#but I am now feeling temporarily very sick and bored so also please talk to me

[adiduck]

I have tricked my body into thinking that I have contracted both COVID and flu simultaneously via vaccinations.

It is not happy with this trick. It did not find it funny. I am now in bed propped up on many pillows.

Entertainment plz? 🥺🥺🥺

[dresupi]

Be True - Fremione

for @that-wimpy-cowboy-doll​ Fred Weasley/Hermione Granger Rated T 2,402 words

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hermione, please,” Ron pleaded.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, letting it out again slowly before she could bear to respond to what was likely the very last thing she wanted to hear. It was Valentine’s Day, and for once, she wasn’t tied down to anyone.  She was going to spend a night in watching movies with a friend.

True, a friend who she’d very much like to be more than a friend. A friend who made all of this so much more complicated than she’d wanted. It was also true that her ‘friend’ was her ex’s brother, but that was allowed. Especially when the ex had left her over a year ago, and her ‘friend’ had been there for her.

Her friend was Fred. Fred was the friend. The friend who she’d very much like to be more than a friend.

Merlin, how could she have thought this could ever happen without it being complicated?

She must have been temporarily addled because she could see now that there wasn’t any way this could work. If she dated Fred now, she’d hurt Ron.

Never mind that Ron had hurt her. Greatly. How dare he come back just when she was getting comfortable? When she’d dusted herself off and had come to terms with the long-standing crush she’d seemingly always had on Fred, and was almost ready to act on it?

“Ron, don’t do this,” she groaned.

“Why not, Mione? We belong together. I see that now.”

“You don’t see anything other than you’ve made your rounds and all the witches have your number and know you’re not the marrying kind. So you’ve circled back to me.”

Ron actually looked offended. “That’s what you think of me?” he asked, his voice rising at the end of the sentence to the point where it might have been comical if this conversation were about anything else.

“This is what you think of me?” she asked. “You think I’m this stupid, Ronald? You and I didn’t work. We didn’t. I see that now. You want a different life than I do.”

“But that’s the thing. I want to get married now,” he said. “I’m tired of coming home to an empty flat. I want you to be there. Waiting for me when I get home.” He reached for her hands, she kept them limp.

The sad thing was, he probably thought he was being sweet.

Hermione sighed again. “That’s just it. I don’t want to wait for you.” She tugged her hands from his. “I haven’t been for nearly a year and it’s been the best I’ve felt about myself. There is someone out there for you, Ron. Someone who will wait for you and will be happy to do it. I’m not that someone. Now come,” she placed both hands on his shoulders and steered him to the fireplace. “Go on back home and eat some ice cream. Watch some sad movies and get over this, because it’s not happening.”

“You-you’re rushing me out of here, aren’t you?” Ron stammered. “It’s Valentine’s Day. You’ve got a bloke coming over don’t you?”

“That doesn’t matter! You’ve had loads of women since we broke up, what gives you the right to be angry with me?” she asked, indignant at his lack of common sense.

He spluttered a bit, sounding a lot like the time her father’s car had stalled out, the engine made sounds similar to the ones Ron was making now.

“Besides, not that it matters, but he’s just a friend.”

Even she didn’t believe that.

“Just a friend who comes calling on Valentine’s Day? In your home?” Ron snorted derisively and Hermione scrambled to think of what she could say to convince him otherwise when at that precise and inopportune moment, the fireplace popped and fizzled. Fred stepped out amidst a green glow onto her living room carpet and reached up to brush the soot from his hair.

“Oh,” Ron wheezed out a combination sigh of relief and a laugh. “Here I was thinking you had a bloke, and it’s just Fred.” He patted Fred on the shoulder. “Had me going there for a second.  Carry on, carry on. I’ll see you later, Mione.”

She set her jaw and sighed. “No you won’t, just go.”

Fred had something tucked up under his arm. But he sent it shrinking and into his pocket while he watched Ron go. He turned back to her, his eyes scanning her face quizzically. “You alright, Mione?”

She chuckled a little. “I am, not sure about him. He’s gone positively barmy.”

“What was that about?” he asked, tilting his head towards the fireplace.

“That was Ron leaving after literally begging me to take him back. He’s delusional,” she said, huffing out a sigh. “It figures he would have done just as I was coming to terms with everything. Bloody nutter, mucking about for a year and then begging me to take him back. That’s just like him, you know!”  She grumbled under her breath for a moment before glancing over at Fred, who was staring at her like her hair had turned green and it was his fault. Like he was sorry for her or something. Which wasn’t the tone she’d intended at all. “I’m fine, I just need some tea.”

“I can get that,” Fred offered.

“No, no, I’ll do it the muggle way, I need the distraction for a moment,” she replied, turning to sulk off to the kitchen and curse Ronald Bilius Weasley under her breath the entire way.

“He’s my brother, you know,” Fred said suddenly from behind her, and Hermione was just about to collapse into so many apologies when he continued. “He’s my brother, and I know I”m supposed to love him and all, but he’s a dimwitted moron with dust for brains and I’m sorry he did this.”

Hermione closed her eyes and nodded. She ran water into the kettle and placed it on the stove. “It’s not your fault, Fred.”

It wasn’t. It wasn’t his fault that Ron had mucked up everything. That she now couldn’t rightly tell Fred what she wanted to tell him because it would hurt Ron and likely divide the Weasley family. And there was always the chance that Fred didn’t return her feelings at all. If she were to confess her feelings, she’d not only lose Fred, she’d likely cement her position as Weasley enemy number one.  A wretched trollop who broke one brother’s heart while trying to get into another’s robes.

No, it wasn’t Fred’s fault at all. He hadn’t asked for any of it.

“I had a year to move on, I should have done when I had the chance,” she sighed.

“That’s codswallop, Mione.”

“What?”

“You can still move on. You don’t have to put everything on hold just because my idiot of a brother can’t make up his mind. You’ve made yours up, I can tell. Don’t lie to yourself out of some misplaced affection for him. He isn’t the only one who matters, you know. In fact, I’d say that when it comes to you, Ron shouldn’t matter at all.”

The kettle whistled and she quickly turned off the burner and poured the water over her tea, inhaling the aroma as the steam carried it to her nose.

“I suppose you’re right,” she acquiesced, vowing to change the subject. “What did you bring me?”

Fred’s eyebrows raised comically. “What makes you think I brought you anything, you daft witch?”

She fought back a grin. “I saw you hide it in your pocket when you stepped through the fireplace. What’d you bring me?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he teased, taking a seat at her kitchen table and forcing her to Accio whatever it was from his pockets.

Of course, when she did, she was forced to hold the shrunken down box in her hand for a long moment, glaring at Fred.

“What’s that look for? You’ve got the thing, haven’t you?” His eyes twinkled and while Hermione knew it was exactly what he was after, she glared all the harder. “Fine, fine. You’re so picky. You want your gift, but you want it life-size. How completely boring of you, Hermione.”

“That’s me,” she deadpanned. “Boring as sin.”

“See, to me, that means you’re not boring at all because sin isn’t very boring,” he argued, flicking his wand and muttering the counter-incantation to turn it back to life-size once more.

“That’s your opinion,” she countered, looking at the now right-size box in front of her. “What is it?”

“See, a normal witch would have torn it open by now. I’m not sure you understand how presents work, love.”

She rolled her eyes and pulled the lid off the box, only to stop short when she saw what was inside.

By all outward appearances, they looked to be salted cream caramels from a lovely little sweet shop near her parent’s home. But this was Fred, so they could really be anything.

“These won’t make me puke rainbows or anything, will they?”

Fred sighed heavily as if he were the one who was greatly put upon here. “They’re from your favourite sweet shop in Muggle London. I Muggled up to go there and buy them for you, and you ask me if they’re going to make you puke? Why would I make you puke on Valentine’s Day, Granger?”

“Because you’re you,” she countered, pointing at him in a very accusatory way.

“That’s a fair cop, but I wouldn’t do that on Valentine’s. Your birthday, perhaps, but not Valentine’s.” He placed one hand over his heart and one in the air. “Trickster’s honor, I didn’t meddle with them.”

“That’s exactly what a trickster would say if he did meddle with them.” She reached for one and sniffed it.

“Merlin’s beard, woman.” Fred yanked it out of her hand and popped it in his mouth, chewing. “Shall I eat them all, or do you believe me now?”

“There’s over fifty here. You’d be puking something if you ate all of them.”

“But not rainbows,” he replied, grabbing another from a different part of the box.  After no rainbows, glitter, or fireworks issued from his mouth, she gingerly chose one of her own and ate it.

It was, of course, delicious. As illustrated by the groan that did issue from her mouth the second the decadent sweet touched her tongue. “Oh, I could eat myself sick on these,” she murmured.

“So you like them?” Fred asked.

“I do. But I’m afraid I didn’t get anything for you, didn’t know we were doing gifts.”

“I thought you were making me dinner,” he said with a shrug. “Not that I’m demanding it or anything.”

Hermione arched an eyebrow and flicked her wand to get things started. “As you wish, kind sir.”

Fred rolled his eyes. “Said I didn’t demand it.”

She shrugged and reached for another caramel. “Didn’t say you did.”

“Mione, um…” His tone had changed. It was lighter. Quieter.  “You know that whatever you choose to do, I’ll support you, right?  George and Ginny would too. No matter what any of us say to the contrary. Don’t feel you have to try to work things out with Ron. Or that you have to dump his arse to the curb either. We just want you to be happy.”

“Awfully nice of you to relay the message for all of you,” she said with a short laugh. She reached for another sweet, and Fred’s fingers closed around her hand. “I just want you to be happy, Hermione.”

Her skin burned where he touched her. And when she looked up into his eyes, it only got worse. Or better, whichever way one wished to look at it.

Hermione licked her lips and decided to call it better.

“Really?”

“Truly,” he insisted, running his thumb over the back of her hand before letting it go. She pushed up from her seat and grabbed for his lapels, pulling him back closer so she could kiss him.

He’d started talking just before her lips met his, so she pulled back. “What?”

“Table’s in the way,” he muttered, sending it sliding across the floor and pulling her into his arms. One wrapped around her waist, the other cupped her chin and tilted her amicably so he could kiss her properly.

A bit dramatic, but effective, nonetheless.

“I really, really hope these aren’t delayed puking sweets,” she mumbled.

“Hush you,” he replied, nuzzling her nose with his before finding her lips once more.

“What are we going to tell--”

“Can you just enjoy a moment without having to think it to death?”

“No,” she answered. “You know this about me.”

He sighed. “Merlin help me, I love that about you. Even if I’d rather just snog you silly instead.”

“Maybe we could just keep this quiet--”

“Nah,” he shook his head.

“What? Why?”

“I’ve been wanting this for a while now, Mione. I’m not going to keep it quiet because it might hurt ickle Ronnykins’ precious feelings. He’s a grown man who made many mistakes. Which worked out well for me, so…” He shrugged.

“Your mum--”

“Will be thrilled that you’ve both moved on from Ronald and are still dating one of her sons,” he assured her. “Best of both worlds for her, I’d wager. Now, if you’ve finished worrying about everyone else in the entire world…”

Hermione grinned. “Fine. Snog me silly.”

“Oh, I intend to.” She giggled and he kissed the tip of her nose before moving down to her lips. “Doing my job for me, I see.”

“I can’t help it, I’m too happy.”

“Good.”

He’d just started to move in again when she spoke.

“Do you think we should--”

He groaned. “Hermione.”

“Go in the other room?” she continued. “I’ve a rather comfortable sofa in there.”

He clasped her hand and tugged her along after him. “Fine, but no more interruptions.” He pulled out his wand and cast a warming charm on the dinner before they collapsed in a pile on the sofa.

He pulled her into his lap, lips brushing over her jaw and she raked both hands through his hair, catching and holding his gaze for a long moment.

“Get a good look?” he asked, cheeky to a fault.

“I might have done,” she whispered.

“Hermione, please kiss me.”

She didn’t have to be asked again.

[mitts2002]

Long lost twin AU

Hii so this will be a miya twins fic about the brothers if they met each other in secondary school instead if growing up together. It's inspired by the movie parent trap~ It won't be a very long fic probably like 4 chapters I guess maybe more maybe less but I hope you all enjoy! 

ALSO Osamu didn't dye his hair in this au as I believe he wouldn't dye it if it weren't for atsumu. Whereas atsumu seems like he'd do it regardless of having a brother or not.

Chapter 1 - Who the fuck are you?

Miya Atsumu wished he could have a different life. He was tired of working hard at school to get a good future job and then working hard after school at his part time job to help out his dad but he had no choice. Food had to get on the table somehow and him acting like a brat wasn't gonna solve anything. So he pushed away his tiredness and got back to work.

Miya Osamu wished he could have a different life. He was tired of having everything handed to him on a plate. He was bored and wanted a challenge. Sure all the clubs, school, piano lessons and friends he had helped his boredom but only temporarily. At the end of the day he would go back to his room alone sick of this endless routine.

“Atsumu! Can you go the shops and get me some rice please?” 

“Alright dad I was gonna go to this new sports store that opened up today so can I bring it on my way back!”

“Sure just don't take too long

“I won't” Atsumu lied. They both knew he would get too distracted by the volleyball section and eventually remember the rice a good 30 minutes later, but today was different. Atsumu for once was distracted by something that wasn't volleyball in fact volleyball was now the last thing on the blondes mind.

“Osamu sweetie can you go to the shop and get some milk?

“Alright i'll be back in a bit”

Osamu grabbed his bag and wallet and left the house. The walk to the store was about 10 minutes so he pulled out his headphones and began to listen to music. Osamu entered the shop and walked to the dairy aisle but just as he was about to grab the milk he heard a loud voice.

“YOU STOLE MY FACE YOU BASTARD”

Osamu was LOST. What the hell is that supposed to mean? Was he talking to him? Steal his face, how the hell is that possible? Obviously this strange boy was insane, no sane being would accuse someone of doing that. Osamu thought that until he turned around and was met with his own face.

Well not his face exactly but an exact replica. The only difference that could be identified was the brightly dyed hair and brown eyes staring back at him.

“Who the fuck are you?” Osamu didn't intend for it to come out that cold but he was in shock and confused. The darker tones in his voice had clearly made the boy next to him cautious enough to step back and Osamu couldn't help but feel guilt for this stranger who looked just like him.

“Miya Atsumu...my name” The blonde muttered 

“Miya Osamu, do you know what's going on by any chance?

“I HAVE NO IDEA BUT LOOK AT US WE MUST BE TWINS!”

Miya atsumu was loud. His yelling had captured the attention of most customers in the store and Osamu disliked that.

“Can you shut yer mouth yer so loud!”

“Says you, yer yelling back!”

The boys bickered back and forth as if they had known each other their whole lives. They didn't understand the situation too well but that wasn't important at the moment. This meeting felt right as if it were fate. The rice and milk was long forgotten as they both left the store to go chat at a local cafe.

“So what exactly have ya been doing these past 17 years, I'm assuming you are 17 if we’re twins” Osamu has asked, curious to know more about the boy in front of him.

“Hmm well I live with my dad- Our dad I guess and we don't live here, I just came to the city to check out some volleyball gear at this new shop that opened up. My dad works a lot and i also work on the weekends and sometimes even after school which is tiring but i gotta make ends meet you get me”

Osamu didn't get him. He couldn't really relate living comfortably in the city but he took a bite out of his cake and hummed in agreement while he let Atsumu ramble on and on about his life.

“So what about you?” 

The black haired male sighed “well i live here in the city with our mum and she has a pretty high paying job so i don't really have to work. That doesn't mean i slack on my studies though”

“HOLD UP OUR MUMS RICH AND NO ONE TOLD ME- NO I HAVE A DAMN TWIN AND NONE OF OUR PARENTS HAD THE DECENCY TO TELL US!”

“I get that your pissed trust me i am too but it is what it is” 

Atsumu was fascinated by his brother. The boy sitting opposite him with the same facial features, same expressions and same blood seemed so like him yet so different. He noticed how Osamu seemed more mellow but still had a temper just like him. They way Osamu seemed more reserved yet was comfortable around him despite meeting just today. It was refreshing.

‘I could get used to this’ Atsumu thought to himself, smiling gently at his brother who went more into depth about himself and his likes while scoffing down some of the cakes they bought.

The pair had stayed at the cafe chatting the evening away. They couldn't care less about what their parents had to say after what they've done. They were not a priority at the moment. Their biggest priority now was getting to know the long lost twin they never met until now.

All they could care about was one another. The twin they never knew they needed was here and each of them were set on never letting the other go.

They laughed, and ate and argued a lot but they felt complete. The twins were content and relieved that they had met sooner rather than later. But all good things must come to an end and it was time for the boys to part ways.

Not even minutes after they departed Osamu got a call from his brother.

“Osamu, you remember the plan right! Just go to school, make sure to do my shifts and act like me in front of dad”

“I'M NOT A DUMBASS! We went over this like 10 times and we've already dyed our hair. There's no going back now, just remember to keep on top of my studies and act calm around my friends. We don't see mum too much so that shouldn't be a problem and go to my piano classes”

“Alright i got it let's just live each other's lives for one week then confront mum and dad!”

“Sounds like a plan, alright I'll see ya in a week. Message if ya need anything”

They ended the call and both twins suddenly felt nerves as well as excitement. Living each other's lives couldn't be that hard in fact it will be a piece of cake. Little did they know that this would be the hardest thing they've ever had to do.

[girlinthepictureframe]

The Briefest Kiss Part 13

Thank you for all your kind words and likes and reblogs! ❤️ This story is now on AO3 as well. Here’s the link for those of you who are interested! 

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20921534/chapters/49736201

Present Day 

April 2019

Alex sat in the back of the chartered jet, on route to Argentina with the rest of the Monkeys. Matt and Jamie were joking around in the front while Nick had fallen asleep half an hour ago. He'd like to get some rest as well, but it just wouldn't come to him. Instead, he kept checking the time. Still too early to call, wasn't it? “Fuck it,” he murmured and pressed dial. 

Miles picked up after the first ring. 

“Good morning, Miles. This is Alex, calling for our fourth, scheduled 'let's have a phone friendship'-call. How are you this morning?” The disdain for their situation, but mostly for Miles' idea of a separation, dripped from every syllable. 

“You ever start a conversation with me like that again,” snipped Miles from across the ocean, “I'll hang up. Got it?”

Alex rolled his eyes. “Too early for your sense of humor, ey?”

“No,” retorted Miles. “But this is the fourth time you call me and use that passive-aggressive tone of yours and you know how much that tone pisses me off, which means you're doing it on purpose. You're mad at me and I get it, okay? You don't like this. Well, guess what?” said Miles as his voice got louder, “I don't like it either. But it is what it is. And for what it's worth, you and I are busy. You're doing your tour and I'm doing mine, so it's not as though I'm stopping us from hanging out at some beach or whatever!”

Alex knew that. He knew Miles was busy. He was busy, himself. And if fucking annoyed him that he hated that fact. He ought to be enjoying it. It was the last leg of their tour and it had been a good tour! He should be having the time of his life at the moment. Instead he felt trapped. Worse, he felt shut out of Miles' life. “That's not what I'm saying! But you're the one who decided that we need distance. And then you fucking kicked me out of your apartment! So excuse me for being a little bitter about that!” 

“I didn't kick you out, Al.”

“Yes, you did. Call it whatever you want, but that's what it was.” After that night, they hadn't spoken for half a week aside from the occasional and impersonal text message. And Mexico had been no different. Miles had barely spent any time with him and when he had, they had always been around other people. Never alone. “You're treating me as though all of this is my fault.”

Silence fell over them. A few moments passed before Miles spoke up. “I'm sorry. That wasn't my intention.” Another beat. “You’re different than I am. I always worry and my head is filled with different scenarios of all that could go wrong. You let your heart guide you. You're reckless. And I don't mean that in a bad or mean or insulting way. I'm just trying to explain myself. I fear I'm not doing well with that.”

Alex leaned back, closed his eyes. “Are you blaming me for that kiss?”

“No, no.”

“Sounds like it, Mi.”

“You told me to lose control, Al!”

“So you are blaming me!” He took offense. “I was caught up in a moment,” Alex reminded him. “You're the one who kissed me all slow and…” The memory of it caused a shiver to run up his spine. “You know well enough how you kissed me!” 

“I know what I did,” snapped Miles. “Why the fuck do you think I'm staying away from you, huh? I told you I can't control it.”

“Stop punishing me for that,” bit Alex back. 

Silence fell over them again. Alex took a few deep breaths, rubbed the weariness from his eyes and leaned forward, propping his heavy head up on his hand. 

“I feel like I'm losing my mind,” admitted Miles, breaking the quietness. “I don't want to snap at you. Alex, I miss you! But all it takes is one look at you and all my resolve melts away.”

“So does mine,” said Alex defensively. “I wasn't trying to seduce you,” he whispered, occasionally remembering that he wasn't alone on that plane. “But whenever we're that close, I just forget everything else. My mind blanks and all that's left is…you know what!” He sat up straight again. “You barely talked to me in Mexico. You treated me like a stranger! That hurt.”

“Louise was there!” Miles shot back. “That—”

“That what?” demanded Alex to know when Miles abruptly stopped speaking. 

“I didn't want to be in the way,” finished Miles, using words that Alex could tell were chosen carefully.  

“That's not what you wanted to say, Miles! Don't lie to me!” 

“It fucking hurt, okay? Happy now? Is that what you wanted to hear?”

Was it? Alex didn't know. If that's what he wanted to hear, didn't that also imply he had purposely paraded her around in front of Miles? Had he done that? Was he that sick of a bastard? Had he been that bitter about Miles' wish for a bit of space? And how could he have known that her presence would hurt him? “That’s not…”

“Damn it, Al! What are we doing?”

“I don't know, Mi.”

“You know, yesterday, I was actually looking forward to our call. I had this idea for a riff that I wanted to share. And Victoria told me a joke that I thought you'd really like. I wanted to tell you that my coffee maker broke. I knew you'd be happy to hear that, since you hate that thing so much! All this stuff that real friends talk about.”

Alex would have loved to hear all that. “Then why were you so grumpy when you picked up?” 

“Cause I had just woken up from a dream.”

“And?”

“And you’re not here,” confessed Miles.

Alex felt his eyes grew heavy and his skin turn hot. How he wanted to be there, in bed, with Miles! This early in the morning, the pillows and sheets would be warm and soft and Miles would be, too. He would be sleepy and he would have that lazy, subtle little smile on his face that always let him know that he had dreamt well. Alex would wiggle closer towards him, maybe brush his leg against his dick to tease him just the slightest bit. And he would kiss him. He’d take his time and be tender, until he would know that Miles was awake. Then he would kiss him harder, deeper, vigorously. He’d roll on top of him, grab his arms, pin him down and…

Alex shook his head, swallowed hard. “Oh,” was all he could reply.

Miles seemed to understand. “Exactly.” 

“Should we hang up?” asked Alex, unsure how to handle this whole mess.

“Not yet,” pleaded Miles. “Tell me about your day. Tell me boring things.”

Alex turned to stare out of the window and found the endless horizon staring back at him. “The hotel staff temporarily lost one of Nick's guitars,” he began and took Miles step by step through the day's events. They talked for another hour, about benign little things that carried no meaning at all. At the end of his story about how the Monkeys' driver got lost on his way to the airport, Alex could hear the hoarse, breathy sound of Miles' soft snores. 

The desire to be lying next to him in that moment became almost unbearably painful. That feeling of being stuck returned to him. And there was nothing he could do to make it go away. “Sleep well, Mi,” whispered Alex and ended the call. 

Two weeks later. 

“You really don’t mind if I toss all those guitars into the trash?”

Huh? What? Of course he would mind! These were his guitars! Alex shook his head, turned to stare his father with a look of shock. “Why would you want do that?”

“Jesus Christ!” said David Turner and placed the heavy box with old cables and what-nots onto the floor. “You were listening, then!”

Alex rolled his eyes as he wiped the dirt from his hands. “Yes. Sorry, dad. Got a lot on my mind today.” Even though it was a chilly spring day, he was sweating nonetheless. “How many more boxes are there?” He tried not to sound as annoyed as he felt. “I thought you and Miles already did the heavy lifting?”

“We did a lot of it,” said his dad as he picked the heavy box back up. “But there’s a whole lot of stuff in this garage that I want out. And then we have to paint the ceiling. Else we can’t begin to build the new racks.”

“We?” asked Alex, with dread. 

“You said you were staying for a bit!” 

Only because his mother had promised him that there was no home-improvement planned for the duration of his stay. Otherwise he wouldn’t have shown up. Played. By his parents. Once again! Story of his life. “You know I could pay for people to do all that for you? I’d be happy to!” He’d pay a fortune not to have to do the work himself! 

“Where’s the fun in that, son?” He handed the heavy box to Alex. “Go put that with the other stuff. Your mother and I are very appreciative of the fact that you so generously want to spend your hard-earned money on us, but every once in a while she and I like doing a bit of the work ourselves!”

Why, Alex would never understand. But what choice did a son have than to buckle up and help! So he went and put the box with the other stuff. 

“Want to tell me what’s on your mind?” asked David as he rummaged through a bucket filled with nuts, bolts and screws. 

“You’ll never need those again,” pointed Alex out, only to receive a stern glare in return.

“You don’t know that!” He picked the bucket up and handed it to Alex. “Go put that—”

“With the other stuff,” finished Alex. Bloody thing weighed a ton! “Nice of you to offer your ear but…” 

“I’m not your mother?” His father chuckled. “She may understand the matters of your heart a bit better than I do, but you’ve been glum and moody for almost a year now. If her words haven’t helped you by now, maybe it’s time you give me a chance.”

Alex smiled. And felt bad. He had great parents, didn’t he? He shouldn’t have spent the day bitching about helping with the garage. “How about a break, dad? Do you want something to drink?”

“A coffee would be quite welcome at the moment. There’s a new coffee machine in the kitchen but I don’t know how to work it. Would you mind?”

“Of course not. Plain black coffee?”

“No,” grinned David. “Café latte with foam, please. Thank you, son.”

A what now? Alex shook his head as he made his way inside. And then he saw it. In the corner, by the fridge. A big, tacky, bright red machine with a blinking LCD display, a few gaudy chrome buttons and two empty mugs waiting to be filled. Oh, it had to have been him! There was no way his parents would ever buy themselves something as big and ridiculously expensive as this thing. And it was expensive! He knew, ‘cause he’d been there, four years ago, when Miles had went and gotten himself the previous model of that fucking coffee monster! Who had ended up carrying that stupid thing up the three flights of stairs to Miles’ apartment that day? Well, not Miles! He’d been busy carrying the Saint Laurent bag filled with a new pair of shoes!

Alex made his father his desired cup of coffee, then went back to the garage. “Here.”

“Thanks.”

“When did he drop by?”

David looked up mid-sip. “Who?”

“Miles. When he did drop by? He’s the one who got you that fucking coffee machine, isn’t he? He knows how much I hate those. He’s getting a kick of letting me suffer!” 

“It’s a coffee machine, Alex. Don’t be dramatic. And if you must know, it was Miles. He came by last week. Called it a very belated Christmas present. Your mom already fancies herself in love with that machine.” He chuckled at that. “It’s a little big, yes. But quite efficient! And very good at its job. I’ve never tasted coffee that good! Why don’t you like it? You love coffee.”

A simple coffee maker got the job done just as well. And if one wanted fancy coffee, then one could walk to a coffee shop and get it. The idea of putting overly big machines into a kitchen was beyond him. Also, it annoyed him that Miles hadn’t told him that he’d dropped by his parents’ home, even though they had spoken on the phone a few times since. It annoyed him almost as much as the fact that his parents had actually gotten to see him, while he was stuck on the bloody phone with him. 

David sat down on an old wooden chair in the corner, taking another sip. “Very good coffee, indeed. When you’re done with those two boxes, we should call it a day. It’s already late and we’ve yet to find something to eat. I told your mother I’d fire up the grill, but I’m not sure we’ve got anything to put on it. By the way, will you ever tell Miles that you’re in love with him?”

Alex was in the midst of lifting yet another, even heavier box when his father’s words sank in. It slipped right out of his hands and he barely managed to jump away in time to avoid having it land on his feet. “I’m sorry, what?”

“I fear we’re out of steaks.” When Alex met his eyes, David smiled warmly. “Talk to me about Miles, son.”

“I got to hand it to you, in terms of bluntness, mom got nothing on you!” 

“Don’t tell her. Let that be our secret.” He grinned. 

Alex sat down on the now ignored box. “How do you know?”

“Aside from the obvious? That boy has spent the last ten years or more walking in and out of our house as though he lived here. Then his visits become less frequent. Eventually they stop. And, coincidentally, at the same time you become a hollow shell of your former self.”

At that, Alex scoffed. He wasn’t a shell, was he? A little preoccupied with his thoughts, maybe. “That’s a bit dramatic, don’t you think?”

“Am I wrong?”

Well…he had been distant lately. And downtrodden. And maybe he had listened to a few too many depressing songs, realized Alex. He shook his head and admitted defeat. “No.”

“The pictures hurt you, haven’t they?”

“How the fuck do you know about the pictures?” Alex had been on the plane back from South America, on route to London to visit Miles, as friends did. The tour was done. He had also planned on visiting his parents. The entire thing had been completely above brow and Miles wouldn’t have been able to take offense or accuse Alex of breaking another one of Miles’ ridiculous and annoying boundaries! 

But on the plane, he had gotten bored. It had been a very long flight. So he had checked the Daily Mail gossip page. And there they had been. Pictures of Miles with his former girlfriend, partying in a club, huddling together, whispering to each other, smiling at each other. It had hurt. Badly. But he wasn’t allowed to take offense, to be hurt, was he? He had a girlfriend in France, waiting for him to return. And Miles was single so his friend had done nothing wrong! However, that didn’t change a thing. No matter how often he had tried to explain it to his heart since then, the stupid just wouldn’t listen and stubbornly kept hurting. So Alex had traveled directly to his parents, instead. 

“I saw them on Twitter,” explained David, pulling Alex out of his thoughts. 

“What?!” His dad was dropping bombshell after bombshell!

“How am I supposed to keep up with what the bunch of you are doing?” David asked indignantly. “I’d like to know it if one of you does something that might require a few stern words or a compliment. Twitter is quite efficient to stay on track.”

“You don’t know how to work the coffee machine but you know Twitter?” 

“You don’t know how to work Twitter but you know the coffee machine!” Retorted David. 

Point taken. Alex sheepishly looked away. 

“When Miles visited, back before you all went on tour,” Alex’s father continued, “I could see the light return to your eyes. You were laughing and playing guitar and enjoying life a little more. I’m not blind, Alex. I watched you on tour together. I’ve seen you around each other. I don’t wrap myself around my best friend when we hang out. We don’t kiss each other’s cheeks all the time. I don’t hold his hand when I walk with him through the house. I can see the look in your eyes when Miles is near. Whenever you think he caught you staring at him, you quickly look away, even blush, and crack a silly joke that nobody but Miles finds funny. Your mother and I have shared quite a few giggles over that.” He was giggling now. “For what it’s worth, I’ve never seen Miles look at anyone the way he looks at you.”

Wouldn’t it be nice if it were true? But it wasn’t. And his father was imagining things, sad though that was. “Miles and I…he and I…” Alex struggled to find the right words. As always! “We’re both male.”

“I hadn’t noticed,” deadpanned his father.

Alex groaned. “I’m trying to say...I mean...for as long as I’ve known him, I never worried about going too far and crossing a line. I never thought there were lines to cross. Because, well, I mean…we had girlfriends. It never occurred to me that…”

“You thought that, because he’s a guy, you could get close to him without risking your heart?”

“Relationships end. Friendships are supposed to last forever. I never meant to fall in love with him. I never thought I would. I never even thought I could, because he’s a guy! But it’s becoming clearer to me these days that my heart never cared for that. I think I may fallen in love with him at first sight.” He gave his father a helpless, hopeless shrug of his shoulders. “The other stuff…the attraction, the physical…ugh, it’s really hard to talk to you about this,” admitted Alex and looked at the ceiling, blushing hard. “It’s always been there. I just never noticed it before. At least not like I do now. But now that I have, I can’t…un-notice it, even though I want to un-notice it so badly.”

David got up, put the empty mug away, and took a seat next to his son. He wrapped an arm around his shoulder, gave it a squeeze and pulled him against his side. Alex placed his head on his father’s shoulder, closed his eyes and just reveled in the comfort he was receiving. “It’s so complicated now.”

“Now? Did something happen between the two of you?” 

Alex marveled, and would forever remain grateful, at the fact that his father was utterly unfazed by the fact that his supposedly straight son had just admitted to being in love with a man. His dad was treating it as the most normal thing in the world. It allowed him to be more honest than he believed himself capable of. “He and I…we did…you know what…last year. It got messy after that.”

“How?”

“I got scared. I had all this feelings,” Alex said quietly, scooting closer into his father’s arms. Who would have thought that, at over thirty, a parent’s embrace could still be so wonderful. “I didn’t know what to do or how to react and I ran. That’s when we stopped speaking. When he came here, we agreed to be friends again. And only that. Only friends. But it’s much harder than I thought!”

“Tell him that,” suggested David.

Alex chuckled sadly. “I have, I think. Miles doesn’t want to be with me. He’s not in love with me. I can handle that. It hurts, but I can handle it. We agreed we’d never do that thing again because it would ruin our friendship. He said he would never risk losing me for a bit of sex. And I love him even more for that.”

“You got it bad, don’t you?” He gave Alex another squeeze. And smiled widely. “But it all sounds so sad and tragic when you tell it. It doesn’t have to be!”

Alex was stunned. “How can it not sound that way? I’m madly in love with my best friend who doesn’t love me back!”

“Alex, come on. Get up, son. Let’s go shopping. We’ll get burgers and fries and that green stuff that your mother likes so much when we eat it.”

Alex followed his father towards the car. “Vegetables?”

“Precisely.”

“Dad, wait! What just happened? I tell you why I’m sad and you smile and want to go shopping? What did I miss?”

“The answer,” smirked David. He came to a stop in front of the car, turned towards his son and gave him a quick hug. “Everything you’re trying to figure out is already in here,” he said and tapped Alex’s forehead with one finger. “Take a break with me, clear your head, and then, when I grill the steaks and you finish up in the garage,” he interjected, “you go and ponder what you just told me. And I guarantee you, it’ll make you feel better and show you what to do next. I’m serious about the steak, though. I am hungry!” 

“If you think you know the solution to all my troubles, why won’t just tell it to me?”

“There are a few things in life that one needs to figure out for one’s self, son. You wouldn’t believe me anyway,” said David as he got into the car. “You’re coming?”

Alex groaned but got in. 

“Remind me, we need milk and cocoa powder as well. And those white foamy sweets.”

“Marshmallows?”

“Yes! Your mother loves those with her hot chocolate. I’m telling you, that coffee machine is the best gift we’ve ever gotten! It’s so versatile!” 

I once bought you a car, Alex wanted to point out. But whatever! Stupid coffee machine. Stupid, single Miles and his stupid, fancy coffee machine! 

Later that night, Alex all but sprinted across his old bedroom when his phone rang. “You got ‘em a bloody coffee machine!?” It truly did bother him!

He heard Miles’ laughter. “I needed a new one, I told you! And they had one on sale. It was a really good deal, so I got it for your parents. You should be happy that they’re enjoying it. They are enjoying it, right?”

“Don’t sound so smug,” grumbled Alex as he laid back on his bed. “Speaking about gifts, how come they get one and I don’t? You’ve yet to pick up yours and still haven’t said a word about mine. May I remind you that we missed out on celebrating Christmas and my birthday together, which means you’re two gifts short!”

“I have gifts for you,” mumbled Miles and Alex had to concentrate on making out the words. “The gift I got you for your birthday is pretty big. It’s in London. You just have to drop by and pick it up.”

“Big how?” asked Alex. “You made a huge fuss about my gift for you, which you – in my humble opinion – refused to accept for an entirely ridiculous reason!”

“Not big like that.” Miles hesitated. “The box is big. It’s actually a bit of a funny gift. The one I got you for Christmas…well, I kinda got it for you last year, long before we…you know…and I haven’t given it to you because…it might be the different kind of big. And after the huge fuss I made about your gift for me – which, in my humble opinion, was entirely reasonable – I really shouldn’t give mine to you. But I really want you to have it. It’s a dilemma.”

“Oh, it’s not!” Alex reassured him, grinning. “I’m not like you! I have no issues accepting big gifts! When will you be in London so I can get my gifts?”

“Impatient much?” Miles laughed. “I won’t be back before next week. I’m visiting a few old friends. Then I’ll head to my mom. And there’s a birthday party near Sheffield two days from now, so I’ll be near your parents. Maybe I drop by for coffee!” 

“Whose birthday?” asked Alex dryly, deliberately ignoring the coffee quip. 

“I don’t know,” admitted Miles. “Friend of Victoria’s. Came by one of our shows. He invited everyone, said it’ll be a huge party. The whole band is going. What are you doing next week? You’re back in Sheffield, aren’t you? Admit it, you’ve spent a good portion of your day pointlessly glaring at the poor, innocent coffee machine!” 

“I haven’t. I don’t glare pointlessly. I glared at it angrily.” Alex sank deeper into the cushion. “Don’t know about next week yet.” He hesitated for a moment, but then did suggest what he’d initially intended to do anyway. “We should meet, Miles. It’s been a while.” Almost three weeks.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” That wasn’t the reply Alex had expected.

“Okay,” repeated Miles. “Let’s meet. In London. Soon. So you can get your gifts.”

“And my shirt,” which Alex had absolutely not forgotten about.

“Does that mean I can keep the belt?”

“Dream on!” Both laughed. It felt so good to laugh with him. And even though he’d never, ever admit it to Miles, Alex had to agree that talking to him via phone was a bit easier and less distracting than speaking to him directly. “Miles? Are you busy at the moment? You got plans tonight?” Are you meeting your ex, he really wanted to ask.

“Nope. Just me and the TV tonight. You?”

“Me and no TV. It was a long day.” Was it a bad thing that it made him happy that Miles had no plans for the evening? He pushed the thought away. “Did some working out, sort of. Dad had me carry a lot of boxes. That bloody garage! I think I’m getting old. In the old days, I could go for days without sleep. But now? It’s sad, truly.”

Miles was laughing again. “I feel for you, babe! But you’re right. I also like my off-days much more than I used to!” 

Alex was shaking his head at himself. One little word. Babe. And here his fucking heart was, fluttering around in his chest like those four little letters actually meant something. 

Words. 

Meaningful words. 

Alex frowned. A thought had just crossed his mind, but it had been too brief, too fast, to take note of in time. It made him feel strange and restless, all of sudden. Like he’d glimpsed at something very important without realizing it. And now that he tried to get a closer look, it was gone. Where did one search for a thought?

“Alex? You’re still there?”

“Huh? What?” 

“Are you okay?”

“Yes,” said Alex, without feeling okay. He sat up straight. “Did you ever feel like…like…” “Like what?” asked Miles, clearly interested. 

“I can’t even say,” Alex described. Or rather failed to. “Something just crossed my mind! Just a second ago! But I don’t know what! I just…argh! You must think I’m crazy!” 

“I would never think that of you. Did the idea for a song come to you? A lyric? A melody?”

“No.” Alex tried to recall that elusive thought. “I think not. Feels different when that happens.”

“Well, let me know if you figure it out,” Miles told him. “You got me all curious now!”

A loud groan slipped from Alex’s throat. “Ugh. I bet I won’t get a moment’s sleep tonight. I just…I had a thought. But I don’t know what thought that was. It’ll keep me awake all night, I swear! It was something about…words.” He felt as though he was trying to recall the entire plot of a book he’d never even read! 

“Words, huh? That’s a vague description. Good words? Bad words? A specific word? Words that somebody has said to you? Or wor–”

“Stop!” There it was again. And there it went away again. “Argh!” Alex drove a hand through his hair, only to hiss in pain. Shit. He’d forgotten that hair, once grown to a certain length, would tangle and knot and not part easily. “Damn hair!” 

“I’m not there with you,” Miles reminded him somewhat pointedly. “So if you jump from thoughts to hair to words and back, I’m unable to follow you. Oh shit!” 

“What? What happened?”

“Oh no! Oooh! I was supposed to go to the dentist today for my routine checkup! I completely forgot about that!” 

Alex rolled his eyes. Speaking about jumping from one thought to another! “Damn it, I thought something bad had happened!” 

“It is bad!” Miles was adamant. “I don’t like letting people wait around for me! It’s rude and not fair. I should have canceled sooner. I knew I wouldn’t be in town today. Gotta call tomorrow and apologize!”

“To the dentist?” Alex scoffed. At least he wasn’t the only one who was crazy!

“To the person who makes the schedule! Mock me, I don’t care. But I don’t like people to think I’m some prick who believes he can come and go as he wants. I’d never do that! Which, if I may remind you, is the reason the guy who drove the bus when you and I did our tour liked me a lot better than you!”

“Well, he might have liked you better but while you were sitting in the bus like the well-behaved little rockstar that you are, I was sleeping out! So, which one of us made the wiser decision? I believe I did!” Alex grinned when he heard Miles begin to laugh. 

“Fair point,” agreed his friend, taking it in stride. Alex yawned and Miles laughed louder. “Wow, you weren’t lying when you said you’re getting old! I think it’s time you try that whole sleeping thing! Slumber well, Al.”

“Night, Mi.” He hung up with a chuckle. 

I’d never do that.

Alex bolted upward and zoomed in on Miles’ words. “He’d never do that.” The thought came back. Clearer, this time. “He’d never risk that.” Miles loved Alex. As a friend, yes. But he loved him. And he’d never risk losing him as a friend for a bit of sex. He had said so himself. And if he would never do that? What did that mean? 

Alex got up, paced the room with large, impatient strides. They were friends. They loved each other. But…if Miles would never risk their friendship just for a bit of sex, then…then it hadn’t been just a bit of sex. And if it hadn’t been that, did that mean that it had been more? 

With a groan he stripped off his hoodie. Suddenly he felt warm, sweaty even. His head was overflowing with thoughts. His entire body was pulsating, throbbing with something he couldn’t define. His eyes landed on the phone which lay on top of the comforter. 

Miles. 

We’ve locked our hearts in. 

Alex’s breathing became uneven as he was hit by memories of Miles explaining his feelings to him. His friend had been so honest, so open, this entire time. If only Alex had paid closer attention to his actual words! Or even just his actions! All those nights that he’d spent in Miles’ arms, pretending that it was just a friendship-thing? When had he ever felt the need to sleep in Matt’s arms? Or Jamie’s? Or Nick’s? Hell, when had he ever desperately desired to sleep in Taylor’s arms? None of them would have ever even allowed him into their beds, or arms. None, except Taylor. Because Taylor had loved him. But not as a friend!

Miles had always opened his arms for him, Alex realized. Without any hesitation. He’d held him, squeezed him, kissed him, caressed him, even sucked him and fucked him and none of that had felt platonic! Alex came to a stop, held onto his desk and closed his eyes. He remembered those kisses, remembered the way Miles had deepened their contact, had groaned and moaned into his mouth, had sighed in pleasure and begged in need. 

Miles had told him they were different, but they weren’t. Not that different. Alex tried to recall his own romantic escapades, tried to recall what he had felt then, but those brief affairs and one night stands that he used to have were all pale and dim compared to the fireworks and explosions he’d experienced with Miles. The ones that had come before Miles didn’t matter to him. They had never left him drowning in want. They had never made him feel loved, the way Miles had made him feel loved. They had never made him surrender completely. 

Images of Miles’ face flashed in front of Alex’s eyes. Images from their night. Images of Miles staring at Alex with complete and utter fascination, as though Alex was a living, breathing miracle and Miles was overwhelmed by his beauty. No one had ever looked at him like that. 

That fucking hurt!

And how could Miles have been hurt by Alex if there were no feelings which could have gotten hurt? If Miles had wanted him there when he had woken up that night, then he couldn’t have been disgusted by him! And if the attraction was still there, as Miles had told him, as he had demonstrated by kissing him again, then he didn’t regret it. Did he? If the only reason it couldn’t happen again was the risk of losing their friendship, it meant Miles absolutely didn’t regret it! 

We’ve always pretended that all we did was play around. 

So if they hadn’t pretended, if they hadn’t played around, if everything had been real, then…

Could it be? 

I’d never risk losing you for a bit of sex.

If Miles hadn’t risked it for a bit of sex, he had risked it for something more. And more than sex was…love. 

Was Miles in love with him? Alex dropped to the chair next to him and just sat there, in silence. Motionless. Was that possible? Did he dare to believe that the one person he loved so wholly might actually love him back? Alex tilted his head to the side, to look at his phone again. Well, he couldn’t really call him and ask him, could he? 

Oh God! What was he supposed to do now? Wait until they met again? How long would that take? He couldn’t even go to Miles because he didn’t know where, precisely, Miles was at this very moment. And he couldn’t call and ask Miles, because hearing his voice right now would make speaking entirely impossible and Miles would never just tell him without asking why. What then? Same problem! He couldn’t tell him on the phone. “Fucking hell,” shot Alex and closed his eyes. 

Party. 

Wait, there was a party. A birthday party. Everyone was invited, Miles had said so. That meant Alex was invited as well, right? But whose party was it? He needed to call somebody other than Miles for details. Victoria! He could call Victoria! Alex jumped up, grabbed the phone from his bed and – then stopped. It was already midnight. He couldn’t call her now. That would be strange. And it would raise flags. Victoria would then call Miles, who, in return, would call Alex. Voila, back to problem one. Fucking phones! 

He’d do it tomorrow. He’d find a way to explain it to her. 

Tomorrow. Oh, tomorrow was so very far away. 

And it’d be days until he saw Miles. Days! 

Alex sank down on the bed and laid back again. 

Days! 

He’d never last that long. 

Spoiler for Part 14:

“Fuck talking,” declared Alex.

“Fuck me,” said Miles.

[fanfictiondotme]

Good Deeds

Fandom: Lucifer

Ship: Lucifer Morningstar x reader

Summary: Lucifer finds the reader and takes a liking to her. Reader has some issues though

Warnings: excessive drinking (alcoholism), abusive ex, anxiety, depression?? kind of off character Luci and Maze, really fluffy, I’m missing shit I know, reader at your own risk (RAYOR)

A/N: Sorry I’ve been gone so long. I’ve been really sick and still am, but I also started school back. Thank you guys for showing love and sticking with me.

For: Abuse / Mental Health

If you ever need help please contact someone you trust or local law enforcement.

May

Lux, your new found home. It was one of the safest clubs in the city, you have come to love it and the workers there. You’d been having some troubles lately, so you were a frequent customer. You knew you shouldn’t be going down this road again, but it felt so right. You smiled as the bartender handed you another drink and you went back to your booth. You always loved watching the people, it was the most interesting thing you’d been doing all month. You made eye contact with a very handsome man. He’d seemed to be interested in you so you were very disappointed when he didn’t join you. 

You went back more and more, until finally you were there every night. You had become closely acquainted to the staff there, especially Maze. You had come to known that the handsome man you saw a few weeks ago was Lucifer Morningstar. Maze had talked highly of him, and you were very interested. After getting completely blasted on a Wednesday night, Maze grew concern for you. You were a compassionate, yet damaged, person, she had been in hell long enough to know you didn’t deserve whatever was troubling you. 

June

It became regular for Maze to get you home. She would make sure you arrived there safely and would even check in the next morning on you. Maze had become quite good friends with you, after all the good doctor did tell her she needed to make more. She always new something was off about you, but you would never mention it. You always wanted to talk about other things or play games. You never wanted to bother anyone with any of your problems. 

You had been running a very long time. Los Angeles was the fourth city you had moved to. Your ex was the possessive, abusive kind. You had filed multiple restraining order against him, changed your phone number several times and moved cities, but somehow, with his police connections no doubt, he managed to find you eventually. You knew that all he had to do was find your phone number and it was on to another city. 

July 4th

It was like you literally lived there. When the club wasn’t open and you weren’t working, you were there. When it was open, you were definitely there. You liked to hang out with Maze, although you didn’t see much of Lucifer since he was stuck up Chloe’s ass. He had noticed you though, and you had had several conversations, but Maze liked to keep you away from him, until a fateful fourth of July party. 

Maze was gone, running an errand for Lucifer you were sure. You knew that she always tried to be back at Lux before Lucifer could do much damage, but not tonight. Lucifer made sure of it. Lucifer sat down next to you, and boy were you hopeless, you were already at least eight drinks in. “Well, well, well, puppet. Seems I’ve caught you all by yourself.” You giggled at Lucifer, you really did like him, you never understood why Maze kept you away from him. “You did, did you? Aside from the other hundred people in here right?” You giggled even harder, starting on your ninth drink, maybe tenth, who cares? 

Lucifer caught your eyes, staring intently at you. You sucked in a deep breath, intoxicated further by his gaze. “Tell me Y/N, what is your deepest darkest desire?” Your lock was broken and you finished your drink. “Well, Lucy, it seems that it would be to get another drink.” You giggled and raised your hand for another, laughing as your hand instantly fell back down, but you knew that you’d get one. “Ah, now Y/N, it much be something much more than that,” he squabbled as he raised his own hand to get more drinks.

“Nope, not really, just to-” you hiccuped a few times, “to get totally wasted.” You got bored with having to order drinks and attempted to get up but were unfortunately a bit too inebriated to do so. Lucifer caught you and sat you back down, “Maybe you should slow down Y/N, as much as I like intoxicated company, there is such a thing as too much.” You sighed, slapping his hands off of you. “Listen here Lucifer, either you,” you swirled your finger at him, “go get the bottle or I do, and me and you both know I can’t ya know,” you moved your fingers in a walking motion on the table. You giggled and laid back, closing your eyes temporarily. 

You woke up in a huge bed. No person should have a bed this big. Your head was pounding, but you were used to hangovers. You looked at your surroundings, no person to be seen. That’s when you realized that you were still at Lux, probably in Lucifer’s room. You climbed out of bed, and thats when you realized you were not in your clothes. You decided to walk downstairs and greet Maze, instead you found Lucifer and Maze. 

Maze gaped at you, then instantly turned red. “Lucifer, I will fucking kill you if you fucked her!” He put his hands up defensively, “I did nothing of the such! I was very modest actually! I’m baffled that you think I would take advantage of the lovely Y/N.” You scrunched your face at him and poured yourself a shot of whiskey. You turned it back, “Oh shut it Lucy.” You laid on the counter haphazardly and sighed. “Maze, take me home.” She rubbed your back, “Sure thing, Y/N/N.” Lucifer jumped up, “No, no, no, allow me Y/n.” Lucifer and Maze exchanged looks and Maze finally relented, you shrugged and began walking towards the door.

The drive back to your apartment was silent. You kept your eyes closed, head back, letting the air conditioner sooth your miserable body. When you arrived you allowed Lucifer to walk you to your door, but he refused to go ahead and leave, pushing himself inside your door instead. You sighed when you realized he followed you. 

You froze once you made it five steps in the door. Your heart started beating out of your chest. Your skin growing cold. The hairs on your neck standing at attention. Your ears ringing, breath hitching in your throat. You were shaking, your body filled with fear. Your entire place was trashed. You knew what this was. Who this was.

You begin moving frantically, ignoring the confused shouts coming from Lucifer. You grab your suitcase, frantically throwing clothes into it. You freeze when Lucifer says Chloe’s name. “No!” Your eyes fill with tears, and you begin to breathe rapidly. “No, no police please!” You start sobbing, beginning to frantically pack again. Lucifer is taken back, he’s never seen a human this upset. This scared. Not one as humble as you. Sure he knew you had a past, obviously or you wouldn’t spend your nights drinking yourself to an oblivion. 

“Y/n,” he tried, regaining his composure. You were still hyperventilating, panicked of what was coming, he’d never been this close, he didn’t even warn you this time. No text, no call. You couldn’t feel your fingers. Taking a moment to try and think. You couldn’t, words weren’t forming. You turned to Lucifer and grabbed his biceps. “Run.” Your world went black. 

You regained consciousness on your couch. Lucifer dabbing a cold rag on your forehead. You shot up, ready to leave before your ex found you and not just your apartment. “Y/N, stop.” Lucifer commanded and for some reason, you sat back down. “What exactly is going on?” You sighed, “I need to leave Lucy, I’m not safe anymore.” Lucifer laughed at this, actually laughed. 

“Honey, didn’t Maze brief you? I’m Lucifer. The bloody Devil himself. If you’re safe with anyone, it would be me.” You sighed, shaking your head. “No, Lucy, you don’t get it. M-my ex, he’s not- I get that you think you’re a badass, but he- he’s evil. He’s untouchable.” Lucifer scoffed, “Okay, I’m going to act like that didn’t hurt my ego,” he got up to make you a cup of coffee. “We have Chloe, surely if he’s this bad, she can help.” Your face became panicked, “No, No Lucifer, you don’t understand, he’s part of the force.” Lucifer handed you a cup of coffee, “Okay, then let’s use Maze.” You sighed, “No, Lucifer, this isn’t your problem, it’s mine.” 

You sat the coffee cup down, getting up to start packing. “Y/N, is this what you want, what you really want?’’ You sighed, a sob escaping your lips. “I don’t have another option Lucifer.” He sighed, wrapping his arms around you from behind, a human attempt at comfort. He was shocked when you turned to him and cried. “I want to be free Lucifer. I want to be free.” He felt anger boiling in his skin and looked towards the ceiling, his eyes lashing red. “Then I will handle it.”

[ryouverua]

Chapter 4 Investigation (Part 2)

Things are never boring with this lovable scamp as your partner!

Man that was a quick turnaround, Himiko! Though I have to say, your avatar is quite cute...

also seeing all the icons against each other makes me laugh because Shuichi and Himiko have the most defined lashes omfg and Miu... programmed/designed them all to be that way...

Yeah, I really do think someone snuck here to log Kaito out. Tsumugi was distracted or something? Maybe? Kokichi would have had access to it, being that he was right near by in the salon...

And then, about an unexpected yet surprisingly hilarious interlude involving maps - 

NO SHIT, NOT-SHERLOCK

So the Kaito-centric dynamic of our little three-person group is that obvious, huh...

MORE OF GAMER SNOB TSUMUGI KTHNX

mystery solved she was filled with such potent angry nerd rage that she murdered Miu over the graphics you can’t tell me that isn’t plausible

I’m. Baffled???? 

also of course, more hilarious exchanges

Okay, uh, I.... was not expecting to find this? And I’ll be honest, I have no idea how it would fit in at all. Or why it’s over here. I’m just... gonna... put that on the back-burner for a bit.

I feel like me not knowing why it would be there is still better than K1-b0′s theory. 

Oh right, Kaito was logged out before it came back. And now we’re talking about the direction of the river, and how the sign got washed over against the river flow, but I’m not too worried about that? Like I said, I feel like from a game design standpoint it would make sense for the river to loop right-to-left so items and/or people wouldn’t be accidentally lost if they fell in and went off-map.

DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!

.... then the avatar stays ‘active’ in the VR world. I suppose it’s a somewhat poetic ending for Miu in that sense - her avatar’s presence will be an immortal legacy in here, or at least until the VR world itself ends. 

Ooooh...??? We’re going to hear about this before the trial?

WHERE KAITO WAS....

I think some of the pieces are starting to come together a bit in my head.

Probably to give her a chance to sneak off and find a way to the other side - and I bet since she modified the world, she knew ways to do that. Maybe that board beside her?

OH WELL FUCK MY ORIGINALLY THEORY OF SOMEONE GOING BACK TO THE MANSION TO LOG KAITO OUT

goddamnit Miu just casually throwing a cellphone into the mix

HOW

DARE

YOU

MADAM

oh oops I guess I shouldn’t speak ill of the dead huh

OH and also she had a hammer which you know, should be a very pressing issue considering the implications of Miu having a weapon-like object on her when everyone else was defenceless but I AM STILL STEAMING ABOUT THE CELLPHONE

bOYFRIENDS god they’re so cute look at their blushing sprites i’m dying.....

Ah good, at least that part I got right.

.....

Um. Shuichi. Did you, uh, give him a heads up about what you were going to do when I blinked or....?

SHUICHI COMMUNICATION IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ASTRONAUTS AND FOR HAVING A GOOD RELATIONSHIP

AND ESPECIALLY FOR HAVING A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH AN ASTRONAUT

“It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission.” Somehow I think it’s still going to be hard...

Oh man imagine being thrown out of the game when you’re sick the way he is 8′D The vertigo, the sudden potential nausea/lung pain, etc...

A-Aaaaw! Poor Kaito - he keeps getting logged out, left behind and just generally tossed aside - for that matter, he’s been called an idiot for a decent amount of the game and spent half of chapter 3 stuck in his room, sick and terrified. Shuichi didn’t mean to leave you behind, Kaito! He’s just an awkward introvert who doesn’t know how to communicate, promise!

Oh man, is that salt I’m detecting in our Ultimate Astronaut?

Anyway, we already knew that the lattice was from the roof so when he talks about something being missing, it wasn’t hard to figure out what it was. Also, the lock can only be done from the outside, so you can’t get locked out of the roof, but you can get locked/stuck on the roof itself.

Aaaw Himiko 8′D You get attached to things quickly too, huh? I can relate a little too well. are your tabs and room a mess too

Alright, Maki’s here on Kaito’s behalf because Monotaro wanted to show us more info. It’s kinda weird having him on our side, even if it’s temporary, but hey, any help at this point is good!

Damn, Maki’s still here with those back-handed compliments. Still, that might be one of the nicest things she’s said to Shuichi so far. Baby steps! yeah you might not want to sound like Kaito but he’s definitely rubbing off on you

OMG HE’S STILL SALTY ABOUT THE LOGGING OUT THING

Man it’s really weird to see that icon with Maki. But hey, at least she’s trying to help them fix things rather than stew in jealousy like earlier/stay mad at Kaito about leaving her in the chapel. 8′D

Aaaaand back to the real world!

“For example, there’s me, your beloved!”

"SOMEONE GET ME A HELMET, I’M GOING BACK INTO THE VR WORLD.”

“Turn around so I can put a ‘Kick Me’ sign on your back! It’s what you deserve!”

“Wait, that doesn’t say ‘Kick Me’, that says Saiouma is endgame OTP -”

“Oops! I lied. Still putting it on you, though.”

Interesting pause and neutral face here...

..................

Oh. But.... it can only be locked.... from the outside. So there’s no way he was locked out unless he was physically blocked.

I think I 100% caught him in a lie here.

Schrodinger’s Kokichi Ouma....

“LIFE PARTNERS! EMBRACE ME, AIBOU -`”

“Ouma I swear to -”

Oh fml I’m starting to get an awful feeling - p-please stop referring to it as sleeping, it’s.... really feeding into my theory that I thought was wild but is starting to become less and less crazy-sounding in my head...

D-Don’t you trust in your sidekick, bro? D:

Omfg you just know Miu is the type to put a ton of aside comments in her code and it’s all vulgar...

Yup, true. Confirmed.

Either for defensive... or offensive purposes.

Apparently the cellphone was another object she choose not to delete as well. Man Miu, your post-humous impression on everyone is looking kinda bleak! Now that I think about it, I remember noting her panicking after that flashback light. I’m starting to think she might be the person I was looking for who would fit the ‘desperate to get out of here’ bill.

That’s an odd detail. 

Yeah, I guess I did originally figure that was the case. So there was probably another point of entry on the ‘outside’ edge, like the looping river.

Wait what?! Doesn’t that mean she is unbreakable?! Did she think it would make her impossible to kill or something???

I mean... it’s gotta be the one acting as a barrier to ‘outside’ the map, right? I guess it makes sense that if the river can loop, maybe the whole map itself does. That explains why we could hear K1-b0. Was there a secret entrance along the wall that everyone ignored because they thought there was nothing beyond the wall on either side?

MIU LIED SWEETCHEEKS, THAT AIN’T JUST SOMETHING KOKICHI, YOU AND KAEDE CAN DO

OoooooOOOOH

OH

OH..........

MIU...

Girl I think you played yourself

Whelp, that just solved a huge chunk of the questions I had!

Wait what??? Now that is pretty unexpected. It’s starting to raise some interesting possibilities though. 

Yeah, that’s the face I would have if I found out I had been unwittingly sabotaged. 8′D Oh Miu, what in the world were you up to... 

Oh?

.... No

no no no

no no no no no

no

no

no

NO

NO

NO EXPLAIN THE ERROR EXPLAIN IT RIGHT NOW

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN ‘BING BONG’

NO

EXPLAIN THE ERROR

DON’T LEAVE IT AS A MYSTERY

WE HAVEN’T MADE ANY REFERENCE TO THE WIRES CROSSING IN THE HELMETS

NO

NO NO NO NO NO

FUCK YOU I THINK I KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING AND I WON’T STAND FOR IT

BECAUSE THERE MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN AN AVATAR ACTING STRANGELY IN THE GAME, BUT THERE IS SOMEONE USING VAGUE ENOUGH LANGUAGE AND REFERRING TO THE WORLD AS A ‘DREAM’ AND THE ACT OF LOGGING IN AS ‘SLEEPING’

AND CONVENIENTLY DID NOT LOG IN THE SECOND TIME

DON’T

YOU

FUCKING

DO IT

DANGANRONPA

NO FUCK YOU MONOKUMA LOOK AT ME WHEN I’M CURSING YOU OUT

First Miu’s schtick, now Himiko’s - is there any persona you won’t steal this chapter?

GONTA................ GONTA, NO I’M SUDDENLY DEATHLY AFRAID FOR YOU AGAIN.......

FML Kokichi has the right attitude that no one aside from Shuichi seems to have and

and

fuck

I.... if I’m right, this is not going to have the triumphant ending the last one had... not at all -

omg Himiko you sound like me

uHH

OMFG -

IT’S WAVING IN THE WIIIIIIIIIIND

BRB guys I need to temporarily find a way into the DRV3 game so I can give Himiko a huge high five.

Man I don’t know if Kokichi knows who the culprit is, but I think he is way too excited about the idea of harassing Kaito...

And Kaito knows it.

Ugh, there really is, huh? That’s why I find the vibe i so weird after the third trial. You just get used to feeling how they all interact with each other, there are all these different personalities and - poof. Gone. And suddenly you get a lot more from fewer people, and the world just seems so much larger and emptier.

I-I MEAN.... YOU’RE NOT WRONG, BUT....

Man, the way they’re all cheering him on should be heartwarming and encouraging but it’s kinda freaking me out a little bit? Is that weird?

give him a back massage. you know, between bros.

omg Kokichi are you Shuichi’s agent now or something?

“SORRY KAI-WHATEVER, MR. SAIHARA IS A VERY IMPORTANT MAN AND IS TOO BUSY TO BE BOTHERED BY THE LIKES OF YOU ~ “

Kokichi my boy, you really need to work on your flirting game.

“BRO!”

“BRO....!”

I’M SORRY I’M WEAK FOR ALL THIS ‘BRO’ TALK

That seriously sounds like a threat. 8′D Gosh though, you’re really not having it with Kaito today, huh? Now that I think about it, with Miu gone you and Kaito are going to be the strongest personalities in the trial. This is gonna get interesting...

a;sdlkfja there’s so few of them... oTL

Yeah, she really did. And man did she leave a big impact. Even if she wasn’t my favourite character of the bunch, she had a surprisingly interesting dynamic with a lot of the others and she definitely wasn’t forgettable. It’s going to be weird not to have her around. To think that I originally thought she would get knocked off within the first two chapters... 8′D

Alright so, notes - and as usual I’ll transcribe because my writing sucks. I did doodle some stuff too though ~

Left side of the map (mansion):

Shuichi/Tsumugi (together)

Kaito - roof/logged out 1 hour before

Kokichi

Gonta

Right side of the map (chapel)

Maki

Himiko

K1-b0

Miu * - dead, but also with the ability to cross sides

So I drew out the map both ways - once, the way it is in the game, and two, with the left/right side against each other and the loading screen as the ‘walls’ on the outside. I’m guessing that was the original map. I’m guessing the added wall was the barrier on the edge of the game map.

In the real world, they were seated like this with the computer at the top of the semi-circle:

Gonta                     Maki

Himiko                   Kaito

Tsumugi                 Shuichi

K1-b0                     Kokichi (with poison in his seat)

Miu

So now that the stages are set:

First, the so-called obvious culprits and other red herrings:

Kaito

Man, someone was pushing to set Kaito up and I think that may have been Miu. It would be one thing if my original speculation about the lobby phone being used by the culprit to log Kaito out was one thing, but once the cellphone was found on Miu there really wasn’t any ambiguity left. He was definitely logged out remotely. It would have been interesting if she had logged him out via lobby phone and her wall-crossing abilities, but maybe the writers thought that could have been too hard to work out...

Kokichi

He’s been acting hella suspicious but once that paralysis feature got revealed, he was knocked out of the running. 

Miu being on the chapel side - solved by her avatar being classified as an object. Did the culprit know that too? I guess if Tsumugi could spot her through the window, Miu wasn’t exactly being subtle about her presence on the other side.

Poison - another red herring. No bloodshot eyes

Before I go on, you’ll note I circled a name on the ‘alive’ list, then drew a VERY unhappy face, and just kinda went NOOOOOOO in caps because

FML I THINK IT WAS GONTA...

Is he the one that got the error code? He thinks it was all a dream - did he accidentally switch the wires? It did say the wires were for ‘memory’ and ‘consciousness’, and what better example of that is a fading dream...

Anyway, I’m going to get back to that ^ because I’m still like..... ugh. I have logical reasons that point to him, but emotionally I’m a bit of a wreck. So honestly, it sounds like Miu tried to kill Kokichi. You can see I underlined it in caps in the bottom right corner. 8′D I’m thinking Kokichi knew it was coming somehow? I’m not sure if it was just when they agreed to meet on the rooftop or before then, but I’m wondering if he set up Gonta as his bodyguard, knowing full well that Gonta has been slowly driving himself mad because of his inability to protect the people around him. I love Gonta, but he can get irrational when he gets emotional aka a certain insect-related incident...

As well as that, we have confirmed alibis: Tsumugi was with Shuichi, Kaito was out of range, Maki/K1-b0/Himiko were together, and Kokichi would have been paralyzed on contact. By process of elimination (which is so, so cold), Gonta is the only person who could have done it in the game - and we even saw him alone at the end, didn’t he?

So I’m wondering if it went like this...

Miu makes a move against Kokichi via their meeting

Gonta moves to protect Kokichi out of desperation and grabs her by the neck

She was definitely strangled, aka her expression/body position - Kokichi couldn’t do it because of the paralysis though, so it had to be someone else

Maybe Gonta didn’t realize his own strength, because he was rendered as weak as everyone else and he took the fact that he was nerfed to heart?

and/or maybe he just didn’t realize he killed Miu because he didn’t know he could in this world

pushed her off the roof via, uh, rolling up that lattice.. fencing... stuff sorry I don’t know I’m picturing her little avatar being wrapped up in fencing like a sushi roll and it’s making me laugh and sent her to the other side where she hits the chapel wall

can ~lie~ to us so well because he can’t remember his time in VR - he keeps referring to it as ‘sleep’ or ‘dream’

So that would explain why Kokichi seems to be dancing around us like he knows everything, but man... he’s also seriously ragging on Gonta despite Gonta saving his life??? And him basically using Gonta as disposable protection??? I’m a little scared about exactly what that means for Kokichi and his character, damn...

B-But even still, I can’t... quite... reconcile this in my head. Kokichi is literally the only person I can think of that has any sort of antagonism with Miu. Honestly, anyone else killing Miu is hard for me to imagine - which I guess is maybe the point? And the reason they ‘equalized’ everyone’s strength wasn’t to make Gonta easy to kill like I thought it was when we first went in there, but to make a physical murder like strangulation more difficult for him when he’s at the same strength as everyone else. So I mean, on a meta level/technical level, it does make sense! But - but - Gonta! How can it be Gonta! On a cold hard logic level I feel like it’s all sound, but emotionally.... oTL

I.... don’t......... want to...........

fuCK IT I’M GOING BACK IN TIME PRECIOUS BUG BOY I’M GOING TO FINISH KAITO’S FTE’S THEN I’M DOING YOURS

[valamerys]

I really enjoy your blog so is it okay if I ask you top 10 pet peeves in novels? It can be tropes or even a niche moment in a particular book. I like writing myself and would appreciate the help.

hmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM sure, I can come up with some things! bear in mind I read almost exclusively fantasy, and mostly “low” ie not game of thrones fantasy at that, including a loooot of YA, so my items will reflect that.

Top (YA, Fantasy) Fiction Pet Peeves:

1) Unnecessary post-apocalyptic setting  WHY THE FUCK. DO PEOPLE KEEP DOING THIS. WHAT DOES THIS GAIN ANYONE. WHAT IS THE POINT. Red Queen, The Selection, The Queen of the Tearling, and that weird TV show The Shanarananaharahahananaaa Chronicles all do this. It’s, frankly, a cheap-ass bid for Dark and Gritty points, and also an excuse to set things in America But Fantasy, and it’s always bad and awkward. This isn’t planet of the apes, just make your damn fantasy world; you don’t have to try to make it more ~realistic~ by putting the ruins of the statue of liberty in the background. That’s stupid and you’re stupid.

2) One-note characters  Mostly present via The Bitch or The Bully stereotype, but also seen in The Bratty Brother, The Sweet Sister, The Spacey DGAF Parent, and the Eccentric Wise Elder. I get that there’s not time to flesh out every single person your protagonist comes into contact with, but certain archetypes are so fucking boring and done to death that I tune out immediately. It’s not 2004 anymore. The game has evolved. We can do better. We can be more interesting.

Related to the sweet sister trope, I’d like to bring up this text post from my other blog:

3) When the protagonists’ actions/ choices do not affect the plot  Alright, this one isn’t even a pet peeve, it’s basic narrative construction. Your story is supposed to be about your protagonist (or your two or three protagonists, in a multi-pov story, but for simplicity’s sake we’ll talk about one) and their arc, how they change and grow. a) If their actions never have consequences, how the fuck do they, like, learn things? and b) if their actions have no bearing on the climax of the story, how the fuck does the story demonstrate that they’ve changed, or come to a meaningful conclusion that’s related to that? Sure there’s weird literary exceptions, and certainly some fantasy in particular is more plot than character driven, but if your character is honestly never proactive, particularly through the ending of the book, uh, i have a major problem and so should you.

4) The Mandatory Feminism Stuff  we should all know these by now. “Not Like Other Girls” is bad. Hating on corsets and other femme paraphernalia is bad (and moreover i personally resent it because I love corsets). A book with a female protagonist and no other important female characters (or only evil female characters) is bad. A high fantasy series that builds its worldbuilding on a raging patriarchy for the purpose of elevating a few specific women into positions of power for superficial RAH RAH FEMINISM points while not addressing systematic oppression is really, really bad. Defining female empowerment as only one thing (IE picking up a sword and Proving Yourself just as badass as all those scoffing men!!!) is bad. I’m very tired and I want to read about women-- different kinds of women, with different moral alignments and interests and abilities and ethnic backgrounds and ages and sexualities and beliefs-- helping each other and being forces in the world and in each others’ lives. That’s it. That’s all I want. I have no clue why that’s so elusive.

5) Characters being flippant to the point of stupidity because........ that’s cool, i guess?  Homygod, I am so sick to my teeth of characters who would get their asses kicked IRL for being obnoxious and overly glib be appraised with “wow, you’ve really got some nerve! I like you, kid!” or some variation therof. Mouthing off to superiors/ royalty? Charging into a fight on a stray heroic impulse despite everyone with a brain and their mom telling you you’re going to die because you just picked up swordfighting on tuesday? flagrantly and thoughtlessly disregarding engrained cultural things because they don’t align with your conveniently 2017 sense of social justice despite you living in an analogue-medieval world? Not cute. It will get you fucking killed. If your character doesn’t seem to grasp that, I’m going to think they’re a dumbshit, and if the book rewards rather than punishes that, I’m not going to take it very seriously. (obviously there are exceptions to this, particularly if your world doesn’t take itself very seriously, but if you expect to instill a real sense of danger in day-to-day life, your protagonist doesn’t get to be exempt from that because they’re hot and witty.)

6) Also, characters being stubborn. This goes with my last point, because it’s another trait people seem to think is like cool, or something? That stubborn people are stubborn because they’re Strong? that it’s a flaw but it’s actually a Cool Flaw, like in job interviews when they ask your weakness and you say “i’m just TOO hard of a worker, ha ha ha”? U see this a lot in female characters written by people who are uncomfortable writing female characters, i think because, again, it mistakenly reads as Strength on some really superficial level, and because the banter and petty conflict that arises from it temporarily distracts from weak overall characterization. If you’re going to write a character being stubborn, that’s great! But understand that a) it’s a real flaw that can genuinely blind them to good ideas and cause unnecessary friction that shouldn’t be treated as endearing, b) it’s not a replacement for other elements of characterization!! and c) it’s the flipside of being assertive, which is a good thing: no trait is only a flaw or a strength, and so any trait a character possess in abundance should both help and hinder them at different times, with maturity level tempering the bad, to a degree. stubbornness is no different.

7) Sexual assault (or the threat of it) all over the fucking place. Do i have to explain this one? Of course ownvoices books about sexual assault survivors are good and necessary but we are all sick to death of "fun” fantasy worlds where the female characters exist under the constant and unending threat of rape, where sexual assault is common as window dressing and the love interests are Super Special Feminist Snowflakes for being so revolutionary as to take consent into account. fuck that. that should be the bare fucking minimum. i am so tired.

8) The Six-Pack Sex Appeal Golem  Honestly, I am not here to hate on love triangles, because I am ALL ABOUT the romance and the more the merrier. But what i do really, really loathe is the incredibly narrow parameters that have come to exist for male love interests, to the point where they all tend to feel like the same guy in need of anger management: a little broody, smart, serious, jealous and protective to a fault, if we get his POV we get real creepy sexual thoughts out of nowhere while he acts vaguely standoffish and probably a little patronizing to a woman whose Attitude gives him a boner. This man does not experience emotions that can’t be interpreted as darkly sexual, or possibly A Little Bit Vulnerable, just for that one scene of mandatory backstory reveal. I recently reviewed a real bad romance novel and described the hero as “a barely-consistent golem of toxic masculine ideals” and that’s what I’m talking about here. MAKE YOUR LOVE INTERESTS WELL-ROUNDED AND UNIQUE CHARACTERS LIKE ALL YOUR OTHER CHARACTERS. Forget what’s “sexy,” I wanna see the male love interests be Soft and Weird and cry in an unattractive way. For further reading/ a great case study of the Masculine Golem, please just read this article about how abysmal the romance in ROAR is. (For what it’s worth, I actually think SJM manages to avoid this in the ACOTAR series. Rhys and Tamlin suck but they are still mostly consistent characters, not just shells inhabited by the spirit of heterosexuality. your mileage may vary, though.)

9) Secret Superpower/ She Was The Missing Princess/ Queen All Along  I think this is a trend that’s slowly but surely passing from YA, but for a while you couldn’t throw a rock in a bookstore without hitting a trilogy where a long-lost missing princess was established in chapter 1 and you spent the whole fucking first book knowing the orphaned heroine with a murky past was gonna turn out to be the princess and you were always right. Queens are also a huge fucking thing right now, although they don’t tend to follow that exact formula. See also the character’s discovery of a superpower catapulting them into a new exciting life-- basically any discovery of a Cool Sexy birthright as a catalyst for a plot is kind of played out and boring, at this point in time? This ties into my earlier point about wanting characters’ choices to shape the plot; it’s so much easier to have them reacting to external forces, especially dramatic, aesthetic ones, i get that, but you’ll get a more original and interesting story the more you resist that urge. And everyone is fucking tired of secret princesses and can spot them a mile away, y’all.

10) OMG magic is outlawed!!! BUT WAIT THE PROTAGONIST HAS SECRET MAGIC! CAN SHE RISE ABOVE PERSECUTION AND HER PROBABLE ROMANCE WITH THE PRINCE OF THIS POORLY-THOUGHT-OUT TOTALITARIAN REGIME TO LEAD ALL MAGIC-HAVERS TO FREEDOM AND ACCEPTANCE???? If you do this i’m going to come to your house and pour a cup of soda on your head. This is dumb and I can’t believe I’ve seen it multiple times. I’m not even explaining this it should be obvious.

Honorable mentions go to: Excessive mentions/ descriptions of eye color, really tired ways of describing kissing, elemental magic is super fucking overdone, instalove, and Training Montages

[kaninneko]

Cruentus (Ch.2)

The incredibly strong man was sprawled out in his futon, when he heard a low beeping sound. Raising his lips into a snarl, he reached out to stop the sound and in doing so felt his palm come into contact with something larger than a mere alarm clock. In confusion, Saitama opened one eye to peek at where he had landed. The beeping noise still occurred but was now muffled. His open eye traveled along his arm, slowly losing interest, until it reached his hand. There laid Genos, steam huffing out with embarrassment, with an apologetic look on his face.

"Forgive me for disturbing your sleep, master!" He belted out, as the young adult slowly began steaming up even more in increasing embarrassment and shame. "Yeah, okay. What's that beeping noise?" Saitama asked, as he dared to gently lift his hand from Genos's chest. Whilst doing so, he noticed that indeed he had left a hand-print indented into the left of his upper torso. "Shit, sorry man." "Do not worry master, it was indeed an error caused by myself. You see, I was being careless and undoubtedly curious about a new system in my body that Dr. Kuseno has put into my body lately and-" He got cut off by Saitama shushing him with a finger in front of his lips. "Twenty words or less, remember." He grunted, feeling regret for the hand-indent on his 'disciple's chest but that did not mean his rules would fluctuate. Genos has a very bad habit of waffling on and Saitama did not have the patience nor the attention-span at the moment to listen.

"Yes, master. ... I was investigating a new feature I spotted, and accidentally pulled on a wire I didn't realise was there. It seems to be a security alarm of some sort." "Like a car alarm?" The other asked, disregarding the fact that Genos was nine words over the limit. Instead he pictured the scenario of a car beeping when accidentally hit, a very small smile on his face in amusement. "Y-yes, it seems so." Genos fumbled to set the wire back in place, hushing the alarm.

Saitama looked away and sat up, thinking of what to do today. Leading an average life was boring. He reached over to the table and got Genos's phone, looking in his contacts. "Do you think I should invite King over today?" He asked himself more than anyone else, but Genos replied with a grunt in his voice as he tried to get the hand-shaped dent out of his chest armour. "Yes, that might be good. Will he bring his consoles over again?" "Probably, but we have to try to not break his controllers again, okay?" "Yes, master."

The bald man sighed, standing up. He looked back to the cyborg, a mild twang of guilt burning in him as he looked at the dents. "Sorry, man." "Do not worry master, it was not your fault. I chose an inappropriate time to investigate my upgrades." "Alright, well I'm going to get changed. Shall I cook breakfast?" Genos looked up at Saitama, and replied hastily with enthusiasm. "Master, please let me cook! I have caused you enough trouble already." The standing man itched his nose, thinking. "Fine, but don't use the toaster, since it's broken." "Okay!"

Saitama nodded and headed over to his clothes, changing into his daywear. It was quite warm today so he figured he would just wear a vest whilst indoors with blue shorts. "This look alright?" He asked the blonde, though he didn't really need to. Genos would see any stains faster than him however, which was quite handy. Said blonde quickly turned around, his apron lifting a little as he spun, and analysed the other man's clothes. "Yes, I see no imperfections. You 'look good', master." Saitama's brows furrowed at the younger man's choice of phrasing. "Er, thanks. You too." He decided to brush it off however and sat down at the table. However he did wonder why Genos always wore that apron. He had bought it as a sort of housewarming gift as the cyborg was very keen on keeping the house tidy, however the boy seemed to see something in it as he always wore it when he was cleaning. He told the blonde several times before that he didn't need to wear it to clean the place all the time, but Genos simply replied, 'This was a gift from Master, and so I must respect it by using it for its purpose.'

"Master, I have made our breakfast." Genos broke the older man's train of thoughts as he sat down as well, and served the food. He also reached for the remote and turned the TV onto the news, to watch as they always did.

¬And in today's news there are reports of city Y already starting the repairs of their high-rise flats thanks to the 'Metal Knight', however citisens are being forced to temporarily relocate in the meantime. Over to Kagame for the weather.¬

Saitama thought right. The people living there may still be alive and healthy now, but for how long? All of the temporary shelters for living in were full, and so those people would have to squat in an old, possibly disease-ridden, building or even worse, out on the porches of buildings in the street.

He suddenly didn't feel like such a 'good guy' anymore. Was he really helping them? Probably not. Did people want his help? Most likely, 'no'. Saitama was still willing to fight the monsters, but would the public he was protecting want him to? But what else was he to do?

Genos must've seen his darkening mood, and called out to him. "Master, are you okay?" He spoke in a softer, concerned voice. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just wondering if the public really needs someone like me, you know?" The cyborg almost sprung out of his seat to place the back of his hand onto the older man's forehead. Said man flinched in surprise, before asking him what he was doing. "Your temperature is fine... you don't seem sick either." The blonde analysed. "However you seem off lately, master." Saitama thought in a moment of silence, before releasing a slight sigh. "Yeah, I suppose I have. I think it's just how the public always portrays me, it makes me wonder if I really am the kind of hero they want." "I disagree with your statement, if you forgive me, but I think that you are the hero they need, rather than want. We all need you, Master."

"... Thanks, dude. But I don't know, maybe I've just been too idle lately." He pondered that maybe now would be a good time to call King and ask him if he wanted to come over to play a few games. "Hey, where's your phone?" He asked the adolescent. "Oh, I have it here." The cyborg replied, pulling it out of his pocket. He handed the mobile over to him, and the other man took it in hand, flipping it open and going through the contacts. "I'm going to ring King now." He declared nonchalantly, standing up to speak in the corridor. He might not be the perfect gentleman, but he had manners. "Hey.. Yeah are you free?.. Cool, do you want to come over and play some games?.. Y-Oh, really? Sure, that would be good. Alright then, bye."

Saitama hung up and handed the phone back to Genos. "Yeah, he's going to come over around lunch. He said he got a new multiplayer game we can try out." "I see. Should I prepare food for him too?" The blonde queried, changing his mental plans on what to make for lunch and the proportions of ingredients required. "Yeah, sometimes he brings over snacks but they aren't really that meal-worthy." he replied, sitting at the table again and observing the people talking on TV. It seemed to be a comedy, which was good. Saitama found that soaps were unnecessary, though every once in a while he'd catch his housemate watching one with strong interest. "Understood, Master."

A few hours later, the sound of knuckles hitting wood rattled from the front door. Once upon a time, the superhero-for-fun used to have a doorbell. It didn't last long though, as his neighbours weren't very friendly and found a way to take it off and smashed it. He was glad that he had no neighbours now, though it meant that the old lady on the ground floor wouldn't say hello to him anymore. She was the only decent person in the block of flats, and she always made cupcakes too. He never got to ask why. Genos went to answer the door instead, even though he was still wearing his apron. "Hello, Master is inside waiting for you. Please come in." He spoke formally to the taller man, stepping to the side, hearing a quiet banging of the 'king engine'. Genos assumed he was just 'pumped' to play fighting games.

The bigger-built man walked into the living room, and sat down by the TV. "Dude", he whispered, "why is he wearing that apron? isn't that what t-th" "You need to stop reading so much ecchi, man. It's just a household apron. He liked it because it had an egg on it and now he won't stop unless he's finished his cleaning routine." "Alright. Anyways, I bought the new 'Legend of Helda' today, since I had enough money after bills." "Man, you S-class guys get paid too much. I have to deal with buying only cheap stuff," "-but isn't that out of habit, master?" Genos interjected, setting the plates down on the table. "I have made a small assortment of rice balls, as we have not eaten them lately."

Saitama picked up a riceball the moment the plate landed on the table. He munched it down, before commenting that it was a good idea. "'Kay, let me set the console up whilst you get the disc out." He spoke, before taking another one to nibble on during his feud with the dreaded cables. To him, these things terrorised him more than monsters. They were up there with mosquitoes, a maze of wires that could lead to the wrong thing getting unplugged.

"Sure", King replied. By the time they had eaten their food, the console was functioning and the game had been inserted. "Agh, these adventures are far better than the one I go on. I can't remember the last time I had a damsel in distress asking me to help them." Saitama sighed, as he read the text box. "I have too many fans, it gets annoying as I can't do my shopping without getting noticed unless I put some kind of disguise on." The other gamer replied, in a voice just as disgruntled as his. "Oh, sucks to be you. I know the press's story of how you joined the HA, but what's your own personal reason?"

King grunted, unsure as to whether the monotone-voiced man was being sarcastic or not. "I didn't really have a reason, they had just told me it was compulsory for me to meet them. After that, they said I was a S-Class hero and gave me my certificate." "So, you're saying you were forced? What the hell, dude. Did they tell you what would happen if you refused?" "I suppose I was. I didn't want to ask but since that big guy crushed a city, I'm pretty sure they could've held me responsible and locked me away."

The bald man broke his eye-contact from the television screen to look at the hooded man with a serious look on his face. "That's not okay. I know the Heroes association is unfair when it comes to treatment of people and pay, but I didn't realise they forced people in too. Whoever gave the green-light on that idea is an asshole." "I dunno, I needed a better job anyways so it's not all bad." The other man shrugged, not really thinking that deep into it before. "You know, for a bored guy, you definitely give some interesting insights."

When the sun was approaching the horizon King decided to go home, triumphant after beating Saitama in a few fighting games again. The controller was yet again broken but it could get replaced easily. "You know, I'm still kinda hung up on what King said earlier." The householder laid on the couch, legs bent so that Genos could sit if he wanted to. "What do you think, Genos?" 

Said person opened his mouth, before analysing his response and realising it was far too long. He closed his again for a moment, and reopened it, replying, "I agree that it was unfair, not only on King but on the people who worked hard to get in. Like you, Master." "Using me is a bad example, but I get what you mean. I never realised the HA were so biased." "Though as biased as they are, they're the reason you don't need to work anymore." "I guess you're right. Though I don't pay for much now anyways, as we split the money on groceries and rent is afforable enough." "Master, I still believe you should not have to pay rent anymore. I insist you confront them sometime to withdraw your monthly bill." "Nah, just let them be." Saitama rolled onto his side, yawning. "As long as they aren't asking me for blood, I can put up with it."

-Chap 2 END-

(Notes: Okay so This is supposed to be a serious story, but come on, OPM is a comedy manga so I can't really resist; along with seeing the 'Naked' drawing of Genos having a car-lock for his 'you-know-where'... I thought it would be funny to play on that idea and say he has a 'Car Alarm' to scare off anyone trying to take his core, but Genos didn't ask Dr. Kuseno until when he visited him after that incident there. It was a new Idea from the doctor and got installed when Genos visited him last, which was the day before (hence why he wasn't with Saitama at the fight).)

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[elainescookingforthesoul]

TRANSCRIPT for Episode 1.06 “Robin’s Penne Bolognese” (PART 1/2)

ACT I

[INTRO MUSIC]

ELAINE: Hello and welcome back to Elaine's Cooking Podcast for the Soul. I am your host Elaine Martínez, and tonight...well, tonight listeners, in the interest of open communication, I've been feeling a little blue. I suspect it may be the temporary lockdown in place across LA making me a little stir-crazy...I've been stuck this dental office for the past three days. Or it could be the lean rations and the ongoing ban on bread. I don't know, sometimes I think it's just the death of most my friends and family after the rapid, haphazard exchange of nuclear weapons by now-extinct government bodies all those months ago...I hate to complain, but I know there might be other people feeling a little down, so thought it might be worth sharing. We all have ways of coping with sad emotions, but the best way for me is by cooking up something good and talking to myself! Today, however, I'm getting a little outside that old routine. Oh, I'm still cooking up something delicious, but this time around I'll be talking to a lovely new guest by the name of Robin Jones. Welcome, Robin! 

ROBIN: Hello, Elaine!

ELAINE: Robin, it is truly a pleasure to see you. Now we were once tangential acquaintances…

ROBIN: Yeah, I was your barista! Saw this babe every day for their chai tea latte. And now I get to hang out where you work! I didn't even know you were a dentist! Although I guess in retrospect, your scrubs and insistence that I use your #1 Dentist mug makes a little more sense.

ELAINE: Oh, I've missed those chai lattes, and I've missed your energy. Still have the cup though! See?

[CERAMIC MUG HITS TABLE]

ROBIN: Sick.

ELAINE: Well, what are we cooking up today, Miss Robin?

ROBIN: Firstly, before we get in too deep, I do prefer gender neutral pronouns such as they, them, or just Robin.

ELAINE: I hope I didn't offend you.

ROBIN: Nah, you didn't know! Now you do. Still prefer she and her?

ELAINE: That is correct. And secondly?

ROBIN: Secondly, let me just say when I heard you were doing a post-apocalyptic cooking podcast, I was like, okay, but there are only two ways to eat canned meat as far as I know: hot or cold, right? But then I remembered two very magical words: Penne Bolognese.

ELAINE: Italian!

ROBIN: Yup. The recipe I brought with me is a modified version of other, better versions. It uses only a can of diced tomatoes, a half cup of lentils, some tomato paste, a handful of illegal spices, and my least favorite noodle, the freaking tiny tube-ish one.

ELAINE: I see. Well your candor is much appreciated.

ROBIN: Sure sure, that's like my thing. Hey. Remember when you were talking about being sad and lonely?

ELAINE: Just a few moments ago?

ROBIN: Yeah.

ELAINE: Yes. Why?

ROBIN: Is that, like, the same as feeling bummed?

ELAINE: Maybe. What does feeling bummed feel like for you?

ROBIN: You know, bummed. For me it's like this engulfing wave thing that happens to my heart every once in a while when I remember everything I've lost. My mom, my sisters, my cats, my bluetooth earbuds...It feels like my heart is being squeezed, but also like I'm plummeting from the top of a roller coaster. But it's not fun at all.

ELAINE: Sounds like...and I am just a dentist and not a licensed therapist, psychologist, or medical doctor...but perhaps you are describing a panic attack brought on by feelings of sadness and isolation? 

ROBIN: Nah, I wasn't panicking at all though. I was just chilling in the abandoned Russian deli I've been living out of, sitting on the counter, eating some Sour Punch Straws and thinking about life.

ELAINE: Sure, but--

ROBIN: Like, for all intents and purposes, it was a pretty regular day.

ELAINE: My own anxiety has many triggers. Sometimes it seems to pop up quite randomly and can really lay me low.

ROBIN: Woof. Thank god I don't have that.

ELAINE: Right...Well, Robin, what I'd like to suggest is that you continue talking this out with a licensed therapist--I used to know many. But these days everyone of that ilk has been rounded up to work on those semi-sentient advertising robots.

ROBIN: You mean the Ad Ministers? Those things are...

ELAINE: Terrifying?

ROBIN: I was gonna say 'dope,' but yeah they're pretty fuckin terrifying.

ELAINE: Indeed. So since real methods of dealing with our declining mental health is temporarily unattainable, why don't we work through this by way of having a little fun cooking up some food and enjoying one another's company?  Why don't you share a little about this delightful dish with us!

ROBIN: Cool, I'll just like tamp those feelings down for now. Gimme a second.

ELAINE: Please, take your time.

ROBIN: Cool, all set. So for the dish there are basically two elements uniting here. We've got a real chunky tomato-ey sauce.

ELAINE: Plainly stated, I love it.

ROBIN: And we've got a noodle. 

ELAINE: Penne, to be precise.

ROBIN: Ugh, don't get me started. This dumb-looking tube is by far the least popular noodle, and it's impossible to trade at the ration swaps. Even wheat fettuccini noodles pull higher rank than this guy.

ELAINE: It is a very boring noodle. Let's get started on this sauce! Afterwards, we'll rinse out the pot and boil up the penne.

ROBIN: The sauce! Oh man, Elaine. I've really worked this one out. It's a huge step up from your regular jar of marinara. Lots more flavor, tons more protein. 

ELAINE: Ooh, and we certainly are not in a position to turn down protein.

ROBIN: No, we are not. So the sauce is real  simple. I brought with me a can of diced tomatoes. Will you open that?

ELAINE: Of course.

[CAN OPENER GRINDING]

ROBIN: And I guess I can get this hot plate thingy fired up...It's like a camping stove, huh?

[GAS/WHOOSH OF HOT PLATE]

ELAINE: Exactly. It gets that pot hot extremely fast. 

ROBIN: Perf. Just throw those tomatoes right on in, Elaine.

[SIZZLE]

ROBIN: And then we'll fill that can there with some water and add that as well. May I?

[WATER POURING]

ELAINE: Oh my. I never thought of using the water pick for cooking before.

ROBIN: Well, if we're gonna do this on top of a dental chair, we might as well use the whole hog, right? 

ELAINE: Very resourceful. 

ROBIN: Great. So we can just let that pot get hot...you weren't kidding. This thing works fast.

ELAINE: It is always an extremely high flame, and a very thin pot. 

ROBIN: Well alright. I guess it's time to add the tomato paste--just a squirt there, maybe a tablespoon's worth.

[SQUIRT AND SIZZLE]

ELAINE: Done. I'll just stir that in.

ROBIN: Great! And now we get to add all the illegal spices and herbs I bought and stole

ELAINE: So much candor.

ROBIN: It's my signature Sogbop spice. 

ELAINE: Sogbop. I can't say I have ever heard of that before.

ROBIN: Oh sure, that's because I made it up. It's a teaspoon each of salt, oregano, garlic powder, basil, onion powder, and parsley. All these herbs together make SOGBOP. It's like instant Italian.

ELAINE: Bellissimo!

ROBIN: Totinos! Pizza Roll-eys!

ELAINE: We should stop. We may be getting accidentally culturally insensitive.

ROBIN: Can I do one more?

ELAINE: No, we should return to the dish.

ROBIN: You're right. Anyway, I wanted to do that thing they always do in cooking shows where they have tiny little glass or ceramic bowls with the dosed out amounts of spice. But I just threw them all in this baby food jar here instead. Sorry it's less elegant. 

ELAINE: Not at all. I feel like a cooking show that is sustained without a visual element is entitled to certain shortcuts.

ROBIN: Totally. So at this point, the sauce is smelling pretty damn nice. The thing that's gonna make this an almost-Bolognese, though, is these lentils. I brought red lentils this time around, but brown lentils work fine too. 

ELAINE: Looks to be about half a cup.

ROBIN: Yup. We pour these bad boys in.

[LENTILS POUR]

ELAINE: We are nearing the capacity for this small one-quart pot.

ROBIN: And I think I'm gonna push it by adding even more water. 

[WATER SPRAYS IN]

ELAINE: Very nearly to the brim. 

ROBIN: Don't worry, the lentils will do their thing in a minute.

[WATER POURS OVER, SIZZLES]

ELAINE: If you say so. How long does it take to cook?

ROBIN:About ten or fifteen, I'd say. High flame, thin pot, right?

ELAINE: Right. Well perhaps we ought to take a quick break. Listeners, when we return we will be checking in on this delicious-smelling Bolognese sauce, boiling up some noodles, and conquering our anxiety and depression!

ROBIN: That's a tall order.

ELAINE: We'll start with the penne Bolognese and see if we have time for the other stuff.

ROBIN: Sounds good.

ELAINE: We'll be right back. Please stay still and do nothing, or other government-approved activities.

END OF ACT I

INTERLUDE/AD BREAK

ELAINE: Okay, listeners, please bear with me. As you probably know, every local business was assigned an Ad Minister--those patrolling android robot thingies? Anyway, I've locked mine in the lobby storage room because it's been playing this unbearably dull ad for that nondescript item nonstop all week, and--

AD MINISTER: Don't like this ad?

ELAINE: Oh...no, not really. I just--

AD MINISTER: I have heard every commercial. Generating new ad...ready.

ELAINE: Wow, great!

AD MINISTER: Lonely, but could be not blemishes! Have a local, organic body pore to leave you feeling full for hours! No money down, no soy, and NO sad. Happy here with kid-approved now! Try be and so good. Smooth, care, crunch. 

ELAINE

...okay. Well, back to the show!

[MUSICAL TRILL]