#but APPARENTLY i listened to COMFORTABLY NUMB the most?????? i swear i skip that song at least half the time it comes on

[omegasmileyface]

this is the first year since i discovered miracle musical where the mind electric HASNT been in my top 2. congrats to my weird fucking obsession with pink floyd

[wheresmybuckyhoes]

The 3 forbidden words

Summary: What does Bucky do when you accidently let slip the 3 words everyone fears to say first in a relationship?

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

Warnings: Angst, loss of loved ones, swearing, references to sex, depression, numbness

This is another wonderful ask from @summerdaughter. This is quite an angsty fic, but as promised I ended it with a lot of fluff. Enjoy my lovelies x

*2 years ago*

You let out a satisfied sigh as you finished leafing through the mission briefing, sliding a rusted paper clip onto the thick stack of paper to hold it all together. You tossed it carelessly onto your bed side table, reaching over with a small groan to switch of the night light. You fell back into the warm embrace of your bed, eyes fluttering shut. Finally some rest. Finally you can silence your thoughts and drift off into blissful sleep. Finally you can quieten thoughts that you don’t dare let yourself think of even for second, for fear you will spiral back into the numbness that had consumed you since Thanos... Finally, you can sleep. But almost as soon as relief washes over you, your body tenses up once more and you see their faces in the darkness, eyes snapping open, you almost cry out into the silence.

You always hear people blaming a restless night or two on stress, insomnia or having a lot on their mind. No one ever talks about what losing that which you love can do to a person, when you’re all alone in your bed, accompanied by only the still silence of the empty room you spend most of your time in and your own prison - cell of a mind. It’s then, in the dead of night, that you miss them most. You miss their playful jokes, the way they would laugh with you, the way they would cry with you, the way their touch felt upon your skin. You missed Tony’s stupid inventions he gifted you when you were sad. You missed the feeling of Nat’s careful fingers braiding your hair when you were too tired to do so. You missed feeling like nothing could hurt you ever again when you were in Steve’s arms. For most, when darkness fell like a blanket upon the Earth, it was time to go to sleep. Not you, apparently.

You pushed yourself out from between the blankets, exposed feet making contact with the cool wooden floor. You swept the hair off your neck into a loose ponytail, the slight draft from the open window tickling your nape. You didn’t mind it in the slightest. You cringed at every creak and whinge of the floorboards, knowing you wouldn’t forgive yourself for waking Sam or Peter who both also barley got enough sleep as it is. You mindlessly made your way to the kitchen, lost in thought. You wanted some sort of alcoholic drink, something to dull your senses and numb your body. Maybe you would make some tea and spike it with vodka, or maybe you would just skip the tea and go straight for the vodka. You were surprised to find Bucky pulled up to the bar as you turned the corner, sipping generously on a whiskey, your breath catching as you took in his moon - lit frame. He was wearing grey sweatpants, tied loosely, but evidently he had chosen to wear nothing to cover his toned back which you found oddly calming to watch as he inhaled and exhaled slowly. You tried to match your speed with his, only just now noticing how quickly you had been breathing. He turned around, not a single hint of surprise or shock registering on his face as he beckoned with his head for you to sit beside him. You obliged gratefully, happy to have some company for once.

*one week ago*

‘and Wanda?’ you ask, Doctor Strange’s hologram stood in front of you as you nibbled on some toast. ‘We’re not sure. Last we heard, she had broken into some SWORD facility. I’ll update you if we find anything else’ he replied, giving you a sad smile with a million different meanings behind it. ‘...and how are we dealing with Morgan?’ you asked, voice breaking as you tried not to think about how she has to grow up without a father, just like you did. ‘Pepper is doing just fine with Happy’s help. Don’t worry about her, y/n. You’ve got enough on your plate as it is’, Strange replied sympathetically. You nodded dutifully, thanking him and switching off the device. ‘They’ll find her, y/n. Don’t worry. They have to’ Peter comforted you, patting your shoulder apologetically. He may not have known Wanda for long, but he knew how close you two were, and don’t get me started on how closely he sympathised with Morgan Stark. 

Peter soon left after he had downed a few cups of shitty coffee, promising to return in the afternoon. You had seen him try to grab his suit without you noticing, but you decided to leave him be, saying nothing to Sam as he also left to go help out with something in Wakanda. You had been alone for an hour or so at most when Bucky strolled in, humming to himself a song which seemed all too familiar. ‘What’s that song. I know it’ you questioned, patting the couch as Bucky slumped down beside you. ‘I don’t know the name, doll’ he sighed, swinging his arm around the back of your shoulders, in a way that almost seemed like he was sort of shielding you. You always felt safe beside Bucky. You pulled his face against yours, kissing him softly as he cupped your face gently with his metallic fingers. ‘I was worried Spidey boy was going to hog you forever’ Bucky laughed, brushing his thumb over your bottom lip making you giggle. You sighed contently as you melted into his warm embrace, inhaling his heavenly, euphoric scent. Without thinking, the 3 forbidden words poured out of your mouth before you could stop yourself. I love you. Withdrawing his hand abruptly, you noticed Bucky’s eyes widen slightly in a panic, his hands meeting each other in his lap, flesh fingers tracing over metal ones as he always did when he was uncomfortable. ‘...this couch. I love this couch’ you corrected yourself awkwardly, not wanting to make eye contact for fear of tears from your eyes at once, like blood from a wound. Uncontrollable, painful.

But as Bucky laughed nervously, getting up to grab a mug of tea, you bit your lip in deep thought. You had been dating for almost 2 years, now. It was easy, and made sense, finding comfort in each-other after suffering the same loses. It had been going well, even better than well. Great. You had slept together after only a few weeks, finding his touch not only pleasurable, but comforting, almost filling one of the many holes puncturing your heart. You never felt the need to label yourself, confident that Bucky wanted and felt the same as you, reciprocating your love for him. But what if you were wrong?

But if he felt the same as you, why then, was he so scared of saying ‘I love you’ back? You got up, shaking slightly as you walked around the kitchen island to stand in front of him. ‘I love you, Bucky’ you stated, looking him straight in those big blue eyes. Bucky on the other hand suddenly found his cup of tea super interesting, staring at it intently. You shook your head with frustration, taking the cup out of his hand and placing it down harshly on the countertop with a sharp bang, tea spilling over the sides. ‘Why won’t you say it back, Barnes?’.

Bucky almost choked on air as ‘Barnes’ fired from your mouth. Now he knew you were angry, but he didn’t understand. ‘I don’t understand’ he said truthfully, finally finding your eyes with his own. ‘Why do we need to say it out loud when we’re both thinking it anyway?’ he asked you, a look of genuine confusion splayed across his face. ‘That’s what people like us usually do’ you replied, reminding yourself to hold your tongue carefully and not let your bad - temper take over.

‘What do you mean, people like us?’ he continued with his previous style of stupid questioning, and you wondered how someone could be this daft. ‘A couple, Bucky! Boyfriend and girlfriend. People who are dating. Lovers. Partners. Must I continue?’ you replied, losing your patience with him. You had already been through so much pain, did he really need to inflict even more. ‘I told you when we started this thing, doll, I wasn’t ready to date. I had just lost Steve...’ you noticed a slight waver in his voice at the mention of Steve, and you too slightly winced upon hearing the name of your beloved friend who had left you both when you needed him most. At the same time, hearing him call you doll when you were so enraged just ticked you off even more. ‘...and I wasn’t ready to be romantically involved with anyone’ he finished, waiting to see your reaction. If ever there was a time for Bucky to be scared, it was now.

You bit down harshly on your tongue to stop yourself from crying, because you knew once you let the pain in, it would never stop. ‘But it’s been 2 years Bucky. I thought...’ you waved your hand dismissively in the air as if you were waving an actual thought away. ‘So it was just sex to you?’ you finally dared ask, the question almost a punch to Bucky’s gut, causing him to writhe under your burning gaze. ‘No, doll, no it wasn’t just sex I never -‘ he tried to scramble for some sort of logical explanation, but you were hurt beyond belief.

You exhaled humorously, laughing to yourself. ‘You’re the winter soldier, Bucky. Enhanced to live many more years than the average human. You and Steve both. Need I remind you I’m just a weak mortal, like them. Just like Tony, and Nat, and look where they ended up. Dead’ you spoke the last word with such pain and sharpness, it was like you had stabbed Bucky with one of his own knives, and Bucky almost trembled. You forgot he could hear your heartbeat, part of the perks of being ‘enhanced’, as you called it, and your heart was racing faster and faster with every passing moment. All he could do was listen to it race away, and try not to let his own one break.

‘You may still have battles to fight. People to avenge, people to make amends with. But I am so done with this bullshit Bucky. I’ve lost enough to know that I never want to kill another soul again. Thanos was the last. Thanos is the last. I want to settle down. Maybe even start a family one day, I don’t fucking know. I was hoping it could be with you’ Bucky tried to interject but you held up a red tipped finger, silencing him.

‘If your not ready, that’s fine. I’m ok with that. You know why, Barnes? Because I fucking love you, and I’ll never stop loving you, till the end of the line’  your lip quivered with that last sentence, shoving him back and racing to the elevator to escape this place, to escape him. You don’t know how many hours you were gone for, but when you came back, he was gone.

*now*

‘It’s not your fault he’s gone, y/n. Don’t you dare blame yourself, he made his choice’ Sam spoke gently, a solemn, understanding look passing between him and Peter. You plastered a fake smile on your face, one not quite reaching your eyes as you reassured them you weren’t blaming yourself. A lie.

Bucky was gone when you came back the day of your fight, all that was left was a note scrawled in his old-fashioned handwriting. You noticed parts of the ink was slightly smudged in an odd sort of way, like salted tears had fallen upon it. I’m sorry doll. I love you so much, I really do. I’m just so unbelievably scared that if we became serious, I would just end up hurting you, just like I did them. You blinked back tears, realising he was referring to Steve, Nat and Tony. ‘It’s not your fault baby’, you whispered to the empty room.

The ringing of the doorbell stirred you from your thoughts, causing you to jump. ‘Wait here’ Sam commanded you as him and Peter entered the elevator and travelled down to see who was bothering what was left of the avengers. You watched the numbers go all the way from 6 down to 0 as the elevator evidently reached the ground floor.

A few minutes passed. You sat at the kitchen table, sipping gingerly on that shitty coffee you all loved so much before you heard the elevator ding as it slid open to reveal Sam, Peter and Bucky stood inside. It was then that Peter suddenly decided he had to help Sam with ‘stuff’, as the spider boy so poetically and subtly put it. You glared at the boys as they shuffled around in the small elevator, swiftly making a getaway, as Bucky timidly stepped out. You crossed your arms.

‘Back again so soon? Here to hurt your other friends?’ you shot at him, pushing down the feeling of guilt as soon as the words left your mouth. You seemed to have forgotten the words of his note as quickly as you had read them. Bucky walked up to you, nervously to say the least, reaching into his pocket. You raised your eyebrows in confusion awaiting his response, as he took a deep breath.

The look of confusion soon morphed into shock as the super soldier gracefully got down to one knee, pulling out what you recognised with awe to be a ring. ‘I’m so sorry I hurt you doll. Took me a few days to get my shit together, realise Steve would kick me for leaving if he was still here, find the right one (he nodded towards the ring held so carefully in his hands), and I couldn’t let you down again...won’t let you down ever again. I love you more than I could ever put into words and would love nothing more then to be with you...till the end of the line’ You struggled to hold in tears as you hands flew to your mouth, the first real smile of many days growing to cover your face. Your shaky breaths only quickened as Bucky smiled at you like a happy puppy, at last sure of where he wanted to be, and who he wanted to be with.

‘Y/n S/n, will you make me the happiest super soldier alive and...’ Bucky tried to say as he held the ring out to you from beneath you, but a high pitched ‘Yes’ escaped from your mouth muffled by your trembling hands as you nodded, cheeks now glistening with tears. ‘You didn’t let me finish, will you...’

‘Yes’ you stopped him again as his sweet eyes crinkled at the sides from both laughter and frustration, as e stood up and you quickly brushed your lip against his impatiently.

‘Marry me, doll’ he finished, as he slid the ring perfectly onto your finger, diamond sparkling in the sunlight as you heard a small squeal from the direction of the elevator followed by the sound of a man elbowing a teenage boy playfully in the ribs. Before he could get another word out, you pulled Bucky in by the collar of his tight leather jacket with one arm ripped off, kissing him deeply, pouring in all your love and affection. You pulled back, reaching for his hand and pulling him towards the bedroom, away from a few certain someones prying eyes.

‘I thought this relationship wasn’t about sex?’ the handsome motherfucker grinned. ‘Oh so you don’t want to fuck me then, Barnes?’ Oh, now he was in trouble. ‘I never said that...’ he replied smugly, tossing you over his shoulder bringing you both to your room, onto the bed and under the covers.

[fuckedurbias]

afraid - park sungjin

DAY6 AS DAY6 SONGS PART 2 - part 1 

genre: demon!sungjin au, angst & lil bit of fluff

requested? hehe both yes and no

word count: 3.8k 

warnings: ee bit of a horror warning but it’s not graphic at all except for one sentence, also a tiny bit of an assault incident but again, not graphic at all. BIG heartache warning tho :(

A/N; just like part 1, the italicised words are lyrics from the day6 song ‘afraid’ listen here while you read along!

Sometimes when I see you next to me, it seems like you’re unhappy because of my greed

It wasn’t always like this. In fact, it hadn’t been like this until recently. Only recently had you started appearing more tired, more drained. It became more apparent that you were struggling. Especially when you were around Sungjin. You were clearly trying to put on a strong face so he didn’t worry about you; trying to keep both him and yourself happy, but it was clear what was going on. Sungjin felt so much guilt, like this was his fault – he couldn’t think of a reason other than himself to what could be causing you to feel this way. He was trying to help you but he didn’t know how, he had never learnt how or how to experience anything other than what he knows, which is nothing. He is nothing. All he had was memories; and he was so desperately trying to hold onto those memories of what you used to be like, what this relationship used to be like. He’s trying to show you what it was and should be, but it only makes it worse. Only makes you more drained. 

The you who said the sky was so beautiful, now walking looking at the ground

One of his favourite memories of you was the first time he’d ever been outside during the day time; it was with you. A few days after he first met you and you promised him the sun isn’t scary and won’t hurt him, even though you didn’t quite understand that the sun was dangerous for him – being a literal demon and all, but he still promised to give it a go just for you. He still told you that he can’t stay outside for too long though, he didn’t explain why as to not scare you off but you still said it was okay, all you needed was 10 minutes. You took him out to the big, empty grass hill near your building and at first he was confused, what could you two possibly do that’s fun here? He was even more confused when you just fell back on the grass, sprawling out on your back. You patted the spot next to you; guesturing for him to lay down too. So he did. You two just laid there, watching the clouds pass by and talking about nothing in particular. He realised that you were right, the sun does feel nice when you’re human; or at least in a human form. Whilst his body didn’t operate at all like a human’s and it is practically just a suit to him, he could at least actually feel the sun on his skin, even though his skin wasn’t absorbing it. It felt warm, and the sky looked beautiful. You felt warm, and you looked beautiful – you were his sky. Looking at you in this moment whilst remembering that happy memory breaks his heart, you barely even look up at him, let alone the sky.

It feels like I’m looking at myself

You still are his sky, and he hates that he doesn’t know what to do to help you. He is a literal demon; all he knows is how to hurt, he doesn’t know how to be good and to help people like you. You are so good and pure, your aura is literally a mixture of white and beautiful lilac, the purest of all forms. It still is that; which would bring him comfort, until he sees how faded and weak it is. It’s like looking at himself, especially before he became a demon and succumbed completely to the darkness and pain and he prays to every kind of God that humans believe in that you won’t end up like that. He would never forgive himself. You’re walking in front of him right now, and he remembers the times you would be doing exactly this – but humming and skipping happily and telling him to catch up, but now you’re just staring straight ahead in silence. What has happened? What has he done wrong to let this happen? To let this happen to you and to your relationship. He felt like he’d failed you; and one too many times at that.

You are like the moon that lights up the black sky

When the both of you used to explore the town at night, going to Sungjin’s favourite secret spots where he used to go to find humans and feed off them; but he didn’t tell you that’s what he used it for, but you knew anyways. The first time he took you to his favourite cliff where you can see the city, the view looking so beautiful all lit up at night time. That was the first time you held his hand and even though he doesn’t have a heart, he felt something spark deep inside the core of his soul. You had to shut his fingers around yours with your other hand – he’d never held hands before so he was clueless, but he thought it felt so nice and secure. You leant your head against his shoulder and took a deep breath as you closed your eyes and he swears he really did truly feel human in that time, his soul was so calm and he felt bright. The glow of the moonlight on your face made you look like an angel and he knows this for sure because he has seen angels, but none of them looked as beautiful as you did; and nothing ever will. You truly saved him and made him feel something other than numb & darkness.

But your light is gradually being covered by my darkness

He’d tried to ask you what was wrong so many times but all you said was ‘I’m just tired from work and uni”, but he knew that wasn’t the truth; or at least, not all of it. No matter how much he tried to tell himself it wasn’t his fault, he knew deep down it was. Being a demon, he’s built to bring darkness and drain humans and all conscious beings of their life force – it would be no surprise if he was unintentionally doing it. It’s very likely. Especially being around you so much and confiding in you, telling you about all the issues and problems he’s facing currently and what he went through in his human life. It was and is messed up, so it’s no surprise it would gradually wear you down and start to affect you so much. His black, void-like aura and being was gradually starting to cover yours and suck your light away. There was nothing either of you could do to stop it. Well, there was one thing, but neither of you wanted to do it. You both loved each other too much to do it.

Even in this moment when you smile at me

He teleports to be right in front of you, making you stop in your tracks. You can’t look at him.

“Look at me” His deep voice commands. You just let out a sob in response, refusing to look up. He puts his thumb underneath your chin and lifts it up, making you look him in the eyes. For as long as you’ve known him, his eyes have never been anything other than black – but for just a second, you could’ve sworn you saw the prettiest mix of golden brown. That only makes you cry more.

“What’s wrong?” Sungjin asks, moving his hands to be either side of your face, cradling your cheeks in his hands.

“It doesn’t matter” You say, trying to turn away. He refuses to let you go.

“Stop lying to me, I can’t stand seeing you like this any longer” He stares into your eyes, like he’s staring into your soul. Which he is. You just look up at him, eyebrows furrowed as the tears continue to fall. He rubs them away with his thumb.

“I don’t know why I’m hurting Sungjin, it just started one day and it’s been building up”, you sob “It won’t go away”. Even though you did know why you were hurting, you couldn’t tell him. You never would. It would kill the both of you. He knew that you were keeping a secret from him, he had known since the moment you met. He hated that his powers didn’t work well enough on you, so he was unable to read your mind.

“It’s okay Jin, let’s just carry on with our date” You gave him a pathetic attempt at a smile and grabbed his hands from your cheeks, intertwining your fingers as you continued on forward along the riverside to your date spot.

I don’t think I could make you happier than before you knew me

You first met Sungjin when you arrived home from a night out with your friends; a 21st birthday party. You had got out of the Uber and were walking into the entry of your apartment complex but just as you arrived to the steps a man jumps out of the bushes and attacks you, trying to rob you. You tried to fight back but he overpowered you, pushing you onto the concrete and standing over you, holding a knife out – threatening to slash you if you didn’t give him your belongings. Your inner voice was screaming at you to just throw your bag and run for your life; he wanted the bag not you! But you were too frozen in fear to move or do anything. Your senses dimmed and you didn’t know what to do, closing your eyes as you braced yourself for the painful feeling of the knife. Suddenly, you felt a strong, gush of wind fly past you, only lasting for a mere second and when you opened your eyes, the man was gone. You looked around in utter shock, there was no trace that he was ever there. You grabbed your bag and stood up quickly, preparing to run inside until something black appeared in front of you. You screamed out of fright.

“You’re not safe, I only got rid of him so I could have you for myself” The thing grins, the most evil and terrifying sight you’ve ever seen in your life. It raises itself off the ground and over you, two glowing red dots appearing as it stares into your soul, trying to manipulate your mind to take over you so it can devour you. It doesn’t work, you just stare in fear and it watches you.

“Why won’t it work?” It growls.

“I- Why won’t what work? What are you trying to do to me?!” You panic, confused. The thing roars in confusion, going back on the ground and moulding into a human form. A human that, you in particular, recognise.

From that moment on, Sungjin hung around you a lot. He didn’t know why he was so drawn to you but he guessed that since his powers didn’t work on you, you were special; he found you so interesting, not useless like other humans. Especially if you weren’t scared of him after seeing his true form. You’ve told him many times before that you’re glad he’s in your life - that he makes it more interesting and exciting, but he is very doubtful of that.

I’m so afraid that you will become like me

As he sits next to you on the bench overlooking the river, looking at you as you don’t even admire the night view of the city like you used to, he sees your aura fading even more. It’s not turning dark it’s just, fading. He’s so worried that you’ll just become a mindless, numb, emotionless person. Like him. What if you did literally become like him? A demon. He’d been working so hard on keeping other demons away from you, especially because once they find out Sungjin has been hanging out with you and didn’t kill you. They’ll be so mad. Then both you and him will have to be destroyed. Especially when he tries to convince them that he has fallen in love with you, because demons aren’t supposed to feel. He can’t really feel anything - at least he doesn’t think so, but when he is around you he feels tingly and warm and that’s something. He loves that you can feel the things he can’t for him and when he’s around you he can feel what you feel even if it’s not coming from himself. That’s why he thinks- no, he knows he’s in love with you, because when he still isn’t around you and even thinks of you, the tingly warm feeling is still there.  

You who hurts because of me

“Look, I don’t want to make you upset but please just tell me what’s wrong. I know you’re hiding something from me and I’d rather you just tell me than hide it from me and have it affect you this much” Sungjin blurts out, squeezing your hand tightly to comfort you. You can do nothing but sob in response.

“I can’t… It’ll break me… It’ll break you” You heave in between sobs.

“I’m literally a demon – I’ve seen death, I’ve killed people. Nothing you say can be worse than that” Sungjin explains, chuckling to try and lighten the mood. “Fine”, you gulp “Do you remember anything at all from before you were a demon?”. Sungjin turns to you immediately, feeling something inside of him that he’s never felt before. It wasn’t coming from you; it was all him.

“I-I… No? Only the few really painful moments that I’ve told you about, other than that I only really remember when I began to turn into a demon but… Nothing other than that” He stutters, struggling for words.

“Sungjin I… I think there’s more to why you couldn’t kill me that night” Your throat is closing up; you can’t say it. Sungjin is looking at you, eyes wide and frozen with panic.

“When you were human, we knew each other…. For a long time”, you look into his eyes, seeing the golden brown again “we were in love, we were together for 3 years.” Sungjin feels his soul overcome with dread, worse than any kind of dread he’s felt before.

“We were happy, you were happy; until you moved away to another country. As much as we loved each other the distance became too much and soon you went off the radar completely, it broke my heart”, you say, starting to cry again “I didn’t know what happened to you, I tried to check up on you but you never replied. I just assumed you moved on”. Sungjin turns away, suddenly getting all these flashes of the times you spent together in his human life.

“But I guess… this is what happened”, you gesture to his body “and I don’t know how you ended up back here but you did, it must be fate or something”. Sungjin is frozen, being tortured by the pain of seeing all your old happy memories flashing in his mind. His soul is aching, crying, screaming. He is feeling and it is awful. He doesn’t know what to do, he can’t take it. So he just roars and melts into a shadow and flies away at the speed of light. You scream and cry out for him, but he’s gone. And you’re left alone. Again.

Me who hurts when you’re gone

He tries to distance himself after that, staying away from you and watching over you from the shadows. But it kills him to do so, especially seeing you so broken. He lets himself down every time and appears to you, visiting you in your apartment and cuddling with you and spending time with you like he used to. He apologised for the other night, but you said he didn’t need to; you understood that it must’ve been really hard for him to process at the time, especially reliving his whole life at once and remembering such important & emotional memories. Especially going from feeling literally nothing other than dread to everything all at once. In the back of your mind though, you honestly are surprised he came back. Even more so knowing that he shouldn’t have. Both of you know what has to happen but neither of you wants to bring it up. He hurts so bad when you’re not around, even more now that he remembers his human life. It brings back that feeling. You’re making him feel on his own now, he’s not just mirroring your feelings. It’s all coming from such a deep place in his dark soul.

What should I do

You told yourself that today when he comes over, you’ll do it. You’ll tell Sungjin what neither of you want to talk about, it will tear you up inside; it already is… but it has to be done for the greater good. Before you know it he appears behind you in the bathroom mirror; you close the cabinet door after putting back your toothbrush and he’s there, smiling. You don’t even jump, you’re used to it by now. He walks up and wraps his arms around you, trying to hug you but you push away.

“What’s wrong?” He asks, looking at you in confusion. You can’t respond, you just look away and rush out of the room. He teleports in front of you, forming into a black silhouette coming out of the ground before his human form appears.

“Don’t walk away, talk to me” He begs, holding your shoulders to stop you from trying to escape again. You just look at the ground, it’s already tearing you apart and you haven’t even said anything yet. You’re trying so hard not to burst into tears, you have to do this and be serious about it – no matter how badly it’s hurting you. It needs to happen.

“Sungjin… You know what has to happen, right? I know you do” You inhale deeply, voice shaking. His whole being suddenly turns really dark, looking at you with a blank expression.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t save you; that you turned into this and that I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I’m so so sorry”, You continue, taking his hands in yours “but you know that we can’t be together in any way anymore. We’re endangering each other… We have to move on”. Your lip trembles, this is so much harder than the first time he left. Sungjin just squeezes your hands back, they feel so warm – so real.

“I know we can’t, but I love you too much. I know I shouldn’t be able to feel emotions anymore, but what I am definitely sure of - I feel it so deep in my soul, is that I love you. I always have and always will” Sungjin says, his eyes glowing that golden brown as he looked at you. This time it didn’t go away.

“I love you too, I’ll never forget you – I’ll never love anyone or anything as much as I’ve loved you” You reply, looking up into his eyes.

“And don’t feel sorry for what has happened to me, to us. It’s not your fault, you had nothing to do with it at all” Sungjin reassures you, pulling you into his chest as he squeezes you tight. You’re used to not hearing a heartbeat, but this one time it catches you off guard a little bit.

“I know but, sometimes I wonder that if I just made you happier-“

“Stop it, you made me so happy. All the memories I saw from my human life with you, none of them were anything other than happy, even now. You’re such a bright, healing person and anyone who knows you or will know you will be beyond blessed to have you in their life” Sungjin interrupts you, rubbing your head with his hand.

“For a demon, you’re really sweet” You giggle into his chest, feeling your tears drying up on your cheeks.

“Thanks, I know” He chuckles. You look up at him, resting your chin on his chest as he swings you both side to side.

“I’m really gonna miss you” Your voice shakes again, eyes starting to tear up again.

“I’ll miss you too, and even though I’m not around physically – I will always protect you and never let anything hurt you” Sungjin comforts you, stroking your cheeks with his thumbs. He kisses your forehead, wiping a tear away with his thumb as it falls from your eye. His gaze falls to your lips, slowly leaning in as his lips connect with yours. This is the first time you’ve kissed since he’s come back into your life, if only it wasn’t under such awful circumstances. You feel like you’re in heaven, eyes closed and feeling nothing other than Sungjin’s cold lips on yours - they feel so real. When you open your eyes, he’s gone. You fall to the floor and sob, clutching your chest. You though you’d already felt the pain of losing him, but this was beyond compare.

I can’t let you go or hold you back

From that moment on, Sungjin keeps his promise to protect you. Getting rid of any trace that you and him were ever together, making sure that no other demons will ever find out and by result, find you. If they ever knew about you two, you’d be killed and shunned to hell forever alongside him. He watches over you from the shadows, making sure he is invisible as he clears the path for you on your way home and visits you while you sleep, making sure you only ever have the sweetest of dreams. He knows he has to stop seeing you altogether but, he doubts he will ever be able to fully leave you; he just lessens the amount of times he visits you, making sure it’s only every so often or when you really need it. When he is around, even though you can’t see him you swear you can feel it in your heart and soul, the feeling that you used to get when you’d see him as a human. He can’t say it won’t break him inside when you do eventually move on and find someone else, but he won’t hold you back or stop it from happening. He wouldn’t be able to forgive himself if he did. As long as they protect you and make you happy – because if they ever break your heart, he will find them and rip out their insides and suck their soul right out of their mouth, literally. Sometimes he thinks that it’s better you two parted ways, after all he does have to kill people to be able to exist and survive; being indebted to the devil forever and all, but he will never truly be able to let you go. While it does scare him, it comforts him. But he vowed to himself that even if he is a demon, he will be your guardian angel until the day you die.

I’m so afraid

[teamkaiforever]

ALWAYS (T)HERE

Kai Parker x Reader word count: 2 634 / reading time: 9-10 minutes summary: Reader is feeling down and ends up shutting out Kai, her boyfriend, but he finds a way to get back to her. [aka a story written when your fandoms go ‘criss cross apple sauce’; i wrote this a while back, and only finished it late last night… i couldn’t help myself. i’m on an emotions overload because of IMB today…] | *gif by me ________________________________________

Her gaze drifted towards her ringing phone and she sighed, pulling the blanket over her head. Almost a whole week had passed since one of those moods had come to visit her, the one where she felt like she was floating between being sad, depressed, happy and everything seemed to be closing in on her. There was nothing wrong, not really. Yet at the same time everything was wrong or off in some way. Her plans for the month ahead, heck for the week, had backfired and happiness seemed to slip through her fingers. It had gotten so bad she had had to move back to her old house and leave her best friend and boyfriend Kai out in the cold. Literally. Shutting him out hadn’t been intentional and she knew it hurt him being away from her, just like it hurt her being away from him. But his attempts to cheer her up had only seemed to make her feel worse and she had packed an overnight bag saying it would only be a night of them being apart. He had reluctantly let her go, but her night had turned into five whole days of her not leaving the house. Or the couch. And every day since, Kai had been there respecting her needing time and waiting for her to let him in. Her boyfriend was persistent, sliding notes under the door sometimes just with a heart drawn on a piece of paper; others with a message knowing she probably isn’t paying attention to her phone at all. Her heart knew shutting him out was tearing him inside, but there was nothing she could do. Putting on a smile and pretending to be fine wasn’t working or fooling anyone, specially not him. And being alone with her thoughts, running in all directions and trying to suffocate her at times wasn’t helping either. Suffocating them wasn’t an easy thing to do either and only music seemed to help her ease her mind a little bit, keep her from giving up –

Knock knock.

Y/N sighed. “Don’t take it personal, I’m just –“ she said quietly, knowing he is listening with his vampire hearing. “—everything is a little too much right now.”

About half a minute passed before her phone buzzed with a text message. And then another… and another. Finally the buzzing caused her phone to slip from the coffee table to the floor and she pushed the blanket off her head, slightly bending over to get it. Eleven messages from Kai – Okay…she thought, swiping her finger across the screen. There were no text messages, just pictures of him sitting outside in the rain. Y/N looked around, then out the window. Rain poured down in almost a completely thick veil, threes swayed a little and she panicked.

   “Malachai –“

   “Yeah?” he called out, placing his hand on the door. “You know, I love how you are finally talking to me. I had forgotten how beautiful my name sounds when you say it. Really missed that –“

Her lips curled up a little. “No muddy shoes inside.”

A moment later she heard the lock open and Kai step inside. Even without looking she could hear him kick off his shoes and leave them by the door, then soundlessly make his way towards her. Y/N looked up at him and pulled the blanket over her head again. Five days and she had almost forgotten how sexy he looked. Almost. How can he look so perfect 24/7, she wondered. Absolutely flawless with his hair wet, those beautiful blue/gray eyes filled with so much warmth, love and worry –

Kai sighed, sitting on the couch. His fingers tugged at the blanket, pulling it away but as much as she tugged at it from the other end, he was much stronger than her even without his vampirism. “I haven’t seen those beautiful eyes in days. Can’t deny me now –“ Y/N sighed, blinking twice before trying to pull the blanket over her head again. “Obviously, you can but … I hope you won’t.” Her lips pressed together for a moment while she ran her fingers through her messy hair and Kai looked at her with puppy dog eyes. “Come on, talk to me. Hit me… bite me. Cuddle me to death before I decide to cuddle you to death. Or suffocate you with kisses–”

    “Please do. Specially the ‘to death’ bit.” she muttered. Kai sighed and motioned for her to come closer and soon enough she snuggled towards him. “You are wet.”

Kai chuckled. “Happens when you stand outside in the rain for an hour waiting for your girl to let you in. Not complaining though, it was worth it. You are in my arms again. That’s all that matters.” His arms wrapped around her while his lips placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. “What’s wrong, cupcake?”

Y/N just shrugged her shoulders and snuggled towards him. “Everything… and nothing in particular. I just, I don’t know anything anymore –”

   “Do you wanna talk about it?” he said softly. “I can listen–” Y/N muttered a ‘no’. “Okay, so… what if I told you a story instead? Might take your mind off whatever has those beautiful eyes filled oceans of sadness and thunder clouds. I swear, I can feel lightning coming off them –” Kai shifted on the couch and pulled the blanket over her shoulders while she snuggled even closer to him and hummed an ‘ok’. “Here we go. It’s a story about a boy who never had anything or anyone in his life and a really beautiful, stubborn and strong girl who thinks she has to do everything alone and pushes away people even though she needs them. Even the boy she loves and who loves her more than he can put into words –”

    “She sounds awful.” muttered Y/N.

    “No.” he smiled, wiping his thumb against her cheek. “She is… quite amazing actually. Human, so beautifully human. And this boy, he had made some mistakes in his life; spent quite a while feeling like he was dead and when he actually did die, she made him feel alive again. She um –“ he rubbed his nose nervously. “—she always saw the good in him. Believed in him from the start, even when he didn’t believe in himself and wouldn’t let him give up on himself no matter how dark things got. She always found a way to pull him out, kind of like his light in the darkness… and he saw the best version of himself in her eyes but made her wait so long before he finally told her he loved her because he couldn’t believe she’d love him back. How could she, specially after everything he had done? Seemed too good to be true but he loved her so so much, he couldn’t stay away from her. They’d have to send him to another Prison World to keep him away from her.”

    “They can’t and even if they could, they wouldn’t dare.” she said quietly. “His girl would go nuclear if they did. Hell would rain down on them and she’d find a way to get him out or go there to be with him forever.”

Kai laughed under his breath. “Of that I have no doubt, knowing how she is.” Y/N looked up, meeting his eyes and sighed. “Anyways, when he finally did tell her he loves her and she told him she loves him too – that’s when he felt happiest. And now almost a year he later, she is his everything and he loves her even more if that’s even possible.” he smiled nervously, pausing for a long moment. “He loves her so so much… he found a way to get her tickets for that concert she wanted them to go to so badly but was sold out –”

   “What concert?” she snuggled so close to him as if wanting to disappear in him. Her fingers gripped on his shirt as she inhaled his scent. Rain or no rain, his clothes smelled like him and there was no smell or sound more calming than his voice except – “No way.” she jumped up. Her gaze drifted up towards the inside pocket where something was sticking out. Instantly her hand reached towards them but Kai gripped her wrist. Y/N looked up at him, their eyes meeting just as he intertwined their fingers together. “Are those –“

   “They are not free, sweet cheeks.” he pursued his lips watching the light in her eyes return for a few seconds. “Five days… you’ve been shutting me out completely for five days. Not even falling asleep in my arms, not letting me see or touch let alone kiss you since you moved back here. You know, needing someone when you feel like the walls are closing in is okay. You told me that –”

    “I’m sorry, I –“

Kai pressed his finger against her lips not letting her finish. “I miss feeling your body against mine every night and… my lips are going numb without your kisses –“

Y/N gave him a small smile. For five days she put him through Hell and instead of being upset with her, he had found a way to make her happy. Though if she had to be honest, being in his arms again was more than enough. For the first time in almost a week she felt whole again, her heart remembered what it is to skip a beat because of the way he and only he could make her feel – warm and fuzzy on the inside, like she was flying on a cloud. There was nothing and one else but Kai who could make her feel that way. Only one other person came close – “Stop quoting Shawn lyrics. It’s getting really hard to separate my feelings for you two at the moment.”

Kai laughed. “Is it?” he swung her onto his lap in a flash and reached inside his pocket, waving the tickets before her eyes. Y/N bit her lip, lightly tilting her head and her eyes widened seeing how those were VIP tickets but just as she reached towards them to confirm it, he lifted his hand up in the air mouthing whoops. “You love me most. I know it… even though you’ve been spending the past few days with him –”

   “I haven’t – wait, how long have you been camping outside?”

   “Long enough to know which your favorite songs are, all their lyrics and that music brings you a lot more comfort than I ever could, apparently.”

Y/N’s gaze dropped noticing the note of hurt in his voice. “That’s not true. I just… I’ve always been like this. Because if I let people around me when I feel like that, I end up hurting them…and by trying to keep them from getting hurt, I end up hurting them anyways.”

    “You can scream, punch me and throw things at me –“ Kai tapped her nose. “—and I will always be here. I won’t get mad or anything. I understand… but you should know by now – being by yourself doesn’t help. Trust me. Everything is still there and even if you don’t want to admit it, you need someone there with you.”

     “True.” she said quietly. “That might’ve been a mistake, I’m sorry for what I – for what I put you through. I know it wasn’t fair –”

Kai’s arms wrapped tightly around her. “After everything I put you through, it’s kind of hard to hold a grudge. Now about those tickets –” Y/N reached to get the tickets but he pulled them out of reach. “Nah-uh – I had to go to New York, compel quite a few people. I think I deserve a kiss first, maybe a dinner date… plus a few dozen hours of us cuddling and making out –”

   “Malachai –“ she started, feeling his free hand slid across her waistline to hold her towards him. “Not holding a grudge, huh?”

A smile tugged at the corners of his lips.   “Would I do all this and serenade the girl of my dreams if I held a grudge against her?”  Y/N looked up at him confused. “I’m shaking falling onto my knees, and now that I’m without your kisses I’ll be needing stitches… Got a feeling that I’m going under but I know that I’m gonna make it out alive with you by my side –“ he tapped his cheek and his lips, motioning for her to kiss him. Y/N shook her head, trying to suppress a smile. Kai sighed quietly. “Needle and a threat, can’t get you out of my head. Needle and a thread, I’m gonna wind up dead –“ he sang watching her lips curl up a little. “—Needle and a threat, can’t get you out of my head and I’m numb without your kisses –“

   “Those aren’t the lyrics.”

   “Please have mercy on me, even though you don’t mean to hurt me you keep tearing me apart – I am prepared to sacrifice my life, I’d gladly do it twice … I just wanna love you with the lights on, hold you until the night’s gone –“

Y/N covered her face with her hands and got off his lap, trying hard not to smile. “You are impossible. S-stop –”

Kai got up after and flashed before her, pulling his hand from behind his back. A moment later a red rose stood between them. “I have to be honest with you baby; tell me if I’m wrong, and this is crazy… but I got you this rose and I need to know…Will you let it die or let it grow?” Y/N looked at him, pressing her lips into a thin line barely for a split second before a smile appeared on her face and she took the rose. “There it is. That smile. I take it you taking the rose means you don’t want to break my heart and run off with your celebrity crush after the concert?”

    “Well, if he asks –“ she started when Kai grabbed her and his lips collided with hers in a passionate kiss. “—I will –“  Kai pushed her against the wall and kissed her as if his life depended on it. “—I—“ she took a shallow breath, her eyes drifting between his eyes and his lips.

   “You will what?”

   “I can’t remember. Your lips just feel so good against mine –“ she smiled. “—everything else just… Poof. Gone. It’s just… you and me.”

Kai grinned. “Now about that dinner date –“

   “No, wait–”

   “No?”

   “No, I –“ she laughed nervously. “I mean yes, to the date question but I wanted to ask you something first. Y-you are coming with me too right? To the concert I mean. I um, I’m not going unless you –”

   “Of course I am. I am not letting you out of my sight or hands. Ever.” he brushed his nose against hers. “What if someone tries to steal you from me?”

   “That cannot happen Shawn—“ she started, watching his eyes widen a little and his expression become a little amused. “Kai. Kai, I meant Kai. I swear –“ she shook her head, trying hard not to smile at his reaction at her ‘accidental’ slip up. “It’s only you. No one else.”

His lips pressed against hers in an urgent kiss. “It better be, or I might have to punish you.” he watched her eyes flicker with a devilish spark. “You’d love that, won’t you?”

Y/N pushed her feet off the ground, wounding them around his waist almost at the exact moment her hands hooked around his neck and he caught her. “Oh, absolutely –“ her lips pressed against his. “Now about that dinner date –“

________________________________________  MASTERLIST- SMUT ‘17 MASTERLIST- FLUFF ‘17 / MASTERLIST - FLUFF/ANGST ‘18