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harghoes · 2 years ago

Text

You’re so far away, how am I supposed to love you?

pairing: John ‘Soap’ MacTavish x gn!reader

warnings: none, other than my attempt at angst agaib

a/n: if this is bad let me know and i’m deleting it haha jk… or am i?

not my gif

The struggle of being separated is a burden not many carry. Those that do carry it, hold the weight of their world on their shoulders. Both you and John hold that weight. When you’re together, it’s amazing. It’s the best, easiest, most loving relationship ever. And yet, when he’s away on missions, it’s like your hearts are being ripped apart.

John means the world to you. He really does. But, with him constantly being gone, you’re constantly lonely. He promises to send messages when he can, but the field is so busy and you don’t want him to become distracted. You knew what you were signing up for getting involved with him.

When you first met, he told you what it meant to be with him. The empty house, the late night calls (if he can even get a call), and the hardships it would bring. You thought you were strong enough to overcome it. After so long, being alone starts to take a toll on a relationship.

Sitting at a table for one, you’re a few drinks deep. This bar knew you well, considering it’s where your boyfriend and you frequent when he’s home. Just thinking about him brings tears to your eyes, missing him with every fiber of your being. Multiple men have tried to chat you up while you’re mopping, but you just flash your promise ring at them and they thankfully understand what’s happening. You’re not looking for a quick fix, you just want your Johnny back home with you.

Speaking of home, you get up from the table after paying your bill. Looks like you’re taking yourself home again, not like it’s any different than any other month. Once you take a step through the threshold of your shared (is it really shared if he’s rarely here?) home, you stop to take a breath. You decide to get ready for bed considering you still have work the next morning. Staring at his side of the bed, you reluctantly drag yourself to your side. Setting your alarm, sleep comes easily enough.

You wake up at 2am. You had gone to bed just a few hours earlier, so the confusion on your face is evident until you notice why you woke up. Your phone is buzzing on the nightstand, with Johnny’s face lighting up the screen. You let out a sigh as tears prick your eyes before you turn over and try to fall back asleep. Eventually, the buzzing stops and you fade back to unconsciousness.

Waking up to your alarm this time, you roll over to turn it off. You check your phone and see three missed calls from Johnny. You try to call him, but are sent to voicemail.

Your sleep ridden voice is rough as you speak, “Hey, Johnny. I’m sorry I didn’t answer, I didn’t hear my phone. Listen, I’m late to get to work.”

Tears slowly fill your eyes as you lie to him. You realize the time has disappeared as you decide to hell with it, you’ll fill him in on something he missed.

“My best friend just got engaged. I think I…” taking a deep breath, you continue with the voicemail, “I think I need to make a change. It’s hard to wait now. It’s so hard being lonely, Johnny.” A hiccuped sob is heard before you’re apologizing, and hanging up the phone. Who knew it would be this hard?

When Johnny heard the voicemail, he felt his heart crumble. He knew this would happen, it’s why he never had a solid relationship with anyone. The creeping fear that you would leave him has captured his heart and mind, and now he’s panicking. Staring at his phone, he sees your face looking back at him. And he swears he hears your voice say, “Don’t worry, you won’t be lonely, Johnny!”

Looking away from his phone, he presses his cheek against the glass. All he can do is hope that you two will be good, at least until he gets back. Once he’s back, he’ll be able to fix things. Closing his eyes, he can almost imagine that he’s with you. You’re cleaning up the house while he’s cooking. The smell of warm food and the sound of your beautiful laughter almost lulls him to sleep before a hand on his shoulder is jerking him awake.

Simon is nodding to him, as his rough voice is heard.

“We’re about to land, Johnny.”

He doesn’t know, but you have been doing the same thing. Closing your eyes and imagining you’re back with him. Walking the small shopping centers, playing in snow, pushing him into a leaf pile. Anything where you two can be together, you’re imagining it. Opening your eyes, you are forced back to the reality of the situation; Johnny in some country and you at your job.

Sending him a text, you put his notifications on Do Not Disturb. It hurts too much to get any news from him during the day. Johnny doesn’t receive your text until long after it was sent. When he reads it, he almost falls to his knees. It’s the same thing he had been starting to think, but he would never have burdened you with it.

The simple, “Why won’t you love me?” stands out against the other texts. The ground disappears from under him, as he locks his phone to stare at your photo again. This time, he’s hearing you crying, asking him that question.

Switching your phone to airplane mode, you know that he’s probably read it by now. Sniffling at the thought, you try to go about your day. A couple of your coworkers noticed your puffy eyes, and you told them the short version of the story.

After your shift, you’re taking your phone off of airplane mode, thankful you don’t have any messages from anyone. You just want to go home, and sleep, hopefully for five years.

Entering your quiet house, you just drop all your items on the threshold. Feeling the weight of your predicament, your shoulders feel insanely tight. Rolling out your neck, you head right for the bedroom.

Waking up from your sleep, your phone is buzzing again. Turning over, you reach for it blindly, seeing the time is 2 in the morning again. It’s a response from Johnny.

‘It seems we’re together, all alone tonight.’

The bubble didn’t go away, indicating another text from him is supposed to be coming through.

‘I’m so helpless from this side, my love. Everyday, you feel a little bit further away. I’m sorry.’

Tears forming, you feel an ache in your chest. You’ve felt this before, it’s the ache of loneliness. Not responding, you set your phone back down and turn away from it. Hearing another ding from his message, you check it quickly.

‘I’m coming home. Mission is over. We can talk this out. I love you.’

Responding, you answer him with another question.

‘Why do we keep holding onto each other? Why? I don’t know if I can handle it anymore, Johnny. Are we just wasting time? I haven’t seen your face in ages, Johnny.’

He responds quickly this time.

‘I don’t know, my girl. Stupidity, love, whatever the reason, I will always love you. Everyday it gets harder to stay away from you. Just know and remember that.’

‘I love you too, John MacTavish.’

With that, you fall back asleep. And Johnny is awake on the other side of the world, with the pain of you sleeping alone.

This is as good as it’s going to get.

#john mactavish #john mactavish x you #john mactavish x reader #cod:mw2 #cod imagine #cod x y/n #cod x reader

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