#but I can actually breath just fine if not better than usual rn wow

[arolesbianism]

I hand you a doodle and then go back to dying of the plague

[iwadori]

Haikyu boys when they take a joke/prank too far (Iwaizumi,Daichi)

Word count: 1.9K

Genre:angst,fluff

AN: In the spirit of April Fools I tried to make my first work based on that I hope you enjoy!! (LOL I can’t actually believe this was the first thing I’ve ever written)

Iwaizumi:

“Okay so it’s April Fools Day who are we going to prank?” asked Makki “One of the first years?”

“Do we have to prank someone this year..” replied Iwaizumi “so childish”

“Iwa-Chan!” Oikawa said “Don’t be such a spoil sport.”

“Anyways, it can’t be a first year they’re boring to prank a first year coach will be mad at us, we need someone else.”

Just then, you enter the gym, catching their eye as you approach the group sitting on Iwaizumi’s lap “Hey babe, I can still come over to yours to study right?” you ask.

“Yeah of course, practice finishes early so I'll be there before you.” He said

“Alright, see you then bye babe, bye guys” you said, giving Iwaizumi a kiss on the cheek sauntering off and waving at Makki, Mattsun and Oikawa.

“bye Y/N!” They teasingly responded in unison making you laugh.

As they watched you leave, it seemed as if a lightbulb pinged off in all of their heads (besides Iwaizumi) realizing who would be a great person to prank.  

After a lot of convincing, they finally got Iwaizumi in on the ‘harmless’ plan, all they needed to do now is wait on your arrival.

You’re finally done with school after a long and tiring day of exams upon exams and wanting nothing more than to cuddle with your boyfriend (after he teaches you Pythagoras theorem of course.) You did think he was acting weird when you met him this morning in the gym and throughout break and lunch but you just concluded that it was because he was having an ‘off’ day.

You reached his house and used a copy of his key that he gave you to enter we just enter houses up in this bitch  calling out his name “Zumi-babe, I'm here...”  

“Lets get this shit over with” you said tiredly

Upon entering, you notice none of the lights being on or curtains drawn ‘odd’ you think. You go upstairs going straight to his room hopefully to find your boyfriend in his bed or on his Xbox or something. To your surprise his bedroom door was somehow locked shut (even though not having a lock on his door anyways.) Suddenly, you hear creaks slowly trailing up the stairs and an eerie feeling surrounds you... now you start to feel pretty panicked jiggling the door handle to Iwaizumi’s door as it’s practically the only place you can go.

AN: I hate what I’m writing rn but onwards we right

The footsteps on the stairs start to quicken, and you almost certain that you felt something brush pass your shoulder only adding onto the panic and anxiety that you already feel. Ok, the footsteps on the stairs are basically right near you, so doing the only logical thing you can do you body slam the ‘person’ on the stairs as you motherfuckin should  as tears fill your eyes and you pick up bag bolting through the front door, slamming it shut now in full tears and shakingly scared.

You look behind you and see Iwaizumi’s front door re-open and out comes the ‘iNFaMouS sEiJOh fOuR’ in tears... of laughter. It seems that the boys were in laughing fits that their prank ‘payed off’ getting a reaction out of you. You couldn’t see Iwaizumi’s reaction, but you didn’t care you were hurt, annoyed and wanting to get into your bed.

Once you get home, you decide to block your so called ‘friends’ who decided to make you scared shitless and ignored Iwaizumi’s messages asking “where were you today”.... the AUDACITY.  

The next day, the boy’s seemed to realize the consequences of their actions after spending the whole day trying to get your attention only to be straight up ignored. Iwaizumi is immensely regretful after all his efforts to try talking to you were denied, he decided after his practice he was going to get you to talk to him or at least get you to listen to his apologies on what happened yesterday evening.

You left your clubroom and made your way to the school gate to go home.

“Y/N!” shouted Iwaizumi touching your shoulder making you flinch ‘wow did we really scare her that bad?”  

“What do you want iwa?” You asked very agitated

“Y/N I just want to apologize for yesterday, since it was April fools day and all the boys really wanted to prank someone and I-it just happened to be-”

“It just happened to be me. Right?” you interrupted “Gosh Iwaizumi, I was really scared.. I already had a tiring day and all I wanted was my boyfriend to teach me the stupid Pythagoras Theorem and cuddle me afterwards, but no you and your friends just had to be dicks for a day” you turn around planning to walk away before he grabs you again  

“Wait! Just wait y/n, im sorry and I wont ever prank you like that again” he pleaded

“.. and i’ll help you study?” he added pulling the sweetest face of all time to try and convince you  

“ugh, fine stop pulling that face... and you better teach me Pythagoras Theorem” you said rolling your eyes

“yeah yeah whatever you say y/n” he said pulling you under his arm and walking in the direction of his house.

A/N: WOW I DID NOT like the way this turned out but its my first official thing that I wrote hopefully HOPEFULLY MY WORK IMPROVES (I THINK IT WILL) SO please join me on this ‘ride’ in improving my work  

Daichi:

You decided this morning that you were NOT going to participate in your annual April Day Fool’s prank with Tanaka and Noya... only because of your not-so new boyfriend Daichi saying he didn’t need his teammates corrupting you any longer so you decided to not get involved. With that being said you wouldn’t even think of your boyfriend pulling a prank on you so you didn’t think you’re getting pranked today.

In the gym, the boys were doing the usual: Hinata and Kageyama running after eachother, Tanaka and Noya oogling Kiyoko, Tsukishima listening to music, Yama and Yachi going over club schedules whilst Daichi sat with Sugawara and Asahi.

“So are you pranking anyone today?” sugawara asked

“Pranking someone, isn’t that a bit too juvenile suga?” Asahi replied

“Not you silly, Daichi” said sugawara “With Y/N on his arm they always have to stay on eachothers toes right..she’s a ‘jokester’ right?”

“...right?” Daichi hadn’t thought of it that way, he did know of all your joking escapades before you even got together and how you still liked to joke around now as you date.. He didn’t want you to think that you thought he was too boring for you ?

“Ok. What type of prank should I pull on her..”

Daichi, Sugawara and Asahi (who didn’t really contribute to Suga’s scheming) made a plan for you to meet him at the gym locker with the claims that he had a ‘surprise’ for you .. oh how he was wrong.

Daichi: meet me at the gym locker I have something to show you  

Y/N: Ok!! I’ll be there in 5 minutes

Daichi was nervous, and that was an understatement he didn’t want things to go left and have you thinking he couldn’t even do a simple prank. Once you got there, he saw heard you talking to Sugawara and Asahi outside the door about him wondering where he was in which Suga told you inside the locker room.

“Hey babe” you greeted “what's the occasion in why we’re in here?”

“I...uh..um I need to get something one second” Daichi spoke quickly and rushed out the room closing the door leaving you confused. Minutes passed, and you were now impatient and kinda scared since the room was dusty, dark and cold definitely not your place to be in. You tried texting Daichi but just your luck you have no service ://  

As time went on you tried opening the door but it was jammed shut no hope opening at all you forgot you left your bag outside which of course had your inhaler which did not help the sudden shortness of breath you started to get because of your asthma and claustrophobia. All you wanted was to get out of this room and talk to … Daichi.

Daichi. How convenient that he manage to slip away before the door got closed hmm but he wouldn’t intentionally prank you after ALL the lectures he gave you about not doing pranks this year right?

You didn’t notice how you started to cry and whimper wanting to leave.

On the outside, Daichi heard your cries and ordered Sugawara and Asahi to find the key to immediately get you out which it seems to take a while because Daichi has now stopped hearing your tears making him gulp in fear thinking something bad has happened to you in there.

Sugawara comes to you handing Daichi the keys, his handing shaking as he tries to unlock the door when he eventually does he finds you passed out on the ground of the dusty storage room. Very cliché I know ://

You wake up in the Nurses Office a bit confused on how you got there until your eyes land upon Daichi, remembering how you locked you in the Storage room where you had an asthma attack and passed out. You turned your body away from Daichi not wanting to talk to him right now after the hypocrisy he did.

“Y/N.. Are you alright?” He asked

“Do I look alright?” You responded in a bored tone

“I am really sorry Y/N... I know what I said to you about not doing pranks this year but Sugawara roped me into this and I didn’t want you to think I was too boring for you so I thought doing this prank would make you see me in a different light” he said

“yeah i saw you in a different light alright” you sassed, you then realised what he said ‘too boring’ kind of feeling less mad and more sad that he feels this way “Dai, you’d never be to boring for me … you’re one of the most funness is that a word? guys I've ever met.”

“really?” he asked  

“Of course! I’m kind of still mad at you for letting this happen but I do sort of understand why” you said giving him a hug.

You were eventually cleared to go home and as you left the clinic you saw Asahi and Sugawara standing at the door.  

“Y/N WE’RE SORRY” they bowed to you waiting on your responses

You chuckled slightly at their cuteness and ruffled both of their hair “all is forgiven, just make sure there’s ‘pranks’ this year “

Which they agreed upon.  

A/N: WOW I DID NOT like the way these turned out but its my first official thing that I wrote hopefully HOPEFULLY MY WORK IMPROVES (I THINK IT WILL) SO please join me on this ‘ride’ in improving my work. Feedback is VERY MUCH APPRECIATED and request too since I will literally write whatever...

I may do a part 2 … any particular characters people want?

[heauxplesslydevoted]

Silent Treatment (Ethan x MC)

Summary: Naomi decides that if Ethan isn’t going to treat her like a valued member of the team, she’ll teach him a little lesson.

Based on chapter 1, some spoilers for chapter 2, and my own speculation, so read at your own risk.

I highkey hate this but I’m posting it anyway

~v~

Naomi is quiet. No, she is unusually quiet. Ethan has seen her get silent when it’s time to buckle down and focus on a task, or if something is weighing heavily on her, but at this point he knows her well enough to know it’s neither of those. She’s withdrawn, and he doesn’t understand why.

Her presence is hard to miss, the young resident has enough charm and charisma in her pinky finger to dazzle an entire room. And she’s never this quiet. Naomi demands to be heard at all times. With unapologetic vivacity. With her hands. Eyes sparkling when she gets an idea, or fiery when she needs to dig her toes into something and fight. Nothing about Naomi Valentine is ever subdued, so why the hell is she so silent?

She didn’t speak much during the last few team meetings. He and Harper have led all of the conversations, bouncing ideas back and forth, building off of each other’s ideas. Occasionally, Naomi would offer input, merely to agree or disagree with a theory, before going back into her shell.

It’s even bleeding into their personal life. For the better part of the past 3 months, she’s stayed with him, the two of them holed up in his apartment in the Back Bay, but now she’s opting to stay at her own place. It’s been going on a few days now, this random despondence, and Ethan isn’t a fan of it. He’d take it a step further and say it's driving him crazy. This isn’t the woman he’s known for the past two years, even at her lowest was she never this reclusive.

As he walks down the halls of Edenbrook, he spots Naomi, her personality back to what it once was. She’s with Ines at a vending machine, and Naomi wastes no time animatedly talking to the now attending about a fun date she went on with her girlfriend.

Heart hammering wildly in his chest, Ethan swallows thickly as he listens to her talk. He’s missed the sound of her voice, the affectionate way her strong accent curls around her ‘r’s’ and dramatically elongates her ‘o’s’. It becomes clear that she’s willing to talk, just not to him. Ethan doesn’t like that idea at all, but it’s the only one that makes sense. And if that’s the case, he needs to get to the bottom of things and remedy the situation.

“Naomi, can we talk please?” He asks once Ines is no longer in their presence.

He doesn’t miss the way she bristles upon hearing his voice. But Naomi nods anyway. “Sure, what’s wrong?”

“Can we talk in the office?”

The walk back to the seventh floor is marked with awkward silence as Naomi refuses to initiate conversation with him. The more time ticks on, the more anxiety settles in Ethan’s chest. What’s going on with her that she refuses to divulge?

The office is unoccupied when they arrive, as Harper has already gone home for the evening. Naomi stands by the door, opting not to settle into a seat or even move further into the room. Everything about her body language reads that she’s poised and ready to strike at any given moment. He frowns. She’s never been this defensive against him, at least when they’re not in the middle of an argument. “What’s going on?”

“Are you okay?”

The question catches Naomi off guard. She blinks slowly before shrugging in nonchalance. “I’m fine, Ethan.”

“You’re fine? Really?”

“Is there a reason why I shouldn’t be fine?”

“Not really, but you haven’t been acting like yourself recently.”

Because you’ve been quieter than a church mouse for the past few days. You don’t talk during meetings, you’re silent when we interact with the patients, it’s like you’ve completely tuned out.”

With the way he’s been acting, Naomi is almost shocked that he even realized what she’s been doing. Wow, so maybe the great Ethan Ramsey hasn’t lost his attention to detail.

“Oh, so you’ve actually noticed?”

“I’m a diagnostician, I notice everything,” Ethan deadpans. He can feel the sarcasm wafting off of her. “What, was this an intentional act for my attention?”

“Intentional, yes. But for your attention? Not necessarily,” Naomi answers.

His eyes narrow at her, his gaze near piercing. She’s playing some sort of childish game with him, first with not speaking and now with the vague half answers. “Okay, so walk me through your thought process. Why has the cat stolen your tongue?”

“I decided that if my input wasn’t going to be valued during team discussions, I might as well not speak at all.”

Ethan gapes at her, confused. Where did that come from? “Naomi, what on earth are you talking about? When have I ever not valued your input?”

“I’m talking about the fact that for the past two cases, I’ve stood on the sidelines while you’ve either cut me off mid-sentence to talk over me, or ignore my presence altogether. I might as well blend into the wall.”

“That’s not–”

Naomi doesn’t give him the chance to refute.  “Please spare me the attempt at arguing. Last week, Harper’s first day on the team, you literally had to circle back to me because you cut me off while I was speaking. And now, we’re working on a case, and you and Harper aren’t even taking this patient seriously! I’ve had to redirect the conversation and tell you guys to focus, because you two were too busy acting like bosom buddies, sharing anecdotes about hangovers, and stupid flamenco lessons, and dates you went on in the past, which is not only inappropriate and disrespectful to the patient’s time, it’s disrespectful to me.”

“So either you are completely oblivious, which I find hard to believe for someone as astute as you are, or you have no respect for me, not just as your colleague, but as the woman you claim to be in a relationship with,” Naomi continues. The floodgates have been opened and now that she’s started, she can’t stop herself. “And maybe it’s the latter, because I set that standard. I’ve let you go days, weeks, months without speaking to me with zero consequence, I’ve let you shut me out and slam doors in my face, make snide comments last year when we were treating Leland, I’ve let you have carte blanche over the pace of this relationship. I’ve always just been here and allowed your shitty social graces and piss poor communication skills to rule, and time and time again, you’ve gone unscathed, but now I’m just really tired of it.”

For the first time in a long, Ethan doesn’t have a clue what to say, and as always, Naomi is the woman who puts him in this position.

“Naomi, you can’t possibly think that I think so little of you.”

He can tell by the way her eyes darken that he put his entire foot in his mouth just now. The warning bells go off in his brain, and he scrambles to think of how he can correct this latest blunder.

Naomi bites down on her lip, and she’s actually shocked her mouth isn’t instantly flooded with the metallic taste of blood. She’s getting Punk’d obviously. The office is bugged, and Ashton Kutcher is going to jump out and announce his presence soon. That has to be it. Ethan has to be pranking her, because there’s no way a 38 year old man could ever be so dense, right? Surely his response to her grievances isn’t to dismiss her claims.

“You know what? You’re being obtuse, and we clearly aren’t getting anywhere, so I’m going to cut this conversation off now.”

She refuses to look like the psycho in this scenario and breathe any more life into this argument, and she’s not about to plead her case any further like she’s the one in the wrong.

Ethan’s eyes soften, and he takes a step forward, arms outstretched to touch, soothe whatever hurts he’s heaped upon her, but Naomi sidesteps, moving out of his reach.

If he wasn’t nervous at the start of this conversation, he is now. If the physical act of Naomi blatantly refusing to touch him wasn’t clear enough, the metaphorical chasm between the two of the just widened by a few yards as well. A chill races up and down the length of his spine.

“Naomi, I’m sorry,” Ethan says gently. “I…” His words taper off and he pauses, struggling for what he wants to say next. This has never been his strong point, being vulnerable.

And Naomi doesn’t offer him a lifeline. She’s not going to give him an out or assuage him of anything he’s currently feeling like she usually does. She’s laid out all of her cards, and things are in Ethan’s court at this point. Like always. 

“I’m going home,” she announces. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

~v~

The sun is barely out when Naomi shows up for work in the morning. Most of the hospital is still, the last of the night shift heading out as she’s on her way in. She heads towards the residents’ lounge, wanting to put her things away before checking in on her patients and having a team meeting.

As soon as she opens her locker, she spots a gorgeous bouquet of red roses wrapped in newspaper invading the space. There’s no note attached to the bouquet, and she spared a quick glance around the room to see if anyone else is there. The lounge is empty, save for another resident in the corner, sleeping.

Naomi takes the bouquet out of her locker, careful not to smash the petals and holds it up to her nose, inhaling deeply. 

Deciding to not put more thought into where they came from, Naomi simply cradles the bouquet in the crook of one of her arms, stuffs her bag into her locker, and continues on with her morning routine.

She’s passing by the nurses’ station on the 7th floor when someone catches her attention. “Oh Dr. Valentine! You have a special delivery.”

Her steps slow down as she approaches the front desk where Sarah, one of her favorite RNs is stationed. Sarah steps aside, revealing an even larger bouquet of roses, these ones white.

“Where did these come from?” Naomi asks.

“They were delivered about half an hour ago,” Sarah replies with a wink. “No note, though. I won’t let Dr. Ramsey know that you have a secret admirer.”

And that’s when it clicks into place. Memories of her fight with Ethan come flooding back, and it becomes clear that he’s the one gifting her these flowers. Before she even realizes she’s doing it, her eyes roll. If he thinks a couple of bouquets of roses are a good enough apology, he can think again.

Naomi plucks a white rose right from the center of the bouquet and hands it to Sarah. “For you.”

“Really? Are you sure?”

“I insist,” Naomi says. “Happy Friday, Sarah.”

“Thank you, Dr. Valentine!”

Seeing the smile on the senior nurse’s face is almost enough to cleanse Naomi of the annoyance she feels towards Ethan in this moment. After exchanging a few more pleasantries, Naomi manages to scoop up this new batch of flowers – they’re in a vase, to which she adds her red ones – and finishes her trek to the office.

She isn’t expecting it to be covered in bunches of bright yellow sunflowers.

Their communal desk is covered in them, along with Ethan’s personal desk and the couch. “What on earth was he thinking?”

“I was thinking that sunflowers are your favorite flower,” Ethan answers, and Naomi jumps, startled at his voice. She whips around and sees him standing in the doorway. “And so I got up well before the sun was shining, went to the Boston Flower Exchange and bought every single one I could get my hands on.”

“And the roses?”

“White is supposed to be symbolic of new beginnings and forgiveness,” Ethan explains. “And you simply can’t go wrong with red.”

“If you think buying me flowers is going to cut it, you must not know me well,” Naomi says. Him buying her things doesn’t impress her, no matter how much she jokes about his money.

“No, but I figured it couldn’t hurt.” Ethan takes a cautious step into the room, shutting the door behind him. A sleepless night without her beside him forced Ethan to do a lot of thinking about how he wanted this conversation to go. A peace offering is always a good start. “And it got you to talk to me.”

Naomi scoffs and sets her flowers down. “Barely.”

“I’m sorry,” Ethan says. “I’m an idiot, and an asshole.”

“It’s good that we can agree on something.”

Okay, it’s clear that she is not going to give him any leeway. “You were absolutely right to call me out on my behavior towards you.”

“Why did you do it?” Naomi asks.

“I wasn’t thinking,” Ethan says simply. “I got so caught up in having Harper on the team, and it’s easy to slip back into old habits without even realizing.”

“It wasn’t a simple one time thing. It was more than once that you and Harper completely forgot I was even there. And I like Harper, I don’t think I could respect her more than I already do, and I have a very healthy sense of self esteem, but even the toughest person on earth wouldn’t like being in my shoes, on the outside looking in while you and your ex reminisce on old dates and inside stories. Ethan, you couldn’t handle a modicum of the shit I have willingly put up with in order to be with you.”

His stomach knots up at the thought of an ex-boyfriend of Naomi’s coming into his personal space, sharing personal jokes with her, ignoring him, and monopolizing her time. If the thought of it had him this twisted, he can’t believe he’s been putting her through that reality.

“You were right to call me out on my bad communication skills. I am terrible at relationships. I’m not using it as an excuse, it’s just the truth. But I’ve gotten complacent, which is unacceptable.” Ethan takes another step towards Naomi, and when she doesn’t instantly recoil, he takes it as a sign to get even closer. “The last thing I ever want to do is stifle your voice, or make you feel invisible. Naomi, you are...invaluable. To this hospital, to this team, to me, and I am so sorry that there was ever a time where I made you feel like you weren’t. You are the most important person in my life, and what we have is something I’ve never had with anyone else.”

“Okay, so start acting like it,” Naomi challenges. “I’m your equal and I demand every bit of respect you have to offer. Anything less than that cannot be tolerated anymore, personally or professionally.”

Ethan nods emphatically at her words. “Of course.”

“I mean it.”

“You have my word, Naomi. I’ll never let it happen again.” He closes the gap between them and cups her face in his hand. “Just please...never give me the silent treatment again. Yell from the rooftops, argue with me, I don’t care, but I can’t take not hearing your voice.”

“You needed to be taught a lesson,” Naomi says simply.

“I learned my lesson, and I hated it,” Ethan confesses, his lips dangerously close to hers. Naomi doesn’t budge, not even an inch. She’s terribly stubborn, even at the end of a fight. “It was torture.”

“Good.” Deciding to put him out of his misery, Naomi tilts her head up and captures Ethan in a kiss. He doesn’t waste a single second returning it. His free hand wraps around the small of her back, pulling her in closer. How did he go this long without touching her?

He doesn’t know how long they’ve been kissing, but he finally breaks apart from her long enough to bury his face in her neck, allowing her scent and soft skin to soothe any of his fraught nerves. She smells like home.

“Does this mean I’m forgiven?” Ethan asks.

“The jury is still out on that one.”

“You’re going to make me work for this, aren’t you?”

“Are you up for the challenge?”

Ethan untangles himself from their embrace and takes a step back, so he’s able to look Naomi in the eyes. He takes her hand and presses a soft kiss into her palm. “For you? I’ll do just about anything.”

~v~

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[wonderlustlucas]

jack pot ; part 3 - hwang hyunjin

⇢ prompt You know it’s bad when you’re high as a kite and he’s still on your mind. ⇢ pairing hwang hyunjin x female reader ⇢ word count 6.4k ⇢ genre fluff & angst (not heavy, just in a slow burn kind of way) ⇢ warnings (18+) drug use, a suggestive make out & the mention of a boner twice maybe ⇢ summary College is a matter of working hard and playing hard. It’s an opportunity to start fresh, to grow as an individual and to blossom with those you befriend. People come and people go, leaving their mark on your life and showing you all the parts of becoming an adult. Some, however, do more than leave their mark. Some take just as much as they give. Things become complicated once they take the entirety of your love because you outright offered it to them.—college!au ; stoner!au ; friends to lovers!au ⇢ a/n AAAAAAAA omg im so excited to post this, this by far is my fav part of jack pot & i cant wait to hear what u all think!!! sorry its a bit shorter than the other parts, & technically this is the *last* part, but there will be an epilogue where you will see how everything comes to be!!!! have fun reading!!! <3

⇠ part 2

five.

“Oh, fuck, he’s good,” Yeji gasps, shoving her phone into Maddie’s hands before faceplanting into the table.

“Are you H-T-T-P because I’m colon-slash-slash without you,” Maddie reads with a chuckle, thumbs hesitating over the keyboard. “Quick, YN, look up some pick-up lines.”

Closing the tab on the article you should be reading but has been long forgotten, you promptly do as you are told and open the first link from your search, Minho and Jisung leaning in to help. “There,” Jisung stops you, pointing to one, “’Are you a parking ticket? Because you have fine written all over you.’”

The table can’t help but burst into laughter at such a sentence. It’s stupid, but ever since Yeji and Kim Sunwoo began texting, their conversations have been full of tacky puns and emoji-filled compliments.

“Damn,” Maddie whistles, setting the phone back into Yeji’s limp hand, “he’s already typing back.”

“Gross,” Ryujin teases, busy typing away on her laptop. How she manages to multitask so well is a skill you certainly lack. “Why don’t you just like, I don’t know, ask him out?” Jisung asks and when you glance up, he’s looking at you. “Because that’s the guy’s job,” Maddie quickly saves the day, winking to you when you send her a grateful smile.

“Bullshit,” Jeongin scoffs. Everyone, even Ryujin, stops to look at him.

Did he just curse?

“I mean, like,” he stammers, cheeks turning rosy at all the attention, “it’s 2020. Guys have insecurities, too.”

“I agree,” Minho hums, looking to Maddie with hearts in his eyes, “that kind of confidence is enough to make any boy fall in love.”

“Yeah, but—”

Lia rebuts, but your attention quickly falls elsewhere when a text message first appears on your laptop, then your phone.

hwang hyunjin🦔🕺🏻💞🧻 [now] Where r u rn?

Unable to fight your smile, you quickly type back.

[3:39 PM] YN: outside hollin st café [3:39 PM] YN: why? :)

“Have you seen their new house, YN?” Minho asks, prompting you to click your phone off and set it back on the table. “Whose house?”

“Changbin’s parents.”

“Oh,” shaking your head, you distantly curse Chan for keeping your friend busy today. Unlike Jisung, Changbin likes to write lyrics and do whatever other music stuff during the day at a normal time instead of the middle of the fucking night while stoned and trying to finish his computer science assignments at the same time. “No, he forgot to send me pictures.”

“Dude,” Jisung sighs dreamily, “it’s huge. So nice. I think the front door alone could cover tuition.”

“Is it really that nice?” Maddie asks in awe.

“He started to show me pics the other day but couldn’t finish but the kitchen… unnecessary,” Ryujin quips, pausing her work to check her phone. “Yeah, it’s insane. The whole place is unnecessary but the kitchen is like, a house in itself,” Jeongin hums, head shaking in disbelief.

“Damn, now I really want to see it,” you sigh, making a mental note to hunt Changbin down so he can show you. “It’s like Hyunjin and his rings,” Minho snickers, “he has so many. Whenever we’re out, if he sees a ring, boom. It’s his.”

Well, he’s not wrong but… You bite your tongue no matter how badly you wish to defend Hyunjin and his affinity for rings and jewelry in general. The boy has taste, what can you say? You certainly are not complaining about Hyunjin’s long fingers and the way he chooses to decorate them.

“I never thought I’d hear Changbin’s parent’s kitchen be analogous to Hyunjin’s jewelry collection, yet here we are,” Maddie chuckles, leaning over Yeji to peek at her conversation with Sunwoo.

“Wow, speak of the devil,” Jisung pipes up of course as soon as you have reopened the tab to your assignment. Changbin or Hyunjin, you don’t know, head whipping up to find out and a peculiar mix of relief and panic settling over you once you spot the latter. “Uh oh, YN’s gonna go into cardiac arrest.”

As subtly as you can, you elbow Jisung in the stomach and smile at Hyunjin as he nears. “Hey,” keeping his eyes on you, Hyunjin approaches your table and stops behind Maddie opposite from you, “I’m sorry, I should have asked if you were busy.” His cheeks, already flushed, burn pinker once he looks away to smile weakly at everyone else.

“I’m not busy!” You squeak, scrambling to close your laptop and shove it in your bag. “Are you sure? I can come back later?” He offers, tilting his head and this is when you realize he is holding a bubble tea in each hand. And from the looks of it, one seems to be your usual order. “No, she’s not,” Jeongin answers for you, recognizing your stupefied expression.

“I was just – yeah. No,” rushing to stand and swing your legs out around the bench, you nearly fall flat on your face, “I wasn’t doing anything, actually.” Steadying yourself with a hand on Minho’s shoulder, you heave a labored breath before carefully walking to meet Hyunjin.

“Okay,” he beams, either oblivious to how flustered you are or simply choosing to ignore it. Turning to wave to your friends, he hands you one of the cups and you realize it is, in fact, your favorite boba. Oh boy. “See ya later,” you wave to them as well, nose wrinkling when both Jisung and Maddie wink in return.

Following after Hyunjin, you finally allow yourself to take notice of his attire and can’t help but feel confused. He looks good. And not in the good attractive way—he always looks good. But good as in formal. It’s four o’clock on a Tuesday in October and he’s out here looking as if he just got out of a business meeting. White button-down tucked into fitted black slacks, dress shoes, black tie, and he even has a black suit jacket draped over his arm. His hair is styled, too; ever since he dyed it back to black, he’s been growing it out long enough for his bangs to cover his eyes. Now, however, it’s parted down the middle and seems as if he’s ever so slightly curled it away from his face.

Suddenly, you feel ridiculous walking beside him in mom jeans and a baggy sweatshirt from high school.

“Thanks for the boba,” you mumble around your straw, brain still preoccupied trying to get over how utterly handsome he is. “Why do you look so fancy?”

The side of his mouth twitches up at your words, but his eyes stay glued to the sidewalk as you continue to your unknown destination. “I had an audition,” Hyunjin admits, voice devoid of emotion as if it’s not important at all. “An audition?” You echo. “Why do you sound so not super mega excited? How did it go? What was it for?”

“Well—”

“Wait!” You interrupt, stopping your walk once you realize he had an audition and you didn’t know. “You had an audition? What – why didn’t you tell me?”

Hyunjin frowns, avoiding your gaze and dragging his bottom teeth over his top lip. “I didn’t tell anyone,” he finally says before reaching for your hand and tugging you away from the walkway and into your campus’ main courtyard. “Why? Is it some sort of secret or something, Hyunjin?” You scoff, sounding way more annoyed than you intended. But you are annoyed; why didn’t he want to tell anyone?

“No,” he sighs, finding an empty area in the grass and lowering himself to sit, “I just… didn’t want anyone to know. Didn’t want to make it a big deal.”

“Hyunjin,” you sigh, visibly softening for him and settling down next to him, crisscrossing your legs, “it is a big deal. I don’t know what it’s for, but if it’s important enough for you to audition, then it’s important to us, too. You don’t need to be humble twenty-four-seven, you know. I’m sure you could have used our support.”

“I didn’t get it, though,” Hyunjin whispers, “they just – I didn’t get in. I wasn’t good enough.” Sensing the sadness in his voice, you find a lump forming in your throat when you notice the way his bottom lip trembles. “Hey,” panicking, you set your boba down and sit up on your knees to wrap your arms around him, cradling his head into your chest once tears start falling, “no. Don’t ever say you’re not good enough, Hyunjin.”

“But if I did better, practiced more, than I would—"

“Stop,” you hush, combing your fingers through his hair and brushing strands away from his eyes, “I’ve never met someone who works as hard as you do. You can’t beat yourself up over this. Everything happens for a reason. You don’t know what could have happened if you got in. You could have hurt yourself eventually, or maybe met someone who’s a real asshole.”

“Yeah,” is all he says, quiet and muffled when he turns to press his forehead into your sternum, body still trembling as he lets out all his tears. You stay like that for a while, holding him against you and soothing a hand up and down his back until his sniffling falls quiet. “Listen,” you finally sigh, grabbing him by the shoulders and pulling him back. Your heart sinks once you take in the wet trails down his cheeks and the puffiness of his eyes. “Forget about it. Was it something for dance?”

When he nods subtly, you cup his face in your hands and swipe his cheeks with your thumbs. “You are an amazing dancer, Hyunjin. You can’t let this get to your head. And I don’t want you working your ass off more than you do already. Practice makes perfect, sure, but you need to rest. What about the idea Changbin came up with?”

“The YouTube thing?”

“Yes! Filming dance tutorials or just posting your routines is a really good idea,” you remind him, wiping your hands on your jeans once he falls back onto the grass with a gentle thud, hair flaying around him like a halo. Your limbs twitch with the urge to lie beside him, maybe throw an arm around him and rest your cheek on his chest, fingers tracing the soft features of his face, stroking through his hair and reminding him just how innately perfect he is, inside and out. You, of course, resist such a temptation, flopping down beside him and staring up at the clouds with a heavy heart.

“I could do that. Maybe,” Hyunjin huffs. Tilting your head to look at him, you find yourself knee-deep in that familiar longing feeling, pausing simply to appreciate how pretty he is in the evening sun, cheeks rosy from crying and hair begging to be touched. Shaking your head to rid such daydreams, you remind yourself how fragile his emotions are right now. Now is no time to get caught up on a fantasy. Reaching for your tea, you lean up on an elbow and redirect your gaze to the trees, the promise of winter having turned what was green burnt sienna and butterscotch, leaving trees barren and branches swaying gently in the crisp breeze that leaves you curling into yourself. “You should,” you hum, distant, mind clawing to come up with the words you want to say.

“Come here,” Hyunjin says now, voice stronger than before and when his hand wraps gently around your wrist, you can’t find it in yourself to resist. Allowing him to pull you back down beside him, you curl into his side, resting your head a safe distance away from his own and onto the curve of his arm. “Thank you for being so good to me,” he expresses. You squeeze your eyes shut when the arm you lie on wraps around your shoulders and pulls you substantially closer. “I need to tell you something.”

A long stretch of silence falls upon you and for a moment, you are unsure the words even left your mouth. What are you thinking?

“Wait! I have something first,” Hyunjin sighs, missing the way your breath hitches. “Okay,” you whisper, fiddling with one of the buttons on his shirt and focusing all your attention there.

“I just – I think… I owe you an apology,” he finally says, “I need to apologize for something that I did a while ago that I know probably hurt.” Your chest tightens. There’s a lot that has hurt you when it comes to Hyunjin, but none that he’s done purposely. None that are his fault. None that he should be apologizing for.

“I feel like we came to some mutual understanding to not mention what happened when we were freshmen, but it kills me to know that – that something happened, and we never talked about it,” Hyunjin starts, grip tightening on your shoulder and suddenly, you think you are dreaming. This cannot possibly be real. “I know it was awkward but, I also know me and Yiren dating was… ah. I don’t know.”

When he falls silent, you are unsure of what to say or do. You have no idea what the end goal of this conversation is. Hardly a minute ago, your heart and your brain decided it was time to tell him. Now, you’re not so sure you can do that until he finishes, and you are not about to give him your two cents if his reasoning for bringing it up is not the same as yours.

“I just want to apologize for not being brave enough to talk to you about it. I know I was confused, but I’m sure it was worse for you when they told you about her,” Hyunjin continues, sensing your rendered silence, “and it’s been so long since that happened, and now, you’re one of my closest friends.” Ouch.

“But I’ve been thinking,” when he picks up again, your eyes fly open in a panic. He’s been thinking. Hyunjinhas been thinking. You think you are going to pass out. “And I just feel like we… me and you, I mean—"

The standard iPhone alarm blares from beside you, promptly cutting him off and you think it is the biggest cockblock known to man. “Shit,” he hisses, leaning up to tug his phone from his pocket and in the process nudging you from your comfortable position. Sitting back up, nerves aflame and heart racing, your brows shoot up in confusion when all he does is stare at the number calling him. “What are you doing?”

“It’s the studio I was just at,” he scoffs in disbelief, barely glancing at you before looking back to his phone. You have never wanted to shrivel up and die as much as you want to right now. “Well? Aren’t you going to answer?”

Hyunjin makes a noise of acknowledgement before tapping the green icon and bringing the phone to his ear. “Hello?”

Sitting quietly beside him, you watch with a forced smile as his hummed responses and subtle nods morph into enthusiastic laughs and wide, beaming smiles. Hyunjin notices your confusion when you tilt your head, mouthing a ‘What?’ to him.

“They made a mistake,” he whispers, covering the speaker of his phone, “read off the wrong Hwang. I’m in.” When he grins excitedly at you, your response isn’t as cheerful as it could be. As it should be. “Yay!” You whisper, clapping gently but quickly turning to your boba when the other line begins speaking again. Looking away, you take a hefty sip, nearly choke on a tapioca ball, and build the walls around your heart up all over again in a matter of seconds.

“I’ve gotta go,” whispering, you manage one more pained smile before getting to your feet and wiping your butt of any possible grass stains, “good luck!” When he shines you one more breathtaking smile and waves excitedly, you hastily head in the other direction, wrapping your arms around yourself and swallowing past the lump that threatens to form the farther you walk.

It must be nice, you think, frantically wiping at your waterline. Must be nice to put yourself out there and have things work out the way you want them to. Must be nice being told you’re ‘in,’ you’re wanted, you’re desired.

It must be nice.

six.

Pick up food, you said. Ask Jisung, you said.

Your conscience is a big fat oompa loompa ass bitch. You would have never called Jisung to ask him if he wanted anything from Taco Bell if you knew he was with Changbin. And not just Changbin, you realized four minutes into your call; Seungmin and Hyunjin, too. Apparently he went over their place to record, or something, and didn’t care to let you know. Not that you’re his mom and he has too—but it would have been nice, and would have saved you from spending almost fifty dollars at Taco Bell.

“I tried calling Jisung but he didn’t answer,” you snap once Seungmin answers your call with a muffled hello. “Can one of you please come out and help me carry this in?” You glance at the five large sodas and two bags full of food in your passenger seat with a grimace. “Sure,” he agrees and you make a mental note for the umpteenth time just how much you love Seungmin, “I’ll be out in a sec.”

True to his word, you spot him making his way out of their apartment and across the small courtyard to meet you by your car not even a minute later, hauling each bag under his arms. “Thank you,” left only with the cupholder, you hurriedly lock your car and follow after him. “No problem. Thanks for being our Uber Eats,” then, pursing his lips, “how much was this?”

“Forty-seven something,” you grumble unhappily, knowing this was a big hit to your debit. “We’ll pay you back, don’t worry,” Seungmin smiles, leading you up the final flight of stairs and kicking open the ajar door.

Immediately, you’re hit with the smell.

“Dear, fucking hell,” making a face, you rub your nose to keep from sneezing, “it reeks in here. How have you guys not been kicked out yet?”

The stench of weed generally does not bother you anymore, but still—they could light a candle, or something. Seungmin shrugs, setting the bags down on the kitchen counter. “Luck, I guess.”

“IS THAT YN?” From another room, you hear Changbin shout, followed by an excited shriek from Jisung. “They’re high. Very high. You’ve been warned,” Seungmin whispers just as tweedle dee and tweedle dum themselves come flying around the corner. “YN!” Jisung grins, engulfing you in a dramatic hug. “Watch,” you hiss, regarding the blunt held between his fingers that comes dangerously close to your hair.

“Sorry,” he smiles, then, without warning, sticks the thing right between your lips. “I didn’t even offer.” Well, when life gives you lemons…

You hesitantly take the hit and blow the smoke away from him. You weren’t planning on getting high today, but here you are. “Thanks,” shaking your head as if that will clear it, you turn to Changbin and snugly wrap your arms around him. Every day you thank the heavens that he is a chill, calm high, unlike your maniac of a roommate.

“Thanks for the food,” fishing into his pockets and pulling out a crumpled ten-dollar bill, he slaps it into your palm. You only hum in reply, shoving it into your own pocket and praying you don’t lose it before you remember to put it in your wallet. “Where’s Hyunjin?” You ask, no longer caring about being slick.

“In his room,” Seungmin answers, rummaging through the bags to find what he ordered. Then, “HYUNJIN!” You jump, reaching for your soda and standing away from the other three until they have claimed whatever belongs to them. No sooner than Seungmin calls for him, you hear a door being cracked open and out comes Hyunjin.

He looks extremely disheveled. Like, just woke up from a two-month hibernation, disheveled. In the blink of an eye, however, he rakes a hand through long blonde hair and promptly sets a baseball cap backwards to keep the strands away and suddenly, he doesn’t look so disheveled anymore. You force yourself to look away, cursing the way your gut twists.

“Gimme my crunchwrap,” you say around your straw, snatching the blunt from Jisung’s fingers and moving around him to fetch your dinner. He doesn’t even protest.

He knows you need it more than he does.

“That’s a lot of food,” Hyunjin says once he has finally entered the kitchen, voice groggy and eyes puffy from sleep. Or from being high, you can’t tell. Pressing his chest to your back, he wraps one arm around you to keep you against him while the other reaches into a bag to take what’s his. Swallowing past the desert dryness of your throat, you manage a thick inhale from the blunt before tilting your head to look at him and mentally thanking the other three for taking it as their cue to head out.

“Not my fault you guys eat like animals,” you chuckle shakily, trying to ignore the firmness of his body against yours, veins prominent on the arm that holds you against him and the ripple of muscle along his abdomen noticeable even through his shirt and yours. Dear god, it is too early for this. Not even seven o’clock and you are already drooling in more places than one.

Hyunjin pouts as if it is not true. “How much do I owe you?” He asks, finally moving away to grab his drink and you can’t help your disappointment, quickly finishing the blunt before tapping it out into one of the many ashtrays. “Don’t worry about it,” you wave off, digging through their drawers for a paper plate.

“YN,” Hyunjin deadpans, regarding you with a raised brow once you come up and begin unwrapping your food. You refuse to look him in the eye. “What do I owe you?” He repeats, firmer this time and it sends a chill down your spine when it most certainly should not. Sighing, you retrieve the receipt from your pocket and count everything he got. “Thirteen.”

Humming in content, Hyunjin reaches for his wallet on the counter and pulls a ten and five out. “There,” he beams, tucking the bills into your pocket himself. Rolling your eyes, you pray he does not notice how you flush and hurry out of the kitchen to join Seungmin on the sofa.

“House Hunters?” You ask with a laugh, looking at the TV once you have settled next to him. “I told you HGTV is the best.”

Seungmin hums in agreement. “I thought it was stupid at first, but Hyunjin was watching Fixer Upper and I got addicted,” he says, nodding to the older boy doing a little dance in the kitchen as he eats one of his tacos. Your heart does somersaults at the sight. “They’re all so good,” you agree after taking a few bites of your own food, eyes trained on the television, “House Hunters is a classic, though.”

“I like the international one,” Hyunjin adds on his way over, crashing unceremoniously next to you. Out of the corner of your eye, you notice Seungmin wrinkle his nose when Hyunjin sets his free hand casually on your thigh. “Shh,” he grumbles, vaguely gesturing to the screen and chewing a mouthful of food, “I wanna hear what the house has.”

One episode turns to two, which turns to three, which turns to four, and suddenly you have been watching House Hunters with Seungmin and Hyunjin for almost three hours. It definitely is the weed, always making time perpetually slower, and it did not help when Jisung and Changbin reappeared sometime during your binge with one of Felix’s bongs. Not necessarily how you intended to spend your precious Friday night, but there is no sense in complaining when you are with your buddies and Hyunjin, of course.

Taco Bell long gone, you watch with blurry eyes when Hyunjin gets up from his slumped position against you to head into the kitchen and open the freezer. This, as well as the realization that House Hunters has ended and gone to some other, not-as-cool show, brings both you and Seungmin somewhat back to reality.

“It’s almost ten,” Seungmin announces, staring dazedly at the time on his phone. You hum in acknowledgment, certainly sober enough to reply but simply too lazy to. “I think I’m going to bed. Or play something. Don’t wreck the place,” he sighs, dragging a hand down his face before standing up. “G’night, Minnie,” you smile, watching with a furrowed brow as he continues down the hall and into his room. It isn’t until you hear his door click shut does the weight of being alone with Hyunjin settle on your chest.

It’s not like you haven’t spent time alone with Hyunjin before. In fact, that usually is the way it’s been in the past three years; whether the two of you decided to do your own thing or the rest of your friends eventually left or went to bed, you are used to this feeling. Used to ignoring the butterflies in your gut when he does something particularly cute and used to tampering down the mental images you conjure up knowing it’s just you and him.

But that doesn’t make things any easier. No matter how hard you try, you simply can’t help but feel this way around Hyunjin, especially when you’re alone. That’s just the way the cookie crumbles.

“Whatcha wanna watch?” Hyunjin asks around one last spoonful of ice cream before setting the pint back into the freezer. “Uhh…” You drone, blinking heavily at the TV and back to him as he makes his way back over. “I dunno, I’m sure you’ve been watching some drama. You can put that on.”

“You sure?” He asks with a raised brow, collapsing next to you and slumping dramatically halfway down the cushions. “Yes,” laughing, you find yourself reaching out to tuck messy strands of hair back behind his ear without hesitation, “also, why are you wearing a hat inside?”

Hyunjin pauses, straining to look up as if he will be able to see the back of his cap against his forehead. “I’m wearing a hat?”

“Yes, you idiot,” in comes the endless weed giggles and you find yourself unable to stop laughing, watching with teary eyes as he sits up and takes his hat off. “I don’t remember putting this on,” he chuckles airily, flipping the cap back and forth in his hands before tossing it onto the coffee table. “Should I cut it?”

“No!” You shout a little too quickly and a little too loudly. Shrinking against the arm of the couch, you ignore his amused smile and look to his long hair, freshly bleached strands falling down to his neck and shorter pieces brushing against his cheeks. Fuck, it should be illegal to look this good. “I like it long. It really suits you.”

“It’s annoying,” Hyunjin grins despite his complaint, lifting his legs onto the couch and flopping onto his side, head now resting on your lap. “I don’t know what to do with it.”

Now that he’s offered playing with his hair on a silver platter, you don’t hesitate combing your fingers through it, tugging out pieces stuck under his head and brushing it out completely. “You could pull the sides back,” you hum distantly, separating a section of hair near his temple to pull back, “or make a bun with what you can. You just have to play around with it.”

Humming in agreement, Hyunjin resituates himself after reaching for the remote and switching to Netflix. When you go back to simply raking your fingers from root to tip in irregular directions, you don’t miss the way his eyelids flutter at the motion and make sure to pay extra attention to his scalp. When this turned into a head massage, you’re not entirely sure.

The drama Hyunjin puts on is unbearable. You stopped paying attention a while ago, focusing more on him and how he seems to enjoy it, fingers busy braiding random sections of hair, taking them out, and then braiding them again. With two finally done the way you want them to, you are midway through the third when your fingers begin to cramp up.

“Why’d you stop?” Hyunjin asks seconds after you drop the braid and stretch your fingers out. “Fingers are cramping,” chuckling at the disappointed pout of his lips, you crack what knuckles you can before going back and undoing the unfinished braid. “Oh,” he mutters, cheek still pressed against your leg, “feels good.”

Humming in response, you ignore the way his words make your heart swell and begin gathering all his hair into a ponytail, pressing the braids to lay flat and finally tying it with a hair tie once you have combed up all that you can. Immediately, his bangs and hairs closer to the nape of his neck fall out, leaving the ponytail spikey and messy. At least the braids look good. You can’t help but giggle.

“What?” Hyunjin asks, pausing his show and leaning up. “What’d you do?”

“Go see for yourself,” pointing to the bathroom, you comb out a looped piece of hair before he stands to do just that. His ponytail bobs the entire walk there.

When he reaches the door and flips the light on, you watch from your position as he checks himself out, brushing away his bangs and flicking the pony. You frown when he accidentally yanks at a braid.

“Come here,” you say, sitting up, “you messed up the braid.”

“Honestly,” Hyunjin considers his reflection one last time before skipping his way over, “it doesn’t look half bad.” Expecting him to sit back next to you, your pulse quickens when he anchors a hand to the armrest and leans in front you, only inches away from your face. “No, definitely,” you say once you have gotten over the shock of him being so close so suddenly, “I like it in the ponytail. You’d really impress the girls if you braided your hair yourself.” Reaching up to tuck hair back into the braid and press it down flat once more, you don’t miss the way his brows draw together and lips twitch down. “What?”

Time ceases to exist as Hyunjin begins to come closer. In reality, you know it simply is a matter of seconds, but all of space and time seems to still once he leans forward. It feels as if an eternity goes by, allowing you to count each individual eyelash, memorize the details of his skin, take note of the smoothed lines on his plump lips. The way time slows is cruel; it allows panic to set in, the realization that he most certainly is looming over you with his eyes on your lips sending a spark of excitement and anxiety through your veins.

And then, just as this realization and this panic has set your nerves aflame, a gentle hand comes to cradle your jaw before Hyunjin’s lips press against yours.

It is so easy to surrender to the taste and touch of him. Instantly, an eruption of emotions and thoughts spiraling out of control fills you, yet your brain focuses only on Hyunjin, Hyunjin, Hyunjin. This is not the first time you have kissed him, nor the first time simply having him so close, but the feeling that radiates from your heart outward is unlike anything you have felt before. This is uncalled for. This is not like two years ago. You were not expecting this.

Hyunjin sighs into the kiss when you lean up to loop your arms around his neck. No sooner have you done this, he breaks away to sit beside you once more, hands reaching for your waist and guiding you to sit over his lap.

You could kiss him all day, you think, palms lying flat by his collarbones before fisting the material of his shirt when his tongue prods at the seam of your lips. Blood seemingly coming to a boil and nerves sparking dangerously, you find yourself quickly sobering up as the minutes tick by, completely and utterly addicted to him and this feeling, this feeling you have craved but never crossed the line for. And now, it’s yours to keep.

Forgetting the braids, you seize the opportunity to rake your fingers through his hair. Different, than how you did earlier. Desperate. Combing it away from his face once, twice, swallowing his groans when you tug at the roots, you realize with a whine that his hands have left your face in favor of dragging down your sides, circling back to squeeze at your breasts, rubbing at your thighs and finally sliding back to your ass, situating you more comfortably on his thighs.

When Hyunjin finally breaks the kiss to journey elsewhere, littering chaste kisses across your jaw, below your ear, down your neck, the weight of your actions finally hits you. It is overwhelming, the way you come spiraling back to reality, and you are not sure if the quiet moan that leaves you is due to the press of something else against your thigh or simply the realization that you are making out with Hyunjin.

You have to stop before you get hurt again.

“Hyunjin,” you gasp, shuddering when his soft lips brush against your jaw, “wait. We need to talk.”

He pauses at this, fingers digging into your sides and you feel his frown against your neck. “What’s there to talk about?” He murmurs, arms sliding around you and tugging you closer, prompting you to wrap your arms around his neck and hug him close and pretend like his boner isn’t digging into you.

It’s your turn to frown. “About us,” whispering, you lift one hand to stroke through his hair, “we need to talk about us.”

“I thought my feelings were very clear,” Hyunjin scoffs, all tenderness in his voice gone. Instinctively, you lean back, blinking at him in surprise. “Unless this is just another one of your games? Does this not mean anything to you, YN? I don’t think I could stomach you running off to Changbin or fucking Chan again.”

His words pierce your heart before you have even fully processed them, hurt flashing across your features and your body goes numb. “What?” Is all you can manage, scrambling to get away from him, chest heaving and eyes suddenly burning with the brine of tears. “What are you talking about, Hyunjin?”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about!” He shouts. You flinch, not from the way he raises his voice, but from the genuine sadness in his eyes. “The past three years have been a constant battle with you. We’re best friends, for fucks sake, I figured out a long time ago that you have feelings for me. Feelings more than best friends. Yet every fucking time we started moving in the right direction, you turned your back on me.”

You can do nothing but stand there and let the tears fall. All the words and bottled emotions you wish to say are right there on the tip of your tongue, but you simply cannot bring yourself to voice them. Not when he’s right. Not when you have turned your back on him time and time again.

And then, he hisses more to himself than you, “Is this just sloppy seconds? You never once thought about my feelings in all of this?”

The anger brewing within you suddenly bursts from the dam and hisses through your body like deadly poison. “Sloppy seconds?” You snarl, fists clenching. “Who the fuck do you think you are? Your feelings? You just said you know how I feel about you, so why didn’t you ever do anything about it? How was I supposed to know you felt the same?”

“I thought it was pretty fucking obvious,” Hyunjin spits back, gaze narrowing, “didn’t think I had to spell out the fact that I like you, YN. You’re a smart girl.”

“Do not treat me like a child,” clenching your jaw, you have to look away for a moment, pacing one, two, three steps, hands raking through your hair and wiping away the stream of tears from your cheeks. You have never been filled with such rage. Having finally reached its boiling point, it now consumes you whole, sweeping off in waves and destroying all boundaries. “Confessing is not an easy thing, as you apparentlyknow, so don’t make me seem like the only idiot here. But maybe I was wrong about you if you think of me as just sloppy seconds.”

“I never said that!” Hyunjin barks, standing up to grasp your wrist when you turn away to grab your keys. “Don’t put words in my mouth! I would never, never think of you that way. I just don’t understand why you never spoke up after all this time. I’ve been dying, YN, you have no clue how badly I have been—”

“Oh, believe me, I know,” you snap, yanking your arm away from him, “I told you, Hyunjin. Telling someone you love them isn’t as easy as learning to ride a bike. You’re right, I have turned my back on you. But not intentionally. I’ve been scared, I’m a pussy, whatever.” Biting your top lip as if it will stop the tears that continue to fall freely, you avoid looking at him and glance back to find not only Seungmin, but Jisung and Changbin, too, peeking out from their doors with eyes blown wide with shock. Once you have noticed them, however, they panic and scramble to get out of sight.

Sighing shakily, you look back to Hyunjin and cannot ignore the way your heart sinks at the sight of him. Even upset, he is beautiful. You wonder how much you will see him after this.

“You don’t have to tell me you like me back to make me feel better, Hyunjin,” bouncing on your heels, you suddenly feel exhausted, body and soul heavy with the words you not only spoke, but heard, too. “We can figure this out another day, but for now, I need to go home. I’ll see you.”

Turning away once more, you do not make it very close to the front door before he stops you once more. “Wait, YN,” Hyunjin huffs, smiling softly when he reaches for your hand and you do not pull away. Running his tongue over his lip, he seems to hesitate for a moment, trying to gather his thoughts.

“Did you mean it when you said you love me?”

⇢ epilogue

[neocityarchive]

blind love | l.m.k.

— in which mark lee is so much more than just your best friend but you were too blind to realize it.

word count: 7.2k | warnings: light swearing | blind love - lola young |

a/n: i didnt mean for it to be this long but i hope you enjoy!!!

“Just friends,” Mark said, his voice still steady even in the growing tension of the moment. “That’s all you said we are, right?”

Your head dropped down to look at your hands, not knowing what to say. The overbearing guilt of rejecting his sudden confession was crushing your chest that it became painful to breathe.

“I’m sorry, Mark,” was all you could say. You forced yourself to meet his gaze through your already glassy eyes, wanting to let him know the sincerity of your words.

He smiled kindly, shaking his head. There was sadness in his eyes. And in all the years you two have known each other, you could tell how hard he was trying to hide it. “It’s okay. That’s all we’ll be.”

You bumped your head repeatedly against your study table in an attempt to rid yourself of the memory that’s constantly been playing in your head. 

It was a Sunday which meant there were no classes, which meant the university was closed, which meant that you couldn’t even make an excuse to see your best friend Mark who somehow, after almost three years of friendship, suddenly decided that it was a good idea to tell you he loves you more than a friend should love a friend.

You couldn’t say it happened out of nowhere. He’s been saying he has something important to tell you for almost two weeks before the incident but every time you confront him about it, he always makes up some lame excuse to dodge. It took a lot of self-hate for yourself and a nice amount of his protective instinct to finally make him spit it out. 

He came to your apartment that night, finding you barefaced, wearing a pair of sweats and one of his hoodies that you stole some time ago. From that he already knew you weren’t okay. You like wearing his stuff to seek some sort of comfort. Somehow, the smell of his clothes helps calm you down.

You were supposed to help him finish a report but you couldn’t concentrate after getting a below satisfactory grade on a major exam. College has done nothing but give you a shitload of insecurities lately and this just pushed you off the edge. The only thing that has been keeping you sane was the knowledge that you had someone who you can run to at the end of the day. Someone who is willing to listen to your rants and would do almost anything to cheer you up.

That day, however, none of Mark’s usual encouragement worked on you. He was getting frustrated hearing you downplay yourself because of a single exam. You started going on about how stupid you felt, how staying up all night to study did nothing but make you ugly. Mark countered every insult you threw at yourself, throwing in a few jokes here and there, all of which you ignored. But when you went on about how all of this made you unworthy of anything, how no one could possibly love you in this state, he just couldn’t take it anymore.

“I love you,” he snapped, cutting you off from your long self-deprecating speech. 

“You’re my best friend. You’re supposed to say that,” you whined, clearly missing the point.

Mark, on the other hand, was barely holding it all inside. He ran his hands through his hair and sighed. “No, idiot. I love you. Stop saying no one could love you, because I do. And not just because you’re my best friend.”

It wasn’t until you noticed his hands were quivering that you realized what he really meant. Looking back on it, you couldn’t help but hate yourself. You were sure it took a lot of his courage (and frustration) to come clean to you like that, and you couldn’t even take him seriously at first.

“Mark, no,” you remember telling him.

“I do. I hate that I do, but I do.” He looked away. “I love you and I know you’re feeling burdened right now, but you don’t have to say it back.”

A part of you broke that day. You hated rejecting people after having gone through several rejections yourself. It’s the worst feeling. You always wished there was a way you could always return people’s feelings just so no one would get hurt, but the universe just doesn’t work that way.

You muttered about a hundred sorries to which Mark replied a hundred ‘it’s okay’s. Maybe it was meant to make you feel better, but it just felt like your heart was getting ripped off your chest.

Mark didn’t stay long after that. You didn’t even get to help him with his report. He said sorry for suddenly dropping the L-word and you said sorry for not being able to say it back. He smiled sadly and it took your everything not to cry. He asked if he could hug you and you didn’t even answer. You just went straight into his arms, burying your head in his chest like you’ve done so many times before, breathing heavily to keep yourself from breaking down. And when the two of you pulled away, he insisted on being alone for a while. You said okay followed by another sorry.

You didn’t know “being alone for a while” meant ignoring you for god knows how long. You see him at uni but he wouldn’t even meet your eye. Even when you share the same class, he would choose to sit as far from you as possible. Once, he entered a cafe you were in and upon seeing you inside, he immediately turned around and walked away.

He’s ignoring you and he isn’t even being subtle about it. Mark Lee could never be subtle about anything, not even his feelings. You really were just too blind to realize anything.

Even other people saw how he felt. People used to come up to you all the time and ask about your “boyfriend” Mark. Sure, you would blush, shy that people thought you’re in a relationship with your best friend. When you explain that you weren’t actually dating, you would get the same shocked reaction every time. One of your friends even said you acted more like a couple than most people in a relationship do. You always thought it was just because you and Mark were such good friends.

“Friends don’t hold hands in public,” you remember Renjun saying.

“We don’t hold hands. He just grabs me and drags me to places,” you said defensively.

“And they don’t hug each other and stare at each other’s eyes while talking about pizza,” Jaemin scoffed.

You just rolled your eyes at them. It never crossed your mind that maybe they were right. You and Mark have never acted like how friends should. Maybe it’s the reason why you’re in this mess after all.

You sighed to yourself. You miss him. You can’t even pretend that you don’t. He’s become such a huge part of your everyday life that you couldn’t just ignore the sudden empty space he left when he said he wanted to be alone. You know he needed time to be by himself. But a part of you keeps holding on to his promise that even after his confession, you two would still be friends. And friends text each other, right? So all your attempts at communication depended on just that.

Thursday, 5:31 PM

You: wanna go watch a movie? i’ll buy the tickets.

Mark: cant. i have an exam tomorrow. sorry :/ maybe next time?

You: oh. okay. goodluck on your exam :)

Friday, 2:21 AM

You: [photo] this is possibly the cutest cat photo i’ve seen in awhile

Mark: that’s cute but dogs are still cuter

You: … okay?

Mark: go to sleep, y/n

Friday, 12:03 PM

You: i know you dont have class rn. have lunch w me?

Mark: oh i already ate with jaemin. sorry!!

You: it’s okayyyy :>> i’ll see u later? it’s friday night sooo we can hang out.

Mark: idk the boys already asked me to go out tonight

You: oh okay have fun!

Saturday, 6:54 PM

You: maaaark

Mark: y/nnn

You: [types] i miss you kajdhfhdksjdh [deletes]

You: nothing haha wanna grab some coffee?

Saturday, 7:01 PM

You: nvm haha have a nice nighhhttt

Sunday, 10:21 PM

You: hey can we talk

Mark: ???

You: please?

Mark: ye what about?

You: you said we’d still be friends

Mark: lol aren’t we?

You: this isn’t how friends talk to each other. i miss having an actual conversation with you.

You: we dont even see each other anymore.

Mark: i literally reply more to u than i do to jaem wdym haha

You: wow fine okay

Mark: ?????

You: i guess i deserve that haha

Mark: im tired y/n. night.

You: :( nighttt

You checked your messages for the nth time, reading everything as if something was gonna miraculously change with the cold conversation thread. Your fingers have been hovering over the keypad, typing and deleting ‘i miss you’ and ‘talk to me’ for about a hundred times already.

You don’t get why you can’t just say it. What’s so wrong with telling your best friend you miss him? Why is it so hard to press send? Why are you suddenly so afraid of how he would reply or if he would even reply at all?

It was only 10:30 in the evening. You know for sure Mark is only lying about going to sleep. He never sleeps this early unless he really is tired. He does nothing on Sundays so he can’t possibly be tired. Sundays are usually just the two of you hanging out in his apartment or yours, just to watch movies or study together. So what did he do today?

“Stop thinking about him,” you grumbled to yourself. “It’s just Mark. He’s a big boy, he can handle himself.”

But that’s not the point, a voice inside your head said. Just tell him you miss him.

You typed it again, ‘I miss you,’ but deleted it as soon as it was finished. Again. 

You’ve spent everyday with Mark that it suddenly hurts to think he’s enjoying the time you usually spend together alone. It’s crazy how you can’t stop thinking about how his day went or if he’s okay or whether he’s eaten or not. You know how stubborn he can be. Sometimes, he’d get so engulfed in whatever he’s doing that he would accidentally skip meals unless you remind him otherwise. 

“Fuck this,” you muttered to yourself. You figured you won’t ever be left at peace if you don’t do anything about whatever you’re feeling, so you decided to text Jaemin.

Sunday, 10:52 PM

You: jaeeem hi :)

Jaemin: y/n!!!!! hello :>

You: sorry for bothering you but have you talked to mark lately?

Jaemin: im talking to him rn haha why? you want me to ask him something?

You: not really hahaha how is he?

Jaemin: haha why not ask him yourself

You: he doesnt wanna talk to me lol pls just answer

Jaemin: he’s stubborn as always. he wont listen to me.

You: why, what’s he doing?

Jaemin: idk but it’s definitely not talking to you ksjdjkd

You: … very funny

Jaemin: sorry lmaooo he’s running on an hour or two of sleep everyday

You: jaemin!! why won’t you scold him?

Jaemin: we do! he just doesn’t listen. u know he only listens to you.

Jaemin: idk why you guys still arent together lmao bunch of idiots tbh

You: we’re just friends

Jaemin: rlly? oh btw mark hyung is looking for his save the bees shirt. did u see it anywhere?

You: yeah he left it here like two weeks ago when he slept over

Jaemin: LMAOOO DOESNT SOUND LIKE FRIENDS TO ME CHIEF

You: i fckingskjfhfn hate you

Jaemin: HJSJSHHDJD ok but seriously tho mark hyung is fine. just give him time, he’ll come around.

Jaemin: he misses you but u didnt hear it from me

Jaemin: ok bye he’s getting suspicious now lol

You: idk how you’re both an angel and the devil at the same time

You: anw thanks jaem. dont tell him i asked about him lol byeee

You sighed, putting your phone down in surrender. Your mind was more of a mess now than it was before you talked to Jaemin. You hate that he makes sense especially about the weird, more-than-friendly dynamics of your relationship with Mark. But more importantly, your head was beginning to be overfilled with worry.

Mark runs on barely two hours of sleep everyday. No wonder he always looks so out of it whenever you see him in the hallway. You wanted to call him, to tell him that he should sleep already, to remind him that he shouldn’t overwork himself, that doing just enough is okay. But you know he doesn’t want to talk to you. The cold replies and the ‘????’ were more than enough to tell you that.

Still, you figured it was worth a try sending him a little reminder. So you grabbed your phone once again and typed a message, revealing a little more of your emotions than you intended to. And before you could even think twice about it, you hit send.

Sunday, 11:04 PM

You: hey i know you’re still not asleep. dont worry, you dont have to reply to me. i just wanna tell you that you should take care of yourself. i know you. you’re stubborn and sometimes you won’t sleep or eat unless someone reminds you to so,, this is me reminding you haha. stop overworking yourself mark, please? you cant be sick cause i cant take care of you since you wont talk to me… lol jk. but seriously, get more rest (and talk to me,, hahah jk again unless u wanna ;)) please go to sleep now. goodnight. see you around i guess.

You stopped texting Mark after that. You wondered if he would find the initiative to talk to you first if you didn’t start the conversation. Now, two days have passed and your sleep reminder remains to be the last message on your conversation thread. You couldn’t say it didn’t hurt. You were hoping for at least a small thanks but didn’t get anything at all.

You were starting to get more and more frustrated as the days went by. It’s so unfair that you are slowly losing your best friend because of this. It’s unfair that you can’t even be mad at him because you just broke his heart. You wished there was any way you could have changed what happened, but the past remains to be written.

That afternoon, you passed by one of the cafes you and Mark always go to. You went inside, suddenly craving their special banana muffin which he introduced to you some months ago. The owner recognized you right away as you came up to the cashier.

“You’re not with your boyfriend today?” she asked.

You felt your heart skip a beat and not in a good way. It hurt. You figured there was no use in explaining since she probably won’t believe that Mark is not your boyfriend so you just smiled sadly and answered, “No.”

The lady somehow talked you into buying two muffins so you can bring one to your “boyfriend.” After handing her your payment, you realized maybe that wasn’t such a bad idea. Mark always brings you stuff whenever you’re mad or upset. He knows exactly what you’re craving for even before you knew you were craving for it. Why not try if it works on him?

As soon as you headed out the cafe, you whipped your phone out to text Jaemin, asking if he knew where Mark was. It’s Tuesday, his most free day of the week so he could be anywhere. Jaemin replied not after five minutes.

Jaemin: not sure but he mentioned something about the library??

You: okay thank you!

From that, you knew exactly where Mark is. There was a small patio-like spot beside the library that he likes going to. Not a lot of people utilize the place since the tables and chairs are almost always filled with dried fallen leaves from the surrounding trees but Mark likes the thought of being close to nature.

That day though, there were more people around the area than usual. It was lunchtime so most people were out of the classrooms. Still, it wasn’t hard spotting Mark. It has never been much of a challenge finding him in a crowd of people. You saw him as soon as he came into view, sitting by the table on the corner under one of the ginkgo trees. He had his laptop open and a box of food beside it. His eyebrows furrowed in concentration one moment and then he was laughing the next. 

You were about to make your way towards him but immediately stopped in your tracks when you realized he wasn’t alone.

You didn’t know who the girl was. You’ve seen her a lot of times in class and in the hallway. You even have a vague memory of Mark talking to her one time. But you never really bothered to learn her name. She had that soft, innocent look that goes so well with her shy smile. She had her hair tucked in her ears to show just enough of her pretty face. She was beautiful. Unconventionally but undeniably. But none of that mattered.

When she said something with a smirk and Mark let out his trademark laugh, nose scrunching, hand repeatedly hitting the table, shoulders shaking and all, it felt like something punched you in the stomach. He uttered something in reply and now both of them are clutching their sides for laughing too hard. 

He looks happy, you thought, I should be, too.

But you aren’t. You continued watching their exchange, him showing her something on his laptop and both of them laughing once again. Your chest felt heavy, like something was sitting on it and now it hurts to breathe. You didn’t realize you’ve been clutching the plastic bag containing the muffin too hard until you felt the sting of nails digging on your palms. You knew you should look away but you couldn’t. You wanted to run towards him. You wanted to tell the girl to scooch over so you can sit beside Mark and give him his muffin.

This is pathetic. I should be happy for him, you said to yourself. But why am I not?

You wanted to be angry, to scream and say that it should be you he’s laughing like that with. To say that it’s you he should be spending his time with. You wanted to ask if he still feels the way he said he does about you. And if he does, then why this? But you remained glued to the ground.

You hated how you were being selfish. You rejected him, remember? So why do you expect him to follow your tails like an intoxicated mad dog? Why can’t you be happy at the possibility that he found someone that feels the same way he does? Why does it… hurt? It’s not supposed to. If you really are friends, then him being happy with someone after your rejection should make you happy as well. If you really are friends, then you shouldn’t be standing here looking stupid, watching them from afar, wishing he’s with you instead.

“What are you looking at?”

You jumped at the sudden disruption, almost dropping your muffins. “What the hell, Jaemin?!” you whined, finally looking away from Mark.

“Mark hyung and Mina?” he snorted.

So that’s her name. “No,” you lied, forcing yourself to take a step away, then another, then another.

“Are you jealous?” Jaemin teased. “Have you finally realized you’re also whipped for our hyung?”

“No,” you grumbled.

“Then why are you almost crying?” 

You blinked. You didn’t even realize the tears pooling in your eyes. Why are you being like this? “Shut up. I’m not.”

Jaemin only shrugged. “Fine. Torture yourself, then.” He smirked. “By the way, Jeno and I are inviting people to our place this Friday after exams. Just some drinks and maybe karaoke, I don’t know. We all deserve a break from hell. Wanna come?”

You didn’t reply. Your mind was too preoccupied with other things.

“Mark hyung is coming,” he said. “Maybe Mina too.”

“I don’t wanna go,” you said immediately, suddenly coming up with a decision.

The boy laughed. “You are jealous! God, I love it when you prove yourself wrong. You shouldn’t be though. You already know he likes you.”

“I’m not jealous! Stop it,” you whined, really wanting to cry this time. Everything is so frustrating and Jaemin is not being of any help. You wanted to go home and just wrap yourself in your blanket and maybe one of Mark’s hoodies.

“Then come to our place this Friday. It’s gonna be fun.” He grinned.

“Fine. Whatever. Just get away from me, you little shit,” you said, kicking him lightly in the butt.

You didn’t know if it was a lie or not but if Mark really is seeing someone now, you just didn’t like the idea of seeing them flirt with each other in front of your eyes. Even the thought of it makes you want to pull all your hair out. Is that considered jealousy? If so, why are you feeling it for someone who’s supposed to be just a friend?

Thursday came and you found yourself crying after realizing the shirt you’ve been wearing the whole day was Mark’s. No wonder he looked surprised seeing you in the hallway. He looked away immediately though, acting as if you weren’t there. It didn’t even cross your mind since you use this shirt quite a lot.

After calming yourself down, you put your playlist on shuffle and cried some more after Friends by Ed Sheeran started playing. You didn’t even realize how fitting the song was for your situation until now. Mark probably did.

You remembered him singing that song once. The two of you were just lounging in his apartment. He was playing his guitar while you pretended to study when in reality you were just looking at him. You watched as his fingers plucked and strummed the guitar strings while he softly mumbled lyrics, head bobbing to the tune. He’s good. Unsurprisingly, since he’s good at everything.

When he realized you were staring at him, he turned his head slightly to meet your eyes, one side of his lips curling up into a smirk. “No, my friends won’t love me like you do,” he sang. 

You looked away, your cheeks heating up almost immediately. It was hard to focus on your readings when he’s sitting right in front of you looking like that, singing like that. You sighed. He truly was never being subtle about how he felt.

After finishing the song, Mark put his guitar down and laid his head on your lap, not even bothering to ask if it’s okay. That’s how comfortable you were with each other.

“What are you doing?” You remember whining.

“Wake me up after 15 minutes,” he said, already closing his eyes. You took a photo of him that night. He’s cute when he’s asleep. Even cuter when you look at him up close. 

Of course, you just had to search your camera roll to find the photo. When you did, it felt as if a storm was raging on your stomach and a gorilla was pounding on your chest. It never dawned to you just how much it hurts that he suddenly left you alone until that moment.

“Goddamn, I miss you so much,” you muttered, looking at his peaceful expression in the photo.

And then you cried some more. You feel lost.

All you wanted to do was curl up in his arms and inhale his scent and listen to how his day went (and maybe accidentally fall asleep together). It sucks because you really had no one else to turn to. The single person who has always been your safe place doesn’t want to talk to you and even if he did, you really wouldn’t know what to say. Perhaps friends really aren’t like that. The thought of everyone being right when they said that maybe you and Mark were never really just friends has never been stronger than it was tonight.

Still, you couldn’t be bothered to sort your feelings out.

He feels like home, you thought. It was the best way to explain the sense of comfort and safety and the feeling of being more than enough that he provides you. It’s the only thing you can think of when your mind drifts to how he is always the constant person that you run to at the end of the day. But friends can feel like home, too, right?

Not to this extent. Not really.

Friday. You found yourself aimlessly roaming around the neighborhood after your classes in the hopes of distracting yourself from your feelings or whatever the hell they’re supposed to be called. You wouldn’t have remembered Jaemin’s party if you didn’t happen to pass by their apartment building.

You stood in front of it for two solid minutes, contemplating whether to go or not.

Mark might be there, you thought. With everything that’s going on in your head and with all the mess happening in your chest, would it really be a good idea to see him? You thought maybe all these things you’re feeling are just a result of missing him. All these sadness and confusion might just be because you miss your best friend.

So you entered the building. You told yourself that you’ll try talking to him again this time, no matter how stubborn he’s going to be. And if it still doesn’t change anything, then you will take it as a sign to let him go. If not forever, then at least for now.

You reached the door to Jaemin and Jeno’s apartment. Even from the outside, the sound of the bass can already be heard. You wondered how long before the neighbors would file a complaint against them, but knowing Jaemin and Jeno, their neighbors are probably inside, partying with them right now.

Before entering, you looked down on your chest just to make sure you were wearing your own shirt and not Mark’s. It didn’t feel right wearing his stuff anymore. God, it really felt like you just broke up. Why is it like this?

You took a deep breath and opened the door. There were already a lot of people inside even if it was just 8 in the evening. Most of them, you know the faces of. You smiled to greet some and muttered a hi to others.

Renjun spotted you as soon as you came into the living room. “Y/N!” He grinned, handing you a cup of god knows what. “Jaemin said he invited you but we were all pretty sure you were gonna ghost us. But you didn’t!”

You laughed hesitantly. “Thanks, I guess?”

“Drink up. It’s a cocktail I made myself,” he said proudly, almost forcing the cup into your mouth.

You took a sip, figuring it won’t do any harm but you spat the liquid back to the cup as soon as it touched your tongue. “What the hell did you put in this?”

He shrugged. “Honestly, I don’t know. I just mixed in everything I could find. Thanks for trying it out though. I’ve been looking for a volunteer for five minutes already.”

You frowned. There were a lot of things you were unsure of at the moment but there is one thing that’s certain: you have weird friends. You were about to complain to Renjun when he plucked the cup from your grip and went on to find another victim, not even bothering to listen when you said you literally spat on the cup.

Mark didn’t seem to be anywhere. The apartment wasn’t that big so if he was here, it would be easy to spot him. Maybe he decided not to show up after knowing you were coming. And honestly, part of you was relieved. As much as you wanted to talk to him, you still didn’t know what to say. 

I’m sorry I broke your heart, but I miss you so much and I did a lot of thinking and maybe we really shouldn’t be labeled as just friends but I don’t know if I love you, is that okay? That’s just stupid. This whole thing is stupid.

You wanted to leave. Parties have never really been your thing. You usually just go because Mark asked you to since he loves interacting with people. But you figured you needed some alcohol in your system, mainly as a distraction, but also to give you a boost of courage just in case. So you made your way to the kitchen, avoiding eye contact with anyone as much as possible.

You stopped in your tracks as you came to the kitchen. The sound of that laugh was all too familiar.

Great, you thought. Mark was there. And Mina was too. But so were Jeno and Jaemin who exchanged looks as soon as their eyes landed on you. They were all laughing about something before you came.

“You’re here!” Jaemin said a little too enthusiastically in a poor attempt to address the sudden increase of tension in the room.

“Hi,” you said, smiling sheepishly, purposefully avoiding Mark’s gaze which you could feel boring into you. “Just gonna get a drink.”

“Help yourself,” Jeno said. Jaemin smirked beside him. 

The refrigerator was just beside Mark. Just great, you thought again. You walked towards it, desperately trying to ignore the four pairs of eyes following your every move.

“Excuse me,” you muttered, still not looking at your best friend.

Mark took a step sideways before opening the fridge for you. You muttered a quick thanks before grabbing the first bottle your hands landed on, not even bothering to check what it was. You really just wanted to get out of there. Maybe the talking to Mark plan was flawed from the beginning because you clearly can’t find the courage in you to face him now.

Beside you, Mark clicked his tongue. He was so close that you could smell his perfume mixed with a bit of alcohol. It made your knees weak. 

He took the bottle from your hand and put it back before grabbing a different one and handing it to you. “The other one had vodka. Vodkas give you a headache, remember?” he said in a slightly annoyed tone.

“Oh.” Your voice sounded small even to your own ears. Not gonna lie, you wanted to cry at that moment. “Thanks.”

You could hear Jaemin snickering behind you but you couldn’t bring it in yourself to care. You turned to everyone and said a quick goodbye before dashing out of the kitchen.

Your heart was beating hard and rapidly and not because you moved too fast. You didn’t know why but it hurt seeing Mark like that, like he was okay, like nothing changed with the two of you. It hurt knowing that even after everything, he still knows you the best.

You wanted to run. You wanted to disappear. But you couldn’t leave without passing by the kitchen. Somehow, you know someone in there would stop you. If not Mark, then definitely Jaemin. But you really wanted to be alone. So you resorted to the next best thing. You whipped your phone out and sent Jaemin a text.

You: thanks for inviting me to this party. now i feel like shit :D

Jaemin: IM SORRY BUT DONT LEAVE YET TF

You:  i need to be alone and i cant leave without passing by the kitchen and seeing mark. so pls let me use your room for a while.

You: i wont do anything i promise. i just need to calm down.

Jaemin: fine but dont lock the door

You: okay thanks

The door to Jaemin’s room was at the other end of the apartment. You made your way through the noisy crowd, slipping from Renjun’s weird gimmicks when he tried to make you a victim once again, before finally reaching the quiet confines of Jaemin’s room.

The thin walls barely blocked the noise but at least there was no one else here. You sat at the edge of the bed and placed the beer bottle on the floor. You forgot you didn’t even manage to open it. So you just stared at your feet, trying to catch your breath even if you didn’t do anything. That heavy feeling on your chest was back again. It was now associated with being in Mark’s presence.

You started counting to ten to calm yourself down before burying your face on your palms, breaking down into sobs as soon as your forehead came in contact with your fingers. “God, why can’t I just…” you cried, “... admit it to myself already?”

You wanted to thrash around in the bed in frustration but you thought Jaemin didn’t deserve such a mess so you settled with getting up and lightly banging your head against the door. It’s a bad habit you do when you feel annoyed or frustrated. Mark has always been reminding you to stop before you hurt yourself.

Mark. Again. You groaned, hitting your head a little harder this time.

Someone knocked on the door making you stop. You took a step back, thinking you just imagined it. But there it was again.

“Someone’s here,” you said, trying to hide the sound of your voice breaking.

“I know. Can I come in?” It was Mark. There was no question. 

Your heart started pounding on your chest once again. You wanted to tell him to go away but you couldn’t find it in yourself to do so. 

He took your silence as a yes. He swung the door slightly and poked his head through the small opening. Your hands immediately flew to your face to hide the fact that you’ve been crying.

“You know, I came in here because I didn’t wanna see you when I pass by the kitchen if I leave then you come here making me look like a clown,” you said, your voice muffled by your hands.

Mark chuckled softly. “Why didn’t you wanna see me?”

You didn’t reply. Your face felt hot, not just because of the tears that just won’t stop falling but also because all the blood has come rushing to your cheeks.

Mark grabbed both your wrists and gently lowered your hands down, trying to see your face, but your head bent down as soon as it wasn’t covered. “Y/N, look at me,” he said, hands still on your wrists.

“No.”

“Are you crying?” The idiot crouched down to have a glimpse of your face making you whine and cover your face again. “Last I checked, I should be the one looking brokenhearted around here.”

“God I hate you,” you mumbled. “You ignored me for nearly four weeks and you come in here just to make fun of me.”

He let out an empty laugh. “Well, you did break my heart so…”

At that, you removed your hands from your face to look at him. You were going to say sorry but Mark had that smug look on his face that made you want to punch him. It was almost convincing if you weren’t so good at reading the real emotions in his eyes. His expression softened upon finally seeing you properly.

He looked away, not being able to hold your gaze either. That just confirmed how hard he was trying to keep up with the exterior he was showing everyone.

“I’m sorry,” you said, voice breaking.

He sighed.  “I told you. It’s okay.”

“But it’s not,” you cried. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I didn’t realize how easy it was to misread what we had because let’s face it, we don’t act like ‘just friends.’ I’m sorry because I was too blind to see how you felt even when you weren’t really trying to hide it. I’m sorry because even though I rejected you, I was so selfish that I still wanted to keep you for myself without realizing that you probably needed to be away from me to move on. I’m sorry because…” you swallowed.

Mark was just looking at you, eyebrows slightly raised in anticipation of what you were going to say next. You missed him. You missed that cute face of his. You missed being in his presence. You missed his voice and his laugh and how he loves teasing you even if he probably feels like shit inside. You missed everything. Four weeks have been too long without each other. Four weeks is too long without your best friend. Four weeks is too long without your home. And that’s when you realized…

“... I can’t let you go. And I might be too late, but I’m sorry that I only just realized why.”

“Why?” he asked. 

It was a simple question. Why? Yet it managed to carve out every single feeling you’ve ever felt for this boy. Every little moment he made you laugh. Every small heartbreak you get when he fails to keep his tiny promises. Every single night you ‘accidentally’ fell asleep next to each other. Every ounce of fulfillment you get when you finally convince him to sleep after a long day. Every goodnight. Every good morning. Everything.

“I love you,” you said. It sounded almost like an exhale.

For a moment, Mark didn’t reply. Your head immediately started swarming with unwelcomed thoughts. Maybe you were too late. You almost forgot about Mina who he seems to be having an excellent time with. Maybe he managed to move on within those four weeks. It’s possible, right? You had your chance and you missed it. 

Finally, Mark let out a laugh, his head falling down to look at the floor. “I told you you didn’t have to say it back,” he said, voice soft.

You shook your head. “I’m not saying it because you said it first,” you said. “I realize this might be the worst timing but I just thought you should know you weren’t the only one being stupid enough to fall for their best friend. I was just too dumb to realize that that’s what it was.”

“Why would it be the worst timing?” He frowned.

You felt like crying again. You really wish you had some alcohol in your system right now. Why is this whole confession thing taking so long? “‘Cause you’re dating Mina? Or trying to. I don’t know. I tried not keeping tabs on you because our friends are assholes who wouldn’t stop teasing me. She’s pretty, by the way. You two look good together.”

Mark laughed again. It was raw and real this time, and god, the way your chest tightened in endearment at the sound was so pure. “You thought me and Mina are dating?”

“Aren’t you? I’ve seen you guys together a lot.” Well, once. But you tend to overestimate things.

“No!” He snorted. “Jaemin and I are trying to get her and Jeno together. If anything, she made me realize that we definitely aren’t just friends.”

“Really?” Now you just feel stupid. But what else is new? It’s all you’ve been feeling lately. Come to think of it, Mark and Mina didn’t even come close to how you two act with each other.

“Really,” he said. “Friends don’t stay at each other’s place and cuddle with each other just to fall asleep, Y/N. Besides, I said I love you, didn’t I? Did you really think that’s just gonna go away that quickly?”

“Mark, I can’t even sort my feelings out. How am I supposed to figure out how yours work?” You sighed.

“Fine. Just to be clear, I still love you. Even if you don’t, I love you,” he said, taking both your hands and placing it on his shoulder before putting his on your waist.

“But I do.”

“Say it then.”

“I love you. Even if you’re the dorkiest person I know, I love you.” Your fingers tangled themselves in his hair. You’ve run your hands through his hair so many times before. You wondered why it never crossed your mind that you liked doing it not because his hair is soft but because you were sucker for the domestic feeling of it.

Mark couldn’t stop himself from smiling that he had to bury his face at the crook of your neck. “I’m not used to this, sorry.”

“Me neither,” you laughed.

When he finally composed himself, he pulled away just enough to look at you. All those times you’ve stood this close before does not even compare to how it’s like right now. This is the perfect mix of feeling new but familiar.

“You have no idea how many mornings I fought the urge to kiss you whenever we wake up next to each other,” he said in a soft voice.

“Well, nothing’s stopping you know, is there?” you muttered, eyes fluttering to his lips.

You pulled Mark down by the neck as he pulled you closer to him, your lips finally connecting. The idea of kissing him isn’t new to you. There were so many times before that you’ve found yourself inches away from his face and slamming your lips together wouldn’t have been such a bad idea. But this is the first you actually kissed him yet he felt so familiar that you were almost sure you’ve done this a million times before. His lips were soft against yours that it made you weak in the knees. If he weren’t holding onto you like he was, you probably would’ve crumpled already.

The two of you pulled away, breathless.

“Wow,” he breathed. “That didn’t even come close to how I imagined it would feel like.”

You laughed. “This whole night didn’t come close to how I imagined it would be like. I thought you were gonna keep on ignoring me. And honestly, I wouldn’t know how to cope anymore because I really, really miss you already. So thanks for saving me.”

“Stop making me blush. I don’t know how I can possibly love you more than this.”

You rolled your eyes but you couldn’t stop yourself from smiling. This was only one of the very few times that the reality went better than your expectations. But then again, maybe you and Mark have always been meant to happen. It was happening even before you realized it was. And now that you finally managed to sort how you both felt, there was no more wasting chances.

“Do I still have to ask you to be my girlfriend?” he asked.

“We’ve literally slept in the same bed so many times. I’d be more surprised if we’re not dating already,” you joked.

Mark grinned. “You’re literally the only one who didn’t realize that until today, but it’s okay, I still love you.”

You laughed. “Wanna go outside and pretend we didn’t make up? I’m 100% sure Jaemin betted on us.”

“I worry how your mind works sometimes, Y/N,” Mark said with a frown before kissing you on the forehead. “But let’s do it.”

You smiled. You’ve said it a lot but you really missed this proximity. You missed being able to hug him whenever you want, and now you can kiss him whenever you want too. You wanted to say you could get used to this, but the thing is… you already are.

[the-dc-killjoy]

4x12 - Old Souls

Wynonna Earp's over. I'll do pretty much anything to get another season, but shows (not that I think that this show could ever get to that point. id still love WE even if it turned into whatever Grey's Anatomy's doing rn) shouldn't overstay their welcome. If this is the end, than it was a damn fine ending!

-

The cute.

I've been watching Martina sing since I was 11 years old, and it still puts a smile on my face. Rachel was iconic as always, and I'm gonna miss the most recent addition to the Earp family. I can just imagine the chaos of her, her not really but kind of boyfriend, and Randy Nedley on a tiny boat in the middle of nowhere. Poor Nedley. Let's hope Chrissy remains the only one of his many daughter figures to catch mono.

Speaking of mononucleosis- that's such an awful transition that i'm keeping it, I believe that Wayhaught has officially christened the entire homestead. Bedroom, The Stairs, kitchen floor, barn- short of just going to pound town (i'm not getting any better with sex references tonight. am i) in a patch of grass outside, they've got everything covered. Or nothing covered if you know what i mean. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Am I getting better now?

-

The random.

Nedley walking Nicole down the isle, Wynonna walking Waverly down the isle, Doc being Waverly's best man, and Wynonna being Nicole's best friend (no she will not take a secondary title. best friend will go on her tombstone)- sigh, i'm so gay. i can't really explain what that has to do with these circumstances, but i am and this makes me happy. Rachel and Nedley (and Billy was there somewhere right?) being the only people in attendance made this the perfect pandemic wedding even though there wasn't actually a pandemic in Earp land. I was the living embodiment of the pleading face emoji when they panned over the chairs. Doll's chair hurt me. like deeply. like i'm still suffering. there aren't words. fuck, i miss him.

On a lighter note, Waverly said fuck (like eight times)!!! She technically said it already, but chainsmoking-angelic possession doesn't count, right?

I'm glad that Jeremy has this new thing with Damon, but I kinda wish things had worked out with him and Robin. He officiated a wedding, got promoted, and got a handsome date in one afternoon, so I can't be too sad about his adorable self.

Charlotte Sullivan, the jilted dress shop owner/witch, played one of the earliest (in my knowledge at least. this show was my brother's thing not mine) representation of a bi woman in Canadian media. I don't know too much about her Rookie Blue character, but if you can have tolerated the will-they-wont-they, end of the world romance of the main character's kinda mediocre relationships for a couple more seasons, I'm sure you'll find out! By the nature of Canada having 16.87 actors in total, I tend to see a lot of overlap, and I have to infodump about that somewhere. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The Earping callbacks! Wynonna's truck, her motorcycle, the bullet proof vest, Nedley and Nicole's father-daughter thing, Waverly never saying the f-word (and subverting that), i'm all in, even Rachel always being stuck with juice while the adults are drinking- perfect! We had a little bit of the usual supernatural insanity, but this episode was wall to wall fanservice, and it was perfectly in-character fanservice. That's the way to go! It didn't feel forced or awkward and the edited mailbox will make me tear up on rewatch

-

The relationship. (aka i wanna talk about wyndoc and had no outline when i started this thing)

The Wyndoc goodbye was beautiful. I'm not into the whole you need one person to complete you kinda thing, but the implication that it didn't have to be romantic (implying that Wynonna's person was Waverly) was great. I felt that the scene worked perfectly, and might have been fine leaving it there if there was another season clearly on the horizon. With the fact that this was the series finale (i sighed so hard typing that. my poor lungs), I'm glad that they got their own happy ending.

-

The analysis.

Nicole's and Wynonna's as individual characters mirror each other in so many ways, but I'm just gonna wax poetic about one: their relationship with the GRT. Wynonna was hurt by the town, badly. She grew up with a steady stream of shitty adults and a few who told her to shake the demons out of her head and embraced the tough love mantra. It made a lot of sense that she left as an adult. Waverly was most likely the only reason she didn't skip town before that.

Nicole had a negative integer of adult role models in her life, with the murdered aunt and uncle and the whatever-the-fuck her parents were trying to be. Sure, a little trip to the Ghost River Triangle left her with trauma that she spent a lifetime repressing, but what's a little surviving a massacre under the six year old girl bridge. Am I right?

In their early lives, these characters had nothing but negative experiences in the aptly named town of Purgatory. Wynonna was drawn back into town by Curtis' letter just in time for her 27th birthday, and Nedley applied for Nicole to start working as a cop. Neither of them directly chose to come back to the Ghost River Triangle, but both of them did have the final say.

Wynonna decided pretty early on that she was going to stay no matter what. She already abandoned her sister once. How could she do it again with all of these monsters lurking in the shadows. As time went on, her circle of people expanded, but Waverly has always been the person that fight through hell and high water for. Even when fighting wasn't necessary, when it hurt her much more than it helped anything, she did it anyways because it was the only thing she could do to protect her sister. Wynonna thought it was the only thing she could do at all. This entire season, she's been fighting a war with herself, and her leaving, Waverly telling her that it was okay to leave, was the first time that took a break, took a breath since she arrived in Purgatory on her 27th birthday. Her child and the man she loves are out in the world, but she will be back with them at her side. Maybe after a quick road trip, maybe after a few years, but she will be back.

Nicole spent a majority of season 1 and 2 feeling like an outsider. Season 3 came with the realization that these people were her family and the Ghost River Triangle was her home. Early season 4 kinda shat all over that, oops. The rest of this season has been her finding her footing again. Nicole was a wandering soul, but she voluntarily staked herself to the land, vowing to protect it and the people within its borders for the rest of her life without the ability to leave, and she doesn't regret it. Her wife, her family, her people are all in this one not-so-sleepy Canadian town.

Nicole found her place, after a lifetime of searching, and Wynonna left, temporarily, after a lifetime of feeling trapped. They might seem like opposites, but both women call the same place home.

-

Originally, I watched this show was to cope with the ending of Agents of SHIELD (which I kind of used to cope with the ending of Killjoys, which featured Emily Andras as a writer in season 1 and has near identical humor, found family, and a healthy serving of gay and wow this is turning into a bit of advertisement isn't it), but it wormed its way into my heart. I've never quite seen a show like this. Never seemed interested in a western, even a sci-fi western. Never saw the gay couple reach OTP status both in fandom and canon. I've never seen so many fan conventions dedicated to just one show. I usually stay for just one character (and Wynonna has become one of my all time favorite characters), but I find myself connecting with so many of the beautiful people being brought to life on my screen. Wynonna, Waverly, Nicole, Rachel, Dolls, Jeremy, Doc, Nedley and so many other hilarious and heartbreaking characters make this show, and every single human who played a part in this self-proclaimed shitshow deserves a round of applause and a swig of whiskey.

The end.

[brewing-mischief]

You know I'd really like to read a deh fanfiction where Connor and Evan run into each other really hard, get knocked unconscious by the force and then wake up in the hospital in each other's bodies.

The doctor's say they both have amnesia since they're all "who are you people" to their 'families' and cant seem to remember their names.

"What's your name"

"Evan...Hansen?

"Evan is fine, he came in with you and is talking to a doctor right now. What is YOUR name?"

"Ummm....?????"

The boys figure out they switched bodies but dont say anything to avoid looking more crazy to their families. I think itd be cool to read about how both of them get a little taste of what they need.

Connor gets to go to therapy (Dr.S is assuming that the amnesia is the reason Evan has gained a different personality. Thinking that since he has forgotten his trama his brain has built a new personality off of different core memories creating an Evan that is less full of anxiety? Idk I'm not a psychologist. Im thinking later Connor would slip up revelling to much of his actual life which leads Dr.S to believe that Evan has DID and that Connor is a new personality formed from the incident. He would think Connor's memories are actually a creation of a world Evan would have liked. His parents still being together-even though he knows it wouldn't work out in the long run which caused the 'dream' to go dark. Connor is like "I have no idea what you're talking about but if your chill with dealing with me I'm good" Dr.S continues to treat Connor as though 'Evan's fantasy' AKA Connor's real life is reality because he believes that this 'fantasy' is holding Evan dormant.) <- [This of course is just DR.S's psychological interpretation. Realty is that its just a bodyswap. However if you like that theory of Connor actually being a personality of Evan go right ahead a write that. I'm not stopping you]

Connor also gets to eat normal food like Pizza and tacos and anything that isnt some weird Vegan fat-free mess Cynthia makes

Connor gets he's space. Hes not constantly beaten down on by his parents for every step he takes. Heidi is incredibly chill. She's very worried about his well being but shes not invasive like his parents are who just want to tear him down. She continues to reiterate that she loves and supports him which allows Connor to slowly drop his walls.

With these supports in place Connor slowly begins to stop smoking/cutting (I have a feeling he may have also stopped at the begining because he respects the fact that this isnt his body and doesnt want to damage it but it is HARD) however most of his needs to cut/smoke are in his head. Which is awful because addiction is hard to quit. But he doesnt have to deal with physical withdrawal symptoms. (Headaches, nausea ect.) Which helps

Connor also stands up to Jared real quick so Jared learns to get his priorities straight or he finds himself left behind

Evan on the other hand has a whole family unit. He finally gets attention 24/7 which is great. Larry is a little harsh with him because hes Connor but it's less than usually since 'Connor' has no idea what hes talking about and doesnt give him a fight anymore. Cynthia is constantly hovering over him with scrapbooks to jog his memory. Zoe just tries to keep her distance but shes always in the background just staring at him trying to figure him out. The whole family is serriously just thrown off about how nice/figitty 'Connor' is. He's tripping over his words and apologizing as much as he breathes.

Evan does go through Connor's physical withdrawal because Evan is not about smoking. He suffers. The first day he keeps craving something but doesnt know what. He tells Cybthia who tries to help him match/satisfy it but nothing works. The next couple of dayd hes serriously sick/agitated. That's when Larry realised 'Connor' is going through withdrawls and is like "oh wow. Ok" and he starts being nicer. He is still somewhat stuck in the "what does it matter, Connor is going to go back to normal soon enough and it wont matter what he does right now" but Evan is being the perfect son so he cant really stay angry. He actually begins to bond with him again.

Evan just gets attention. He gets to sit down and have dinner and talk with people. He gets that family support hes been craving. He doesnt have to worry about being a financial burden because the Murphys are loaded

Evan would probably try to get close to Zoe but she pushes him away like nobody's business. Eventually she would cave and mabye do his nails or something but something about it feels off. Connor likes doing his nails and rn 'Connor ' seems to be very against the idea because "nail polish is for girls, what if people see it and think I'm a freak ect." So now shes even more suspicious about this whole amnesia thing. It wouldn't change her brother this much, would it?

Idk how Evan would think about everyone at school. Because they see him, they notice his existence but it's mostly out of fear and hatred. I feel like that would leave him a little bit panicked.

Anyway, after a week or two Connor goes over to his house to visit Evan and see how everything is being managed. Zoe sneaks a peek on them and notices something. Shes met Evan once or twice before so she didnt really make the connection until now when she can see them both. But 'Connor' is behaving like Evan, and 'Evan' is acting like Connor. Something is definitely off. She confronts them and without much of an argument to steer her off course they eventually give in and tell her what has been going on. She joins their team of figuring out what happened, how to go back and later in the story where the climax drama happens IF they should go back.

The IF drama is basically both parties know they have to go back but also dont want to....

It's just, Connor likes the freedom and trust Heidi gives him. He misses his sister but he also whitnessed his parents loving Evan more than they ever did to him. And that makes him furious because that means he was/will never be good enough for them. He takes this out on Evan since he knows Evan likes his family. He feels like Evan stole them from him even though he knows that's not true.

Evan wants his mom back. When he goes to visit 'Evan' hes a complete stranger to her and that hurts like hell. Plus He doesnt like being hated at school and furthermore he needs his therapy again. But the Murphy family is just so perfect. He has a father figure and a Mom whose always around and Zoe (who has become less of a crush through the experience and more a friend) and he doesnt have to listen to Jared being mean to him/claim they only hang out for car insurance. He has a strong support unit here and hes become more confident from the love they feed him.

So it's just this complicated mess of emotions.

I dont know how it would wrap up since they both have to go back but I think itd be really great to see these boys get better because their circumstances/situations switch. After all Tragedy is only a tragedy becuase the hero is in the wrong story. (I think I read that in a post talking about how Macbeth and Hamelt would have ended happily if only the two main characters were in each others stories since Macbeth would have killed the uncle real quick well Hamelt would have stopped to think instead of jumping in feet first. They made a good point and I want to apply that theory to this story)

Anyway those are my thoughts. Tag me if you write it

[lovelyparkers]

i’ll stay

summary: you're very sick again and end back up in the hospital and peter rushes over because you're his world. (me rn bc i want peter to come visit me)

warnings: being in the hospital, oxygen tubes, needles, angst, fluff, 1.6k words

you weren't sure how it happened. you were doing fine one night, then woke up the next feeling like you were dying. you could barely breathe and your heart was going nutty. you could barely walk out of your room to tell someone and get to the car to go to the ER. you were so dizzy you fell in the hallway. you couldn't see straight. why? who knows. it just...happened. the worst part about it all besides feeling like shit, there was no diagnosis.

so you were currently laying in a hospital bed on your usual floor with your usual nurses and your usual grey beanie that you stole from peter. it was the middle of the night and your parents had left to go sleep, but you didn't mind it, that's always how it went. you were used to the hospital and used to being with out your parents. they had jobs and other things to tend to.

you closed your eyes slowly, letting the oxygen from your nasal cannula flow through your nose, assisting your breathing. your heart monitor was constantly beeping and though you were used to the sound and it served as white noise, you wouldn't be sleeping tonight. you entertained yourself by clicking through the various tv channels yet finding nothing of interest, it all being news or infomercials. plus the noise and brightness of the tv got too much for your hearing and vision so you just turned it off after ten minutes. so you just sat in bed, staring at the dark walls since there was no light outside nor in your room, hospital lights were just too bright.

then your beloved nurse meg came in to give you your daily medicine. yes, daily medicine that you woke up for at 2 am every night to take. "how ya doing y/n?"

you sighed, "not so great meg, not so great."

"i know. can i get you anything?"

"mmm maybe some ice cream?"

meg crossed her arms and scoffed at you, "it's 2 am, really?"

"really."

"i'll see what i can scrounge up," she said leaving the room after you swallowed some pills.

after she left you realized you hadn't told peter you were back in. he was usually the first person you told. not that you wanted him to know everything, but he asked because he cared about you and wanted to make sure you were okay. so you figured you'd text him. regardless of the fact that it was 2 am, the boy never slept. he was up most nights, took naps in the day apparently. you don't know how he functioned. in spite of that, he thought the same about you.

and of course, after texting him, 'i'm in again,' he immediately replied 'on my way.' the text had saddened him, no doubt. it hurt him that you hurt and that you were sick.

it was useless to tell him not to come to the hospital because you knew he'd come nonetheless. it was not visiting hours but apparently peter knew the night guard at the front and could get in anyways. when he left late after visiting you, the guard, frank, was always there and peter often held conversations with him. and being on good terms meant he could probably get in at 2 am to come visit you. so, you just texted him your room number.

peter arrived anxiously 15 minutes later. he entered through the front of the hospital and came face to face with frank.

"hey frank!"

"peter! what on earth are you doing here at this hour?"

"visiting y/n."

"oh she back in?"

peter nodded, frantically tapping his fingers on the welcome desk and frank was already writing him a visitors tag, "i'll let it slide, just this one time."

"thank you so much frank! you're the best!" peter replied pointing at the man after securing the tag. peter practically bolted to the elevators.

"ay! no running peter!"

peter slowed down and put his hood up on his grey hoodie, trying to 'hide' from frank. he got to the elevators and hit the button of your usual floor. he tapped his foot all the way up the short ride before getting out and quietly walking into the hallway to find your room. the hospital was weird at night. almost eerie. there was an occasional doctor or nurse in the hallway but other than that it was dead silent and a bit dark. he sneaked his way past the nurses station to get to your room at the end of the hallway.

"peter?"

peter stopped dead in his tracks like he just broke the law. he turned around and saw meg standing in the hall.

"hi meg," he said smiling with his puppy dog eyes, " 'm here to see y/n."

"i figured...you do know it's almost 3 in the morning though right?"

"right."

"which means it is not visiting hours."

"uh huh."

"so you should not be here."

"yeah but i just thought i'd swing by," peter gulped, "i was in the neighborhood?"

"i know you're not telling me you were walking around new york city at 3 am."

"well...ok i wasn't but y/n texted me and i'm really worried about her and i just thought—"

meg waved him off with a yawn and turned back to the nurses station, "whatever, you two better be quiet."

"yes ma'am," peter replied turning back down the hall to find your room. it was all the way at the end and he walked in to find you struggling with an ice cream sandwich wrapper.

"hey y/n/n!"

your eyes lit up at hearing your nickname. "peter oh my god i can't believe you actually came and got up here." the two of you started laughing as quiet as possible while peter shuffled over to your bed, kicking off his shoes and jumping in next to you.

" 'course i came!"

you smiled at him, you loved him so, so much. you held the ice cream sandwich up to him that meg had brought you. "mind opening this? i'm too wirey today," you said gesturing you the iv tubes and oxygen tubes.

"yes i will, if you give me half."

"deal."

peter easily unwrapped the sandwich and as you attempted to grab it from his hands his took a bite.

"mmm, wow y/n/n, this is great."

"hey! give that back!" you grabbed it back from him and took a bite of your own, sharing the ice cream sandwich. "this is good."

the two of you laid in bed together, finishing off the ice cream and talking. peter didn't ask you once 'what happened?' or 'what's wrong?' and that's what you loved about him. you've been asked those questions too many times to count and it gets frustrating telling the same story over and over again. he knew how to handle it. and he was there to make sure you were safe and happy, not to bombard you with questions. he only talked about it if you wanted to talk about it, he respected it because he knew he would never know what it was like.

you brought a hand over his body to squeeze him tight in a hug. "thank you for coming. it made me really happy."

"no problem," he hugged you back, lightly stroking your side to comfort you, something he knew you loved.

"i see you still have my beanie." (go read my other hospital imagines 'sickly lovely cuddles' and 'hospital prom' if u don't understand the beanie thing heheh)

"of course i do, what would i do with out it. it's like you're always here with me."

"good. you keep it."

"duh, i'm never giving it back."

he laughed at you and smiled and you just smirked and pulled his hoodie strings, tightening the hood around his cute little face.

"hey!" he yelled all muffled, "not nice."

you laughed now as he pulled his hood down. it was moments like these you cherished, when you almost forgot that you were even sick at all. sure you still felt like absolute shit but peter made you feel happier and more alive than ever. he truly cared about you.

there was an awkward moment of silence between you two, something that never happened before, as you sat there in bed cuddling. but you quickly sat up, feeling hot all of a sudden. "uh, it's getting late pete, you don't have to stay here all night. may is probably worrying."

peter sat up as well, mirroring your body and blushing, "oh may knows, it's fine...i'll stay."

you debated in your head for a second, feeling something new in your body, and it wasn't illness. and you just shook your head as a way to say 'okay.' you laid back down to get comfortable, heart rate slightly rising as he joined you again.

"can we just go to sleep?" you asked quietly.

"yeah, yeah sure."

you closed your eyes as you melted into his body, "thanks again, for staying."

"you don't have to thank me, i've got you."

he held you that night, falling asleep in the twin sized bed together and luckily the nurses didn't kick him out. and that night as he closed his eyes with you, he realized he loved you.

[bazypitchandsimonsnow]

I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor

Rating: M

Genre: Fluff

Word Count: 4964

Summary: Simon is on a blind date, but there’s this guy who keeps catching his attention. Based on “I’m going to save you from this bad date” request from @krisrix and “I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor” by Arctic Monkeys.

Read on AO3

AN: Hello, I am back after a reluctant prolonged absence. My health has been in the shitter. Bad headaches, little sleep, and low energy all suck. This is M rated to be safe but there isn’t really anything explicit, just implied sex and a lot of horniness lol. Hopefully you all like it :D (Edit for Tumblr: something fucked up and deleted the read more break. I'm on my phone rn but I'll fix it when I get home. Sorry!)

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Simon

“This is a terrible idea,” I say again.

“It is not,” Penny replies, plucking lint off my shirt. “My friend says she’s really sweet and you two might get along.”

“And that matters because…?”

“Because you can’t stay cooped up at home. Time for you to go out and meet the world.” I blow air between my lips. “Don’t do your horse impression in front of her.”

I narrow my eyes. “Is setting me up on a blind date a way to vicariously fix your romantic life by fixing mine?”

“No, Mr. I Took One Psych Course.” I keep glaring at her. Penny’s shoulders fall slightly. “Okay, maybe. But I also think you two might be a good fit. So at least give it a shot, alright?”

I sigh heavily, shoving my hands in my pockets. “One drink.”

She grins brightly. “Awesome. I’ll be waiting back at the flat. Don’t stay too late.”

“I won’t. Bye, Pen.” 

“Bye, Si.” She presses a kiss to my cheek then walks off smiling. 

The second she’s out of sight, I slump forward with a groan. I don’t think she heard the resignation in my voice. Honestly, I really don’t want to do this. But I’m doing this for Penny, because she’s sad and I love her.

Ever since Micah broke up with her (arsehole), Penny has put the excess energy she used to waste on him into other things, including me. Guess if she can’t have a partner, she wants me to have one. Sure, I wouldn’t mind being with someone, it just hasn’t been a priority between uni and my mental health. Both are still not really great. I should be studying or something, but Pen says one night away won’t kill my GPA. She’s rarely ever wrong, hope she isn’t now. Hope this isn’t a total disaster…

I walk up to the nightclub door. It’s neon purple with a burly man at the entrance. I gulp down the lump in my throat. God, why am I so nervous? It’s just a date. This won’t kill me. I can do this. I won’t burst into flames no matter how much it feels like I will any fucking moment.

The burly man looks at me, the weirdo just standing six feet away from the door. “You going in or what, kid?”

I nod furiously. “Yeah, yeah, I am.”

He holds out his hand. “Fifteen pounds, please.”

My eyes bug out. I expect him to start laughing, but he stays stone faced. “Fifteen bloody quid?! Are you kidding me?!”

“Nope. Pay up or leave.”

I growl and pull out my wallet. I slap the bills in his hand. “Fucking rip off.”

“I don’t make the rules, mate.” He puts the money in his back pocket and lifts the black velvet rope. “Welcome to Club Violet.”

“Thanks,” I grumble. Fifteen fucking quid. What am I, the Queen?

Club Violet absolutely lives up to its name. The whole place is different shades of glowing purple. It’s like if Queen Victoria opened a royal dance club. People shake and jump in a huge sweaty clump on the main dance floor while techno pop blares around us. It’s actually a pretty good song. Wish it wasn’t so loud though. There’s metal stairs with a chrome railing leading to the upper level. I check my texts again. Okay, so she’ll be at the upper bar, wearing a shiny pink dress. Cool, cool, I can find her.

I push through some giggling dancers and a couple snogging against the wall to get to the stairs. The top level is less crowded, mostly just people talking with their heads very close together. They’re smiling, giggling, kissing. They look happy. My heart aches a bit. Huh, I actually miss that, more than I thought than I did. This might not be such a bad idea.

The bar is nestled at the back of the floor. Bartenders in posh black shirts and vests shake those silver shakers I’ve seen in Bond movies. And at the front of the bar, stirring a margarita is a blonde woman in a bright pink, sparkly dress. Okay, deep breath, you can do this.

I walk towards her, head held high. I stand next to her. She has a pretty face and golden brown eyes. Let’s hope this goes well.

“Uh, hi,” I say with only a little nervous hitch. “Agatha, right?”

She turns her head. Her mouth pulls up slightly. Not a smile, but almost, I guess. “Yeah. And you’re Simon?”

“Yeah, that’s me.”

We stand in awkward silence for awhile. My body and mouth feel utterly paralyzed with unsureness. She seems just as confused. Guess it’s been a very long time for both of us. I stumble forward onto a cushy violet stool.

“You wanna drink?” I ask.

Agatha holds up her barely empty margarita. “I think I’ll finish this one first, thank you.”

My cheeks heat up. I hope they’re not visible under the lowlight. “Uh, y-yeah, makes sense. I guess I’ll get one just for me then…” 

I wave at the bartender. They walk over with an extremely fake customer service smile. “How may I help you?”

“Can I get a…um…” I look at the drinks menu. It’s filled with weird punny names with liquors I don’t know. It makes my head hurt. I slap the menu down on the counter. “Pint of Guinness, please?”

“Sure, coming up,” they say and walk off. 

I turn to Agatha with a sheepish smile. “I like to keep things simple.”

“I can see that.” She takes a sip of her margarita. Her lipstick is a nice shade of soft pink. She has good taste in makeup at least.

“So, um, Pen mentioned you were in third year at University of London. What program are you doing?”

“Veterinary medicine at the royal college.”

“Oh wow, that’s cool. You wanna be a vet?”

She nods, swirling the drink in her hand. A small smile plays on her mouth for the first time. “Yeah. I hope to take care of horses.”

A small shiver runs down my spine. “Wow, um…sounds interesting.”

Her head tilts to the side in confusion. “Something wrong?”

“No, no. It sounds amazing. I just don’t have a good history with horses.” Her eyebrows pull together. “A police horse nearly trampled me when I was seven. Been a bit jittery around them ever since.”

Agatha nods thoughtfully. “Hm, I see. You probably did something to provoke the horse though, they don’t hurt people for no reason.”

My cheeks heat up, but from embarrassment unfortunately. “Oh…you’d know better than me I guess…”

Agatha takes a long sip of her drink in lieu of words. My pint of Guinness arrives on time. I take two big gulps, reveling in the distracting burn. I try to look literally anywhere else. There’s a neon purple flower on the wall. I see three people dancing together, smiling and laughing. I’m not usually a fan of dancing but they look like they’re having fun. I spot on a presumed couple sipping on the same fancy cocktail together. My eyes flick to Agatha. She’s staring straight ahead, totally uninterested in me. So y gaze keeps drifting, until it meets someone else’s. And I nearly choke on my beer.

Holy fucking shit, he’s staring at me. A gorgeous guy with reddish-gold skin, wavy black hair, and piercing grey eyes is looking right at me with a devilish smirk on his lips. He’s wearing  very fitting black skinny jeans and a short sleeved dark shirt. Well, technically he’s wearing a shirt, but it’s unbuttoned all the way to his navel so I don’t know if it counts. His beautiful eyes wander over me again and again, smirk slowly growing. Why is he staring at me? What the hell makes me so interesting? Is it getting hotter in here?

“Simon?”

I snapped back to reality from the deep sea grey induced daze. “What?”

Agatha’s brow is all pulled together. I can’t tell if it’s out of confusion or concern. “Are you alright?”

“Uh, yeah, I-I’m fine.” I take another drink of my beer. “So, what else do you like?”

Agatha shrugs and goes back to looking at her drink. “I play lacrosse.”

“Yeah? Is that fun?”

“It is, until someone shoves you to the ground.”

I let out a small laugh. Agatha does the same, but quickly goes back to stirring her drink with a neutral expression. “What do you do? For fun, that is.”

“Um, some stuff…” I scratch my chin. This is harder than I thought. “I like gaming, fencing, baking, watching Dr. Who. That’s pretty much it.”

“Baking sounds fun.”

“Yeah it is!” I turn towards her with the brightest grin. “I’m learning this new technique for making scones. It makes a much lighter pastry, but it’s hard to get the same flavour, y’know? I’m trying to figure out how to compensate for that. I’ve been trying fresh ingredients, pure oils, lots of stuff. But really-”

I stop when I realise Agatha is looking at me with utter confusion. Right, not everyone understands baking science, or wants to know. I turn away from her and drink down the rest of my beer. It won’t help though. First year uni gave me quite a tolerance. I stare at the empty glass, swishing around the last bits of foam.

“So, how’s school going?” That’s a safe question, right?

“Oh it’s going fine.” Agatha replies. “There’s actually this one class I’m taking.”

She starts talking about her animal biology class. I try to listen, I really do, but my attention span is notoriously short. My eyes drift, and soon fall on raven hair.

The man isn’t staring at me anymore. He’s looking off to the side. I tilt my head slightly to the side. He’s talking to someone, a red haired man with a sly smile. They’re giggling and whispering together. My stomach feels weird. Must’ve had something bad for lunch. My eyes drag over him more carefully this time. He’s quite thin. Wait, no, not thin, lean. There’s strong muscles in his calves and upper arms, and his stomach looks very tight. I wonder how he got those. Football maybe? I could see that. Him running across the field at lightspeed, stealing the ball easily with his strong legs, flying across the field with ruthless grace. Part of me just really wants to see how he moves.

My eyes move back, only to meet Gorgeous Guy’s. Oh fuck, he’s looking right at me again. I can feel myself blush as I go rigid. His mouth pulls into that smirk again. It fits too perfectly on his sharp face, like he was designed to look so cocky and beautiful at the same time. My face feels so fucking hot right now. Damn clubs, no air conditioning.

“And that’s why you have to be very careful when treating young horses.” I refocus back on Agatha’s voice. She’s looking at me, gesturing with one and stirring the margarita with the other. I nod thoughtfully like I’m not an arsehole and I’ve been paying attention this whole time.

“That’s really cool, yeah,” I say. “You’re really into this stuff.”

“Of course, it’s my future career.”

My cheeks go redder. Between Agatha and Gorgeous Guy, I’m pretty much a tomato by now. “R-Right, course.”

We stare at each other. The awkwardness is so thick you could slice it in half. God, why am I so much worse at this than normal? My normal is pretty shit so that’s a real feat. There’s no flow or spark. I don’t think this is working at all. But I don’t know how to leave without being a total dickhead. What could I even say?  “Sorry but I don’t find you interesting enough to keep talking to you, I have to go.” ’ Instead I’m silent as a statue and more awkward than a fourteen year old at a school dance.

Agatha is drinking down the last of her margherita. I look pointedly away from her. And my eyes happen drift back to the guy. He’s still with the ginger bloke. It’s hard to tell if they’re talking or dancing. Maybe it’s both. Gorgeous Guy’s thin lips are moving slowly. His hips are swaying slightly, the curves of his body showing well through the tight jeans. I’m  fixated by the way he moves. It’s seamless and graceful yet so strong. He looks good dancing, even just a little. I wonder how he’d look if he was truly moving to the beat, swaying his lean body with purpose. He’s not looking at me this time. I kinda wish he would, honestly.

“I’m going to the toilet,” Agatha announces. She’s out of her seat and walking away before I can get a word out. Alright then.

I look at my glass, rolling the remaining foam back and forth. My mind is being way too chaotic for me to think straight, so I’m trying not to think at all. I just watch the white bubbles, back and forth, back and forth, just like that guy’s hips. I wonder-

“Hello,” a smooth voice says to my right. “How are you?”

I turn my head and nearly choke on my own tongue. It’s him. Gorgeous Guy. He’s standing right there, leaning against the bar with his hip cocked out, looking at me with that smirk and dazzling eyes. And I’m completely frozen.

“H-Hi,” I finally get out. “I’m, uh, fine. H-How are you?”

“I’m alright. May I ask you something?”

“Um, sure.”

“Are you on a date with the woman who just left?”

I scratch at my wrist, looking to the side in the vain hope he doesn’t see my blush. “Uh, sort of, I guess.”

The guy raises an eyebrow without moving any other part of his face. It’s very impressive. “Usually that’s a yes or no question.”

“Yeah, I know,” I chuckle awkwardly. “We’re supposed to be on a blind date, but I don’t think it’s going well.”

“Hm, yes, I assumed that when you kept staring at me over her shoulder.”

As if I wasn’t a tomato face before. I think my flush has reached the bottom of my neck. My mouth opens and closes like a stranded fish. His smirk only becomes more smug, and I find it so annoyingly attractive.

“I’m sorry,” I blurt out. “I’m sorry, that was rude a-and objectifying and I-”

“Did I say I disliked it? Remember, I made eyes at you first.” All the blood in my body rushes straight to my face. Gorgeous Guy leans closer. His long fingertips are nearly touching mine. “My name is Baz. What’s yours?”

“Simon.”

“Simon,” he echoes in his much,  much  sexier voice. “That’s a very pretty name.”

“T-Thanks. Your name is nice too.”

“Thank you.” Baz’s head tilts further to the side, showing off his long, graceful neck. “So, if your date is not going well, would you mind if I wanted to whisk you away from here?”

My eyes go wide and my heart starts beating double time. I’m not sure if it’s from the fear or the thrill of the idea. Do I really want that? When I look at Baz, all of him, I do. But could I do that to Agatha? Just because I’m not attracted to her doesn’t mean I should ditch her.

“Um, I-I do,” I say, “but I gotta go do something first. Wait here, please? I promise I’ll be back in a minute.”

Baz blinks rapidly. He looks like a very confused deer in the headlights.“Alright…”

With only a little fear, I reach forward and put my hand over his. He inhales sharply, and I swear, even in the lowlight, I see a blush on his face. “I just need to tell her I’m cutting the date short. I don’t wanna be a total arsehole. One minute and I’m all yours, I promise.”

That smirk comes back, but there’s something softer in his eyes. Less dagger like, more a pretty cloud on an overcast day. “Alright. One minute, I’ll hold you to that.”

I grin brightly. “Awesome.”

I squeeze his hand, and surprisingly, he squeezes back. I take one last look at him before dashing off like a madman.

I’m very lucky that in a dark club like this, the toilet signs have to be very bright to see. The woman’s toilet is on the far left of the upper deck. Not too far, but there’s a crowd of people between me and my destination. I push through the other night club goers, some wobbling, most swearing at me. Unfortunately I can’t explain to them that I need to tell my blind date that our date has to end so I can go hang out with an incredibly handsome man who for some reason is attracted to me. I’m not sure I could explain this to anyone and sound sane. I don’t care. Baz is waiting for me back at the bar. I’ll push through every one of these people to get back to him.

When I reach the toilet, I immediately spot a pink dress near the wall. Agatha is bent over her phone, blue light illuminating her pensive face. She’s typing really fast. I speed walk like a bloody madman.

“Agatha!” I call out. Her head snaps up.

“Oh, Simon,” she says, sounding far more shocked than I thought she would be.

“Hey, hey, sorry for barging up. Just, uh, we need to talk.”

“Okay…”

I scratch the back of my neck like some awkward teenager. “Um, look, I’m sorry I’m being an arsehole. You’re nice and very pretty, but I don’t think this date is working out. We’re just not…clicking, I guess. Which sucks but it’s alright. I-I just hope we can still be friends…”

Agatha blinks a few times at me. I wait for her to storm off or yell or something. Instead, she just smiles softly and nods. “Alright, yeah. I agree. I don’t think we’re a good fit as a couple.”

All of the tension drains from my body. “Really?”

“Yeah, really. I think you’re nice too, but it’s not going to work out. Maybe friends could better.”

“Yeah, yeah definitely. Wanna get coffee sometime? As friends?”

“I’d like that.” Her phone buzzes. She looks down and sighs. “I have to go. My friend Minty is here to pick me up.”

“Oh, okay.” The gears start turning in my head, and my eyebrows pull together. “Wait, were you just going to leave?”

Agatha looks down, probably to hide the embarrassed expression on her face. “Honestly, yeah. I didn’t want to make things awkward. I’m not good at saying goodbye to people…”

I’ll admit, it hurts a bit. But I also get it. I hated saying anything as a kid, especially something awkward. And I don’t think it’s my place to berate her right now. I nod slowly. “Alright. Well, hope you have a good rest of your night.”

“You too.” She goes towards the stairs. One step down though, she looks over her shoulder with a little smile on her lips. “Have fun with that bloke. He looks cute.”

Before I can answer, she’s off down the staircase. My face is going to get stuck blushing this much. After only a moment of shock though, I dash back in the direction of the bar. I’ve never been more nervous than I have been speed walking back there. But when I see Baz, with his hips against the bar, fiddling with his phone, I sigh in utter relief.

I take a deep breath, trying to hide just how out of breath and eager I am. Be cool, Simon, be cool. I walk towards with what I hope is a badass swaggering walk. Bloody hell, I hope I don’t look stupid. I really hope I don’t fuck this up.

“Hey,” I say, “I’m back.”

Baz’s head snaps up. I like the way his hair falls in a lazy wave, like a waterfall made from raven wings. (That poetry book Penny got me for Christmas has really expanded my metaphors, wow.) That softer, nicer smirk comes back. I love it more than the arrogant one, actually.

“One minute and thirty eight seconds,” he replies in a playful tone. “You’re late.”

I chuckle and rub my neck. “Sorry. There’s a lot of people here.”

“I’m aware. I’ve been looking through them all night.” His fingertips touch mine, sending jolts up my entire arm. “Until you caught my eye like no else did.”

“Really?” My heart rate is going nuts. It’s not arrogant, well, not totally. Everyone’s a little vain, after all.

“Mhm.” His hand moves slowly up my arm, stopping just above my wrist. “Blue eyes, bronze curls, tawny skin with constellations of freckles and moles. You were like the sun in this dark nightclub. How could I not be entranced?”

“O-oh.” All words have fled my tongue. Baz’s sweet voice and words have melted my brain into pure mush.

Baz’s hand moves further. His thumb traces tiny, wonderful circles on my upper forearm. He’s got these slight calluses that I can’t get enough of. “You have no idea how much I wanted to come up and talk to you right away.”

I pout slightly. “Why didn’t you?”

He chuckles and shakes his head. I like the way his hair moves. “Because you were  with someone, Simon. I didn’t notice her until after you started talking to her again. I wasn’t going to be that arse who stole someone’s date.”

“And yet you offered to whisk me away a few minutes ago.”

“Well,” he sighs, tracing patterns lazily on the inside of my elbow, “I tried to ignore you, I really did, but my eyes kept drifting to you. I didn’t think your date was going well but I still wasn’t going to intrude. I distracted myself instead.”

I frown deeply. “That redhead bloke.”

“Yes, Lamb. He approached me but I welcomed him.” His face becomes sly and devilish. The expression is eerily, like his face was made for scheming. “Were you jealous?”

I gulp down a large lump in my throat, unintentionally biting down on my bottom lip. From the way Baz watches my mouth I think he likes it quite a bit. “Maybe a little…”

“Mm, good to know.” Baz tilts his head, showing off that damn neck again. Is he doing that on purpose? “I’ll admit I was jealous. I desperately wished to be in your date’s place. When I glanced over a few times, I saw things may not have been going well. So when she left…”

“You jumped at the chance?”

“Precisely.”

I grin ear to ear. It’s strange to think I’d be so wanted by someone that they’d wait to talk to me, but I don’t  dislike it. Especially when they’re as pretty as Baz. I move forward this time, touching his forearm. His hands may be rough, but the rest of his skin is impossibly soft.

“I’m glad you did,” I say quietly. “I’m glad I got to meet you.”

Baz smiles too. It’s not arrogant, but genuinely happy and bright. “Me too. I thought you were gorgeous, but now I also know that you’re the kind of guy to make sure he says goodbye to his blind date, even when it didn’t work out. Who knew the gorgeous man would turn out to be kind too?”

Once  again, I am lost for words. I mean, what do you say to that? Glad you noticed? Arrogant. You too? Weird. Thank you? I guess, still feels awkward. It seems me gaping mouth is good enough for Baz, because he’s still smiling. He brings up his other hand and traces his rough thumb on my chin, just under my bottom lip. Dear Lord, I really want him to move it a little bit up.

“So I’m wondering,” he drawls, “if you would be so kind as to do something for me.”

“What?” I almost say  “anything,” but that’s just a little too desperate.

“Would you please follow me downstairs? Because ever since I saw you, I’ve thought about how lovely you would look on the dance floor.”

Is my brain dribbling out my ears? Because it bloody well feels like it. Baz’s skin may be cold but he’s burning me to a crisp. And I really don’t mind. 

“I-I can’t dance,” I whisper. I want him to know what a mess he’s getting into when he’s with me.

“No matter.” His thumb actually touches my lip. A harsh, beautiful shudder moves through my spine. “I bet you’ll still look gorgeous.” He tugs on my wrist with his other hand. “Shall we?”

All I can do is nod. Baz grins devilishly. He slowly weaves our fingers together one by one. Every touch threatens to make me burst into flames. “Then let’s go.”

Baz pulls me forward, and I happily trail behind him. We zig zag through all the sweaty people and soar down the spiral stairs. There’s some sort of techno remix of an eighties song. The singer keeps singing about a girl named Rio. (Weird name, but I don’t think I can talk much considering my last name is Snow.) Baz pulls us deep into the throng of dancing people. He finds us a small space in the middle of all of it. At first I think it’s too small, but when Baz presses almost his entire body against me, I quickly get the point. He puts his arms around my waist. I’m completely frozen.

“I still don’t know how to dance,” I shout in his ear.

Baz leans forward. His hot breath caresses my skin. “Put your arms on my shoulders, then follow me. It’s really easy. You just have to sway.”

I gulp and nod. I place my hands on his shoulders. They’re a bit boney but very nice. Baz slowly starts moving side to side. His hips move absolutely beautifully. He has perfect rhythm. He slowly sways to the thumping bass of the song while holding onto me tight, pressing us together so close. I can feel every part of him against every part of me. My eyes are glued to my hands on his shoulders. I’m pretty sure my entire fucking body is blushing now.

“You can move too,” Baz says. “Just follow me.”

I nod, even though I’m still unsure. I look down at his hips (holy fuck he’s hot) and try to copy him. Slowly, I move side to side, following him as best I can. I’m not as smooth and graceful as him of course. Baz helps, silently guiding me with his hands. We start moving in near perfect sync. And it feels absolutely amazing. Holy shit, is this grinding? I’ve never done it before, so if this is it, it’s bloody great.

My chest feels tight and breath is short, but in a good way. The fear and nerves are fading bit by bit. Slowly, I finally look away from my hand. I look at Baz’s face, and god, why haven’t I been looking at him the whole time? He looks even more gorgeous. The strobe lights perfectly illuminate the deep angles of his face. His hair falls in his face in a beautiful lazy wave. His eyes are absolutely dazzling, and they��re completely focused on me. He looks so good, somehow even better than before. My gaze flicks down to Baz’s lips. They’re hanging slightly open. The violet lights catch on them again and again. I can’t stop looking, and I don’t really want to.

I look up again, meeting Baz’s beautiful eyes. He’s looking down as well at  my mouth. God, I want him to be thinking the same thing I am. My arms quickly wrap around his neck, fingers pressing into his soft skin. Baz inhales sharply. For a second I worry he’s going to shove me away. But instead, I feel him pull my waist even closer, fingers digging into my back through my t-shirt. Our faces are inches apart, moving closer without us even realising it. My nose touches his, just barely. We’re breathing the same air. Maybe, just maybe…. Oh, fuck it.

I lean forward and press my mouth to Baz’s.

It takes less than a second for Baz to kiss me back. There’s zero pretense or nervousness. We move our lips fervently, mutual desire completely obvious. Baz sticks his tongue down my throat at the same time I tug harshly on his hair. Thank god the music is too loud for anyone to hear our groans. He bites down on my bottom lip and I feel like I’m fucking melting and exploding and dying. I kiss him like it’s a fight, and he doesn’t give an inch. We match so well. It’s perfect.  He’s perfect. God, I’m drowning in him, but I don’t want to come up for air.

Baz eventually, sadly, pulls away. He keeps his face close to mine. I study all the different colours in his eyes. I could do that forever.

“Want to get out of here?” he says. “I think I’d like to see you somewhere other than the dance floor now.”

I nod immediately. “Yeah, definitely, let’s go.”

Baz grins. It’s a mix between devilish charm and genuine giddy excitement. He grabs my hand, then we push through the throngs of people even faster than before. I can’t stop grinning for even a second.

We hop in a cab heading towards Canary Wharf. Baz takes me up to his flat, pins me down on his king sized bed, and proves once again that he is incredible with his hips. 

All in all, a fantastic night.

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AN: Needless to say, a spring in Baz’s mattress breaks. Hope you liked it! Simon was a bit of an ass, yeah, but imo so is Agatha. In my mind they meet up later and talk properly without pressure to date awkwardness and they become really good friends. In the end they’re both happy. I liked writing this because I love the prompt and I love the song. Arctic Monkeys fucking rule. Hopefully my next fic will be out soon. Have a good day!

[haiykuties-imagines-blog]

Hello! I hope you have had a good day so far ((: I stumbled upon your blog and couldn't help but want to ask a request (: May I have Sugawara x F!Reader where she is starting to lose wet however other people keep thinking it's to fit in when in reality she's just trying to get healthy and he defends her and just is being really supportive although he worry's a lot? Thanks! I'm going through that rn so if you write it thank you! If not I understand 💙💛

Hi, I’ve had a great day thanks and hope you’re ok too!

I honestly related to this subject in such a sensitive way and I totally get what you’re feeling like right now. It’s amazing that you want to be healthy and don’t let anyone make you think bad about it and that you’re just ‘trying to fit in’. I actually lost a friend over an argument regarding my weight loss and got accused of being anorexic just to be as skinny as another friend of mine, it was awful at the time but after a while I had become so much more confident with myself and I don’t regret it. (We’ve made up now after she realised my true goal and that it wasn’t an excuse btw)

Either way please remember that you’re gorgeous no matter what and if you want to do anything in order to be healthy than do it!! Be the best you can be and never let anyone stop you 💖 I’m also very very very sorry for my sap story lol

Please enjoy, let me know if there are any issues ❤️

Sugawara Koushi X Reader | Word Count: 1,045

Today was the day, the day of your first morning run! You had woken up an hour earlier than usual thrown on some quick sports gear and set off. The end goal was to build up your stamina and help you feel better about yourself, your boyfriend Suga was always eating right and playing volleyball and you honestly couldn’t keep up! You wanted that to change, you’d heard that a healthy mind is a happy mind and all that crap but you wanted to test it for real, being healthy in the end has so many benefits either way.

The first few goes at running ended up quite badly, you got out of breath quick and felt silly but after a long talk with Suga and a lot of praise from him you felt like you could do it.

He was so supportive in your healthy idea and believed it was inspiring really, not many teens can really be bothered with exercise unless they want to loose weight, but for you to want to do it for body helping is amazing! He had no qualms currently, if you were to become excessive and borderline being sick he would be sure to put a stop to it. As of now it wasn’t a bother even if the lingering thought of you taking it too far did concern him slightly, it wasn’t worth a mention as it would put you down. He also trusted you to know when it’s gone far enough.

Months had past since you started now and everything was great, you felt healthier, achieved things you didn’t think you could and also loved the bonus weight loss! Never had you appreciated yourself so much and in all honestly this is the most confident you’ve ever felt. Suga was so proud of you as well, he’d always believed you to be perfect but now you’re happy and proud of yourself it felt like having a new and improved y/n, he loved seeing you happy. The way you had now started trying on new clothes and even how you walked with a new aura was womderful, he could bask in your glory ages.

The worry of you taking it too had slipped his mind completely in all honesty, if it wasn’t for the boys bringing it up. They often chatted about most things and your exercise came up often, most the time it wasn’t in a bad way- more of a ‘wow look at her go’ chat, but over the last few weeks it had become more of a concern about how far you’ve gone. Some speculated on was just to fit in which would then be heavily defended by Suga it hurt that they would think that of you, other times it was pure worry of a sickness which Suga would then confirm that you had been eating and it couldn’t be anything of such.

Suga had no issue defending you, apart of him did wish the boys would confromt you about it themselves though, once they spoke to you properly they would 100% understand why you did it. Not only that but when they did mention it, it began to form more clouds of worry and paranoia over the situation that isn’t needed at all; you were fine and he knew it.

You had just finished your evening trek and arrived at Karasuno, ready to meet Suga and go home, you took one last look at the orange sunset before swinging open the gym door to the sound of squeaky floors and ricocheting balls.

Flashing everyone a smile you took your seat as you await practice to end, you noticed small whispers darting here and there, followed by your boyfriend trying tk dismiss it all with a cocked eyebrow and stressed face. You tried hard to ignore it, keeping up with the friendly chat between Kiyoko and Yachi.

“How’s all the running going y/n?” Kiyoko had asked, a faint smile on her lips.

“Great! I’ve managed to finally reach a full 2 hour run and i feel better than ever honestly” you practically beamed back, but it faded soon as Kiyoko then replied with a slight hum, telling you to not overwork yourself anymore.

You knew how she meant it, Kiyoko didn’t have a bad bone in her body however you wished more people believed it wasn’t out of pure insecurity and being like everyone else- it was just to feel better and give yourself some TLC.

Practice soon came to a close and you began walking home hand in hand with Suga, it was quiet but no uncomfortable, yet he sensed something was up with you.

“Tell me whats happened then y/n?”, Suga sheepishly laughed im hopes to not create too much tension.

“Well everyone just seems to be doubting me, I’m not anywhere near being sick! I just want them to trust me and believe that this was just a change for the better” you practically wept, it did hurt because it wasn’t just concern from the team, it seemed to spread to other friends too, causing you to actually feel embarrassed by what you’ve done.

“Don’t worry y/n, I’ve explained what you’re doing and told them how proud I am of you and how happy you are now! We just don’t want you taking it to the point that you do get sick, I trust you so much. You know your own limits and you’ve told me them, so maybe just telling everyone else ‘your story’ ,theoretically, might benefit in ways that they begin to trust what you’re doing as well!”

Suga was honestly therapeutic, his advice always made sense and his support made you feel loved unconditionally everyday. You knew exactly what he meant and agreed on giving a more detailed explanation tomorrow in hopes of dying down the concern. You were both certain it would, it was time to start letting people know more about the better you.

“Thank you, Suga, you really do help me out a lot”

“That’s my job as a boyfriend y/n, now I bet you can’t beat me home!”, he had began sprinting, grin gracing his face making him look as handsome as ever.

He’d never admit it, but you did win that race.

[chimtaesty]

required help

pairing: bts ot7 x reader | 3.1k words.

warnings: death, blood

plot: werewolves and vampires have their destined territory since they haven't gotten along very well the last centuries. Trespassing can lead to problems or an invite to take down some dickheads who interfered with you a long time ago.

A/N: Hi there, I'm so stressed rn. I have this big Italian exam in two days and I don't feel ready. Thank you for all the sweet responses on my recent works and the requests and stuff! I promise to get to it as soon as I have free time again! This thing is so messy but I liked the idea of it. I hope you like it because this is hella long! love you ♡

With careful steps you look past the big tree. You can smell them, the dogs. They are laughing, goofing around. You shouldn't be here and you're very aware of that but the little piece of their land is a lot shorter to cross than the other way.

Suddenly something grabs you by the neck and you whip around fast enough to rip its hand away from you. He lets out a big yelp and catches the attention of the others. Within a moment all of them are gathered around you two. His arm still in your hand while he whimpers. “Let him go, bloodsucker” a low voice almost whispers behind you. You shake your head and suddenly a harsh kick against you head knocks you out.

The next thing is you uncomfortably restrained against a chair. The smell of those dogs barges into your nose and you frown a little.

You're put in front of a big table and seven men stare you down. “You're awake” the man straight across from you states and you almost roll your eyes. “Come on, let me go” you answer instead. he smiles slightly and shakes his head. “It's not that easy, vampi. What did you do in our territory?” you frown and just sigh “The little path along the lake is shorter than crossing it within our territory. I didn't have any intentions” you answer. He nods. “Can you open the cuffs?” you ask and he shakes his head again. “No can do” he answers and the others smile as well.

You roll your eyes. “Alright, I've asked nicely” you whisper and snap the cuffs apart without any problem. You rip the cuff parts around your wrists off and slide it over the table “I asked”.

He stares at you with wide eyes. “Can I ask you something?” a voice to your right comes up “Shoot” you encourage the coconut head “How old are you?” you frown and you fake gasp. “Don't you know that you don't ask women about their age?” he frowns a little. “But, I'm 230 years old” you smile at him “Well actually 252 because I died as I was 22 years old” you correct yourself.

He nods and looks quite surprised. “You know, I don't have any intentions but I have to open this window” you say as you get up. Two of them almost jump at you “Calm down doggo, everything's okay” you say and open the window. “Not to be mean but I'm not used to such a strong animal smell” you answer their dumbfounded faces.

You sit down again. “What? Surprised that I can smell as good as you?” They shake their heads no. “Do you really kill people for nothing, like fun?” a blonde one asks and you sigh “Have you never talked to one of us? Never heard anything? No I don't kill people for nothing. I usually only drink a little bit at special occasions” you answer. A slightly brighter boy asks as well “How many people did you kill?” you squint your eyes slightly “I stopped counting” you plainly answer. “I am on this earth for a long time now, after all” you answer.

“We need your help, vampire” an amused smile plants itself on your face and you chuckle lightly “My help? Wow, this took a turn” you laugh. The leader, you suppose because he sits at the spot across from you, frowns a little but swallows his pride. “Someone is threatening us and we are not as experienced as they are” he explains himself.

“Who are we talking about?” you ask and his face slightly lights up “ The Exodus Pack” Your face shoots up and a smile rests on your face “I'm in” you answer and he stands up so fast that his chair falls over “Thank you so much..” “Y/N” you answer for him. “But I have one condition” you smile. A dark haired one frowns “I knew it” you squint your eyes “It's nothing big. Let me taste you” The hand he held out for you to take stopped. His eyes widen and you catch on pretty fast. “I don't want to suck your cock you nasty dog, I want a little bit of you blood” you almost shout at him. His shocked state doesn't change much and you roll your eyes. “Give me your hand” you hold out your hand for him to put his in.

“Why do you want his blood?” a slender good build man asks you. “Well, that's a good question..” “Hoseok” he answers fast. “Right, well you must know. Wolf blood tastes great but a werewolf's blood has this mixture of human and animal blood it's like the most delicious thing on this planet other than chocolate donuts.

And it has been a while since I've had some” you answer. “It won't even hurt that much, put your big boy pants on” you smirk and lead his arm to your mouth. Within seconds you let your fangs appear and puncture the spot you want to drink off. He gasps but keeps quiet. The blood has such a sweet metallic taste that you almost moan out. A swift look to the boys makes them almost jump. You gather yourself and let go of him but making sure to lick the spot to let it heal faster.

“Wow, you have some delicious blood right there” you let your head fall back and the blood tickle down your throat. “Thank you..” “Namjoon”

“Thank you, Namjoon. You taste great” you chuckle. The room falls into awkward silence and you sigh slightly. “So what did you do to piss them off?” With a swift motion you wipe the excess blood off of Namjoon's hand and place it into your mouth.

“Umh, they fought with one of us because we didn't want to do their dirty work. Since we are a junior pack they expected us to kiss their feet but we didn't want to so here we are.” Hoseok explains and you nod “So I am supposed to do your dirty work and wipe them off of the picture?” he nods “exactly” you smile and lay your feet on top of the table. “What do I get for that?” he sighs and is fast to answer. “You can ask favors too, we wanna understand vampires better so please say what you want” You smile “It depends, how about a second taste to start off?”

He doesn't seem so happy about and nods hesitantly.

You take their looks in, who would you like to taste? Your gaze hushes ober a slender smaller boy. His pink hair makes him seem less threatening. “You” you whisper and within a second you appear in front of him. His eyes are big and he inches away from you “What's your name?” you ask as you take a light wiff, his sense fills your nose and flowers seem to bloom inside. “Jimin” he whispers. You smirk and stroke over his neck carefully. “Don't be nervous, I won't kill you” you chuckle. “Can't you take it like you did with Namjoon-Hyung?” you shake your head slightly.

“No can do sugar” he gulps and you take place next to him. The others just watch in horror.

“Don't be so scared, ten minutes ago you were the big threatening wolves. Look at you now” you chuckle. “I'll hold you” you whisper and he nods. Carefully he moves onto your lap. “You said that you want to understand me, right?”

you ask and a low huff follows. “The things is that blood is essential like changing into your wolf is. You have to do it even if you dislike it and killing someone or something is required. I didn't like it, I hated myself for it. I wanted to kill myself when I came back to my senses, I killed so many people. I cleared out villages back then but I settled with animals. Until a hundred years ago I started to subtly kill people again, I killed people who deserved to die. Until now I only had an incident with one pack. I erased them when the were about to kill me. I never wanted to kill them” Jimin's gaze comes up to you “That was you?” you nod with a sad smile “It was me alone” you whisper.

With a light push you lay Jimin's head down. He breathes in and sighs silently. “Everything’s going to be fine, Jimin” you whisper and with a gentle stroke over his neck you take your bite. You let go of him. With a strangled breath you don’t fight it anymore.

A blonde boy lays in front of you facing the other way. Wolves surround him while he whimpers and tries to speak properly. Jimin. Slowly they begin to transform into human figures. “Oh look at you now Park. Where are your dumb pieces of friends now, huh?” you walk around the happening event taking in the situation as good as you can. “They will come” he whispers while strangling a cry. “They won’t and you know why? Because they don’t care about you. You can’t even transform into your wolf yet” he laughs and Jimin cries some more “Leave him the fuck alone” a low voice catches everyone's attention, including yours. You chuckle lowly while the other boys come into sight “Oh, who do we have here. The whole gang. Look Jiminie” he smiles before he kicks him into the stomach. “They’ll leave you as soon as they know that you have never transformed into your wolf. You’re a coward Jimin and soon everyone around will know.” Suddenly a big grey wolf jumps towards the unknown boy ready to rip him to shreds.

With a harsh breath you come back to your senses. The boys are surrounding you while Jimin holds you with terrified eyes. “Y/N?” Jimin whispers and you just breathe in closing your eyes. “What happened?” Namjoon asks. You smirk slightly and shake your head “Something i shouldn’t have done” you answer. You try to stand up but your legs give in and one of them is able to steady you. “This didn’t seem like nothing, you passed out as soon as you drank from Jimin” Namjoon continues to complain. You nod and, as he introduced himself, Taehyung helps you to sit back down next to Jimin. “Was his blood that bad?” a low voice chuckles and Jimin frowns “Yoongi” he snaps and you smile towards the floor, you’re quick to shake your head no. “No, Yoongi. His blood was delicious the thing is that when i drink from someone i am able to dig up their worst memory. I can suppress it and decide if i want to see it but i forgot about it when i drank from Jimin.” you look at him. “And his worst memory makes you pass out?” you shake your head. “The last time i saw someone's memory is so long ago. It overwhelmed me” you smile. Jimin seems frozen next to you. “I won’t talk about it if you don’t want that.It’s your memory after all” you whisper. “But i have one question” you lean back and look at him through your eyelashes. “The wolves which appeared, those were the exo pack,right?” his head snaps at you and a split look encounters you. You nod and sit back into your recent position. “I’ll make them pay, i promise” you smile and he nods.”But before we make their asses pay i want to eat something.” They obviously seem quite surprised and confused. “You just drank” a unknown boy asks and you laugh “I mean food. Like pizza or take out. I do eat you know that, do you?” their expressions don’t change and you smile fades. “What else didn’t they tell you”

-

“The food is great” you smile and namjoon smiles at you awkwardly. “Are you alright?” he asks you while the others stay quiet. You nod and give him a eye smile. “You ate four burgers and a whole noodle menu on your own. And your attitude changed completely” you sigh and look down onto the table. Slowly your shoulders slumb down and you put your fork down. “Excuse me, where is the bathroom” you whisper still looking down onto the floor. Jimin is fast to show you the bathroom. You lock the door and with shaky breathing you walk towards the sink. You look at your pale self.

“Don’t open up to others, they’ll only hurt you because of what you are” you rest in your mother's arms. Her grasp strong and her voice piercing. “They’ll only hurt you when you least expect it my sweet child” you nod and a tear leaves your eyes. “I won’t ever open up mother.” she nods and a short sweet kiss follows. “Remember my words child, keep away from the living and live your life how you ever want to. I love you” suddenly her eyes close and you’re left with her arms leaving you and her blood on your hands. Killed by the Living. Killed by the exodus pack.

A soft sob leaves you and stumble back. Too far, you stumble into the bathtub and hit your arm. It’s dislocated. That’s the last thing that bothers you at the moment. You can’t stop crying and by this point you start to cry noisily. “Y/N?” a soft knock snaps you out of your disaster and your breath stops for a second. You have to go out there again, right. You pull yourself out of the tub and walk over to the door with your arm hanging there dislocated as it is. You take a swift look at yourself in the mirror and regret it immediately. You look like the first time you went rampage on the village near your own.

You open the door so fast that you master to startle Jimin and Yoongi. You don’t look at them but take on walking to the next door, which leads to the dining room. “What happened?” Hoseok asks seemingly shocked. You don’t answer but position your arm against the cold door frame. “Oh my god, what did you do” Jin asks trying to touch you but you look at him with the darkest gaze he has ever seen in his whole life. He backs off and you take all of your power together and slam your shoulder against the door frame. “Fuck!” you scream and fall down onto the floor just to feel the pain stabbing you.

All of the people you killed flash before your eyes. The lifes you took. You’re a monster and you know it you just ignored the fact. You killed werewolves and a lot more magical creatures and you shouldn't be in their presence at all.

Just as you are able to feel the pain leaving your shoulder you stand up breathing hard. Nobody says something. Hoseok tries to help you stand bit you're quick to push his hands away. “I'm killing them now” you whisper. Namjoon gasps and holds your arm. “I think you should calm down” you shake your head and sniff slightly. “I've waited too long. I'm going to rip them apart, one by one” Taehyung protests “We don't want you to kill all of them. There are kids Y/N” you nod and take a step away from them. “I know” you whisper back before you open the front door. “It's not the first time I killed children.” You murmur before you leave to the enemy pack.

-

Just a good hundred feet away of their pack you stop. You check the situation while the bangtan back gathered behind you. Their pups are playing in the grass, the mothers talk it has each other and the men are nowhere to be seen. You can smell their faint smell, they've been here not long ago. Silently you leave to the two big houses. A shout to their children makes you smile. You pick up two of the crying children. Out of panic they start to growl and their little fangs long to prick your skin without success.

“Cute little things, right?” you smile before a low growl snaps your attention away from the kids in your grasp. “Let them go” the voice is so familiar. Just as familiar as his great grand father. “This little thing here?” you laugh and he just charges towards you. “One more step and I'll suck them dry within a second” a woman screams for her children and you try your hardest to ignore her.

“Are they yours?” you smile. His gaze seems hurt and panicked, they are his.

You put them down so that they run to their mother. With a swift motion you grasp his jaw as he watches his pups running back to their mother. The pack of his is fast to back him up but the bangtan pack is faster. “You're a disgrace, sitting yourself on the side of a blood sucker” he shouts. You've had enough. “At least I don't kill a whole family and leave one child back to die. Your grand grandfather did some shit things but you took after him quite well. You're the disgrace here” you snarl and strengthen you grasp on his throat.

He has problems breathing and scratches your hand furiously. “Good night Alpha” you whisper and dig into his flash. You don't drink his blood, no. You tear his flesh apart together with his bones. His pack howls and howls in murmur. You're in too deep in your task of tearing the man apart that you don't notice the packs fighting.

You rip his heart out and take steps away from the bundle of flesh and blood which was once a man. “I Y/N claim the alphas position and his belongings.” You shout. The situation falls silent and the packs look at you in disbelief.

You're covered in blood and whatever body fluids. Your face is splattered with blood and eyes have such a dark black color. “The Exodus Pack must follow the bangtan pack now since their alpha is dead. If someone has a problem with my decision please fight me now” you smirk.

You stumble towards the packs with the heart in your hand. You raise it and take a big bite out of it. “The bloodsucker wins once again against the living. It was my pleasure helping you out” you smile towards Namjoon. You throw the heart onto the grass and take your leave with a soldier motion. “I'll check on you” you smile before you leave to clean yourself up.

[choco-style]

lately I’ve found myself mind yelling “shut the fuck up” more than usual and I don’t know who to talk to because there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it, I just have to wait to go to school and feel better, which is crazy because the general opinion on school is “god I hate it I just wanna go home” and that’s what I used to think too when I was in my awful 5-8 grade class

and it’s not just real life people I want to shut up, I feel like I’m getting more defensive and my favourite creators are getting called all kinds of things by people who claim to have the higher moral ground (or whatever you call it), when they themselves wish terrible things upon people who have either done nothing wrong, or who have apologized for everything they did wrong. and it’s 99% on tumblr. now I understand why no one fucking likes this site.

and I’m back again in this state where “I wanna go home” doesn’t at all refer to the actual apartment, but to a mentally happy place. and it sounds edgy when your brain says I wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna go home please shut the fuck up

this isn’t even that bad and it’s nothing serious and I don’t know how I feel about all this I just needed to let it out and tumblr is where I can write longass “diary entries” and very few people who I care about will read them, and if someone has a problem with them I don’t give a single shit about their feelings and I hope they get the help they need to not turn into a shitty person or worse.

ive also been kinda mean??like not quite but kinda??? i dont know i just feel like i peaked and now im just kinda there. but im not even in the neutral empty doorway kind of state, its like now im in the room but idk what i wanna do and i need to pee but theres no toilet and im just there. like how dreams feel sometimes,,,,, idk aaagh

during the first 5 days of the week i look forward to the weekend because that keeps me happy and good and nice but then the weekend is the worst part of every week and i look forward to going to school, and now i wont even have this escape because this is the last week were going to school this decade and i have to breathe the same air and hear the same sounds as my family and i dont want to, i wanna go to school and be distracted and plan out my evenings and mornings when im basically alone. or something. i dont know what im talking about. i just dont want winter break. i dont wanna talk to my family when theyre all together. whenever theres even two people from my family in the same room i feel like i want to cry and i end up wishing id made plans or something, anything just to be somewhere else. 

youtube videos arent working anymore. or they are, but not really. i can block out the sound partially but i can still hear other people. and i think its normal but also fucked up. “what is?” well thanks for asking, me in “ “s, having these people argue so much is common but fucked up, having to stop whatever ur doing just to check whether or not a family member is crying, only to find out theyre laughing, is fucked up but maybe common. wanting to be home alone is common and not fucked up i think. going into a mental crisis because youre in this eternal circle of being sad - amplifying it because ur an attention whore - realising ur an attention whore - instead of stopping, u amplify THIS to feel absolutely terrible except not really because its not real or is it - now ur making urself look like the victim of realising ur not the victim. jesus fucking christ u stop thinking about it and it happens again a while later. just shut the fuck up, me. shut the fuck up. make my brain shut the fuck up,  i would literally probably cry happy tears if someone could make me shut the fuck up forever. or maybe i wouldnt but right now i feel like im gonna cry thinking about it. or its just placebo. or not placebo, the negative one. or idk. maybe i was right the first time i dont know. and now my back hurts cuz im like a little bug or whatever im just writing like. reversed arched. i dont know how to explain it lmao. i dont wanna read this thiing ever again but i most likely will! yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! be happy lol u knwo the meme thats like cmon work. idk what it was but the reference is in my brain and i feel like i could use it. and now i sound weird. well not weird im just going thru the thing i explained earlier in this thing. but i wont write abt it im just gonna not think about it bc that seems to work really well. felt the need to add ^^ as if im talking to someone or maybe making my thoughts talk to me rn like how i would talk to someone irl lmao.theyve actually been silent for a while so idk.

id title this “if im being honest” to like show im trying to get my rthoughts out with no real filtering but aaah idk. i dont wanna do it bc the title would be like. bigger and semibold and itd draw attention to  it. i want this to not be read by people but maybe someone will. i have like 2 or 3 people in mind who would maybe maybe maybe read this but i dont know. its really not anything so you shouldnt read it. maybe someone could skim this. is that how you say it. also there is some filtering of my thoughts because i dont wanna name anyone im not looking for trouble i just wanna talk into the void and feel better and maybe this is really it. i do feel kind of relaxed now. my uhhh wrists, yeah thats what theyre fcalled, they kinda hurt and my fingers dont hurt but like, the joints are very,,,accentuated? but not like visually they just. i can conciously feel them? and my throat and kinda eyes? thats bc of almost kinda crying but lol idk. and like ive always hated accentuated feelings and i read this thing on wikipedia about sensory overload and idk if its a normal thing that happens like when something stings or hurts or if its a symptom of something or i dont know but ive always kinda joked about it and its also related to tics. ticks? ticks. tics. and its not really what im feeling rn but its a thing that happens sometimes. kind of. but like when u walk up the stairs and u feel ur right leg has been doing/making more effort pushing u up than ur left leg and u try to balance out the effort and it can be hurtful i guess bc if something like an eye or arm hurts u try to balance out the pain and that can be bad dont do that but like i can do it bc i wont do it in bad scenarios. i went off track lololol sorry

this is kind of what my mind speeches and discourses look like so yeah i hope this goes unnoticed or someone notices it and i can just say nah dude im good trust me because i am i think and u should maybe probably trust me bc usually i have it better than everyone i talk to online or in real life so its fine if u trust me because its nothing to worry about really. ur precious and u desrrve more attention than whatever this thingy is. take care of yourself. the only thing ur allowed to think about this post if u read it (or not but like sure), according to my selfish brain, is that oh wow its cool that u tried mimicking (??) ur thoufhts and id be lioke yeah haha i dont even know whats wriitten in here anymroe im cool like that hahahhahahhhhhhhahha hehe hoho hihi you know. so dont feel anything else than indifference and maybe admiration. i wouldnt say the former if this were something i put thought into but it isnt so enjoy! honesty. kinda.

[shortkingactivism]

prompt: shane finding out that ryan is a seer who can see ghosts, but shane doesn't believe him at first but he eventually does? you can change it up if you like if this is too much! love your writing

Thank you for your kind words I hope you like this! I’m on mobile rn so sorry if anything is a lil wonky I’ll try to fix it when I get off vacation!

——

It starts out small.

Having worked with Ryan as long as Shane had, he’s pretty confident in his arsenal of Useless Ryan Trivia. He knows Ryan likes to work out when he’s stressed, knows his favorite brand of popcorn is the fancy one that had to be made on a stove instead of in the microwave and knows that he has the tendency to talk to himself. Like a lot. So when he wakes up in the middle of the night to Ryan softly mumbling he thinks nothing of it at first.

They’d just gotten back from a location, a small house out in the middle of West Bumblefuck, Missouri where a man had snapped one day and killed his wife and children as they slept. A sad case but not Satanic as Ryan had been so quick to claim.

The investigation had been relatively uneventful aside from the usual nonsense EVPs they had captured on the Screeching Hell Box but Ryan had still returned to their shared hotel room keyed up and twitchy.

He kept casting furtive glances to dark corners of their room and looking over his shoulder, probably thinking himself inconspicuous but which Shane picked up on right away. He tried not to tease Ryan too much, knowing how affected he could get after their investigations, yet the pull was too strong to resist entirely.

“You okay, man? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Shane said, giving him what could only be described as a shiteating grin.

“Fuck off, squatch. That place just gave me some bad vibes, y’know?”

“Again with the vibes? What are you, psychic now or something?”

Shane scoffed and Ryan laughed along mechanically.

“Oh come on, Ryan. We’re fine. If the ghouls were really that upset they would’ve squared up to me ages ago. Given me the ol’ one two.” He nudged Ryan slightly and smiled when he seemed to loosen up a bit.

“You’re right, who could pass up the chance to knock your limp noodle body around. I can barely suppress the urge.”

“Aw, Ryan. I’m touched. If you wanted to get your hands on me you could’ve just asked.”

Ryan snorted.

“You wish.”

Mood lightened, Ryan seemed fine to go to sleep. Seemed being the keyword as Ryan was once again awake and probably telling his camera all about the spooky sound of footsteps in a well inhabited place. Ooooo.

Shane listened closely, too exhausted to get up just yet if Ryan was at a manageable level of fear and would be able to calm himself down without Shanes’ help.

“You’ll be okay. Everything’s alright.”

There. Ryan was talking himself down and didn’t actually sound at all upset. Shane let himself relax and almost immediately felt himself falling back asleep.

“Hey, no buddy. Please don’t cry. You’re alright. Go back home, your mom’s probably looking for you right now.”

What? Shanes brows furrowed and he was fully awake once more.

“It’s okay. He won’t be there. He’s gone, I promise. Please, buddy? For me? You don’t want your mom to be sad do you?”

Ryan paused as if waiting for a response and Shane strained his ears, too. Maybe he was on the phone? Or talking in his sleep? But there was no light piercing through the dark of their room and for as long as Shane had known him Ryan had never once talked in his sleep. So what was going on?

Across the room from him, Ryan laughed, light and airy.

“That’s what I thought. Now go on. You’ll be alright. Goodbye, little guy!”

Shane laid quietly in his bed, waiting for the other shoe to drop, for Ryan to yell “sike!” and spin his camera around for his reaction. All he heard, however, was Ryan heaving a deep sigh before shifting around to get more comfortable.

When nothing more happened, Shane finally allowed his confusion to succumb to his exhaustion and drifted off, promising himself to confront Ryan about it in the morning.

——“Hey, little guy how’d you sleep last night. You look, quite frankly, like shit.”

“Damn, Madej. You really know how to sweet talk a guy. Should I strip now or later?” Ryan deadpanned.

“Any excuse to lose the shirt, huh? But really, you look tired. Are you alright?” Shane asked, subtly trying to get closure for last night’s events.

“It was alright. Had a little trouble sleeping, though. Kept thinking about the case. You really have to be a shitty person to do that to your family, huh?”

“Oh for sure. You gotta hop right onto the train to Sucksville for that. No transfers, nothin’. Just straight on to Sucksville, population: That Guy.”

“‘Population: That Guy’ Jesus. You really don’t even remember his name? We just talked about it yesterday!”

“Ryan, if I could remember the name of every shitty murderer to ever exist then I wouldn’t working be at Buzzfeed.”

“Oh yeah? Then where would you be?”

“Killin’ it on some super niche game show about killers from the middle of nowhere, obviously Ryan. Keep up!”

Ryan laughs, bright and loud and Shane feels his own face morph into a smile of its own.

In the end they get too distracted thinking up disturbing names for Shane’s imaginary game show for him to bring up Ryan’s night once more.

——Eventually, Shane pushes that night to the back of his mind, rationalizing it as sleep talking and leaving it at that. There’s not much else to explain it away with and Shane’s pretty content with his answer.

Shane, however, doesn’t completely forget about the incident. He finds himself paying closer attention to Ryan than before, something he previously thought impossible.

He drags his eyes over him at every possible opportunity, strains his ears to scan for his voice and spends way to much time thinking over their interactions.

If Shane didn’t know any better he’d say he’d developed a crush on Ryan. But that was dumb because he was a grown man and that was his best friend. He was simply… researching, compiling notes like he would for an episode of Ruining History. Delving in deep to get all the right facts and throw out the bullshit would take an attentive eye, of course.

And through his observations Shane had made several slightly worrying discoveries.

Ryan was talking to himself more, forome. Normally, Shane could blame it on the stress from the pressure of planning out a new season but Ryan’s research was going off without a hitch. Plus, it was almost never at work or at his desk.

Sometimes, Shane and Ryan would be scouting out a location and the second Ryan believed Shane was out of earshot he would start muttering under his breath, gesturing and looking over his shoulder as if afraid to get caught.

Ryan, he noticed, also refused to stare at one place for too long. He would either focus all his attention on Shane or his eyes would dart around whatever room they were in, never settling, as if avoiding eye contact. At first Shane had written it off as a result of Ryan’s nervous energy and inability to hold still and then after coming to terms with his feelings for Ryan he had hoped it meant that maybe Ryan felt the same way. But Shane decided that, no, something about it felt off.

Maybe it was the way Ryan would almost seem fearful about taking his eyes away from someone else’s face. Or maybe it was the times that his gaze would catch on something, eyes sparking with something akin to recognition and sadness before they would quickly scurry to the next spot. Shane wasn’t quite sure but it worried him.

The final straw was after yet another shoot at a haunted location. This time a young girl, Ciara Fisher, had died in a house fire and was said to haunt the place, crying at night and clawing at the doors in an attempt to escape the fire she still experienced each night.

Shane had woken in the middle of the night to use the bathroom only to experience fear gripping his chest as he saw Ryan’s empty sleeping bag beside him.

He got up in a hurry, switching on his flashlight and creeping across the house quietly in search for his partner.

“Ryan?” He called out in a hushed, panicked voice. “Where are you?” No response.

Worried, Shane continued his search. Faintly, he thought he heard whispering coming from down the hall, the site where Ryan had said the little girl had been trapped. When he turned the corner he saw her bedroom door wide open with a faint light emitting from it.

Quietly, Shane approached the room, keeping his footsteps light in case it wasn’t Ryan and instead some intruder who wanted to hurt them.

As he got closer, however, Shane was able to easily make out Ryan’s voice in the silent room.

“Wow, you tied that bow all by yourself? I’m impressed!” A pause. “Of course I’ll miss you, sweetie, but don’t you think your parents miss you more?”

Shane peeked in and saw Ryan seated on the ground, body turned slightly to face a corner of the room. He could just barely make out Ryan’s soft smile in the dim moonlight streaming through the grimy window.

“I won’t forget you, I promise. How could I ever forget meeting a real life princess! Oh, a fairy princess? My bad, your majesty! Oh, no no come on sweetie. No more crying. No need to be sad, I’ll see you again one day. That’s more like it. Goodbye Princess Ciara.”—-

Oh. Oh shit. Ryan thought. That he was talking. To ghosts. Oh shit.

That was not good. At all. On no planet was this okay. He had to talk to him, had to get him some help. He couldn’t- wouldn’t - let some show on Youtube irreversibly fuck with his best friends’ psyche like that.

Shane backed out of the room and all but ran for his sleeping bag. When they got back from this trip they were gonna have a nice, loooong talk.

—-“Ryan, we need to talk.”

“Uh oh, are you breaking up with me, Shane?” Shane remained straight faced even as his stomach fluttered stupidly at the implication that he and Ryan were dating.

“I’m serious Ryan. I- I think you need to stop doing Unsolved.”

“Very funny, Shane. Let me just grow another 2 feet in my sleep while I’m at it.” Ryan rolled his eyes, before turning back to the tv, popcorn in hand.

Shane grabbed the remote and muted the movie, determined to have this talk despite Ryan’s complaints.

“Ryan, I really think you need to take a break from Unsolved. I know its your baby but seriously, mental health comes first.”

“Mental health- what does that even mean? Sure, I get scared sometimes but so what? It’s not like I’m about to suffer from a psychic break or something…” Ryan trailed off, eyes narrowing, “holy shit do you think I’ve finally, like, snapped or something? What the fuck, man!”

“Ryan, it’s just that…”

“No, fuck you, man. I don’t think, like, the Devil’s been whispering in my ear, telling me to clickbait articles to get extra ad revenue or whatever. I’m fi-“

“I heard you talking to the little girl, Ryan! And the boy in Missouri. And you’ve been acting weird and skittish and I just- I just want you to get better. I need you to be okay.”

Shane’s voice was breaking now, trailing off as the thought of Ryan not getting the help he needed hit him full force. Ryan lost the anger he initially felt, softening at the sight of Shane wilting in front of him.

“Shane I’m not- I can’t,” He took a deep breath before composing himself, wincing at the thought of what he was about to say, “I appreciate your concern but I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“What?” Shane’s head shot up in surprise, “what do you mean?”

“I mean, I have no clue what you’re talking about Shane. You know I would never talk to a ghost or some shit like that. Maybe… maybe you’re the one who needs help right now. Or maybe you dreamt it?”

“Really? Are you really doing this to me, Ryan?”

“Doing what, Shane. I’m just saying you don’t seem to have been sleeping well either-“

“That’s because I’ve been up all night worrying about you! Because you’re talking to people who aren’t there! And I’m worried about you but if you’re gonna stand there and- and fucken gaslight me then fine! I’ll quit Unsolved and you won’t have to worry about lying to me anymore.”

Shane turned to leave, anger and disbelief clouding his judgement. He was halfway to the door of Ryan’s apartment when he felt a strong hand on his forearm.

“Wait, please don’t go. I’m sorry that I lied to you like that. I’m just…scared. I don’t know how to talk about this.”

“Ryan. I’m your best friend. You should never be ashamed to talk about your mental health.”

“That’s just the problem, Shane,” he whispered, “it has nothing to do with my mental health. I’m a Seer. I can see ghosts.”

Shane’s heart broke.

“No, stop it, Shane. Stop making that face. I’m not, I don’t know, schizophrenic or something. Trust me I’ve been to my fair share of doctors to make sure I’m not making this up to know.”

“Ryan, you can’t- I mean. That’s not- ghosts aren’t real. You have to understand that. Maybe it’s something you didn’t have checked, like-“

“I knew it. You don’t believe me. God, I’m so stupid.” He started cleaning the room, sweeping stray popcorn into the bowls and shutting off the tv.

“I think it’s best if you go home.”

“Ryan, that’s not fair. I’m just trying to help you.”

“Well, if your idea of help is trying to get me committed then I don’t want it!”

“How do you think I feel? The person I’m in love with is losing his goddamn mind and he won’t even consider getting help.”

Pause.

“You’re in love with me?”

“That’s not- I didn’t. Fuck.”

Ryan smiled softly, heart soaring.

“You’re in love with me!” Ryan was beaming before he took a deep breath, trying to compose himself.

“Okay, let me try something. Let me prove it to you.”

“What? How? How could you possibly prove it to me? It’s not real.”

“You’re grandma loves you a lot, y’know?” Ryan started, apropos of nothing, “She thinks you’re real funny, Lord knows why.”

“Don’t.”

“She’s really sweet. She likes to hang around the set and watch you do your thing sometimes. Says she’s waiting for you to get your head out your ass. Never knew what she meant by that but I think I can guess now.”

“Ryan, this isn’t funny. This is fucked up, man.”

“Shane, please. I’m not trying to hurt you,” he was more solemn now, less light hearted and more serious, handling it with the respect he felt they both deserved.

“She always wanted me to tell you she’s so sorry for missing your school concerts but she loved when you would come to her hospital room and show her videos of you playing and tell her funny stories. I kept telling her I couldn’t, that you wouldn’t believe me, but she wanted you to know so badly how much she loves you.”

Shane’s crying now, shoulders shaking in silent sobs and Ryan wants to move closer, to comfort him, but he isn’t sure he’s allowed.

“She loves you so much, Shane. Her mała gwiazda.”

Shane launches himself into Ryan’s arms and then they’re both crying, intertwining themselves so closely they’re almost one being.

“What the fuck, Ryan? I mean, what the fuck?”

“I know, it’s a lot to take in. I’m sorry.”

Eventually, they calm down, exhausted from the crying and the revelations. They move to lie more comfortably on the couch, Ryan lying on his side and Shane wrapped around him like a particularly clingy octopus.

“Mała gwiazda,” Shane says, breaking the silence, “it means little star in Polish. She used to call me that during the visits. It’s the only Polish I really remember now.”

Ryan just smiles at him softly, burrowing closer to his chest.

“So,” Shane says, “any other earth shattering secrets you wanna come clean with. You got abducted by a UFO recently? Getting frisky with our boy, the Mothman?”

Ryan laughs but gets quiet, turning to face Shane head on.

“Actually, yeah. Just one more.”

“Oh?” Shane hums, lifting a brow. “Hit me, baby!”

Ryan rolls his eyes fondly but keeps looking Shane in the eyes as he wraps his arms around him, resting his hands behind his neck to play with the short strands of hair there. Shane’s heart stutters and nothing, he thinks, could ever top this moment.

“I’m in love with you, too.”

Shane smiles widely, eyes crinkling with it. As he swoops down to capture Ryan’s lips with his own he thinks he could stand to be wrong more often if the outcomes were always this breathtaking.

Who needed to be skeptic when he had all he needed to believe in right here, anyways?

[kalloway]

I Dream in Fear (old Dragon Age fanfic WIP)

Decided to just throw this up there - I wanna find the motivation to finish it or re-write parts of it, but tbh I’m actually pulling dialogue from it rn for a different dialogue idea I had lmao

But hey, it’s here if you want. It’s long, so it’s under the cut. I wrote this back in January 2015, apparently. Wow.

Hope it’s okay! I’m not formatting it at all before queuing this so if it’s weird... let me know - I know my theme’s garbage for this sorta thing rn OTL

There was a blade breathing down her neck as the silence hung heavy in the room. He tried, but his breathing was ragged; nervous. So quiet it was, he was ashamed to consider that his Knight-Commander could probably hear it form where he stood – judge it, criticize it when this ordeal was over – oh Maker, have mercy upon this terrified young Templar. Perhaps forgive him for the sin he'd considered acting upon. Duty had held him firm, but this mage – this woman – had managed to shake his stubborn will.

He was not supposed to do what he did. He was a Templar – plain and simple. He observed, he protected, he fulfilled his duties. He did not become a stammering fool and he did not become irresponsibly smitten with a mage simply because she had smiled at him once. He wasn't supposed to, but he did despite himself. Was he ashamed of this? Of course, but he found that every time he told himself 'no', he'd catch a glimpse of red hair and a flash of those honey-coloured eyes, and he'd forget his own oaths. He didn't even know her, and yet he knew far more than he cared to admit. She was very talented however, even First-Enchanter Irving had mentioned it once – but was it not wrong to pick favourites amongst those that may not even-

No, of course not.

He simply admired from a distance, trying to understand what exactly made him feel this way. Before he knew it however, the Templars' shifts would rotate, and she was out of sight... but not out of mind.

Some days were better than others in this situation. He wouldn't mull over it much and attended to his duties like any other Templar – though with the odd glance he'd give her when he thought no one was watching. Then there were days he became helplessly paranoid, fearing for her for minuscule reasons that he'd blow out of proportion. That mage over there seems like he's standing a little too close to her to just be on friendly terms... Was that Templar staring at her too? At the end of these troublesome days, he'd pray that he would grow out of this phase or... condition. How long he'd denied it. How long he'd attempted to brush it off as nothing. But it was nothing. Nothing good would come of it most certainly, but was that the only thing that drove him to all this concern and stress over a mage – a woman – that was nothing more than one of many charges he watched over? It was all too confusing for him, and he feared that it would start to show. He feared he'd be caught, or worse yet – she be the one punished for his own seemingly uncontrollable infatuation.

It was early one evening that he spoke to her directly for the first time. He was assigned to a watch in one of the libraries in the Apprentice Quarters. He didn't even realize that she was there – and therefore wondered why he was sent to a seemingly empty room to begin with – until she'd suddenly moved out the corner of his eye to scan more of the tomes on the tall wooden shelves. He didn't dare move from where he stood, but he watched her run a slender finger across the spines of the tomes, searching by title or author possibly, he didn't bother to choose one. He simply observed.

After a few minutes of searching and three tomes in hand at last, she finally spun on her heel to take notice of his presence with a simple greeting of, “Oh, hello Cullen.” He swore his heart ceased to beat when she said his name. He had never told her his name... he hadn't even spoken to her before!

“How do you-? I-I mean...”

She blinked once before she sputtered out a reply, “Oh, I just... overheard another Templar...” She trailed off, uncertain, “I'm sorry, that was probably very rude of me. It was not my place, Ser.”

He was taken slightly aback by her concern. Was it concern for him? No, no, no. Don't think like that. He felt like he was being strangled of the air in his lungs... why was it so hard to simply speak to a mage? “Oh, uh... it's no issue. R-really! You can, uh... you can call me what you like. Er- within reason, of course.” He felt like a fool.

She gave him a weary smile in return, “As you wish, Cullen.”

And that was the end of the conversation. Cullen spent the rest of that night berating himself for being such an idiot. Things only became worse the next day when he overheard a conversation between two mages as he made his rounds through the Apprentice Quarters. He only caught part of the conversation, but he had heard his name and mention of 'Amell'. That was... Cullen had panicked upon hearing this conversation, hurrying past that section of the mage quarters so he didn't have to hear any more of it.

Yet despite this, the routine remained unchanged, save for odd mutual glances at one another when they passed. It was embarrassing for the both of them. However she was undoubtedly more ignorant on such matters than he was. When he'd first become a Templar, they had blatantly stated that Templar-Mage relations were not tolerated, especially within the same Circle. He had wondered at the time why they would have to mention such a thing in the first place. After all, was it not common sense?

If that was the case, then Cullen had none.

He spoke to her again, this time in the Senior Mage Quarters on the second floor. She was waiting outside the main library/stockroom in the hall, where Cullen was walking. He'd considered trying to ignore her, but that would be terribly rude, especially if she made an effort to greet him should he do so. Therefore, he chose to simply (or tried, at least) to ask her why an apprentice mage was on the second floor.

She'd turned to him with bright eyes, “Ah, I'm waiting for Tomkin – you know Tomkin, yes? - to gather some tomes he believes might prove useful in my studies.” She suddenly turned bashful, “He says it'll help me get ahead with all this stuff. I told him that wasn't necessary at all – after all, I'm not really all that special – but he's quite persistent, he is. The only reason I'm actually here is because he said he didn't want to leave me unsupervised downstairs. Maker only knows why he's so concerned about something so trivial.”

There was that familiar dull pain in his chest again. Worry. He had a terrible, faint feeling about why the mage Tomkin would be concerned leaving her alone, but he dared not think of it too much. Instead, he did his best to brush off the grim feeling, especially when he caught sight of aforementioned mage making his way back to her no doubt, with an armful of tomes. “Oh, I-I see. Er, very well... carry on, Amell.”

He cringed and silently cursed himself. 'Oh Maker, it slipped I swear!'

She furrowed her brow at him. She noticed. Cullen panicked, he wasn't supposed to refer to mages by name... it wasn't proper protocol! Much to his surprise though, the young mage in front of him only said one word , paired with a stern look in reply: “Miriam.”

He almost asked her the most idiotic question, but she had turned her attention to Tomkin, who has returned and ushered her back towards the Apprentice Quarters with the 'reward of knowledge'.

Miriam.

It suited her.

After learning her name – her informal name at that – Cullen felt almost giddy for the rest of the day. He didn't pray for forgiveness that evening. He didn't berate himself yet again for his foolish, impulsive actions. He was completely and utterly infatuated.

He spoke to her once more after this, back in the library once again. She saw him and gave him her usual bright smile – her eyes warm and welcoming – that never failed to set his heart aflutter. They were silent for quite some time, until Miriam had returned the tomes to their designations and seemed to be preparing to leave for her quarters for the night. She stopped in front of him after glancing around, presumably to ensure they were alone. She then turned her gaze upon him, “It's funny, how we always seem to be in the same places these days, Cullen.”

He could listen to his name pass through her lips forever... He quickly snapped back to his senses to the best of his ability, “Ah, y-yes. Well I, uh... I take this particular shift once a week. I... suppose our b-being in the same places besides this is... it's just a coincidence I'm sure.” He mentally slapped himself. He sounded like he wasn't too fond of her implications, when it was really quite the opposite. But what was he supposed to say?

“A coincidence, perhaps. But it's not like it's a bad coincidence. I mean, you're more forgiving than most. You have humanity... restraint. Something most Templars appear to be severely lacking, from what I've been told.”

Her compliments caught him entirely off-guard. Technically speaking, she was crossing a fine line with her subject matter. But he found himself reduced to a stammering mess yet again, “Y-you think I- H-humanity?” He scoffed at his failing voice, but it came out far harsher than intended, “All Templars have humanity... Mages do as well. You do.”

Miriam sighed, “That's not what I meant , you- Ugh. The other Templars... they just follow orders and don't care about their charges. They'd rather do as they please and scowl from afar. But you... you're different. It's a refreshing change, not having to be paranoid every waking minute.”

No words tumbled from his lips this time. Rather, his adoration for this mage only increased and was threatening to show. Though she had indeed somewhat insulted his Order, her sharp comments were not directed at him... well, not entirely. He'd noticed she had the tendency of being rather snippy with those she spoke with, so it didn't bother him nearly as much as it should have, although it still brought a twinge of shame for his own misinterpretation. That concern aside however, she was still taking the time to compliment him on a trait he himself had grown to dislike. He feared his compassion would interfere with his duties as a Templar, and had been scolded by Knight-Commander Gregoir for it more than once. He'd tried to detach himself from his charges and had done so successfully with all but one.

'What made her so different?', he'd occasionally wonder.

He'd wanted to spill his feelings to the woman; to break protocol and let it out so he wasn't so worked up about it. He wanted to take her slim hands in his own and compliment her – on her beauty, her wisdom and righteousness, everything.

Before his wild train of thought had found its end, Miriam had hastily bid him goodnight before leaving for her quarters. He watched her retreating form. His gut twisted uncomfortably – he should have said something. He shouldn't have even been thinking of such things to begin with. Such thoughts were dangerous, they told him.

He would regret his silence the following day.

The day of her Harrowing.

There he stood, overseeing her Harrowing – the most important day of her life. Cullen had not been informed ahead of time like some higher-ranking and more experienced Templars may have been. Gregoir had simply approached him out of the blue and commanded him to follow. He did so, but only knew what he was in for after reaching the fifth floor of the tower – the Harrowing Chamber.

'This Harrowing is like any other', he told himself, 'but why does it feel so... wrong?' He was never this nervous – this afraid – for neither himself nor the Mage he was 'guarding'. No, that's not what it was to him at all.

[phandomsecretvalentines]

Tell Me Everything Will Be Alright

This is my fic (and my first phanfic wow) for the 2018 Phandom Secret Valentines, and my valentine is @citrouillephan!

I hope you enjoy!   -from your valentine, @realityfallsapart

tags: fluff, angst, 2009 AU

words: 4.7k

Summary: Dan Howell tends to get lost in his head and his thoughts have a habit of ruling him even when he doesn’t want them to. When he and his best friend finally have a chance at meeting, Dan starts to wonder if he is actually good enough for the amazing human being that is Phil Lester.

(ao3 link)

(Thank you so much to @moonbeamphan for reading this over and helping me! This wouldn’t be as good without you!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dan typed his answer and sent it by hitting enter before leaning back in his chair and letting out a shaky breath that seemed to rattle his insides. His laptop chirped quietly, announcing that Phil had replied to him. He couldn’t bring himself to look at it right away. Finally, after a few moments, he flicked his eyes down to the white screen of the computer in his lap where Phil’s most recent message seemed to glare up at him.

  Phil :) (9:47 PM)

i know!

i can’t believe it either!

For a few moment, Dan could do nothing but stare at the screen; at the black words disrupting the artificial white light. It was the only thing that gave Dan any sort of illumination in his room; everything else was dark. He bit his lip and thought about the possible pros and cons of shutting his laptop and burying his head under his duvet to pretend that everything was fine because it was. It’s all fine.

Dan shook his head and reached his hands down to the keyboard. He wouldn't—couldn’t—do that to Phil. Phil deserved so much better than that. His numb fingers typed out a small sentence, only realizing that it had several typos until after he had sent it. He mentally kicked himself for it.

  Dan ^-^ (9:51 PM)

Me niether! it seems like thsi would n e v e r happen!

**neither, this

Jeez i can spell

Phil :) (9:51 PM)

idk dan are you sure you can def spell? those seem like some pretty beginner mistakes…

  Dan knew Phil was kidding. He knew that it was just Phil playing around with Dan like they normally did. Like they had been doing for months at this point. But in Dan’s heightened state of anxiety and stress, he couldn’t help but berate himself further. God, Phil must think of him as a kid now, he can’t even spell right!

Dan crashed back into his mattress, groaning and squeezing his eyes shut.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid….” he muttered, hitting his forehead with his hand with every word.

Looking back on this moment, Dan would laugh and realize how utterly idiotic his anger with himself was coming from, but right now, in bed with the lights off and by himself, he couldn’t help but magnify the issue. He had been anxious and stressed without a pause this entire week.

He looked up at his ceiling, sighing in growing frustration towards himself, but it wasn’t just because of his inability to catch his typos. In fact, it had nothing to do with them. The typos had just tipped him right over the edge and all of his insecurities crashed over him like waves, his head nearly going under the tide.

To say he wasn’t good enough was an understatement. To say that Phil deserved a much better best friend than Dan was even more of one. Phil was older, more experienced, more mature, funny, smart, kind, and extremely compassionate. He had a great time making pretty successful and entertaining videos (at least in Dan’s opinion, and he would always fight anyone who said otherwise) on the side, on top of balancing life. Dan was younger, so much more less experienced with everything, he got overwhelmed with life and spent the majority of his time curled up under his covers surfing through the waves of his latest existential crisis or playing PC video games that he would forget about within the next 24 hours. He was purgatory in the form of a human and an incredibly underwhelming one at that.

He wasn’t sure how long exactly he laid there, stewing in his self-deprecation and wishing that he was better. Better in literally every aspect, maybe then he would finally be worth Phil’s time, if only a little bit. His computer chirped again, and then twice more minutes later in rapid succession, as if angry. Dan grasped for the thing, pulling it up to his chest, lacking the energy to sit back up.

  Phil :) (10:07 PM)

Dan you know im joking right?

Phil :) (10:16 PM)

Dan? you still there? i was joking i promise you can make all the typos you want

u didnt fall asleep did you?

  Dan couldn’t help the watery smile that turned the corners of his mouth up, albeit it being a small one. Phil had that effect on him even if Dan was falling apart on the inside. Just a little though, he was fine.

  Dan ^-^ (10:18 PM)

nooo im not sleeping

Phil :) (10:18 PM)

:(

Dan ^-^ (10:19 PM)

why the frowny face

Dan tried to keep the fear out of his thoughts but the talons of doubt had already settled around his heart. Was Phil mad that he didn’t answer right away? Would-

His laptop signaled the arrival of Phil’s reply, and Dan really didn’t know if he wanted to slam the lid of his computer shut or jump at the opportunity to find out if he had just ruined the best friendship he had ever had. Ever will. He went for the latter.

(Dan supposed he might be overreacting, but then again, when wasn’t he, it seemed?)

  Phil :) (10:20 PM)

did i insult your typing skills one too many times? is that why you disapeared?

*disappeared

Dan used the best coping mechanisms for dealing with his anxiety that he knew: humor and avoidance. Together, they were a formidable force and Dan had spent a large majority of his time perfecting their potency.

  Dan ^-^ (10:20 PM)

now look who’s making the typos

Phil :) (10:20 PM)

Dan.

  He gulped. Now he had done it. Fuck. He had to fix this.

Dan ignored the roar behind his ears that seemed to be screaming that he should just ignore this all, pray that things would magically fix themselves and change the topic. That was his fear talking. His self-abandonment. His anxiety. His everything. Phil was worth so much more. So Dan pushed it all away for just long enough to reply.

  Dan ^-^ (10:21 PM)

sorry, joke

no, thats not why i ran away

i was just thinking, thats all

Phil :) (10:21 PM)

were you doing it again

  Dan tried to pretend that he didn’t know what Phil was talking about and simultaneously cursed himself for telling Phil about his increasing habit for getting lost in his thoughts. He failed. He knew exactly what Phil was talking about.

Back, about three weeks ago in a later-than-normal conversation where all of their inhibitions seemed to dissipate, Dan had finally come clean about how sometimes thoughts got the best of him. He would crumble under them, get so completely and utterly lost in his head that he would sometimes stay there for hours on end, picking apart anything that his conscience decided to dig up. And it hindered Dan, made him hate himself just that much more, made him hate how easily his anxieties held him hostage, stuck. But he couldn’t do much about it, it seemed, for whenever he got lost in his head, he always forgot that he had to get out.

Dan gulped. He had to lie his way out of this. He knew that Phil didn’t like it when Dan got stuck. He could pull off nonchalance, right?

  Dan ^-^ (10:22 PM)

no

Phil :) (10:22 PM)

im not convinced

you were werent you

Dan ^-^ (10:23 PM)

does my word not count for anything lol

Phil :) (10:24 PM)

maybe if we were talking and i could see your face it’d count

Dan ^-^ (10:24 PM)

what’s my face got to do with anything?

Phil’s bubble appeared on the screen once, twice, three times, before he apparently decided on what he was going to say and sent it. The entire time Dan was a few words away from having a breakdown. His hands were shaking. His mind was racing faster than normal. Faster than it had in what seemed like a very long time.

  Phil :) (10:26 PM)

bc then i could tell if you were lying

tho rn i dont even need that

Dan ^-^ (10:26 PM)

are u seriously saying im lying

Phil :) (10:27 PM)

yeah

you did everything that you always do when you arent telling the truth

you joked

changed / focused the conversation onto smth else

and besides

ive gathered that you really dont like to talk about the things that bother you. you like to ignore them and stuff

Dan ^-^ (10:28 PM)

so how bout we not talk about them then

Phil :) (10:29 PM)

normally, maybe

but not with this

Dan ^-^ (10:29 PM)

and why not?

Phil :) (10:29 PM)

bc i dont like it when you beat yourself up in your head

Dan ^-^ (10:30 PM)

who said i was beating myself up in my head

Phil :) (10:30 PM)

… dan :/

youre avoiding again

Dan cursed himself. God, since when could Phil read him like a book?

  Dan ^-^ (10:32 PM)

fine. maybe i am

what are you gonna do about it philly?

Phil :) (10:32 PM)

daaaaannnnnn

you arent allowed to beat yourself up

no ones allowed to

especially you!

  Dan giggled, just a little. He couldn’t help it when Phil was being…well, Phil.

  Dan ^-^ (10:33 PM)

and why not? Hmm?

Phil :) (10:34 PM)

bc youre my favorite person silly

my favorite person cant be sad. its just the rules

Dan ^-^ (10:35 PM)

oh yeah? whose rules then, oh wise philip

Phil :) (10:35 PM)

ew dont call me philip my nan calls me that

and theyre my rules

my rules for my favorite person

Dan ^-^ (10:35 PM)

suuurrreee phil. sure its a rule

*philip

Phil’s cursor didn’t appear seconds after Dan had sent his message like usual. Insead, nothing appeared. Their good-natured banter had eased the storm raging inside of Dan and his thoughts and anxieties had died down a little, much more easier to bear with the distraction Phil was giving him, but with the sudden disappearance of his best friend, they came back full force. All of his doubts spilled into the front of his conscience. He shivered. It wasn’t from the cold.

Dan watched the little digital clock at the bottom of his laptop screen count the minutes falling away. One, two, three, four, five, god did what did he do-

  Phil :) (10:41 PM)

[multimedia image: click to load]

With his heart in his throat, Dan clicked, and a small window appeared, momentarily covering their chat from Dan’s view. It was hard to make out, the quality bad and the image itself grainy and dark, but it was of a piece of paper lying atop two legs clad in bright pyjamas that Dan could immediately connect to Phil and his eccentric personality. He could make out the tip of Phil’s finger at the top of the shot, too. Squinting, he looked at the paper itself, zooming in to make out the words penned in Phil’s handwriting.

  Rules:

1. Dan Howell is my favorite person

2. No one is allowed to make fun of him

3. ESPECIALLY if that “no one” is Dan himself

Dan started to laugh. Only Phil would actually make a list of “rules”. Only Phil.

Before Dan could reply, Phil was typing again.

  Phil :) (10:43 PM)

there. proper rules written on proper paper. you have to follow them now

Dan ^-^ (10:44 PM)

i cant believe that you actually wrote rules you spork

but fine! i guess if i have to lol

Dan was still working heavily with avoiding the whole situation entirely, just like with what he was doing to the problem causing him so much stress to begin with, but he couldn’t help it. It’s just how he was.

  Phil :) (10:46 PM)

so you admit to your crimes xD

but anyways

you were stuck in your head again

which is okay, i mean, i understand that it’s something you cant help

Dan felt like he was going to cry. Phil’s assurance that Dan’s mind running in panicked circles was perfectly okay was almost too much. Phil’s compassion was almost too much.

But it appeared that Phil wasn’t done, because his laptop dinged quietly again.

  Phil :) (10:47 PM)

can i ask whats got you so sad and worried

so i can beat it up

obvs

  Now Dan really wanted to cry. How could he tell Phil that the reason was him? How could he say that the root of this ball of anxiety and stress and worrying that had taken over him was Phil himself?

He couldn’t do that to Phil, not when his best friend would undoubtedly take it hard. God, if Phil knew why Dan kept getting lost in himself, he would be crushed.

  Dan ^-^ (10:51 PM)

noooo

Phil :) (10:51 PM)

are you sure? i wont judge you dan, i swear it doesnt matter if you think i wont like it

i just wanna be here for you

If Dan wasn’t crying earlier, he was now, a few select tears dripping down his cheeks, brimming with the emotions that had been taking over him this past week. Phil was…too much. He was too kind, too sweet, too undeserving of someone like Dan. God, Phil deserved the whole world, he shouldn’t have to settle with Dan.

Another message appeared on Dan’s screen, as but this one didn’t seem like normal, it was a little off, a little rushed, a little…something. Dan couldn’t place it.

  Phil :) (10:53 PM)

bc youre my best friend.

obvs. xD

If Dan wasn’t so out of it and was able to think clearly, he might have questioned Phil’s “clarification” of why and what sense he wanted to be there for him, but Dan was not in the best state of mind and he thought nothing of it.

Dan looked at his screen again. He still had to acknowledge Phil’s question, and he wasn’t sure how to go about it. He wanted to tell Phil he already told him everything, have Phil reassure him and tell him that everything was going to be okay again, like he normally did. But Dan couldn’t. He couldn’t lie again, once was already once too many, and something told Dan that if he tried to ignore it or change the topic, Phil would just call him out again.

Fuck.

  Dan ^-^ (10:56 PM)

it doesnt matter

Phil :) (10:56 PM)

yes it does

its enough to make you get lost in that head of yours, so it matters

Dan ^-^ (10:57 PM)

phil we both know it doesnt take much for me to get lost in my thoughts

Phil :) (10:58 PM)

still

something is bothering you and i want to fix it

Dan bit his lip. God, Phil had no idea how badly he wanted to let him fix this. He couldn’t though. He just couldn’t.

  Dan ^-^ (10:58 PM)

nooo phil, you cant fix this one

Phil :) (10:58 PM)

>:(

you cant even let me try?

  Always, always, but just not with this. Dan couldn’t tell Phil this, not when it would hurt him.

  Dan ^-^ (11:00 PM)

no phil, not with this sorry :(

Phil :) (11:01 PM)

:((((

okay

i may not like it but i can respect that

will you tell me tomorrow?

Dan looked at the screen, thinking about it. Tomorrow was what he was worried about to begin with. Could he tell Phil tomorrow? He wasn’t sure. Well, it didn’t matter if things went good or not, Dan mused, tomorrow Dan’s fears would either be affirmed or destroyed.

He could only hope.

  Dan ^-^ (11:03 PM)

sure

tomorrow

Phil :) (11:03 PM)

yay!!!

  Dan laughed, breathily.

  Phil :) (11:03 PM)

oooh! look at the time!

its getting so late bear wow

guess we should get to sleep so we dont fall asleep on each other tomorrow huh? xD

  Dan’s heart physically melted at the use of Phil’s pet name for him. He only used it occasionally, but it never failed to make Dan’s heart stutter in his chest and the butterflies in his belly to flit around faster, making him feel almost giddy. Hopeful.

God he sounded so stupid right now. Anxious and stressed out of his mind yet still acting like a little kid with their first crush.

Stupid feelings.

  Dan ^-^ (11:05 PM)

yeah i guess we should!

night philly :)

Phil :) (11:05 PM)

goodnight dan!! :D

see you tomorrow!

(ps, idk whats bothering you and thats okay but i hope whatever it is it works out for you :“)  )

Ah yes. That’s what it boiled down to. Tomorrow morning Dan would board a train and take it up to Manchester to spend some time with Phil. The first time that they would see each other in real life, not just behind a computer screen. They had skyped before and texted and chatted for countless hours over countless days, but the thought of tomorrow still made Dan want to throw up.

He wasn’t good enough for Phil. He was just so terrified that tomorrow Phil would see that.

  Dan ^-^ (11:06 PM)

:)

  After hitting send Dan thrust the lid to his laptop down and pushed it off of his chest, letting it fall onto the bed. Dan felt sick again. He was so scared about tomorrow because there were so many things that could go wrong and so many flaws that Phil could discover about Dan and so many, so many, ways for what is supposed to be the best day of Dan’s life to turn out to be his worst.

God, he hated his anxiety for always picking things apart. Always fucking with Dan’s own head.

Dan rolled over and grabbed his duvet, pulling it up and wishing that it would just swallow him whole. Fuck. He couldn’t do it tomorrow. He couldn’t handle this stress.

Taking a deep breath, Dan clutched his duvet tighter in his grasp and tried to keep his lip from wobbling.

Right now he just wanted to sleep. He wanted to forget that he didn’t feel good enough, that yet again his insecurities were screwing him over, that he wanted to cry. He wanted to forget. Unfortunately for Dan the universe didn’t agree and he ended up staying awake for hours after the he had closed his laptop, the entire time doing nothing but thinking, getting lost in his head, and wishing that his thoughts would just turn off.

For once.

Please.

~~~~~~

Dan slung his bag over his shoulder. His fingers felt numb. Unlike his greatest hopes, the fitful-at-best night’s sleep did nothing to alleviate Dan’s terror. If anything, it had only magnified it because now it was today and Dan couldn’t run anymore.

He took a cab to the station, and he ended up being earlier than he needed to be, having about an extra ten minutes to wait for his train. He sat on a bench, his legs nothing but jelly at this point, his fears making it quite easy to foresee his long legs from just giving out on him. Dan didn’t want to make an embarrassment of himself on top of it all, so he tried to calm his racing heart while he sat.

With no luck.

Of course.

Dan looked down at the ticket in his hand. It would be so easy to not go. To walk right out of the station, spend the weekend at home instead of with Phil, and not risk Phil seeing how utterly underwhelming Dan was as a person. He could lie, could say that he ran late, missed his train, maybe his parents changed their minds and didn’t let Dan go.

But God, as Dan looked down at the paper in his trembling hand, he couldn’t help but know that he wouldn’t be able to actually go through with not leaving. He wouldn’t be able to lie to Phil, not about something this big—who was he kidding, he had a hard enough time lying to Phil last night over something so small!

But more than that, Dan knew that it was much more than not being able to lie to Phil. He had wanted to meet Phil ever since he had started to watch his videos, and the sentiment had only increased tenfold with their fast friendship. Phil was now much more than a hero, much more than a few minutes of distraction. He was Phil, Dan’s AmazingPhil, and he was his best friend. That lanky black-haired boy was worth so so much in Dan’s eyes, and he couldn’t, couldn’t, leave him in the dust like that. God it wouldn’t just kill Phil, but it would kill Dan too. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself.

Dan had been thinking too hard. Before he knew it the train was pulling into the station and Dan gulped, raising on still-shaky legs and gripping the strap of his bag so hard he didn’t even have to look to know that his knuckles were blotched white.

As Dan took his seat, a new resolve washed over him. He would go. He would endure this train ride that undoubtedly would be the most anxiety-inducing thing he had done in a very long time—possibly ever—and he would do it for Phil. If Phil would reject him or not, he would try not to dwell on it on the coming trip (a losing battle, Dan knew), but he would still go.

For Phil.

~~~~~

Dan’s heart was going so fast he was sure that he was going to pass out. His hands, his arms, legs, his whole body was trembling.

Manchester’s Piccadilly Station.

Dan was here.

There was a decent amount of people on the station as far as Dan could see as the train pulled in, but none of them looked like his best friend.

The train came to a stop and Dan stood, the first to make it to the doors and there when they opened.

Strangely enough, when the doors pulled open and Dan took a step out into the station, he stopped trembling. His heart slowed—not by much, but it slowed—and this whole thing didn’t seem quite as scary. Sure, Dan’s thoughts were still screaming in his head, sure, his anxiety was still off the charts, and sure, his hands were still sweaty and his breath was still shallow but still. It was as if a calm had washed over him.

Dan wasn’t sure what to make of it. Maybe he was just going into shock.

People busied around him, walking this way and that, talking into cell phones, to other people, some silent. Dan, unsure of everything right now, followed where the general push of people were guiding him, the whole time craning his head, looking for his Phil. He tried not to panic. He tried.

But with every second the calm that had overtook him was shrinking and his anxiety steadily increased.

Did Phil forget? Did he stand me up? Oh God he’s not coming he didn’t come-

"Dan!”

Dan whirled around at the sound of his name, uttered by a voice that sounded so much better when it wasn’t distorted by their shitty computer’s speakers.

Before Dan could register really anything, he was being engulfed in a hug, two strong arms wrapping themselves around Dan’s shoulders, pulling him flush against the figure.

Against Phil.

And instantly all of the shouting in Dan’s head was gone. The slight tremble in his hands vanished, and for the first time in a week, his anxiety was gone without a trace. Dan felt like crying.

Dan gasped in surprise, his brain taking a moment to reboot because Phil didn’t forget, didn’t stand him up, didn’t change his mind, and suddenly Dan felt very, very stupid because how could he ever think that Phil would do something like that. This was Phil, the kindest person on the planet.

Phil pulled away, just a little, just enough so they could see each other’s faces, and Dan had to keep himself from pulling Phil back in.

His smile was so wide, easily the widest Dan had ever seen it. And his eyes, oh God those eyes were a thousand times clearer, a thousand times more mesmerizing than behind a screen. Dan didn’t doubt for a second that he could stand here and look into them for the rest of the day without tiring of their never-ending beauty. Fuck. Why did his eyes have to be so gorgeous.

Dan tore his eyes away from Phil’s and looked over the rest of him, from his broad shoulders that Dan wanted to wrap his arms around, to the tussle of his hair that Dan craved to run his fingers through and the line of his jaw that Dan felt the need to trace. Double fuck. Why did the entirety of Phil have to be gorgeous.

“Dan! I can’t believe you’re here! I have today all planned out; I’m going to show you everything!” Phil said excitedly, a twinkle as clear as day in his eyes. Phil was practically vibrating with excitement and it made a smile spread over Dan’s features. Phil’s happiness was contagious.

Phil stopped his rambling, looking down at Dan sheepishly.

“I mean, if that’s all okay with you. If you don’t want to do something that’s okay, I totally get it. We can do anything you want, I-”

Dan tilted his head back and laughed, laughed because Phil seemed nervous. Phil was nervous and it was adorable.

“Yeah, yeah Phil it’s all fine. All of it, don’t worry. I just can’t believe you want to do it all with me.”

Phil’s smile faded a little, and the twinkle in his eye got that much smaller. He looked a little sad.

“Was this what you were so worried about? That I wouldn’t like you?”

Dan bit his lip and looked down, giving a little nod.

Phil pulled Dan right back into a hug, but this time it felt even more real, and it was impossibly tighter. It felt like Phil was pulling all of Dan’s lost pieces together. Phil’s voice was in his ear.

“Of course I like you, Dan. You’re my best friend. I like you more than anyone else. Promise.”

Dan might have just felt like crying, in that moment. Phil accepted him. He wasn’t going to leave him. Things were okay. They were okay.

He knew that this would hit him later, maybe tonight when he had a chance to process things. He’d probably cry out of relief, but it would all be okay because Phil would be there to hold him together and ease all of Dan’s worries.

Soon enough they set off, hand in hand, and Dan was smiling so wide, so, so wide. He couldn’t have been happier with how things had turned out.

Dan looked sideways at Phil, trying to not be too obvious.

This had worked out so maybe, just maybe, something else could work out for him.

~~~~~

Dan stood at the window, a cup of coffee in his hand. It was early, and he could see the technicolor dream across the sky that was that morning’s sunrise. The steam from his coffee rose from the rim of the cup and slowly diffused into nothing; tendril-like hands wisped up and around Dan’s neck.

It had been nearly nine years.

Dan’s nervousness and dark thoughts never ceased to plague him, however, he learned to deal with it better. He could confidently say that he has never been happier.

It had been nearly nine years, and they were still inseparable. Their channels had grown exponentially, and they boasted an insanely large fan community.

As the years had gone by, their strong, unbreakable friendship slowly blossomed into something remarkably beautiful. Their long Skype calls turned into late night kisses, and they had been happily in love for nearly nine years.

Dan twisted the ring on his third finger. As well as being happily in love, they were also engaged to be married within the next year. Lately, he’d been waking up in complete disbelief.

The thing Dan had wanted so desperately to work out for him did, and in the most perfectly perfect way possible.

[thesecrets-wekeep]

I have to get this off of my chest.

I have a past, it’s been complicated, fun, confusing, all the usual things that people go through. I got married so young at 19, things happened. Life happened. Maybe I will go into depth later. My point is, I settled down so young. Never had any flings, never really had a lot of guys I thought were interested (I was a BABY though, of course they weren’t). Anywho. I’m a nurse, RN of three years, and I work in a prison. Naturally, most of the staff (aside from medical) are men. This has made my life a soap opera at times. Let me preface this story by saying, I have never cheated on my husband...but that isn’t the case for most others, which will be obvious here in a second.

So, I’m a flirt. I can’t help it, my husband has accepted it, and I am a WIDE open book with him. We’ve been through some shit, felt for other people, split for a minute. You know, the got married young stuff. However, I have never truly gotten myself into a situation like I did 2 nights ago.

I work PRN now, so I pick up shifts that aren’t covered by full time staff. This is new as of January, and so far so good! So I picked up 2 night shifts this week. Tuesday night was relatively calm, no issues or strange situations. Wednesday comes, it’s midnight, and I have to respond to an emergency medical situation. The situation at hand was not too bad, the patient was fine. I cleared him after about 40 minutes of care. During the time I was seeing him, there was a Sergeant in medical with me and hot damn. I had probably looked at him more times than I looked at the patient I was seeing. I mean, hot damn hot damn.

I have been known to be pretty out there with my feelings. I’m a Pisces. People always know where they stand with me. So being who I am, I thought to myself “if I have a second, I’m going to tell him how handsome he is.” And it was as if the Devil himself heard my thoughts and within 3 minutes of my emergency calming down and everyone leaving he came back in to talk to me about it quickly. There was another nurse in the nurses station, but as he was walking out of the hallway I thought what better time than now then to just lay it out there that he basically took my breath away.

Me: “You know, I really hope that you don’t take this the wrong way, but you are so handsome!”

Sgt: “—uh, what?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t mean anything by it, I just wanted to let you know that you are so handsome. When you walked in I was a little taken aback.”

Sgt: “oh my goodness, you’re going to make me blush!”

*giggling as I walked away to walk into the ER room to clean up*

Me: “I just wanted to let you know that!*

Sgt *jokingly*: “oh well do you want to talk?”

Me: “oh, well are you married then? *giggles* nah, I’m just kidding. I hope you have a good night!”

Sgt: “Thank you, you too!”

So at that point the Sgt left the medical building and I thought that was that. Now, I would be lying if that part of me that is human and vulnerable pretended like I didn’t want to see him again-because I did. The nurse with me in the nurses station heard it all, and of course hollered from the other room “ooooooh girl!!!!” when I complimented him, but it was overall a realitively innocent conversation.

I finish up all my documentation, and at about 0100 I start to head over to my next unit to finish up my nightly work. I walked out of the building with the nurse, but right as we were about to actually leave, there he was. I was about to walk out of the door and I hear my name.

Sgt: “Hey! Can you sign this paperwork for me?”

Me: “Of course I can, I’ll do anything for you.” (Light heartidly)

It was obvious to me as I signed his paper that he was wanting to talk to me. He struck up small talk conversation about what unit I’m from, why he’s never seen me before. He told me I was really pretty, complimented my hair, and then asked for my phone number. It was at this point that I started to skirt in the conversation. “I can’t. I’m married” I told him. “So am I.” Oh yikes. “Then you should behave!!” I said. “I do behave, but how else am I supposed to find you?” Keep in mind, in prison we don’t have our phone. It isn’t like we can just look each other up on Facebook or Snapchat right there. I felt a little pressured after a bit more of the conversation. “I will give it to you, but only if you promise to behave.” “I’m a good guy.” He says.

I write down my number. He asks if I have to leave to the other unit. Yes. We had only talked for 5-10 minutes, but I knew he was married, had 3 kids, had been with the department for 9 years, doesn’t usually work graves (he’s day shift officer covering for 1 night), and that he was still sexy as shit. Blushing, flirting. Ugh, the pang of guilt. But I had not done anything wrong....I wouldn’t. It isn’t who I am. I can handle this. To be honest, I’ve handled way more flirting than this before. It’s going to be ok. I leave to the other unit.

I get to the unit I was planning to stay at around 0130. The other nurse on complex calls me and asks me for some medications. Of course they are back on the unit I just left. I let him know I’m going to eat and then I will go check in an hour or so. Secretly, I was giddy to go back. I hoped I would see the Sgt again.

Around 0300, I head back. Disappointment filled me when I walked in and he wasn’t at his desk. That’s ok, I have a job to do. I refocus and head back to the medical building. I go in and start to look for the medication. I was only going into 1 office, so I left the lights off. I couldn’t see anything but the office I was in. I hear a door, look up quickly because I was scared, and was relieved to see him. He comes into the nurses station.

*jokingly* “Do you have a radar on me?”

Sgt: “No! Of course not. I had to come check some logs.”

“Suuuuuuuuuure.” I said, hoping that he would stay and talk. And he did.

We chatted about a few other things, just general life things. He stood in the doorway and I had gotten closer to him to try and get out of the office, but he didn’t budge. So, I just backed up a little and took it as a sign he just wanted to chat for a bit. No biggy.

“Wow. You really have beautiful eyes.” And “I think it was really bold of you to just compliment me like that. I like that. A lot.”

I started blushing. It was out of control. I was tingling in places I hadn’t tingled in a while. Oh, this is getting serious. Someone calls him on the radio; perfect opportunity to get us out of this little officer. We move into a larger office right next to the one we were in so he can use the phone. I sit on a desk close by him. To be honest, I was drinking him in. Man. He is so handsome. Tall, dark, his accent is so adorable. He’s nervous. I can tell by the way he’s standing. I don’t know why. I’m honestly nothing spectacular, thicccc with a few c’s, just pretty regular. It’s cute, though.

He gets off the phone and walks toward me. He gets really REALLY close to me, starts complimenting me again. He reaches up to stroke my face. Uh oh. This can’t be happening. I instantly hop off the cabinet and begin to distance myself from him. I know what’s happening. So I say “ok, well I’m going to go ahead and get out of here.” I walk to turn off the small office light and shut the door. Then before I knew it I was cornered and being pulled in. Oh Lord Jesus take the wheel. His face was coming toward me, I could see it in his eyes what was about to happen. I pulled away, pivoted, and walked backward. He was so close. I don’t even know him. Instantly I begin to wonder what I did to prompt this. Yeah, a little flirty...but I don’t even know how to properly pronounce his last name! I’ve gone and done it now.

“Think about your wife and kids! I could never ever ever do this!”

“But what if I don’t see you again?” He says

I didn’t really respond. I didn’t know how to respond. I wasn’t sure how this all happened so fast. I didn’t think that was the impression I was giving off, obviously I was wrong.

I asked “how many times have you done this before?”

Him: “not many...”

Me: “not many?????”

Him: “how many times have you?”

Me: “never!”

I felt a little guilty. I think we both could have handled it better...but we are both married! I would hate to do that to another woman. I’ve been the wife before, it fucking sucks.

I asked him to walk out with me. I didn’t want him to think I hated him. I don’t. I also know he was embarrassed, and I didn’t want that either. I just think we were caught up in the moment and just shooting our shot. I just care too much. I don’t want a fling, I want to love you. It’s a problem, I know it.

He walked out with me, but didn’t stay with me too long. We parted ways and that was that. I almost felt like it wasn’t even me. I was watching a movie, and the main character that lives an unusually mundane life was really getting some action!

It’s been a couple days and I haven’t heard from him. I don’t know if I want to or not...I can’t tell how I feel, honestly. On one hand, I’m hella appalled at how he just came on to me so strong so fast, but on the other hand I’m hella impressed and flattered.

I have only told one person, my best friend I can confide in with everything. I trust her. My only fear is if he says something. Word gets around quickly there. I hope he doesn’t go there. I hope he just leaves it alone.

All I have to say in conclusion is that, things like this just don’t happen to regular people like me and I’m shocked. Also, he is still sexy as fuck.