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paradisobound · 6 years ago

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I Want It, I Got It: Chapter 8

Summary: Phil Lester was a worker for the BBC in London. Working in the advertising department, he was content being alongside his friend and fellow coworker PJ during every shift. However, the BBC is temporarily being used as a film set for a new movie staring Hollywood ‘It’ star, Daniel Howell. Being stuck as an extra on the set, Phil finds it’s hard to ignore the famous star. And maybe, just maybe, Dan finds it hard to ignore Phil as well.

Word Count: 2.3k (this chapter)

Warnings: Occasional swearing

Rating: Mature (for right now)

Updates will be every Wednesday at 4pm and Sunday at 1pm EST

**MASTERLIST | READ ON AO3**

Work returned to normal within just a few days and it was like nothing had ever happened at the BBC. Phil wouldn’t ever hear the whispers anymore from the people who were once so infatuated with the idea of big stars like Mimei Lake and Dan being in the same building.

And although the filming had played such a massive role in the BBC the last few days, it was almost like it never happened. But of course, it had to have happened. Because if it hadn’t, Phil wouldn’t currently be on Skype with Dan Howell who is currently 8 hours behind him in Los Angeles.

Phil almost didn’t agree to the Skype call when Dan asked for his Skype name. Mostly because Phil was extremely nervous to be seeing Dan again face to face after their day in London that didn’t go as planned. But Dan was pretty adamant that he’d like to speak with Phil in a way that wasn’t over text and Phil decided to comply.

“I feel like there is a lot I need to explain.”

Those were the first words out of Dan’s mouth as the grainy laptop camera focused on Dan’s face. “You really don’t need to explain anything.”

Dan looked down at his lap and let out a sigh. “But I also have to because I feel like it’s not fair to you that you didn’t get to show me around London like we planned because my anxiety got in the way.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“But it feels like it is.”

“Dan.” It was the first time that Phil had really used Dan’s name directly to him and it felt a bit odd. “You never have to apologize for the way something bothers you. If that situation was making you uncomfortable, you had every right to want to go back to your hotel and be alone.”

Dan let out another sigh. “This life isn’t what it’s cracked up to be.”

Phil felt the sadness coming from Dan through the screen.

“When I was young, I dreamt about these days of my life where I could sit back in my Hollywood hills mansion and look at my awards and think ‘damn, I fucking did it.’ But now that this is my life, it’s so much more than I’ve ever thought it to be.”

There is a stall in Dan’s words and Phil can see that he’s trying to think over what to say next in his head. “I’m not saying that this isn’t the life I want―it’s just that maybe this life isn’t for me? I mean for God’s sake, I couldn’t even handle it when a few fans found out I was on the London Eye.”

“They shouldn’t have followed you.” Phil said, finding his gaze staring directly at the brown eyed male’s. “That’s a breach of your privacy.”

“They don't care about that.” There was a sharp pang in Dan’s words. “Most of them do in fact care about my privacy but others are looking for a peak into my life when they don’t need one.”

“Kind of like how a bunch of them tried to figure out who I was?”

Dan nodded and smirked. “To be fair, they did a good job. But I’m not too fond of them all assuming that you’re my new boyfriend. Like granted, theres nothing wrong with that, but not every person I’m seen with I’m dating.”

“Isn’t that how it always works though?” Phil asked, genuinely curious. “I mean look at Ariana Grande or really any celebrity out there.”

“Well, of course. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be annoyed when it happens to me.”

Phil shrugged. “Fair enough. It’s been odd to see people try and write up a story about me and I’m not even a known person. I’m just Phil from the BBC.”

Dan flashed a smile at him and cocked his head to the side. “Just Phil from the BBC?”

Phil laughed. “Does sound kind of lame, doesn’t it?”

Dan let out a hearty laugh and fell backwards onto his bed, his laptop falling down with him. As the camera fell with it, Phil couldn’t help but notice how soft, yet pillowy, Dan’s comforter looked underneath him.

“I’m exhausted.” Dan says, turning on his side and positioning his laptop to lay next to him on his bed. “My flight got in last night and then I was expected to be on set early this morning.”

“Go get some sleep then.”

Dan snorted. “As if you can talk. Isn’t it like 3am in the UK right now?”

Phil looked at the time on top of his laptop. “It’s only 2:38am, thank you very much.”

“You should be the one going to bed.”

“I don’t have to work tomorrow.” Phil argued. That wasn’t a lie. He really didn’t have to work tomorrow.

“You shouldn’t be staying up because of me.”

But I want to.

“I don’t mind.”

“But I do.” Dan quipped. “You should go to bed and I should too even though it’s only 6 and I should be eating dinner.”

“Go eat dinner and then get some rest.” Phil felt himself yawn and Spike shifted on the bed next to him in protest.

“Okay.” Dan didn’t protest any longer, but Phil could see he was struggling to keep his eyes open. “Can I just say something before this call ends?”

“What is it?”

“Thank you for being my friend, Phil. I don’t have many of those nowadays.”

Phil felt his heart jump in his throat but he didn’t have a long time to process Dan’s words because suddenly Dan’s phone rang and he sympathetically cut off the Skype call to answer it in private.

But Phil laid awake for a while that night, trying to decipher Dan’s words. He could only just barely see where he fit into everything.

***

@Danielhowell

I could sleep for the next ten years zzzzzzz

The first thing Phil saw when he woke up the next morning was the notification for Dan’s tweet from the night before. He found himself smiling and opening the tweet, letting his phone take him to Dan’s Twitter.

It was posted only two hours ago, but given that it was nearing 10am in the UK, that meant it was only 2am in Los Angeles and he was sure Dan was sleeping by now. But something inside of him still moved his fingers for him and suddenly he was typing out:

to@danielhowell

amazingphil: hopefully you’re finally sleeping by now!

The moment that Phil’s fingers subconsciously pressed reply, he had a sinking feeling that this was going to backfire. But he didn’t bother to delete the tweet. He quickly exited the app and threw his phone down beside him.

Spike was curled into a ball at the end of his bed, snoring in a way where his breath hit Phil’s feet and made them a bit too warm for Phil’s liking. But Spike was sleeping and clearly comfortable so he wasn’t going to bother him.

He closed his eyes, beginning to feel like he might sleep for an hour or so more when his phone buzzed and he picked it up out of instinct. Seeing what was there caused his eyes to bug and he let out a shocked noise.

to@amazingphil

danielhowell: I still can’t sleep :(

And with that reply set off a minefield in the replies. Phil’s Twitter began to be spammed by people replying to him or to Dan. He suddenly had people following him that he had no idea who they were but they had Dan’s name in their Twitter handle.

People were screaming in the replies about the interaction and many more were screaming about how they ‘shipped’ him and Dan together. Phil didn’t even know what that meant.

He was starting to panic, anxiety rising in his throat. From the end of the bed, he could hear Spike whimper and suddenly, his pup was running to him. Phil wrapped his arms around him and held his dog close, burying his face into Spike’s short fur.

He took deep breaths. Everything was going to be okay. He had to keep telling himself that. Dan has mentioned his fans multiple times. He’s apologized on behalf of his fans multiple times.

He was going to be fine.

Phil let go of Spike and picked his phone back up, daring to look at everything. It still looked bad…but not as bad as it was before. He unlocked his phone and went back onto Twitter, assessing the damage.

Well, there wasn’t a lot of damage per se, just a lot of random people suddenly @‘ing him and following him. He even had a few dm’s but he wasn’t going to open those. He was sure they were from fans who just wanted to know more information about him that he wasn’t willing to give.

In a freak moment, he went into his settings and privated his Twitter, making it so no one could follow him and no one could message him. He didn’t need that in his life. Not now.

He was trying to continue to calm down when he got a text from Dan that came through.

Dan: OH MY GOD i’m so sorry! I didn’t mean for that to happen.

Phil: It wasn’t you. I’m sorry for even replying.

Dan: You shouldn’t be sorry for that.

Dan: Point blank, my fans can be intrusive and they can be dicks. I’m really sorry.

Phil lets out a breath and reaches up, rubbing his hand across his face. If it wasn’t for all that had just happened, he might have felt that his eyes hurt from leaving in his contacts over night. But he’s not concentrated on that. He’s concentrated on this entire…mess.

His phone suddenly vibrates and Dan’s name pops up that he’s calling him.

Phil answers without a hesitation.

“I…I can’t believe that happened, Phil.”

“I’m not sure I can either.” Phil answers honestly.

“Did anyone bother you? I saw you privated your Twitter really quickly.”

“I had quite a few mentions and also I think some dm’s?” Phil felt his breathing pick up. “I’m quite nervous to read them.”

He heard Dan let out a loud sigh. “Please just―don’t let them bother you, okay? I know that I let them bother me sometimes but you don’t deserve to be bothered.”

“I’ll try.”

Phil could almost hear the smile that he was sure Dan now had. “I feel so bad. You have no idea.”

“It’s not you.” Phil repeats. “I just never thought about the backlash of me replying to you.”

“This is all a right mess, isn’t it?” Dan laughed.

Phil found himself laughing too.

Dan let out another sigh before beginning to speak again. “I have a question and I feel like this is probably coming at a really bad time but I’ve been meaning to ask.”

Phil feels his heart pick up it’s beating and his hands begin to shake. Spike begins to whimper again and Phil reaches out to pet him to feel better. “Yeah?”

“Would you care if I came back to London next week between filming?”

***

“When did you get chummy with the movie star?”

Phil looks up from his laptop to his brother sat at the small kitchen table in his flat, working on his own laptop for the clothing business that he owned. “What are you talking about?”

Martyn scoffed. “You know what I mean. Everyone saw what happened on Twitter this morning.”

“I just replied to him and he replied back.” Phil shrugged. “It can happen to anyone.”

“Don’t pull that shit on me, Phil.” Martyn laughed. “Are you and Dan dating?”

Phil quickly shook his head. “No! We’re just friends.”

Martyn cocked an eyebrow. “Are you sure about that?”

“Martyn…come on.”

Martyn shrugs and Phil lets out a loud sigh. “We’re not dating. We’re barely even friends.”

“Do you want to be dating?”

Phil has to admit that his dating life wasn’t something he had thought about in a while. If he was being fully honest, he was kind of assuming that he was going to remain single for the rest of his life. Mostly considering that he was newly 32 and hadn’t been able to keep a relationship for over a year before it fell apart.

Phil did find Dan attractive, but who didn’t? Dan was stunning with his brown curls and honey eyes. Phil will never forget how beautiful Dan looked the first time that he met him in person.

He couldn’t wait to see Dan again next week.

They had spoken for a while on the phone this morning before Dan complained that he couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore and Phil told him to go to bed. Dan wanted to come to London but he said he wanted to keep it a secret best he can. So he asked to stay at Phil’s flat and Phil agreed.

He was nervous for it. But he was also excited but he felt like this would be a really good time to really develop a friendship with Dan that he wanted. He really wanted to be friends with Dan. And if it led to something else―well, he wouldn’t be mad if it led to something else.

But that’s only an if.

“I wouldn’t mind if we did but I also just want to be his friend right now.’

Martyn scoffs again. “You’re lying.”

“Not every guy I’m friends with is someone that I want to date.” Phil comments with a laugh.

“Well, no.” Martyn says. “I’m not daft enough to believe that. But you’re really going to sit there and tell me that you don’t want to date Daniel Howell?”

“I―I wouldn’t be opposed to it.”

“Wouldn’t be opposed to it?” Martyn mocked. “Just admit it, Phil. You find Dan attractive. It’s okay.”

Phil felt his face flush and finally, giving in, he muttered a quick. “I think Dan is really attractive.”

Martyn let out a little laugh again and went back to typing on his laptop and Phil went back to his own work.

It felt good for Phil to say that for once. It felt almost as if a weight had been lifted off from him.

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #au #famous!dan #moviestar!dan #normal!phil #princesslexi763fics

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underspacegame · 6 years ago

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The Understate of Underspace, 2019

With 2019 getting underway, I’d like to give a recap of all the things that happened in 2018, and a sort of indirect roadmap of Underspace’s development.

Underspace began development about a year and a half ago, and originally, I had planned to have released it at this point in time. But plans are a fluid thing. No big, life changing revelation happened to cause this delay. There was no seed money stolen or New York game studio we opened up that ran out of money or sun god telling me to burn the game away. It’s merely a large endeavor and, while that original deadline could have been met, it’d mean cutting a lot of corners and features (including big ones like multiplayer). Underspace has a clear vision in mind, and I want to stick to that vision.

To that extent, I’d like to give an overview of the game so far, since by no means is it in some unplayable state.

So, what’s currently done?

On the gameplay side, things are what I’d like to call “action-complete”. Every base thing the player is expected to be able to do (fly around, dock, talk to other ships, use weapons, cloak, repair their ship, etc) functions. Players can level up, take missions, equip their ship, and so on.

Every station and system can be docked on and visited. These areas are connected, and have gas clouds, asteroids, minefields, spawnpoints for ships, etc. All these stations sell ships and equipment that are appropriate to their owning faction. Stations also buy and sell tradeable commodities.

On that matter, every piece of equipment and every fighter exists. Every fighter can be bought, and most every piece of equipment can be acquired in some way.

Every faction exists, spawns ships, and reacts appropriately to one another. Factions also react to player actions, and their reputations change accordingly. Factions also offer missions and various activities for the player to complete.

The framework of more advanced features, such as quests, dialogue, and bosses, is fully implemented. A few examples of these are already implemented, but, as you’ll see, there’s a lot more to go there.

Finally, multiplayer is close to parity with singleplayer. This feature by far has the most to be done on it, but in that sense it’s the difference between something being 85% done and 99% done. Most of these to-be-done features are small changes or features: not being able to see other players when they cloak, dealing with sudden disconnects, or smoothing out synchronized movement between clients. For the most part though, if you can do it in singleplayer, you can do it in multiplayer.

What’s still to be done?

The stage that development is in now is sort of a multi-part endeavor. I wouldn’t call it the last leg, rather, it’s the leg where the game really shapes up and content starts really coming out, and existing content and features are further polished.

Starting off, there’s the remaining content. A few ships (namely bombers and freighters, plus some NPC ships) are missing, and still need to be modeled and implemented. On the side of modeling, we have quite a few solars (celestial bodies including stations, wrecks, and other special things we can’t talk about) that need to be modeled.

On that matter, stations need a rework: both inside and out. This involves taking those station models (if you haven’t noticed, our stations are basically white cubes at this point) and placing them down, while interiors obviously need both structure, decoration and population. This means each station needs to be able to be walked around in, but also have unique NPCs one can interact with in a variety of ways.

Similar to stations, star systems also have more to go. While plenty is in, systems are in a constant state of rework: tweaking colors, population density, hidden jumpgates and jumpholes but more than that, systems need detail beyond just what’s on the beaten path: points of interest, side stories, wrecks, etc.

I call these vignettes, and most always every system has a few of these to tell. They can be simple as a decrepit train in a scrapyard with some leaking coolant, to a fighter squadron caught inside light sensitive coral.

On the questing side of things: most bosses, quests, and both campaigns (singleplayer and multiplayer) need to be implemented. There’s a lot of neat scenes and moments here that I’m not going to spoil, you’ll have to play the damn game yourself. In some ways this is the bulk of the work.

And of course, we have a few remaining features. These are never large things anymore, they’re mostly internally technology: saving features, support for extra keybinds, alternate control schemes, etc. You won’t see too many updates on these,

The last of these steps is polishing what’s already there. Graphical improvements, optimization, rebalancing and such. This is, of course, always an ongoing process, and even after release there’s obviously tweaks and bugfixes and patches to be expected. Ultimately the goal with this stage right now is to look at the game and say “Is it fun?” (The answer is yes) and “Does it play without filling your computer with wasps” (The answer is sort of). This is probably the most important step, and though it’s not the biggest part, it might end up being the longest.

Where do we go from here?

So, ultimately as you can see there’s still a lot to be done. As always, I’ll try to give regular development updates, both here and on my Twitter. There are however, more major milestones and updates coming up. In addition to more graphical overhauls as the game advances, I’m going to start doing larger posts and media bits about the game. Expect more trailers and development videos as the year starts up. At the same time: expect long dark periods of postlessness, there’s a lot of deep deep work I’ll be doing here and there.

And, most importantly, we do have a Kickstarter coming up! This will be early this year, expect it late February to early March.

#Underspace #video games #game development #unity3d #gamedev #big ole text post

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jacaranda-bloom · 5 years ago

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WIP Wednesday

I was tagged by these amazing writers to post a snippet of a WIP fic - thank you to @lululawrence @sadaveniren and @lightwoodsmagic !! I thoroughly enjoyed reading all your snippets! 💜

I appreciate that it’s no longer Wednesday, but if anyone wants to do this now, or even wait until next week, I’ll tag @sweariwouldnt @runaway-train-works @beau-soleil-louis and @taggiecb !

So this is a bit of my Rare Pair fic. The working title is The Cyber Sphere and the pair is Louis/Dermot O’Leary. (I hear the sound of a scratching record...) Yes. Louis and Dermot. The thing is, having only ever written Larry I didn’t know what to do with a Rare Pair and I really liked their interactions on XFactor. So...

The premise is that Louis is the author of The Cyber Sphere, a best-selling series of novels which have spawned a movie franchise, comics, spin-offs, television series, and is supported by a rabid fanbase who call themselves Cyber’s. Louis lives in a fortress-like penthouse, and guards his privacy, limiting his interaction with the outside world. He still keeps tabs on what is going on the Cyber world and sometimes listens in to one of the many radio programs dedicated to exploring all things Cyber related. The Cyber Times is one of those shows. When the regular host is ill, the replacement host is Dermot O’Leary. Louis decides to interact on Twitter. Chaos ensues.

The set up for this scene is that Dermot has put a call out on Twitter for the topic of discussion for the evening's program and selected the question “What does a day in the life of Louis Tomlinson look like?”

Donny babbles on. “And yeah, he’s probably got a staff of people, all with NDA’s and stuff, like super top secret. And he’s working on military and government code, all for the good of humanity, ya know? He probably has these conference calls with the leaders of the world and stops evil schemes to destroy the earth or summat. Yeah. Yeah, really cool stuff.”

“Well, that’s certainly a unique take. Thanks for your input, Donny. Lots of interesting theories coming through on Twitter too, I see. I’m just curious though listeners... Does no one think he’s just kicking around in sweats, drinking tea, eating junk food, and shouting at the ref on television like a regular person?”

Louis sputters, a few drops of tea spilling onto his sweats. Well, fuck.

“No? Just me, then? Alright, when we come back from the break we’ll take a few more callers, so don’t go away.”

Louis pauses and then decides to throw caution to the wind. He gets up and goes back to his console, bringing up his Twitter feed.

Social media is a minefield sometimes, but he kind of loves it. He has fifty-six million Twitter followers and thirty-two million Instagram followers. God only knows why. He just tweets nonsense about football and debunks myths about The Cyber Sphere. He rarely posts on Instagram and when he does, it’s mainly pictures of tech gadgetry. Cool, artsy, well-constructed images, but tech gadgetry nonetheless. The conspiracy theorists like to think he’s speaking in code and dropping hints about his upcoming work or about hidden messages left behind in his other novels. He’s not. He could, of course. But he isn’t. Maybe one day he will. His contract is iron-clad in his favour and he can pretty much do whatever the fuck he wants, but The Cyber Sphere is a brand. He’d never want to risk damaging it, and there are a lot of people who make their living out of it, off it, around it. But yeah, he isn’t opposed to having a bit of fun if the mood ever takes him. And it appears that the mood has, in fact, taken him.

Louis types out a new tweet and posts it.

Actually, I don’t eat junk food - healthy body, healthy mind and all that. Also, that ref deserved to be shouted at! #sweatsarecomfy

He sits back and waits for the carnage that is sure to follow. He wonders whether Dermot is ready for the avalanche of new listeners that are about to tune in and bombard the show’s Twitter feed.

The ad break continues, longer than it normally would have, probably. He envisages the chaos that is no doubt unfolding in the studio. Scrolling through the replies to his tweet, he chuckles as he sees people trying to work out what the fuck is going on and what he’s talking about. #sweatsarecomfy has just started trending worldwide, so has Dermot O’Leary. Nice. He should get some attention. He seems like a good lad.

“Welcome back. And, uhm, welcome to all the new listeners that have just tuned in. Seems like things have taken quite an interesting turn in the last five minutes. For those who have yet to see, we got a cryptic mention on Twitter… Was is it cryptic, though? Seemed pretty obvious to me. My very sweaty, red-faced producer in the other room and the station director and head of legal on the phone are saying that I need to say that. Anyway, we got a cryptic mention, feel free to add the air quotes for yourselves listeners, from none other than Louis Tomlinson himself. Thanks, man. I hear I’m trending on Twitter worldwide. My mum will be so proud.”

Louis laughs loudly. This guy is good.

“So I guess we now have a partial answer to what a day in the life of Louis Tomlinson looks like. Seems as though he watches footie and kicks around the house in comfy clothes just like the rest of us. I like that. Begs the question though, what other normal things does he do? Is he a tea or coffee man? Cats or dogs? Does he sleep naked? Does he brush his teeth in the shower? Does he dress to the left or to the right? Does he scroll through social media on the loo? Whoops. I’m getting a lot of waving arms and mouthed expletives from my poor producer. Okay. Uhm... “ Dermot laughs, the evil tone crystal clear. “Now there’s shouting. A lot of shouting.”

Louis cackles again and brings up a new tweet, typing in the text and posting.

Tea (come on, man). Both. Yes. No, ew. Left. Doesn’t everyone?

There’s a pause, Dermot presumably reading the answer. This is fun. He’s enjoying interacting this way. Creating a bit of harmless chaos and hysteria. Dermot’s joyous laugh rings out, a guffaw, followed by a throaty chuckle.

“Well, that’s… good to know. Thanks, Louis. I’m going to go out on a limb and say there was absolutely nothing cryptic about that, so everyone can just take a seat. That includes you, Graham. Graham is my producer, everyone. Hi Graham! You can’t see it, but I’m waving at him. He’s really quite cross. I think he should get his blood pressure checked, and lay off the coffee. Louis said so, after all. I’m a tea man myself. Actually, not that anyone probably cares, but my answers to those questions are exactly the same. Weird, right? Anyway, we’re going to try to and get back to the show after this next song. Any requests from our listeners?”

Louis types out a new tweet and posts it.

Go Let It Out

Dermot laughs again. He’s got a great laugh. Deep and genuine. Louis would like to hear it on the regular.

“So apparently, Louis and I not only have the same caffeine intake methods and, uhh... dressing preferences,” Dermot clears his throat. Cheeky. “But we also have the same taste in music. Good to know. All of it. Okay, here’s Go Let It Out by Oasis, as requested by our very special listener, and self-professed naked-sleeper.”

Louis smiles. He should definitely do this more often.

#May 30 2019 #WIP Wednesday #but i’m running late and it’s now Thursday #oh well #rare pair #The Cyber Sphere #working title

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brokerplanet10-blog · 6 years ago

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Your Comprehensive Guide To Online Dating Slang

Though we're still meeting in bars and going to see movies together, dating today would be largely unrecognizable to people 10 years ago; changes in how we find our dates, how we treat them and how we describe ourselves to them have radically altered the dating landscape.

To many, modern dating can seem like a minefield of technical jargon; the phrase "My poly pansexual situationship ghosted me so I'm breadcrumbing this snack I had a half-night stand with last year, will you be my emergency call if he wants to Netflix & chill?" will be clear as day to some and unintelligible to others.

If you find yourself in the latter category, this gigantic glossary of 57 dating terms is for you.

AROMANTIC

Identity / Celibacy

Pronunciation: ay-ro-MAN-tick

Aromanticism is pretty rare, but it is real: A certain portion of the population does not experience the feelings of romantic love that seem to come naturally for so many of us. While that might seem like either a blessing or a curse, depending on your take on love, perhaps the most significant hurdle for aromantic people is simply feeling left out and misunderstood by a culture for whom dating, love and marriage are not only the norm, but the de facto expectation for all.

Etymology: The "a-" prefix roughly translates to "without;" "romantic," here, means capable of having feelings of romantic love

"I don't know what's wrong with me. I just can't... fall in love." "You're not broken — maybe you're just aromantic!"

ASEXUAL

aka Ace

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: ay-SEK-shoo-UL

Being asexual doesn't specify whom you're attracted to, unlike other terms on this list. It specifies you don't experience sexual attraction. But this doesn't mean you can't have sex — only that you don't feel the need in the same way. Dating an ace person? Expect to check in regularly with them re: their desires and boundaries — just as you would when dating anybody else.

Etymology: Knowing that "a-" means "without," I'm sure I don't need to tell you what "sexual" means.

"Patrick, are you dating Scott? I thought he was asexual, not gay." "Scott's asexual and likes boys! It ain't mutually exclusive."

BENCHING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: BENCH-ing

Benching is when you're not into someone enough to commit to officially dating them, but you don't want them to move on and find someone else either, so you string them along juuuust enough to keep them waiting on the sidelines for you.

Etymology: You know when you're on a sports team but not actually playing, just waiting on the bench until the coach needs you? Yeah, it's the dating version of that.

"Rachel only ever seems to text me after I've given up on hearing from her. She's definitely benching me."

BISEXUAL

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: by-SEK-shoo-ULL

Bisexual persons are attracted to two genders. In the nineties, we'd have said "bisexual persons are into men and women", but we know a little more about sex and gender than we used to. Swinging both ways, flexible, cross-platform compatible, or rooting for both teams, a bisexual person can enjoy sex with or fall in love with the same gender as themselves, or a different gender from themselves. Bi people might prefer dating one gender and sleeping with another, but we still call 'em bi.

Etymology: A bisexual person is like a bicycle; both share the prefix bi, which means two.

"Mike, why do you call yourself bisexual? You've only ever dated women." "That's true, but I just haven't met a guy I wanted to call my boyfriend yet."

BREADCRUMBING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: BREAD-crum-ing

Breadcrumbing is when you send flirty but non-committal messages to a person when you're not really interested in dating them but don't have the guts to break things off with them completely. The breadcrumbee is strung along for the sake of sparing the breadcrumber a confrontation.

Etymology: Think of the phenomenon of getting a small creature to follow you by laying a trail of breadcrumbs here, and you've got the right idea.

"Renée replies to every second or third message I send her but never wants to meet IRL. I think she's breadcrumbing me."

CASUAL RELATIONSHIP

Dating / Type

Pronunciation: KAZH-oo-ull ruh-LAY-shun-ship

Somewhere in between f*ckbuddies and going steady is the casual relationship, in which two people typically hang out regularly and have sex but don't partake in the hallmarks of a serious relationship, like exclusivity, ongoing commitment and spending time with each other's friends and family.

Etymology: This one's pretty straightforward in meaning: it's a romantic relationship that's not too serious or committed.

"I have a friends with benefits type thing going on with Emily, you know? It's a casual relationship."

CATFISHING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: KAT-fish-ing

Catfishing is one of those dating terms that has legitimately made its way into the mainstream, thanks to the TV show and movie of the same name. Messaging with someone who's pretending to be someone else? You're being catfished! These setups tend to end badly. But until then, move your conversation with your crush to the phone/IRL/video chat of some sort as soon as you can muster. If they're resistant, they might be catfishing you.

Etymology: The term gained popularity after the release of the 2010 documentary on the then-burgeoning phenomenon, Catfish, but the real reason for the name is harder to come by.

"She always has a different excuse not to meet up with me." "Sounds you're being catfished..."

CISGENDER

aka Cis

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: siss-JENN-der

Cisgender is a term for people who aren't transgender, or whose assigned gender lines up with their actual gender. But isn't that 'normal', you might ask? Actually, it isn't, it's just more common: variations in sex and sexuality are perfectly normal and occur frequently in nature (gender is a little more complicated, as we don't have a theory of mind that encompasses gender for nonhuman animals). While cisgender persons may outnumber transgender persons, it isn't a default setting; it's one of many.

Etymology: From cis-, meaning literally 'on this side of' in mathematics and organic chemistry.

"So what's the opposite of trans, then? Normal?" "Well, no, it's not that simple. But the term you're looking for is 'cis'."

CUFFING SEASON

Dating / Type

Pronunciation: KUFF-ing SEE-zun

Cuffing season is the period between early fall and late winter when everyone starts to shack up with the nearest half-decent single person to ward off loneliness and cold during the cooler months. Cuffing season typically implied a short term, mutually beneficial arrangement that's strictly seasonal, and it ends as soon as the leaves start turning green again. The term is African American Vernacular English (AAVE) and has been around at least since the early 2010s.

Etymology: Cuffing, as in "handcuffing", because you're chaining yourself to someone else — at least until winter's over.

"Starbucks just brought back the pumpkin spice latte, it must be cuffing season!"

CURVE

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: KURV

Getting curved is being rejected, shot down, turned aside, said no to, dissed and dismissed. Yes, it sucks. When you get curved you need to take a moment to properly absorb all of the "no" that just hit you. But there's also something beautiful to a well-done curve; it's a memento to a failure, big and small, that you can carry around with you and use to prop up or tear down narratives about your dateability.

Etymology: A curve is often subtler than a flat-out no (think: Your text gets "Seen" but not responded to), so even if it hurts the same, it carries a name that implies a redirection rather than an outright rejection.

"I tried to ask out this babe at the bar last night and she curved me harder than I've ever been curved in my life."

CUSHIONING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: KUSH-on-ing

As above, cushioning is the process of staying in contact with one or more romantic prospects as a backup in case things don't go smoothly with your main squeeze. The "cushions" are usually kept on the periphery, eg. texting rather than full blown cheating.

Etymology: Cushioning, as in, keeping a person or several people around to "cushion" the blow if your main relationship doesn't work out.

"I do really like Priya, but I'm still texting Sian just in case. Yeah, I guess I'm cushioning."

DEMISEXUAL

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: DEH-mee-SEK-shoo-ULL

A demisexual is a person whose sex drive is tied not to an immediate visual or physical attraction but to people's personalities once they've gotten to know them. As a result, demisexuals are poor candidates for one-night stands and casual relationships — which may make them feel a bit alienated in our current dating climate. But they're no more or less capable of deep, loving relationships as the rest of us, so if you're prepared to take things slow sexually, demisexuals can make for great partners, too.

Etymology: Demi means half, or part — positioning demisexuals between asexuals and people who do typically experience sexual desire.

"At first I thought I was asexual, but then I realized I can have sexual desire for people... just not until I really know them!" "Sounds like you might be demisexual."

DM SLIDE

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: DEE-em slide

A DM slide is when you direct message your crush using the private messaging functions available on all of the major social media networks, eg. Twitter and Instagram. You usually need to be mutuals first — ie. follow each other — to avoid your message ending up in an "other" folder, and DM sliding tends to occur after some public interaction, eg. liking each other's pics or @ replying.

Etymology: DM stands for "direct messages", and "sliding" is the process of entering someone's direct messages to flirt with them.

"Brandy just posted a selfie and she's looking hot AF! I'm about to slide in the DMs."

DOGGING

Sex / Trend

Pronunciation: DOG-ing

Primarily a British trend, and with scant hard evidence of its existence, dogging refers to the practice of couples having public sex in their cars in places where others can watch (often in nature) — and, if certain anecdotes are to be believed, join in. The whole thing may sound a bit fishy (or... doggy?) and more like the plot of a very specifically focused porn site than a real trend, but the thrill of voyeurism is a real and exciting one for many couples.

Etymology: Opinions differ, but this term may come from the concept of taking one's dog for a walk in a wooded area and discovering a couple doing it.

"Angela and I have been discussing going dogging. We love being watched... it's such a thrill."

DTR CONVERSATION

aka DTR, DTR Convo

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: dee-tee-ARE con-ver-SAY-shun

A DTR conversation is a pivotal moment in a relationship: It's the moment you discuss what you are. Are you a for-real couple, or just friends with benefits, or a situationship? Timing is huge, here. Have your DTR too early and you risk scaring the other person away; too late and you might discover they've been casually dating around the whole time, assuming it wasn't serious.

Etymology: There's no great mystery here — DTR simply stands for "define the relationship."

"It's been six months and I just don't know what we are yet?" "Well have you had a DTR convo with him?

EGGPLANT EMOJI

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: EGG-plant ee-MO-ji

There are other sex emojis — the peach (a luscious butt) and the water drops (either wetness or ejaculate, depending on your tastes), notably — but the eggplant emoji is doubtless the most suggestive. Why? Well, peach and water drops are actually used in other contexts. But when was the last time you needed to use a damn eggplant emoji to signify eggplant?

Etymology: People just noticed that the eggplant emoji was phallic-looking. The rest is history.

"Wow, did you see that bulge? Man, I'd love to see his eggplant emoji, if you know what I mean."

EMERGENCY CALL

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: eh-MUR-jun-see KOL

An emergency call is a fakeout that allows you to politely get out of a particularly bad date. If you can tell the night's going to be a trainwreck from the earliest moments (and you often can) but you're genuinely afraid of insulting the stranger you're sitting across from, a fake emergency call from a friend saying "Your brother's in the hospital" or "Your cat just died" early on in the evening can be a real lifesaver.

"Oh, God, thanks for agreeing to be my emergency call last night. What a nightmare date that was."

FIREDOORING

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: FIE-er DOH-ring

This is the dating version of the one-way fire door — on rare occasions, someone will come out of their shell to contact you, but won't respond if you attempt to get in touch. It's a setup that only works in deeply unequal situations — if you're getting firedoored, you're constantly feeling frustrated and only occasionally satisfied. If this is happening to you, get out and close the door behind you. There are tons of people out there who won't do this to you!

Etymology: A fire door is a one-way door — it allows you to exit (on rare occasions) but never allows anyone to enter.

"She never responds to my messages, but texts me 'u up' at 1 a.m.? What's the deal?" "Sounds like you're getting firedoored, bud."

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

aka FWB

Identity / Dating

Pronunciation: FRENDS with BEN-eh-fits

Friends with benefits is the relatively classy way of saying you know someone and care about them and are regularly engaging in sexual acts with them, but not within the context of a relationship. It implies a certain looseness of arrangement. You probably don't see each other as often as a real couple; don't tell each other all the details of your lives; don't put each other down on emergency contact forms (or mention each other on social media profiles). That doesn't mean you're cold, unfeeling robots; it just means a relationship isn't exactly what you want.

"So what are we? Is this a relationship? Or are we just friends?" "I think we're friends... with benefits."

F*CKBUDDIES

aka F*ckfriends

Identity / Dating

Pronunciation: FUK-buh-deez

Isn't that... basically friends with benefits? Yes, arguably, they're pretty similar. At the same time, though, the use of the F-word in one of the terms (compared to the very euphemistic "benefits" denotes a very different sexual ethos. One is classy, old world, and stuffy; the other is crass, lewd and very present. So, arguably, one is for the type of people who are ashamed of such a sexual arrangement, and one is for people who aren't. Or maybe how you describe your setup depends more on who's asking. Whatever works!

Etymology: F*ck means sex... buddies means friends... should be pretty straightforward.

"I met this great girl. We've been seeing each other a lot... just for sex, though, no dates. We're f*ckbuddies."

GAY

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: GAY

This term is one of the more flexible on the list, but, generally speaking, someone who identifies as gay is exclusively attracted to, or exclusively dates, or exclusively has sex with, people who are the same gender as themselves — but it's a term that's been reclaimed by many across the spectrum of sexuality — so if you see a queer woman proclaim she's gay despite dating men too, it's not necessarily the contradiction you think it is.

"Carol, would you like to grab coffee with me this weekend?" "Sure, Jim, but as friends. You do know I'm gay, right?"

GENDERFLUID

Identity / Gender

Pronunciation: JEN-der-FLOO-id

Can be applied to people who feel outside the gender binary, or it can be applied to persons who feel that their gender isn't fixed, but variable — changing from day to day. Unlike nonbinary persons, a genderfluid person might identify as male and female, on different days, whereas a nonbinary person will usually identify as neither male nor female. Someone's gender identity has nothing to do with whom they're attracted to, or what they look like on the outside, or what physical sex they were born as. Gender is a mental conception of the self, so a genderfluid person can present as any gender or appearance, based on how that term feels for them.

Etymology: Gender, as in, your gender. Fluid, as in flowing, non-stable, movable, changeable.

"Hey, could you ask Scout if I could have her number? I need to ask her about this chem assignment." "Hey, buddy, I'll definitely ask for you, but you should know that Scout's not a 'she'— they're genderfluid."

GHOSTING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: GO-sting

Ghosting is when you disappear out of someone's life because you're no longer interested in them, instead of telling them directly. It's more abrupt than breadcrumbing: the ghoster will suddenly stop replying to texts and won't answer calls, and the ghostee is usually left hurt and confused.

Etymology: You know the disappearing act ghosts are known for? That, but it's your crush instead of a poltergeist.

"I'm not really feeling Melissa anymore, but she's really into me. I think I'm just gonna ghost her."

HALF-NIGHT STAND

Dating / Type

Pronunciation: HAFF nite STAND

The traditional one-night stand involves meeting a sexually-attractive stranger and taking them home for a night of unattached sex: they leave in the morning and you don't see them again. Well, the half-night stand cuts out the staying over part: the late night guest leaves straight after the sex is over.

Etymology: A half-night stand is 50 per cent of a one-night stand — get it?

"Joe was lazy in bed and wouldn't give me head, so I got out of there as soon as he fell asleep. I guess I've had a half-night stand now!"

HAUNTING

aka Zombieing

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: HAWN-ting

Haunting occurs when you think you have finished things with a date that didn't work out — or even a serious relationship — but then you notice signs that your ex is lurking your social media feeds, eg. they randomly like old Instagram pics or watch your daily stories. Often the notifications are a deliberate attempt to remind you that they exist.

Etymology: This is another supernatural dating metaphor but the meaning is almost the opposite of ghosting: in this case the offender lingers around rather than disappearing.

"Guess who watched my Instagram story today, of all people!? John! He's haunting me, and it's really creepy."

INCEL

aka Virgin

Identity / Celibacy

Pronunciation: IN-sell

Incel is a term that became popular on Reddit to describe men who can't get laid. The term, as a descriptor, is doubly demeaning. Not only is no one attracted to incels, but they also have a stupid name to describe them. Most incel problems could be sorted out by putting in minimal effort into looking better and having more positive interactions with women, but that's none of our business. Incel's slightly less embarrassing cousin is volcel — the voluntarily celibate.

Etymology: Incel is a portmanteau of the phrase "involuntarily celibate" — someone who's sexually inactive but wishes they could be.

"Ugh, I haven't had sex in almost three years. I'm such an incel."

KITTENFISHING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: KIT-in-FISH-ing

Coined by dating app Hinge, Kittenfishing is when you portray yourself in an unrealistically positive light in your online dating profiles. We all do this to some extent, but kittenfishing crosses the border into dishonest territory: think photoshopped or very outdated profile pics, or listing "lawyer" as your occupation when you're really a first year law student.

Etymology: You already know about catfishing, when a person pretends to be someone they're not online. Well, kittenfishing is the lite version of that.

"Remember that girl I was messaging on Tinder? Well, we met IRL, and she was definitely kittenfishing."

LGBTQ

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: ELL-jee-bee-tee-CUE

LGBTQ stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (or questioning), and its an acronym that's used to include the whole of a bunch of different communities of people whose sexualities or gender identities place them outside of the mainstream both historically and today. Some incarnations of the term include groups like intersex people, asexuals; and often the final Q is omitted in popular discourse. Nevertheless, it's a useful term when you're trying to refer to several, often intersecting groups of people at once.

"I love all my LGBTQ friends!"

LOVE BOMBING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: LUV BOM-ing

Love bombing is when a new partner shows extreme amounts of affection early on and expends serious energy in a deliberate attempt to woo you. However, once you've committed to a relationship with them, the love bomber will withdraw all that affection and let their true, ugly colors shine through, leaving you stuck in a nightmare relationship. This one's really not cute: love bombing is manipulative and abusive.

Etymology: Like its literal counterpart, a love bomb is awesome and spectacular at first, but ultimately very destructive.

"Graeme was so sweet at first, but now he's manipulative and jealous all the time. I guess he love bombed me."

MICROCHEATING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: MY-cro-CHEA-ting

Microcheating is a form of infidelity that stops short of the full-blown, overt cheating that occurs when a person sleeps with someone else behind their partner's back, but is low-level, cumulative dishonesty and infidelity that is intolerable in a committed relationship. Think heavy flirting, tonnes of secrecy, furtive kissy-face emojis and emotional affairs.

Etymology: If you think of cheating behaviors as existing on a scale, these ones are on the more minor end.

"I've never caught Imogen sleeping with anyone else, but she's constantly flirting with other guys and texts everyone except me. In my opinion, she's microcheating."

NETFLIX AND CHILL

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: NET-flicks and CHILL

In its original inception, "Netflix and chill" was a euphemism for a stay-at-home date that led to sex pretty quickly. The idea being: You invite your crush over under the premise of "just watching some Netflix and chilling" and then either abandon the movie pretty early or perhaps never even get to it, as hooking up becomes the main attraction.

"How'd it go?" "Well, I invited him over for a little Netflix and chill... you can guess what happened next."

NON-BINARY

Identity / Gender

Pronunciation: non-BYE-nuh-ree

A non-binary person isn't cisgender, they are transgender. But not all transgender persons identify as the 'opposite' gender they were born as; in fact, many reject the idea that there are 'opposite' genders at all. A non-binary person may identify as neither male or female, or both male and female, or as a traditional gender to their culture (such as two-spirited or third gender). It's polite to use 'they' as a default pronoun until instructed otherwise if you're unsure about someone's gender. Never assume!

Etymology: The prefix non- is modifying the noun 'binary', nullifying the idea that gender exists as only two options.

"I thought Padraic was trans? Why doesn't Padraic want to be referred to as 'she'?" "Padraic is trans, but they're nonbinary, not femme!"

OPEN RELATIONSHIP

Dating / Type

Pronunciation: OH-pin ruh-LAY-shun-ship

An open relationship is a committed, romantic relationship that contains an arrangement where both parties can sleep with other people. It's not cheating, because both parties are honest with each other and have the same freedom to engage in sex with other people. Open relationships often contain specific rules and boundaries, just like monogamous relationships, but "no sex with anyone else, ever!" isn't one of them.

Etymology: The opposite of a traditional, "closed" relationship, an open relationship relaxes the rules on monogamy.

"I love Max, but I think we'd both benefit from a bit more sexual freedom. I'm thinking of asking him for an open relationship."

PANSEXUAL

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: pan-SEK-shoo-ull

Some people, for whatever reason believe that the term bisexual doesn't apply to them. Maybe they're a woman who's attracted to women, men, and nonbinary people. Or maybe they feel like their sexuality is too fluid for a simpler label. Some people have adopted pansexual because it doesn't reinforce the gender binary through its name.

Etymology: Pan-, meaning all; someone who is attracted to all persons and genders.

"So are you still bisexual?" "Well, ever since my partner transitioned I feel like the word 'pansexual' suits me better, you know?"

PIE HUNTING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: PIE HUNT-ing

As you can probably deduce, pie hunting is an unsavory dating phenomenon in which a person (the "hunter") deliberately dates "pies", or heartbroken, vulnerable people with messy dating histories, who are perceived to be easier and lower-maintenance.

Etymology: A "pie" is a person with a disastrous dating history familiar with rejection and heartbreak. It comes from "pied off", British slang for being stood up or dumped.

"Dave only ever dates divorcees. He's a real pie-hunter."

POLYAMOROUS

aka Poly

Identity / Dating

Pronunciation: paw-lee-AM-oh-riss

In its various forms, polyamory has been a part of human culture for millennia, particularly in the form of polygamous marriages, but it's enjoying a resurgence in modern dating culture as millennials (children of divorce faced with untold levels of choice) break with monogamous tradition and begin exploring their options. It's not a free-for-all — there are still rules, and cheating does exist — but consensually dating (and loving) multiple people at once could represent the future of dating.

Etymology: Polyamorous comes from the Greek poly (many) and amor (love), meaning many loves.

"To be honest, Camille and I are thinking of experimenting with being polyamorous."

QUEER

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: KWEER

The word has been reclaimed by those communities as a positive term. 'Queer' is often treated as the 'umbrella' term under which gay men, pansexual non-binary persons, and people experimenting with their sexuality can come together under. It's a term of solidarity to foster community between sexuality-and-gender-diverse persons. Queer is one of the more amorphous terms on this list, and is used by queer persons to describe themselves. So what does it mean? Basically, 'not straight', in any flavor you like, and usually with a slightly more radical edge.

Etymology: Originally meaning 'strange', 'queer' was used for years as a slur against non-normative sexualities.

"Not gay as in happy, but queer as in 'screw off.'"

REDPILL

Identity / Celibacy

Pronunciation: RED-pill

If you decide, once and for all, that women are bad and society is set up in such a way to privilege them over men at every turn, you're completely off your rocker — but you've also had a redpill moment. You'll probably want to head to Reddit and swap stories with other incels and MGTOWs about how women are ruining your lives.

Etymology: Redpilling is named for the scene in The Matrix when Morpheus offers Neo the choice between taking a red pill and a blue pill — with the red one representing the horrifying truth and the blue, blissful ignorance.

"Yeah, my brother totally got redpilled in his first year at college. Yikes."

ROACHING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: ROW-ching

Roaching is a new dating trend where people hide the fact that they're dating around from a new partner and, when confronted, claim to have simply been under the assumption that there was no implication of monogamy to begin with. In today's more poly-friendly dating culture, this is a slick tactic to shift the blame to the person confronting them, but the truth is it's both parties' responsibility to be at least baseline open about seeing other people if that's the case. Roaching, as a result, deeply messed up.

Etymology: Roaching refers to the adage that if you see one cockroach, there are a ton more that you don't see — just like this person's sneaky side-dealings.

"So it turned out he'd been seeing like, six other girls the whole time!" "Damn, Tina. You got roached."

SAPIOSEXUAL

Identity / Dating

Pronunciation: SAY-pee-oh-SEK-shoo-ull

Perhaps most infamous for the time Tinder CEO Sean Rad confused it with the word "sodomy," sapiosexual is a word that's gained increasing currency in recent years. Meaning someone who's turned on by a person's mind rather than physical appearance, it's a neat marriage of style and substance, as only huge nerds would dare self-identify as sapiosexuals. Not to be confused with any of the other sexualities, this isn't a clinical definition of an innate quality, merely a descriptor meant to state a preference.

Etymology: The "sapio" part comes from the Latin word "sapiens," which means "mind."

"What really entices me about a woman... is her mind. Yes, you could call me a sapiosexual."

SEVERAL-NIGHT STAND

Sex / Trend

Pronunciation: SEV-rull NITE STAND

If the one-night stand was a product of the 20th century's loosening sexual mores, the several-night stand is a distinctly 21st-century invention. For people who care about someone else enough to sleep with them multiple times but not enough to take it past that, it's an arrangement that necessitates the hyper-connectedness and smorgasbörd of choice that our phones now offer us. Your drunken hookup is just a text away; but exclusivity seems foolish when your next drunken hookup might also be just a text away.

"Well, we kept on texting each other 'u up' every evening and it basically turned into a several-night stand."

SEX INTERVIEW

Sex / Trend

Pronunciation: SECKS INN-tur-vyou

Have you ever had sex with someone before going on a real date with them? Then you've engaged in a sex interview, my friend! Sex researchers (yes, that's a real job) coined the term in 2015 to describe the practice, which is increasingly popular among millennials who are less shy about sex and more interested in weeding out incompatible lovers than so-so conversationalists. If you have high standards for sex, it makes a lot of sense — the possibility of developing real intimacy and chemistry with someone only to discover you're nothing alike in bed is a real turn-off of its own.

"So what's the deal with you and Brandon? Is that happening?" "Nah. He's still messaging me, but to be honest, he failed his sex interview."

SEX ROBOTS

Sex / Trend

Pronunciation: SEX ROW-bots

The future of masturbation? The future of sex work? The future of sex? The future of... relationships, period? The concept of a sex robot has been around for a long time, but recent years, big strides forward in AI and robot tech mean that you could, in theory, shack up with a robot and eschew human contact entirely in the near future.

Etymology: The word robot comes to us from the Czech language — in which it means slave. The phrase "sex robot" becomes slightly unsettling, in that context.

"Honestly, I'm thinking of quitting the whole dating scene and just getting a sex robot."

SITUATIONSHIP

Dating / Type

Pronunciation: SIT-chew-AY-shun-ship

In use on Black Twitter since at least 2014, a "situationship" is Facebook's "It's Complicated" relationship status come to life. Similar to a casual relationship, a situationship is a sexual relationship that stops short of constituting a serious relationship, but it's not nothing either.

Etymology: It's not a friendship, or a relationship, but something in between: it's a situationship.

"So what's the deal with you and Molly now? Are you together?" "I don't know, man. It's a situationship."

SLOW FADE

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: SLOW fade

The slow fade is the process of ending a lackluster relationship or fling by gradually reducing contact and response times. Like a smoother version of breadcrumbing, the person doing the fading will taper off contact, like gradually turning down the volume on a song and starting a new one without anyone noticing.

Etymology: Similar to breadcrumbing, the slow fade is letting someone down gently… without actually saying so.

"I want to end things with Lee, but I can't stand the idea of hurting him. I think I'm gonna do the slow fade."

SNACK

Identity / Dating

Pronunciation: SNAK

A snack is a babe, a honey, a stunner, a smokeshow, a jaw-dropping vision. A snack inspires DM slides and thirsty texts. A snack is a powerful force in the universe whose mere presence can cause those in proximity to them to lose their minds entirely. In short, a snack is someone so attractive, you almost want to eat them right up. Of course, some snacks are SO attractive, you have to call them a full meal. Because let's be real, Beyoncé is more than a handful of tortilla chips.

"God damn, did you see that babe who just walked by?" "Yeah, man, that girl was a snack!"

STASHING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: STA-shing

"Stashing" is when a person won't introduce the person they're seeing to anyone in their lives, and doesn't mention their existence on social media. The "stashed" partner is kept hidden from view and stashing is a classic move of the commitment-averse.

Etymology: Stashing a partner is hiding them away from public view, like a squirrel stashing nuts in a tree.

"Maria won't introduce me to any of her friends or family. I think I'm being stashed."

STEALTHING

Sex / Trend

Pronunciation: STELL-thing

With all the cute names, it's easy to forget sometimes that not all dating trends are created equal. Take stealthing, for example, which is just a form of sexual assault. Named for when guys surreptitiously remove a condom mid-sexual act, enabling them to finish the deed unprotected, stealthing is a horrifying reminder that consent and sexual health education are woefully lacking in modern society.

Etymology: Stealthing is necessarily a sneaky move, since it involves removing the condom and keeping it a secret.

"When we started, he was wearing a condom, but halfway through I realized he wasn't!" "Oh my God, he stealthed you?

STRAIGHT

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: STRATE

Straight persons are attracted to, date, or have sex with only members of the 'opposite' gender. Some people might have crushes on the same gender as themselves, but never follow through, and still identify as straight. Sexuality is wild, man!

Etymology: Straight means heterosexual, mostly.

"I'm flattered you'd think to ask me out, Zander, but I'm straight."

SUBMARINING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: sub-muh-REE-ning

Did you just get haunted, or zombied, but it felt even worse than usual? Maybe you were submarined! Submarining is when your old flame pops back up in your life after a lengthy period of silence, but rather than copping to the disappearance, simply acts as if dipping without warning is normal behavior. This person knows they have you wrapped around their finger, so why put in the effort to apologize or explain? They don't need to! If you're getting submarined, pro tip: Get out of there before the whole thing sinks.

Etymology: Submarines go underwater... and the occasionally pop back up to the surface! That's normal behavior for them.

"So after disappearing for two months, she just pops right back up!" "Damn... she submarined you!

SUMMER FLING

Dating / Type

Pronunciation: SUM-mer FLING

The counterpart to cuffing season, summer flings are casual relationships that end once the leaves start to turn brown again. Summer flings often start on vacations and end when the other person has to go home, and tend to be of the "short and sweet" variety.

Etymology: This one's not rocket science: a summer fling is a short, informal relationship over the warmer months.

"I had such a good time with Nicole in Cabo but it was definitely just a summer fling."

SWINGER

Identity / Dating

Pronunciation: SWING-ur

The de facto term for consensually sleeping with someone outside of your marriage while your partner does the same, swinging has lost some cultural currency in recent years as millennials opt for the "poly" lifestyle instead. Still, swinging is alive and well for Gen Xers taking advantage of increasingly liberal sexual mores as society shifts slowly away from the restrictive confines of absolute monogamy and towards something a little bit more flexible.

Etymology: Swingers are people who 'swing' from one sexual partnership (their spouse) to another.

"Yeah, this married couple asked us if we wanted to come to a swingers party with them."'

SWIPING

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: SWHY-ping

Swiping, swiping, swiping. For some singles, it might be difficult to conceive of any other way, but it's worth remembering that swiping didn't even really exist before 2012. Unless you've been living under a rock (and if so: congratulations, you lucky duck), you'll know that swiping is the physical interaction you have with your phone (a single finger moves intentionally across a thin piece of glass covering an electronic brain) when deciding whether you're attracted to someone's profile picture or not. From Tinder it spread to Bumble and a few thousand copycat apps. It'll be replaced eventually, but until then, swiping is how we as a culture perform love — or at least our aspirations thereto.

"No plans tonight... I'm just going to stay home, re-download Tinder and swipe myself silly."

THIRST TRAP

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: THURST trap

In the natural world, spiders have webs, and millennials have thirst traps. They're intentionally sexually provocative pictures posted on social media in order to ensnare hapless scrollers-by. Often, such pictures will draw way more likes than their typical posts, as thirsty people rush to offer their likes as sacrifices to an uncaring god. These can be a great ego boost for the thirst trapper, but the high tends not to last. Then you're back on the timeline, thirst trapping again for your next fix.

Etymology: Thirst is desire, sexual or romantic, that tends to be unreturned; a trap is how you catch unsuspecting victims.

"Damn, did you see Sheila's selfie last night? That outfit was wild!" "Yep, that was a real thirst trap."

TINDSTAGRAMMING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: TIND-stuh-gram-ming

Tindstagramming is the process of contacting someone through Instagram's direct messaging feature after you have seen them on Tinder but not become a match. It's an annoying and generally poorly-received way of bypassing a left-swipe, and women in particular get fatigued by the messages that pile up in their "Other" folder when they link their Instagram account to their Tinder profile.

Etymology: A mashup of "Tinder" and "Instagramming," Tindstagrammers try to make the most of both platforms.

"I have 10 new messages in my Other folder on Instagram! These Tindstagrammers won't leave me alone."

TRANSGENDER

Identity / Gender

Pronunciation: trans-JEN-der

At birth, (even before, if you've ever been to a gender reveal party), pretty much all of us are assigned a gender, whether by our doctor, our parents, or society. Transgender or trans persons are those whose actual gender is different from the one they were assigned. Some trans people undergo surgery or take hormones to have their sex characteristics better match their gender, but not everyone does! Transgender, or trans, like queer is often an umbrella for those with diverse genders.

Etymology: Trans-, meaning across or beyond, plus gender

"So I hear Paul's cousin is transgendered now." "Actually, she's just transgender — no 'ed' necessary!"

TURKEY DUMP

Dating / Type

Pronunciation: TUR-key DUMP

Another seasonal relationship event, turkey dumping is common among college students, many of whom are in long distance relationships with people they knew in high school or from their home towns. The turkey dump happens after one person in the relationship returns back to college after Thanksgiving and realises it's too difficult to keep things going.

Etymology: So-named because it's a breakup that occurs after the Thanksgiving break.

"I had such a good time with Jake while he was home for Thanksgiving, but he broke up with me as soon as he got back to campus. I got turkey dumped."

All illustrations by Graeme Adams.

Source: https://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice/internet-dating-slang-terms.html

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risprinabeachw-blog · 6 years ago

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dorothydelgadillo · 7 years ago

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Hit Refresh: Landing the Damn Job

We’re back with another episode of our podcast Hit Refresh. You can listen on iTunes, Soundcloud, Stitcher, Overcast, our site, or wherever you get your podcasts.

There’s so much at stake when it comes to finding a job—it’s your livelihood, how you spend your entire days, the amount of money you make, and a major way to contribute to the world.

And, the job search has so many minefields: Where do you even look for jobs? How do you know if you’re qualified? What should you put on your resume? And how do you handle the interview? For this episode, we partnered with the biggest name in job hunting—Glassdoor, whose editorial director Amy Elisa Jackson walks us through the nitty-gritty of landing a job. (And, check out our reading list for a guide with bonus information from Amy Elisa on nailing the job hunt.

And in Act II, we address the part of the job search that nobody likes: networking. The inimitable Jen Dziura of Get Bullish convinces our most stubborn producer that networking isn’t just a necessary evil—it’s actually fun.

Please let us know what you think of the podcast! We’d LOVE it if you could write us a review on iTunes. We’ll read every single one!

***

Landing the Damn Job Transcript

Amy Elisa Jackson: It is very much a job seeker’s market right now: The unemployment rate is low, companies are hiring like crazy and they want talented, engaged individuals to join their ranks, and this is true from Alabama to Austin to—you know—Syracuse. Everywhere is hiring right now. So the ball is really in the job seeker’s court. It’s a good time to be working in America.

Introduction: Let’s Get Technical

Instrumental theme music.

Adda Birnir: This is Hit Refresh, a podcast for anyone who’s stuck and needs a fresh start. I’m Adda Birnir, a self-taught coder, educator, and CEO & Founder of Skillcrush—an interactive learning community that teaches total beginners the tech skills they need to get into better, higher paying careers with real mobility.

Twice a month, we talk about what it look likes to work in tech and why I think that learning tech skills is the single best career decision any forward-thinking professional can make.

But when I say working in tech, I’m not talking about moving to Silicon Valley, or getting a computer science degree, or magically transforming into a young white guy wearing a hoodie and coding all night. Because at Skillcrush, we know that tech is for EVERYONE.

* * * * *

Job hunting is…nobody’s favorite thing to do. There’s so much at stake. We’re talking your livelihood, what you do all day long, how much money you make, how you’re contributing to the world. . . Oof!

And there are so many moving parts and important, but small, details: Where do you look for jobs? How do you know if you’re qualified? What should your resume say? And what about the interview?! It’s enough to make anyone tear their hair out.

So if you are currently looking for a new job, I want you to know that if what you’re doing feels hard, it’s because it is hard. But you’re not in this alone.

As you might guess, I’m constantly talking to our students about looking for jobs. And whenever I get the chance to talk to a student who’s looking for work, I always tell them them my best piece of job hunting advice, even though I know it’s the hardest advice to follow: You should approach your job search like a learning experience, where you test and learn until you get it right. And most importantly, don’t judge yourself as you go through the process.

Try not to think about each new job you apply to as the one—the job to end all jobs, the job that will solve all your problems. Because even if it feels true at the time, there is no job that will solve all your problems. Nothing will solve all your problems. Let me just break it to you right now: Being alive means having problems, no matter what your job is.

Alright, now that I’ve lectured to you about your job-hunting mindset, it’s time for some nitty-gritty tactics on how to nail the job hunt. Our producers Julia Sonenshein and Haele Wolfe have the story.

Act 1: The Nuts and Bolts

Haele Wolfe: The job search can be overwhelming and full of anxiety. And it can be doubly so if you’ve been out of the game for a while, or if you’re changing careers. I’m relatively new to Skillcrush, and I remember that when I was on the job market, I couldn’t find concrete answers to my questions about what it looks like to land a job. So. . . I went and got answers to every question I had.

Amy Elisa: Awesome. Well my name is Amy Elisa Jackson and I am the editorial director here at Glassdoor.

Haele: Amy Elisa ran me through the specifics—beginning with basics. How do you even start to look for a job?

Amy Elisa: I do think that when before you kind of start your job search process, really getting clear about what you want is the first step. Do you want an open office environment? Do you want a closed door? Do you want a casual environment? And that’s true for the senior executive for the intern or new hire. You always wanna take a look at what interests you most—not just in terms of skill and job description—but also how you want to spend your days.

Haele: Like I said: basics. It’s important to note here that there are a lot of little, practical things to remember when beginning your job search. Like, when you’re reading job descriptions, how many of the qualifications should you fit? How much should you assume you can learn on the fly? This is particularly important for women. We usually apply to jobs only if we are 100 percent qualified for them. While guys, tend to wing it a little more—and there’s hard data to back that up. I’ll let Julia explain.

Julia Sonenshein: Just popping in to say that this is a real thing— an internal Hewlett Packard found that men tend to apply for jobs when they meet only 60 percent of the qualifications, but women apply only if they meet 100 percent of them. To quote Huffington Post editor Chloe Angyl, “Lord, give me the confidence of one white man who has read one book on the topic”. Back to Amy Elisa and Haele.

Amy Elisa: I personally really recommend that a job seeker try to match about 80 percent of the qualifications. I think that’s a safe zone where you’re confident that you could perform the job but you’d also be able to kind of stretch and learn that extra 20 percent. Some qualifications have a little wiggle room like the number of years of experience. However, some areas are set in stone. For example, if you’re applying to a sales manager position but you have no sales experience, you probably shouldn’t apply. But if it’s just a regular sales role, you can definitely wing it.

Haele: Okay so once you’ve found this listing, what do you with your resume? Do you just like send it in? Amy Elisa says not so fast. . .in fact, she has three key resume tips:

Amy Elisa: I’ve interviewed dozens of recruiters and hiring managers and they say that a winning resume has a few amazing qualities.

Haele: Okay, #1: Your resume needs to quantify your impact.

Amy Elisa: So you’ve gotta really make it obvious with data how you have impacted the business and work you’ve done previously. And so even if you are new to the field or job market, you can quantify your impact in college classes, or other work, volunteering, etc.

Haele: #2: Customize your resume for each and every job.

Amy Elisa: You want relevant skills and experience on your resume. These days, it’s key to have a resume that’s customized to the role you’re applying for. You should include some of the same language from the job descriptions around skills and responsibilities into the resume that you’re using to apply for this job. So, of course you should be honest, but, you should make sure that the skills you have and that you’re presenting on your resume line up with the job description.

Haele: #3: Make SURE it’s easy to read.

Amy Elisa: All recruiters and hiring managers love a well organized and formatted resume. It should be very clear, very concise—don’t go crazy with etsy downloadable templates—I love them too but fight the feeling. You want it to be simple and consistent. And lastly, the thing that we all take for granted when we’re job searching is spelling and grammar and accuracy. Spell check multiple times and have a friend review your resume.

Haele: If you’re furiously taking notes right now, don’t panic—we partnered with Amy Elisa and Glassdoor to make a free, downloadable guide with all of this info. Just head to skillcrush.com/newjob.

Haele: Okay great. So, you sent in your resume, you heard back, now you have the interview. How do you prepare for the interview, especially if you are a nervous person like I am?

Amy Elisa: So we all get nerves. We are all anxious before the interview. But what recruiters and hiring managers that I talk to say is they really want informed candidates and those informed candidates: people who are well researched, engaged, and have the right qualifications. So you’ve done your research, you know what it is you really want, and you really do like this company. A lot of people fail to do this but it’s important.

Haele: Okay, but how do you get informed about a company? Good news. It’s as simple as a quick Google search and a little bit of time spent on social media.

Amy Elisa: Check out their Twitter handle. What are they saying on LinkedIn? What’s the latest article about them in the New York Times? And so making sure in your preparation before the interview that you’re as informed about a company as possible will make you a better candidate and more likely to be hired.

Haele: The other big thing in preparing for an interview is. . .

Amy Elisa: Practice, practice, practice.

You should also prepare anecdotes about you know, how you solved a challenging problem at work or about how you would talk about that gap in your resume or why your skills from profession are transferable to this new field.

Haele: Great. Now, what else should you be looking out for during your interview?

Amy Elisa: One of the biggest mistakes that job seekers make when they are in an interview is that they forget to ask informed questions of their hiring manager or the people that they’re interviewing with. Like, how does this position to the larger organization’s success? Or, can you walk me through your typical workday? How does employee feedback get incorporated into the day-to-day?

Haele: Amy Elisa is such an expert, I had to ask her opinion on how to deal with my own personal point of anxiety when it comes to job interviews. How the heck do you respond when someone asks: What’s your greatest weakness? Ugh.

Amy Elisa: Aghhhh! The what’s your greatest weakness question is one that gets everyone. It’s tricky because you don’t have to give a gimmicky answer about sort of “Oh, my biggest weakness is I’m a perfectionist or I’m a workaholic.” That is not honest, and the recruiter or the hiring manager will know that that is not it. So instead of softballing this, you really want to focus on what is a weakness that you really wanna work on. Perhaps a weakness is that you’re not as good at coding as you wanna be and so currently you’re enrolled in a SQL training course. You want to make sure that they don’t think it’s something that is a shortcoming you aren’t trying to address or don’t want to fix. And so identify that weakness and then say how you’re trying to remedy it or how you have been working towards improving. No need to panic when you get the what’s your greatest weakness question.

Haele: It’s all about balance. The best way to address these moments of anxiety, is to put them in the context of where you’re applying and what you want to do, and then attack them in a very logical way. Got it! So, I listened to most of this podcast, I fixed my resume, and had a great interview. I’m laying in bed coming down from that high, and I am trying to formulate the follow up email in my head. What am I gonna write?

Amy Elisa: If your grandmother did not teach you, a thank you note goes a long way. Okay, so when you’re in your interview, you should be sure to get the contact information of all of your interviewers at the end of the interview. I know that seems like overwhelming especially in a panel interview where’s there’s probably six people in the room, but don’t hesitate to ask because you want to follow up with each of the people that you’ve interviewed with. You really want to thank each interviewer and for the opportunity that they provided in taking time to speak with you and then don’t hesitate to include a reference about something you two spoke about. So you should send that follow up email either that night or the next morning. You want to stay on their minds and reinforce why you’re a perfect fit for the job.

Haele: There’s one more thing I wanted to address with Amy Elisa. But what about those of us re-entering the workforce? Let’s face it: There’s a lot of anxiety around coming back onto the job market after a break, or around transitioning from one field to another. What’s the secret to starting strong and setting yourself up for success?

Amy Elisa: One of the the first things i would suggest a transitioner do is really write down those hard and soft skills, those skills that you have, whether that’s good communication which is an example of a soft skill or a technical skill such as Python or you know being able to operate a certain type of machinery or a certification you’ve received. There’s nothing better than a boost when you’re kind of looking at a sheet of paper that’s got all your skills and you’re like, “You know what? I’m kind of a badass, like I do have something to offer!” Don’t hesitate to talk to other career transitioners. You know, you can see what other people have done either through social media or talking to friends or mentors.

Don’t think that you’re the only one in that boat. So many people are transitioning careers or are coming back into the career space, the professional space either from raising children or traveling or taking care of an elderly parent.

Haele: Feeling ready to get hired? Don’t worry, we’ve still got one more segment to get you prepped for finding your dream career. Right, Julia?

Julia: Hey. . .When we come back, we’ll tackle my least favorite thing: networking. Apparently, it doesn’t have to be painful at all. We’ll see.

Act 2: Ugh, Networking

Julia: Okay, so Amy Elisa mentioned reaching out to people, which sounds suspiciously like networking, which is blech. . . Haele: I bet in ten minutes or less I could change your mind about networking. Julia: Are we betting money?

Jen Dziura: Hi, this is Jen Dziura from Get Bullish, for feminist productivity badasses.

Haele: Jen has been giving her brand of aggressive lady advice for years now, as a writer, educator, speaker, mentor—you name it. She also writes Slay and Get Paid, a monthly column on Skillcrush’s blog, which is your go to for that freelance life.

Haele: How’s your day going? Jen: It’s pretty good. Yeah, how about yourself? Haele: It’s been really nice. I’m just kind of enjoying cozying up because the weather is so cold. Jen: Yeah, terrible. Not looking forward.

Julia: Haele, this is kind of a long intro we can probably cut it— Haele: Just stick with it! Give it a sec.

Jen: I actually bought some snow pants the other day, like actual ski pants with the little overalls attached. Haele: Nice.

Julia: Okay, yeah, we can keep rolling on that.

Jen: —and I have never skied and I have no intention of ever skiing. It does not sound like fun, but I’m going to wear the ski pants. I’m just going to wear them. And I’m going to make them look good. It’s going to be an awesome look for me, but I’m going to be wearing the ski pants all winter. Haele: That’s great news. I’m really happy to hear that. Laughs. Jen: It’s my new thing. Haele: After the ski pant segue, I think that’s a really natural segue to talk about networking. Both laugh.

Haele: Okay, so, Julia, you’re obviously not alone in hating networking—for maybe obvious reasons.

Jen: I mean, it’s awful. Of course people don’t like things that are objectively terrible. Like let’s stand around and have awkward conversations with strangers where we pretend we don’t want something from them but we kind of do and also like you’re drinking out of a plastic cup usually. And I think it’s totally justified if you acknowledge that most networking events are pretty terrible.

Julia: Yes! Okay. It’s terrible. Let’s throw the whole thing out. Haele: Enh, keep your ski pants on.

Jen: Um, But, I think there’s a really big difference between networking events and networking, and I think there are a lot of other options that are more palatable and more honest, more enjoyable, and involves sitting. More sitting. Haele: Laughs. Okay, Great. Jen: Okay. So, there are lots and lots of things that you can do. Let’s just start with social media. You know, you’re sitting at your desk, you’re probably doing it already, you’re on your couch, your phone, whatever. Have you ever heard of like, reading a book? And then, like, you know tweeting an intelligent question at the person who wrote it. You know like, that’s a great way to start networking. I would say compliments in general are a great way to network. It doesn’t have to be authors, it doesn’t have to be famous people, it can be people who wrote articles, people who wrote blog posts, just people who you saw speak at an event. Tweeting compliments and questions at people is a great idea. And of course you know people enjoy when you promote their things for them, or you tweet just about them and don’t even demand anything—you know you post on LinkedIn that you really enjoyed their book or something like that. All of that is networking. If you can, rather than just kind of cheerleading in the background, if you can you actually engage in some kind of one-on-one interaction with the person, and you know I really enjoyed your article, I have a question, would you mind if i quoted your article in my article, or, do you ever speak at an event in Chicago? Any of those kinds of things where you have a little bit of a one-on-one interaction, I mean frankly the person is more likely to remember that than they are to remember shaking hands with you at an event where they shook hands with 20 other people. So, all of those things count. And I mean that’s stuff you can do with no pants.

Julia: Stuff you can do with no pants is really speaking to me. Haele: I thought it might. Okay, so then, there’s ways to actually host your own networking event in a totally not awful way.

Jen: You know another thing I think is really underrated as a networking possibility is hosting your own event and I’m saying this from the perspective of somebody who’s probably not a social butterfly and doesn’t want to put on a party. My friend Jennifer Wright has been running an article club for a couple of years, and an article club is exactly what it sounds like: It’s like a book club but you read articles and often times the articles are things that are related to business or related to you know, generally like articles about feminism in the Atlantic, that kind of thing. And you know, that’s the kind of thing where I go to Jennifer’s apartment and maybe 10 people are sitting around her couch and there are mini cupcakes and there’s wine and we talk about articles in the Atlantic. You know? And that is so much more palatable to me, because there’s sitting, right? There’s people that I already know. No one shakes hands that would be weird, and it’s a great time.

Julia: Why aren’t we part of one of these? Haele: We’d have to put pants on. Julia: Fair point.

Jen: Hosting your own event can be a fantastic to way to network and honestly if what you host is a brunch at a restaurant, uh how many people do you need to have a good brunch? Like, three? You know? Five? that’s a great number. That’s all you have to do.

You know, if you are a big introvert, you really just need like one or two extroverts in your life that you invite to these things. You like, kind of send them an email every now and then. There are some people who live to send introductions to people and hook everybody up—that’s their thing. And, if that’s not you, you don’t have to make that you, but you want to just know a few of those people. If you invite somebody like that to your brunch or your article club, they’re probably going to show up late and leave early cause they have a lot of other events, and that’s okay—we can all be different. Laughs. Uh, you know, that your introverted friends and co-workers are going to have a long, leisurely brunch discussion about, you know, whatever the topic is, and your extroverts friends or colleagues are gonna pop in but then they’re gonna hit you later with emails with 100 contacts or something like that, and it takes all kinds.

Haele: I think that what Jen also makes clear is that something many of us hate about the idea of networking is interacting with strangers in this nebulous blech world of pitching ourselves to them. Julia: No, thank you.

Jen: Ughhhhh. The worst! The absolute worst. And you know, the elevator pitch thing. You know, I’m pretty good on my feet, if you ask me for an elevator pitch I’ll pull one out of my ass, you know, like sure. But I would much rather be in a room with people or sitting at brunch with people who already know who I am. Because they’ve read something that I wrote or they heard me on this podcast. Or we have been retweeting each other for years. And that’s really possible. You don’t have to be a famous person or a jackass. You know like, “Everybody knows my name before I walk into a room.” I think if you said that in 1995 you’re a jackass. or you’re just genuinely really famous. But in 2017 and beyond, that’s completely reasonable. And I just don’t think that the elevator pitch to strangers thing is as fundamental a piece of the mix as it would have been in 1995. Haele: The pathways between us have changed so in some ways, we’re way more reachable to each other. Jen: Absolutely. Haele: So, the idea here is that networking can look a ton of different ways, and it’s about finding the right one for you. Jen: Sure, you know I would say for anybody, network is something that should be somewhere on your calendar, and for some people that might be four conferences a year. For some people, that might be an hour a week on Twitter. So, you need to have, I would say, sit down and say “If I were going to add something to my calendar now that is networking, what would be realistic and what would I not hate?” So, if you’re gonna put like, “Yes! I’m gonna go to three networking events in the evening, in my town, in the winter, and I’m gonna shake hands.” If you hate yourself as you’re putting it in your calendar, then don’t put that in your calendar.

Julia: Okay, how would I decide what’s best for me? Haele: It depends.

Jen: You know, it’s a great question. I mean if I think a lot of times this really just varies based on where you live, what the environment is. When I lived—so I live in New York right now and when I go to something that’s called a networking event it’s often a party and dudes hit on you and they’re all are all women networking events which I like a lot more, but, there’s definitely more of a social life and work really blend together and that’s just a New York kind of thing. When I lived in Virginia, I used to run a web development company in Norfolk Virginia and networking events there were held in very well lit places at like 5pm and everyone was shaking hands and like exchanging business cards and you know sometimes dudes would still hit on your and like nevertheless…Laughs…there was a cheese plate and everyone left at 6:45 laughs it was really specifically more of a work event uh….wow that was a really evocative memory and I forgot what the question is quite frankly. Both laugh.

Jen: So anyways, people sometimes look at networking as something that you just should do just because it’s virtuous and it’s helpful to have a golden line. So if you’re in more of an unfocused part of your career, like you’re just kind of looking for new opportunities, you’re not sure what they’re going to be, then Ii would say you want to get out there and you want to probably want to go to events that have nothing to do with you and just try to meet a variety of people. If you’re looking to just build a sales pipeline, you don’t need to hide that. It’s perfectly acceptable to say to people you know you can hang out people and meet cool new friends and you can say “My ideal client is a real estate agent who is looking to put their listings online” or something like that. Just tell people that in a really direct way. Like, you’re not sneaking it in there.

Haele: Did you catch that? Jen just brought up a super interesting point about why you might hate networking. Julia: Because it’s pure misery? Haele: I mean yeah, but also for a reason you’re going to find super compelling: socialization.

Jen: Something that I’ve noticed over many years of you know what I have been doing in writing about careers and business and giving advice there’s just, I see a lot of—there’s something about being socialized female, I don’t know, but people who act sneaky about things that they don’t have to be sneaky about, like it’s a dirty secret that you’re selling something or that you have a business that you need customers for.

Julia: That is. . .so on point. We’re all told it’s gauche to talk about money, but especially marginalized people are told not to ask for what they want, not to take up space, etc. Of course networking feels gross—it’s a way of getting what you want, and we’re not supposed to. Haele: Totally. Julia: It’s like how when I was first starting out, I used to follow up on late invoices by starting with “Sorry.” Haele: It’s funny you should mention that. . .

Jen: In one case, I actually had someone I was working with at a publication and I had sent an invoice and the invoice was late and I said “Hey, can you check on up on this with accounting and make sure the invoice gets paid?” And she said “Oh, I went to the accounting office and like snuck the paper onto the top of the stack of papers.” You know? Like she was really doing me a solid by sneaking this piece of paper. And I’m like No! There’s no secret here! There’s nothing sneaky! Nobody’s doing anything wrong! Don’t act like you’re doing something wrong when you’re not doing something wrong. So it’s just behavior that I see a lot. And occasionally find myself doing something like that and I say “Cut it out,” you know like there’s nothing wrong with having a business and wanting customers who pay you money for value that you provide.

Haele: I mean, how can you not believe Jen? Networking actually isn’t the worst. Julia: Yeah, she makes a very compelling case and it doesn’t sound gross, I don’t know. She described things that sound like fun. Haele: Yeah, exactly. So do you believe me now? Julia: How much money did we put on this?

* * * * *

Adda: So, as you’ve heard, interviewing for jobs is like dating. Networking is just about making friends. And just like dating and making friends it’s complicated and messy, but also exciting and fun.

And it’s okay to have lots of feelings about it. It’s okay to be nervous.

But try to think about every job interview like a 30 minute 1-on-1 mentoring session with a person currently working in the industry who has tons of knowledge. It’s an opportunity.

This way, even if you don’t get the job, you’ve networked and learned from them, which will make you better prepared for you next job interview.

The thing that I love most about working in tech is that it’s taught me to truly embrace the iterative nature of everything—we roll out new versions of our classes and website constantly, trying tiny tweaks here and big changes there to see what works best. Treat the job hunt—heck, treat your entire career—exactly the same way: something that you can test and refine until you find the perfect fit.

You always start small. Everyone always starts small.

Maybe you’re starting with no marketable skills. I honestly doubt that that’s true, but even if it were true, that’s totally okay! Start looking at jobs you’re interested in and use them as your guide for what to learn.

Maybe you go to a job interview and realize halfway through that you’re in no way qualified for the job. That’s totally okay, too!

Just make sure you leave the interview understanding what it would take to be qualified, and then use that information to make a game plan.

Maybe you don’t know a single person in the industry you want to go into. And guess what? That too is totally okay! Yes, you’ve got your networking work cut out for you, but as you’ve heard, it’s not as difficult as you probably thought.

We’re all one iterative work-in-progress. And don’t think about that like it means you’re not good enough. Think about it as keeping things fun. Trying new things and getting better is never boring. So go out there and start applying. You’ve totally got this.

Haele: We’re produced by me—Haele Wolfe—and Julia Sun-en-shine. We’re edited and our music is composed by Arlen Ginsburg. Our art is by Monalisa Kabos. Huge thanks to Amy Elisa Jackson from Glassdoor for walking us through the interview process—and you can get more of her critical tips at skillcrush.com/newjob. Jen Dzuira somehow convinced Julia that networking can be fun, and she has an amazing online store with patriarchy-smashing products over at shop.getbullish.com. I’m going to use the money I won off that networking bet to treat myself and to do some holiday shopping.

Shoutout to our whole crew at Skillcrush—especially to Laura and Libby who work so hard as career counselors to our students. We love you.

You can find us on iTunes, Soundcloud, Stitcher, or wherever you get your podcasts. Subscribe and PLEASE leave us a review. We read every single one. We also want to let you know that we make so much more content that can help you move forward in your career—whether you’re a total tech newbie or navigating your new skills on the job market. Come hang out with us at skillcrush.com/blog for articles, worksheets, guides, and even comics. Our newsletter is awesome, so be sure to sign up. We’re taking a break for the holidays, but we’ll be back with all new episodes in January. Thanks for closing out 2017 with us and we’ll see you next year.

from Web Developers World https://skillcrush.com/2017/12/13/how-to-land-a-job-podcast-interview-glassdoor/

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