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theguywiththesixthsense-blog · 6 years ago

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No medicine cures what happinesses cannot

—Gabriel García Márquez

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theguywiththesixthsense-blog · 6 years ago

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Ever since happiness heard your name, it has been running through the streets trying to find you

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theguywiththesixthsense-blog · 6 years ago

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Day 378

This was supposed to be posted at day 365 but all hail my laziness.

It has been over a year now since i stopped talking to her. Everything just seemed wrong at the time, from the moment i opened my eyes in the morning till the last thought that crossed my mind before i passed out at night, everything just seemed unnecessary. Feelings like happiness, satisfaction, content and love seemed like a boat floating away in the distance with no signs of ever turning around. I was buried deep into darkness, and i had no idea how to come out of it. I just closed my eyes and blindly trusted Allah to guide me through everything because my decision to stop talking to her was solely to respect Him and to show Him that my love for Him is more than my love for his creation.

The first objective i focused on as soon as Ramadan finished last year was to focus on myself. To spend time trying to explore myself trying to find out who i am what are my limits what pleases me what displeases me, what are my dreams and what do i want from life, and i spent a whole year trying to figure those things out and somewhere in between she knocked me one day and asked me about what i was doing or IF i was even planning to do anything at all to move towards the idea of getting married. I told her that i didn’t have marriage in mind that time, i told her i was trying to figure myself out which i felt was more important before i take responsibility of another person in my life.

So it’s been over a year now and this is what i have learned about myself so far. I as a person cannot function like a normal human being alone, period. No matter what i try no matter how many methods i use, i just can’t. I learned that now matter what i do i cannot stay steadfast on something i start doing or something i want or need to do, and this ‘something’ includes basic human functions not something special. I can push myself and start a movement in my life to make things better but i cannot maintain that momentum at all no matter what it is, it will last for a maximum of one week and then i will eventually fall back to the pit of darkness i started. I cannot survive alone, it’s not a weakness in my personality that can be changed by a change of lifestyle and habits, that is just how i was raised.

So here I am after over a year, with new objectives and priorities in life, and that would be to make her my partner in life to bring her into my life to embed her as a part of my life as soon as possible. I cannot keep running away from my problems and bubble myself because i can’t fight the bubble alone, i need her with me as a part of me so we can fight it together and I still don’t know how or what i can do to make necessary steps towards that but i know what i want from life now. After over 4 years for the first time i go to bed and close my eyes and smile when i start to fall asleep, because i have a clear picture of what i want from life, and as days pass that picture never changes, i see the same thing every night and it makes me smile every single night Alhamdulillah.

Like i said i have no idea what the necessary steps would be towards achieving what i want from life, but i do have some ideas and i have already started to implement some of it in my life.The most important one of all would be to make my parents acknowledge the fact that i am not their 12 year old child anymore, i have grown up as an adult. Second would be to make them understand the fact that i cannot function alone, i need a partner to survive and i have to make them realize that from my actions because words will not be able to tell what my actions will make them experience and understand, and of course above all i need to keep making Dua’ keep asking Him for help and guidance. Third would be to sort things out with her parents and her family. I don’t know what place i have in their minds as of right now and it is very important to me that i know that if i ever want to get married to her. If it is not a good place i need to fix that before anything else because it’s not something that can be fixed over night. That is going to take a lot of time and so i need to make that my first priority as of right now, i don’t know how i will do this and honestly i just wish she could just magically think of some way to help me regarding this particularly because of how clueless i am about it.

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