#bts x trans male reader

[gggukniverse]

hot with you | jjk (m)

title: hot with you

pairing: jungkook x trans male!reader

series: cool with you

genre: m , smut , established relationship

summary: months after your top surgery you finally feel more at peace. but now that that issue is out of the way you realize there's one more thing, you would like to have a dick too.

warnings: +18, mentions of a top surgery, use of a strap-on, subby and whiny!jungkook, praise, finger sucking, frotting, handjob, oral (reader receiving) in the forms of face sitting and a blowjob (jungkook sucks the strap 😝), jungkook is naaaaasty, cumplay, facial... technically?, reader's genitalia referred to as p*ssy (like one time), coming untouched, overuse of the petname love because yeah, they are so in love it's disgusting, super self-indulgent i'm sorry.

wordcount: 4.5k

note: hi... this is nasty... i was h*rny and i needed to write it... now i'll go hide. hope u enjoy though !!!

note 2: this is written as a nb person with gender dysphoria !!! i am also aware not everyone's dysphoria works the same way !!! you are valid even if you don't relate to reader's feelings here !!! stay safe and ily !

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you stare into the full length mirror. your reflection stares back at you.

you can’t really decide if you like what you see or if you don’t. the sight is something you’ve never seen before. you look different. good. you look good. in fact, you look exactly how you’ve been wanting to look for a long long time. but it’s different.

the scars on your chest fully healed a couple of months ago and you have been feeling better than ever since then. those scars are not the reason why you keep staring into your reflection in the mirror.

“everything alright, love?” jungkook calls out for you from outside. he has been waiting for you in your room for a while.

“yeah!” you quickly reassure him. “i’ll be there in a minute.”

the reason why you’ve kept jungkook waiting for a while is the harness wrapped around your hips and thighs to hold the way too realistic dildo on top of your crotch.

technically, this wasn’t entirely your idea. it was jungkook’s.

the first time it was brought up was a few months into the relationship. he had casually asked you if you had ever used a strap on with any of your past hook ups, you had been a little shocked by the question but said no, it hadn’t really crossed your mind before. jungkook just hummed, shrugged and kept mixing ingredients for the sauce he was preparing for dinner. the topic never came up again but you thought about it for a couple of weeks until it naturally escaped your mind. you liked your sexual dynamic with jungkook and since jungkook liked topping you didn’t really know what a fake dick on your body would do for the both of you.

now you can kind of understand what it can do for you. you don’t have breasts anymore and now you have a dick that stands proud on your crotch. maybe the sight has been throwing you off because you just like it too much.

because yes, the thought of using one had left your mind back then, maybe because most of your gender dysphoria came from your breasts, but since you didn’t have them anymore you often caught yourself wondering what it would feel like to have a dick.

you blurted it out one random evening.

because jungkook has a nice dick. it’s not insanely big to the point where it's painful to take him, but it is big enough that it’s heavy on your hand when you hold it. it also has the perfect girth for you to wrap your hand around it. it’s also so pink, the color a little bit more intense on the tip, even more when you’ve been teasing him for a little. you like playing with him until he’s so hard that it looks like it hurts. he likes it too.

“i would like to have one too.” you whispered, more to yourself than to him. your hand squeezed a little around the base.

“yeah?” jungkook breathed out. you knew he was looking at you, but you kept looking down at his cock in your hand. “you would look fucking hot.”

you perked up at that and the conversation somehow ended up with jungkook coming in your hand and telling you he was gonna take care of everything.

and now you’re here. and jungkook must be getting impatient in your bedroom. but you can’t stop staring.

“hey,” jungkook speaks again. he sounds closer now, he must’ve walked to the closed bathroom door. “we don’t have to do this if you’re not ready.”

“no, no, i just–” you try to find the words. “i want to do this, it’s just… new. it’s intense.”

“hm, i know.”

“just– go back to the bed, i’ll go there now.” you tell him and you hear him hum in response before you catch the slight creak noise of the bed. “i don’t know why i feel so shy.”

“you don’t have to be shy, love, it’s just me.” jungkook replies. “i’ve seen you naked a million times.”

“yeah, but this is different,” you pout and look down at the dick– at your dick. “i feel more naked than ever.”

“do you want me to get naked too?” jungkook asks you and you can’t help but smile because he always tries to make you feel comfortable.

“no, you don’t have to.” you say and finally open the door and walk out.

your boyfriend is sat on the edge of the bed, leaned back on his elbows. his legs are spread and he doesn’t look not one bit ashamed of the tent on his sweatpants. he is so fucking hot.

“holy fuck, love.” he sighs a couple of seconds after checking you out.

“i feel like a piece of meat.” you half complain, half joke and cover your now flushed face with both of your hands.

“hey, don’t hide from me, you look beautiful.” jungkook says, sounding a little more serious now. so you let your hands fall from your face and find he has sat up straight on the bed.

“do you think so?” you ask shyly.

“you know you do, don’t act all humble now.” you snort when he winks at you.

“i feel… weird.”

“weird?” jungkook asks and stretches an arm to offer you his hand. you walk closer to him and blush when you see your dick bouncing a little with each step. jungkook is looking at your face though, a worried expression on his.

“not weird, i just don’t know what to think, i– i don’t–” you try to explain but your head starts to get dizzy when you stand in front of jungkook, right between his spread legs, and your dick is so close to his face.

“can i tell you what i think?” jungkook tells you, his eyes going from yours to your lips, then down to your neck, then your chest to your stomach until it they fall on your dick.

“yeah…” you breath out. your arms hang awkwardly on your sides, you don’t know what to do with your hands.

“i think you are so fucking hot,” jungkook licks his lips as he takes in every detail of your dick. it was his idea to get a realistic one. “you are always hot, but this… fuck, love.” he lets out a breathy chuckle and looks back up at your face.

“you like it that much?” you ask him and he nods. his eyes get so big whenever he looks up at you. he looks adorable, but your cock is so close to his lips, his pouty lips. the image is intoxicating.

one of your hands goes down to hold his jaw, you keep him right there looking up at you and drag your thumb across his lower lip. your other hand goes to your mouth and you do exactly what you’re doing with his lips, you drag your thumb across your lower lip and open your mouth when he opens his. jungkook sucks your thumb into his mouth and you do the same before sliding that hand away from your mouth and down your chest, down your stomach. jungkook follows it with his eyes as his tongue plays with your thumb.

a moan vibrates around your thumb when you wrap your hand around the base of your cock. you don’t even realize you moan at the feeling on your hand until jungkook looks up at you with big eyes.

“love,” he mumbles around your thumb, you slide it out of his mouth and spread his spit over his lips. “can i– can i suck you off?”

if the cock you’re holding was actually attached to your body it would’ve twitched and leaked on your hand.

“yeah,” you nod. “please.”

jungkook’s hands go to rest on the sides of your bare thighs and pulls you just a little bit closer, almost making you trip and fall against him, but jungkook is strong enough to hold you up. he leans closer to you and your hand unconsciously goes to the top of his head, threading your fingers across the soft locks gently. jungkook hums, he likes having his hair played with. then he gives the head of your cock a little lick and you swear you can feel it.

you can’t physically feel it, but something in the back of your brain tells you he’s actually touched you with his tongue. you don’t tear your eyes apart from his mouth on your cock when he starts kissing the tip. he kisses it like he’s making out with it and your hand tugs at his hair unvoluntarily. he moans against your cock at the feeling.

“baby...” you whine when he wraps his lips around your cock and starts to take it inside his mouth. “fuck.”

jungkook hums around it as if it tastes amazing and just takes more of it in. you almost choke on a moan when he starts slowly bobbing his head up and down on it. his eyes stay closed until he suddenly opens them and looks up at you.

“baby.”

you moan again and slide your hand to the back of his head to pull him closer. he ends up gagging and you panic, motioning for him to pull away, but he only sinks down on your cock again to take more.

“just like that, baby…” your legs wobble a little when jungkook slides his hands up to your butt and squeezes your cheeks while he keeps bobbing his head up and down. “so good, you’re doing so fucking good.” you praise as you push his hair back and away from his eyes so he can look at you again.

and fuck, you’re throbbing under your fake cock.

“this feels so good, fuck…” you whine and jungkook finally pulls away from your cock. a string of spit connects the tip with his lips. you’re about to go crazy.

“you taste so good.” he smirks at you as one of his hands starts stroking you, the slide easier thanks to his saliva. he’s made a mess on your cock.

“fuck, jungkook…” you throw your head back for a moment because even if you know he’s just tasting the material of the fake cock that’s the hottest thing you’ve heard. “this is so hot.” you mumble and look back down to him. he’s already too focused on your cock again.

“you’re so big, love,” he says and licks his lips once again. “my boyfriend has such a big cock.”

“kook baby…” you whine as he starts stroking your cock faster.

“want you to cum in my mouth,” jungkook mumbles and your hand unconsciously tugs at his hair again when he opens his mouth and sticks his tongue out like he’s waiting for you to give him your cum. “hm… would you like that?” he chuckles breathlessly.

“jungkook– i– fuck,” you moan when he starts swirling his tongue around your tip. “this feels so– so good… i swear i can feel it.”

“you can?” he perks up. his eyes get a bit bigger.

“i don’t know how to explain it… it’s like– when i look at it my brain makes me believe i can feel it,” you explain completely out of breath because jungkook keeps licking at the length of your cock. “you’re doing so good.”

jungkook just smiles up at you and kisses the tip of your cock cutely.

“wanna make you feel good too.” you say and he hums.

“yeah?”

“yeah, please lay down.”

jungkook does as he’s told, laying down comfortably on the bed before you straddle his hips.

“this is so hot.” jungkook places his hands on the sides of your thighs.

“wanna try something.” you move back a little and hover over his body to be able to tug at the waistband of his sweatpants, pulling them down. your mouth waters when you see his cock spring free, proudly hard and resting on his stomach.

“what do you want to try–? ah…” he gasps when you take his cock in your hand.

“i love your cock.” you mumble, spreading the precum on his tip all over his length.

“hm... love yours too.” jungkook slightly bucks his hips up to fuck into your hand. he’s so hard and heavy on your hand, you would love to feel the weight on your tongue but you want to try something else first.

you sit comfortably on top of his thighs and align your cock with his, pressing them together and trying your best to wrap your hand around both of them. your hands are too small for the two of you though, so you wrap both of your hands around your cocks and stroke them slowly.

“holy shit,” jungkook moans as he looks down at what you’re doing. “that feels so fucking good, love.”

you can feel him throbbing under your palms and his tip keeps leaking precum so you spread it over both of your cocks to make the slide easier.

“feels good?” you hum, taking a look at his face. he looks fucked out already. his pretty face is flushed and sweaty, his bangs sticking to his forehead. you love seeing him like this.

jungkook can be dominant when he wants to be, but you know him well enough to know that he does better being the one who’s taken care of. and you love taking care of him, you love making him feel good and seeing him fall apart like this.

“don’t stop, please.” he begs, and by the trembling of his thighs under your butt you know he’s trying his best not to fuck into your hands.

you look back down at your cocks and you throb under the harness. “our cocks look good together.”

“if you keep talking like that i’m gonna cum.” jungkook warns you with a breathy chuckle and you smile at him.

“gonna cum on my cock, baby?”

“fuck, y/n…” he lets his head fall back on the pillow for a second before looking back down, like he doesn’t want to miss anything. “let me do it.”

you hum and let go of your cocks to let him wrap his hand around them. he can do it with just one hand, it’s still a tight fit when he tries to close his hand around both of them but you know he likes it tight. he starts jerking you both off just a little bit faster than you were doing but still not fast enough to make him cum.

“baby, you’re drooling.” you manage to let out a fond chuckle when you see the spit on the corners of his parted lips and lean closer to wipe it away with your thumb.

the movement of you leaning closer to him pushes your cock forward and a loud moan escapes jungkook’s mouth. “yes! do that again!” he begs and you look down in confusion. “fuck my hand.”

you obey right away, moving your hips forward slowly and watching your cock sliding against his and into his hand. the friction must feel good for jungkook if the uh uh uh’s mean something so you keep fucking your cock into his hand until he’s whimpering.

“love, i’m gonna– ngghh… i’m gonna cum.” he mumbles so you push his hand away from your cocks and just wrap yours around his, jerking him off fast and tight. you want him to cum. the sight of jungkook reaching to wrap his hand around your cock and jerking you off at the same pace makes you moan with him.

“yes baby,” you hum as you start to fuck into his closed fist. jungkook lets out another loud moan when he sees you. “be a good boy and cum for me.”

when jungkook cums he moans louder than you’ve ever heard him moan. you panic just for a second that you will get a noise complaint tomorrow but your worries slowly fade away in the back of your mind as you watch jungkook spilling ropes of cum all over his stomach and chest.

“fuck…” jungkook sighs once he’s stopped coming. you can tell he’s spent by the amount of cum on his torso. “that was so good.”

“yeah, i can see,” you cup his face with one hand and lean down to give him a kiss that he lazily returns. “look at what you did,” you hum and look down at the mess on his torso, he looks down too. “messy boy.” you chuckle, leaving a kiss on his cheek before sliding your hand down to his chest. you get a bit of his cum on your fingers and bring it to your mouth.

“love,” he looks at you with hooded eyes as you moan around your fingers. “you’re gonna get me hard again.”

you sit up straight again and press your cock to his softening one laying on his stomach. “would that be so bad?” you hum and get some more of his cum there to spread it over your own. his cock visibly twitches but you ignore it, you just pick up more of his cum and coat your cock with it, looking at it in awe.

“shit…” jungkook curses under his breath.

“i like this,” you mumble. “i wish i could cum like you. i would feed it all to you,” you say as you pick up the last drops of his cum to pour it on your cock before you start stroking it. you can hear jungkook moan at the sight but you keep looking down at your cock, too hypnotized with how it looks. “you would take it, right?”

“yes.” jungkook breathes out instantly.

“of course you would,” you smile to yourself as you watch your fist swallow your slick cock. “my good boy would take it all in.”

“all of it,” jungkook says and gets a hold of your hips again. “fuck into your fist, love.” he says as he moves your hips forward.

you bite your lip in concentration as you stop moving your fist and start to move your hips instead, watching your cock fuck into your fist. jungkook’s cum is getting a little dry around your cock so you spit on it to make the slide easier, not missing jungkook’s groan.

“is this how you would like me to fuck your mouth?” you ask jungkook and finally look up at his face. he looks even more fucked out than before. “you want me to fuck your mouth until i’m coming down your throat, baby?” you keep fucking into your fist, slow but steady.

“yes!” jungkook nods anxiously, his messy long hair beautifully splayed on the pillow around him like a halo. he’s so pretty.

“hm?” you run your tongue across your lower lip as you lean down to hover over him again, one hand next to jungkook’s head supporting your body. “i think i would like to cum on your face though.” you tilt your head as you look down at him, taking in every single detail of his face, wondering how he would look with your cum all over it.

“please…”

"you want it?” you hum as you stroke your cock faster.

“yes! yes, please, i want your cum.” jungkook whines and only then you notice the slight creaking sound of the bed and the sight of his bicep flexing. you are pleasantly surprised when you look down and find him stroking his hard cock. he got hard again just watching you.

“are you insatiable or what?” you tease him, a little bit condescending.

“you’re so hot,” he mumbles. “wanna make you cum.”

“yeah?”

“mhm… all over my face.” jungkook hums. you can see a drop of sweat down his temple.

“baby,” you sit up again because your arm is about to give out. “i’m so wet, fuck… you don’t– you don’t understand, i need to cum.” you look down at your cock and whine desperately because no matter how hard or fast you stroke yourself you can’t cum.

“come sit on my face.” jungkook taps the side of your thigh.

you don’t even think twice before starting to clumsily take the harness off your body. you don’t even have time to be embarrassed about the mess you made right on the harness before tossing it away, throwing it somewhere across the room.

“come here,” jungkook tugs at your hips to make you move forward. “please, want to make you cum.”

you crawl on top of him until you’re on your knees on top of his face and he doesn’t really give you any time to prepare before he’s using all his strength to pull you down on his face with both hands.

“fuck!” you scream when he starts eating you out like a starved man. “jungkook… fuck…” your thighs tremble with your weight and you bring one hand to jungkook’s hair, tugging at it a little.

“so wet for me,” jungkook mumbles when he pulls away for a moment. “you’re fucking dripping on my face.” he chuckles and dives in again, lapping at your entrance as he rubs his nose against your clit.

“oh my– ah, fuck…”

jungkook smacks one of your asscheeks with his hand, pulling another loud moan out of your mouth. you start grinding against his face, throwing your head back while jungkook hums like you taste deliciously. his hands on your ass push you to grind harder against his face and it feels so good you have to support yourself with both hands on the headboard of the bed not to collapse.

“baby… jungkook, baby… i’m so close…” you whimper and look down to find jungkook already looking up at you with half-lidded eyes. “you’re doing so good, gonna make me cum,” you bring one of your hands back down to his hair, pushing a couple of strands away from his eyes. “want that? want me to cum on your face?”

jungkook’s eyes roll back and you can both hear and feel a muffled response against your entrance. he nods, the movement makes the tip of his nose rub against your clit again.

“gonna cum… gonna make a mess on your face.” you tug at his hair and the moan he lets out gives you the vibration you needed to finally come undone.

your whole body twitches with your orgasm and you hold on tight to the headboard not to fall down, even if jungkook’s hold on you is enough to keep you up. you ride your orgasm grinding against his mouth but jungkook just dives in further, using all of his strength to make you grind all over his face.

“jungkook!” you whine and twitch in oversensitivity as he nuzzles against your pussy like he’s desperate for it.

the sight is so nasty. jungkook’s face is a glistening mess with your orgasm all over it but he looks drunk on it. he only stops nuzzling against you when you tug at his hair a little too hard and beg him to stop because you’re too sensitive. he pulls away with a choked moan and a shiver.

your eyes widen in realization. as you take a look back over your shoulder you see the mess he’s made on his stomach. again. he came completely untouched.

“jungkook?” you get up on your knees, supporting your body with your hands on the headboard to look down at him.

“sorry… fuck… i don’t know what came over me.” jungkook mumbles as he tries to catch his breath. his face is all wet and he looks like he’s having the time of his life. he honestly looks drunk.

“you are so nasty,” you manage to chuckle and he only smirks, his eyes still closed as he pants. “we should go take a shower.”

you step back on your knees until you’re straddling his lap to lean down and kiss him. you taste yourself on his lips, jungkook just lets himself be kissed and you pull away with a giggle.

“you’re really exhausted, huh?” you tease.

“i am,” jungkook pouts cutely like his face is not covered in your arousal. “i don’t want to get up.”

“i’ll help you.” you finally get up from the bed and offer him a hand that he lazily accepts. you pull from him and easily get him to get up. the last few months working out with him are paying off.

“hey," he says once you two enter the shower. "did you like it?"

"yeah," you smile and nod, he smiles too. "i liked it a lot, thank you for doing this with me."

"thank you for trusting me." jungkook responds and you kiss him.

you wash each other's hair and share a ridiculous amount of kisses before walking out of the shower. you then grab some comfortable clothes and go make something for dinner. jungkook doesn’t leave your side, backhugging you while you walk around the kitchen and saying “i’m here to give you kisses” when you call him out for not helping you with dinner. you laugh and reach behind with your hand to slap his ass playfully.

“i want you to fuck me next time.”

you choke on a piece of meat when you hear jungkook blurt those words out like nothing during dinner.

“what?" you cough and reach for your glass of water to drink a little and ease your throat from the coughing. he looks at you with an amused smile.

because you’ve talked about this before. a couple of months after you started seeing each other he told you he had bottomed before and that it wasn’t really his thing. he liked topping, period. and you liked him topping. so the thought of him bottoming had never really crossed your mind.

until now.

you think back to how nice he looked panting under you when you stroked your cocks together, how much he looks to be taken care of. it wouldn’t be so bad to top him.

“i don’t know… we could try it out, if you want to.” jungkook shrugs and keeps eating.

“but i thought bottoming wasn’t your thing.” you say quietly.

“to be honest, i didn’t have good partners when i did it.”

something in your stomach twists. “oh, jungkook–”

“no, don’t worry, it’s not like that,” jungkook quickly cuts you off. “i just… i guess they didn’t know how to make me feel good, but you always make me feel good.” he gives you a blinding smile that you can’t help but return.

“i’ll make you feel good.” you nod and he giggles before diving back into the food.

you finish dinner and decide to have a couple of wine glasses since neither of you work tomorrow. you then throw a giggly and tipsy jungkook over your shoulder and carry him to bed. he mumbles something about you being so hot and then falls asleep curled up against your side.

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a/n: i hope you enjoyed this :) i will try to continue this story because i hold it really close to my heart and i love them both a lot <3 thank u for reading

[tange-my-rine]

find yourself (and me) || Tangerine x trans male!reader

Summary: You knew Tangerine well, you'd fallen in love with the guy. But when a mission goes wrong and you fake your death, he can't know a word of it. And when you finally transition after years of wishing, you can hardly even imagine running into him again. If you thought you might, you'd run the opposite way. But fate had different plans.

Request by @random-thoughts-004.

TW: mention of deadname (it's like your codename but like still), fake death, grief, blood, wounds, murder, guns, knives, scars, cursing (it's Tangerine), and all things bullet train.

[[A/N: Thanks for my first request !!! I hope I did it justice! Enjoy this slowburn and kinda angst riddled oneshot. Reader's first codename is Butterfly. Second is Beetle. (You work with Ladybug's agency.) ]]

The first time you met Tangerine was one of your first jobs ever. You remember it so well because well, the twins made it memorable. They made everything memorable, you'd come to realize but not now.

It was a gala, and you were dressed well -fancy even, with hair perfectly in place and shiny fabric cascading.

The job was an easy one, getting your feet wet and whatnot; not that you hadn't wanted the harder ones, it was just like a test run for your agency -seeing if you could do it. Which, with your experience, was kind of ridiculous but you didn't want to get into it right now.

All you needed was information from a man, some sort of billionaire -you weren't honestly sure. The location of someone else, his brother... cousin? You knew his name and that was all that mattered.

You finished your drink, and with a walk that could kill, you made your way to the floor. He was talking to some men (tall with bleached tips, and another one broad shoulders with a mustache), but you simply pushed yourself through.

His eyes, naturally, rested on you, and you used it toward your advantage.

"Hi," you smiled over the rim of your glass, fluttering your eyelashes for good measure, "-do you mind if I interrupt? I've been dying to talk to you all day."

The man, Richard you remembered, smiled smoothly, "'Course, honey. We can always pick up this conversation later."

With a glance toward the men, you pushed your arm into his and began walking away.

You had felt the eyes boring into your back at the time, but you didn't think anything of it. You probably should have, but to be fair this was a test run, was it not?

The man guided you to a balcony, empty with the night sky and stars twinkling. You would've thought it was pretty, if you didn't have an objective.

"Name's Richard," he spoke, still close by your side, "-what's yours, sweetheart?"

Swallowing the bile in your mouth (he really wasn't your type), you smirked -playfully, trailing your fingers onto his upper arm, "I prefer to be a mystery to the men I meet, Richard."

He grinned, it was working well, "I'm not the first then?"

The rest of your conversation was much of the same, low chats about things that didn't really matter -hobbies, jobs, etc. And when you casually mentioned family, it was smooth sailing.

"Got a cousin visiting one of my houses down in Miami, but I haven't seen the rest in years."

You weaseled out the name, and with a cunning smile, went to refill your drink. He'd said he'd have someone do it for you, but you said something about 'clingy already?' and his masculinity came in check.

Your job was done. You were 30 minutes from getting home, out of these heels, and watching your favorite show with the emptiness of your apartment. These kinds of crowds were exhausting, you needed it.

That was until hands shot out of a closet and pulled you in so fast you couldn't even scream-

"What the hell?"

The light was on, thank god, as you took in the man. He was broad shoulders from before, dressed in a fancy suit -three piece, with curly gelled back hair and blue eyes. Oh, and the mustache. He was your type.

You shimmied out of his grip, pushing yourself to the farthest wall, "What are you doing?! You can't just pull women into closets-"

"Who fuckin' sent you?" He uttered out, harsh and brash -british accent, your mind noted.

"Sent me?" You played dumb, "-This is a gala, I was invited, prick."

"Don't fuckin' lie to me," he hissed, pulling out a gun and suddenly, this was all very real.

"Jesus Christ," you raised your hands, "-why the hell does it matter?"

"You're after my hit," he clarified, like it was fact -pushing the gun further into your face.

"Yeah, no," you laughed, "-my job here was information. I literally just talked to him, if you paid any attention to your surroundings-"

"Awfully snappy for someone with a fuckin' gun in your face," he retorted, but you could tell that his frustration had significantly lessened.

"Shoot me then," you egged on, "-lose your cover, and your target, and shoot me."

His mouth flattened, eyes hardening, as the realization slipped over his features; you loved being right.

Gotcha.

With the speed of a snail, he lowered his gun -jaw muscle flexing. You could tell he was pissed that you were right. This was fun, you would've stayed all night to get on his nerves, if this dress didn't make you feel like your skin was peeling off.

In very different circumstances, you would've been glad to be trapped in a closet with him. But, we can't always get what we want, can we?

Without another word, you slipped out of the closet and made your way to the door. And when you got home you scrubbed your skin clean until the flowery scent of your perfume went away (it made you sick), but that was nobody's business but your own.

The second time you met him was very different. Your job was a hit, a CEO of some fancy business -you didn't really care. You'd posed as some meeting for him -after hours, it was actually really simple to get this guy alone.

Anyway, you had just shot a bullet through his head when the door came crashing open -easily, you switched targets.

Instead of some innocent, however, it was the man -still wearing a three piece suit and the same mustache. He wore it well though, so you couldn't blame him.

"Not you again," you groaned.

"What the hell are you doin' 'ere?" He replied eyes scrunched and eyebrow raised.

"My job?" You answered, still pointing the gun at him without hesitation.

He raised his hands, begrudgingly, and looked you over, "You 'ere for a hit?"

You kicked the body at your feet, sarcastically, "Ya think?"

His eyes flicked down to the man, before back up to you, "Lucky for you, I'm just 'ere for a drive. You let me go, we call it even?"

You pursed your lips, tilting your head to the side -thinking on it, "Fine, but if I see you again it's fair game."

"Can't fuckin' wait, love," he remarked, and you honestly weren't sure if it was all sarcasm. Huh.

"Butterfly," you said as an introduction.

He furrowed his brows for a moment before a wave of understanding crossed over his face, "Tangerine."

Needless to say, you left that building laughing your ass off.

The next time after that you met Lemon, and then suddenly you were a trio. You switched agencies and were constantly partnered for missions, and even when you weren't, they'd follow you and keep an eye out for you. Even when you told them that you could handle it, they still showed up (Lemon always blamed Tangerine).

You don't know when Tangerine started shifting in your head -from friend to... something else. A scary something else. But you think it started here.

You were in a safe house, one you'd crashed in a lot actually. An apartment in the city with three bedrooms and a fancy kitchen, you could picture it as a home if you thought about it long enough. Couldn't see it without Tangerine and Lemon anymore though.

It was late, and you were watching some late-night reruns of a show you'd never seen -it was some sort of love triangle, and you somehow already had a favorite actually. You couldn't sleep, it was just something in your head -nightmares. You had close calls before and tonight was one of them; you wanted to be alive a little bit longer because of it.

"Hey," the voice interrupted your haze, drawing your attention to your right.

It was Tangerine, he was wearing normal clothes -baggy sweatpants and a t-shirt with his hair ungelled (you were still getting used to it). Blue eyes flickered across you, he could read you really well -you hated it.

He didn't ask if you were okay, didn't have to he knew, just sat by your side on the couch -you offered him some blanket. He took it, closer into your side than he was before -it made your head spin just a little. You figured because you hadn't been so close to someone in so long.

Before you could stop yourself, you started talking, "You ever think about what your life would be like if we didn't do what we do?"

It was sleepy coming out of your mouth, slightly slurred, but still genuine. You always got a little talkative around him, you weren't sure entirely why.

Tangerine deflected, blue eyes fuzzy over your face (you weren't looking at him), "Do you?"

"Yeah," you muttered, low and quiet, "-all the time."

"What would you do?" he asked, and he was genuine -you could always tell when he wanted to listen.

"I think..." you started, trying to decide your words, "- I think I'd want to be married. Is that stupid?"

"'s not stupid, love," he spoke, soft with his gruff sleep voice.

"It'd be nice, I think," you hummed, perhaps saying too much but you didn't care then, "-forever with one person. With this job, you're always alone. Jumping from place to place, partner to partner. I think it'd be nice to have somebody who was always there."

Tangerine didn't say a word.

"The real question is if I'm marriable," you laughed, "-do you think I have enough positive characteristics for someone to marry me, Tan?"

It was kind of a joke, and you expected him to respond that way. He didn't.

"Yeah," he whispered, dead serious, "-I do."

You were taken aback a little bit, something unfurling in your chest that you hadn't quite named yet but you knew it now, "You think so?"

He wrapped an arm around your shoulder and pulled you closer -your head settling on his shoulder without hesitation. You stayed that way for a few moments, breathing in his cologne and shampoo -he smelt so good, how?

"Someone would marry you," he finally responded -something there in his voice but you couldn't name it, "-'d be fuckin' stupid not to."

It was going great, really great. Until it wasn't.

You can't even remember the mission now, but it was one that the twins followed you in on. You convinced them to wait out in the car, you could handle this.

And while you were, your earcon went off -static voice in your ear. You had to strain to hear it, but once you did, you wished you hadn't. It was Maria, your previous handler -you had no idea how she got your connection, actually. It didn't matter then, the voice echoing through your head.

"Butterfly, listen to me, you have to get out of there."

"Maria?" you questioned, slamming a guy's head into a wall, "-'Would love to catch up but I'm a little busy right now-"

"Butterfly, listen. You are in danger."

"Aren't I always?" you laughed, sliding a blade across another guy's neck -he sunk to the floor.

"I got intel on a manhunt for you, the White Death is looking for you. You are not safe, listen to me."

You stalled in place, your heart dropping to your stomach, breathless, "What?"

"He's been surveying your safe house. He knows what job you're on, you have to get out of there now."

One of them rushed you from behind, you promptly elbowed his throat and he let you go -you spun on your heel and shot him square in the head. It was on instinct, your brain was running a thousand miles a minute.

"I can't hide from a guy like him, Maria," you spoke, a sort of shake in your tone, "-he'll find me. He'll find the twins-"

"Listen to me," she repeated, "-we have a plan, but it's not going to be easy."

"Yeah," you sighed, "-okay. I've got nothing to lose, right?"

"There's a car on the westside of the building, you need to head that way and-"

"Maria," you thought of the twins, "-I already have a ride."

"I want you to listen to me very carefully, you are not making it out of this building alive."

"Jesus," you laughed, "-have a little faith in me-"

"Butterfly, you are not making it out of this building alive."

"I am," you replied, "-I don't know what you're thinking but I'm perfectly capable."

"You, Butterfly, are not making it out of this building alive. Are you listening?"

"I don't-"

"As far as anyone knows, you are dead. As far as the White Death knows, you are dead."

"Oh," you responded, softly, "-this is... I'm... What about the twins?"

"They can't know. The White Death will be surveying them for months after, if they don't play the part-"

"They would," you ushered out, tears burning at the backs of your eyes, "-they... They could not see me for awhile but they would know-"

"I'm sorry, but if you're actually going to stay alive, they can't know. The White Death is smart, he knows how close the three of you are. If they know, he'll know."

"Please," you whispered, you felt like you couldn't breathe, "-without them... You don't know what it'll put them through, Maria, I can't-"

"I'm sorry."

Tears fell before you could stop them, heavy and your throat felt like it was closing up (good god, you couldn't breathe). You stumbled to the window, eyes catching on the car that waited for you by the entrance -if you squinted you could see them, you just wanted to see them again. Even if it was the last time-

"Butterfly, breathe, I need you to focus, okay? For them and you."

"Will you tell them first, before... before anyone else? They deserve to-" your voice cracked, "-They deserve to know first."

"Of course."

You swallowed, gasping for a breath and desperately wiping at your eyes -it felt like you were suffocating. Even still, you righted yourself -for the twins.

"What do you need from me?"

"Leave your phone and something they would know you wouldn't leave behind. They have to... They have to believe it."

With a shaky breath, you threw your phone to the floor -it cracked, but you didn't care. You scanned over yourself, digging into your pockets for something -anything. And then you remembered, the scratching on the fabric -it was your bracelet.

It was a gift from the twins, a simple charm bracelet with one single charm: a butterfly.

You remembered when they gave it to you, you promising to keep it on every day. It was the best gift you'd ever been given-

Hands shaking, you unclasped it -watching as it clattered to the ground, butterfly looking up at you. With another breath, you pulled your knife out of your pocket -three initials carved into the handle. Something in you cracked then as you looked at it, a little shrine to you -this is what they'd see. When they were told you were dead, they'd see this. That was... That was it.

You couldn't stay here anymore.

"Maria," you swallowed, blinking back as many tears as you could, "-where's the car?"

The next 4 years were a lot. You'd finally become yourself, a man, and you lived out in a small little cabin in the woods. You lived next to a teeny-tiny town where everyone knew each other, and you made your life there.

It was a sunny day when a car pulled up to your home -a fancy, expensive one. You knew it well, it dropped you off here all that time ago. Maria.

She smiled when she saw you, skimming over you -she knew about the transition but she hadn't seen you since before, "You look good, happier."

"Thanks," you smiled, leading her into your home. She was well aware of your home, every few years, she visited. Told you things, about the twins -their successes, their failures. They were infamous now. Sometimes it felt like you were there again, you could close your eyes and smell Tangerine's cologne and see Lemon's smile-

"I have some news," Maria started leaning against your countertop -she was always so rigid, all business.

"Yeah?" you smiled, "-What did they do now?"

"The White Death is dead," she spoke -frank and direct.

Something in your shoulders lifted, tears burning the back of your eyes -it had been so long, "Did they...?"

You knew very little about what she told them then, but you do know it had to do with the White Death. You knew they'd try and avenge you one day, it was just in their blood. You hoped they had peace now.

"A few people did," she clarified, "-remember the bullet train I talked about last week?"

"Yeah, you had Ladybug on that one, right?" you asked, you knew of the guy -never met him.

"The twins were there," she hummed, "-Turned out to be planned by him. He was going to kill them all by the end of the line."

"But they survived?" you asked.

"They did," she assured, before pausing for a moment, "-I'm here to ask you something."

You pursed your lips, something catching in your chest, "I can't see them, Maria-"

"That's not-" she started, before clearing her throat, "-I want to ask if you want back in."

"Into... work again?" You asked, curious.

"Yes," she said, laying it all out, "-We have a spot open, you'd be under me. We can start out with small jobs-"

"Isn't this what we planned? All that time ago?"

"We did," Maria confirmed, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, "-but, you've been here so long. Your plans can change, you know. You could live a normal life."

You thought back to that conversation that late night with Tangerine. You had wanted it then. At the time, you didn't know who you wanted it with but now... you did. And that... that wasn't happening.

But going back to work, that was familiar, that felt normal. You'd be yourself again. You hadn't felt that way fully since that day, but you could achieve it now. Mostly.

"Okay," you responded, "-I'm in."

That is what brought you here in some office building for a drive under the name, Beetle. Well, you weren't alone. A couple of months ago, you'd been at a meeting of the agency -Maria had requested you come. You'd said something a little bit snappy and from the back, a guy with blonde hair, glasses, and a huge smile, had yelled, "I like this guy!"

That was your introduction to Ladybug, and he'd immediately requested to be your partner to Maria. He even threw in some 'pretty-please's, you'd laughed really hard that day -you hadn't in a long time. And with a little hope of some normalcy, you agreed.

Now this was pretty run of the mill, you'd worked with Ladybug to know most of his quirks -like forgetting literally everything as soon as you stepped into the building, and not wanting to kill people on Wednesdays ('My therapist says I need to start taking care of myself, this is me doing that, Beetle.').

"Listen," you turned to him, "-just keep the guy distracted, I will find the drive."

"Hey," he mumbled, eating some kind of finger food, "-Aren't we supposed to be a team? What was it that Maria said-"

"Ladybug," you sighed, he could really annoy you, "-firstly, you know she never says anything in your favor-" he nodded at that in agreement, "-secondly, do you even remember what you had for breakfast this morning?"

He paused, squinting his eyes.

"Exactly," you pointed out, "-so I will go find the drive, and you go... mingle."

"I don't wanna mingle," he nearly whined, "-I should've retired after the bullet train."

You froze for a moment, at the mention, before coming back down to earth, "You can do that after we do this, yeah?"

"Oh," he waved his hand with a grin, "-you know I could never leave you, Beetle."

You smiled then, "I know. Now, go, seriously-"

"Yeah, alright," he swatted you, "I'm going-"

With that, you slipped over to the elevator -squeezing past a few stray people and pressing the top floor. Luckily, it was some sort of company party, so every office was unattended. You, yourself, needed the top office, so out of respect for your knees -you'd decided to use the elevator.

You would later wildly regret this decision.

Around the fifth floor, it stopped. You fully prepped yourself for some stray office worker, probably holding a two-liter to bring downstairs and the awkward conversation that would ensue. Instead, it was much, much worse.

Because in front of that door stood Lemon, tips still bleached and dressed in a casual suit -the same kind he always used to wear. Your heart was in your throat, so you casually arranged your tie -trying not to let your voice come out squeaky.

"What floor?" You offered.

He didn't say a word, was just staring for a moment -brown eyes solid on you like he was reading you. You knew you looked different, and even sounded different but you still thought maybe-

"Seventh, thank you," he smiled, sauntering up to your side.

You smiled with a nod, and pressed the button.

The silence was unbearable, and you were certainly going to give Maria an earful when you got back because this. Was. Not. Supposed. To. Happen.

That was literally your one clause for this work-

"Do I know you?" Lemon asked, looking at you questioningly, "-I feel like I've seen you somewhere before. You're so familiar-"

Your tongue was quicker than your brain, "I'm Carl, Mr. Madison's assistant?"

He pursed his lips, like he was trying to believe it.

"I work on the third floor, mostly," you lied through your teeth -it was just keeping cover, "-maybe you saw me there?"

"Yeah," he settled, still eyeing you weirdly, "-probably."

The rest of the ride was silent, just before he stepped off, "Carl, if ya see an uptight guy in a suit with a mustache, tell 'im I'm on seventh, will ya?"

You instinctively nodded, and as the doors slipped shut -your brain started screaming. Of course, Tangerine was here. God, you could handle Lemon, but-

You pressed your com on, hissing out, "Maria-"

"Yeah, Beetle, what's going on? Everything okay?"

"The twins are here," you spoke -tone wavering, your breaths felt shallow like you weren't getting enough no matter how hard you tried.

"Oh shit."

"Wow," you came back to earth for a moment, "-that's the first time I've heard you lose your cool. Too bad I'm losing my mind-"

"Beetle, listen to me, okay? They don't know who you are. You look different, you sound different."

"I know," you let a breath out, "-I just. I never wanted to see them again. I don't... I don't deserve to."

"Beetle, we've talked about this."

"I know," you took a breath in, "-I know. It's just a lot."

"Is Ladybug there with you?"

"No," you spoke, like it was obvious, "-he can hardly remember his name sometimes, Maria-"

"I'll tell him there's an emergency. Send him up to you."

"But there isn't?" You countered, hand slipping up to run through your hair.

"If the twins are there for the same thing, there's about to be."

With that, you were on the top floor. You kept your eyes peeled -fancy shoes clopping along the tile. You'd always wanted a pair, but now you felt like a prick, honestly.

You figured if Tangerine was anywhere he was here, or shuffled into the party. That was if you had the same motivation.

Which was probably your best bet.

Somehow, you made it to the office in one piece. No peering blue eyes anywhere or accents melting into your ears, you were alone. Huh, maybe you were lucky.

You shuffled through some drawers, scattering paperwork and knocking a tin of paperclips over. It really didn't matter, the man would notice the USB gone anyway so no need for it to look like someone hadn't stolen it. With the drawers, you came up empty-handed.

You pursed your lips, before brushing your fingers along the top shelf of the bookshelf, maybe it was hidden? Nope.

You spun on your toes, before your eyes landed on the laptop. It was literally plugged into his laptop, out in the open.

"Idiots," you mumbled, before pocketing it with the slip of your hand.

Ready to go and fetch Ladybug, your job was done-

"Give me the fuckin' drive," his voice bounced around your head, and you very nearly cracked your neck spinning around to see him.

The first thing was the gun in your face, which was familiar, actually.

You raised your hands in surrender, instinctively muttering, "Jesus Christ."

He stalled for a minute when his eyes met your face like he was processing something -you thought out of anyone he would recognize you. The gun faltered in his hand as his eyebrows crept together into a furrow, confused.

You washed over him too, his hair was slightly longer and he was stronger -you could tell. His mustache was the same, and the suit too, just tighter. But along his neck, right at the collarbone was a nasty scar -it was new, fresh, you could tell. A couple of months at most.

"Look, I'm just Mr. Madison's assistant," you started, your voice shaking but it actually helped you here, "-I don't know what you're talking about."

"Do you think I'm fuckin' stupid?" He countered, frustrated again, but there was still something skewed in his face, "-I saw you slip it in your pocket."

"Right," you swallowed, "-glass doors."

He leaned forward, the gun doing the same. And you heard the jingle of his necklace, the one he always wore -something from his childhood he said, but there was another sound, another noise. Before you could think any better, your eyes dipped to it.

The butterfly charm.

Your heart stalled in your chest.

He had the butterfly charm, your butterfly charm, around his neck. The silver was stark against the gold, so you really couldn't have missed it -how long has he been wearing that?

A sob trickled up the back of your throat, but you held it back -blinking away tears.

"Look," you echoed, voice heavy with wear -you wouldn't cry, not now, "-we can work this out."

"I said," he stepped forward, and you could smell his cologne -it was still the same, "-give me the fuckin' drive."

You didn't move.

"Do you want a fuckin' bullet in your head, love?" He asked, his face getting redder, but there was still something in his eyes -he was hesitating. He never hesitates.

Not... not at work. He pulls the trigger and is done but he's hesitating-

Your heart pounding in your chest, you stood your ground -digging your heels in, "Shoot me. You can take it off my corpse, just shoot me."

Tangerine frowned, something in his face flickering between your eyes -you knew he saw you, but you didn't know how he did. Did he think it was just a coincidence? Did he know? Did he think he was hallucinating?

He opened his mouth, but before he could say a word -Lemon walked in with a gun pressed to his temple. Your eyes caught on Ladybug's and he visibly seemed to relax at the sight of you breathing.

"For old times sake," he spoke, "-you give me my guy, I give you yours."

"You almost fuckin' killed me," Tangerine seethed through his teeth, "-why should I 'ave any leniency?"

Oh, you thought, that scar was from Ladybug?

"He's got a point 'ere," Lemon replied, rather plainly. You wanted to laugh.

Ladybug paused, "I said I was sorry, I thought we were past that, guys! We killed the White Death together, remember?"

Both of them froze, tense and lips twitching. Was that... Was that because of you?

"Oh, right, sorry," Ladybug recanted, "-sensitive subject."

It was. Something in your chest panged, you'd never thought you'd see it firsthand. You never wanted to-

You stopped the train of thought, hissing to Ladybug, "You are not helping here, you know that?"

"I'm trying my best," he practically whined back, "-you try reasoning with these guys! It's like talking to two brick walls-"

"Ladybug," you chastised.

"Right, sorry," he repeated.

You sighed, leveling to look at them, "Look, I'll give you guys the drive, okay? Just let us go. I'll get him out of here."

Tangerine softened just a smidge -blue eyes matching yours, you may have looked different but your eyes stayed the same. You knew that, and you hoped somewhere in him, he recognized them or they reminded him or anything-

Because if they didn't, you weren't making it out of here alive.

Wordlessly, Tangerine put his gun down and held out his hand. So he did see it.

Ladybug's eyes nearly bulged out of his head, he was clearly not expecting him to relent. But then again, you weren't either.

You pulled it from your pocket, dropping it into his open hand -careful not to touch him, you couldn't do that to yourself.

"Ladybug," you spoke, motioning for him to follow, "-Let's go. We'll tell Maria on the way."

He did as such, giving the gun back to Lemon, and slowly following you out of the door -back turned to the outside, keeping watch.

"Did you-" Tangerine interrupted, stalling the two of you in your path -your heartbeat quickened in your chest, as he turned to look at you, only you, "-Did you know Butterfly?"

"Everyone knows Butterfly," Ladybug responded, "-she's a legend, even for our agency."

He didn't react to his response, only solidly looking at you, Lemon too. You felt like every move you made was outing you, revealing you. That they would realize and hate you and never understand-

"I never knew her personally," you answered, swallowing, "-Just... Just stories."

And with that, you spun on your heel and walked out the door -Ladybug following dutifully behind. You felt their eyes on you every step until you turned back around in the elevator.

You didn't do a job for quite awhile after that. Ladybug, following your lead, took a break too -said something about meditating. You didn't listen, you couldn't.

All you could see was that charm hanging on his necklace -right next to his heart. Did Lemon have your knife? Did they split them?

The next few months were boring, Maria kept calling you and you kept telling her you were okay, you just needed some time. She even sent Ladybug on you a couple of times, but even he could tell you weren't at your best. He just kept recommending things his therapist said, you appreciated it, really, even though it didn't help at all.

When you finally got back to work, Maria sent you as a solo -Ladybug was something you had to limit after a while. All you had to do was get a package before it was delivered, simple.

You didn't know why god seemed to hate you.

You were posed as a delivery truck driver, you even had the truck, the outfit, and the lift. It was something you genuinely enjoyed and everything should've gone perfectly.

It should have been as easy as walking in and walking back out.

That was not the case.

You arrived at the hotel lobby, dressed in the uniform and smiling at the front desk. Politely asking for the boxes you needed, something about office supplies or pillows or something. The hotel had too much of it. All you had to do, was get the package and sneak it in with the others.

"Can I run to your bathroom?" You asked with a smile -you had to get out of the lobby somehow.

"Of course," she smiled, bright and beautiful, "-There's one down that hallway and to the right."

You followed those directions, and then decisively took off into the bathroom -despite it not being a part of the plan. Somewhere in the back of your head, you noted that someone was definitely following you. It was a shadow in the back of your eye, but you still saw it.

So when the door opened behind you, you raised your fist and-

Stopped.

Tangerine stood there, eyes wide as your fist was mere inches from his face. He was wearing a coat, maybe like a trenchcoat, that was brown and gave his whole outfit something entirely different.

"What the hell?" You hissed out, lowering your fist, "-What are you doing here? Following me?"

Tangerine seemed to pause for a moment, before wiping his hand over his mouth, "I'm stayin' 'ere, saw ya out in the lobby. This isn't... It's not a job. I'm not 'ere to... to hurt you."

"Did you just want to say hi?!" You asked, sarcastically -this could not be happening again, "-Last time I saw you, you had a gun pointed at my head. Forgive me for being afraid."

He licked his lips, and you noticed it then, something was very off. He wasn't angry, no, he looked exhausted like he hadn't slept in days; his eyes were red and puffy like he had been crying. Had he been crying?

"Um," you started, trying to act normal, "-is everything okay...?"

"Tangerine," he finished for you.

"Beetle," you offered in response, before repeating, "-Seriously, is everything okay? Should I call your... your partner?"

"You knew 'er," he interrupted, voice worn.

"Knew who?" You questioned, squeezing your nails into your palm -you knew where this was going.

"Butterfly," he clarified, "-you fuckin' knew 'er, you had to."

"Look, Tangerine," you replied, "-I already told you-"

He interrupted you again, quietly letting out a wet sort of chuckle, "You even say it like 'er."

"Say what?"

"My name," he bit at his lip, gnawing at it, really, "-you say it the exact same way, and I... I fuckin' remember that, so you knew 'er."

You were speechless for a moment, before settling yourself -trying to stay away from this, "Do... Do you need to talk for a minute? Or?"

"Are you 'er brother?" He asked, something heavy in his gaze, "-It's the only solution I can think of, and it's drivin' me fuckin' mad. I have to know-"

"Why would I say I don't know her if I'm her brother?"

"I don't fuckin' know," he breathed out, hands running through his hair, "-are you afraid of the White Death? What he... he did to 'er? He's dead, very dead. You can say you know 'er-"

"But, I don't," you offered, a little weaker.

"You do," he replied simply, "-you fuckin' 'ave to, you look just like 'er. You can't- I can't... Just tell me the truth."

"I'm not her brother," you repeated, it was the only thing you could say.

"Did she ever say anythin' about me? About... About Lemon?" He continued, his voice scratchy and eyes blinking so fast you knew he was holding back tears -your stomach churned.

"Tangerine," you sighed out, "-I don't know what to-"

He interrupted you again, hand pulling on his necklace, the charm, "'s hers, you were starin' at it the other day. 'Was her bracelet, but I think ya know 'at."

"Look," you swallowed, heavily, "-I can't do this now, I'm on a job. We can talk later, though, if you need to."

You ended up finding the box in ten minutes and leaving without another word.

By the time, you were ready for missions again -you were half convinced you wanted to just go back to the cabin, and live your life there. Away from mustaches and feelings and fear, you could enjoy yourself -listen to birds, observe nature, even.

Maria even offered it, after the last trip, she'd smiled at you in the solemn way she did and offered you the home back, the life back.

You thoroughly debated it for a few days but wanted to feel like yourself again and this was the closest you'd get, ever.

You loved him, and this was the closest thing you'd get to him. It was all you had.

Even if he did love you, you were... different now and you couldn't imagine that would be okay with him. You didn't let yourself.

The next time you saw the twins, you decided to embrace it -try and be as close as you could. If they figured it out and left you in the dust, so be it. You wanted them in your life.

It was another solo mission, Ladybug was in one of those 'I'm going to quit and move to Costa Rico' phases of his career and you didn't exactly want to cozy up with anybody else.

Maria understood, and sent you alone.

It was a hit, some guy with a big life insurance policy -his wife hired you, apparently. He was a loner, and didn't go much of anywhere, so you were to stage a robbery and simply kill him in the kerfuffle. Or, at least make it look like that.

The job was so easy that you'd taken to the city afterward -you wanted to live a normal life for a minute, and after it all, you ended up in a bar. A sort of quiet one with a wooden bar and dim lights -the only people in there being men watching football games, and even they did say much of a word.

It was calm, peaceful.

You heard the door jingle, you knew the sound but assumed it was a normal person -sipping on your drink in your booth alone, away from prying eyes. You didn't exactly want any company, not really, but you ended up with some.

The steps of fancy shoes, it was ingrained in your brain, only getting louder -you thought maybe someone was going to sit close to you. Until they abruptly stopped at your side, you promptly turned your head -eyes peering over your drink.

Tangerine stood there in much better shape, blue eyes focused gently onto you (not red and puffy) and hair perfectly gelled back. He was wearing the blue suit that matched his eyes really well -you'd told him it was his best one once.

"Tangerine," you hummed, sipping your drink, "-weird seeing you here."

He paused, eyes flicking over you for a moment -maybe taking in your outfit, just the same as you did. Before muttering out, "'Ere's a safe house nearby, me and Lemon are stayin' 'ere."

You knew that one, the three of you stayed there a couple of times but then again, where hadn't the three of you stayed?

You pondered over that for a moment, before speaking, "You can sit down, you know, I won't bite."

He seemed to tense up.

"Unless you do," you clarified with a bit of a smile, "-in which I retract my statement."

His lips quirked for a second, as he slid into the booth across from you, "'M off the clock."

"Ah," you nodded your head, "-lucky for you, me too."

"Lucky for me?" He asked, it all seemed so natural -you knew he'd ask questions about it later.

"I'm a good fight," you shrugged, "-what can I say?"

"I imagine," he laughed, and something in your chest swirled -you missed that.

He sat in silence for a moment, tapping his fingers against the table, as you messed with the napkin you had. It wasn't uncomfortable, not really, (you didn't think it would ever be) but there was still something hanging over the two of you.

"Look," he said, suddenly, "-about the other day. I'm sorry, I was... I was in a really bad fuckin' place. Just brought up some memories... I didn't mean to-"

"Relax, Tangerine," you sighed, something bubbling up your throat, "-I know what it feels like when you've seen a ghost."

Something in you twisted, tired, and thinking you were lying. God, you were lying to him. But you couldn't chance losing him again, you didn't want him to hate you. Force himself out of your life, his choice.

Not yours. It was selfish, you knew that much.

"They treat ya well?" He asked, and you tilted your head, "-Your agency? I had a friend... switched over, so..."

"Very well," you hummed, "-My handler is... she understands my breaks."

"You had a break?"

"Long time ago," you spoke, vaguely -you couldn't be specific, "-stayed in a cabin, lived normal for awhile."

He leaned back into the booth, something in him curious, you could see it, "How was it?"

"Boring," you decided.

"Yeah," he murmured, "-always thought it fuckin' would be."

You took a leap then, even if the answer would hurt. You wanted to know.

"You ever thought about it?"

"Bein' normal?" He clarified -eyes smooth over your face.

You nodded, finishing your drink -he seemed to notice, and you half thought he'd offer you to get another.

"Yeah," he breathed out -not matching your eyes now, something heavy on his shoulders, "-once a long fuckin' time ago. But... things change."

You wondered if it was because of you -that one night. If he wanted that with you-

He wouldn't anymore, your mind chimed -stinging under your skin, you are different. So is he.

Timing would never be right, it made your lips snap shut anytime you thought of telling him. The idea that he had loved you then, and now... now he wouldn't. That was worse than him hating you for life, just not... just not loving you anymore.

You swallowed, thick -you wanted to know more, but you couldn't just say that, "That they do."

He paused for a moment, before sliding out of the booth, "I 've to go, Lemon's waitin' on me."

You nodded your head, toying with your glass -eyes slinking across the rim, something in you disappointed. Something in you wanted him to stay, but that wasn't going to happen. You couldn't have him.

Not now.

"Beetle," he spoke, slow and measured, "-'S nice talkin' to ya. Maybe we can catch up again when we aren't at each other's fuckin' throats, yeah?"

"Yeah," you agreed, the tips of your mouth turning up just a little, "-I'd be alright with that."

You started seeing Tangerine every once in a while, strange little cafés and dimly lit bars. You didn't know how he always ended up in the area with you or close by, but it felt familiar. Like when the two of them would follow you into jobs, even when you said you'd be fine because they wanted you to be okay. Just in case. You supposed now that they actually had something to worry about.

That led you to now, you laid on the tile of a building -head pounding and the lights blinding. You had successfully cleared it and killed your hit, but someone had snuck up on you -gun drawn, they took a cheap shot.

"Maria," you breathed out, "-Maria, come in."

"Beetle? Everything alright?"

"They got a cheap shot in-" you hummed, "-I think in my chest? It hurts to breathe-"

"Okay, alright. I'll see who's around you, okay?"

"I think I can walk-"

"Don't move, keep your hands on the wound. What floor are you on?"

"Second," you faltered out a breath -a sting in your lungs, even still you shifted putting all your weight on your hands, "-shit, never get used to that."

"Never will."

You laughed, leaning your head back down against the tile -it was cold against your skin. You felt like you were burning alive, so it was actually a little refreshing.

The lights above you hurt your eyes, but it was easier to breathe this way. Inhale, exhale -a sting, inhale, exhale -a sting.

You imagined for a second this was years ago, that you were actually dying then. The twins would come rushing in, burst through the doors, and Lemon would be darting all over you -trying to figure it out. And Tangerine... Tangerine would grab your face and keep you awake -soft words but every once in a while shaking you to keep you awake. You wouldn't have been able to die then, not with them there -trying to help. You supposed you could die now, bleed out on a tile floor alone or with someone you didn't even know.

This dream of it being Tangerine and Lemon, that was something you could live for -you could almost see it in your head.

And then you heard it, a door busting open and fancy shoes clattering down the hallway -like yours that made you feel like a prick. You wondered if you got the idea of them from Tangerine, he surely owned so many pairs-

"Shit," there was a voice then, and your eyes snapped to the source.

Oh, I'm definitely hallucinating.

Tangerine stood over you before falling to his knees, mumbling -frustrated, "I just fuckin' knew it was you."

"Am I..." you spoke, breathlessly, "-Am I hallucinating?"

"What do you think I am? A fuckin' angel?" Something in your mind answered yes, "-Hate to break it to you, love, but it's just me."

"How the hell were you around here?"

"A job," he said, a little too quickly -it was suspicious.

"Lying-" you slurred out, "-I can tell you're lying."

Tangerine didn't say anything in response, ignoring it, "'S your chest, yeah?"

"Yeah," you hummed, "-where I'm holding."

"Alright," he breathed out, "-alright. Don't stop holdin' it, okay? Keep your hand 'ere."

"How am I gonna move?"

He rolled his eyes, "Can't give me an inch of fuckin' trust, can ya?"

"Sure, I can," you breathed out, flinching slightly, "-just tell me your plan."

He let out a chuckle, before without warning -slipping his arms under your knees and back. The movement jostled you a little and it hurt -you hissed out.

"Sorry, love," he echoed out, softer than you expected, "-'s the only way to get ya out of 'ere."

"I know," you exhaled, "-I know. Keep going."

It felt like you hadn't even blinked before he was pattering out of the building -he was going so fast. Your head was spinning now, but you were still conscious.

"Shit," you heard Lemon, as Tangerine slipped you into the backseat, laying you across the seats -head first, "-a bullet?"

"Fucking cheap shot," you breathed out, "-Killed a whole building full of people and some asshole came up behind me and shot me-"

Lemon seemed to laugh slightly at your frustration; it made you feel a little lighter.

Tangerine shut the door and you waited for him to slip into the passenger seat. You were getting tired, you just wanted to bandage it up and go to whatever hotel was open.

Instead, Tangerine slipped into the side with your head -carefully lifting it and setting you back down onto his lap. You froze -his cologne surrounding your head so much it made you woozy. Why had he done that?

"Stay awake, yeah?" He spoke, breaths raggedy -he really must've been going fast, "Beetle, do you hear me?"

"Yeah, yeah," you swallowed, the smooth cushion of his suit pants was tempting, but the situation you currently were in kept you awake. Your heart was pounding, your brain spinning, you were so close.

You'd been closer, but that was over 4 years ago. Even further when his hands made their way to your face and hair -trying to keep you awake. It worked very, very well.

Had he ever held your face before?

Something in you said no, but it could've happened. You were also so close and any time you got injured he'd always wanted to see it for himself. He usually refused to leave until he took care of it himself, with gentle hands. Whose to say you hadn't gotten a cut on your face?

Why did it feel so different now?

You looked up at him, just for a spare second -you saw his hand run through his hair, unveiling the curls by the second. You'd always liked his curls, when he'd shown you his natural hair -it was all soft and bouncy. It wasn't good for his image, you totally understood.

He's nervous, your mind chimed, does he care about you like this too?

You slapped away the thought and decidedly started staring up at the plush ceiling -this car was definitely expensive, you knew that much. The cushion on the seats, the detailing, the roof, the speed-

This thing had to be stolen.

"Ya alright, love?"

You swallowed and met his eyes, big blue blinking down at you and you could see it, the concern. Since when was he concerned for you? This you? Something had changed at some point and you didn't even notice.

"I've been shot," you retorted, obviously, "-I'm currently bleeding out on your fancy seats."

"That's not-" he huffed out, pinching the bridge of his nose -you couldn't hold back the grin on your lips.

Lemon laughed from the front, "'Give 'im a real run for his money, you know 'at, Beetle?"

"I try my best."

Lemon laughed again, and something in your chest felt lighter -you had missed them, so much. All those years at that fucking cabin, you had missed out on them, on knowing them, watching them, being with them.

God, you regretted everything then, but it was for the best. It kept them safe.

"Seriously," his voice was lower now but still so pointed, "-are you alright?"

You blinked away the fog of tears in your eyes, not now, and nodded, "Yeah, yeah. I'm alright."

The ride was short after that, it was wordless. Even though you think Tangerine wanted to say more, he didn't pry. Which you thought was very strange because he's Tangerine (he prods and pokes until you're set on murdering him) but you were literally bleeding out, so maybe it was courtesy.

You didn't have the heart to think it was anything else.

The twins brought you up the stairs, each taking a shoulder, and although it wasn't as dizzying as before when Tangerine had physically held you... It still was overwhelming.

These guys were like your family. You hadn't been this close to them in years.

"Alright, I'm assumin' you got the wounds?" Lemon asked, directed at Tangerine.

With a succinct nod, Lemon spun back around in the doorway -talking as he walked out, "'M off to get some food, don't bite each other's heads off, yeah? I'd hate to clean up the mess, personally-"

And then he was gone. You were currently sitting on a stool, hand still pressed intently into your chest, as Tangerine gathered up what medical supplies they had. Which was a lot, actually.

You spoke before you could think about it, "You know I can do this myself, right?"

"God, you've got quite the fuckin' head, don't ya?"

"You're one to talk," you replied.

Tangerine pursed his lips, in a way you could tell he was hiding a smile, before his eyes drifted to the ground for a moment. He didn't respond immediately, thinking on it.

And even when he brought everything onto the counter, he didn't say anything. It wasn't until he stood in front of you, nearly in between your legs as you sat on the stool.

"Just let me help you, yeah?"

Your eyes flickered over him, trying to read him but all you could get was -please. Almost like a desperation to help you, like he'd wanted to do this not just offering it-

"Yeah, okay," you responded softly.

"Shirt off," he quickly spoke -right to business, reaching over to the counter to grab what he needed.

You swallowed, you still weren't used to that. Taking your shirt off in front of people, off the top of your head you couldn't think of anyone who had seen your scars. Your top surgery scars. They were very obvious, right in the middle of your chest, and unavoidable. Did you want him to see them?

"Can't I just..." you started, "-unbutton the bottom?"

Tangerine turned back to you then, furrowing his eyebrows, "The gunshots in the middle of your chest, love, it'd be fuckin' half on anyway. Just take it off."

You frowned.

"No judgment here," he put his hands in the air, "-I couldn't care fuckin' less what your chest looks like, personally."

You licked your teeth and swallowed, before unbuttoning the dress shirt, slowly, but keeping it solidly on your shoulders. Kind of like how the men in cologne ads looked, with their opened-up shirts and the epitome of masculinity-

He didn't say a word, but you saw his eyes flicker over them -almost like he was noting it in his head before he switched his attention to the wound. He promptly dabbed it with an alcohol soaked cotton ball, and you nearly bit through your lip.

"Warn a guy, will you?"

Tangerine didn't even look up, "If that hurt, you're gonna have a fuckin' problem later, love."

"I've been stitched up before," you clarified, "-I'm not a newbie."

"Might as well be, yeah?" He hummed, tossing the cotton ball in the trash -flawlessly making it in (how does he even exist?), "-With your break."

"How do you know it was a long one?"

"I've never fuckin' heard of you," Tangerine explained, "-Ladybug's never heard of you and you're a part of his agency-" he dabbed another one over your wound, "-Must've been a long break."

He had a good point.

"Why are you so interested anyway?" You asked, quirking a brow, "-Plus, there are other agencies, how do you know I didn't come from one of them?"

"You're too good to 'ave," he replied, simply.

You fell silent, something stirring in your stomach -was that the first time he'd ever complimented you? Beetle you? Huh.

"Wow," you hummed, "-you can be nice. Who knew?"

"You're soundin' like fuckin' Lemon now," he groaned, before taking the needle from the counter.

"Lemon's smart then," you diverted your eyes -never could stand looking at being stitched up.

Tangerine rolled his eyes, and you looked back up to the ceiling -a smile ghosting onto your lips. Not that you'd ever let him see.

It went fairly smoothly, his hands made quick work of it and even quicker with the wound on your back (the bullet had gone right through your chest, luckily not hitting anything). Nothing happened, you were worried about nothing. He was Tangerine-

Just as you had started buttoning your shirt back up (you started from the bottom to the top), Tangerine froze.

Without a word, he walked closer to you -tilting your chin up with the ease of a finger and looking under it on your chest. You froze, his skin on yours was still something you couldn't deal with.

"Where'd you get 'at one?"

Fuck.

You knew what he was talking about immediately. It was a scar, just above your heart. You'd been stabbed on the job, and Lemon had fucked up your stitches so it had healed weird -came out curved somehow.

And then Tangerine was so paranoid that you showed him because he needed to know you were okay -it was so close to your heart.

"You almost fuckin' died, Butterfly. One inch down and..."

It was a one-of-a-kind scar. At the time, it didn't matter but now? You knew Tangerine could recognize that scar anywhere.

"Tangerine," you spoke out, measured. You tried to keep your voice calm, maybe you could save this-

He stepped back, eyes making contact with yours -they darted between them for a moment and then back to the scar, and then to your top surgery scars. You could see the wheels turning in his head, and everything in your body was screaming-

"Tangerine, listen-"

That was enough, something in him stiffened and he grabbed his coat off the back of the couch.

"Tangerine," you echoed out, but you knew it was no use now.

He didn't say a word, slipping it on and with the fastest steps you'd ever seen in your life, he disappeared out the door and slammed it shut.

The walls shook after.

You swallowed dryly, tears pricking at your eyes -this was never supposed to happen. This was never supposed to happen-

Your hand was on your com before you could even think about it, breaths shuddering out of your chest -sobs breaking in the back of your throat. You tried to stop it, hold it all back-

"Beetle? Hello? I see your com is on, everything alright?"

"They know," you whispered, nearly silent -tears streaming down your face.

"Who knows what?"

"The twins, they were... they were the ones nearby," you started, and your voice cracked, "-Tangerine offered to stitch me up and I have a scar-"

"Beetle, slow down. I can't understand you."

"They know who I am, Maria," you breathed out, tears catching in your throat, "-Tangerine knows and he's going to tell Lemon, and I don't know what the hell to do-"

"Beetle, breathe."

"He left," you echoed out, and you were crying -god it had been so long since you cried, "-he left, Maria. He didn't even say anything-"

"It's a lot to take in. Give him the benefit of the doubt."

"He's gone," you swallowed, "-I know it, Maria."

"You know him. Do you really think he's gone?"

You thought back to the pendant on his necklace -the butterfly, your butterfly.

"I don't..." you started, "-I don't know."

"Just wait, if nobody comes back... Give me a call, alright? I'll send a car your way."

So, you did.

You waited, buttoned your shirt back up, tried to wash the stain, and waited. You ended up flicking through TV shows, and smushed into the couch, waiting. Even thought about ordering your own food, but a part of you wanted to be sure that Lemon wasn't coming back.

After about two hours of waiting, you swallowed down the tears -eyes all red and puffy, and started gathering up your stuff. You accepted it now, you'd never see them again.

It was your decision, you would regret it for as long as you lived. Something in your chest heavy and exhausted, you readied yourself to call Maria back.

Just as your finger was about to touch the com, there was a jingle of some keys outside the door. You froze in place, slipping on one of your shoes without another thought -ready to leave. You knew he'd ask you.

The door slowly opened, and Tangerine peered inside -he looked worse for wear and you think if you focused hard enough you could see blood on his knuckles. You wouldn't ask, not now.

His blue eyes flicked over you, to your shoes and your coat all gathered up on your arms, he gnawed at his lip for a moment.

"Where the fuck are you goin'?

It was all harsh edges and sharp points, it made you bring up your own barriers.

"I'm leaving," you answered, straightening your posture and putting on your other shoe.

Tangerine didn't move for a moment, as you slowly made your way to the door -footsteps echoing in the heaviest silence you'd ever experienced in your life.

Just before you got there, Tangerine stepped in front of the door -something in his eyes heavy.

"Tangerine," you sighed, "-let me go."

"No," he answered simply, eyes meeting yours and you saw now, they were red and puffy too, "-hell no."

"Look, I really don't want to-" you started before briefly rubbing your temples, "-you want me to leave, just let me leave."

"Who the fuck said 'at?"

You tilted your head.

"Why would I want you to leave?" He furrowed his eyebrows, still angry, "-You... I just got you back, why the fuck would I want you to leave?"

"I lied to you, Tan," you breathed out, and something caught in your throat, "-I lied to you for years."

"You're fuckin' alive-" Tangerine exhaled, chuckling a little in disbelief, "-I have so many questions, yeah? That is far, so fuckin' far, from wantin' you to leave."

"Tangerine," you spoke, voice shaky, you just wanted to go. It would be so much easier if you just left-

He paused for a second, "Are you fuckin' listenin' to me?"

"I am," you replied, tears rising to the backs of your eyes, "-I just can't..."

"Love," he grabbed your wrist, something softer, gentler, "-Love, look at me, please."

You swallowed your tears and with a big breath, you looked at him. His eyes were always so very blue, but something about them then was vulnerable. Broken wide open, Tangerine sat in front of you.

"I want ya to stay, yeah?" He breathed out, wiping over his mouth, "-I want you to stay."

You pursed your lips, trying so hard not to cry -you shouldn't be the one crying, "Okay."

"Now," he sighed out, a little lighter, "-fuckin' sit down, you shouldn't aggravate the wound."

You wordlessly sat down on the far edge of the couch, closest to the door. Your hands were shaking, so you laid them flat on your lap -trying to calm down.

He wants you to stay.

"You said-" he started, his voice getting caught up in his mouth, "-You said you were in a cabin, yeah? Where?"

You opened your mouth, confused, "Why does that matter? You have... I lied to you for years and that’s your first question?"

He was standing up, pacing, and then suddenly stopped. He looked up at the ceiling for a moment blinking.

"You know, when they told us you were... dead," he echoed out -something caught in his throat, "-they didn't have a body? All we had was-"

His hand went to his necklace putting the pendant in between his fingers, "All we had was your things, there was no fuckin' body-"

"What does this have to do with-"

"I looked for you," he finally said, "-everywhere I went for a job, I fuckin' looked for you. Because if there wasn't a body, you could still be-"

He fell silent, for a moment -swallowing, eyes swimming over you like he couldn't believe it, "...alive."

"So," he continued, clearing his throat, "-I want to know where the fuck you were. 'At fair?"

Your mouth snapped shut - he looked for you? For how long? That wasn't important now though.

"Alaska," you answered, wiping at your eyes, "-small town, in the middle of nowhere. I had... I had an alias."

"Fuckin' Alaska," he muttered, under his breath.

"It was cold all the time," you added -a bit awkwardly, "-snowed nearly everyday."

Tangerine scanned over your face, maybe like he was trying to imagine you there, alone in the cabin. Or maybe, you out in the snow.

"That day..." he started slow, "-did you fight it? When you were told what you... what you had to do, did you fight it?"

"What are you asking?"

"Did you even think about telling us? Or, or-" he swallowed and his voice was husky and his eyes were bleary, "-coming back to us?"

"Tangerine," you echoed out, emotionless -trying to reign it in, "-I didn't have a choice. You know that."

"I know," he agreed, "-but did you fuckin' try?"

"You think-" you exhaled out, tears gathering in your eyes now, "-You think I didn't try to say goodbye? That I didn't beg Maria to change her mind? That I didn't tell her you guys would keep the secret-"

"Beetle-"

"-just so I could stay?"

"Beetle, I didn't..."

"I did," you swallowed, "-I did beg. It didn't work. If I... If you would've known, we both would've been in too much danger. I couldn't risk it."

"The White Death, yeah?" He clarified, and he was closer to you then he was before. His fingers kept twitching like he wanted to do something.

"He was after me," you hummed, "-knew where I was, where you were, where Lemon was."

"I just-" he started, "-I don't fuckin' get why... after you- After the White Death was killed, why didn't you- why didn't you come back? Tell us?"

"It's... complicated."

"Why?" he stressed out, "Why was it complicated? You were alive, and I don't know about Lemon, but, personally, I would've loved to fuckin' know 'at."

"Tangerine," you started, "-I'm different now, and you guys... you grieved me. How was I supposed to come back from that?"

"I don't give a flyin' fuck 'at you're a man," he interrupted, "-I just wish you would've felt comfortable enough to tell me- tell us earlier."

"Tangerine," you could feel the tears in your eyes.

"And we grieved you, yeah, but-" he explained, messing with his hands for a moment, "-knowing you're alive? That you were fuckin' breathin'? The grieving... It wouldn't 'ave fuckin' mattered, love."

"It would have," you stopped him, "-you thought I was dead-"

"Love," he suddenly sat by your side, gently holding your wrists in place, "-listen to me for once, yeah?"

You nodded, wordlessly, tears slipping down your face, this was guilt you were holding onto for years.

Without hesitating, Tangerine gently started swiping them away with his thumbs, "I thought I was in a world without fuckin' you. Lovely, annoying, beautiful fuckin' you."

You opened your mouth, but he merely continued.

"I couldn't imagine my life without ya in it, and then suddenly it was the fuckin' life I was livin'," he sighed out, eyes matching yours and hands cradling your jaw, "-you being alive changes fuckin' everythin'."

"Why?" You offered, eyes scattering between his -looking for an answer.

He paused for a moment, before dropping his hands, pushing his hair back for a moment, and swallowing. It was like he was readying himself.

"Lemon used to tell me that I was stupid," he finally said.

"Doesn't he always?" You furrowed your eyebrows.

He smiled a little bit, before grabbing one of your hands with his and fidgeting with your fingers -kind of like he just needed to be close to you, "Right, yeah. But this... He told me 'at one day I would regret not tellin' you."

"Telling me what?"

"When you... when you died, I realized the idiot was fuckin' right," he hummed out, a sob catching in his throat but he just kept talking, "-and then, I met a fuckin' self-righteous bloke who had the nerve to dare me to shoot 'im. Looked me right in the eyes."

"Tangerine-"

"And then the guy kept showin' up, and I kept seein' 'im and it was the always same back and forth," he continued, tracing along the creases of your palm, "-but at some point I started thinkin' that I wouldn't shoot 'im, even if he asked."

You laughed.

A smile flickered across his face at the noise, but he kept his eyes downward, "And then, I see 'im bloody and hurtin'. And I think back to the first time, when I didn't say it and if now I wasn't gonna be fuckin' able to-"

You raised an eyebrow.

"And then they dared to be the same fuckin' person."

"Tangerine," you asked, "-what the hell are you talking about?"

It was then that he finally looked up, and then you realized how close his face was to yours. You feel the puffs of his breath against your skin, and it made your head fuzzy. Your thoughts became blurry and all you could see was him-

Tangerine. Tangerine. Tangerine-

"I really don't give a fuck 'at you're a man," he repeated, blue eyes laser focused on yours.

You furrowed your eyebrows, "What the hell does that-"

His eyes dipped down to your lips.

Oh.

"Really?"

"Not a flyin' fuck," he echoed out.

You smiled, before letting your own eyes drift -just for a second. It was like a confirmation, a consent.

Before you could say another word, his hands reached up to grab your face and bring your lips to his. It was all force, desperate, like you were oxygen and he just wanted to breathe-

But somehow still gentle, holding you -fingers rubbing along your face like he was reminding himself you were there. That you were alive. That you were sitting there beside him breathing. It made sense now, all of it.

The grieving didn't matter because you were alive.

He finally separated, keeping his forehead on yours for a split second -staring into your eyes and huffing out breaths.

He kept you there, until it felt like you couldn't breathe -he stole all of it away.

When there was a knock on the door.

Then, there was another knock.

He groaned, throwing his head back -decidedly not letting you go.

"What do you fuckin' want, Lemon?"

"No way to treat someone who got you food," he chastised, "-you 'ave the keys, let me in."

"Come back in ten minutes," Tangerine answered -eyes solidly on yours, you felt frozen in your seat.

"The food's gonna get cold, mate," Lemon retorted, "-don't ya want it warm? I worked hard to get it, ya know? The closest restaurant was like a fuckin' block away-"

"Ten minutes," Tangerine repeated.

"I'm not fuckin' leaving," Lemon started again, "-it's cold out 'ere. You gonna leave your brother out in the fuckin' cold-"

"Fuckin' go, Lemon," Tangerine groaned out.

"Fine," he breathed out, "-keep snoggin', but don't fuckin' complain if I eat some of your food."

Yeah, you really missed this.

"We won't," you chimed in with a smile.

Tangerine smiled at you like you held the sun.

[muddy-pupiii]

HELLO!!! My name is Ash. I'm 17 yrs old, I go by he/they/it/its/pup, and I'm a trans male who is pretty confused about their gender but is pretty confident that I'm trans.

I will mostly be posting short stories, updates on my ongoing book, geeking out about my favorite shows, bands, games, etc. Sometimes, I will share personal problems, but I will be sure to put a warning before.

I will be writing about mostly mlm relationships and fandom ships, so if that makes you uncomfy, just block.

DMs are open if you want to be friends or mutuals (please just don't be weird because you will be blocked).

RULES

I am a minor sooooo....the rules will be pretty basic and just for my protection.

Not sfw blogs, P3dos, transphobes, homophobes, racists, proshippers, sh/ed tmblr (i continue to struggle with sh, so i dont want to be exposed to anything that may harm my mental health even more.), anyone who glorifies gore, people with mlm fetishs, anti furries, age play of any kind, and other weird people.

THIS PUPPY BOY IS OUT!!🐾

[gaygodlywriting]

Gay God Intro's

Felix Intro:

Name: Felix

Pronouns: He/it/they

Gender: Trans

Sexuality: Gay, demisexual, polyamorous

Groups/artists I stan: Stray Kids, Ateez, TXT, Enhypen, NCT 127, BTS, Monsta X, LØREN, Wonho, and Holland

Groups I write for: Stray Kids, Ateez, TXT, Enhypen, BTS

Biases + favorites to write for: Jeongin, Seungmin (ults), Bang Chan, Hyunjin, Yeosang, Wooyoung, San, Beomgyu, Soobin, Sunghoon, Namjoon, and Hobi

What I write: Fluff, angst, male reader, trans male reader, gn reader

What I will not write: Smut, anything nsfw or suggestive, female reader, trans female reader, active self harm (nothing where anyone does something to purposely hurt themselves)

Requests: Open!

Masterlist

Masterlist

Stray Kids will be the main group I write for

Fem readers DNI, people who sexualize idols DNI, fem readers + blank blogs will be blocked, this blog is not for you

[ramen8baka]

Hi, I wanted to ask if you know the kdrama "at a distance spring is green". If you do, I would like to request a Yeojun x transmale reader. Where reader is not accepted by his family due to being trans, but nonetheless he always acts happy, yeojun tries to befriend him and slowly finds out everything and just comforts the reader and ends up in a relationship with him, can be as angsty as you'd like, can contain things like violence or whatever you like, if you don't know the kdrama than could you please write something like that but maybe stray kids han or bts suga, thank you!

Suga x trans male reader

THIS WAS SUCH A GOOD IDEA! except I didn’t see this k drama :( so instead I’ll do it with Suga from bts like you also requested 😅

notes: I made it so reader and Suga are in high school. Prolly around the ages of 17-18 since suga is 29 haha..ha..heh (yes I fucked up the ages but we aren’t gonna talk about it) AND y/h means your hobby(s) ”Hey y/n what’s up?” Suga asks excitedly. “Not really anything. My parents have been so annoying lately.” You said. Suga sat next to you. “Oh, I’m sorry man,” Suga said as he put a hand on your shoulder. “Do you wanna talk about it? I mean, I know they aren’t really happy about…” he trailed off. “thanks but it’s ok. I don’t really wanna talk about it right now. I think I just need to cool off for a bit.” “Yeah, yeah of course. What ever you need to do. Just know… if you need someone to talk to you know you can tell my anything.” And with that Suga stood up, smiled at you and walked off shyly. Suga knew what was going on. He’s been taking hints. You had come out as trans awhile ago and your parents still wouldn’t except it. Suga also knew you were stubborn and you wouldn’t want to talk about it. This situation was troubling for Suga because you and him weren’t really that close. You were friends for sure, but just not like best friends. “Hi Suga! What’d you get on your math quiz today? I kinda- well I kinda failed mine. hehe” You walked over to Suga smiling. “If it makes you feel any better I kinda failed mine too.” He laughed. “I did make this drawing in art though. We had to do a portrait of someone we knew like family, friends, cousins, even pets and I didn’t really know who to do and the crusty old lady was yelling at me soooo I drew you.” You scratched the back of your neck as Suga inspected your drawing.

“this is so good! I never knew you could draw well. Do you draw as a hobby?” Suga asked, surprised.

“No, I actually don’t but I do y/h.” (Y/h is your hobby)

“That’s cool! I never knew you liked y/h.” Suga looked down at his watch. “oh no I’m gonna be late for rehearsal! Sorry man I gotta go! Maybe we can hang out some time this weekend? I’ll talk to you tomorrow!” Suga waved as he ran to his car. You just laughed while waving back at him, a light rose color on your cheeks. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Crap suga thought to himself. He was driving home from a dance rehearsal and his gas was super low.

“Ughhh!” He groaned. He pulled over to a gas pump and started filling his car. It came time to pay and- he didn’t have enough change. “just my luck” he walked into the actual store and asked the sketchy counter guy for change. As he was walking to his car, he heard someone. “I can’t do this!” He looked over his should to see

“Y/n?” Suga stopped in his tracks as soon as he saw you.

“what are you doing here?” He asked you. You were kicking around some rocks with the toe of your shoe. “It’s my mom and dad… they yelled at me. again.” You explained sadly while looking at the ground. Suga’s eye’s softened.

“oh. Hey, don’t listen to them. I lo-like you for who you are.” Suga blushed a bit at the fact he almost said he loved you. He didn’t like you like that, right? He couldn’t. You both just became closer friends a few days ago! He liked… guys? No! He couldn’t. “Thanks Suga. You said maybe we could hang out this weekend?” You asked softly. “Yeah. Do you wanna come over to my house? We could do whatever.” Suga suggested. “that would be nice. It’s give me an excuse to get away from my parents.” You look at the ground. “Alright! I’ll see you tomorrow!” Suga called out as he started walking away. He soon stopped and turned around. “oh, do you need a ride? I still need to pay for my gas but I can give you a ride home. If you walked here it must’ve been a long walk.” Suga said. “No, I’ll be fine. My house is actually a bit behind here. I just ran here when I got upset because it was far from my parents. Thank you though.” Suga nodded in response. God, I think I’m falling for him. You thought. God, I think I’m falling for him. Suga thought. ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

“This is so good! Chocolate is my favorite flavor. As long as it has chocolate, I’m good.” You say. “Hmm… I like lemon ice cream or strawberry best.” Suga replied. You and him were eating ice cream together after hanging out like you promised that Saturday. You were just happy to be with him after you’d realized your feelings. “/n… y/n? Earth to y/nnn!” Suga waved his hand in front of your face. You blushed for the 100th time that day

“my bad. I just zoned out,” you said shyly.

“has something been distracting you lately?” Suga asked.

“not really, why? It’s mainly just my parents.” You said, confused.

“Well you’ve just been acting kind of weird, you know? Like a little more awkward.” He told you. “oh. Well I gues there is something but it’s really embarrassing. I don’t really wanna say it.” You said while looking down at your lap

“go ahead! I won’t judge you, I promise!” Suga said comfortingly. You never told anyone you liked them before. What if Suga didn’t like you back? Then your friendship would be over! You were scared to risk it. But then again, you’d never felt this way about anyone before. shutting your eyes, you said

“I like you, Suga!” When Suga didn’t say anything, you ran off.

“y/n! Y/n come back! Shit, where are you!” Suga seemed distressed and you felt bad hiding behind the building from him while he was just trying to talk to you. “I’m sorry” you stepped out and said. Suga ran over and hugged you. “No don’t be! I… have felt the same way too. Ever since we became closer friends I felt like this. Maybe we could try something?” Suga asked.

“yeah I think I want to try something too.” You held both of Suga’s hands. Soon you felt a soft pair of lips against your own. It felt weird kissing a guy. And you were sure people were staring, but you felt like you were floating above them.

[starless-nightz]

RULES

What does Sapphic mean? -> In contemporary usage, “Sapphic” refers to women attracted to other women whether they identify as lesbian, bisexual, queer, trans, masc, or any diverse identity falling within the spectrum of same-sex attractions!

This is a safe space for sapphics, but men are welcomed to interact, tho they will be blocked if they act weird or make me uncomfortable

I do not condone any type of aggressive, rude or sexual behaviour on this blog, you will be blocked if you do it on purpose

Please be respectful when requesting, I am busy and i have a life outside this blog

Don't force nor rush me to finish HCs, I tend to get stressed quite easily when pressured, I write at my own pace so please respect that

I only take requests from my inbox, not comments or dms, JUST FROM MY INBOX

I only write HCs as of right now, but I will write my own one-shots from time to time

I will make icons, blog layouts/themes, wallpapers, graphics and banners from time to time, you can request them too

I will refuse a request if they do not meet my rules, if i simply dont like it or if i dont feel like writing the request

I will not write plain requests for example "[Character] x reader pls", you will need to tell me what you want, otherwise i have nothing to work with

I only write female and gender neutral readers, not male readers, and if I ever do write a male reader, it would be a child male reader!

I only write platonic male characters, romantic requests will be deleted, corrected or called out, but I will write genderbend male characters x reader

I only write 3 characters pre request (unless when doing a smau or a pjsk request), i will remove a character from a request if i dont feel like writing them

I write ships too, even if I dont write for one character, if I write for at least one of the characters i will write the ship

I write poly x reader, unless its a straight ship and i also write crossships

I write nsfw, but I will not write nsfw of minors, even if I am one, and I will not age up characters who are 15-17 so i could write smut of them, its wrong

I write trans and intersex readers too, but only MTF or nonbinary reader (any sex) for romantic HCs

Please do not use the word G!P or FUTA, its pretty offensive towards trans people and it makes me uncomfortable

I do not write periods, mental health issues, mobility issues, mental illnesses, physical illnesses, ADHD, autism, weird kinks, etc.

I will not write about cultures since I do not want to accidently offend anyone!

I do not play hi3, hsr, gi, wuwa or zzz anymore, I only follow the lore for the characters i like, i do not know the current storyline for any game except pjsk (only en story)

DNIs

Homophobes, racists, proshippers, zionists, etc.

People with “MDNI” in their blog (hypocritical much?)

Aether/Lumine/Captian harem enjoyers

Adult JJK fans who write smut of MINORS (very thin ice for mutuals)

Non-con/incest enjoyers

Transphobic PJSK fans

Blackwashing believers

Wuthering Waves haters

Bronseele antis

Lingyang haters

Toxic BTS fans

Lightcannon anits

main page

[arin-swear-rose]

(This will have a bunch of spaces for those who struggle to read long/big paragraphs)

This right here is why some writers are just ready to quit, and the lack of interaction from readers, but that’s a topic for another day!

I write stories all the time but never post them because I know how rude people are. And I’m not in the right mental state to deal with that.

Writers have a life outside of writing. Let me say it again.

Creators have a life outside of creating.

They all do; writers, painters, sculptors, knitters, etc.

They do not eat, sleep, and breathe ink or clay or yarn! They have families; mothers, fathers, dogs, cats, fishes, children, husbands, girlfriends, significant others, etc.

Or maybe they just need a break for their mental health. It’s like breaking a bone.

You break your bone, go to the doctors and they tell you to rest, take medication, no physical activities, etc etc.

I’d rather that person take a break and heal instead of pushing their limits and ending up in worse condition than before.

If the creator takes the time to tell you they won’t have an update, or a project will be delayed. You can either stand by their side and give them sympathy, not pity, but sympathy.

You don’t even have to say anything, you’ve acknowledged it and moved on. You’re fine with them needing a break or having plans.

OR, you can leave. You especially do not have to say anything and can call it a day. Leave and never come back. Or leave and just randomly check in on the progress.

But never take the time to say something rude. If you do not want it said to you, do not say it to others.

If you do not want it said to you, do not say it to others.

I know some people can’t help it, but please, try to reread things. Think before you speak, type, write, sign, whatever. Just think!

(Thank you @widowbitessting for letting me use this as an example.)

Why the fuck are you not updating this weekend??? You’ve kept us waiting long enough and now you’re gonna make us wait an extra week?? Is this a joke?

Um, okay, wow. Watch your tone please?

I’m not updating this week as I’m away at a family function and I like to be around when the next part drops in case there’s any issues (like with part 3…)

Apologies you’re having to wait a little longer for the next part.

Wow.

[that-damn-fouth-chaosemerald]

List about what I can make •-•

You can make requests from me

• Headcanons

• Oneshots

• Fanfics

• Playlists

• Imagines

I don't write

• family ships (for example: I won't write Dipper x Mabel)

• smut/romantic stuff for child-like characters (it doesn't matter if they're mentally/physically a child. I won't do it.)

• heavy smut for aroace/asexual/aromantic characters

• actually, anything that seems weird to me or makes me uncomfortable-

BUT I can make

• Fluff

• Smut

• Angst

• Character x Character

• Character x Reader

• BxB

• GxG

• GxB

• (Not too large) Age gap relationships

• Yandere

• genderbent and trans characters

• female, male, trans and gender neutral reader

• And etc. :D

About

• Little Misfortune

• Life is Strange (LiS1, LiS2, LiS:BTS, LiS:True Colors

• South Park

• Stardew Valley

• Markiplier Cinematic Universe

• Jacksepticeye and Crankgameplays alter egos :D

• Undertale

• Marvel

• Dream Daddy

• Voltron: Legendary Defender

• Attack on Titan

• FNaF

• The Security Breach Show

• Sonic The Hedgehog (all sorts of media)

• Cuphead (Casino Cups, DDWTD, The Cuphead Show, DLC, etc.)

• Yandere Simulator

• Gravity Falls

• BTS

• Lego Elves

• Creepypasta

• SCP

• Baldi's Basics

• Piggy

• Super Mario Bros

• Harry Potter

• Vtubers

• Helluva Boss

• Hazbin Hotel

• BNHA/MHA

• Lovelink

• BJ Alex

• Beastars

• Star Stable

• Henry Stickmin

• Rainbow Friends

• Tell Me Why

• Trollhunters

• The Last Guardian

• Your Boyfriend

• Amanda the Adventurer

• Hearts and Heroes

• Night at the Museum

• Sally Face

• My Candy Love

• Garten of BanBan

• Welcome Home

A/N: Oki, this little thing might be change, I know other fandoms too, but at the time, I could write just these bc I'm sleepy and my mind is almost dead xd :")

[dean-a-mean-tae]

DEANAMEANTAE's Request Guidelines

Hello, gorgeous! This is a side blog. If you want to request something, please use the ask box. You can do it anonymously or not. It’s up to you.

ASKs

You DO NOT have my permission to put any of my work into an AI.

You DO NOT have my permission to repost my work anywhere.

━ I write for Stray Kids, but I might write for BTS if you can give me an idea.

━ Types of things I write: Reactions, drabbles, one-shots, and headcanons. ━ If I get enough inspiration, I might make a second part or mini-series from your request.

━ I might do a prompt event in the future. In the meantime, if you want to give me a prompt, tell me where you found it so I can give credit.

━ If you request x Reader, it will be written in the second person. (Based on your votes)

━ I will not write smut on my own accord. But if you give me your hard thoughts or something, I might expand on them.

*.·:·Will Do.·:·.*

Genre(s): Fluff, Angst, Crack(goofy stuff), Hurt/Comfort, Steamy (leading into smut)

Romantic, Platonic, Parental/Child/Teen/Baby Reader

Write for Female readers, Male Readers, Non-binary (Gender neutral, if you will) readers, and Trans Readers. Tell me, and I’ll try.

(I might add more here.)

*.·:·Will NOT Do.·:·.*

Genre(s): Noncon, DDLG (NSFW), Hard Yandere, Watersports (piss kink) (If I ever get into smut, I refuse to do watersports)

Present abuse, Self Harm, Incest, Perverts, Sexual Assualt

(I might add more here.)

*.·:·Needed In Request.·:·.*

Character, Fandom, Reader Gender

Content (What you want the request to be about)

Please include any other information you want (Like disabilities, the reader's race, specific (or not) tattoos, piercings, or whatever.)

THE MORE DETAILED THE BETTER! ━ I don't care how long the request is. ━ Details help me write it and get it out faster.

🚨DISCLAIMER🚨

If you do not specify a gender, the reader will automatically have gender-neutral pronouns. I am Non-Binary.

©️DEANAMEANTAE

[otsilliak]

Hi my little spark. My name is Kai and I run this blog. Here is a few facts about me and some rules about this blog. Be warned of possible triggers in the rules.

My name is Kai

I am in my twenties

I am a multistan. I stan: Ateez, BTS, GOT7, P1Harmony, The Rose, Astro, Big Bang, EXO, iKon, Itzy, Big O!cean, Monsta X, NCT U, NCT 127, NCT Dream, WAYV, Seventeen, Shinee, Stray Kids, TXT, ToppDogg, Xdinary Heroes, Enhyphen, G-Idle Blackpink, f(x), Mamamoo, Red Velvet, Twice, Kard and Day6. I also like a p-pop group named SB19

I am a gay trans man who had autism. I typically only write for gender neutral, male or trans readers.

I got into kpop in 2015 through ToppDogg

I speak English and a little bit of German

I do not allow slander towards groups or fandoms. I will hold my Ults and all others accountable for their actions.

I have two cats who I love dearly.

I’m a middle child of 3

RULES

I do NOT write smut. I feel uncomfortable doing so.

I do NOT write pure angst. I will write hurt comfort.

Please do understand i am only human and have a life outside of writing.

If you’re wanting multiple people for a very specific request. Please limit it to 3 people, preferably from the same group

Please always check if requests are open before requesting

I will not do anything with the following: sexual assault, pregnancy, miscarriages, self harm, harassment, (will do like homophobia, transphobia or racism if it’s more of a soft request. I will not be Doing anything with racism that is in details for I am a white man and it’s not for me to do so.)

If you have read the entire post. Send the word pineapple either in the comments or pms <3

Thank you my little spark.

[hopperzheartz]

Intro and Info ^^

Hey welcome :3

Any ff requests pls leave them ^^

What I Write

-Tbp

-Brance (main)

- X male reader

- X trans male reader

What i don’t write

- X fem reader

- Long series

Im open to all types of requests and Headcannons

I am also on ao3 although i will not put it here, you may have come across me as i write brance.

Additional fandoms i enjoy:

-Sallyface

-Fnaf

-Creepypasta

- ARMY (bts)

Stuff abt me ^^

-im emo irl x3

-im a teen boy. (woah tbp fanboy)

-I also have a huge crush on brady hepner lmao

- I am mlm (gay)

-and i enjoy music

-i draw sometimes

-im army for 5 years now :3

-dm to be friends ^^

[gggukniverse]

cool with you | jjk

title: cool with you

pairing: jungkook x trans male!reader

genre: hurt/comfort, fluff, established relationship au

summary: the dysphoria hits you as you're getting ready to go out with your friends but jungkook is there to make you feel better.

warnings: a little breakdown because of dysphoria, mentions of a gender-affirming surgery, jungkook calls you love because i'm a SLUT for that petname.

wordcount: 2.7k

note: hey 👀 so... i'm aware that there's not a lot of male!reader and trans male!reader content here so i wanted to try and write a cute little drabble for people who might want to read this type of content. i hope you like it a lot !!!

-

-

-

"can i borrow one of your shirts?" you ask loud enough for jungkook to hear from the bathroom after having no luck finding a nice shirt in your side of the closet.

"of course you can," jungkook replies with his voice a little muffled and you turn to the open bathroom door, he's brushing his teeth. "you don't even have to ask." he adds.

"okay, thanks babe." you blow him a kiss and he winks at you before moving back to the sink.

you quickly find a nice oversized soft pink shirt with a darker pink drawing on it. you don't waste any time, taking your shirt off immediately and put his on, walking towards the mirror to check the look. it's a cute look, jungkook's shirt looks good with your baggy light blue jeans with wide pockets.

but you hate it. you like the fit but you hate how it looks on you. and it is all because of the same thing as always, your chest. your stupid chest that always ruins everything. you can see the curve on your shirt from your boobs even with your binder on and you fucking hate it. you hate it so much that when you look up to see the reflection of your face in the mirror you can notice how miserable you look all of the sudden.

it's not always like this. usually, you just suck it up because there's nothing you can do about it for now, but sometimes the dysphoria hits too much and it feels like you're drowning in all of your insecurities.

"ah, isn't that shirt cool?" jungkook speaks behind you and you turn around to look at him. his smile completely fades away as soon as he sees you. "what happened?" he asks, his wide eyes suddenly filled with worry.

you're so lucky to have jungkook, just one look at you and he already knows something is up. he always knows.

"i... i don't..." the worst thing is that you feel embarrassed to say it out loud.

jungkook has been your boyfriend for over two years. you met him when you had just started transitioning and he always supported you, right from the start. you know he will always be there to listen to your worries and insecurities because he loves you, so you shouldn't be embarrassed about things like this. but even after everything, it is still difficult.

you turn back to the mirror and take another look at yourself, slightly turning to check your profile. your shoulders drop and you sigh in disappointment when you can clearly see your stupid chest through the shirt.

"love." jungkook speaks with that gentle and careful tone, like he's thinking about what he could say to comfort you because of course he knows what's wrong. but he doesn't really say anything, he just walks up to you and wraps his arms around your waist from behind, resting his chin on your shoulder and looking at you through the mirror.

"what?" you avoid his eyes as yours go down to your chest, then to his arms wrapped around you. he has strong arms and they make your body look so small when he holds you like this. you kinda wish you were also big and strong like him, the only thing that's keeping you from having another dysphoria breakdown over not being bigger is how nice it feels to be held by him.

"you look really cool." your boyfriend says as he looks up and down your body but you can only sigh.

"i look stupid." you say.

"you don't." he lifts his head from your shoulder to instead nuzzle against your neck, leaving a sweet little kiss on it.

"i do," you insist and jungkook's breath hits your neck from how he sighs. "i don't even know why you..." you shut your mouth before finishing the sentence because it would hurt too much to say it but jungkook looks up from your neck with a frown and rests his chin on your shoulder again, never breaking the backhug.

"why i what?" he asks curiously, his eyes narrowed as they look straight into yours through the mirror.

"i don't- i don't know why you like me." the knot in your throat almost doesn't let you finish the sentence but you somehow do.

"what?" jungkook frowns, he looks at you like you've said the craziest thing he's ever heard. "literally what the hell are you talking about?" he actually sounds mad and you flinch a little at the tone of his voice but he instantly turns you around to face him and he cups your cheeks with his hands. "can you please tell me why you think that?"

"it's not that i think you don't like me," you clarify, suddenly feeling even smaller. "but i don't know... you like boys, and i don't look like a boy. it feels like i'm not... manly enough." you mutter, your voice so quiet with embarrassment that you're sure jungkook wouldn't have heard you if he wasn't so close to you.

"are you a boy?" jungkook asks simply.

"jungkook-"

"are you?"

"yes."

"then why are you saying those things?" he brushes your cheeks with his thumbs. "i could not care less about what's under your clothes and if you look more or less manly, whatever the hell that means."

"but i care," you say and immediately look down when your voice breaks and the first tear rolls down your cheek. you can hear jungkook sigh, not an annoyed sigh but a defeated sigh, you know this is not easy for him either and you can't blame him. "i'm so tired." you put your hands over your face as you start crying and jungkook wraps his arms around you, pulling you closer to him in a warm hug.

"it's okay, love, i'm here." he rubs your back as you wrap your arms around his waist and bury your head on his chest, not having half a mind to feel bad for wetting his shirt with your tears.

"i just want to feel good with myself, it's all i've wanted for years, but it's so hard." you sob against his chest.

"i know it is." jungkook hums and holds your head to his chest with one of his hands, slowly brushing your hair to try and calm you down a little.

"i go out and strangers refer to me as a girl, i look in the mirror and i don't see a boy, my body sucks... i fucking hate it." you're full on sobbing now. you're crying like a baby and jungkook is so gentle with you, he holds you until your sobs have turned into little whimpers and a little headache is starting to bother you. that's what you hate about crying, the headache after.

"look at me, y/n." jungkook speaks softly, as if not to disturb you.

you look up at him and he quickly brings his hands to your face, cupping your cheeks gently and starting to wipe your tears away. "i'm sorry." you sniff and he frowns.

"why are you sorry, love?" jungkook leans down and leaves a kiss on your forehead that makes you feel a little giddy even in your current state.

"i don't know," you force a chuckle. "for crying over something so stupid."

"it's not stupid," he shakes his head. "it's something that is upsetting you, that's never something stupid."

"i love you." you say and feel a little better when he smiles.

"i love you too," jungkook gives your lips a little kiss. "and you look fucking cool with this fit." he adds.

"i don't," you insist and ignore the way he rolls his eyes to turn around again and look in the mirror. "i'll wear a big hoodie or something, anything that covers this." you point towards your chest in frustration.

"it's really hot outside, if you wear a hoodie you're gonna melt into the ground." jungkook says and sits on the edge of your bed, not taking his eyes off of you.

"i don't care," you say. "those are the types of things you have to endure, but you wouldn't understand," you turn around to gesture at him with your hand. "you already have that flat chest, you have nothing to worry about."

"don't hate the player." he puts his hands up and you can't help but chuckle a little.

"stupid..." you mumble as you go back to look for some other clothes in the closet.

"also, not to brag but i might have more boobs than you." jungkook jokes and you throw your head back in laughter. you appreciate that he knows how to make you laugh in moments like this.

"yeah, if you don't stop going to the gym." you say, going through his clothes.

"you want me to stop going to the gym?" he asks and you turn around to look at him. jungkook is looking at you with a dangerous smirk and a cocked eyebrow.

"careful," you warn him and he breaks in a laugh. "you know i don't want you to stop going." you walk towards him until you're standing between his spread legs.

"i know," jungkook hums as you run your hand through his soft hair. he puts his hands on your thighs as to keep you in place, his fingers playing with the side pockets of your jeans. "you love using my chest as a pillow, of course i would know." he says, making you laugh.

"they are really squishy." you bring your free hand to his chest and poke one of his pecs, making him squirm away from you.

"stop!" he giggles, grabbing your wrist to pull it away. he ends up intertwining your fingers together.

"you use my chest as a pillow too." you say as you keep playing with his hair with your other hand.

"should i not?" he asks, voice a bit softer now as he gives your hand he's holding a little squeeze. you know he's still careful around certain topics sometimes.

"you can, it's okay." you shrug with a little smile because you find him so cute.

"okay." he nods and suddenly lets go of your hand to wrap his arms around your middle and pull you closer, his head pressed to your stomach.

"will you... will you miss my boobs when i don't have them anymore?" you ask quietly. both of your hands are on his hair now, playing with the soft strands between your fingers.

"huh?" he hums.

"i mean, i know you like them..." you trail off but he doesn't say anything so you keep talking. "i wonder if you would prefer me with boobs."

jungkook pulls away just enough to look up at you. "what are you talking about?"

"i don't know."

"love, i just told you i don't give a shit what's under your clothes," he says. "i fell in love with you, not with your boobs, you know."

a little smile grows on your face. "i fell in love with your boobs, actually." you tease him and he chuckles a little.

"okay, but seriously," jungkook continues. "i'll like you just the same when you have a flat chest. i'll like you even more because i know you're gonna be a lot happier."

"so you don't care that i'm not gonna have boobs anymore?"

"even if i cared, who gives a fuck what i think about it?" he frowns. "you're the one who decides what you want to do with your body."

"i know." you nod.

"so please, don't let those ugly thoughts cloud that pretty head, okay?" he says as he slips his hands under your (his) shirt and places them on your waist, just leaving them there like he needs that skin to skin contact. "in my eyes you're fucking gorgeous now and you'll be fucking gorgeous after."

you can't help but smile and bend down a little to kiss him, your hands slipping down from his hair to his cheeks.

"i love you." you say after breaking the kiss.

"i love you more," he smiles and gives you another kiss. "you're so handsome, love."

"okay, enough with the praises," you giggle as you stand up straight again. "i know you enough to know where this is going and i don't wanna be late."

"it's not my fault you're horny all the time," he pouts and you gasp, letting your jaw drop dramatically. "you know it's true, so don't even try to act offended."

"i hate you." you sigh and turn around to walk back to the closet.

"you don't." he says and you can hear the smile in his voice.

you take jungkook's shirt off your body and grab one of his favorite hoodies, putting it on and walking to the mirror. you check your profile and sigh in relief at how the thick material doesn't let your chest pop out as much as the shirt, but you're still a little disappointed.

"you know i've been promoted at work, soon we will-"

"jungkook, stop." you cut him off, already knowing where this is going.

"soon we will afford the mastectomy." he says either way and you sigh, turning to him.

"you're not gonna pay for it, jungkook." you try to sound as serious as you can because you know how stubborn he is. you actually know he's not gonna listen either way because you've talked about this so many times before so you don't really know why you keep trying.

"i'm not gonna pay for it, i'm just gonna help." jungkook replies easily with a shrug of his shoulders.

"this is my thing, i have to pay for it myself." you insist.

"love, you know you can't afford it."

"that's why i'm saving up."

"and that's also why i'm saving up too, because i wanna help you pay it." jungkook says.

"jungkook."

"if we save up together this will be over sooner, do you know that?"

you go quiet.

"it breaks my heart to see you like this, to see you so frustrated because you want something and you can't have it." jungkook stands up and walks slowly towards you. "just let me help you. i want to do this with you." he takes one of your hands in his and you lower your head to look at them. your hands look so small in his, but that's also something you kinda like.

"i don't want you to waste money on me." you mutter.

"i'm not gonna waste that money," jungkook says. "thanks to that money i'm gonna see you happier and more confident than ever, i can't fucking wait to spend that money on it."

you exhale through your nose and lift your head up again to look at him. "you're too sweet."

"i know." he sighs dramatically, making you laugh again.

"i love you."

"i love you too," jungkook whispers before kissing you again. "my pretty boy."

"stop..." you warn him and he chuckles.

"c'mon, go get ready." he gives your ass a little slap.

"do you think i look good like this?" you step back a little to let him see the look.

"you look great," jungkook says. "i love it when you wear my clothes."

"i love wearing your clothes," you smile wide and grab your phone from the nightstand. "i should get going."

"mh, okay." he nods as he walks out of the bedroom, you follow him.

"don't wait for me, i'll probably be out until late." you tell him and jungkook hums.

"okay, tell eunji happy birthday for me." he says and walks to the couch, grabbing the remote from the coffee table before sitting down.

"i will." you say while he starts looking for something to watch on the tv. your gaze goes down to your body, fixing the hoodie a little.

"love," jungkook calls you and you look up, he's already looking at you. "you look so good." he says.

"do i really?"

"yes," he nods. "so good that if you don't leave now i won't be able to let you go."

you throw your head back as you laugh. "okay."

"have fun, keep me updated if anything happens." he tells you and you just hum.

"love you!" you say as you disappear down the corridor towards the door.

"love you more, handsome!"

-

-

-

A/N: i hope you liked this little fic !!! as a non binary person with craaaaaazy dysphoria this one has an important place in my heart, all of us live through these things in different ways but i hope you enjoyed this story. thank u for reading <3 let me know if you would like to read more about this couple in the future 👀

(also, i'm still working on the part two for basic needs so hang in there !! it's coming)

[minhosbitterriver]

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[wolvieswhiskeyclaws]

Welcome to my side blog!

My name is Tina (she/her) 32|| and this is the side blog I run where I'll post random things I'm hyper fixating over, writings that don't particularly fit my main blog, and my traditional/ digital art♡

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[bangtanloverboys]

irregularities // myg

summary - when a mishap in your transition happens, you find yourself isolating yourself, unable to tell your boyfriend what’s wrong. what’ll happen when he finds out

pairing - boyfriend!yoongi x trans male!reader

genre - hurt/comfort, fluff; established relationship au

word count - 1.2k

warnings - menstrual cycles, dysphoria, minor descriptions of a depressive episode, blood, crying

author’s note - hi this is 1000% self indulgent bc i feel like absolute crap. due to the fact this drabble is about dypshoria, please be warned

Someone out there in the universe hated you, truly they did because the absolute worst thing that could happen, happened. Your cycle came back. You must’ve fucked with your T dosage or something because one day your were happy as a clam, doing your usual thing then all of a sudden you woke up to an all too familiar pain. 

Eyes flying open, you scrambled over to your bathroom. Pulling down the boxers you slept in, already you got the confirmation you needed. Small splotches of red painted the inside of your underwear. Feeling the contents of your stomach rise up in your throat, you slapped a hand over your mouth, swallowing down the bile. 

“No, no, no, no, no, no,” you muttered to yourself as you cleaned yourself up. “This can’t be happening, no it can’t be.” Normally you never got your cycle, in fact, it hadn’t happened since you started medically transitioning which was almost three years ago. Why now? Why start again after you've been doing so good?

Already the cramps had begun to worsen, digging into your lower gut like a knife. Pulling on your sweats and a hoodie, you crawled back into bed, cocooning yourself in your comforter. Beneath your clothes, you felt your skin was crawling; shrinking and stretching along your bones. Pulling your knees up to your chest, you felt tears prick and burn in your eyes, threatening to spill. Not knowing what else you could really do, you let them fall, soaking your sheets in the salty substance.

You should call someone, you through to yourself. Reaching out and grabbing your phone from the nightstand, you scrolled through your contacts. First there was your therapist, but they were out of town for the week so you couldn’t see them. Next your thumb hovered over Yoongi’s contact, your boyfriend. You wanted so badly to call him, but you’ve only been together a year and while he knew you were trans and was extremely supportive of you, he’d never seen you stumble in your transition like this. Ever, not even your close friends who’d been with you since you started transitioning probably didn’t even know how to help. Locking your phone, you decided against reaching out. Who knows, it probably was just a flub and would only last a day.

It didn’t.

You spent practically the whole day in bed, hoping that the slip would be gone by the morning. But upon waking up to the same ever present pressure in your gut, you bundled yourself further into the covers. Just as your mind was slipping back into sleep, your phone buzzed. You groaned, already knowing who it was. Yoongi. He texted you all day yesterday, asking how you were and what your plans were. You felt guilty for either ignoring his responses or giving him one word answers, but you didn’t know what to say to him. 

Opening your phone, you hissed at the bright light. Once your eyes adjusted, you saw it was indeed a message from Yoongi, piling up against the other messages he sent you.

Yoongi <3: hey are you doing alright?

You: yea im fine

Yoongi <3: really? you’ve barely talked to me the past day and a half

You: im just feeling a little under the weather, nbd

Yoongi <3: why didn’t you say something, i’ll bring you some food

You: no you dont have to, ill be okay

Yoongi <3: bullshit, let me take care of my boyfriend

Yoongi <3: i’ll be over in a bit

Shit.

Shit.

Shit.

Shit.

Bolting upright in bed, you glanced around your room, covered in snack wrappers and dirty-blood sodden clothes. Ignoring the pain in your gut, you began gathering up all the dirty laundry that you’d thrown around the floor. Yoongi couldn’t know, he couldn’t, the nagging voice in your head said. He’d be grossed out by you, he can’t know. 

Shoving all the clothes into the washing machine, you poured in the detergent and slammed it shut, pressing start. Okay. Now you just had to clean up your room. And by cleaning, just stuffing all the wrappers into the trashcan next to your desk and putting any plate you found in the dishwasher. 

As you got back into your room, ready to change into other clothes, a wave of cramps washed over you, causing you to double over in pain. Body going into autopilot, it did the only thing it knew how to do when you felt this amount of pain. Curl up into a tight little ball and hope for it to pass. Not even bothering to climb into bed, you simply lowered yourself onto the floor, praying for it to be over soon.

Not even a few minutes later, you heard the door to your apartment open and Yoongi’s voice filled your ears.

“Y/N?” He called out to you as the door shut behind him. “Where are you?”

“Bedroom,” you responded in a groan, trying to get back to your feet before he saw you laying on the floor, writhing in pain. You guessed you were moving too slow because soon enough, Yoongi was above you, a wildly concerning look on his face as he kneeled beside you, helping you back to your feet.

“What are you doing on the floor?” He questioned.

“Floor is comfortable.” You shrugged, hoping he wouldn’t push further. 

He only furrowed his brows at you, confusion clear on his face as he took in your current state. Day old pajamas and bed head, your bed an unmade mess. You watched in silence as his eyes fell onto your bed, honing in on a particular spot. Following his eyes, you noticed what he was focusing on. 

Dead center of your bed, were a couple of red splotches, standing out clear amongst the white sheets. You cringed at yourself, completely forgetting to throw the sheets in with your clothes. From there it wasn’t hard to put two and two together.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” His voice soft and unaccusing. 

Your gaze fell to your feet. “I just- I didn’t know how to tell you- I didn’t want you to see me like this. . .” You tried your best to blink back the tears that had welled up in your eyes. “Like I’m. .  less of a man.”

“What?!” You flinched at how loud he spoke. “Y/N, baby,” he raised his hand to your chin, gently forcing you to meet his eyes, “you’re not any less of a man because of this. You’re ten times any man, even me.” He said as he cupped your cheek. “You can tell me these things, I won’t think any less of you.”

Unable to hold the tears back anymore, you let them fall, rolling down your cheeks. Surging forward, you wrapped your arms around him, burying your face in his chest. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“Shh, it’s okay. You don’t have anything to be sorry for.” He whispered, rubbing soothing circles into your back. “When was the last time you had any ibuprofen?”

“Uhh, last night?” You sniffled, refusing to let go of him. 

“Go take some right now, then go sit on the couch and pick out a movie.” He said, pulling away slightly to look at you. “I’ll put this in your washing room and take care of it. Okay?”

“Okay.” You nodded, wiping tears away from your eyes. 

“Hey,” he broke the hug to cup both your cheeks in his hands. “I love you so much. You know that, right?”

“I know.” You smiled at him. Yoongi returned the gesture, his lips curling into a smile that radiated comfort and warmth. Lowking his head ever so slightly, he pressed his lips to yours in a chaste kiss. “I love you too.”

[kpop-angels]

— bts fake texts pt. 2 > hobi surprise visiting his baby boy for his top surgery