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actuallyjustabiscuit · 17 days ago

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Kinger is Cursed With the Consequences of His Actions, and That's What's Making Him Crazy

Oh yes! The character we've all officially designated as Pomni’s new papa has got me reminiscing about another silly crackpot monarch who is actually an intelligent man in his late forties, an identity that has been buried so deep within the recesses of his altered mind that it can only emerge through special circumstances of which he has no control. But I know I'm not the only one who's made connections between him and Simon Petrikov from Adventure Time.

Btw did you know that they're also nearly the same age?

Yeah, this comparison has already been made by plenty of people. But if I may, I'd like to point out one other similarity that I've noticed; the fact that both of these men tragically lost the love of their lives, yet even in their broken minds the love they felt for them is still remembered fondly.

But, what if Kinger was also indirectly responsible for losing Queenie?

So........what exactly causes someone to abstract?

Of course, this would be an important question considering it's baked into the premise of the show itself, but I find it to be particularly relevant when dissecting Kinger's character because if we only assume that abstraction occurs when a human loses their mind, then how is someone like him still hanging around the Circus?

He’s been trapped there the longest, how long exactly is yet to be confirmed, but it’s safe to say that all those years haven't been kind to him. In the pilot he’s characterized as extremely erratic and forgetful, getting easily startled because his spatial awareness and object permanence are practically nonexistent nor can he retain previously established information for very long. On top of that, he regularly spouts nonsense that seemingly has nothing to do with the current situation. Because of this, his general demeanor tends to range between ridiculous to downright frustrating to the other characters.

So it’s no wonder that his fellow humans have more or less dismissed him as just being insane.

But I think this is a completely reductive view of this poor man because Kinger’s got that “he’s a little confused, but he’s got the spirit” energy that I love about him.

I think this is one of the more adorable aspects of Kinger's character; he's always trying to help. He tries his absolute darndest.

And what makes me sad is that, with the way that he is, he has such little control over how much he can actually help the people he clearly cares a lot about.

In Mystery of Mildenhall Manor, it's revealed that Kinger's lucidity is apparently affected by his exposure to darkness. How this works exactly is a bit inconsistent as we've had scenes of him in complete darkness and still acting pretty goofy.

However, based on my observations, I believe the change is not instantaneous. Like, he doesn't immediately become the Kinger we see in the adventure with Pomni if he is suddenly enveloped in darkness. I think what primarily plays a part is the amount of time he spends in darker settings. The segments we get with Kinger and Pomni are significantly dimmer compared to the rest of the episode, and we even get hints of Kinger progressively becoming more logical before we get to the cellar.

I’ve also noticed a small pattern in which he prefaces these brief moments of clarity with “I think…”.

This could be completely unrelated, but I find it interesting that Kinger's big advice to Pomni on how to overcome something difficult is to try "not thinking about it". I may be reading too much into this specific bit of phrasing but I feel that it's worth noting if this really is the mentality he lives by, because this is the advice he gives her when he's in two totally different states of mind.

Anyway, it turns out that when this silly man finally gets a good grasp on himself again, he’s actually extremely competent. Kinger shooting down the angel is a pretty obvious example of him being a BAMF, but I want to give these two moments a bit of focus.

I like the idea that Kinger has been in the Circus long enough to become so familiar with his weird digital body that he uses his detachable parts and disembodied hands to his advantage. It’s just a neat little detail because we get a taste of just how capable Kinger can be in this world if it wasn’t for his handicap.

And what really sucks is that the amount of time it takes for him to regain his sanity in the dark is really disproportionate to the amount of time it takes for him to lose it when back in bright environments.

Take the scene where Kinger is having a conversation with Ragatha in Candy Carrier Chaos with the bucket on his head for example, which definitely foreshadows this detail since it's the first time we hear him speaking more sensibly.

and then this happens

Notice how he taps the handle of the bucket? Like he's realizing that he does, in fact, have a bucket on his head that's obscuring his vision, before lifting it off of his face and going right back to responding in the way we've come to expect from Kinger.

It makes me wonder if Kinger has ever tried to tell the other's about this, but just couldn't. Ragatha clearly isn't aware of it despite having known him the longest out of any of the current residents of the Circus. And Kinger himself can't seem to pinpoint when exactly he shifts between sane and insane. Like a man who blacks out and feeling ashamed of his drunken actions when he sobers up again, despite having no control or awareness in the moment.

Describing Kinger's usual behavior when not in darkness as a "blackout" is pretty ironic, but I think it fits beautifully because it perfectly explains his short-term memory loss. Or I guess it would be more accurate to call it a "brownout". Either way, the point is that his memory becomes more obscured when he's in the light.

As for what initially caused this impairment, we still don't know.

I also don't want to get too clinical with Kinger's "symptoms" because I am in no way schooled enough to diagnose a fictional character who has only had a single episode focused on him.

But even just one episode proved to be very enlightening (...heh...see...see what I did there? Enlight-eh forget it) because after comforting a freshly traumatized Pomni, our girl interacts with Kinger at his most coherent long enough to learn some very crucial information.

It seems that the abstracted humans are not inherently dangerous, at least not when secluded in darkness, which Kinger was fortunate enough to witness with his own wife before they were separated (not legally, divorce doesn't exist in the Circus).

I've made this connection in another post I made, but yeah I really do think that it's the Circus' garish lights that make the abstracted so aggressive. I mean when you have that many eyes, that shit would aggravate the hell out of you.

But now comes the real question, and I'm tying it back to the one I made at the start, what made Queenie abstract in the first place?

How very convenient, Kinger. How did Jax put it, "gotta keep the mystery alive"?

Well, I'm playing detective here and I say you're the key suspect!

That's right! I'm accusing you! But unlike Baron Moldydick's crime, it twasn't homicide.

Yeah, everyone has picked up on how Mildenhall killing his wife acts as a parallel to what Kinger may or may not have done to Queenie. But I don't think it's as cut and dry as Kinger losing his mind and then somehow putting Queenie in direct danger as a result.

No, I like to think that it's definitely a bit more complicated than that.

It's not clear when exactly Kinger began losing his mind, but I certainly believe it had everything to do with losing Queenie. And it would actually be a pretty fun bit of character design if it does because in chess the King becomes most vulnerable when the Queen is taken off the board.

I know we all want to imagine that Queenie had existed alongside the other characters sometime before Pomni's arrival, but based on what we're given in canon, I'm starting to think that was highly unlikely. Because if everyone knew who Queenie was, then they would also deduce that Kinger wasn't always the way that he is now. I just don't get the impression from everyone else that they know about Kinger's dual state of mind. Otherwise, it'd be kind of awful that they wouldn't do more to help him if they were aware of this fact.

Kinger has always been crazy to them because all they know is that he's been in the Circus longer than anyone else. Which really goes to show how little they truly understand one another despite having only each other for company.

And it's not like they don't care enough (well, except maybe Jax) to want to understand and be there for each other, but it's almost like they are never given enough opportunities to really...bond.

And yeah, unfortunately, a lot of it has to do with each of these characters having their own hang-ups that keep them from doing just that. It's not just Caine constantly shoving them into his adventures to distract them.

Ragatha is dishonest with her feelings

Gangle is insecure when her mask breaks

Jax hates being vulnerable

and Zooble is never comfortable in their own skin (or at least their body's equivalent of skin)

I don't want to downplay it either, these are real issues that need consistent work. These people need help and the only one really capable of supplying that is a little broken himself.

This is why it's so fortunate that Pomni was with Kinger when he started speaking more sensibly. She has already displayed a remarkable level of emotional maturity with Gummigoo, but that's because Gummigoo was the one in need of reassurance at that moment. When exposed to problems far worse than your own, your problems in some way appear much more manageable in comparison. Pomni may be trapped, but Gummigoo doesn't even get the luxury of existing outside of what he was made for. That alone gave Pomni the confidence to live in spite of her circumstances and inspire someone else to do the same.

But it's hard to maintain that confidence when your new support system gets literally deleted right in front of you.

It's ok tho! Thanks to participating in Kaufmo's funeral, Pomni begins to open herself up to the others more, which allows her to have...some faith in her new friends. This is especially good when she gets to finally break down for a minute with Kinger because honestly, it's amazing she's held herself marginally together this whole time without crying at least once.

Pomni experiences her (so far) all-time low, and this segues to Kinger sharing his.

It's pretty terrible, losing someone. The previous episode pretty much forced that onto Pomni. How exactly do you completely move on from something like that? Well see that's the neat part, you don’t. In fact, Kinger even alludes to how you shouldn't. Even though the memory of losing Queenie is painful, it's what anchors him. He lost Queenie, but he still has everyone else, and he refuses to give up on them. So despite his mind constantly working against him, he does what he can to help his friends. In his own clumsy and confused way, he's there for them.

To me, abstracting isn't going insane. It's giving up. Giving up on yourself and giving up on others. It's easy to get to that point without the occasional necessary affirmation that you shouldn't give up.

This was the hardest lesson Kinger had to learn in the Circus. And he's doing his best to get the others to understand as well. But Kaufmo's recent abstraction proves how unsuccessful he's been.

Thankfully, Pomni takes it immediately to heart.

This is crucial, not just for Pomni's development, but for everyone else. Kinger even assures that it's more important for Pomni to remember than for him to not forget. That's why her name is more than just an ironic punchline, it's meant to represent her purpose in the story. As long as she remembers, hold on to the good, she'll get through it. Kinger is putting just as much faith in her practicing what he just preached as she is in letting him lead her through hell.

Oh no I've made more biblical allegories! The Pomni is Jesus theories are winning!!!

Ok but in all seriousness, we see just how much Kinger's words influenced Pomni's actions in Fast Food Masquerade. It's all but said that Gangle was close to abstracting towards the end of the adventure.

Yeah she’s about to turn into an eldritch horror, but c’mon we’ve all been there after a long shift.

Trying to talk things out didn't work, so Pomni then took a more practical approach to helping her.

Something as simple as allowing Gangle to get some rest and verbally reminding her that she doesn't have to handle things on her own. It's almost poetic how although Pomni can't leave the Circus, she's constantly telling others that they can leave and she's going to help them.

And Pomni doesn't save Gangle all on her own either. It was Kinger's insistence to have Zooble take his spot in the adventure that allowed them to witness Gangle's manic-depressive decline. They also had a practical way of showing support by offering to stay past their designated shift and relieve Gangle of the burden of transporting a drunk Ragatha.

Episode 3 really was all about acts of service, wasn't it.

If Zooble wasn't present for that adventure, they wouldn't have had the full context of why Gangle feels like she's not wanted.

Zooble saying "I still like talking to you" carries far more weight than if they had said, "I like talking to you". Especially when Gangle already feels insecure about how honest Ragatha is with her. Zooble got to see Gangle spiral and still accepts her. On top of that they are adamant about calling her their friend despite her doubts. That means something. Everything really.

This is what cherishing someone looks like.

I think Queenie abstracted because, at some point, Kinger began to neglect her. Perhaps he became so obsessed with finding a way out that he forgot what was most important. It's too early to really say if that's how it went down, but it'd be a poignant bullet point to the tragedy that is Kinger.

So I guess the real question is: How does one lose their wife?

Well in the wise words of Cody Martin

#I'm embarrassed with how long this took me to write #I can't believe how long this got #I realize this goes beyond just a Kinger analysis because I sprinkled in some more Pomni analysis as well #Pomni is very important #that's what happens when you're the main character #did I indirectly call Gangle Zooble’s wife #yes yes I did #Mix&Mask all the way #the amazing digital circus #tadc #tadc kinger #tadc pomni #character analysis #biscuit bakes #kinger #pomni #tadc queenie #queenie

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slytherheign · 2 years ago

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FEARLESS | tasm!peter parker

PAIRING: high school senior!tasm!peter parker x high school senior!fem!reader

WORD COUNT: 4.5k

SUMMARY: loving peter in secret for far too long becomes exhausting for you when you think he will never love you back. in order to distract yourself from your growing feelings, you start to follow a friend’s suggestion—not knowing that it will only cause you harm.

WARNINGS: cursing/swearing, manipulation, fire, unhealthy obsession/toxic ex, and canon-typical violence. let me know if i missed any warnings. [⚠︎︎RATING: 16+]

AUTHOR’S NOTE: inspired by taylor swift’s song with the same title + i mixed it with a plot from this request sent by @willowhaired (thanks for requesting! hope it’s okay that i didn’t follow some things in your request. i changed some parts in order to match with taylor’s song). btw, this is angst with happy ending. enjoy reading!

DESTINATION: Sweet Street | GO BACK TO THE STATION. CLICK HERE FOR ALL THINGS FEARLESS (reviews, commentary, etc. about this fic).

“Class dismissed!” you heard your teacher announce. The rain that was pouring down outside was heavy and your eyes widened when you realized that you forgot to bring an umbrella. Your seatmate, Peter Parker, who just happened to be your neighbor and your biggest crush, turned to look at you. He seemed to notice the slight panic in your eyes. “Come with me,” he offered.

“Really?” you asked.

“Well, I have an umbrella and a car. You don’t…” he paused. “Unless you want to walk in the rain by yourself. It’s your choice,” he teased.

“Oh no–please,” you laughed. “I’ll go with you.”

“Come on then,” he said, putting your notebooks in your bag and then picking it up before he stood up. There he was again, being the gentleman that he was, doing the exact same things that made you fall in love with him.

You and Peter weren’t best friends, but you two were close. Being neighbors since you were children played a huge part in that. You would never tell him, but he was actually your first crush. The first boy who made your heart jump since then and until now. When you were 6 years old, you told him you loved him while you two were playing, you were too young to know the deep meaning of the word “love” back then. In response, he told you that he loved you too because you were like a little sister he never had.

You remembered that response as you grew up, always reminding yourself that he would never love you back in the same way you loved him. And because you were too scared to risk and lose the relationship you two had, you were fine with being his little sister as long as it meant getting to be close to him.

It hurt you. Being close to him but never close enough to touch him in the ways you wanted to. You have seen him get in and out of relationships, let him cry on your shoulders when someone broke his heart. You have always been there through ups and downs, offering advice to him for his relationships to work. Little did he know, your heart shattered each and every time.

You had a couple of ex-boyfriends, both of them breaking up with you before the relationship could even last a year. One of those men was Harry Osborn, who just happened to be Peter’s best friend. You were sad, of course, but it was probably better because you knew that you couldn’t give your all to those relationships. You tried to find Peter in those men you dated, and it was probably why those relationships didn’t work out.

Peter opened the umbrella in one hand while his other carried your bag; his bag was on his back. He made a gesture for you to come closer and you did. The rain was harsh but you paid it no mind, there was a glow off the pavement as he walked you to the car. He opened the door for you when he reached the car, and you went in immediately.

The close distance between the two of you and the confined space of the car made the smell of him strongly enter your senses. The sensation of his presence made the hair on your skin stand up unsolicitedly. As you drove down the road, you wondered if he knew just how you were trying so hard not to get caught up with your feelings and just kiss him. He was just so cool, he didn’t even realize how he absentmindedly made you want him when he ran his hands through his hair. God, how could a man be this beautiful?

It could get better than this, you knew that. It could get better than you longing for him behind the curtains. But you were terrified. You were deeply in love with him, but you could never imagine him loving you back.

After that rainy day, Peter offered to drive you home from school daily. You were hesitant, scared that the more time you’d spend with him, the more you’d hurt your heart. But before you could say no, your mouth muttered the opposite of what you wanted to say. You agreed.

You wished for more than the road trips, but for now, you would settle for the slow drives from the school to your home, capturing and remembering every moment you were in his passenger seat.

You knew you could always tell him what you truly felt, but it was always a matter of fear.

If there was one thing Peter knew about his enemies, it was that they always come for the ones he loved the most. That was why he didn’t tell anyone yet that he was in love with you. The only person who knew except himself was his best friend, Harry. He liked to believe that no secrets existed between the two of them. They were inseparable since the first year of high school when they first met each other. Right now, they were seniors and everything remained the same.

He could not be any more wrong. See, Harry was madly in love with you. When you dated him, he felt like the happiest man in the world but he always noticed that you loved another man. And when he saw the way you looked at Peter, he knew. He made plans in secret to hurt the two of you. If he couldn’t have you, then Peter couldn’t have you either.

For a while, he was skeptical of his plan. He didn’t want to do it anymore. He loved you and Peter was his best friend, he didn’t want to continue his plan any longer. Besides, the only thing he knew was that you were in love with Peter, his best friend probably didn’t feel the same towards you…

But then Peter decided to tell him that he was in love with you, and… well, that made him angry.

He decided his plan would continue.

You remained friends with Harry even after breaking up with him. The breakup was mutual and there were no hard feelings. Just yesterday, he made a joke that you have been single for a long time and that you should download a dating app. You disagreed immediately, telling him that you were never a fan of dating apps. But then he said something that changed your mind.

“You should at least try. Surely, you can’t wait for that person forever?”

He definitely knew you were in love with his best friend. And with the tone in his voice when he said that suggestion, it made you think that Peter didn’t feel the same. If there was someone who would know if Peter was in love with someone, it would be Harry. You knew they never kept secrets from each other.

So you did what he suggested. You downloaded a dating app, and in an instant, you were already matched with someone named Nick. You talked to him for months, pretending to be interested in every conversation he tried to start. Nick was nice, you shared a few hobbies and interests but he wasn’t Peter. It was hard to find someone when the only one your heart wanted was Peter.

And then Nick asked to meet up with you. You didn’t want to. You told Harry about it and he said to give it a go. “If you never try, you never know, right? Just wear your best dress and imagine it was Peter,” he advised. You smiled in return, before texting Nick to accept his offer.

A week prior to your meetup, you found yourself constantly texting Nick, just talking about each other’s lives casually.

Can’t wait to see you next week 😉

You chuckled a little bit as you entered Peter’s car. Another school day has ended. Peter entered the car next. You put your phone in your lap as you adjusted your seatbelt.

Just wear your best dress, and I’ll take care of the rest ❤️

Unbeknownst to you, Peter got a glimpse of your text messages. He felt his mood change in an instant, but he tried not to show it to you. However, it was very obvious because he did not talk to you for the whole ride home. He would glance at you every once and a while but you were too busy exchanging messages with Nick on your phone to notice.

“We’re here,” he said with no enthusiasm in his voice. He got out of the car before making his way to your side and opening the door for you. You quickly shut your phone off and got out of the car. “Thank you,” you smiled at him but he just nodded. He didn’t even look into your eyes. Maybe he was just having a bad day, you thought.

You knew something was off when he didn’t walk you up to your door. “Pete, is everything okay?” you asked.

“Huh? uh–yeah. Just having a bad day. Don’t wanna talk about it,” he answered simply.

“Oh okay…” you proceeded to go into your house. Something inside you wanted to go back to him but you stopped yourself before you could even run to where he was standing and hug him right there. He didn’t want to talk about it, he probably wanted to be alone at the moment.

“Thank you!” you yelled, smiling as you waved him goodbye from the door of your house. Peter met your eyes for the first time that day, he smiled a little before waving in return. He left as soon as you closed the door.

“How’s your day?” your mom asked you the moment you closed the door. “All fine,” you smiled, walking towards her before hugging her. “That was Peter again, right? What’s going on between you two?” she teased. You didn’t answer, and instead ran up the stairs and went straight to your room. Your mother laughed at your reaction.

You locked your room and changed into a more comfortable outfit. You repeated your mother’s question in your head as you sat on your bed. What really was going on between you and Peter? To be honest, you didn’t know. You still loved him. Your heart still called his name. Nick was just a distraction—a distraction you hoped would be enough to stop your growing feelings towards Peter.

Suddenly, a notification popped on your phone. A new message from Nick and Harry. You first opened Nick’s message, it was just the location for your meetup next week. The next one you opened was Harry’s.

Did Nick send you an address yet for next week? Can you update me?

You quickly typed a reply.

What a coincidence. He actually just sent me the address but it’s unfamiliar to me. Why do you want to know?

You saw the three dots on your phone that told you he was typing. It stopped for a long while, it was almost like he was contemplating what he was going to send. The dots showed up again after some time until he sent a message.

I think I know where that address is. Should I take you there?

He didn’t answer your question. Nonetheless, you were glad for his offer.

Really, you would do that? Thank you! ❤️

A WEEK LATER.

Peter was doing what he always did, sitting on a rooftop ledge as Spider-Man, looking at the city as he waited for someone who needed his help. Everything was peaceful for a while, it was just him, the wind, and the buzzing noises from cars and people. His eyes caught something familiar. A car heading into a part of New York where not many people went. It didn’t take him a long time to realize that it was Harry’s car. He swung quietly through buildings, settling on one where he could see the car more properly.

There you were, sitting in the passenger seat of a car heading into an almost abandoned part of the town. His senses immediately alerted him of danger. He watched as the car stopped in front of an abandoned house. He saw Harry guiding you into the house and he sneakily entered it from one of the windows. He settled behind a table, a place where he could observe you without you noticing.

You were wearing a black dress that highlighted the shape of your body. You already were beautiful for him, but seeing you in that dress made him aware that you were the most beautiful girl in the world. He could spend his day just staring lovingly at you if it wasn’t for the current situation.

He saw the confusion on your face as you looked around the empty building. It was then the moment Peter realized that today was the day you were meeting up with Nick. The only problem was Nick wasn’t here and it was just an empty building, and he could tell by the look of your face that you were close to panicking.

Just as Peter started to stand up and walk towards you, Harry entered the building with a wide smirk plastered on his face. Peter quickly returned to his hiding position.

You pulled out your phone from your purse and called the number Nick gave you. At the exact same time, you heard someone’s phone ringing in the building. You turned to where the sound was. It came from Harry, he was laughing. And then he showed you a phone in his hand with your name on it as the caller. You ended the phone call, and the ringing on Harry’s phone also stopped.

“Harry, what’s going on?” you started to take a few steps back. “Where’s Nick?”

“There’s no Nick,” he admitted, a sly smile showing on his face. “I made it all up.”

“But–why?” you were starting to tear up. This place was not familiar to you. The more you looked around, the more you realized that escaping was not an option. There was one open window but it was far from your position. There was also a huge fallen table blocking it.

Peter stood up from his position and silently moved closer to where you were. He took advantage of the shadows and his spider-like abilities to move without having any of you notice it. Suddenly, he felt his foot touch a liquid substance. It was gasoline, it came from a hose that was close to his hiding spot. His eyes tried to trace where the hose came from but his spot gave him a limited view. He knew it was from outside the house but he didn’t know exactly where.

In just seconds, the house smelled like gasoline, and the floor was flooded with it. Apparently, the hose that Peter discovered wasn’t the only one. There were a lot scattered around the house and they released the liquid substance at the same time.

“Do you smell that?” Harry snickered. “I know you do. It’s pretty cool, isn’t it? I planned this all by myself. I even installed the hoses.”

“Harry, what the fuck are you doing?” you questioned.

“Taking back what’s mine,” he replied. “I love you, Y/N. I never stopped.”

He stepped closer. “Take me back. Be with me again,” he demanded.

“You’re fucking insane. Get away from me.”

“And if I don’t want to?” he mockingly asked.

“Harry–stop. Please. We’re still friends, right? W-we can still be f-friends,” you shakingly tried to reason out. He only shook his head.

“Say you love me and you can still leave this house breathing,” he warned.

“Harry–”

“Say it.”

You shook your head, frustrated tears were coming out of your eyes.

“Say. It.”

“No–” you whispered.

“No?” he asked.

“No,” you answered sternly. You would rather die than spend your life stuck with him.

“Then you leave me with no choice but to–” he pulled out a lighter from his jacket. Your eyes widened.

Someone from the shadows shot out a web to Harry’s hand, preventing him to move his hand and light the object he held. Spider-Man soon stepped out of the shadows. “Get out, Y/N,” you heard Spider-Man demand you and you instantly ran straight to the door. You didn’t even dare to question how he knew your name.

The door was locked as expected. While Spider-Man and Harry fought, you tried to look around for something that would help you destroy the handle. Your eyes caught a crowbar covered in gasoline laying on the floor close to a wall. You made your way to it cautiously, careful not to let yourself get caught up with Harry and Spider-Man. For a moment, you saw the lighter escape Harry’s hand as Spider-Man punched his face but your focus was on the crowbar so you just let them deal with themselves.

You did your best to hit the door forcefully with the tool when you returned, but it was hard to break since the crowbar was covered in gasoline which made it slip from your hand almost every time. All of a sudden, Harry was able to retrieve the lighter and flicked it. As soon as the fire showed itself, he threw it on the floor.

The next thing you knew, the house was on fire and smoke filled the air. It was getting hard to breathe, even Harry was coughing weakly. You tried to shift your attention to the door again. This time, trying even harder to open it. You kicked, threw your body weight on it, and hit it with the crowbar again, but it only managed to do little to the door.

When the smoke increasingly spread in the house, Spider-Man felt that his mask was suffocating him. To be able to breathe more properly, Peter decided to remove the mask from his face. He wasn’t worried about showing his face, Harry was already passed out, and you were busy breaking down the door. Besides, he was already planning on telling you he was Spider-Man some of these days, he might as well do it now.

After a more few tries, you eventually managed to break the door handle and kick the door open. You were about to call Spider-Man to alert him but the words got stuck in your throat upon seeing his face.

Peter looked up as he felt you staring at him. “Get out of here, Y/N!” he yelled.

It seemed that your feet were stuck on the floor and your mind stopped making rational decisions because you stayed there in shock. “Peter?” you spoke.

“Y/N, GET OUT! LEAVE!” he yelled again. His voice made you jump and you instantly followed his demand. You left the house still thinking of him. You were already starting to walk to your house when your heart ached out of being worried for Peter. “Fuck it,” you whispered under your breath. You turned back, making your way back to the burning house. You called the authorities on the way.

Peter was still inside when you returned. You squinted your eyes, hoping to see more of him through the fire. He was carrying Harry, trying to get him out of the house but he was struggling because of the fire that surrounded him.

This was the part where the brain fought with the heart. Your mind was pleading for you to go home, save yourself, and get a good night’s sleep. But your heart insisted on staying, helping Peter, and putting yourself in danger.

Your heart only needed to softly whisper Peter’s name, and you were already all in.

And so, you entered the house fearlessly.

You used your arms to cover your head from the falling debris as you made your way to Peter. His eyes did a double take as soon as he saw you. “What the fuck are you doing here? Didn’t I tell you to leave?!” he questioned, worry and stress showing through his voice.

You ignored his questions and instead insisted on helping him carry Harry out of the house. You were both silent even after the job was done. For a while, it was just you, Peter, a passed-out Harry, the house that was on fire, and the sky that decided to rain.

After a few minutes, you heard the sirens that alerted you that the authorities were arriving at the scene. Peter looked at you as if to ask if you called them, and you nodded in response. He put on his mask again.

You watched as the firemen dealt with the burning house. Peter, now back to being Spider-Man, talked with the authorities about Harry and what happened. Harry was still passed out and being carried to an ambulance that would direct him to the hospital to get treated before he would face the consequences of his actions. As for you, you sat in the ambulance getting checked by the medics. You didn’t have any major injuries, just minor ones. When they offered to get you to the hospital just to be sure, you politely declined them and insisted on staying with Spider-Man.

It was as if the universe decided to help with the burning house because the rain decided to turn into a storm. You found a bench close to the house for you to sit on. The storm was getting harsher, but you refused to leave the place without Peter. You just crossed your arms to cope with the growing cold the wind delivered.

After waiting for a few more moments, the house wasn’t on fire anymore and the authorities left the scene for the day. As soon as they left, Peter removed the mask and walked towards the bench you were silently sitting on. “I would offer you a coat, but I don’t have one,” he stopped in front of you.

You looked up at him, standing up so you could look at him properly. “You okay?” you asked, noticing a few bruises on his face. “Yeah,” he nodded. “Are you?” he asked softly.

“I’m fine… still kind of shocked though. Didn’t expect my day to turn out like this,” you told him.

“Why were you using a dating app in the first place?” he asked jokingly.

You knew he was only teasing, but his question struck a nerve in you. To forget you, you wanted to say. Sorry for the mess, I only wanted to fucking forget you. Sorry for trying to move on. Sorry because I fucking love you.

Instead, you answered with another question. “Why didn’t you fucking tell me you’re Spider-Man?” your voice raised unintentionally.

His eyebrows furrowed with the tone of your voice. He tried to get closer to you but you stepped back, rolling your eyes. “Why is your ex fucking insane?!” he matched your attitude.

You scoffed. “Why is your best friend fucking insane?!”

“I–stop. Y/N,” he said softly. He realized from the way you were shaking that you were probably stressed and traumatized because of what happened. His suspicions were confirmed when you suddenly broke down crying. He instantly covered your fragile body with his frame. He hugged you tightly, letting you sob all the stress and frustration away. It was still storming, but none of you cared.

“Shhh,” Peter cooed. When your crying stopped, he held your face with his hands. “Why did you go back?” he asked, looking into your eyes.

“Because I wanted to help you,” you answered.

“And? I know that’s not the only reason you did it.”

You debated on whether to tell him the truth or lie your way out of the conversation. But after the stunt you pulled earlier, you knew Peter wasn’t stupid and would realize the truth sooner.

“Because I care for you. In ways I cannot describe,” you answered truthfully.

“Why do you care for me?” he asked.

“Peter…”

“I need you to say it,” he whispered close to your face. Your nose was close to touching his.

“I won’t because I know you don’t feel the same,” you closed your eyes.

“Open your eyes.”

You opened your eyes.

“Look at me.”

You did what he said.

“Say it.”

It was time to tell him, without fear.

“I love you.”

Peter smiled, before pulling your face closer to him and kissing you hard. Your eyes widened, not expecting him to kiss you. All along, you thought your love was one-sided, but the kiss you were sharing right now proved otherwise. It was your first kiss with him and it was flawless. You closed your eyes and deepened the kiss, you only pulled away when you needed to catch your breath.

“How are you feeling right now?” he smirked. “Did I kiss all your worries away?” he teased.

“I don’t think there’s a word that could do justice to what I’m feeling right now,” you chuckled. “I’m so happy–I feel like my heart is dancing. I could dance right now.”

“Really?” he asked, a clever smile showing up on his face. Suddenly, he offered a hand in front of you. “May I ask you for a dance?”

You accepted his offer. The only music was the storm as it loudly poured on the pavement, but none of you minded it. You swayed with him, giggling as you stared fondly at each other.

You were wearing your best dress, dancing with Peter in a harsh cruel storm, taking each other’s hands as you both drag yourselves head first into your lives and hearts. To be honest, you didn’t how it would get better than this.

“Can I tell you something, Y/N?” he asked, gracefully turning you.

“Of course,” you smiled.

“My heart races for you so fast that I just need to let this out–I love you. I love you so much. I want to spend every day with you. When you’re sad, I want to be the one you run to. When you’re happy, I want to be the reason why. When you’re sick, I want to be the one who takes care of you. When you’re in trouble, I want to be the one who saves you.”

You stroked his cheek lovingly. “I love you too, Peter. I’ve admired you ever since we were children and up until now. When I think of my future and who I want to spend it with–it’s you. It’s always been you. I’m afraid of rejection, that was why I didn’t tell you the moment I knew I have feelings for you. I was always scared that you would turn me down. That’s why all these years I chose to love you behind your back. But now… now that all’s been said and done, I’m not afraid anymore. If what you’re asking me is to enter your life as your partner, then I’ll do it fearlessly.”

He turned you one last time, before putting a hand on your back and on the back of your thigh, gently bending you backwards so he could kiss you deeply once again. Each time he pulled you in his arms, you got a little more brave. As it turned out, all it took for your heart to not be fearful was Peter.

Love really was fearless.

SLYTHERHEIGN TAGLIST: @writingstoraes @joshiiieeenesx

TASM!PETER PARKER TAGLIST: @mymilkducts @i-am-woman-strong @lauraneedstochill @jeanettexkillian @ms-mandalore @enaraism @alessandralol @sad-darksoul @sincericida @mentallystablepotato @mich0731 @logolepsic-insomniac @k0miiki @dreamsarecloserwithyou @jumilzzz @primroseparker @preciousbabypeter @myheartonthemove @rebecca-johnson-28 @silkholland @ellievickstar @okkulta @geekygamerchick @starqwerty20 @the-quiet-observer @softiepeterpan @willowhaired @sflame15-blog @pompeygirl89 @remuslupinsdocs

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wekiamo · 2 years ago

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fell harder pt 2

skeet ulrich x fem!reader

a/n: here goes part 2! this is a lil longer than my fics usually are, i hope thats not a problem! have fun reading 🤍 BTW SKEET IN THIS GIF BYEE that man is something else

pt. 3 & masterlist

warnings: swearing, fluff

you didn’t get to sleep a lot at night. maybe it’s the anxiety you’re feeling, knowing that today you were going to meet almost everyone you were going to see very often from now on. it’s not a big deal for you, the only big deal is that in “everyone”, skeet ulrich is included.

you fear you’re gonna get nervous and say something weird, act weird making him dislike you. if that was anyone else, it would be okay. but imagine skeet ulrich disliking you? that’s what you think for almost 5 minutes after getting up from bed, while looking at yourself in the mirror.

you figure out you have to convince yourself that he’s a normal person just like you, and that there’s nothing to be scared about.

“yeah, it’s not a big deal. so what if he doesn’t like me?” you tell youself, before opening your fridge and grabbing an apple. you continue talking “i shouldn’t care about what he thinks of me. he’s a human like anyone else, so i’m gonna act like i always do. that’s it!” you sound more convinced than you thought you would be, and that makes a smile grow in your face.

you jump happily around the house, until you get to the couch and throw yourself on it. you turn on the TV and you start watching some kids show, too busy biting your apple to change the channel.

it’s silly, but you find yourself not wanting to change it, so you just keep watching it until you’re done with your apple. you turn off the TV, and start feeling sleepy.

you close your eyes slowly, and then you fall asleep.

—

“damn, that was the best nap i’ve took in such a long time” you say, before checking what time is it.

it’s 4 pm. you remember you didn’t ask dave what time you’re supposed to show up to dinner, then you make your way to your room to get your phone.

“Hey Y/n, meet us at 7. I can pick you up if you want to” 2:20 pm

“smart guy” you think “it’d be cool if he picked me up. meeting someone for the first time in their car would be a… would be definitely a new experience”

“hey, sorry for taking too long, i took a nap” 4:07 pm

“but yes! imma send you my address rq hold on” 4:07 pm

you send him your adress.

you’re hungry.

it’s time for Topanga’s Burgers - your favorite place in the world. well, not really but thats what you call it. actually, it’s just your favorite place to eat burgers. its really near your house and that makes you love it even more. you have befriended literally all the workers there. you love the fact they’re all kind and they really like what they’re doing, you really appreciate it. it makes you remember of how amazing would it be if you had a job you’d love doing. and your last job was definitely not something you loved doing, in fact, it was the complete opposite. you quit it not too long ago and you were living with your savings and your mom’s salary. she lives with you, but she’s on vacation now. anyways, Topanga’s Burgers definitely gives you motivation to keep working hard to get where you want.

you take a bath, put on some clothes you like, do your personal hygiene, and you leave your house.

“y/n!!” a worker greets you with a big smile on her face, leaving the cashier area to come and give you a hug.

“keisha! hey, how have you been?” you hug her back tightly, happy to see her again.

keisha is a 40 years old cheerful and awesome woman. she’s probably one of the most fun friends you have. she also gives you amazing advice about literally anything you ask her about. she’s the best

“i’ve been worried about you. it’s been 3 days you’re not even coming to greet us anymore!” she says, with a genuine look of worry in her eyes. that statement of hers make it pretty obvious you come here a lot.

“yes, and i’m sorry! but i got some pretty good news”

“save it just for a minute” she says, and turns around to call the rest of the workers to hear the news you have “guys, come here! y/n’s back with good news”

everyone in the burger shop starts looking, but you don’t really care. it doesn’t embarrass you anymore.

you greet everyone coming your way as they make a circle and adjust to it, to hear the news.

“come closer” you say, and they do.

“you know when i auditioned for scream 7, right? so… i did it”

“YOU GOT THE ROLE?” keisha screamed, as some other workers gasp.

“I DID” you reply with a big smile and a happy nod, as they start jumping and screaming in excitement as you do too.

“you’re not so useless, are you?” tom joked, and everyone laughed including you.

“but seriously now, who’s going to be working with you?” tom asked in a curious tone

“there’s someone special. really special”

“hurry and give us a hint” said angelica, a funny old woman who works as a cleaning lady.

“okay, okay, you’ll have to get it right. it’s this really hot middle-aged man who you all know i always had a crush on”

“no way. skeet ulrich? he’s going to be in scream 7 too?”

“yes ma’am!”

“guys, didn’t scream end in the third movie?” linda asked.

“shut up linda, let her speak” the old woman shushed her daughter, making everyone let out a laugh

“and i’m going to meet him. today”

“wait the shootings are already starting?” tom asked you.

“no, it’s just that the cast is going to have dinner together today. and i’m going to meet SKEET ULRICH”

“tell us more. where’s it gonna be?”

“i’ll tell you all after you take my order, ‘cause im like really hungry… please?”

keisha comes running to the cashier area, to get your order. there’s another man there too in all black with a black cap too, kind of covering his face - he's probably waiting for a while now since the workers were all in a circle screaming and jumping few seconds ago.

you watch keisha greet the guy and take his order, walking to the cashier area to stand right beside him.

as she’s there taking notes of his order, he looks at you and pushes his cap up, while you turn your head to see him. you’re now able to see his face.

“oh my fucking god” you think.

“hi, i’m skeet. what a funny coincidence! we’re filming scream 7 together, right?” he greets you with a handshake and a grin, as you turn your body to him and not just your head

keisha gasps. she starts laughing at your face as she goes to prepare his order.

there’s no fucking way. skeet ulrich is right in front of you and 100% heard you saying he’s hot and you have a crush on him. your cheeks turn red.

“hello” you say stuttering a bit “i’m y/n y/l/n, it’s nice to meet you” your hands still in his. his touch is warm and you find yourself not wanting to drop it. but you did, before it makes the situation awkward.

it’s not like you love him. it’s just that you’ve had a crush on him for the last 15 years. not a big deal… right?

you remember your own words.

i shouldn’t care about what he thinks of me. he’s a human like anyone else, so i’m gonna act like i always do.

“that’s it” you finish your sentence once again, but this time not out loud.

“so…” he starts

“here’s your order, sir. sorry for the wait, again”

“it’s okay, don’t worry about it. i was called hot, you know”

he really heard you. “shit”, you think to yourself

keisha laughs. you eye her, looking done and she covers her mouth to stop laughing.

“i’ll wait for you”

“nice. he wants to sit with me. how awkward is that going to be?” you think, but you stop quickly “no. it’s not going to be awkward. once again, he’s just a normal guy who’s talking to me! nothing more than that”

“like always, please”

keisha nods, still with a smile in her face stopping herself from laughing again. she goes to the kitchen and start preparing your order.

“listen, i’m sorry. can you pretend you didn’t hear me? please?”

“right ma’am. you didn’t lie, though. i am indeed hot”

“hey!” you reply, chuckling.

“sorry, sorry. but you laughed”

you start talking to him, waiting for keisha to come with your order. she’s usually really fast with your order, but today it’s taking a little too long.

she’s definitely doing it on purpose for you to keep talking to him.

you’re really enjoying it, though. he’s a nice guy and you’re a nice girl, a perfect match. you seem to get along really well. you notice something quickly - his moves are gentle and not too fast. you’re the complete opposite, but you love it when people move calmly like this, it comforts you, you have no idea why.

keisha gives you your order as you thank her and gives her a smile.

“let’s go ma’am” he smirks at you, guiding you to a table.

“you come here often?” he asks, obviously making fun of you

“take a guess” you say and you both giggle.

“is it going to be your first time?” he asks

“hm?”

“playing a part in a movie”

oh.

“ah yes. i’ve never been part of a movie before. i’m really nervous about it to be honest. i’m not sure if i’ll be able to do my best”

“don’t worry, it’s not rocket science. all you’re going to do is pretend to be someone for a while”

“are you sure that’s all?”

“well, i told myself that exact same thing for every role i played and it went great”

“i’m talking to billy loomis right now, so i guess i’ll have to trust you.”

“yes, i’m a middle aged hot man, you should trust me”

you both laugh and he starts again “jokes aside, i’ll always be on set. if you need some advice, just call me and i’ll help you, ok?“

“thank you skeet. i really appreciate it”

you kept talking to him until you were both done eating.

somehow, this guy makes you feel comfortable around him. maybe it’s just your daddy issues, but you doubt it. this man has something in him that feels just right.

“we gotta go now. we have dinner with the cast, remember?”

“am i gonna have to see you again?” you joke as you get up and he does too, and he gasps ironically

“the middle-aged man here did not like it!”

“oh stop it” you say walking beside him to the exit and he chuckles softly.

“you want a ride home, kid?” skeet asks you, as he turns to you.

“no thanks, i live near here. you can go”

“okay then, see you later tonight!” he waves tilting his head and smiling softly as he enters his car. you wave back.

“wait”

“yes?”

“do you want me to pick you up for dinner?”

oh god. you wanted to say yes, but what about dave? wouldn’t he be upset?

“i’m sorry skeet, dave’s already going to pick me up” you say, with sort of a sad tone, trying not to upset skeet.

“it’s alright. dave, huh?” he smirks at you

“do not.” you reply quickly, raising your eyebrowns and lowering your head

“okay, okay” he laughs “see ya!”

you smile in response.

in 3 seconds, you’re going to process everything that just happened.

“no way” you say out loud.

someone touched your shoulders behind you, making you jump with the unexpected touch, relaxing right after you see it’s angelica

“little girl you better tell me everything” she said with her hands still on your shoulders.

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killervelveteenrabbit · 1 month ago

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The Harry Potter series got popular enough that I learned about all the characters and plot elements from cultural osmosis without picking up a single book. Eventually I reasoned that this might be a series I enjoyed, even though I'd been spoiled on all the major developments and the ending. Sometimes it's worth hearing a story you already know just for the telling.

But then J. K. Rowling revealed herself as a raging TERF, actively squandering her reputation and considerable fortune to persecute transfolk. I realized any money I spent on her books would fuel her engine of hate, so I reconsidered. To this day, have never actually any of her work outside of the occasional excerpt I've seen online.

Later after I joined Tumblr, I noticed that Neil Gaiman maintained a blog there. Again, I'd never interacted much with his work. But I knew he was a big damn deal and I was stunned to see someone that famous be that accessible, posting witty observations and answering questions from random people. He even responded to a question I sent him, providing me with some admittedly valuable writing advice. And I thought to myself, "Well, if I like his Tumblr posts that much, I'll definitely have to sit down and read some of his books."

Then the sexual assault allegations came out. I was disinclined to believe them because I'd never heard of the website that broke the story. And I remembered a similar smear against George Takei turned out to be false. So I waited to see if the story grew legs. It proceeded to grow tentacles instead.

More women have spoken up, and earlier this week I read the Vulture/New York piece outlining all the things Neil Gaiman has done to so many women over the years, in detail that goes beyond "not safe for work" straight into "not safe for lunch".

To put my own spin on that "Phineas and Ferb" meme: "If I had a nickel for every time I considered reading a beloved author's books just before they were exposed as a monster, I'd have two nickels, which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice, right?"

BTW, in the event @neil-gaiman should read this: I get that you had a traumatic childhood that left you with a control complex, but not everyone who suffers abuse inflicts that abuse on other people. You are no longer a victim; you are a victimizer. Someday in the future, people will be able to enjoy your works again, but only divorced from the context of the person who wrote them. For the moment, you are getting what you deserve and you deserve everything you get.

#harry potter #jk rowling #neil gaiman #death of the author

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khaire-traveler · 10 months ago

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Do you need signs from hellenic deities or is there any chance that they will not work with you??

I've heard Artemis is picky with who she works with but then again, unreliable source because tiktok 🚶‍♂️

Hey, Nonny!

Genuinely, I would not take any advice or listen to TikTok pagans or polytheists in the slightest. Misinformation is spread rampantly there, and people often make ridiculous claims. I would just disregard it completely, if I'm going to be honest. I don't think I've ever learned anything helpful from there. I'm not shaming you for finding information there, though, just so you know! It's hard to know which sources to trust when it comes to such a freedom-based religion.

That said, you don't need signs from deities - in general - to start worshipping them. I only engage in deity worship (which I honestly think still includes "work"; deities still help you improve on specific aspects of your life through worshipping them), but I've personally not met a deity who is unwilling to receive worship or veneration. My biggest piece of advice to you is to just jump right into it! What do you have to lose by reaching out? Remember that deities are the protection from evil, not the cause of it. There aren't any negative consequences for simply reaching out.

That said, however, if you want more certainty before beginning, I recommend looking into different divination methods. This is the best way, imo, to receive a direct answer from a deity. It allows for back and forth conversation, oftentimes, as well which is undeniably useful. I recommend simply reaching out and asking the deity in question if they're interested, if it bothers you a lot.

In my experience with Artemis, btw, she has not been picky. She seems to be very welcoming and has always been kind to me, even looking out for and protecting me from danger. She is extremely compassionate (I believe she actually has something similar to "Kind" or "Compassionate" as one of her epithets) and tends to be very nurturing, in my experience. I recommend simply reaching out. I see no harm in doing so.

Also, if you'd like some good resources on Hellenic deities and worship, I highly recommend the book Hellenic Polytheism: Household Worship by Labrys. I also recommend looking into ancient works, such as Theogony by Hesiod or The Library of Greek Mythology by Apollodorus. These can simply inform you on the culture and myths surrounding the gods, though I would not interpret them literally personally. I've also heard Artemis by Stephanie Budin is good, though I haven't read it myself. I've simply heard this from other worshippers of Artemis. As for online resources, as always, Theoi.com is a great place to find very basic information about Artemis as a goddess. It doesn't include much worship information, but you can likely find out more traditional ways of worship by looking into her ancient cults, if that interests you.

If any of my followers know of any good resources on Artemis, please feel free to let me know! I'd love to give Nonny a solid place to start.

I hope this helps! I wish you luck on your new journey. I wish you well! Take care, and have a good day/night. 🧡

#anon asks #answered asks

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transmutationisms · 1 year ago

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hi! i was just wondering if you had any tips on how to like survive university ;-; i already have stimulants and they help most of the time, with the boring bits. but yeah, it's been pretty tough and overwhelming. im a stem major if that helps. as always, thank you for answering all of my questions~

btw, your cat is so, so adorable! love how she just fits into the box sfdhsjkaadgha

she's actually my boyfriend's and she is so gorgeous and also such a menace.... anyway i don't know how helpful i can be here; i actually went to an undergrad that specifically did not teach by lectures because i find them so intolerable and unhelpful lol, and also i had several active chemical addictions and grad school is kind of its own can of worms. i tend to do best when i can go away and read / write about something on my own time, with an instructor and classmates as kind of consultants or people to bounce ideas off of. i don't think it's unusual at all to struggle with the way that most universities structure their coursework; it's not friendly or navigable for most people, and there are also really high barriers to getting any sort of accomodation. i guess my best general advice here would be to just do as much as you need to do to get the degree you need, and any additional work is basically only valuable to the extent that you're deriving some kind of intrinsic reward from it. like, if you want to apply to grad school then your grades matter, but besides that, basically nobody will ever know or care. you don't get an asterisk beside your name for the rest of your life that says how hard you worked in university, yknow? just do what you gotta do, let yourself off the hook for the rest, and remember the institution is not your friend and you don't owe it shit

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ed-recovery-affirmations · 11 months ago

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Hi ! I've been looking for some advices, maybe an outside opinion, as well as sharing my experiences. I Hope it's ok.

I've already sent Asks here, being much more worse, and I wanted to say first of all that I'm doing much much better !!

I've been eating more and re-introduced carbs and fats and feat foods slowly and it feels like a lot sometimes, but it gets easier.

I'm not recovered totally at all, but I'm healthier both physically and mentally.

Problem is, I think I might be running from anorexia to orthorexia... At first I thought it would be a good things now that I felt capable of controling my food to include healthy meals and all, but it has become obsessive. Am I supposed to just eat ''unhealthy'' foods to have balance ? I sometimes feel like I have to, more for it to be socially acceptable and normal, rather than a Real want for it. I don't feel particulary proud of my ''healthy diet'', I'm actually suite ashamed of it in society.

Second of all, I realized that I might even look better with some more weight on. I Always had a hard Time gaining and I'm still not btw, but this is quite a comforting thought to have in recovery. I don't intend to monitor my weight and body but it reassures me. However, I still feel like gaining would make me worth less and even tho it's something that could be positive, I still bodycheck without thinking and am worried to gain when I eat more. I don't know how to fight it, since I've already told myself that weight gain could even be better and positive, and not only necessary...

Third and last (sorry this is so long), I'm exercising again. I Always liked to, since I was eight, and it makes me feel like I'm still holding onto something. I do pilates, and bodyweight strenght training one hour a day, with one rest day a week. I already decreased the time of exercice that I once did twice a day, and it feels okay.

But I don't really make progress, despite eating a lot of protein and working out a lot. On top of that, I still haven't got my period back in a long Time. What am I doing wrong ? I really don't want to abandon exercices, especially when I have so much free Time.

Thank you for Reading ! And thank you for this page, it helps a number of people.

Hi anon! I'm so glad to hear you've progressed this far in your recovery, even though it's never an easy journey. Even now, you're running into new worries. First of all, you don't "have to" eat anything you don't like. I think orthorexia is about an obsessive need to restrict your food intake down to what's "pure enough" eschewing even the smallest treat. I think a lot of people with orthorexia take it even further - worrying that their healthy food isn't pure enough, pursuing even more extreme diets - it's not pure enough if it's not raw, or dairy-free, or organic, just as a few possible examples. So if you enjoy foods like candy and chips, or sugar cereal and stuff like that, but feel like you cannot enjoy them specifically because they're not your "healthy" foods...that's orthorexia. But if you simply prefer the foods you're already eating, then you can feel free to continue to eat the foods you enjoy. Just make sure to keep your mind open enough that you'd be willing to try new foods if you really wanted them, and remember that "I don't like that," doesn't need any justification.

I think you might need to check in with yourself when you catch yourself body-checking or feeling like you'd be worth less with weight gain. What makes you feel that way? Try to examine these feelings without being judgmental toward yourself. Just unpack these feelings and try to go over some things in your mind that define your worth to you. These should ideally be things that have nothing to do with your body. Sit compassionately with your feelings, but do gently challenge them, and be aware that it may take time before you work out these challenging and conflicting feelings about the way your body will be.

As long as you're not over-exercising, eating enough to sustain yourself, and not compulsively matching your exercise to negate caloric intake, you should be okay. If you're asking why you're not gaining muscle or strength, I can't say for sure because I don't know your body. Maybe it's because your body went without for so long that right now it's just focusing on repairing the critical parts. And since it sounds like you might need to gain back a bit more weight in general (though I can't say that for sure since I don't know your health needs) maybe right now is a good time to focus on enjoying what you can do and how it makes you feel, and develop other hobbies to fill your free time with.

As to your period...I really don't know, I'm sorry. It entirely depends on your individual body and on your experiences in ED and restriction. I might consider consulting with your doctor and asking about what steps you can take to help your body re-regulate itself in that regard. If there are any specific nutrients or supplements you could take, or if you really just have to weight. It sounds like you're exercising pretty hard, which might delay the onset of your period further. But it really depends on certain body variables.

I hope I've been able to give you some help!

#ed recovery #restriction recovery #weight gain #body image #food purism #orthorexia #period mention #menstruation cw

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tonydaddingham · 4 months ago

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hey….totally unprompted question not prompted by terrible visions but do you have any tips for making amvs / any suggestions for editing softwares (preferabky on mobile but computer can work too) ? 😁

oh babe ive GOTCHU okay so obligatory "im just a girl that can't escape the brainrot" disclaimer. im not an expert, i do not do this professionally in any capacity, and im sure more seasoned video makers and editors will look at this list and think it's horseshit - and they'd be right!!! but for what it's worth here are the things that help me:

okay so first off, i edit everything (inc music, bc i do Not have the capacity to make edits to a full 4 min song) on my phone, so you've come to the right place - this nifty little app here is what i use.

is it good? as long as you're happy with it not being overly flash, yeah sure. does it get the job done? well id like to think so, as long as you're willing to get a bit creative/think outside the box on occasion. is it free? fuck yeah, as long as you don't want the spanglier functions.

okay so as for creating the vids themselves (very good omens centric, btw):

(here is where i wrote loads of shite but i remembered that you, dear anon, would have to read this and probably just want a simple list but always happy to discuss in more detail just lmk)

(edit: turns out, anon, that i still couldn't keep it to a simple list!!! and for that im very sorry)

obligatory start with: get good quality rips of the show. i didn't do this in the beginning and a lot of my old stuff is uploaded in 720p as a result, whereas now i can upload... decently in 2180p. the longer upload time is worth it. oh, and there is a small aspect ratio difference between s1 and s2, and it's the bane of my fucking life especially when i miss it and it's So Obvious To Me that ive missed it post-upload. don't make my mistakes 💕

right. advice. first, storyboard your vid. even if the song is not particularly relevant to the show/story but has Blorbo Potential™. look at the song you've got, and break it down lyrically (if applicable). what are the words saying? what is the story being told? is it thematically relevant/meta (e.g., RUTH), or is it just so applicable to Them that it's a bit embarrassing (e.g., meatloaf)? or is it neither, and it's just a Vibe (e.g., sushi restaurant)? there have been times where ive had to write out the lyrics physically and make notes on what scenes/bits to put to certain lyrics, in order to not feel overwhelmed with the whole thing... even if i change it later on/it ends up not working out anyway. but yeah take a sec to actually look at your song and work out if you have enough material to tell the story you want to tell in it - ie. not just the chorus/a bit of a verse. (ive fallen into this trap Many a time and have a Lot of abandoned wips floating around as a result)

related to the above, and i can't imagine it will be a problem lol, but being Very Familiar with the source material helps. pay attention to blocking and angles, especially if you want to do a cool/slick transition, or want to group together similar shots for a bit of visual interest and satisfying brain itching (e.g., 00:31 onwards of best shot). keep a track of filler bits, like clicks/hand claps/funny faces/dancing/dramatic head turns, because not only is it sometimes helpful for when you've got a musical interlude, but it can help maintain the tempo. (e.g., beginning of darkness)

ALSO related to the first point, and just a general tip - you don't have to start from the beginning. start, for example, with That Emotional Part where you can Perfectly see a part of the show cut to it. (e.g., cut to the feeling, where i started with the 1941 bullet catch at 1:18-1:27 for the bridge, and then built on it backwards). it helps with motivation too, when you find The Good Bit that you knows others will hate you for 🥰

in general, i recommend to keep the big set pieces (bullet catch, kiss, wall slam, in the beginning, on the wall, bookshop fire) in your back pocket for the Big Emotional, Heart-Swelling points of the song, and build on them from there. if you can, exercise symmetry in your scene choices across the choruses (e.g. dog days), or bookend the vid with the same scene (e.g., bon jovi intro and 1:45); i find it keeps a Theme going and drives up the emotional payoff, and again helps with storyboarding (dog days example: i framed as flashbacks, bon jovi example: i framed it as a flashforward)

i know others do this, and it is Not me criticising it at All because it can be soooo effective, but my personal style tries to avoid mouth movements as much as possible (unless it matches the lyrics, and then i keep it in because it's funny - e.g., "yeah" at 0:39 for bon jovi). so to that end, if you're looking to do the same thing/same style, be mindful of when expressions change/mouths start to move - it can literally be a matter of 0.1s, but be jarring if left in. this does regrettably mean losing a lot of source material (bc. yk. they talk in it, not just make Faces at each other), but i personally try to keep it to a minimum or try to keep any mouth movements out of focus.

now. i love a short cut. i go mad for a short cut. i go berserk for fast, sharp scene changes, they're like crack to me. prefer them to using huge stretches of clips. but!!! when actually editing (especially with the above app that whilst great, is not very good on refresh rate/buffering), id recommend exporting your video periodically or after doing a particularly choppy/fast bit, and Checking if it works/it's in time with the music. rewatch it 5, 10 times to make sure. you will constantly have to adjust stuff if you're creating the vid out of sync, unfortunately, but it will honestly help so much. it'll just give you a "ah yes i have 10 fast cuts there, and sure it only makes up for around 5 secs of actual screen time, but it's perfectly in sync and very satisfying, good job me" feeling, which is awesome. if you have issues with timing, consider downloading an overlaying metronome track in the bpm you need, and match it to that. (that saved in me in more of my vids than i care to count)

that being said, don't use short cuts if it doesn't suit the song!!!💕 or at least try to use a mix of them to give the vid some pacing. i like a pop or rock song, me, so i naturally tend to go for higher bpm songs (rip) anyway, but i try to get some longer cuts in there (especially around the intro/bridge) to give the viewer some breathing room (e.g., 0.00-0.44 for hero)

biggest advice tho: just have fun with it. create what You want to watch. do you listen to a song and think GOD THAT SCENE WOULD BE SO GOOD HERE??? then DO IT!!!💕 it doesn't have to slick or flash or overly clever in the transitions or effects, if you don't necessarily want it to be. don't get me wrong, they can look bloody spectacular - some of my favourite vids are really polished and impressive!!! but some of my faves are technically really basic, but they Understand the material and they Understand storytelling. equally some very kind people have told me that mine are some of their favourites (still makes me grin, months later!!!) and my transitions/effects are rudimentary at best. people will see your Vision because it is a Great Vision and will love your work regardless of the quality. you will improve with time, you will recycle bits and use them in new ways, you will learn skills and shortcuts that you will do better the next time. please pls plssss just create and have fun with it, god knows we need it in the world rn 💖

if there's anything else that i can answer or help with, anon, pls let me know!!! good luck my darling!!!💕

#ask #good omens fanvid

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the-good-ol-art-corner · 1 year ago

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Good evening once again, sir. You may remember me from literally yesterday. Anyways, I have entered your very presence once more as I'd like to share more of my fnati au with you, since last time went successful, and since only you and two other people actually acknowledge my au. Anyway, let's go.

Here, we have the Steamboat Boys!!! (sorry for the poor image quality of the first pic)

Willie- Although he's only the janitor of the steamboat, he definitely asserts himself the "boss" around here, as he runs a secret drug business to make himself some big bucks, and usually likes to harass and bully Pete just to entertain himself. Willie is also very arrogant, cocky, and overall a big shot, which makes him think that he can survive anything. This has caused many incidents where Willie would try something stupid that risks his life, and Pete and Dippy would have to step in and save him. Willie also has a small side where he sometimes feels really guilty about his actions, but always hides it to keep the attitude that he's always had.

Pete- A large friendly cat who's the captain of the steamboat, Pete is usually the voice of reason for Willie's shenanigans and always tries to steer things in the right direction. He's also a big worrier, with him worrying and caring about the boat, himself, and everyone around. Because of this part of his personality, he often gets harassed, bullied, and abused by Willie, or atleast get slightly teased by Dippy, with the other two members usually calling names such as "Pussy Cat", or "Worry Whiskers". Pete is also rather insecure about himself, and doesn't know how to protect himself both physically, mentally, and socially.

Dippy- Dippy is sort of like the "middle child" of the group, with him being the guy to use the crane to lift cargo and goods onto the boat, while also struggling to keep an even balance with Willie's illegal business and ideas of "fun", while also trying to actually be a decent person and help and support Pete. Dippy also has a weird and bad habit, where he likes to break windows with all sorts of round-ish weapons, ranging from baseballs to solid rocks.

So yeah, what do you think of these three? Do you have any criticism or suggestions for them in mind at all? Again, I'm willing to take advice.

(also again, you definitely don't have to, but I think it would be cool to see these guys in your style. If you decide to do it, just do the one that's your favorite. If you want me to stop putting these request notes at the bottom btw, I can stop. I don't wanna make anyone mad, you know?)

I'm mostly just poking fun but. I was not. expecting to read that going into my inbox?? Willie sweetie noooooo-

Also I don't mind you sending more about your AU! I think all your ideas are very interesting and the characters are very charming! And. chaotic- Sorry if I can't get to them right away though, I've got a lotta art in the works I'm meaning to post ^^'

Anyways though, Pete's my favorite hands down, he's the equivalent of wet paper and I love him for that, poor guy </3 Hope he can get better friends

Reblogs > Likes, Thank You!

#Fnati #five nights at treasure island #fnati 2020 #Oblitus casa #fnati AU #my art #digital art #reblogs > likes #treasure island #fnati pete #oblitus casa pete #pete the cat #Still taking requests for anyone interested :)

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snickerdoodlles · 1 year ago

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buckle up butter cup, i have QUESTIONS: 1, 2, 3 (👀), 11, 12, 15, 17 (👀), 22, 24, 32, 38, 40

I'll take your essay in MLA format plz <3

ah shit, i forgot my citations 😭

1. What font do you write in? Do you actually care or is that just the default setting?

my current default is Libre Franklin! i actually cycle through fonts a lot? i like the editing trick of changing your font to help catch errors and clunky writing, and sometimes i'll switch the font of my doc if i'm feeling particularly stuck while i'm writing. idk how many people know this, but you can change the default font/formatting/color of google docs, and i do it constantly 😂

2. If you had to give up your keyboard and write your stories exclusively by hand, could you do it? If you already write everything by hand, a) are you a wizard and b) pen or pencil?

I write by hand a lot actually! I went through 2.5 notebooks alone last year iirc. I always write in pen -- writing by hand helps me gets ideas out of my head faster, and part of that is that i can't undo/backspace what i write. i just gotta move on. and since i'll have to rewrite it anyways when i type it up, writing by hand really helps me get that first rough draft mess out. it also helps me discard the really crap ideas from that first draft -- sometimes the typed doc that it distills into is completely different than what's on paper, and we're all grateful for it.

3. What is your writing ritual and why is it cursed?

WRITING IN FRIENDS DMS!!!! nothing gets my ideas flowing better than a friend to bounce them around with, and nothing helps me solidify and distill ideas like needing to explain them to someone. i am so bad about sending friends multiple screens worth of written scenes in their DMs (i am very fortunate to have friends who let me do this). this ritual is cursed because my preferred DM platform is tumblr, and i actually rarely remember to save these writings to something more permanent like a doc (pour one out for the many, many, MANY writings lost in DMs <3)

11. Do you believe in the old advice to “kill your darlings?” Are you a ruthless darling assassin? What happens to the darlings you murder? Do you have a darling graveyard? Do you grieve?

*stares at writing notebook* *stares at lost DM fics* kill your darlings

real answer lol: if there's something i really like, i can usually find a way to bring it back into a WIP. i'm really good at that sort of adaptive thinking, but part of why i'm good at that is because i am a ruthless darling killer. all of my editing is very much focused on how all the pieces of a story work in harmony to each other and if something doesn't fit within that, that's not the story for it. but sometimes the reason why a thing doesn't work in the story is because its in the wrong place and since I have no issue removing things that don't work, it's a lot easier to find a better place for it if you're not fixated on keeping it in a specific spot. and for any darling that never makes its way back to its home story, it goes into my mental compost heap to possibly seed into something new for a future story.

12. If a genie offered you three writing wishes, what would they be? Btw if you wish for more wishes the genie turns all your current WIPs into Lorem Ipsum, I don’t make the rules

fool proof way to write in the shower, perfect recall when im trying to remember a story idea i laid out in DMs, the perfect cure to my adhd executive dysfunction.

15. Do you write in the margins of your books? Dog-ear your pages? Read in the bath? Why or why not? Do you judge people who do these things? Can we still be friends?

i'm an avid annotator but only for like...general knowledge? all of my textbooks, reference book, and journal articles/papers are littered with annotations and other marginalia (this is partially why i have so many colored ink ballpoint pens actually 😂). there was a hot minute where i tried to do this for general story/poetry books, but...ehh???? i never quite got into that because usually i just lose myself in the story and my external thoughts come out better in friend DMs or post tags ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

as for the others-- dog ear, no, i don't like the look of bent pages. plus i have a loooot of bookmarks i'm still not using because they're one of those Cheap Art Merch things lol. i absolutely read in the bath (if i take a bath, because ya girl gets BORED), but usually im grabbing one of my travel edition books jic something happens to it, anything electronic i hold over the edge so it won't fall in.

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.

will respond in a separate post so i can be extra annoying!! lmk if there's a specific WIP you're hoping to hear about XD

22. How organized are you with your writing? Describe to me your organization method, if it exists. What tools do you use? Notebooks? Binders? Apps? The Cloud?

hrmmhmMm define organized?

zero organization to notebooks. those are for Throwing Up Ideas, organization would give me writer's block or anxiety. similar for anything that winds up in my phone notes -- even if i could organize them better, i probably wouldn't? they're kinda like a part 2 to the writing notebook for me jotting down ideas, esp stuff that i don't think will become proper stories. proper stories are on google drive because i don't have a better option. fics there are separated by fandom. series and multi-chapter fics get their own folders, individual stories stay out in the general folder. i also have a folder for posted/finished one-shots and a compost folder for discarded story ideas to help keep the clutter down

24. How much prep work do you put into your stories? What does that look like for you? Do you enjoy this part or do you just want to get on with it?

...how much does friend DM yelling count? i love plotting out stories in friend DMs, it's one of my favorite things to do, but i don't like. force myself to stick with anything either. i don't like rigorous story outlines, i prefer a more organic and flexible approach to writing stories. the best i can manage for a story outline is a general bullet list of story points i hope to hit. i like research a lot (wikipedia rabbit holes my beloved <3), but i don't usually worry about going too in-depth for it. it's really good fuel for story ideas and the brainstorming process, but like. i write fic. i care a lot about being sensitive and careful with other people's cultures and histories, but otherwise i don't fret the details and minute because my goal here is to share silly stories.

32. What is a line from a poem/novel/fanfic etc that you return to from time and time again? How did you find it? What does it mean to you?

uuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

this is really hard for me because i never read stories as individual lines. that said, i was thinking earlier of that poem (poem line?) "a hand has five fingers. five fingers and five thousand wants." because talk about kim-core, but i don't remember what its from and google isn't helping.

that said, hope y'all are ready for me to reblog this and this 583478 times when we finally hit proper hogswatch season <333

38. What is something about your writing process YOU think is Really Weird? If you are comfortable, please share. If you’re not comfortable, what do you think cats say about us?

..........i had an answer in mind when i first saw this question, but i just forgot everything now that i'm here (am i even a writer?? surely not.)

maybe this will come back to me later.

40. Please share a poem with me, I need it.

you get "the more loving one" by wh auden because i am ALWAYS thinking of this poem. #predictable

[[ writer asks ]]

#thank you! <3 #also: welcome to the world of RamblesTM

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pokedelivery-girl · 2 years ago

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hey i'm gonna vent a bit. i'm just having a rough time getting my thoughts in order and i think typing it out might help.

if you wanna read it feel free, but there's gonna be some real heavy shit in here. might need some advice.

"When I move, it hurts. When I'm still, it aches."

That's a quote from a certain space station-themed webcomic I read. It's called "Decompressed". It's really good. (White Dwarf is best girl btw.) And... I feel like it's starting to apply to me as well.

When I move, it hurts. - I tried to be an actual battling Pokémon trainer, once. It didn't go well for me. It was stressful. Painful. But I kept biting through it, just to prove a point to a pair of people. Until I couldn't anymore.

I put my badge case in a drawer somewhere, and I occasionally have to grab something out of it... and every time I do, it haunts me. ⅝ths filled, begging me to continue on - but every time I reach for it, it's as if a flood of painful static rushes into my head.

Reminding me of what I went through. What I made Aurora go through for my own selfish reasons.

"You were miserable," she told me. "I hated seeing you like that."

I can't possibly fathom what I thought in that time period. But I remember clearly what I thought at the end of it, when I broke down in Mistralton's gym right after winning.

"I don't want to do this anymore. Not like this. Not like this."

Skyla's a wonderful person, by the way. Took me to a backroom and gave me some water and snacks. Made sure I was okay. Bless her soul.

...But, every time I think about trying to continue the journey I aborted, it only ever ends in me just wallowing in my own regret.

When I'm still, it aches. - Yet, every time I think about how I am now, I'm... dissatisfied. Working for Mistralton Cargo is fun, sure... but it doesn't feel fulfilling. There's this part of me, this burning desire to do more. To be more.

Camille saw something in me - that's why she became my rival. That's how we ended up as girlfriends. But... have I ever truly lived up to that? She says she doesn't care much about it anymore, and I believe her - but... it is, or was there. That "something".

Any time I reach for that badge case, painful static rushes into my head. But preceding that is a burning feeling of desire. Ambition. "I want to be greater. I want to be more." It's eating away at me. And whenever it's not satisfied, it keeps and keeps nagging. Sure, it goes away after a while, but it's always lurking.

I know that being "The Champion" is just a hollow title. Five seconds of joy before becoming dull. A name in the Hall of Fame, some extra responsibilities - and that's just it. Yet there's this burning inside me, that wants to see it through - that needs to see it through. Even when I know the happiness that it brings is just temporary.

I need to prove a point. I had sacrificed years of my own sanity, my own body, too - in a vain attempt to get there. And I didn't. But I still feel like I have to.

And I don't know what to do now.

Do I try again, or do I call it quits? Do I move, hurting - or be still, aching? Do I continue that painful self-destruction, or do I let those flames of desire burn me alive from the inside?

Will it even be the same as last time if I try it again? What if it gets even worse?

I just want to feel some sense of happiness and accomplishment. But it's all so... fuzzy.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

#pkmn irl #pokemon irl #pokeblogging #cw trauma #cw vent

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ananicoleta · 10 months ago

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This perfectly describes what i went through during my second and third year of high-school. I don't know what was the source of the thoughts but I think it might've had something to do with the isolation the world went through during the pandemic.

I started having intrusive thoughts, mostly about incest. I know it is a very taboo topic and incredibly disturbing to talk about it, believe me, I know first hand. But that's what OCD does to you. Some obsessions are about those kinds of topics like incest, pedophilia, murder, hurting yourself or others, body mutilation etc. Don't get me wrong, all kinds of obsessions are horrible to have (incest is not the only topic I've had intrusive thoughts about, there are many, MANY others), but when someone with OCD gets an obsession about one or multiple taboo or disgusting topics like the ones I've mentioned, it becomes even harder to come forward.

I remember how ashamed I was during that time, how trapped I felt. It was as if there was no escape from my own mind. Everywhere I went I was followed by those intrusive thoughts. Everything I did was accompanied by disgusting mental images. It got so bad that I couldn't do anything anymore, I couldn't function. If I had an intrusive thought then my mind would accuse me of being a horrible and immoral person for even having it. If I tried to think of something else then my mind would accuse me of trying to hide my "disgusting desires". It was a vicious never-ending circle.

(btw these intrusive thoughts are NOT DESIRES; they are actually your deepest fears and go against your morals; if a person with OCD has thoughts about pedophilia, then they are NOT "secretly a pedo", they are actually the furthest thing from that; they only fear being one because OCD is completely irrational).

I don't know if I had any compulsions during that time, but if I had, they were all mental. I used to "check my sensations" and the way I felt when I was around a family member. I also seeked reassurance and confessed my thoughts when I just couldn't keep them inside anymore and that gave me releif, but only for a short while, before it all started again.

I also had other obsessions. One of them was about my sexual orientation. I had it for about a year in my first year of high-school, then last year it ressurfaced but only for a few months. Again, I thought about my sexuality all the time. I did the same thing with checking my sensations around people to see whether I was or not attracted to them (trust me, it does not work; if you are confused about your sexuality, don't try this; I was so focused on how I should feel, on whether or not I felt something that I forgot to actually feel anything). I also searched a lot for reassurance online, from strangers on those anonymous sites where you ask for advice, and I also read a lot of articles. Again, it provided temporary relief, but no sooner than a few hours or a day at max it would return.

I also had an obsession about OCD itself, when I found out what it was. I spent hours searching articles online and I simply couldn't stop doing it, I kept coming back after everytime. That was also the first time I could put a name on everything that I felt and experienced.

After I found out what OCD was I told my parents and they put me in therapy. I've been going there for over a year and I'm much MUCH better. My therapist told me it didn't look like I had OCD (I still don't know what to say about that; I don't want to contradict a professional but at the same time I relate too much to all this information about OCD, like everything just makes sense). Still, I continued to go to therapy and even if it wasn't specificaly for OCD, it helped me a lot.

Nowadays, I still have intrusive thoughts, they are deffinetly there, especially during my bad days. But they no longer give me anxiety (or as much as they used to anyway). I can finally breathe, I can finally live and be happy. They exist and I acknowledge their existence but I don't panic anymore, I don't feel guilty or ashamed.

I've also realized that it doesn't even matter whether it truly is OCD or not. I am getting better and better every day and that's what matters.

The reason I am sharing this right now is because I want to spread awareness. Even if I don't have OCD, from what I've read, what I've experienced aligns a great deal with what people with OCD usually go through.

If anything, I want the ones that read this to understand 3 things:

1) OCD is NOT a cute little quirk/a personality trait, it's a memtal disorder and it can be a nightmare living with it.

2) OCD can be about ANYTHING, some common topics being taboo things (pedophilia, beastiality, incest, body mutilation, hurting yourself and others, murder etc.), having accidents of any kind, religion, sexuality, loved ones dying, contamination, having an illness no one knows about etc.

3) It is absolutely NOT the person's fault for having these thoughts. OCD is a mental disorder that messes with your brain and it does not in, any way, shape or form, represent a person's "hidden desires" or morals.

Greetings bugs and worms!

This comic is a little different than what I usually do but I worked real hard on it—Maybe I'll make more infographic stuff in the future this ended up being fun. Hope you learned something new :)

If you are still curious and want to learn more about OCD, you can visit the International OCD Foundation's website. I also recommend this amazing TED ED video "Starving The Monster", which was my first introduction to the disorder and this video by John Green about his own experience with OCD.

The IOCDF's website can also help you find support groups, therapy, and has lots of online guides and resources as well if you or a loved one is struggling with the disorder. It is very comprehensive!

Reblog to teach your followers about OCD

(But also not reblogging doesn't make you evil, silly goose)

#ocd #mental illness #mental health #spreading awareness #ocd awareness

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agapi-kalyptei · 5 months ago

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A coworker sent me a message saying that I seemingly have knowledge in so many areas and asked me how to get there. And the honest answer is just to be old and spend time on it.

(This post is mostly about software development, and knowledge acquisition in general.)

There's a lot to be said about learning, epistemology, ADHD, obsessions, being autistic and geeking out, having an older brother, being a social outcast and running to computers which I can read tutorials for (unlike social situations), and being privileged/lucky enough that I can just allocate time in my work to learn things. But I'll focus on one less flattering aspect:

Fake it till you make it.

Part 1: A lot of my knowledge is shallow. That's not necessarily a bad/evil thing.

I don't need to know everything about everything, neither on a personal level, or in work. "I know everything" isn't even a good look on a CV. Having a wide range of understanding can be good for some roles (team lead / tech lead / technical director / CTO type jobs, none of which I really crave), but in general what's important to get most IT jobs done well is having a shallow understanding of everything for context - to know how your thing will affect other things - and a deep understanding in one or two technologies. This is sometimes called T-shape skill tree or something similar, as in, a imaginary skill point graph drawn from top, like so

Everyone's path is different, but in general - you don't need to know everything, it's fine to have more or less only one specialty, especially in the first few years of IT jobs. If you've worked in IT for 10+ years, and you're not super deep in your main skill, or you haven't expanded any other skills, that's worrying and generally is a red flag when hiring (depending on your salary expectations). Some people just never get better at what they're doing.

Part 2: A lot of my knowledge is shallow because I need it only for a limited time. Obviously if I was a better person, I'd just remember everything, and never mislead people about what I know and don't know. However, as I took on the role of an educator in my company, sometimes i prepare presentations, and what you need to do is either be an expert, or just learn enough from experts to give the knowledge to people who know much less than you.

Knowing your audience, and the goal of the presentation is important. If you're going to pretend you're an expert in a room full of experts, that's gonna be painful, and hard to recover from. However, if you know there's only 1-2 people in the audience who know more than you, and you're honest, it's usually fine to prefix your talk with "I'm not an actual expert, but I've researched this topic and here's how you the audience can benefit". (This is what I've been doing.)

Part 3: This shallow knowledge course this can be tricky. I'm not even talking about lying on your CV, that's inappropriate and I will take no part in it. But as you get more senior positions, you'll have more and more people coming to you for advice. And it's easy to be temporarily blinded by your seemingly wide knowledge and have opinions on everything. Sometimes a junior developer just won't risk making a decision, and you'll have to call the shots.

On one hand, once you have enough experience, especially if you've actually benchmarked and monitored your real, production application, you'll get a lot of knowledge they don't teach in schools - it's not "is node.js faster than python?" (it is btw, but also it depends?). It's "is this kind of web server with these libraries doing these kinds of calculations while using this kind of database under this kind of load with this data structure... is it faster than a slightly different combination of these ingredients?"

The things you will learn will often be very specific, but also you'll gain confidence and intuition. Assessing maturity of a project - let's say, a redis replacement - will require more than just seeing many github stars does it have. Comparing feature set, testing drivers, doing a load test (what kind of load??? what concurrency, what message size, how many unique key/value pairs? how many reads versus writes?), testing resiliency, backups, etc - that's the proper procedure, but realistically, your company won't allocate the proper time for these things always, so you'll have to take risks and make educated guesses.

The key is in admitting what you don't know. It's fine to make mistakes, it's fine to guess, it's fine to feel uncertain or feel bad vibes about a project, but it's important to have the acute self-awareness and being able to tell which things you're certain about, and which you've guessed based on circumstantial evidence. One thing that I discover again and again - developers are afraid of things they don't know. (Sort of like real humans! Shocking.) But they don't often realize they don't know things, and instead interpret the feeling as their own wisdom.

Anyway that's it, that's the rant.

tl;dr Learning a bit of everything has its place in software development, but be aware of the dunning-kruger effect. Reading the marketing spiel and watching a youtube demo doesn't count as really knowing a technology. Having 10 hours with it barely counts as hello world. Having 100 hours can mean something only if you've put it to production and measured it. Having 1000 hours in something can be called a competency. But it will still take 10'000 hours to be an expert. Count your hours. Know which are you.

#how to be a senior developer #software development #career advice #long post

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