#but I have no space now and I’ll barely have the space for CZ when I move out next month

[detentiontrack]

Every day I look at kittens on petfinder and shelter social medias/websites and get sad

[theguywiththesixthsense-blog]

..

it is absolutely extraordinary how much just the mere presence of a person can affect every single part of your world so much. I have everything yet i have nothing. The emptyness and the void that fills up the space that occupied her eats up everything around me like a black hole. But then the key to everything is patience. The test has just begun. Patience is all there is left to do, yet my mind just keeps getting boggled with negative thoughts. My soft heart keeps getting whispers from everywhere, why am i doing this? Do i really need to do this? when i look at pictures of myself from not more than 24 hours ago, i ask myself these questions. So little has changed yet so much has been affected. One thing im sure of is that all these thoughts are acts of shaytaan and that i should avoid them or else it will defeat the entire purpose of this sacrifice. I know i am strong enough Alhamduillah to not give into these thoughts but i don’t know how long i’ll be able to hold myself. But i do believe in you Allah and i trust you and i hope i’ll have enough strength to hold myself for as long as you want me to. I know ya Allah that you will never burden a soul more than it can tolerate but please ya Allah please give me the strength to have patience. Make this time fly by like a breeze.

A little something i keep telling myself is that, she’s not going anywhere. She’s still here and im still here she’s not leaving the country or something she’s still in the same house as she was yesterday and im still in the same house as i was yesterday. Our phones are still with us and if we want we can start talking anytime, but we’re not going to do that and that is our choice. Because we want His help and i want to make Him happy. I think about all that and it kinda helps a little bit. 

The trick is definitely to stay involved in something or the other and not let the brain stay idle and think. 

So after college today i came home and instantly realized something was up when i saw mom’s face. Apparently mom and sis had an argument/fight over something. So i asked her and she didn’t want to give me details but all she said was that my sister wants to talk to him really badly and she can’t study properly without talking to him. When i heard this i immediately took it as a sign to go and tell them about my decision. so i went ahead and did and it was not easy at all ... i could barely speak but Alhamdulillah i managed to explain to them properly and my mom just ... felt sorry for me really. She was happy for me but was very VERY concerned at the same time about one thing which didn’t really enter my mind before, and that is how i handle things like these. She instantly replied with 

Shaheer i really love your decision but why now ? you have exams after a FEW days you will NOT be able to study like this why now ? i really didn’t have an answer apart from telling her how i thought i was dying the other day and i didn’t want to die like this and also that Allah will help me i believe in Him. 

I wish i could hug her ... but i didn’t want to show that im upset or anything because idk i feel like that is not what i should do i should be happy about deciding on something like this with the intention of ‘only for the sake of Allah’ but i couldnt even talk without bursting into tears so that defeats the whole purpose anyways i guess ._. meh whatever >_< 

After that i wanted to just keep myself busy somehow but all i can think of all the time is playing games which is what worries me so much and makes me think of what mom said. 

I have to get stronger. I just have to. I cant let myself break down. i have to be stronger for US. 

Didn’t play games though had to upload a 1gb video for mom TWICE cz i messed up the first time ;_; so instead just lied down and watched the zoolander 2 HONESTLY the most fucked up movie i’ve ever seen like .__. ugh whatever. Just came to my table now and i do feel a lot better than i was in the morning after typing all this. 

 Its isha time right now i can hear the mosque near me and the soothing voice of the imam. Honestly speaking when i stand for salah in front of Him, i feel a kind of comfort which even though lasts only for a very brief time, it feels really good. 

ok i REALLY have to pee now.