#but I also j feel like so much of what I’m seeing abt femmes on my feed

[baroquefemme]

.

[stomp-that-ho-regard]

(same anon) personally, I think ppl who ship i/modna are

a) deluding themselves bc you've already SEEN what c/r does. how has it not taught you anything? how are you still hoping that by some miracle they'll do smth different this time? I have to pity you your naivete. you're going to get burned again there's no two ways abt it

b) also should NOT face such utter backlash like. you know from the getgo that this was an attempt at an b/j apology ship. you just know it. I'm sorry to these so called Pseudo-intellectual Meta-Writers but if something as simple as pattern recognition as this doesn't get through to you, then I fear you aren't as Nuanced™ as u think you are lmao.

also, it's very funny that b/j fans who now go to i/modna are going to get harassed by the b/y crowd. like, I find the entire deal w c/r incredibly exhausting. but it's somehow very funny to me to see how threatened the b/y crowd still feels by b/j. when all we've done is literally nothing lmao we left. and YET you guys are still thinking about us. Still intent on making us the villians lol. Its hilarious house fear works on a subconscious level where you have to dehumanize us by making shit up abt us to feel validated in hating us. (remember the extremely harmful false info they spread abt b/j fans being trsnsphobic when literally a) all b/j fans I know are trans b) we are all so in on the trans b/j agenda like I remembered my friend & I being they/them beau truther and trans jester makes So much sense in a commentary about embracing femme it makes me heart sing. its so vile to say such absolutely untrue shit about us when we are literally all trans people having a good time w our trans b/j headcanons. imagine calling *us* t/erfs with nothing to back you on that gross misinformation.)

its very funny to me that b/y fans had to resort to calling *us* names when literally the actors marisha and ashley are the ones who equate lesbianism w pussy™ and constantly joke about genitalia. the sheer obsession w grossly sexualizing lesbians at every turn and pretending it's the height of romance. eugh.

no wonder something as organic and developing and emotionally competent (unlike the emotionally constipated b/y) threatens them. they couldn't BE beaujes. that's what bugs them to this day I think. why being canon still doesn't satiate their upset. because being "canon" doesn't erase that most of their speculation and fan-theories abt b/y is just that. all in their head.

anyway, enough of me talking down to b/y. the hangup they have from b/j shows on i/modna bc they didn't get to harass b/j fans enough. they gotta take it above and beyond to c3 to feel validated in the leftover anger they still have at b/j.

I have nothing to really add to your ask, anon, because you’ve pretty much said it all. But I do want to address the ‘a)’ at the top of your ask.

I made my own rant post about this very thing: seeing a bunch of BJ’s gleefully running back to CR because of Im/odna, and being frustrated and confused by it. Wondering why they would willingly go back to a thing that hurt them. And I said stuff about me not seeing any solid evidence that they’d take it to a romantic place and that there’s a higher probability that they’re just fucking around. That they’ll essentially ‘gal pal’ it. 

The thing about that stance though? I don’t want to be proven right. I don’t want to continue being right about terrible shit. I WANT to be proven wrong. I want CR to be better now than it was in C2. I want the cast to be more respectful towards their audience and not end up going “Ha ha! Psyche! We didn’t really mean it!”

I actually DO want this all to work out for the better. And for two reasons 1) because I want the BJ’s who are all-in for Im/odna to have something good to look forward to for once. Something to celebrate. And 2) I want them to be able to say to all of the bitter BY bitches, “We told you so. Everything we speculated was correct. We were right, you were wrong. Eat shit!” I want them to have something to rub in the faces of all the pricks who are actively rooting for Im/odna to fail.

Even with me. I will GLADLY eat shit too for doubting. If Marisha and Laura go full throttle to Romance Town, those same BJ’s are more than welcome to flood my inbox with unabashed gloating. And I will be thrilled.

I would gloat right along with them. Everyone in the Beaujester fandom (whether you ship Im/odna or not), is still dealing with all that shitty baggage from C2. And I think we ALL deserve a chance to gloat. We’ve been fucked around with and stomped on far too much. We should get something good.

However, if I am proven wrong, that doesn’t mean that I’m gonna suddenly fall in love with CR again. I’m not gonna give CR props, I’m not gonna watch C3, I’m not gonna buy merch, I’m not gonna start praising the cast and fawning over everything they say and do. I’m not gonna praise Marisha and Laura for finally committing to something. THAT would a bridge too far. If CR does something good for once, great. But I’m not gonna feel good for them. I’m gonna feel good for the people they did right by.

[homosexualeo]

1. He spends half a semester staring at me across the seminar table, flirts with me over Instagram, Super Likes me on Tinder only to say “I don’t date other grad students, I just wanted to show you some love” when you then ask him out. I feel confident he never would have swiped right in the first place if we had never met.

2. Around others, they are aggressively friendly and even flirtatious. Although they make it a point to mention they love spending time with other people, other bodies, every attempt to spend time with them one on one gets deflected or expanded into group plans; either way they rarely come to fruition. Eventually, over text, they tell me they are dating someone. This is our primary means of communication; it is the one where my body is least present.

3. I ask S out, they say yes. After three dates they tell me they aren’t in a space for dating and intimacy is hard for them right now. We keep flirting. A month goes by and I ask to check in. They say nothing has changed; intimacy is still hard. Two weeks later I see them on Grindr. I know that Grindr is used for a lot of different reasons, but I wonder why we never talked abt boundaries around intimacy before breaking up, and it crystalizes what has transpired. It has happened. Again.

4. I meet a social media celebrity through A, a mutual friend. We have heard of each other, but aren’t connected and don’t follow the other. This is common for queer of color microcelebrities. Queers of color always seem to think my work on bodies is somehow not as relevant to our communities. They rarely connect with and uplift my work the way I see white people from fat communities. This night, I see them flirt with the tall, thin, light skinned friend we met through. They post my work about economies of care on their platform for Valentine’s Day. I am flattered, and wonder why we never even exchanged numbers.

5. I’m with S at a dance party, shortly before I ask them out. I turn around and they are talking to someone that had approached them and introduced themselves. I keep dancing. I turn around and they are making out. I leave to give them space. Sometime later my friend reappears near me. Before I can talk to them someone else approaches them. And then other. I give them space. At the end of the night I leave without having met anyone new, without being approached or feeling confident any attempt of mine to approach someone would be received positively.

6. I’m with S on a date at a gay bar. A lesbian interrupts us to fawn over how beautiful they are in their tall, thin whiteness. She only interacts with me to affirm their beauty. Later we are at a coffee shop. Someone approaches them for a blind date for a friend and they decline graciously. We are sitting at the same table but the person does not interact with me. And even later, they casually name a Black trans femme mutual friend as being ‘bad at rejection.’ I wonder if they have considered how an evidently superior handle of rejection is might correlate w an experience of having opportunities handed to you, an experience less common for those of us not tall, thin and white.

7. My thin friends tell me abt their dates and their hook ups. They seem to offer this information as if it were not imbued. My attempts at making these connections similarly are rarely successful. My messages get responded to so infrequently I have stopped sending them. I offer the emotional labor of processing their rejections with them, and am humbled to see that thin people experience this too. I try not to ask for it back; I’m not sure if they can hold it. I’m not sure I can ask for anything at all.

8. My queer friends of color commiserate abt having our hearts broken by white ppl and masculine ppl. I wonder why we aren’t dating eachother but I also know why. The people we are fawning over are all some combination of thin, white or masculine.

9. My tall, thin, light skinned friend A and I talk abt how their normatively desired body is fetishized and tokenized in communities. I have listened to their stories of people crushing on them. I know the discomfort and dehumanization of being fetishized or even just desired. I would still take it.

10. Someone messages me on a chubby chaser platform and I can tell they are also fat because their message is polite, cautiously friendly and purposefully vague. It reads like a message I would send. I wonder abt the collective social histories that have produced this dynamic, and also why this is the only platform where I have seen ‘married (to a woman)’ as a relationship status.

11. I go on two dates with a fat, white guy I match with on Tinder. I find him obnoxious and ultimately us incompatible.

12. I have a date invitation from a fat man of color older than me. I’m open but reluctant, unsure of how well our political beliefs and intellectual interests align. I accept halfheartedly.

13. I gaslight myself by saying standards and expectations are not luxuries I can afford if I want to be loved. I wonder if the people I want to love me ever tell themselves this.

14. I spend most of last Monday sexting with a guy on Grindr. He initiates race play by telling me to worship his big white cock and tell him how much better white men are. I do it willingly, eagerly, happily. It feels good that someone wants to be honest with me for once. It fucks up my sleep schedule and we never end up meeting as promised.

15. A new friend taps me on Grindr. I feel confused abt the whole situation and try to lean into it. He makes a big show abt wanting to hang out; I invite him over at 11pm and he takes a raincheck. We mention plans abt Friday but never confirm so I make other plans. When he txts me that morning I feel guilty and cancel my other plans. He says he will txt when he is free. I dont expect to hear from him and have a fine night alone, but it hurts to be flaked on. When he finally txts at 2am I check in abt our tentative plans. He apologizes that time got away from him and I say I understand but it felt bad, am honest abt it being triggering and ask him to be more mindful in the future. He responds affirmatively and over the next few days our previously casual and consistent texting throughout the day slows to a complete stop.

16. The next night, I have a reading with T. 3 of my thin friends show up. I realize it’s the first time I see S since they broke up with me the second time. A and C come from hooking up w different people. J invited someone they wanna kiss, who kisses them back. I come home and C texts me abt how cute T is; T texts abt how cute S is. My thin friends throw themselves at eachother in front of me, casually mention their easy access to sex and pretend I have not recently vented abt the difficult it is for me to meet people, even for casual sex. Everyone is angry at S when I tell them the story. They all seem to see themselves as different, as separate.

17. This is how it is and how it always has been. I have no reason to believe it will ever be different. I have no more good faith to cling to.