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lilyevanstan1325 · 11 months ago

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❤️ Built For This World ❤️

Chapter 8

I don't think I'll ever get used to a man like Daryl.

And I'm not just talking about his physical appearance, which damn is absolutely fantastic, but about him as a man.

His personality.

His strong, authoritarian nature.

Every gesture, every word that comes from this man exudes a power capable of putting me in awe, sending my brain into a tailspin.

The first lights of this dawn dimly illuminate his profile.

From the moment I reopened my eyes I couldn't take them off his face even for a moment.

His features are relaxed, soft, beautiful.

His strong arms are folded behind his head, a few strands of hair falling lazily across his forehead.

A light and adorable snore comes from his slightly parted lips, his chest rises gently, his breathing slow and steady.

Daryl Dixon sleeping is a sight to be enjoyed.

I sigh dreamily.

Is there anything this man doesn't do excellently?

I curl further into myself, hands clasped under my cheek and knees pressed against my stomach.

I enjoy this little show that I'm sure is something no one else can boast of having seen.

When I wake up the sky was still dark and my head was still resting on his chest, the scent of him in my nostrils was so strong it made my eyes roll.

I gently moved away from his body, ignoring the voice in my head that instead invited me to decrease the space between us even further.

I just had the burning desire to wrap my arms around him and bury my face in his neck.

But I listened to that little part of my self-control.

And now here I am.

Crouched in a corner enjoying this wonder.

Daryl moves slightly.

Instinctively I move away a little more.

I don't want to make him uncomfortable.

Even though he himself invited me to spend the night in his tent, I fear the moment he wakes up.

Why?

I don't even know why.

Maybe I'm just afraid that the night might have led him to change his mind about me.

About us.

I pinch my bottom lip between my teeth.

I still want to kiss him.

But him?

What about him.

His fluctuating mood is the thing that destabilizes me the most, we practically went from not looking at each other to sleeping hugged in the same tent.

Thinking back to yesterday...

God!

Yesterday more than once we got dangerously close to each other and more than once everything's came to nothing.

What if today he doesn't want it anymore?

If I close my eyes I can still feel his hands squeezing my hips, his breath on my heated lips.

His scent.

God.

I would let those strong, calloused hands do anything to me, I would let his thick fingers explore every millimeter of my scorching skin.

I squeeze my legs tightly, the fire burning between them seems to consume me mercilessly.

I whimper lightly, pathetically.

I sink my teeth into the back of my hand to try to quell my own pleasure.

Can I burn with passion for a man I just met?

This isn't me.

I'm not like that.

I have never been so passionate.

So eager.

So needy.

And this new part of me scares me.

It scares me because I shouldn't feel certain emotions, not now that the only goal of our life is to survive.

I return my gaze to the archer's face.

His very relaxed features soothe my agitated soul.

I could stay hours, days, maybe even years, still like this with him sweetly sleeping at my side.

“Take a picture, it'll last longer” his still sleeping voice whispers.

I gasp violently, blushing.

“What?” I squeak, letting my hair slide in front of my face, trying to hide my growing embarrassment, immediately interrupting all my unchaste thoughts.

Daryl turns his face slightly towards me as his body moves into the same position as mine.

His long legs come closer to mine while he bends one arm to support his head while the other hand comes closer to my face and pushes away my unruly locks with his fingertips.

His blue eyes now alert and attentive have a relaxed look.

“Yer starin’.’S creepy”

A veil of slyness is hidden in his drawl.

He's making fun of me.

He's trying to embarrass me.

I torture my lower lip between my teeth, tormenting it.

“Don't do tha’ or ya'll ruin those pretty lips” he murmurs, bringing his thumb to my lip, freeing it from the torture of my teeth.

My breath gets stuck in my throat.

His gesture sends the part of my brain capable of formulating meaningful sentences into total blackout.

Actually my entire brain.

Trying to hide the passion that this man arouses in me, I decide to respond to his provocations with a little audacity.

“I wasn't staring at you.I was admiring you” I wink.

My lips rub gently on his digit still pressed to my lips.

“Stop” he grumbles, blushing too.

Well.

His own game is turning against him.

I smile satisfied, amused by the blush that spreads across his face as I watch him roll onto his back, his arms crossed over his chest and his gaze fixed on the ceiling of the tent.

He seems to tense up, I can feel the tension radiating from his body like waves.

The temptation to touch him is too strong.

Simply too much.

I move closer to him, carefully sliding my hand along his pecs and then back up towards his hair.

Daryl turns his face towards me, his gaze uncertain and his body rigid, almost scared like a cornered animal.

He acts like he expects to get hit every time my hands come near him.

The thought that a human being can be so little related to contact makes me sad.

I have always been used to being hugged, to being loved but for him it is as if all this were unknown.

It's all new to him.

I smile shyly trying to reassure him, trying to make him understand that the one thing I would never do is hurt him.

I push my hand into his hair, digging my fingers into the messy locks and smoothing them down.

A shaky sigh escapes his lips then his body relaxes and his eyes close.

With a little more courage than I had a few minutes ago I approach him, resting my head on his hard bicep.

The archer's muscular arm moves to make room for me so that I can rest my head right next to the junction of his neck and his clavicle.

My hand abandons his hair to move towards his neck, stroking the soft skin behind his ear and finally finding a place on the nape of his neck where my nails scratch his scalp languidly.

Without shame I take a deep breath.

“You smell good” I murmur although more than a murmur the words come out of my lips like a soft moan.

The man's body stiffens again but this time it is different.

His attitude seems to have another nuance.

It's not fear.

It's more like he's trying to tame something bigger.

“Do I make you nervous?” I whisper with my lips pressed to the base of his neck unable to stop.

This sweet torture intoxicates me.

It's unstoppable.

I propping myself up on my elbow and keeping my eyes fixed on Daryl's I move closer to his face leaving a light trail of small kisses along his jawline.

Slowly.

Slowly enough to give him all the time he needed to pull back but that doesn't happen.

Daryl turns his entire body towards me, his arms wrapping around my waist pulling me against his body, his fingers playing on my lower back.

“Watch out, pretty eyes.Ya be careful wha’ ya wish fer”

His low drawl makes me blush.

His voice, still thick with sleep, awakens all my senses.

“You know big boy, I think you have a crush on me”

I wink, curling up against his chest to hide the blush that slowly and inexorably spreads across my face.

A light laugh resonates in his large chest, making the strings of my soul vibrate.

“Ya think?” the archer teases me by letting his long fingers run along my spine.

I nod, nuzzling my head against his neck, my lips finding his chin where they leave a little peck.

“You call me pretty eyes, pretty lips...so…”

He let out a hmph sound.

And I find it adorable.

I giggle as I move away from his body or at least I try because his strong, muscular arms keep me anchored to him.

I barely lift my face in search of his eyes and I find them already staring at me with an intensity that makes me breathless.

Everything is so easy with him.

All so natural.

Where's the catch?

Am I really ready to let him enter in my heart?

But in the end do I still have the time to choose?

Maybe...maybe I'm already in too deep and if he decides to smash my heart into a thousand pieces I'm sure I'd let him do it.

I'm willing to suffer even to have a little piece of him.

“Yer right.Ya pretty little thing, ya look so delicate but I know ya not like tha’.Oh no, ya ain't as sweet and delicate as ya would like to let me believe”

Daryl whispers barely brushing my lips with his.

His attentive gaze is studying me and his words crush my heart.

He is right.

I'm not like that or rather there was a time when I was delicate but it's been a really long time ago.

I had to replace sweetness with strength.

I had to replace the desire for love with the desire to survive.

Now I'm stronger, tougher and more cautious with people.

Distrust has become my dearest friend.

I hid my true nature behind a stronger, stoic demeanor.

A mask that this man seems determined to destroy and I'm ready to let him do it.

“If I let ya in…”

Daryl inhales deeply taking a moment to reflect on his own words before continuing.

“How dangerous are ya, Summer?”

His question makes my blood run cold.

I am not dangerous but my past, my history, is.

And a lot too.

I stammer something incomprehensible under my breath, moving away from his grasp, escaping his now suspicious gaze. Pushing my hands against his chest I give myself a gentle push and roll onto my back to put an end to whatever was about to happen.

I sit there unable to say anything.

Unable to answer his simple question.

Basically he doesn't know anything about me and before getting involved it's right that he wants to know.

But what about me?

Am I willing to answer him?

I already know my answer.

And fuck, this hurts for a million different reasons.

Behind me I can hear the rustling of the sleeping bag under the archer's movements.

His hand rests delicately on my back, making me tremble.

“Tell me who ya are, sunshine”

His short plea is muffled by his lips on my shoulder.

Very cautiously Daryl approaches me, sitting right in front of me, welcoming my figure between his long legs.

The soles of his boots resting firmly on the ground, legs raised and strong arms resting on his knees, his hands lazily caressing my biceps.

Small shivers blossom where his fingers pass.

I feel infinitely small locked in the prison of his body.

I bring my knees to my chest, wrapping them in my arms and risking a glance in his direction.

“Wha’ are ya runnin’ from?”

This is the final blow.

I only have two options.

Lie.

Lying like I learned to do.

Or I could tell him the truth.

Tell him why I'm running away.

What I'm running from.

Who I'm running from.

A sad smile caresses my lips.

Daryl cocks his head slightly to the side, his narrowed gaze busy studying my reaction.

Ready to grasp every little nuance.

I look down at the tips of my boots.

“Do you think it is possible to escape from our past?” I whisper.

The sound of my voice drowned only by the deafening beat of my heart thundering in my ears.

“If I told you I was running away from myself would you believe me, Daryl?”

The man's large hand makes space on my face, finding the perfect fit in the hollow of my neck.

His thumb is a light caress on my cold skin.

His head tilts further in search of my elusive gaze.

“Good luck with this.I've been doin’ this shit my whole damn life”

His words catch my attention like a moth attracted to the light.

His blue gaze, like crystalline water, seems to darken, behind it a veil made of ancient memories and pain.

His past also seems to haunt him.

“It doesn't work, does it?” I smile defeated.

I don't know why this makes me sad, after all I am aware of the fact that it ain't possible to escape from our demons, from our mistakes, yet I always hope that it's possible...

“Listen to me” Daryl whispers, moving a little closer.

Our faces are really so close that I feel like I'm running out of oxygen in my lungs.

“Ya can run, ya can run fer yer whole life.Ya can run fer miles but yer past is here” he murmurs, touching my left temple with the tip of his index finger.

“And here” he whispers, moving his finger towards the center of my chest, pointing it right at my heart.

“Yer past will forever be a part of ya.Yer past is what has shaped the woman ya're today”

His hands gently wrap around my face caressing me as if I were made of crystal.

As if he was afraid he would break me if he held me tighter.

“I dunno anythin’ ’bout tha’ past and I don't give a shit.Do ya know wha’ I see instead?”

His southern accent sweetly envelops my every thought, making my mouth go dry.

My fingers timidly find his wrists, wrapping around them with desperate need.

I cling to him, to his words, as if they were my only hold.

Daryl is the only thing keeping me afloat in this sea of pain right now.

“What do you see?”

Daryl licks his lips.

And then he smiles.

And the world stops.

His face looks infinitely younger.

It's as if all his pain, all my pain, just disappeared.

Nothing exists anymore.

Just me and him.

“I see a strong woman, a woman who defied death to find something else.I see a brave woman, a woman who isn't afraid to take on an asshole like Shane.I see a loyal friend, a friend who puts aside her own shit to help Carol.Summer ya so many beautiful things tha’…God!It pisses me off tha’ ya don't see it”

With my eyes wide open and my heart racing, I don't even realize what happens immediately afterwards.

Daryl's lips crash against mine.

His firm grip on my face is fuel on the fire.

The violence of the contact only fuels the fire inside me.

I get up, kneeling and bringing my body closer to his, our chests pressing against each other with so much vehemence that if it were possible I would melt and merge into him.

My arms wrap around his neck, my hands dive into his soft locks, pulling them hard.

A pathetic moan leaves my lips and Daryl takes the opportunity to slide his velvety tongue between them.

I moan louder in response.

Despite the fervor of the kiss, Daryl's tongue moves shyly as if all of a sudden he isn't so sure anymore.

As if he were embarrassed by his own passion for me.

We both don't know what we're doing and where all this will take us but we can't help but surrender to our needs.

Because yeah, what we feel is need.

A physical need, the need to soothe our pain.

The corrosive need to no longer be alone.

I soften my grip on his hair by sliding my fingers along the back of his neck, giving him sweet caresses with my fingers.

I move my lips delicately caressing his tongue with mine.

Kissing Daryl is like downing a shot of tequila in one gulp.

It burns every sense and goes straight to the brain clouding every thought, every fear, every inhibition.

Kissing Daryl is losing yourself in the oblivion of pleasure.

Suddenly the kiss ends and when my eyelids flicker again, the first thing that strikes me is the man's bewildered look.

He seems intimidated, almost scared.

I tremble as I lower my gaze, suddenly struck by a thousand anxieties.

His strong hands move down my sides and then cling tightly to my feverish skin, his forehead rests delicately against mine.

“It was so bad?” he tries to lighten me up noticing the tension in my body.

I just shake my head with a shy smile.

“Not that bad, big boy” I whisper, seeking his lips again, kissing him once more.

A light and quick kiss.

With my fingers I continue to absentmindedly caress the back of his neck, enjoying this little moment of haze.

Daryl looks thoughtful as his intelligent, attentive eyes probe my face.

“Listen to me, sunshine.If ya don't wan’ to talk ’bout it that's fine but don't give me bullshit.No lies.I hate lies”

Daryl is trusting me and I know I don't want to disappoint him, I can't do it for the simple fact that I would never forgive myself.

I know it's an effort for him too to trust me and I can't betray him.

“There was a man” I whisper, moving my hands towards his chest, holding onto his shirt.

Talking about Negan always hurts.

My cold fingers grip the fabric of his shirt almost angrily as my heart pumps furiously.

“I ran away from him, from his men…I couldn't stay any longer.I don't want to lie to you” I whisper under my breath, looking for his gaze.

The archer looks at me seriously and imperturbably.

“I don't want to lie to you but…but I don't feel like talking about it.Not now.Do you understand that?”

My anxiety is so powerful that I can't hold his gaze for a moment longer so I bury my face in his chest while his arms close around me giving me the comfort I crave.

One day, when I'm ready, I'll talk about him.

I'll tell Daryl everything.

But not now.

Now I need to find myself again.

I just need to find my balance again.

Because the only person I ever lost and need back is me.

Daryl's steady heartbeat helps me regain some self-control.

His silence gives me time to compose myself.

We remain still in our embrace until he pulls away just enough to find my eyes again.

“Did he hurt ya?”

His simple question hides an anger so visceral it scares me.

Even though he has always been sweet and delicate with me, Daryl is a strong, feral man and I am sure that anyone could only tremble in terror if they faced a man like him.

In response I simply shake my head.

Negan never physically hurt me but the pain he inflicted on my soul and heart was pure torture.

That man destroyed my heart and my soul and if he had also inflicted physical pain on me I would have almost welcomed it with open arms to no longer feel that pain inside me.

Daryl inhales deeply.

“Ya safe now and will be as long as I have the strength to protect ya.I will never let him get close to ya.Never again” he whispers.

My heart flutters at his promise.

And then, before I could even think he kiss me again.

This time with more confidence, with more awareness.

He kiss me so hard that I might consider the idea that my lips might become bruised.

And honestly I'm not complaining one bit.

The feeling of his lips on mine makes me arch my back in ecstasy.

I let out a sigh, which I didn't mean to sound so much like a moan, but the archer's lips curl up against my lips.

He seems satisfied and he leans back to give me another smile.

I return a smile resignedly, aware of not being able to control the reactions of my own body in his presence.

Not that he seems to be complaining about it.

“Are you mad at me?”

The archer tilts his head slightly to the side, shocked by my question.

“Wha’?Why should I be mad at ya?”

His tone seems almost amused.

I shrug.

“I do not know.Because I don't want to talk about…”

Daryl cuts me off immediately by crashing his lips against mine, pressing them so hard that I bend backwards until my back hits the hard ground.

I watch him as he leans towards me, placing his hands on the sides of my head.

“Ya don't even have to think ’bout it, sunshine.Ya talk when ya ready and if ya never be ready it'll be fine anyway, alrigh’?”

I nod, smiling and pinching my bottom lip between my teeth.

My hands grab the scruff of his shirt pulling him towards my lips but before I can deepen the kiss a voice makes us jump.

“I hope you're not naked because I already have too much trauma.I don't need to see your ass too, pookie”

I can't resist the laughter that forcefully bursts from my lips.

Carol enters the tent with a hand covering her eyes and a toothy smile.

Daryl huffs, letting his head fall forward.

Still shaking from laughter, I press my hands on the man's chest, pushing him away from me and sitting back down.

“C'mon Carol.Don't worry, we're already done” I smile, pushing my foot towards her boot.

The archer lies down on the sleeping bag, rolling onto his back and then sitting up.

“So…pookie?Really?” I ask amused laughing again followed by Carol’s laughter and another adorable snort from the man in question.

“Stop.Both of you” Daryl grumbles, focusing his icy gaze on both of us.

At first glance he might seem angry but the tips of his ears deliciously red make me understand that he is just terribly embarrassed.

Carol laughs as she sits next to me.

“Why?Doesn't it suit him?” the woman teases him, eyeing the man on the verge of embarrassment.

“Stop” he grumbles again, crossing his arms over his chest and avoiding our amused looks.

“Oh Carol, don't be mean” I scold her affectionately, putting my arm around her shoulders.

“Do you need something?” I ask her.

I can't stop smiling.

And it hits me.

I haven't felt so relaxed, so comfortable in a long time.

These people I just met managed to bring some calm back to my wounded heart.

I will never be able to thank them enough, not even if I lived a thousand more lives.

Subconsciously these people did more than they were supposed to do.

“Yeah.Breakfast is ready.You need to eat.Both of you need it”

My stomach growls loudly at her words.

I forgot the last time I ate.

Between Shane's mess, Sophia's search and the accident I lost track of time and my needs.

“You almost died, both of you.Now you have the duty to get back on your feet.Let's go” continues the woman, standing up and leaving the tent.

“I'll give you five minutes.Hurry up!” she yells before walking away.

I smile again shaking my head.

I have to get used to feelings like kindness and receiving care and attention from others again.

When I look for Daryl I find him staring at me.

His eyes, blue as the ocean, shine with a light I have never seen in them.

His lips are curved in a small smile.

“What's up?” I ask, embarrassed by his insistent gaze.

The archer shrugs.

“Uhu nothin’.Yer really pretty when ya smile.Ya should do this more often”

His half-hearted compliment awakens a sweet warmth in the center of my chest.

This grumpy and unfriendly man is truly adorable.

I scoop near him pressing a light peck on his beautiful lips.

“The same goes for you.You're really beautiful when you smile, pookie” I murmur bringing my lips to his again.

Daryl huffs but doesn't reject the kiss.

I smile against his lips.

“I think it suits you.On the outside you're grumpy like a bear but on the inside you're really soft” I tease him and without giving him time to reply I quickly kiss him again and leave the tent and head towards the camp where everyone else is.

The first to notice me is Shane.

The man stands slightly apart from the others.

He glances at me briefly and then returns his attention to the plate in his hands.

Strangely, his gaze wasn't full of hate as it often is when it's directed at me.

Maybe, since I got shot less than 48 hours ago, he decided to cut me some slack.

Good.

Carol smiles at me and tilts her head towards a chair.

I sit down smiling at the rest of the people.

Rick, Lori and Carl are sitting together enjoying their breakfast.

As soon as Carl sees me he gives me a shy smile which I return with a wink, the boy laughs in amusement attracting his mother's attention.

Lori nods her head a little.

I think she still feels embarrassed about what she asked me to do but the fact that she finally talked about it with her husband seems to have made her relax a bit.

Rick watches her, his crystal clear eyes are an ocean of fear and confusion.

At the moment Lori seems to be fine and mentally I breathe a sigh of relief.

I feel so fucking guilty for getting her those damn pills.

I really hope that the little one is okay.

T-Dog is helping Carol by the fire.

It looks like they are cooking eggs.

Great.

My stomach rumbles again as their delicious scent reaches my nostrils making my mouth salivate.

Andrea is sitting in front of me busy smoothing the large blade of a hunting knife, her sister Amy, sitting next to her, is also observing her carefully, waiting to receive her food ration.

Glenn and Dale are next to each other and both exchange weird looks.

Glenn, unlike other days, seems particularly tense.

Nervous I dare say.

He shifts his weight from one foot to the other uncomfortably, casting a fleeting glance towards the porch of the Green house from where Maggie is watching us.

Her expression is too serious.

Maybe the two lovebirds had some spats.

Who knows.

My thoughts are interrupted by heavy footsteps.

And I don't need to turn around to understand who they belong to.

Daryl's scent reaches me before his hand gently rests on my shoulder.

“Take it.It's cold today” the man mutters, handing me a blue checked flannel shirt.

One of his shirts.

My heart jumps into my throat and begins to beat in a completely irregular way.

I actually didn't pay much attention to the weather when I left the archer's tent.

Today the gray sky is covered with large clouds and a light wind makes me shiver.

My t-shirt is certainly not appropriate.

Daryl sits down next to me, giving me a brief smile.

I blush as I slip my arms into his shirt, a shirt that is full of his intoxicating scent.

“Oh wow!This shirt has sleeves.I didn't think you had one" I whisper teasing him and getting an adorable amused snort from him in response.

“Thanks” I whisper with my cheeks still burning, resting my head on his shoulder for a moment.

“’S nothin’ ” he shrugs giving me a gentle shove with his elbow.

Our little exchange of effusions ends when Glenn clears his throat a couple of times.

I observe him carefully while he walks back and forth with an agitated pace.

What happens?

It's not like him to behave like this.

Glenn is always sunny, always with that sweet smile on his face, but this morning he is different.

His eyes are surrounded by the hint of dark circles as if he's had little sleep and his lips are curled into a serious line.

Something's wrong, I can feel it under my skin.

“Um, guys” he mutters, nervously running a hand over his chin.

My eyes immediately search Daryl's.

The man returns my gaze with his equally worried look.

He too realized that there is something strange in the delivery boy's attitude.

We both turn our fullest attention to him.

“So…theburnisfullofwalkers” he snorts in one breath.

Immediately ten heads snap towards the barn.

Ten pairs of wide, disbelieving eyes turn their attention back to Glenn.

I feel panic gripping my guts as in a completely involuntary gesture my hand goes to squeeze the forearm of the man next to me.

My eyes full of terror are reflected in the archer's incredulous ones.

His hand gently squeezes my fingers which are unconsciously squeezing his arm.

Unceremoniously Rick and Shane are the first to quickly walk towards the barn.

Everyone else follows them.

Everyone except me.

I feel as if my legs are paralyzed, a general tremor radiates along my limbs.

“C'mom sunshine, everythin’ will be fine” Daryl urges me.

I turn towards his voice and find him standing next to me, my hand still tight on his arm.

My nails are digging little half-moons shapes into his tanned skin.

As soon as I realize this I immediately withdraw my hand, bringing it to my lap and muttering an apology under my breath, my eyes lowered to my knees.

Daryl kneels, bringing his face level with mine, his hands are a delicate caress on my thighs.

From the knee they slowly move up along them and then repeat the same reassuring movement over and over again.

“Hey!Will everythin’ be good, alrigh’?C'mere” he whispers, bringing his face close to mine and kissing me lightly on the lips.

I feel the blush arise from my neck to the tips of my ears.

I look around nervously and then return my attention to the man kneeling in front of me.

“Daryl!Someone might see us!” I squeak in panic.

Daryl huffs in response, standing up and holding out his hand.

I look at his large, calloused fingers and with a trembling hand I accept his hold.

“I don't give a damn ’bout others.Do ya care?” he asks without looking me in the eyes.

Our fingers intertwine and together we walk towards the barn from where we can already hear the agitated voices of the others carried by the wind.

Before we can reach the others I stop, yanking the archer's hand who, looking at me furtively, stops.

“I don't care about others either” I smile shyly.

And it's the truth.

I could never be ashamed of him.

His gesture definitely took me by surprise, I must admit, and for a moment I feared what others might think.

My arrival has already caused several problems and tribulations in the group and I wouldn't want my closeness with the handsome archer to be a further reason for arguments between him and Shane.

“Good” Daryl grunts and I could swear I saw him blush as we start walking again with a determined pace.

I beam at his back while I can't take my eyes off our fingers locked together.

Rick and Shane are facing each other while the latter points a finger at his friend's chest.

“You cannot tell me you're all right with this” Shane hisses out.

Rick's gaze hardens.

“No, I'm not, but we're guests here.This isn't our land" replies the officer.

The sharp tone of his voice seems to make Shane even more angry.

The man takes a few steps away, bringing his hand to his face and rubbing it nervously.

“Oh God.This is our lives, man” he shouts.

From the barn, increasingly insistent moans and growls follow one another.

“Lower your voice” I invite them, pressing me close to Daryl.

The hotter things get, the more the walkers seem to get agitated.

Shane gives me a mean glare but, perhaps seeing me clinging to Daryl's arm, he decides not to say anything to me and simply shakes his head.

I exchange a quick glance with Glenn.

Anxiety seems to be eating him up.

Andrea lovingly wraps her arm around her sister's shoulders, as if she wanted to protect her from what's in that damned barn.

“We can't just sweep this under the rug” the woman vehemently explains her opinion, immediately earning a hint of approval from Shane who immediately after her adds “It ain't right.Not remotely”

Then he starts walking back and forth again.

His body radiates nervousness from every pore, making me more and more nervous.

Next to me Carl squirmed slightly, hiding behind his mother.

Lori grabs her boy's hand and tries to silently comfort him.

“We either got to go in there, we got to do things right, or we just got to go.Now we have been talking about Fort Benning for a long time” Shane says confidently but his words clash with the determined frown of his best friend.

Shit.

Would they really want to leave this place?

What if the group decided to head towards Washington?

I can't even think about it...

I squeeze the archer's fingers tighter and his gaze immediately falls on me.

I think he sees the panic all over my face because, reciprocating my grip around my trembling fingers, he whispers “Don't worry.We found a way”

I nod, chewing the inside of my cheeks until I taste the coppery taste of my blood.

What a fucked up situation!

Why would Hersel keep all these walkers imprisoned?

Does he not realize the risk he places his own daughters in?

“We can't go” Rick barks, gesturing nervously.

Of course he can't.

His wife is pregnant and leaves like this blindly without a real and safe destination is unthinkable.

“Why Rick?Why?” Shane shouts with his eyes almost bulging.

But before anyone can respond Carol advances with a determined step alongside Rick and facing Shane.

“Because my daughter is still out there”

Her eyes are full of tears.

How could we ever leave this place without first finding Sophia?

It is an absolutely impossible option to take into consideration.

Unthinkable.

Shane scoffs by burying his face in his hands.

His reaction activates every cell in my body.

I am fully aware that if Shane says the wrong words I will lose my mind.

“Okay, okay” Shane murmurs, moving closer to Carol.

In a completely automatic gesture I let go of Daryl's hand to move closer to Carol.

“Okay” the man sighs “Okay, I think it's time that we all start to just consider the other possibility”

“Fuck you Shane!We're not leaving Sophia behind.We're so close” I snap, pressing my hands forcefully on his hard chest, making him move back just a few steps.

Daryl approaches immediately trying to calm things down but now it's open war between me and that piece of shit of Shane.

I put my hands on my hips, daring him to respond to my words.

He snorts in response, rolling his eyes.

“Daryl and I found his doll two days ago”

The man chuckles sarcastically at my words.

“You found her doll.That's what you did.You found a damn doll.You almost died for a fucking doll.Do you understand, kid?” he yells a few inches from my face sending shivers down my spine.

I feel myself being grabbed violently by the arm and before I can understand what's happening Daryl comes dangerously close, screaming too.

“You don't know wha’ the hell ya talking ’bout”

“Man, look, I'm just saying what needs to be said here” retorts Shane.

I feel like my head is exploding so I decide to take a few steps away, leaving the shouting and arguing behind me.

I'm too nervous and too angry that I really could have hit that idiot if I had stayed there a little longer.

I approach the barn door, peering between the boards.

Inside it, dozens of walkers walk aimlessly, grunting and bumping into each other without any logic.

Something brushes against my shoulder making me jump startling in fear.

When I turn around I have Glenn's tired and heartbroken face in front of me.

“Shit dude.You scare the shit out of me” I scold him with my nerves on edge.

“Sorry” he apologizes, lowering his gaze and digging his hands into the pockets of his jeans.

“It seems like lately whatever I do doesn't work out right”

My friend's words make my heart ache.

“Hey” I call him hugging him.

“It's not your fault.We are all nervous.Sorry”

Glenn returns the hug with much more force than usual, burying his face in my hair.

“I had to say it.Even though I love Maggie, you are my family.I couldn't stay silent.You understand me, don't you?” he murmurs in my ear, continuing to hold me in his arms.

Poor Glenn.

I'm sorry to see him so torn between his love for Maggie and his loyalty to all of us.

“You did what you thought was right.Don't blame yourself.Maggie is a smart woman, she will understand” I try to console him.

Suddenly all hell breaks loose behind us.

I abruptly break the hug in time to see Daryl lunge at Shane.

And it's chaos.

The two are pulled back by several hands, each trying to prevent the two men from being able to hit each other.

Without thinking twice I run into the fray, standing right in front of the archer's body, catching Shane's fist right in my face.

I stagger a few steps, feeling a heat dripping from above my eye.

Grunting, while the screams get louder and more excited around me, I put a hand to my face.

A hand that is immediately tinged with a bright crimson shade.

Fuck!

I stagger a few steps, tripping over my own feet and ending up with my ass on the ground.

“Shit” I cough as my back hits the hard ground.

Immediately afterwards some hands press against my forehead but when I try to rebel a voice immediately silences me.

“It's me.Stay still”

T-Dog's friendly voice reaches my confused brain.

The man takes a rag out of his pants pocket and presses it right to my left eyebrow.

I hiss as the fabric touches my broken skin.

"Don't worry.It's the eyebrow, it's normal for it to bleed a lot.A couple of stitches and you'll be as good as new” he grunts as he takes my weight on himself, passing my arm over his shoulders and helping me stand up.

And even though my vision is blurry and I'm currently seeing double I can paint the picture of the situation in front of me.

Rick's arms are wrapped around Daryl's torso as Glenn tries to help calm him down.

Lori protects her little boy with her body, an action that Andrea is also carrying out towards her little sister.

Shane's chest rises and falls rapidly, his body shaking with uncontainable anger.

Carol and Dale try to bring sanity back to the group but they're all too busy yelling at each other to realize it.

“Would you take me to Hersel?” I ask, receiving a nod from T-Dog in response.

I'm too tired and too confused right now to deal with them.

With limping steps we finally manage to reach the porch of the large white house.

A thoughtful Maggie is sitting on the steps and as soon as she notices us and the state of my face she reaches us with a couple of quick strides.

Without saying a word she takes us inside going to call her father.

It's just Hersel and I in the big bedroom.

The man began to sew up my wound without asking any questions.

I think they heard the screams all the way inside the house and Hersel is a smart man.

He knows that we know.

I hiss a little every time the needle digs into my skin.

I wouldn't have minded a little anesthetic.

Or a glass of scotch.

“You don't have anything to tell me?”

His question doesn't surprise me.

The calmness with which he asked it to me makes me understand that it is not the first time that he has addressed this discussion with someone.

And thinking about the reactions of each of us to the discovery of what the barn contains, I can say with absolute certainty that the only one who knew besides Glenn was Dale.

And I'm also pretty sure that the latter has already spoken to the kind vet to ask him for explanations.

I shrug, trying to appear as relaxed and indifferent as possible.

“I have nothing to tell you.This is your house so your rules.The thing I don't understand is how a man of your intelligence doesn't understand the danger of this crazy choice"

Hersel continues his work without answering me.

His blue eyes are fixed on his hands as he expertly sews me up.

I sigh.

Rick is right.

This place doesn't belong to us but we can't leave either.

Not without Sophia.

Not with Lori in this condition.

“Well since you have nothing to say I'll do the talking” I step forward.

Hersel doesn't look me in the eye but nods slightly giving me permission to express my opinion.

“What you're doing is dangerous Hersel.Those things...having them so close won't lead to anything good”

“Those things" the vet promptly replies “are human beings.They're just sick people”

My face contorts into a grimace of confusion.

“Hersel…you don't see things clearly”

It's absurd.

I swear this is the last thing I ever expected to come out of his mouth.

The man applies gauze to my wound and then turns his back on me to rinse his hands in a small basin of water.

“I need you and your group gone by the end of the week”

His words hit me like a slap, making me flounder in confusion.

I stand up behind him, hug my midsection with my arms to try to hold together all the pieces that threaten to fall apart at the idea of finding myself on the road again.

Back in that hell.

“You and I have our differences with the way we look at the walkers.Those…those people, they may be dead, they may be alive, but those people” I say vehemently, pointing with my hand to the field outside the window “Us…us, we are alive right now, right here, right in front of you.You sand us out there and that could change”

Hersel leaves the room without answering me but I can't let him so I follow him.

The man reaches the kitchen, positioning himself in front of the sink, his hands tightly grasping the edge of it.

“I've given you safe harbor.My conscience is clear” he says.

I stand next to the man looking for his gaze.

Meanwhile Rick appears on the doorstep.

I was sure he would come but now I can't let him interrupt us so I stop him with a hard gesture of my hand.

Rick doesn't say a word, remaining motionless on the doorstep, his eyes tired and his pale face.

“This farm…this farm is special” I continue looking for the vet's gaze.

“You've been shielded from what's been going on out there.Maggie tells me that you saw everything happen on the news.Well, it's been a long time since the cameras stopped rolling”

Hersel continues to keep his gaze down trying to move away from me again.

My hand gripping his arm tightly prevents him from doing so.

“Hersel what the world is out there isn't what you saw on TV.Is it much much worse, and it changes you.I know it.What I saw out there, the people I met out there…God!You can't imagine how lucky you are to have met a man like Rick and his people.If you had met my group…just know that you would have wished for death Hersel”

Both men's eyes snap in my direction.

The weight of my words crushes me.

I knew the truth would come out but I didn't imagine that their looks would hurt me so much.

I look at Rick with a million apologies etched in my eyes.

He trusted me and I should have told him the truth first.

But now it's too late.

Now my goal is to convince Hersel to let the group stay and if I have to leave I will be ready to face the weight of the consequences of my choices.

“Please do not…do not send us out of there again” I murmur in a faint voice, now defeated, returning my attention to the only man who currently has the power to choose which direction our lives will take.

Hersel seems closed in his silence, convinced of his decisions.

So with shoulders hunched and head down I walk towards Rick.

When I'm about to walk past him and leave him alone with Hersel, he gently grabs my hand and squeezes it in his, forcing me to stop.

In his gesture there is no anger but a tacit thanks for having exposed myself on the behalf of everyone.

My eyes, dilated with amazement, look for the officer's but he isn't paying me the slightest attention.

He and Hersel are looking at each other, eye to eye, so intensely that I almost believe they are communicating telepathically.

“My wife's pregnant”

Rick suddenly begins, earning a look of pure amazement from the man in front of us.

“That's either a gift here or a death sentence out there.If we were to stay, we could help you with the work, with securing this place.We can survive together”

Rick's words make me shiver.

We can survive.

We can really do it.

This baby will be a blessing I'm sure.

Now everything is in Hersel's hands.

He will decide our fate.

“You can't stay” was his only response.

Rick stiffens and seems ready to retort forcefully, I can feel it in the way his fingers tighten around mine but before he can open his mouth I tug on his arm telling him to be quiet.

“Just think about it, okay?” I ask him politely, dragging Rick away with me out of the kitchen and then out of the house.

As soon as we go out onto the porch I am literally overwhelmed by Daryl's arms.

His arms wrap around my neck, pressing my head against his rocky chest.

The stitches on my eyebrow pull uncomfortably.

I hiss, immediately attracting the attention of the man who lets me go but immediately brings his hands to the side of my face, cupping it gently.

“Ya good?” he asks, studying my wound as if he could understand its extent from under the white bandage.

I nod, smiling faintly.

The argument with Hersel drained every ounce of energy I had.

Rick clears his throat, placing his hands on his hips.

His gaze flies towards the barn, towards Shane.

“I'm going to talk to him”

His worried look doesn't escape that of the archer who goes back and forth between Rick and me.

Our state of mind is certainly perceivable even from miles away.

Daryl lets go of my face and sits on the porch steps, clapping a hand next to him, a clear invitation to take the seat next to him.

I sit down, getting as close as possible and the man, understands my intentions, my needs, lift his arm and welcomes me into his gentle embrace.

“Wha’ happened in there?” he asks.

My gaze goes towards the barn, towards the two men who are arguing heatedly.

I'm more than convinced that Shane won't take Hersel's decision well.

I return my gaze to the archer's worried one.

I look down at my hands clasped in my lap, a lump in my throat preventing me from breathing.

What will we do if we really have to abandon this place?

“Hey sunshine”

“Hersel wants us to leave” I whisper trembling.

Daryl tightens his grip around my shoulders, pressing his lips to my temple.

“How will we do?” I whimper, sniffling.

A thousand fears cloud my heart.

The walkers.

The cold of the imminent winter.

Lori and the baby.

How are we going to survive out there?

I barely made it and I was alone.

How will a large group like ours cope with walkers, starvation and cold?

And then there's Sophia, how will we look for her if we have to leave?

Daryl stands up offering me his hand, which I accept as every time without any hesitation.

I let myself be pulled onto him, letting myself be wrapped in his embrace.

This time the man takes infinite caution not to press against my wounded forehead.

"It'll be fine.As long as we're together everythin’ will be fine”

His sweet words echo in my ear pressed against his welcoming chest.

After a few hours everything around us begins to populate.

The sun is now about to set while, wrapped in Daryl's embrace, all the others gather next to us.

And people seem decidedly calmer.

Glenn and Maggie sit on the steps behind us, smiling lovingly at each other.

I was sure they would clarify.

Glenn and I give each other a brief, knowing look.

Both smiling and above all full of confidence in the future.

Daryl is right.

As long as we all stay together everything will be fine.

Together we are strong.

Andrea joins us flanked by T-Dog.

“Do you know what's happening?” asks the latter.

This last question is followed by Andrea's question about where Rick is.

Carol arrives from the other side of the field, joining us at a brisk walk.

I lift one of my arms, inviting her to come closer and holding her against my side.

“Has anyone seen Rick?He went off with Hersel.We were supposed to leave a couple hours ago” Andrea informs us.

“Rick told me he was going out” Carol replies, frightened.

Is it possible that no one knows where Rick is?

What happened to him and Hersel?

“Damn it.Isn't anybody takin’ this seriously?We got us a damn trail” Daryl gets agitated, freeing himself from our embrace and leaving me with Carol.

Heavy footsteps attract our attention.

Shane approaches quickly, on his shoulders I can recognize the bag full of weapons.

“Oh, here we go” Daryl exclaims reaching him.

I look around with a worried look trying to understand what is happening and only meeting other worried and anxious looks.

“What's all this?” asks the archer as soon as the ex-policeman reaches him.

His haunted gaze sweeps all our faces and then settles on Daryl again.

“You with me, man?” he asks him, pressing a rifle into his hands.

The two men stare at each other intently, warily.

“Do you want to keep your woman safe?” Shane asks, moving his hard gaze to me and then back to the man in front of him.

Daryl's fleeting gaze falls on mine, an indecipherable feeling in his beautiful blue eyes.

I shake my head imperceptibly trying to make him understand how bad this all is but his need to protect me is too strong so looking down with a silent apology he nods in Shane's direction.

“I'm with you, man”

So with a heart full of fear I can't do anything to stop them.

Shane is making a mistake and I can't stop him, especially if I don't even have Daryl's support.

Shane continues to gather support by handing out weapons to anyone who accepts.

Someone perplexed by the speed with which the situation could degenerate tries to respond.

“Look, it was one thing sitting around here picking daisies when we thought this place was supposed to be safe.But now we know it ain't” Shane speaks with agitation.

Being in charge of these people again seems to fill him with new energy.

He approaches Glenn handing him a rifle.

“How about you, man?Are you going to protect yours?” he asks him.

Glenn exchanges a fleeting glance with Maggie, his gaze full of displeasure but in the end he accepts the weapon that is given to him.

“That’s it” Shane replies, puffing out his chest proudly.

“Can you shoot?”

“Can you stop?” I interrupt him, trying to make him think for once.

I cannot stand still and helplessly witness the destruction of this group.

“Shane please listen to me.I know you don't like me but please try to think about it.If we do this Hersel will make us leave tonight.Please”

The man looks at me seriously, nervously running his hand all over his face, then grabs another rifle and forces it into my hands.

“What about you, huh?Do you really want to show that you care about being part of us?Join us.Protect us”

I don't have time to reply as Carl advances towards Shane.

“We have to stay, Shane”

A breathless Lori comes out from inside the house.

“What is this?” she asks nervously, focusing her dark eyes on the man.

The latter ignores her by answering Carl's statement.

“We ain't going anywhere, okay?Now look, Hersel, he's just gotta understand.Okay?He…well, he's gonna have to.Now we need to find Sophia.Am I right?Huh?”

Shane kneels in front of Carl.

How sleazy is this man?

Using Sophia's name just to gain personal advantage.

I feel the bile rising up my throat.

I slowly move closer to Daryl, searching his eyes.

“We can't Daryl.Please”

The archer doesn't even look at me, his stiff fingers tightened around his rifle.

Out of the corner of my eye I see Lori stand in front of her son.

Sighing resignedly to the archer's indifference, I approach to understand what is happening between Shane and Lori but I don't even have time to take a couple of steps when I hear walkers growling in the distance.

“Oh shit!” I exclaim, trying to make sense of what my eyes are seeing.

Rick and Hersel are dragging two walkers towards the barn with two snare poles, the young Jimmy waves his arms in front of them trying to attract the attention of those two monstrous beings.

Shane launches into a frantic race towards the newly arrived group.

We all start running as fast as we can.

“What the hell are you doing?” Shane shouts beside himself with anger.

Rick grunts with difficulty to hold onto the walker.

“Shane, just back off!” he gasps while Hersel groans indignantly at the sight of the weapons in our possession.

And his words do nothing but add fuel to the fire.

Shane moves as if he were in the grip of pure madness.

“Are you kidding me?You see?You see what they're holding onto”

Around us there is total chaos.

I look for Daryl in the crowd and without thinking twice I approach him looking for contact with his body.

The man in response grabs my wrist and moves me behind him.

His grip is nervous.

Shane and Hersel continue to argue, yelling at each other with escalating anger.

Until the ex-cop stops and pulls a gun from his trouser pocket.

“Hey Hersel, man, let me ask you something.Could a living breathing person, could they walk away from this?”

He then fires three shots into the walker's chest.

Each shot resonates in my head, making me grip the archer's shirt tighter and tighter, burying my face between his shoulder blades, my body shaking with shivers.

Shane continues to scream as he fires more shots at the walker.

Until finally I hear one last shot and a surreal silence descends around us.

I move away from Daryl's back.

Shane storms toward the barn.

“Enough risking our lives for a little girl who's gone!Enough living next to a barn full of things that are trying to kill us.Enough.Rick, it ain't like it was before!Now if y'all want to live, if you want to survive, you got to fight for it!I'm talking about fighting right here, right now!”

Now the man is out of control as he spits the words with an uncontrollable fury.

We all watch him helplessly while he grabs an ax and begins to break the lock that separates us from the walkers without stopping even with the repeated screams of everyone else.

For my part, I can't move, Carol next to me has a shocked expression.

My hand lets go my grip on the rifle to wrap around hers trying to give her some courage, the same courage I'm trying to muster for myself with all my might.

The situation has now completely degenerated.

“Shane, man, please don't do that!” Rick shouts, drowned out by the shouts of Lori and Glenn who try in every way to make the man reason but it's all in vain.

Shane grunts with each swing of the ax until the heavy metal lock falls to the ground with a dull thud.

Hersel and Maggie are kneeling in the dust, big tears streaming down their faces.

Patricia and Beth have a mask of terror on their faces.

Daryl and T-Dog raise their weapons in front of them ready to eliminate any threat while Glenn looks petrified, his arms hanging lifelessly at his sides.

Everyone else is simply too stunned to even move a muscle.

Slowly the barn doors open and the walkers begin to emerge from them.

A barrage of bullets hits them and even though the roar of the shots is deafening, the only thing I can hear are the subdued and heartbreaking cries of the Green family.

As I watch the bodies go down I can't help but think that each one was someone important to these poor people.

Dale walks past us with a shocked look and his mouth parted in a grimace of disbelief.

When the last shot rings out in the air, Beth's sobs soar with even more desperation.

Shane turns towards the man who is supposed to be his best friend, the two exchange a silent look full of mutual accusations.

Something has definitely broken between the two men.

The sound of shuffling feet coming from inside the barn captures everyone's attention.

The weapons rise again towards the large wooden doors waiting for the last walker to come out so they can put an end to it all.

After infinite moments a small figure appears.

A little blonde girl, wearing a blue t-shirt with a rainbow on it.

And even though I've never seen her I know who she is.

Without wasting time I forcefully grab the woman's hips, closing my arms in an iron grip around her waist.

Carol's scream is heartbreaking.

“Oh God!Sophia!Sophia…” sobbing Carol as she drops to the dusty ground.

My tear-filled eyes meet the archer's pain-filled ones.

The man drops his weapon on the ground, reaching us with two long strides and kneeling in front of us, he wraps his reassuring arms around both of us.

Unable to be strong enough for Carol I let out a soft cry too overwhelmed by the pain.

“Oh no no, Sophia.Sophia” Carol continues to sob.

I see Rick take a step forward and then another.

And another.

Until he reaches Shane's side.

The former officer puts his hand at his side and takes out his gun from his holster, watching helplessly as the girl advances and growls.

For a moment I can understand Hersel.

Even if the one in front of us is just a soulless monster, in our eyes she will always remain the sweetest Sophia, a sweet innocent soul torn away too soon and too violently from this damned world.

A sob shatters my chest, Daryl's hand immediately finds my face, caressing it with a disarming sweetness.

The click of Rick's gun makes Carol jump, the woman squirms slightly as if she wants to free herself from my grip and that of the archer to run to her little girl.

“Don't look” Daryl whispers in her ear and Carol obediently lowers her gaze, burying her face in his chest.

Horrified, I can't look away from Rick's movements.

I see his arm lift and point the weapon right at Sophia's head.

“Summer?”

Daryl's voice sounds distant, muffled, as if I'm underwater right now.

“Sunshine?Eyes on me”

His sweet command penetrates the bubble of pain in which I was imprisoned.

His head drops, hiding his tormented eyes from me.

And I'm sure he's fighting against his own feelings with all his strength to keep from falling apart, because he feels the visceral need to always show himself strong for the others.

Even though I knew it would happen, the echo of the shot makes me jump violently.

The tears now fall from my eyes without stopping.

“We were so close” I stammer between sobs.

“I know baby.I know” Daryl murmurs in a strangled voice, kissing my forehead and holding me close to him.

God, what are we going to do now?

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lilyevanstan1325 · 11 months ago

Text

❤️ Built For This World ❤️

Chapter 9

My head hurts like a bitch.

My breath rises laboriously down my throat, coming out in trembling sighs from my ajar mouth.

I've been locked in Dale's RV for hours now and I don't plan on going anywhere, not until I'm sure Carol is okay.

Just as I am certain that my friend will never be okay again.

Never again.

A deafening silence surrounds us.

With my arms folded over the small table and my head resting on them I cast yet another worried glance in Daryl's direction.

The man is sitting on the sink counter, right next to the vehicle door.

Our eyes meet for a fraction of a second then he drops his gaze on the rifle he still holds in his arms.

We've been going like this for hours.

It's as if he feels guilty and can't keep his gaze on me, it's as if he fears seeing the disappointment in my eyes towards him because he feels personally responsible for what happened to Sophia.

I can see the anger and the pain eating him up from inside.

Even if only partially, I understand what he is feeling.

Daryl poured his heart into this research and now he feels like all this failure falls on his shoulders.

Sophia's death was a heavy blow for everyone.

Carol continues to sob and with each sob my heart breaks more and more.

Out the window I can see the others at work.

Some are digging holes while the others are moving the bodies.

I bury my face in my crossed arms again.

Old pains inside me seem to awaken, making my guts twist in a painful way.

It's as if in a fraction of a second, in the infinitesimal time that that damned bullet ended Sophia's life, all my demons resurrected from the dark place of my heart where I had buried them.

Even though I didn't have the time to get to know and love that little girl, I feel like I've lost someone important again.

Her death broke another small portion of my heart.

Nothing will be the same.

Carol will never be the same again.

Daryl will never be the same again.

And I know how selfish it is of me to worry about something like this but her death will inevitably change my relationship with these two people.

I feel like I've lost a mother for the second time.

A soft whistle makes me lift my head.

Daryl is looking at me intensely, in his eyes a concern that goes beyond human comprehension, in his eyes there is perhaps too much pain for a single soul.

“Ya good?” he whispers, his voice hoarse, speaking to me for the first time since he joined Carol and me in this RV.

I shrug weakly before immediately returning my attention to the woman in front of me.

Carol sitting on the bed and looking out the window doesn't even seem to notice our presence.

Her gaze is fixed and absent as if her mind is light years away.

And I feel fucking helpless.

Helpless in this such immense pain.

I think back to my mom, I think back to the day I had to say goodbye to her.

The knowledge that I will never see her smile again, that my ears will never again be able to enjoy her sweet laughter, hits me with such violence that it makes me breathless.

I think back to the last time I saw my father, I think back to the fact that I couldn't say goodbye to him...

A wave of tears gathers in my eyes forcing me to hide my face in my arms again.

Trying to hide the sobs shaking my chest, I bite my tongue until it bleeds.

A hand brushes my shoulder and then a strong arm wraps around them and I find myself with my face pressed against the archer's chest.

“Shhhhh.Everythin’ will be fine, sunshine” Daryl whispers in my ear, trying to gently silence my crying.

I feel terribly guilty.

What right do I have to cry?

Who gives me the right to suffer when in front of me I have a woman who has lost her little girl?

I feel like a monster and this only makes my sobs increase.

I try to suffocate them forcefully by burying my face in the man's chest and crumpling the fabric of his shirt between my fingers.

“Hey” he murmurs in a faint strangled voice, also wrapping his other arm around me, drawing me towards his body and taking me into his arms, he makes me sit on his lap.

I'm sorry to make him worry about me too but I can't help but feel happy for his closeness at this moment.

I should be stronger and be the one ready to console but in this moment all I can offer to Carol is just my presence, I can't do more.

I finally look up at Daryl's face who, despite being destroyed by pain, gives me a small smile, just a corner of his lips raised.

“Hey” he repeats cupping my face in his big hands.

“It will be fine.Now we have to be strong, alrigh’?”

I nod imperceptibly before his lips caress mine with such sweetness that it makes me tremble.

A light knock on the door makes us jump while Carol on the other hand doesn't even seem to notice.

After a few moments the door of the RV opens and Lori steps in.

The woman looks exhausted, her swollen and red eyes rest on me for a moment.

She doesn't seem surprised by my closeness to Daryl as she sketches a shy, tired smile in our direction after which she lets out a shaky breath as she lowers her gaze.

“They're ready.Come on” she exhales as if these few simple words had drained her of all energy.

I know what her words mean.

And God only knows how much they hurt.

My attention immediately shifts to Carol.

The woman shakes her head slightly without moving her tormented gaze from the window.

“Why?” she whispers.

Her voice brims with resignation.

Daryl beneath me shifts slightly, tightening his grip on me.

“’Cause that's yer little girl” he replies softly as his worry-filled eyes move to the woman.

Finally Carol's gaze turns towards us and the harshness I see within them scares me.

“That's not my little girl.That's some other…thing” she says, choking on her own words.

Then she lowers her gaze again, looking back at the field outside the RV.

For a moment no one speaks, perhaps too shocked by the cynicism of her words.

I can't understand her.

I didn't see my mother turn into one of those monstrous beings but I'm sure that even if it had happened, I would have wanted to witness her burial.

I would still have given her a last final goodbye.

“My Sophia…” Carol whispers in a breathy voice.

“My Sophia was alone in the woods.All this time I thought…” her words are just a quiet murmur as she fights her own tears.

“She didn't cry herself to sleep.She didn't go hungry.She didn't try to find her way back.Sophia died a long time ago”

I can feel Daryl tense up.

The resigned words of our friend crumbled the man's last bit of self-control.

I can feel the anger, the anger at not being able to find Sophia in time, boiling under his skin and crashing in waves all around him.

Lori, head bowed, steps back out of the RV.

I need to do something so without thinking twice I get up from my little safe haven and join Carol with a couple of determined, almost furious strides.

The man's determined footsteps sound behind me but when I turn around he is no longer there.

All this is definitely too much for him and, rather than bursting out and threw up all his disappointment, he has decided that it is better to let it go.

I stand in front of the woman, my hands resting on my hips and a thousand words that continue to boil into my head.

I breathe in and out slowly trying to calm my heartbeat.

“Carol, you can't be serious” I begin, trying to keep my emotions in check.

Now it's not about me but about her.

And I care enough about her to stop her from doing something I'm sure she'll regret in the future.

The woman doesn't even look at me, her stubborn gaze far from mine.

She shrugs as if to tell me who cares.

Softening my gaze and my posture I sit on the bed next to her tapping my knee on hers.

Slowly and with a sigh she turns in my direction, her large shining eyes making my stomach tighten in a vice.

I don't think I've ever seen so much pain reflected in the eyes of another human being.

Losing someone you love is always painful but losing a daughter...

I don't think there is a greater pain.

No one should ever feel such sorrow.

I lost my mom, my dad, my life...yet I survived.

Yet I still fight.

But Sophia…she was her flesh and blood.

Every breath she takes hurts right now and will do so for every single day she lives.

Even though she will be surrounded by people who love her she will never love anyone else like she loved her sweet little girl.

And it is precisely for this reason that Carol must give her a final goodbye.

“Carol I won't pretend to understand how you feel right now, really.But you have to do it.You have to get out of here and say goodbye to your little girl”

The woman shakes her head, a few tears escape her control sliding down her cheeks.

“Listen to me.That may not be your little girl out there but her spirit is still here.Give her the peace she deserves.Sophia deserves to rest in peace and she will never be able to do so if her mom doesn't let her go”

The words get stuck in my throat but I continue undaunted, even ignoring the woman's sobs which slowly grow in intensity.

I grab her hands and squeeze them in mine.

“You're not alone, Carol.You have Daryl.You have Rick.And Dale, and Lori, and Glenn.We are all here for you.I'm here for you.You have me”

I lift her hands still clasped in mine to kiss her knuckles softly and stop fighting my own tears.

“I am here.I know that nothing will ever fill that void but I'm here.Maybe you don't even care but if you give up...I need you Carol.If you don't say goodbye to your sweet little girl today you will lose yourself...I will lose you”

A sob shakes both of our chests at the same time.

I sniffle, wiping my tears against my own shoulder.

“If it wasn't for you maybe I would still be tied up in that stable or Shane would have already broken my neck.You are all I have left.Please Carol…I've already lost my mom…I can't lose you too”

I know it's sound so fucking selfish.

I know I should think of her best.

But…but I've already lost so much that I don't know if I could get through this too.

By now we are both crying without any restraint.

Both heartbroken but for two completely opposite reasons.

Then through tears and pain Carol nods.

I smile at her weakly through tears.

“I will be with you, step by step.I'll stick so close to your ass that you'll end up hating me.But you will never be alone.Never” I tell her, drawing a light laugh from her which is immediately suffocated by yet another sob from her.

I let go of her hands so I can hug her.

I hold her head against my chest, stroking her hair.

Carol presses her face against me and I let her vent, welcoming all her tears, all her pain, hoping to make it a little mine and lighten this painful load on her soul.

When we arrive near the trees where the holes were dug for Sophia and Hersel's family, there is no one left.

Hesitant Carol approaches the smaller mound of earth, kneeling in front of it.

Without disturbing her, I kneel next to her, stroking her back in a reassuring manner.

Carol lowers her head, sinking her hands into the freshly loose dirt, crying all her tears, giving vent to all her pain.

“It's okay, honey.It's okay” I try to reassure her when the tears seem to take her breath away.

Footsteps come from behind us.

Daryl clears his throat before dropping to one knee alongside Carol.

In his hands he holds a small bouquet of Cherokee roses.

I smile at his sweet gesture.

“Do ya want…”

Carol shakes her head vigorously, interrupting the man.

“Would you do it for me?” she croaks in response.

Daryl doesn't have to be told twice and, standing up, places the flowers on little Sophia's grave with unprecedented delicacy.

When he stands up, his gaze rests on my face for a moment and then immediately lowers it and turns his back on us.

Even though the contact between our eyes was brief, I managed to catch the glimmer of his tears.

Making sure Carol is okay, I get up, brushing the dirt off my knees with my hands and with a hesitant step I approach the man's back, placing a hand on it.

Daryl gasps violently without turning so determined to respect his wishes I don't look for his gaze.

I just hug him from behind, intertwining my fingers on his abdomen.

His chest rises and falls rapidly.

He is crying.

And for the umpteenth time today my heart breaks.

I rest my cheek on his back trying to offer him the only thing I have at the moment.

My love.

Because yes, it may be crazy, but I feel like I feel something for this man that goes far beyond the simple attraction.

Because, surrounded by all this pain, I understood that if I had been the one to lose him, I wouldn't have tolerated it.

Today with the discovery of Sophia's now dead body I clearly understood that I cannot lose him.

“I'm here, big boy.I'm here" I whisper kissing him between his shoulder blades.

In response, his calloused fingers intertwine with mine and his breathing slowly slows, his body relaxes.

Daryl Dixon is all I have and I will always protect him.

I will forever protect his pure and tortured soul.

Behind us, a rustle of clothes followed by a timid voice brings us back to the present.

I slowly release my hands from the archer's and focus on Carol again.

A sad smile flits across her face as she stretches her arms in my direction.

Without having to tell me anything I give her what her eyes are asking me.

I hug her and even though I'm shorter than her I welcome her head against my chest.

Her arms envelop me while her voice, made hoarse by her tears, murmurs a small thank you.

Carol raises her head and waving a hand behind me she whispers “Come here, pookie”

After a few moments, Daryl's chest is pressed against my back.

All three held in one embrace.

All together as a family.

Because now we are a family.

We may not be connected by blood but something much stronger unites us.

We chose each other and we will protect each other as long as we have breath in our bodies.

After making sure Carol was okay, I begged Daryl to never leave her side and to come find me if there were any problems.

“Hey, I can handle her.Go” murmurs the archer, squeezing my upper arm with his hand and after kissing my forehead he moves away and sits a few steps away from Carol who is kneeling again in front of her daughter's tomb.

I really want to stay here and not leave her but I need to go check on Rick.

The desperation painted in his eyes after he pulled the trigger haunts a part of my brain.

His lost gaze wandering aimlessly as it fell on every person gathered around him is seared into my mind.

With a determined step I head towards Hersel's big house.

When my feet touch the first steps of the porch I feel a shiver shake me.

The house seems quiet when I walk through the door so looking around I head towards the kitchen but halfway I bump into a figure who quickly tries to reach the back door.

“Ouch” I hiss, running my hand over the bandage over my eyebrow as Glenn wraps a hand around his nose, his eyes bright from the impact.

“Where are you going in such a hurry, buddy?” I peep, pressing my fingers over the white gauze, underneath I can feel the slight pulsation from the stitches.

Glenn moves his hand away from his face, sniffing.

“Sorry Sum.I'm catching up with Rick.We're going to look for Hersel” he replies, trying to dodge me to reach the door.

I follow him, following his every step.

Hersel?

Why?

What happened?

“Glenn!” I get his attention by grabbing his hand.

The boy stops his run, finally resting his eyes on me.

“Beth seems to be in shock and we can't find Hersel anywhere.Rick and I are going to the bar downtown to look for him”

I nod once.

“I'll come with you” I offer immediately.

Even though a big part of me is screaming at me to stay here, to protect Carol, to stay by Daryl's side, I know I can't do it.

A little voice in my head keeps telling me that right now I'm an outsider and that I can't intrude on these people's pain so any distraction is welcomed.

And looking for the vet, being able to move away from here, seems to me to be the most suitable solution.

Glenn shakes his head as he grabs a rifle from on top of an old coffee table.

Before he can argue I place the flat palm of my hand against his mouth.

“I'm not asking your permission” I wink and, watching him while he snorts resignedly, I follow him through the back door.

Once outside we find Maggie leaning with her back to the wall and her arms crossed in front of her chest.

Smiling at her I leave them alone as I approach Rick.

The former officer doesn't even look at me but I can see a corner of his lips lifting into a sly smile.

“I bet you'll join us” he murmurs with a nod towards the car.

“Obviously.In fact, I'm offended that you didn't come looking for me.Do you really think I would have let you go alone?” I reply in a light but serious tone, giving him a playful shove.

Rick chuckles under his breath.

“Do you have a weapon?”

“I have my knife”

“Take this” he replies handing me a gun which I accept without replying.

I know that the use of guns must be strictly necessary due to the noise but nowadays it is better not to be caught unprepared.

“Does Daryl know?”

His question catches me off guard, making my gaze move from the weapon I hold in my hands to his face.

His clear blue eyes are focused behind me.

“He's not my fucking nanny” I huff, following the direction of his gaze.

My lips curve upwards.

“They're cute, aren't they?” I chuckle, returning my attention to the man next to me.

Rick smiles and then directs his glittering gaze of mischievous into mine.

“Yeah.You and Daryl are cute too.This is why you have to tell him where you're going because I don't want to catch an arrow up my ass”

I blush at his statement but intending not to show it I put on a cooky smile.

“Your ass is safe, cop.Let's go” I urge him, getting into the car while Glenn joins us with his shoulders down.

Rick sits in the driving seat while Glenn sits next to him, I sit in the center of the back seat so I can have a good view of the road and the men in front of me.

The journey proceeds in silence.

None of us speak perhaps too lost in our mental ruminations.

Too many things happened today and all too quickly.

Shane lost his mind.

We have all lost it.

Heavy words were flown and after all this I don't know if the group will ever go back to how it used to be.

Glenn continues to fidget on his spot.

Rick sends me worried looks through the rearview mirror, looks to which I respond with constant shrugs.

I honestly can't understand what's going on in my friend's head at the moment.

When the outlines of the buildings in the city appear on the horizon Glenn breaks the silence that surrounds us.

“Maggie said she loves me” he suddenly blurts out, turning his gaze towards Rick.

I smile radiantly.

“That’s great, Glenn” I laugh, leaning forward and placing a hand on his shoulder.

Glenn looks back at me but his face is serious.

Too serious.

Wait.

“That's a good thing, right?” I ask now unsure.

I certainly didn't expect such a detached reaction from the delivery guy.

If I had been in his place, if Daryl had said he loved me, I think I would have jumped out of my own skin.

The thought makes me blush and I chew my lower lip.

Glenn lets out a nervous laugh.

“She doesn't mean It.I mean she doesn't.I mean…well…she…she's upset or confused.She’s probably feeling like…” he exclaims, speaking hurriedly, the stuttered words rolling off his lips quickly.

“I think she's smart enough to know what she's feeling” Rick interrupts, eliciting a confident shake of the head from Glenn.

“No, no!”

Rick and I smile amused by his reaction.

“No it does not.You know what?She wants to be in love, so she's…she needs something to…to, like…to hold onto” continues the boy undaunted.

I can understand him.

Nowadays, becoming so attached to someone, even falling in love, is always a big risk.

We may never live long enough or even worse we may helplessly witness the death of those we love.

I understand why he tries to push away her feelings.

After all, how long has he known Maggie?

He knows her just a few days longer than I know Daryl.

I understand how the magnitude of such a huge, sudden feeling can catch you off guard.

But that doesn't mean it's right to reject it, on the contrary we must live it as much as we can because if Sophia's death has taught us anything it is that nothing lasts forever anymore.

Then it's best to bask in what little love we have left in the little time we have left.

“Glenn, it's pretty obvious to everyone Maggie loves you.For everyone except you of course, you stupid hassole.And not just because you're one of the last men standing” I encourage him, resting my chin on the seat where he sits.

Rick nods as if he agrees with every single word I say.

“I mean what's the problem?” I add softly.

Glenn looks out the window as if he's trying to coax the right words into his confused head.

“I didn't say it back”

“Shit” Rick and I exclaim at the same time.

I rise from my position to rest my back against the soft leather seat crossing my arms over my chest.

“Oh man.You fucked up” I tease him by pushing the sole of my boot against his seat.

“Hey!” he exclaims, turning his torso in my direction.

“I was nervous, okay?I've never had a woman say that to me before.You know, except for my mom, of course, and my sisters.But with Maggie, it's different.We barely know each other.What…what does she really know about me?Nothing!We're practically strangers”

The words slip out of my mouth before I can realize it.

“So?Even I barely know Daryl but I love him anyway”

When my words hit my own ears I curse myself.

I look down at my crossed arms chewing my cheeks nervously.

Why the hell did I say that?

God, I wish right now a chasm would open up under my stupid ass and swallow me.

A loud laugh resonates in the cockpit making me blush even more, I can feel my blood rushing through my veins violently.

I risk a look in front of me, finding Glenn's sly smile and Rick's bright and attentive eyes staring at me from the rearview mirror.

“Not a word, dumbass” I mutter, making both of us laugh this time.

Rick shakes his head with an amused expression and then turns his attention to the man sitting next to him.

“Listen to me, Glenn.This is a good thing, something we don't get enough of these days.Enjoy it.And when we get back, return the favor.It's not like she's going anywhere.And…”

I can feel Rick's smile as he turns his head ever so slightly in my direction.

“Same goes for you Summer.Tell Daryl how you feel”

Determined to ignore him I refuse to meet his gaze, he's too amused for my tastes.

“We're not talking about me.Keeps driving, sheriff” I murmur with an angry frown as the man slows down, having now reached the center of the city.

I don't like this attention towards me.

After a few minutes Rick pulls over the car and looking around, making sure the road is clear of dangers, we get out of the car and go into the bar that Maggie had suggested.

The room is dark and dusty.

Under my feet the dark wooden floor, matching the chairs and tables, creaks.

Rick proceeds slowly and Glenn, after a final glance towards the street, closes the door behind us.

Hersel is sitting on a stool right in front of us, his back to us while his arms are resting on the counter, in his hands he seems to be holding a glass full of an amber liquid.

After everything that's happened, I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't like a drop too.

“Hersel?” Rick calls him cautiously.

The man doesn't flinch, he doesn't move.

He doesn't seem at all surprised by our presence.

“Who's with you?” the man asks without turning.

His voice barely holds back the agonizing pain.

For him we are only the murderers of his family, we are the people who turned his peaceful life upside down.

“Summer.And Glenn” replies the former officer remaining still.

“Did Maggie send them?”

“They volunteered.They're worried”

Glenn and I exchange a look, leaving Rick to resolve the matter.

Slowly Rick approaches.

I grab Glenn's hand and indicate with a nod to one of the tables, the furthest from the two men but the closest to the windows at the entrance, so as to be able to leave the right amount of privacy to the two men but close enough to keep an eye on the situation outside.

Rick and Hersel's words are just a low murmur so I take the opportunity to talk to Glenn.

“Hey!What happened after…” I don't finish my sentence, Glenn knows what I'm referring to.

What happened after Rick shot Sophia.

Glenn glances at the counter and then brings his big dark eyes back to me.

With a slow movement he places the rifle on the table, running his hands through his hair.

“Shane accused Hersel of knowing that Sophia was in the barn and now he wants us out of his land”

“Shit”

“Yeah, shit”

“And you?What do you think you will do?” I ask even though deep down I already know the answer.

“What do you mean?" he whispers in response, avoiding my gaze.

One corner of my lips lifts.

I gently place a hand on that of the boy in front of me.

“You know what I'm talking about”

Glenn shakes his head, removing his hand from my grip and crossing his arms over his chest.

I can feel the confusion in his mind from here.

“I honestly don't know”

“Are you sure?”

“Maggie will never leave her family”

“I know”

“And I can't leave mine” Glenn sighs heartbroken, finally deciding to bring his frightened and lost gaze back into mine.

“Glenn, we are not your family”

I immediately stop him with a wave of my hand when I see his gaze darken, offended by my words.

“I don't mean that.Yes, it's true we are a family but she is the love of your life.How do you think I can ever live in peace knowing that I took you away from her?None of us could stand it, Glenn.But she has her father, Beth, Patricia, Jimmy.They have a safe place and I...I would be much calmer knowing you were there than in the middle of that shit out there” I try to make him think while I point the way outside with a finger.

Glenn sighs, closing his eyes and leaning back in the chair, his fingers wrapping around the locks of his hair, pulling them tightly.

The situation he finds himself in is not easy because, putting myself in his shoes, I am sure that, even though the choice would make me suffer, I would choose to follow the person I love.

I would choose Daryl.

“If Daryl asked you to give up everything and everyone, would you do it?”

I nod again before Glenn finishes his question.

He looks at me with a skeptical frown, I smile back at him.

“This doesn't mean I don't care about you but I'm sure I'll never find such a great love again.How could I leave him behind?”

Glenn seems to reflect on my words even though his furrowed eyebrows indicate that an ocean of conflicting emotions is still churning within him.

Some footsteps catch our attention and when we look behind us we see Rick approach the door of the bar and open it, Glenn and I immediately go alongside him to understand what is happening.

Rick shakes his head dejectedly but he seems to think about something so he turns back to the vet who still stubbornly turns his back on us.

“So what do we do?Just wait for him to pass out?” Glenn asks on the doorstep.

“Just go.Just go!” Hersel silences us.

Rick takes a couple of steps in his direction.

“I promised Maggie I'd bring you home safe”

Rick barely keeps his calm as he tries to reason with the man who in response snorts amused.

“Like you promised that little girl?”

His words take us by surprise with their wickedness.

He must be really upset, Hersel isn't like that.

But before Glenn and I can avoid it, Rick reaches the man, his nervous footsteps sounding loud and confident on the old wooden floor.

“So what's your plan?Finish that bottle?Drink yourself to death and leave your girls alone?”

“Stop telling me how to care for my family, my farm” Hersel blurts out, slamming the empty glass on the counter and finally deciding to get up and face Rick angrily.

“Your people are like a plague!I do a Christian thing, give you shelter, and you destroy it all!” he shouts while gesticulating senselessly but Rick doesn't seem intimidated by all that anger.

“The world was already in bad shape when we met”

“And you take no responsibility!You're supposed to be their leader!”

“Well I'm here now, aren't I?”

The two men are now shouting at each other.

With the tip of my boot I hit Glenn's foot, silently asking him if we shouldn't intervene before the situation can escalate further or, even worse, their screams can attract unwanted attention.

Glenn raises a hand as if telling me to wait.

In fact, after a few moments Hersel seems to calm down and regain some lucidity.

“Yes.Yes, you are” he sighs, staggering towards the stool and collapsing onto it, after which he grabs the glass and takes another sip.

“Come on” Rick urges him again with an authoritative voice but this time with a little more sweetness.

“Your girls need you now more than ever” I whisper moving closer until I reach the man, placing a hand on his shoulder.

Hersel looks at me with his deep blue eyes with a storm reflected in them.

“I didn't want to believe you” he says, dodging my hand violently but keeping his gaze fixed on mine.

“You told me there was no cure, that these people were dead, not sick.I choose not to believe that.But when Shane shot Lou in the chest and she just kept coming, that's when I knew what an ass I'd been, that Annette had been dead long ago and I was feeding a rotten corpse!That's when I knew there was no hope.And when that little girl came out of the barn, the look on your face, while you held her mother in your arms, I knew you knew too.Right?”

His words freeze my blood in my veins.

I remember that moment.

The moment I realized it was all over.

That there is no more hope.

That all hope died the moment Sophia stepped out of that damn barn.

The sweet vet's eyes are filled with tears just like mine.

Behind us Rick and Glenn seem to be holding their breath.

“There is no hope, Summer.And you know it now, like I do.Don't you?”

I put a hand on my chest trying to contain the pain that this man's words are awakening in my old broken soul.

A solitary tear escapes my control, eliciting a bitter smile from the man.

“There is no hope for any of us, Summer” he sighs, turning his back on me again.

My gaze shifts to my two friends who are looking at me helplessly while I sink into my own pain but...it is thanks to they worried gaze that I find the way back to myself.

I approach and position myself between them.

“It's not like that Hersel.Maybe...maybe a week ago I would have agreed with you.I was alone.Scared.I was ready to die alone.But then…then I found them” I murmur, smiling sweetly at the two men.

“I found friends”

I smile in Glenn's direction.

“I found a brother”

I say with more and more conviction, touching Rick's hand.

“I found love”

And I feel my heart explode thinking about the gruff man who must surely be worrying waiting for my return.

“I found a family.I have found hope again”

This time my voice sounds strong and confident around us.

“And if you can't see the beauty and the wonder and how God is so immense to still grant us these joys in this dirty, depraved world I feel sorry for you Hersel.I'm really sorry”

Glenn wraps an arm around my shoulders, leaving a kiss on my temple.

Rick squeezes my hand and then approaches Hersel in a last tired attempt to make him reason once and for all.

“Look, I'm done.I'm not doing this anymore, cleaning up after you.Do you know what the truth is?Nothing has changed.Death is death.It's always been there, whether it's from a heart attack, cancer or a walker.What's the difference?You didn't think it was hopeless before, did you?Now there are people back at home trying to hang on.They need us even if it's just to give them a reason to go on, even if we don't believe it ourselves”

Rick wearily runs a hand over his face, nerves on edge.

This discussion is wearing him down.

He believes in what he says.

He truly believes there is still hope.

And I believe it too.

“You know what?This…this isn't about what we believe anymore.It's about them.It's about Beth.It's about Maggie and Glenn.It's about Summer.It's about my pregnant wife.Now it's only about the people we love, the people we want to protect”

Hersel remains silent, visibly affected by Rick's words.

He stares at us for a few interminable seconds and then after drinking the contents of the glass to the last drop he stands up.

I smile encouragingly in his direction as Rick squeezes his shoulder affectionately.

Suddenly the door behind us creaks and two armed men appear in the doorway.

Damn.

We were so distracted by ourselves that we didn't stay alert enough.

After a quick look inside the two men focus their gaze on me making me shiver.

Glenn notices this and slowly, almost casually, grabs my wrist and moves me behind him.

“Son of bitch.They're alive" one of the two men sneers.

Both seem quite strong and this makes me suspect that they belong to a large and resourceful group.

They're basically a fucking danger.

They approach one of the tables while Glenn and I slowly move behind the counter.

Rick, feigning courtesy, approaches the table, pouring them both a generous dose of the same liquor that Hersel was drinking.

“I’m Dave” one of the two men introduces himself.

He is very tall, with short hair and a look that is too attentive for my tastes.

He is wearing an old pair of dark jeans and his arms are left exposed by a sleeveless t-shirt.

Around his neck he wears a gold chain that clashes terribly with everything else.

His fingers tighten around the butt of his gun.

His dark eyes rest on me again, looking me up and down and then winking in a way that in his fucking mind should be attractive.

I gag mentally.

In response I roll my eyes while Glenn stiffens, moving the rifle in his hands in order to get the guy's attention.

Dave continues with his rant as if nothing had happened.

“That scrawny-looking douche bag there is Tony”

Tony is a man with a stocky build, the t-shirt he wears pulls over his prominent abdomen.

“Eat me, Dave” Tony laughs, a loud, disgusting laugh.

“Hey, maybe someday I will” replies his friend, grabbing the glass and drinking, his eyes close as if he were tasting a fine liqueur and not a third-rate alcoholic drink in a worn-out bar.

I look around noticing the tight smiles on my friends' faces.

We have to find a way to get out of here without these bastards following us.

And even though none of us are visibly interested in the two of them, Dave continues to tell his story.

“We Met on I-95 coming out of Philly.Damn shit-show that was” Dave chuckles and then he goes back to staring at me intently.

From behind the counter Glenn grabs my hand and squeezes it forcefully, a clear signal to tell me to stay calm and play along.

Glenn laughs, thus diverting attention from me.

“I'm Glenn.It's nice to meet some new people”

“Rick Grimes.This is Hersel” Rick murmurs, passing a glass to Tony.

For a few moments a strange silence fills the air and then Dave's eyes are on me again, specifically on my boobs.

The man licks his lips, adjusting the crotch of his trousers in an absolutely disgusting way.

“How about you, sugar.Do you have a name?"

Tempted to respond with my innate sarcasm, I bite my tongue and count to ten.

With my face devoid of any emotion I force myself to speak but before I can do that Rick precedes me.

“She's my sister, she's got a name.And she's got a pretty rough husband.A man with a little problem of self-control, try to stay in yours, okay?”

This time the kindness is completely gone as he slowly hisses the words.

I shrug in response as Dave returns his gaze to me as he drinks the entire contents of his glass.

Him and Rick exchange a strange look, full of tension, then the man holds out his gun towards Rick.

“Not bad, huh?I got it off a cop”

“I’m a cop”

“This one was already dead” the man justifies himself even if I have the clear impression that this isn't true.

Then silence falls again.

The air around us crackles with a strange electricity, just like when the sky fills with clouds waiting for the storm that will sweep everything away.

Rick pours himself a glass of liquor too, displaying the right amount of nonchalance.

“You fellas are a long way from Philadelphia” he murmurs with his lips touching the edge of the glass.

His Adam's apple bobs up and down as he swallows.

“It’s feels like we’re a long way from anywhere” replies Dave.

Apparently he is the brains of the group.

His friend, Tony, simply nods and looks furtively around.

“Well, what drove you south?” Rick asks politely.

My foot begins tapping nervously on the floor as anxiety rises up my stomach.

We have to get out of here.

Glenn, noticing my nervousness, places a hand on my back, caressing it with small circular movements.

“Well, I can tell you it wasn't the weather.I must've dropped thirty pounds in sweat alone down here”

“I wish” Tony chuckles but his friend goes on ignoring him, as if he hadn't even opened his mouth.

“First It was D.C., I heard there might be some kind of refugee camp, but the roads were so jammed, we never got close.We decided to get off the highways, into the sticks, jeep hauling ass.Every group we came across had a new rumor about a way out of this thing”

Well apparently they're not doing well out there.

Right now the farm is the only safe place and we need to make sure it stays that way.

“One guy told us there was the Coast Guard sitting in the Gulf, sending ferries to the islands” adds Tony nodding absently.

“The latest was a rail yard in Montgomery running trains to the middle of the country…Kansans, Nebraska”

“Nebraska?” Glenn asks genuinely confused.

Tony nods.

“Low population, lots of fun” he adds with a wink.

“Kinda makes sense” Glenn replies.

“Ever been to Nebraska, sugar?”

I sigh in frustration, pinching the bridge of my nose between two fingers.

I'm starting to lose my patience.

“Summer.My name is Summer, no sugar.Summer” I hiss, immediately adding “Anyway, no, never been to Nebraska”

“I like you, Summer” he replies languidly and then adds “Anyway there's a reason why they call 'em flyover states.So...how about you guys?”

“Fort Benning, eventually” Rick replies indifferently even if knowing him what he passes off as indifference is nothing more than a warning.

Smart move.

Well done Rick.

Tony and Dave exchange a look followed by a chuckle.

“I hate to piss in your cornflakes, officer, but, um…we ran across a grunt who was stationed at Benning.He said the place was overrun by lamebrains” adds the latter.

Glenn and I exchange worried looks.

This means that things outside are worse than we thought.

But we can't worry about that now, our problem now is these two idiots.

“Wait, Fort Benning is gone?Shit.What will we do now, big brother?” I ask in a worried tone, turning to Rick and hoping to sound convincing enough even if my anxiety isn't entirely fake.

If Hersel is still convinced of the idea of sending us away we will be in shit.

The real shit.

Rick gives me a reassuring look.

“Sadly, I am.Oddly, the truth is there is no way out of this mess.Just keep going from one pipe dream to the next, praying one of these mindless freaks doesn't grab a hold of you when you sleep”

For a moment Dave's words seem to weigh on all of us.

Even on him.

Tony gets up approaching the counter and turning his back to us we can hear the sound of a zip followed immediately by a loud noise.

Tony is practically pissing two steps away from us regardless of anything.

Disgusting bastard.

Dave settles into the chair, spreading his legs and clicking his fingers on his gun resting on the table.

“So what…so what, you guys set up on the outskirts or something?” he asks almost with disinterest.

Jackpot, jerk.

One corner of my lips lifts.

It was more than obvious from the first moment that these two are trying to get to this point.

Instinctively I tighten my fingers around the butt of the gun I have in my jeans pocket.

I have a sixth sense that this isn't going to end well.

“That new development?Trailer park or something?A farm?” adds Tony still busy with his personal business.

We all exchange a warning look as if to imply that whatever happens we must keep our mouths shut.

The heavy silence seems to capture Dave's attention.

“You got a farm?” he asks, exchanging a long look with Rick who, without betraying any emotion, remains silent.

“Is it safe?You got food, water?” he insists with a sly look.

His dark eyes move over each of us, perhaps looking for the weakest of us from whom he can extort the much sought-after information but he is interrupted by his friend who, lifting his zip, turns towards us and exclaims “You got cooze?Ain't had a piece of ass in weeks.Excluding yours, sweetheart”

The man finishes the sentence by winking at me.

I return his gaze, filling my own with obvious disgust.

Dave scolds him with a look, a silent warning not to screw this up, and then he raises his hands in front of him with palms facing me as if he's apologizing.

“Listen, sorry my friend.City kids…they got no tact.No disrespect.So...listen, Glenn...”

Now at the limit of my patience, I come out from behind the counter, ignoring the warning glances from my friend and positioning myself next to Rick.

“We've said enough.Rick maybe it's best to leave” I say with firmness in my voice.

Rick nods slightly.

Good.

Now we have to make sure they don't follow us.

Dave stands up.

“Wait, hang on a sec.This farm…it sounds pretty sweet.How about a little southern hospitality.We got some buddies back at camp, been having a real hard time.I don't see why you can't make room for a few more.We can pool our resources, our manpower”

Rick shakes his head but before he can speak I anticipate him.

“Look, we're sorry.That's not an option”

Dave and Tony exchange a brief but significant look.

My words definitely pissed them off.

Dave puts the gun in the back pocket of his filthy jeans and then smiles at us.

“I don't see the problem” he adds, trying to convince us.

They don't know that they are playing with the wrong people.

I know this type of men, the sanctuary was full of them.

They will have no scruples.

I know how they think.

“Sorry, we can't help you” Rick's words are calm but peremptory.

There is no fucking way for what they think to happen.

“I thought, ya know…I thought we were friends.We got people we gotta look out for too”

Rick shrugs at Dave's words.

“We don't know anything about you” Rick explains simply as if this were enough to make them understand the reasons for our refusal.

Dave shakes his head and sighs.

“That's true.You don't know anything about us.You don't know we've had to go through out there, the things we've had to do”

“We too did things that had to be done, even if we didn't want to” I interrupt him, tired to play fast and loose.

I'm tired now and this makes the tension only increase.

“Oh, I know.I know, sugar.We are all the same.So come on, let's take a nice friendly hayride to this farm and we'll get to know each other”

Fucking prick.

Rick smiles.

And I swear that if I didn't know him I would shiver from head to toe.

That smile of his is dangerous.

“This is bullshit!”

Tony becomes agitated at our side while he places the rifle on his shoulder with one hand.

The man is sweating profusely, a clear sign that he is losing patience and this does not bode well.

And in fact as soon as Rick tells him to calm down the man completely loses his composure and starts screaming.

“Don't tell me to calm down.Don't tell me to calm down.I'll shoot you four assholes in the head and take your damn farm”

“Whoa” I exclaim approaching the man with the gun clutched in my hand.

Rick behind me tries to pull me towards him.

Dave also tries to calm things down by telling everyone to calm down.

I remain still in my place, feet planted firmly on the ground and the gun in front of me.

“Take it easy.Nobody's killing nobody" Dave exclaims, placing a hand on Rick's shoulder and then leaping over the counter.

I don't move an inch, I just lower the barrel of my gun and look behind me where I see Dave placing the gun on the counter and ducking behind it in search of something good to drink, continuing to repeat that no one will die today and that we are friends.

Yeah, kiss my ass moron.

Rick's hand twitches towards his gun.

An imperceptible movement but I can see it.

Without being too dramatic, I turn towards Hersel who, with a small nod of his head, lets me know that he is fine.

Glenn, on the other hand, appears much more agitated.

His haunted gaze moves quickly among everyone present and then settles on mine.

I'm good I mimic with my lips and a bit of tension seems to leave his rigid shoulders.

“You gotta understand” Dave sighs as he pours himself a glass of liquor.

“We can’t stay out there”

“I miss the part where this is our problem” I hiss giving him my full attention.

The man doesn't seem irritated by my words, in fact he smiles.

“Listen man the farm is too crowded as it is.I'm sorry.You'll have to keep looking” Rick tries to mediate, throwing at me a hard gaze, imploring me with his gaze to keep my mouth shut.

Dave nods.

“Keep looking” he murmurs with his lips pressed against the rim of the glass, taking a moment to swallow the amber liquid.

“Where do you suggest we do that” he finally replies, placing the glass in front of him.

“I hear Nebraska's nice” I respond immediately with a toothy smile.

Dave laughs in response, throwing his head back.

“Nebraska.You're so feral, I like you” he chuckles and in the blink of an eye he grabs his gun but Rick is much faster than him exploding a shot straight at the man's head.

Without thinking twice I turn my back on Rick, leaning it against his and without even aiming I fire two shots at Tony's chest.

The man doesn't even have time to react, his awkward movements in grabbing the rifle to try to defend himself were fatal.

The shots ring out like rolls of thunder within the walls of the bar.

The man's enormous body collapses to the ground while two patches of crimson red spread across his white t-shirt, adding to the dirt that adorned it.

With an empty head I let my arms fall lifeless to my sides, the gun slipping from my fingers and falling to the wooden floor with a dull thud.

I watch as if hypnotized as the blood spreads.

It's the first time I've killed another human being.

I shot my mom but she was already dead...

My hands are shaking wildly and I ball them into fists trying to keep them at bay.

When I was at the sanctuary I never had to kill anyone.

He never allowed it.

For him I had to remain clean from this point of view for as long as possible.

He never wanted me to stain my soul with one of the most atrocious acts in the world, that is, taking the life of another human being.

When I ran away, on my long journey, I was lucky enough to meet few people and I always managed to avoid them without being discovered.

But now I had to do it.

I had to.

I couldn't let anything happen to my friends.

In the fog of my thoughts I can hear the sound of Rick's boots coming alongside me.

Then another shot.

And now Tony's face is also covered in blood.

I killed a human being.

“Summer?Summer, are you okay?”

Rick's warm, reassuring fingers touch my cheek and when I force my gaze to move from the lifeless body in front of me to him I don't know what he's reading because a moment later his arms are wrapped around my shoulders.

I can feel the sound of his voice through his large chest.

“It's okay” he whispers gently without loosening his grip on me.

I feel lost.

It's as if I wanted to cry but I no longer had a soul in my body.

I killed a human being.

A living person.

I weakly push my hands against Rick's chest.

His blue eyes observe me, a wrinkle of concern furrows his face.

For a moment I see Tony's corpse in front of my eyes and a wave of nausea overwhelms me, forcing me to close them.

Stunned, I tighten my fingers around Rick's shirt.

Other steps reach us and now Glenn is also at my side, I avoid his gaze as I delicately move away from his light touch.

I feel dirty and I don't want him to get dirty by touching me.

His soul is still pure...

Mine...

I feel like I lost mine the moment I pulled the trigger.

“I…” I croak, not recognizing my own voice.

“Rick…I…”

The worried look of my close friend softens and the worry wrinkle between his eyes smoothes out.

“Is your first time?”

I nod with a shy nod, lowering my eyes to my hands that are crushing the faded cotton of his shirt.

Rick's lips rest delicately on my forehead.

I'm still waiting for the tears but they don't come.

I want to cry, wash away my sins with my tears but they just don't come.

No matter how hard I try my eyes remain empty and dry.

It's as if my own body is punishing me for my reprehensible actions.

You killed another living being, you deserve to suffer by keeping it all inside.

Moving away from everyone, I head towards the door, deliberately ignoring the blood of the man lying at my feet which slowly spreads across the floor in a large dark and dense puddle.

I reach the door observing the outside.

In addition to our car there is another, certainly the car of the two unfortunate people who are now lying lifeless on the floor.

The devastating silence roars loudly in my ears until the vet's voice snaps me out of my horrible thoughts.

“Let's head back”

And although until a few minutes ago I wanted nothing more than to go back to Daryl more than anything in the world, now the very idea terrifies me.

How will I be able to look him in the eyes?

How will he still see me as the wonderful person he saw in me until this morning?

I feel like I should stay here.

My place is here in the midst of death, the same death I feel in my heart.

Behind me I hear my friends' footsteps approaching but before they can do anything else I see lights across the street.

A car.

“Car.Car!Get down” I exclaim lowering myself while the others imitate my same gesture.

After a few moments the car stops and parks right in front of the bar.

The sound of the doors opening is followed by the sound of footsteps.

“Dave?Tony?”

Shit!

Someone came looking for those two bastards.

They were right after all, they were not alone.

“I'm telling you.I heard shots”

“I saw roamers two streets over”

From the voices it seems to understand that there are three of them.

Damn.

I exchange a quick glance with Rick and Glenn, both of whom are on the opposite side of the door while Hersel next to me squeezes my shoulder with his fingers.

The three men talk to each other trying to find out the whereabouts of their friends.

We clearly hear their footsteps along the sidewalk as they argue with each other, ordering each other to be quiet and continue searching.

Rick gets up peering from behind the curtain then, remaining crouched, we approach each other.

“Why won't they leave?” Glenn asks in an agitated tone.

For the first time I look him in the eyes again.

“Would you?” I ask him.

And even if my friend doesn't answer me I know what he's thinking because it's the same thing we all have.

None of us would ever leave the others.

“We have to leave, we can't stay.They will find us.Let's head out the back and make a run to the car”

Nodding we try to move but sudden shots stop our every movement.

“What happened?” asks one of the strangers outside.

The answer doesn't take long to arrive.

Walkers.

Shit.

The situation seems to get worse moment by moment.

The men outside continue to argue until they come to the conclusion that their friends will definitely be in the bar and so a moment later their footsteps inexorably get closer.

Rick and I immediately point the gun at the door and when it opens Glenn rushes towards it, closing it, pressing his back against it.

Now they know we're here.

“Yo, is someone in there?Yo, if someone in there, we don't want no trouble.We’re just looking for our friends”

I shake my head vigorously at Rick.

We must remain silent and wait for them to go away.

If we engage in any kind of discussion with these people we already know how it will end.

And even if my hand trembles I already know that I will do what I have to do if necessary.

“We don't want no trouble.We're just looking for our friends.If something happened tell us.This place is crawling with corpses.If you can help us not get killed, I'd appreciate it” the man repeats once again.

Rick puts his hand to his forehead, fighting against himself, but in the end I can see the moment he gives in.

And then he speaks.

“They drew on us!” he screams.

The footsteps outside are getting closer again.

“Dave and Tony in there?Are they alive?”

No, they aren't.

Despite the darkness, my eyes immediately find the man lying on the floor.

The man I killed.

I killed a human being.

I close my eyes trying to ignore the turmoil stirring inside me.

I can't distract myself now, not now.

I will have time for this, now I have to focus on the present.

We need to get out of here and possibly do it alive.

“No” Rick replies.

Outside the voices are agitated, talking to each other.

Some want to leave while one of them doesn't.

“They drew on us!They give us no choice!I'm sure we've all lost enough people, done things we wish we didn't have to, but it's like that now.You know that.So let's just chalk this up to what it was.Wrong place, wrong-” Rick shouts again but without being able to finish because a hail of bullets hits us.

The windows above our heads shatter, forcing us to step back.

Rick quickly gets to his feet, shooting through the broken glass and telling us to run away.

I grab Hersel's arm and, remaining crouched, we follow Glenn towards the back.

Hersel and Glenn take cover behind the counter while I get stuck behind a column when a bullet whizzes past my ear, splintering the wall protecting me.

I'm panting heavily as I check the magazine of my gun, I only have four shots left.

The gunfire around us seems to stop so I lean forward trying to figure out where Rick is and if he's okay.

I find him loading his rifle.

“Hey!” he shouts outward.

“We all know this is not gonna end well!There's nothing in it for any of us!You guys just...just back off, no one else gets hurt!”

When no one answers Rick nods at me and I know my time has come.

Without wasting time I rush towards the back door and enter the back of the bar.

The old stairs creak under my boots, making my heartbeat skip a beat.

Trying to make as little noise as possible, I approach the door that would signal our salvation but the silhouette of a man appears from behind the glass and a moment later the door handle moves.

Instinctively I shoot, sending the glass shattering.

Three more bullets.

“Summer!Summer!” my friend's worried voice reaches me from the other side of the room.

Keeping the gun pointed at the door I assure them that I'm fine.

Nothing seems to be moving abroad.

Maybe I scared him and he ran away.

Or maybe you killed him.

You killed another human being.

A noise behind me makes me snap like a spring.

I turn around with the gun drawn in front of me and find Glenn with his hands raised.

Behind him Hersel.

Glenn moves my gun from in front of his face.

I exhale deeply.

“Shit, man.Sorry!Sorry!”

I close my eyes trying to calm down.

My goodness, I could have shot my friends!

“Rick wants me to try for the car”

I shake my head.

No.

I can't let Glenn go out there.

“I'll go” I exclaim, ready to stop any protest from him.

I load my gun, trying to block out the two men's animated protests from my head.

I have three shots, I can do it.

I have to do it.

“Summer!”

“No, Glenn!We will talk about sex discrimination another time.I don't give a shit if you feel like a gentleman right now.You will stay here, protect Rick and Hersel.End of the story”

Before I can open the door I feel someone grab my wrist.

When I look at Glenn's face, his eyes are two hard and unreadable mirrors.

“Don't bullshit.Don't be the hero.You get the car and come back here.If things go to shit, run away.We'll find a way”

“Glenn…”

“Just…Just don't die, okay?”

“I won't” I promise him solemnly, leaving a quick peck on his cheek and disappearing out the door.

Outside at the moment everything seems to be quiet so I cautiously walk along the sidewalk that runs alongside the building but I don't have time to walk even ten steps before a shot rings out behind me.

I take cover against the wall and when I turn around another shot rings out in the air.

Glenn shot my attacker.

His chest rises and falls rapidly as with a shaking hand he lowers the rifle.

The man on the ground scream in pain and if we don't silence him he will immediately attract his friends but I can't stop now so I move forward hiding behind a dumpster.

After a few moments I hear Rick's voice.

“Summer?Are you hurt?”

“No.No.I'm good” I whisper.

The man reaches me crouching next to me.

“It's all right.The car's right there.We're almost home”

“Okay”

My voice is shaking, I try to clear my throat but to no avail.

That ball of anxiety and horror is still there weighing down my chest.

We're almost home.

Yeah.

I want to go home.

I want to see Carol again.

I want to see Daryl again.

Only at the thought of him my tears seem to return.

Because I need him.

Daryl was right.

As long as we are together everything will be fine.

Daryl will help me with my pain, he has already healed my soul once.

I'm sure he will do it again.

And again if I need it.

I just need him now.

I sniffle trying not to make too much noise.

Rick wraps his long fingers around my shoulder squeezing it hard.

“I'll take you home, little sis”

The shadow of an amused smile on his lips.

It's absurd how naturally he passed himself off as my brother to protect me.

“I know, big bro”

The man on the ground continues to scream in pain.

Too loudly.

Too fucking loudly.

“Let's go” he urges me but as soon as we get up other shots reach us forcing us to retrace our steps and hide.

Suddenly a car stops on the other side of the road and the man behind the wheel starts yelling that the place is quickly filling up with walkers and that it's best to go.

I lean forward a little to understand who he is talking to and I notice that on the roof of the building opposite there is a boy with a rifle, he must be just over twenty years old, who, invited by his friends, jumps from the roof and disappears from my sight.

Immediately afterwards an inhuman scream reaches us and the car skids off.

“Get Hersel and Glenn” Rick orders me, running towards the screams.

A group of walkers is approaching so shouting at my friends to follow me we run in the same direction as Rick.

The walkers don't follow us too busy devouring the man Glenn shot.

After a few moments the screaming stops.

Making sure the two men are following me I catch up with Rick.

When I arrived, the scene that appeared before me was terrifying.

The boy has impaled his leg on a metal spike, his screams make me shiver while his desperate crying only attracts other walkers.

“We have to go now!” Hersel shouts.

The boy cries even harder.

“I'm sorry, son.We have to go” Hersel murmurs with a heartbroken look towards the young man.

“No, no, don't leave me, please”

His plea tears my heart apart.

It's not his fault that he ended up in this mess.

Nowadays we are willing to do anything to survive, even joining a violent group.

I know something about it.

And in this moment I understand Rick's hesitation in wanting to help the boy and Hersel's determination in wanting to leave.

I can't choose and I can't take sides.

“We have to go!” Hersel reiterates as Rick shakes his head.

“We can't leave him here” replies the latter.

Glenn fidgets next to me.

“Rick, this guy was shooting at you!”

I am struck by his words.

“Glenn, he's just a boy”

But my friend doesn't even give me an answer.

Nervousness arises around us pitting us against each other.

“This place is crawling with walkers!” Glenn shouts while in the distance we can hear the walkers approaching.

Every minute is precious.

“Hersel, what chance do we have of saving him?” I ask the man, ignoring Glenn's almost betrayed look.

I know he is convinced that we are wasting precious time but too many people died today.

If we even have a chance of saving him we have to try.

“The fence went clean through.There's no way we can get the leg off in one piece.We're not gonna get that leg off without tearing the muscle to shreds.He certainly can't run.He may bleed out”

Shit!

Thing Summer, thing!

Meanwhile, Rick and Glenn tell the boy to be quiet, trying to calm his scream.

Then an idea.

“Hersel, can't we just take the leg off?”

At my question the boy begins to scream even louder.

I approach him pointing my gun at his face.

“Listen man, do you want to live?” I spit the words between my teeth, angrily.

I'm tired and out of control.

The boy is terrified by my crazy expression, so he whimpers and nods weakly.

“So shut the fuck up!Do you understand?”

With my eyes fixed on the boy I try to soften my gaze by trying to be at least a little kinder.

"It will all be fine.We won't leave you here just hang on, alright?”

He nods but his gaze remains haunted as Hersel lists the steps to take to amputate his leg.

The man takes off his shirt, knotting it as if it were a tourniquet around the boy's leg.

Rick joins me, pushing a hand against the boy's chest to force him to lie down.

Around us the grunts are getting closer and closer.

Glenn and I exchange a knowing look, splitting up to cover both sides.

He is the first to shoot and I follow closely but having only three bullets there is very little I can do.

“Rick!We have to move” I shout at him.

“I'm out of ammo.Glenn, how's it going?”

The delivery guy fires a couple more shots.

“I'm almost out of ammo” he replies.

Shit!

“Rick!”

I catch up with him while he and Hersel try to cut off the boy's leg.

“Hersel do it now!” Rick is yelling at him but the man shakes his head in defeat.

“There is no time” the vet replies.

Rick, after shooting a walker behind us, drops his rifle and, grabbing the boy's leg, forcefully removes it from the fence.

After an inhuman scream the boy faints.

Rick and Glenn put him in the car.

Hersel and I sit with him in the back seat periodically making sure he's breathing.

The journey continues in a surreal silence and when we reach the farm it is already morning.

I don't remember much about the return journey, it's as if my mind has turned off, excluding any sound, any word, anything that happened in the previous hours.

I feel numb, in my body and in my mind.

And it is with the same state of mind, with the same numbness, that I watch Rick and the others get out of the car.

The man hugs his son and his wife.

In their hasty and excited gestures I can see all the worry evaporate and be replaced by a love so immense, so tangible that it takes my breath away.

I see Maggie run to the car and throw her arms around Glenn's neck as Hersel instructs Patricia on what he needs and what she needs to prepare.

And I…

I sit next to Randall.

That's his name.

I watch his chest fall and rise slowly as small gasps leave his lips.

I look at my hands, placed in my lap, dirty with his blood.

The voices outside the cockpit are just confused murmurs but among them I can clearly hear heavy footsteps until the door on my side opens.

“Ya good?”

His voice unleashes a whirlwind of conflicting emotions within me.

When his fingers touch my chin I move away, turning my head the other way, focusing my gaze on the boy's mangled leg.

The blood continues to soak Hersel's once white shirt relentlessly.

“Summer?”

My name rolls from his lips wrapped in a spiral of worry but despite this I can't look him in the eyes.

I don't feel like myself and I don't want him to see me that way.

Daryl doesn't push any further, just crouches beside me waiting for me to be ready for him.

From the other side of the car someone approaches to take the boy away.

I don't have the strength to look who they are and after a few minutes they all disappeared inside the big house.

Everyone except me.

And Daryl.

The man doesn't let out a breath, he remains motionless at my side.

After minutes or hours I find the strength to speak again.

“You should reach the others” I murmur, lost of any emotion, of any feeling.

The words come out in such a soft whisper that I'm afraid he didn't hear me.

But I know that's not true.

The archer remains motionless at my side.

Not a breath, not a word.

I feel his eyes boring a hole into my face, even though I can't see him I feel his eyes on me.

I peek in his direction and it's just as I imagined.

His beautiful blue eyes are there, intently staring at me.

In his face there is not even a shadow of what I had imagined.

There is no anger, no disgust, oh no...in his eyes there is only so much concern but also so much relief at me coming back.

Come back to him.

And all this kills me.

I would have preferred for him to yell at me, for him to scold me for my recklessness, for disappearing without telling him anything.

I would have accepted anything but this.

Not this.

I feel like I don't deserve his gentle soul.

I look back at my hands, Randall's blood coagulated between my fingers.

The same fingers that pulled that trigger.

The same fingers that marked the end of a life.

I killed a human being.

With a sudden movement of my arm I push Daryl angrily, forcing him to stand up and make room for me while I get out of the car.

Shocked and without a specific destination, I walk away from the car and head towards the opposite side of the house.

The hill that leads towards the trees at the edge of the property extends in front of my eyes and so without having really decided my feet take me in that direction.

“Summer!” the archer grunts trying to reach me.

I snort, speeding up my pace.

Why can't he understand that I want to be alone?

His large hand grabs my wrist, forcing me to stop.

He stays behind me, granting me at least this.

I don't want to see his eyes and he understood this.

“Wha’ happened?”

“You should reach the others, Daryl”

My voice cracks as I say his name.

The same name that until a few minutes ago kept me away from my own demons now seems to push me further and further towards an abyss from which I can't see a way out.

“Wha’ happened, my sunshine?”

My heart skips a beat.

My sunshine.

He thinks about me as his.

And I want to be his.

But…but I feel so dirty…

I killed a human being.

“Wha’ happened?” he repeats but this time letting all his desperation towards my stubborn silence shine through his words.

What happened...

Happened that I love you and I feel like I don't deserve you.

Here's what happens.

But I will never tell him this.

Never.

Daryl Dixon is all I have and I will always protect him.

Even if it is from myself that I will have to protect him.

“Mind your fucking business, Dixon” I hiss angrily, yanking my hand from his grasp.

Daryl lets me go like he's burned himself and when I start to walk away I don't hear his footsteps following me.

I don't have the courage to turn around.

Because even though this is what I want, I can't handle the pain in his eyes.

I'm a monster.

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