#but I hated posting on TikTok and it made me anxious and I just realized | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

delectablegecko · 2 years ago

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I hate social media, although it's not that simple.

I find myself enjoying my experience on Snapchat. That is, until I swipe to the discover page. What the fuck am I to discover there? Endless and mindless scrolling? Tapping and tapping, just to see things not to enrich my life, but to merely pass time?

I think it's possible to always find something that's beneficial in every moment. It may be impossible to truly live in every moment like that, but there's always a possibility.

But then, I'm on my Tumblr feed, and it feels different.

I deleted my Facebook forever which in turn made it impossible for me to log into Instagram anymore. Although, I did stop using Instagram a few years before deleting my Facebook.

I'm never getting TikTok. YouTube shorts, the same exact thing, fucks with me in a bad way.

Twitter is, mostly terrible.

It's just so fake. So bullshit. So much bullshit.

That's what makes me realize that it isn't entirely about it being social media but rather, how people use it.

The tumblr live page at the top gives me that same feeling. I'm sure the people using it are expressing valuable things but I miss the old Tumblr. The experience was never broken by ads or a livestream. It was an uninterrupted flow of water. And the people. The people here just seem to post things that mean something.

That's why it's different. People are just here sharing things that directly enriches their lives.

Snapchat too. I use it to talk to my friends and easily share photos and videos. It feels more personal. I'm sending something that means something to me and I want to share with the people I care about and that care about me.

Tumblr feels personal too. I may not know the people, but we're all experiencing life in a similar way. I'm not sure what it is about it. That's just a feeling I have.

On Tumblr I can freely write without a care in the world. I couldn't give a rats ass about what people will think or say. I have freedom here. The freedom to be genuine and myself. The freedom to write.

The rest of them don't feel that way. It's so cold and uninviting. It's a sinkhole filled with desires and expectations. The lust for attention and reassurance.

Fucking bullshit.

I crave that attention and reassurance. I'm anxious a lot but I'm slowly finding ways to find reassurance within myself and within God.

I'm scared. I'm scared of what's to come. I make decisions and I fear the consequences of those actions.

What do I do, what do I do? Endless rumination. The world appears to be collapsing.

Yet it's not. I don't need to know. I don't need to worry. Whatever happens, I can figure it out. I said fuck it and willingly became homeless. I was excited. I was driven. I was curious. It was mystical.

No matter what happens, no matter how bad I fuck up, no matter how bad I hurt someone, I don't need to hate myself for it. I can allow myself some grace. I don't need to ruminate. Just because I accept myself and remain confident and happy after fucking up doesn't mean I didn't take my mistake seriously, and that I don't care about whoevers feelings, or that I don't understand how I could have made a permanent impact on their life, for better or worse.

I'm just free. Free to fuck up. Free to fail. Free to hurt people. Free to try my best. Free to explore. Free to imagine. Free to be curious. Free to be hated, disliked, and despised.

I don't want to hurt anyone. When I do, I feel so much shame. I become so scared of how they will react. Terrified of whatever terrible consequence that I completely deserve that is coming. I take away my own happiness in these moments. I eradicate my confidence. I destroy my desire to live.

I'm free to fail. I'm free to experience life.

Even if I get fired. Even if I go to jail. Even if I crash my car. Even if I have drug addictions. Even if I isolate myself and push away the people who care about me. Even if I fuck up in some unimaginable way.

I'm free.

Nothing can stop me. Things will try, but it's up to me with the guidance of God to make it through.

Fuck you, expectations. Fuck, you.

When those moments come back to you of those things you said and did...

Fuck those expectations. Fuck that fear.

Fuck.

You.

Go to hell, you miserable fuck.

I don't need to sit down and hate myself.

I need to stand up, be humble, acknowledge my mistake and suffer the consequences.

It's going to be hard.

It's going to feel like shit.

But.

HAVE.

To.

I need to live through the pain of my mistakes rather than avoid them or wallow in pity for myself.

I want to suffer.

It sounds fucked up, but it's not masochism.

I hate suffering. It's unbearable and annoying.

But I know.

I KNOW.

Suffering in these ways will make me stronger. Help me realize my faults. Help me atone for what I did. Help me get better at repairing relationships. Help me get better at not damaging relationships.

Suffering in this way can only bring me growth.

I hate it. I hate it so much.

It hurts.

It's hard.

But it wouldn't mean something if it didn't hurt so bad.

Something like, we store information better when it means something, and when we no longer have to think about it and we inherently understand it, we can move forward in peace, love and grace.

That's really curious. How do we inherently know things?

What is that?

Where does it come from?

Those things where you just know what it means without words.

It's just there. You just know. It's an intuitional sense.

It's strange.

Life is strange in the most beautiful way.

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gingeraleluke · 3 years ago

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𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗯𝗼𝘅𝗲𝗿 ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ ᴛᴡᴏ

𝗽𝗮𝗶𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀: underground boxer!vinnie x fem!influcencer!reader

𝘀𝘆𝗻𝗼𝗽𝘀𝗶𝘀: boy meets girl. boy hates girl. girl hates boy. maybe threatening to kill her brother wasn’t a good first impression.

𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀: swearing, violence (boxing so duh), sexual harassment (nothing too graphic), mentions of drug addiction, stressful situations, loss of a parent, mention of cheating, brief mention of suicide.

𝗔/𝗡: HI!!! i really hope you guys are liking it so far! i have a fuck ton of ideas for this :) this is an enemies to lovers fic so we gonna hate vinnie for a while lmao

(i didn’t proofread this so hopefully it’s not that bad!)

also: im sorry if this sucks, i got a migraine while writing this 😩

first chapter series masterlist

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she couldn’t believe what she was seeing. she had to blink and rub her eyes a few times to make sure her eyesight was working correctly

your brother will be dead by the time i’m done with him.

yep, eyes are working fine.

great so that just means this attractive piece of shit is threatening my brother.

she got up and ran to her bedroom, plopping down onto the bed. y/n tried to come up with a response, but everything she typed out she ended up deleting. a few of her response ideas were as follows:

is that a threat?

you think that scares me?

we will see about that

umm knew phone who dis?

um chile…🧍‍♀️

bruh

excuse me?

and finally, her favorite:

🧚🏻‍♀️✨either suck my nuts or shut the fuck up ✨🧚🏻‍♀️

she didn’t have the courage to say anything. every response made her heart beat faster. she realized how pathetic she must have looked. the bubble with three dots appearing and disappearing in front of his eyes.

she started panicking and decided not to reply, groaning and throwing her phone on her bed.

she heard her phone buzz.

vinnie:

what’s the matter? cat got your tongue? 🐈

this fucking prick.

she didn’t even bother opening the message and just opened up twitter.

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8:40 PM

𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗳𝗶𝗰𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻

𝗻𝗲𝘄 𝘁𝘄𝗲𝗲𝘁 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝘆/𝗻

@ Y/N

the only men in this world that i trust are the jonas brothers. that’s it. that’s the tweet.

💬65 🔁82 ❤️2.5K

replies

@ userone: same

@ usertwo: can you post a tiktok?? it’s been a while and we are STARVING!!

@ zachdreams: ummm…. bitch?? tf do i look like? chopped liver? 😩⁉️

@ y/n: i guess you too 🙄

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it was getting late and had been a while since y/n had the place to herself. her parents were out of the picture so she and drake had been living together for around seven years now. he was only 17 taking care of her. she didn’t know what changed, but now it feels more like she’s the one taking care of him.

drake wasn’t necessarily father material. he didn’t know how to raise a 14 year old girl all on his own, but he made it work. it wasn’t easy but, he managed. thankfully, he would turn 18 in a few months so he gained custody over y/n once their dad died. he wasn’t prepared for the periods though. or for the heartbreaks.

y/n’s first heartbreak was when she was 14 and had gotten her first boyfriend. she was new to the experience and it was hard for her to make friends. his name was fred, which she found adorable. it reminded her of her first childhood crush, freddie from icarly. she would call him freddie instead.

she was the only one who called him that.

she dated him until she turned 16, when she found out that he was flirting with other girls. y/n was devastated and blocked him on everything before having her own hot girl summer.

that was her first, and only heartbreak.

so far.

her fans knew she got cheated on in highschool, she made a few tiktoks joking about the matter. they didn’t ever pry or ask questions about it though, which y/n was thankful for.

fred just made her hate men even more.

y/n felt like treating herself to some self care to help calm down. she was anxious about meeting vinnie. she knew she would have to eventually, seeing as how she’s always at the gym to help support her brother. she’d help him fill out paper work and such but honestly, she kind of had him on a suicide watch. she knew he wouldn’t hurt himself, but deep down she was terrified of losing him. he was all she had and y/n knew how toxic his lifestyle was. her job was to protect him from it. she’d try to keep him as clean as possible and would make sure he never felt alone. she didn’t want him to feel the way he did when their dad died.

she didn’t want him to feel alone.

as much as she wanted to trust drake, she knew she couldn’t. he was an impulsive liar and made the worst decisions. he needed a guide dog throughout life and y/n was determined to be that for him.

y/n got into her sleep wear and grabbed a blanket from off her bed, before going back out to the living room. their apartment was nice, but definitely not ideal. she made lots of money off of tiktok and sponsorships, but not enough to afford a house. plus, there was so much going on at the moment, that she just wasn’t ready to move out yet. she couldn’t wait for the day where she feels secure enough to have her own house. she’d get a pet, maybe a cat, or a dog, or even both. she’d have a nice pool with a cozy living room and a beautiful bedroom and the most elegant kitchen imaginable.

she turned on the tv and put on the new episode of the bachelorette. it was a guilty pleasure of hers, and she found herself liking it even more now that shes single and lonely.

she went to the kitchen as the intro played. it was just a recap of the last episode so she wasn’t missing anything. opening the freezer, y/n grabbed her favorite flavor of ice cream before putting some in a bowl and walking back over to the couch, her slippers squeaking as she walked.

she enjoyed her ice cream while watching the episode, fast forwarding through the commercials. she started getting brain freeze and decided to turn on the fire place that sat beneath the tv that hung on the wall.

once the fireplace was on, she immediately felt more relaxed. there was something about the warmth that always helped calm her down. once she finished her ice cream, she put the bowl in the sink and made herself some hot chocolate.

she turned on the fairy lights that were draped around the fireplace. the scene in front of her was beautiful. it made he forget how shitty her apartment might have been. it was perfect in this moment. she pulled out her phone and clicked on instagram before taking a video of the fireplace in front of her. she panned her phone up so you could see the rose ceremony going on on the tv. she stopped recording and posted it on her story.

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y/n woke up, sprawled out on the couch. she didn’t remember falling asleep, but luckily she had already finished the bachelorette so she didn’t lose her place. she sat up and yawned before picking up her phone to check the time.

1:14 AM

oh shit.

she didn’t think she was asleep for that long! she grabbed her blanket and turned everything off before making her way to bed. she plugged in her phone to charge on her nightstand before seeing a notification pop up on her screen.

vinnie hacker slid up on your story

for fucks sake.

just when she thought she forgot about the boy, he was messaging her… again

vinnie:

that’s fine. ignore me all you want. but you can’t ignore me tomorrow…

you can run but you can’t hide 😘

see you tomorrow morning

is this man forreal?

◦◦,`°.✽✦✽.◦.✽✦✽.°`,◦◦

8:49 AM

𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗳𝗶𝗰𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻

new tweet from y/n

@ Y/N

it’s a good day to not give a fuck 😋

💬497 🔁63 ❤️2.4K

replies

@ katiedoll: hey girl!! i’m coming to the gym today so hopefully i’ll see you there 😏💯

@ drakehavok: can’t wait to see u ;)

@ katiedoll: you too 🥰

@ y/n: get a room

9:04 AM

𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗳𝗶𝗰𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻

new post from y/n

9:23 AM

𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗳𝗶𝗰𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻

y/n posted a video

◦◦,`°.✽✦✽.◦.✽✦✽.°`,◦◦

y/n woke up to birds chirping outside her window and light shining through her blinds. she was craving breakfast and quickly brushed her teeth and her hair before getting dressed.

she wore black ripped jeans with a plain grey shirt and some cute boots that her and quinn bought. they saw them at the mall and both decided to buy a pair so they could match. she didn’t care if they were men’s boots, she thought they were adorable.

she topped it off with her signature leather jacket. she felt so weird not wearing it yesterday, so she was anxious to put it back on.

as soon as she was dressed, she drove to a small black owned coffee shop that was just a few blocks away. she picked up three donuts and tipped the lady like usual.

while walking back to her car, she saw a familiar face.

“hi, y/n!”

“hey, marco.” she smiled down at the little boy who was perched on the sidewalk.

“the usual?” he asked, his big brown eyes looking at the sweet girl.

“is that alright?”

“yes- yes of course it’s alright!” y/n opened the brown bag and handed the kid a pink sprinkle donut.

“awww yes!!” the little boys eyes lit up and he took a huge bite.

“woah, don’t inhale the whole thing! make sure you chew.” he looked up at her, his mouth full. “sorry.”

y/n laughed and looking into the bag. “hey, maria still likes those sugar donuts right?”

“oh umm yeah i think so!”

“where is she by the way?”

“oh, she’s at grammas. on padras side, of course.”

“oh.” y/n frowned before grabbing her donut and handing him the bag with the sugar donut inside. “good. just keep your distance from you mom…”

“always.” he smiled up at her and grabbed the bag.

“let me know if you need anything, okay buddy?”

“always!”

she started heading towards her car before the boy yelled after her.

“wait!”

“yeah bud?”

“make sure you save me some of those tickets for havoks next fight!” he winked at her and she ruffled his hair.

“okay kid, don’t get too ahead of yourself.” she laughed.

“please!”

y/n looked back at him. “i’ll do my best.”

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y/n posted a mirror selfie on instagram and filmed a quick little tiktok thirst trap before getting her purse.

when she got back home, her car was in the driveway and drakes skateboard was missing, indicating that he’s skating his way to the gym instead of driving.

he only ever did that if he thought he needed the exercise. it’s a long drive to the gym and even longer on board. he’d often skate there if he was getting ready for a big match, so y/n wasn’t so surprised.

she was dreading going to the gym. all she could think about was vinnie and she hated it. she wondered if he’d look different in person. maybe all of those pictures of him were edited or photoshopped, maybe he would be shorter than her or nicer in person. the fact of the matter was, she never met vinnie hacker and today she was gonna have to.

even better, katie would be there too.

katie was drakes girlfriend who y/n absolutely despised. she was super controlling and whenever she would walk in a room, drakes demeanor would change and not in the good way. she knew drake could do a lot better than katie. sure, she was pretty and all, but to be honest, she was kinda bland and boring. just your basic white girl who doesn’t know manners. y/n’s brother had bad taste in girls so she expected nonetheless.

she hopped in her car and drove to quinn and zach’s house. they had plans to see eachother and quinn had messaged her last night saying he had a suprise for her. she brought a suprise for him too! a gift.

◦◦,`°.✽✦✽.◦.✽✦✽.°`,◦◦

“okay, seriously! when did you get so hot and popular!?” quinn grabbed a bottle of wine and popped it open, while quinn laughed.

they were all sitting on the couch in their living room, gossiping about life. the couple had just gotten back from a family road trip and had missed y/n greatly.

“umm i don’t know what you’re talking about, zach! ive always been a hottie, come on now.” zach was painting y/n’s nails a beautiful aqua, her fingers on display and rested on his knee.

“yasss girl! you tell him, i swear quinn has the worst eye sight in the world.”

“uh… excuse me?”

y/n buckled over in laughter.

“HEY! girl, watch out! you almost got nail polish in your hair!”

“shit sorry…”

“i ain’t doing this for free..” zach muttered. his short blonde hair was damp like he just got out of a shower and he had a white button down on, the top four buttons undone and exposing his chest. she watched zach’s hands move along her fingers, using the brush dipped in nail polish to apply as carefully as possible. she saw the little tattoo he had on his pointer finger. it was something in japanese writing but y/n forgot what it translated to.

“sooo… zach, how many subscribers are you at right now? 4 million?”

“oooooo!!” quinn said across the room, looking down at his phone.

“what does ‘oooo’ mean, huh babe?”

“oh, nothing.. just that sometimes i forget how successful my handsome boyfriend is.” quinn smiled cheekily at his boyfriend.

“awwww..” y/n gushed as the couple smiled at her.

“i’m so lonely.” she frowned looking down.

“don’t worry girl we will find you someone.” zach said, still leaving paint strokes on her fingernails.

“yeah, y/n don’t worry!”

y/n felt her phone buzz from the inside of her purse.

“oh.” she reached inside and grabbed her phone, seeing that a reminder went off.

“OH! guys i almost forgot! thank god i set a reminder…” she dug into her purse and pulled out a plain white box.

“oh god, what is it?” quinn asked suspiciously.

“is it a hair iron?! oh my god please god let it be a hair iron!!!” zach must have yelled too loud because all of a sudden their dog started barking.

“hey! simon, calm down.” quinn demanded while y/n patted her lap.

“hey si! pretty boy.. come sit with me.” the black french bulldog sat on her thighs as she handed zach the box.

he opened it and immediately gasped.

“you didn’t?!”

“i did.” she smiled.

“what- what is it?”

zach showed his boyfriend the present.

“it’s fairy lights! i told her i wanted to start collecting them and putting them around the house, but all the ones we get burn out in weeks!”

“yep! these will last you all year round, i promise.” y/n smiled a genuine smile and looked at her best friends reaction.

“thank you angel!” he held her hand and pulled her into a hug.

“uh, uh! careful, my nails aren’t dry yet!”

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the gays agreed to come with y/n to the gym for the weigh in. she told them how much she was dreading to see katie but also to see vinnie and they understood.

when she showed them what vinnie sent her they bombarded her with questions, the biggest one being ‘what does he look like?’

when she showed them his instagram, they were both practically drooling.

“GURLLL HE IS A FULL SNACK WHAT THE FUCK!!”

“okay he’s not bad but…. yeah okay he’s hot. fuck my life.” she facepalmed and continued to listen to the two thirst over her current stressor.

“seriously? y/n, how do you know he doesn’t like you? y’all should date, he’s cute as fuck and so are you!” quinn glared up at her as he was hunched over the phone, scrolling through his pictures.

“are you kidding? quinn, he threatened to kill my brother.”

“he sent you a kissy face emoji and said he couldn’t wait to see you.”

“yeah, in a taunting way!! not in an actual romantic way.”

“wellll….” quinn trailed off, agreeing with his boyfriend.

they helped her calm down the whole drive there, reassuring her that she was ‘that bitch’.

“ugh,” quinn belched, “i feel like ass.”

zach laughed at his statement from the front seat.

“i shouldn’t have drank that wine..”

“yeah what the fuck was up with that anyway?” y/n asked, “who the fuck drinks wine at 11 in the morning?”

“yeah, quinn, what are you the pope?”

“zachary, dumbass that doesn’t even make sense.”

once they reached the gym, she could see new cars in the lot that she had never seen before and immediately grew nervous.

“fuck.. i don’t want to be here.”

“i know girly, but you are gonna be fine! i promise, me and quinn will be right by your side.”

y/n turned to look behind her and saw quinn threading his fingers through his black hair. she looked down at his shoes.

“holy shit, quinn bestie, we match!” she struggled to put her boot up on the dashboard to show him.

“awww how cute!! now let’s go!”

they walked out of the car and slammed the doors while y/n sat in the drivers seat contemplating her life choices.

quinn knocked on her window and she rolled it down.

“yeah?” she asked nonchalantly.

the two just stared at her and she caved in.

“ughh okay, fine..”

she walked through the glass doors and was greeted by wolf whistles as always. it didn’t matter what she wore, those sexist fucks would always comment on something.

she looked past them and her face dropped.

it was vinnie fucking hacker.

he looked up at the sound of the cheers and whistles but thankfully someone was blocking their view so they couldn’t see each other.

yet.

she couldn’t tell just how tall or hot he was and she just hoped he didn’t notice all of the men hitting on her. it was humiliating.

“lookin good, cupcake.” a trainer who looked to be in his late thirties said, walking by. he looked her up and down and she wanted to curl up into a ball and die.

“aww thank you!” zach said, flipping his invisible hair. “but, i got a man honey, so back up outta here.” he grabbed quinn’s hand and linked his arm with mine as we walked in the back.

they were now just a few feet away from vinnie. they were at the main desk, arms still linked.

“hey, derek.” her voice was soft, trying not to draw attention to herself.

vinnie was shirtless, and his back was to her. she could now see his muscles and how much taller he was than her and gulped. he had a tattoo on his back and black sweatpants on. if he turned around, he would have a perfect view of y/n and she was determined to go by unnoticed to make sure that doesn’t happen.

“y/n! hey! here are drakes documents.”

fuck

derek said her name just a little too loudly and vinnie turned around at the name. they locked eyes and it was more intense than she thought it would be.

the minute they made eye contact, it was like time stood still. instead of everyone around them being frozen, her and vinnie were, and the whole gym was intrigued. or like, a pipe just bursted and her and vinnie were the only ones getting wet while all the dry people watched. she wanted to dissolve into the floor.

she knew it wouldn’t be the only time they looked at eachother like this. his eyes said a lot of things, the main one being distaste. she could tell he hated her from that one look. there was more than that though. it felt like something was pulling the two of them together, like two magnets with a fridge in between them.

he had a smile on his face and his hair was messy. he was slightly sweaty and was talking to a guy wearing a hacker hoodie. he rolled his tongue against his teeth and looked her up and down before saying something to his friend.

she got the papers and made her way towards the basement, saying her goodbyes to the gays.

once they left she turned back around and almost slammed face first into vinnie hackers bare chest.

what the fuck.

“woah… little y/n. watch where you’re going.”

his voice made her want to melt yet his demeanor made her want to punch him in the face. he licked his lips while looking down at her, never breaking eye contact. his face was relaxed and his eyelashes fluttered when he blinked. he towered over her and she had to resist the urge to look down at his chest.

she rolled her eyes and walked by him towards the basement door.

“oh what you don’t talk?” he was hot on her trail and she could feel his eyes lingering on her body as she walked.

“not to you i don’t.”

“oh! so she does speak.” he jogged up towards her so he was now in front of her and turned to look at her while he walked backwards towards the end of the gym.

y/n clenched her teeth and looked at him before she kept walking, him walking diagonal to her and staring at her.

“you’re annoying, you know that?” she spat.

“aww thank you! i don’t remember asking but, i appreciate the feedback.” he winked at her and made long strides continuing to walk backwards before turning and standing in front of the basement door, blocking it.

“hey, what size are you?”

he gripped the fabric of her t shirt she wore under her open jacket, pulling her closer to him, but still at arms length as they stood in front of the door, eyes locked.

“i’m sure i could get a hacker hoodie for you in your size if you want it. you’d look nice in that, don’tcha think?”

she just scoffed at his sly remark as he opened the basement door and slammed it in her face, causing her to stumble back.

what a fucking asshole.

━━━━━━༻❁༺━━━━━━

@obliviatevamps @justalostgirl @iixbella

#vinnie hacker #vinnie hacker x reader #vinnie hacker fanfic #vinnie hacker fluff #vinnie #vinnie x reader #vinnie hacker imagines

489 notes · View notes

evening-starlight · 3 years ago

Text

Warm Beers

Taglist is OPEN! DM or Comment to be added

Posting Schedule: Monday, Wednesday, Friday

This takes place before Season 1

All Works Master List

Warm Beers Master List

Word Count: 1214

Kiara wakes up to quiet humming and someone moving around the living room delicately. She opens an eye to find Kenzie wandering around with a trash bag and picking things off the floor. "You're up early," She comments, pulling herself into a sitting position. Kenzie smiles over at her.

"I'm sorry, did I wake you?" Kiara shakes her head. "I just got up early, I guess. Don't ask me; it just happens. So I decided I'd clean up a little for John B.," Kenzie says with a shrug. Truth was, she woke up next to Henry in his hotel and needed to get out before he asked for a second night.

She was never good at commitment, something she learned she got from her mother. Three months after giving birth to McKenzie, she disappeared only to send her dad divorce papers two months later. McKenzie never met her mom, and she never wanted to. Especially after she learned the whole truth as to why her mother left.

"You're too nice to that idiot," Kiara mumbles as she gets off the pull-out bed and shuffles to the kitchen.

"It's better than the other option of ripping his head off," Kenzie shrugs before going back to her cleaning. The humming resumes quickly after, perking Kiara's interest. She listens closely and can place the song within seconds.

"Are you humming Rythm of Love?" Kiara questions, looking over the fridge door at Kenzie, who freezes in her spot. She hums a bit more, trying to figure out if Kie was right in her song placement.

McKenzie shrugs it off. "I guess I am. It's been stuck in my head all morning," She writes off before going back to picking things off the floor. "Does John B. ever fucking clean?" Kenzie huffs. She had been cleaning for five minutes already, and it felt as if she hadn't made a dent in the room.

Kiara smiles knowingly to herself. Kenzie was never the sentimental type, but when she had feelings for someone, she sang. Or, in this case, hummed. It wasn't a coincidence that the song was a love song. She caught feelings for someone, and she caught them hard. Kiara knew exactly who it was too.

"So, who's the lucky boy?" Kiara asks when Kenzie enters the kitchen with a full bag. Kenzie looks at her like she grew a second head overnight.

"What are you talking about, Kie?"

"You only sing silly love songs when you have feelings for someone. So, who is it?" Kiara pushes as she pours herself a bowl of cereal nonchalantly. Kenzie stares at Kiara in confusion. Of course, she didn't have feelings for anyone. She never did. McKenzie was known for her one-night stands amongst her friends. They all knew her fear of commitment.

"You're crazy, Kie. I sing those stupid songs all the time," Kenzie remarks as she gets herself a new trash bag. "Besides, we all know the L word is forbidden in my dictionary."

Kiara hums around her spoonful of Frosted Flakes. "Whatever you gotta tell yourself, Girl." Kenzie rolls her eyes and goes back to the living room to clean up empty beer bottles and take-out trash. The comments Kiara makes brew in Kenzie's head.

She sang songs all the time. This wasn't any different. There was always a song playing in the back of her head. Sometimes it just happened to be a silly love song. Kenzie probably heard it on a TikTok or something. It might have been playing on the radio on her way here. The song meant nothing more than an annoying tune that wouldn't leave her alone.

Kenzie starts to hum again while she folds the pull-out bed in. The song wasn't important, but she does notice it's the old Cinderella song 'So This Is Love.' Not that that meant anything. It was nothing more than a song that came into her head as she picked up the last of the living room trash.

Kiara watches in amusement at her clueless friend. Kenzie would continue to ignore these feelings until they either went away or destroyed whatever relationship she had with her crush. Kiara's witnessed it once before. They were thirteen, and Kenzie had her first real crush.

He was a boy named David in their shared science class. Kenzie and David were pretty close friends for middle schoolers. They would eat lunch together and sit next to each other in class. Kenzie started humming her silly love songs first, and soon, when she was alone, she would belt them from the top of her lungs.

When her friends figured out what was going on, they teased her relentlessly. Kenzie came to terms with her feelings about David, and instead of admitting it to him, she cut him off completely. Like nothing ever happened, and they were strangers from the start.

The thought of Kenzie doing that to JJ made her anxious. They were best friends. The two did practically everything together. But it was always possible that Kenzie would destroy the entire friend group to protect herself from heartache.

An incessant buzzing in Kenzie's pajama's pocket pulls her from the cleaning she was focusing on. She picks up the call when she sees it's her dad. "What's up, Dad?"

"Hey, Z. I could use some help in the yard today. When do you think you'll be home?" Her dad asks, slightly out of breath. He had been trying to take care of the yard, but it was slowly becoming overwhelming in the heat. Sticks and leaves from the last storm still litter the garden, and the grass had overgrown them since he picked up extra shifts at work. It was growing into a two-man job.

"I can be home in, like, fifteen," Kenzie says, already picking up her trash bags to take outside. Shoupe agrees and hangs up. She cleans her mess up quickly and hugs Kiara goodbye. "If the boys ask, I'm running from the cops," Kenzie jokes as she leaves the house.

Kenzie makes it out of the driveway before her phone connects to the Bluetooth. Taylor Swift's Paper Rings comes on through the speakers, causing McKenzie to sing along. She smiles and bobs her head along to the rhythm.

"I like shiny things, but I'd marry you with paper rings," Kenzie sings along absentmindedly. Flashes of JJ play in her head, and she can't help the smile that spreads across her face. He was absolutely her best friend, and she honestly couldn't wait to see him again. Maybe she could convince him to do a face mask with her later, especially if she uses her puppy dog eyes.

"I hate accidents except when we went from friends to this," Kenzie continues before the realization hits her hard. "Oh fuck," She gasps before leaning back into her chair. Her left elbow rests on the car door as she rubs her fingers against her lips, trying to wipe the smile off.

McKenzie Shoupe wanted more than friends with JJ Maybank. She wanted to make paper rings with him and wake up next to him every morning. The thought of kissing JJ made Kenzie's heart pump faster. The deputy's daughter had a crush on the wildest Pouge.

And he could never find out.

Taglist: @gwenlovesharrystyles @x-lulu @gviosca @cognacdelights @queenofallhobos

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lie---ability · 3 years ago

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for too many times in my life had i been wrong about people. so much that anyone who tries to have anything with me makes me anxious. i even get anxious about my upcoming job at Virus & Partners because new people = chances of any of them hurting me. i have been wrong about people so much that i think it's because i idealize them so much. i mean an example could be us hanging out everyday, do a lot of things together, stay out late together, ditch others for each other, chat each other right after being together the entire day, say i love you and get home safe — and i'd think we're best friends!!! only for her to say we never were. and that she never wanted to be close with someone like me. so it must be me, right? maybe i just fell in love with the thought that she's a great best friend. at the same time i think, no. she was a best friend, she did exist. that version of her existed. or at least did when it was convenient or beneficial to her, but when the time came where it wasn't, she threw me under the bus, become totally different from who i loved. who i proudly said was my best friend. all those months that built up my comfort, trust, attachment — ended up being told as a lie. and if it came from the person herself that they were lies, who am i to say she's just saying that for whatever reason? she said it herself. we weren't best friends even if she said it before. so what was the truth? was i just really stupid and idealistic? or are people just so awful now? it's like i'm this fish in a pond who's so easy to catch with just the right amount of treat. like i'd swim away when you approach but try a bit more and i'd fall for it. attachment issues suck, more so my abandonment issues.

but this post isn't about jodie. this is about my first boyfriend, rikko.

first because rj doesn't count, the fuck? that shit was a joke lol i just got a dose of reality at an early age. no love there at all. who even falls in love at 13? that shit illegal. so yes, rikko is my first boyfriend ♥️ and even though i've dated guys before, he's the only one i ever loved so far. i love him so much. in fact, before i was already starting to think that maybe i'm not capable of love? i mean, i'm aware i'm a mean person. but i didn't think of myself as someone incapable of falling in love. but among the guys i met and dated, ALL OF THEM WERE JUST TO FEED MY EGO. ego ego ego. tell me i'm pretty. keep asking me to go out and let me reject you over and over again. show me how much you wanna take me out on a date again. over and over and all of them were unintended! when i do talk to someone, a part of me tries! maybe this could work? but it kept ending the same way. ego food. which led me to think fuckkk i'm incapable of loving too? what am i here for then tfuck? — until i met rikko! and everything he did and said, i wanted more of it. the more he laughed, the more he cried, i wanted to keep seeing them, even if he laughs/cries for the same reasons over and over. i wanted the things he wanted. i wanted to like the shit he liked, and i did! i hated touch but i love being held by him. he was expressive too! like the other boys! but for some reason, it wasn't ego food. they became credit scores for me. each time he gets a point, it adds up to my reasons why this is it! why this is worth a try! and i struggled and fought hard. the commitment and daddy issues, the anxiety, the fear of abandonment, blah blah and he did and said the right things at the right time he went at the right places, gave the right gifts, promised the right things — all for him to turn out to be just like everybody else. he died months into my life. he couldn't keep up with the character he played, and idk why people keep playing a character on me. jodie played the supportive bff but really wanted to be some sort of main character which i think is rather difficult hence the hurtful betrayal. and then there's rikko, who played the boy i could ever want, but never was that person. he never was that person to his parents and friends, and i thought he would suddenly change for me? that's some boss level pick me girl shit. i love rikko, even now as i type this. i met him january 2020, it's july 29, 2021 today, and i love him so much. but i'm not sure if i should be with him anymore. on principle, morals, self-care, common sense, logic, religion. why? because he died. he died last january 2021. he's no longer the same rikko i fell for. his hands aren't the ones i fought myself to hold. he's not the same person who went all the way from paranaque to cainta for me at 8pm because my dad told me he almost had another baby with someone ON MY BIRTHDAY. he's not the same person i looked at up at Sm Aura thinking he could be the one. and that i belong here, with him. that i love being with him, and he could be other things, but i want to be with him. he didn't know it, but looking at him as he talked about his friends, those things ran in my head. it was the same rikko who got teary eyed when he misunderstood me there at the Sm Aura rooftop, thinking i meant that i was just playing him. the rikko who gave me a necklace for no reason, wore it on me and even had it in a totally unsuspecting case (tea bag) which made the surprise funnier and cuter, is... yep... no longer here. the rikko who kept reminding me i'm redeemable, that i'm not my anxieties, i'm not my bad brain, i'm not my small voice, that rikko is long gone. and still i stayed waiting, making excuses, reasoning out with myself, trusting that he'd come back and funny enough, 7 months in and... he's still gone.

the saddest part is he doesn't want to be like that. or so i think. he tries. i see him trying. i see the efforts. he tries to ask me about my day, about my worries, why i'm anxious, why i'm sad or irritated. he asks me about work, applications and when i'm out with friends or family. he tries to make time for me even now that he prefers valorant over ml with me, i know he tries to play ml with me. he tries to take some time off work to talk to me. he tries to post on social media now, shares my ig stories, joins my tiktoks and get along with my jokes. he tries. i know he does. but that's the thing. he has to try. and maybe those things, he just isn't. and the difference between trying and develop is with development, there is direction. there is progress. with rikko... it's unstable. sometimes he can do this, but the next times not so sure. and as someone anxious with rejection and abandonment issues, inconsistencies are okay, but a lot of them? and major ones? NOTHING GOOD WILL COME OF IT. so many things rikko doesn't know and still he has it in him to say or assume a lot of things about me. one of them is when he said i'm ALWAYS annoyed at him. does he know how many times i get annoyed at things he do? but i don't address all of them not because i don't want to but because i acknowledge that they're not worth the fight or i'm just being hotheaded or immature or maybe inconsiderate. i think first before i act on him because if i learned anything about rikko, emotions have to make sense! which is wrong in the first place but that's who i'm with! but at the times i can't help being tampo, annoyed, or upset, he finds it in him to tell me i'm a l w a y s annoyed? WHEN?!?! i even asked him when and i know he realized it but still he fell stubborn to his pride. does he also know that his gifts don't make me kilig anymore? they just relieve me at this point which is sad!!! fucking sad!!! why? for example, for my virtual college graduation i was getting anxious few days before because i'm worried he won't give me anything or do something for me which will surely trigger my ~neglected issues~ and if i do get triggered, instead of addressing and being there for me, instead of making it up to me, he'd get mad! he'd make me feel that i'm asking for so much, for the impossible, all while i see it happen to people. i see other dudes give their girlfriends things without occasion. i see them try to like the things their girlfriends like, even embarrassing ones that she posts on social media. i see men constantly expressing their love for their gfs, for the person they asked to commit to them. all while i have one who would call me demanding, needy and exhausting. imagine? lol i get anxious he won't fulfill me not because i'd get sad but because he'll get mad when i get upset. he'd make me feel awful and remind me of the reason why we should end. and i hate that. i'm fighting so hard to take it off my mind, i hate thinking that we're incompatible, unhappy and that we're just trying to revive this love we have for each other. that love really isn't enough, even for us. so when he got me this bouquet for graduation, i was 95% relieved and 5% kilig because awwwww but more importantly, I WON'T BE TAMPO WHICH MEANS I WON'T HAVE TO HIDE AND HE WON'T HAVE TO GET ANNOYED AT ME BEING UPSET! as i type this all the more i feel bad because it's so clear i shouldn't be with him anymore. it hurts each time it crosses my mind. i really see rikko as the love of my life. and idk why. because he shouldn't be. the love of your life should be someone who makes you laugh, makes you strong but can also let you cry. the love of your life is the one who holds you on your way out of dark times. the love of your life is the one who corrects you in ways that won't make you feel bad, but in ways that make you feel cared for. that he's telling you so out of concern, not because he thinks you're a difficult sick mental person who needs an on-call therapist and an attending nurse. the love of your life should be the person who makes you cry the least.

but he doesn't deserve it also. maybe he's not ready to be in a relationship just yet. and there was no harm in trying. in fact i'm happy he tried because if he hadn't added me on facebook and hit up on instagram, i would have never known what love was like. i would also have never known how fun and exciting it is to be in love. it's so nice actually! to lie down with someone and just know they'll be there when you wake up and even if you do wake up in the middle of the night, you're safe with them. and no matter what you look like in the morning or how loud you snore or how stretched you are in bed, you are loved by this person next to you. and they chose to sleep with you too. to be as vulnerable as you are. and i loved that with rikko. we sleep together, we wake up in between sleep just to look for each other's cheeks, we shower together, we do weird shower dances, we have secret baby things, and a lot more things that you would think from here on meant forever. because these things, how could you ever try them again with someone else? because from where i am right now I HATE THE THOUGHT OF THOSE WITH ANYONE WHO'S NOT RIKKO. but stay with him for what? for what at this point? i'm not God. i'm just an anxious person with daddy issues who has enough money hunger and dreams plus a mom, aunts and 1 friend who loves rikko so much. i can't change him. and i shouldn't.

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purplesurveys · 5 years ago

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773

What’s the name of a song you’ve listened to a lot recently? Prepare for another Hayley answer folks. I’ve been listening to nothing but Petals For Armor this whole week – even lo-fi got a break :o – and Dead Horse is very easily my favorite track so that’s been racking up plays.

Are you texting anyone at this moment? No. I currently have a conversation with Gab on Messenger but replies on both ends are choppy because we’re doing our own thing.

Recently, who in your house has gotten on your nerves the most? It’d be a surprise if someone still doesn’t know the answer to this, but it’s my mom. We just have very different personalities and traits, and that is mostly because I have made it my life’s mission to not end up like her.

Think of the most recent time that you went out to eat with someone, who ended up paying? We split the bill, as we always do. That last time was in my favorite ramen place I now realize :( I miss the outside worldddddd.

Is there anything that’s been weighing on your mind as far as a decision your contemplating whether to act on or not? Explain. Everyday it’s always a mental battle whether I’m touching my thesis or not for that day. It’s such a big deal for me and there’s so much pressure to produce an excellent one that I’m always too scared to look at it, even if it is MY work.

What all has pissed you off today, if anything at all? My mom was making unbelievable statements about ABSCBN (the major network that the government pettily hates and demanded to shut down) and how they deserve the ordeal they’ve been going through...fucking unbelievable. I wasn’t going to let her slide so I offered up my arguments, but I felt her cowering and my suspicions were confirmed when she changed the topic.

How often do you talk to the person you currently have feelings for? Well I’m already with her, so we talk pretty often throughout the day. It’ll decrease if we’re both super busy, but when it’s one of those days we make sure we at least talk when we wake up and before we go to bed.

When was the last time you couldn’t stop laughing? A Tiktok Angela shared with me. Holy shit it was so funny - it was of a girl going through Twilight and reading every single time Stephenie Meyer used the word ‘chuckled’ with a hilarious voice filter.

Out of all of your friends who have you gotten in the worst fight with? Explain what happened. I super hate having conflicts with people I’m close to, so I honestly can’t tell you an argument I’ve had with a friend even if I try racking my brain for one.

If you had $100 dollars, how would you spend it? I’d rather save it till I’ll have to go job-hunting. I’ll spend the money on gas to go to job interviews.

What’s something you would love to have happen right now? I just want the reassurance that I’ll end up in a good job eventually. This whole period waiting for graduation with nothing happening isn’t good for me, and with the lockdown still in place I’ll have to also wait till I can start legit applying for jobs, so these days I’m essentially just living with double the amount of anxiety I’d normally have.

You were given the opportunity to get a new cellular device, what do you choose? iPhone 11 Pro Max.

Which of your classes in school is most capable of killing a good mood for you? Business reporting. Before the quarantine, that class absolutely ruined my Fridays which used to be my favorite day of the week. I had a great teacher who opened every avenue possible to help us because it was objectively a difficult class, but that’s all I saw it as – difficult. All my other classes were okay.

How nice of a person are you, honestly? I’m super nice and am always that way with everyone. Though if I encounter someone with a behavior that I don’t like, like being a lousy co-worker or if they support the government lolol, I’ll be less nice but like still not an asshole. It’s a waste of time being a shitty person to other people.

What good things have happened today? My dad bought Pringles yesterday so I got to have them today and holy shit, they are so so good. It also wasn’t that hot today - weather was still awful of course, but at least I didn’t sweat through my shirt or have to breathe heavily, which is good enough for me.

Can you honestly say that at this point and time you’re happy with the way things are going in your life? Not yet, but I’ll get there.

Is there anyone of your preferred sex who tends to mess with your head? I don’t have a preferred sex.

What have you recently gotten the most compliments on? Honestly nothing. I haven’t been on social media lately because the country is shit and citizens are always saying stupid shit, so I haven’t talked to that many people lately.

When you get to go shopping for new clothes, where do you go to find your clothes? Feliz.

How do you feel about inter-racial couples? You do you. I don’t see anything wrong with it and besides, Filipinos marrying foreigners has always been a common sight.

Have you ever thought you were in love, and then realized later on that your feelings weren’t as strong as you had thought? No.

When will be the next time you travel out of state, where will you be going? I have no clue. All travel plans have been put on hold for a while, so I’ll have to wait until that eases out.

If I were to see you face to face, who would you more than likely be with? My dog.

What is one assumption people make of you, by just seeing you? That I’m grumpy. It’s not inaccurate at all, I definitely have a bit of a short fuse.

When deciding the significance of someone in your life, what is an important deciding factor? How much I can trust them, if we’ve had memorable times together, and if they have the ability to make me feel better when I’m down.

What is something that you have come to realize doesn’t work for you? Trying to have a rational disagreement with my mom. She will always handle conflict immaturely. I will always wonder why she has lasted this long without anyone calling her out on such a poor behavior.

Have you ever grown apart from someone, and then over time you came back into each others lives? Yeah dude, Gabie. I lost her for a while after our first breakup, which was technically two losses for me because she’s also my best friend. We grew apart for around four months but after that we reconnected, patched things up, and realized being friends wasn’t gonna cut it so we ended up dating again haha.

On a scale of 1 to 10 how shy are you? 12 for people I’m not close to, maybe a 6 for those I know well already.

Chose one quality of yours that has caused you problems, explain one situation where the quality was apparent. Mmm when I’m anxious or not having a good day overall, I tend to ignore everyone. I will open messages but not reply to anyone of them, and on the worst days I won’t reply even to the work-related messages. And if anyone asks me if I’m ok or not, it’s going to be seenzoned; if anyone sends me a meme, it’s going to be seenzoned, you get the idea.

I was having a rough time the other day when JM asked me to take over a task for the org, and while I had every intention of doing it, I a) didn’t reply to him, and b) didn’t feel like doing the task until after dinner. When I opened my laptop to get on the job, I already got a message from JM apologizing and saying he had to overstep and do the work himself because he didn’t get a reply from me and because I haven’t done the task yet. I can honestly that’s never happened before and as a perfectionist I was super disappointed in myself and I must’ve apologized to him a thousand times.

Is there something you should be doing right now, besides this survey? Taking a shower.

When was the last time you turned down making plans with someone, why did you? I think it was just that party with Rita’s sister’s DJ friend. I don’t normally turn down plans because I’m always game for anything lol.

Who did you last confide in, what did it involve? I was telling Gabie how much I hate the Mother’s Day posts from everyone on Facebook. I didn’t use Facebook last Sunday precisely because I wanted to avoid seeing any of them, but when I loaded my feed now they were still all over my timeline. I had had enough of waiting for them to go away, so I vented to her.

#survey #surveys

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findingselene · 2 years ago

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a journaling session but more like word vomit I would like to tell my therapist but can't

So I was supposed to journal every month as one of my 2022 goals... but I guess that did not happen. But it is not too late to turn around and write just some of my thoughts.

I was on TikTok one day and saw a video about a girl word-vomit random thoughts to her mom so I thought I could switch it around and do it to my therapist. I can't really talk to her right now since we are in different states but I think of her often (and maybe I'll send her this and hope she laughs a little bit).

So here goes nothing... Random thoughts I would love to tell my therapist but I can't:

Being away from graduate school has shown me that all of my mental health problems are graduate school related.

I am actually in charge of my own time here, which is insane thinking that someone else is in charge of my time over there.

I do get waves of anxiety thinking about how much time I have left in Michigan, but I hope I can carry some of my work related boundaries I've created here to graduate school.

You're going to ask about my internship experience, and so far, there are mixed reviews. Pros: I can leave whenever and work from home, and this job doesn't stress me. Oh and the money is nice Cons: I wish I could be a little bit more busy since I find myself having a lot of down time, and the project/role/industry is not as fulfilling as I would like it to be. I am not meant to be in a bunch of meetings.

Following #4, I am actually now really scared about my future, because this experience showed me what I do not want out of a job. I have started to look at alternatives, but it is quite scary.

Please don't hate me (and I hate myself that I say this). It has been nice to not have stevie around just on the responsibility side. I obviously miss him terribly, but it has been nice having plans in the afternoon and not feel guilty about leaving stevie behind.

Talking about stevie, I've realized that I wouldn't change him for anything. Yes he is grumpy and sassy, but he is my dog. I came to this realization by being around other people's dogs... and stevie can't compare. He is the one for me.

I miss living alone. I hate to say this but sometimes I come home early from work just so I can be by myself. Sarah isn't a bad person, but I think the more I live by myself, I realize that my space is so valuable and to come to someone else's, it's a little bit challenging because I hate dealing with the dynamic.

Long distance is really hard. On one of my earlier posts, I talked about how I wanna be present so I don't have to think about the future. Well, it is the future now. As much as I want to stay in the present and not overwhelm myself, long distance relationships force you to plan your future in the present, and being more intentional about your words. And it's been hard. Ryan and I got into a small argument a couple weeks ago about our lack of communication and it made us both sad, but it helped us to realize that we really need to start talking because we can't see each other so that body language and action you expect from your partner is out of the window.

I signed up for a half marathon in November, and I am both scared and excited. I just started my training program, and yes I've been anxious lately, I think this plan will keep me focus on something outside of work. I am still running slow but it is okay. I embrace my pace, and while it is EXTREMELY hard to not compare yourself to others (especially because it's so easy since you have lots of stats), comparison is joy's thief. If I am not smiling, then what is the point?

Just some random thoughts I wish I could tell you... but I will see you soon.

#journal

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m-logs · 4 years ago

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Hello again, happy 2021.

Another year, another post written at 1:00 am. Well 1:28am to be precise. And if you guessed it, it’s due to another mental breakdown that no one knows about. Again with the insecurities, the anxiousness, and lastly, the worriesome nature of who I am.

When I woke up this morning, I knew it wasn’t going to be the greatest of days. It was the same old “wake up and attempt to start work on time” kind of feel, but today was different. I felt like taking a shower prior to work. Why? I’m not quite sure. Did it help? A little but not much. I was tired, but I knew I had enough rest last night. So why did I feel this way?

I don’t want to believe in this “Mercury in Retrograde” business, but we are in one. And perhaps that may be the reason why, or just my rising anxiety building. Or my mental state declining. Either or, it’s all the same anyways. But the more I think of it, the more I realized that having time to think for yourself (like I’m doing right now), actually helps calm me down. Trust prior to this, I was in bed crying my eyes out. But why?

I hate to say it, but I feel like I’m the jealous type. And I thought I wouldn’t be this type of person, but sadly I think I am. I know it’s nothing and I shouldn’t be upset over it, but the overthinker in me is making such a big deal out of it that this is probably why I can’t sleep right now. Well... one of the reasons. However, I know it’s nothing. Trust me, it’s nothing... HE CAN HAVE FRIENDS OK DONT BE TOO DAMN NEEDY!!! Sighs, I just need to put it out there that I’m slightly bothered by it and then be fine afterwards. This is why journaling works folks. (I know I’m going to read back on this and wonder what I was referring to... the hint is “child”).

After having that thought run through my head, more insecurities and stupidness came along with it. To add on to the jealous part, I think TikTok is messing with my mental health. Can’t believe I’m saying this (because I’m so obsessed with it), but I’m jealous of how free some people are in the posts. I guess it’s because our families don’t know, but watching how comfortable couples are in these posts make me so jealous that I can’t have that yet. It feels like I’m in a long distance relationship (even though I’m not and we’re actually so close distance wise that I can see him everyday if I really wanted to), and I feel kind of anxious when I have to lie to my parents whenever I want to go see him. I know this is my fault, because I want him to let his parents know first about us. I put in my head already that if I tell mine first, he’ll feel too pressured and tell them even he feels uncomfortable doing so. I guess I just want him to authentically tell them about me. Sighs. Why can’t I just say I don’t want to be like this anymore and just want to come clean so we can do stuff more freely together? (God damn that sentence was hard to write without bursting into tears but ANYWAYS). I don’t want to be selfish. Clearly I’m not that type of person. I know he’s also an anxious, overthinker like me. Heck that’s why I’m still so madly in love with him to begin with. But this is really a back in my head thought that just needed to be said. Unfortunately I’m not sure if I’ll have the courage to actually say this right out front (considering that last time I tried to express my anxious thoughts, I ended up having a mental breakdown on phone with him, which caused him to stay up with me until I felt better. But I know he probably had a hard time sleeping that night... so I feel bad... it anyways... sighs why am I like this?). And honestly I just had another cry session just thinking of how stupid I sound writing this. But surprisingly I feel a little better.

This extra space ^^ is killing my OCD, but anyways I’ll keep going. It actually helps transition to the other thoughts in my head.

So today I found out that I might be moving on from a place where I felt so comfortable in, but at the same time chained up. In a nutshell, another position opened up today at work, and I’m heavily considering to apply for it. Ok scratch that, I am applying. Will I get it? Maybe. I hope so. But I don’t know, I think this conversation with the boss really triggered my mental state. And I’ll explain why.

Not sure if I wrote this in a prior post, but my team really is dependant of me. Like REALLY dependant of me. And the biggest problem is my “people pleasing” nature will always hold me back from moving forward. I always see positions that I could apply to, but have the thought of “will they be ok if I leave?” The conversation I had earlier made was rather confusing, but at the end of it, I didn’t know how to feel. He said he has my blessing on moving on since this will develop my growth. But at the same time, I felt guilty afterwards as he proceeded to tell me of my flaws, of the things that I will be leaving behind. All the unfinished stuff. It made me feel like I was running away from all the problems, and that I had to fix them before I have a chance to leave. I felt uncertain of whether the decision of applying to another decision was actually the right choice. Overall, that call made me lose my appetite, and all I could think of was “should I leave for my own sake, or stay for their sake?” And then I started having insecurities with the little things, hence why my “back of my mind” thoughts came to light and was more prominent. At the end of the day, it’s a chance I have to take. There could be possibility that I don’t get the job, and I’m prepared for that. But I think I’ll be more disappointed in myself if I don’t even try in the first place. Me leaving the team will actually be a big blow, but at the same time maybe someone will pull up their socks a little. Take more responsibility and roll with it. I might be hindering that since I’m the “reliable” one that everyone goes to. Maybe being selfish is not so bad from time to time.

The spacing of the paragraphs is probably a good sign for me to go. I do feel a lot better writing down all my thoughts on here. And I feel bad, because I feel like this Tumblr is just platform for me to run away to whenever I have a mental breakdown or in my feels. But I’m grateful and there’s such a thing where I can write down stuff and have people not read/read it. Anyways goodnight. It’s 2:16am, and I finally feel tired.

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listening-and-type · 4 years ago

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taking. The loop memes. The lamp emems. Should I be putting away me portfolio, or can I wait. I keep on breaking the rules and looking at the clock, and each time I do, exactly 10 minuets had passed. I really want to look at how far into the song I am. There are less crackles. I looked, I’m not even half way done. That sucks. I’m going to stop here. (12:53) 25:14 into the music

2:42 10/2/20

I’m only going to do until 3:00 today

I forgot what this sounded like. The people around me are talking, it’s kind of annoying. I’m think about Vladmere, I think that’s his name. He has perplexed me. I dislike this class. Tax evasion. Macro and micro and amog us. My ideas aren’t really ideas. I bet people think I’m pretty strange for typing when everyone else has the laptops away. I actually really enjoy doing this despite the way this may read further in the future. I wanna try this again with Viator by Jack Stauber. You can tell how fast I’m typing by how many errors there are, because the faster I typre, the less time there is to correct them. She doesn’t realize that I have an earbud in. I don’t hace bothe because I’m still in class and she is talking about some flash card that I’m going to wash. The ending of the song makes me a little anxious. I hope n nie asks me what I’m doing. She is calling on people, I hope she doesn’t call on me. The music has gotton quieter. I wonder if I should post what this is on social media. I doubt people would read it. I wouldn’t etit it, so it would be several bocks of text. I want to finish this so that I can listen to the disintegrations loops without feeling the need to do this. I ever tye on word. Waxy blood. Anyone know simplw carbs? People on tiktok are talking about how happy they are to finally eat some food/ finish a mea, and I am so proud of them, but I don’t know how to properly convey tha. If I share this will people get what I mean. The audio is beginning to skip more. They are talking about tiktok. I forgot to kide the time so I couldn’t see it. I messed up. It’ s ok . It reminds me of mother mother. This going ot sound really sporaattic and vauge. I hate lion king. They are talking about watching tha live action remake. They are talking about Whole graim. They are talking, I wish they wouldn’t. The man, Vladmere seems dangerous. For context, Vladmere is the name of a character in an app I have that is similar to story, but it has a better story. The music has gotton quieter. My ears are ringing. The pauses are longer. I wonder If im annoying people with my typing. Do we eat rocks and soil to get minerals. I’m thinking about the pear. There are so many spelling mistakes that I’m going to leave in so that you can see how fast I was typing. I don’t tend to mess up smaller words, but bigger words are another question. If a banana a functional food? I just heard someone’s snap chat. Some random questions are from the class. Cholestral. I have band after school today, I really don’t want to go. I can’t wait for aother art club meeting. I have a lot of stuff written down. Did the music speed up? They are talking about issues with blood. My cousin has a low white platelet count, so when she starts bleeding, she can’t always stop. I think the issue has been pretty resolved by know, because my family hasn’t talked about it recently. This happened over a year ago, so it makes sence. What is calorie a unit of, energy. I wonder is any one has noticed that I’ve been tping this entire time? A court reporter types faster, good for them. The job sound boring, but I kinda want to be one. I don’t typre fast enough. The music is fading in and out. It is doing what I can only call shuddering. The music sounds like a mental break down. I can’t belive the author of this listened to this while watching his recording. I need to make sure that I take car of my slef. I don’ tknow what to write. My leg hurts. It’s because of band yesterday. My band teacher made me do lunges, and it suke. The music is leaving me. It is getting quieter like a fire dying out. California is on fire. People are trying to address matters that need to eb addressed, but no one is litening. I don’t want the music to leave me. I’m going to have to stop seen, because it is approaching 3. The music is so quiet I eed to pay attention to hear it. Maybe my class is just loud. I need to go soon. I have homework. I have school. I onder if people will read this without context and get worried. I hope not, I’m ot trying to worry anyint, I’m just typing my mind. Gtg.

10/14/20 3:14 pm

It is a lot quieter than I remember. Slower too. I can barley make out the original melody. It is repetitive in a different way than before. This is the first time that I have done this at home, and I hope that I do not get any nfortunate innteruptions. I really don’t want my laptop to die, I haven’t charged it in over a day, and I used it all day yesterday. I can hear my family moving around my house. My back hurtd from the way my posture is. This week is supposed to be a break for me, but I am too busy for that nonsense. The music is filling me with a sense of despair. Word keeps on auto correcting me, I don’t want that, I want to be wrong. I don’t know why, but the music kinda sounds like a sad part in a movie when the music gets muted and slowed down to have a bigger affect on you and you can hear all these explosions in the background. I am changing my postiure because this is uncomfy. I am thinking about a lot fothings today. I don’t remember this being this hard. I do not have ear buds in. Should I? probably but that takes a long time to set up and don’t feel like doin that right now. I made a tumblr accountso I could share my feelings about this with the world. I wanted to be taken seriously, them I make my background picture of the backrooms anf I feel like it has taken any respect I mey have formyself. I don’t know what I should do instead. I wonder what the next loop will sound like. I’ll be posting these in parts. I con’t remember if my tumblr page says that I want to do the album Everwhere at the end of time, but I might do it. I listened to that album once, and it was interestio. I felt although I was pinned to my bed. Recently I think my mental health is declinging again. It got really bad a few years ago, anf I’ve been working to stabilize it, btu recently I feel myself slip into old habits. I found a video that explained that isolating yourself from your friends is a form of bad things, so I have that to look out for. I’m typing this on a school laptop with a filter thing so I hopw I don’t get flagged for that up there. The music is struggling to have different souns, it sounds like it is a bunch of explosions iht sounds. I am not sure what to think. I am afraid to tell people that I like their styles because that is considered flirting and I don’t know what I want . When I clicked on this document again, it was like seeing an old friend again, but filled with typos. There are some cool people that I see on my daily commute, but I am unsure on how to approach them and tell them that I like the way hey look without coming off as weird, ingenuine, or flirty. I don’t what to annoy these people, they just look so cool. I don’t tkknow what to think. I am feeling kinda empty and slow rn. I’ve never understood why people end the entences with …, I mean is it so hard to just type. I’ve heard it was aestetic. There is this one continues note in the tape, it is vaugle threatening. Makes me unsettled because it is a little larger than the rest of the sond. The song has slowed down quite a bit. I rememberd to hide all clocks from myself, so who knows how long it’s been. My room is so loud. It always has a fan running. My sister says she can hear whatever sounds comefrom my room at night, I wonder is she can here the disintegration loops. They are so slow now. My thoughta are slow too. I’m tired. I play piano. My fingers feel heavy, like they should go limp. I wonder if I’m following the instructions for my project. I got an 80% on a project, and now I have to reprint something and do it over again. I don’t want to, my grades can handle it. I’m not doing very good thi school year grades wise. The music seems to be fading out now. That one note is still loud as ever. I don’t know what to say anymore. I want to draw somehings, but I fear how they may turn out. I have almost filled one of mmy sketch books. I hear someone going up the stairs, it sounds like my dad. I hear someone in the kitchen. All other sounds have stopped except for that one note. Like a finality to a movie, or an ending to a story, it arries on and

12:31 9/23/20

I’m listening to the disintegration loops. The sound is lovely, but I feel it will drive me insane. The music just cut a little. I got scared like something bad wa going to happen, or like I was preparing tfor something to happen. I am misspelling things, but I don’t want to go back and fixit. The song is becoming more choppy and distant. The static is louder. I don’t think I could every fall asleep to this. To repetitive, and in consistant. Like walking up the stairs until you just can’t. Terrifying. The thing that will stop me is when we run out of time in art foundations. I will try to continue this in my free time yat again. The rules stated no looking at the time, so I only have the sound around me to find out. I took out one ear bud is that cheating? I want to be able to hear everything around me. Sounds are less distince, blending together. Still pretty, but distant. I feel like the loop is swallowing me. I feel like I can never do anything to escape it like it is enevitable, and I’m ot sure if I want to stop. The story behind this s really interesting. I wonder if that one song on tik tok, the one about going fast actually works. It is cutting more frequently now. I can’t even remember what it sound like without the cuts. I don’t know if the loop is as short as it sounds. I wanna try this with a song with words. Like the love’s gonna get you killed, but pride’s gonna be the death of you and me and you and you and you and me and you, etc. The song is no longer smooth. Almost every second has at least one cut or part that has slowed down. Kinda morbid. I listened to everywhere at the end of time, or whatever the name of that 6 hour album is. I couldn’t imagine listening to this while watching something sad. Maybe the guy who did this lost a part of himself. I’m sorry. I should change the name of the playlist I created, and change the way this song is in there. It is out of order. Time is passing a lot slower than I remember. People are finishing art projects. The pauses sound musical and the static has gotten louder. Reading through this in the future is going to be interesting be cause I’ll know exctly what was going on in my head. How long till this is over. It’s so repetititve. I’m shaking. The girl next to me seems to be having a better day than she was a while ago. I have so much home work. I don’t have school Friday. The pencil sharpener is very loud. That guy whispers loudly. I realize that this will sound weird out of context. I think I am disintegrating with the music. It is a lot quieter than it was before. I don’t want the sound to go.i don’t want to be alone. The guy near me is doing really good on his at project. There are a lot of errors on the word doc. I almost never use word. I discovered something new. I know how to hide my task bar. My test score is pretty high. I didn’t get the bonus. Today seems melancholic or maybe that’s just me. I don’t feel like talking to anyone. I’m yping slower. I’m having less thoughts that I need to get out immediately. The cuts are prominent, the sound is slowed and reverbed. I wish the one with all of them wasn’t mixed up, and was in order. Liuckly I found this playlist. For somereason the name of thi one and everwhere at the end of time remind me of Miracle Musical’s Hawaii pt II. Idk know why tho. I’m typing in the same way I text. Ew. Eww isn’t a word haha. My knuckles just cracked. Am I alloed to have audio and visual distractions around me? The guy said I shouldn’t take a break for the best results. How long is this song? An hour? I hope not, I don’t have time for that. I think I am annoying the people around me with my typing. It’s every loud , and , as seen above, prominent. I don’t think I used prominent in the right context. I feel like the loops are taking something from me. I don’t think I want it back. I’m hungry for lunch. You didn’t see it because I deleted it, but hungy. Hahahahha skkskskssksk. Rememeber that? Sksksks. Sksksave the turtles. Metals straws vsksksco girls. I’m so sstupid. Limiting your creativity. Insecurities. I want what ever the loop

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minigoblinnn · 4 years ago

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Hello! Long Time No See

Hello everyone idk how many people will see this because I don’t have a lot of followers but that’s okay. HI! I haven’t used this account in almost three years I think. I’m pretty sure the last time I used this was possibly my freshman year of high school and I am now going to be a senior in September. So the world has kind of gone to shit recently but I had some soul searching while stuck in my house for over 3 months and realized that I needed to try to find what makes me happy. So bc we have all the time in the world rn bc 1. quarantine and 2. school is over, I thought I would try to revisit things that I used to love from freshman year and before. Yes I am 17 and I am no longer a hardcore stan like I was in middle school but it’s been a little refreshing trying to find myself again. If you’ve made it this far on this post thank you so much! This is more of a revamp of myself bc I realized over quarantine that I haven’t been truly happy in almost 3 years so whoops.

Anyways this is gonna be sort of like a long rant but if you end up reading to the end I really appreciate it I hope I don’t bore you!

1. A major thing I had to come to terms with during quarantine was that I am indeed depressed. For the past 3 years I have been shoving down my inner struggles really deep within myself and never officially addressed it. As I’m sure many others who struggle with mental health have had to deal with the same difficulties of being stuck at home, it was a very shitty experience that I had to endure. I think a lot that attributed to it was the pressure of school and the rapid change of being in school one day to having a complete flip was also a major adjustment. As someone who has major control issues and hates very big change all at once this was very overwhelming for me as I’m sure it was for many of you. With this, I also realized I never prioritized myself before quarantine. I never talked about my struggles with friends and I was very irritable around late April/early May when it came to a specific friend. I previously had a major breakdown in school bc I was super anxious over losing this friendship back in February so that was also affecting my mental health extremely. Since my birthday in May, I have since slowly learned to prioritize myself and to face my struggles instead of avoiding the problem like I usually do. I now have a therapist that I talk to weekly over the phone and also with school ending it has released a lot of pressure that I had on me before. I still haven’t really discussed it all yet but I am the type that doesn’t like talking about me in that way or discussing myself in a vulnerable way but I hope I will slowly learn to improve on that. School wise, let’s just say the 4th marking period was an extremely ugly one. My sleep is something that is on and off. I am constantly exhausted but I cannot sleep so I’m trying different methods to try to fix my sleep but that is a uphill battle. I am currently writing this at 4:39 am so if that gives you any indication there you go.

2. Since there hasn’t been anything else to do and I don’t have my license yet, I have been getting back into things I used to enjoy freshman year and prior as I stated above. On my journey of trying to find any ounce of happiness again, I have been re-watching and revisiting things I used to “fangirl” over such as tv shows, youtubers, etc.

Shows I have re-visitied include: The Vampire Diaries, Teen Wolf, Reign, Avatar: The Last Airbender, I finally watched Shadowhunters all the way through and not just the first season

Youtubers: Maddi Bragg (she recently rejoined youtube so...), I also have re-watched Dan and Phil Games, specifically the sims series bc I used to love it.

And bc I re-watched Shadowhunters I re-watched the Mortal Instruments: City Of Bones movie that is on Netflix and before I get bashed I used to love that movie bc I personally think it is more of what I envisioned of what the books come to life would look like minus the ending...I also really like Jamie Campbell Bower and Lily Collins so personal bias but Malec on the tv show are immaculate. Controversial topic I know. And just earlier last night ig I finished reading City of Bones and I’m gonna re-read the entire TMI series and re-read/finish TID series.

3. Along with revisiting things I have sort of slowly reinvented myself ig. I cut my hair right after my birthday so before it was about right past my chest and I cut it to roughly above my shoulders and I re-dyed my hair black bc I cannot be a ginger. My music taste has also slightly put more alt music and indie groups. Everyday I find new bands such as Meet me @ the altar, 100 gecs, and I recently got into $uicideBoy$...but honestly I get good music recommendations from tiktok so ofc. Also with the current climate in the US I have been a lot more outspoken when it comes to politics and my activism. I have a pretty conservative republican father who listens to fox news for however long I can remember. And after the 2016 election, I never really tried to argue/debate my father about Trump and everything but I also was not super informed in politics. But now I am absolutely never silence. I have gotten in plenty of arguments mostly with my mother about my activism. I have also gotten into painting political statement paintings after I painted my BLM protests signs. I have put these paintings around my room but my mom does not like them but I don’t care. So I am definitely wayyyyy more vocal when it comes to social issues and politics and I am not afraid to back down. I think before I didn’t speak up bc I didn’t want to argue with my father bc he would shut me down immediately when I tried to say anything against trump. But now I don’t care. Bc everything he stands for goes against me and my existence so I will not be silent as much as my parents want to. They don’t understand that I have always had these opinions, I just never expressed them as much until now bc I didn’t know how to properly express it. That I am super proud of.

4. Another thing I sort of realized ig was that I can now fully say I am definitely pansexual. Bro even typing that is like wow. Okay okay back story. So freshman year I told my two best friends at the time that I believed I was pan bc I’ve always thought that but I was never comfortable enough to say I was apart of the lgbtq+ community bc idk I just don’t feel like I have a right to? Bc after freshman year I slowly moved to other best friends and with them and my family I have always referenced to only being interested in men and ig I instilled this norm that I could only talk about liking men in front of them and my friends so I never felt comfortable addressing it. I still always had that thought in my head and especially in recent months I have been turned off from guys in general besides maybe 4, all who are actors or Kurtis Conner lowkey. So I’m not really looking to date anytime soon so it doesn’t really matter but I just don’t see me dating a guy. I think about it for about 2 seconds and then I snap back to reality. But yeah I made a pan flag painting and put it in my room and my parents have no idea what it is so they won’t even question me. But I don’t feel comfortable addressing it to my friends or my family, oh definitely not. I’ve put it on my second tiktok account but I don’t let my best friends ig see it so yeah i will probably never tell them until college. I’m sure most of them won’t care but again, I never really addressed personal things about myself with them unless it’s like my depression where I couldn’t hide it anymore but anyways that’s just how I am.

So things I’ve learned since being stuck at home for 3 months: I’m depressed, I’m pan, I’m a leftist/left-leaning, and I will no longer just say I will beat someone up but I will actually do it not that I haven’t already but that’s not important. But anyways, idk how often I will use this but this is an update. I might delete some old posts based on me now and everything but yeah I will hopefully use this to update on the things I revisit! Hope everyone is doing mostly well! If you read all of this thank you thank you thank you! Sending virtual hugs and kisses!

sorry for any errors, I recently put on these long acrylics and I’m using my laptop and I haven’t had long nails in a while so bear with me :)

#tumblr #lgbtq #quarantine #youtube

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