#btw if anyone is sick and tired of seeing these from me then either block me or the live blogging tag

[arofishskull]

Malevolent post part 9 ramblings

They're friends again! Coworkers? Something like that. I thought this would be more of a moby dick situation rather than anything else but I guess I was close. So needless to say, the tentacle symbol was related to the lake, not The Other Voice(TM)/The King in Yellow(??? the jury is still out on that one I think). I do wonder how John killed Arthur's partner (forgive me for not remembering his name) because it likely wasn't through Arthur's body. It must've been during the process of it being loosned from the book and bound to Arthur's body, not that it was explained how exactly that process went. Arthur's partner did approximately die around that part though, so John would know. The big question is naturally also why John killed Arthur's partner. It said it did so because it wanted to. Either, there was an addictional reason for it OR John with its full memories wasn't nearly as nice as current John. The way it acted towards Arthur, immediately yelling and cursing at him, would also be an indication of that. It's very much possible that The Other Voice(TM) is actually just a version of John with more/all memories, thus less human. Stories about someone who lost their memories who then ends up regaining them are interesting because the person they are with amnesia effectively stops existing the moment the memories come back. The new memories made might still influence them but they're a drop in an ocean when put together with the full picture. Still, sometimes those new memories do affect the former amnesiacs and their personality and decisions afterwards. I do believe John is something bad thathas lost its memory and whose almost sole frame of reference is the human experience, lived through Arthur. It is quick to violence and killing but shows mercy and even sympathy towards the supernatural beings that haven't actively attacked Arthur. (the wraith and (what they assumed to be) the widow, at this point) John said about the wraith that it leaned towards setting her free because, depending on what it is, it might also want mercy once its true nature is revealed. It's possible that John sees itself in these supernatural but humanoid beings, provided they're not assumed to be posessed by The King in Yellow.. Actually, hell, it's possible that John IS The King in Yellow, or at least a part of it. There haven't been any established rules on how any of these things work thust far so I don't think it's out of the possibility. Arthur barely remembered himself before running into the problem with Eddie, who likely was already influenced at that point. Also, the part the Arthur briefly had complete amnesia and recovered from it is also pretty interesting. This could imply that he was almost taken over, maybe in an unconscious state (which is why he wouldn't remember his partner's death) but it wasn't succesfull because he woke up. It's an odd detail that seems a bit too important to disregard.

[sams-venting]

Man, this place is so genuinely fucked up. It used to be so nice when the sun and moon show first started out, before it ever got popular. I want to go back.

I've been in a lot of fandoms. Big, small, it doesn't matter. There's always drama no matter what because there will always be obsessive exclusionist and extremist in every corner of the internet. That's just how shit works.

Day in and day out I've seen a fucking lot over the years.

I've watched adults groom minors countless of times no matter where I go, I've had a mutual fake his suicide to the point where I cannot return to an entire fandom without thinking about it, I've watched minors catfish adults so they could make callout posts for clout points on two Major occasions in two completely unrelated fanbases, I've received death threats in middle school for defending someone that'd been doxxed and harrassed for 'being a roleplay freak' to the point I have to avoid an entire RV park to avoid getting jumped irl to this day, I've watched one of my closest friends on tumblr get dogpiled and sent porn, specifically, because he said it was weird to unironically draw heeman abs on an 8 year old, and told an anon all the blogs he had blocked (not knowing it was a bait ask). This was back in 2021 when we were both kids btw and absolutely nothing has changed in terms of cyberflashing minors, __^ literally right before that I warned him of a blog that drawing porn of sonic characters so he could block for his own comfort. because again we were both kids, who do not like watching adults publicly posting porn of characters that are depicted as kids, in a fanbase full of other kids. it was weird in highschool and it still creeps me out now. --- not even getting into the popular blog who did this shit then proceeded to cover everything up, tried to gaslight everyone, then went on an alt to block evade in order to harass and fake-claim. bc how dare a diagnosed teen say they have the mythical disorder of OSDD clearly we should stalk and humiliate them for saying they don't like me /sarc

Sounds, awfully familiar, doesn't it? History really is a circle

And yet, none of that even compares to the hell that is this fandom.

Never before, have I had a ptsd response to seeing someone's Name alone. Never before, just looking at someone's blog have I gotten flashbacks to being exposed to literal CSEM photos of a girl that looked too fucking much like me.

But I can't stop. I'm not allowed to look away. Because there's Always something happening and that's what it takes to stay safe. You can't protect from something you don't know about.

And it's been like this for Months. I am sick and tired of the hives and the vomiting every time something happens. I couldn't even enjoy my own birthday without spending every second panicking that someone I cared about was going to commit suicide from the amount of bullshit people throw at each other.

I'm, still scared of that more than anything. You cannot hurt me in a way that matters, until it's someone I know of taking their own life. In fact, that Is the only way to hurt me. It doesn't matter how well I know them or what they've done either.

And I don't care how that sounds either. If someone is That deserving of death then kill them yourself instead of hiding behind a screen and chanting like a cult of cowards. I have Zero toleration for it. Either be willing to get your hands dirty or shut the fuck up.

That, I think is a part of what really gets under my skin in this fandom. The pathological liars. the manipulation. the gaslighting, the coverups. I used to pride myself in the idea of getting to slaughter the worst of the worst.

As both a blessing and a curse, this fandom has poisoned any romancing of vigilante justice I used to have. I've quickly found out the reality is that, this place is both too light and too dark. That reality is messy. And there will never be anyone here that matches the evil close to an out right "The Daily Capper".

And yet, I almost miss every traumatic rabbit hole I've ever been in. If I had a chance to choose this, or to watch NSFL footage, I'd choose the latter in a heartbeat. Because not even the anguish of triggering my psychosis, of purposely self harming through finding shock sites to literally cause brain damage, compares to the amount of pain it is to be here.

'then leave'

That would be the easy way out. I'm not allowed easy way outs because that would mean I could finally give in to the ideations. give em an inch and the enemy takes a whole mile, you know how it is.

And a royal fuck you if you think I'm going to back down.

There is nothing heroic about suffering. About choosing to lay in the grave that is your hill to die on. But too much of my time and energy has been spent. I cannot afford for it all to be in vain. Fuck winning or losing, I don't care about proving that I'm the strongest anymore, that I can withstand anything. It's never been about pride, not this time.

I can't live with myself for wasting an entire year like this, when there's not even 6 left for me.

I can't be in pain for nothing

...I think that's the most fucked up thing about it all. about how badly this whole thing has caused me to relapse.

Do you know what it's like to miss having your intestines ripped out of your body? to feel your insides become your outsides for a moment?

Do you know what it's like, to be envious of my only problem being that I don't fucking die on an operating table. That the only thing on my mind was the ticking tower of death, and wondering if I'd only get to see 2 out of the 10 year prognosis.

A part of me wishes that I didn't make it. I could've been happier. I could've died not being betrayed by someone close. I could've died, not dating anyone and then breaking their heart when the original host alter they were qpp with died and split into 3 different kids right before Christmas last month. I wouldn't have to exist.

And I can't even leave. I am trapped by my own design. and as much hatred that boils and seethes inside me, I know that in reality I have no one to blame but myself.

So here we are. It has been, two weeks? I think?? since i have left my roleplay partner on read. I told them part of it was holidays and family, and the other part was me getting stuck on world building. Which, is true. I quite literally ran into a writing road block with moon, and tried to speedrun learning how to build animatronics. I'm a nerd at heart, and they know that STEM topics are usually hardcore special interests of mine.

I didn't however, tell them the other major reason why I haven't finished writing my response. We're friends, but we're not close enough that I feel it is socially acceptable for me to just trauma dump like that. that's not cool, and I don't want to lose them. They're the only real reason why I want to stay with tsams, outside of the 'for the love of God do not let this all be in vain' looming overhead

In reality unbenounced to them, I've been having mental breakdowns and panic attacks almost every single time I log into tumblr. Because aha, if you wanna make block lists you unfortunately have to acknowledge that there are people you don't like. And, although realistically more than half of the fanbase is going on there, I won't let myself blindly slam buttons. That's too much, even for me. Paranoia? Fine. Paranoid delusions? nuh uh, we're not entertaining that around here. which means if I have to block anyone I have to write down the exact reason and save proof if the accused reason is big enough to warrant it.

So of course that means constantly exposing myself to revolting bullshit.

At first, I thought that it was all in the moment emotions. I can handle emotionally imbalances, that's part of being a bpd bitch. I'm a quiet type, therefore I didn't think much of it. The internet is full of shock content anyways, the news especially.

Till, a persecutor alter kept deciding to take things into his own hands, and started stirring shit against everyone else's wishes. And of fucking course, I don't find out about it until a day later when the fucker starts bragging about it.

For about a week there had been a lot of in-fighting since then because of it. No one else was okay with what he was trying to do, which was essentially trying to antagonize and get under the skin of a few specific people that he deemed as "the source of the problem". Which is not fucking okay and I'm extremely ashamed and disappointed that I let it happen. I don't care that there's nothing I could've done to prevent the amnesia from blocking me, at the end of the day I am the host, the ambassador, and I'm supposed to be in control and responsible for the entire system.

It didn't hit me until today when I started writing the vent that I had unintentionally been negative triggering the persecutor to front the entire time. Because on any normal day, ____ is a back-up host for when I'm not conscious. He was Supposed to only be an ex-persecutor and a symptom holder. New year new me went the worst way possible.

Without further adieu: I am royally fucked no matter what. I try to block everyone; I run the risk of triggering ptsd. I don't try to give into the paranoia; I run the risk of impulsively lashing out in public. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

...I was at a point where, originally I wanted to be spiteful, to come out arms blazing and be the cringiest mf in the entire fandom. And along the way, I wanted to make friends... but I don't think that's possible anymore.

I do not trust a single one of you outside of my rp partner. And at this point, I've decided that when I do make shit and post it, I'm staying out of the tags permanently. I only make things for me and the only other person in the room that Gets It anyway, so I'm not going to bother with the stress of my stuff circulating outside of my mutual circles.

I fucking hate that it feels like I have to go into hiding in order to do normal fandom things though. But I don't want to risk it. What is "It" idk. All I know is that I'm tired of living in fear all the damn time, or letting my heart continue to be consumed by the botflies of wraith. This isn't me, and I despise that I had let myself become the very thing I hate because of this place

Tbh I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's unhealthy to live with that mindset, but I can't get it to stop gnawing at the back of my head. Yet, if it doesn't, or even if it does. I have a feeling that I won't have the energy to care anymore. After a while, when you're running months on end with panic, everything is just numb. I feel absolutely nothing after writing all of that now.

Maybe it's just the consequence of being emotionally drained, or staying up once again till 1 am. But the spoons are spent. And anymore that I have, I need to save for the people I'm close to this time. I don't have room in my heart to care about anyone else.

...I'm thinking maybe it's time we say goodbye to this blog and any others like it. Regardless of whether or not I finish my quest for safety, I don't need to know. I don't need to be 'up to date' on the latest bullshit of the month. It's not healthy and I clearly can't handle temptation.

Until someone doxxes the identities of the gore anons, I'm done and it's getting ignored. No more hypervigilance

.

[votederpycausemufins]

I’m tired and I’m not really sure how to write Fundy, but here you go. BTW, i already have a solution planned for them getting in, so if anyone can send me an ask on what they think the solution is uhhhhhh idk you get a cookie or something.

@petrichormeraki​

Grum was just finishing up the first floor of their new base when someone approached him from behind. “Hey there, haven’t seen you around before.”

Grum didn’t turn to face them, just continuing to build, though he did catch what looked like a fox tail in the corner of his vision. “That would make sense. I am new to this world along with my brother.”

“Is that so? Met many people yet?”

“Three people. No wait, four. The admin of this world of course visited us due to us being new arrivals. There was a ghost that first greeted us upon our arrival. A Sheep hybrid named Puffy has been giving us temporary housing until this place is complete. Finally we met with a man in a creeper mask known as Mister Sam who assisted us with a redstone issue.”

“I’m sorry, ‘Mister Sam’?”

“Correct. I wish to not upset my brother as the stories he has heards from bzzt about bzzt leave the association with the name do sometimes cause problems.”

“I’m sorry what the fuck was that?”

Now Grum turned to look at the person, wondering what the problem was. Immediately the person jumped back and Grum could see they were a fox hybrid which was clearly on display from their fur being extremely puffed up. Obviously, they were scared of something, so Grum looked around and found nothing. “You seem frightened. May I ask what is causing your concern?”

“What’s up with your face?!”

“You mean my monitor? That is because I am a robot. Unlike what I assume would be everyone else on this server excluding my brother, I was not born but built. Or perhaps you are referring to my small stature and voice seeming to belong to someone young while I have the bzzt of my bzzt.”

Slowly the fox hybrid was calming down, though Grum could tell he was still on edge. “Uh so, you just met with Dream, right? You’re not like… he wasn’t the one to create you?”

“No. My creators are bzzt and bzzt. They made me for bzzt bzzt but after that was over, they bzzt bzzt bzzt bzzt until bzzt bzzt and thus took my brother and I to bzzt and made our bodies.”

“Are you doing okay? Is your wiring fine or…?”

“I believe it should be fine. I could allow you to take a look if you wish.” The hybrid seemed to be much calmer now and his tail swished in minor excitement. “I will go to a place to turn off so you can safely look at my wiring. Please do not cause any damage…. I am sorry, I did not catch your name.

“The name’s Fundy. What’s yours?”

“My name is Grumbot.”

“Cool. That stand for anything?”

“Correct, the name of course comes from me being a robot, but it is also a combination of bzzt bzzt bzzt bzzt.”

“...Good to know.”

Grum walked inside the barely finished building and sat on his bed next to the charger before turning himself off. He was slightly worried about something bad happening while vulnerable to this Fundy person, but they just seemed a bit curious which was perfectly fine.

When in sleep mode, Grum had dreams, but never really while completely powered off, which was odd when he had one. He was playing a game with someone who was getting more and more frustrated that they didn’t know the password he had thought of. They tried his name, his server name, Jrum’s name, his dads’ names, a lot of names. But then also things he liked, like building and making music and hearing his brother talk about redstone.

“Did you see anything in there?!”

“No! No I swear I didn’t see anything that would give us any answers!”

Grum laughed, they were getting so frustrated. And it seemed like now there was a bet going on for who could figure it out first. He wasn’t sure what the first person would get out of it, but it sounded like the second would get a phone call with a famous redstone person. Maybe Jrum knew who it was.

“Please! I’ll keep trying to figure it out. Maybe he’ll be able to tell us once he’s awake or something just please let me have the communicator!”

Once who was awake? Who were they talking about? A third person who wanted to join the game? Well, perhaps they would continue the game until they arrived. It didn’t seem like these two were getting close to the answer at all. He asked if they were going to keep guessing.

But then he woke up. He was no longer in bed, Grum assumed he was moved when Fundy was looking at him. The admin was also here. “Oh, hello there Dream. I am sorry if I was unavailable. Fundy was worried I had an issue and wanted to make sure I was doing well.

“Yeah, I saw. Asked Fundy to check something for me too. We ran into a small issue, but nothing major.”

Grum tilted his head. “What was the issue?”

“Well, we tried to access something and it completely locked us out.” Fundy answered, Grumbot wondering why the hybrid sounded nervous.

“The only things that should lock you out are my files, and only the most important files. Ones that could cause me great harm if they were messed with. I ended up locking them away after meeting bzzt again, but I made sure that they can be accessed during emergencies through a password.”

“What’s the password?” Fundy asked, before quickly adding on a clarification. “Uh, y’know in case uh, it’s like one of those ‘too weak’ passwords.”

“Oh, I do not believe it is. While there is potential for it to be too weak, it is something that those I am close to would know, thus making it a perfect password since if you were someone who knows the password, I would know it would be safe for access.”

“Riiight. Hey anyway, Dream. Does this mean I-”

Dream threw something at Fundy. “Knock yourself out. One call for every time you help me with this.”

“R-Right.”

Grum tilted his head, curious about why Fundy seemed so on edge. “If it is an important call, you can take it here. I would not mind. I also do not have to pay attention if it is a private call as many of my functions will be focused on building this starter base.”

“I’m sorry, starter base? This is already pretty huge.”

Grum looked back at the single floor he had built. “Correct. I would like for it to have ample room for the resources my brother and I collect.”

“Ah, right. Forgot about the… two of you thing.”

“That does remind me that I should contact him to see how he is doing. He likes to get himself into trouble and I would not like for him to find a way to lose another life.”

“I’m sorry, another?! You guys have been here how long and he’s already lost one?!”

“There was an issue in our creation. Both of us have lost a single life in attempting to be recognized in this world. So theoretically, we both started with two lives.”

The hybrid looked like he wanted to say more, but didn’t until starting to walk inside. “Uh, I think I’ll take your offer on going inside to take this call.”

“Very well.” Grum nodded and then he pulled out his blocks, ready to continue building.

“Grian stop! You’re just hurting yourself even more!” Mumbo held Grian’s arm, trying to pull him back to the ground while also dodging the flapping wings.

“No! I… There’s… know that… I’m…I know there has to be a way in there! I’m a Watcher! I can get in there!”

“Mate, just let us go in there.” Phil spoke up. “The four of us are supposed to be in the SMP. If you can’t get in for some reason, I’m sure we can.”

Grian shook his head. “Those two are Mumbo and I’s kids! If anyone is going in there to bring them home, it’s going to be us!”

“And so what? We can just go in and at least fix whatever Dream did so you can get in.” Tubbo suggested.

“Absolutely not!” Grian finally landed to directly focus on Tubbo. “I am not letting any of you back there after the horror stories so many of us here have heard! Especially not Tommy!”

“Aww come on big man! We all know what the fuck we’re getting into. Besides, we haven’t been gone that long. Well I have, but I’ll just stay in the shadows or something.”

“That’s even more of a reason for you not to go!” Grian shouted before looking at Phil. “You have to agree with me on this, right?!”

“Well…”

“Are you sERIOUS?! We have gone over this already. I’m sick of hearing you being a sucky parent. I don’t need to see it too! Especially after Mumbo said you were going to try and fix it!”

“Tommy was able to get through all of that and he’s willing to go back to help you. He may not be officially an adult, but he’s not an absolute child.”

“Hey Grian?”

“Not now Mumbo. He didn’t get the chance to be a child because of everything the people there put him throu- I said not now!” Grian whipped his head around to look at Mumbo who was looking quite serious.

“Grian. Stress sent a message. Iskall got a call from someone who they’ve had complete radio silence from for a few months now. Someone that has come up in a few discussions.”

“If it’s not the boys, I don’t care.”

“It’s Fundy. And he’s trying to get help from Iskall on some redstone wiring that is my design. Specifically what I used for the boys.”

“Oh that’s not fucking good.” Phil said first, while Grian was in too much shock.

“G, please, we need to fucking go there. We don’t have any fucking time to wait for you to find a new solution!”

“N-No… If you go there… then…”

“We’re going there whether you want us to or not. Only reason we’re not gone yet is because you’re holding us up.” Techno spoke up, crossing his arms. “Leave Tommy here if you want, but send the rest of us.”

Grian looked conflicted, but Mumbo put a hand on his shoulder. “Look, I don’t like it either, but I don’t like any of this. We said we’d be there for the boys, and right now, us being there is not being there and using up more time to try and find a way in, okay?”

Grian hesitated, but eventually sighed and relented. “Okay. I’ll send you guys over.” And he uses his Watcher powers to send the group of three into the- “Wait.”

“What’s wrong now?” Techno asked, rolling his eyes. “We don’t need you changing your mind now.”

“You can’t get in either.”

“We what?!” Tubbo asked, half shouting from confusion.

“I mean you’ve also been blacklisted. It doesn’t make sense. I… why would you three get blacklisted?”

“Are you saying that none of us really can’t get in?”

Grian hesitated. “Well, obviously yes. I-”

“You haven’t tried it with me yet.” Tommy spoke up.

“No! You are the last person who should be going there alone!”

“But I can get in, can’t I? Dream’s always been obsessed with me. I won’t be blacklisted. I can guarantee it.”

“Absolutely not! What happened to you always saying you never wanted to go back?”

“It’s gonna be one time and it’ll be quick. And I can get back out, I’ll just do what I did last time!”

“Tommy you don’t know what you did last time!” Grian ruffled his feathers angrily. “You are not going and that’s final!”

“Then what the hell are we supposed to do?” Tubbo asked. But Grian didn’t answer.

Iskall and Stress were flying towards the coordinated Mumbo had given to Stress. As they flew, she did her best to help make sure Iskall didn’t crash into anything as he continued the conversation they were having with Fundy. “Are you absolutely sure he doesn’t have a mustache or anything?”

“Yeah! It’s just a fucking smiley face like Dream has!”

“Okay and you still haven’t seen Jrum?”

“No. I’ve tried asking this guy but he won’t stop building and I sort of don’t want to press his buttons too much.”

“Can you contact anyone else about him?”

“Uh… lemmie check with Puffy. Fuck I hope this doesn’t mess things up with you.”

“Look, if he takes your comm away again, Grian can find a way into your server. My only surprise is he isn’t there already.” Iskall looked up, glad they did so at the right time to straighten their flying. “Any idea if Mumbo isn’t with Grian?” 

“I messaged both o’ them love. And I doubt they’d be apart right now. Somefink must be up.”

“Hey Iskall, don’t want to worry you much more, but I’ve also been told to try and find this kid’s password to his important files. I know It’s probably not wise to mess with those, but at the same time, that could be the only way to fix him.”

Iskall sighed. “I wouldn’t know that. That’s gotta be something only Grian and Mumbo know. They haven’t told us much about that, Stress and I especially.”

“That’s- oh shit!”

“What?! Fundy what’s going on?!”

“The kid. Fuck. what the fuck’s going on with him? I… Is that the password?”

“Fundy!” Iskall shouted, getting the hybrid’s attention this time.

“He suddenly fell off the area he was building. His face is going crazy. Like it's how I’m seeing it, then how you describe it, then it’s just a big heart, and he’s just repeating the word gorgeous.”

“He’s what?!” Iskall was so startled they nearly had their elytra close from how they jerked in surprise. “Fundy you need to turn him off and open him up. We’re almost to Mumbo so he should be able to help walk you through it.”

“Okay I-” Fundy’s voice cut out.

“Fundy? Fundy?! Dammit!”

“Try calling him back?”

“I’m trying!” Iskall shouted in frustration. “It’s not going through!”

“Well I see everyone up ahead. I’m sure they can fink of somefink.”

“I hope so.”

Jrum was humming as he walked towards where the charger had been placed. He took a slight detour on the way there to play in a pond, but now he was almost back. He could even see what Grum had been building from this distance. It would be a nice place to stay while they tried to get home. Or waited to be brought back home. It wasn’t like no one was trying to rescue them. They had lots of people who loved them. Even if they had been left alone for a while… Him stuck in the shopping district… not completely sentient during that time… and his brother left in a box…

Well, he shouldn’t dwell on that. He was almost to the house and he would use the furnace and cook some clay he had gathered. Jrum may not have been the best builder, but he liked to help with accents here and there. And there was clay in the pond so they could have some flower pots. Jrum had even found a nice little sprout in his inventory that he hadn’t remembered picking up, but it was very pretty!

“Gruuuum! I’m back with lots of stuff!” There wasn’t an immediate answer so he yelled again. “Gruuuuuum! Stop building and look at what I-” He finally got past the doors and found Grum in bed with a fox person who had opened his repair hatch and was looking through it. “Hi there! Who are you?”

The fox looked up and at Jrum. “Oh thank god you have a mustache.”

“Uh, yeah? Did something happen to Grum’s?”

“Yeah, you could say that. He’s got a password on some important files and I think I need to access those to help him. Please tell me you know what it is.”

Jrum rubbed his chin before nodding. “Yeah! I can put it in for you! But you need to turn him on enough for me to use it.”

“Right. Fuck… what did we do before. Uh…” Fundy did something and Grum turned on. “Okay yes! There we go!”

Jrum looked at his brother whose face was fuzzy. “Hi Grum! We need to get to your important files because you’re a little sick or something. Can we see them?”

“Those files are protected and require a password to access.”

“Well I have the password!” Jrum said before leaning in to where Grum’s ears were, getting right near the pinhole opening of a microphone. He made sure to be very quiet so that the fox person couldn’t hear him since hybrids like that usually had better hearing. “The password is Mumbo4Mayor.”

Jrum leaned back as Grum processed what had been said. “Password has been accepted. Files can now be accessed.”

Jrum watched as in front of the fuzzy image of his brother’s face, files and programs appeared like his monitor was the desktop of a regular computer. It made Jrum wince a little, just another reminder of what they were. Maybe that was why no one had shown up. They could just be replaced. They-

“You okay there?” Jrum looked up to see the fox person looking at him.

“Yeah! Thank you for helping my brother!” The bot held out his hand for a handshake. “What’s your name?”

“Uh, I’m Fundy.” He shook Jrum’s hand, having some trouble as the sort of lego esque hands and his paws made the whole thing a little difficult.

“Fundy? And you’re a fox hybrid?”

Fundy nodded. “Uh, yeah. Sort of obvious.”

“And your dad is named Wilbur and your grandpa is named Philza?” Jrum continued to question.

“Yeah, who told you about that?” The hybrid narrowed his eyes skeptically.

“Grum! He knew ‘cause of grandpa having been a king or something.”

“Okay? How does that fit into knowing that?”

“Because Philza’s my grandpa too!”

Fundy’s mouth opened in shock and he stood there for a few moments before finally speaking. “... He’s what?”

“So. W-What do you do for fun here?”

“Think of things I’ll do once I get out, get myself killed sometimes to see if I can glitch myself out, yell at my dad over and over again and hopefully annoy him into giving me company. Usually he doesn’t because I think he’s still scared I’ll try to kill him again.”

“Isn’t he like, literally death itself or something?”

“Yeah! And the fact that I can actually probably kill him scares him!”

“Alright… uh, what else do you do?”

“Hmmm… sometimes I like to scream until my throat is raw, other times I try swinging around, uh, then there’s messing with food delivery when it comes.”

“Wait shit, you’re supposed to be here! What if I starve because I don’t get food delivered to me?”

“Eh, technically I could let myself die to send you something, but I probably won’t.”

“What? Why not!”

“Because hopefully you die and respawn at spawn so you can come and free me!”

“What?! I don’t know if I’ll even respawn, much less out of this place. I don’t really understand all this hels dimension bullshit so I might not even respawn if I die here.”

“Oh you will. I have tried multiple times to kill your kind and it never works. Though I suppose EX was admin and NPG’s a robot or some shit.”

“So I still might die and not come back? I don’t want to end up stuck like the bots are!

“Oh stop complaining, it could be worse.”

“How? How could it possibly be worse?”

“I’ve been in here alone for a couple years now. You at least have company. I have to keep yelling for Death to show up.”

“Wait. Wait maybe he can let me out! He comes If I call him!”

“You’re not his son.”

“I mean, technically I am. Here. I call the angel of death. … Oh come on Phil! I call the angel of death! … Phiiiiiiil! I call the angel of death! I call the angel of death! I call the angel of death!”

“Oi, can you stop that?”

“Phiiiil!”

[emerald-studies]

Racism in Education

June 27, 2020

Day 6 of 7

[ These are just some thoughts I have in my head about this topic, it isn’t meant to be a purely academic discussion. It’s meant to be a conversation to learn about another perspective. ]                                                

—-    

Ok this will be my most challenging post. This is a long read but I’d appreciate you reading it all because I’ve been doing free emotional labor for almost a month and if you want to be an ally, that means learning from other perspectives. So please read. This drained me so much to write, please make it worth it. 

You have the time, please read.

As I stated in my intro, I moved from a very conservative State (I don’t even want to say the State because I hate it so much.) to Washington State. I moved after graduating online school a year ago. 

Growing up in that State I was almost always the only Black girl in my class. For my whole educational career. I hated when we would discuss the civil rights movement because I could feel my White peers staring at me, like I was the face of my race. 

It was junior year that broke me. 

I began the year optimistic. I always did, even though I had experienced racism before each year, pushing me to move to 4 different schools in 4 years. 

I moved to a school in a rural area with a lot of mormons and maybe 5 Black people in the whole, huge school. 

It was in September that my mental health plummeted. I don’t know why. I guess I was overwhelmed. I was in an AP US History class and there was work over the summer that everyone else did, but I didn’t. I had just gotten there, after all. I didn’t have the textbook. That class was such a heavy workload that we were having a quiz every other day, 1 test a week, and I was trying to study for a test that my peers had months to study for, and already took. 

I attempted to take my life, but I knew I didn’t really mean it. I’ll be honest about that. I just wanted everything to stop so I could catch my breath. 

I went to the ER on a Thursday night. My Mom drove me. 

We sat in the ER for a little bit and then I was taken to a little room where a nurse came to talk to me. BTW I have never had a good interaction with a nurse.

This nurse came in and basically shamed me. 

“You’re so young. You have your whole life ahead of you. You don’t need to do this to yourself.”

Yeah, no shit. I thought about that every day. My grades, getting into college, getting into law school.... that’s the point. I was overwhelmed. 

She suggested that I punch a pillow if I “Got upset” because that’s what her daughter does. 

Fuck off. 

The Doctor came in and he gave me butterfly bandages and he was so much more understanding, shockingly. (I’ve shadowed Surgeons and Doctors and they can be a little abrasive).

I liked that the Doctor fixed me up. I liked having this wrap around my wrist. I felt like I could move on. Like I let something out. 

The Doctor asked if I needed to stay at this place that dealt with cases like mine. 

I said,

 “No.”

I couldn’t have that on my record for what I want to do. So, I went home.

I took the Friday off and my Mom visited the school to let them know what happened. I was already preparing for pity.

I had to come in on Monday to set up a 504 (students with disabilities act) for depression. I don’t think I had depression, but whatever. I dropped out of AP US History.

They made accommodations for me: more time on tests, working in the library, more time on assignments, etc.

I want you to know that I did not touch those accommodations for 5 months. 

I knew I didn’t need them. I maintained a 3.8 GPA.

I sat in a room with all 8 of my teachers (we had a block schedule 4 classes per day alternating), seeing all of them look at me with disgusting levels of pity.

They each talked to me in private saying things like,

“If you ever need anything, let me know.”

“I’m here for you.”

“You matter.”

I thought,

 “Hm ok, that’s nice.”. 

I went on for months without using my accommodations and practically wooping my “normal” classmates in intellectual discussions.

But then the casual racism I experienced was escalating. 

First, in the beginning of the year, my AP US History teacher put his hand on my head and said to a student,

“If you really believe that, Faith would be a slave right now.”

(I don’t remember what the hell we were even talking about)

Then I got little questions/comments like,

“Why do you dress White?”

“Cracker is just as offensive as the n-word”

But now we were going into Black History Month. My new history teacher was an old White Man and we were talking about the civil rights movement, while in English we were reading “Black Like Me” with my blonde, Female, millennial teacher.

I nailed everything in the civil rights movement discussions. The teacher loved me. I nailed the conversations about “Black Like Me”. 

But....I don’t know. The environment got really toxic. There was more racism, gaslighting, slurs. Every. single. day. It could break anyone.

I would be on the brink of tears in class every day. 

Guess who didn’t notice? 

All 8 of those concerned teachers. 

They don’t give a shit. 

My grades were still pretty good, but I started working in the library. I couldn't be around all of those racist peers. 

While in the library, my counselor would come in and interrogate me. 

“How long have you been in here?”

“Have you tried, really tried to go to class?”

Of course I tried! I felt like I wanted to be dead and so I left. That’s what the 504 Plan was for. Again, I hadn’t touched my accommodations for months so I thought maybe these grown adults would use their tiny brains and think,

“Huh maybe she needs help.”

But no. 

I would go to the counselor almost every day and say 

“I’m not doing well.”

And she’d ask,

“What does that mean?”

Ok...so I have to tell this Woman that I feel like dying but not at my own hand? Because she can’t use social cues and read my face stained with tears?

I couldn’t say anything. 

She said,

“What can we do to keep you going here?”

I said,

“I don’t know”

Because that’s not my job.

Then it happened. 

My history teacher was talking about affirmative action.

He said,

“If I worked at a bank for 30 years and went to work at another bank, FAITH would get a job over me because she’s a BLACK WOMAN. Do you get that? She covers TWO minorities!” 

He said this while pointing his wrinkled finger in my face.

None of my peers said anything.

I replied with,

“Well, what are my qualifications?”

He ignored me.

He went on a rant teaching his opinions, not facts. So I wrote down what he said on sticky notes. 

I called my Mom at break and asked her

“Is that racist? Do I do anything?”

I was so desensitized to racism I couldn’t tell anymore.

My White Mom, my awesome Mom said,

“YES.”

I went to the Vice Principal and reported the teacher and gave her the sticky notes. 

The next day we got an email from the principle saying that the teacher said, he never said anything about me.

So I was a liar?

To get evidence, I recorded the whole next class. I was scared every minute that he would find out. 

He didn’t. And he said more awful things.

I had concrete proof.

We told the Principal and he ignored me. My Mom emailed the superintendent (very high up person in the school district) and oh now he responds? 

They basically said,

“We gave him a warning, he won’t do it again.”

Ok so he just will hide his racism now. Just remember, teachers legally aren’t allowed to teach their opinion. The Supreme Court deemed it unconstitutional to teach opinions.

I was still required to go to this racist Man’s class. I still answered every question he posed to the class and he recognized my intelligence. 

So WHY?

WHY me?

The whole year he loved having me as a student and then....that?

Moving on to my English class.

We had to do a cultural experience trip and so my acquaintance and I went to the Black History Museum. Because I’m Nigerian-American. I do identify as Black though because everyone assumes it anyways, but I wanted to learn more about the history in my city.

We were required to make presentations talking about the experience we had. I decided to add a little twist. 

I made a whole slide in my slideshow dedicated to every racist thing said to me in that class. 

The slide was met with laughter because racism is just so funny.

My teacher said nothing. 

So I, the student, the minor in the room, had to say,

“I see you laughing but this is why I’m leaving this school. This is serious.”

Nothing from my teacher. 

Cut to maybe a week later and I was done. I was sitting in my English class about to burst. My acquaintance asked me,

“Are you doing ok?”

I replied,

“No. Absolutely not.”

A classmate checked in on me, while all my 8 teachers who actually knew about my attempt on my life didn’t.

We went outside and I decided to leave the school that day. Three weeks before summer break. I couldn’t be in either class anymore. I felt my brain rotting from being exposed to the absolute shit that those students/teachers would spew, every day.

I lost my 3.8 GPA

I lost my credits for the semester.

The racist teacher is still working.

I had to go online.

It happened again.

Another racist history teacher. 

Wasn’t removed.

I graduated with a lower GPA.

Didn’t apply to my dream school.

I have the trauma seared into my brain. I’m terrified of taking another history class. Terrified.

Ok, that’s it. If you made it this far, thank you. It took me awhile to write this. I hope this gave you another perspective. 

--

So.... discussion time. 

Let me know what you think here

I’d like to hear from you since I delved into my trauma. 

I don’t think I’ll ever tell this story again, it makes me sick and tired. But I’ll answer questions/asks.

If you have a lot of White guilt and wanna do something, you could donate some reparations to my venmo lol: 

@faithrebecca1397 (last 4 digits are 4809)

or paypal

http://www.paypal.me/faithrebecca1397

Edit: People are asking me if they can reblog this. YES PLEASE REBLOG. It’s important to let people know that all types of racism are alive and well.

[soundofez]

for @mastar-week 2020, day 3// legacy

yet another star-centric side story to We Fill the Skies, set as always in the Leagues & Legends universe. i have a lot of emotions for both max albarn and sebastian black and i need to compensate for how little screen time they had.

(slight spoilers to we fill the skies, btw, but who cares about that when you can have Feelings.)

—

Max Albarn was usually all wiry strength and indomitable pride, a ramrod straight spine and perfect square posture, but now his back was bowed, his shoulders quietly sloped. Oscar had never realized before how thin his classmate was, how small and fragile. It looked wrong.

He turned back to his paper. They weren't friends, he reminded himself. And Albarn had plenty, anyway, if he needed a shoulder to cry on.

- We Fill the Skies, Chapter 2: Promises to Keep

—

Sebastian Black was tired.

It wasn’t the exhaustion of travelling for two weeks— travelling didn’t tire Seb like that. Seb didn’t get tired, usually, except from Elsewhere storms, and that wasn’t exhaustion so much as it was nauseated sickness, brought on by the feeling of magic trying to escape from his body to that mysterious other plane via fishhoks in his gut.

Seb didn’t get tired, except that now he was.

He hadn’t seen the note when he’d gotten back— it had been late, and he hadn’t want to wake the roommate he’d thought asleep in the next room. Instead, he’d crashed straight into his bed and gone to sleep himself, already looking forward to catching up in the morning.

Now, the desert sun was shining through the kitchen window, promising a hot day. Seb stood at the kitchen table, note in hand, and he was tired.

Papa died, the note read. I’m taking his ashes back to the Forest. Be back a week before classes start.

—

Seb was the only University affiliate to come home from the expedition. He didn’t like thinking about that, about how his professor and his classmate had gone missing, about how the other three students had all stayed behind while he’d gone home like a coward.

They hadn’t told him, either. That’s what hurt the most, if he thought too hard: that they’d simply agreed without him. And maybe Seb hadn’t talked to Ford much, but he’d spent every day with Kilik and Casper, and still they’d said nothing. They’d waited until the last second to tell him, too late for him to do anything, when even the Academy people had seemed to know what they were up to. They hadn’t given him a choice.

Max hadn’t told him, either, back before they’d even left on the expedition. Max had been chosen, not Ford, and yet when Seb had first arrived at the announced point of departure, he’d found Ford waiting there instead.

“What are you doing here?” Seb had asked.

“He didn’t tell you?” Ford had replied. “He gave me his place on the expedition.”

Max hadn’t told him. Seb hadn’t admitted that to Ford, had ignored Ford’s silent pity. It wasn’t Ford’s business.

And Ford had seemed to agree. They’d talked on the expedition— the group was too small for them not to— but Seb had kept him at a steady distance, even as he’d listened with rapt attention to Ford’s many stories.

Maybe he shouldn’t have kept that distance. Maybe Ford would have said something if he had.

Seb didn’t do regret. The concept was anathema to him. You couldn’t change the past: your only option was to do your best in the present. He got frustrated with Max, sometimes, because Max seemed to regret everything.

Seb didn’t do regret, and he wasn’t about to start. He stuffed some coin into his pocket and left the empty apartment to find some food.

—

Ford wrote to him first.

Seb was surprised. He wasn’t much for letters, preferring action instead. (Max scolded him for this all the time, but Seb was vaguely aware of the hypocrisy. Seb wasn’t the one who furiously applied twice to the University with different genders to prove a point, and then had to scramble for housing when the point was proved.)

Seb wasn’t stupid. He knew he wasn’t normal, not just because his already-rare gift for magic was especially strong, but because his mind ran on different tracks from everyone else. His classmates teased him for asking dumb questions in class, but Seb had some of the best grades in the University, and it was only a little bit because Max helped him study. (You’re an auditory learner, Max had once told him. There’s nothing wrong with that.)

Point being, Seb could read, he just didn’t like to because it took so much effort. It was with some surprise that he found his eyes on Ford’s neat signature, having devoured the rest of the letter. He’d enjoyed listening to Ford’s stories during the expedition, but he hadn’t expected the enjoyment to transfer to Ford’s writing.

His eyes dropped to the last line, tucked plainly under the signature:

P.S. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.

Seb read the postscript several times. It would be just like Ford to get it, the creep. He shook his head, but he grabbed a pen and paper from the kitchen’s junk drawer and sat down to write a reply.

When he was done with Ford’s letter, he grabbed more paper and started another.

—

Max’s letter came a day before Max did. It sounded almost normal, filled with their usual banter (You picked up a pen without me? Is there someone you want to tell me about?), but it also told Seb when Max would be home.

Seb spent the entire day at home doing chores. When he heard Max’s familiar footsteps on the stairs outside, he immediately positioned himself at the front door.

It worked. Max opened the door and walked directly into Seb’s open arms.

“You should have told me,” Seb grumbled into Max’s hair. It had grown since he’d last seen her. Underneath the smell of sweat and desert sand and sun was a hint of green earth. “I would’ve stayed.”

“I didn’t want you to,” Max mumbled, and burst into tears. “Damn it. Damn it.”

Seb hugged her tighter, rocking gently on his feet. “They didn’t wring you out in the Forest, did they?” he teases gently. “Amateurs.”

They didn’t bother untangling themselves as they sank onto the couch of their tiny living room. Seb shared memories of cool mountain air, of red dust seeping into his boots and staining his clothes, his chin knocking against the top of Max’s head. Max returned the favor, recalling the damp shade of the Forest’s enormous trees, the looming closeness of the canopy as it blocked out the stars, her breath warm against his collar.

When their stomachs growled, Seb shooed Max away to clean up while Seb toasted some bread with the Elsewhere’s fire. They settled around the kitchen table for a simple meal of buttered bread and a wedge of cheese, and this time Max asked after Ford.

Seb snorted. “Why do you care about that creep?”

Max shrugged. “He knows what he’s doing. After me, he’s the obvious choice.” She scowled. “And I want to make sure he didn’t mess around too much. I recommended him, so his performance affects me, too.”

“He stayed.”

Max looked up. “What?”

Seb’s throat was unexpectedly tight. He tore off a mouthful of bread, chewed slowly, swallowed. “It went wrong. The expedition.”

Max looked livid. “What did he do.”

Seb shook his head. “No, it wasn’t Ford’s fault, it was Kim.” He made a face.

Max’s anger didn’t complete subside, but she still snorted. “I should’ve known.”

Seb grinned at her, but the expression died quickly. “The expedition went wrong,” he repeated. “Everyone else... stayed in the mountains.”

Finally, Max seemed to sense his emotions. “What happened?” she asked.

Seb exploded, suddenly frustrated. “Nobody told me!” he snapped. “First Jack and Kim go missing, then Professor Montero disappears— they say he’s dead! And then we just— kept researching with Professor Yumi, and I thought maybe that was it, because what the hell was anyone supposed to do?

“Then, as we’re leaving, Kilik and Casper and Ford all say they’re staying, they have ‘relatives’ or something—” he adorned the words with finger quotes— “but I know they’re looking into it! And they didn’t tell me— they’d all let the University know, or something, but not me.

“Professor Yumi escorted me home. Just me!” He looked at his hands, dragged his fingers like claws through the air, yanking at the magic that hung there and everywhere else. Gold fire pooled into his palms. “Because I’m a mage. Because I’m powerful, but that puts me in danger up there, or something. But hey, Kilik got to stay, and he’s a better mage than me!” He ripped more and more gold from the air, snarled, “Stupid Sebastian doesn’t know anything, so why bother telling him?”

He quieted when Max wrapped her hands around his fingers. He was shaking, he noticed dimly. His vision was a golden blur. His lungs heaved with the effort of drawing so much raw magic.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I know I should have told you. I just— I couldn’t. Not then. I c-couldn’t say anything about Papa, not then, so I just... didn’t.”

Seb didn’t get it, not really. It felt like their differences surrounding regret: he simply didn’t look at the past, but Max overflowed with what-ifs and if-onlys. He sensed it now, something fundamentally different about them, that while he sought company to relieve his pain, Max retreated from people to... to drown in it, maybe. (To digest, Max would tell him later.)

Seb didn’t get it, but this wasn’t the first time he didn’t get something. At least he knew how to ask.

He breathed, and slowly the gold faded from his vision. All the remained was just Max, just Maka, his oldest friend.

“What happened?” he asked her, and this time she told him.

The bustle of the Albarn clan had felt so much like her Papa, yet not. Maka hadn’t grown up in the Forest, and Spirit Albarn hadn’t spoken of his family, only of his beloved wife, Maka’s mother. The Albarns had loved Maka, but she hadn’t been family like Spirit was. It had hurt, so much, to see her Papa’s smothering affection directed at everyone but her.

“I would have gone with you,” Seb said. (I would have smothered you, if only you’d told me to, he would have said, if only he could find the words.)

“I know,” Maka replied, and smiled sadly. “But it wouldn’t be the same.” But she let him hug her anyway, and instead of going to their separate rooms they curled up on the couch together and fell asleep catching up.

[szopenhauer]

If money was no object, would you change your wardrobe? I would add to my wardrobe more than change

How do you/did you get to school? walk, then by bus

Have you ever been in trouble for something you honestly didn’t do? yep

Is the idea of having a secret admirer creepy or romantic? creepy

What was the last song you sung out loud? https://youtu.be/wycjnCCgUes

Were you excited to learn to drive, or scared? worried that I’ll waste my money

When was the last time you felt incredibly tired? today

In your opinion, who doesn’t deserve to be famous? many people

Was it hard for you to get up this morning? not really

When was the last time you colored with crayons or colored pencils? few months ago

Do you feel comfortable talking about your disorders, if you have them? depends

Where did you go on your last field trip? not sure which was last

Do you think you make a good first impression? no

Do other people’s first impressions stick with you? might

Have you ever had to give up on someone? sure

Would you rather break up with someone, or them break up with you? them break up with me (not my decision) but usually it’s the other way around

Do you think it’s okay to like a cover more than an original? umm...

Are you calm in emergency situations? depends

Who are you most attached to? my dad

What do you depend on other people for? money mostly :(

What goes through your mind when someone breaks up with you? depends

Do you match your shoes with your outfit? sometimes, it’s not that I have enough shoes to do that lol

Do you feel more comfortable with a male or female doctor/nurse? female 

What was the last thing you bragged about? not sure what was last

What’s the ugliest thing on your wall? umm...

Who’s your favorite philosopher? Schopenhauer because of all the memes

Do you think Freud was out of his mind? well I prefer Jung

Einstein? he was cool

Who’s your favorite painter/artist? I like many 

What day is it? Friday

Are you wearing anything blue?  nah

Do you know anyone named Graham? just bread :P

Are you sitting next to anyone? not currently

Do you dislike the last person you Facebook messaged? nope

Who’s the quietest of all your friends? K. always was 

Are you home alone right now? If so, where are the people you live with? my mom’s home, my dad is at work

Are you a chocoholic? noooo

Is there a song that reminds you of the person you love/like? Do you listen to that song often? one of them is t.a.t.u. - All the things she said

Do you listen to music while you fill out surveys? sometimes

In the past week, what song have you listened to the most often? not sure

While playing video games, do you prefer being first or second player? second 

How many people do you depend on? not many

How many people do you think depend on you? they could live without me

What is the worst color combination? brown and black?

Have you ever injured yourself walking around in the dark? yeah

What’s so scary about clowns, anyway? nothing to me and it’s annoying that they’re part of so many horrors

When was the last time you acted like someone you’re not? sigh...

How many hats do you own/wear? shitload

Do you ever receive comments on your weight? ppl are jealous of my weight so basically my illness :(

Is there anything that you do just to make other people happy? of course

What was the last thing that you wrote down [with a pen/pencil]? not sure what was last

Has anyone told you that you have a nice smile? my gf only

Are you uncomfortable with being photographed? yup

Do you like playing tic-tac-toe? I always win What about hangman? I played it couple of times Are you dangerously in love with someone? woah 

Are you cute or sexy? cute Is English your 1st language? it’s not Did you ever perform in front of your entire school? elementary - more than once Did your older sibling ever tell you freaky stories that you believed? one time she told me that school was flooded and there were fish and frogs and then I said that to my mom and she called me a liar and got mad even tho I explained to her it was my sister’s idea :(  Are you single and proud? you can be single and proud as well as be happy in a relationship too, I am in one now  Are you more happy when you’re with people or alone? 90% of time alone What do you think about guys shaving their legs? that’s their life Do you wear lipstick? nah Name something you lost or gave away that can never be replaced. I don’t wanna talk about it

What music album would be used for a movie about your life? soundtrack to my life would have to be a mix of songs from different bands/vocalists

Who was your first crush and what made them special? she was just adorable with her clumsiness and her perfect body and that face and voice and she was just a pretty cool friend to me and I wanted to take care of her so badly, she was the very first girl I ever had a crush on irl if not in general but she was hetero and she changed a lot (not in a good way in my opinion) Write about your first kiss. Was it everything you wished or hoped it would be? I... I never imagined my first kiss before it happened?...

Write about something you now know that you wish you knew earlier in life. How could this knowledge have helped you? blergh

Name one thing you feel brings out the good in people. there’s no such thing, it’s all about the person  If you invented a device that could fix one problem you are facing right now, would you use it? What problem would you like to solve? absolutely, my health issues Name something you found; what was it and where did you find it? I’ve found shitload of stuff but one thing was the most odd and that’s a taxidermy ferret shawl someone left on a bus stop - at first we thought with dad it must be alive but we came closer and realized someone lost their piece of cloth and we took it  Describe the longest amount of time you have ever been away from home. almost a month, I was in hospital Name a celebrity or famous person you wish would take you out on a date. - Have you ever seen a ghost? it seems, it was not just white but a little bluish, no legs and weird face - shaped like in a clay, mostly transparent, slightly glowing, it was in open doors of my room, I woke up with a weird feeling that someone’s watching me and I got really scared so I hidden under a blanket and didn’t look there again until morning, I was trying to convince myself it’s just a shirt that was hanged in the hall but mom said there wasn’t anything like that there at night, now I wish I could see that again hoping I would try to do something more brave about it, I kinda worry I was rude towards them whoever it was 

*btw my grandma said that after death some chemicals leave the body and fly like a fog through the cemetery if casket and grave aren’t blocking it too much Describe your note-taking style and habits. everywhere and usually not in line, can be even upside down, just random, different size, clue words etc. Do you believe that we are all here for a reason? What might the reason be? suffering to deserve heaven? Have you ever done something just to feel the danger, or to feel alive? I hurt myself today To see if I still feel I focus on the pain The only thing that's real What are all your thoughts on god? overthinking... What did you learn today?  for example - that explaining things to people make me realize more than just thinking about something What 5 traits do people first notice when they meet you for the first time? ask them Have you ever carved your name or initials into a tree or stone? poor tree :( In what ways have you traveled? car, bus, train, bike, even a little bit by ship What historical events happened the year you were born? nothing interesting

Do you watch really old tv shows or movies from the 1970’s or earlier? sure

What would you do if you saw a complete stranger dealing drugs in public? nothing If you don’t have to be up by a certain time, do you like to sleep in as late as possible? no longer than 11 am What are you wearing at the moment? Is it for any particular reason? pajama because it’s past midnight and I should be asleep but I have to finally finish this survey then dry my hair and drink some water first Are either one of your parents retired?  my mom is and my dad will be soon Do you buy a lot of DVD’s, or do you tend to just watch everything online for free? watch online, I have no money for buying movies that I’ll watch less than 3 times Does everyone in your household own their own computer? nope

Are you a good gift giver? I try my best and been told that I am despite not being rich 

Do you know what XOXO stands for? hugs and kisses

What’s the first person who comes to your mind when you hear the word blue? me

Have you seen any of the Harry Potter movies? first ones

Do you like your significate others siblings? I don’t know her brother

Have you ever recieved a singing birthday card? omg I loved those and I wish I got one :(

Do you remember who your kindergarten/pre-school teacher was? I liked her so much I’ve been sending her cards on holidays years after

Were you ever a girl scout or a boy scout? never

Do you own anything made of lace? hmm...

How many people do you share a name with? I don’t know anyone with my name

Imagine your dream home, does it have a fence around it? if it’s not an apartment then of course it does, highest possible and thick as I don’t want to see or be seen by my neighbors

Do you own any yellow shoes? yep

Can you type fast? very

In school were you bullied? I was

Are you sarcastic? yeah

Do you read the newspaper? nah

If you died today where do you think you’d go? hell :(

Have you ever been to therapy? few times, didn’t help

Do you use online dating? did

Did you miss alot of school? I was sick often

What was the last thing you got falsely accused of? not sure what was last

What was the last thing you ordered online? shirt, I’m waiting for the package now

Have you ever been kicked out of a store? no :o

Do you feel like you accomplished anything today? hmm...

What is/was your favorite teen magazine? trzynastka or however this shit was called

Would other people describe you as creative? I guess

What color are your slippers? grey and white

Are you haunted by memories of stupid things you’ve said and done? constantly

Did you like high school or college better? didn’t go to college

Who was your favorite Olsen twin? I didn’t have a favorite 

Do you ever listen to Celtic music? used to, with John

Do you know a lot of rich and spoiled and selfish people? had classmates like this and neighbors too

Do you enjoy mornings? rarely, not really

Have you ever feared going to jail or thought about what it would be like? thought

Did you know that the zodiac signs (the regular ones) are Greek? ok

Have you ever learned about Greek mythology in school? didn’t like it

Do you stay up late? as you can see

what do you hear right now? nothing

what is one thing in your life you feel truly guilty for? personal

have you ever been slapped in the face? I’ve been slapped without any reason, I was bullied

how about punched? hit with a ball only and my head was hit with a bottle too once

have you ever come up with a memorable quote yourself? I’ve been quoted 

what do you think about masturbation? personal

What color did you first ever dye your hair?: either red or black

What’s the color of the bath towel you use most often?: green

Ever eaten a piece of dog or cat food out of curiosity?: ewww, nooo

Can you name one song by Prince?: Purple rain for example

Would you rather paint or make pottery?: paint

Are you currently taking this survey before or after 9pm?: after, I started over 5 hours ago...

Is the sun shining bright outside right now?: it’s the middle of the night!

Would you rather watch a horror movie or a romantic comedy?: romantic comedy ^^”

[janiedean]

It really sucks how judgmental you and some people in this fandom are of anyone who doesn't interpret the text the same way as you or who you deem as intellectually inferior to you. I agree with so many of your ideas about the characters, but I hate how high and mighty you are about those ideas. Someone isn't an idiot if they interpret Jon or Cersei differently than you.

......

lmao

okay anon, thing is: one thing is being high and mighty, one thing is telling you that you’re not reading the text.

like. I read yesterday someone being like ‘omg I read someone dared saying C. abused people and murdered someone before puberty HOW STUPID CAN PEOPLE BE’. it’s textual evidence that a) she molested tyrion sexually and that’s even without taking account my opinion re lann*ncest, b) that SHE KILLED MELARA WHEN THEY WERE TWELVE THROWING THE POOR GIRL DOWN A WELL, which means that whoever said it cannot fucking read the text because it’s black on white that she did both those things and refusing to accept it is Not Reading The Text. that’s not even text interpretation, that’s basic textual reading.

now: never mind cersei who gets a pass for about every fucking shit she pulls because she’s a woman, and don’t tell me she doesn’t because if she got as much shit about robert’s fifteen bastards that she ordered dead without even blinking as theon got for two kids that he’s felt guilty about since it happened then we could discuss it but she doesn’t and that’s not even the beginning of it. now: do you see me tagging my opinions? like, honestly, if I think something shitty about cersei, do you see me tagging it? I didn’t even tag the one time I ranted about the valonqar prophecy with her, I only tagged it with the prophecy/meta/the two characters I thought were the v. and the younger and more beautiful queen, because in the middle I said that imo cersei only cares for herself and I know ppl on her tag aren’t into reading that opinion. so: I didn’t tag it. now: how many people came in my inbox informing me my opinion of c. sucked, was biased and so on never mind lann*ncest never mind actually harassing me for it? well, enough that I had to shut down anon to avoid feeling like shit for two days about it. so like, I’m so high and mighty that I keep my opinions about people I don’t like untagged even if I think that the other side can’t read. but okay.

now, about jonc: listen, fact is, there’s exactly ten people in this fandom that I know of who give a shit about jonc period and three of them are fanartists who show up once in a while. like. exactly TEN. I made peace with the fact that no one gives a fuck about jonc, I 100% embraced that if I want content I have to do it myself, fine, whatever. but what I’m really getting sick of is that every goddamned fucking time I see the jonc tag updating (as in, five times each month if it’s a good month), it’s someone informing us of how selfish, pathetic, useless and dumb he is FOR THINGS THAT ALL OF THEIR FAVORITE CHARACTERS ACTUALLY DO ALL THE TIME and for which fandom at large praises them. or something about how him being in love with R is the most horribly pathetic thing that’s happened to adwd, or how he’s an idiot because he apparently hasn’t understood that aegon is fake because his eyes aren’t the same color as R’s when not even dany’s or viserys’s are, but no one says they aren’t targs for THAT now, do they? and sorry but reading that this dude would treat either rhaenys or jon snow like shit when this is canon:

Last night he'd dreamt of Stoney Sept again. Alone, with sword in hand, he ran from house to house, smashing down doors, racing up stairs, leaping from roof to roof, as his ears rang to the sound of distant bells. Deep bronze booms and silver chiming pounded through his skull, a maddening cacophony of noise that grew ever louder until it seemed as if his head would explode. Seventeen years had come and gone since the Battle of the Bells, yet the sound of bells ringing still tied a knot in his guts. 

Others might claim that the realm was lost when Prince Rhaegar fell to Robert's warhammer on the Trident, but the Battle of the Trident would never have been fought if the griffin had only slain the stag there in Stoney Sept. The bells tolled for all of us that day. For Aerys and his queen, for Elia of Dorne and her little daughter, for every true man and honest woman in the Seven Kingdoms. And for my silver prince.

now: it’s there black on white that he feels guilty for BOTH elia’s and rhaenys’s death, it’s not interpretation, it’s what is fucking written in there same as you can’t interpret that ned’s head got cut or cat’s last thought before she died was about ned loving her hair. so excuse me but I’m tired of going into a character who’s in my goddamned top ten and have to always, always run into people assuming he’s a pathetic selfish asshole (and the one time I tried to argue that there’s no way he’s *selfish*, maybe all the contrary to a pathological degree, the answer was basically ‘lol cannot hear you’ and not even a reblog but nvm that) rather than actual content because any of those people who have a obvious hateboner for jonc can’t just fucking tag it with *anti* jon connington. no, they have to use the character name and it’s never *content*, it’s just this drivel over and over again. and since I don’t do it with characters I don’t like, I’d appreciate if I could have the same courtesy spared for this asshole.

that said, the situation is that *one* single person (that I blocked but that’s apparently not enough for tumblr to spare me from seeing them on the tag) has asked that question to multiple blogs which all agree on jonc being shitty which means that it has popped up on the tag a whole lot in the last month and like....... if you don’t like that character why do you care so much, IDEK, but wow, I wrote one post, that I tagged with the character only, saying that ppl don’t bother to read his chapters (btw, one of the people who replied that he’d have been shitty to both jon and rhaenys was someone I ended up blocking because they were on the tag like ‘lololol grayscale I’m sure elia is laughing from the afterlife’ and when I told them it wasn’t funny and if they could avoid tagging that stuff I got told to fuck off but fine I guess, that was me being holier than thou I suppose...) which is true because they don’t, they only base their reading of jonc on that ONE line about elia which is a) obv. proof he’s jealous, b) way less bad than anything cersei and barristan think about her just to say two but lmao I don’t see them getting dragged for it, but everything else? what? two full chapters? do they exist? tyrion’s chapers? never knew them.

like.

anon, tbqh at this point if you wanna think I’m holier than thou just think that because while I like to think I’m not, if there is one thing I know I’m good at is text analysis (okay, last time I said I got two degrees based on text analysis I got told ‘ah okay so if she studies she’s obv. bragging so she knows nothing’ by someone whose main theory was robb stark is the unsung villain of these books but lol I mean having studied this counts for nothing, right???) and it irks me that in a fandom based on books/text analysis I have to read **meta** which is obviously made by people who haven’t read the text and then when given a counterargument ignore it. but even with that, do you see me engaging with it? nah. I can 100% assure you none of the people I would like to see out of the jonc tag actually go on the jonc tag nor follow me, so they will never know that I think their opinion is shit unless they go looking for it. and this because I might have engaged with at least two of them on the topic once - and nicely, not *judgmentally* - and no one gave a shit or reconsidered their stance, so like, excuse me if once per month I write a post on my own blog venting about how imo a character I like gets a shit treatment.

and for the love of god, anon, sorry, glad you like my opinions, but the fact that you’re coming at me assuming I am judgmental when I come from a fucking month and a half of people literally harassing me on anon over my fucking triple-tagged opinions on c/ersei and lann/incest and ignoring anything I said about how uncomfortable it was making me just because I happened to, in the most generous explanation, WRITE A META WHERE I C/P-ED CANON QUOTES WHERE C. WAS AWFUL TO J. WHEN IT CAME TO HIS DISABILITY which GRRM wrote, certainly not *me*, and it happened to get reblogged by asoiafuni, is really, really rich.

like, I tagged that shit to hell and back so people who aren’t interested in jb wouldn’t find it, I made sure to warn every time, I even tag anti-c/antijc posts so they don’t show up on mobile search in case ppl don’t have the anti tag blacklisted because I’m THAT invested into making sure other people can blacklist if they feel like it, but I can’t fucking say on my blog that I think some people in this fandom pull their meta out of their asses and haven’t even read the chapters of the character they’re supposed to discuss? like... really?

also, I’ll tell you a secret: I don’t remember 90% of what happened in dany’s adwd chapters and I don’t remember about 60% of what happened in her got-asos chapters. zero. now: do you see me meta-ing about dany and/or discuss her arc if not in extremely broad terms unless asked? no, because while I don’t particularly like her, I also don’t think it’d be fair for me to meta about her BECAUSE IF I DON’T REMEMBER HER CHAPTERS THEN I’D BE PULLING OPINIONS OUT OF MY ASS, and I don’t go judging anyone’s opinion re dany beyond the basics because mine is that her chapters are so boring I can’t even remember them. at most I’ll discuss the show version and I can swear to you that even if I’m not a fan or anything I’m still more lenient with her than about 90% of people who aren’t fans, and since I don’t pull meta out of my ass for people whose chapters I haven’t read, I would be extremely grateful of the rest of this fandom paid jon connington the same damn bloody effort, especially when he has TWO of them and hating on him that way is like... why would you, just ignore his fucking existence and let us ten ppl into him have a decent tag.

btw, the ONE time I dared say on a post that wasn’t tagged to hell and back to avoid people finding it ‘it’s kind of hypocritical that people fight themselves over bi!CHARACTER headcanons *because asoiaf doesn’t have lgbt POV CHARACTERS* when they ignore jonc exist and he actually is an lgbt pov character so maybe it’d be nice if they cared about the rep’, I got someone like WELL HE ISN’T LGBT REP ENOUGH, and on the other side I’ve had people actually giving me shit for liking him/writing him content because I’m straight so how do I dare writing a gay dude, and like, idk, since I can’t like him in peace in that sense, can the universe allow me to at least not see bullshit on the tag or is that too much to ask?

and to end this rant: anon, not to be that person, but fyi I’m hardly the person who dictates how the wind flies in this fandom unless we count maybe theon/robb fandom as a ship, my opinions aren’t nearly as popular as opinions belonging to ppl who imvho don’t read these books and that’s fine, I don’t particularly care beyond cultivating my garden as voltaire used to say and see if anyone else wants to come and see the flowers and in case they’re more than free to take some, but like...... the idea that me expressing an opinion about the fact that people in this fandom don’t use the same standards when judging characters and some haven’t read the book or forgot it and assume they know anyway is somehow being high and mighty when I also don’t tag that shit 99% of the time (with jonc I do it just because I know no one but me and ten other ppl goes on that tag) when there’s people in this fandom who outright deny what’s written black on white and actually literally harass you on anon for it when I can 100% swear to you that the only times I’ve gone on anon in my entire life were for a) memes that required being on anon, b) sending people headcanon requests, c) sending people I ALREADY KNEW and who KNEW IT WAS ME personal things that I didn’t want ppl to attach to me because I don’t owe 100% of my life history to tumblr dot com and I always put my face to my opinions.

like, glad you like my opinions, but honestly, if you think this is me being judgmental, fair enough but maybe I’m also tired of having to read stuff that’s based on not having fucking read the book.

thank you.

[jess-the-vampire]

@furibundosanta

And you assume something along the terms of me changing a ship wiki page’s percentage, run by the fans might i add, is considered an “awful mistake”? 

The entire wiki is run by fan opinions you know. Everyone’s opinion is not exactly going to be the same thing. It’s not a crime to change it to how i feel fitting, nor is it an insult.

It is a fan wiki in the end of it all, something made by the fans anyone is allowed to edit.

Not like my percentages are gonna stay or anything with how frequently and aggressively the fandom puts them as low as they want.

You might see something along the lines of these relationships as “bad”, but for someone else, it doesn’t seem that way. You’re saying this as if somehow your way of seeing these is correct and no one here is allowed to feel it’s any different. Don’t tell me that’s not what you are doing, you are telling me these numbers are untrue because on your personal opinion.

What makes your opinion here, any more “real” or “canon” then mine to the context of the show?

And as far as i’m concerned, i was changing those to how they were when i last left the wiki, as both those wikis were vandalized while i was gone. They used to be there, but of course someone changed them to make them lower because of differing opinions or a dislike of the ships.

Honestly i’ve just given up on the thing, day after day of one of the worst parts of the fandom eating each other and destroying pages is painful and annoying. Just decided not to bother anymore, it was just a waste of time even trying.

And btw, if you’re going to complain about my number’s, might i remind you the starco wiki on there is currently at 99-100%, despite star having a boyfriend or anything else going on.

You can complain about my personal numbers as you wish, but at least they didn’t block out any regard for tom and star’s relationship. Thinking something as lovely as stomco, something that’s growing as a relationship, even as a friendship ,is deserving of more love then a freaking 0% is much less to scoff at then an entire fanbase putting their ship at 99-100% despite you know.....the context?

And they keep it that way too, constantly pushing it there just as much as they lower other ships’s percentages.

It’s not exactly as if i gave them extremely high numbers. But the people there seem so anti-gay that every, and i mean EVERY relationship that’s gay on there is immediately shot to a low percentage or a 0. As if no one in the fandom is allowed to think the relationships on this show are remotely there or close to any degree. Heck, even relationships like tom and janna are put higher then tom and marco, despite barely meeting or talking to each other.

 Even if you don’t think stomco is healthy, tom and marco are clearly best friends with a lot of romantic moments and support from the crew, and you don’t think that number is ok because-?

That wiki is honestly just no fun, it’s a starco fed mess where that page can be at the highest percentage all it wants, and every other relationship has to be at 0 or 5% regardless of the closeness of the characters.

You can complain about me wanting to change them all you want. But i’m personally tired of that wiki treating other relationships on this show as insignificant because “The percentage is not correct”, while simultaneously giving starco a 100 all the time when characters like star and marco either have very conflicted feelings or a partner already.

it’s pretty darn hypocritical of them.

Especially when this show has plenty of other relationships deserving of better then that. 

Starco is not the only relationship on this show, and not the only one worth caring about.

But then again, what else do you expect from this fanbase running a ship wiki?

starco is the only ship that’s good no matter what and every other relationship deserves nothing and is immediately bad or unrealistic despite what happens in the show. Right?

Fun little tidbit btw: the tomstar wiki keeps being changed from “Currently Canon” to “Was canon; Broke up”. Or adding percentages for them breaking up.

Try dealing with these people for that long and not get sick of it.

[kristannafever]

In The City of Angels - Chapter 7

KRISTANNA MODERN AU Rated: MA (violence! tw: domestic abuse / swearing)

Chapter Index

Kristoff walked slowly back to his trailer, grateful for the first break of the day.  He had of course, not been able to sleep well thinking about Anna and Hans and what Elsa had told him.  

He was saddened by an idea that was stuck in his mind that Anna might not want to see him for a while until she could figure things out.  But he was delighted when he saw a text on his phone from her when he got to his trailer.

Will you go running with me tomorrow morning?

- Sure! he texted, glad that she had asked him to go with her.

I want to talk to you about some things.  Is that ok?

- Of course, anything,  he texted immediately, but deep down he was truthfully scared of what she wanted to tell him. 

Ok good.  I’ll meet you at your place at 5 ok?

- Absolutely.  See you then.  Your spaghetti was delicious btw.  Thank you!

But there was no further response.

*****

He knew Hans was at Anna’s place that night when he drove home.  He could see his BMW parked in the driveway.  Kristoff could not help but roll his eyes.

He slept well that night, too tired to let his mind continue to worry over things which he had no control.  He woke with optimism, hoping that what Anna wanted to talk to him about was what he longed to hear and not what he dreaded she might say.

He waited until half past five before he started to wonder if she had second thoughts, or if she was trying to send him a message that it would be easier if they just avoided each other.  When the clock read quarter to Six, he went to her house, unable to leave it alone.  He was glad that the BMW was gone.

As he got to the top of the steps he saw that the door was slightly ajar, and he became instantly on-alert.  He pushed it open and peered inside.  Her lights were on and he could hear a TV, but he could not see anything to cause immediate alarm.  “Anna?”  He called into the house, but there was no response.

He knew he shouldn’t, but he found himself walking into the house anyway.  “Anna?”  He said softly, hoping that she would call back, but there was no answer.

When he got to the kitchen he could see the balcony door was open, letting the cold morning air inside, but there was still no one to see.  “Anna?”  He said again, poking his head out the door and looking down the length of the deck.

He almost missed her, pressed in the corner and hidden in shadow.  Her knees were pulled up to her chest and her head was buried into her folded arms, hiding her face.

“Anna?”  He said with alarm, approaching her.

She suddenly uncoiled and brandished a kitchen knife at him, her eyes a mixture or terror and rage.  “Go away.”  She screamed.  Her cheek was cut and her eye was red and swollen.  It took her a minute to realize who he was.  “Kristoff?” She said, voice almost inaudible as she dropped the knife at her side and began sobbing.  

Kristoff was at her in three large strides, sinking to his knees and pulling her into an embrace.  She clung to him as she cried, her body shaking.  He scooped her up easily, cradling her in his arms and walking back into the house, sliding the balcony door shut with his foot. 

He tried to place her on the sofa, but she would not release her grip on him, so he sat with her legs draped over his lap as she buried her head into his chest.  He let her compose herself, not saying a word until she stopped shaking and her breathing became normal again.  He had an idea of what had happened, but he asked anyway.

“Did he hit you?”  He tired not to let his fury flow into his voice.

She only nodded into his chest.

Kristoff could feel the white hot rage flare up within him.  “What happened?”  He asked through gritted teeth.

She finally pulled back to look at him.  He winced again at the sight of her eye.  “I told him I wanted to break up with him and we got into a huge argument and then... he... he hit me!  He knocked me down!”  She said getting angry.  “So I grabbed a knife from the chopping block and I threatened him with it and my God the look in his eyes I could swear he wanted to kill me.”  She sighed. “I’ve never been so scared and pissed off in my life.”

“Anna, I’m so sorry.”

She looked back at him with an expression he was unfamiliar with. Her eyes were flicking back and forth between his gaze and his lips and for one brief second he thought that she was actually going to kiss him, but instead she sank her head slowly back into his chest and sighed heavily.

“Anna, I think you should stay with me for a few days.”

She nodded against him.

He helped her gather a few things she would need, following her around with a duffle bag as she tossed items in.  He took the keys from her shaky hands and locked the door of her house as he lead her with his arm lightly in support at her waist, to his place.

She said nothing as they entered his home and he walked her back to the kitchen, where she absentmindedly took a seat on a stool at the island bar.  She stared into the countertop as he got her a glass of ice water and placed it in front of her.  

“What else can I get you?”  He asked softly.  

“Coffee?”  She still wouldn’t meet his gaze.

“Sure, of course.”  He said and started the coffee maker.  He grabbed a towel and wrapped it around a frozen bag of peas and walked around the kitchen island to hand it to her.  “Here”  he said. 

She looked up at him then with slight surprise, but also embarrassment and gratitude and something else he couldn’t put a finger on.  She took it from him with shaky hands and pressed it to her eye, shivering slightly as she did so.

While the coffee was brewing he ran upstairs and got a sweater from his closet, knowing that in their haste, Anna had overlooked packing something for warmth, and took it downstairs to her.  She slid it over her head without a word, lifting her hair out from the collar.  Kristoff noticed the thin red line at the nape of her neck, where a necklace had been ripped from her body.

When the coffee was done he poured her a mug, put cream in it and passed it to her.  She stared at the cup for a second, before slowly brining her eyes up to meet his.  “How did you know how I take my coffee?” 

He rubbed his hand against the nape of his neck.  “Uh, last night, when you had a coffee while making the pasta,  I saw you only put only cream in it.  I’m sorry I just assumed...”

She was shaking her head, incredulous.  “You would notice that.”  The way she said it, he understood there was some other meaning behind it, but he did not want to press her for it.  She sipped her coffee in silence, as did Kristoff, not taking his eyes from her.

He hated how dejected she looked; how defeated.  He hated Hans, and he hated that he had seemingly crushed Anna’s beautiful spirit.  He knew that she was strong, and that she would overcome, but the pain and sadness he saw in her eyes was almost unbearable.   “If he ever touches you again, I will kill him.”  He blurted, immediately regretting opening his mouth.

She looked up quickly, her face in shock and her mouth hanging open. 

“I’m sorry.”  He said eyes wide, shaking his head violently.  “I should not have said that, Anna I’m so sorry.  I’m just mad, I didn't mean that.”

“Kristoff...I....”  She said slowly and he knew she was struggling with words.

“No, please.  Just ignore me.” He said,  “Forget I said anything.”

His phone rang in his pocket as she nodded.  He quickly clutched at his pants, fumbling, then finally finding the button on the side to mute it.

He looked back at Anna, her face full of awareness.  “Don’t you have to go to work today?”

He shook his head.  “Nope.”  Just as his phone rang in his pocket again.  He cleared his throat, “Uh, excuse me a second.”  He walked out of the kitchen far into the den on the other side of the hall.  “Yeah?”  He said answering the phone.

“Uh, you are supposed to be at work...”  Sven said quickly on the other end.

“I know but I can’t.  I... just tell them I’m deathly sick... or I have a family emergency or something, anything, but I won’t be in today and maybe not tomorrow either ok?” 

“Oh boy.  What have you gotten yourself into... ok yeah, I get it.  I’ll let you know ok?”  Sven said.

“Thanks Buddy.”  Kristoff hung up, put the phone on silent and stuffed it back into his pocket.

When he got back into the kitchen Anna had retreated to the living room, sitting quietly on the couch.  “Can we just watch some mindless tv for a bit?”  She asked when he approached her.

“Of course.”  He said turning the TV on.  “What do you want to watch?”

“I really don’t care.”

He simply turned the TV on and left it at whatever chanel he had been watching last, which was apparently sports highlights.  He felt his phone buzz in his pocket.  He quickly looked at the text from Sven.

Ok so if anyone asks you had to go back to Colorado because your Aunt died okay?  But good news!!!  They’re moving the B roll re-shoot schedule up in your absence, so you have the entire weekend to yourself.  Please behave!!!

- Thanks Buddy.  I owe you one

He settled into the quiet, staring at the TV with Anna.  They remained that way for over an hour without a word before Anna broke the silence.  “I’m tired.” 

“Here come with me I’ll show you to a quest room.”  He said getting up and leading her up the stairs.  He opened a door and gestured for her to go inside. “Can I get you anything?  Something to sleep in?  An extra blanket maybe?”  She stood in the middle of the room looking back at him and shook her head.  “Ok then.  Sleep as long as you like and please call me if you need anything.”  She nodded so he closed the door quietly behind him and retreated downstairs. 

He plopped himself back on the sofa and grabbed the remote, mindlessly surfing through channels, not even paying attention to what was on.  He got through the guide three times before he realized he wasn’t reading it, so he just turned the TV off and grabbed the Braided Steel book that lay on the coffee table.  He sighed as he opened it, hoping that Anna would be ok.

As be began to read the words, he realized he was slipping back into a piece of Anna’s mind, knowing now that she had written what appeared on the page, and it gave him a feeling of awe.

*****

He didn't even hear her walk into the kitchen with his back turned to the stove.  She startled him when she spoke.  

“What are you making?”

He jumped.  “Oh, hey, Anna.  Um, I’m making us some dinner.  How was your sleep?”

“Uh fine, thanks.  You’re cooking?”  She asked perching herself once again on the stool to watch him. 

“Uh huh.”  He said.  “My parents taught me the importance of being able to make meals for yourself, so, I guess it just turned into something that I really enjoy.”  He grabbed the pepper grinder and twisted it over the simmering pot.  “I’m kind of winging this with stuff in my fridge so hopefully you like it.”

She was silent a moment before she spoke quietly.  “I’ve never had a man cook a meal for me before.” 

He turned to her, meeting her eyes.  “Really?”  He asked in disbelief.

She shook her head.  “Never.”

“Well, you are in for a treat then, or maybe not, I’m not sure how this will taste.”  He gave a tiny laugh and smiled at her wanting one in return, but she surprised him by her words with a furious yet somehow haunted look on her face.

“He called me stupid.  He told me that he was the best thing that was ever going to happen to me and I would never be able to find anyone else as good as him.”

Kristoff snapped off the heat to the burner and turned to focused on Anna, ready to listen and grateful that she felt comfortable opening up to him.

“He was mad because ever since he surprised me the other night I’ve been distant to him, but I've just had so many things on my mind lately and I needed to sort them out.  He went to bed extra mad last night because I waned to stay up and be alone, and I refused to have sex with him.... which he almost... demanded me to.”  She shook her head and let out a quick breath.  “He stormed downstairs in the middle of the night and started yelling at me that I was being a bitch, telling me such incredibly hurtful things and accusing me of....” She bit her lip quickly, not elaborating on that thought.  “I just... I mean all at once he was showing me his true colors, so I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore and that's when he hit me.  I had to threaten him with that knife, for longer than I was comfortable with, before he finally got fed up and left.”

Kristoff was silent for a moment before he asked what he had been wanting to know all day, “Are you going to press charges?”

She looked Kristoff right in the eyes and he could see that beyond any fear she had there was a ferocity in her that almost frightened him.  He could see just how angry she was at Hans for laying a hand on her in malice.  “All I know right now, it that I don’t ever want to have to see him again.”

As if it was an omen, her phone rang.  She looked at the name and showed it to Kristoff. 

“Don’t answer it.”  He said.

She nodded and put the phone on the counter, watching as it rang again.  Then again.  And a fourth time before she put it on silent.  Then the screen lit up with a text.  IM AT YOUR HOUSE I NEED MY STUFF BACK BITCH!

“I’ll go over there and deal with him.”  Kristoff said reading the screen.

Anna shook her head.  “No, I will go.  I want to see an end to this.  I want him out of my life for good.”

“Then I’m going with you.”

She nodded.  “Just don’t say anything.  Please.”

“Ok.  I won’t, I promise.”  He watched Anna get up and steel herself, then he followed her out the door to confront Hans.

[ungracefulace]

metapianycist(.)tumblr(.)com/post/136938509188/arguments-against-the-use-of-the-word-allosexual

Typically when someone blocks you, it is common courtesy to stop trying to respond since you don’t know why they did it (in this case I was tired of being called things that are not true, getting my words twisted, things like that.)

Here’s a link to the post if anyone wanted to see it, it has a pretty good argument and is from the persn who coined the term asexual (and for the record, while I see no problem with the term allosexual, I also see no problem with not using it. I just see problem with people trying to say it’s a slur or the word in itself oppresses non aces.”

And for anyone who has trouble with that format, it’s under the cut

this post is for @morecuddlzpleaz, who asked for someone to “calmly, rationally and logically explain to why allosexual is not an appropriate term to use and can suggest an alternative word to use.“

okay tumblr has erased my response twice, so my response to you is not going to be calm and emotionless like you request.

(btw rejecting an argument bc it’s not calm and free of emotion is a crappy practice. the validity of an argument has nothing to do with whether the arguer is angry or using emotive language. i trust that if you want to engage with people, you have the ability to glean the substantive content of other people’s arguments, and hold yourself to your own standard of being calm and emotionless even if i and other people don’t or won’t meet that standard.)

so i’m the person who coined allosexual in the asexual community to mean non-asexual. and i can tell you right now that when i coined it, i only defined it to mean “experiences sexual attraction” for as long as i thought that “lack of sexual attraction” was the only valid way to have an asexual orientation. so if you use “allosexual” to mean “experiences sexual attraction,” you’re calling a lot of asexual people “allosexual.” (and i do mean asexual as in has an asexual orientation, not asexual as in “the asexual umbrella”) the word allosexual was coined to replace an earlier antonym of “asexual.” allosexual denotes non-asexual, and nothing else. and before anyone says that the definition of asexual is currently expanding, pluralism of asexual identity (i.e. the understanding that "lack of sexual attraction” isn’t the only valid reason to describe your sexuality as “asexual”) has existed for as long as asexual communities have existed.

on to the arguments.

***

note: i’m not typing full arguments in this post because i’m linking to full arguments. my descriptions are summaries. read the full arguments before responding. and since i’m linking to multiple arguments, please engage with one at a time (like…by @‘ing me in a fresh non-reblog post with one point at a time and focusing on it until it’s resolved–because of my disabilities, i need that kind of narrow focus if you want me to have any kind of substantive conversation with you on any topic).

argument 1 (the clinical authority argument)

@rotten-zucchinis’ summary of their argument for why allosexual should be abandoned because of its ties to clinical authority.  clinical authority over sexuality has resulted in a lot of horrible things in the world, like the pathologization/medicalization of same-gender love, sexuality and relationships, horrifically unethical medical experiments on people of color, and the idea that scientists who study sexuality know how to describe my sexuality (e.g. what words i should use) better than i do.

rotten-zucchinis’ further explanation of exactly how allosexual gained popularity because of appeals to clinical authority. i was there in 2012 and i literally pointed to clinical usage to popularize the word, so it would be factually incorrect to say clinical authority had nothing to do with “allosexual” rising to popularity on tumblr’s and wordpress’ asexual communities.

argument 2 (not an argument as much as a “consider being courteous to aces whose primary language isn’t english”)

francophone aces in quebec have used a very similarly spelled word, allosexuel(le), in ways similar to how the q slur is used in english (to refer to all people who are same-gender-attracted and/or trans, except allosexuel/le was never a slur afaik). the english word "allosexual” refers to allosexuel people (gens allosexuels) PLUS straight people, and it shouldn’t be a thing that we tell quebecois francophone aces “well i don’t care about your language.” allosexual is not as cemented to mean non-asexual in english as allosexuel/le is cemented in quebecois french in its meaning.

my partner recently wrote about the word allosexuel in relation to the (false) rumor that “allosexual” was appropriated from “allosexuel,” and he and i are sick of that factually incorrect rumor being the most common criticism of the word “allosexual” we encounter from non-asexual people.

***

background reading for arguments 3 and 4: allosexual privilege is not a viable concept. exactly what it says on the tin. there are many groups–trans women, developmentally disabled people, and black women, to name some of them–for whom being not-asexual grants no benefits over being asexual, all else held equal. so allosexual privilege is just not a coherent thing, at all.

to expand on the example wrt developmentally disabled people, since i’m developmentally disabled: non-asexual developmentally disabled people get zero benefits over asexual developmentally disabled people. both groups have some different issues because of how their asexuality or non-asexuality interacts with the desexualization of developmental disability, but neither group has it better, all else help equal. that desexualization works to make all sexual identity for DD folks invalid, whether the identity is asexual or not. according to broader culture’s desexualization of us, DD folks do not get to have sexual agency at all.

***

argument 3 (grouping people with their oppressors as an oppressive class on the same axis of oppression)

@punlich wrote about how allosexual faces the same issue as monosexual, that is, grouping people oppressed for their sexuality with people who oppress them for their sexuality, and asserting that the resultant group oppresses *other* people on the axis of sexuality. “allosexual” groups sga people with straight people as if both groups have equal ability to harm asexual people (they don’t).

here is my understanding of this argument, with extra details and nuance. i’ve also said stuff about this in my tag “allosexual is not like cis.” also…not saying you’re doing this but jsyk it’s intensely transphobic compare people objecting to “allosexual” to terfs.

argument 4 (the hypersexualization argument)

@aldreaiskillionfalan wrote that the word allosexual and all other words that mean “non-asexual” have taken on a connotation of experiencing a certain level of sexual attraction and desire. this is a problem because it tacitly grants legitimacy to the hypersexualization of same-gender-attracted people, since it’s grouping them with straight people when same-gender-attracted people are already considered to be more sexual than straight people.

here’s a conversation i had where i attempted to explain precisely how “allosexual” and other words coined to mean non-asexual bolster this hypersexualization. this hypersexualization harms same-gender-attracted asexual people too.

***

and my suggestion for an alternate term

non-asexual. it’s worked well for me for over a year for all my asexual discourse needs. non-asexual-spectrum works too if you want to emphasize that you mean people who aren’t gray or demi either. though when i say non-asexual, i mean non-asexual-spectrum.

zsexual as shorthand for non-asexual, coined as a deliberately nonclinical alternative to allosexual, also seems promising to me. i haven’t yet encountered a situation, however, in asexual vis-ed or asexual discourse where a specific word that means non-asexual-spectrum was required.

additionally, i am skeptical of the argument that saying “non-asexual” is othering. it’s not othering asexual people because “non-asexual” is used in contexts where the focus is already on asexual people. additionally, if you’re focusing on asexual people and asexual issues, it’s not “othering” to non-asexual people to be centering asexual people in conversations about asexual issues. people who aren’t asexual-spectrum shouldn’t be centered in conversations about bad stuff that happens to asexual people, period.