#but I cancelled on them for the one-shot bc i am due the FUCK on like in the trenches with it

[hella1975]

‘im on my way do you want anything from greggs?’ kiss me with tongue

[bondsmagii]

Having an existential crisis right now and I shall come to your inbox like a sinner comes to a priest.

So I'm 25, college dropout, barely held a job (like did it for 2 months) and am completely supported by my parents. I'm in every aspect the definition of failure, right? Objectively. Some part was due to mental illness, but mostly me being a lazy and stupid asshole who didn't know what to do with their lives. And then I realized I wanted to be an artist, right? Like one does. And I'm pretty good at it also, think I might have a chance, had some interest in my little art. Very happy. But, but, sadly, to me and all the nation, my parents are rich white awful conservatives who have a very heavy foot on local politics. So, you know, giving the culture of accountability, which I do support, I would've been canceled if I ever attempted to be an artist, which is understandable. Like I've had enormous privileges that were born out of shitty shitty ways. And while I can justify it as a minor, I don't think that being like "well I was a little sad and a little lost and did bad choices" is an excuse when you're a grown ass adult. I directly benefited from money earned by bad ways and just being supported by hateful hateful harmful people. It's like they calling out Benedict cumbebatch for their family being slave owners, you know? You might not have directly done the harm but you did benefit from it. I did benefit from it - everything I ever had and eaten and done was paid for with my dad being an asshole politician. Anyway, I know I can't pursue art, you know? Like I know it. I understand it. I know it's my fault for not leaving early and not getting my shit together and if I ever had a fighting chance of not being an asshole and associated with my family of assholes that chance was turning 18 and leaving - which I didn't do. And it's not like I don't plan on leaving, I absolutely do. Want to get my shit together and cut this people off as soon as possible. But it makes me so sad that I cannot pursue art bc of this. I try to imagine my dream life, like everyone does, and even then when I dream of being an accomplished writer, i can only imagine me being canceled and publicly shamed for coming out of this shitty ass rich family and everything I ever did stained in an irreparable way. In my dreams I'm jk rowling and my past is like her tweeting. A whole life of work and creation destroyed and ruined. People feeling ashamed of even having liked your art to begin with. Like Man, i could even be acused of nepotism, although it truly never played any part on anything. My parents give two shots about art and have no contact with the art world whatsoever. But still, you know, son of a politician. Plus its not only bc of them but bc of my past actions, I am the stereotypical entitled asshole who doesn't work and dropped out of college and fucked up in general. I didn't mean to be one, it just happened I guess. It infuriates me, I wish I could go back to 18 year old me and drag my ass out of the bed and just like beat the shit out of me. Wish I could do it to last year me too, to be honest. Turning 25 really does change a men's perspective. Not that I didn't know I was a failure, but I was quite prone to outsourcing the guilt, you know.

Well, anyways, I know I don't deserve pity or anything like that I mean cmon, but by God did I manage to fuck myself over thoroughly by just doing nothing. Literally doing nothing. It's very frustrating, feeling your past eat your future alive. Undescriblale grief, truly. Anyway, probably gonna become a history teacher now. Go back to college.

But it feels like I will never be able to erase my parents fingerprints of my life tho and everything I ever do will be derivative of the privilege they gave me growing up, which wouldn't be a bad thing, if I didn't fucking hate them and they weren't awful ppl.

Inescapable hell, I tell you. Deserved, I know. It's like that tiktok song "I know I fucked up but jesus".

Yeah anyway

Thank you for hearing my confession bc like father have I sinned.

I say all of this in the absolute kindest way, anon, and with the disclaimer that I firmly believe that nobody is undeserving of redemption and everybody deserves the chance to be happy: this is absolutely delusional, and I'm sorry that you've come to think this way. I am so sorry that you feel you need to live a half-life you're completely lacking passion for, based on these ridiculous arbitrary ideas on who is "allowed" to produce art. I'm sorry that you've been led to believe that the mistakes and choices we make as young people define the rest of our lives and we're not allowed to move on from them. and I'm sorry that you've been made to feel like you will never escape the shadow of your parents. all of this is absolutely false, and I sincerely hope you rethink. I'm going to go through a few things that stood out to be here, because Christ, anon, this is not the way.

So, you know, giving the culture of accountability, which I do support, I would've been canceled if I ever attempted to be an artist, which is understandable.

no, it's not. the current culture of accountability, like many things, came from a place of genuine desire to hold the people doing society the most harm to account. it was designed to call out billionaires and millionaires, and corrupt police forces, and parasitic business practises, and organisations like Hollywood and colleges that covered up constant sexual assault and harrasment, and other things of a similarly insidious calibre. it was never designed for small fry like your parents, who, while perhaps terrible, have likely not done anywhere near this level of damage. even if they have, it was never designed for the children of these people. unless the child grows up, learns better, and still choses to be ignorant and go into the family business, the blame does not rest with them. this level of accountability -- that the child is accountable for the sins of the parent -- is more in line with Soviet Russia or North Korea. it is deranged.

you know better now. take steps to get away and become self-sufficient. you do not deserve to be "held accountable" for being a minor child, and then being a dumb idiot in your early 20s. you are 25 years old. that's an impressively young age to screw your head on right. I know people twice your age (literally!) who still can't admit they've been assholes in the past. you have the rest of your life to learn and do the right thing. denying yourself the life you want in order to beat yourself up over these made-up "crimes" is akin to white guilt in the way that it helps absolutely nobody and "makes up" for nothing. not to mention coming off as self-centred and conceited, putting yourself at the centre of something that harmed others, which is obviously not what you're going for. you do not need to do penance for the rest of your life because you were born to assholes.

And while I can justify it as a minor, I don't think that being like "well I was a little sad and a little lost and did bad choices" is an excuse when you're a grown ass adult.

you are only 25. this idea that all these young people on TikTok or Twitter or whatever have absolutely spotless political credentials is a lie. you made bad choices. you recognised they were bad. now you want to avoid repeating those choices. you have made a mistake and learned from it, and become a better person. that's how it's supposed to work. you don't fuck up and then have to retire from life forever. I will sooner trust somebody who openly admits to being privileged and ignorant in the past than someone who claims they never had a problem with it, and I do not subscribe to the idea that the more oppressed you are, the better you are morally. the best among us are those who fuck up and learn and admit and accept their capacity to cause harm. the worst among us are those who think they're immune to learning, always right, and incapable of doing wrong.

Anyway, I know I can't pursue art, you know? Like I know it.

you are wrong. all art is worth something. every human on the planet has the right to create art and be appreciated for it. it is not something you "earn" the right to do by being adequately oppressed. everyone has something worth saying, and the problem is with industries that amplify certain art over others, not the artists and their backgrounds. it is also fully possible to use your privilege and contacts to shine light on issues and artists that deserve more attention. the idea that if you're too privileged you're not "allowed" to make art, or you have nothing worth saying, is absolutely fucking insane and is not an attitude you come across among normal, intelligent people.

Like Man, i could even be acused of nepotism, although it truly never played any part on anything.

the wonderful thing about callout culture is that you could be accused of anything some random, bitter, uncharitable user decides. I have been accused of being a genocide supporter, a neo-Nazi, a transphobe, and a paedophile. you'll learn quickly as a writer that people who do this are stupid as shit and nobody with a braincell listens to them. I strongly recommend spending more time offline to recalibrate yourself to how normal people think.

Plus its not only bc of them but bc of my past actions, I am the stereotypical entitled asshole who doesn't work and dropped out of college and fucked up in general. I didn't mean to be one, it just happened I guess. It infuriates me, I wish I could go back to 18 year old me and drag my ass out of the bed and just like beat the shit out of me. Wish I could do it to last year me too, to be honest.

we all wish this. I was a cunt at 18. I was a cunt at 21. I was a cunt probably up until I was 26, so congrats, you're a year ahead of me. you know better now. you fully deserve to learn from your mistakes and be allowed the opportunity to be a better person. nobody on the planet is immune from being an asshole, especially at this age. you are right on track, at the age where most people mature and grow out of their assholishness. this is not some irredeemable flaw that you possess because of your parents' privilege. this is called growing up. it is good and it is normal.

Well, anyways, I know I don't deserve pity

I don't like to give out pity anway, as I find it condescending, but you do have my sympathy. you should feel guilt for any people you have actually hurt, yourself, through bad behaviour in the past. but you have my sympathy for the way that you've been made to believe that these mistakes, which you regret and wish to change and never repeat, should doom you to a life of misery, that you do not particularly want, and that apparently mean you're not "allowed" to follow your passions. that is desperately sad. I am sorry this has happened to you. you deserve a chance to prove yourself a better, wiser person, and you deserve the rewards that should come from changing. forgive yourself.

But it feels like I will never be able to erase my parents fingerprints of my life

not quite the same situation as you, but I once thought this exactly. my parents fucked me up big time, and I thought that I would never escape them. now nothing I have has anything to do with them. it's possible and you will get to this point too. think about the life that you want -- that is not theirs. but living miserably in penance for your parents' sins? that will ensure that you will never, ever escape them. the choice is yours.

Inescapable hell, I tell you. Deserved, I know.

never deserved. if you want to do better you deserve the chance. it is never too late to start doing better, it's never too late to change yourself, and if you're sincere and you succeed, you deserve to be happy.

finally, to reiterate something I said earlier: spend less time online. this kind of thought process is only found in people who spend excruciating amounts of time online. people do not think like this in the real world. grown adults with critical thinking skills and basic empathy do not think you should suffer forever because your parents were assholes and you made some stupid choices in your teens and early twenties. being exposed to the kinds of "politics" you get online -- which is less about politics and more about power and self-righteousness and putting others down in order to disguise one's own flaws -- is quite literally making you insane. sign off and work on yourself. the average human life span is around 80 years. don't live in misery because some people online think the first 25 of those years define you.

[tittyinfinity]

Update on my situation (help still needed) (a new donation post will be made, don't rb this version)

In my previous post, I mentioned a lot of what is going on in my life, but I'm gonna try to keep it as simple as possible (proceeds to elaborate anyway –)

I was originally trying to save up for a lawyer, but the post did not gain enough traction, and I'm now running into issues with legal aid. Because of this, I'm sadly going to have to cancel the restraining order on my abuser. I would prefer not to go into detail as it involves my child and situations that I don't want to speak about again. That's also why I will be making a different donation post, I don't really want the situation with my abuser to be shared anymore.

I raised $590, spent $200 on my laptop being fixed (now selling it though because 1. I need the money and 2. Different issues arose after it was fixed (very minor) and the place that fixed it is not returning my calls and with my car issues and the winter storm here it's too hard to go anywhere right now), around $150ish went to my car (which actually still needs work done because I could only afford to fix one of the minor issues), $100 went to utilities, and the rest went to necessities for the month, including gas. Thank you to everyone who donated💖

In all honesty, I need a new car bc it's costing me more than what the car is worth just to keep driving it, but that's not gonna happen when I have to keep spending any money I get and I'm not allowed to save up more than $1,999.99😬

Good news though:

- I got approved for utility assistance and now no longer have to pay for that

- my mom now says that she will pay my part of the phone bill every month (however, this is after I let her claim my son on her taxes and then she kept the child tax credit and stimulus checks to herself, so she kinda owes it to me)

- my car is DRIVABLE again, but I don't know for how long

Bad news:

- trying to find a new place to live so that my abuser doesn't know where I am but I'm having a hard time finding ones that suit me in my price range so I might have to stay here. I also am most likely not getting any of my deposit back due to damages done by my son and the cats.

- my 3 cats haven't had their shots yet, I have the money to get them fixed saved back from previous donation posts (only costs around $100 for all 3 of them at this one place in town) but I just haven't gotten around to it bc everything else. As far as full appointments to get their vaccines and microchips, it's gonna cost me a lot more.

- my car still needs at least $500 worth of work on it, including ANOTHER new tire, after popping one of the tires, another one ran over a nail, and the tire didn't deflate, but the nail is still stuck in there and I'm just driving on it like that lol

- I REALIZED HAVING A 2K GOAL WAS STUPID AF WHEN I CANT SAVE BACK 2K BECAUSE ID LOSE MY DISABILITY SO THEREFORE I HAVE TO SPEND THE MONEY BEFORE IT REACHES THAT POINT. AND I FEEL SO STUPID FOR NOT THINKING ABOUT THAT BEFORE. So yeah even though I need it NOPE lol

- bf lost his job a while back and fuck you to that one person who said he should be financially supporting me when he has 2 kids of his own

Anyway, thanks to everyone who has kept up with my situation.

Please don't reblog this, but if you do see this and still wanna help out:

P*ypal: yanidork

C*shapp: $yourdestinymae

V*nmo: nicework_bonedaddy

🚫DO NOT REBLOG🚫

[aragima]

hannibal questions! 🍖🔪

@nietzscheantrout @horrorlesbians and @hanniba1 wanted me to answer these hannibal questions and i wrote too much but oh well! thanks to all 3 of you ilu!!!

favorite episode and why: oh we’re just goin straight to the hard questions huh um OKAY so i think i can only do an ep a season - s1: SORBET SUPREMACY! you get to see the exact moment will looks at hannibal and thinks “.........shit. it’s him isn’t it. he’s The One. SHIT.” and that is so important to me - s2: this one is really hard maybe naka-choko? it’s so fucking gay and sexy. but tome-wan... but mizumono............ yeah idk - s3: torn between digestivo and the wrath of the lamb cuz they both hurt SOOO good much; i love will breaking up with hannibal and hannibal manipulating the situation so will can’t leave asldkjansk it’s so toxic we have to stan..... and for twotl i mean do i really have to give a reason every scene LIVES in my mind and it contains my favorite shot in the whole show:

that is LOVE baby! that is DESIRE! that is being ENTHRALLED!!!!

least favorite episode and why: i feel like they’re all so necessary that it’s kind of impossible to say but probably antipasto. i get sick of hannibal and bedelia’s shenanigans really quickly and as much as i hate to admit it... i miss will. i also think it was an extremely weak season opener and i blame it for getting the show canceled sjshshsgsg the resentment...

favorite side character: chiyoh or jimmy or actually wait— RANDALL TIER 🖤

if you could bring back one character who died, who would it be?: RANDALL FUCKING TIER. i want there to be a weird thing with him and hannibal and will going on. but also i love what his death did for will so idfk, other than him it’s gotta be beverly

dish prepared in the show that you would like to try eating/making: i was supposed to make hannibal’s osso bucco recipe like 3 weeks ago but it completely slipped my mind so i guess i’ll get on that my next grocery trip  

which side character would you kill off?: chilton just because for god’s sake just let the man DIE ALREADY poor guy <- i’m taking ava’s answer because YEAH

was there any scene that you didn’t like to look at?: nah. the skin ripping scenes at the beginning of either kaiseki or sakizuki (idk i don’t remember, i hardly watch s2a) are particularly brutal but i tough it out

biggest ship: i mean do i even have to say

why did you start watching hannibal?: my wife, who was my girlfriend at the time, and her dad were watching it as it was airing and i was like “oh cool hannibal lecter origin story” but due to inconsistent access to the episodes i would just watch it randomly and that is... not the way to watch hannibal. i gave up around the end of s2 but knew hannigram was It regardless. i decided to watch s3 for the first time earlier this year just to have finished it and was like HOLD UP and did an immediate rewatch that left me... well, how i am now

favorite hannibal fic if you’ve read any?:

oh boy. yall ready for this? all of these can be found on ao3 obviously (i’m so sorry this is so long but i guess i’ve been asked to put together a fic rec anyway)

as soft, as wide as air by blackknightsatellite, the ladders series by emungere, blackbird by emungere, consenting to dream series by emungere, taken for rubies by emungere, at first meeting by emungere, protect me from what i want by @alienfuckeronmain, god of the cold, cold wars by highermagic, the abyss smiled back by highermagic, pomegranate seeds by highermagic, absolute zero by highermagic, in the truly gruesome do we trust by sidnihoudini, TKO by sidnihoudini, oh dear by lunarwench, each according to its kind by chapparral_crown, a flood in our hearts by nanoochka, let me sinful be by darlingred, uncomplicated by stratumgermanitivum & youaremydesign, good bones by @damnslippyplanet​, like they do in babylon by @damnslippyplanet​, your obedient servant by kareliasweet, past our satellites by shotgunsinlace, only the tender meat by isagel, the shape of me will always be you by missdisoriental, a white-walled room by rodabonor, spleen et idéal by rodabonor, the paper doll series by rodabonor, a common point of interest by rodabonor [i do NOT like a/b/o stuff but if i did... it’s this fic], just thought you should know by earthsickwithoutyou, the sacrificial lamb by princesskay, transcendent suffering by itsbeautiful, not something polite by moistdrippings, leave your message after the tone by onewhositswithturtles, holes in the floor of the mind by feverdreamblood, crossing caina by feverdreamblood, the archipelago series by melusine10, but seas between us braid hae roar’d by kareliasweet

have you watched any of the hannibal films?: yeah all of them except manhunter! i grew up watching silence of the lambs because my mom loved it and i went thru a big edward norton phase as a teen so i’ve seen red dragon like 10 times

have you read the thomas harris books?: no and i’m not going to lmao #fakefan

favorite murder tableau: if we’re talking just hannibal’s- the judge. if we’re talking Murder Bad But Kinda Pretty like in general probably the mushroom people or the totem

favorite blood spill: will imagining hannibal while he beats randall to death or The Gutting of Will Graham

what’re some of your headcanons?: - will is good at shibari (backed up in canon: his fishing knots, the firefly man’s full body hishi karada harness) - hannibal rarely listens to modern, non-classical music but he’s a björk fan and he saw one of her chapel performances during the vespertine era and was Moved - will listens to classic rock (zeppelin, the doors, pink floyd) with some classic country (patsy, merle, johnny) and blues (billie, muddy, bessie) thrown in. he’s also a sucker for early/mid-90s college rock/alternative/grunge - will plays the piano (because of the piano in his living room) and the harmonica (because he’s country white trash); he’s kind of shit tho - hannibal fell for will somewhere between “my thoughts are often not tasty” and “you won’t like me when i’m psychoanalyzed” (love at first sight! at last sight! at ever and ever sight!!!) - will’s circumcised, hannibal isn’t 🤪 - hannibal’s a gemini!!!! adaptable, creative, intelligent, outgoing, impulsive, etc - will’s an aquarius!!!!! analytical, a loner, temperamental, unique, compassionate, etc - will’s mom was jewish go read my fic about it https://archiveofourown.org/works/26774326 - hannibal is an agender man (tbh i think of this as canon, it’s just unstated/undefined) - hannibal can speak russian, spanish, and a teensy bit of portuguese in addition to the other languages we know he speaks (lithuanian, english, french, italian, japanese) - will speaks limited amounts of french; he learned it as a kid in louisiana - ED TW will sometimes has a Difficult relationship with food due to food instability by the way of poverty as a kid and goes through periods where it’s hard to keep himself fed, but hannibal is so good for him in that way because he keeps him from going hungry 😓 (yes this is me projecting but also it makes SENSE) - hannibal typically bottoms but THEY DEFINITELY ARE BOTH VERS and will never stops being surprised by how much he loves catching a dick. every time is like religious experience. okay? okay - they’re also both very kinky and switches but tbh.... will was made to Dom hannibal like that’s the reason he exists he could drag that old bitch around by a leash and hannibal would be in heaven HANNIBAL WOULD CALL HIM SIR - the first time they have sex hannibal comes like immediately but he isn’t embarrassed because he’s hannibal fucking lecter and hannibal lecter doesn’t get embarrassed - i have a hc for their favorite sex positions but i’m not gonna put that here because i don’t want yall calling me crazy any more than you probably already do but if you wanna know just DM me all i do is think about them fucking it’s a curse - okay no more dirty stuff abigail called hannibal “dad” on more than one occasion and it was half-joking but it also felt comfortable to her; she never thought to call will “dad” because he’s a weirdo and never knew her as much as he knew his idea of her - hannibal taught her to play piano at the cliff house - beverly is pansexual!!! - brian and jimmy kissed one time when they were drunk and they NEVER talk about it EVER - chiyoh is straight probably. i know, i know, everyone says she’s a lesbian and if she���s a lesbian to you that’s awesome! she’s a lesbian! but idk i just think she’s SO fucking straight and tbh i mourn bc that’s my wife. she could MAYBE be bicurious... - chiyoh is non-monogamous and doesn’t do serious relationships, she doesn’t like the idea of being tied to one person ever since she left the lecter castle - she helped hannibal and will escape after The Fall; she told hannibal she would continue to watch over him and i think she did, she got them a boat and got them the fuck out of there - MOLLY IS DOING SO MUCH BETTER WITHOUT WILL. SHE’S SO GLAD SHE GOT OUT OF THAT WHEN SHE DID. she has a good, long talk with alana and finds out all the shit about him and hannibal that will never told her (and it was a lot), gets drunk and burns all his shit, and then washes her hands of the whole thing; moves to a different state, gets a girlfriend, and never thinks about will again

okay i’m capping it there or i’m never gonna stop!! i’m not tagging anyone cuz i think everyone has done this by now lmao but if you’re a mutual who hasn’t and you want to just do it and say i tagged you!! mwah!!!!

[tslasvegas]

Episode 12: “I’ve been awakened.” - Xavier

Well that vote went exactly how I had hoped it would... and then the super idol came out! I'm glad that it's out of the game now once and for all, but I guarantee that Liv is going to find something else along the way. It's so hard for me to summarize everything that I'm doing around here because I feel like I'm doing a lot. Maybe that's going to come bite me in the ass this coming vote but idk, I'm not mad about it. I definitely limited myself a lot by really not going for the money shot and convincing Jeff to use his vote steal on Joey to get Joey the hell out of here, but maybe in some weird way it works. Because now I have John's 8 chips and I'm going to need as many as I can get to somehow beat Livingston. I definitely think that snubbing this vote is going to be my biggest detriment only bc it provides the opportunity for Livingston to ascend higher as a threat, but also avoid getting voted out at our next convenience. I still really want Kailyn to go, but I think the goal for everyone else is to get rid of Livingston or myself (maybe Joey) at the next tribal council. Ugh. Heh... I never would've thought that I could pull off that kind of a move and have it not fully work out in my favor. It was a cool feeling regardless and I'm not crushed if it means I played myself out of the game. I give myself credit where it's due, I'm going to continue fighting as always and hopefully I come out on top :~)

Last Luxor standing 

Whelp, there goes the Super Idol. Jaiden is a snakey little snake snake. Pat and Jeff are naïve as all hell. I'm not 100% sure I believe Jaiden now, but apparently Joey's plan was to cut me at like final 6 or something. And people are so convinced that Livingston and I are a duo. I mean we are, but like maybe if anyone would ACTUALLY FUCKING TALK TO ME AND TRY TO WORK WITH ME, we wouldn't be??? Like don't whine and bitch that Livingston and I are a duo who are going to stick together and not turn against each other if you can't even be bothered to respond to a single fucking message of mine. I have no issues voting out whoever is necessary for me to get farther in the game. But when only a limited number of people express in interest in going farther with me? You better fucking bet I'm working with those people. Anyways, can't wait to vote out Jaiden, Kailyn and Xavier. xoxo Gossip Girl 

Waiting on Immunity Results, but whatever happens the 5 of us need to vote together, and be smart about it! We know that liv, Keegan and Joey will vote together. Probably for me next. So Jeff Pat need to stick with us. We need to split the votes 3-2, and use a vote steal, cancel or extra to get it to 3-3 just in case of idols. We need to be smart about this. Going all out and proposing this once results are in. I am going to the Jury next anyway, go out guns blazing.

...five seconds later

OMG I WON IMMUNITY! Finally something good! I figured most people gave their correct numbers, and if not, just chose a number close to theirs. OR they didn't coordinate so well, so some gave a higher number and others gave a lower one, so it cancelled out. Also helps that I knew Liv and Pat's numbers with the advantage. Pat gave mine accidentally so I knew his was in the 40s as well. Phew. Now to figure out whether to use the Steal a Vote now or not.

I came so close to winning immunity but it was rudely snatched away from me by Xavier. On the plus side, Livingston found the hidden immunity idol on the idol board! Heck yeah! As long as there isn’t a full blindside we should be good now! 

(originally written 11/23, night after super idol) Anyways what rly bugs me is that Jeff is actually mad at me now for the fact that he wasted his vote on Joey and I tried to get rid of Livingston instead... and I think I put myself into a spot where I need to apologize to him and make him feel good about me again. Tbh no I don’t. Jeff said to me that he’s got to play his own game first and mine second. So why am I playing some other people’s games first? Because it benefits me to play everyone’s hand for them, yes, but also I’ve been caught trying to run the entire table a little too early. So maybe now it’s time for me to do something a little different - play my game first. It’s now fully Jeff’s fault that Joey didn’t leave. I told Jeff precisely what he needed to do to ensure Joey went home. He needed to play the vote steal and send Joey on packing... and he didn’t. So now when Pat and I finally talk tomorrow and he tells me what’s up, I’m not gonna hold back. I’m going to throw Jeff under that bus so fucking hard his head will spin. Pat doesn’t know about the vote steal and I think I’ll hold that piece of information over Jeff’s head a little bit longer - I know something no one else knows about you, keep me safe or it’s coming out and everyone’s going to come after you. So tomorrow I will blame Jeff to Pat. Sure I was the person who made the move, but it’s my game and I’m playing it now. If Pat doesn’t like my apology, then kiss my ass and take eighth place. Bye!

...five seconds later

I'm pessimistic as FUCK so I'm fully expecting to go home tonight and I'm writing this confessional against better judgment because I need to rly focus on letting my mental state get back to normal rather than Survivor mode before I get voted out lmfao. Anyways, tonight is FINALLY the night where I'm making my last move against Joey, one way or another. This is the decision that will either determine oops sorry as I was writing that, I just realized something else... this is ME making yet another move that makes Jeff think I'm controlling the whole entire game I love that for me hehe. Should I convince the entire tribe to vote out Jeff instead??? Let's go fully with the chaos mode. DRAW ROCKS BITCHES!!!! Jk Jk Back to my original point - this is the vote that determines whether I was worth being brought back for this game or not. I'm not trying to be this like crazy strategist who has all these cracked plans to take out Joey but that's where we're at rn. One side of me like, trusts Jeff but the other side of me doesn't. So I told Jeff about Joey's legacy advantage and now it's like, getting Jeff to want to turn on Joey. Even though Joey told me he wanted to get rid of Jeff it seems like Jeff is not as stressed about it. I'm pretty sure Jeff turned votes against me instead, it is what it is. It's the game. However, Jeff would be really stupid to not vote out Joey now while he has the chance... it's probably going to come down to Jeff winning this whole entire thing if he makes the correct move tonight because I'm certainly not going to turn my back on him if he follows through. But, crazy things have happened tonight. And it's about to get a whole lot crazier. :) Although I'm like, CERTAIN I'm going home tonight or at least getting votes. OK IM TRYING SO HARD TO WRITE THIS CONFESSIONAL BUT SO MUCH IS HAPPENING AHHHH IM STRESSING OUT BUT I KNOW THERES A GOOD PLAN OUT THERE FOR ME TO MAKE AND HOPEFULLY IM NOT SCREWING MYSELF OVER 

...five seconds later

OKAY I think I'm gonna be ok but I'm taking a HUGE risk rn!!! Basically putting my vote onto Liv with Joey and hoping Joey 1) doesnt have an idol and 2) gets the rest of the votes. But my logic for voting Liv is simple. If Joey actually has an idol he's been hiding, he plays it and reveals I voted for him again if I don't do it. It also prevents me/Kailyn from going home 2-1-0 since Keegan and Liv seem to be locked in on one of us (likely me). If somehow Jeff/Pat are lying and are part of split, it'll go 2-2-2-2 which is not only insane but it also gives me a PERFECT platform to light people up, namely Jeff and his vote steal advantage. But we'll see! I'm predicting to go home tonight :) But at least I made a move when I could. Good luck to me <3

[ayeun]

i really fucking hate the way my friend responds to me crushing on guys

he always responds with the conclusion that i’m incapable of being loved and making me feel like i’m ugly or some shit-- as if it’s not possible for a guy to like someone like me. it’s always, “oh, maybe he likes your friend” rather than the possibility of them ever liking me. or, he says “he probably says that to every girl” or bases reactions on that ONE story i told him of a guy rejecting me bc i thought he liked me back. also, “he sounds like he’s just being very friendly/paternal figure to you” like.... lmao, thanks.

im already really anxious and have problems with socializing and integrating into groups (which i’m trying to be better at) due to my upbringing and trauma from past “friendships” and hearing that from someone i’ve known for over 10 years, who i’ve supported in his crushes and gave him actual advice and was rooting for him?? makes me feel like i’m not worth getting to know.

this past weekend i’ve learned quite a bit about myself and confirmed a few things: - i absolutely HATE being touched by/picked up on by any STRANGERS - i absolutely HATE white men  - i absolutely HATE being next to people who are sick - i absolutely HATE being accused of not having fun when i don’t talk much - i can’t drink past 2 cocktails and 4 shots without crying in the end for no reason - when i get drunk i’m still very conscious/aware of my surroundings, i just get splitting headaches, bad balance and my sense of sound heightens - i really enjoy physical comfort from friends (being rubbed on the back, laying my head on them) - i love me a good conversationalist. i like being asked questions about myself and i tend to do the same/like following up.  - calling me any endearing term melts my heart 

i’ve decided that 2020 i’m going to get into dating, but i don’t know if i’ll be ready for it, honestly. i always feel too picky, which i am already with my rl social circle. id rather have very few amazing friends than a bunch of okay ones, y’know? 

on the same subject, i feel like i don’t belong in any category of “sexy” or “smart”-- i feel like i’m neither, lmao. the only way i can “meet” someone now is just by.. random happenings when i’m out or dating apps, which i’ve already gotten tired of. the same guy that i asked for advice was telling me about how his friend on tinder kept getting matches from “fat girls” and “why them” and really just shaming them for not being “their type”. there’s also apps specifically for curvy women but i feel like the type of people on there would just be people with a fetish loool. 

eh. i’ll wait for them to come to me, i guess. sick and tired of being the one initiating anything to get the ball rolling.

on another note, i called and cancelled the debit card i found on the ground yesterday and was praised by the representative for not charging on their card. that felt nice to hear.

[tayegi]

Ahhhh I love how u ended chapter 11 of NR!!! I am SO here for OC calling jk out on his bullshit 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Anonymous said:Lu, I think this was my favourite chapter of new rules so far. This one really hit home for me – a similar thing happened to me before with a guy, said he liked me, but treated me like a walking vagina and then he turned round and got a girlfriend like I meant nothing. And this chapter really brought it back for me, you wrote it so well and the emotions feel very raw. I also love the friendship portrayal of Yerin and Mijoo, it's nice to see that chicks before dicks mentality in a fic for once :)

thotitup said:the new chapter of NR is amazing!!! I usually finish chapters needing a new one for closure/satisfaction but this one could be the ending and i would be just fine!! girl said what she had to say and went into the storm (metaphor for heartbreak and epiphany journey?) by herself like a BOSS ASS BITCH. Jk is cancelled until he grows up, nice work xxx

Anonymous said:Jeon jungkook really is a fucking coward. I was crying with oc the whole time. What I really respect about her though is her bravery to tackle on her problems headon. She's afraid but that didn't stop her from confessing her feelings and calling jungkook out, laying her feelings out there in a room full of frat boys. I would neverbe able to do that. She shows her strengths even in her weakest moments. She's definitely one of my fav oc in existence. Thank you for writing this!!

Anonymous said:being a lesbian really do be the best thing to ever happen to me bc men AINT IT ! love ur fic x amazing as always :)))uwu

Anonymous said:The OC spitting the truth in JK's face?? "You're not the relationship type ? "..." You love that shit." & the "It'd be easier to get over you"? I could've cried it was amazing I love her so much. And JK too but she is right. She doesn't have to endure all of his insecurities & unsolved issues. Sure he very probably have his reasons. But if he doesn't try to work on them with her, she doesn't have to suffer from it. She grew up a lot during the series. Thanks to him for a part. It's his turn now.

Anonymous said:A thing that I really wanted to tell you is how the O/C of New Rules pushed me to be more vocal and supportive to other women. I honestly think that she is a person to look up to. Although she has flaws (as other humans), I consider her a role model for what she does for other women. Thank you so much for this story. ⭐️

Anonymous said:BITCH IM SCREAMING U UPDATED NEW RULES !!!!! Ok I just finished reading and like..... damn..... ur mind.... the way you've fleshed out ur characters is so incredible you've spent so much time carving these characters like they're 3d yo also y/n is such a bad bitch !! She needs to listen to that vibe "I'm a bad bitch! U cant kill me!" This ask is all over the place but just know uh I love this story the characters the writing the dialogue & u obviously. Thank u for sharing ur talent w us kween 💖

Anonymous said:This chapter squeezed my heart so bad but I am SO happy that OC stood up for herself in the end I literally LOVED her speech especially about the toxic masculinity, im proud that she was able to speak out what she was feeling and hopefully it got through to jk who obviously has some emotional barrier or something, this whole chapter is so relevant to hookup culture and young relationships and ppl often don’t confront others with their feelings so this was rlly refreshing

Anonymous said:I LOVE NR!!! I just love the new chapter. Expecially the last part where the OC finally call jungkook out! You really are amazing Lu

Anonymous said:I love how multidimensional all of the characters in NR are holy shit. I could probably go in depth on a bunch of examples, but I think the OC stood out to me the most in this chapter. I've read fics about strong women before which is awesome but sometimes they're just like... unrealistically strong where they can immediately brush off their feelings. I'm SO HAPPY you write the OC where she's obviously affected by the rejection but realizes that she has to be there for Yerin and wow I love her

Anonymous said:when the oc barged into the frat house I was so proud of her like yes queen! tell them how disgusting toxic masculinity is! go go go ❤️ thank you so much for updating lu 💛

Anonymous said:i thought that the oc was brave because she confessed her feeling and we all know how much courage you have to muster to let yourself be so vulnerable BUT when she called out jungkook???? in front of those frat fuckbois????? that was so fucking bad ass, i really love her with all my heart because it doesn’t matter how much she’s hurting, she’s always showing a confident & strong facade

lovemusicn1d said:Luuuu, I love the fact that the main character is subjected to the idea of "grow up and get your shit together" for having what I personally think is a normal reaction to being treated the way she was by Jungkook, whereas at the end she grabs the situation at hand and flings it back into the depths of hell where it belongs because fuck the idea that emotions are weak and THANK YOU for having her confront that issue and making it so she doesn't let herself be shamed for what she feels altogether.

Anonymous said:hi! thank you for updating us with such an empowering & strong chapter of new rules!!! i immediately told all my friends that u updated and was always amazed by ur characterization of the oc!!! she is such a boss i love ur work it really inspired me a lot thank you

Anonymous said:thanks for ch 11!! short but intense! i thought this chapter would make me feel sad in a way due to jungkook's actions, but instead it ended with me feeling empowered lmfao!!! rooting for the oc and how she stuck up for herself! i loved the part about the discord between giving and receiving love and toxic masculinity. it's something society still struggles with today ugh.

Anonymous said:Chapter 11 is my favorite of the story so far!!! So many things happened in one chapter aaahhhh. Go OC! Hit him with the truth!!! As what Red Velvet says "Shot another bad boy down."

bangtan-sai said:OC from the new chapter of new rules is incredibly brave! She confessed and didn't try to backtrack. Even when Jungkook avoided her she continued to try to talk to him. She called him out in front of all those people. She may have found it difficult to do these things but she still found the courage to do them and I think that's amazing 💖

Anonymous said:Chap 11 made me feel things and i really do admire the oc a lot after this chapter. I love that she stood up for herself when jk was trying to make her feel like it was a one-sided r/s. The way he reacted to her confession was uncalled for, and it was very brave of the oc to call him out for being a coward and pushing her away. It certainly wasn't easy given how his friends were "mocking" her towards the end and the fact that she held her head high makes me want to root for her even more!!💖 💖

taetata95 said:I feel so like !!!! idk like I’ve been waiting for oc to kick jungkooks ass and THE WAY SHE STORMED IN THERE I LOVED IT I’ve been meaning to message you about new rules I love it it breaks my heart ngl the way she thinks about herself but I want to see oc kick some ass and IM BASICALLY READING IT FOR OC I LOV HER

Anonymous said:YES GO GIRL JUST GET OVER THAT LIL SHIT. YOU DESERVE BETTER. men and their toxic masculinity can fuck off srsly ugh

Anonymous said:I finally got to reading ch 12 of NR tonight and ended up in tears at the last scene when oc stands up to jungkook in front of all his other frat brothers. Telling them they’re a bunch of children that clings to their toxic masculinity, that was really cool of her and i wish i could be as courageous. i’ve always been proud of NR oc but i love her even more!

Anonymous said:“Because it’ll be so easy getting over you.” Yaaaaaasss girl throw it in his face. This line made me want to both cry from the angst and jump up and down cheering OC on for her confidence. I know people are sad about them ending, but I'm excited for the next part of this fic. Jungkook really has been an asshat so I'm happy OC finally realized his issues and confronted him.

LAKSDJFLSDFJ this makes me so happy!!! there is nothing i love more than girls supporting girls

and this esp makes me happy bc i have been planning this exact confrontation scene since like sept 2017 and was so nervous about it! in fact, the last line “it’ll be so easy getting over you” was prob the one thing that inspired me to write this entire, enormous, monstrous fic in the first place. so im so relieved that it’s out there and more importantly, that you guys have related to it so much klasdjf you guys are the best and i love you all

[yumenosakiacademy]

metr0con 2019 sunday diary

cosplayed: tsukasa, breakfast: ramen, snack: one (1) root beer lollipop

for future me only. also, disclaimer: im writing this at 5 am while extremely tired afte waking up from being asleep at my desk. i forgot a lot of specifics in all that time since i left the con n most of his is mediocre.

so i arrived at 10 am for the ha!kyuu panel only yo go to the panel room and see that it had been canceled (the panel name was crossed out n “cancelled” was written next to the panel name) so i had woken up early for Nothing bc i also had no panel at 11 so i had 2 free hrs to kill. i also checked the room where the UT panel was supposed to b happening in bc i like UT n had nothing to do, but there was no one in the room so.. unfortunately, my stomach started hurting rly bad, so a good chunk of that time was spent w me sat on the floor near a wall thingy or walking slowly. unfortunately the dealers room hadnt been opened yet so i just sat around then when the dealers room opened i started to wander a bit more. i didnt take a lot of photos bc my energy and socialness was kinda drained due to the stomachache pain so like. rip. 

then there was the dd-lc panel! in it, some guy in the audience offered natsuki snack bars (n she took one, as well as gave one to yuri) after calling her “the starving one”, and ome guy said “natsuki, your dad’s a dick. can i adopt you” n went up to the panel table n sifned a piece of paper monika wrote on that was ‘adoption papers’ and he gave natsuki a hug n called her his daughter for the rest of the panel. some guy dared natsuki to rip a page out of her manga (she had 2 books of manga on the table) n she actually DID rip out a page, and not a useless one like the “you’re reading the wrong way” page, either. the audience was like “why!!” n she n monika were like “i’m/impulsive!!”. natsuki was frequently referred to w “baby” (as im “she’s baby”) throughtout the panel. everyone thought yuri was the most fashionable when asked on a truth. sayori was asked how it was “hanging” and what her favorite brand of rope was.

after that, i Wanted to go to the she r-a princess alliance, but when i kept glancing out at the riverwalk, there was no one there?? so i just went to the bn-ha improv n it was!! actually funny. there was a skit where iida, denki, n kirishima were at a coffee shop n present m!c was the barista n iida ordered black coffee but said it wasnt right or smth or he never rly got his order, denki asked for a mocha with seventeen shots of expresso (he then drank it n did the “wey wey” friend brain thing later b4 the skit ended and was also vibrating after drinking it), and kirishima listed off a ton of things for his drink n kept going on and on. another one was bakugou being shown to be a “mommys boy” in front of uraraka and shinsou (i think) and there was a mitsuki in the audience so she went up (and actually brought snacks for the panelists! like a true mom) and during the skit she showed them his baby photos and pushed him down n at some point idk how she was sitting on his back n using him as a chair. there was also a skit w bakugou as the person at a coffee shop that had NO drinks whatsoever, only a bagel. n iida was like “what’s the flavor?” n bakugou just kept going “..bagel.” n “bagel flavor. i dunno.” n iida asked how much it was n bakugou went “$400″. then while present m!c was going on abt wanting a drink n getting angy, the iida went into the audience n started asking a few random ppl while they walked down the aisle “is this a dunkin donuts?”

after that i just walked around bc i had 2 more hrs w Nothing to do and stumbled upon a casual FP group in the dealers room but before i could get  picture one of them recognized the character on my sign or just the series or smth i think but onething led to another n i started talking with them and i sat down w them but they were like “can you like, introduce us to ens-tars we hear a lot abt it” so i went on the wiki n showed them the characters n the gentaro rly liked rabits (shino n nito in particular) n rei, dice liked yuzuru n shinobu, n ramuda liked tori n rei. i showed them reis cgs, specifically the one w kaoru and his crossroads cg n i was like “the cgs that signlehandedly made the whole fandom h*rny for like. a week.” n the gentaro was like “you mind if i [takes a drink] Thirst.” n the gentaro was also interested in koga n i was like “he’s an edgy wolfk!n who likes punk music” and i talked abt what wataru is like n fice was like “he seems like hifumi” n im like “he rly is!! he’s hifumikin.” n for shu, ramuda was like “apparently hes an asshole” n i was like “yea definitely.” n when they asked me to describe leo i was like “oh uh. he’s Fuck. i dunno how to describe him! i dont rly like him that much tbh. he’s ecentirc n one of the oddballs n he composes on walls and literally their drama cd back in the day is knights looking for him n like, finding him behid a bush composing going ‘i got inspiration!!’” n i referred to midori as the suicidal one n i was like “you tink im joking but anytime anything happens he always goes ‘i wanna die’” and when i talked abt souma ramuda was like “is he friends with shinobu?” since i’d already described shinobu n i was like “well they kno each ogher but theyre not rly friends iirc.. they had an event together tho”. at one point the ramuda paused the music they were playing in the bg n decided toplay ens-tars music n they chose undead n started blasting Death Game Holic n i was like “...oh. that’s not undead” n ramuda was like “it says undead..?” n i was like “its Deadmanz! a former unit w koga, keito, n rei” n i started jamming out n the gentaro slightly joined me for a sec. anyway uh. god these tidbits of convo r all out of order im sry but idk what caused this part of the convo but the ramuda said they were ramudakin n the gentaro said they were lowkey gentarokin n i think they mentioned these bc dice said they cosplayed dice yet arent dicekin?? i cant rly remember. oh also when i showed the gentaro rei they were like “oh i kin him now. im not saying in kinning, but im Kinning” or smth like that n im gjhnsmk at one point i mentioned my friend kuma’s dice rat art edit n the gentaro wanted 2 see it but i couldnt show em bc it was too far back in my tumblr dms. we started talking abt MTC and how ramuda wishes they got like, more hardcore rock stuff like Death Game Holic (which was still playing) bc they seemed “gangsta n hardcore” then immediately mellowed out in their songs after that n i said that yokohama walker still like, slaps tho n it kinda calms me down n ramuda said papillion calms them down. the ramuda was shocked at tori’s high voice bc they knew his va as worick from gangsta n didnt think toris voice would b That High n were surprised when they heard tori’s solo. 

after that, i had a hard time trying to decide between the LL dance panel or the hs panel n just decided on the LL panel n i hav the dances on video so yay (the final song got cut off 3/4 of the way thru n im so :(( but oh well...) n they played Telephone/Rumors and “Who’s Most Likely”. between this panel and the next one, i talked to a kaito who was the aki hana’s hanayo the previous day n we just talked abt some stuff n at one point they pulled out an izanagi plush n they asked if i was into pers0na n i was like “yea! i even was gonna cosplay adachi but my gun didnt come in n i dont think i coulda done his wig” n they apparently had abt 300 hrs on pers0na 3 FES n we talked abt how stat grinding is such a repetitive, boring thing in pers0na 3.

the bn-ha panel! i... dont remember a whole lot abt this panel im sorry. but like, halway thru, they started playing games w he audience after q n a n i got bored bc they did things like red light green light n simon says so i just took selfies while most of the audience played along. during the qna i remember someone asked shigaraki if their fog plushie could b a league of villains member tho n he said ys n held the push when it was handed to him. someone gave bakugou a giant human-sized fan n todoroki went up against bakugou w his rainbow fan. 

[survivor-hosts]

Ep. #7: “C’mon Rat, Follow the Cheese” - Jessy

The tribes merged and all of the pre-mergers were added to the merge tribe as the Karma Island twist was revealed.  The players started campaigning to get back in and Cat, Austin, and Drew chose to drop out and become voters.  After a whole day of scrambling and a messy voting situation, Connor was voted back into the game.  The tribe was given their first immunity challenge and Matt was able to solve it and win immunity quite quickly.  After no one talked the day before the vote, the players started scrambling last minute with one side trying to decide whether to vote off Sam or MJ while the opposing side was trying to decide between Allison or Connor.  In the end, MJ and Sam's alliance threw their votes on Andrew to thwart any posisble idol play.  Sam also used her vote negator to cancel Allison's vote for MJ.  Andrew was sent home in a 5-4 vote.

HAHAHAHAHA so it's 9:58 and I should go to tribal and I was on call with Connah and then Lydia and MJ called and added Connah and MJ told me I might be getting votes so I might be getting voted out idk adios fuck this shit!

Can't wait to be seventh boot

[12:51:33 PM] mj ultra . _/: bih wtf. [12:51:39 PM] connah. i guess.: I didn't do anything. [12:51:40 PM] mj ultra . _/: oh you really wanna fight me tonight huh yes bitch i do. yes we are in a partnership but i'm not your bitch. i'm not gonna sit here and do everything you want but it's fine because people will hopefully see you as a bigger threat so if they gonna try take one of us out... can't say i'm too sorry about it. his ass wants to sit here and vote lydia back when we literally just voted her out? i see where he's coming from because we might be able to use lydia tbh but he's literally shutting down any ideas i had so i'm kinda angry rn.

mj's gameplay has really rubbed off on me... my ass just blindsided lydia and now i'm really down for voting her back in? i had my fun pre-merge but now it's time to really get this shit going

http://prntscr.com/fn4qxy http://prntscr.com/fn4r1v At first I thought Connor would have the highest chance of returning but after hearing a few things I think REGAN has the best shot??? When and how did that happen?

Hmmmmm I'm feeling really weird in this tribe. It's as if I don't belong.....That's the vibe I'm getting. Whatever. I'm sticking to my strategy of not talking to people. Hey it worked TWICE and got me to the end twice. It works. People come to me with information at once. I hope I can pull it off again.

so like I mighta just made a chat with myself Scott jessy Allison josh and Connor to save Connor bc David was a bust. Highkey still don't trust Scott and sam Matt mj and connah are trying for Lydia and I'm like no fuck off? When the phone battery goes down my chaotic gameplay goes up. Like idc whomstve is gonna be pissed i am GETTING Connor in this game. Drew and cat should have sacrificed themselves for him too so here's to fucking hoping. If Lydia comes in I'm dead straight up gay up!

push me to the edge i wish i was dead why is scott a snake scott u little snake push me to the edge i wish i was dead lydia im the wrong connor please stop making my life harder push me to the edge mask off, task off back off, mask off i dont really care that im crying but i really care that youre lying edge dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun mask off, task off

i have lost all my motivation. i am a shell of a man i used to be

i am fucked. if i somehow get out of this mess i got myself into it would be a miracle.

Okay it's time for my second confessional because it's getting really hard dealing with these people and I need to vent. Like I really cannot.

After the Lydia vote off succeeded I tried to do major damage control with Matt and Scott. They both seemed to understand but I know they don't trust me anymore. Iit's not like they even realistically did. Maybe Matt did, but his reaction really shows his game. Scott seems to think he can snake his way around the two alliances but I'll bring up that later in this confessional. Anyways, it's announced that Karma Island is in play and immediately I'm worried. I fell into a position where I had to lead on Connor, David and Regan all at once because I legitimately had no idea who I wanted to return. I received information from Scott that MJ was on call with Sam and Lydia. They were

[4:26:26 AM] Jessy: i have some tea ladies! [4:27:05 AM] Jessy: So Scott is playing both sides. [4:27:09 AM] Jessy: and MJ/Connah/Josh are too. [4:27:21 AM] Jessy: MJ wants me to stay so he can use me for next tribal to get Sam out.. [4:27:26 AM] Jessy: But sis he has another thing coming. [4:29:43 AM] Jessy: sam acts like a 4 year old [4:29:47 AM] Jessy: "jessy probs just wants all of us on jury bc we're the ppl who knew her pregame so we'd give her our jury votes" [4:29:52 AM] Jessy: she said this [4:29:57 AM] Jessy: like no i want u on prejury [4:29:58 AM] Jessy: zzksjksksks [4:42:41 AM] Jessy: mj and connah rlly think they're so smart huh [4:42:42 AM] Jessy: like ur not. [4:42:42 AM] Jessy: BKLMASDFMKLDSMKLA [4:42:46 AM] Jessy: i literally know what ur doing [4:43:03 AM] Jessy: this is ur mo mj... [4:43:05 AM] Jessy: ur forcing myself into a situation where i have to go w/ him b/c my numbers are cut. [4:44:25 AM] Jessy: Like I know he's pitting me against Samatthew by telling me this information [4:44:29 AM] Jessy: But like.. [4:44:37 AM] Jessy: Damn they're literally Spencer and Tasha [4:52:02 AM] Jessy: I'm reading their games to filth. [8:18:39 AM] Jessy: me again [8:21:05 AM] Jessy: God why'd i tell connor i heard his name [8:21:06 AM] Jessy: LSJLSSKKSKS [9:52:09 AM] Jessy: SCOTT IS SUCH A FUCKING LIAR [9:59:32 AM] Jessy: time to get reads [9:59:35 AM] Jessy: and intel! [9:59:41 AM] Jessy: im legit gonna interrogate him idc [10:01:03 AM] Jessy: Nancy Drew who???? [10:01:16 AM] Jessy: im GETTING the dirt. [10:01:24 AM] Jessy: spill the beans! [10:01:50 AM] Jessy: seeing Scott is typing... answering my questions is so funny [10:01:57 AM] Jessy: Like ur nervous huh sis [10:03:32 AM] Jessy: does scott really think ill eat the bullshit hes putting out for me on a platter rn? [10:03:37 AM] Jessy: Like bitch what the fuck LAKSKSKKSKS [10:08:25 AM] Jessy: OK SCOTT IS LYING OUT OF HIS ASS [10:08:29 AM] Jessy: IM SICK OF IT [10:08:35 AM] Jessy: HOW DOES MJ KNOW U WERE HIGH THEN [10:08:44 AM] Jessy: LIKE UGH !!! [10:09:53 AM] Jessy: ok sam could've told mj! [10:09:57 AM] Jessy: interesting! [10:14:37 AM] Jessy: mj and scott together ? conspiracy theory ? [10:18:18 AM] Jessy: Oh yeah, I also found out last night that josh did vote for Lydia, but Connah switched his vote from Lydia to Connor and Trevor wouldn't allow him to change it back [10:18:26 AM] Jessy: i thought sam was being distant huh scott [10:20:12 AM] Jessy: There's holes in this scheme. [10:22:32 AM] Jessy: "Same" [10:22:34 AM] Jessy: keh [10:22:51 AM] Jessy: guess i'm done here. [10:23:51 AM] Trevor [Host of Hosts]: I'm samatthew [10:24:27 AM] Jessy: theyre literally spencer and tasha [10:24:32 AM] Jessy: mj is a cheap version of jeremy [10:26:00 AM] Trevor [Host of Hosts]: Who are you [10:26:45 AM] Jessy: i wanna say kelley but i don't wanna be cocky like matt

This is a recap on what happened before the Karma Vote. One reason is so that I can look back on it and the other is for Connor to read in the future. This is 100% what happened. Lydia made her pitch to me around noon yesterday and she had made valid points and I wouldn't mind her being back but my vote is locked to Connor at that point though I was still willing to listen to her so I can get info out of her. I messaged Connah a little later and he said he was going to vote Lydia back in so I had an inkling that something's up but shrugged it off because there's no way Lydia's coming back it's just not in the numbers. I went to bed and woke up at 6am with a bunch of messages and one of them was Lydia asking to call. I told her I only woke up randomly and was planning on sleeping a little bit more. I didn't know the vote was due at 8 and I woke up 30 minutes before the deadline. Jessy messaged me asking if MJ had come up to me and asked if Lydia's being voted back in and I said no because MJ and I haven't talked yet. A little while, Andrew messaged me asking who to vote and I said Connor and then I got added to the Saving Connor chat with Scott, Jessy, Allison and Connor. What surprised me the most is why Scott is there. I didn't understand. Next, MJ messaged me asking for my vote so that we can tie between Lydia and Connor. Now the thing is, I told them I would vote whatever they want to but my vote is locked to Connor unless they absolutely needed it because they're the two people I trusted the most in this game. And they really did need it. I went on call with Connor and told him that everyone's pulling my leg getting me to vote with them and then got on call with Connah making his case to me with Lydia and Lydia's on my pms making her case again and Scott and I were trying to figure out how we're going to go and mind you this is literally 5 minutes before the deadline and at that point everyone thought we could change votes. I was freaking out everyone was talking to me at the same time I felt very pressured that I just asked Scott to make a decision for me and he won't decide for me and Connah just started to tell me VOTE LYDIA VOTE LYDIA and without hesitation I changed. Now obviously that didn't fall through because Connor came back and he found out I changed my vote. Now he doesn't want to speak to me and probably burned my bridge with him and idk about the status of our friendship right now. I spilled so much critical information on Connor and if we went our separate ways and uses those against me then I'm fucked. I mentioned to Connor how I wanted to target Jessy because of how good she is and if that gets back to her than she's going to turn on me. My hope is that MJ, Sam, Scott, Connah and Matt form a 6 person alliance to get past this round. This game is taking a toll on me emotionally and I've been struggling to play since the first few days. I wasn't like this before. It isn't worth it. It's not worth it to lose a friendship over this. It's easy to say that you need to cut ties and turn the heart off but doing it for real is different. Connor, my explanation is probably something you did not want to hear and it's probably going to re-open wounds once this game is over because looking back on it now, the decision was stupid. It didn't have to be that way but I gave in because of pressure.

Honestly.... I just feel so defeated. I don't see myself really doing as great as I would have wanted to in this game, which is such a pessimistic way to think but its true. Like if I were to be going home tomorrow I wouldn't even care that I didn't make the jury. A lot just went down these past few days that made me realize why I retired in the first place. So to really go back, Lydia was blindsided. Not surprised that it happened cause I knew something fishy was going on, but surprised that out of everyone I was the most left out of the loop. Like no one bothered to tell me that the vote was getting split between Allison and Andrew. Like when Lydia left Jessy and Andrew had me on call and explained everything to me and why they did what they did. And like I'm really not mad at them for doing so. I think it was amazing on their part that they pulled it off. They told me how MJ and Connah were really wanting to get Lydia out, which caught me by surprise cause I thought they were really close. Afterwards, Sam gets me on call and is worried about what could happen in the future and who we have with us. And to my surprise, Matt Summers actually talked strategy with me for the first time. The story I got from them was that Jessy approached them and got them involved with voting Lydia. To make matters worse, we have to vote someone back into this game thanks to Karma Island. And I feel like this is gonna make things so much worse cause I'm starting to realize I only have myself in this game. Idk like in Maluku flipping was easy cause I had Maria and Mattica who I trusted more than anyone. I don't really trust anyone in this game, so it makes everything 10x worse. Connor talked to me and told me he doesn't hold that against me, and idk part of me really thinks if he IS going to come back, I need to vote him so I can prove to him that I can be someone he can actually work with later on. Especially with MJ/Connah/Sam/Matt being a sinking ship, I just feel like I need to find other resources when I need to. Plus the only person I trust in that group is Sam, and after hearing that MJ has wanted me out of this game for awhile now I don't see why I need to stick my neck out for them. That whole voting process was such a mess because I really didn't know what to do with all of that. Like I voted for Connor cause I was sure he was getting in, then Josh comes to me and says he didn't know what to do. Which like RIP cause I thought he already voted, and to make matter worse he told lydia and lydia went off on me in the pms. And like, the fact that this all went down when I was out with friends just made me realize that I'm too invested in this game and that I left for a reason. Idk the only reason why Connor is back is because Connah changed his vote and wasnt allowed to switch back. I'm just annoyed cause I'm really fucked in this game to the point of no return. And like Sam and them are trying to make sure I'm gonna vote with them but with Lydia out and the only person on that side i actually consider an ally being Sam, it just makes sense for me to go through with what I've been wanting to do for awhile and flip with Jessy and Andrew.

"fifth vote... lydia"

what the fuck is going on why is no one talking to me. fucking hell man, and then im gonna wake up again and have a shit ton of messages waiting for me when i check my phone. everything's happening at the very last minute in this game omg.

YALL TRIBAL IS  11 HOURS AWAY I DONT KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO AND IM GONNA BE ASLEEP IN 9 OF THOSE HOURS. FUCK IT.

you know how it'd be fun if i just go ghost the whole morning tomorrow lkfjskjdfhskjfs *deletes Skype*

OKA Y BUT S ERIOUSLY im sick and tired of waking up in the morning where a plan has already been made and i have no say in it. fuck it a guy needs his sleep its yalls fault for not making a plan during our off day ! btw if i get voted out tomorrow im gonna be salty af trevor why did you have to have the first merge boot not a jury member i dont want to miss out on JURY! !!!!!

everyone is getting on my god damn nerves TODAY !

On 25/06/2017, at 8:30 PM, connor wrote: > hi background music plays: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpLU8BI02wQ

Okay so I just laid out all the info I got today. I talked to Scott this morning I said does he know for sure Sam has a vote negator or is it a hunch? He said it was a hunch and he doesn't really know, so I got sus. He was high last night so maybe he let it slip MJ told me that Scott was high last night so I wanted to find a way to vertify what he said about Scott/Sam/Matt/MJ/Connah being all on a group call [6/24/2017 10:09:30 AM] Jessy: did you tell anyone you were high LMAOOOOO i'd be so non functional if i was high and game talking [6/24/2017 10:09:40 AM] Scott: I mean I told sam It's possible that Scott is either lying about him telling Sam specifically, or Sam just told MJ that Scott was high and he happened to tell me this He said this when I asked him about the Sam call: [6/24/2017 9:51:38 AM] Jessy: did anything important come out of the sam call [6/24/2017 9:51:58 AM] Scott: Honestly it just made me realize that she doesn't trust me [6/24/2017 9:52:17 AM] Jessy: fuck! [6/24/2017 9:52:25 AM] Scott: She asked me what my relationship was with you [6/24/2017 9:53:05 AM] Scott: And if I actually trusted you cause you're known to be deceiving for "organizing the whole Lydia vote and misting MJ/Connah" [6/24/2017 9:53:48 AM] Jessy: :$ would be me if i actually did! [6/24/2017 9:54:07 AM] Jessy: r they voting me [6/24/2017 9:54:25 AM] Scott: I mean we never got around to actually talking about it [6/24/2017 9:54:32 AM] Jessy: oh okay [6/24/2017 9:54:39 AM] Jessy: who do you think she would go for [6/24/2017 9:55:32 AM] Scott: But I wouldn't be surprised if that's what they were wanting to do cause sam really just kept mentioning how I felt about you [6/24/2017 9:57:03 AM] Jessy: that's offputtig [6/24/2017 9:57:08 AM] Jessy: *offputting [6/24/2017 9:58:02 AM] Scott: Yeah, but it's just really clear that damage was done last night so I'm not even sure what's gonna be happening from here on out It made me think that I'm unsure if Scott is just lying about the call or if MJ is just trying to come up with a scenario for me to think is happening so I won't pull any moves. Then, I talked to MJ about the vote and he said that he was going to be on a road trip today so he's probably asleep by now. I talked to Connah about the game while MJ was online and while we were talking about the whole thing of us being on different sides, MJ pmed me. He said he pmed me because Connah sent him a funny quote about a joke I made. Then, I asked him if Connah sent him any game logs. The game logs were about us being on different sides in the Lydia/Connor returnee vote and then he kept on acting like he didn't know who was going to go because no one was talking to him. I asked him if Sam would be a vote he would want, and he said it depends if we have the numbers. He said I have to convince Allison+Andrew+Connor myself because he doesn't want to get himself involved in something controversial this tribal council after last round. I asked MJ about this, and he said Connah specifically said: "idk if I wanna stick with jessy or go with sam" "like I'm just confused" This made me paranoid, because I didn't know if Connah meant "stick with jessy" as a vote or "go with sam" as a vote. It's possible that MJ made it look like he meant regarding alliances and not a vote off, but it still made me paranoid. MJ then told me Connah went on call with Sam. MJ said he asked Connah what was going on and they were just talking about who they wanted to go. MJ said they both leaned towards Connor leaving. MJ then said Connah thought he should go with Sam (as in alliances). MJ said he would try to convince him to "string me along" next round and use me to vote Sam off. MJ then said if Sam convinced Connah to vote for me, he would try to convince him to go after Sam this round. MJ said he would prefer Connor to go now and Sam next round, but he's willing to consider it by starting it off with a conversation with Connah tomorrow. Our conversation ended, and I thought that I should try to message Sam in some way and let her know that I'm "flexible". I then said that people probably think we aren't together in the game and we could play that to our advantage. She said she was down if I was, but proceeding this she kept on saying she didn't know what she wanted to do and that "she has no power to throw out a name." This really annoyed me so I asked her who does and she said she doesn't know. Our conversation ended, but during it Connah messaged me asking me if I'm talking to anyone because it's really quiet. I was feeling a vibe that Sam told Connah she was talking to me, so I told him I was trying to resolve my issues with Sam. It got awkward so our conversation kinda died off. During all this, Andrew, Allison and Connor didn't have a lot to say about anything. Connor said he was at work all day and came back at 10 PM EDT and said sorry he was at work. I said it was okay then asked him if he talked to Josh recently. He never replied and then I asked him again an hour later and still received no reply. Now, Scott says he's back and is messaging my alliance chat with himself and Andrew. I haven't talked to Matt at all this vote. I said hey to Allison in pms but she never replied because I'm pretty sure she's been offline. I haven't talked to Josh either, but I have an opportunity to tonight because it's 2 PM for him in Phillippines.

Decisions, decisions.... I hate my position in this game as the "middle man" Anyways, Jessy/Andrew I think are expecting me to flip and vote Sam with them this round, but tbh I don't think I can flip on Sam and vote her out. Like if she goes, I don't want to be apart of that just because she trusts me a lot with her game. However, if they can manage to get her out this round I'm all theirs. Sam/MJ and co. said they want to do Allison, and because I don't trust Allison i think it might be safest for me to just vote her out and only flip if they're wanting to vote out Jessy/Andrew. Also spoke on call with Connor and hes trying to convince me to flip. The only way I see myself voting with them is if they vote MJ. But I just don't think that is realistic since Jessy is set on voting Sam. Which I personally cannot do since she is the only one I trust on that other side. Idk its all very up in the air, hopefully it isnt me that goes

9wegwpirangwfj tribals in an hour and a half and I really don't know what I'm gonna do. Apparently Josh would be okay with voting out MJ but I'm not sure if he really would. Part of me is thinking I should just vote Allison and if it ties, then I flip cause I don't wanna be rocked out pre-jury, especially since the only person I trust on Sam and Co side is Sam. I just know this is gonna be one huge clusterfuck

So.... much.... stress.... Josh and I agreed on just voting with the separate blocks, but I forgot that Sam has a vote negator so now I have to decide if I'm actually gonna go through with that plan or just flip and vote MJ. hregehgoihiqrehie I HATE THIS GAME

This game? Is crazy. I want to die. Somehow, through almost FIVE HOURS of acumalitive calls, I have managed to flip Josh and Scott so that we have majority. MJ SHOULD be going home. I literally did that. Like, i LITERALLY did THAT. Good god. Fingers crossed. It just makes sense? With MJ being a winner already and very good at flipping votes and winning challenges, we have the time to take him out so lets do it. Sam would be easier to vote out and I know Jessy wanted to, but with Matt having another idol and being immune, the two of them are too close for comfort. Actually, this entire game is too close for comfort. end my life.

why am i in the middle. i mean i guess i should count my blessings because i'm not getting voted out but this is such a hard position to be in