hoping to see a glimpse of demon wings.

Behind him he heard someone speaking in broken swahili, clearly reading straight from a dictionary. "You- You know city center is?" He heard them ask.

Emile turned to see Remy speaking to a random local. For a moment it was as if the entire town sunk away into oblivion and the angel could only see them. His wings expanded and were ready to take off towards them, he only managed to stop himself because of the humans nearby.

"REMY!! REMY!" He yelled while waving his arms around.

The demon looked away from the human and dropped their dictionary on the ground to run up to him. Emile instantly pulled them into a tight hug and rocked side to side. He put his hand against the back of their head to keep them close and closed his eyes to stop himself from crying of joy.

He felt their arms press against his back and their warm breathe against his neck.

"I found you" Remy whispered "I Found you"

Emile moved back from the hug but let his hands stay on their shoulders "Why didn't you respond!?" His cheeks reddened "DID YOU GET MY LETTER?"

"Your apartment got destroyed-"

"Huh?!"

"The whole city got like bombed. Ugh girl you don't wanna see Europe right now, it's a mess! Your apartment and like mail got destroyed with it- Don't worry I keep your letters in Hell so they didn't get destroyed. I just like had your adress to go off on so I've been like asking around the country till I found you!" Remy leaned in and cupped his cheeks while eyeing him up and down "And giiiirrrrl you're like two shades darker!"

"Well it helps to finally live in a country that isn't despressingly dire with the weather. Your hair has gotten so long!" He ran his finger through it "You look so pr- So proper!"

"You look ssooooo good too! OH! I've been ssssuper looking forward to this" They cleared their throat and fluttered their eyelashes while leaning close to The angel's ear and murmuring "Heeey Emile!"

Emile could feel his heart plummeting through his stomach and out his ass while his entire face went red. His fingers dug down into Remy's shoulders to keep himself upright.

"HiiiIIIiiiI" His voice broke in two different spots.

Remy just laughed before smiling in that way that made Emile melt even more.

"Did- Did you get my latest letter? About my- my uhm sleep problems?"

"Pfff? Sleep problems....Uhm...Lemme think. No. No. Your like mailbox musta been destroyed before I could get it. Sad" Remy lied "But I'm here now! And I won't let you go!"

"You're staying?"

"Wow girl your eyes just went up like two sizes but yeah. Mind if I stay ov-"

"FEEL FREE! Nyumba yangu ni nyumba yako- That's uh My house is your house. ORRRRR in your langauge m̶̨̹̖̱͖͒̑ͅỹ̴̥̤͍̑̀ ̸̨̛̟͂͗̅͐̉ḧ̴̹́̐́̂̕͝ő̶̞̎͛͋̀̚u̷̢̲̗͍̜̬̾̊̓̽s̶̹͇̣̬͓̊̿̀̕̕ͅe̵̢̛̥̼͕͍͍͆͋͛̀̐̓ ̴̯̦͈͒̓̑̿̾ì̷̘̝̲̅̎̀̈s̶̝̟̠͈̉̂ ̶̢̘̤̻͇̍̄͌̌̔̌͐ÿ̸̨́ͅơ̶̫̿̑͐ǔ̵̥̳̜͌̽̽̌͌ř̷̳̘̈́̊͌͊̄ ̷̢̩̗͓̦͗͆̊̄̀̊͘h̸̝̗͖͇͛̉͊͊o̸͚͍͛̑̌ͅů̵̼̝͚̜͗̐̚ś̷̼̙̻́͋̎̄͝e̵̮̒̀̑͌͂"

Remy shimmied their shoulders "OOOh girl hearing you speak like that totally gave me shills all over"

It was only later that evening once Remy was in the shower and Emile had a moment for the pink clouds of joy to disparse and think critically that he remembered why the demon hadn't visited in so long. He sat on the edge of his bed and listened to the water pooling down into the shower drain and tried not to imagine the shampoo he had bought being used by the demon.

He flinched when Remy walked out in one of his shirts that fit so loosely on them it could work as a nightgown if they weren't so tall.

"It smells like angel" They commented while sitting down next to him.

"What about the manager?"

"You ever heard of living in the moment Emile. Emile. Emile. Emile. Sawry girl I'm just like so excited I get to like call you that to your cute face"

The angel pressed on "Are you going to get hurt if you stay here?"

"I mean....I've like already spent enough time on earth he's gonna be pissed at me no matter so I might as well stay with you as long as I can. Okay?"

They placed their hand against his knee and Emile nodded.

"Okay"

"Good. now girlie" They laid back and made themself comfortable on the bed before patting the spot next to them "Tell me bout the new psychology theories or like mickey the mouse or whatever. Just talk! I've missed your voice ssssoooo fucking much! Just talk and talk. I won't sleep for a single second when I'm with you I prommy"

Emile laid down beside them to which they immediately moved to rest their head against his chest while letting their finger draw circles on his stomach while he told them about Snow white for the seventh time.

For a blissful month they spent nearly every moment together. Emile showed them how to use a camera to take pictures of his favorite bugs. They went swimming together on a warm afternoon and he let his wings dry in the sun. Remy teached him the newest dance moves and they danced until their legs were sore.

A few times Remy went out to feed and Emile assured him he was fine with the demon taking their humans home to him in case they didn't have anywhere else to go, but Remy just looked at him like he'd told him to throw chicken shit at him before disappearing for a few hours.

The night before his human would die he promised to come back and get Remy as soon as he knew where his new human lived. Luckily his new human lived on the same continent, only a few countries away. They flew together the whole distance.

"My monthly meeting was yesterday" Remy suddenly spat out, in the middle of a quiet moment of them painting their nails and Emile mending one of his cardigans.

"But we went sightseeing all day yesterday?? Can you clone yourself!?"

"Naaah. I just skipped"

"Skipped?"

"Girl. Are you losing your hearing"

"It's a meeting with your higher up you don't simply skip those!!"

Remy shrugged "He would have been mad anyway. I didn't wanna deal with it-"

"WHAT- WHAT IF-" He took a deep breathe before whispering as if simply speaking it would make it happen "What if he punishes you in those horrible ways you've told me about!?"

"...That..That won't happen"

Their voice wavered in that way a person lying to shield their loved one did.

"Promise me you'll go to the meeting next month. You can say that you ate a bad piece of human food and got sick"

Remy twisted their pinky finger around his "I promise"

They got to spend another blissful month together with the threat of the manager always lingering somewhere in the back of both of their minds. Until the day of the meeting came and Remy scrubbed their body in the shower for over an hour to get the smell of angel away from them.

Before they had gotten in the shower Emile had made sure to hug them long and hard.

He stood in the gavel of the door and waved them off as they went up to hell and for two hours afterwards he sat still waiting on the poarch. He was so anxious he felt ill to his stomach and he was unable to move aside from flinching at every sound that could be the demon coming back.

"Emile!! Emy! EmEm!" Remy yelled as they stumbled back home to him with the same excitment in their voice as the first they had called him Emile.

"Remy!" His legs stale and cramped from sitting still for so long creaked as he ran up to them and cupped their face in his hands.

One of their eyes was nearly shut from how swollen it was and what could be seen of their eyewhite had turned bloodshot. Dried blood trailed from their nose down to their chin, but worst of all the ring finger on their hand was completely limp and swelling.

"DID HE BREAK YOUR FINGER? WHERE IS HE!? I WILL HAVE A SERIOUS TALK WITH HIM" His wings spread out and started to flutter up a storm.

"He sensed like some faint angel smell on me and questioned me for like foreveeeeer" Their voice was slightly loopy "I didn't let anything slip!"

Emile brushed their hair behind their ear and met their eyes "You have to stop putting yourself in danger for my sake"

"Then you have to stop being so sweet"

"Urrggh! You can be so frustrating when you want to be!"

The angel helped them to the bathroom and sat them down on the floor before wettening a towel to wash their bruised face. He held their shaking hand while wrapping the broken finger in bandages.

"Look at you Dr. Doctor" Remy teased.

"He's clearly not even good at breaking bones" Emile muttered back "The bone did not break cleanly so I have to guess this was his first time"

Remy sighed "You're so hot right now"

"What?"

"W-What?"

The angel looked back down at the bandages and didn't notice Remy looking at him with a soft look of fondness.

"He only beat me to try and like make me talk. Nothing more. We didn't fuck"

"He hurt you Remy, that's all that matters"

"I just wanted you to know we didn't....." They shifted their feat and fiddled with the edge of their shirt "Emi I lied"

He looked up and gazed at them with those big golden eyes "About what?"

"....I did get your letter. I got to it before your apartment got all blown up"

Emile let go of their hand and felt a cold sensation sink down his throat "And- And you've read it?"

"Yeah"

"I- I'm sorry-"

Remy leant forward and put their unbroken hand against the back of the angel's neck so their faces were close together "You stir my sleep as well"

He let out an unintelligible noise of surprise and without realizing tears of relief brimmed at his eyes.

"Ever since I like first saw you sitting watching that goddamn autopsy I've been like toootally crazy for you"

Emile's mouth turned agape as his hands searched around against the demon until he grabbed ahold of the collar of their shirt and stuttered out "I- I want you. I've had sin-sinful thoughts of you"

Remy smiled "How often?"

"All-" He felt their lips graze against their shoulder and squeaked "All the time"

"Is this okay?" They asked and waited for him to nod before pressing another kiss to his shoulder.

His cheeks were red hot "Are you- Can you feed off of me?"

"Oh Emile you taste fucking amazing" Their expression faltered for a second and they blinked rapidly as if they had caught themself on the edge of a mistake "We can't do this-"

"I want you"

"Well....Well" Remy sputtered "Well like I guess it's like forbidden of us to like make love but like it's not forbidden if like one of us uhhh self pleasures while the other just happens to be here"

"Sounds logical to me!"

Neither of them were thinking right now, much less thinking logically.

Remy moved to sit just behind Emile and murmured into his ear once more asking if he was okay with this before putting their hands over his eyes when he said yes.

"Pretend I'm not even here" They whispered.

He could hear himself breathing, that's how quiet it was. When his sight disappeared every other sensation became all the more strong. His eyelashes fluttered against Remy's palms and all he wanted was to lean back against their chest.

Instead he focused on feeling their breathe against the back of his head as he let his shirt slip off his shoulders. He heard the demon's breathe hitch slightly and he moved his hands to try unbottun his pants but without sight it was impossible. He felt one of Remy's hands move down to unbutton it for him.

His hand was just about to travel down past the lining of his underwear when Remy suddenly moved their hands away and stood back up.

Their hands were trembling as they moved up to touch the soon to be black eye "No. No. We can't do this"

"But I want-"

"NO YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!" Remy yelled and Emile stayed sitting on the floor with his pants at his ankles "I- I'm the succubus here! I know that lust does like crazy things to people's minds. You might like think right now you wanna give everything up for me but once you've come you'll realize your mistake and-"

"No one will find out" He said meekly.

"YES THEY WILL! THEY WILL! I can't let you do this! If anyone- If anyone finds out about us I'll like take the blame. I'll say I seduced you. 'Cause I did!"

"No you didn't"

"You don't know what you're saying right now!"

Emile dragged his pants back up and stood up so he could hold his hands on their shoulders "Please Remy, let me fall for you!-"

"You're just horny Em! it will pass"

"You don't get to tell me what I feel! I've spent just as many years as you thinking of what it is I feel for you!"

"Yeah well you've never been with anyone! What if you go fuck someone else and you realize what you're feeling for me is just lust in general! Or that they're better than me or-"

Emile pulled in their horn to make them shut up "But I love you! I! Love! You! And I'm tired of only you getting hurt to protect us. Please!Let me fall for you!"

"....You don't know what hell is like. You don't know what any of that shit is like"

"I'm a guardian angel!! I've been surronded by death all of my life! Hell doesn't scare me! If hell is where you came from it can't be completely bad"

Remy straightened their back to reach their full height making them tower over the angel. Their open eye had a tear just on the verge of slipping down to their cheek as they said through gritted teeth "I'm the succubi with experience 'bout this shit. It's my responsibility to make sure you don't make stupid decissions 'bout shit you have no idea about"

"We're both grown adults. You-"

"You're just an innocent aaaangel. You don't know nothing of like death. Nothing of sin. And certaintly nothing about actual lust. Your brain is just filled with fluffy bunnies and cotton candy and-"

Emile held his finger up to their lips "No. No. I have certaintly read enough psychology papers to know exactly what you are doing. You are just trying to push my buttons to push me away, and I won't let you" He moved his finger away but Remy stayed silent "Now, I will go sit in the other room and you can go join me once you've calmed down so we can have an actual conversation about this"

He went to the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed and waited. He could hear the demon pace back and forth with their tail thumping into the walls until they finally dragged themself into the bedroom with their tail between their legs.

They sat down just behind him and dropped their forehead to rest in the damp space between his shoulder blades while moving their arms around his waist.

"Emi I'm sorryyyyy. I didn't like mean any of that"

"I know"

The angel suddenly grabbed the tip of his tail and twirled the end nervously arround his finger. He was afraid they would disappear if he let go.

"Em even if you're like ready to fall for me I don't think I'm like- like ready to see you get hurt like that. I don't think you should. I'm not like worth it like at all"

"You never said it back" Emile mumbled.

Remy looked up to "What?"

"I love you. You never said it back"

"Emile of course I fucking love you! I love you! I just-" Their hand reached out to touch him but wavered mid air and their fingers twitched "I just don't think we can like see each other 'cause I like- I don't know how to be like near you without sinning if I know you- you want me right back"

"Do you want me to be honest?"

"Sure"

"I think you're being selfish" He took Remy's hand in his and pressed a kiss to their knuckles "But I understand that you have been hurt and you don't want to see me be hurt. I will wait until you're ready to let me fall-"

"Emi I'm not gonna let you fall. You don't belong in like hell"

"I told you. I will wait for you. We live long. one day you Will let me fall"

1955

His human died and Emile moved to another damp and cold country. He knew Heaven wasn't watching or else they would have stopped the things he saw from happening.

He knew there were good humans but making sure his singular humam didn't sin began to seem pointless when he read about a dead 14 year old in the newspapers next to the photograph of his open casket.

At no time did he stop keeping watch of his human but silently he stopped putting as much effort into it. Sometimes he would be away for weeks at a time as he had to travel to find psychological instititues that would allow him to study.

1957

After a lot of bugging Emile had finally went and bought a record player just in time to get his first vinyl sent by Remy where they ranted and raved by this new up and coming star called Marilyn Monroe as well as telling him about the new binders they had bought to sort his photographs in.

He waited to hear them say I love you but they never did.

1959

Emile went and saw Sleeping Beauty 10 times in the cinema and every time he choked up at the moment the prince finally kissed her. He imagined himself as Aurora, laying in waiting for the one he loved to finally reach him.

Remy only dared to see him briefly in person once or twice per year and he understood in a way, he knew that the broken finger wasn't the only fracture they had gotten during interogations, but he still couldn't help but fell saddened about it.

1964

With the invention of the casette Emile could for the first time record messages back to Remy. He quickly got a habit of talking for so long that he had to mail multiple casettes at once, he couldn't help it there was just so much to tell them with how he had started to discover animated movies made in the soviet union and in japan. He had even seen some in south america. As well as the psychology field focusing increasingly on cognitive theories.

He had heard whiffs of psychologists experimenting with how the brain reacted to the new drugs gaining populatiry though Emile didn't need to read up on any of those studies since he got sent cassetes of Remy blubbering on about how much they adored them while high on lsd.

"Giirrrlll you're like so beautifufll especially your new elephant trunk. It's like soo sexy. Really like adds to your like halo glow and stuff" They would sludder on and on.

1965

The next year when his human died and his next human spat in his face at their first meeting Emile cried to his casette player for an hour trying to convince himself his human was somehow a morally good person.

It finally convinced the last part of him that still believed that Heaven was watching that they could not be, not on him at least.

The next time he got a casette from Remy he reslistened to their voice over and over. They had recorded it early in the morning right after waking up and he could tell because their voice sounded more rough. He played his favorite part back on repeat before putting the casette recorder on and he recorded the sound as he masturbated for the first time.

When no hellish rain came down from Heaven Emile put the casette in a package and wrote a note along with it explaining what was on it while joking about how it was payback for when Remy kept telling him about the leather fetish clubs they had visited during the 50s. Though really the note was just there so he was sure Remy could consent to hearing it. At the back of the note he added that he had sinned and nothing bad had happened so please couldn't they meet up again and hold hands at least.

Remy's response was absolutely blissfull. They ranted and raved and told him how proud they were of him for not letting Heaven's purity shame shackle him. They spent at least 15 minutes giving him advice on how to make it more pleasurable and where to buy lube among other things discreetly.

At the end of their message with a sudden shift in tone they muttered out

"But like a singular angel rubbing one out ain't shit. What we're doing is treason. If we kiss or whatever they will know. The manager knows somethings up if I'm just near you. We- We can't. I lo-...... I'll talk to you soon Emile"

1974

Another message clearly recorded after Remy had smoked themself high.

"Okay this is gonna sound stupid as shit but some succubi asked me out and I said yeeeesss and I got through like 3 dates before I had to call it quits 'cause I was just thinking of you Emi. I like knew from the start I would only be like thinking of you so it was shitty of me I knoooow. Emile you want me to be honest? 'Cause like to be honest my life is shit right now and- and I'm like finding it harder to remember what am I like even trying to protect by not being with you!? I just feel so paranoid all the fucking time if I'm not listening to your voice"

1975

During a casette where Remy had just been telling him about the cities they had recently visited they suddenly started to sob uncontrollably for no reason that they explained and it pained him that he couldn't physically comfort them, he couldn't even directly respond to them.

1976

Remy didn't show up to the meeting that the two of them had planned. Emile was left waiting at the resturant for 2 hours before the waitress had to ask him to leave.

1977

Emile let out a breathe of relief when he finally got a letter from Remy. It seemed strange that they hadn't sent a casette with it, not even an album of music they thought he would like. When he opened the letter a ticket fell out along with a short note.

'I got us tickets for Fleetwood mac. Amsterdam. 16 April.

I have to see you'

The entire flight to Amsterdam as Emile soared through the sky and ducked past birds he let his anger storm up inside of him while imagining the verbal lashing he would give Remy about leaving him dry for nearly a year. They better had a good excuse like another world war.

But the moment he saw them waiting on the street by the hotel they had booked for them all of that anger dispersed like a cloud after rain. All he could think was how long their legs looked in the jeans they were wearing and how well their sunglasses matched their horns. And their lips. Their kissable beautiful lips.

They waved their tail at him so he would notice them but he thought it would be impossible for him to not notice them.

He flew directly into an embrace that lifted the demon from the ground and he could feel them stroking their tail up and down his back.

"Emmiiiiiiiii!" They squealed.

He sat them down on the ground but his wings kept flapping so hard he had to circle around them which made the wind blow up around them.

Remy reached out and held his face in their hands to stop him "I'm sorry I disappeared I just like couldn't see you if I couldn't kiss you"

Emile's breathe hitched and all at once his wings stopped and he fell back down to the ground. Remy caught him so he didn't tumble.

"But you're seeing me now" Emile whispered.

"I know"

"Will you let me fall for you? Being a guardian angel already makes it so I have to say goodbye to all my friends every few years and I have no connection to Heaven! All combined I think I have spent less than 2 hours up there my entire life!" All of the desperate reasons he had come up with to try and convince them spilled out "You're the only true connection I have! Please!"

"...Let's...Let's go to the concert first. Sounds good girlie?"

"Sure"

He noticed the way they fidgeted and kept glancing at him when they got closer to the concert hall. He realized they were checking if he was going to panic about it being sinful and in turn it made him realize that he hadn't even considered the possibility that heaven would notice in any way if he went.

As they danced among the crowd Remy held his hands and kept holding them even inbetween the songs. The sounds of the music engulfed them both

Can you hear me calling

Out your name?

You know that I'm falling

And I don't know what to say

Oh, I

I want to be with you everywhere

Oh, I

I want to be with you everywhere

Oh, I

I want to be with you everywhere

The hotel room was dark once they got to it and Remy rushed to light some candles they had brought. They smelled of peaches and mango, Emile's favorite fruits. He chuckled as he watched them scurry around while he took off his jacket.

"Did you plan this?" He asked with a smile.

"You don't think the uh prince or whatever in Snow white toooottaly planned their romantic moment beforehand"

"Dear I regret to tell you the whole thing is kind of that their romantic moment wasn't planned"

"Well shit. Imagine I like used a good metaphor then"

Remy patted the bed down to make sure it was nice while closing the drapes with their tail. They left space for Emile to sit down beside them and he felt their tail immediately move to circle around his waist so he spread his wing across their back.

He playfully checked their face while saying "I'm just checking for any headinjuries since it's so unlike you to dare be around me for this long"

"Emi" They lightly grabbed his wrist "You know I'm IN love with you. I don't just love you, right?"

"Of course I know, You've told me in everything you do"

"Right right and I do and I just- I realized recently we've known each other for like over 50 years right??-"

"I think we're past 60 years actually"

"And that's longer than like most human relationships ever get to be! and we've spent all that time just circling around each other and I kept like questioning what the fuck I was even trying to protect anymore by not seeing you! Like the manager is gonna get pissed at me no matter what I do 'cause he's been a pissbaby at me ever since I like stopped fucking him! And it's not like I'm protecting you 'casue you don't wanna be protected! And I'm not risking losing friendships 'cause most of them dropped me when I started fucking the manager so I dunno. I just. I just..." Remy pressed a kiss to his knuckles "I wanna be with you y'know?"

Emile let out a breathe of relief "Honey I think I've waited decades for you to say that"

"But you gotta remember what will happen if anyone finds out. Okay? Like no more heaven, no more looking over humans. You will like be stuck with me. I don't- I've never seen a angel fall before- I don't know what happens to them- I don't think they die- But I dont know what"

"Most of that sounds positive to me. Well aside from the dying of course. Have you thought about what will happen to you?"

"Yeah...Yeah I will probably be punished....So. So if it's okay with you I think we should run away. Like if I don't return to Hell they can't get me you get me? We can just get like a nice place on earth and like chill out together"

"That sounds lovely" Emile inched a bit closer and held his hand against their cheek "...Can I...Can we kiss?"

He had daydreamed about this moment for so long his whole body stood tensed now that it was actually going to happen. He looked with all his hope into Remy's eyes and it felt as if a whole army of fireworks went off all at once inside him when he heard them murmur.

"Sure we can. I would give up everything for you Emi"

"I would give anything to be with you as well"

Remy guided him with their hand against the back of his head and the other against his back as they leant in and kissed him softly on the lips.

He let out a high pitched squeak that made them laugh and kiss him right on the tip of his nose.

"Can we do that again?"

In response Remy tilted their head and pressed their lips against his harder this time, so he nearly felt lightheaded from it, and let him fumble for where on their body to put his hands. He settled on their hips and they let their tongue run against the inside of his lip. He closed his eyes and leaned further in until they were practically chest to chest.

"Did that feel good?"

Emile laughed so his nose scrunched while running his fingers through Remy's hair "Yes. You've alreayd asked me once"

"Well I just like want your first time to be totally completely good" They laid with their head against his chest, right between his boobs "You got some great inbuilt pillows y'know"

He lightly tapped at their forehead "Don't fall asleep now!"

"Oh right I forgot you got the stamnia of like decades of pent up horniness"

"Is that oka-"

"Babe I can do this for like 12 hours if that's what you want. I can probably push it to 18 hours just for you!"

They moved to press kisses against his breast while letting their fingers explore the crevices between the folds of fat around his gorgeous waist. They felt the slights bumps from stretch marks and freckles. They felt a tug in the end of their tail and looked to Emile to see him pointing at his lips so they leant up and kissed him.

"I want to suck you off" Emile mumbled against their lips, his eyes gazing up to meet theirs "I read about it in a book"

"Do you like actually know how it works or do you want me to like explain?"

"I wanna try for myself"

Remy kissed them again "Sure babe"

Emile jokingly clinged to them when Remy tried to get up from the properly sweaty bed "Hydration is like the cornerstone of sex babe"

"So is cuddles I theorize" He replied while slowly letting go of them, he stayed in the bed with the blanket bundled up around his feet and enjoyed watching them walk towards the kitchen butt naked.

"That is sooo true babe! This is why you're the like scientist of us two" They picked up the two cups the hotel left on the desk by the bed and went to fill them up in the bathroom.

By the time they had stepped a foot through what they thought was the door to the bathroom it was already too late to turn back.

The door had opened to Hell.

Disoriented and swearing they didn't open it to Hell they swung around to try and look back to the hotel room but the door had already closed behind them.

The stark white walls of Hell's halls blinded them making the cups fall and shatter on the ground around their feet.

Strong arms moved around their shoulders and held them stuck in place. All they could do was crane their neck back to see The Manager looking down at them.

With four of his arms around them and the other two on his hips he towered over them, staring with his blood orange eyes.

"How nice to see you in your work uniform" He said drily and when Remy immediately tensed up he snickered "Oh come on. I've seen you naked before"

"I was in the middle of working" They lied.

"No you weren't"

"I was-"

"Don't make it worse by bullshitting!"

The doors to the meeting hall opened and a slew of other more powerful demons walked in, some with four arms, others with six like The Manager, even one lagging behind with only three. The door closed behind them and they stayed standing along a line as if waiting for something, none of them seemed interested in Remy.

The Manager leaned down so his short beard scratched against the side of Remy's face and they shuddered "I've had my eyes on you but no evidence. I've just been waiting and waiting for you to do something with an Angel that would be such a fuck up there would be no way for you to hide it. And a demon and angel fucking isn't exactly something that goes unnoticed now does it"

"I seduced him!"

"I don't care who seduced who! And Heaven doesn't either! It's very black and white Remy! Either you had sex with an Angel or you didn't! And you did! Your Angel will be here any second now I think"

It was at that moment Remy began to trash around and kick their feet to try and get away from the manager "I SEDUCED HIM!" They cried out again.

A bright light lit up in a ring on the ceiling creating a hole to Heaven and for a few brief seconds it simply shone before a single body fell through and landed with a harsh thud on the marble floor.

It was Emile still half wrapped up in the bed cover with his halo glowing a shallow pink. He blinked rapidly while looking around trying to make sense of where he was while his wings spread out and got ready to fly.

His eyes turned wide as they landed on Remy while his body tensed up "REMY!"

"EMILE! It's okay! I'm here!"

"Aw you've given the angel a name. That's cute. Like a giving a nickname to a puppy" The manager commented.

The former Angel's wings started to flap when he saw the way the manager was holding his Remy.

His body had just began to lift off the ground when the other demons in the room all bombarded him at once. They pushed him back down to the ground and pressed him stomach down against the floor, some keeping their feet on his wrists while another held his face down.

Remy could see his eyes still looking to them and they tried to desperately kick the back of their head into the Manager's head to make him let go but nothing budged.

"EMI! EMI!" They kept screaming because they couldn't do anything else.

In sheer terror they looked as one of the demons grabbed a steady hold around one of Emile's wings and began to pull, and he didn't stop pulling. Another demon joined in. And another. And they all pulled and dragged and twisted until they could hear the bone pop and break.

Emile let out a cry as the wing went limp against his back. The other wing kept trying to fend the demons off but they did the same to it.

But they didn't stop. They grabbed ahold of the first wing again and pulled harder this time until the skin that connected the wing to Emile's back started to tear apart and blood and muscle reaveled itself.

"STOP! STOP! HE HASN'T DONE ANYTHING! I SWEAR! I FORCED HIM! I FORCED HIM!"

Emile sucked in a big shaky breathe and shut his eyes tight for a second before trying to look at Remy again, though his eyes were so blurry from tears it was hard to make anything out.

"I don't regret anything" His voice was thick from crying "I love you Remy"

"I love you too!"

"That's enough of that" The manager covered Remy's mouth with one of his free hands and made them watch as Emile's wing was pulled from his back.

One of the demons brought a hammer and another laid the limp wing on the ground. With one big swing the last connection between the wing and Emile's back was severed and the wing was left laying on the ground. It twitched for a few more seconds before going completely still.

They did the exact same for the other wing. All as Emile screamed and screamed until his voice turned hoarse and then he sobbed.

"You hear that? Listen closely" The Manager murmured into Remy's ear "Cause it's the last thing you're gonna hear"

The manager forced Remy down onto their knees and pressed his hand against their forehead. Not once did they let their eyes leave Emile. Not even when The Manager said those three words.

"Hear No Evil!"

The screaming instantly stopped. The crying too. The footsteps, the sound of bones cracking and blood dripping. Even the sound of their own breathing disappeared.

Followed by a wave of such pain Remy buckled over on the ground and writhed with their hands against their ears. The Manager no longer had to hold them down because they were unable to do anything anyway.

Remy's sight went in and out of being blurry and spotted in black but still they forced their head up to look to Emile.

It was so eerily silent as they watched the demon with the hammer drag it towards Emile's head at the same time as they other demons held his face down towards the ground.

The demon lined the hammer up towards the soft pink halo and shattered it.

Bits of the halo flew out and landed on the ground just like the shards of glass. They could see his mouth open in a cry but didn't hear it.

The demons checked so the halo was properly broken before one after another they began to trail away and leave the room.

Remy felt a kick in their side and turned to look up at The Manager giving them one last look before he too left the room and closed the door behind him.

The pain was still ringing through Remy's skull but they fought through it and dragged themself across the floor towards their Angel. Emile laid so still it scared them until they got closer and could see his chest heaving up and down.

"Emile" They whispered.

His lips parsed but no words came.

"Emi answer me, tell me you're like alright. Emi"

His mouth moved again and Remy got a creeping sense of dread of what had been done to them.

"Emi can you move? Like shake or nod your head"

He reached out a shaking hand and Remy gently took it. They kissed his palm and caressed his face.

He pointed to the bed cover that had been left on the floor and they laid it around him, enveloping in the warm fabric. Of course he wasn't nearly as used to others seeing him naked than they were. The blood from his back quickly colored it red.

Emile squeezed their hand and said something "Emi I can't hear you. I can't hear anything"

He slowed down his words and tried to mouth it syllable by syllable.

"...B...Blo..Blood loss. Blood loss" Remy repeated while watching him "..N...Nee...Need med...Medicine. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Makes sense. Like- Like needle and thread shit?"

He nodded weakly.

"Okay. Okay. I'm like. I don't like us staying here 'cause like I dunno when or if like the manager is gonna come back or some other fuck so I'm like gonna have to move you. Okay Emi?"

Another nod.

"Okay. Like pinch me or something if it hurts too much or I gotta slow down or something- Shit do you want me to take your wings with you or- or-" He shook his head "Yeah no saving them you think? Okay. Okay"

They pulled their arms around Emile and hosted him up on his weak feet, his entire body leant against them as they took the first shaky steps towards the door with the bed cover dragging behind them.

"I know a place. Don't worry. Don't worry"

Not being able to hear their own voice scared them, they had no idea if they were shouting or whispering.

They pulled open the door and glanced around for any sight of the Manager but aside from a few succubi walking down the long hallways they couldn't see anyone.

Emile's eyes flickered half open and his head lolled forward. Remy took a big breathe and used all of their strenght to pick him up and carried him in their arms to the closest shower room.

Luckily it was one of the shower rooms which still had a functioning lock. They set Emile down on the steps that reached down into the shallow pool of water so that it reached up to his ankles.

When the bed cover was laid aside Remy could see the two big gaping wounds that had been created where Emile's wings used to be.

The blood had clotted around the edge of the skin and in the middle the wounds looked more white than red as bits of muscle and flesh showed. Remy felt sick to their stomach. The smell of iron hit them and their hands began to shake.

"Emi- Emi you have to tell me what to do. You're like the super smart doctor guy out of us- I don't- I don't know wha- You needed needle and thread right? Right. I'll be back"

On the way out of the room they caught a glimpse of themself in the mirror and felt their body freeze for just a second as they saw that their hair had turned pure white.

When they returned with a needle and thread Emile had sunk himself a bit further down into the pool so that his wounds ever so slightly grazed the water and turned it into a shade of light red that nearly matched his halo-

His halo. His halo looked like a pair of horns now.

Without the pieces connecting his halo in the middle all that was left was two faintly glowing pink cylinders sticking up from either side of his head that ended in jagged parts of what was left sticking out like horns.

"Hey Emi, I'm back" They said as they sat down on the step next to him "Can you- Please tell me you can somehow do it yourself. Like if I move the mirror or something you can maybe- Maybe see where yo're like supposed to sew or-"

Emile shook his head and put his hand against Remy's knee while meeting their eyes.

".....You have to tell me how. I- I- can't do-"

The former angel took the needle and thread in his unsteady hands and repeatedly motioned for how they had to sew before handing it back to them and with a pained expression leaned forward so they had easier acces to the wounds.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry" Remy pressed a kiss to the nape of his neck "I'm sorry"

They pressed the needle against their lover's skin and pushed it through. They could see Emile's body tense up and sweat harder and if they had dared to look at his face they would have seen him crying, but they knew they couldn't stop.

They pulled the thread through the hole in the skin and continued.

Remy had managed to find the two of them a change of clothes and even found a soft and loose cardigan that wouldn't rub too much against the newly closed wounds on their lover's back. With his body leant against theirs they dragged him towards the sleeping quarters where they along with several other squadrons of succubi slept.

When they got there the information that they were a white hair now must have already gotten to the rest of the succubi because someone had thrown the pillow and cover across the room. All of the succubi there stared at Remy and Emile when they came in.

Some of them opened their mouths but Remy couldn't know what it was they said, maybe that was a good thing. One of them spat at their feet while some of the others reached out to touch Emile's skin maybe just to see what an Angel felt like.

Remy growled at them and extended their wings to force the distance between the two of them and the succubi to increase.

They laid Emile down on the bed and with how much pain he had gone though, and was still going through he fell asleep almost immediately. Remy stayed awake next to him growling and nashing their teeth every time another succubi even came close to the bed.

It had gone a few weeks and Emile was able to sit up in bed and take a few steps on his own. Remy laid with their head in his lap and their eyes closed while he ran his fingers through their hair when he suddenly tapped them on the shoulder over and over.

They opened their eyes to see The Manager towering over the bed with his striking eyes staring holes into the former Angel. He parsed his lips and spoke and they could see Emile responding. They wanted to punch their fist into the wall at how frustrating it was to not understand.

Emile scribbled down in the notebook they had started to use to communicate 'He says that even though you are a traitorous white hair you still have to do your job'

"But- But I can't like go to earth right now. I have to like stay with- with-" Emile put his finger over their mouth to quiet them and they saw The Manager speaking again.

'You have to'

The manager had spoken for longer than three words. Emile was leaving something out, they guessed he had been threatening either or both of them.

Remy looked to The Manager before lowering their gaze again and pressing a quick kiss to Emile's cheek. "I will be back soooo soon babe okay!? I will find like the fastest cumming guys you've ever seen"

They didn't dare look at The Manager as they ran out of the room. The Manager looked at the succubi disappearing down into the hallway before slowly turning his eyes back to Emile.

"Take your shirt off"

"...I was nude when my wings were torn off. You have already seen me naked" Emile replied in the calmest voice he could muster "There's no need for me to-"

"Take your fucking shirt off!"

When Emile didn't comply he moved forward and dragged the cardigan off of him and for a few seconds The Manager just blared up and down at his body

"To think that they threw their whole life away for You!" He finally said "Look at you! You're..You're nothing!"

Emile's expression didn't change a single bit which made The Manager turn red from rage.

"Did they ever tell you we've had SEX! Huh!? I've been with them many M A N Y more times than you ever have! They've done every thing I've told them to!"

"They told some time in the 1920s yes"

The Manager sputtered and stared at him so hard it nearly looked like his eyes would pop out "WELL I will have been with them many more times than you ever will anyway! Because they will never want to fuck you again! Not with those ugly puss filled holes in your back! Even if they heal they're going to stay ugly and red and make you disgusting! And they will leave you to dust and probably I don't know kill themself for giving up their hearing to be someone as hideous as you!"

"Has insulting people helped you in the past? According to the behavioral theory of psychology most of our behavior is based on previous conditiong, so it's only a guess but it seems like it has helped you in the past" Emile replied.

"You're going to end up alone one day!" The Manager yelled right into his face before leaving.

It took another week until Emile had healed enough that he could walk around completely on his own again, though Remy still got too anxious about someone hurting him they always followed him if he left the room.

Still it was as if once he was able to take care of himself again all of the extra adrenaline Remy had been running on finally ran out and they barely had the energy to leave bed. When Emile tried to communicate with them they would start crying so hard he had to hold them until they stopped shaking.

"I feel like I lost you" They cried "I keep- I keep thinking that we like- we spent so much fucking time apart I never heard your voice enough and now I like never will again. What if I forget your voice Emi!? And like music and you reading to me and us just like talking! It's all- It's all gone! I'm gone! I don't even know if I'm like yelling or whispering right now. I'm sorry. I'm sorry"

They could feel Emile's breathe against their cheek as he said something but it only made them cry harder. He stayed with his head leant against their shoulder and with his arms around their waist until they fell asleep again.

One morning Emile woke Remy up with a kiss to their temple and still half asleep they mumbled "Need help changing bandages Emi?"

Emile shook them around slightly until they rubbed their eyes open and sat up. He held up the note he had written beforehand.

'I found the library finally! The language section was a bit underdeveloped but I managed to find these!'

He held up a few books with titles all being various variations on 'American Sign Language for dummies'. Remy tilted their head and squinted.

"You know I'm too stupid to read all that"

'Youre not stupid. You can read my notes perfectly fine, it only takes you longer time than other people. We will both learn sign. Together. I have found some papers on the psychology behind different peoples study patterns!'

Remy leaned forward to cup Emile's cheeks "I love your smile babe. You're like my shining sun" They sunk in on themself as their voice broke "I'm sorry I like hurt you"

Emile shook his head and quickly wrote 'I knew what was going to happen to me honey. It was the more powerful demons fault'

He wiped a tear away from Remy's cheek before adding.

'Besides now we can kiss whenever we want. For forever'

"Can we" Remy whispered, almost begged.

Emile kissed them and kissed them and kissed them until he saw their tail begin to wag back and forth from happiness.

'I want you' He wrote.

"I don't wanna like accidentally open the like wounds or anything. Do you think you can?"

'You know better than me what positions would hurt me the least'

Their tail rubbed against their temple as they thought "I can eat you out. We just gotta make sure you stay sitting up so you don't like lay down on the stitches"

Emile blushed bright pink as he motioned for the big sleeping hall and the other succubi here and there.

"Girl people fuck in here like aaaall the time. No one will mind. Uh but like if you're not like comfy we can go to the shower room?"

He nodded and Remy tightly took his hand in theirs and helped him to the shower room, he was still a bit slower than before the injuries.

Once in the room Emile pushed Remy close and kissed their neck while they helped him to sit up on the sink. They made out while the succubi unbuttoned his pants and palmed him through his underwear until they could feel him soaking wet through the fabric.

"If you like want me to stop or I do something wrong or Anything just like pinch my skin alright?" Remy asked.

They waited until Emile had clearly nodded before they helped him push the underwear down to his ankles and entwined their hand with his. They gave him another kiss before going down on their knees.

In the middle of it when Remy could feel the muscles in his thighs twitch against the sides of their head and his hand pulling at his hair they suddenly felt a slight pinch against their shoulder and instantly stopped.

They let the hand in their hair pull them up on their feet and they leant close to Emile. They thought he was going in for a kiss but instead they put his lips against their cheek so that instead of hearing it they could feel the vibrations against their skin as he moaned.

They feel a bit in love all over again at what a genius their lover was.

'E- E- I- L- E" Remy hand spelled out with their eyebrows furrowed in concentration.

'Close. You mixed up E with M again. Look' Emile showed the different letters again.

"What kind of asshole designed E and M to look so fucking similar"

He smiled before writing 'Its good you keep speaking at least so your muscle memory keeps remembering how to'.

"....Was I close enough to correct to like get some sweet Emi kisses as a reward?"

Emile laughed and Remy held their hand close to his mouth so they could feel his laughter before he laid down against their chest to kiss them. At first they held their hand over his chest to feel his heartbeat before moving to feel the slight movements and vibrations on his neck as his spoke.

They couldn't quite read his lips well enough yet to know what he was actually saying but simply feeling him speak was soothing in a similar that hearing him read had been.

He tapped on their cheek to get their full attention before hand spelling "I- L- O- V- E- Y- O- U"

Remy felt themself get all gooey inside as they watched his fingers move. "I love the way I can feel your body. It's like- It's like I'm uhh like totally getting to know you like all over again by how your body like moves and functions and vibrates and stuff. I think I like the idea of having decades in front of me to like learn every like crevice and movement of you. Y'know? Do I sound tots weird or what?"

'I think that sounds absolutely lovely dear'

1998

In the early morning Emile had a big grin on his lips as he snook up to the bed he shared with Remy. Their loud snores could be heard from a mile away and quietly sat down right next to it.

He positioned himself and blew the party horn so that the end of it hit Remy right on the nose.

"AUgh FuCK!" They shouted as they sat up straight.

As soon as they saw it was him they relaxed and leant back on their elbows while smiling so the quite new wrinkles near their eyes became visible.

"Heeey honeysuckle" They said before pulling Emile close to kiss him.

'I have a surprise for you!' He signed 'Its a concert. On earth! I saw a poster that this new artist called Britney Spears will perform at a mall! I think youre gonna like it!'

'E- M- I- its O- U- R- anniversary not just mine. You gonna enjoy it too?'

He nodded furiously.

'Okay Okay lemme get changed'

Emile sat on the bed and kicked his feet and whissled a little tune while watching Remy go through their entire stack of clothes in search for the most stylish show offy outfit they could possible put together.

"I want an outfit that like totally screams I'm on a special date with the best like lover guy man hubby you can ever wish for y'know??" They said while layering two different colored arm warmers on top of a fishnet top.

He sat obediantly in his favorite soft cardigan while Remy tested out which of his ties matched the best before landing on a pink tie. They fastened the tie and peppered him with kisses.

'Ready?'

'Ready!'

#sanders sides #tss #thomas sanders #remy sanders #emile picani #remile #what if you were an asexual succubus wouldnt that be fucked up or what

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raw-law · 6 months ago

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light liking The Main Character by Will Wood is very in tune for him. im using the previous Will Wood ask to talk about him myself. overall, i almost prefer the albums he released under the tapeworms name.

im a newer fan for sure (thanks internet friends) but have quickly familiarized myself with his discography. the first song i listened to was Dr Sunshine is Dead. very akin to Noel's Lament from the musical Ride the Cyclone. am absolutely a sucker for theatrics and overdramatics so it was right up my alley.

my initial aversion to listening to Will Wood actually came from I/Me/Myself being a popular tiktok audio. in case i haven't voiced it here, i despise tiktok. it festers negativity. one might argue it is good for spreading activism movements but it is so overrun by misinformation that it loses this purpose. i base this on my personal experience on the app during 2020-2021. i deleted it after that. have only redownloaded it a few times after that to hunt down my old account and cringe at myself. (yes its still public, no you are not getting the @, if u try hard enough, u can find it). all of that to say, i don't like tiktok. thus when songs become popular on there, i used to actively avoid them. it still irritates me sometimes to play songs in the car that are fairly obscure and my friends will sing one random part and I will be like "oh you know (whatever band)?" and they reply "no i know it from tiktok". it has changed how the music scene operates as a whole. there are less localized music scenes and more short form content hoping to get a few lines that make it big on the socials. it makes me sad as a musician and as an artist in this era of over-digitized spread of music. but on the flip side, it does allow musicians to distribute so much easier to a much more vast audience. but there is less close connection with it. i have read books about the music scene of the early 2000s and it is an era we will unfortunately never repeat with the state of the internet.

sorry for the tangent, thats not where i was originally going with that but its where i ended up.

-🦌

ahhh..... poor noel gruber.. you would have loved will wood.. (oh, the tapeworm albums are a good choice. those have all of my favorite songs. :) )

your thoughts are certainly intriguing though. i see where you're coming from with the whole "festering negativity" bit. it's very... brainrot-y, and it's clearly had a large effect on the overall population. however, i will say that i think all social media platforms do this, and you simply have to learn to control your social media experience to use it in a beneficial way. though it is unfortunate that oftentimes people have to learn that the hard way.

i also very much agree that it's had a heavy effect on the music industry.. it's a bit sad to see, and i don't even consider myself a musician. the only reason i ever liked indulging with music scenes was because i liked observing the community. i've stopped doing it as much as of recent, mainly because it feels like there's less of a community to observe anymore. that can go for a lot of things, actually. everything just feels.. a little less authentic. it's disappointing. i try not to think about it.

despite all that, i don't think it's a crime to enjoy a popular song. simply enjoy the song because of its contents. said song being popular just means it gave you the opportunity to come across it. and who knows, maybe it can give you the opportunity to teach those tiktok friends who only know a section of the song how to appreciate it to its full extent. it doesn't have to be all bad.

i mean... i'll admit, i've taken a liking to taylor swift just today. not sure how i feel about it, but eh.. i couldn't care less. "Picture To Burn" is a fun song. i can't deny it.

Light:

Ooh. I do agree with your point that social media fosters negativity. There've been several really good books written on the subject, actually---social media radicalizes people who mightn't have access to reliable information (I think it's mentioned in How to Stand Up to A Dictator and Misbelief) and also makes people feel self-conscious about themselves, thinking that they have to be slimmer or taller or shorter or better-looking and the list goes on (I'm starting a book about it called Perfect, which mainly focuses on body image issues caused by social media in young girls/women).

However, social media also does have benefits, but like everything, only when it's used appropriately and in moderation. It allows employers to connect with employees and for information to get around the world much faster.

But then again, like you said, Tiktok encourages shorter attention spans in those who frequently use it. People only know part of a song because of Tiktok, not because they truly appreciate it in its entirety. This also encourages musicians to create shorter and shorter songs, which isn't exactly where the music industry should be going towards. However, this also has its benefits, like allowing small indie artists to share their work with a global audience and gain more following, so...

I suppose, at the end of the day, it all comes down to your personal preference. Everything is a double-edged sword, and the most important thing is how you choose to use it.

That being said, I guess don't let Tiktok affect you into avoiding popular songs. My view is, songs can be popular on Tiktok, but if you enjoy them, it isn't worth it to avoid them just because of that. I get what you mean, but that's my opinion.

Thanks for your ask!

#fictive #l lawliet #light yagami #death note #ask blog #dn

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nerdywriter36 · 2 years ago

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(Belated) Notes - Phantom Broadway - Saturday, March 11 - Matinee

These are so late, but better late than never, right?

The main trio was Ben Crawford, Julia Udine, and Paul A. Schaefer, and this was my first time seeing the show on Broadway! The only other time I've seen it was the restaged tour in Toronto in January 2020, so I was so excited to see the brilliant original

I loved Julia's Think of Me, so beautiful. She hadn't been my favourite Christine purely based on audio, but seeing her live, I now have a newfound love for her

I've seen some people say that Paul looks really bored during Think of Me, but to me, at least at my show, it seemed like an intense focus. People complain about him being more focused on his program than on the show, but it definitely came across as an intense focus on Christine before he checked his program, then scrambled for his opera glasses to see if it was indeed her. A detail I very much enjoyed

Ben's acting during the descent to the lair did it for me (and this might be blocking, but I loved it). The way he held the lamp closer to Christine for her to see better, the reassuring hand squeeze. Good stuff

He also stroked his hand down Julia's arm just before they exited the ramp. I lost it.

Three good almost kisses during MOTN - the first one, on "turn your thoughts away from cold, unfeeling light" came very close, Ben ducked away so last minute.

Ben did a thigh stroke. That's all I can say. I have no words.

He may as well have been singing into her mouth at the portcullis, their faces were VERY close together for a moment before Julia ran off.

Ben's reaction to STYDI honestly looked almost more frustrated that she had disturbed his composing initially - there was no shout, he just seemed a bit startled before he begrudgingly stood up, and he didn't run, but walked with purpose. Still threatening, though.

I'm pretty sure I could see the top of Ben's fedora when he was hiding in the angel during AIAOY from where I was sitting. Almost 99% sure.

Julia's Wishing was just as gorgeous as people had said it was. Her voice, her acting, the desperate clutching of the scarf and the kisses she pressed to it were all just beautiful.

Wandering Child was great, so surreal to hear that live, it's one of my favourite songs. That trio did such a lovely job - Ben definitely dominated vocally.

Also, people laughed when the Phantom came out of the cross? I had been so relieved when they didn't laugh at him in the angel, but then they laughed as he appeared at the mausoleum and I was very confused.

PONR was great and very sexy. Ben's crotch grab seems to be a thing for him these days; he did it just before Julia put a hand on his mask, his hand practically flew to his crotch. No hovering, there was definite contact.

The kiss in Final Lair did me in. Ben's hands just sort of hovered with the first one, then he pressed the deformed side of his face against her hair during the hug. He cupped her face for a second during the second kiss—again, contact, not just hovering—and then touched her waist briefly before pulling away.

The "take her, forget me" etc, etc portion definitely came across as Ben just barely holding it together and managing not to break down crying while they were still there - he sounded choked up, his voice was a little strained, etc.

Julia hesitated for a couple of seconds after she let go of Ben's hand at the ring return. She thought about staying for a solid second before leaving.

Ben directed "you alone can make my song take flight" towards the boat while they rode away, then turned to the audience for the last line.

I went to stage door after the show and ended up meeting Paul, Julia, Nehal, Carlton, and Howard McGillin, as well as Rory (coneyislanddesigns on Instagram), Raquel Suarez Groen's dresser!

Overall, a totally beautiful show that I'm so grateful that I got to see!

My friend also made some notes on Jeremy's show, so I will likely be posting those for you all to enjoy, along with the art that she did for him since everyone loved seeing that last time!

#still can't believe i've seen this show #still doesn't feel real #poto #poto broadway #phan review #ben crawford #julia udine #paul schaefer

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beseojun · 2 years ago

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✰ Seojun’s Next Gen Audition ✰

seojun performing bambi by baekhyun ( 0:04 - 1:04 )

it seems all around campus and even in the dance studio he occupies, there's word that a new audition program is going to be happening. seojun only catches bits and pieces but he's curious. it made sense with being in the dance program that he'd hear something but the dancer just shrugs it off. he can only imagine what he'd see in his comment section but he doesn't dare look at them right now since he sucked at accepting compliments. maybe he was scared? those fears always kept him from pursuing things outside of his comfort zone. sure he did an audition before but the doubts hit him. maybe he could try again? maybe things would be different? he could only hope he didn't get too inside his head with all of this.

his busking buddies seem to decide to spam him about it since they all wanted to audition but he just tells them he's unsure. his confidence loves to fluctuate at the best times and he wishes it didn't.

it changes when his dance instructor poses the question to him about auditioning. even a few of his classmates ask him if he would. the attention is different but he nods, ready to give it a chance. it wouldn't hurt to try plus he had nothing to lose and only hoped he got picked.

learning new choreography had made him confident and he made sure to get some second opinions on his choices of what to perform for the audition. seojun wants things to be perfect. being a perfectionist made things hard, especially with self doubts.

deciding on bambi, he spends the rest of his time learning the choreography. it doesn’t take that long, actually enjoying the process as well as the song which he listens to on a daily basis. once he’s finally comfortable with everything he waits till the next day, ready to film and send off his audition.

rushing to the local studio he loves to occupy on the days he isn’t flooded with classes, he sets up a camera and gets the music ready with the instructor's help. he knows having someone controlling the audio and camera would make things so much easier.

the camera starts recording and seojun right away starts to introduce himself. “hello! i’m lee seojun. i’m turning 23 soon and i’ll be dancing and singing bambi by baekhyun.” he flashes a smile, showing off his dimple before he gets into position as the music starts to play.

letting himself get into the flow of the music, he seemingly lets his body go and moves to the choreography like it was second nature. singing while dancing was something he always practiced so he wasn’t as out of breath as he thought he’d be. it felt natural and he the intrusive thoughts were long forgotten as he continued to do his best while being filmed. even his expressions were changing to fit the dance and whatever character he was trying to portray through his dancing. it just shows how much he’s into dancing as his movements are precise, sharp, and perfect. it was the perfectionist in him that made sure that every movement was done correctly.

once the 60 seconds came to an end, he held the ending pose. a smile was on his lips as he happily waved at the camera before politely saying a thank you. the instructor turns off the camera and happily claps for seojun who flushes at praise and waves it away.

“you did well jun! i hope for the best for you.” this causes a giggle and a bigger smile to spread across the dancer’s lips.

after chatting for a bit, seojun returns home and watches the video a bit before deciding to submit it. he can only hope that it’s good enough and that he didn’t somehow make a fool of himself at all.

#be:ngs1p1 #이서준 — ✰ / solo #( wc: 648 )

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itsalwayswellattheworldsend · 1 year ago

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Chapter 3 - Ralph Cometh to the Cheaping-Town

Text Audio

Synopsis:

Ralph wakes up early the next morning and sets out for adventure, stopping to pay a visit to some family friends.

Summary:

"Gossip, wear this about thy neck, and let no man take it from thee, and I think it will be salvation to thee in peril, and good luck to thee in the time of questing; so that it shall be to thee as if thou hadst drunk of the WELL AT THE WORLD'S END."

That night, Ralph slept in his own room in one turret of the House, and awoke before the sun rose. He got dressed, gathered his war gear, his sword, and his spear, and went out to a thicket of willow trees near a ford in the river. He hid his gear there and went back to the house and got his horse—a good dappled grey named Falcon—and tethered him to a tree while he armed himself. Then, looking like any warrior one might encounter, he rode across the ford before the thrushes had finished singing.

He rode south, and by the time the sun rose he was out of Upmeads, though all who lived here were friendly to him. He passed farmers, milkmaids, and children playing, and they all knew him and Falcon, and so they greeted him, but he was not worried because they would not find it strange to see him going about as he was, and it was unlikely that any would travel all the way to Upmeads Water that day, which was now ten miles to the north.

So he went on and came to the high road which went north to Upmeads—crossing the river at a bridge between the High House and a Church—and south to the market town of Wulstead, beyond which he knew little about the land, and that filled his mind with thoughts of adventure.

Ralph entered the town after the first mass and saw maidens by the fountain and two or three dames in the market pavilion. He went straight on to the house of a man he knew and with whom he and stayed before—he was a merchant, and also well known in the High House of Upmeads. Ralph saw him standing in his doorway, dressed in a gray-and-silver robe, for he was not one to work with with his hands, but with his tongue. He was red-faced man, black-bearded, and forty years of age, and his name was Clement Chapman.

“Welcome, lord!” he said when he saw Ralph approaching. “Have you come to give me a message and eat a little in this poor huckster’s house, dressed so gallantly?”

“Yes,” Ralph said, for he was hungry. “I will eat and drink with you and kiss my gossip, and then be on my way.”

The man took Ralph into his home and if it looked good from the outside, it seemed even better within. It has paneled walls and carved wainscotting, cabinets full of the best cups and dishes one could want, the windows were glass and had flowers in them. And because Clement’s storerooms were nearby, pleasant smells drifted on the air. The table was set for a meal, and beside it stood Dame Katherine, a good woman and wife of Clement Chapman, and she was also of forty years. She had held Ralph at his baptism when she was newly wedded and he was a baby, and she was a good friend to King Peter.

She kissed him and said “Welcome, gossip! You are just in time for breakfast, and we will give you a good lunch later after you’ve been to town and finished with your errand. Then you’ll drink with us and sing me a song and return home in the cool evening.”

Ralph was troubled and said “No, gossip, I thank you for these things as though I had received them, but I must ride on as soon as I eat breakfast and ask something of your husband.” Then he asked Clement, “What is the name of the next town to the south and how far is it?”

And Clement replied, “Son, what are you doing riding south? As you know, south of here is the hill-country, which is not safe for one person to cross alone, not even a brave knight like yourself.”

Ralph flushed and said, “I have an errand that way.”

“An errand of King Peter’s, or one of your own?”

“Of King Peter’s, if you must know,” said Ralph.

Clement would be no merchant if he could not tell so easily when someone was lying. So he said: “Young lord, would it help you on your errand if I were to ask the mayor for permission to keep you here so that I could ask your father of your business?”

Ralph grew angry, but before he could speak, Dame Katherine interceded sharply: “Oh hush, Clement! Why does it matter to you what he’s doing? If the young lord wants to ride south and see the world, we should let him. And even if it were to be against his father’s wishes, should he not still go? Take my word for it that he will go through the world and come back to those who love him as well as he left. And here, I give you a token of such things.

She went then to a chest in one corner and brought out a small necklace of blue and green stones with gold knots between them, like a pair of beads—though neither pope nor priest had blessed them—and a small box hung from it which contained something hidden.

She gave this to Ralph and said: “Gossip, wear this and let no one take it from you, and I think it will be your salvation in danger and good luck to you on your quest; so it will be as though you had drunk from the Well at the World’s End.”

“What is that well?” said Ralph. “And how may I find it?”

“I do not know,” she said, “but I have heard that if one drinks of it, it protects them from weariness, wounds, and sickness; and wins love from all and maybe even eternal life. Haven’t you heard of it, my husband?”

“Yes,” said Clement, “Many times, and how whoever drinks of it speaks words none can go against—whether buying or selling, or swaying the hearts of anyone before them. As for its location, you won’t find it around here. They say that it is beyond the Dry Tree—and Lord knows that’s far. But now, Ralph, I advise you to return home this evening. My nephew, Andrew, will go with you as company. Surely he can do little worse if he were to remain in Wulstead, for he is a lazy one. But please, Lord Ralph, do not take personally what I said about the mayor and keeping you here; it was all a joke, as I’m sure you realize.”

At that, Ralph’s mood lifted and he smiled, holding the necklace in his hand.

Dame Katherine said, “Dear gossip, do put it on quickly; for it is a gift from me to you, and from a gossip even a king’s son may accept a gift.

Said Ralph, “Is it okay to wear it? Are you sure there’s no wizardry in it?”

“Listen to him!” she said, “he sounds so much like a man. If there were a brawl in the street, he would join in at once, not even asking whose side was right; but here is my little falcon-chick, afraid of a little gold box and a pair of foreign beads.”

“Well,” said Ralph, “I’ll have the first holy man I see bless them for me.”

“You will do no such thing,” she said. “Not at all! Who knows what will happen to you or I if that happens? Come, put them on and then let us eat, can’t you see my husband is hungry? And even you would look a bit better after having a bite to eat, lord and gossip.”

She took him by the hand and put the necklace around his neck, then kissed and caressed him before they sat down, Clement looking on and smiling sheepishly, but saying nothing to them, only calling a boy to take Falcon to the stable. Then, when the were sitting down, he continued the conversation where he had left off.

“So, Ralph, you must be going adventuring, now that you are—as you say—an adult. This is all good and well, as sometimes the apple does fall far from the tree. Well, no one thought Upmeads would keep you boys much longer. Have your brothers gone as well?”

Said Ralph, “They have gone as well, taking the road in other directions along with my parents’ blessings and some money as well. But to speak the truth, sir—for I know I’m not good at lying—my parents do wish that I would remain with them, but I don’t like that at all. Therefore, I am out to seek adventure, for Upmeads may be good for a stargazer, or an herbalist, or a priest, or a good farmer, but there is no place there for a king’s son who wishes for more. What do you say, gossip?”

“I could cry for you mother,” she said, “but not at all for you. It is good that you should make the most of your youth, and I think you will return to us even greater than you are now—and I have always been somewhat foreseeing of things. Just make sure you keep those beads I gave you.”

“Well,” said Clement, “It’s all good to talk about doing what one wants, but being all in one piece is a valuable thing, and not the sort one can simply buy in this world. But go, Ralph, whether I say to or not. In truth, I am not a subject of King Peter’s and it is not my business to hold you to his wishes. As for the next town, it is Higham-on-the-Way, and it is a big town, quite prosperous, with good walls and a castle, and a very rich abbey of monks. It’s a peaceful place, for the abbot hires many men to guard him and his people, and to uphold his laws with visitors; which he does wisely and well. Therefore, many people come to the town to live there, and a great number of merchants, too. There’s no better market between here and Babylon. Well, Sir Ralph, I say that if you come to Higham-on-the-Way unhurt, you should stay there a while. You should join the abbot’s men, and you’ll be a captain, if you survive—which would be no little adventure for one who comes from Upmeads.”

Ralph did not like this idea, but he did not respond to it. Instead, he asked: “And what’s beyond Higham? Do you know?”

“Yes, truly,” smiled Clement, “I know from Higham to the Wood Perilous, and what lies beyond the Wood, and what is past those countries, too. I will not say that I have been to the Dry Tree, but I have spoken to one who has heard of someone who has seen it, though I do not think that he drank from the Well at the World’s End.”

Ralph’s eyes flashed and he reddened as he listened, but he asked quietly, “Master Clement, how far do you thing Higham-on-the-Way is from here?”

“It’s forty miles,” he said. “As you know, if you ride south from here, you’ll quickly be in the hill country and have to climb. If you stand on top of Bear Hill and look south, you’ll see nothing but hills and more hills, no real roads, or churches, or castles, or houses. Nothing but a shepherd’s hut or some little chapel by a pond—for otherwise the place is waterless.” He took a long drink and then continued: “Higham is past that, and out on the fertile plain. A little river called Coldlake winds through the meadows there, and it is a good country. But see also that the wool of the hill country is quite good as well—I have quite a bit of it this season! You won’t find sheep such as those in Upmeads.”

Ralph sat quietly and thought for a little while, then stood and said: “Master Clement, we have eaten now and I am grateful for that and much more. Would you do me yet another favor and ask your boy to bring our horse, Falcon, around? We have a long way to go and would like to go right away.”

“Yes of course,” said Clement, though he muttered to himself: “he talks so big, calling himself ‘we’, but in truth you’re worried that Nicholas is coming to fetch you back, and I wish that he were here now.” But then he said aloud: “I must also go now to my business, and I will send for your horse when I go. But take my advice, my lord, and join up with the abbot’s men, and all will be well.”

Then he got up and left, and Dame Katherine began cleaning up the table. Ralph paced a little, his gear clinking as he did, but then the Dame left the table and came to him and looked at his face kindly.

“Gossip, do you have money?” she asked.

Ralph flushed red, but said happily: “Yes, Gossip, I have both silver and copper, and three gold crowns and a number of pennies besides. But I will say that they are not many, and would not reach from here to Upmeads if laid in a row.”

“You are a prudent boy, king’s son. But I do not think that it was Clement’s intent for you to leave us empty-handed, or else he would not have left the two of us alone together.”

Then she went to a table in the corner of the room and took a little bag out of the drawer, handing it to Ralph and saying: “I give you this as your gossip, and you may take it without shame—all the more for if your father had been a worse man than he is, he might have more to give you. But now you’ll have as much or more as your brothers.”

He took the bag smiling but embarrassed.

“Now, I do not know if when Nicholas comes—and surely that old hound will be here soon—I will point him in your direction or leave him to figure it out himself—which he will, no doubt.”

“You can tell him,” Ralph said, “that I’ve gone to join up at Higham-on-the-Way, can’t you?”

She laughed and said: “Will you do so, lord, following the advice of my good husband who thinks himself as wise as Solomon?”

Ralph smiled but did not answer.

“Well, I shall tell him whatever I feel like when the time comes. But here is your horse! Wait just a moment and then you’re free to go wherever you want, just like the summer wind.” Then she left and returned shortly with a small bag. “Here is a flask of drink for the waterless hills, and a bit of meat to eat on the way. Farewell, gossip. I did not expect that when I woke up this morning—bothered only by the quietness of our town and how little happens in it—that I should have to cut off a part of my life and say to it ‘farewell’.”

Then she kissed him on the cheek and hugged him, and then it can be said of her that she let him go. Though he loved her and praised her kindness, he did not understand just how much she loved him, for she saw him little between Upmeads and Wulstead. Likely she did not understand it fully herself, though she had no children of her own.

So when he got in the saddle, she watched him go and waved as he turned the corner out of sight, seeing the children follow after him in wonder. Then she went back and laid her head on the table and wept.

Clement entered and she did not look up at him. He stood by her for a time, smiling a little, then put a hand on her shoulder, and when she looked at him he said: “Sweetheart, there’s no use in it. When you were young and exceedingly fair, he was just a baby and you were looking to have children of your own. And now that he is grown and left, you are older still—married to a merchant of no little means—and it is too late. But you did well to give him money, and look! Here is some money to take the place of that which you gave him, and a gift to go where the beads were. I ask that you think of it as though we both gave him those things.”

She turned to Clement and took the money and the necklace he gave her, and said: “Lord knows you are a good man, my husband, but I wish I could have had a son like him.”

She still cried some, and he said: “There there, sweetheart, it may be a year or two before we see him again, and then he may have a wife of his own and who knows how much he will think of himself as our son? Until that time, you’ve done well, sweetheart, so be happy.”

And then he kissed her and they parted, he to his business and she to her housekeeping, grieved but not unhappy.

Notes:

“Cheaping” is an old term for haggling, or a market, and is used throughout the story in relation to merchants and markets.

For another example of the sort of translating I’m doing, the line about thrushes singing referred to them as “throstle-cocks” which I stared at for a moment before deciding that “cock” here must be referring to a male of a type of bird (a “throstle”). “Throstle” is an old word for “thrushel” which is a dialectical word for a song thrush (Turdus philomelos). A long trip to a short answer, but these are the sorts of things I like about this project.

Ralph fords the Upmeads Water by the willows beside the High House. He continues south (perhaps not due south) and sees commonfolk, which the text mentions are familiar with him and Upmeads, since the river is only “a half-score miles to the north-ward”. It would seem, then, that Ralph has already covered 10 miles by this point, which seems a bit high but not impossible (a horse trots at about 8 miles per hour, or so I’ve read). We don’t have a good idea of how much time has passed, and he did begin before dawn so it could still be quite early. To help with (eventual) scaling, I’ll probably start adding distance notes to the map.

The text says that the bridge that leads back to Upmeads was built between the High House and a “house of Canons”. I’m not quite sure what that is and I can’t find the phrase anywhere else to look it up. The term was used in Chapter 1 when talking about the things in Upmeads, specifically alongside the reference to churches and abbeys. It seems most likely to me that this is some sort of church or religious place (“Canons” probably referring to “canonized” saints), but I can’t be sure, since it seems to be a phrase that Morris created.

The “pavilion” mentioned is (in the text) a buttercross, which is basically a sort of pavilion in the middle of a marketplace.

“Chapman” is a surname that means “merchant”.

Clement Chapman’s bed is stated to be “hung with goodly web from over sea such as the soldan useth” which may be a reference to silk (“soldan” is an old word for “sultan”)

I’m not certain of the exact relationship between Katherine and Clement, and Ralph. They call each other “gossip” which historically held other meanings than it does today. Two former uses seem the most likely: apparently the term originally referred to godparents, but was later also used for good friends in general (how good, I’m not sure). As Ralph and Katherine both refer to each other as “gossip,” it seems that the second, more general meaning is the most likely (though I did read that “gossip” in this case most often referred to women). The text says that she “held him at the font”, which I took to mean that she helped in his baptism and is therefore his godmother, but I’m still not sure why she would call him “gossip”. Also note that Clement and Ralph never use the term with each other, although she was married when he was baptized and therefore it seems to me that Clement should be his godfather. I personally theorize that Clement is not her first husband and that she was widowed, but I may be overanalyzing things.

Our first mention of the Well at the World’s End! And it won’t be the last by any measure—even as Ralph wanders through all sorts of adventures and perils early on, the Well will continue to pop up.

When speaking of the beaded necklace she gives Ralph, Dame Katherine calls them “Saracen beads” (I translated as “foreign”). “Saracen” is an old term (Greek and Roman) referring to people who lived to the east in Arabia. I thought about calling them “eastern” or “oriental” beads, but decided that there was no way to convey the nuanced meaning without a thorough explanation. Their foreignness/strangeness is the important thing here, though do keep in mind that she describes them as being from the east. Also note: some language around the beads makes them sound akin to a rosary. The necklace which Clement gives her is also mentioned as being a “chaplet” which could mean rosary.

The scene with Clement and Katherine after Ralph has left has always puzzled me a bit because some of the language seems very clearly that she wishes that she had had a son like him, but then also some of what Clement says makes it sound as though he thinks she were romantically interested in him. The more I read it, the more certain I am that that is not the case, and that the difference in their ages was only to point out that when she was trying to have children, he was there and like her child, and how just as though he were her child, he is leaving as an adult. She feels that void again, reminded that she is childless, but he encourages her by saying that she has been a good godmother to Ralph, and that he will remember that.

I’ll force myself to stop writing with this last thing: I really like Dame Katherine and how she is portrayed. Yes, she has stereotypical feminine aspects (sad because she’s childless, does housework) but she also very much does things her own way, stands up to her husband, and takes the initiative. It’s just one of those neat little things that makes this book special to me.

As for the map, so far it has been extremely north-to-south, but that will change and things progress.

Map:

#the well at the world's end #william morris #The Well - Book 1 Chapter 3

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