#brought this idea from myself in 2014

[alexalexinii]

Manolo Sanchez as La Muerte

[lexapro-princess]

Rant: I still remember when this show was airing. I was 13 and having a hard time but I enjoyed this so much it made me forget about the pain for a second. I can't believe every single one of these actors and actresses are now in their 30s while i'm in my early 20s. I feel like everything happened too fast. I grew up too fast, they grew up too fast. I remember Ari's Dangerous Woman album, Lana's Honeymoon, Taylor's 1989, and everything makes me so nostalgic. I was in high school and even though I was depressed, life was still good, it was still sweet. Now everything seems to be falling apart, the idea that I can't go back to being that 13 year old girl who was innocent and young makes me suffer. I feel like my life is over. No one is gonna hold me anymore and tell me that everything will get better, no one will justify my pain just because i'm an adult now and not a kid. No one will look at my scars and be worried, they'll just say i'm doing it to get people's attention. I have to work, live by myself and worry about everything in a world that seems to be on fire, when I was 13 the world seemed full of possibilities. I miss having fun with friends, I miss being a teenager. If you are a teenager, please enjoy every second of it because it won't come back. I'm sorry for being blunt but I can only wish somebody else told me to enjoy my teenage years instead of just complaining all the time. Life seems so unreal now, people are so divided, everything is war and stupid content like tiktok. The magic the 2010s YouTube or 2014 Tumblr or Vine brought is incomparable, I don't see that happening now. I even asked ChatGPT if anyone in science is working in time travel because I'm that desperate and stupid. (I know it's impossible) So anyway, my advice is please seek professional help if you're struggling and enjoy your teenage years. I miss them incredibly and I can't get them back. Tumblr is like therapy to me, I know I can post something and somewhere, someone will understand. If you need somebody to talk to, please know that I'm here. My DMs are open. And if you're in your 20s like me and miss being a teenager, don't forget to work on yourself. I wish somebody told me things will get better, that I'll eventually stop missing my teenage years, but I wouldn't believe them. Since the pandemic that I've been detached from reality, and I miss the 2010s so much. I don't see anything good out of this decade. Things seem so much worse and to make matters worse, I'm an adult now and no one is gonna save me. I'm here if any of you needs to talk, we should support each other. I wish I could get in a time machine and be 13 again, watch Scream Queens and believe someone when they tell me it'll get better. Sorry for this rant but I can't talk about this with my friends, they wouldn't understand. And if you made It this far, thanks for reading.

[musingmelsuinesmelancholy]

Would you say your spiritual beliefs have changed significantly since you first began exploring spirituality? Do you feel your core beliefs have changed or remain the same?

ooooooh hell yea! how horrified my 14yr old self would be at the shit I get up to now xD

I started out as a neo wiccan, super-duper new age. I'm talkin crystals, reiki, "smudging", rede thumping, love and light and pixie farts. There was some animism, I think I've always been one to an extent. I have very distinct memories of being angry at kids for "hurting" the plants outside the church at school and being absolutely horrified to hear that only humans had an immortal soul. Firmly rebuked that idea in my lil ginger gremlin heart, much to the priest's annoyance. Once I found wicca it validated those feelings of mine and allowed me room to explore them, though not to the extent I later would. Given that I was very fluffy when I began, around 2014, I was very much into (for lack of a better word) toxic positivity and I struggled to accept/acknowledge the darker parts of myself, nature, magic, occult/pagan history and spirits. While there was some animism there it was lacking nuance. It made me uncomfortable to try and reconcile this nature-based religion with the violent colonialist history of the country. So I ignored it.

I found, or rather was led to, traditional witchcraft in late 2017. This led to me fully embracing animism as the focus of my craft/spirituality and accepting all those dark things I had shunned. I moved completely away from deity worship. Tho, tbh, I don't think I ever really did believe in The God/Goddess. (I was one of those all gods are The God/dess types) I think it was more that I liked the sound of it, and I agreed that the divine feminine was sorely underappreciated rather than having actual belief/devotion. I was able to reconnect with my Maliseet relatives which was so instrumental in my developing a more nuanced approach to and understanding of animism.

Rather than craft being a religion it was a spiritual practice. A way to connect with the spirits and make things happen. I yearned for power, for witchcraft. It was how I survived living with my father, how I survived my ex's abuse and how I escaped. I was spite, hate and venom. Cursing, binding, dominating, sweetening and twisting.

My local lore as well as the lore of my ancestors' cultures informed my craft. I balked at the idea of worship. A witch makes magic, we do not bow. Why rely on a god when ours is the weaving of fate? What God would want such a cruel and twisted witch anyways... We have our devil(s), land spirits, the dead... our "little gods". I Didn't need or want a Zeus. After all, there was none of that in the lore. Coming from a catholic background I saw people begging God to fix their problems. Issues which, for the most part, could probably be handled pretty easily. I learned to see seeking solace and strength in religion as a kind of weakness.

Once I was free a vacuum was created. I had my relationships with spirit but I felt rather aimless.. I have reverence for my witch father, after all, it was He who opened the door, yet I felt a certain emptiness. There was no need for all this malefica I had been used to.

Eventually She appeared to me; all those hidden parts of myself were brought to light. I felt like a granite pebble. Hard and unyielding, to be worn smooth ever so slowly by the ocean. Try as I may to remain jagged the waves will win; I will be softened/polished... She opened me to love, not philia but rather something rather like agape. If you'll forgive my catholic terminology haha. I still don't understand. As I'm writing this, I'm in disbelief that I actually said that... that I actually truly feel this way now... This is new and not at all where I thought I was headed. I'm embarrassed that I ignored her for SO long and all because I couldn't find mention of what I was seeing/experiencing in folklore. Yet she was there, from the start.

I'm not sure where this will lead nor how it'll shape my craft. I'm exploring (and adoring) gaulpol. I'll have to, like my animism, learn how to practice it in stolen land. I'm unsure of how syncretic my craft will remain, as a large portion of it was informed by new England lore. My ancestors faith has always played a large role in my veneration of them.. then again they sent me messages/omens when I asked for guidance in identifying Her.. so perhaps neither of them will mind haha.

My craft began very terrestrial, and it will continue to be so, but it has become much more focused on water and stars than I would've thought. I always thought of the heavens as more the purview of ceremonial magic. One thing that's stayed 100% consistent is the imposter syndrome and fears/feelings of inadequacy xD

Good lord I fuckin rambled huh? TLDR yea shits changed, always been a dirty soil lovin animist from the sticks. THank you for the ask bud! Sorry about the novel that shit is wicked long

(I hate that when I'm tired the fuckin Mainer comes out)

[noisytenant]

what was ur trajectory for getting into hardcore?

Short answer:

Vocaloid -> Tumblr mutuals give me a taste of hardcore -> hardcore touhou arranges and lolicore -> hardcore autism -> 4lung links me a copy of FL studio -> Perpetuates the cycle

Long timeline below the cut:

c. 2009-2011: get into vocaloid because a high schooler TA at art camp plays World Is Mine and a few other classics, and i think it's just the coolest thing ever.

c 2012-2013: still really into vocaloid. it's my special interest. finding myself enjoying electronic stuff but not knowing anything about genres. going on youtube deep dives, listening to anything i can find reuploaded off niconico. i have a bookmark folder from around this time with a good hundred or so songs in it lol

2013-2014: introduced to things like wolfgun, pendulum, and more experimental electronic like osamu sato by tumblr mutuals. some of my mutuals make their own music. they and quite a few others i follow are into lapfox but i never went out of my way to listen. the callout drops and i have no idea what anyone is talking about but i avoid the subject.

i want to get into making music. i had a tiny bit of background when i was in elementary school, but i still struggle to read sheet music, i don't know shit about playing the piano, and i don't know what programs to use. i watch Cakewalk videos in mystified awe, unable to read anything on it. i am very bad at searching for information online.

somehow, i get myself into using UTAU, mostly just converting USTs, doing a little tuning, and trying to edit in Audacity. I start using Famitracker. While I struggle with the interface, I finally for the first time understand music. The process of synthesizing a sound makes sense for me, and I want more.

2014-2015: i'm into 8tracks and i like, like fucking, electroswing and glitch hop and shit. i'm just listening to random dancey electronic. i don't know. i liked the hotline miami soundtrack

2015: old vocaloid producers are retiring and moving on, the slump is starting to hit. i get a new computer, i deleted my old tumblr coinciding with losing most of the people i spent time with on there, i focus more on school. but i'm on twitter and soon i've remade my tumblr.

i start making new friends. i get invited to play nekodancer with one of them, and get introduced to their friend (hi ein). i think he put on like a goreshit song or a touhou arrange or something but it just really cracked my brain open.

i get into touhou, i get into touhou arranges, and this is when i meet gabber and breakcore. i'm also pretty into lolicore but i have a hard time talking about it due to it being called lolicore (oh, how time changes a person)

2016: at this point, hardcore is my special interest. i'm collecting things in youtube playlists, i'm getting really granular about genres. i'm slurping shit off of lolicore.ch

i want to make hardcore but i don't know how. i try doing things in sunvox to no avail. i try playing around in audacity to no avail. but the hardcore spirit is within me

additional events of note:

2016 or 2017: i don't know when or how i ended up finding out about 4lung, probably a twitter mutual. i like her stuff and she puts out a lot of it. the fanbase is friendly.

if you ask, 4lung will send you a pastebin with a link to FL studio, sample packs, and tips on getting started making breakcore. so i get FL studio. i'm still busy at school, but i make some practice tracks for assignments.

2017: i make the first E-R0 MAID.f track.

and then i just kept going. my music-related special interests wax and wane with my ability to focus on them compared to other things going on in my life but they never really fade completely. in early 2023 i started djing so that's brought it back.

so yeah that's roughly my trajectory thanks for listening

[starlitiris]

“Where is the Justice?”

Chapter 5: Lab Rat

Summary: “Sebastian and Malachi are having lunch together, just as they have been everyday for the past few months. I’d like to say that nothing is new, but that would be a lie. It’s the calm before the storm.”

Notes are at the end

~ ⚖️ ~

January 29th, 2014

“Looking a little blue around the gills, Sebastian!” Malachi sat across from Sebastian at the table, setting his lunch tray down without much care. He grinned, finding himself very funny.

“Dude. Not cool,” Sebastian glared.

“Well, it’s true,” Malachi picks up his fruit cup to open it. “You do have gills, and they are blue,” he points out.

Sebastian rolls his eyes and goes back to picking at his meatloaf – if he could even call it that. The food here wasn’t much better than what he was given in surface-prison.

Sebastian wasn’t too jazzed about having gills visible on his neck for everyone to see. He wasn’t too jazzed about them being there period. It hurt and itched to grow them in, and the soreness and itching hadn’t stopped yet. It was distracting and unpleasant, not to mention the skin around his gills was starting to turn a blueish-gray. It looked gross to him. And everyone can see it. At least his jumpsuit was hiding the gills that had formed on his sides. Those ones looked even more disgusting, in Sebastian’s humble opinion.

“You’re an ass,” Sebastian remarked.

“Nahh, you love me!” Malachi said teasingly before shoveling a spoonful of diced fruits into his mouth. He didn’t finish chewing before he spoke again. “So, any updates? What’s the deal with, uh… whatever’s going on with you?”

“No idea. They said the skin changing color is a side effect they’re going to have to rule out. They also said that my skin changing color seems to be the only side effect presenting itself so far, but if anything else starts to change, then they might put me on 24 hour watch to monitor the changes. Also to make sure I don’t die or melt into a puddle of goo, too, probably.”

“Damn. Hopefully turning you into a smurf is the only side effect,” the blond added, this time without a mouth full of food.

“Okay, first off, fuck you. Don’t call me a smurf. And second… yeah, me too. But knowing how my luck has been lately, it probably won’t be the only side effect I have to deal with,” he concluded pessimistically, finally beginning to eat the slop on his tray.

“Hey, you never know! Your luck might start to turn around soon,” Malachi offered a hopeful grin.

“Easy for you to say,” Sebastian retorts. “I got sentenced to death for something I had nothing to do with right after finding out my partner was pregnant, got brought down here 32 minutes before I was supposed to be killed, wasn’t even here for a month before being randomly selected for a human experiment meant to disfigure me, and now I have gross gray gills on my body and everything is sore and itchy.”

“... Mm. Well,” Malachi starts, “at least you’re alive.”

Sebastian looks up from his food to see his friend’s sympathetic smile.

“And you have me!” The blond shrugged. “That’s somethin’ right? I think it helps to have a friend when everything sucks. No matter what happens to you because of this experiment thing, I’ll always be right beside you, man.”

Sebastian says nothing.

“I mean, I know I annoy the shit out of you sometimes, but I just like to have fun. And I care, y’know? I try to be a good friend to you when it counts,” he sets his empty fruit cup to the side and continues. “I know you lost a lot and feel like you have nothing left, but you have me. And you always will.”

Sebastian stares at his friend thoughtfully for a moment, then sighs. “I don’t know how you stay so optimistic when you lost everything, too, and got stuck in this shithole.”

“Blame my sister. She’s the one that taught me to make the best out of anything. And besides, I didn’t lose everything. I still have myself! And that’s something that nobody can take away from me. Plus, I have you now!” Malachi playfully kicks one of his friend’s feet under the table. “You and I are in this together from now on. So don’t go dyin’ on me in some containment cell, okay?”

“Tsk. Yeah, whatever,” Sebastian can’t help but smile a little. Malachi’s good mood was obnoxiously contagious.

He really isn’t sure how Malachi does it. Half the time, he seems to be off in his own little world where everything is sunshine and rainbows. As if they aren’t doing slave labor at the bottom of the ocean as punishment for crimes they either didn’t commit, or didn’t know they were committing. As if the other prisoners around them weren’t dropping like flies because of whatever this organization was making them do. But Malachi proves time and time again that he isn’t oblivious to any of that. He understood the gravity of the situation they were in. It was unfair, and their lives were at risk everyday. It sucks, and Malachi knew it. But he wouldn’t let this place, or anyone break his spirit. He wouldn’t let anyone break him. Sebastian admired that.

Having Malachi around keeps him afloat. Sebastian is still grouchy and miserable all of the time – it’s hard not to be when he’s still trying to process how much he’s lost and been through in the past months – but Malachi helps him push through. He helps Sebastian think sometimes, even if just for a brief moment, that maybe things will be okay.

And all Sebastian does is bitch and moan about how terrible life is. He knows he can’t really be blamed considering everything he’s been through, but he must be a real drag to be around, huh? He feels like he owes a lot to Malachi. He supposes… trying to be a little more positive is the least he can do.

“... My birthday is soon,” Sebastian mumbles.

Malachi perks up at this exciting piece of new information. “No shit, really? When is it?”

“February 3rd. I turn 21.”

“Oh, nice! I know there’s not a whole lot we can do about it, but I’ll try to think of something! Maybe I’ll just give you whatever you want from my lunch tray as a birthday gift,” he notes with a goofy smile.

Sebastian shook his head and rolled his eyes. “You don’t have to do that. Keep your crappy lunch to yourself.”

“I gotta do something for you. It’s your birthday! And we both need a little more celebration in our lives, anyway.”

“Giving me your food is probably the only thing you can do, and I don’t wanna take your food from you. You need to eat.”

“You won’t be taking my food. You’ll be receiving my food. As a gift. Besides, it’ll only be for one day and I’m not giving you my entire lunch.”

“Yeah, yeah. Still. A simple ‘happy birthday’ will do.”

“Hmph,” Malachi crosses his arms and thinks. “Oh! You know what- maybe if we’re lucky, they’ll have those blueberry muffins you like as an option for breakfast again! If they do, I’ll give you mine and settle for a carton of milk or something.”

“... Alright. Fine. If they’re giving out the muffins again.”

Malachi grinned, happy to have made some sort of compromise. Sebastian shook his head again, but he was still smiling. He appreciates his friend wanting to do something nice for him on his birthday.

Enjoying his upcoming birthday would be difficult. He desperately wanted to spend it with you. With you, his mom, Rita, Gavin, and the twins which he was sure had been welcomed to the world by now. Thinking about the twins left a sharp pang in his heart, knowing he would never meet them. But, as per Malachi’s advice, he would try to remind himself that they were in good hands. And he would try his best to enjoy his birthday a little. For Malachi, for himself, and for you. He knows you would want him to try.

And, to a very small degree, he was able to. His luck did briefly turn around on the day of his birthday, and he was able to have two blueberry muffins for breakfast, courtesy of Malachi.

If only that luck had lasted, though. A few months later he would be struck with migraines and severe leg pains. He was rendered unable to work, claiming to be in too much pain and not having full function of his legs anymore. So, as planned by the scientists on his case, he would be taken away for testing and 24 supervision.

Malachi was worried, hoping his friend would be okay and wouldn’t be gone for long. It was a little alarming to watch him get carried away on a stretcher.

In the following weeks, Sebastian ended up being glad for once that you and the others thought he was dead. This way, none of you would have to know about what was happening to him in the months to come.

You wouldn’t have to find out about any of it. He truly believed it was better this way.

Death would’ve been more merciful than what he was about to go through.

~ ⚖️ ~

Ending Notes: At least he got his blueberry muffins

Sorry my chapters for this series tend to be so short </3 I might come back to this later and try to make it a little longer, but no promises. If I do end up doing that though, I’ll be sure to let you guys know in the notes on the next chapter!

Ao3

Chapter 4 - Chapter 6

[jadeharleyinc]

Okay responding to your post to mine about the Cismen Dni post because the OP has finally decided to block me.

I think that's giving a lot of reach to the idea of someone saying Cis men DNI on a post, which usually, from examination is mostly just horny posting.

And even following the line of logic you've set up, I'm going to say the impact would be so categorically tiny as to almost insignificant just based on like the number of blogs that use it if we are establishing that a DNI can present so much about a complete person(s) who seems mostly to be horny posting on tumblr on their personalised blog.

And just so I can make myself clear, I do believe DNI lists are stupid and ineffective and don't do anything. But assigning so much meaning to them is also baffling. It's the kin dni lists discourse of 2014-5 brought back to stupid stupid life.

i think the point of the post is pretty explicitly, and pretty obviously, about more than DNIs. the mention of DNIs by itself may be beating a dead horse, yes, but it serves as an example of a broader "i don't want men to talk to me or even interact with my posts unless they're trans men" sentiment.

this sentiment matters a lot more, and is a lot more widespread, than the DNI example used to illustrate it. is it a poor example? maybe. you can address that in your reblogs if you'd like, that's good criticism. but i feel like you'd be missing the forest for the trees in that case.

also, there is nothing that separates horny posting from regular posting. sexuality is a normal part of the queer experience. you have to recognize that your posts, shared publicly on the internet, can mean something to cis men just like your regular posts would. the post being about sexual topics doesn't make it special.

[roleplaysolovinoiu]

Who am i?

Hey everyone, it’s still me, Serhii. I thought it might be a good idea to write this post since some people have misunderstood my invitation to join the jam as a scam. So, I’ll tell you a bit about myself.

I’m 33 years old, I work at a hospital, and I live in Ukraine. TTRPGs are my passion, and I try to combine my love for them with doing something good.

Before 2022, our small group of 40 people used to play various games in Ukrainian on a local Discord server. Before the Russian invasion, the development of roleplaying games in Ukraine was almost nonexistent. We just played in local groups without much interaction. Meanwhile, there was a huge post-soviet russian-speaking space, and everything Ukrainian developers created benefited that sphere, despite the ongoing war since 2014.

However, the brutal invasion and shared hardship brought Ukrainians together. By spring and summer of 2022, after we gathered ourselves, we started building our own community. Since then, we’ve achieved quite a bit: offline and online festivals, our own games (even in English), over 30 translations of well-known and indie games, educational work, lectures, reviews, new YouTube videos, and of course, ongoing charity fundraising. Charity has become part of our daily lives because we know if we don’t donate, both we and our families and friends won’t survive.

Personally, I helped found Roleplay Solovinoiu, a Ukrainian-language group I started with my wife to promote RPGs here. We’ve hosted tons of online festivals, introduced people to games other than D&D, and I co-organized the international Roleplay Ukraine festival, which we’ve held twice: in 2023 and 2024. Hopefully, nothing will stop us from holding it again in May 2025.

I’ve also been involved in translating games into Ukrainian, like Lady Blackbird, Call of Cthulhu, Vaesen, Dune: Adventures in the Empire, Fallout 2d20, Lasers and Feelings, and some indie stuff. Soon, Durf will be released—we hoped to finish it this summer, but we had an unfortunate situation with our layout designer. And I’ve also made the best social deduction board game, but I’m not allowed to talk about that :).

Now, we’ve decided to organize a bundle to raise money to help Ukrainian hospitals. Since I work in a hospital, I can see the massive need that the government can’t fully cover right now. In the jam’s post, you’ll find pictures and stats on how many hospitals have been completely destroyed, and how many are still hanging on, despite the damage. We’ve partnered with one of the biggest charitable foundations and know that all the money will go directly to helping hospitals.

So, that’s a bit about me. Yes, I’m a real person, not a bot. Feel free to ask any questions you might have!

Wishing you peace and skies free of rockets.

[habeascorpseus]

when i was in 7th grade, i had my first boyfriend. corny shit, i know. in many cases i dont think middle school relationships are enough to be classified as dating- but to this day, i do firmly believe our clumsy attempts at recreating the behavior of couples barely older than us did count. there was an emotional connection there. we had met in 6th grade and bonded over fnaf and minecraft 3 animations and all those other things that people still found found entertaining in 2014.

another notable thing in 7th grade that happened was that i had discovered i was transgender. well, i say "discovered", but it was honestly a long time coming. between my obsession with being seen as a "tomboy," my favorite song on the Kidz Bop 16 CD being Beyonce's "If I Were A Boy" (but sung in a way to make it so much less about cheating that it really became more of a call to action to imagine life as a man) to the point where i manually would loop it on my cd player for hours, and my growing love for mlm shipping— i had been a certified egg since i was in 4th grade. but despite being raised around and parented with about a dozen lesbian and gay couples since birth, i didnt know whether or not my parents were transphobic or not. so, after looking through a list of trans identities, i decided to just come out as genderfluid to my parents as sort of a compromise to the intimidating rigidity of being a trans boy. and even though it wasn't entirely fitting to what i'd ultimately figure out about myself, i grew pretty attached to it.

back to the middle school boyfriend.

at the end of 7th grade— like, a week before summer vacation— i publically came out as genderfluid. while my ex, who i will from now on refer to as Lou, had initially taken it well, albeit with some confusion, over the summer, a much different series of feelings began unfolding. unfortunately, as middle school boys are wont to do whenever one of them begins to act even slightly against the norm, his friends began asking him if he was gay. "if michael¹ is a boy sometimes, does that make you straight, or bisexual?" are some of the things i later heard them ask. and since i, phoneless till the age of 16, was unable to talk to him throughout this relentless picking apart of his own identity, by the time we got back to school, things were... different.

¹ Michael is the name i went by irl for 3 years from 7th-9th grade.

for one, there were the jokes. he was a big leafy fan (and i really did try even back then to steer him away from that but its hard when youre a cringe nerd middle schooler) and back then "attack helicopter" jokes were kind of all the rage, so he began jokingly identifying as a toaster. then he made a toaster mask out of a cardboard box, spray paint, and duct tape that he brought to school and began putting on whenever i walked by him in the hallway. and then, and possibly worst of all- a simple html website shared between his friends called "what gender is Michael today?" which lead to a random generator of options like, "boy", "girl", "toaster", and "attack helicopter." all of which is kind of a lot to deal with when youre a middle schooler with a pretty rough time of it already, and suddenly your main bully is the guy youve effectively been in a relationship with for 6 months.

and now you may be asking: hey habeas, why this sudden autobiographical deep dive into the most traumatic period of your life? what spawned this? how is this story relevant to literally anything going on? well, that's where the next part of the story comes in.

that year, our sex ed teacher was a 5ft transgender man named Mudd. Mudd had a buzzcut, and a higher pitched voice, and small hands, but beyond all of that, there was nothing visibly different about him than any other boy or man in the school. in fact, the boys thought he was cool as hell. they were fascinated by the idea of transformation of the self into an unrecognizable body. they never misgendered him, even after learning his status as a trans man. in fact, they were comfortable enough around him to be transphobic towards me. and Mudd, like a good trans mentor, told them to cut that shit out, and told me that regardless of how complicated and occasionally contradictory my identity was, it was still me, and i needed to stand up for who i was as a person.

a week later, Lou called me a tranny, and in response, i punched him in the nose and promptly stopped talking to him.

so again, why is this relevant? well, I'm not sure how terminally online (or specifically, on twitter) some of you are, but recently there's been a bit of a tiff in a certain fandom about bi lesbianism. specifically, how it, as an identity, is harmful to both the bisexual and lesbian communities. which, one: nooooo....??? bisexuality and lesbianism arent separate so much fraternal twins, and I've already talked too much to include further definitions to prove it. but my argument is really less about its validity as an identity and more about the principle of there being limits to acceptance, even within our community.

like with my experience, people were fine when they were faced with binary identities. a trans man like mudd is cool, or a trans girl like Jazz Jennings (we watched a lot of I Am Jazz in homeroom) could be seen as normal, and more so, inspiring. but when i came in with an identity people found to be contradictory or "too confusing," it resulted in backlash. the entire definition of being "queer" is to be abnormal to what general society finds acceptable, and even then, some things are "too weird" to be tolerated. even amongst "weird" people. which i find to be a pretty troubling trend amongst queer leftist young people who's only real experience with an "lgbt community" has been online. here, we prioritize and find catharsis in labels and categories to the point where the "queer community" has become instead split between identities- the gays, the lesbians, the bis, the transes, the aros and aces and the whatnot. in the real world, it doesnt matter what flavor of queer you are, nobody's going to stop and ask before they call you a groomer and then legislate your freedom away. which is why we, as an online queer community, have to get rid of the notion that some identities are "too contradictory" or "dont exist" enough to be worth giving support and love.

im saying all this here... because, well, one: nobody wants to read a 40+ tweet thread about my personal brush with irl homophobia and how that radicalized me against community separation in general, and two: i am deeply afraid of 14 year olds on twitter with too much time on their hands. but also im saying this because it was infuriating yesterday to watch my entire twitter feed suddenly turn into a puritanical campaign against the very concept of someones identity and have the ability to say nothing. it disgusted me how quickly we turn against our own simply because the way they are is confusing to our tiny fucking peanut brains. and i know none of those people who went on that tirade will read this, but i felt like it needed to be said anyways.

don't let society's impulse to ostracize the confusing and strange win out over human decency. don't do conservatives' strategy to divide and conquer us for them. a person's identity not being comprehensible to you is not inherently an attack on who you, yourself, are. you are your identity and you should stand up for it, and you should stand up for others' identities too. punch your bullies in the nose.

long live the confusing, the contradictory, and most importantly, the queer.

[daughter-of-sapph0]

quick question, what's an era 2 tumblr user? we have eras??

it's sorta something I made up myself. tumblr has gone through various shifts in presentation and tone that dramatically affected how people use the website. honestly idk if anyone besides me actually uses this system, but I'm gonna use it anyway because it's funny

so Era 1 is from the start of tumblr until dashcon. this is where the dashboard had those weird lines on the side of reblogs, was the hight of superwholock, allows editing other people's posts, and was filled the overwhelming prevalence of fandom. back then, tumblr wasn't very mainstream and most people who used it were big nerds (affectionate). so there was a strong sense of community between people who had shared interests.

Era 2 starts after dashcon in summer of 2014. this was a disaster of an event that sorta boosted tumblr's popularity for better or for worse. this is also when I first joined in late 2015 as an undertale blogger originally (my first blog has since been deleted though). this is what I'd call the meme era of tumblr. it's when most of the most popular jokes are from. it's when massive inside jokes and tumblr references started. and it's the time where the most people were active. and it lasted until about late 2018 with the porn ban

Era 3 was kicked off with many users deciding to leave tumblr near the end of 2018 beginning of 2019. tumblr's policy on porn up until then had been "go nuts. show nuts" until it was bought by virison who tried their best to make it "family friendly". the whole thing was handled very poorly ("female presenting nipples") and didn't even get rid of all porn, just porn from sex workers and artists who sold nsfw content to make a living. most of those people left for sites like twitter, and many other sfw artists (and also people who just used tumblr for free porn) left with them. for a while, tumblr was pretty empty. but not entirely. there were still very close knit communities, arguably even closer than Era 1 even. and honestly, this is when tumblr was at its most usable. it was quiet. the only thing that you had to worry about was the occasional porn bot (and staff's growing authoritarianism, but we'll get to that). it's hard to argue when exactly Era 3 ends. I like to say it's when elon musk bought twitter, but I also think it might have started a bit before then. it's more of a slow transition that happened sometime between early and late 2022

Era 4 is the return era. when everyone who went to twitter came crawling back. this was sorta kicked off with staff starting to be more lax with their porn restrictions. but don't think that staff was having a change of heart and suddenly nice. for the longest time, they had been overstepping boundaries and abusing their authority, such as banning mainly Black and leftist users calling them "Russian psyops". it was also around this time that people discovered that there were several terfs on the development team, and that was likely the reason they didn't ban nazis and terfs despite both being in clear violation of the tos. tumblr staff tried to distract from this controversy by adding a bunch of gimmicks. the crabs for April fools, blazing posts, checkmarks, tumblr live. this for some reason actually worked, and a lot of people just forgot or didn't care about staff any more, and it actually brought in a lot of new users. I have no idea how long Era 4 will last. all the Eras have been kicked off with a massive change in how social media operates that becomes more dramic and impactful each time. so short of the us government completely banning tiktok for good, I doubt Era 4 will end any time soon.

sorry this turned mostly into a rant against staff near the end. as you can obviously tell, I'm sorta biased towards Era 2 and 3, as that's when I had the best experiences with tumblr. and a lot of the problems I have with the site today can be traced back to staffs stupid decisions and abuse of power and authority.

but yeah. I hope that makes sense.

[its-nekodon]

Oh yea, i forgot..eh

Happy 10th anniversary, Five Nights at Freddy's! Thank you, Scott. You have my heart.

You made my life so much better, i had lots of fun watching my now favorite youtubers play your game, watch them and me get scared shitless, i mean i was 14 back then...you brought me joy, terror and ideas for my own stories. But you also gave me headaches, because of your damn confusing story! Fuck you, Scott! And you also made me annoyed when i played one of your games myself...security breach...the game that made me rage, laugh and that gave me an unhealthy obsession with a blonde woman with a ponytail and questionable attitude. That that was Steel Wools doing.. fuck you too.

Sometimes I couldn't wait for the next game, I was beyond exited for FnaF 4..but sometimes I couldn't care less, Fnaf Pizzaria Simulator was mid...and FnaF AR was boring and dumb.. but then I was exited again for the excellent VR game..and then the disappointment that was Security Breach.

I have much to say about FnaF, it's awesome songs, it's amazing Fanart and fangames like: FnaC, OnaF, Jr's and the amazing Joy of Creation. The wierd books, the crazy theories and my Rewrite that I'm committed to finish and post someday of your happy accident that was Security Breach and FnaF in general.

Thank you, Scott, again, for making this silly horror indie game called "Five Nights at Freddy's "! ❤️

And now, some Fanart that I did...I'll just shoe you the best drawings I did in those 10 years, starting with 2014.

This is Kento, my original character, that I've made and the first piece of fanart.

Some more OCs and Bonnie! The next 3 drawings are from 2015, and the last traditional drawings I did.

I was really proud of these back then. They are still decent.

The next post will continue with digital fanart and will show the point in my life when my art got darker/very cringe.

Art (c) @its-nekodon

Bonnie, Springtrap (c) Scott Cawthon, Five nights at Freddy's 2, Five nights at Freddy's 3

[ms-m-astrologer]

Welcome to the Shadow of the Eclipse

October 4-31, 2023

Some introductory notes

The “shadow of the eclipse” is a time period lasting from 10 days before the first eclipse, to three days after the final eclipse. It is recommended not to start anything new, or schedule anything important, during these days - as usual I refer everyone to the 1981 wedding of Lady Diana Spencer to the Prince of Wales, as an example.

Of course we live in a place/time which scoffs at letting astrology help with the timing of events - therefore don’t lose hope if something falls unavoidably within the eclipse shadow. Just be prepared.

I wanted to take a more thorough approach to delineation, this time. I hope it’s helpful.

South Node Solar Eclipse

A solar eclipse happens when the New Moon lies close (in the Zodiac) to either the North Lunar Node, or to the South one. It occurred to me to do a little research on whether which Node is involved, makes any difference - and yes, it does.

Astrologers call the South Node “the dragon’s tail” - Steven Forrest calls the South Node, “the dragon’s butt” - because here we are “pooping out” what we don’t need and can’t use. (One person’s poop, however, is another person’s fertilizer.)

Eclipses conjunct the South Lunar Node, like the October 14 one, have an outflowing (outpooping?) of energy. They tend to feature external events which we have to “rise up to.”

If you’d like to note how these have affected you in the past (always a good idea to check “what happened last time”), here is a list of the previous South Node solar eclipses in this century:

December 14, 2001, 22°56’ Sagittarius

December 4, 2002, 11°58’ Sagittarius

November 23, 2003, 1°14’ Sagittarius

October 14, 2004, 21°06’ Libra

October 3, 2005, 10°19’ Libra

September 22, 2006, 29°20’ Virgo

September 11, 2007, 18°25’ Virgo

August 1, 2008, 9°32’ Leo

July 22, 2009, 29°27’ Cancer

July 11, 2010, 19°24’ Cancer

June 1, 2011, 11°02’ Gemini

July 1, 2011, 9°12’ Cancer

May 20, 2012, 0°21’ Gemini

May 10, 2013, 19°31’ Taurus

April 29, 2014, 8°52’ Taurus

March 20, 2015, 29°27’ Pisces

March 9, 2016, 18°56’ Pisces

February 26, 2017, 8°12’ Pisces

February 15, 2018, 27°08’ Aquarius

January 6, 2019, 15°25’ Capricorn

December 26, 2019, 4°07’ Capricorn

December 14, 2020, 23°08’ Sagittarius

December 4, 2021, 12°22’ Sagittarius

October 25, 2022, 2°00’ Scorpio

October 14, 2023, 21°08’ Libra

Going down that list was a very uncomfortable trip down memory lane for me. When those South Node eclipses affected me, it was generally a harbinger of some difficult “external event” which I had little to no control over - which is not the same thing as saying “it wasn’t my fault.” I brought some of it on myself due to bad decisions. Some karma chickens coming home to roost, in other words. Not all of them were dire, though. One in particular gave me something of a respite from what had been happening in my life - it was conjunct my natal 12th House cusp.

Saros Series “7 South”

This eclipse is part of Saros Series “7 South.” Bernadette Brady writes,

The individual experiencing this series will find that huge obstacles will suddenly and easily clear or, on the negative side, a pending potential crisis will suddenly manifest and move through his or her life very rapidly. Either way the individual will feel that everything is moving at great speed. (The Eagle and the Lark)

Previous Saros “7 South” eclipses in Ms M’s lifetime:

September 11, 1969, 18°53’ Virgo

September 23, 1987, 29°34’ Virgo

October 3, 2005, 10°19’ Libra

Not quite as depressing for me personally.

Whatever Shall We Do?

1) Determine which of your natal houses this eclipse falls in.

2) Determine whether the eclipse makes an aspect to anything in your chart. Use a 1° orb. In my case, the conjunctions, squares, sesquiquads (135°), inconjuncts, and oppositions made the most obvious impacts.

3) If there is a close aspect to a planet, check to see which house(s) that planet rules. One South Node eclipse was conjunct the ruler of my natal 4th House, and I moved three months later.

4) Avoid strenuously negative thoughts. If you put a lot of energy into anticipating that something is going to be horrible and painful and disastrous, well, guess what - that’s exactly what’s going to happen. If you catch yourself falling into a panic, try to refocus the energy into “the best possible outcome.”

[likeadevils]

Do you know if the 150 vault tracks for 1989 was true? I’ve always assumed it to be false/exaggerated but it’s something I’ve seen being talked about on TikTok constantly so i’m doubting myself

as far as i've seen, that particular number comes from a secret sessioner. there probably some truth to it-- there's this aside from her New York Magazine article (which she gave on September 22, 2013) "While on the Red tour, she’d been writing songs and stockpiling ideas: reams of lyrics, thousands of voice memos in her iPhone," and she also mentioned in a video (i think in the grammy listening session when she's talking about ryan tedder?) that she tried to bring 3-5 ideas to a producer before they got in the studio so they could choose what they wanted to work on. which is like, an insane amount of backlogged song ideas when it comes to taylor, so it makes sense.

that being said, i don't think they were full songs (at least the vast majority of them). based on the voice memos and the interviews i've read, it seems like taylor would have a verse/verse melody and a chorus, and then once a producer chose a song she would flesh it out more. there are some exceptions, but by in large, most of the voice memos she brought to producers were varying degrees of unfinished. furthermore, the stuff that didn't get chosen by a producer was likely not recorded in any real way, and therefore not legitimately considered for the album.

here is a list of all the vault songs we know about

she was in the studio in early october 2012

jacknifee lee implied her and harry wrote a couple songs together that fall

she's tweets about being in the studio in february 2013

she's photographed entering one in early march

she posts on instagram implying she's writing a song in late march

in november of 2013 she says a couple times that she has seven or eight songs that she knows she wants on the album. by that, taylor had likely recorded 10 songs that went on to make 1989, 7 that had been made since taylor and jack had a big conversation about 80s music in may, and 5 of which that were likely recorded in the past two months. so, depending on how taylor was judging "songs she knew she wanted on the album", that leaves room for about two or three songs from late 2013 that almost made the album but didn't.

she writes one with diane warren in january 2014

she's photographed entering a recording studio in march 2014.

by may 2014, she had likely wrapped recording and done the album photoshoot. so being generous, that's roughly a dozen mostly complete, unreleased songs. there's always the possibility of more, but i would still say that would bring the total up to 15, tops. furthermore, only 5 of those songs that we know about were written after taylor and jack had had their conversation about 80s music (x, x, there's so much more pick like any piece of press jack does about 1989) and taylor starts building the album around it (x, x).

so like, despite having a lot of rough drafts, taylor likely had a fairly small amount of songs she legitimately considered for 1989 but cut. which is what the vault songs are-- not a complete record of every song she halfway made while writing for the album, but a collection of killed darlings.

[objectosexual]

Hii! So this is a question (that I've also been thinking about myself) how did you figure out you we're object sexual and how did you come to terms with it? (As someone who's currently questioning if they are or not rn)

I know I've talked about it here and there so sorry if some of this is me repeating myself but...

I didn't fully figure it out until I was around 16 or 17 if I remember right (it's been over a decade at this point), but I like. Had crushes on objects pretty much my whole life lmao

But yeah finding info about objectumsexuality (or objectophilia, which was the term primarily used pre-2014 when I was figuring this all out) was kinda hard. Pretty much the only stuff out there was like, click bait about people like Erika Eiffel (and other openly objectum people in relationships with public objects) which sensationalized aspects of it and all that. Stuff I didn't entirely relate to at the time (as I thought I was some level of aroace until I was like 18 -- a lot of it was dysphoria)

But yeah I had a like. Loose idea that the label existed and kinda fit me. I didn't think my experiences counted since the objects I liked were all fictional characters that were alive/anthropomorphized. I liked objectheads and gijinkas of objects. I didn't relate to like. The idea of liking something "cold."

I think it finally clicked when I got a crush on my first car, which was my first real relationship with an object (since I don't count my previous fictional object selfships as such 😅) I can't remember if I used the label prior to realizing I was attracted to my car or not but! I know for a fact I've been using the objecto/objectum label since!

Also all of this was WAY before I learned about the POSIC+ label and up until that point I just described that sort of experience as having hyper-empathy to inanimate objects (which is still true! but I now know it comes from a place of seeing objects as having souls or sapience or whatever)

Anyway as far as coming to terms with it... I don't entirely remember that process. I do remember struggling with it a bit, but at the time, I literally felt like I was the only objectum person on Tumblr (I wasn't, but since no one was really using labels I couldn't find anyone, but people definitely did find me)... It was definitely an alienating experience to be seemingly the only person online who wants to be in a serious relationship with his car.

But eventually meeting more people who had similar experiences, attractions, etc. helped me feel better about it and be more open about it.

Then the (threat of the?) porn ban happened which forced me to closed down my objectum porn blog, which I was already kinda ehhh about running due to some harassment I was receiving on and off Tumblr. So at that point I was more reserved about it

So my timeline is like:

Birth to 2012-ish: object crushes but no idea why

2012-2014: figuring out the label exists and questioning it

2014-2015: realizing it does apply to me, began relationship with my first car

2015-2017: open about it on main & running a porn blog

2017-2020: rarely brought it up directly

2020-present: more open about it again (as well as somewhere in there deciding to be more open about my relationship with Clockboy as an object, not just objecthead)

Idk if this helps at all but that's kinda the gist of figuring it out aha. I don't think you've always needed to know or anything, attractions can begin at any point in your life imo, but I think the following is important to consider if you're not sure:

What kind of attraction are you experiencing?

Is it romantic? Sexual? Both? Is it purely aesthetic? Or even platonic? All of these are incredibly valid, but I think if you have never felt "I want this object to be my romantic partner" or "I want to have sex with this object" then it might be worth doing some introspection on whether or not you "only" identify with the POSIC label -- a lot of those feelings really get muddied and that's what can make it confusing... But it's also possible you haven't found an object that you want that sort of connection with!

I think it's worth remembering you don't have to identify with the objectum label if, after self reflection, it doesn't resonate. Like I can't tell you how or how not to identify, and at the end of the day, it really doesn't matter that much, but if the experiences and feelings of other objectums feel close to your's, it might be worth exploring more as a label for yourself!

But yeah I hope this... All makes sense? Like my journey in particular may not be the like... Standard experience, since my whole life has just been me lusting after objects and once I had an object I considered my partner, it all relatively fell into place

[puuung1]

My book series Love is in Small Thing Vol. 1 and Vol. 2 in new English editions, are currently available on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/s?me=A2FK9CAAEGNND9

I've always wanted my books to be more accessible for fans all over the world, and the long journey to make that happen is finally over. I'm really happy. It's a very tearful moment for me. You won't know how many challenges I've had.

Since the publication of my first book in South Korea in 2016, it has also been published in various countries, including Indonesia, Taiwan, Vietnam, Turkey, Japan, Brazil, China, Philippines, and Russia in their respective languages. 🇰🇷 🇮🇩 🇹🇼 🇻🇳 🇹🇷 🇯🇵 🇧🇷 🇨🇳 🇵🇭 🇷🇺 Although unofficial, I made a small number of books by myself and sold them to small fans in 2014. I also opened crowdfunding on Kickstarter in 2015, and thankfully, 1,800 fans participated, so I was able to make limited edition books and send them to fans around the world.

However, I had one concern – continuous inquiries from overseas fans looking for English versions of the books. At the time, I felt helpless, but I decided to approach the Korean publishing company that had published my books and asked if they could add English translations to the captions in the book's illustrations. Fortunately, they agreed, and this resolved my initial concern. Eventually, in April 2020, revised editions with English translations were released.

However, at the end of 2019, when the decision to release revised editions was made, my second concern began. It was to find a way to sell my books to fans all around the world. Creating an online store was not an easy task, but I managed to resolve it using an e-commerce platform called Shopify. The real challenge was international shipping. Shipping costs from Korea to many countries abroad were prohibitively expensive, and I had no prior experience with international shipping. I worried about whether fans would be willing to pay such high shipping costs. Despite my concerns, I had no alternative. I diligently searched for a trustworthy shipping company, opened an official website in February 2020, and began preparing to sell my books.

Although I had hoped that this would resolve my concerns, a much larger problem arose, affecting not only me but the entire world: the COVID-19 pandemic. I couldn't have imagined that the pandemic's impact would be so severe. In April 2020, I started selling my books with great aspirations, but the pandemic brought global logistics to a standstill. Immediately after opening the website, I received orders from a lot of people around the world. I had packed all the orders and was ready to ship them, but I received notifications from the shipping company stating that they couldn't deliver to most countries. It was a moment of utter frustration after all the hard work. Orders continued to come in, but there was no way to send them. All I could do was apologize to the customers via email. Fortunately, everyone was understanding, but it took nearly a year to finally ship my books to all the customers. I had no idea that selling something to people living in other countries would be so challenging. Over the course of a year, I faced many trials and tribulations and finally overcame the obstacles.

The concerns, however, did not end there. Over time, I continued to receive comments and emails saying, "I want to buy your books, but the shipping costs are too high." I searched for ways to reduce shipping costs but couldn't find a solution. Since I wasn't a large-scale retailer sending out many international shipments, I couldn't negotiate significant discounts. So, I started looking for other alternatives.

There were two potential solutions. The first was to sell my book on Amazon using Amazon KDP – a print-on-demand model. The second was to sell my books on Amazon by producing my books in bulk and stocking them in Amazon FBA. However, I couldn't bring myself to produce the books in bulk and stock them in Amazon FBA, so I chose Amazon KDP and began selling my books in August 2020.

Has my journey reached its conclusion? Selling my books on Amazon and reading customer reviews, I found a new issue – the quality of the books. Print-on-demand is a method where books are produced and sent out as soon as an order comes in, primarily focusing on text-based books, which led to less-than-ideal paper and print quality for illustration-heavy books in terms of cost. Now, the final solution I'm going to attempt is to produce my books, stock them in Amazon FBA, and sell them. And it took a whopping three years. The long journey to make my books accessible to fans worldwide at reasonable prices and shipping fees has finally come to an end.

My books are now available on Amazon, and you can purchase the new English editions. I am extremely pleased to offer you high-quality English editions at an affordable price with reasonable shipping fees than before. Especially in these new editions, 25 additional unreleased illustrations are divided into two books. I hope this is good news for those who wanted my books but couldn't purchase them until now. I am deeply thankful for your ongoing love and support for my work.

[redheadgleekfic]

Ficlet: Dear Elder Anderson

by @redheadgleek for @wowbright

Words: ~1400

Rating: General

Summary: Coming home isn't always easy.

A/N: written for and inspired by my dear friend @wowbright and their Mormon!Klaine universe. Several months ago, we were talking about what happened after Kurt's return from his mission and it inspired this idea. As Wow hasn't read this, think of it as an AU of an AU.

Other notes: this includes blatant descriptions of the LDS temple with direct wording from the endowment and sealing ceremonies. Along with a multitude of other sins not condoned by the church. If this offends, I encourage you to find something else to read.

*

5 August 2014

Dear Elder Anderson,

I know, it’s a little weird calling you this after so many weeks of using your first name. But now, after coming home where I can’t call you Elder Anderson to our investigators on a daily basis or hear Elder Flannigan slaughter the pronunciation, I miss it. 

I miss you.

I miss you every day. I think I miss you most in the mornings, when I think about those mornings sitting across from you as you ate your pretzel and scrambled eggs and we did companion scripture study together. But I also miss you at night when I could hear you breathe in the dark and listen to the little snort you’d make when you were just drifting off. 

It’s weird being home, weird being away from you after so many months with you constantly at my side. You’ve been my compass for so long, that now I feel adrift. I swore I wouldn’t be one of those missionaries who couldn’t have a normal conversation for months. But every time I start to share a story about my time in Germany, it always seems to feature you, and talking about you both thrills and hurts me, so I stop and I sound so awkward. 

Dad suspects something. How much I don’t know, but he asks me a lot of questions about you. He can sense something has changed. That I’m different than I was before. 

He and Carole sat down with me two nights ago. They want to be sealed in the temple next month. And they want me to do Finn’s temple work. 

I am so conflicted and I think my silence surprised them. Doing my brother’s temple work so that we could be together as a family for eternity was my primary goal for so many years. This is what I wanted. 

I feel no guilt or shame over my feelings for you or anything we did. What we have is precious and God-given. I know this with as much of a burning bosom surety as I got when I’ve prayed about the church. So I felt no guilt when I sidestepped the questions at my exit interview with the bishop and I told him I obeyed the law of chastity and was worthy to enter the temple with no hesitation. He would have disagreed with me, would have excommunicated me if I had confessed, but he is wrong. It was harder to answer the questions about sustaining the president as a seer and revelator, when I’m not sure that he really is, but I got my recommend and I’ve been determined to use it. 

And yet, when Dad brought up us spending the day at the temple, I was at a loss. Do I want to do Finn’s work any more? Will he really be lost to me for eternity if I don’t? If the church is wrong about being gay, is it wrong about the afterlife too? 

I wish you were here so I could talk to you about this. Your straightforward explanations always calmed my worries and got me out of my head. You never were afraid of any of the questions I asked. I know if I brought them up with Dad, he’d worry about it. 

On the plus side, I was able to shove all of my mission suits to the back of my closet. I went on a shopping spree and treated myself to a new waistcoat and shirts with color and jeans - jeans, Blaine, I’ve missed them so much. They look great with the bowtie you gave me - I’ll send you the pics. 

Love, Kurt

*

7 September 2014

Mein Liebling Elder Anderson,

Yesterday, Carole took out her endowment and she and Dad were sealed together for time and all eternity. And with me acting as proxy, Finn was sealed to them too. They were so happy. Carole looked radiant in her white dress and Dad kept hugging us both. 

It was a draining day, spiritually nourishing and numbing at the same time. 

Dad baptized me, confirmed me and gave me the priesthood for Finn. I wept hearing his name over and over. “Kurt E Hummel, I baptize you for and on behalf of Finn Christopher Hudson, who is dead.”

Kurt E Hummel, I confirm you a member of the Church of Jesus Christ for and on behalf of Finn Christopher Hudson, who is dead."

Who is dead. I was reminded over and over that he was dead.

I’ve always loved the symbolism of the temple. Perhaps because Dad was a convert and Mom did things her own way, but I’ve never minded the anointing or the endowment or found it weird. There’s something meaningful in the rituals, the way that we would all perform the same signs at the same time that felt powerful. I felt closer to God the few times I went to the temple before my mission and that’s why I’ve been so determined to keep my recommend. 

Elder St. James told me once that he almost walked out when he took out his endowments, certain that he was part of a cult. I don’t think I ever asked you of your experiences with the temple. Carole didn't seem too shocked, but I'm pretty sure that Dad filled her in on what to expect.

The endowment bothered me more yesterday. Finn was washed clean from his sins by someone who everybody else in the church would see as sinning. I couldn’t help that wave of worry that by lying to the lord’s anointed to get the recommend and doing Finn’s work, I would be invalidating it all and he would be in the terrestrial kingdom forever. I tried to ignore it as I pledged to refrain from loud laughter for my brother whose loud, free laugh could be heard across the school and made everybody around him happy. I took vows to obey the law of chastity with promises for his posterity when he never got to get married or have kids or any of that. 

There were beautiful moments too and those were almost harder. When the officiant reminded us about the meaning of the marks, I remembered stroking the mark of the square on your breast as I listened to your heartbeat. I love seeing you in your garments, seeing you as a son of God. 

And everything felt peaceful and familiar and right when I stood in the prayer circle next to my dad and stepmom. Carole was crying, tears that seeped out from under her veil and my dad was glowing in pride for what I was doing. His wish of having all of his family together. 

Dad took Carole through the veil. Does my mom mind sharing my dad for eternity? So many questions that I have no answer for. He also served as the officiant when I got to the veil too. I didn’t know that this was going to happen and I started crying when I heard his voice through the veil. Having my dad’s hand on my shoulder, holding my hand and giving the tokens, and hearing him say “Let him enter” - Blaine, this is all I’ve ever wanted. We sat in the celestial room afterwards, talking about Finn and cried together. For once, one of the temple workers didn’t try to shush us for talking too loudly. 

When it was time for the sealing, we all walked to the room together. It was just the three of us and the sealant. Dad and Carole were sealed first, and then I knelt next to them as Finn, who is dead. I looked into the mirror, and watched our reflections echoing, trying to picture my mom beside us and Finn and you. Because you belong there too in our circle of love. I wish I could kneel across from you and take your right hand and pledge before God, angels and witnesses to uphold the holy order of matrimony.

And I can’t. I won’t ever be able to do that. 

We took pictures outside on the temple grounds. I’ve always loved the simplicity of the Columbus temple. It was built when I was a toddler, and I have pictures of my parents and me at the open house, my dad carrying me because it had been a long day. 

Again, I imagined you holding my hand as we exited out of the front door to the cheers of all of our loved ones. 

I thought I could still make the church work after coming home. I’d be like John Gustav-Wrathall, faithfully attending church every week with you by my side, even if they disfellowshipped or excommunicated me. I don’t know if I can do that, because I ache so much for what I can’t have. 

But I know this. You are worth more than the eternity that the church offers. 

Love, Your Kurt

[redrocketpanda]

Today is my 1 year anniversary of fic writing! I wanted to do something to celebrate but couldn't think of anything, so here's a little reflective ramble post about writing instead

For well over a decade (tbh closer to 15 years) I struggled with severe writing anxiety and, with the exception of one thing I posted in 2014, my anxiety became so bad that I completely disengaged from writing altogether. Whenever I sat down to write I would be filled with such powerful negative thoughts that I would become paralysed by them. I tried so many things to help combat this including writing workshops + classes, nanowrimo, mentoring, journaling, and reading tonnes of self-help advice, but nothing seemed to work. I grew increasingly despondent, afraid that nothing would "fix" me, which was incredibly depressing because when I was younger I loved writing. I wanted to get back to that space of creativity and joy that writing brought but instead felt like I was being pushed further and further away from it.

Then, in November 2022, I was talking to one of my best friends - @parad0xymoron - about how distressing I was finding S6 of My Hero Academia, to the point where I was struggling to watch it. Socket's suggestion? Write fic! If something is happening that I don't like or is upsetting me, then I can write a different version of events. And thus the first chapter of Just Watch Me - my Kirishima/Bakugou fic - was born.

And once I'd started, I found I couldn't stop.

Suddenly, all of the characters, and scenarios, and plots I was imagining in my head came spilling out onto the page. Between November - April, I not only posted all 4 chapters of Just Watch Me but I also wrote and published 7 other one-shots as well. This isn't to say that writing "suddenly" became easy. Of course it didn't. It was - and is - still stressful for me. There were times when I felt that all too familiar sense of paralysis creeping up on me, but I drew on all the tools I had learned over a decade to deal with it.

I stopped. Took a deep breath. Looked inside to see what was going on: What was I scared or anxious of? Then I addressed the issue myself, or spoke to friends who helped me process. And then I kept going. I didn't let the fear or the anxiety or the obsessive need for perfection to stop me.

In exactly 1 year (27th November 2022 - 27th November 2023) I went from 0 words to:

I repeat: In exactly 1 year I went from 0 words in (almost) 10 years to 87, 852 words across 12 published fics for 5 different fandoms. And that's not even including the thousands of words I have from my wips.

During this time, I didn't just write though. I spent time devouring other people's fics and learning from their writing. I spoke to a whole bunch of wonderful fic writers who gave me tonnes of useful feedback, ideas, reassurance, and validation. I began analysing media I enjoy to begin breaking down the parts of them that I loved so that I could learn from it. I joined a bunch of bang events (which, honestly, has been incredible). And I made friends with some of the most wonderful people + writers who are now very dear to my heart.

Perhaps ironically, I cannot even put into words how life changing writing fic and participating in fandom has been for me. It has given me back what no workshops or classes or professionals has ever been able to give me - my ability to write, and to enjoy writing.

So let me just be a sap for a minute and say a very tearful thank you to any of you who have been part of my journey - whether that's been in leaving kudos or comments on my fics, or talking through ideas with me, or beta-reading my fics, or gifting me your valuable writing advice, or sharing your own writing journeys with me, or being someone who I've made friends with.

I'm literally so grateful to every single experience I've had over the past year, and it makes me very excited to see what the next year brings. I still have far to go and much to learn, but damn am I revelling in the fucking joy of being able to write. I'm so excited to keep writing, keep creating, and keep sharing with you all <3