#but I don’t want to be written off as some anxious and paranoid teenager

[astral-catastrophe]

I’m so fucking anxious

[just-call-me-the-intrusive-thot]

Soulmate September - Day 14

Day 14 - The first words you hear your soulmate speak are written on your arm. 

Pairing(s): Familial Moxiety, Romantic Dukexiety, Romantic Logince, Romantic Moceit, Familial Roceit, Familial Dukeceit

TWs: swearing, fight mention [not graphic really just a heads up], panic attacks, childhood trauma mention, neglectful parents mention  

--

Patton knew he had to prepare for the day he met his soulmate. It was literally written into him - in such faded, gentle text too - just how much his soulmate needed love and reassurance;

“I’m sorry, I understand if you don’t want me anymore.”

The second they’d appeared on his 18th birthday, Pat dedicated himself to being the best soulmate possible; he taught himself every form of comfort and reaffirming technique he could find, he prepared his home to be as comfortable and safe as possible, and he even went the extra mile of buying soothing scented candles and a variety of calming teas.

When it came to his destined partner, Patton spared no expense. 

Only, no matter what he did, Patton couldn’t seem to cut it when it came to romance. Not that he didn’t feel attraction to the men he approached - lord knows he could feel his heart racing in hopeful anticipation every time - but none were his soulmate. They were always either polite in their rejection or just outright dismissive of him when his words didn’t match their soulmarks.

By his late 20s, Patton decided that he would instead pursue his second greatest dream; adopting a child. 

Ever since Pat was a teenager, the idea of being a parent had been something he’d dreamed of. Just he, his soulmate, and their child. But since time was marching on without any luck finding his cosmic match, Patton decided he would rather be a happy single pappy than spend his days entirely alone. 

That wasn’t to say he wasn’t beyond nervous once the process had begun. Even though he’d checked his financial stability, even though he’d sacrificed his comfy home office room to make way for a child’s room, Patton still worried that it all wouldn’t be enough. Or perhaps the idea of being rejected even by the child he hoped to adopt was just too much for him. Either way, he sat behind the wheel of his car and took a deep breath. The agency had invited him to one of their bonding events to meet the child they thought would best suit him, and Patton truly hoped that he would make a good impression.

Locking the car behind him, Patton approached the sign in table; the warm summer breeze made it the perfect day for an outdoor sports day event. The smell of the food stalls and fresh fruit mixed with the scent of grass, which helped calm Patton’s nerves as assigned social worker, Emile, waved him over.

“Patton, excellent timing!”, he beamed, looking towards someone hiding behind his back, “It’s alright, Virgil, this nice man is the one who’d like to be your dad!”

Patton watched as a young boy cautiously peeked out from behind Emile. His dark fluffy hair hid his eyes a little, but Patton could still see him observing his every movement. Despite the heat, the boy wore an oversized child’s black hoodie that still dwarfed his frail frame and left him with a case of sweater paws. It took the boy a minute to fully emerge and nervously offer Patton a hand to shake. Aww, so formal! Patton crouched down and gently shook his hand,

“Hi, kiddo! It’s great to meet you- oh!”

The boy scrambled back behind Emile and Patton gave the man a worried glance. Emile shook his head reassuringly, “Don’t worry, Virgil’s just been through a lot, he’s been excited to meet you, I promise!”

Patton wasn’t entirely reassured, but he needed to trust Emile’s judgement! So, he went with Emile and Virgil to get their numbers for the events. In that time, Patton learned a great deal about Virgil from Emile; the lad was selectively mute - a defense mechanism he’d picked up from living with neglectful parents who were quick to snap at him - but that didn’t bother Patton in the slightest. As long as Virgil was comfy to just show instead of telling, Patton didn’t mind! It became apparent from his shy mini-conversations with Emile that Virgil loved Disney, especially the darker, spookier movies. 

Most of all though, Patton found that he and Virgil were really warming up to one another. They’d tried a number of different events from playing frisbee, to soccer, to a number of parent-child oriented races, and despite Virgil not saying a word the entire time, it was clear by the boy’s bright smile and joyous laughter that it was going well.

They took a break and Patton treated Virgil to an ice cream as a treat. 

“So, are you having fun, Virgil?”

The boy nodded shyly, but he looked a lot less anxious than he had that morning. Virgil used one of his little hoodie paws to push the hair out of his eyes for a second, letting Patton see that they were both different colours; green and brown. Patton had a small moment of doubt strike him; Virgil really did look rather different compared to him, with paler skin, pronounced freckles, and dark hair and eyes that didn’t match his own. Would Virgil just have a hard time if Patton adopted him?

No, he couldn’t think like that. He needed to believe he was going to be the best parent Virgil could ask for!

Patton turned toward Virgil just in time to see the young boy drop his ice cream. Confused, Pat went to ask what was wrong when Virgil’s hand grasped his shirt. The strong grip and sound of panicked breathing alerted him to what was up; a panic attack. Emile had warned him that Virgil experienced them, but it took him a moment to realise what’d set the poor boy off. Just in front of where they sat, a young couple had begun arguing rather intensely, right within Virgil’s eyeline. 

Thinking fast, Patton pat Virgil’s hair and gently reminded him, “It’s okay, Virgil. You’re gonna be alright, I’m here.”

Virgil shakily looked up at Patton, the look on the poor kid’s face broke his heart on the spot. 

“Can you count five things you can see, Virgil?”, he softly prompted.

Virgil found it hard to answer, but he raised a hand to point to Patton, who gave a smile, “That’s one. You got this, kiddo, just four more...”

It took a little bit of work, but Virgil managed to calm down, finally breathing easier as he clung to Patton’s arm. Patton was about to get up to get Virgil some water, assuring him “I’ll be right back-”, when Virgil made a small whining noise. Confused, Pat stayed to be sure he was okay and was stunned as the young lad finally uttered, quietly,

“I’m sorry,”, he sniffled, ”I understand if you don’t want me anymore..”

Of all the contexts Patton had imagined he’d hear his soul phrase, he hadn’t expected it to be in regards to the son he would adopt, but if fate was telling him that what he needed was to be a father, then who was he to argue? He talked to Emile about adopting Virgil as soon as possible and eventually welcomed the young lad into his home.

--

Patton twirled around the kitchen, excitedly mixing pancake batter; sure, they both knew what Virgil’s soul mark would likely say; “Hi, kiddo! It’s great to meet you- oh!”. He recalled their meeting like it was just yesterday, not twelve whole years ago now. A blossom of pride bloomed in Patton’s chest, Virgil had grown into a sweet, sensible, if a little paranoid young man. Pat had been worried at first about his fatherly abilities, but the slew of “Best Dad” gifts he’d received every father’s day without fail reassured him that he was doing alright.

“Morning, Popstar.”, Virgil yawned as he dragged himself into the kitchen, the ribbon he tied around his arm still in place. It was a tradition for Patton’s family to keep their soulmarks a surprise until the morning and thankfully Virgil hadn’t minded despite things being more obvious.

“Morning, kiddo!”, Patton beamed, pouring out a bunch of small pancakes into the pan, “Sleep well?”

Virgil nodded, looking from Patton to the ribbon, “... Can I-”

“Of course!”, Patton smiled, “Sorry I couldn’t be more creative with-”

“What the fuck?!”

“Language!”

“Shit, sorry-”

Virgil took a second to recalibrate as Patton sat at the table, “Look.”

Pat watched as Virgil turned his arm towards him, expecting to see his own words, but instead he read, “How dare you!?”.

“How… Dad, how’s that possible?!”, Virgil asked, perplexed.

Saying Pat was stunned was putting it lightly. How could their marks differ!? Unless..

Patton rolled his sweater sleeve up and gasped upon seeing new writing;

“Well, I was totally expecting that.”

Patton didn’t know whether to celebrate or not; he’d spent the last twelve years coming to terms with the fact he wouldn’t likely have a romantic soulmate, but now in much bolder text than his son’s had been, he had a new message.

Virgil on the other hand was absolutely caught between excitement and panic.

“HOLYSHITHOLYSHITHOLYSHIT-”

“Language!”

“Sorry!!”, Virgil wheezed, still wrapping his head around things, “I have a soulmate!! I mean, a romantic soulmate!! Holy sh- damn!!!”, he corrected at the last minute. Both father and son were so shocked that neither one noticed the pancakes were burning until the smoke detector went off…

--

That morning, Virgil arrived at school with a nervous churning in his stomach. The idea of talking to other people still scared him, but even more scary was the idea of meeting his soulmate. There were many boys in his year he hoped it could be, but they all surely wouldn’t be paired with him. Who would want a soulmate like him anyway?...

Virgil shook his head, trying not to think of the worst outcomes when he collided with another student. Instinctively, he apologised, “Shit! Sorry!”

The boy, clad in a white and red letterman jacket paired with a crimson face mask scoffed, “How dare you!-”

They locked eyes for a second and - in perfect sync - checked their soulmarks. Virgil locked eyes with his soulmate, noting the smile lines appearing at the corners. 

“Well! This sure is an odd meeting but it’s good to see you, fair soulmate!”

He sounded insufferable, but Virgil loved it. He smirked and accepted the hand up his soulmate offered. 

“Thanks, Shakespeare. What’s your name?”, he asked, nervously letting go of the offered hand, “I’m Virgil.”

The boy reached out to take the hand once again, and despite wearing a face mask, pressed a kiss to Virgil’s knuckles through the fabric. “Roman. At your service, my prince.”

Ugh, he’s so cheesy. Perfect.

The rest of the day, the two met up to talk about their interests, both gladly noting a love of My Chemical Romance. As the day came to an end, Virgil wasn’t able to catch his soulmate before his father came to pick him up, but he was so delighted that he all but threw himself into the car to tell Patton about his day. Patton was so happy for Virgil, he sprung for a pizza and the two of them spent the night watching movies until late while Virgil enthusiastically talked about his soulmate long into the night.

--

Patton wasn’t sure what he expected when he turned up at the school’s office, but his son sitting there with a bruised eye and several bandages covering his cheeks and knuckles wasn’t it.

As soon as Virgil clocked Patton, he saw the kid slump in disappointment with himself. Well that won’t do. He sat down next to Virgil and put an arm around his son, “What happened, kiddo? If someone’s picking on you, you can tell me-”

“My soulmate did this.”, Virgil spat quietly, bringing his knees up to his chest with a groan of pain; whether it was from putting his bruised cheek on top of his knee, or the emotional pain, Pat wasn’t sure. But having your soulmate do something so cruel!? Why!?

“Virgil.. What happened?”

Virgil whined in his throat but eventually relented and explained the situation to Patton…

He’d entered the hallway after lunch, not having seen Roman all day until he spotted him talking with a tall, serious looking boy wearing dark blue glasses. Virgil made his way over, only to feel his heart sink as Roman kissed the taller boy’s cheek as he left for class. What the hell!? Feeling hurt, Virgil shook with each step on the way to Roman,

“Roman!?”

The boy turned to him, “Yes? What do you want-?”

“Are you kidding me!?”, Virgil couldn’t help the outburst, “We’ve been soulmates for less than a day and you’re cheating on me already!?”

Man, Roman really wasn’t tooting his own horn yesterday; his confused face looked almost real.

“Who-?? What in the name of Heather Chandler are you talking about!?”

“Are...Are you messing with me?! I just saw you kiss that guy!”

“Yeah?! He’s my soulmate!?”, Roman sounded angry which only made Virgil angrier.

“But you’re MY soulmate?! You-!! You spent all of yesterday with me, you asshole!!” 

He wasn’t sure if the tightness in his heart was betrayal or a panic attack oncoming, but Virgil couldn’t fight the tears threatening his eyes. Roman furrowed his brow, having the audacity to look concerned for him.

“Look, I don’t know who you are but maybe you’ve got the wrong person-”, he went to put a hand on Virgil’s shoulder to calm him down, but Virgil slapped it away angrily.

“Don’t you DARE try that shit with me! It was you- You know what, fuck you! Go enjoy your little cheating buddy, I’m done with this soulmates shit!!!”

He turned to leave when Roman went to grab his sleeve in frustration, “Hey, don’t-”

Virgil didn’t remember pushing Roman that hard, but the next thing he knew, the stronger boy was holding his nose that’d hit the wall with a little bloody splat from the impact. Oh dear. The little remaining colour in Virgil’s face drained as he realised he’d have to escape or risk a fight with a guy who looked like he could drop him in one punch.

But his stupid body wouldn’t move in time. 

“.... And then we got into a fight in the hallway, then the principal came along and-!”

Patton wrapped his arm around Virgil’s shoulders, gently soothing the poor kid.

“It’s alright, kiddo, I’ll talk to your principal and do what I can, okay?”

Virgil nodded, clearly still anxious, but as the principal’s door opened and Roman stepped out looking like he’d been six rounds with a tennis ball launcher. He’d never admit it out loud, but Patton was secretly impressed with how much of a fight Virgil must’ve put up. Roman’s glare found Virgil while he sat as far opposite he and his father as possible, muttering under his breath,

“I can’t believe I have to put up with this travesty-”

Enraged, Virgil hissed at him, “When are you gonna stop pretending you don’t recognise me!? Just admit you’re a cheating asshole!”

“Oh for the love of-!”

Removing his letterman and rolling the sleeve of his maroon shirt and all but shoved his forearm into Virgil’s face. To Virgil’s horror, it had changed, “Falsehood, this is physics.”.

“... That…. That’s not...”

“Not what?! Not the right soulmark!? How surprising! It’s almost like I told you hundreds of times I wasn’t your goddamn soulmate, you violent lying heathen!”

“I’m not lying!!”, Virgil protested, his frantic stare looking between both Patton and Roman, “It really did say something else yesterday-”

“Your deception is so blatant, it’s laughable.” 

They all turned in time to see a figure Virgil recognised all too reluctantly. The boy Roman had kissed earlier had arrived, meeting Virgil’s form with a scrutinising gaze that held nothing but contempt. 

“Roman was absent yesterday.”, he explained, “I have the texts he sent me in advance to prove as such.”

Virgil hated his condescending tone almost as much as he hated how much his stomach clenched in pain seeing the adoring smile on Roman’s face.

“Thank god you kept them, Logan.”, Roman sighed, “Otherwise this lying ruffian would-”

“That’s enough!”

Even Logan flinched at Patton’s outburst. There was only so much he could take, but calling his son, his pride and joy, a ruffian!? A liar!? That was too far. 

“I dunno whats going on here,”, he began, voice firm and scolding, unmistakably a fatherly tone, “But I know my son, and there’s no reason for Virgil to lie about this. Honestly, you both look like smart boys, what reason would Virgil have for being so persistent?”

Roman and Logan shared a glance, the latter stoic as ever while the former tried to explain the discrepancy away, “He… Perhaps he’s delusional...”

Patton wasn’t amused. 

“Try again.”

Virgil was stunned to hear his father sound so stern, unable to keep the smirk of pride off of his face.

“Then he-! He must be doing it for attention-!”

“Virgil?“, Patton asked, not missing a beat and unbreaking with the eye contact with Roman.

“Yeah, Popstar?”

“You said it was just you and Roman when you confronted him and when you ran into him the first time, right?”

“Yeah, basically.”

“Then it wouldn’t have been for attention, surely.”, Patton explained, “If anything, it’s shaping up to look more like you were really playing a mean trick on Virgil..”

Roman shuffled uncomfortably, causing Logan to butt in to try and defend his soulmate, “If you will kindly refrain from badgering Roman, I would like to point out that Roman is not the type to attempt this kind of mean spirited prank. Also, you are being rather biased in your opinion-”

“And you’re not?”, Patton retorted, “I don’t mean any offense, Logan, right?”

Logan nodded.

“Well, Logan, you’re Roman’s soulmate, correct?”

“Correct.”

“Then you’re also biased. So what’s the difference?”

The flabbergasted look on Logan’s face was priceless to Virgil who looked to his father like he was a God among men. His dad is so COOL. Just then, the principal opened the office door, 

“Sorry to interrupt but like, Virgil, I’ll need to talk to your father now.”

Oof, there goes that fleeting serotonin. Patton nodded and got up, ruffling Virgil’s hair, “Try not to get into another fight in the meantime, okay kiddo?”

Virgil avoided looking at Roman or Logan, “.... No promises.”

For a good few minutes, the three of them sat in silence, Virgil hiding in his hoodie like a lifeline to avoid looking at his soulmate-but-not-anymore. Just hearing them quietly talk to each other so softly and affectionately made him want to be sick. Why did the soulmark change? Could Roman really have just been playing a shitty trick on him? As much as he hated to admit it, every time Roman looked his way now, Virgil could tell that the guy felt awful. Whether it was guilt over a joke too far or for Virgil being so convinced and turning out to be wrong, the emo had no idea.

Virgil’s brain tuned into the conversation between the two boys across from him, catching the tail end of an unrelated conversation.

“Oh, Roman, I didn’t see Remus this morning, would you mind returning the book I borrowed last week back to him?”

“Don’t bother, he’ll be here pretty soon anyway.”, Roman groaned and slumped in his seat, “He’s at the dentist but dad should be bringing him along-”

“Hold up.”, Virgil finally spoke up, cursing how rough his voice sounded as the two looked his way, “Sorry but um, did you just say you have a brother?”

“Yeah?”, Roman crossed his arms, trying to seem pissed still.

“Does he happen to look like you?“

“No shit, we’re twi-”

From the mutual horrified look they each gave the other, they had both figured out the problem just as a man walked into the office in a rather expensive looking business suit followed by what could only be described as a near perfect clone of Roman; only instead of Roman’s signature reds, golds, and whites, the chaotic looking boy sported a mix of blacks, silvers, and greens. Without either of them having to say another word, their theory was confirmed as Roman’s twin, Remus, grinned brightly, “VIRGIL~!!!!”, making a beeline for the stunned emo.

Virgil didn’t have a second to think as Remus scooped him into a hug. Yeowch, what a grip. 

“Dude, my ribs-”

“Whoop, my bad- Hey what the fuck!?”, Remus put Virgil down in time to realise he was covered in bruises, “Who did it?! They’re a deadman, just say the word, Virge-”

The man from before cleared his throat, “Remus, please do keep us all in the dark. You know I enjoy being confused.”

Remus turned to the man just as Patton’s father walked out of the office into the commotion and gestured to Virgil like he was the holy grail itself, 

“Dad, he’s my soulmate!! It’s kinda a long story, but since Roman was out sick, I figured “Hey why not see if I could be Roman for a day?!” but then I met Virge here and I had to keep up the Roman shtick, but then I wanted him to see me without all the Roman getup but by then I couldn’t find him again!”, he turned to Virgil apologetic but no less chaotic, “I wanted to say something before but I figured you’d think I was super crazy!”

Both parents were rather stunned to say the least.

“Well, I was totally expecting that.”, Janus murmured.

“Yeah, me neither.”, Patton agreed.

Both men turned to each other, ignoring their respective sons at the moment in favour of sharing a surprised glance. Patton couldn’t help but note how handsome the man was; beautiful piercing green eyes, tanned skin with patches of vitiligo, honey brown hair that stayed tucked neatly under his bowler hat. If Patton had known his soulmate would look this handsome, he’d have worn more than just his grey cardigan, blue polo shirt, and khaki shorts. However, the handsome man didn’t seem to mind, if the affectionate smirk he sported was any indication. He took Patton’s hand and lifted it to his lips, kissing it softly,

“Janus King,”, he uttered with a silky voice that set Patton’s heart aflutter, “Had I known my soulmate was so breathtaking, I’d have sought you out sooner.”

Patton’s face flushed bright red. He needed to take a second before he could answer, “Pa...Patton Sanders.”, he smiled bashfully, “I ought to be careful, I guess. I don’t wanna go to jail for theft.” 

It wasn’t his best joke, but Janus’ shoulders heaved in a silent chuckle, “Don’t worry, I wold be happy to defend you in court-”

“Uuugh, get a room.”, both twins groaned in unison; Roman still leaning on Logan while Remus was peppering Virgil with kisses.

Their father affectionately flipped them the bird while Patton shyly rubbed the back of his neck. Through the silence, the headmaster cleared his throat, “Like, I wanna go home sometime today, so like, if you all have your shit sorted then that’s great. Now go. Shoo.”

They didn’t need to be told twice; the ragtag group all made their way home once Janus and Patton had exchanged details and finally pried Remus off of his overwhelmed but adoring soulmate.

-----

Day 14, and I’m stll gonna try and get this all done, juST WATCH MEEEE

Fun stuff I wanted to include but couldn’t find the time to put in:

- Logan’s soulmark was “Why do you have those [science textbooks]? This is History right?”

- As you can guess, they met when Roman came to the wrong class and noticed Logan whipping out the Physics textbooks

- The reason fate made Patton adopt Virgil first was because without Virgil, Patton would’ve never crossed paths with his soulmate

- While Virgil is adopted, Janus used a surrogate and wasn’t expecting twins but he’s no less delighted to be their father. Even if they’re little shits.

- Probably obvious but the headmaster is Remy because heck it I love him.

@tsshipmonth2020

Taglist: @somehow-i-got-an-account   @cateye-glasses   @fandomsofrandom

[smittenswithmittens]

It has been several months since I have written anything here, but reading through some of my past posts and messages, I feel I want to continue as I set out to do.

I haven’t self harmed since about May - so that’s really good for me. I’ve recently started counselling with a local organisation and have been trying to keep productive. I’ve been writing music and cooking food and generally, been considerably better and less erratic with my moods.

I still struggle with eating; I am now 9 stone, but feel I won’t be happy until I’m 7 stone. I skip meals and say I’m not hungry, but I am trying to focus more on eating healthier and not obsessing so much over others’ opinions of my body.

I rarely go out anywhere lately; on nights out and such, because I know I get anxious easily and panic and react badly to crowds. If I do go out, I try to stay self-aware and sober enough to know when to stop and go home. A few weeks ago, I was spiked and assaulted on the way home from the pub. I have no memory of what actually happened, but again, I was too afraid to go to the police or talk in detail to anybody about it because I felt it was my fault. I just brushed it under the proverbial rug and laughed about it; silly Samantha always getting beaten up by strangers. I was receiving abusive texts and calls for days after the event from an unknown number. I felt sick and couldn’t sleep or eat because I was so afraid; unaware of how anybody could have gotten my number and identity. I was paranoid and angry, and I still break down into tears if I am reminded of anything that happened that day. But sometimes, it’s easier to hide these things and joke about them to yourself rather than accept that you are confused and upset. I want to seem like a strong person, and my family and friends don’t need another setback in their lives. It was my fault for leaving the house. It was my fault for wearing a skirt…

A family member looks after my finances for me. It’s difficult; I hide it from people because I feel pathetic. I’m thirty-two and feel like a twelve year old. But it is necessary for the time being, as I know that if I get into a high mood or feel impulsive and reckless - I will spend all my money in one go and end up in debt again. Some days I don’t mind, but other days, I really struggle with the lack of independence.

I saw my old childhood best friend the other day, in her workplace. I had no idea she would be there. It felt strange; she is married now, with a mortgage and a good career. She seemed happy and I am pleased for her. She was…I suppose…a grown up.

But to me, just talking to her like a ‘grown up’ felt like we were still children, playing ‘house’. I wanted so badly to hug her; tell her I’m not okay, that I miss her friendship, that I miss seeing her every day on the walk to school and sharing music and talking about how much life sucks (as angsty teenagers do). I feel like I’m still stuck in that teenager mindset. I listen to music and write and I struggle just as much…I felt like she was my sister at one point. I thought we would always be friends. But now she’s an adult and she’s so far away from who we used to be. I sometimes feel life passes by so quickly, it leaves you behind sometimes. People leave you behind. She didn’t do anything wrong and I have nothing but love for her and anyone who used to be a friend in my earlier years; if anything, I was the person who pushed everybody away.

…yet, I feel there is nothing left behind from my childhood; I kinda accepted that a long time ago. Seeing her…it brought all these memories back. How I used to be a person. How things happened that we experienced together. How I used to have a future. I wish her all the best and I sincerely hope she is happy. I feel guilty that I was so caught off-guard by our interaction, and I hope that one day, she will understand why I was acting so weird and distant. I will always be grateful for her patience with me when we were little, before everything became so complicated…

I hope you are doing okay; whoever reads this.

X

[motherlifesucher-archives]

my everything l Shawn Mendes Imagine.

a/n: kinda short but I really needed to post something. I’ll hopefully by able to finish the first part of a Hogwarts!Shawn series soon <3. Hope you enjoy it.

OH AND THIS IS FOR THE ANON WHO REQUESTED AN IMAGINE FEATURING TOM HOLLAND! It’s not much but I hope you like it <3

prompt: Shawn & (y/n) get in a fight hours before she’s badly injured shooting her new movie. (I shamelessly included Tom Holland on this, im sorry lol)

Everybody knew you and Shawn were together.

It had taken one sneaky paparazzi to capture you holding hands while you were hanging out four months into the relationship.

Both your agent and publicist, more strictly than Shawn’s, had warned you that being seen with him was going to be bad for you, more importantly, your career, since his large fanbase was mostly teenage girls who didn’t care to think twice before going on Twitter and start speeding rumors about yourself, jeopardizing your career.

So it was safe to say your entire team was pretty bummed when the news got out; telling you off because you weren’t able to keep it a secret for at least a bit more time. Even Marvel, who you were shooting for at the time, were mad because they didn’t want one of their new recruits to have a damaged reputation.

All of this had happened almost a week ago; exactly on the same day you were visiting Shawn on the last show of the North American leg of the tour, and the two days you were supposed to spend together to relax before he had to fly to LA for the VMAs and you back to Atlanta to keep filming.

Long story short; the Boston show was a nightmare.

You were paranoid about people knowing where you were, constantly receiving texts from your agent who was monitoring paparazzi and the spots were fans could see you, which made Shawn extremely upset.

Upset because this was your first show attending as his girlfriend and you were finally going to meet his family and feel part of Shawn’s team and instead of enjoying it, you were looking extremely anxious at every person who crossed the door or even talked to you, which led to an argument as everyone was celebrating the last show of the leg.

You were on Shawn’s dressing room, trying to control yourself and your breathing when the door opened, making you jump. A sigh of relief escaped your lips when you saw Shawn, but he only chuckled.

“Oh, so you are even flinching when I get to the room?” Shawn questioned you with an eyebrow raised.

“Shawn...” you closed your eyes, trying to hold back the tears.

“Don’t. Seriously, don’t even try to deny that you have been avoiding everyone tonight.”

“I wasn’t going to deny it.”

“Good. Then can you tell me why you decided to act this way today? A very important day, if you don't mind me reminding you.” 

“You know what’s going on, Shawn. I’m sorry I’m letting it get the best of me but I can’t help it.” you said placing your head on your hands.

“Is this about your manager thing? are you serious?” he huffed.

“It’s not just my manager, Shawn. It’s my entire team, plus, if you forgot, freaking Marvel is upset that my reputation as an actress will be damaged because of this whole drama.” you responded bitterly.

“Drama? Oh, so now us being together is drama.” 

“Shawn, just give me some time! You have to admit your fans can be a bit harsh, and your career is getting more successful every day and that makes things harder; for me, for us...”

“So now my career it’s a problem?”

You closed your eyes and sighed, “You know I didn't mean it like that, I’m sorry.”

Shawn remained silent.

“Maybe you should just go. If you’re not willing to be with me because of your career then leave, I'm really not willing to be in a relationship that will be filled with fear and anger.”

“Neither am I, but just give me some time. Shawn, please.” you said on a thin voice.

“This is a big night for me, so please, just... Just leave.” he said scratching the back of his neck.

You harshly bit your lower lip, somehow thinking that would stop your tears from falling as you walked to collect your Calvin Klein leather bag. 

“Can you at least call me? I really like you, this is just hard for me” you said fixing your eyes on his.

His expression was difficult to read; he looked angry yet sad. He closed his eyes and sighed before answering:

“I know. Be safe”

And with that he exited the room, going back to the celebration he deserved.

Today was the day you were supposed to spend with Shawn after the show, but after countless texts from your part, Shawn told you he preferred to spend his time with his family.

Meaning you were stuck in your hotel room for another two days, trying to figure out whether or not you and Shawn were still a couple.

You craved to go back to the days were the two of you were just hanging out, with flirty looks and shy smiles, and then to the days were you would just make out on the couch, forgetting about the world outside.

Now, that seemed so far away yet the only thing you wanted was to rest your head on his thigh as he stroked your hair and kiss his plump lips.

Deciding to do something useful, you took the watermarked script with your name written on the center; even if you had gone through the lines over and over again, it felt like it wasn’t enough.

Almsot two hours later your phone rang, making you literally drop the script t the floor and looking for the phone, hoping it was Shawn who wanted to talk and spend the next day with you.

But instead, it was a text message that read:

‘Heard you’re in Boston?’

Even if it wasn’t the text you were waiting for, it made you smile anyway.

‘What? Are you spying on me, Holland?’

‘You wish. I’m in New York. You up for some adventure before heading to Atlanta?’

You wanted to say no, but knowing that Shawn probably still didn’t want to see you and you definitely weren’t planning on staying at the hotel for another two days, decided to call your manager, just in case, who thought the idea of you and Tom hanging out was perfect.

‘See you tomorrow, idiot’

You sighed and bit your lips, internally debating on whether or not you should feel Shawn that you were leaving Boston. As usual, your fingers were faster than your brain as you texted him, letting him know you weren’t going to stay around and that you were still waiting for him to call.

No answer arrived.

-

Working for Marvel meant them watching your every step, which was both a good and bad thing.

Bad, because of all the things named before and good, because they were amazing at solving problems and making your life easier.

Like getting you a private plane in the matter of an hour.

Your team managed to get you a room on the same hotel Tom was staying, so you made plans to meet at the gym.

Putting on your favorite sports bra and leggings, you made your way to the gym, where you saw your co-star already lifting.

“Couldn’t wait for me?” you teased him and smiled.

“Hey you,” he greeted with his British accent. “It’s so good to see you”

“Wish I could say the same” he was going to answer you but his personal trainer appeared.

“Hey (y/n), didn’t know you where here.” he waved at you, since he was the trainer Marvel appointed for Tom, which meant he was always around.

“Yeah, I guess I needed some time before going back to the set” you shrugged.

The conversation continued as both you and Tom worked out, but as you saw Tom start putting the hand wraps, an idea popped in your mind.

“Think you can beat me at boxing?” you said raising an eyebrow.

“I could do it on my sleep.” Tom answered cockily.

“Wanna discover it?” 

“You’re on.” He chuckled.

Two hours later, you were on the hotel room, checking your Instagram story, where you had posted videos of you and Tom working out, which made everyone go crazy.

Including Shawn.

´So, you left Boston to go hang out with another guy? Smooth.’

You almost threw your phone against the wall, finally deciding it was enough of the fight.

‘Sorry, would’ve let you know but you were so busy not answering my texts’

His answer didn’t take long.

‘I don’t know if I can be with someone who runs away at the first fight’

‘Good, let me know when you decide’

Shawn had been going over the fight over and over again for the past days. 

He knew how difficult it was to be in the spotlight, yet he couldn’t bring himself to understand your point of view.

He really wanted to, but he just couldn’t, making him think over and over again if the relationship was worth it.

If keeping a relationship with one person on the move was hard, keeping it with both parts involved constantly traveling was almost insane, but he didn’t want it any other way, because just by seeing your eyes everything was worth it.

and that’s when he knew he had to call you and figure things out.

It was going to be difficult, since he hadn’t returned your last text wishing him luck on the VMAs performance that had taken place two days ago, but he was hopeful.

He was ready to pick up the phone and dial your number but someone beat him to it.

it was an unknown number.

“Hello?” he answered.

“Is this Shawn Mendes?” the person asked and Shawn rolled his eyes, thinking it was a fan or a journalist who had managed to get his number.

“Yes, do I know you?”

“I’m afraid not, but my name is Kevin, I work for MCU and I was told to call you because (y/n) got in an accident while performing a scene.”

Shawn swore his heart stopped beating for a moment before he felt it on his throat.

“What?” Shawn asked in disbelief.

“She’s being transported to the nearest hospital right now. She lost consciousness for a moment, but now they’re assessing her injuries...” 

“I’m on my way, can you please text me the details?” Shawn asked frantically and Kevin agreed.

Shawn took a moment to collect his thoughts before calling Andrew, asking him to arrange him a flight to Atlanta as soon as possible (and it turned out Andrew was just as useful as Marvel and got him a private plane)

While on the flight, Shawn couldn’t stop thinking how injured you were, and even if the two of you were still a couple, after all, he had been kind of a bad boyfriend.

A car was waiting for him outside and while he was on the way to the hospital, he typed your name and noticed that news of the accident were already being spread, and his twitter timeline was filled with messages for you, which meant there were reporters outside the hospital as well as some fans.

He couldn’t stop biting his nails and when he realized, a small smile appear on his face as he pictured you telling him to stop ‘that horrible habit’

The driver did his best to drop him somewhere he wouldn’t be seen, but it was almost impossible. 

He kept his head low, didn’t open his mouth to say anything; he just hurried his way inside the hospital and asked for you. He was directed to the third floor, where he found some familiar faces and one that almost made him laugh, the one and only, Tom Holland.

He had never been jealous after seeing the Instagram story of you and him boxing, by the way.

Or at least that’s what Shawn told himself as he greeted the British actor who was wearing sweats over the Spider-Man costume and had a worried expression on his face.

“Do you know what happened?” Shawn asked Tom quietly.

“She jumped from a stair and was supposed to land in this net but something went wrong and she missed it. It looked pretty bad” Tom answered grimacing at the thought.

“Don’t you have stunt doubles to do that?” Shawn asked between gritted teeth, earning a chuckle from Tom.

“They’re for riskier scenes, and both me and her are one of the youngest on set so we like performing most of the action parts.”

“You people are crazy.” Shawn muttered.

After the small conversation, Tom was called by a man on a suit. They started talking and Shawn was by himself, with his emotions all over the place.

He was worried.

Worried because no one had said something about your condition, and worried because he didn’t know what your reaction would be after you saw him.

He knew your parents weren’t there and the only people surrounding him were people who worked with you, making him the closest person to you in the room, and maybe you didn’t even want him to be there.

Maybe this Kevin guy had called him because he knew Shawn was your boyfriend, not because you requested it or something.

So when a doctor came out and asked for your family, he didn’t even realize when he was standing, asking the professional how bad was the situation.

The doctor said it could’ve been worse, since your neck had suffered major injuries and there were a couple of bruised ribs, but nothing more than that.

You were actually wide awake and asking for whoever was there.

It was either him or Tom, but when your co-star patted him on the back, he knew it was him.

He followed the doctor as he tried to control his breathing; it was too much for just a week.

And all his emotions seemed to go even crazier when he saw the surprised look on your face.

“What are you doing here?” you asked him.

“I... I came to see you.” he scratched the back of his neck.

“I thought we were over.” you said a bit bitterly.

Shawn sighed and took a step closer to the bed,

“I never said that...”

“Well, I thought not answering my texts or calls was enough to let me know.”

“I was kind of a jerk, and I’m sorry...” he took a deep breath. “It was so fucking scary to receive that phone call telling me you were in an accident, I thought the worse and it made me realize how much you mean to me.” he confessed.

You rolled your eyes, “you have the worst way of realizing stuff.”

“Yeah, I'm sorry about that.”

“It’s fine.”

None of you spoke again, the only thing that was heard was the sound of the machines.

“How are you feeling?” Shawn asked feeling silly since he hadn’t even checked on how you were feeling before trying to fix things.

“I’ve been better,” you chuckled. “But it could’ve been worse, I guess?”

“It could’ve been way worse, you’re one lucky girl.” he said finally seating on the edge of the bed.

“I guess so,” you smiled at him. “Dude, you have to get closer or I won’t be able to kiss you.”

Shawn let out a heartily laugh before shaking his head and moving until he was face to face with you.

“Hi” he said with a smile.

“Hey, you’re ridiculously handsome.”

“So I've been told.”

and with that your lips finally collided together, making you fall for each other all over again. Every tear and bitter moment were erased as you enjoyed the feeling of each other’s lips.

“I made the worst first impression on your mom.” you whined on his lips.

“It’s okay, she actually liked you.” Shawn chuckled, pecking your lips once again.

“Did she really?” 

“Yeah, but she was confused, though.” 

“I guess I have some work to do, then.”

“You can always come to my place wearing this thing on your neck, there’s no way she’ll dislike you.” Shawn pointed at the neck brace.

“That’s mean.” you smiled.

“Don’t act like you aren’t considering it!” 

“I won’t admit it out loud.” you giggled before whining because of the bruised ribs.

“Then you’re just as mean as I am.”

Shawn spent the entire day with you, only leaving to change his clothes an take a shower. The doctor said they were keeping you for at least another day and Shawn was more than happy to bring his laptop so you could watch Netflix together.

“I think this pays off for the days we missed in Boston.” you said squeezing Shawn’s hand.

“Totally does,” he was going to continue talking but your phone interrupted him.

“Can you pass it to me, baby please.” you asked and Shawn nodded. 

He grabbed the phone and his eyes widened as he noticed who was calling you. Shawn called your name dragging the last letter and with a tone of disbelief.

“Robert Downey Jr. is calling you on FaceTime.”

“Oh my God, give it to me!” you told him, trying to fix your hair, but it was impossible.

“You are so taking me to the set one of these days.”

“Of course, now give me the damn phone!” you laughed.

“You are the best girlfriend ever.”

“I know.” 

Things were just fine.

[ohnohetaliasues]

Zila Umbra (Fairy Tail)

 (Kat)

I'm not sure if I've reviewed this before, but I don't think I have. Let's begin.

I was asked to delete the art by the artist, so I have. It was very well done, though.

i haven’t written her complete background yet but i have it written in my minD

This is off to a rocky start...

I’m curious about the issue with putting the ideas down on the profile, but I’m not here to nitpick.

Hello, yes, this is my blog, where I nitpick things. Enjoy your stay!

sOOSOoo her name is Zila Umbra and shes a lil bae and im still kinda n the process of designing her character so yee

Don't describe your OC as a 'bae' or I will kill you violently.

Also, 'bae' means 'poop' in Danish...

ok so when she was younger she found out that she could talk to the dead,

Okay, no. We haven't seen any ghosts in Fairy Tail other than Mavis, but she's only there because of her residual magic and the guild seal that acts as an extension. This is not Supernatural, contrary to the gif I just used.

and it completely paranoid her and her parents.

That's kind of mild....?

Just paranoid?

Her parents where completely religion based and basically thought she was the spawn of satan or something

The only church I can think of in Fairy Tail is the Church of Zentopia, and that was a filler arc. So please explain why her parents are Fairy Tail puritans.

and sent her off to a mental hospital that completely isolated her from others besides her ghosts

And they didn't just say 'Oh, that's your magic'? No, they just jumped to "SATAN!"

and thats really not something a little girl should have to deal with sOOOO she made friends with one specific ghost who actually turned out to be her mentor in magic.

That's... convenient.

She taught her that the reason she hears all the ghosts and voices is because of the eye she was born with is basically the sorce of most her magical energy so she started covering it up and her everlasting headache went away.

...No. Just no. That is not a thing. WHEN DID THE HEADACHE THING COME IN? Body parts are never magic in Fairy Tail, other than Erza's artificial eye. 

She was also taught that if she wore sage it would ward off bad spirits, so she put some sage in a small vile and put that on necklace and put the necklace around her neck and she wears it to this day uwu.

THIS IS NOT SUPERNATURAL.

she still could talk to ghosts and stuff though.

Oh yes, all benefits and no cons. She can still use her magic usually even though she covered up her eye?

Her mentor ( her name is darcy) taught her all the basics of magic and such as she lived in her little cell.

This is too dark for Fairy Tail.

Darcy though specialized in shadow magic, so she passed it on to zila (along with some knowlege on spells that let you use ghosts as your allies and stuff).

This is not okay. 

once zila had been taught all she could darcy taught her how escape and about a guild called fairy tail she could go to for help

Why wasn't she like 'Go to a soup kitchen' or a homeless shelter, but nooo, let's go to a MAGIC GUILD.

Also, Darcy is a ghost. Of course she's an expert at escaping. She can WALK THROUGH WALLS.

Zila made it out succsesfully after 3 years of being isolated ( and thus began her fear of being alone uwu)

i don't think she'd be able to function properly in society after being isolated for three freaking years.

once she made it to the guild she was let in and made friends quickly ( which really suprised her because she haddnt interacted with real people in like forever eheh)

Like I said, she wouldn't be able to function properly. She'd be quiet and reserved.

This is so improbable I CANNOT EVEN.

out of the children in the group

She is a CHILD WHO WAS IN ASYLUM FOR THREE YEARS WITH NOBODY BUT GHOSTS. ERZA WAS TRAUMATIZED WHEN SHE JOINED THE GUILD AFTER THE TOWER OF HEAVEN DEBACLE. SHE HAD TROUBLE MAKING FRIENDS. SHE TOOK A VERY LONG TIME TO ADJUST. THAT'S JUST BEING HUMAN. THIS GIRL IS DEFYING LOGIC. BEING ALONE FOR SO LONG WOULD HAVE A SUBSTANTIAL IMPACT ON HER PSYCHE. 

and was usually the peace maker between gray and natsu bUT ITS ONLY BECUASE SHE LOVES THem,

She literally just stole Erza's job.

once erza came she was always trying to talk to her and make sure she wasnt sad because she felt sorry for her and knew that if she was going to be alone that it would be sad

It feels like this OC is ripping of Erza's struggle. 

anddddddd yeAH THATS A WHOLE NOTHER STORY BUT THEYRE BASICALLY BEST BUDS KINDA ANd they go on jobs together a lot ( like i imagine her being with erza when they came into the story line )

If she's S Class, I will scream.

shes such a little sweatheart too.

I am suffering.

Vehemently. 

She hums when she fights easy battles 

That... makes her sound insane. Nobody does that in Fairy Tail.

and will only cry if someone tells her its okay  

That is not good for your mental health.

Personality wise shes veRY VERY VERY VERY LOYAL AND PROTECTIVE OF HER FRIENDS

Oh gee, I didn't see this cliché coming.

LIke if she let a friend get hurt when she couldve prevented it she would be so dispointed.

Of freaking course.

Like every OC ever.

She DOSENT like seeing a people she cares about in pain

Nobody does, sweetheart.

so she’ll do her best to prevent it like rub natsus back while they’re on a train or in a car or somethin u kno.

Not even Lucy does that. Nobody wants him to puke on them. 

Shes pretty caring and forgiving unless you break a promise or betray the guild or somethin, but shes not overly forgiving of people who used to be bad and are now good unless shes had time to understand them and stuff idk. ALSO PLS DONT TrY TO HURT JUST HER FRIENDS IN FRONT OF HER BECAUSE SHES GOING TO tRY AND KILL U NO MERCy.

Wow, I so haven't seen that before in my three years of reviewing OCs.

ALSO she’ll straight up be like “I love you” if she loves you bUT JUST AS A FRIEND OK if she loves u romantically shes gonna hide it a bunch or iF SHE FInds out that you like her shes gonna blush all the time around you

Please no.

You know, for someone who was stuck in an asylum, alone, for three years, she sure acts like a normal teenage girl.

and just omg i love her.

You don't put that on an OCs profile.

You just don't.

She’s also pretty comfortable around people she knows so like if she’s on a train or somethin she will use grays shoulder as a pillow because iTS COLD AND SHES TIRED AND NOBODY CARES BECause it’s her and it’s completely normal for her.

Juvia would mind. Juvia would mind a lot. And so would Gray, to be honest. 

OveRALL SHES NICE AND FRIENDly and shes a pretty strong fighter and stuff and shes calm and optimistic and encouraging even though when shes fighting shes scaRY

There are no flaws anywhere.

a babe ok shes just a babe 

The more you say that, the more I want to kill her.

negative characteristic wise shes really paranoid still due to all the ghosts and shit,

Wouldn't she be used to that? Also, can't she keep away the bad ghosts?

SHE HAS THAT BIG FEAR OF BEING ALONE LIke she will stay by whoever shes with and usually they make sure they stay by her too because they kNOW SHES SCARED AS FRICK OF BEING ALONe.

The creator is trying to make a flaw. But these will not effect the OC in critical moments. 

but if shes confined in a place and has no idea if people are near her or not shes rEALLY SCARED EVEN THOUGH SHES A TOUGH MOMMA SHES SCAREd.

You are running in circles here. What is her weakness? The situation you provided would scare anyone! 

shes forgetfull but wont ever forget things really important eheh,

Yay, another weakness that isn't a weakness. 

I do this all the time. Many people do. You aren't a special snowflake.

she can get really anxious and worried for others, and when you upset her in a fight she might get upset and start being reckless but yOU REALLY GOTTA TUG ON THOSE HEART STRINGS (unless ur like ’ ima kill ur bud’ then its really easy for her to go cray on you, but usually

Okay, no. That is literally Natsu. This person is ripping other characters off.

Also, that was a run on sentence. It stars at "She's forgetful" and ends at "when that happens uwu." USE PUNCTUATION.

if the person being threatened is with her they’ll calm her down and she’ll be able to fight in a less reckless way), but once you do she goes a little insane and is more powerfull but gets hurt eaiser and dosent even care just as long as she fucks the other person up aND SHELL TELL EM TOO idk shes really violent/crazy/scary/blood-thirsty when that happens uwu.

What happened to "She's such a lovable sweetheart?"

Shes super ’ no mercy’ in fights too, mainly because thats what darcy taught her,

Was Darcy evil? Because in Fairy Tail, mercy is a virtue. Lucy would hate her if she showed no mercy. Even Natsu shows mercy, though he goes kind of ballistic if someone threatens his friends (especially Lucy). How did she get in if she shows no mercy? How did she even make friends?

and because she has no trust in the enemy to not hurt her after shes won. 

That doesn't justify that.

She has a bad sense of humor too ok shes a cutie

OH YES, SHE'S STILL A CUTIE.

Zila also has a little ghost friend named Boo ( it’s cliche but idec) who wears a bow with a spell that let’s other people see her on it.

Is Boo more powerful than Mavis now? Because Mavis's residual energy let the members of the guild with a mark see her, but that was the only reason. Nobody else could. But apparently, Boo is so powerful everyone can see her. 

Boo would have to be god-like in terms of power.

I call nonsense on that.

Boo is only with Zila when theyre ina care-free environment but Boo can’t talk and can only use facial expressions. Boo is bae too

If you call something 'bae' one more time, I am going to lose it.

Also, what sense does that make?

None.

(also heres what her eyes look like without her eye patch uwu)

That is such a generic thing to do with an OC.

Literally, just no.

Overall, this OC was terrible. She had no flaws, no weaknesses, and her ghost friend had god-like powers. I cannot even. I'll see you guys later.

~Kat

[kristie-rp]

[2016] A Series of Coincidences is Called, “The Universe is Having You On”

Prompt: Found their phone number in a library book au

1.

“Todays’ the day,” Xavier declares to his breakfast – scrambled eggs and toast, because his dad takes being a chef very seriously don’t laugh, Xav – and then gives a determined nod. “I can absolutely do this.”

And maybe he could, but when he gets to school and hangs out all day, even having the stupid note – something he did purely because he overheard her complain that she’s sick of being the messenger for her more popular twins notes, I want some for me, damn it – all prepared and written out ahead of time, ready to slip into her locker or, if he’s feeling particularly brave, into her notebook. The one with the little sketches all over it.

It’s not until after school, when he’s waiting for Isaac’s chauffeur to give them a lift to karate, that he finds out what happened. “Didja hear?” Isaac asks, more attractive with his actually decent looking facial hair (especially for a 14 year old, which, what) and his flawless olive skin and expertly quaffed hair, as he flops down on the stairs where Xavier has sprawled out, face-down on the concrete. “The hot twins got expelled. You know – the one that thinks she’s a dude and the one you have a boner for.”

Xavier does know. He sits up just to tear the little note to shreds. So much for that, he thinks, and in a dramatic teenaged fit later that night, he gives up on the idea of Pandora Rodriquez, gorgeous artist extraordinaire, and then on romance altogether.

2.

It’s ridiculous but Isaac dares him to do it and the new guy encourages the whole thing, so Xavier writes his mobile number on a post it and sticks it in the book he was hoping had information for the stupid class project that he doesn’t want to do. This is what he gets for hoping art history is actually interesting, and as he packs up to leave he swears the terrifying librarian with her magenta hair and dark skin knows exactly what he just did (judging by the snickering from the shelves, the womans boyfriend definitely knows), because she just keeps staring at him. He smiles uneasily and gets the hell out of there, forgetting about it once Vincent and Isaac finish teasing his damn unfortunate self (“You actually did it? Dude, you could’ve just pretended.” “Shut up and do something about your gigantic bisexual boner for the new guy,” Xavier snaps and hits Isaac with a pillow, because he’s still paranoid the librarian will show up and scold him for abusing books despite the fact that he lives on the opposite side of town to the library).

It’s a week later when he gets a text from a number he doesn’t recognise.

(3:43PM) so does this thing help at all with th project on “obscure fuckin artists” or

(3:44 PM) ? what are you talking about

(3:44 PM) who is this by the way

(3:50 PM) hellloooo? 

(4:22 PM) soz not soz. ur number’s in this book. at the library. that was u, rght? 

(4:24 PM) oh. yeah. 

(4:27 PM) but that book was rubbish. i ended up just googling

(4:27 PM) asdhfkldsahfkdlfkjsa 

(4:28 PM) u srs? 

(4:32 PM) IM AT THS HOLE FOR NO REASON FML 

(4:34 PM) breathe, random angry text person

He doesn’t get another text back that day, but he and the unknown number are in contact for a long time yet.

3.

College is fantastic. And by that of course Xavier means he hates it. He tells his cereal as much one morning, never mind that he isn’t even a college student, waiting for Isaac to quit hogging the fucking breakfast. “I hate college.” Just for good measure, he texts the random angry text person (now called ‘poxy paint’ because why not) from sophomore year the same thing.

(7:43 AM) u wke me up for ths shit 

(7:45 AM) you want problems? my roommate sings in the shower

 He snorts, because he can hear Isaac singing fucking Keep Moving On in the next room, and it’s mornings like this that he regrets renting an open plan living space. There’s a bathroom and one closed off room, which sucks because Isaac, as the one who actually has the sex life, is the one who gets dibs. Xavier’s still pining after a crush he had in middle and high school (he regrets nothing, damn it, except for a stupid ripped up note that melted in the rain six years ago).

(7:50 AM) coffeeeeeee

(7:52 AM) nyway. u still wanna meet me? coz im free today

 (7:53 AM) i can come to that shop thing if u want? sis nd her friends want to do smth “cultural” or w/e

 He stares at his phone for a full two minutes before grinning at his cereal, dropping the spoon. “I could actually meet them? Do I want to? Will I ruin everything?

“Quit talking to your fucking food!” Isaac calls. Xavier calls back that he should fuck himself while he’s in there, then texts back.

(7:56 AM) sorry that took so long 

(7:57 AM) the show starts at 10 if your serious. convention center and all 

(8:03 AM) ill b th chick wiv the twin, a lost boi and a crown 

(8:05 AM) i’ll be waiting for you your highness

4.

Vince helps out with the stall, because Isaac has advanced quantum physics or whatever the fuck he’s studying now. Xavier doesn’t care enough to know for sure, and wouldn’t even have an idea it was physics if he hadn’t tripped over a book that morning (“Why is a physics textbook next to the shower?” “I need that for class!” “Noooo? And here I thought you had it for light reading.” “Alright, no need to be sarcastic.”), but it means that he and Vince are manning the stall. Well, Vince is manning the stall. Xavier is mostly just being anxious and doodling little animals running around in circles. When the guy his roommate still has a bisexual boner for (even after they actually did something about it that one Thanksgiving break) became the most responsible person in his life, he doesn’t know, but it’s nice listening to someone other than him argue that his art is worth the price he affixes with little removable tags.

“Vince?” a confused voice chimes. Xavier rolls his eyes – it isn’t the first time someone has recognised the guy who will always be “the new guy” in his social circle – and looks up to scan the room for the crown, the twin and the ‘lost boy’ once again. Seeing nothing, he sighs and looks back at his doodles. “You’re the awkward artist dude?”

Vince looks positively delighted, Xavier discovers when his hand cramps and he looks up yet again as he shakes it out. “Oh my god, you’re the mysterious textee? Seriously?” Maybe he wasn’t there for the event itself, but he knows the story about Xavier’s gigantic crush, courtesy of Isaac himself. He turns to Xavier, says unnecessarily loudly, “Hey Xavier, I didn’t realise it was my Pandora.”

The look Xavier shoots him could wither a sunflower, but Vince just jumps to his feet, gesturing for Pan to come around. “You know what, you two should absolutely take care of things here, I want a break anyway.” He grabs the other guy – who’s mostly just standing there looking bewildered – by the hand and drags him away, borderline skipping. The other girl raises an eyebrow at the one with the – with the crown?

“Is this the guy,” she asks, except it doesn’t quite sound like a question.

“Uh,” the girl says, eloquently, then turns to him. “Phone.”

Xavier points at the counter, baffled, and lets her go through the thing, unlocked to play music as he works. After a moment she emits a triumphant little noise and nods at the other girl – who shakes her head and leaves – and drops the phone on his page. “Hey, so, this is a little bit weird, but – I think I’m the person you’ve been texting for, like, six years or something.” She taps her head; a glance has Xavier realising he didn’t look close enough to spot the fucking crown. It’s paper and bright pink, covered in so much glitter and beads that he’s not sure it’s not just stuck to her hair with glue.

And, worse, he knows her. “Holy shit.” Because maybe Vince thinks this is his Pandora, but before she was his she was his, Xavier’s, in his dreams at least. “This is going to sound absolutely insane, but – you went to Saint Jude’s and got expelled, didn’t you? You’re, uh, you supposedly set something on fire?”

“It was for art,” she retorts, indignant, “why?”

“Because I was, uh,” and he mumbles the last part as quickly as he can, wanting it over with as his cheek turn bright fucking red, “planning on asking you out literally the day you got expelled.”

She starts laughing a minute later, and then, out of sheer desperation, so does he. At this points it’s that or cry.

[cosmicstarlets-blog]

anxiety & shyness

hold up guys. this is gonna be a really deep in sight into the deep and dark depths of my mind so, if you don’t want that click off the page now haha. i can’t explain to you why i feel the need to write this post. i guess i just want all of that absolute shit that has weighed down on me for quite a few years now out and in the open ya know? i guess in the hopes that someone out there finds solace in it and maybe just maybe they feel slightly less alone. so here we go.

I suppose i have always been a quiet person. when i was younger it always took me longer to come out of my shell than the average person did, it took an hour or so whilst spending time with someone i didn’t see on a regular basis for me to fully loosen up and be fully out there with them. primary school was for the majority of the time a pleasant experience though. I wasn’t particularly quiet during that period, in fact i was quite a bossy person (which i regret hugely), i always used to force people to play the games i wanted to play at playtime, that sort of thing. I don’t remember ever being paranoid about others views of me or being particularly socially conscious at all to be honest. In fact i used to think i was quite funny and had a good sense of humour. I did go through one bad experience in this period of primary school though, my first experience of rejection. It all sounds a bit lame but i suppose thats where the paranoia really began. My best friend at the time started rejecting and ditching me and i suppose her and this other girl started bullying me to an extent, i was only allowed a certain distance away from them and that sort of thing. I started walking around by myself at playtimes and started to dread school, i guess that’s when i first became so aware of others perceptions of me. Things did improve though and i left primary school feeling pretty good and with a solid group of friends.

Secondary school. That’s when i fully changed from a flourishing butterfly to a cocooned caterpillar. I faced alot of rejection there. I went there with a good friend but pretty soon she began to change towards me. I blame myself partly for this particular moment as I clung to her alot, my shyness held me back heavily from making new friends but then again she was meant to be my friend. I suppose i struggled with making friends back then because it was honestly so overwhelming coming from a tiny primary to school to a huge secondary school with a 1000+ people in it. So yeah, she changed towards me and gravitated towards your stereotypical popular people and basically told me to go away. Honest to god it did make me feel a bit like a fish out of water, i didn’t know what to do. I was alone. At this point everyone was solidly in friendship groups so it was a real panic. I started walking round by myself and became sort of reclusive, finding it hard to socialise with anyone. Those memories of being alone haunt me to this day even though it was 5 years ago. I remember wishing i was invisible, then no one could see me and i wouldn’t feel so embarrassed to be alone. It felt like everyone was staring at me and it felt they all thought i was a joke and don’t get me wrong i got the odd bit of teasing. That’s when the anxiety began. Just getting up for school felt like the worst thing in the world. I used to eat my lunch alone, with my head down, trying not to look at anyone. I also used to sit in the toilets for as long as seen fit in order to avoid looking and feeling so stupid as i did. I did try and get into other friendship groups but the same thing happened. Rejection and ditching. That’s when I started to develop a very negative thought process, i thought i was so annoying and idiotic no one wanted to be friends with me, i lost alot of self worth and just felt very alone and pathetic. I get those feelings still sometimes even though I’m in a different place. I still feel paranoid the people in my life now are gonna leave and think I’m annoying and secretly hate me. It’s not fun at all. I guess that’s why I clam up with all new people now, that fear of annoying them.

I’ve come on a lot since then but the older i get i do feel worse as i do wonder if i will ever manage to get close enough to someone to begin a romantic relationship. Sometimes now i will send out a text to anyone and if they don’t reply i begin to get anxious and think that they hate me or i’ve annoyed them. I am certainly not close to alot of people due to feeling so uncomfortable around new people but i suppose that’s okay as the only relationships i have with people are deep and meaningful and with them i never actually shut up which is quite odd to be honest but i roll with it. I do sometimes feel like my teenage years are wasting away due to my anxiety, i wish i could be social with people and go to parties and all that but i get that maybe thats just not me, i’m not there yet but maybe one day i will be. I do get very upset about this and wish i had more friends and stuff but this is my life and its unique to me. 

My friends now have doubted me sometimes and made me feel a little pathetic that i can’t socialise well and it does hurt my feelings but i believe one day i will get where i want to go. A couple of months ago i even had a job but it was a very hard experience as well ya know anyone with similar issues will know. You ever hear someone laugh and instantly think they’re laughing at you? Because i do all the bloody time. This obsession with people see me is like a curse and i understand appearing so very closed off comes across to some as arrogant but it is the opposite. 

I do have criticisms of who i am as a person due to all of what i have written about but i am beginning to challenge these destructive thoughts and i know one day i will find a way out.

THIS WAS SO HARD TO WRITE OUT BUT ITS OUT THERE NOW. thanks for reading xxx