#but I guess that's a good problem to have overall
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I think one of the problems with C3 is structural. Matt seems to be wanting to tell a story with themes about Gods, Divinity and Religion, which, great. But if you're going with those themes one of the worldbuilding questions that should at least be thought about is "in a world where the Gods are real, what does that mean for culture, society and community?" and the answer seems to be "it doesn't". It's like the religion parts are worldbuilding-adjacent, like, "I guess they're religious too." And this was fine for the previous campaigns and literally any other story, but for what C3 is doing, it should at least have been minimally addressed.
Part of it was that Matt could have gone in pre-campaign-prep, "For reasons, your character needs to have an opinion on the Gods that is rooted in your background." Something like, "the orphanage that Ashton grew up in was run by Lawbearer people and they came down hard on even minimal rule breaking, which made it a miserable place for a kid like Aston to grow up in, so he's understandably bitter." Or, "of course Chetney prays to the All-Hammer, he's a craftsman, he tries to go to the temple on his holy day, but he hasn't managed it for the last 20 years, and he feels vaguely guilty about it." That would have at least given the PCs some connection to the larger narrative.
It's also that in the whole first arc the Gods weren't relevant unless the BHs specifically needed a priest for something. And themes of religion could have been there from the beginning, which could have connected with the overall Predathos narrative. I think something really interesting could have been done with Jrusar, and worship of the Lawbearer and the Wildmother, and civilization rising from the wilds. It needn't have been particularly invasive, just there in the background, the same way the governmental structure was explained but not particularly relevant for what the BHs were doing there.
And it's such a shame, because Matt is really good with personal faith, and individual interaction with the Gods, but it seems to break down with organized religion. And I don't know if it's a blindspot, or if he was so busy during pre-campaign-prep that he just went with what he had, which, again, would have been perfectly fine for literally any other story, just not this one. It's just that this whole campaign feels like missed opportunities, and the feeling like it could have been so much better.
(Like, for example, a personal frustration is that the Vasselheim parts could have shown diversity in forms of worship for different parts of Exandria, and diversity in ritual from priests of different Prime Deities, and show that despite their differences they are all working together towards a common goal. Instead in communal situations, we get fantasy-Protestantism, with a sprinkle of fantasy-Catholicism ritual on top. (And don't get me started on the alcohol ban, don't the fruits come from the Wildmother's bounty, grown and harvested under the Dawnfather's aegis? Isn't the All-Hammer the God of all craftsmen, including the vintner and the brewer?) It could have still been a bleak and hard place, just rooted specifically in the religions and Gods of Exandria.)
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I'm super anxious now. I don't usually get very anxious anymore (thank you, meds 💖) so it feels... weird. I mean, it's nice that it's rarer now, but it feels more distressing than it used to.
I've got an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow, and I'm getting my conch piercing swapped out for a shorter one. that's gonna be stressful 🙃
#like. it was just a constant thing before#I was anxious all the time about (literally) everything#now it's like... I'm still more nervous than most people I guess#but it's so mild that I don't notice it constantly anymore#so when it does happen - usually before a scary appointment (or two...) - it feels sooo much worse#but I guess that's a good problem to have overall#since it means it's gotten better overall and that makes me really happy#and I know I'll feel alright once it's over tomorrow evening#and I'll get bubble tea after the piercing appointment so I've got that to look forward to#PLUS now I've got meds to help with this specific anxiety when it gets too bad too. so I'll get through the piercing appointment without#having a panic attack or anything like that#personal#I think I should clarify tough. I do definitely still get anxious about lots of silly little things all the time. but my base level is#way lower now and in general it's tolerable now
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#not sure whether to take 33 hits as “don't write this fic” or not but leaning towards not bothering with the rest of that one#probably for the best though as do i even want to write a long modern setting au?#(i mean long by ye olde fandom standards (ie above 10k) not in the world where 100k words isn't even considered long (wtf lol))#also kind of hoping i can get into some other fandom or at least some other main pairing but have felt that way for a while tbh#even as someone who writes a lot of niche things and rarepairs it turns out there *is* a limit to how low things can go before demotivation#oh no!#but i do not enjoy the “will i hit on something more than 100 people want to read this time?” dance with sylki fic of late.#& if you add in a 'weird niche shit' factor to that the numbers are not what you'd called “good”#fluff and some specific kinks seem to do well? but again i'd be back to “guess whether anyone will actually read this or not”#which is unpleasant and tiring after a while :(#i'll finish the other wip though as it's more my sort of jam anyway#felt sad might delete later#two years ago my problem with this pairing was “they'll read it but they won't comment” so i have not had a great time here overall have i?#BUT ANYWAY
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Sometimes I have an epiphany about something about myself being very not normal when I'm trying to explain all these intricate paths of logic and plans and how I map out every little tidbit of every little thing I'm stressed about or working towards n I see the look on their face and go 'oh okay so this isn't.... How normal people approach things.....'🤔
#i was jusy explaining to maria my 'rough' plan for some future goals/trip stuff and#well a rough plan to me is.... plotted out pretty well and pretty detailed overall#but theres a lot of contingencies so none of it is final pen to paper plans#but i am also like. always thinking. 24/7 brain always on always running a mile a minute with something#i do wish i could just turn it off and chill the fuck out#i only seem to be able to chill out when 1) i have a clear plan and can relax finally or 2) im in love#brain turns off when im in love i guess#well to some extent i do still think a lot but not as much and usually its nice stuff to think about#i do really like to plan though. i love a good plan. detailed... comprehensive.... color coded....#personal stuff#i feel like this is one of the areas i come off crazy intense and i feel bad about it#i dont know how to convey to people like. these plans and this behavior is for ME like#i dont expect other people to adhere to or even really think about my plans to be honest#they are for my own peace of mind#its nice when people want to take part and help with some of it!#its nice if people find the planning useful or helpful :)#but at the end of the day when im planning its mostly for me so i can just turn my brain off later#also yeah its 100% the perfectionism problem#i have to do everything right and perfect and never make mistakes and never let people down#except thats not how anything works lmfao#oh how nice it would be to not be worried about anything ever
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JUST FINISHED MY STUPID LITTLE PDBC COMIC 🦅🦅🔥🔥🔥 it’ll be scheduled to post on the 13th because the comic is about the briar zome and if you remember The Lore™️, the briar zome can only be accessed on Friday the 13ths so I figured it’d be fitting to post it then been if it means delaying it a bit (wasn’t actually planned that way, it just so happened that the week I finished it was the same week as a Friday the 13th, lucky coincidence)
#LONG TAG RAMBLE INCOMING OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH#ok so admittedly I am NOT really pleased with how it turned out I gotta be honest#I’m posting it anyway obviously but as a disclaimer I do Not think it’s a good representation of. anything#it’s not egregiously bad I think I just don’t think it encapsulates the energy of pdbc (HEARTBREAKING)#I’m cutting myself some slack because it’s really the first ever long-ish pdbc related comic I’ve made so#there’s a learning curve and I’m ok with that I guess#it’s admittedly hard to translate to comic form because pdbc is for the most part a mess of miscellaneous ideas#and I love it that way. I really do. it’s so fun to write complete nonsense#but trying to string it together IS hard as one could imagine#so! what I’m trying to say!! it’s not my proudest work and I don’t want it to be taken as the overall quality of anything I make#I did have fun making it though so I will probably make more in the future#so hopefully I can improve over time just DONT LOSE FAITH IN ME PLEASE!!!#I’m gonna work on some character designs before anything so I have more to work with in the future#so just WAIT FOR ME TO IMPROVE PLEASE I am but a MERE CHILD!!! (SORT OF) (TECHNICALLY IN THE EYES OF THE LAW)#and genuinely PLEASE GIVE ME FEEDBACK PLEAAAAASEEEE OUUGHHH#very gentle feedback because I have paper thin skin and Will Actually Fucking Cry over heavy criticism. so.#full disclosure i know the art is pretty bland. that was for the sake of time and I am fully aware I should’ve put more effort into it#therefore I’m lookin more for feedback on the writing and stuff. my writing style might be a bit off#< in the sense that I tend to write dialogue more casually. I have trouble scripting it out I just kinda write what flows naturally#but that can cause problems for pacing (speaking of pacing the pacing is bad too#but that’s because of the 10 image limit on mobile!! had to cram it into ten pages boooo)#so uh. yapping over. it is essentially a beta test of what Could be. so keep that in mind#hopefully it is somewhat enjoyable for you guys?? 👍👍
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#suddenly getting a c feels so terrible#like failing an exam once used to#i used to be happy about such grades once now it just feels like failure#i guess i can never go back to that#wow way to ruin my day#and i'm aware its dramatic and there are worse things and many would be happy to pass#old me wouldn't relate#but on the other hand i want to strive for the best grades#i just truly wish that i can go this whole semester without getting a c 🥺 for once ok maybe one is acceptable but not 2 or 3 c's#i only want b's and a lot of a's 🥺#also this made me realize this is absolutely not! the field of study i want to write my bachelor thesis in#i always write the worst papers in this area of my studies 😭#the 3rd c i got on a paper in this area well at least for one i got a b overall because of my otherwise good contributions#but it's just not my thing idk what it is my papers might just lack depth i still need to look at the feedback tho even though i don't wann#anyways i have to study for an exam tomorrow i need it to go well i don't want to be disapointed#at least it only counts 40% and we have another exam to do better on in case it doesn't go as planned#but i really hope for an a or at least a b to not put me in a bad position for the 2nd exam 🤞🤞#at the end of the day i should remind myself that i'm lucky to be in a position where that i get to worry about such tiny things#instead of real problems
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Just started thinking about my department and my program and now I'm stressed out again
#i have to pick an advisor. hell and death#i mean i have an advisor it's fine ig#but still. hell and death#AND i looked at the feedback email again and got stressed#which is 100% on me like i need to learn to have emotional reactions that aren't run away and hide in a corner#it honestly is overall a very positive letter like apparently my professors liked my essays and my thoughts in class#but there is the question of the absences which is definitely a problem and it's called i have undiagnosed somethingaruther for sure#see the issue there is that i need to get a diagnosis. and put in the work. and i don't want to do that ;-;#<- i do but it's just hard and my ability to difficult things has died a terrible death in the last three to five years#perce rambles#i HAVE to get better at doing things that scare me and/or make me uncomfortable. regrettably that is. you'll never guess it.#also a scary and uncomfortable thing. which we are not good at rn#and thus the vicious cycle continues
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"people love you uwu people care about you" okay? not my problem. love me less. can we work out a reasonable level of care where it's obviously not cool if horrible things happen to me, a human being, and you won't do any horrible thing to me, but you don't feel obligated to fuss over anything out of the ordinary i do and i have to shut up about it and perform Normal Human Emotions lest i commit an awful social faux pas and hurt your feelings?
#like idk. can you care about stuff that matters? i guess is what i'm asking?#sorry that my own self-directed problems hurt you <3#sorry that i'm a horrible person if i talk about it and a horrible person if i don't <3#i just shouldn't have problems i guess cant believe i didnt think abt that#sorry i don't really care if people would be sad to see me die#would actually be pretty nice to get past the huge feeling of guilt over not being helpful all the fucking time#like i can't go through life being a service dog for everybody around me#(and i dont to be clear. it's not possible and when i say i feel guilty over not doing it it doesn't mean i do 100% of the time)#(i do try to be helpful and useful and i hate missing an opportunity but also i don't have 24/7 free of obligations)#(and i can't magically spot and correctly understand what could need help)#(but i feel like it does take up a good portion of my life. mostly bc everybody around me has Problems rn)#(and because the overlap of ''things that feel good for me'' and ''things that are good for other people'' is pretty small so far)#it's just. yknow. i would like it if for once i could express a negative feeling without it being a huge offense to people around me#ejhrkthrjeh i know i'm just asking the universe if pretty please my actions could have zero consequences and it's overall unrealistic#but like. god. i wish for once it was met with indifference. casual vibes. not a huge deal yknow.#some of my friends do sometimes! it's nice! but of course i can't talk abt the problems that directly include them#i know it makes me so shit at reacting to ppls problems. like either i overcompensate with the worry cuz i feel like thats what they want#or i react coldly and dont provide anything useful to the situation#broadcasting my misery#vent
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I finally got around to watching ready or not, and honestly, it just really cemented that I much prefer more grounded horror. Like I enjoyed it, it was fun but. I think I would have just appreciated it so much more if there wasn't a deal with the devil angle to it. Like worship satan, perform these rituals to appease him, and when you fail. When the girl survives. Nothing happens. You did it all for nothing. You killed your loved ones for nothing. The horror was of your own creation, it was all you. No higher power making you do it. You. And now you have to face the consequences.
Instead they just like. Blew up or whatever
#ready or not#sstfu.txt#i feel like i have this issue with a lot of horror movie#like dont get me wrong i love supernatural horror too i just feel like the tone of this movie would have improved so much w/o it#i watched another hm recently too where i came out of it with the same feelings#it was called apostles maybe but it was also a cult movie (well ready or not isnt exactly a cult movie but it has that higher power worship#thing going on) but yeah i came out of it just thinking about how much better it would have been if it was just a normal fucked up cult#i dont rec that movie btw it had a bunch of other problems where as overall i felt that ready or not was actually really good#especially if ur into final girls it was satisfying in that sense#ok sorry for the rambling lmao#oh i guess#ready or not spoilers#but also that movie came out like five years ago so.
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Had some wine feeling good made a really shitty bowl in ceramics class this morning that I’m really worried has a bunch of air holes in it and had a really crappy therapy session where I didn’t talk too much but was honest about some other stuff which is good overall I guess but now I’m doing drunk crochet and watching the Duggar family documentary and probably going to stop watching soon once they start talking about the awful stuff but yeah day in the life of a woman doing her best I guess
#like both sides of my family are either Irish catholic. converted assimilation catholic. or part Jewish but raised catholic.#but my mom read the Boston glob report so I wasn’t baptized or anything and despite her born again phase I’ve never really been religious#so the thought of growing up in that environment is like I can’t imagine the pressure oh my god#like I’ve had Mormon friends and have some friends who were raised homeschool Christian married young and all and like#i don’t know it’s just wild how different our lives are like I’ve got a problems and def inherited the guilt complex thing for sure but like#I also never got told to submit to anyone or that god was watching#or to be modest or any of the purity stuff beyond normal patriarchy stuff#like I’m not saying my life is better but I didn’t do church after age 5 and only go to funeral masses so I like the comfort of like#doing sign of cross and saying Hail Mary and all bc it provides structure for grief but beyond that I can’t imagine living with all of that#these are very long tags with no real point beyond wow. that’s literally bananas to me. but did I mention I’m a little drunk#and even then my family isn’t like hardcore catholic. my grandma and her siblings skipped church to get donuts bc no farm work on Sunday#and my dad grew up like doing fasted mass and everything but heard the 2000s Harvey milk speech and realized gay ppl are okay#and then rest of extended dads side is like catholic but vote blue and think human rights are good and all#my mom has a student who’s like very traditional catholic like she was trying to teach him math and whatever#and the live coverage of waiting for pope confirmation was on tv the whole time#and he fights with her about evolution and learning about the existence of other religions and everything#so I guess even in my own family like. everyone’s down with basic science and civil liberties which is even weirder for me I guess#like not even among fundamentalists like just regular Catholics I’ve had a pretty liberal upbringing re faith. it’s just wild to me#to see the differences of worldview#and even non religion stuff was pretty liberal overall despite living in pretty red area. idk it’s just wild how different life can be
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WAIT pause pause pause everyoene, I was todays ten thousand to learn that akechis VA robbie daymond is a va for league of legends???????
#rambles#he voices KAYN apparently. what!#the expression i mustve made kjhfghj 'ROBBIE?!???'#since im already making a lol post. the recent lore retcon update is Such a mess. suuuuch a mess#it will be so hard for them to make it cohesive. and then theres the situation of the characters that have multiple backstories??? (EKKO?!)#this prob means that ill actually have to watch arcane to keep up with the new unified lore :/ dont get me wrong#ive only heard good things about it but im not ready at the emotional rollercoaster it apparently is.#maybe i should liveblog all the things ill notice that have the potential to cause problems for the overall runeterra lore ahahahah#officially outing myself as a person that has been keeping up with league's lore for Years i guess 😅 i suppose i need to make a statement t#that i dont condone riot and their business practices. nor the shit lol community does 😬 absolutely awful in so many ways#my fandom tag for lol is runeterra btw#VA UPDATE gangplank and kindred wolf are voiced by the legendary matt mercer. Morgana and zoe are voiced by erica lindbeck(p5 futaba sakura#and nami and yuumi by cassandra lee morris (p5 morgana. I knew yuumi sounded familiar!)#i dont recognise anyone else but Swains VA was also apparently an actor on game of thrones and thresh's va was in barbie fairytopia lmao
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maybe im just very hard to please when it comes to media lately but I didn’t really like this bsd episode
#im a casual fan so not passionately upset but yea wasn’t really a fan 😭 but idk what could’ve happened since I’ve had concerns all season#I feel a little Ough 🤕 about being negative for bsd+csm+jjk in most of my recent posts ahdhdnsnfj#and it. MIGHT just be me bc it seems like no one has issues w bsd/csm but. idk all of these have felt shakier in their plot and characters#like all of these I’ve been like: oh wow I LOVE this character or scene but overall?? hm#still like all of them but trying to be more detached since I wanna enjoy what I can#im a firm believer of just dropping something if I don’t like it but the problem is I still like these enough 😭 but anyway#going to become a little more casual and just have fun without getting upset lol lol#oh but spoilers for bsd anime and the jjk leaks for chapter: kind of funny how these both came out#and I have VERY similar but different issues w them#and. I guess csm manga spoilers: I was spoiled on Quanxi coming back so that’s good ig. still waiting for chapters to stack until I read#the stuff wfumiko was :| so I’m not in the mood to read yet. i feel bad quanxi doesn’t have her gfs
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#man im really tired of having feelings for him. i should really just keep my distance and go back to dating apps#i long for the connection we have and hate having to build up something brand new#but im really tired of feeling butt hurt everytime he sleeps with our roommate#like yeah we broke up over a year ago. and still casually do shuff. its just hard for me to turn off that side of my brain#i just want to feel loved and be held by someone without having to build the foundation all over again#ive been depressed the past few days because of it. i act irrationally and cant control my feelings#overall its better if i just let them fuck around and i try to find someone new. only problem is im anxious and not a good conversationalist#plus i hate messaging people over phone. too much anxiety abt what im saying and if the other person enjoys me or not#anyways it sucks seeing the subtle evidence that they went at it while i was away. i have no right to be upset but i cant help but think of#him as more than a friend. i cant and shouldnt but we had dated 6 years previously. its a bit difficult to turn that switch off now#dammit i guess tonight im gonna sleep alone again and try not to cry. whatever gotta get over myself and move on. have to stop only thinking#of my self and being so damn possessive all the time#ash rambles#fuck i feel worse now after typing all that out yippee..
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MOMOKI MY GUY GO TO THE HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW
#crab watches#id:invaded#just finished and momoki deffo best boy for me#but being the gino expy of course he had a leg up right from the start lol#funnily i also really liked fukuda despite him being the makishima expy and me not really caring for/about makishima all that much#(they're not really expies in terms of personality but fill the same roles so it's just easier to call them that)#loved akane expy too though i wish we'd seen more of her#like the show feels like it could've used 2-3 more episodes#overall soooooo so so good#if i have one gripe (not even really a gripe) it's that the first world was so freaking cool that it set way too high a bar#glad we revisited it a bit at the end but it was in a slightly lackluster way#i guess i would also say the Big Bad was a bit too obvious but#don't necessarily have a problem with that bc it's the execution of the reveal that matters more than the content of the reveal imo#banger soundtrack too hearing miyavi unexpectedly always feels like a jumpscare lmao#and it wasn't just the ed there were so many miyavi insert songs too lolol
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ok i watched episode 16 of trigun 98 and i have a Few Thoughts, but the biggest ones are:
HE PISSSED ON THE MOOOOOON
&
Is This Some Sort Of Twisted Christian Science?
no joke i had to pause the video for the twisted christian science thing bc i was laughing so fucking hard i was nearly choking. thanks, rai-dei
& of course the Moon Beam which was expected. what WASNT expected was the fact that Legato caused it instead of Knives. but knowing what happened in chapter 32 of trimax, it's not entirely out of the realm of the manga's canon either. but i Am sad about how we didnt get to see the #Looks both Vash and Knives served in the fifth moon incident in the manga. man.
interesting implications all around. im wondering where the Fuck knives is, bc we saw in the manga that he was regenerating, but now it's like. where tf is he, actually? we've only gotten snapshots of him so far. the briefest of thoughts. episode 16 and we're only just now getting direct confirmation that Vash is VERY not human (plus a confirmation that July was set 23 years ago in the anime, which is an added weirdness for new watchers who dont know about him being functionally immortal)
preview of the next episode shows that it's Backstory Episode. im done watching for today but im looking forward to seeing what the anime sets for that
#speculation nation#fanny watches trigun#trigun spoilers/#still laughing at the twisted christian science. it's like. honestly? he's not that far off#considering the plants are like. angelic in nature. and also genetically engineered beings.#which that sure sounds like some twisted christian science to me!#love that this is the first time we actually see wolfwood kill someone too#all the times we've seen him before this in the anime he's spared ppl bc Vash was there#but he just shot rai-dei no problem. kablammo#a lil sad it's not accompanied by the vashwood argument & iconic gun to head moment. but ya win some ya lose some i guess#overall im watching this without expectations of it following what im familiar with in the manga#for the original manga it was taking the events and shuffling them around Anyways#and now that we're beyond the original manga. all bets are off. i have no idea where things are going from here on.#im genuinely pretty surprised by the fact that they changed the location of the fifth moon incident#like why move it to Augusta instead of Jeneora? Augusta is Not Close to Jeneora either#a good 1000km if im remembering right. quite a ways to travel.#it's interesting to see the view of Augusta. bc i dont think it's shown in the manga. hmm#this makes me wonder where the fuck Lina & Sheryl are living. bc it's not May city and it's not Augusta. but it's close to Jeneora#Jeneora is the way point between May and Augusta. that's stated in the manga.#but if it's not Augusta and it's not May. where is it? some random tiny town that happens to be by Jeneora?#idk. many questions. the anime is only making my idea of geography in this damned manga even more convoluted#i do really need to put together that official resource for myself for notes on locations. ive been idly collecting things for this purpose#bits here and there. any mentions of locations. and there are so many. but so few definite facts for where any of this is#oh trigun why must you be so convoluted... why couldnt we get a fucking MAP... and no im not counting tristamp's map#theyve changed shit anyways. i want to know where shit is in the MANGA ok#many thoughts. i am so frustrated by geography. Trying My Best Here lsjdflskdjfdkjfs
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I hereby declare the 1995 "Pride and Prejudice" TV series to be the superior adaptation. Thank you. You are dismissed. Have a nice day ❤️
(rambling in the tags)
#yeah I'm writing this on impulse so buckle up#it goes without saying that tv series have the advantage when it comes the amount of plot covered and character exploration in general#but I don't understand the argument that the BBC pxp is emotionless? like... what happened to subtlety?#just because the characters don't yell at each other?#I would actually say that I didn’t feel that much engagement from the movie characters lol but tbh it's been a while since I saw the movie#not that the acting was poor although I remember not liking the movie Lizzy that much#OK THAT'S A DIFFERENT TOPIC#to be fair I like the lines like 'Most ardently' or 'You have bewitched me' because COME ON I'M JUST A ROMANTIC LOSER#and watching Bingley actually say 'hey I acted dumb I love you please forgive me' felt great#but I think the 1995 version is overall better at portraying the social behaviour and rules of that time#the 2005 movie was visibly made for the modern audience and I suppose the american one as well#is that a bad thing? absolutely not#I find the last scene from the movie quite sweet but it did feel (for the lack of a better phrase at the moment) out of place#because we so suddenly jumped to this great expression of emotions and I was like 'cute I guess? good for them!'#I've watched the movie before the series (finished it yesterday) so it had a bit more emotional value since I didn’t know the story#but I still believe the 1995 holds up really well and I would have no problem rewatching it#I have a thing where I believe a filmed piece is well done when you're able to rewatch it (which I don't do often in the first place)#would I rewatch the 2005 version? I suppose but I don't think I would enjoy it as much#I still have to read the book as well#I've only read som excerpts so far#it's worse for me cuz I feel like I have to read it in both English and Polish for better understanding XD#already ordered the English one AND MAY I JUST SAY THAT FINDING ONE WITH A NICE COVER WHICH ALSO WON'T COST MY ENTIRE SAVINGS IS IMPOSSIBLE#god dammit why are aesthetics a thing#gotta look for the translation now#anyway I think that's it#if anyone ever reads it XDDD#thank you for coming to my ted talk#pride and prejudice#mine
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