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m-logs · 4 years

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Hi wow 2 posts in a month 😅

Today I wanna try something a little different. Again, another mental breakdown with thoughts spiraling out of control but I guess I just need to write it out to feel better. I did it in my last Tumblr (that got deleted because I fucked up but anyways) but basically just wanna write a letter to the people I want to say things to... but can’t really come up with the right words to say it to... if that makes sense.

So please enjoy my “letters to ________” series. Starting with:

Dear bbbbbbbbb;

If it’s not too obvious, this first letter is for you. Just want to first start off and say that I don’t think there was ever someone who I felt really connected to. Who I feel so comfortable with to put my guard down and just love with all my heart. People ask “what’s special about him?” And I can come up with a giant list of things. You’re super passionate. Extremely caring. Such a goofy boy, always doing silly things. Never afraid to tell it as it is, and be super vocal of stuff. Reads the room well and understands how to go about it. Makes me shake my head but smile like an idiot at the same time. Things like this.

We just finished talking about some of my insecurities, and I wonder how can we make it better so that I don’t get super triggered. I guess I’ll always have this guard up. Always going to be cautious of things based on the experiences that other people went through. And I deeply apologize for that. This “guard” of mine just trying to protect me from the worst, by thinking of the worst things possible. What if you find someone better looking than me? Or someone who you vibe with more than me? What if you fall out of love with me? What if I’m too emotional and keep mentioning things after you reassure that everything is going to be ok? Will you feel frustrated? Think I’m too controlling and overthinking the situation?

A part of me feels glad we got to talk about these things today. How I felt insecure about a coworker at work based on the fact that y’all talk everyday. How she started saying things that made it felt weird to me. How she asked you first if you had a girlfriend. Always telling you she’s super jealous of our relationship. When you told me she pushed you to tell your mom about me... and you did it the same day (lol I know you wanted to but again triggered right now so........... and that did bother me). Why she wanna buy plushies that WE won together? Why did she say, when you said to her that you were not doing overtime and hanging out with me, to “take me with you”? (For people who don’t know... she has a boyfriend and is just friendly. Pretty sure she’s a cool kid <— kid cos she’s younger and he did say he saw her as a “little sister”. Never met her yet... so I’m just being an extra ass bitch assuming she’s out to steal my boyfriend LMAO anyways ahaha proceeding to letter). And I know it’s nothing and she’s probably just joking but just even typing it out makes me feels some sort of way. It’s weird. And maybe it’s because she’s cuter than me too (personally I think so) so I guess that’s why I’m being extra that there’s this cute girl telling you all this stuff. I could tell you (maybe just my overthinking) were kind of frustrated that I kept trying to emphasize how I was feeling. When I brought up the “what if you were in my shoes” situations. Again I’m sorry for that. I just wanted to make it clear how uncomfortable I was. Just to validate that I’m not going crazy for thinking this sort of stuff. I’m super jealous, but it’s because I care too much about you. I know you don’t mean that kind of way, but to be frank, unless I know who this person is and what their intentions are, then I’ll keep feeling this type of way. I trust you. I trust you with all my heart. But I’m always going to have some sort of guard up with this stuff because I don’t want to get hurt at the end of day.

Damn lol am I really turning into a crazy girlfriend? Can I really justify my insecurities or am I just being over dramatic? Possibly all of the above. I guess I just love you too much and just scared that there’s going to be someone that might take over your heart. I guess I’m just too paranoid and thinking of the worst case scenario because I don’t want to fall too hard, and get hurt at the end of it all. I mean I’ve already fallen too hard. But I just want to make one thing clear: It’s definitely not you... it’s certainly all me. And I hate myself for having these thoughts. You always reassure me that nothing is going on. That I’m your one and only. Always tell me about the conversations you have with her and your other coworkers. Never having anything to hide. Why can’t I just be satisfied with that? I know nothing is going on and that y’all are just friends. I don’t wanna break any friendship y’all developed together and make things awkward. I guess... I just wanted to let you know how I felt before I spiral into a deep depression about it. I mean I am a bit of a mess, hence why I’m writing this letter to you, but at the end of the day, I still love you. And I trust you. Because you’re just the sweetest, most thoughtful, amazing person in my life and I don’t want anyone else.

Like who else you going to go on pop/Pokémon runs with? Or call you out for being too savage to EB games or eBay peeps (even though they deserve it)? Go on our long ass talks at night and just talk about random shit. Help each other grow in our careers and listen to each other work woes lol. List goes on and on.

Anyways, that is all for this letter today. I feel like shit because I brought up something that probably meant nothing, but it just felt like the worst for me. And also know again that this is just me being annoying. I trust you and I know you would never do this to me (better not bitch hehehe). For sure this is not going to be the last letter I write to you, but this will be the last time I think about it or bring it up. I don’t want to keep doing this so I feel like this letter had bring me closure. Our talk definitely did, but writing it out helps me let out everything in one shot (if that makes sense). Sorry I told my brother a bit about it, it did help let out steam and he reassured me I’m the one who needs to relax. 🙄 promise I won’t bring it up to other people because... they don’t have to know (unless you’re reading this letter then hi, sorry... ).

I love you to the moon, stars, planets, universe and back. Forever and always. To infinity and beyond!

- M.

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m-logs · 4 years

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Hello again, happy 2021.

Another year, another post written at 1:00 am. Well 1:28am to be precise. And if you guessed it, it’s due to another mental breakdown that no one knows about. Again with the insecurities, the anxiousness, and lastly, the worriesome nature of who I am.

When I woke up this morning, I knew it wasn’t going to be the greatest of days. It was the same old “wake up and attempt to start work on time” kind of feel, but today was different. I felt like taking a shower prior to work. Why? I’m not quite sure. Did it help? A little but not much. I was tired, but I knew I had enough rest last night. So why did I feel this way?

I don’t want to believe in this “Mercury in Retrograde” business, but we are in one. And perhaps that may be the reason why, or just my rising anxiety building. Or my mental state declining. Either or, it’s all the same anyways. But the more I think of it, the more I realized that having time to think for yourself (like I’m doing right now), actually helps calm me down. Trust prior to this, I was in bed crying my eyes out. But why?

I hate to say it, but I feel like I’m the jealous type. And I thought I wouldn’t be this type of person, but sadly I think I am. I know it’s nothing and I shouldn’t be upset over it, but the overthinker in me is making such a big deal out of it that this is probably why I can’t sleep right now. Well... one of the reasons. However, I know it’s nothing. Trust me, it’s nothing... HE CAN HAVE FRIENDS OK DONT BE TOO DAMN NEEDY!!! Sighs, I just need to put it out there that I’m slightly bothered by it and then be fine afterwards. This is why journaling works folks. (I know I’m going to read back on this and wonder what I was referring to... the hint is “child”).

After having that thought run through my head, more insecurities and stupidness came along with it. To add on to the jealous part, I think TikTok is messing with my mental health. Can’t believe I’m saying this (because I’m so obsessed with it), but I’m jealous of how free some people are in the posts. I guess it’s because our families don’t know, but watching how comfortable couples are in these posts make me so jealous that I can’t have that yet. It feels like I’m in a long distance relationship (even though I’m not and we’re actually so close distance wise that I can see him everyday if I really wanted to), and I feel kind of anxious when I have to lie to my parents whenever I want to go see him. I know this is my fault, because I want him to let his parents know first about us. I put in my head already that if I tell mine first, he’ll feel too pressured and tell them even he feels uncomfortable doing so. I guess I just want him to authentically tell them about me. Sighs. Why can’t I just say I don’t want to be like this anymore and just want to come clean so we can do stuff more freely together? (God damn that sentence was hard to write without bursting into tears but ANYWAYS). I don’t want to be selfish. Clearly I’m not that type of person. I know he’s also an anxious, overthinker like me. Heck that’s why I’m still so madly in love with him to begin with. But this is really a back in my head thought that just needed to be said. Unfortunately I’m not sure if I’ll have the courage to actually say this right out front (considering that last time I tried to express my anxious thoughts, I ended up having a mental breakdown on phone with him, which caused him to stay up with me until I felt better. But I know he probably had a hard time sleeping that night... so I feel bad... it anyways... sighs why am I like this?). And honestly I just had another cry session just thinking of how stupid I sound writing this. But surprisingly I feel a little better.

This extra space ^^ is killing my OCD, but anyways I’ll keep going. It actually helps transition to the other thoughts in my head.

So today I found out that I might be moving on from a place where I felt so comfortable in, but at the same time chained up. In a nutshell, another position opened up today at work, and I’m heavily considering to apply for it. Ok scratch that, I am applying. Will I get it? Maybe. I hope so. But I don’t know, I think this conversation with the boss really triggered my mental state. And I’ll explain why.

Not sure if I wrote this in a prior post, but my team really is dependant of me. Like REALLY dependant of me. And the biggest problem is my “people pleasing” nature will always hold me back from moving forward. I always see positions that I could apply to, but have the thought of “will they be ok if I leave?” The conversation I had earlier made was rather confusing, but at the end of it, I didn’t know how to feel. He said he has my blessing on moving on since this will develop my growth. But at the same time, I felt guilty afterwards as he proceeded to tell me of my flaws, of the things that I will be leaving behind. All the unfinished stuff. It made me feel like I was running away from all the problems, and that I had to fix them before I have a chance to leave. I felt uncertain of whether the decision of applying to another decision was actually the right choice. Overall, that call made me lose my appetite, and all I could think of was “should I leave for my own sake, or stay for their sake?” And then I started having insecurities with the little things, hence why my “back of my mind” thoughts came to light and was more prominent. At the end of the day, it’s a chance I have to take. There could be possibility that I don’t get the job, and I’m prepared for that. But I think I’ll be more disappointed in myself if I don’t even try in the first place. Me leaving the team will actually be a big blow, but at the same time maybe someone will pull up their socks a little. Take more responsibility and roll with it. I might be hindering that since I’m the “reliable” one that everyone goes to. Maybe being selfish is not so bad from time to time.

The spacing of the paragraphs is probably a good sign for me to go. I do feel a lot better writing down all my thoughts on here. And I feel bad, because I feel like this Tumblr is just platform for me to run away to whenever I have a mental breakdown or in my feels. But I’m grateful and there’s such a thing where I can write down stuff and have people not read/read it. Anyways goodnight. It’s 2:16am, and I finally feel tired.

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m-logs · 4 years

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~hi~

Here’s my “resurrection of Tumblr” post... version 3.0. It’s 2020 and a lot of things have occurred from the last post until now. I don’t want to go into grave detail on what it is, or given the current situation that the world is facing right now, so let’s just start by saying: Hi, it’s been a while.

Start time of this post: 1:06AM. Lets see how long I last.

Every time I reopen the Tumblr app, I always read my previous posts. After reading them, I’ve come to this conclusion: every single time this app has been opened is due to me being in my “feels”. Posts that were written out of spite, but mainly covers how I was feeling at that current moment. And yet, some things never changed because here I am... writing a post because I’m in my feels.

However I feel as if my Tumblr has been a mini getaway from the world I’m used to. A space to really just write how I’m feeling at that current moment without any judgement at the time of this being written. No one really knows about this account (from the time I’m writing this... no one knows other than myself) so I’m free to write whatever comes to mind. And I guess that’s a good thing, because as you may have noticed from my previous posts, I’m not exactly the type to verbally tell the world how I’m feeling right then and there.

So how am I feeling right now? Why am I up this late on a Tumblr that I haven’t used since last year? And the answer is... I’m not quite sure. I think it’s the “over thinker” in me that is feigning sleep right now. Over thinking of scenarios in my head that is highly unlikely (hopefully). This is why I shouldn’t be up past 12am without a valid reason. And yes, bingeing anime and YouTube, AND going on TikToks for hours are valid reason.. to me. Anyways the next paragraph will have me describe what I’m feeling and the main reason why I opened this app. Enjoy.

I guess I feel anxious. Over thinking of stuff that aren’t true because I haven’t had the guts to just bring it up into topic. Over analyzing conversations where I know how the other person was, but still thinking that there’s something wrong with their responses because it wasn’t how they’ve been responding from before. Just putting stupid thoughts in my head and not having the courage to bring it up. That’s what I’m feeling right now. And because of this, I’m making myself feel anxious, worried, and into the over thinker that I’ve always been. However I need to get over this. Not right away, but gradually. Because at the end of the day, it’s not the other person who’s telling me to stay up and think about this, it’s all me. And yes, maybe I’m scared of how they’re going to react. Maybe it’s because I think I know them too well that they’re gonna also going to start blaming themselves on this. Just needing to be sensitive that’s all. Sighs what kind of Aries am I?

Anyways, I had some time to step away from the Tumblr app and just analyze the situation. It’s 1:40am and to be honest, I should be getting some sleep now. It’s hard to believe, but really just looking back on the things that made me anxious and looking at it from a different perspective actually helped deal with the anxiety. I know eventually I have to comfront this, but not now. Not until I’m ready and the situations are better.

Until then Tumblr, will talk to you later.

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m-logs · 5 years

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~potato~

I don’t know what it is, but recently I’ve been making people upset. I feel like everything I do now a days is wrong. And I know it’s probably just me overthinking it, but I think I might be at that “crashing” phase. The point where I don’t think I can take it anymore, and I just want out of the situation. Or at least, a break.

I went back on that website about “high functioning anxiety”, and copied down the list of negative characteristics that it talks about. Below I will comment on each point, and give some insight on my experiences, thoughts, and feelings towards it:

- A people pleaser (fear of driving people away): 100% me. I feel like this is due to the people around me, the people who you have so much respect for, bring you down so much the moment you disappoint them. It probably came from an experience long ago, but I think that trauma grew over the years and now I don’t want to let people down.

- Nervous chatter: I don’t have this often, but when I’m trying to hide that I’m not ok, I tend to go on a tangent and talk a lot. Kind of to distract people from knowing that I’m not ok.

- Nervous habits (playing with your hair, cracking knuckles, biting your lip): I crack my knuckles almost every few hours, along with biting the inside of my bottom lip. I don’t know if this is also a nervous habit, but I tend to sigh a lot.

- Need to do repetitive things (counting stairs, rocking back and forth): not quite sure if this relates with me, as I don’t necessarily have repetitive things as mentioned in the article.

Overthinking: all the time. Aka right now, I was supposed to take a nap, but a situation earlier led me to think about it, which then led me to think about this anxiety, and hence... this post.

Lost time (arriving to appointments too early): when I’m in a mood, I don’t have any idea of time. I guess this is what it means?

Need for reassurance (asking for directions multiple times, checking on others frequently): this happens a lot when I felt like I did something wrong to someone. I have this gut feeling in my stomach and also sends long messages to ensure that they are ok, but more importantly, to see if they’re mad with me and if so, what can I do to not have them mad at me. A simple “I’m fine” does not sit well with me, knowing that it was not ok. And unfortunately, I will still be that worry wart until I have reassurance that everything is ok. It sucks, but even if I wasn’t in the wrong and someone might be over reacting, I tend to blame myself and find all means to ensure that everything is right.

Procrastination, followed by long periods of crunch-time work: refer to previous post lol

Avoiding eye contact: been happening more lately.

Rumination and a tendency to dwell on the negative (What if? thoughts, dwelling on past mistakes): again been happening more lately, but happens when I do something wrong and think of all the possible negative outcomes. Wow, including this with overthinking.

Inability to say no and an overloaded schedule (fear of being a bad friend or letting people down): this was the point that really made me want to write a post today. Because it’s not like I don’t want to say no. I just can’t. Mentality can’t. And I feel like people are getting upset about this. I just can’t say no. Why? Refer to the people pleaser. Refer to the fear of letting people down. The fear of thinking you are rude because you don’t want to help them, or fear that you’re incapable of doing it. The fear of having people yell at you for saying no. Fear of the peer pressure, fear that if you say no, you’re losing a good opportunity. Just fear, insecurities, and overall pressures from everyone. That’s why. And it’s going to be hard. And people are still going to tell me to learn how to say no. But it’s going to take some time. And just maybe I will resent you for a bit, even though I understand that this is coming from good intentions.

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m-logs · 5 years

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~painting, an extended version~

Earlier at work, I had a blast of inspiration from writing down my work woes on a Microsoft Word document. RIght now, I feel like I need to write down what I want to say, and try not to breakdown during the process. Wish me luck.

As mentioned in my previous post, this summer has been extremely stressful at work. As in beyond stressful. So stressful that one of my best friends pointed out the mental disorder that I self diagnosed myself years ago with: high functioning anxiety. Now I’m not quite sure if this is a mental disorder *googles* but it spoke volumes to me. And as I am googling it now, it is not recognized as a mental health diagnosis (i guess that’s a good thing) but rather its an “evolved catch all term that refers to people who live with anxiety, but who identify themselves as functioning reasonable well in different aspects of their life”. So aka me.

Now I know I wanted to write about what I wanted to say at work that I can’t say at work because of my insecurities and anxiety, but this website that I just googled in regards to high functioning anxiety was an interesting read. So, because of my interest in this topic, and the fact that I have a slight short attention span, I shall incorporate both my work woes and my mental state all in one post. :)

In a nutshell, the website states that someone with this anxiety propels them to move forward, rather than leaving them frozen in the moment. On the surface, they appear successful, together, and calm. A type A personality, who excels at work and in life. However, inside they may feel very different. And the reason why it’s called “high functioning anxiety” is mainly because of this: it’s “silent anxiety” hidden behind a smile.

I guess when I was younger, I never really wanted to talk about my emotions. I’m not sure why. I guess I’ve always been that person to listen to your problems. It could be some sort of trauma as well. Not serious trauma, but more like people telling me my issues weren’t that important. Kind of dismissing my opinions and thoughts to one side. Or more like, “just get over it” mentality. Now, I’m not saying that these people purposely did these things. I’m not judging their character. Maybe I was going on a ramble or they were just having an off day. I would never know. I just knew that at that point, I felt helpless. Kind of defeated. Not wanted, and overly insecure about things I say. Also just kind of agreeing with what they were doing and moving on with the topic at an exponential rate. However, more recently I have started to be open with my emotions and just say what I want to say. But I still feel those insecurities of someone telling me that my feelings aren’t valid. That I need to get over it because it’s not that serious. And I guess that’s probably where this all came from. The fact that I was dubbed a “great listener” because truly deep inside, I wanted someone to just listen to me the way I listened to others.

I always had this rush when it came to assignments and deadlines. Procrastinated, but most of the time, got it done. And when I didn’t get it done, I panicked. I had a surge of emotions go through me to the point that my chest would hurt, and I would make sure I’d have it done the following morning. Always procrastinated because I worked better under pressure. To everyone, I tell them it’s not a big deal. That I’d get it done and everything will be alright. But inside, I knew I was dying, but I didn’t want to let them down. That was more of a priority to me. Until now I still procrastinate like crazy, heck my room is currently half painted white due to my lazy ass. But the more I look into it, and the more I’m reading this website, I guess that’s also where my stress lies as well. Relating this back to a recent dilemma I experienced a few weeks ago:

At this point, I was already over it. I was over pleasing people who didn’t deserve my time and effort in the first place. Went to work thinking “why am I still here, if all they do is reep me of all my energy, sanity, and integrity?” I had a coworker who thought her work was more important than mine, yelled at me for something so trivial. But again, was not the first time she did it. I had people reassure that I was finishing her work while she was on vacation, because she complained to the management that either I didn’t want to help out, or that I didn’t finish her work. I also had other people approach me about “what are you doing with your life?” “Why are you still in your current position?” “You have so much potential.... the creme of the crop!” Ok back to story.

Because I had these pressures from people to finish my coworker’s work, I disregarded mine. A mistake that I shouldn’t have done, and should have known better not to do. I guess this also stemmed from another scolding I got, that part of her work wasn’t done, so I didn’t want to get scolded again. I will elaborate more on the scolding later. Anyways, long story short, I didn’t finish my work, but thought that I would be able to finish it by deadline. Of course, all my work had the same deadline, and I was prioritizing the work that I thought needed to be done, and the work that could wait, I didn’t touch. I booked a “confirmed, not confirmed” half day to myself. I wanted to have an “extended vacation” and just chill, because I really felt like I deserved this. I felt like I’ve been overworked and needed a day (or half day) to myself. Just to nap. Just to chill. Maybe edit a few videos. And when I confirmed if this was ok with my supervisor it led to another conversation: he asked why my work wasn’t done. Why I didn’t ask for help to finish? Why didn’t I say something, because I clearly was struggling. He also questioned whether or not I should take that half day, knowing that I left so much work behind. At that point, I wanted to cry. I felt attacked for something I felt was not in my control. I felt like he didn’t want to hear excuses and that anything I say at that point, would come across as an excuse. And again, I know he didn’t want to attack me and didn’t have the intention to do so. Well I hope he didn’t. But at that moment, I knew I let him down. He had a lot of expectations for me to pull through, only to see that I did half of what I was supposed to do. And I guess that was also the reason why I wanted to cry, which I actually did in the printer room, true story. All the while of him telling me this, I tried to keep calm. I wasn’t listening to what he was saying anymore, and just agreeing to everything he was saying. I kept saying “ok” and “got it”, but didn’t look him straight in the eyes. I couldn’t. Because i knew if I did, I would probably have a breakdown in the process and just leave. Disappointment, self doubt, and a lot of reminders of what I should do, led to me not taking a half day to myself and go into work, making sure that all the work that I didn’t do, was at least touched and almost completed. So what was my side of the story? What did I wanted to say at that moment that would lead to a potential breakdown, but didn’t?

I guess my side of the story would be that I had the expectations to juggle a 3 person workload. And i think the most upsetting thing is that most people knew I was trying to juggle a 3 persons workload, but didn’t try to ask me how I’m feeling. I was part of a project that I thought I was done with, but of course came back because people felt the need to bestow upon more issues to me. I had to complete my coworker’s work that was apparently more important than mine. I also was expected to finish my work too. All the while, I had people consistently telling me I was doing things wrong. That I had to be careful of what I do, of what I say. That I shouldn’t be doing one thing, and focus on another. I was also getting people in trouble, unintentionally. People who normally got my back for things, were getting in trouble for stuff I was doing/not doing. Now thinking back on it, I was hardly asked how I was feeling. I guess out of everyone there, only 1 person truly asked how I was doing. And the person in me, or course, said I was ok. I did say how stressed I was previously, but at the current moment they asked me, I was “ok”. Why did I say that? One of the reasons is because I didn’t want them to think I didn’t have anything under control. Another part was that I was told to be careful of what I say, because people can interpret things differently. So saying that I was stressed, could lead to one issue to the next. Again, thinking back on it, I think that’s why I didn’t want to say anything. I didn’t want people to reconstruct the words that came out of my mouth. I didn’t want them to assume something, when I didn’t intend on that they were assuming. So I stayed quiet. Work politics, a lovely weird and horrible way of life.

The more I write, the more woes I remember. I realized that I’m at a dilemma with myself. Again, based on the scolding I received. If I talk, I have to be careful of what I say, because again someone could take that and interpret it in a different light. However when I’m quiet, people think something is wrong. That I’m mad at them. Which could be true. But there may be a meaning behind my quietness, and if I don’t want to tell you, I don’t want to tell you.

Finally, the last part of my madness: being “scolded”. Now I get it. People get scolded by others as a “learning” tactic, meaning that they only say what they say to the other person out of good context. To make sure that you understand and learn from whatever you did wrong. Others just yell at you, out of anger. And others just do it to fuck with you. Regardless, I personally take all these scoldings seriously. To heart. And I guess it’s part of my anxiety, because I know some of these people are just doing this to make me a better person. But it still hurts. I still get this gut feeling in my chest, and every move I make is more cautious. I feel more heavy, and my head starts thinking of every little move I make, every decision I make, every word I say. I doubt myself more. I mean, I always doubt myself. I may seem confident, but everything I do, I always think if it’s the right thing to do, even after it’s been done.

So now what? For the record, I think I cried more while writing this than what I thought so. I thought I was going to write down, word for word, what I was going to say tomorrow in this meeting I have with my supervisor. But now I feel like it’s a lot more serious. I already had a breakdown at work, kind of for a similar reason, but not really. Last time it was because I was taking up a lot of work, this time its more like getting scolded at for things that were out of my control. And what sucks is that this is getting to me mentality and physically. I feel like I’m getting sick. But I have to fight through this.

To the person/people reading this, I guess I just want to say this. I’m fine, but I’m not. Sometimes I don’t want to interact with people, however I have trouble saying no. So if I do say no, please don’t try to make it a big deal. I’m sorry in advanced, but I’m already thinking about all worst things that can be said in my head. I feel bad. Also, I don’t know if it’s just me, but I don’t want to be pitied. I just want to be heard, sincerely heard.

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m-logs · 5 years

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~ painting ~

I’m sitting here, just staring at the screen. Compiling all the thoughts that goes through my head and wondering what I’ll write about now. Even though I know exactly why I opened up my Tumblr.

I had another breakdown this year. Second one within 2 months. What a record. I promised myself that I wouldn’t have a breakdown again (well at least not this year) and try to handle it, but it’s been hard. Again with the responsibilities, the expectations, just everything. I guess I have to break it down in sections. This will be easier for myself and whoever reads this, if you actually read it.

Scolding - No matter what I do, I feel like it’s wrong. Everything I say, everything I write, just everything in general is wrong. I feel like people need to tell me these “wrong-ness” because they feel like I need to know it. That I should know better. That I should watch what I say. That I’m never there anymore. Meanwhile, they don’t really know what’s going on. Why I do things that may not fall within their scope. And to them, what I do is still “wrong”. Before it was the additional pressures from people and living up to their expectations that triggered the breakdown. But this time... it was really just the test of how I can handle my insecurities. The pleasing of everyone, to make everyone happy. And at this point, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of trying to live up to people’s expectations, if all they do is shoot me down all the time. I’m just over it. Whether that be with work or with people. Just over it.

I’ve started to just not give a care anymore. To give the minimum of my efforts to the people who don’t deserve or even care or even acknowledge the things I do for them. I’ve been more aggressive with the way I talk to people and just my general actions. I guess it’s because I’ve come to the point where I don’t care anymore. That there is nothing really wanting me to strive to be better. And you may be wondering why I lost this “spark”. I guess it’s because there was too many people putting me down, not understanding where I was coming from, and lastly, the lack of acknowledgement. Why would I try, if they don’t even seem to care anymore? I just don’t get it. I guess another thing, as well, is understanding who’s really there to look out for me or just there to give me more stress. I don’t really know why I wrote this, but I guess its because people will say that they’re telling me this as “critical assessment”.

I’ve read all my previous posts about this. The off ness of 2019. I don’t really know if I want to write more, even though I should. So I’ll just end it here, for now.

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m-logs · 6 years

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- chicken -

Another impromptu post. I'm supposed to have dinner but I'm actually quite full from the pre-dinner.

It's gotten to the point where my parents feel like something is off. How they noticed that I've been home lately. Not really going out as often as I've done in the past. And as I mentioned in my previous post, it's really because of mental and physical exhaustion. How I need more time for myself than with other people.

And then I realized that no one really looks for me unless they have time to look for me. That I'm kind of there to be there for. No one really asks how my day was until I'm physically in their presence. Or until I just show up. I guess I'm the same in that aspect. I don't bother too much with other people's business. Not that I don't care, but I don't have the energy to care. Or I pretend to have that energy to care, but it's not enough.

I'm just irritated by the little things. The concerns that use to concern me doesn't anymore. And like I said, it's not like I don't care. But I need to deal with my own issues before caring about others. Selfish? Maybe. I guess I've gotten to the point where I've cared too much but it wasn't enough. I can't relate anymore. Never around for anyone/anything. Just busy with my life. Doing my own thing. Dealing with my own issues by myself. Having joy with just being by my own. Kind of depressing if you ask me. But it's come to this.

When will this stop? When will it get to the "normal" state? Only time will tell.

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m-logs · 6 years

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- bullet journal -

I finally managed to finish a month’s layout in my bullet journal. *sigh of relief*

I think I talked about feeling off this year. I would like to dub this year the year of “Offness”. And for me, I’m slowly starting to just... fall back into a place I was in the beginning of my tumblr writing stages.

Now I don’t know if this is a depression. It might be, but I think I’m just in some sort of denial. Who knows. And I don’t want to be that kind of person who annoys everyone with their concerns. Hold up lemme just explain through paragraphs.. I guess.

The past 2 weeks have been rather stressful. Primarily at work. The circumstances made it so that we would all be swamped and I took on extra responsibilities. I was relied more. I had to make decisions for a team, and not really for myself. I take that back, for myself + the team. Ahh that’s better. Sometimes I feel like the team is slowly starting to hate me (lol) but the lack of leadership showing from other people gave me no choice. Also, again I was relied more. People expect me to... help out. So here I am. Helping. Slowly going insane, but still putting a smile and pretending everything is going to be ok. I keep going to the same person about my work concerns, but I feel like that person just doesn’t want to hear it anymore. I don’t blame them. I wouldn’t want to either.

While all this is happening, I had friends who needed me. Needed emotionally. Just someone to listen to their concerns. And I want to be there for them. But overall it’s been an exhausting few weeks, both mentally and physically.

I guess touching more on the friends aspect of it, I’ve always been that person to be an open ear. Someone to say that everything is going to be ok. Someone to be mad with you. Someone to be sad with you. And I guess that’s where the mental exhaustion comes. Like I said, I want to be there for them. But at the same time, how am I supposed to be supportive for them if I’m not even in a good place to begin. And I know, I should really let them know. I try. Honestly I do. I guess it’s a pride thing. I don’t want to explicitly say “hey guys, just want to let you know I’m not feeling mentally well, perhaps slowly going into a sort of depression that I can’t explain, but more having anxiety over everything. Just want to put it out there ahahaha”. I’m pathetic.

I mean, me being me over analyzing my actions over the past few weeks, I guess there’s some subtle signs. Not responding to group chat messages. Not really trying to make an effort to be... seen. Going home early when I know I can hang out. Or really just not making an effort to go out at all. I guess me not telling anyone how I truly feel, what goes on in my head, what goes on at work. And I’ve touched upon this before, but it’s because I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. At the same time, nowadays I feel like people don’t really care about my life/concerns/stuff. This may not be the case. I don’t know. I don’t bother anymore.

Trying to think if there’s anything else to say. This is a very... impromptu post but I know I could write on here without any judgement. Or maybe you’re judging. It’s ok. I’d judge too.

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m-logs · 6 years

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- cup ramen -

I want some right now. It’s again in the middle of the night and I’m craving noodles. BRB.

Ahh better. Big mood: add processed cheese into the cup ramen. It adds an additional creaminess/saltiness to the cup ramen and ahhhh just so good.

Anyways hi. Actually posting on here within a week. Such a record. Well I guess it’s because i’m waiting for something to get uploaded into a drive, so just killing some time. ALSO going over a set-list for a concert tomorrow. Maybe I’ll just write down my order of preference here. Maybe depends how this goes.

I was re-reading my older posts on here and I realized something, I thoroughly enjoy reminiscing through the old posts. Maybe I’ll make this a weekly thing. Kind of just write down how my week was, what happened, anything to discuss with myself. Kind of like a journal but like I’ve been saying, don’t really care if anyone reads this.

This month feels like so many things had happened, but when I look on my calendar, it doesn’t seem like much. At the same time, I haven’t updated my calendar on time so I can’t really say much since I’ve been “busy”. Busy in a sense that I only cleaned up my room a few days ago [refer back to previous post, titled appropriately: cleaned my room].

A part of me wants to reorganize my room. Like it’s clean, but I feel like i can make it more functional. Firstly, I need to declutter basically most of the stuff here. Probably will do it this Sunday since apparently I don’t have anything to do that day. Will most likely make out a game plan once the declutter happens. I will also provide updates and pictures. Probably will make it a “series” here on my Tumblr lol that would be fun? In order to do this, I need to make myself accountable. So yes, seeing how my room will look after all this would be exciting to document. *gets started with planning how it’ll look like*

Will end it off here. Hope to write here soon!

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m-logs · 6 years

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- cleaned my room -

but lowkey still need to do more things.

I determine my stress levels by the way my room is looking. If it’s looking clean, that typically means I’m content with my life. However, if it’s not then... I had no time to clean it WHICH means that I’m stressed beyond words. It probably took me over a month to accumulate clutter around my room, whether that be my desk to putting away an air mattress that haven’t been slept on since last month. I guess life just caught up and here I am, with a cluttered, messy room. Today I cleaned it, I guess to relieve some of the stress that I’ve been dealing with for the past few weeks. I guess here is where I talk about those (with additional commentary).

Ever since the month began, my life has just been on a consistent “GO” mode. Not really any time to just breathe and collect any thoughts. Just go, go and more go. Actually I retract my statement, ever since the YEAR began.

Mind you, I guess I’ve been doing “better”. Prior to 2019, I wasn’t sleeping properly or drinking enough water. My mind was just in a complete blur and I felt like everyday I needed to do something. Sometimes I don’t even know what that something is. And then, in the last few weeks of 2018, I decided to change things. Not dramatically. But mentally.

I made an internal promise with myself to keep my room clean. To drink more water. To try to not sleep for only 5 hours. To not be afraid to say some things that would probably be better left unsaid, as cheesy as that may sound. To have some confidence again, and not really care if you disappoint others, just try not to disappoint myself. I guess you can say that this is like a “New Year’s Resolution” but to me it was more like a promise to myself to just take care of myself.

Now for the reasons why I’ve been stressed. Well not really reasons, but just wild thoughts that have been running through my mind for the past few weeks. I feel like people are kind of sick of listening to me ramble and talk about these things, but I want to just say it because I’m slightly going crazy. (lol)

So the major thing that have been on my mind that has been causing me this stress is obviously work. Yes, this is a work “rant”. Please exit the post if you don’t really want to hear this... or I guess read this. But if you want to read on, be my guest. It’s a long story. You’ve been warned.

It all started in October 2018. Yes, back in October. I happened to be in the “right” place at the “right” time, and an opportunity came up. It was a... very unofficial, uncertain opportunity. But nonetheless, an OPPORTUNITY. Something that isn’t really seen in my workplace for people like me. The little man. Basically that opportunity was to get hired. To not be contracted anymore and be a full-time employee. Again, this isn’t something that comes to everyone and I am eternally grateful to have people who would help me get to that place.

Now let me explain the “unofficial, uncertain” portion. I would like to say this is a VERY unconventional way of going about it (unconventional in my workplace if I say the least), but to other people, it would make some sense. Basically the reason why I was offered this opportunity was because I did some extra work that led to significant changes. Good changes. I was acknowledged for those changes and people were impressed with my work. So you would think that would be enough to hire me on the spot. But there was uncertainty. That being because they didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. I didn’t go to school for this. My field so different from my job. There was that. There was also the uncertainty of if I actually enjoyed doing what I am doing at work. And that’s where things got “tricky”.

Make no mistake, I appreciate my job for what it’s worth. I try to do my best in the things I do. However, for the past year it’s been getting too... repetitive. Doing the same things every.single.day got exhausting. The routine was getting boring and I was finding myself just going to work for the sake of getting paid. The environment was alright. I learned when was the best time to just break away from work and talk to my coworkers about random stuff. But most of the time it was work, work, work. I mean it’s still like that. And I guess that was the primary reason as to why I started experimenting with stuff at work. I knew how fast I needed to work in order to do these “extra” things. Trying out new ways to go about work. Creating things to make my life (and I guess the life of my coworkers) easier. Letting my brain think of ways to go about things in a more “outside the box” mentality. And while doing all these things, I realized I started to enjoy what I was doing. Having a problem and just figuring out how to solve it. Kind of like a puzzle. Having my creativity and imagination go a little wild in a systematic routine. At the time, I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I still don’t to this day. But I found something that sparked my life at work and didn’t realize it until I had to talk to someone about it.

Anyways, back to story. The attempt to get me hired. Basically a “big gun” at my work heard about the stuff I was doing, and was “curious”. More so skeptical at first, but I would like to say they were also curious. And to be quite honest, I had no idea that I was mentioned ever anywhere other than my own team. But word gets around, that’s fine. Before they approached me, they wanted validation of the work I was doing, which made the most sense. Once they got the validation they needed, it was now time to talk about this opportunity. Well actually after I had a talk with them about what I wanted to do with my life, then the opportunity came along with the plan to execute this.

In a nutshell, I had to come up with more ideas on how to improve the stuff we do at work. I also needed to present my extra work + those new ideas to more higher up people. So for the next few months (Oct to Jan 2019), I was working on this presentation. Mind you, this is on top of my regular workload. ON TOP OF THAT, it was all a “secret” from everyone. Only 3 people knew what was going on, and one of those people was me. And honestly I think hiding this from basically everyone at work caused me to go a little crazy. I told my family about it and close friends to let go on this crazy idea/plan from my head (which is why I feel like they’re so over my shit because it’s been going on since October... and it’s already February). AND to the cherry on top: being inserted into a project; which I didn’t mind being part of because it allowed me to create new things and yeah, you know lol.

Anyways, finally the presentation preparation was done and ready to be presented. I think I only had approximately 3 days to prepare for this presentation (added EXTREME stress and anxiety filled 3 days + weekend), with having countless meetings to go through what I was going to say, and how I was going to say it. Finally the day of the presentation, scared shitless and... it went well. And then... I didn’t hear anything for a few weeks.

Yup. No updates. I mean, people in the presentation said I did a great job. I just didn’t have any other feedback. What was happening with the opportunity? Did I blew it? I mean in fairness, the “unofficial”-ness plays a part here. I was only told that this *could* be a possibility. If everything goes right. No promises, but at least we tried. So me, being me, kind of just gave up. I stopped thinking of the idea of getting hired and just went on with my work. I was still part of the project, I was still doing my everyday workload. Life just moved on. Was I a little disappointed? Yeah, most definitely. But I knew from the start that this wasn’t going to be finite. That there was “no promises” that it was going to happen. And I accepted it. So my life moved on.

AND THEN, I happened to be at the right place at the right time again. Where I accidentally saw a communication message that I shouldn’t have seen. And I kind of knew that this *potentially* is going to go through. I wasn’t supposed to do it, but I was kindly asked to write my own proposal (on behalf of someone else lol) for why I should get hired. Not like I presented and did all that shit for a few months. But anyways, I wrote up the proposal, sent it off to the person and that was that. Again some hope, but not too much. A week passed and nothing was heard. No update again... until just recently. And this, ladies and gents, is why I’m up right now and an ungodly hour of the night, typing away my thoughts/rant/story... I don’t know what to call this anymore.

Basically the opportunity is falling through. Submit a resume, prepare for an interview. All that loveliness. And you’re probably thinking that I’m probably just excited and nervous and what not. But I’m honestly not feeling all of that. Ok I lied. I am. But it’s more so... just thinking of everything again and me being me... the worrying parts. I shall explain (with the little energy I have left).

There’s a part of me that is worried about the potential aftermath. When I say that, I mean what people would think about me getting this opportunity that isn’t offered to just EVERYONE. Maybe they’ll think I “kissed up” to the higher management to get this. I don’t know. I just want everyone to know that I worked REALLY hard for this. All the extra work I’ve done, all the meetings I’ve attended. Countless hours of experimenting and testing things. Not easy stuff. I doubt they haven’t done that. But there’s always gonna be those people. Guess I would have to just have thicker skin.

And then there’s this conspiracy that I have... and probably I’m the only person who has this. But I’ll save that for another post. It’s late. I should go to bed.

Anyways to close, I think I had a lot of self doubt, anxiety and stress. Something that I would have to just work with and try to calm myself and what not. But writing it out has actually helped a bit. I should do this more often...

[Will probably come back later and edit my tragic grammar]

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m-logs · 6 years

Text

- back -

Guess I'm back.

I've been laying on my bed for over 6 hours. Doing what? YouTube videos, browsing social media. But more so thinking. Here's how the past 48 hours have been.

Happy, but exhausted Sunday hour 8 to 16: they say music heals the soul. Always a great vibe playing with people who have the same passion or moreso passionate about their craft. Sundays have been keeping me sane and I thank God that music-making is back in my life. That's the happy part. The exhaustion comes from lack of sleep.

Annoyed and mad, but more so disappointed and petty Sunday hour 16 to Monday hour 15: you know when you had the opportunity to lash out your feelings, but you want to be the bigger person in the entire situation. Me last night. I feel like I could have made the situation so much more about "me" but I didn't. And I think that's why I'm so annoyed and mad. I'm too considerate. I was wronged and yet here I am, trying not to hurt the other person's feelings. Just because I know how they are. And it sucks not to be able to say everything I wanted to say... Because I had way more to say. However let's just put it out on here. Initially I was upset that I was not told anything and had to hear it from other people. Now I think I'm more disappointed on how I was told. I was told because I was being used as an alibi. I was told because I asked. If I didn't ask, it wouldn't have been said. Said until when? No idea. But more importantly, I'm more upset that it was seen as a *joke*. That I wasn't serious in my dry responses. That I should have been more happy about the whole situation, instead of being a petty ass bitch. But it's hard. Its hard to be happy for the person when you're one of the last people to know important things that happen in their lives. When you thought that the news was going to be said sooner but was instead said because it kind of had to be said. Apologies were said, but I'm still petty. I'm still disappointed. And to be frank, I don't know when I'll stop.

Excited, but scared Monday hour 15 to now: today big news was dropped. And although it doesn't concern me at first, at the end of the day... it does. Big career decisions are to be made very soon and I don't know how it's going to be in the next few weeks. If the pieces fall into place, I will be venturing off into a whole new world. New environment, new people. I would have to start off fresh. And as much as it's exciting, it's also scary. I guess it's because I'm so comfortable where I'm at right now. But at the same time, sometimes change is good. I need to take this opportunity while it's out there in front of me. But I'm still scared. And I believe that is the reason why I've been in bed for hours doing essentially nothing. I'm scared of the backlash, how people will take the news if the pieces fall into place. I'm scared of what would happen next. How would I adapt?

And here I am at Tuesday hour 0. Writing in the Tumblr that seems to be here when wild thoughts are running through my head. Another late night session. Another unstable me.

Welcome back.

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m-logs · 6 years

Text

- a little better -

The past few weeks have been... better.

I feel like I need to ramble a bit. I also feel like I need to write in this more but in reality: who is reading this? Not sure. One day someone might stumble upon this account and read what I have to say. One day.

I want to do this thing where everything that comes on the top of my head, I’ll write it out. Doesn’t have to make sense... just as long as it’s just out there. I guess this post is a “home” for it.

I feel a little bit better by isolating myself from a few people. Not dramatically of course. But I guess just not interacting with them on a day to day basis. Sometimes we all need that break from people, whether they be a best friend or a family member, or even a random person on the street. Breaks are good for you. Sometimes you just need some space.

I feel like some people don’t know the concept of “breaks”. Everything needs to be happening for their lives to function. I guess. I don’t know. Just assuming things. *lost train of thought*

I’m not the kind of person who will explicitly say how I’m feeling. For example: I won’t go up to someone and say “listen, you’re annoying me... I just need some time for myself.” Why? In all honestly, I think it’s because I care too much about other people’s perception of me. I don’t want them to hate me. I don’t want them to think I’m being selfish. I’m the type of person who will do it and hope they won’t notice until I’m back and feeling better. “Hope” being the keyword.

And yes, I know doing this will just make people have second thoughts. Maybe they’ll think they did something wrong. Maybe they’ll question who I am as a person. Maybe they won’t care. Regardless, if I need my space... guess I need to take it.

To the people who I did this to (and if you actually noticed): Hi. I guess... sorry if you thought I hated you. Maybe I did. Maybe I just needed space. Cos that’s all it was... space to clear my mind, think about myself for once in a while and just... take a break.

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m-logs · 6 years

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- who i am as a person -

an introduction to me... the real me

Let’s talk about the person that mostly (if not all) everyone knows. The person who seems to have their shit together. Got a decent job, decent education. Stable family, no major family drama. Friends? Oh yeah. A good bunch of them. Lovelife? Naw. Too busy and focused on the now to even think of one. Always the one to have the brightest smile. Lend a shoulder to cry on, lend a helping hand when needed. Never says no to everyone or anything. Never seem to have anything wrong in their life. Someone extremely reliable and will be there no matter what. Someone... who’s really good at putting on a front to hide how they’re really feeling.

It’s really hard to write what’s next. I guess it’s because this is the part where I admit to who I really am. Or the characteristics that most people don’t know about me. Because... I guess what I wrote out beforehand is me. But it’s a part of me. Not everything you see... is really who I am. I feel like this is going to be a long post of me talking about myself. If it comes to it, then so be it.

I’m really hard on myself: Not the average “hard on myself” feeling that most (if not all) people experience. I tend to think I go to the next extreme. It’s not a lie where I say that I’m “reliable”. But I believe that my desire to be “reliable” is the reason why I’m even more hard on myself. I get so disappointed in myself when I can’t do what people want me to do. So disappointed, that it throws me off for a few days... even weeks. It’s hard to play my “front card” when I’m at this point. I overthink about all the reasons of what I did wrong, why things didn’t work out. I beat myself up thinking I’m worthless, that no one is going to think of me the same. No one will want me, no one will need me. It might be dumb, but it’s really how I feel.

I can’t express how I really feel to people: hence the Tumblr. There’s a number of reasons. I’ll try to write it in a nutshell... but I might go on rambling again. Sorry in advance. There are times when the things I say, my “feelings”, don’t seem interesting to people. I feel like what I’m going through isn’t something people want to hear. Maybe it’s the people I’ve been around that makes me feel this way. Maybe it’s all in my head. I don’t know, maybe it’s because I tried before to say what I really feel. And those times, I’ve either been not taken seriously or dismissed in some way, shape, or form. Past experiences probably made me this way. Guess it’s some sort of trauma. Another reason: I feel like what I say might hurt some people. I could be blunt... if I really wanted to. I want to say the reason why I feel like this is because of who I am to other people.

Separate paragraph: I always seem happy: making jokes and turning a serious matter around so that we’re all smiling again. The times when I really want to speak my mind, I feel like there’s 2 outcomes: 1. I hurt them, they resent me. 2. Don’t really take me seriously, will probably think I’m joking or will find a way to turn the situation around to make it more “lighter”.

I can’t say no because I’m afraid: again, this goes hand in hand with being really hard on myself. We can refer to what I said there and apply it to this. I’m losing focus, so I’ll leave it at that.

Lastly... I’m just tired. Tired of playing this front of mine. I’m tired of pretending to be ok, but when I’m not ok. Tired of being bigger person, someone who is expected to “know better”. Tired of the expectations that has been laid on me. Tired... of being me.

Now what? In all honestly, I don’t know. People say to reach out, get some help... find guidance. But there might be some people who are like me: afraid. Afraid to talk about their feelings. Afraid to put their front down and to show their most vulnerable side. To those people: its ok... I get it. Don’t be forced to say what’s wrong and on your mind. But remember: you’re strong. You don’t have to face whatever you’re facing alone. Find someone who you trust and just start up a conversation. Random conversation. Doesn’t have to be about yourself. And then maybe... within that conversation, something will come up that will have you feeling better. Maybe you’ll have the courage to say something one day, and I hope that is sooner than you think.

But some words of advice for people reading this and feel the need to “help”: I’m the type of person who will not tell you upfront of what is wrong. I’d rather have you come up to me, because I don’t have the courage to do so. Might seem annoying, but it’s just who I am. It would be nice to catch some of the signs I might be putting out there. For example: less interaction, a little more reserved, burst of random rants that don’t mean anything... not wanting to see anyone. An incognito “cry for help”. It has nothing against you. It’s just the way I am... and how I’m going to be.

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