#btw the sections are sometimes non-linear u gotta piece it together

[bullybyulyi]

flowers are not enough

read on aff 

When arms wrap around Byulyi’s shoulders, her skin crawls. Goosebumps dot the surface of her arms and she hopes that they won’t show on camera, as if they won’t be heavily editing the photos later anyway. After a dozen shutter clicks they change positions and she gets a good look at what kind of person would just hug a stranger.

She’s…cute, Byulyi decides, nothing special. It takes the edge off of how uncomfortable she’d felt in her embrace, but her skin continues to itch where they had made contact.

–

She’s an angel, Byulyi corrects herself a few days later.

It was a small lapse in thought, anyone could have done it, but Byulyi’s anxiety spirals her into dark thoughts of what this kind of mistake spells out for her future. How could she forget her heels? Does that mean she would do this down the line, when it mattered? It was just one tiny error but it was stacked against the other girls who were perfect.

The instructor must see the panic roiling in her eyes because she claps for the attention of the other girls.

“Does anyone have shoes for Byulyi to borrow?” She looks back at Byulyi, who seems a little surprised at everyone’s eyes on her. “What’s your size?”

She mumbles out 235 but the reverb of the studio carries her answer to the others.

“I have an extra pair!” A voice jumps out from the far corner. The girl from the photoshoot. She digs around her bags and runs to Byulyi with a pair of simple black heels. “Here.”

Byulyi dips her head over and over thanking the other girl, who merely smiles and tells her not to worry about it.

Byulyi doesn’t.

But she does feel the weird itch again, this time in the center of her chest. The Photoshoot Girl is more than just another trainee to her now. Now she’s a face and a kind smile and Byulyi likes her, wants to be her friend.

After practice, the instructor gives her a kind reminder to not forget anything next time and the residual strength Byulyi gained from Photoshoot Girl’s smile allows her to feel conviction rather than shame over the small lecture.

“Don’t forget to return the shoes. Who lent them to you?”

Byulyi thinks this is her chance to appreciate the other girl a little. She’s in the back corner with her things, pouting a bit for whatever reason and Byulyi’s convinced there’s no way a face like that can be over 18. She calls her out, informally, so the girl will understand her intentions to become close, like friends.

“That girl over there.” She points a finger directly at her savior. The instructor nods, already moving away to talk to the other trainees.

Photoshoot Girl looks up in surprise at being called out by her voice. Instead of the sheepish look Byulyi expected, the girl looks in shock. Between Byulyi’s confident smile and her pointed finger, and her pretty face twists into a scowl. Suddenly she doesn’t look so young anymore.

Byulyi’s smile drops as the girl approaches her, scowl still fixed.

“Moon Byulyi, right?”

“Yes. Um, thank you for the shoes.” She speaks formally, holding them out. The other girl takes them back stiffly, but her expression has softened to something less offended.

“I’m Kim Yongsun. What year are you?”

Byulyi feels her face twitch as she feels the same hot shame from the morning begin to pool in her stomach. She can tell where this going. “’92.” She answers lamely.

“I’m ’91. Please call me Unnie.” Yongsun requests, her manner unwavering.

Byulyi dips her head so she doesn’t have to look Yongsun in the eyes anymore. “Sorry, Unnie.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Yongsun repeats the same words from this morning and walks back to her belongings.

This time, the words only serve to make the burning shame feel hotter. Byulyi swears to herself she’ll never forget her things, and that she never wants to feel Yongsun’s disdainful eyes on her ever again.

-CHRYSANTHEMUM::SLIGHTED LOVE-

They’re all in the changing room when the girl next to Byulyi starts coughing up a storm. She jumps in surprise before she and the girl on her other side crowd around to see if she’s okay. Everyone else turns their heads curiously.

“Are you okay?” Byulyi asks, when the girl collapses on her hands and knees and her coughs turn into gagging. The other girl next to them is luckily still completely dressed, and she runs out to call for help.

The room is otherwise frozen, watching the girl dry heave on the ground, including Byulyi. She’s never seen someone like this. Her hands float around the girl’s figure uselessly.

Yongsun rushes into the scene suddenly and drops to her side. She briefly meets Byulyi’s eyes and sees a panic in her eyes that’s probably mirrored by all the other girls in the room.

Yongsun grabs the coughing girl by the shoulders and forces her upright. Sure enough, there’s a flower etched right at on her chest. She keeps one hand bracing the girl upright and uses the other to start patting around where the flower is.

“What is – is she okay?” Byulyi’s voice trembles out.

Yongsun bites her lip, hitting harder. “She will be.”

The girl who’d run out before suddenly bursts back in with one of the instructors in a tow, just in time for a flurry of yellow petals to burst out of the girl’s mouth. Byulyi would have thought it to be beautiful if she weren’t horrified. Yongsun had expected it, yet she can’t help flinching. Everyone watches in stunned silence as she finishes choking out the last petal. Then, the only sound is the girl gasping on the ground before the instructor calls out her name. They walk away in the direction of the CEO’s office.

Slowly, murmurs return to the room but the usual energy is completely drained. Yongsun is still still kneeling on the ground as Byulyi looms above her.

“Was that –“

“Oranthoptysis.” Yongsun answers her. Byulyi’s eyes widen. She knew it better as Hanahaki, the disease of throwing up petals. Love takes the form of flowers, small and beautiful, growing on the skin right above your heart. But if the bud on your chest blooms in full and your love stays unfulfilled for however long, the feelings will erupt out of your mouth. The only real cure is to have your love returned, otherwise the flower must be surgically removed. If the disease persists, the victim will eventually die from choking on their own feelings.

Byulyi feels skittish at the thought. Hanahaki wasn’t a very common case, but it happened often enough that the medical procedures for it weren’t too strenuous. The problem was that half the time, people with the disease would refuse treatment. To remove the flower meant to remove the feelings. Despite the agony, in the face of pure love, some just couldn’t let go of the hope of having their love returned.

Sometimes, they wait to the brink of death before surgery. By then there’s enough damage done to the throat that the sufferer will barely be able to speak, let alone sing. Byulyi hopes it never happens to her.

Yongsun still hasn’t moved. She looks as though she was seeing something that wasn’t there, replaying a memory for her mind’s eye. Byulyi wants to ask, what are you thinking? How did you know?

Yongsun stands up and sighs before she can find her words. She watches the older girl walk back to her things. Yongsun’s voice is too beautiful, too rich to have felt the pain of blooming petals, but Byulyi can’t help but wonder.

That night, she falls asleep with an itch in her chest and chrysanthemum petals floating around her mind.

–

The girl won’t be training with them anymore. The instructor gives them five minutes of downtime before practice will start again. A murmur swells from the dozen or so in the practice room and Byulyi is sitting next to Yongsun when they get the news.

(They’ve stopped trying to avoid each other at this point, but they’re not really friends.)

“She should have gotten the surgery.” Yongsun mumbles to no one. Byulyi’s the only one who hears her, and Yongsun somehow know’s she’s listening. “She probably won’t be able to sing ever again.”

Byulyi glances at her then, and notices how her eyes aren’t nearly as cold as her words.

–

Byulyi really hates her relationship with Yongsun. It’s been over a month since their initial meeting, but she still has the nagging feeling in her chest, and she’s sure it’s because Yongsun probably doesn’t like her still. That bothers her. It makes her hyperaware of Yongsun. It compels her to look at Yongsun way too much. Somewhere along the line she realizes, Yongsun is goddamn beautiful.

Byulyi wears her blind confidence one evening and approaches Yongsun after a vocal lesson.

“Unnie,” She makes sure to say properly, “Do you want to come get dinner with me?”

Byulyi had expected restraint and politeness, which she promised herself would change by the end of the night if she played her cards right. Instead, Yongsun’s curious look turns into a shy grin.

“I’d like that.”

Yongsun’s shining smile blindsides her and it makes the tightness in her chest unravel into something warm. Byulyi breathes easily for the first time in what seems like weeks. They go to one of the food stalls nearby and as it turns out, they have the same taste.

–

Her new-built friendship with Yongsun blows all her other friendships out of the water. Byulyi sticks to Yongsun like she’s in a gravitational lock. The others can’t help but notice.

“You’re friends with her now? Isn’t she kind of weird? I thought you guys didn’t like each other.” Wheein asks her bluntly one afternoon. Hyejin, lounging next to them, perks up in interest.

“Yongsun-unnie is great.” Byulyi beams. “That was just a misunderstanding from before. She’s really funny you know?”

Wheein purses her lips. “She’s still weird.”

The older girl is unfazed. “I like her.”

Wheein looks to Hyejin for a second opinion. Her friend merely shrugs. “She is pretty funny. And she seems nice enough.”

Wheein leans back with a huff and the begrudging knowledge that Yongsun’s presence in her life just became an inevitable outcome. Her face pulls into a pout. “She reminds me of my mom.”

–

It’s the four of them. Locked in, slated to be the ones to debut. With only a simple smile, the CEO has made all their dreams see the light of reality. Byulyi feels like she’s flying.

“Yongsun, you’ll be the leader and lead vocal. Byulyi, you’ll be doing rap from now on. Wheein and Hyejin are both main vocal. There are some secondary responsibilities I’ll have you girls take on, but you’ll get those when you start your new schedules tomorrow. You can take the rest of today off.”

His smile is the same, kind, proud, but this time Byulyi is plummeting to the ground and she hopes it’ll swallow her whole. The others nod professionally at him before Yongsun simply can’t hold back any longer and starts squealing. Wheein and Hyejin join in on the eruption, and they’re elated enough to not notice Byulyi only offering tired, empty laughs.

They rush back to the shared apartment, each dipping a bit into their savings pool and buying as many snacks and take-out boxes as they wanted on the way.

“This is our last bite of freedom.” Hyejin had solemnly said with a potato chip in hand. “From today on there’ll be cameras in our stomachs, always watching.”

Wheein groaned at that through a mouthful of chicken. “I don’t want to think about that. Let’s talk about something else!”

Yongsun perked up. “Let’s pick stage names.” Smiled at Byulyi. “I bet I know what Byul’s is going to be.”

The lightness of her voice and smile was almost enough to pick Byulyi up off the ground.

-DAFFODIL::THE SUN IS ALWAYS SHINING WHEN I AM WITH YOU-

Hours later, Yongsun tied up the last of the trash. She’d elected to clean up so the younger girls could sleep, but when she looked up, Byulyi was still sitting in the living room, deep in thought.

“Byul-ah.”

The other girl twitched and turned to face her, a smile forcing its way onto her face. Not fast enough for Yongsun to miss the crinkle in her brow. Something was wrong.

“Thanks for cleaning up Unnie, sorry I was spacing out there. Thinking about the future and all that, y’know?”

Yongsun considered her words for a moment. She had an itching feeling Byulyi was trying to bottle up all her emotions and bury them in her heart again. “Help me take this downstairs.”

“Ah, right.” The younger girl scrambled to her feet and grabbed one of the bags. “I can’t believe we ate so much.”

Yongsun snorted. “I can.”

They tossed the bags in the receptacle downstairs and Byulyi turned on her heel to go back when she felt a hand grab her arm. “Let’s go to the river.”

Byulyi stalled. So Yongsun had noticed, of course she did. Byulyi had never been very good at hiding when she was upset. But this once she’d hoped the others would be blissfully ignorant of her troubles. Yongsun knew Byulyi didn’t like to talk if something was bothering her. Sometimes she let her be. This was not one of those times.

Sensing her hesitation, Yongsun tugged on her arm to let her know she was not allowed to refuse.

“…Okay.” Byulyi relents

They made the trip there in silence. Byulyi had only a myriad of emotions swirling in her head, giving none of her thoughts a name and never lingering on one for too long. She knew she would break if she were to face them.

Yongsun sat them down when they reached their usual spot, a bench overlooking the river. She turned to the younger girl and noted how the glittering lights reflected in the water danced in Byulyi’s eyes like twinkling stars. She got right to the point.

“Byul-ah, there’s something bothering you.”

Cold silence as Byulyi continued to stare at the moving water. Yongsun knew she was heard, so she waited.

“Why would he do this to me?” Byulyi grinds out at last. She’d been trying to hold it together all day. “I…I wanted to sing.” Her voice trembles and finally she feels everything she’d been trying to avoid washing over her. Pain, disappointment, worthlessness. “What am I even doing here?”

Yongsun bit her lip, not sure how to proceed. She couldn’t say she didn’t see this coming when they were given their assignments, but for some reason she didn’t think Byulyi would take it this hard. Byulyi was self-aware, she knew she wasn’t a powerhouse. But Yongsun knew, that wasn’t everything when it came singing. Byulyi’s voice was the warmth of sunshine on a chilly day, it was the rustle of leaves in the wind, it was curling up in bed for just five more minutes. Did Byulyi know this?

Right now, however, she didn’t need forced sympathy or empty words. Yongsun just didn’t know what Byulyi did need. All she could do was be honest.

“I don’t know what exactly he has planned,” She began carefully, “But I know he doesn’t do things like this haphazardly.” She suddenly grabbed Byulyi’s hand, making the other girl jump. “I think he see’s something in you that you don’t.”

She turned to face the river at the same time the Byulyi finally looked up. “Doors are opening for us Byul. Even if…what is behind the door isn’t what we expected. It doesn’t mean it’s not still good.” She gripped her hand tighter. “And you’re not alone. I’ll be there, and Wheein and Hyejin too. You don’t see what wonderful things you have to offer right now because you’re upset he’s shutting you down. And you’re right to be upset. And maybe…maybe that’s his mistake.” Byulyi opens her mouth but she’s not sure what she wants to say. Yongsun’s words aren’t very sensible but somehow the awkwardness of it all makes her feel a bit better.

“What if whatever he sees in me isn’t actually there?”

Yongsun holds her gaze and speaks like she’s telling the truth. “It is there. I can see it too.”

Byulyi feels a hole open in her chest and swallow her up.

–

When she locks herself up in the bathroom that night, Byulyi doesn’t do it so she can cry. She lifts her shirt above her head and stares at her bare torso.

There, right below her sternum where bone gives way to soft flesh, a beautiful, blooming daffodil.

-MAGNOLIA::NOBILITY-

“How did you know what was happening that one time?” Byulyi asks once. They’re walking along the Han river. Things are peaceful, quiet.

“How did I know what?” Yongsun peers at her curiously.

“That time, with the flowers.” Byulyi kicks a pebble off the sidewalk. The incident was months ago, but sometimes Byulyi still dreams of chrysanthemums.

Yongsun is quiet for so long Byulyi thinks she made her mad, their delicate new friendship over before it could really even begin.

Finally, the older girl speaks. “That’s a very personal question, you know.”

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-“

“But it’s not even my story really.” Yongsun smiles in a way that says ‘you’re forgiven, even if you didn’t do anything wrong’.

“My sister had it when I was 16. It was a magnolia. It was so beautiful on her, I was almost jealous. But then after a while she started coughing, and then the petals, it was endless. Our house smelled like them for months.” Yongsun chuckles humorlessly. “She was dying. She had it for almost half a year.”

Byulyi’s lips turn down at the thought. “That’s such a long time.”

“She told me, when it first bloomed, she had never felt more alive. But then she started coughing, and by the end of it she said every breath felt like drowning.”

Byulyi doesn’t know what to say at that implication. “Is she…”

“She got the surgery.” Yongsun smiles at her reassuringly. “She wanted to keep it so bad, even though it was killing her. But my parents begged and begged because they couldn’t lose her.” Yongsun huffed a sigh. “She got the surgery and month after that she left for England and she hasn’t been back since.”

Byulyi ponders over her words. “Was she still sad?”

Yongsun shrugs. “I don’t know. She only told me how it felt to have the flower removed.”

“What did she say?”

Yongsun gazes out onto the soft ripples of the river, glinting gold in the sunset hues. “She said it felt like she was finally free.”

-

Yongsun blinks her eyes open to golden hour. The sun is streaming through their thin curtains but she knows it won’t last long. She never liked how fast it got dark in winter.

It was a rare full weekend off for them, their last break, the CEO warned them, before things really started. Wheein and Hyejin had elected make a trip home since their next vacation would probably be a long while off. Yongsun didn’t really need to go out of her way to see her parents, and while Byulyi’s family was a little far off, she didn’t really feel the need to see them either.

Yongsun was spends the Saturday snoozing, but now she’s awake. Awake, and hungry. The camera over the fridge had literally been on their diets like a hawk, but since today was a break, Yongsun saw no harm in sneaking out for a bite. Byulyi would probably even come with her.

She rolled out of bed, the girl’s name on her lips when she noticed how quiet the apartment was. Usually around this time she could at least hear Byulyi tapping away on her computer, or a soft song drifting from her tablet.

Maybe Byul was taking a nap too?

She walked over to Byulyi and Wheein’s room, the door creaked open so she could see the corner of the bunk bed. No lump on top, no sleeping Byulyi. Maybe she already went out. Yongsun was about to leave it at that when she noticed movement in the room. So Byulyi was still home.

For whatever reason, the quiet atmosphere, her curiosity, a little bit of mischievousness, Yongsun decided not to make her presence known. She crept up to peer at a better angle through the door and her breath was swept from her lungs, constraining her throat, choking her.

There was Byulyi standing tall and lean, completely naked but for a pair of panties, staring at herself in their full-length mirror. Yongsun shouldn’t have been shaken by the experience, she’d seen Byulyi naked plenty of times before, but something about the atmosphere, the golden tint of the afternoon, the way it gave Byulyi’s dark hair a halo of amber, it seemed like not only was Byulyi’s body uncovered but it seemed like her soul was also stripped bare.

Yongsun’s eyes were locked on the vision of Moon Byulyi, her pale skin, her thin, too thin, legs, the smooth plane of her back but for the dimples above her waist, and in the reflection of the mirror, her flat stomach, her not-quite-full breasts, and there, in the middle, a-

She gasps.

Byulyi’s eyes lock on hers through the mirror and she throws up her arms to hide her front. “Unnie!”

“B-byul!” Solar feels a bit light-headed. “I was just, if you were awake I was going to ask if you wanted to get something to eat. Sorry I didn’t know you weren’t dressed, um, I’ll-“

Byulyi looks at her like she wants to talk and Yongsun absolutely does not want that.

“I’ll just go and you can text me if you feel like eating something. Bye Byul.” She slips the door shut and grabs her keys before dashing out the front door.

-

Byulyi feels herself dying. She feels the old parts of herself decaying and breaking off and they’re being replaced with parts that love the sun, parts have dark desires, parts that don’t know what it is to live without love.

-

“Dohoon-nim.” She ducks her head as she enters his office. There’s steely resolution in her eyes that makes him immediately set his notebook aside and focus all on her.

“What is it, Byulyi?”

She takes a deep breath, and lets the words spill out of her mouth before the tears spill out of her eyes.

“I need to get surgery.”

-

Yongsun comes home after three hours of wandering around and the food is cold in her hand. Byulyi doesn’t mind, and sits in the living room to eat with her and she smiles and jokes and laugh and they don’t talk about it that night.

Or the next.

Or the next.

And so a year passes, they debut, they rise, they cry, they learn to love each other more and more each day, and Byulyi has not laid herself bare again.

Yongsun has a dark anxiety burrowing itself in the deepest parts of her mind. Most of it comes from worrying about how she can make the group succeed, how she can make sure to not let anyone down, especially the girls she loves.

The rest of it comes from Byulyi’s crooked smile and flirty touches, and the knowledge that there’s a precious, perfect daffodil in full bloom and it didn’t bloom for her. She wonders why it bothers her.

-

Byulyi steps out of the surgery in a daze. It was all very anti-climatic. She knew it was a simple procedure, but for something that felt like it was woven to her entire existence to be removed so easily…Well, she doesn’t know what to think.

She lifts her gown to stare at the 5cm stitch where her flower once was. There’s no hopelessness, or despair, or loneliness or depression like her heart told her there would be if the flower disappeared. Instead, somehow, she just knows how to live again. She vaguely recalls how, when the flower had bloomed, she’d forgotten what her life was like before it. She traces the sensitive skin around her center. Who was she before she loved Yongsun?

I am Moon Byulyi.

She was free.

–

The thing about reciprocal relationships, ones that bear fruit, is that there is no easy way out. If your flowers end up wilting, dying, you both can only watch and wait. The hardest part, is that it usually never happens at the same time. You watch the love disappear from their eyes and your heart dies with their flower. And when your own flower wilts, because eventually it will, with no love to nurture it, you have to do all you can to sow the cockles of your heart so that one day, it may be healed enough to grow love once again.

If the flower is surgically removed, there is no heartache, there is no healing, there is simply nothing left at all.

–

Things are easy, they are incredibly easy after Byulyi no longer has the burden of love.

Yongsun is still her best friend. When she holds her close and smiles in her hair, it’s because she loves Yongsun, she loves Yongsun the most, but she’s not in love with her. She knows Yongsun loves her back in the same way. That’s what makes things easy.

When Yongsun agrees to be on We Got Married, Byulyi is apprehensive, but only because Yongsun’s a bit of an airhead and she always wants to protect her. But Yongsun squeezes her hand after the announcement and tells her it’ll be fine, so Byulyi smiles and lets her go.

But then things aren’t so easy anymore.

Figuring out what to do with her free time is stressful. Watching Eric Nam on TV is stressful. Sitting on a panel after working with no sleep is stressful. Listening to MCs ask and tease is stressful. Not being with Yongsun is stressful. The heavy weight of a growing love is stressful.

Byulyi feels a panic when she thinks about it too hard and there’s a familiar itch in her chest that she doesn’t want to acknowledge.

-LILY-OF-THE-VALLEY::THE RETURN OF HAPPINESS-

“You know you’re probably going to win.”

Yongsun makes eye contact with Byulyi’s reflection in the dressing room mirror. “I don’t know that.” She says a little more firmly than she meant to. “The other couples were more comfortable with each other.” She returns to fixing her makeup but she can almost feel Byulyi’s stare burning holes into her chest.

After minutes of silence Byulyi finally breaks.

“You look beautiful.” She says quietly, but her voice is tense.

Yongsun dabs at her lipstick on more time and finally swivels around. “Let me see your phone.”

Byulyi lifts and eyebrow but hands it to her without further question. Yongsun types in the password (their debut date, what a dork) and open’s Byulyi’s gallery. She swipes through a couple of photos before settling on one and handing the phone back to its owner.

“I like this picture. You should post it later.”

Byulyi looks at her screen. It’s a picture they had taken before the opening ceremony started, when they were still fresh in their red carpet outfits, her in her white suit and Yongsun in a white dress (a dress not unlike the one she was wearing now). In fact, the two of them looked a bit like…

Byulyi swallows. Well, they looked good is all. She grins and pockets the phone in her leather jacket.

“You picked a good one.” She smiles, more relaxed now.

Yongsun smiles back. “I picked the best.”

And there it is again, the familiar twinging in her chest. Byulyi knows she should be scared of it, knows she should be trying to suffocate the feeling, but the little moments it brings her feel right. It makes her feel happy.

The voice of their manager rings through the door partnered with a couple of knocks. “Yongsun we have to go!”

Yongsun scrambles to get her jacket and Byulyi follows her lead, grabbing the older girl’s coffee as they exit the dressing room.

Byulyi follows her all the way outside. She’s only wearing her jacket from their performance and it’s biting cold, but all her senses seem dulled watching Yongsun being rushed into the car like a runaway bride. She suddenly remembers the drink in her hand.

“Unnie, your coffee-“ she raises the cup.

But the door is already closed. Yongsun looks at her from the tinted windows and grins. She points at Byulyi and cups her palms and makes a blowing gesture. Then she waves.

You keep it, it’s warm. Go back inside.

A cold wind brushes against Byulyi’s neck and she doesn’t have to be told twice. She skitters back through the glass doors, but turns around to watch Yongsun’s car pull away, off to accept that best couple award, she’s sure of it.

When the car is completely out of sight she shuffles back to the dressing room. Byulyi feels hot all over but she’s sure it isn’t because of the coffee, or the warmth of the indoors. The room is empty, Wheein and Hyejin probably off visiting friends. She locks the door and strips down to her undershirt. She lifts it slowly up, stopping when she sees it.

And she starts crying. Byulyi wishes she at least had the temperance to be mad at herself. Instead, a mix of joy, despair, and relief wash over her in a tide. She wonders, what are the chances that she’d fall for the same person twice? But she thinks of Yongsun she knew it was only inevitable.

When she sees the lily-of-the-valley bells printed gently on her chest, it seems to be saying to her, welcome home.

-POPPY::IMAGINATION-

Eric invites her out to dinner that night, her and the entire production crew. Yongsun is honestly exhausted from performing and being shuffled between events but it would be rude to refuse. She tells herself she’ll stay for half an hour and have one drink, and then she can go home and finally sleep.

She’s honored by the award, really, and all the people she worked with were great, but even through the months they spent filming, Yongsun never quite felt comfortable.

In fact, right now she might even be feeling a little uncomfortable. She had been sipping on some beer, making small talk and congratulating crew members, when Eric slid next to her, arm loosely hanging on the back of her chair.

“Hey.” He says lowly, smiling at her.

“Hey.” She smiles back. She’d been a bit flushed from the alcohol, but the way he’s looking at her now it’s sobering. There’s a beat of silence and Yongsun debates if she should chug the rest or her drink or just leave. Eric is giving her a look, and she doesn’t even feel shame when she half-wishes she was receiving that look from someone else.

He fingers the rim of his glass. “Yongsun.” He smiles when he says her name. Yongsun can’t help but feel this is horribly unfair. He leans forward and she leans back. “What do you think of poppies?”

There it is. Yongsun can only stare at him with wide eyes and after seconds, Eric realizes it isn’t an expression of wonder. It was more like she was caught in the headlights, trapped. He jerks backwards and places his palms on his thighs, just to feel some sort of stability. “Would you-“

Yongsun downs the rest of her drink and twists out of her chair and he’s staring at her shoes now, question caught in his throat.

He wishes he couldn’t hear her gentle voice when she says, “I don’t think about them. Not at all. I’m sorry, Eric.”

And she leaves.

–

Yongsun enters her apartment with a slight headache. From the alcohol, from Eric, from tempering her own feelings for who knows how long. When she sees the sneakers in her foyer, the pressure lessens a bit.

Yongsun looks around her living room and there she is. Byulyi in a large t-shirt, soundly sleeping on her couch. She must be exhausted, because Yongsun wasn’t exactly discreet coming in and Byulyi hadn’t even stirred. The older woman is mindful about being quieter as she moves closer to her unexpected guest. She doesn’t know why her best friend is here, but she can’t complain when just the sight of Byulyi sleeping soundly relieves some of Yongsun’s own stress.

Yongsun squats in front of her sleeping figure and just, allows herself to stare, indulge in the peace that Byulyi’s presence brings her. Then she notices redness around Byulyi’s eyes.

Was she that tired? Or had she been…crying?

The image of Eric’s broken expression resurfaces and she’ll blame it on the alcohol another day, but Yongsun knows inside that the real reason she peeked under Byulyi’s shirt that night was pure desperation.

She never would have expected this. It’d been almost three years since that tempestuous evening that when she suffocated her heart, shut it down because she knew it would betray her and catch feelings if she let it breathe.

But this flower, this beautiful, delicate thing, was not the same. Yongsun feels a wave of nausea at the knowledge that at some point, Byulyi’s daffodil (she remembered it clearly) had withered away, and while she had been playing pretend with Eric Nam, Byulyi had gone and fallen in love again.

–

“It will take me a long time to fall in love, but once I do, I will only think about that person.” Byulyi says when they’re asked about their ideal types.

Yongsun thinks about Byulyi’s two flowers, thinks about how Byulyi has fallen in love, deep and true, two times already and she thinks, liar.

-SCARLET ZINNIA::CONSTANCY-

“Have you ever bloomed?”

Wheein pauses from toying with Ggomo. She deliberates for a moment but decides Byulyi deserves her honesty. “Yes.”

Byulyi jerks out of her dreamy state. “What, for real?”

Wheein gives her a look. “Yes for real, is that so hard to believe?”

“I just – I didn’t mean that. You, it’s just that you…well…what happened then?”

Instead of answering, Wheein asks, “Do you want to see it?”

Byulyi’s mouth drops open but she nods.

Wheein shifts closer to Byulyi and starts to gather the ends of her shirt and sweater. Ggomo scurries off with a toy when he realizes Wheein won’t play with him anymore.

Byulyi feels like Wheein is deliberately taking her time and at last, she sees it. A single, red flower, vibrant and clear against Wheein’s pale skin.

“What is it?” Byulyi murmurs in awe at how alive it is.

“Scarlet zinnia.” When Byulyi doesn’t say anything more, Wheein answers the unasked question floating in the air. “It’s for Hyejin.”

Byulyi eyebrows shoot upwards. She’d thought she was just speaking random thoughts on another one of their beer nights but Wheein seemed keen on blindsiding her. “I didn’t even notice…”

“There’s nothing to notice, we’re not together or anything.”

Strike three. Byulyi felt as if her brain was short circuiting. Why was it that Wheein could sometimes be so obtuse?

“Close your mouth Unnie, you’ll catch flies.” Wheein gives her a cheeky smile. “But if you’re worried, Hyejinnie does have one for me too. If you ask her nicely she might even show you.”

Byulyi’s mind is reeling. Wheein and Hyejin, they did it. They’ve bloomed and they did it perfectly for each other, but…

“How long? Why aren’t you guys together then?”

“Probably six years now.” Wheein shrugs. “I don’t know. We’re a little weird like that I guess.” Wheein rolls her shirt back down. “I just know that people come and go and they’re amazing, but at the end of days, it’s me and Hyejinnie, forever. I guess it’s something like I don’t need to be with her, but I can’t live without her.”

Byulyi nods like she understands, some things, not everything. “I don’t think I would ever be able to do that.”

Wheein looks at Byulyi and sees her endless devotion and bleeding heart and hums in agreement.

–

It haunts her. For days and nights she lays awake and Byulyi just exists next to her like she isn’t tearing her apart inside. How is it fair that Byulyi can have someone she loves and cherishes more than her? How can Byulyi devote all her time to Yongsun when she desires someone else? These thoughts whirl around her like a tornado, it’s impossible for her to do anything else.

They sitting across from each other at her coffee table, writing (or trying to), and she can feel Byulyi’s foot occasionally brush against her thigh.

“You touch me a lot.”

“I touch everyone a lot.”

“I know you touch me more.”

“Do you know?” Byulyi smiles and her eyes are playful but Yongsun feels like she’s just been thrust in limbo. She presses on.

“You spend too much time with me.” What about the person you’re in love with? Yongsun keeps that to herself.

“I only have you, Unnie.” Byulyi says easily.

Liar liar liar.

Yongsun breaks it.

“Then what about your flower?”

Byulyi freezes. All too late, Yongsun wishes she kept her big mouth shut.

“I had it removed.”

That information does nothing to quell the swirling at the pit of Yongsun’s stomach.

“I mean the new one. Your lilies.” Byulyi’s eyes flash and she clenches her fist. Any warm left in between them dissipates.

“How do you know about that?” No one should have seen, because she had been careful this time.

Yongsun tries not to feel like a horrible person but the fact is, she forced herself into Byulyi’s life, breached some unspoken taboo and peeked upon Byulyi’s most tender, vulnerable self. Apologies come tumbling out like excuses. “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry Byulyi but I had to know and it was killing me inside and Eric said he had poppies and-“

“Eric?” Byuly interrupted. Yongsun’s mouth slams shut. “He bloomed for you?” Byulyi gathers her hair in her hands, mind reeling. “Wow…Wow, isn’t that just great.” Byulyi gasps. But it’s not great. It’s the worst. She was just a single flower in a garden of dozens, one that was stupid enough to think that the sun shined only for her.

Yongsun doesn’t know how it’s been turned to her. “Why are you saying that? It’s not great at all. I didn’t want it. I don’t want it.”

On any normal day, the sight of Yongsun’s tears would make Byulyi immediately run to her side and embrace her, to keep her safe and surround her with love, hidden but true.

Seeing them now though, after Yongsun ripped her heart open for no reason other than just to see what was inside, she feels like everything is shutting down. Her brain can’t form a coherent thought and every piece of her feels like it’s about to collapse when she feels a crushing pressure in her chest and she knows. This is it, she thinks, I should have gotten rid of it. Even though she knew absolutely this time, that she wouldn’t be able to kill her flower a second time. That this time, she would die with it if she had to. This is my love and this is my curse.

She feels the brush of velvet against the back of her throat and just as she’s about to let everything out, Yongsun erupts first.

-JONQUIL::DESIRE FOR AFFECTION RETURNED-

Yongsun sees it coming from miles away. She thinks it would have been here sooner, if only she hadn’t been in vehement denial, if she didn’t have so much pride. It’s been ready to since the first time she saw Byulyi’s chest.

Yongsun finds it a little funny that every time she see’s Byulyi’s flower, it catalyzes her own hopeless feelings. It’s as if for whatever reason, her heart is eager to bloom just so it can die.

She gently replaces Byulyi’s shirt and sits on her heels. The room hangs in still silence, but for the occasional hiccup of Yongsun’s shoulders. Eventually she takes a deep breath, wipes away the wetness left on her cheeks, and prods awake her sleeping beauty.

Byulyi startles awake, her eyes immediately landing on the woman in front of her. She smiles serenely like she has a secret, an answer. “Yong, you’re back. I didn’t mean to fall asleep here.”

Yongsun pats her knee. “You need to sleep when you can. Go to bed, I’ll be there after I clean up.”

Byulyi nods wearily, takes Yongsun’s hand and squeezes it. “I brought some food in case you haven’t eaten yet.” Her eyes crinkle into a smile but it only accentuates the redness around eyes. Yongsun is endlessly curious why she was crying but she can’t bring herself to pry, not now.

“Congratulations tonight.” Byulyi murmurs.

Yongsun stares at their clasped hands and squeezes back. “Go to bed Byul.”

Yongsun rises and heads to the kitchen as Byulyi shuffles to her bedroom. She pops open the takeout container and it’s, of course, her favorite comfort food. She takes one small bite at a time, not really thinking about anything except Byulyi walking her to the door, Byulyi buying her favorite food, Byulyi waiting for her to come home, Byulyi’s sleepy smile, Byulyi’s cluster of lily-of-the-valleys.

The next bite she tastes is weirdly salty. It sucks her out of her spiraling thoughts and she realizes she’s crying again. Yongsun places her chopsticks down and leans back, sniffles to hold it together, and hopes Byulyi fell asleep again so that maybe she hadn’t heard. Yongsun places the rest of the food in the fridge and washes off her face in the bathroom. She doesn’t peer closely at her chest when she changes, doesn’t even glance. She doesn’t run her fingers over her chest. She doesn’t stare in awe and elation.

Yongsun climbs into bed. Byulyi had been asleep, but feeling the older girl’s movements, shifted sideways before wrapping Yongsun in a hug and sighing contentedly.

Yongsun breathes out the rest of her tears. They’ve been dried by the warmth of Byulyi’s embrace. As she feels her consciousness drifting, she tries to pretend that nothing has changed, but she knows it, feels it. It reverberates throughout her entire being.

Something in her has bloomed. It sings out desperately, love me, love me, love me too.

–

The room is flooded with yellow petals, floating around so gently Byulyi is convinced that time has slowed. Suddenly she’s back in the dressing room, eyes wide in terror as chrysanthemums swirl around her. Suddenly, she’s looking in the mirror after falling in love for the first time.

 Byulyi leaps across the table to Yongsun’s side. The older woman is gagging on the seemingly endless stream of petals but she somehow struggles to say Byul.

Byulyi has no idea what to do. After all these years, after having flowers of her own, her mind’s shut down again and she’s only uselessly clinging to Yongsun’s arms. Byulyi opens her mouth to say something, anything, but instead white shells of petals spill out.

Yongsun’s eyes squeezed shut from crying and coughing, Byulyi has never felt more confused and distraught.

She seals Yongsun’s mouth the only way she’s ever wanted to.

–

Yongsun’s world is fragrant, blind, and suffocating. And suddenly it isn’t. Suddenly, it smells of something crisp, light, soft, and undeniably Byulyi. And the torrent of emotions coming out of her stops. Everything stops.

Byulyi is kissing her.

The younger woman pulls away as frantically as she leant in. There’s renegade petal on her cheek but Byulyi doesn’t feel the smothered by them anymore. Yongsun sucks in a breath and the passage is clear. She stares, wide-eyed at Byulyi, who’s expression perfectly mirrors her own.

The last of her petals float innocently to the ground. The world is still again. They stare.

How is it that her months of doubt could be swept away so easily in this moment of clarity? Yongsun needs to hear it, to convince herself it could be real. “Please,” She breaks the spell, “Please tell me you love me too.”

Byulyi collapses into herself and lets her tears well up with her laughter. It’s joy, pure bliss. “Don’t you know, Yongsun?”

Yongsun wipes her eyes with the backs of her hands. “Please tell me.”

“You make me happy.” She takes one of Yongsun’s hands and feels her grin split when the older woman laces their fingers together.

“You complete me.” She takes the other hand.

“I love you.” Byulyi leans forward, Yongsun meets her halfway, and they seal it with a kiss.