#but I havent had a partner in YEAAAAARRRRSSSS | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

totallynormal-humanbeing · 6 days ago

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There’s gotta be a disorder out there thar describes my system,,, as much as Id love to be a case study, I dont want to be that guy™️ who is so fucked up he needs his own diagnosis

#mine #or maybe I would like to be that guy. maybe I would #nahhh. nah.#I honestly wonder if my OCPD is the reason I think I have NPD #Like Low empathy is a part of OCPD #Idk I just think people r not smart when they dont do things the right way- my way #OCPD skill issue for sure me thinks #like I just do not have any sort of grandiose self. sometimes I feel powerful. but not frequently #most of the time I feel quite indifferent about myself #Like my self esteem is low and I hate myself but idk. im not the center of my own thoughts #either way- ocpd or npd- i was in cluster b therapy for a year and a half which helped so much #i lost my sparkle /silly #No but that does have an part to play in alla this #I present fine ; like a good person #everyone I know says they think Im kind or compassionate but like. thats LEARNED behavior #My thought processes actually still cause me great distress. not truly caring about the people I love is just NOT NOTMAL #My bestie follows this account… SO HEY BESTIE… ignore this next bit bc it doesn’t apply to you #Like everyone could walk out of my life and I just straight up wouldn’t care. id be like ‘it was a waste of my time to know them’#ive had so many friends especially walk out that I barely get attached anymore!#I just got so used to it that I became indifferent to other people #they’re optional- I *choose* to let them in. I do fine without others- I almost prefer it to be that way!#but I cant stand to be alone. i just need one person in my life to cling onto #that person is USUALLY a partner because. i do hold partners above all relationships. its part of the heiarchy in my brain #but I havent had a partner in YEAAAAARRRRSSSS #Last person I was latched to was my ex best friend and that went…. about as expected!#Oh well…#someday someone will love me like I love them #(by love I mean become obsessively devoted to and wont let go)#well… love too but thats bc I have a diff definition of it #WHATEVER. WHATever. ENough rambling for one post

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