#bump this once a week for your mental health

[irrec]

Jelly | Andre Nickatina

[yoditopascal]

Like A Prayer (Part One)

summary: best friends with wade you’re always being dragged into something even when he’s not trying to, what are you to do when you find the fate of your timeline in the hands of yourself, your chaotic merc and an angry wolverine who’s hellbent on drinking himself to death?

content warning: romance, some angst, a little fluff, character deaths, canon-typical violence, smut, lots of cussing, mutual pining, found family, drug and alcohol use, reader insert but with no use of y/n cuz I hate that shit, deadpool being deadpool, mentions of poor mental health (depression anxiety and ptsd mostly), scent marking, the honda odyssey scene needs a warning all on its own MINORS DNI

a/n: lots of wade in this one but no wolverine just yet!

tag list: @allmyn1ghts, @oscarissac2099

Masterlist//Next Chapter

Not Ok

Flashes of images invaded your mind. You were in a tank, arms restrained to your sides as the oxygen was slowly sucked out of the chamber, suffocating you. Your nails digging into the leather cushioning beneath you as you try to claw your way out.

Now you were strapped to a table, an array of needles embedded into your arms and legs as you were injected painfully with all kinds of different things you weren’t even sure of.

You startled awake before the sound of your alarm had a chance to rouse you from your sleep. Groggily you run a shaky hand over your face before rolling over to grab your phone checking the time. You still had about 3 hours before it was time to get up and get ready for work. Knowing you most likely weren’t going to go back to sleep, not that you wanted to anyways, you toss the covers off of you and head to the bathroom.

You turn the water of the shower on, waiting for it to heat up as you stand back up you catch a glimpse of yourself in the bathroom mirror, taking in your disheveled appearance you sigh as you lean over the sink.

There’s visible dark circles under your eyes from being torn from sleep countless times over the last few months. You were sure why the nightmares had started back up again, it had been years since you had been freed from the Weapon X program so why was it all coming back now?

Pulling your tank top over your head you quickly undressed and hopped into the shower. The water cascaded over you, the warmth a welcome relief. You closed your eyes, as you felt your tired muscles slowly start to relax under the soothing spray. Lathering up your soap on a loofa you quickly washed and dried yourself putting on ample amounts of makeup to hide your dark circles.

Once dressed you sat down at your little table in the kitchen and helped yourself to a bowl of cereal as you checked your phone again.

So much shit was happening in the world, genocides, corrupt politicians running for power, starving children. It was all you saw anytime you opened up anything and it was all too much. The world was going to complete shit

You lock your phone and check the time, you still had about an hour before work. Slipping on your shoes you grab your keys and your bag and head out the door nearly bumping into Wade who was munching on a bagel in the hallway.

“Jesus fuck Wade!” You said placing a hand over your rapidly beating heart. “You scared the shit outta me!”

“My bad pookie bear. Didn’t know you worked today.” He said with a shrug adjusting his wig as he did so.

“Almost every day this week.” You said with a sigh rubbing a hand down your tired face. You had been doing that a lot lately. “God I’m so tired.”

“I hear OnlyFans is really popping off right now.”Wade said but it was hard to tell if he was joking or not with his straight face.

“Yeah? So what, you and Vanessa can be my only subscribers?” You snorted with an exaggerated laugh.

“I know for a fact Colossus would pay top dollar for a sneak peak of your toes!”

The sound of your ex's name made you grimace. Not that you had any ill will towards him, you were both still good friends albeit a bit awkward now that you’ve dated for a short time, but you still didn’t want the thought of him anyway near anything sexual you did.

“Hard pass.”

“Suit yourself.” Wade said taking another bite from his bagel and you two walked down the hall together.

You start to rub at your forehead as you felt a headache coming on as you walked, another occurrence that had started to happen more and more often.

“More nightmares?” Wade asks, his voice laced with concern as he watched you.

“Yeah…but don’t worry about it Wade.” You could handle yourself, a few ibuprofen and you’d be fine.

He calls your name, as if to say it’s too late not to be worried about you, but you wave him off as you dig around in your backpack for a second before pulling out a small black envelope.

“Happy birthday by the way! You’re hard as fuck to shop for so I hope you like it.” You smile at him as you hold out the gift hoping to change the subject.

With an exaggerated gasp Wade tosses his bagel behind him and holds up his hands up in surprise before taking the envelope from you, and ripping it open. Inside were two tickets to a Celine Dion concert, one of his favorite artists.

“Oh my-!” He starts with a gasp “I didn’t even know she was touring!” He cried excitedly as he pulled you into a tight hug.

“Yeah I had to basically stalk Ticketmaster for those so you’re welcome.” You said returning the hug.

“Sugar booger! I love it!” He said releasing you.

“Now you just gotta figure out who to take with you.” You said as you bump shoulders with him. “Maybe Peter….oooor I don’t know maybe a certain someone we all know and love who works at a particular strip club that we like to visit on occasion?”

“Peanut…” Wade warned, you held up your hands in surrender. It was like a kid trying to get their divorced parents back together.

“Look, all I’m saying is it wouldn’t hurt to ask her.”

“I’ll think about it.” He says quietly as he stares out deep in thought.

With that the two of you part ways, wishing each other a good day at work, Wade heading for his bike where Peter was waiting and waving at you, and you heading toward the bus stop.

Work at the pet shop was the same as always, mundane and mind numbing but it paid the rent so who were you to complain about it. You had your fair share of zooted teens coming in to ask dumbass questions and waste your time as well as the occasional fish snob who complained about the size of your tanks but all of that was typical of a normal day and honestly made it go by quicker. By the time you realized what time it was it was time to clock out and head on home to help set up for Wade’s surprise party.

Once home you dropped off your bag and changed your clothes putting on a loose fitted t-shirt and jeans with a cardigan before heading over to Wade’s place with a bunch of drinks. You didn’t drink much but everytime Wade went out on a “business trip”, as he called them, back in his Deadpool days he’d bring you back a bottle of something.

Inside Wade and Blind Al’s apartment across the hall, many of your mutual friends were already busy at work setting up for the party. Colossus Ellie and Yukio were busy blowing up balloons and decorating while Dopinder Buck and Vanessa were busy setting up the food spread.

Looking around yourself you felt a small smile tug at the corner of your lips, all around you were the people you and Wade loved the most and you were incredibly lucky to have them in your lives after everything you all had been through over the years. A pang in your chest made you hold a hand over it and your smile dropped. Something still felt missing though and no matter how hard you thought about it you just couldn’t place what it was.

“How you doing sweetheart?” A soft voice pulled you from your thoughts. Whipping around you were pulled into a tight hug by Blind Al.

“I’m doing alright.” You smiled weakly “How’d you know it was me?”

“I’m blind not deaf sweetheart,” she said “ain’t nobody else here sighing that hard but you and Wade and Wade’s not here yet.”

“Sorry.”

“Your dreams still giving you trouble?” She asks as she leads you further into the home.

“I wouldn’t say dreams, more like night terrors but yeah they are a little.” You say as you place the bag said booze you bought on the kitchen counter and follow Al to the living room where she seated herself comfortably in her recliner. “It’s nothing to worry about though.”

“Don’t bullshit a bullshitter baby.”

For someone who was blind Al sure could see right through you sometimes.

“I’m probably just stressed is all.” You try to downplay the situation but Al wasn’t having it.

“It’s been months.” She says matter of factly.

“It’s been a stressful few months.”

“Look… I may not have been there when you and Wade went through what you went through in that program but it’s over now. It’s done and that Ajax guy can’t hurt you anymore.” She said resting a hand in her arm gently.

Al hadn’t been a part of the Weapon X program like you and Wade had been but that hadn’t stopped him from telling her in excruciating detail about all the horrible shit you both had gone through during it.

“I know Al I just-“ you start but stop not fully knowing how to describe what you felt. “I just wish I could switch my brain off, just hit the reset button and be done with it but I- can’t get the memories outta my head.”

“I know sweetheart it’s gonna take time but time ain’t gonna do shit if you don’t let people in to help you.”

You knew she was right but you’d be damned if you’d admit it out loud.

“When did this turn into a therapy session? I thought this was supposed to be a party.”

“Smart ass.” She said tapping you on the leg with her cane. “Go help Vanessa make the jungle juice before he gets home. I’m gonna go see if that dumbass has any Bolivian marching powder left in his stash.” With that she stood to her feet and went to her’s and Wade’s shared bedroom

“Oh Al come on! I thought you guys were done with that.” You called after her with a frown.

“Not till I’m dead babygirl.” She called back and if she could you think she’d wink at you.

Back in the kitchen you and Vanessa make quick work mixing and setting up the drink you bought making light conversation as you do so.

“So-“ she starts off but pauses as if deep in thought for a moment.

“So?” You ask curiously as you take a sip of the alcoholic punch taste testing to see if it needed anything.

“You uh seeing anybody new yet?” She asks.

You nearly choke on your drink in surprise.

“N-no I uh no I’m not.” You stuttered trying to compose yourself. “Are you?”

“Y-yeah there’s this guy. I met him at work, he’s kind.”

You could tell she was lying, but didn’t speak on it.

“Y’know, I hear Colossus has been talking about you to Ellie a lot lately.”

Here we go again you thought.

“Oh nah hard pass we tried that dance already didn’t really work out.” You waved her off, but she continued anyway.

“I’m just saying he’s a nice guy, and he’s big, like everywhere, and made of metal, that’s like totally your thing. Remember when we saw the Winter Soldier and you wouldn’t shut up about Bucky’s metal arm?”

Not she was calling you out.

“Just think about it hun, you're always stuck up in your apartment or at work, you’re lonely and I think a little human connection would do you some good.”

“Yeah alright I’ll think about it.” She smiles at you before caressing your cheek, like she was the big sister you never knew you had.

“But only if you think about giving Wade another chance too.” You slip in “Deal?”

She contemplates for a moment before she smiles back at you again. You knew she still had feelings for the man and so did he.

“Deal.”

Before either of you could change the topic of your conversation the front door opened up again, this time revealing Peter and Wade.

“Surprise!” Everyone shouted as Dopinder Ellie and Yukio threw confetti into the air.

“Oh you guys!” Wade gasps dramatically. “You’re lucky I’m not armed!”

“If this was five years ago you’d all be dead.” He laughed as he went around hugging everyone.

The party went on without a hitch. Wade intermingling with everyone as he was passed around the room. You stayed in your own little corner as you watched sipping on your third drink for the evening. Parties weren’t really your thing but for Wade you’d endure them when you had to. Just as you were about to move to get yourself another drink you spotted Wade and Vanessa talking quietly amongst themselves in the kitchen hovering over the punch bowl. With a smile just glad they were finally talking to each other you thought it better not to disturb them for the time being.

Soon after however you all found yourselves piling into the kitchen as Wade called for everyone to come and cut the cake. Wade snapped a few pictures on Yukio’s Polaroid, making some cheesy speech about how lucky he was to be surrounded each and every person he ever loved in one room, something you rolled your eyes at even though you had found yourself thinking the same thing just earlier, before going to make a wish blowing out his birthday candles as he did so.

The party continued to progress throughout the night and the stuffiness of all the bodies in the room was starting to get to you. Excusing yourself from conversing with Buck and Peter you step out into the hallway for a moment to try and get some air. Your head felt like it was swimming, probably from all the alcohol and not enough food, and you were starting to feel nauseated as a pounding sound hammered through your skull. Eventually you decided to take a step outside to get some actual air to see if that would help.

After a handful of greedy gulps of the fresh night air you finally decide to return to the party before anyone came looking for you. Once inside your hallway you spotted Wade first, but he wasn’t alone this time. Surrounding him were at least 5 guys all dressed in black body armor and masks with weird electrical looking batons in their grasps. Immediately your defenses rose as you silently crept up behind them.

“Oh peanut, you came back! I’d offer to let you join in on the orgy but I don’t think this guy here’s down for sharing me.” Wade quips as he sucks on a breath mint leaning on his doorway. His comment drew most of the men’s attention towards you but not before he drew it back to himself. It seemed that they could care less that you were even there. “He’s got this whole hate sex, love 'em and leave' em vibe going for him right now.”

“Shut your mouth clown!” The guy in the front snaps as he goes to grab Wade by his toupee. Just as he grabs it an orange doorway opens up behind Wade and a pair of arms reach out pulling him inside causing his hair system to get ripped off.

“Wade!” You shout as you sprung into action, using all your weight you shove two of the guys causing the three of you to fall through the strange orange doorway just before it closed behind you.

[usagikookiejams]

AFTERMATH OF THE BREAKUP

Haitani Ran, Ryuguji Ken (Draken), Hanemiya Kazutora, Haruchiyo Sanzu

Warning: angst no comfort, cheating, NOT PROOFREAD, cursing, mentioned about abusive relationship, drug usage, harsh words

Haitani Ran

It has been 3 months since your relationship with Ran ended in a bad term. Deciding to move from Roppongi to Okinawa to avoid meeting up with him again.

Unbeknownst to you, a guy was following behind while you're doing grocery shopping. After failed attempts to reach the product in the higher rack, suddenly a guy was helping you out.

"Thank you so much-," you were left silent after seeing that the guy was actually your ex; Ran. He looks handsome as always. But, you could see the obvious eyebag.

"How you doing?," he smiled, trying to start a conversation with you but, you just ignored him and pushed your cart forward.

He didn't stop pestering you, until you has had enough and slapped his face. "Don't you feel ashamed? Showing your face after you cheated on me with that 'work-wife' of yours?!," you glared at him.

He explained that he was drunk at that time. However, he paused his words after seeing the disgusted look in your face.

"I couldn't bear looking at you. It reminds me how stupid I am to trust you. Hah, my friends were right about you; you indeed couldn't keep your dick in your pants," you smirked and walked away.

Ran felt like his world started to collapse. Witnessing your hostile behaviour towards him has proven how you don't wanna get back with him no matter what.

Ryuguji Ken (Draken)

You and Draken started dating after 3 years of Emma's death. Motivating him daily has led to him starting to open his heart to you.

But things weren't always nice and easy. It indeed was very hard for someone to move on from his past lover.

That's why, after only about 2 years of dating, you decided to broke things off with Draken after you has had enough of him comparing you with Emma.

Emma this, Emma that; you were tired of hearing his complaints.

Though he looked like he didn't care back then, but why is he always reaching out to you now?

He looks so desperate trying to win you back. Showing his effort by buying you flowers every week, which ended up disposed in the dustbin at your office.

Today remains the same routine of his. But you decided to give him your piece of mind once you saw him walking towards the receptionist counter.

You dragged him outside the building where your co-workers couldn't see you. "Can you stop all this nonsense?," you sighed.

"But baby-," he couldn't finish his words when you suddenly took the flowers and placed it on his motorbike.

"I am not your baby, and I don't need your flowers. Why not giving them to Emma, considering she may need them more to decorate her grave?," you couldn't help but saying deep and harsh words.

There, Draken was left heartbroken. He realized how all of his action of comparing you and Emma has led to you hating both of them.

Oh lord, how he wish you would care for him one more time.

Hanemiya Kazutora

Being in a relationship with Kazutora was challenging, he always scold you for things that are even miniscule; blaming you for it. Thus, you decided it was best to separate with him, as he tend to get physical with you.

Visiting the hospital for how many times now, that you don't even remember; getting psychology treatment to treat your mental health from past abusive relationship.

You were busy listening to music that you didn't notice that you has bumped into someone. The person sighed in annoyance, that is, when you heard your name being called in shocked tone, "Y/N?."

You frozed in place, looking up at the person. Oh, it's Kazutora. You got up and said sorry as quickly as possible before getting away.

You felt your hand being pulled, and you couldn't help but flinch. "Hey, hey sweetheart, it's okay. I won't hurt you." You still your position, didn't dare to look at the man who had inflicted pain upon you before.

Kazutora felt a pang of hurt in his heart, looking at how you're terrified of him. He felt tears running down his cheeks, profusely saying sorry while saying he missed you so much and how his mental health is declining.

You looked at him dead in the eyes. Though feeling scared but you tried to stood your ground. "Yeah? And what about me? What about all the things that you said, and pain that you inflicted on me before huh? Answer me Hanemiya," you said in heavy tone.

Kazutora didn't like how you're saying his first name. It was always Kazu or baby; anything but Hanemiya. Nevertheless, he tried to reason with you how he never intended to do those things, saying that he wasn't in the right state of mind.

You scoffed and warned him how if he still loves you, he should just leave you alone. Kazutora was about to say something but you dismissed him, and just walk forward leaving your past behind.

After that encounter, Kazutora still trying to reach out to you by visiting you at home or workplace. That is until one day, he was forced to stop his action once knowing that you has moved to another country with no one knowing your whereabouts.

Haruchiyo Sanzu

Dating Sanzu was never a boring experience. He's wild and loves to party, which at last causing you to not being able to keep up with his behavior.

Lucky for you, the break up was easy as Sanzu too thinks that you're too boring, and always acting like a 'nagging bitch'. Thus, deciding to also let you go.

Despite the break up only took place less than a month ago, you're suprisingly doing great as you are now start to prioritize yourself. Spending time to learn new hobby; that is photography.

Currently you're in the park, capturing panoramas and birds that flew over the horizon. Click! You went to check the picture but noticed a familiar pink hair in the photo.

The pink-haired-person looked over his shoulder as he heard the clicking sound. He couldn't believe his eyes when seeing you, thus started to run towards you, "Y/N!."

"Oh shoot..," you whispered to yourself and started walking faster. Albeit he was fast enough to grab your shoulder. "Baby, how you been? I wasn't able to contact you for a month. Did you change your contact number?," the person said.

"So what if I did, Sanzu?," you put on confident look. "It's not like we're going to contact each other anymore, is it?," you continued.

"But-," Sanzu was about to speak but you just shook your head. "I wish to never meet you again. Now that I look back, I realized how dumb I am to love some maniac like you. You didn't even consider my feelings, always gaslighting me and even calling me names. So don't be suprised when I decided to move on from you," you scoffed and walked away without looking back.

At that moment, Sanzu knew he fucked up real bad by messing up the relationship you guys had before.

Later on, he started to indulge himself in more drugs, as it's the only way he could be free from the hurting feelings.

[fortheloveofwonderland]

Rusty | Chapter 19 | S.R

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

A/N - part two of a two part chapter. Picks up where the last one left off.

Summary - As Spencer’s mental health continues to decline, you connect the dots as to what’s going on with him. But his brain can’t take much more and it finally splinters and he takes on the guises of various faces from his past.

Pairing - Spencer Reid / Fem! Reader

Category - strangers to friends to lovers | angst | smut minors DNI

Warnings - heavy drinking, oral (f receiving) faked orgasms, reckless gun use, weight loss, vomit, swearing, spanking, Dom! Spencer, penetrative, unprotected sex, dissociation, blood, self harm, blood, personality split, Spencer’s brain completely fractures.

WC - 6.7k

One Month, Three Weeks Ago

You heard the car tyres crunching up the gravel driveway through the open bedroom window. You instinctively pulled the sheets further up to your chin as though the flimsy material would protect you from whatever was about to happen. 

You couldn’t fein sleep, your cheek still throbbing from his slap and the fear pulsing wildly throughout your body. He’d no doubt drunk more, driven your car home in a state and you could only assume more violence awaited you. 

You heard the engine die followed by the car door being opened and closed. Spencer sounded like he was dragging his feet in the dirt, shuffling drunkenly towards the house.

Once the front door opened, Copper was up and out of his dog bed, on high alert. You heard it close again and then there was stumbling on the stairs and what sounded like Spencer bumping to walls. 

You held your breath in anticipation. The bedroom door flung open and Copper let out a singular bark before he realised who it was and quickly retreated back to bed, his tail between his legs. 

You watched in the dark from the bed. You didn’t think he realised you were awake as he didn’t look at you, just went about removing his clothes. 

He struggled with the sleeves of his denim shirt and wrestled it off his body to the floor. Next came his t-shirt which he seemed to have slightly less trouble with. 

It was his pants that tripped him up, quite literally. It was almost painful watching him trying to get both legs out of the fabric. If you weren’t so mad at him you might have tried to help. 

Eventually he got them off and crawled into the bed in just his underwear. It was only when he laid his head down on his pillow and saw you staring back at him in the dark that he noticed you were awake.

Even in the low light you could see that sorrow that washed over features as he registered the fear in your eyes. He raised a hand and you flinched involuntarily when he cupped your face. 

He brushed his fingers over the red mark he’d left behind on your skin. His eyes misted over as he breathed raggedly. 

“I’m s-so sorry.” He whispered, words a little slurred. His breath stank of whiskey, he hadn’t tried to hide it this time. “I’m so sorry. I d-didn’t mean to. I love you. You know I love you, right?” 

You clenched your jaw but didn’t speak, couldn’t speak. And when he suddenly crashed his lips against yours and kissed you ferociously, you didn’t stop him. 

He was mumbling and whimpering into the kiss as he rolled himself on top of you. You let him kiss you and still didn’t say a word as he lips trailed lowered. 

Even when he removed your shorts and edged his face between your legs you stayed silent. He muttered against your leg how sorry he was and how much he loved you before plunging his tongue between your folds. 

He continued whispering his regret between your legs. Usually Spencer’s tongue was a thing of magic but in his drunken state his ministrations were messy and lacklustre and after a long time of pretending to enjoy yourself, you simply faked your release and pushed him away. 

He fell back to the mattress next to you, his mouth and chin still slick with his saliva. Moments later he was snoring, leaving you to stare at the ceiling while you fought back tears. 

***

The following night he didn’t go to work again in lieu of getting drunk. Despite the fact you now knew about his drinking he still tried to hide it from you, drinking alone down at the stable most days. 

He’d purchased a shotgun at some point recently and you often heard rounds being fired off down by the creek from the house. He was a danger to himself, to everyone. He needed the kind of help you couldn’t offer him. 

But you were too scared of him to tell him that. You were also too afraid to leave. 

It was nearing eleven pm when you heard him trudging up the hill towards your homestead. You were sitting on the front porch reading with Copper curled up at your side on the swing chair, head in your lap.

He appeared over the brow of the hill, dragging the shotgun behind him. His hair was a mess and his clothes seemed to hang off of his frame. You knew he hadn’t been eating and the amount he was drinking often made him vomit. He’d lost so much in the last few weeks he was a shell of his former self.

You closed the book and braced yourself for whatever was to come. He didn’t look at you as he traipsed up the steps towards the front door. He swung it open and you thought maybe either he hadn’t seen you or was ignoring you. He took one step inside the house before he spoke without turning around. 

“Inside.” Was all he said before he continued on his way.

And like an idiot, you didn’t even question it. You nudged Copper off of your lap and the two of you got to your feet and followed him inside. It was unclear which of the two of you were more frightened by the drunk man and his shotgun.

Spencer leaned the gun against the wall next to the door which offered you a little bit of relief. He turned to look at you, his expression completely unreadable. He took a step closer to you and you held your breath, desperate not to let your fear show. 

His hand lifted from his side and found purchase on the back of your neck, gripping it a little tighter than he normally would. He used his grasp on you to lead you into the living room. It didn’t hurt, he wasn’t being overtly rough but it was firm enough that you didn’t want to question him. 

He moved you up against the wall, the same one he had thrown you at last night but this time with more care. He pressed his body flush against yours, caging you into the wall with his hips. You could feel he was hard and straining at the front of his pants. 

“I l-love you.” He slurred, eyes glazed over from the whiskey. “I love you s-so fucking much. I’m an ass. I’ve not been g-good to you and I know that. But I love you. P-please forgive me.” 

“Spencer,” you whispered, tears springing to your eyes as his fingers brushed over the bruising that had formed on your cheek from last night. 

“Do you still love me?” He spoke, this time he sounded surprisingly sober. 

You sighed, blinking back your tears. You wished you didn’t, it would be easier if you didn’t.

“Yes.” You nodded.

“Good.” And then he kissed you surprisingly delicately, holding your face like you were made of glass. But his tenderness was fleeting.

Soon his hands moved to your hips and he gripped them tightly in his hands, fingers digging into your flesh beneath your shirt. He tugged you away from the wall and led you across the room to the arm of the couch. 

When he reached it, he turned you around so your back was to him and forced your body over the arm, your face buried in a couch cushion and your ass in the air. He reached around you and unbuttoned your pants, but before he could pull them down he stilled.

“Do you…do you want this?” He asked, sounding so unsure of himself. 

And even in the face of it all, you did want it. Regardless of the way he’d treated you, in spite of the fear he’d caused you, you still wanted him.

“Y-yes.” You nodded against the cushion. “P-please?”

Spencer continued to lower your pants and underwear down to your ankles and spread your legs as wide as he could with the fabric hindering them opening too wide. You heard his own button popping, the rustling of his jeans and pants as he pushed them down his thighs. 

He freed his shaft in one hand, dangerously hard and already leaking in desperation, while his other gently stroked over one of your ass cheeks. You hummed pathetically against the cushion at his soft touch.

His hand suddenly left your ass but seconds later it returned in slap so hard the skin on skin contact echoed around the room. You yelped at the impact but you couldn’t deny it was dizzying. 

He spanked you a second time, the sting of his first slap tingling your flesh. He did it a third time and on the fourth time he simultaneously plunged inside of you while his hand scored against your sore cheek. 

You let out a sound half way between a scream and moan at the dual sensation, Spencer bottoming out inside of you right away but not staying there long. He moved his hands to your hips and gripped them with bruising force as he started pounding into you aggressively. 

You hadn’t been quite limbered up enough for the sudden intrusion and Spencer was so big and thick that he felt like he was splitting you in two. But the pain was delirious, the friction of him inside of you, stretching your walls in a way you’d never experienced before was heady. 

Your ass cheek stung and it added to the pleasure. His balls slapped harshly against you with each thrust. From this angle he was able to reach deeper caverns inside of you, chambers you didn’t even realise existed. 

His blunt head slammed repeatedly against your cervix and with each merciless pound your walls clenched tighter and tighter around his thick length.

He was muttering incoherently, fingernails digging into the flesh of your hips. He berated you with his body, breaching you again and again while you did nothing but whimpering and whining beneath him. 

Tears left your eyes, soaking into the cushion beneath your face. Each thrust somehow burnt more than the last but you were so close it was almost laughable. 

His grip tightened and his pace increased, his breathing heavy and rampant. He was succumbing to his release, ready to fall over the ledge into the abyss of pleasure. But he wanted you to fall with him. 

“Are you close?” He mumbled, his sentence punctuated with moans.

“Hmm.” you whined as he jabbed against your cervix again. 

“Fuck princess, wanna feel you come.” He angled his hips upwards, slamming into you at another new angle that made you mewl.

“F-f-fuck!” You whined, legs shaking. “F-fuck Spencer!”

“Come for me, pretty girl. Show me how good I make you feel.” He moaned, his own legs barely holding him upright. 

It took two more thrusts before you were coming undone, clamping so tightly around Spencer’s cock that he saw stars. Your arousal was leaking down your thighs as Spencer fucked you through your orgasm before his own washed over him. 

With a loud and feral moan, he exploded. Strings of his come filled you up, his seed buried deep inside of you. He continued to thrust more lazily while he expelled every last drop of himself until he was completely spent. 

He must have carried you to bed that night because the next thing you remembered was waking up the next morning in bed, sore and covered in welts and bruises. 

***

This pattern continued almost every day. He spent his days getting drunk and shooting at trees down by the creek only to return late at night and fuck you, sometimes for hours. Your bruises had bruises, the welts on your ass became so bad you could barely sit down which made horse riding an extremely painful experience. 

Sometimes he was more gentle, making love to you in missionary while he looked you in the eyes and told you how much he loved you. Other times he pinned you to walls and fucked you so hard you couldn’t breathe. 

And every single time after, he dissociated. 

You often found remnants of blood on the linoleum floor in the bathroom or sometimes in the tub. Spencer stopped getting undressed around you, keeping himself covered when you had sex. You didn’t know the extent of the damage he was doing to himself. 

One morning you awoke to find him still asleep which was a rarity. And so you dared to lift the sheet from his sleeping body and inspect the mutilation he’d inflicted upon himself. 

The first thing that struck you was just how much weight he’d lost in such a short time. His position on his back allowed you to see how painfully his hips jutted out, how sunken his stomach was. His collarbones and ribs protruded from beneath his flesh. 

But it was his thighs that caused you to whimper. 

You couldn’t even count the number of cuts littering his skin. They were all in various stages of heeling, some even caked with dried blood you assumed were his most recent works. They painted both legs almost all the way to his knees, his canvas for his self abuse. 

The tears silently fell from your eyes and you dropped the sheet, feeling your stomach lurch violently. You removed yourself from the bed and shut yourself in the bathroom. You ran the shower, got undressed and climbed inside. 

You sobbed beneath the flow of water. You cried for Spencer and what he’d done to himself. You cried for the aches and gripes in your body which Spencer caused you. You cried at your own stupidity at putting yourself in this situation in the first place. 

You should never have stopped to help him. You should have trusted your gut and kept driving. None of this would have happened if you’d just left him on the side of the road. You could have saved yourself the trouble of falling in love with a monster. 

By the time you stopped crying and exited the bathroom, the bed was empty and made with military precision as was Spencer’s way. You dressed as you caught a faint whiff of something from downstairs. It smelt suspiciously like bacon but surely it couldn’t be.

Low and behold you found Spencer in the kitchen, plating up bacon and eggs and toast whilst he hummed to himself. He had his back to you but when he turned around he was smiling brightly.

“Morning princess.” He beamed, setting the plates down on the counter. “I made breakfast.” 

It was like living with Jekyll and Hyde and you weren’t sure which one was more terrifying. You knew you should leave, disappear in the middle of the night and go somewhere he would never find you.

But despite your better judgement, you loved this man. You loved him more than you thought it possible to love someone. So no matter how idiotic it made you for staying, leaving simply wasn’t an option. 

***

One Week Ago

Things had been improving slowly but steadily. Spencer didn’t seem to be drinking as much, or if he was he was getting better at concealing it. He was less angry, although that’s not to say he hadn’t blown up a few times in the past month.

You were walking on eggshells most of the time, trying to appease him, keep him happy so as to avoid another fall out. You had sex almost every day and by this point his dissociations were becoming a normal occurrence and you’d long ago learnt how to quickly deal with them. 

He’d started working again although not as frequently as he was. He lost his job running the ghost tours when he stopped showing up but the Four Deuces still allowed him to pick up shifts here and there as they were short staffed. 

You both had the day off today and Spencer surprised you by taking you for a picnic down at the creek. Copper followed along, playing in the water while the two of you ate the lunch he’d packed. Afterwards he laid you down on the blanket and made love to you.

He was gentle and caring, slow and sensual. He made you come twice while he fucked you leisurely as though he had all the time in the world. And he kept his eyes locked on yours throughout it all. 

He even helped clean you up after, placing delicate kisses in your hair. And then while you were still hazy from your orgasms, he pulled a jewellery box out of hiding. 

“Y/N, I know things have been…not great lately and I’m so, so sorry for that. But I love you more than I ever thought it possible to love someone and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. 

“I know it’s crazy, I know it’s fast. But when we decided to run away together we were kinda promising each other forever anyway right? And I know with you being a fugitive filing a marriage licence won’t exactly be easy, but we can figure it out. 

“Or you know, maybe we can’t get married for real. But at the very least I want you to have this ring as a symbol that I will never, ever leave you. And if you decide to wear it you’re saying the same. I promise I’m going to try and be better for you. I want to be the man you fell in love with. So, uh, will you marry me?”

He flipped open the box to show you a beautiful vintage silver engagement ring. His face conveyed his nerves as he rolled his lip between his teeth awaiting your response.

You blinked at him rapidly, trying to clear the fog from your brain. Were you delusional from your orgasms? Surely this wasn’t happening.

But it was happening. Spencer had a ring, a stunning ring, in his hand and he was asking you to marry him even though you both knew with you being on the run it was impossible. But he wanted your promise. 

Your love for him was so boundless, perhaps it was even reckless to a fault. You should have left the first time he raised his hand to you, should have gone running and never looked back. 

You knew first hand that abusers didn’t just stop. You’d murdered the first man who dared hit you, yet here you were in love with the other. The irony of the situation wasn’t lost on you, its morbid facsimiles to a life you’d lived before were startlingly apparent. 

The last thing you should ever do would be to promise Spencer forever, to agree to wear his ring. But yet it was the only thing in this messed up world that made any semblance of sense to you. 

You’d both experienced your share of trauma, both done things you weren’t proud of in order to survive. You were eerily similar and perhaps the two of you deserved one another. You were coerced together like two opposing puzzle pieces but you’d both adjusted around each other until the fit didn’t seem so manufactured anymore. 

He understood you to your bones, the way you did him. It may be toxic, it may be poisonous to you both to stay together but maybe you could be each other's antidote if you just tried hard enough. 

Relationships were never without their flaws, yours just had a few more than most. But they were nothing you couldn’t work through, right? If you operated as a unit instead of separate parts, played for the same team rather than as oppositions, you could be a force unto yourselves. 

The sad truth of the matter was, neither of you deserved any better than what you offered each other. 

So ultimately there was only one answer. You couldn’t quite vocalise it, instead giving a meek nod of your head. Spencer beamed as he removed the ring from his velvet cradle and slid it onto your finger. 

And thus your fate was sealed. 

***

Two Hours Ago

Suddenly with the kind of startling clarity that smacked you around the face like a tidal wave, all the little puzzle pieces fell into place. 

You’d had the skeleton in front of you but had yet to flesh it out, to see the bigger picture. Or perhaps you had an idea but you weren’t ready to go down that rabbit hole for fear of no return. 

But it was here now in black and white, no more grey areas. The voicemail left on Spencer’s cell phone spelled it out clearly. 

“Doctor Reid this is Marnie calling from Doctor Suez’s office. It looks as though you still have an outstanding prescription to collect and the doctor is a little concerned of what might happen if you fail to refill your paroxetine. This is the third time I’ve tried to call, please do call me back as soon as you can.” 

You hadn’t deliberately been going through his phone. But he’d been hauled up in the stable all day and the device hadn’t stopped ringing. By the fifth call you’d grown curious and found yourself invading his privacy and listening to the voicemail. 

It all made too much sense now and you felt stupid for not seeing it sooner. Spencer had come off of his medication, the medication which barely held him together in the first place. Now he was off of it and all his old symptoms were coming back full throttle combined with what you imagined to be an extensive amount of withdrawals to the medicine. 

He was a danger to himself and to you. There was no telling what a man with his level of trauma could do when he’d stopped relying on the one thing that was helping to keep him tethered. 

You pocketed his phone without meaning to and the ring caught your field of vision. Your stomach clenched tightly like a cramp and you felt a wave of nausea flood your body. How could you promise yourself to someone who couldn’t even look after himself? 

Spencer was a genius, he would know the exact risks of coming off of his medication yet he’d done it anyway. And he’d put you both in jeopardy by doing so. That kind of behaviour was selfish and reckless. 

Would you be able to talk sense into him? Would you be able to make a lunatic see the light? Or were you putting yourself in further danger if you confronted this? 

You loved Spencer and because of that you couldn’t stand back and do nothing. You needed to talk to him, to try and help him understand that needed to be on his meds for the sake of himself and you. You needed to appeal to the rational side of his brain you knew still existed somewhere in the depth of his trauma. 

You had to address this before it continued to get out of hand. You needed to help cloy Spencer back from the brink of insanity before he was lost to his own demons forever.

***

The glass mouth of the bottle was cushioned between his lips, tilting, tilting until every last drop of the smooth amber liquid passed down his throat, burning on its journey down his oesophagus and into his empty stomach. 

Drawing it back away from his lips once it was drained, he clutched the neck in his tetchy fingers, curiously inspecting it for a moment or two. 

And then he raised his hand high above his head, swinging it back down with force until the body of the bottle collided with the side of the cabinet in the back of the stable and smashed into hundreds of little shards.

The fragments mostly flitted to the ground around his feet, some remaining to decorate the wooden surface he’d used to smash it with. There may have even been a piece or two in his palm, there was certainly a little blood. He wiped the claret on his jeans, the alcohol numbing him from any pain that action might have caused. 

This had been another one of his utterly dumb ideas, the kind he had become so well versed in making as of late. But this one was particularly close to the top of the list for stupidity.

The gift had remained untouched, forgotten in a cupboard in the house for six months. Spencer didn’t even remember having the forethought to bring it with him to Tombstone, why didn’t he just throw it out? 

It was only this morning when he’d been looking for places to hide the dozen or so whiskey bottles he’d purchased that he found it. The birthday gift from Luke. 

Taking it out to the stable with one of his bottles of liquid heaven, he’d gotten through half the whiskey before he dared tear into the dogeared paper. 

Staring back at him a simple black frame displaying some kind of collage that looked almost childlike in its construction. Luke wasn’t exactly known for his artistic prowess. 

Scanning his eyes over the collage, despite the whiskey clouding his brain it was clear what he was looking at. It was a montage that told the story of Spencer Reid and Luke Alvez. 

It began in the top left hand corner with a ticket stub from the movie they’d seen on their first date, which Spencer hadn’t realised was a date. 

Luke had asked him to go see some action flick which was so far out of Spencer’s comfort zone. But he enjoyed Luke’s company and agreed to go with him. 

After the movie they went to a bar and Luke slid into the booth next to Spencer which Spencer thought was a little odd. But it got a whole lot stranger when Luke placed his hand on Spencer’s thigh under the table. 

“Uh, Luke? That’s my leg.” Spencer’s eyebrows knitted together. 

“Yeah I know.” Luke’s expression mirrored his. 

“Okay,” Spencer looked even more confused. “Why are you touching my leg?” 

Luke suddenly looked extremely self conscious and he removed his hand and placed it in his own lap. 

“Sorry,” Luke huffed. ��I guess it’s been a while since I’ve been on a date. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”

“D-date?” Spencer was extremely confused now. 

“Yeah?” Luke was fidgeting uncomfortably. “Oh my god, is this not a date?” 

“It’s the first I’m hearing about it.” Spencer’s mouth fell open. 

“You…you didn’t realise I was asking you on a date?” 

“No!” Spencer shook his head. “You said, and I quote, ‘Hey man, do you wanna go see a movie tonight? Maybe grab some dinner or a drink afterwards.’ How was I supposed to know you meant it as a date?” 

“Movie and dinner? That’s clearly a date!” Luke looked bewildered. 

“I go for dinner and movies with Garcia all the time. And JJ, Emily even.” Spencer was scratching at the back of his head. 

“I…I…ay dios mio.” Luke shook his head. “This is so embarrassing. I am so sorry, I assumed we were on the same page. We should call it a night to save me any further humiliation.”

Luke went to reach in his pocket for his wallet to pay for the drinks but Spencer’s gentle hand on his wrist stilled him.

“Luke,” Spencer smiled a little shakily at him. “I didn’t say I didn’t want it to be a date.”

What had started as Spencer thinking he was seeing a movie with a friend ended with a heavy makeout session in the bar. Just the thought of it made Spencer’s knees wobble a little, the memory of that first kiss taking his breath away like nothing he’d ever felt before. 

The medley in front him contained many other tickets, receipts and photographs from his and Luke’s time spent together. It was all brought together in the middle with a simple quote, penned in Luke’s uniquely identifiable handwriting -

“The world breaks everyone, and afterwards, some are stronger at the broken places.” - Ernest Hemingway.

The alcohol and the memories swarming his brain caused a torrent of emotions. It was a tsunami raging inside of him, a war being fought within. Luke had collected all these little mementos, kept hold of the pieces of their relationship even after all this time. 

He’d meticulously, if not a little messily, compiled this gift for Spencer because in spite of everything Spencer had done, Luke still loved him more than anything. Luke loved Spencer in a way that superseded his trauma, in a way that was bigger than his demons he struggled to fight.

Luke loved Spencer the way Spencer loved you. And that thought alone was enough for Spencer to feel the weight of everything he’d put Luke through. He understood it now, he understood the hurt he’d caused. If you left him, Spencer wouldn’t be able to cope, his life may as well be over. If he lost you he wouldn’t go on. 

That’s what he’d done to Luke. Spencer had admonished him, punished Luke for simply loving him. And in the process he had broken the other man into more pieces than the whiskey bottle was now in at his feet.

“You fucking broke me, Spencer. The way you left, it destroyed me. Nothing in my life has ever hurt as much as having to hear from Prentiss that you’d left without a word. I’ve spent the last two years trying to get over you, trying to move past the pain that you caused. And I have finally met someone who made me forget all about you. I’m not asking you to be happy for me, but you don’t get to be mad either.”

It all made so much agonising sense. And Spencer hated himself more than ever at the realisation of exactly what he’d done to Luke. Staring at the pieces of glass and the framed collage still laying on a blanket of gift wrap, he felt tears clouding his vision. No, not tears…

The edges of his vision were growing hazy in a way he knew all too well. His stomach was tightening, anger and sadness tangling themselves together to create a whirlwind inside of him. It snuck up on him faster than he was used to and before he could even grasp what was happening he was outside of his own self. 

He could only stand by and watch dumbly as the body his mind longer inhabited picked up a large shard of whiskey dampened glass and without hesitation brought the sharp edge to his right leg and scored straight through his jeans. 

Creating a hole in the fabric, the glass splinter was then slicing into the thick flesh of his thigh and he was hissing in morbid pleasure as the blood quickly began to trickle from the open wound. The detached body threw its head back, lips parted and eyes closed as thought in the throes of passion.

Spencer watched the figure who looked suspiciously like himself lean back against the cabinet as the blood continued to pour from his leg. 

An almost devilish grin spread across the face of the man who was, yet was not Spencer Reid. His lips started moving, chanting under his breath. The mind belonging to the body simply stared until the voice started growing louder.

“That’s the devil vacating your body.” 

The voice was unlike anything Spencer had heard from his own mouth. It was a husky southern drawl for which he recognised from a shed in a graveyard from years past while the smell of burning fish guts smouldered around him. 

He spoke again, the body that was and wasn’t Spencer Reid, leaning back heavily against the cabinet coated with glass while blood continued to roll down his leg.

“I didn’t know how to take care of you anymore.” 

The voice was different again, not quite his own but not entirely different. It evoked recollections of a stuffy office, of Morgan and Rossi and the older man who used to look like him but didn’t anymore. 

“I was hoping you'd figure out my riddle. I-I mean, I knew you would. The fun was just how fast you'd do it. All this and brains, too.” 

A higher pitched octave left his lips now, a much more feminine tone to his words. It summoned him to a dark warehouse, brought forth memories of blindfolds and hands that groped upon him in places he wished they wouldn’t.

“Believe me, getting pregnant with your baby was not easy.”

This one was still feminine yet harsher. He was in an interrogation room, bright orange scrubs and a menacing smirk clouding his better judgement. 

“Spencer, the keeper of provisions. You have given selflessly to others and will be rewarded by the highest honour we could bestow. Your blood will be our blood. Your life will fuel ours.” 

Once again the voice of the slumped body became more masculine, hoarse almost. It brought forth images of restraints at his wrists, ankles, waist and head. Hyoid bones dangling before his eyes, swaying in the soft breeze and knocking together like macabre windchimes. 

The man who looked like Spencer Reid was certainly not Spencer Reid anymore. The body bleeding from a self inflicted wound didn’t even seem to know who he was anymore. 

The Spencer who was suspended, watching his own form flit between varying people from his past was aware of what was happening even if the husk of his body didn’t. 

His brain was fracturing, shattering, tearing. His trauma had become uncontainable and it was splitting his mind into shards much like the glass bottle. 

It had become too much, the body and the mind divorcing each other for a final time, causing Spencer to lose sight of who he was. 

He was Tobias Hankel. He was William Reid. He was Diane Turner. He was Cat Adams. He was Benjamin Merva. He was his trauma. 

Whoever he was, it was certainly not Doctor Spencer Reid any longer. Perhaps he never would be again. 

And so the consciousness of Spencer could only watch as the man he recognised as himself became multiple different people right in front of his very eyes. 

The muttering continued, flicking between different voices of the different personas his brain was breaking off into. The glass shard was hanging limply between two fingers, little red beads dripping from it onto the floor. 

When the stable door creaked open, the previously collapsed, zombie form went suddenly rigid, eyes wide yet unseeing. You took a few steps into the barn, taking in the broken glass, his ripped jeans and open cut and the bloody fragment in his hand. 

You also noticed the ways his eyes were unfocused as he looked at you, he was dissociating.

“Spencer?” You spoke quietly, hesitantly getting a little closer and ignoring the pleas of attention from Rusty and Willow.

“No,” he blinked once, other than that he was unmoving.

“What do you mean, no?” Your brow furrowed. “Spencer, you’re dissociating.” 

“No,” he repeated. “No, I’m not Spencer. You have me confused with someone.” 

Your blood ran cold suddenly. You’d seen him in these states before but usually he couldn’t say much of anything to you. 

This time his voice was clear and concise even if his eyes were still glazed over. But the voice wasn’t his, not one you recognised. 

He spoke in a thick, southern accent, eyebrow cocked at you as he took a few steps closer. You swallowed a lump in your throat, wanting to walk away, to run away but you were paralysed in fear. 

“You’re just as pretty as he said you were.” The voice coming out of Spencer’s mouth spoke. “He calls you princess, right?”

“S-Spencer…” you whimpered slightly. 

“My name isn’t Spencer. Spencer’s weak, he can’t can’t handle himself. So I’m here to help him.” He raised his hands to cup your arms, failing to notice the glass still sandwiched between his fingers. 

The shard cut into your bare bicep and you yelped, jumping back from him as it sliced your flesh. 

“Fuck, Spencer!” Your hand came up to hold your wound, blood seeped from between your fingers.

“I told you princess, that’s not my name.” He clucked, dropping the glass to the floor now. 

“W-what’s your name?” You decided to play along. Maybe you could talk him down from this. 

“Me?” He smirked wildly at you. “I’m Raphael.” 

“O-okay, Raphael, do you know how I can get to Spencer?” You tried to remain calm, the blood still seeping into your hand. 

“Don’t you worry about him.” Spencer, who was Raphael, took a step back and picked up the shotgun you hadn’t noticed was leaning against the cabinet. “You know what this is? It’s God's will.” 

You swallowed thickly as he raised the weapon, cocking it in your direction.

“Spenc - Raphael, what are you doing?” You choked out.

“Between you and me, I think Spencer would be better off with you, little lady.” He grinned, looking through the weapons sight right at you. 

“Please, Spencer, you have to listen to me. I know you’re in there.” Your voice quivered. 

“Spencer is gone!” Raphael yelled out of Spencer’s mouth, the sound reverberating around the stable. 

“Please, Spencer, come back. Come back to me.” You begged, tears springing to your eyes. 

“We’re going to play a game!” Spencer, who was not Spencer’s voice, suddenly changed to one much higher pitched, much more flirty than menacing. 

“A g-game?” You sucked in a breath. 

“Spencie and I always played games.” Spencer smiled sinfully, pouting his lips while holding the shotgun steady. 

“You aren’t Raphael?” You blinked back your tears.

“Of course I’m not.” The feminine voice coming from Spencer’s mouth clucked. “I’m Cat. Spencie and I loved playing games together, I even got him arrested as part of one. I think you’d like my games too.” 

“Spencer?” You begged desperately. “Spencer, you have to fight this!”

“He isn’t strong enough, sweetie. He needs us to protect him…he’s always been so weak.” 

For the second part of his sentence his voice changed again. It was deeper but not southern. You couldn’t keep up. But he spoke again, reverting back to the flirty female cadence.

“So as for our little game, the rules are simple. It’s a chase, and only one of us has a gun.” The smile belonging to Cat on Spencer’s face grew. 

Guess again, bitch, you thought as you registered your revolver hidden away in the back of your waistband. 

You hadn’t expected to need it when you came and confronted Spencer but now you were glad you’d had the forethought. 

“That’s it?” You shrugged. “Just a chase?”

“To the death.” Spencer-Cat-Raphael-whoever else he was spoke manically. 

“Spencer?” You tried again, looking deep into his glazed eyes. “Please, Spencer. Listen to me, I need you to-”

“He was the chosen one. Such a shame he couldn’t handle himself. We thought he was special. He was supposed to be our ultimate sacrifice. Perhaps you’ll fit the bill instead.” Yet another voice, male again but softer than ones that came before. 

“Spencer, I know you’re in there.” Your body was trembling, arm throbbing. 

“I’d run if I were you sweetheart.” Spencer, who was talking in another feminine voice different to the first, cocked the shotgun again. “He has a history of getting the women he loves killed.”

You took a breath, looked him dead in the eyes, searching for any small trace that Spencer was still in there somewhere. You saw none. 

He was well and truly gone, lost to multiple other people you could only assume were voices from his past. If you didn’t do as they said, if you didn’t run, one of these people living inside of Spencer was likely to kill you. 

And so that’s what you did. 

You spun quickly on your heels and you ran. You didn’t make it out of the barn before the trigger was pulled and a bullet whizzed past you and into the wall of the stable. 

You screeched at the sound, fear rattling your entire body. But you couldn’t stop. You could never stop. 

And so you ran for your life. 

@kalulakunundrum @katrina0-0 @bakugouswh0r3 @prettyboyandthefangirl @zooni92802 @babyspiderling

[kai-anderson-whore]

Could you do a fluff imagine where Evan is starting to film Dahmer and his mental health isn’t the best and y/n is helping cheer him by visiting him on set, being there for him at home, etc?

Yes so this is kinda short I wanted to write longer I now have work so I apologise I couldn’t write more like I originally intended to do.

You need a break (Evan peters x Reader)

Summary: Evan’s mental health had took a toll since filming dahmer so you decided to cheer him up

Warnings: fluff, mentions of mental health, filming the dahmer series, mentions of Jeffrey dahmer

Word count, 1.2k

•¤❅¤•.•°˚˚°•..•°˚˚°•.•¤❅¤•.•¤❅¤•.•°˚˚°•.

The cold wind clouded around you as you made your way through the busy streets of lox angeles county. Two cups of coffee secured in a cardboard cup holder in hand. You set out to visit your boyfriend Evan peters on set hoping to cheer him up and make his day somewhat better.

You knew that some of his newer roles took a toll on his mental health after playing Kai Anderson in American horror story, but with his newest role of the infamous serial killer Jeffrey dahmer he was spiralling into the darkness once again. You couldn't blame him when he has a role he researches the role non-stop and detaches himself from his co-workers to get into the character.

It was unhealthy but it was his strategy for this role. You just wished he picked something more healthier for his own mentality. You walked on to the set luckily they were on a break, you searched for Evan but you bumped into Niecy Nash, "hey y/n you looking for Evan" she asked giving you a polite smile. "Hey yeah have you seen him I can't find him" you replied the cups of coffee slowly getting colder in your hand.

"Have you tried his dressing room?" She suggested pointing to the end room you thanked her wishing her luck on set before heading to the dressing room labelled peters, you knocked on the door incase he was busy. "Come in" you heard his voice through the door with your free hand you let yourself in seeing Evan on a chair scrolling through his phone doing more research on his role so he wouldn't miss a thing.

"Hey babe" you smiled placing a chaste kiss on his cheek. "Hey thank you" he smiles as you handed him the Starbucks cup. "So how was it today?" You asked striking up a conversation. "A bit stressful trying to portray the role but got there in the end just doing more research so I get it just right" he sighs clearly in another world right now.

"Maybe take this as a breather to be Evan for a moment instead of focusing on being dahmer for a while". Evan nodded his head at your words but you knew he wouldn't take your advice. "I can't what if I can't get back into the character or mess up the scenes I can't risk it" he protested you let out a soft sigh taking a sip of your bitter caffeinated drink.

"I'm just looking out for you Evan I mean look what happened before and this is a more serious and sinister role, I don't want you to spiral again." Your voice was low almost a whisper. Evan knew that you were looking out for him, he knew it wasn't fair on his own health and for you too but it was his job.

"I know you're just looking out for me and I'm appreciative of that don't think I'm not I am, it's just it's not fair on you having to worry about me" he said running his hand down his face in frustration. "What kind of girlfriend would I be if I wasn't" you teased to lighten the mood a little which kind of worked since he let out a small smile.

"Ryan says we get a break for a few days next week you know for a breather" Evan informed you let out a smile nodding your head. "Well tell you what we'll stay home I'll for a few days off of work and we can just stay at home and relax how does that sound?" You offered since Evan started filming the series you barely had time for yourselves at all. You've been busy with work and Evan with the show only time you both really saw a glimpse of each other was going to bed and waking up in the mornings.

"Sounds great" he smiled at you placing a kiss on your lips. "Right I better get going I was only on an hour break but I'll ask my boss for that little break next week and I'm all yours" you said before placing another gentle goodbye kiss on your boyfriends lips. "I love you" you heard him say behind you. Turning your head facing him once again "I love you too Evan" you smiled leaving him in the dressing room.

———

The next week came long you were in the kitchen doing some laundry folding the clean clothes up and throwing the dirty ones in the washing machine. Waiting on Evan finishing filming the final scene before his few days off. You wanted the place to comfortable for him so he can take this time to relax.

You spent the day making sure everything was perfect for him. Buying all his favourite snacks and treats for him coming home, you had planned on spending the evening in bed watching movies and stuffing your faces with food. Once you were finished with all the laundry you had some time to space you decided to order some take out from Evan’s favourite place while you waited for him to come home.

About twenty minutes later Evan walked into the door feeling exhausted. Tossing his keys into the little trinket dish you laid by the door sluggishly walking into the living room running a hand over his face. “Hey babe” he smiled lightly seeing you sat on the sofa with some tea. “Hey how you feeling?” You asked noticing his tired expression. “Alright just want to relax with you for the next few days” he sighs plopping down on the sofa resting his head on your lap.

Your fingers played with his hair, his eyes closed feeling more relaxed leaning into your touch. “I went out and bought your favourite snacks and I got takeout from your favourite place, I was thinking we could watch a movie and just have a very chill night” you said now holding his face in your hand’s running your thumb along his cheek bones. Evan smiled nodding his head at you. “Sound amazing babe”.

And if so it was clockwork the doorbell sung it’s little tune. You and Evan got up to answer. “Evan you sit I’ll get it” you instructed he complied sitting himself back on the sofa. You went to the door thanking the delivery driver and tipping him extra closing the door. “Dinner is served” you said setting the food on the coffee table.

After dinner you and Evan went into bed with all your snacks putting a movie on. You both cuddled up stuffing your faces with popcorn. It was relaxing and you noticed it lifted Evan’s mood his mind wasn’t thinking about work anymore. “Thank you I really needed this” Evan smiled looking down at you.

“No need to thank me Evan, I’m just glad your taking a break you deserve it” you replied meeting his gaze pressing your lips on his momentarily. you focused on the movie for another ten minutes till you heard light snoring you turned your head seeing Evan out cold his arm still over your shoulder. You couldn’t help but smile to yourself gently getting out his grasp to put all the snacks away and turn the tv off. You climbed back into bed cuddling Evan drifting into peaceful slumber.

[dckweed]

here's part two of jake and babygirl, i'm actually really really in love with them and it may or may not be because i constantly have baby fever. anyway, im thinking about making this a fun lil series that you guys can send in any prompts or requests for that come to mind ! silly, angsty, fluffy whatever doesn't matter, just figured that since this started off as a request that i could continue on its life that way as well..

i want to be completely honest with you guys, for the past two months now i have been in eating disorder treatment 3 hours a day 6 days a week..as of this week, ive been stepped down to 3 hours a day 4 days a week and will be completely stepping down from treatment by the end of the month..this has taken up alot of time, and alot of attention and typically by the time my day is over i am completely spent and mentally drained and haven't been putting much effort into you guys, but as part of my treatment i am going to start posting at least twice a week (if not every day) as a way of self care, because fic writing is genuinely a form of self care for me.

thank you for being patient with me, and please feel free to send in asks!

warnings: pregnancy! jake being completely soft for his babygirl but also being completely angered by her situation..morning sickness mentions, food aversion mentions, just floofy fluffness okay? use of y/n once, but other than that is just babygirl as usual. not super long but i love it. part one

'STAY WITH ME, PLEASE..' jake 'hangman' seresin

A week into your vacation Jake had convinced you to go to an obstetrician after learning that you hadn't seen one yet, concerned for your health and the health of the little thing in your womb, whom he was already attached to, even if it wasn't his. It was there that you learned that you were almost eleven weeks along, Jake sat in the room with you, holding your hand as the ultrasound tech dims the lights. He squeezes it as she squirts more warm jelly on your tummy than you thought necessary and digs the wand in at an uncomfortable angle, moving it and the gel around your skin. You were just barely showing signs of a baby bump, and you were shocked to find out just how big the baby actually was by this point.

"How is it already that big?" Jake asks exactly what you were thinking, making the tech chuckle. He was in complete awe, there was really a tiny little being inside of you, you were growing a life form and there was nothing more beautiful than that to him in that moment.

"They grow so much faster than you realize," The woman says, a pleasant smile on her face as she stares at the screen, typing a few things in with her free hand, Jake noted from his position that they were measurements. "Would you like to know the sex?"

"Yes!" He blurts out before you could even process the question, you stare at him eyebrows furrowed, confused as to why he was so eager and amazed by something that he hadn't helped create. You thought it was wonderful though that your best friend was wanting to be so involved and caring despite your situation.

"Well, dad, you're having a little girl.." She says, catching you off guard by the mention of Jake being the dad and by the fact that you were having a daughter. Jake squeezed your hand, and even in the darkness of the room you could have sworn that he was a little teary eyed.

"Isn't that amazing, babygirl?" He asks, looking over at you. Your eyes are glued to the screen, not bothering to correct the woman on Jake not being the father, it was a difficult situation to explain and you weren't quite sure you were up for it today. Tears form in your eyes as you think about the little girl growing in your womb, who would never know her daddy. You had to admit that that was probably a good thing, he didn't deserve either of you if his initial reaction was to just leave and never come back.

You knew Jake felt the same way too, you didn't even have to ask.

"This all feels like such a fever dream.." You say softly, your head leaned against the window of his truck as he drives through the streets, away from the obstetricians office. You had a print out photo of your baby in your hand, staring down at it as you rubbed your stomach absentmindedly, your mind running in circles.

"Why's that?" Jake asks, glancing over at you for a mere second, not wanting to take his eyes off of the road for too long.

You look at him, wondering if he realizes just how fucked up the situation is. "Jake, I am pregnant..my boyfriend, the father of my baby left me because he swore i was a whore and that you were actually the father, and that was before i even knew for sure that i was pregnant.." You say, word vomit spewing from your mouth before your brain could even process what was happening. "I've just found out that i'm having a little girl who's not going to have her daddy in her life, and honestly good riddance but..but..oh my god Jake what am I going to do? This wasn't part of the plan..my daddy is going to be so disappointed in me..oh my god my mama would be so fucking upset..."

You hadn't even realized that you were crying, or that you were starting to panic, the weight of the situation fully sinking in on you. "Oh my god Jake, she's never gonna meet my mama..oh my god.." Jake doesn't know what to do, but he knows he can't let you keep crying like this. He pull's over into a parking lot, right at the beach and near a bunch of shops, pulling his truck to a stop in the first empty spot he saw. There are tears streaming down your face at this point as the thoughts of your father and your dead mother run around in your head, he had never seen you like this before but he knew that it was probably just the hormones.

"Hey," He says, his voice soft and sweet, his warm body encompassing yours as he slides across the front seat towards you, having lifted the center console up. He unclips your seatbelt and pulls you towards him, holding your head against his chest, your ear pressed right where his heart is. He had done this with you a thousand times before, the sound of his heartbeat had always brought you back to earth when you would have moments like this. "you're okay, i got you babygirl, i always got you.." He whispers, his lips moving in your hair as he presses a soft, comforting kiss to the crown of your head. Somewhere, in the back of your mind, you wondered if he knew that these were the things that made you feel like he loved you in more ways than he let on, the things that gave you the smallest glimmer of hope.

You close your eyes, listening to his heartbeat and the slight rumble in his chest as he whispered things to you, slowly but surely calming you down. After a while you let out a shaky breath, your eyes opening to see the people milling about the small shopping center. "Where are we?" You ask, voice thick from the crying. Your head hurt and your eyes were heavy, you wanted to go back to his apartment and sleep, preferably in his arms, like you used to when you guys were younger.

"We're not too far from home," He says. Home..You liked the way that sounded coming from his mouth, it was always nice to hear it. "Do you want to get out and walk around? Go sit on the beach." You shake your head, sniffling softly. He kisses the top of your head once more, rubs your shoulder with his large hand. "Okay babygirl, let's go home..you look like you need some rest." He wasn't wrong, between the morning sickness that had been plaguing you in recent days, and the stress of everything, you hadn't been getting enough rest.

You manage to stay awake for the rest of the ride back, letting the gentle breeze through the open window soothe you. Jake doesn't say a word, but you see a look on his face, his eyebrows furrowed like he was thinking really hard about something. "Jake?" You ask, turning to face him, wondering what was on his mind.

"Stay." He says, looking over at you as he pulls up to his apartment building, the truck rolling to a stop. "..I..You should be here with me, you should've been with me from the beginning, but I was too chickenshit to man up and ask." You're shocked, and start to open your mouth, wanting to stop him. "Let me finish, damn it!"

"I haven't gone a day without talkng to you or thinking about you since the day I met you, and it's not just because you were my best friend, because you always will be that, no matter what, it's because i've been in fucking love with you since day one. And maybe i'm dumb because it's taken me so long to realize it, because everyone i've ever dated knew it but dammit i know it now, and have for a long time.." He rambles, you're unsure of what to make of this, your brain still processing that you were hearing him correctly. "I..know that this isn't the ideal situation, and i know that that little girl isn't my blood, but dammit i don't care because i already think of her as my kid, and i have since i found out..I can't let you walk away, not without knowing how i feel..I want to be with you through this, and through everything else in life so i can take care of you the way that you deserve, because Y/N, nobody else in this world is ever going to love you like i do.." You feel yours well with tears and subconsciously you pinch yourself, hoping to god that you weren't dreaming. "So stay with me, please.."

"Oh, Jake.." You whisper, tears spilling once more from your eyes. You can't make any other words come out of your mouth so you just nod your head and you watch his body sag with relief before you unbuckle your seatbelt and rush forward into his already waiting arms. He squeezes you tight and presses a long kiss to the top of your head as you hiccup.

"Hey, no more tears, babygirl, okay?" He whispers, leaning your head back as he brushes the tears away with his thumb, you lean into the embrace, a smile gracing your lips as your arms go around the back of his neck.

"They're happy tears, i promise.." You say, leaning forward to press your lips against his. You had though about this moment so many times in your life, and none of your wildest dreams had every prepared your for the real thing. Jake kissed you like a man starved, his hand on the back of your head, fingers scrunching up in your hair as he presses you as hard against him as he can. You groan at the possessiveness of it, pulling back after a moment to catch your breath. You can't help but let out a chuckle, leaning your forehead against his. "You picked one hell of a time to finally fucking say it, Seresin."

"Hey! You could've said it first too you know!" He says and you can't help but laugh, relishing in the way he smiles at you.

Jake & Babygirl taglist: @bellaireland1981 @sky0401 @memoriesat30 @bat-luna-cat @memeorydotcom @mayhemmanaged

[chrisevansonly]

Rough Patch Headcannon🐥💛 (Little Duck AU)

Pairing: Dad! Chris Evans x Momma Evans (Female Reader)

Summary: things aren’t always as they seem in the Evans household, and currently, it’s tougher than rough

Warnings: angst, mental health, arguments, fluff towards end:)

Back on bedrest once again after you got home from your appointment with Chris, Arlie was down for a nap so it made it easier for you to hide away in your shared bedroom, not wanting to talk to anyone or talk about anything

You didn’t think this pregnancy would be easy, especially with baby boy growing everyday and getting bigger and bigger, but the aches, the constant pain you were in mixed with a very active toddler were draining you more than you’d ever admit

It started 3 weeks ago when you noticed you felt down, you’d experienced this feeling before after giving birth to Arlie, the dark cloud swimming around over top of you, the weight on your shoulders, that on top of the unbalanced hormones with baby boy, were cause for disaster

It also wasn’t fair that you’d been so snappy with Chris recently, he never took offence to it, never got angry, he knew you were in loads of pain, he just wished he could take it from you

“Okay…please be good so I can wash my face baby..”

The plead seemed to work momentarily before he pushed roughly on your ribcage, a frustrated groan leaving your lips before angrily tossing your face products to the side

You couldn’t help the sudden sobs that escaped as you tried hard to hold it together and not have a total breakdown, Chris shoving the door open in worry a few seconds later

“Hey, hey, whoa honey…what’s going on?”

“I can’t t-take this pain anymore, all it is and a-all it has been is p-painful and I c-can’t even do anything a-anymore!”

Chris almost didn’t know what to say to try and console you, you didn’t stay in the bathroom long enough for him to hug you, opting to move back and get into bed

“What can I do to help you in this moment sweet girl?”

You shrugged and it was like all resolve left you

“Nothing. I don’t want anything, there’s nothing that can help, I’m giving up, I want to just be in pain in bed, alone and god I don’t fucking know!”

The minute you heard a soft whimper and a quiet “momma…?” your heart stopped and you cursed quietly to yourself, looking over to see Arlie, mr.duck clutched in her arms as her bottom lip wobbled, her eyes glassy

“Hi my love…come in”

“Why you yelling momma…? don’t like it.”

She walked close enough for you to help her on the bed, her little arm covering your bump and she rested against you

“I’m sorry duck, I didn’t mean to scare you, Momma just isn’t feeling well that’s all…”

Chris watched quietly sitting at your feet, his hand squeezing your ankle gently

“I s’owwy you not feeling well momma…I can help you feel better!”

A tired smile showed on your face as you rubbed a hand over her head, the frustration leaving your body only to be replaced with that sinking feeling of sadness and dread

“I bet you could my love..”

Chris could see the sudden drop your mood, leaning over to tickle Arlie’s little feet, a giggle filling the room

“Come on baby girl, let’s go make some of Momma’s favourite snacks, maybe do some art for her?”

Arlie sat up nodding her head before kissing your head softly

“Bye momma! Be back soon!!”

She ran off towards the hallway, Chris couldn’t help the laugh he let out watching her excitement at the idea of helping cheer her momma up, truth be told he wanted to help his wife in any way he could

“I’m sorry i’m being such a horrible wife and mom..I don’t know how you still stand to be around me”

It was instantaneous how his hands reached to hold your face, your eyes shifting to meet his

“I love you, I love you so much I would do anything for you, you know that…right?”

After you nodded he continued

“You are the best mother to Arlie and our little guy, and you are the best wife a man could ever ask for. I know things have been so incredibly hard, and you’re in a lot of pain, so much so that I wish we could swap places because seeing you hurting like this and not knowing how to help you is killing me..”

You hadn’t even realized you’d started crying until he swiped his thumb across your cheeks

“I-I’ve been so horrible to you…”

“You’ve been frustrated, in pain and going through a really rough time, I haven’t taken any of that to heart because I know that isn’t you…what I do want is for us to work together to help you get comfortable, and to help this beautiful brain of yours feel better..”

Chris moved to pull you into his side, his lips pressing a few kisses to your temple

“DADDY ‘HUWWY UP I NEED HELP!!”

You let out a soft laugh, the first one in a few weeks and Chris joined you, leaning down to press a kiss to your lips

“I missed that sound, we’re gonna take care of you and figure this out I promise you, now I believe little miss and I have some work to do to get our favourite girl feeling better”

“I love you Chris…”

He stopped at the door, turning to send you a smile

“I love you more sweet girl”

It was nowhere near over, you were nowhere near that happy and bubbly woman you’d once been, and that was okay. For the first time in 3 weeks you felt a little less down, the weigh on your shoulders eased the slightest amount. Although it still hurt and you were still struggling, knowing you had your little girl and your ever so sweet husband in your corner, made things a tiny bit lighter…and you’d take it🤍

[eoieopda]

jade, my dear, my darling, my husband. i have darkened the threshold of your inbox once again for your 2k drabblepalooza (congratulations by the way no one deserves the attention and recognition more than you ilysm) to ask you about park jimin. are you currently writing a miniseries for him? yes. is it enough? also yes. let's just say i'm here to even out the playing field of your requests. i'm doing this for you- nay, for US.

i have been overwhelmed and moody lately and was looking for maybe an established relationship!au with like hurt/comfort or sickfic but make it mental health? this is boring i am sorry LMAO please feel free to disregard i just have many feelings thank you for your time and energy and love OK BYE

happy wife, happy life!!!!! 🥹🩵

pairing: park jimin x gn!reader type: drabble | wc: 700 genre: hurt/comfort, fluff au: established relationship, sick fic rating: pg-13 (minors DNI w/ me regardless!) summary: a lazy day at home with your boyfriend is “self-care,” thank you very much. cw: none!

“Hydrating, detoxifying, brightening, or — uhhh, purifying?”

You lift your head up off the arm of the couch to peek over the back of it. It’s more physical effort than you’ve expended since you sat down two hours ago, but the sight is worth it: Jimin in a frenzy, half-buried in the cabinet below the bathroom sink, barely audible over the sound of his rummaging.

A man on a mission.

You snort. “Is all of the above an option?”

The past week took a lot out of you, and at this point, you’ll take whatever you can get. So far, you’d taken a day off of work, yourself off the grid, and your favorite throw blanket from the basket next to your couch. Your boyfriend — true to form — has taken it upon himself to do the absolute most.

Phase one of Jimin’s unspoken plan started before you’d even gotten out of bed. He’d left to get you boba and came back with not only your favorite tea, but every imaginable impulse buy he encountered on his way home that may come in handy.

Or make you laugh.

Or that smells nice.

Now that you’d been thoroughly showered in unanticipated gifts, Jimin was moving on to phase two. From what you’ve gathered, it includes literal, physical pampering.

Jimin sits back on his knees — careful to avoid bumping his head as he does so — and stares down at the impressive bouquet of plastic packages he’s accumulated. At least ten different types of sheet masks from as many different brands. Even though he’s angled away from you, you can see the way his face scrunches up, deep in thought.

“Are detoxing and purifying not the same thing?” Jimin mutters to himself without looking up.

Instead, he holds one of the mask packets as close to his face as possible, scans the tiny print with furrowed brows and narrowed eyes. Suddenly louder, he tosses his head back and confirms with a whine, “Baby, we bought synonyms.”

You’re too fond for words, especially when Jimin hears you giggling and looks at you, pouting. There’s a beat, then your laughter makes him laugh; and then his eyes disappear as a grin consumes his whole face. You’re not sure how it’s possible for a person to sparkle like that, but watching the way he lights up restores some of your depleted battery.

If life were a video game, there’d be a tiny, 8-bit heart reappearing on your screen.

+5 HP.

Out of spite, Jimin tosses the duplicate masks back into the plastic organizer they’re kept in, takes his final choice in hand, and climbs to his feet. It doesn’t take him long to cross from where he sat to where you sit. It takes even less time for him to launch himself over the back of the couch, where he lands gracefully in the empty spot at your feet.

Like the heartthrob he knows he is, he runs his fingers through his disheveled hair and pushes the strands out of his eyes. You blush — you always blush — and even though he’s not looking at you, the smirk tugging at his lips confirms that he knows that, too.

Jimin shifts on the cushion he’s claimed to face you fully. The untouched bottle of water on the coffee table catches his eye, though, and he frowns — first at it, then at you. Before he can remind you with words, you grab it, unfold the straw, and make a big show of taking a large gulp. Your cartoonish sigh after swallowing earns you exactly what you wanted: an eye roll and an affectionate squeeze on your bent knee.

With the straw still between your teeth, you mumble, “Does dating me ever feel like playing the Sims? You know, making sure my hunger and energy meters aren’t in the red?”

“Of course not.” He reaches out to cup your cheek with his hand. On instinct, you lean into the touch. With all the seriousness in the world, Jimin declares, “I would never stick you in a swimming pool and delete the ladder.”

Your laugh comes from deep in your belly, warms every part of you on the way out of your mouth. You tingle all over when Jimin leans over your bent legs to press a kiss to your forehead.

+10 HP.

[eomayas]

Can you write cold/hot bodyguard baekhyun and his s/o? Reader is really fall in love with him but she is shy. 🥺🥺

a/n: i think i may have misinterpreted this, but i hope you like it! thank you for the support, your request, and your patience. ❤️

the bodyguard • bbh [req]

pairing: bodyguard!baekhyun x celeb!reader

genre: fluff, angst

synopsis: reader has a small crush on her bodyguard, and they share a moment together.

warning: unrequited feelings, mentions of anxiety and poor mental health

you made it a point to know everybody on your team: hairstylists, makeup artists, photographers, stylists, your driver, etc. you also have made it a point to try and keep your staff for as long as possible, unless they express that they’d like to go elsewhere, or they break the rules you have set in place. so far, you’ve only had to have two new people for every position in the last seven years, except for one: your bodyguard.

your bodyguard, baekhyun, has been the most consistent person in your hectic life, and he does his job well. he’s the only one who hasn’t given you any problems—you’re the problem starter in this relationship—and generally stays out of the way and out of your business when he doesn’t need to be in it.

he’s great, to say the least. he only has one major flaw, and it’s that he has to go everywhere with you, all because you made a little mistake two years ago.

you went out to get some snacks, driving yourself rather than calling up your personal driver because it was 2am. you didn’t want to be a nuisance, just wanted to go to the corner store for a few things. all was going smoothly, until you accidentally bumped into somebody on your way out, and they saw who you were and followed you back to your house. luckily, you were just renting the place for a few weeks so it wasn’t actually your residence, but it was enough to set off alarms throughout your team, thus upping the security around you and making baekhyun go with you everywhere, no matter the time or place. he’s always there.

the both of you sit in the back of the SUV that’s taking you back to your hotel from a fashion event. baekhyun stares out the back window, stoic, and you can’t help but look at him for a brief moment. he’s a man of few words, never really talking unless he’s spoken to. everybody on your team really respects him and his dedication to keeping you safe. if anything happened to you, nobody would even look at you, they’d question him immediately and he’d be fired in seconds.

sighing, you pull your feet out of the heels you’re wearing and wiggle your toes. baekhyun glances over at you, but goes back to gazing out of the window once he sees that you’re fine. you know as much about him as he’s let you; he’s 31, lives alone, and likes dogs. he's kept it pretty surface level with you, and it makes sense because his job is to protect you, not to be your friend.

but sometimes, you wish he'd let you in more, would talk to you more. like now; but he's too busy brooding in his seat to talk. you let out a little breath and look out your own window. you spot a fast food restaurant and smile. "excuse me? could you pull over there?" you ask your driver, leaning over the middle console. he nods and you sit back in your chair.

"where do you want to go?" baekhyun asks, looking over at you. he always has a hard stare in his eyes, ever since he was hired seven years ago. they're always daring somebody to mess with him, to mess with you. his eyes bore into yours and you give him a small smile and tell him. baekhyun grunts as if to say 'ok', and turns back to the window.

like mentioned, he's not a man of many words.

over the course of these seven years, you've grown fond of him, grateful for him for caring about you more than you feel like he should. he cares about you—for you—in a way you don't think anybody else has. he'd put his life on the line for yours. and maybe it could be called a crush. maybe.

the driver pulls the car into the fast food lot, and you ask him to pull over and let you out. “what are you doing?” baekhyun asks, looking at you, his eyes narrowed.

“inside?” you say, pointing with your thumb to the restaurant. he shakes his head and you sigh. “it’ll be quick. i swear.” you say.

baekhyun shakes his head and leans forward. “no, y/n. sir, take us through the drive through, please,” he says, and cuts his eyes at you, daring you to tell him otherwise. but you know you ultimately call the shots, and so pop your seatbelt off, daring him to not follow after you, because you know he has to and will.

the driver doesn’t move, just unlocks the door and lets you get out, baekhyun in tow. you gather your dramatically poofy ballgown in your hands so it doesn’t drag on the pavement. you nearly jump when baekhyun gently, but firmly, grabs onto you elbow and leads you inside, blockading you with his body from everybody in the restaurant.

the attention isn’t immediate because of him protecting you, but once you’ve been spotted, it becomes a mini swarm. baekhyun barks orders at people to back away from you and to give you space, and while he does that, you manage to order food for the both of you. you’re not really sure what he likes, so you get the same thing for the both of you, sans drinks.

after you order, the swarm seems to grow, but bakehyun still forces people away. you didn’t think it would be that big of a deal, but like always, you underestimate just how famous you are. sometimes you just truly want to be a normal 26 year old, doing normal 26 year old things, but the lifestyle you live doesn’t warrant that.

when your order is called, the person behind the counter thanks you for coming in and asks for a photo, which you graciously say yes to and pose. one selfie leads to several people shouting your name for one, one person even running around bakehyun and the crowd to get to you.

they grab your arm and shove a camera in your face, a big smile on their lips. you smile and try to pull your arm away, but they only hold on tighter. panic signals go off and you grimace, your eyes looking around for baekhyun who wards off people, his back to you.

all you wanted was food, and to maybe say hello to some fans, but now a surge of anxiety is coursing through your body and your chest feels tight and the lights are too bright and everyone’s voices are too loud. you want to scream, but you know you can’t, and their grip on your arm is too tight and there are too many phones out. you feel like a zoo animal, and all you wanted was fast food.

you hardly register baekhyun appearing before you, his hand on the shoulder of the person who was previously holding onto you, their grip taken away by baekhyun who shoves them away from you. baekhyun grabs onto your waist and pull you out and away from the restaurant, and all but throws you into the car. you don’t even have your food that you ordered, but you don’t even care. you can hear your heartbeat in your ears, and your skin feels like it’s too much for your body.

baekhyun stews in the corner, practically turned all the way around so his back is facing you. he stares out the window, a fist clenched on his leg. he’s pissed; at you and your stubbornness, the swarm, the situation. you weren’t prepared to go in there with just him, you needed st least one more form of security with you.

you make it back to the hotel quicker than you expected, and get out. you thank your driver and then baekhyun leads you into the hotel, a hand on your back.

he leads you to the elevator, where he finally lets go of you and puts a few feet of distance between you guys. you sniffle as you wait for the elevator to arrive, wiping under your eyes. it still feels like there is a weight on your chest.

you step into the elevator when the doors slide open, and lean against the wall. baekhyun presses the floor you’re both staying on, and stands in front of the door with his hands clasped in front of him.

when the doors open on your floor, baekhyun steps out and waits for you to do the same. his hand is back to its place on you, guiding you through the hall to your room. you pull your key out of your clutch and let yourself in. “could you unzip my dress for me, please?” you ask, stepping out of your heels and tossing your clutch on the bed.

baekhyun curtly nods and steps into your room, letting the door close behind him. you turn around and wait for him to grab ahold of the zipper. you hardly feel him behind you, only when the material of the dress doesn’t feel so tight and your back gets cold. you hold the front of your dress so it doesn’t fall, and you thank him before going into the bathroom to change.

you step out of your dress and pull on a bathrobe securing it tightly. you grab a makeup wipe and wash off your face, discarding it in the trash when you’re done.

you leave your dress in a heap on the floor and exit the bathroom, not expecting baekhyun to still be in your room. big he is, awkwardly lingering by the door with his hands in his pockets.

he looks over at you when the bathroom door closes. “are you… are you alright?” he asks, clearing he throat. you shake your head and he rolls his shoulders back. “are you going to be alright? do i need to call jangmi?” he asks. jangmi is your manager, and she definitely cannot know about you minor anxiety attack earlier.

you shake your head again, staring over at baekhyun. he looks down at his shoes and looks back up, like there’s something he wants to say. “i’m gonna head out,” he says at last. he pulls open the door and you stay standing in the middle of the room.

“thanks for… earlier,” you say and he stops to run to face you.

“it’s my job,” he says simply, and you nod. that’s all you are to him; a job, a task. a problem. but to you, he’s a protector, someone you care deeply for because he has to care about you. for you, it happened naturally. for him, you wrote his checks. “goodnight, y/n.” baekhyun says.

“wait,” you cross the threshold to him, holding the door open. he stops and looks down at you, his signature look on his face: stoic, unreadable. “can you stay with me? just for a little bit?” you ask, hating the vulnerability in your voice.

bakehyun surveys you, taking in your mental state and the tone of your voice. this definitely goes beyond the description of his job, providing comfort, rather than safety. but he can’t help the soft spot that he has for you, the one he’s had for you for a long time now.

he nods, once, twice, and then takes a step towards you, making you move out of the way so he can enter.

you let out a breath of relief, and follow him to the small hotel table. he takes one of the chairs, moving it a few feet away while you take the other, bringing your feet up onto the chair.

baekhyun watches you from the other side of the table—not in a creepy way, or like he’s assessing you, but like he’s waiting for you to make the first move, or say something. but you dont. you want company, not necessarily conversation. so you only look back at him.

you revel in how you still feel completely safe with him, when maybe you should be on edge about being in such an intimate space alone together. even his piercing gaze is comforting.

baekhyun stays with you throughout the rest of the night, the two of you moving in mostly silence, even when you order room service. and it’s only when you lay down, and he can confirm that you’re asleep, does he slip out of your room. but not before he leaves a note that says: sleep well. hope you feel better —B.

[sirfrogsworth]

hey man, well done for getting out there with your camera when it must be unspeakably exhausting sometimes. i'm really enjoying all the urban photography! but i'm too shy to say it non-anon! keep it up though!

Thanks!

I've been challenging myself to go on a photography field trip once or twice a month. I realized if I scout a location on Google Maps and do some pre-planning with the street view, I can drive somewhere, set up and take my pictures, and be done within an hour or so.

For my bridge pictures I was looking for a good vantage point and street view had this...

And I knew I could make that work. So on my way to get more eggs I decided to take a detour. I timed it for sunset and headed over there.

Unfortunately there is a really confusing bridge you have to drive over to get there. There was a stoplight, but there was no intersection.

I could not figure out the purpose of this damn stoplight. I was sitting there for nearly 5 minutes and didn't understand why the light wasn't changing. So I thought maybe it was broken or something and just drove ahead.

Then I got to the middle of the bridge and realized my error.

The bridge only had one lane for car traffic. And the light had a sensor that told you if a car was coming from the other direction. And so I was face to face with a car in the same lane.

The area on the right is a bike lane. And there is a huge bump separating the car lane and the bike lane. And unless I wanted to do the world's longest drive in reverse, I had to hop that little curb into the bike lane. As I proceeded forward I could hear it just barely scraping the bottom of my car.

I was very embarrassed.

I'm really hoping I didn't damage anything. But I could tell it was just barely kissing the bottom of my car and only 2 or 3 times so I think it is okay.

But I learned an important lesson.

They don't put out random stoplights for no reason.

In any case, I was able to get my photos and my eggs and be home in about an hour in a half. And that is just about the limit of my energy.

It's actually easier than going to the movies. 3 hours being upright was just too much for me. And I get to spend the next week editing photos and feeling artistically satisfied.

So my photo field trips have been a big help to my mental health and usually only have a day or two of post-exertional malaise. Which is pretty manageable. Going to the movies was usually double that. Which is problematic because I am thinking about going to see Dune 2... which is a 3 hour movie. So 4 hours out and about including driving and whatnot.

I've picked out my next photo field trip already.

This may look like a boring highway, but if I go at night every single one of those cars will leave a long bright light trail that will probably span all the way to the horizon. My only issue is I could really use a companion to go with me. I don't feel safe going by myself. But hopefully I can get that figured out by the time I am ready to go.

I took over 250 photos at the bridge the other night. And I am having trouble choosing which ones are best to share. So I have decided to do some very interesting edits to make them all a bit different. I will be sharing one of those shortly. But I'm a little worried you all are going to get very sick of this bridge.

Thanks for writing in. I hope you have a lovely day.

[fizzing-imagines]

Playtime Pt. 1 | Daycare Teacher! Billy Hargrove x Reader

Notes: This, too, has been living in my head rent-free

Warnings: Alcohol consumtion, pregnancy

Words: 2k

Your best friend and roommate Jenny called in a panic, asking you if you could pick up her 1-year old daughter, your godchild, from her daycare as she started running a fever unexpectedly. She put you down as an emergency contact at her daycare, and she was so caught-up at work that her boss wouldn't let her leave. Of course you agreed, you loved your godchild and treated her as your own. So you got into your car and drove down to said daycare. Once you arrived, you saw the photowall with the employees pictures at the entrance as a new face struck out to you. A handsome, young guy named William Hargrove. You greeted the known faces of the other attendants as you quickly made your way into her toddler room.

"Hi, I'm here to pick up Ari.", you said to the new employee, William, as you entered. "Are you her godmother?", he asked you. "I'll have to ID you because I've never been here for you to pick her up." You gave him an understanding nodd before fishing your wallet out of your bag. Once found, you showed him your ID to which he turned around and got Ari from the book corner. Her face was flushed red and her eyes were watery. "(Y/N).", she mumbled as she reached out her arms to get to you. Happily, you carried her on your arms to make her feel better. "Can I ask you a question?", you asked William in a worried tone. "Sure, any time.", he said with a smile. "I've never took care of a sick toddler, and her mum works for three more hours. What do I do now?" You were at a loss, Jenny always knew what to do. This was a first, for both you and Ari. "Well, I don't have any kids of my own so I can't really recommend anything. Other parents here use Calpol though." You nodded your head while mumbling "Calpol, okay." to help yourself remember. "And cold compresses on the legs and neck if her fever gets higher." You nodded once again. "But it's best if you try and go to the doctor with her, they can tell you much more than I can." He smiled at you as you nodded for the third time. "Thank you so much, and thank you for looking after her.", you said while smiling back at him. "It's not a big deal. Just remember that we have a 48-hour rule of being free of symptoms until she can return to daycare." You were happy that he told you, because you wouldn't have known any of that. "Thank you very much, William.", you said with a smile. "Just call me Billy."

Ari stayed home with you for the entire week as you were on a two-week holiday for your mental health. It helped you a lot, actually, as you had a hard time getting up and doing anything for yourself. So taking care of a tiny human, feeding her, putting her to bed, bathing her, it helped you with doing something good for yourself. So good that, when Jenny was home for the weekend, you decided to go out partying with two friends from high school on a Sunday night. You picked out a beautiful dress, did your makeup, styled your hair and you haven't felt this good about yourself in weeks. After months of low confidence, it shot through the roof just like that.

The club was loud and smelly. People were chatting, dancing, making out in some corner and most of all, drinking alcohol like it was water. Your friends made it their goal for the night as well and made a bee-line to the bar with you. They ordered three shots of tequila, followed by a mojito and a vodka-soda. As you felt the alcohol kicking in, you felt like dancing and made them go on the dance floor with you. You gave it your all, dancing with anyone who was willing to get close to you. And you had such a fun time, being carefree and wild for just one night until you bumped into someone you knew while looking for your next dance partner. "Billy?", you yelled over the loud music. He looked at you, trying to match your face with someone you knew, and he remembered eventually. "(Y/N)!", he said with a grin. "Nice seeing you here!" Billy was clearly intoxicated, and completely different than from who you saw at the daycare. Well, teachers have a private life so you shouldn't be too surprised. But you did end up being surprised when he put an arm around your shoulder and led you to the bar. "Let me buy you a drink, pretty thing.", he said with a flirtatious smirk. You blushed at his words, wondering how one 10-minute impression could get him to talk like that. "S-sure.", you replied, a bit flustered. Billy bought you a Rum-Cola with another shot of Tequila. Your already-buzzed brain did the math and concluded that you'd be piss-drunk in about an hour. "You know, you have to look each other in the eyes when you toast.", he said to you while taking the shot in his hands. "Why?", you asked him. "Because if you don't, you'll have bad sex for the next 7 years." His statement surprised you so much that you couldn't even look away from his eyes, so he took his opportunity to toast with a wink. Oh, so that's the road he chose?

Did you end up back at his apartment? Absolutely. Both of you got drunk as shit and slept together. But you did leave his place when you woke up at 2am and realized what you've done. One check on your Nokia 3110 showed you that you've abandoned your friends at the club with no warning; you had 7 missed calls from them and 3 missed calls from Jenny. "Shit.", you mumbled under your breath as you wriggled out of Billy's arms that were wrapped around your waist. Quickly, you got dressed, called a Taxi and drove back to your apartment. Once you entered, you saw dim light in the living room and stumbled inside, still slightly intoxicated, to find Jenny on the couch. She was trying to keep herself occupied, but you could see her nervousness because she chewed on the nail of her index finger. "Jenny.", you whispered while clumsily taking your shoes off. "Jesus Christ (Y/N)", she whispered back while getting up from the couch. "You've had me worried sick, where were you?". Oh shit. Now you'll have to tell her. "I was...uhm...at a guys house.", you stuttered, still whispering. "Seriously? What, isn't that good? When have you last done that?" She had a wide smile on her face, the initial anxiety and anger washed away in an instant. "Not really.", you whispered in an anxious tone. "It was...it was William, Ari's teacher." Jennys eyes went wide in shock. "He was at the club, and we got drunk so..." She didn't say anything for a while. "Well, you sleep it off and we'll talk about it tomorrow, yeah?" That wasn't really what you were looking fir as an answer. "I'm not angry. I'm just surprised." Now that actually calmed you, but you understood that she needed to cope with what you told her just now.The two of you went to bed, and you didn't wake up until 1pm. The apartment was empty by then, and as soon as you woke up you had to make a bee-line to the bathroom to throw up. Your guts hurt like a bitch, your throat burnined and your head was pounding. Jenny, being the sweet soul that she is, already put out ibuprofen and a glass of water on the small table you had in the bathroom. You were so lucky to have her. In hopes of relief, you took the ibuprofen and went back to bed. Your phone woke you up two hours later with Jenny calling. "What's up?", you grumbled into the speaker. "Good morning.", she said in a cheerful voice. "I have to work overtime today, can you pick up Ari?" A cold shiver ran down your spine. "With Billy there? I doubt it.", you replied in a hoarse voice. Why did your throat hurt so bad? There must have been more than just throwing up...oh. "He went partying yesterday, I doubt he'll wanna work while hungover. He wasn't in this morning, so he most likely has a day off." Jenny was right, and you knew it. "Fine, I'll be the lesbian adoptive mom.", you replied while getting out of bed. "Thank you honey, love you.", Jenny said before handing up. Slowly, you got dressed, put on sunglasses and started driving to Aris daycare. Your brain fully convinced you that Billy wouldn't be there, because who in the world would be such a jackass, so you took it easy as you walked in. Well, both you and Jenny were horribly wrong. Ari was standing behind Billy, who sat on a tiny chair, while putting bows and clips in his mullet. Both were all alone in the room, all kids being picked uo already and the other two teachers outside cleaning up. Did Billy look pleased? Not really, but he didn't look hungover either. Your goddaughter saw you as soon as you closed the door behind. "(Y/N)!", she cheered as she took you by the hand to lead you to Billy. "Pwetty.", she added with a proud smile. "Oh yes, Ari, you made Billy really pretty.", you agreed and undermined your statement with a nod. She then pointed at you with a questioning look. "You can do my hair at home, yeah?" She smiled and nodded in agreement before you picked her up and carried her back to the door. "Can you say bye bye?", you asked Ari. She waved her tiny hand at Billy with a grin on her face. "See you tomorrow, Ari.", Billy said with a wave back.

Weeks passed, you haven't picked up Ari in since the first incident. Once you told Jenny, she started asking Aris godfather to do pickups. Her baby daddy was a no-good leech, and her parents didn't support her so it was just you, Jenny and the godfather. And you thought that it was ideal, but that ideal was broken by a tiny plastic stick with two blue lines on it. "Fuck...", you mumbled. It was all you could say. Jenny was at home, taking a quick shower before wanting to pick up Ari from daycare. "What does it say?", she asked you while peaking out of the shower. "I'm pregnant...", you mumbled. It felt so real now that you've said it. "And you're sure it's Billy's?", she continued. "I haven't had sex with anyone else in the past six months.", you told her while pulling your legs into a criss-cross position. The two of you were having a deja-vu, as this was the exact same way Jenny found out she was gonna have Ari. Just with a different father. "So, I'll give him your number when I pick up Ari and we'll go from there. At least he has a stable job.", Jenny said while washing out her conditioner. "You're way too calm, Jen.", you said. "I just told you I'm pregnant, you're taking this easy." You could hear her chuckle. "Well, if he's a dick as well we'll just be a four-people household."

But Billy did call you and asked to talk with you face-to-face. While Jenny didn't tell him what exactly happened, she did tell him that it was important. Billy already had his suspicions at those words, but he didn't know how to feel about them. His mind was reeling as he drove over to your place to pick you up, and you were waiting on the sidewalk with the test in hand. He parked at the nearest parking spot and waited for you to enter. Once you sat down next to him, you silently handed him the test. "Well, fuck.", he mumbled as he looked at the two blue lines.

"Yeah, that's kinda how that happened."

[chimivx]

TASTE. -> 'Haven' from the POV of Hyunjin. (Part Five of Six)

summary: Three days isn't long enough to outrun the past. It's even harder when it shows up at your door.

word count: 9.4k

warnings: 18+, infidelity themes all throughout, toxic friendships/relationships, sexual content, alcohol abuse, struggles with mental health themes, cursing, physical violence between male friends, if I missed anything PLEASE LET ME KNOW!

a/n: It was hard reliving this.. Especially this side of it. Almost to the end... <3

The knock at the door pulled me back.

Heart twisting in my chest, lungs tightening beyond belief, I snapped my attention to my bedroom door, opened just a crack, and tried to take a breath. Though doom consumed me my head was a shit ton clearer and my legs were trembling ever so slightly. A regretful euphoria coursed through my veins skyrocketing all of the progress I’ve made in the last three weeks backward. 

Here we were again.

A million thoughts coursed through my mind, my brain trying to sort them all in these seconds of silence that followed the hollow sound that echoed down the hall. Felix was at my door, and Jade was in my bed. Felix was at my door, and Jade was naked in my bed. Felix had no idea she was stopping by, shit I had no idea she was stopping by, and after ending up where we’ve ended up I had completely forgotten that Felix was coming over.

It was pure idiocy for me to forget, we’ve only spent the last three days together. Once I left his house that afternoon after our night together, having eaten breakfast we���d made together, bumping elbows with one another as we tried to wash up together… We’ve spent nearly every waking hour with each other, ending each night with a phone call before we slept in our separate beds. It’s been three days, but we’re holding true to our agreement.

Sure we weren’t together for numerous reasons, one of those reasons staring me in the face at the moment, but our time together was special, it was building something, like trust and genuinity. Something I never thought I’d actively be trying to pursue in a relationship. Something I think I’ve already broken before even obtaining it.

Why did she have to show up at my door?

Why wouldn’t she call?

She should’ve fucking called.

Why would she dress herself in his clothes if she was only going to drag a finger up my bare arm, step closer to me with a hand on the doorknob, and flutter her lashes with a pout on her lips?

Her hand slipped around my neck and pushed my head down closer to hers. Our noses brushed, and though she smelled entirely like Minho, the way she whispered, “I miss you,”, and pressed a slow kiss to my cheek pulled me straight under. Within minutes she had me stripped to nothing, pinning me to the sheets before I flipped her over and took control. If she missed me, I was going to make her miss me.

It was wrong, every single part of it. I knew it and I didn’t stop. A small piece of my heart was latched to her touch, to her energy, to her own heart. That’s why she came back. She may think she had the upper hand, but for her to admit she still loved me three days ago after fucking the man she denied for ages… Seeing her face after opening the door following the quietest knock, I shouldn’t be so shocked.

Besides, I know way more about her life with Minho than I should for someone who’s supposed to be moving on. Changbin still lived the life of playing double agent, though Felix told him to stop. Something about it gave me a weird feeling, too. Moving on was supposed to be easy. It shouldn’t have to involve all the sneaky shit.

But, that’s all I seemed to know.

Changbin, after the two of us shared drinks at Haven two nights ago with a Felix beside me messing with my ripped jeans, informed me of all of the doings between Jade and Minho. Playing double agent meant he got to hear all about it when mere hours after hooking up with Jade, Minho aired out his dirty laundry to his friends. Jade’s, too.

It’s a funny feeling, hearing about someone you used to have in the same scenario, same compromised position, that you may have been getting it all wrong. That they’d never brought up something they didn’t like that you’d done, or something they liked and wanted you to do… Or, that you never bothered to ask them if they liked it or not.

The first time I think I’d ever asked a question was either degradingly a half hour into backshots, or the morning after with Felix, where honesty seemed to catch my tongue and stick there. 

How was that side of me able to come around him, yet with Jade it was all lies and tricks?

Minho’s a whiner, apparently. And, apparently, that was something she enjoyed. A shit ton. So, I used it against her. Though, I wondered if it was a part of me trying to protect her, as disgusting as that sounds. Never in my life did I walk around blaring Jade and I’s sex life out like it was something for everyone to enjoy. That was to be kept within the walls, private, for us. Minho isn’t a good guy, he’s sleazy, and just plain mean. She deserves better.

Better sure as hell was not me.

And I know for sure it’s not Minho.

Jade looked up at me now, naked aside from the lacey fabric around her hips she swore she didn’t put on for me. Not that she had to dress up for me, I used to be ready for her even if she was fresh home from the gym. Go figure, she liked me grimey after work, and I liked her sweaty mess. She didn’t know Felix was at the door.

The right thing to do would be to answer the door and tell Felix to come back, after things were sorted out here. I really, really, really didn’t want him to see Jade here, didn’t want him to know what had happened, that we had sex twice, but I believe this was pure karma at work. I was terrified to lose him, and here I was, succumbing to temptation in a situation where I had all of the potential to lose him. Forever.

“It’s open!” Flew from my lips before I had the chance to think about anything else. Fear took the driver's seat behind my eyes today.

With no time to see how it made Jade feel, I bustled down the hall and caught the door in my hand as it swung open. Curious brown eyes peered around the wood, up at me, then around the apartment, like he was looking for something.

“Jade’s here,” I whispered, my brain on auto-pilot.

Felix glanced up at me, his gaze taking in my disheveled appearance, then around the kitchen cabinets as I shut the door. “I saw her car.” He started to frown watching in real time as guilt bubbled over onto my face.

“I’m sorry,” I breathed. My bottom lip quivered. “I didn’t know what to do. She came onto me, and I-”

His fingers brushed my cheek, his touch soothing me quicker than anticipated. “Sh, sh, stop. She’ll hear you.” Quiet as ever, his lips perked up into the tiniest smile as he said, “Act happy.”

“How?” I sighed.

“Laugh.”

“What?”

Felix’s grin grew, his cheeks bunching up his eyes. “Laugh. Ha! Haha!”

An actual laugh tumbled from me at the sudden sound, taking me by surprise. Lacing his hand in mine he pulled me to the couch in the space around the back of the kitchen, making himself comfortable on the cushions, tugging me close to him. Not close enough to be considered flirty, but enough to be friendly.

“Is she going to leave?” Felix asked quietly through a smile, still pretending to laugh a bit. He tucked his knees beneath him on the sofa, grabbing onto one of my arms.

Shrugging, I said, “I dunno, I think? I ran out of there.”

“Hyunjin!” The sneer was blocked by his perfect teeth, but it still stabbed me in the heart regardless.

“I didn’t know what to do.” We spoke like two teenagers harboring a secret.

With a tilt of his head, he said, “I called her the other day.”

Glancing over my shoulder toward the hall at a scuffle heard over the floor, in case she was coming by, I whipped my neck back around and my eyes bugged out of my head. “What the fuck? Why?”

He withheld a breath. “Because of what I said. We need to talk this out.”

Entirely too calm for my liking at this very moment, Felix looked through me, his eyes lighting up with a smile. 

“Hi,” he said, with a raise of his brow.

Jade, standing in her leggings and blue hoodie that belonged to Minho, stared back at him, quiet for a few seconds before she bobbed her head and glanced to the floor. “Hey.”

The tension could be cut with a fucking knife.

Fear took the wheel again, the sparks in my brain going off, shooting through my chest. I couldn’t control it. I don’t know why, in her presence, I have to be a dick.

“See you later.” It came out of me too harshly. After what we had just been doing, what I had just done to her, what she made me do. The deep breath Felix took wasn’t audible, but I could see it. He spoke through his small smile.

“You’re coming to Haven?” he asked.

Right, that was the plan. Haven. I needed her to leave. I needed my brain back where it belonged.

Clearing her throat, Jade toyed with her fingers and shrugged her shoulders. “I dont… I don’t know.” 

“We haven’t seen you in forever,” Felix said, twisting on the couch to face her, dropping his feet to the floor, letting me go entirely. Fear in the driver's seat swapped with nausea for the wheel. The room was getting hot, I could feel the way my white t-shirt clung to my skin. And what the hell was that sound coming from outside? Did my apartment always sound like this? The air conditioning was on, maybe it was that. But, if the air was on, why was it so fucking hot? Am I supposed to feel my heart beating in my chest? Jesus, my palms are sweating, thank God Felix let go of me. I don’t think I can feel my feet…

Jade moved to the door, pulling me out of complete turmoil. Gripping her suitcase like she had been seconds before jumping my bones, she’d shoved a hand in the pocket of her, Minho’s, hoodie.

“Oh,” I said suddenly, gathering the attention of the room. A smirk found my lips. “Make sure everything makes it home safely. Don’t need anything… slipping out.”

Groaning, she hurried around and barreled through the door, but not before Felix added, “Is her bag broken?”

She left us with a slam of the wood.

My eyes were glued to the door, the terror consuming me.

“What the fuck, Hyunjin?” Felix’s voice was just above a whisper. His gaze fell over me and I didn’t have the guts to look back. My heart was lodged in my throat, my hands trembled, and I didn’t want him to help me.

He’s seen me cry far too many times for us to have only been involved for so long. He’s helped me through too much, and this was how I repaid him. I told him I didn’t want to hurt him, I told him I didn’t want him to turn into one of them. And, I’ve done it.

I won with Jade, but I lost right here.

There’d be no coming back from this.

“We aren’t dating,” Felix said quietly, his hand sliding around my back, drawing circles where it curved, me having hunched over on to my lap trying to control my breath. Tears were falling, I was breathing rapidly, and I had no idea it was even happening.

Sitting straight up I turned to him, pushing my hair from my face, tucking it behind my ears. Felix tucked his hands over his lap and gave me an unreadable look, one that messed with every feeling coursing through my body.

“What’d you say?” I gasped, running my fingers through my hair once more after wiping my cheeks clear.

He gave me that tilt of his head. “We aren’t dating,” he repeated.

“What are you talking about?”

Reaching over toward me, he tucked a stray hair behind my ear and drug a finger along my jaw before his smile made a short appearance. “We’re not together, Hyunjin. We’ve discussed this. Take some breaths, you’re okay.” Rolling my head backward, blinking out fresh tears, I nearly toppled over, my head was so light. Felix caught me by the shoulder and moved me closer. “Calm down, I’m right here.” 

I shouldn’t have buried my face in his neck, but I did. He let me. Holding me for a moment, letting me be, the steady tracing of his fingers over my shoulder blades soothed me enough to choke out some words.

“I want to be done. With it all.”

Felix’s fingers stopped their tracing. He hesitated a second, then said, “Please say more words, please tell me that thought doesn’t end there.”

Sitting back, regaining my balance, I wiped my cheeks and nodded. His big brown eyes took me in, I could only begin to imagine what I looked like. “I’m over it. Jade, and them. I want it to be done. I hate what I did. She just showed up here, she wanted more of her stuff, so I let her in.” A breath shot through me. Felix’s hand ended up on one of my knees. “I’m not blaming her entirely ‘cause I could have stopped her, I just…” Putting my hands over my chest I clawed at my shirt. “It makes me feel… like this. All of it. Jade, Haven, Minho… Han.”

Felix nodded, his hand giving me a squeeze. “Thank you for telling me. I know this probably brought up a lot of awful feelings you thought you were finally able to move forward from.” He giggled at the way I glared at him. “I’m serious. Yes, I may be therapisting you right now to avoid how all of this makes me feel, but I’m speaking the truth.”

I hurt him. Whether he was mine or not, whether I was his, whether what we shared was going to end up a one time thing… I hurt him. It wasn’t intentional, but saying that wouldn’t fix anything. None of it mattered, how it went down, who came onto who… I hurt him.

This was the second time I’ve ever felt this way.

Guilty. Responsible. Like I could’ve done more, I should’ve done more.

I could’ve stopped it from happening. Instead, here I sit watching someone I love suffer.

Granted, I’m an adult now. The first time this type of feeling suffocated me, I was a child. God, if she was here now I don’t even want to know what she’d think of me, who I’ve become, what I’ve done. This wasn’t what she wanted for me. It was in front of me now, what she wanted for me. Someone to care for, someone to care for me. Someone to love.

“Get out of your head,” Felix whispered, taking a finger beneath my chin, lifting it up so I’d look him in the eyes. “I see it going, get out of there.” The crinkle of my bottom lip made him pout.

“I’m sorry.”

And we were back to counting apologies.

Felix merely nodded, taking his hand back. “I’ll be honest with you.” He waited for me to acknowledge what he said before moving on. “This is why we’re not in a relationship.” A knife to the gut. He was fully aware. He had been if he’d liked me for this long. And yet here he was, sitting in front of me… Putting up with it.

I would not go backward.

“You should go,” I whispered, my tone not the slightest bit harsh.

No one moved for a few seconds, until he glanced away and released a soft breath. “You’re not okay, how am I supposed to do that?”

When he met my gaze once more I let the tears fall. “You’re too… God, Felix.”

“Too, what?” he questioned, voice soft.

Too good. So incredibly kind hearted, and gentle, and understanding, and forgiving. So beautiful, and even more so after waking up in the sunlight. A heart of gold, sitting next to… A dark depressive cloud spreading over everything.

“Perfect,” I whispered. Felix narrowed his eyes, looking down at his hands. “Clearly my life is meant to be this way. Thought it wouldn’t happen to you, and it did. Why do I deserve you sitting here with me after this?”

“Because I-”

Whipping his head toward me, he cut himself clean off. The gears spun behind his eyes as his gaze flickered between mine, then he pushed himself to the edge of the couch.

“I should go,” he said.

My heart skipped a beat, my blood running somewhat cold. He stood to his feet, and I felt my face drain of all color. He was serious. Giving me the sweetest look of sorrow, taking in how I gaped toward him, he took himself to the door. My body decided to follow, lingering a few feet behind him.

“I just,” he turned to me one last time, and gulped, “I’m going to need time, I think. We need some space. I need some space. We’ve got to… think this through. Both of us.”

“Okay.” It was all I could force through my lips. Felix reached out a hand and held onto my arm for a moment before he smiled, and then he left, the door shutting gently behind him.

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Throat tightening, legs turning to jello, I was frozen. Paralyzed. 

What the fuck did I do?

He left. Felix left, he was gone. A piece of me was praying he’d stay, that he wouldn’t leave me here. Alone. It’s not like Jade was coming home, coming back after what had happened. She normally would, even if we fought and said things we half meant, she’d be back, and I wouldn't be alone, and everything would be somewhat okay. Then, when shit got messed up with her, I had Felix. I could turn to Felix, lean on him for support.

I couldn’t deal with it myself. I couldn’t be alone. I hated being alone. Despised it. It’s how I spent the majority of my life until I fell in with Changbin.

Changbin.

Stumbling backward into the kitchen, I plastered myself to the counter by the phone and ripped it off the wall. Punching in his number I twisted around to rest my full body weight against the edge, the curly cord wrapping around my torso.

It rang once.

Pick up.

It rang twice.

Pick up.

It rang three times.

Please, please pick u-

“Hey, man,” Changbin said, half surprised. The sound I let out made him laugh. “Are you okay?”

“No,” I blurted out, attempting to slow my breaths. He caught on quick.

“You got me, I’m right here,” he said. “I’m not doing anything, talk to me. Make sure you’re breathing into your stomach, bro, you can’t handle that shallow shit.”

“I know,” I gasped. “I know, I know.”

“Is Felix there? He told me yesterday you guys had plans.” 

“He… just left.”

Changbin, quiet for a second, hummed, then said, “What’s going on?”

The floodgates opened up. 

I told him everything. From the night I spent at Felix’s, up until right now.

“You don’t like to take anything slow, do you?” His joke got me to laugh, something small.

“With him I do,” I admitted, partially to myself. “Even if he’s already become the best sex I’ve ever had.”

“He was right for saying you guys shouldn’t do anything else,” Changbin said. “At least until you’re both in a place where you can… Just be each other's. You know?”

“He’s so good, Changbin,” I said quietly. “A person, I mean, not in… You know what I mean.”

He laughed, making me smile. “If you need to talk about your sex life with someone safe, I’m your guy, Hyune.” 

“Thanks.”

“And for the record, I won’t go spreading your business around the world,” he said, placing a nonexistent reassuring hand on my shoulder. “I’m your friend. I was your friend first. Your best friend. And, even though I was a little… shocked at this Felix thing, I hope you know you can tell me anything.”

“Yeah, sorry,” I mumbled, tangling my finger in the phonecord. “He came out of nowhere. I don’t even think I knew I was… I liked… Until, I like, looked at him.”

He was quiet, thinking about what I had said. It felt good to talk to him, to have this conversation with him, like we were back in his bedroom, up into the early hours of the morning talking about every single little thing. 

“Yeah, I dunno, man,” he chuckled after a few moments. “You always had eyes for other guys, remember Choi San? College? Our freshman year?”

Blowing air through my nose, I groaned. “Oh god, I hated that guy, what are you talking about? Remember how he dressed? Every girl loved him.”

“Every girl loved you too, bro.”

“Yeah, but he was cocky as fuck. He thought he was hot shit ‘cause he was fucking a twenty one year old.” Changbin nearly snorted.

“Wasn’t hot shit when he got her pregnant,” he laughed.

I laughed with him, shaking my head. “Didn’t he marry her for a year before she left him? You really thought I liked him?”

This time he did snort. “You did like him!”

“I wanted to kick his ass,” I deadpanned.

“Is that what it’s called?” Changbin teased.

“Shut up, Bin!”

His laughter was contagious, thankfully. “On a serious note, though,” he said, calming himself down, “You like Felix, and it isn’t purely centered around sex. I think this is new for you.”

Every relationship, or situation I found myself in, I suppose it was centered around what happened in the bedroom. I’d only ever romantically been with a woman, but other than what we’d share between the sheets, I can’t remember a time where outside the bedroom we’d been able to click.

Until Jade. She’d been a best friend. But, even then, I wasn’t able to fully give myself to her.

“What’s that mean?” I asked so quietly I wasn’t sure he’d be able to hear me.

I wasn’t afraid of the word. I was able to say it. It was just new. It wasn’t a regular thought, or something I struggled with, like Felix. He had it hard growing up, it was a battle for him. If I liked him, if I liked what we had done, and I was attracted to him, did that mean I was… gay? But, if I enjoyed the things I did with women… Was there something in between?

“Think it means you found your person,” he said. My stomach flipped. “He’s liked you for a long time, Hyune. He’s an excellent secret keeper. And, so am I.”

“He’s told you before?” I sighed, twisting my brows. 

Changbins little laugh did nothing to ease the nausea that built in my gut. “Yeah, since he met you.” So, he was telling the truth. This whole time. Not that he gave me any reason not to believe him. “The first night he came with me to Haven, the whole drive back to his house was, ‘The boy with the long hair’, ‘Him and the girl, are they dating?’, ‘Is it stupid for me to like him?’”

The horrible Australian accent crippled me. “He said all that?”

“Pretty sure.” I could hear Changbin’s shrug. “He talks a lot, I usually can’t get him to shut up. Are you there with him yet?”

A piece of my heart cracked. “I want to be. I think I almost was. He’s… full of surprises. Learn something new about him everyday.”

“Did you hear about the dude who lives outside of Delo?”

A singular laugh flew out of my chest as I lurched forward and smacked my thigh. “Yes! What the fuck!? You know about him? He wouldn’t give me details!”

“It was Han’s dad, Hyunjin.”

I only wished he was here in person to see my jaw hit the floor. I wanted to laugh, I wanted to laugh so loud.

“Jisung has no idea,” Changbin continued. “So, it's hilarious for him to keep using that word.”

“His dad isn’t married?”

“Oh, no, he’s married.”

I scoffed, rolling my eyes. “Felix is what… Twenty-two? How old was he when he…”

“Think that’s for you two to talk about, I’ve said enough.”

“Well, if he looks anything like his son, I get it.” My words caught up to me, but Changbin clocked them first.

“Dude.” I could hear his smile. “Maybe you are gay.”

Sharing a laugh and a few profanities thrown back and forth like we were eighteen all over again, when we calmed ourselves, I surprised myself again.

“I think I… I could really, like, love him, yanno?”

“I hear you,” Changbin assured me.

“I know it’s only been a few weeks, but…”

“Think it’s the years finally catching up to you.”

Bingo.

“Damn, Bin,” I breathed, twirling around to face the counter, the cord wrapping around me for the third time.

“Whether you're gay, or something else, I don’t know if there’s anything else you can be… Something is telling me this is, like, truth coming out. Your truth. And, listen, after everything you’ve been through, you deserve this good thing that wants you just as bad.”

Swallowing hard, I took a breath and said, “Then, I need you to help me.”

“‘Course,” he answered.

“Can you… Would you be able to find me a… therapist, or something.”

Sighing theatrically, Changbin shouted a praise to God. “Has hell frozen over!?”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “I hope so.”

“You have my word,” he said. “I’ll find you someone, I promise.”

“Thanks, Bin.”

“Anytime, Hyune.” His line went quiet for a few seconds. “Just so you know, in case he hasn’t told you… Felix hates it at Haven. He came with me for the first time because I invited him out, and he had the worst time. The only thing that mattered to him was you. That’s why he still comes, because you’re there. It’s not my place to say it, but…. I think he loves you, too.”

Felix used to fuck his dad.

Staring at him dead in the face while he spoke, his tan skin aglow underneath the neon lights on the wall, a fact I needed to shove deep down now that I was aware it was attraction, all I could think about was how he had no idea that his father, the very one he bragged about, used to get down with scrawny little Felix. 

My scrawny little Felix.

I also had no idea how I was able to sit here with him, any of them, besides Changbin who took to my side the second I stepped in the door. After what had happened this morning, I had no intention of telling anyone else, but he knew I was going to need him. Thankfully Jeongin and Seungmin were here, sitting with Han and Chan, when Changbin and I approached the wooden slab full of empty cups.

It’d been a while since I’d last seen either boy a year younger than myself, it’d be refreshing to hear someone other than Han speak for a change. However, an hour into the night now, no one had been able to get a word in. That is until Changbin caught him at the tailend of a story about work.

“Hey, Han,” he cocked his chin curiously. “How’s your dad?”

Sipping the glass of whiskey Dina had brought me, I nearly choked on it.

“Admirable, as always,” Jisung winked, ignoring me entirely. “Why do you ask?”

Changbin shrugged. “Haven’t heard about him in a while, he must be working hard.”

Han smirked, nudging Seungmins shoulder. The poor boy was going to have to suffer through story after story now that Jisung had fresh ears. “He’s always worked hard. None of you would know what it feels like to do those grueling days and nights like he pulls.”

Seungmin sipped his drink and shot him a look. “I would.” Chan put a reassuring hand to his shoulder between sips of his drink, the muscled up Aussie keeping his thoughts to himself tonight it seemed.

The dark haired boy was a night shift nurse at a hospital a few minutes into Delo. The primary reason he hasn’t been out and about with us. Once Seungmin finished up with school he was thrown right into the mess and hadn’t been able to sleep properly since.

Han waved his hand and nudged him again. “You know what I meant.”

“Do I?” Seungmin smirked, glancing my way. Popping my brows I let him know he wasn’t going to get a clear answer out of him. “Nothings changed, I guess.” Jeongin and Changbin shared a quiet snicker.

“Actually,” Han sat forward, side eyeing me before he faced Seungmin. “Plenty has changed.”

“Jisung,” Chan muttered, his lips hovering over his empty cup. He sat scrunched over the edge of the table, his body language telling me too much. He didn’t want to be here either.

Groaning, I knocked back what was left in my glass, my only glass, and pushed my chair back, hoping to catch Dina at the bar to give her an update of what’s happened. Surely she’d have some advice, and even if she didn’t, I think I needed a decent backhanding to reset whatever the fuck was wrong with me.

“You good?” Changbin called after me. Turning, finding Jeongin watching me as well with equally worried eyes, I raised my glass for confirmation and kept walking.

Weaving through the crowd, I thought about what Changbin had said over the phone, how Felix hated coming here. Tonight it was easy to see why. This wasn’t his kind of scene. Without a couple of drinks in me, I wasn’t sure it was my scene either. Not anymore.

“Hyunjin,” Dina’s voice pulled me onto a stool, my glass in her hand before I realized she’d taken it. “Having another?” I studied the bar, the wood aged and cracked. Looking up at her, her expression wound seriously when she saw my own. “I don’t know.”

“Whaddaya mean?” she raised a brow. “What goes on? Felix here tonight?” Breaking my eyes away from her, it told her all she needed to know. “Oh, man, what happened?” She got rid of my glass and leaned forward on the bar, her chin finding sanctuary over her fists. “I was rooting for you guys.”

“Thanks,” I mumbled. “Me too, but I messed it up. As usual.”

Dina frowned. “You’re always so hard on yourself, Hyunjin. I’m sure it isn’t that bad, you-”

“I had sex with Jade,” I said, staring hard at the bar.

“Oh… Oh, that’s-”

“Today,” I kept going. “This morning, she showed up to get her stuff, and then he came by when she was still there and then-”

She cut me off by grabbing onto a wrist. “Hyunjin, hang on,” she giggled. “If you want to talk about this we can hang out after my shift. I get what you’re saying, and I appreciate you telling me, but you have to be careful. Don’t say too much right now, not when I know all your friends are here.”

Blinking, I gazed up at her and only hung onto two words she said. “You wanna hang out with me?”

Dina smiled, squeezing my wrist tighter. “I do,” she nodded. “We gotta… stick together, people like us. You’re cool, and not some big scary bad guy. If anything you’re a big dorky sap who looks exceptional in black.” My cheeks flushed. “I’m not the only one who thinks so, either.” She nodded her head toward the door. “Though he’s probably thinking about it differently than I am.”

Turning around embarrassingly fast, Felix was lingering by the door, his eyes eating away at my back until I had spun myself to find him. He attempted to look away, to make it seem like he wasn’t staring, but the boy really couldn’t lie. I wanted to smile, but it wouldn’t happen. It seemed he was trying as well, but the muscles wouldn’t work.

I left Dina where she stood, she was busy anyway. Eyes locked on him, I weaved through the crowd to reach him. He wore a white wide necked t-shirt that cut off right above the waist of his baggy jeans. His hair was unruly, like it had been this morning, the waves laying over his neck and his brows. He had one earring in his left ear, and a chain around his tanned neck. 

Knowing what I knew now, how he hated it here, the change of outfit from this morning sparked my blood rushing where it didn’t need to go right now. He looked so good. In fact, I don’t even think it was the way he looked, just knowing he despised being within these walls was enough for me to want to pin him against the wall.

“You came,” I breathed once I reached his side. Looking up at me, bright brown eyes shining, he nodded.

“I… Yeah,” he sighed. “Changbin, he uh…” Voice trailing off, he glanced away for a second, only to smirk and shake his head. “He called me, but he had nothing to do with it. I knew you’d be here.”

The warm air condensed around us, all noise other than his voice funneling out of my attention. “He told me you don’t like it here.”

Felix brought his bottom lip between his teeth and tilted his head side to side, considering the options. “I don’t, but I like you, so…”

Taking him by the arm, I pulled him along with me, paying no mind to anyone else. Ducking through the heaps of people packed inside the bar tonight, I took us into the bathroom, into the stall we were in nights ago. Felix drunk, me sobbing.

Tonight was much, much different.

So much had happened, so much had changed within these three days.

Felix was the one to lock the stall before turning to face me. Dragging my hands through the ends of my hair, the top tied up into a knot, I sucked in a deep breath.

“Hate hiding in a bathroom stall,” he said with a small laugh. “Feel like I’m in high school all over again.” The comment tugged at my heart more so than his presence did.

“God, don’t say that, I think that makes this all worse,” I whispered. Reaching for my hands he halted my anxious raking fingers and put them at my side before pulling his behind his back. I wanted to lace mine with his, but I understood why he wouldn’t let them linger.

“I was just trying to make a joke,” he fluttered his lashes. “But, I half meant it.” He tapped the plastic wall with his finger. Both stalls rattled with an obnoxious noise. “It’s hard to hook up when they sound like that.”

I cracked a laugh once he did. “You’re so funny.”

“It’s the truth,” he shrugged, glancing at the walls before he fixed his gaze on me, and only me, for the remainder of the time we stood here. “Why’d you bring me in here?”

“Why’d you follow me?” I asked, completely avoiding his question.

He didn’t dodge mine, but he certainly didn’t answer it. Bringing his lips between his teeth he shot me a look that told me he wasn’t going to tell me unless I answered him first.

“I talked to Changbin today,” I started slowly, my voice shaking as the confession poured from me. “I asked him about a therapist, about getting me a therapist, or finding one for me.” Felix’s expression didn’t falter. “I want a relationship with you, a genuine, real, relationship. I’m done being scared, I’m done running from things, I’m sick of it. I think I love you, and I’ve never been able to say those words and mean them. I want to call you my boyfriend, and I want to be yours. I want people to know that you’re mine, I want people to know that I’m yours, and only yours. I’ll do anything. I can’t lose you, Lix. I made a mistake, a huge ass mistake, but you have to understand that it was because I’m still hurting about what’s happened, and I don't want to use it as an excuse, but… You said it yourself, this is why we aren’t in a relationship, and I get that. You know I get that, I’m incredibly self aware. I want to better myself, for you. For us. For myself, but for us. I want to be better for you.”

Eyebrows flipped over, I swore tears welled in his big eyes. A smile pulled at his lips, a real one, a happy one. He was silent, staring at me with… I don’t even know what. I didn’t want to get my hopes up. I’d also never poured my heart out so heavily in such a long time. Since I had my heart shattered to pieces in the midst of my college years. One of the reasons it was so hard for me to open up.

He brought it out of me. He was able to get this side of me. And not one bit of it scared me. The only thing that terrified me endlessly was losing him.

Taking a breath, Felix shifted on his feet and I braced myself for the worst. “You really asked Changbin to find you someone over me?” My racing heart seemed to ease. “Yeah…”

He smirked. “Think that hurts the most.”

“Oh, no, I was only-”

“I’m kidding,” he said quickly, taking my hands that shot out toward him in defense. His fingers melted between mine, like I’d wanted them to. Dragging his thumbs over the backs, his gaze softened. “I have someone for you already, I can talk to Changbin. I was waiting for the right time to bring it up to you, but… I think he’d be really good for you.” His smile inspired mine. He added softly, “He does a lot of AA work, too.”

“Thank you,” I whispered.

“Of course,” Felix whispered back, stepping closer to me. Taking one of his hands out of my grip, he slipped it behind my neck and beckoned me closer. “C’mere,” he sighed, before pressing his lips to mine. I’d never submitted faster, feeling utterly desperate. This feeling, one I never wanted to forget.

It was over before I had the chance to savor it.

Felix, poking his tongue out between his lips as he pulled away, brushed his nose against mine and gave me the tiniest smile. Within a breath and whisper he rendered me thoughtless. “I like the way you taste, too.”

He left me when we walked out into Haven together, having spotted Jade at the bar with Minho. Ignoring my heart sinking into my stomach, I let him go. 

When had those two shown up?

Taking myself back to the tables where my friends sat, I took the spot beside Changbin and slumped backward in the chair, unable to keep the small smile off my lips. Everything was alright, everything was going to be alright, and that was enough. The kiss, one he was so eager to give me, it told me plenty. After however long Felix needed, however long I needed, we were going to be okay.

Taking it slow was a foreign concept to me, but when it came to Felix I felt ready to give it to him. Time. I had meant what I said, that he was worth the wait. He would be worth the wait. The idea of meeting with a therapist, someone on the outside of all of this bullshit, even though it terrified me… Something within me told me I was ready. I hoped.

If I wasn’t, I’d do it for Felix. I’d probably do anything for Felix. 

He really was perfect in every way. He felt perfect in every way, and even if he wasn’t, he was to me. His baggage, his shadows, whenever we got the chance to get down it, unpacking them… My heart fluttered. To entrust someone with the deepest parts of themselves, I couldn’t wait to get to it. He’s known mine, everyone has known mine, to some extent. Together Felix and I could shape our world into one where we’ve been the only ones to see the depths. Privacy. A relationship without sixteen hands in its details, stirring the pot.

“What’s got you so smug?” Jeongin asked me, pulling me out of my fantasy filled head. Looking at him past Changbin, who was enthralled by Seungmin’s work horror story, I shrugged my shoulders and let my smile grow.

“Nothing,” I said, and he smirked, his fox-like eyes narrowing.

With a little nod, he took me in, then said, “Happy for you.”

We shared a smile before he focused back in on Seungmin, who even had Han locked in, his eyes open wide. Hopefully he was learning a valuable lesson to never doubt Seungmin’s hard work ever again.

Beneath the table Changbin nudged my knee with one of his, and when I turned to him he was nodding toward the crowd and Felix making his way through it. 

Blood running cold, face going warm, I leapt from my chair and held out a hand in question, one he took without a second thought, squeezing it tight. His brows were furrowed, and worry was swimming within his brown eyes, like it had been the first night we were here alone. 

Minho.

“What’d he do,” I growled behind gritted teeth. 

Felix, looking up at me, shook his head. “He’s just a jerk. Don’t worry about it.”

Reinstating my grip with a squeeze to his hand, I took a deep breath. “What did he do?”

“I was only trying to break the ice, I didn’t want to cause any problems.” Of course not, and he never did. My vision tunneled. My skin burned in anger. Sweet Felix, my sweet Felix. “He said… I fucked this all up,” he gestured around to the guys at the table who paid no mind to us. Except Jeongin. There was a happy curve in his lips as he watched us. “Because I’m… attached to your hip, and if you people are over here, why am I not over there.”

Minho knew nothing.

Did Jade even tell him that she and Felix spoke?

Probably not.

My hands must’ve started shaking, because Felix clasped his other on top of the one he was holding. “Don’t get upset,” he said to me. “It’s not worth it, it’s really okay, it’s not like he said anything…”

“He was rude to you, Lix,” I spat. “He’s always rude to you, he’s always a dick to me. To us. I’m sick of his shit.”

“Let’s just-”

He didn’t have a chance to finish whatever he wanted to tell me. Letting go of his hand I hurried for the bar where I spotted the two of them sitting moments earlier. Minho hovering over Jade, asserting some sort of dominance like I wasn’t on top of her this morning. I bumped into people’s shoulders as I weaved through the crowd, not caring who glared back at me. Tonight wasn’t supposed to include a mission, as Felix would call it, but unfortunately now it did. He was going to stay away from Felix. He got what he wanted, he had his prize. Now, he’d leave mine alone. Us, he’d leave us alone.

“Hey, Min!” I shouted, turning a couple heads that weren’t involved. Approaching the two of them, they turned and I wanted to laugh. Minho had annoyance written on his face, and Jade, fear. This wasn’t about her. I would try my hardest to leave her out of it. It wasn’t me she was afraid of… It was Minho.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Minho spat. They whispered to one another before he pulled himself away from her, his hands falling from where they laid around her shoulder. “You know damn well you need to walk away.” Unfazed by his bark, I smiled, baring my teeth.

“No, I can’t do that,” I said, rocking backward on my heels. Hands shoved into my pockets, I kept my eyes locked on his. “You disrespected somebody I love.”

Minho grit his teeth. “I could say the same.”

My stomach churned.

So, that’s how he took it.

Letting out a laugh, the only thing that could leave my body as I glanced at Jade cowering behind him, I said, “That was no disrespect, she asked for that.” She didn’t tell him anything. A sickness roiled in my gut. He was under the impression I charmed her, and that’s how she ended up in my bed.

“Liar!” Jade jumped to her feet, the stool wobbling behind her. 

Electricity sparked in my veins. Pressing my nails into my thighs within my pockets, I clenched my jaw and tried to take in a deep breath. This would not happen here. 

Pouting my lips, I subconsciously scolded myself for the jerk about to come out. The character they forced me into. The person they wanted me to be. The asshole in their story.

We were both to blame for this morning.

“Oh, right,” I cleared my throat, “I’m sorry,” I said, shooting a sarcastic look toward her. Pointing my eyes at Minho, I narrowed them and said, “Did you like my gift I left for you?”

That got him.

Taking a step forward with his fists clenched, Jade grabbed onto his arm to keep him from coming any closer. Her tentative glance at me made me laugh aloud, again.

She had him convinced. Scarily enough, I think she had herself convinced.

Scanning their stance, from her hands around Minho’s muscle to the look in her eyes, I dipped my chin down and said, “You gotta be careful who you trust, baby. You wonder why I knew what I knew?” I glared at Minho with all the hope in the world my eyes could stun him, pacify him.

Confusion slapped her across the face as she quickly shook her head as if to ignore the way my words put a crack in her ‘convinced’ world. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Yeah, what the hell are you talking about?” He took a quick breath, gulping as he did. 

Double agent Changbin.

Minho knew it too. It was all coming to fruition at this moment.

“You’re kidding,” I huffed, finding it all too amusing. “People talk, these people talk. The people over there?” Minho clenched his jaw. “You think because we’re done it means I’m not going to be friends with them anymore?”

“Walk away,” Minho warned. I ignored him entirely, I now spoke directly to Jade, my voice straight laced with venom.

“You think because you fucked up our relationship, it means I’m going to be the one to walk away?” I hated it. All of it. Half of it wasn’t true, but the next bit was, and she knew it. “You make me out to be a villain to all of our friends, do you know what you’ve done to me?”

She shook her head, eyes locked onto mine, she shook her head. Her gaze knew. I could see it.

“Hyunjin, leave,” Minho said louder, trying to scare me off. I couldn’t blame him, I was trying to do the same to him, and for some reason it killed me.

“Shut up, Min,” I whipped my head, my words sharp. “For once in your life, shut up. If you knew how to do that I wouldn’t be so smart, would I?” A sadistic smile found my lips, and it was all too funny, looking down at Jade who’s trust in Minho had been shaken.

“What?” she whispered, looking at him.

“Don’t listen to him, he’s trying to get in your head,” Minho said, looking down at her.

“Not hers,” I said, taking a few steps closer to him. “Yours.”

“I really, really need you to walk away,” he spoke through his teeth.

Laughing, I asked, “Why?” I narrowed my eyes. “Afraid she’ll realize she misses the good dick and will come running back?” I paused and glanced down at Jade. “Oh, wait… She already did.”

I deserved it I suppose.

Minho’s fist driving into my jaw, my teeth. 

It’d been a long time coming.

I also hadn’t fought anyone in a long, long time, so this would be interesting.

A crowd had formed around us, Minho had laid me out in the middle of the floor where people had been dancing. Everything went quiet, I couldn’t hear much aside from the ringing in my ears and his pathetic voice spurring me on.

By the time I got back to my feet I had thrown two shots, but he blocked them both.

Forgot this dude was a dancer. His hand eye coordination would be somewhat better than my own.

He got me again, twice in the gut as he hooked an arm around my neck.

“You think you can fuck me up?” Minho’s voice was poison in my ear. “You gay boy, you think you can fuck me up?”

That word.

Suppose that was how I’d do it.

Sending a fist upward, I heard his teeth clack together when my knuckles met his jaw. Grabbing onto his shoulders I pulled him into a headlock and he attempted to drive a knee into my gut, but I turned in time.

“You worthless piece of shit,” Minho spat, shoving me away by driving an elbow into my side, sending me stumbling backward. The look in his eyes was maddening. I was an angry person, my father was an angry person. I’ve seen the demon come alive in more ways than one. When you grow up with a father like mine, you’re conditioned to be able to pick out the monsters in this world. 

He swung at me and I ducked, then all of a sudden Chan appeared, slinging an arm around Minho’s chest. They shared words, Minho shouted at him, I couldn’t process it.

That look. His eyes. It was terrifying.

I couldn’t breathe.

Minho knocked Chan away with just his hips, and he lunged for me.

Dancing around him, I heaved a breath and threw a fist at him, right into his jaw for the second time, throwing off his next move. His head was thrown backward, sideways.

“Hyunjin!”

Felix’s voice.

Hands met my back, then left. Then, they came back.

Whenever I wasn’t engaged with the beast in front of me, Felix’s hands were holding onto me.

Minho was still going. 

He was still sizing me up, on attack. He watched me. He eyed me down. Wasn’t going to let him hurt me anymore. Was going to show him I could fight back. I was stronger than I was at twelve. 

“Stop.” Felix’s voice got through to me again. “You don’t have to do this, Hyunjin, stop!”

Blinking, I glanced to my right, and he was there, distraught. He was upset.

I couldn’t keep my eyes off him for too long, he’d strike while I wasn’t paying attention, and God knew how easy it was for me to not pay attention. He’s only told me again and again.

Minho came toward me, his knee finally meeting my gut, and before I could think, I had my hand across his face, and another fist in his teeth. Both of his hands grabbed onto my neck and paralyzed me in place. Squeezing me with utmost force, I gasped, my chin tipping up further as he held me tighter. It was as if he was trying to lift me off the ground.

Shouting.

There was shouting.

Screams, too, like high pitched screams, but they didn’t last for too long.

Everything was gone when I opened my eyes.

On my back in the middle of Haven, surrounded by peoples whispers, I couldn’t feel much. It was all blurry. Felix held me, my head laying in his lap where he sat with his legs stretched out on the floor. Changbin was on the other side of me, at least I could hear his voice. He was saying something to another familiar voice… Dina.

“Hyunjin,” Felix whispered, laying over me, pressing his lips to my forehead. “Look at me, look up at me.”

Jeongin was by my feet, standing up. He was facing the crowd of people that flocked, trying to scope out the scene. With the occasional look back at Felix, Changbin and I, he waved people off. He was protecting me.

“Felix, let me,” Seungmin’s voice said from somewhere behind my vision. I assumed he was near Felix because he appeared at my side, opposite Changbin. Felix sat up, his hands splaying over my chest. 

Taking my chin in his hands, Seungmin moved one hand down to check my pulse, then he pulled at my eyes gently with his thumbs and studied my consciousness. “Can you hear me, Hyunjin?” I pushed a hum from my chest. “Can you tell me you hear me?”

My jaw trembled as I opened it. “I can hear you.” 

The words hurt. It came out in a whisper, but it hurt.

Nausea filled my being.

“You were out for eighty six seconds,” Seungmin said. “You’re going to feel fucking awful. Don’t move.” He took his hand to my wrist, pressing a thumb into my skin. “Dina, we’re okay,” he turned his head to shout, the sound piercing my ears.

Curly blonde hair appeared next to Jeongin, her worried eyes watching me, wide and afraid. “Are you sure?” Seungmin nodded, reassuring her with a look. “Fuckin’ hell.” She glanced at the bystanders still around and threw her hands in front of her. “What the fuck do y’all think this is?! Get out!”

The lights were on, and the music had stopped. When? I have no idea.

I was out for eighty six seconds. My throat burned, my head throbbing so bad I wished the lights would shut off.

“Home,” I managed to whisper, successfully curling my fingers after attempting to get them to move. Felix’s hands slid up to my shoulders, his touch soft.

“We will,” he said, leaning over me to kiss my temple. “We’ll go home. When Seungmin says we can go, we’ll go.”

I was able to move my hands entirely, then seconds later I could lift my arms, though when I did they fell straight to my stomach. I had no strength.

Seungmin, who allowed me to try to move, tilted his chin. “You’re not gonna like it if you keep doing that,” he warned. “This one’s probably going to have to carry you out of here.” He nodded at Changbin.

“Not the first time I’ve had to do that,” he smiled at me. “You’re a nut,” he said, his smile shifting into one of concern. “I’ve seen you hold your own, I know you’re good in a fight, but no one can against that bastard.”

Squinting, I shifted my jaw side to side, pain starting to manifest there. “He won,” I whispered.

Changbin scoffed, sharing a look with Seungmin and Felix. “He choked you out, bro. He fights dirty. You got him pretty good, but he wasn’t losing this one.” Putting a hand over one of mine, he lowered his brows. “Are you okay?”

Three simple words that’d sound normal to anyone else.

A funny question to ask someone after they’d been choked unconscious for eighty six seconds.

But, I knew what he meant.

Trying to swallow, a groan came out of my chest. Feeling a tear roll from my eye, down my cheek, Felix brushed it away with his thumb. I tried to look at him, but I couldn’t move my head without feeling like I’d vomit. Sharing in Changbin’s knowing gaze, I blinked and whispered, “No.”

haven masterlist ✧ talk to me ✧ thank you for reading <3

you do not have permission to copy or translate my works without my consent.

[monalovesstarsz]

Maybe we could

Genre: Non idol au and idk what else to say 😭

Pairings: Shy sick sunghoonxchronic illness shy y/n (I clearly don't know how to do this)

Summary: Y/n starts to spend a lot of time in a hospital due to her health and its super lonely until she meets sunghoon and they agree to try their best to live as regular teens.

Warnings: uhh I'm not totally sure but illnesses, thoughts of death, hospitals, depression, mentions of death (probably)

Not proof read 🙈

Chapter 2

"Uhm uh-Hi Sunghoon!"

'shit' you mentally cursed. You have never met him ever but you just said you just said his name. Why would you say his name oh my gosh!!! No way no way you had just messed up so hard. Had he known you had been following him all this time? No right? You're thoughts were interrupted by his voice

"Uhm hi it seems like you were struggling with that ?" His index finger pointed to your wheelchair. You knew he was tall but this was the first time you saw him standing up. He had always he sitting in his chair. As bad as it sounds you didn't think he could walk.

"Ohh yeah I um haven't really mastered how to use a wheelchair, My nurse wants me to learn how to use one on my own but I'm kinda tired so" you ended your sentence with a shrug.

"Ohh I can take you back to your room if you want." He smiled awkwardly again.

"Oh no you don't have to it's okay!!"

"No it's fine I insist"

"Okay thanks."

"So uh how did you know my name?"

So close. You were so close to your room. You almost made it before he had asked that question. Quick come up with something and excuse anything!

"Oh I-uh I well.. Oh! Giselle is my nurse and she something about mentioned you!!" Not smooth at all but it was okay he seemed like he believed you.

"Ohh she was one of my nurses but what did she say?"

'shit'

"Oh uhm she said that you and I were alike because we're both shy!" Not smooth once again but he believed you once again.

"Oh she told you that? I guess I can be sorta shy sometimes."

After he said that you guys had made it to your room.

"Uhm thanks for taking me back to my room oh and sorry for bumping into you earlier."

"Yeah it was no problem I don't have much to do anyway, and don't worry about earlier I couldn't get it at first either. Oh and I never asked your name?"

"Oh I'm y/n! And uh if you're as bored as me would you like to hangout with me in my room?" You don't know how you got the balls to ask him that but you did and you didn't question it. If he rejected your hangout you would switch hospitals for sure though.

"Yes I would like that haha" he showed off his smile and this time it wasn't an awkward one.

"So how old are you? You don't look older any older than me?" Asked sunghoon after sitting on the couch that was attached to the wall under your window.

"mhm? Oh I turned 16 this this year what about you?"

"Ohh we're both 16! But I'm about to turn 17 so I'm your elder." He giggled and teased you.

"Yeah yeah but we're the same age so it doesn't really count" you shrugged

"I'm still your elder though so yes it does."

"Okay fine" you said while you teasingly rolled your eyes

"If you want I can try to teach you how to maneuver a wheelchair. I didn't get it at first either and it gets pretty tiring."

"Oh yeah you should please I really need it."

"I could tell."

You shove him jokingly and rolled around in your wheelchair.

"I can drive it but I just can't turn that well."

"Oh that's tricky but I can show you how to later."

"deal!"

"How long have you been here Y/n?"

"Ohh it's been about three or four weeks, but I'm supposed to stay for awhile. What about you?" You saw sunghoons eyes gleamed as you said that.

"Oh I've been here for about almost 7 years. I moved here from south Korea when I was about 10 years old"

"mmm so you've been here for awhile then"

"yeah but back then I wasn't always spending most of my time here.I was a figure skater and im pretty good at it too!"

"Wowww an actual figure skater? Ive never met one before!! That's literally so cool dude you have to teach me some time!"

"Okay okay sure bro" he said the last word teasingly and you couldn't help but let a little laugh out.

"But only if you teach me how to draw as well as you." You figured he had seen your drawing book that was on your bed and the page was flipped onto your last drawing which was of two butterflies flying around together.

"Okay sure dude!" You had emphasized the last word.

You guys talked for two whole hours after that and about the most random things. You guys shared a lot in common but we're two completely different people. After that you heard a knock on your door

"Come in." You yelled quietly.

Gisellse walked in with a tray of really really bad hospital food.

"Hey Y/n it's time for dinner- Oh Heyy sunghoon!" She winked at you. 'Finally' she thought

"Oh yeah it's already 6" You said kinda sad knowing sunghoon would have to leave soon

"Oh I should probably get going now but remember our deal okay?"

"Yeah I will! I'll walk you to the elevator then."

"Hey y/n you know what Mr.lee said. You have to use your wheelchair,try to get used to it." Gisellse mostly said that so she could see you two interact. She was so curious about it. She honestly thought you two would be great friends but you both would be super duper awkward at least at first. Oh boy was she wrong. You both kinda clicked I mean it was kinda awkward at times but both of you didn't mind.

"We should hangout tomorrow again then" Sunghoon said excitedly walking into the elevator while Giselle wheeled you right in front of the elevator.

"Oh then where should we meet and what time?"

"Mhmm what about 2:30?" He said while opening your rooms door. He had a mischievous look on his face. Odd

"Sure but where?"

"I think you already know where I'll be around 2:30 you follow me like everyday y/n." He said it with a mischievous smirk as the elevator doors were about to close.

"WHAT??" You and Giselle in perfect unison.

w⁠(⁠°⁠ｏ⁠°⁠)⁠w

[oftlunarialmoon]

But I’m WEIRD! (3 Ways to Work on Accepting Yourself)

Ciao lovelies! Have you ever felt “weird”? What about “out-of-place,” or maybe unaccepted for who you are? Do you ever hide your true self or feel the need to be “Someone else”? Do you have lower self-esteem and trouble accepting who you are? If any of these are true for you, I’m writing to you today.

I have lots of issues with self-esteem and self-acceptance. Often, I label my actions as weird or “Not normal.” I feel like an outsider with every group, except my closest friends. In many interactions with others I hide who I really am or I try to “act normal.” Key aspects of my personality get hidden so I can seem more “cool” or “normal.” But this just becomes a vicious cycle. Have an interaction and “act normal,” then I end up over-analyzing and thinking that I’m not “normal” enough, then I criticize myself for what I did, then in the next interaction, I’m trying harder to “act normal”…. And the cycle repeats.

Does this cycle seem familiar to you?

Many people worldwide suffer from low self-esteem, and lack of self-acceptance. Accepting yourself for who you are can be hard. It requires a lot of self-reflection, and even therapy. It’s a bumpy road and it’s not easy to travel.

Today I want to talk about some ways you can start your self-acceptance journey. The ways I’ll be talking about today are affirmations, recognizing and correcting negative ruminations, and, lastly, recognizing the difference between constructive critique and harmful insults.

DISCLAIMER

** DISCLAIMER:  I am not a mental health professional and all things mentioned in this post come from personal experience or things I learned in classes. Please note that I am not the expert on these topics and cannot “Fix” what you are experiencing personally. **

AFFIRMATIONS

First, let’s talk affirmations. How often do you self-affirm? Answer this honestly. How many times per day do you praise yourself, for things you’ve done well, or maybe just think something kind about yourself (that’s NOT reactionary, meaning you think these kind things about yourself without being forced to).

If I’m answering honestly, I do not self-affirm very often. I can’t even say that I do it more than once a day, if that. This is a big issue and contributor to my lack of self-esteem. How can I have self-esteem if I’m not even cheering myself on?

When I say that you should self-affirm, I’m not saying that you have to constantly think that you’re the best thing ever. I’m not saying that you should think that you can “do-no-wrong” sort of thing.

When I refer to “Affirmations,” it’s easiest to start fairly small. A very good way to start is to find at least one thing about your physicality that you like. This can be anything from your eye color, to the way your nose is shaped, to the way your teeth look when you smile. Anything at all, just find one thing that you like about your physical self.

Then, bump it up. You may want to take this one day at a time, if this is uncomfortable for you. Here is the plan I want to accomplish this week, you may like this, or you may want to change it for you.

My Affirmations Plan for this Week:

Monday: Affirm one aspect of my physical appearance.

Tuesday: Affirm one aspect of my physical appearance and one aspect of my personality.

Wednesday: Work on criticizing myself less today. If I catch myself criticizing, replace with a statement reflecting what I did right along with what I can work on.

Thursday: Affirm two aspects of my personality.

Friday: Reflect, at the end of the day, on two or three things I did well that day.

Saturday: Affirm one aspect of my personality, one aspect of my physical appearance and recognize one thing I did right today.

Sunday: Affirm one aspect of my personality, one aspect of my physical appearance and recognize 4 things I did right this week.

These don’t sound too bad to me and I feel that this is a good place to start.

RECOGNIZING AND CORRECTING NEGATIVE RUMINATIONS

Now let’s talk about recognizing and correcting negative ruminations.  Let’s start by defining Ruminations.

What does it mean to “Ruminate?” According to Merriam-Webster, to ruminate is to “go over in the mind repeatedly.” Not all ruminations (things that you constantly run through your head) are negative. But in the case of low self-esteem, negative ruminations attribute to keeping your self-perception negative.

Why is it important to recognize negative ruminations? Let’s say you have an interaction, which should have been a fairly casual one. Say you said hello to a friend, but they didn’t say hello back. A higher self-esteemed person would think “maybe they didn’t see me,” but a lower self-esteemed person would run through the situation in their head over and over, overthinking it, thinking of everything they did wrong, or every reason why the friend might’ve “ignored” them- even if none of those reasons were accurate. 

If you could recognize that you were in the midst of a negative rumination cycle, you could work to stop it.  Something you could try is correcting the negative mindset. Take the example given above. If you were negatively ruminating about that interaction, and thinking “I bet they hate me now,” how could you correct that thought? I would remind myself that “maybe they didn’t see me,” or provide context “they have been busy lately, maybe they weren’t able to stop and chat.” By correcting the negative rumination cycle, I prevent myself from constantly staying in a negative mindset, and hopefully provide a positive baseline for any future interactions like that one.

CONSTRUCTIVE vs HATEFUL

Lastly, let’s talk about how to recognize the difference between constructive critique and purposeful insults. If you’re wondering why this topic is in this post, I think it’s very relevant to how self-esteem works. Those with lower self-esteem seem to be more likely to take even helpful critique as insult, because they feel that nobody likes them. Therefore, I felt it was good to have this reminder in this post.

The ways I separate constructive criticism and insult in general are on 2 baselines: was it intended to hurt me, and does it help me to gain this knowledge? What I mean by this is going to be highlighted in the example below.

Let’s say a friend has noticed me saying something that is inappropriate, but I don’t know that it is inappropriate. That friend then brings me aside and informs me that what I said is inappropriate. They are not intending to hurt my feelings, and it’s helpful for me to learn this. This would be constructive criticism/critique.

Here is another example. Let’s say a troll online comments anonymously that “WOW ur face is soo ugly” or something like that. Was it intended to hurt me? Yes. Does it help me in any way to gain this “knowledge”? No. Therefore, that is an insult.

Knowing how to determine between the two is great because if you know it’s an insult, you can sort of…what’s the phrase I’m looking for…. Let it roll off your back. This can be hard to do if you have low self-esteem, but now you know that insults are intended to hurt you, which means usually they’re untrue and intended only to hurt, and are based in the speaker’s own bias/feelings. Knowing the untrue nature of insults can help them ease off your shoulders.

OVERALL

Overall, the point I want to make in this post is that it’s okay to be who you are, and I know that journey can be really hard. But you’re not alone in making it. 

[mysterious-moonstruck-musings]

Destiny & Deliverance Chapter 3

Destiny & Deliverance Masterlist ||| Dieter Bravo X OFC

SUPPORT YOUR CREATORS. REBLOGGING & COMMENTS ARE APPRECIATED.

Series Rating: Explicit (18+)

Series Summary: Natalia Cohen is experiencing major life changes, beginning with leaving an emotionally abusive husband. She is learning how to navigate life on her own while dealing with high functioning anxiety, depression, and mild PTSD. Everything is looking up for her. She is a highly respected consultant for a major LA firm, has her best friend, Lauren, by her side, and is on her path to healing. Everything changes when she meets a handsome and broken stranger on a work trip. He turns out to be a well-known actor, with a heart-breaking past. They quickly develop a connection that will forever alter their lives. 

Warnings: Themes dealing with mental health, emotional trauma, alcohol use, and discussions about suicide. There will be fluff, tears, spicy language, and smut. This will be a slow burn type of story. Read at your own risk.

Chapter Quote: “I felt like he was literally changing my brain chemistry by this point and I didn’t even care."

The next morning, I awoke to the faint sound of an alarm going off, but it wasn’t mine. I looked at the clock. It was an hour before I needed to be awake. I groaned and put a pillow over my head. Apparently, my neighbor was an early riser. After 20 minutes, the alarm went off again. No, my neighbor was definitely hitting the snooze button. I sighed and got up to take a shower. I guessed this is how my day was going to go.

I took my time getting ready. I did my makeup, dried my hair, and straightened it so that it would lay flat. Then, I pulled it back into an ornate low bun. Lastly, I got dressed in my business attire and double checked that I had everything I needed for the day in my leather tote bag. 

At 6:50, I made my way down to the main entrance. When the elevator doors opened, I started to walk out just as someone came sliding in, bumping into me. I looked up to apologize and locked eyes with Dieter. He looked adorably flustered. “Hey... good morning,” I said and smiled at him as I continued to step out of the elevator.

“Sorry to bump into you like that. I forgot my phone and I’m running late. I guess I’m the fucking disaster today!” He laughed as he pressed the button for his floor. The doors closed while I stood there for a moment, a little stunned. That was unexpected and probably the last thing I needed this morning. What if I keep running into him like this? That’s a distraction I do not need. 

When I walked outside a few minutes early, I quickly spotted Joe parked on the curb. As I approached, he gave me a sincere smile and said “Good Morning.” He opened the door and handed me a coffee and a small bag that he was holding. I looked at the side of the coffee cup. It was my usual order from my favorite coffee chain. I looked up at him, perplexed. “How did you know my order?” Joe let out a small laugh. “Ms. Aubrey shared it with Mr. Carrington,” he replied. “I got you a blueberry scone too.”

“If you keep spoiling me like this, you may not be able to get rid of me once this week is over,” I quipped as I got into the back seat with a smile on my face. 

After Joe closed the door, I saw Dieter run out of the building and get into a vehicle that was parked a few spaces in front of us. He still looked flustered. I hoped to myself that his day didn’t go badly. I knew he was probably a ball of nerves. 

Twenty minutes later, I was finishing my scone as we pulled up in front of a large skyscraper. A petite blonde met me when I exited the vehicle. She reached out her hand to introduce herself, “Hi Ms. Cohen, I’m Megan. I’ll be assisting you this week,” she said with a tight smile as she shook my hand. Then she handed me my security badge. “Please, just call me Talia,” I said as I put the badge around my neck. She shook her head nervously in agreement. I briefly wondered what she had been told about me because she looked terrified.

I glanced over at her while we were walking through the main entrance and asked, “Is there anything I should know about any of these guys before I get thrown in with the wolves?” She looked taken aback by my question. “What do you mean?” She asked with a full deer in headlights look. I sniggered at her.  

“I mean are they all pretty receptive to this review, or no?”

“As far as I know they are, but I mainly only work directly with Mr. Carrington. I’m his assistant.” 

“Wow, the big boss gave up his assistant for me? I AM getting spoiled.” 

Megan let out a laugh, then stopped herself. She had that deer in headlights look again. 

“You can laugh. It was meant to be funny. I’ve got jokes and sarcasm galore. Relax and enjoy. It should be an interesting experience,” I said with a smirk. 

She smiled back. “Well, that’s not what I was expecting. They made you out to be kind of scary. I mean, I can see where the intimidation comes from, but I wasn’t expecting humor or sarcasm.” 

Her face shifted, realizing what she had just said. I gave her a brilliant smile in return and said, “You keep talking like that and we might be best friends before this week is over. Please don’t be afraid to share your thoughts or commentary. I promise I won't bite. Too hard anyway.” We both chuckled as we reached the security check. They allowed us to walk through without being stopped. 

“Do they always do that? Allow people through without checking?” I asked.

“It depends on who it is and who they’re with. They typically don’t check the senior level folks.” I nodded, making a mental note to add that to my list when I got a chance. 

We got on the elevator and began ascending to one of the upper floors. Megan led me to a large conference room where six gentlemen sat chatting at a large executive style table. The man sitting at the head of the table stood and walked over to shake my hand. It was Ethan Carrington. He was tall and had sort of a 1990’s Pierce Brosnan look about him. At least the view would be good I thought. He introduced me to everyone. It was all of the senior partners and the head of the IT department. 

We sat down and had several minutes of small talk. All the while, I was watching each of them. Trying to figure out what I should expect based on their behavior. As usual, the head of the IT department, Sam, seemed annoyed. I had a feeling that he didn't want his methods scrutinized and he wasn’t going to take constructive criticism very well. Typical. 

Then my eyes landed on the CFO, Jay Brooks. He was watching me intently. Honestly, it made me a little uncomfortable. Something was off about him. He had an arrogant air to him that was unsettling. His ice blue eyes were unreadable as he observed the room. 

Jay eventually spoke up and got straight to business, “So Ms. Cohen, have you had a chance to review all of the documentation that we provided in advance?”

I paused a minute before responding. Attempting to read his expression. I could feel my heart rate picking up from the anxiety I was feeling, but it was time for my poker face. I gave a small smile, attempting to exude confidence. I could feel my jaw tighten before I responded, “Yes, Mr. Brooks, I have. Multiple times in fact.” 

“And what is your assessment thus far? Are we up to your standards?” 

He said it with nonchalance, but he was testing me. I wasn’t sure what he was expecting. In my periphery, I could see Mr. Carrington looking back and forth between us. He was intrigued by the exchange just as much as I was.  

“Overall, things seem pretty standard, from my basic understanding. Some areas won’t need much if any attention. I would, however, like to spend some time focusing on systems and data security. I would also like to review your on-premises data center and take a closer look at your backup procedures. I feel like the financial processes may need a thorough review as well. For security purposes, of course.” I gave him a reassuring, or possibly sarcastic smile as I leaned back into my seat. I couldn’t be sure which.    

I noticed out of the corner of my eye that Mr. Carrington had a small smirk as he watched Mr. Brooks slowly nod to my response. Mr. Brooks’ jaw twitched ever so slightly, but it was enough for me to notice. He narrowed his eyes and replied as he tried to appear relaxed and unconcerned, “Well, it certainly looks like you have big plans then. Please let me know what I can do to help in my area.”

Mr. Carrington took that moment to speak up, “Well, Ms. Cohen, Aubrey mentioned that you’ll have your plans for the week set based on your preliminary review. So, you just let me know what you need, and I will see to it. And to everyone else here, I want to make it clear that she has full clearance for anything she asks for. If she asks for it, you are to provide it without question. This message should be passed on to your staff as well. Are we understood?”

Everyone shook their heads in agreement. All their faces were void of emotion, giving nothing away at that proclamation. 

“Now that that’s covered, Ms. Cohen, what is the plan for today?” Mr. Carrington asked.

“Today, I plan to mostly observe. It’s possible I may ask the staff questions as I spend time in each of the areas. In the meantime, I have a list of document requests that I would like to be able to review, starting tomorrow.” 

I passed copies of the list down to be shared around the table. They began looking down the list.

“This is a lot of data. I don’t see how you could possibly review it all in such a short time.” Mr. Brooks said as he was looking through it.

He continued, “I mean, you want six years of detailed financial data, an endless list of audit reports for all our software… I don’t understand how that information is going to help your review. An accountant has already looked at a lot of this information and didn’t see any issues.” 

I took a moment to think through my reply. I was calculated with my words. I didn’t want to make it obvious that I was looking for something specific. I leaned forward slightly, making sure to control my breathing. A picture of composure even though I felt like my chest was about to explode from my racing heart. I could hear the blood pumping in my ears. 

“I will not be using this information in the same way as an accountant. I am not running numbers for financial inconsistencies. It will help for data check purposes. I plan to compare data on each of the servers for discrepancies, data tampering, unintentional alterations… Those types of things. It will help alert us to any possible security breaches, for example. Of course, the more documentation you have that isn’t linked to software outputs, the better. I’ll take all the comparables you can provide. As far as time goes, my computer will do a lot of the work for me.” 

Mr. Brooks attempted to appear relaxed as he listened, but I felt like he was beginning to tense up some. Perhaps there was something here that needed attention after all. I just had to figure out the puzzle. 

The meeting concluded after that. I spent the remainder of my morning walking through several areas, observing, asking questions, and taking notes. During lunch, which was delivered, I got a head start on reviewing some of the reports I had requested. So far nothing was jumping out at me. The afternoon was more of the same. I was clearly going to have to think outside the box on this one or maybe I just hadn’t hit my “ah ha” moment yet. 

At 5 PM, I pulled out my phone to check it before I started packing up. I had a text from Lauren.

LAUREN: Your man is supposed to be on one of those late night shows tonight. You should take a break and watch it. (wink emoji)

I stared at the text for a minute. I felt butterflies forming in my stomach. Why? This was so ridiculous. I scoffed and shoved my phone back in my bag. I wasn’t even going to bother to respond.  Surprisingly, I hadn’t really thought about Dieter all day. Keeping busy was clearly a good distraction from that mess. That’s probably a good thing. This means I wouldn’t have to worry about running into him at the hotel this evening. Hopefully. Or were those things pre-recorded? I didn’t even know. I rolled my eyes at myself and continued to pack up my things. 

I walked toward Mr. Carrington’s office to let them know I was heading out. Megan met me at the door and asked what my plans were for tomorrow. 

“It will most likely be about the same as today. Wednesday, I plan to review a lot of the data in detail and start running some things on my computer. It would be nice if I had a fairly large space to spread out and access to a printer if possible. I would like access to that space limited to me, you, and Mr. Carrington if possible. That’s when things are going to start getting interesting.” I said with a smile. 

Megan smiled back and nodded, “that shouldn’t be a problem. I’ll get all that lined up for you. Do you have a lunch preference for tomorrow? Also, I think Mr. Carrington wants to have lunch with you on Wednesday, just to catch up and see where you are on things.”

“Thank you. I appreciate that. I don’t really. I’m not very picky. Surprise me and please tell Mr. Carrington I look forward to it. I will see you all bright and early,” I said as I walked toward the exit.” 

Joe met me out front. He asked if I needed to go anywhere before returning to the hotel. I didn’t. It took about 35 minutes to get back to the hotel at this time of day. It was nearly 6 PM by the time I walked into the main entrance. I decided to stop in at the restaurant for dinner before I headed back to my room. I managed to get the large, curved corner booth in the back, which gave me a nice view of the whole restaurant and the lobby entrance. While I waited, I started looking through some of the reports that were provided later this afternoon. 

The bartender came over and took my order. I opted for an appetizer night. I decided I would just keep snacking until I was finished for the evening. I asked for a glass of wine and for him to refill until I told him to stop. I warned him that I might be here for a while. He laughed loudly and said he didn’t mind the company because it was usually pretty dead on most weeknights.

As I sat there, I kept getting distracted by people going in and out of the hotel entrance. I realized that I was subconsciously hoping that I might see Dieter again. I snapped my eyes shut and shook my head to clear it as I looked back down at my computer. I needed to put that out of my mind. 

About three hours into my work and wine binge, I was again distracted by movement at the entrance. It was him. He had a hat on again and looked tired. He was accompanied by two women and was looking at his phone while they waited for the elevator. That was all I needed to see. I rolled my eyes and went back to work. I felt a little disheartened, but really, what else should I have expected? 

Forty-Five minutes passed when the elevator door opened again and caught my attention. The two women exited first. One was carrying a garment bag and men’s dress shoes. The other was carrying some sort of large square case. Dieter slowly walked out behind them and stopped. He looked like he was texting on his phone. He had changed into dark dress pants, a light blue button up dress shirt, and had a dark tie loosely hanging around his neck. His hair was styled and gelled. He was still sporting the light scruff on his chin and black rimmed glasses. I noticed he was still wearing his sneakers. Aside from the sneakers, he looked absolutely amazing. I could feel my heart rate picking up as I noted that the glasses looked entirely too good on him. 

He looked up from his phone and began looking around. I assume for the two women he was with. I quickly looked down at my computer, but I could still slightly see him from the corner of my eye. He looked in my direction and paused. He saw me. His head jerked toward the front entrance. One of the girls had come back in for him. He quickly walked toward her and left. 

I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding. I really needed to get it together. I had never had this type of reaction to someone before. He was like a magnet, and I was completely drawn to him against my will. 

I finished off my latest glass of wine. I thought about the two women. They looked like they were possibly his assistants or stylist, maybe? Potentially a non-issue, I thought. He did stop and look toward me. I had gotten his attention. I stopped myself there. That was a brazen and presumptive thought that I should not be having. My imagination was running away from me. It had to be the alcohol again. 

I eventually decided to call it a night. I gathered up my things and told Tim the bartender goodnight. I had a feeling Tim, and I were going to be good friends this week. 

When I got back to my suite, my phone pinged. It was Lauren again.

LAUREN: It starts soon. Are you going to watch it? 

ME: Absolutely not. I am going to bed. It’s late. 

LAUREN: Party pooper. 

I sent her the middle finger emoji and said goodnight. Then, I changed into my pajamas and crawled into bed. I turned on the TV and of course it was already on the channel he was supposed to be on. I held up the remote to change the channel and hesitated. I took a deep breath and said “fuck it” out loud to myself. For the first time in who knows how long, I was about to watch a celebrity on TV and have a fangirl moment. I felt like he was literally changing my brain chemistry by this point and I didn’t even care. 

He was the last guest for the evening. When they introduced him, he came out dancing to the music and waving to the audience. He could dance well and looked hot as hell doing it. 

I noticed he had changed into the dress shoes I saw the woman carrying and added a plaid blazer to his outfit. While he chatted with the host, he seemed confident and was oozing with charisma. His smile and playful personality was infectious. The audience was going crazy for him. 

As he was listening to the host talk, he would slowly rub the arm of the chair. Alternating between the fabric and slick piece of wood on the front of the arm. I wondered if this was some sort of grounding technique he used to keep his anxiety in check. I found myself doing the same thing sometimes when I felt overwhelmed. He eventually set his arm up on the host’s desk and started feeling along the grooved edges of the desk as he talked. This was definitely a nervous habit for him. I felt my chest tighten like before. I know that feeling and I hated that he was having to experience it on national television. That had to be awful. 

His interview only lasted about ten minutes. He mostly just talked about his new movie. Nothing earth shattering. As soon as he was finished, I turned the TV off and went to bed. It was another restless night as the visual of him rubbing the chair arm kept running through my mind. The thoughts were borderline indecent, but then I quickly scolded myself because I knew the reason he was doing it. It took some time, but I did eventually drift off to sleep. 

A/N: Lots of Dieter next chapter and rather hilarious revelations. Next Chapter

[callmewrinkles3]

Bestie would you write a mini drabble about poor Daniel getting hurt? I'm so sad for him and the fact he said it was either he crashed into Oscar or the wall and Daniel ended up getting hurt either way :(

(Also hated that Oscar crashed too bc I do have a growing soft spot for him)

So Alex is in work right now, but…y’all don’t know how much we’ve been talking about this. So have a drabble.

—

Em was in the garage when it happened.

She was sitting in the back with Blake, watching the feed show a Red Bull going around the track when the garage buzzed to life and the red flag alert went out. But this was different.

Dan’s side were crowded around one of the screens as she saw a stricken McLaren and an Alpha Tauri car on the banking. It didn’t take any time for her to spot the helmet and know it was her husband who’d crashed.

“Blake?”

“He’s gonna be fine, it’s Dan.”

But she watched the Marshall raise his arm in the injury symbol, Dan put into the medical car as he held his arm and she knew. She just knew. Instead of panicking Em had to keep her face straight and watch as he was taken away, noticing a camera focusing on her. If she broke she’d be worldwide. So she just kept her attention on the screen and her hand on her bump as she waited for activity to happen again.

Finally the session restarted and she looked at Blake who was frowning, the two of them able to have a moment.

“They want to take him to the injury clinic for a scan. There might be a broken bone.”

“Might be?” The fear gripped her.

“Dan’s pretty sure it is, the doctors think it might be a sprain. It’s his fifth metacarpal on his left hand.”

A broken laugh bubbles out of her. “It took me eight weeks to recover.”

“I love you Timmy but you were dealing with your mental health, struggling to eat, and decided to not get surgery because we were worried about what would happen if you were kept in hospital in Austin. He’s gonna be fine. We need to grab his phone, you need to call your in laws, and we need to get to the medical centre.”

She let Blake go to get Dan’s phone while she called Grace and Joe, the call picking up after less than one ring.

“Emmy?”

“Hey Mum. I haven’t talked to him yet but he’s gonna be ok. Maybe something on his hand, but we’re not sure. Taking him to a minor injury clinic to be sure.”

“How’re you and Lulu doing?” Hearing Grace’s tone made her relax, the tears wanting to escape.

“We’re good. She’s enjoying kicking my bladder. Once I know anything I’ll let you know, ok? The doctors aren’t sure and I can’t fully talk.” There were random journalists around, Lawrence from F1TV giving her a nod and a smile as he passed. She trusted him to not blab anything - god knew he and Nate had been given enough heads up on stuff by Blake - but she didn’t know. She had to be calm and have her game face on.

“We’ll book a flight, just let us know. We love you.” “Love you kiddo, make sure he doesn’t hurt himself worse!” She could hear Joe interject.

“I will. Love you too.”

Blake came down and looked at her, taking her demeanour in.

“You ok?”

“I have to be. Any news?”

“He’s got a sling. The doctors aren’t sure but he’s pretty convinced. Apparently his little finger looks like yours did. Scotty already texted me the phone number of Lance’s surgeon, he can get Dan in tomorrow if he’s needed.”

“So to the hospital and then see what happens?”

She stood up straight and stretched, going down the ramp. She just needed to see her husband and work out what was going to happen.