#bros i am burnt the fuck OUT. i am in SHAMBLES

[swiss-army-fangirl-art]

but it won’t happen again, and i’m not gonna pretend i don’t want the money

“IDWT$” ||| ‘the death of peace of mind’ ||| bad omens

alt vers. under the cut 🔥

[grapefruide]

Episode 8: Burned Out

Reading the transcript instead of listening to this one, as I still do not have international data and my headphones broke.

I have a penchant for Hill Top Road episodes. The presence and details of all the interactions with the different Fears and people is just great. Maybe this is why I liked the Eye so much, just because I liked learning about these things. I just mistook the reason.

It's not because I sought knowledge for it's own sake, it's because the concept fascinated me. The madness had to be my own.

Ivo here's work in wiring reminds me for some reason of that one video of that guy redoing an old lady's wiring and correctly guessed that her son, who did the (very bad) wirings' house burnt down.

Yeah sure bro go to a half-built house in the middle of the Oxfuck suburbs in the middle of the night and do wiring. Alone. That sounds safe and normal and cozy warm.

Damn do I hope this guy's gay

Oh fuck it's near South Park. That explains a lot.

Look, no offense to construction workers and I'm sure they're not all like this, but from what I've seen they leave a lot of nails just sitting around. I was tearing up my grandma's carpet once to have it replaced and there was just. Stuff under there. And my brother once made like 100 bucks with his magnets cleaning up people's yards after they'd had their roofs redone.

The tree! Oh, the beautiful tree. It's so infused and congested with Fear. I would sleep in it even if it gave me nightmares for the rest of my life. I bet it gave great fruit while it still lived lol

Reminds me of the tree from the Chronicles of Narnia, the one they made into a wardrobe. So much ancient power, I'm fucking salivating. God that sounds weird.

Anyway, the mention of the shadows makes me think of the Dark.

Hmm yes very normal guy this Raymond Fielding

Bet bro didn't check the dates on those papers

Why the fuck is Fielding here. What point does his presence serve. Like why does he have to be the inciting incident he is not that scary in and of himself.

Oh shit, this guy's got history. Fear of schizophrenia, fear of not knowing what's real... I mean, an awful disease. But. I like.

I self-diagnosed myself with schizophrenia at like. Age 7. I don't have schizophrenia, fucking shocker.

Ivo's dad reminds me of Montague in a way, each locked in a room working their life away in service of a fear, however aware of it they are, until their wife disappears in one way or another and their kid is left traumatized and is later touched by Fear themself in adulthood, often after the death of their father. Huh. Sure it doesn't signify anything.

Fractals are fucking cool, I would study them myself if I wasn't both on the run from the law at the moment and no good at math.

He's right about the hands.

I wonder if he ever saw the hallways.

Bro was just trying to see the hands for real, pity they were too sharp for him.

Isn't a huge part of construction work like. Spatial awareness. Fuckin dumbass.

This man is straight and I am in shambles

That's a pretty bad concussion if he had to stay in the hospital for two days, maybe it'll lead to further issues - or perhaps it's just because he lives alone and won't be able to care for himself with the injury.

I love the word diocese, it reminds me of eglantines

Agnes is so fucking cool she would make a great fruit

wait how the fuck did she get an education

Wonder who the house belongs to now. The statement says the legal troubles over ownership were resolved, but how?

Bro doesn't believe in ghosts. Such an L move

Too bad about the tree, but it does make sense.

This apple reminds me of the Tree of Growth cult. A beautiful apple in a horrible place, seemingly engulfed with fear, but it shrivels away to nothing upon closer inspection.

This continues to confirm my hypothesis that Fears go after people who are less likely to be believed. This of course increases the psychological trauma of the experience but also lowers the likelihood that the Fears' true nature will be discovered. Very clever.

This is a good statement, a great introduction to the problem of Hilltop Road. Jude Approved!

[aviofavalon]

bro i am so burnt out i feel like any day i am goibg to collapse

but my financial situation is such GARBAGE right now. i haven't been able to save money bc my girlfriend is homeless and i have been trying to make sure she doesn't starve etc

i tried refinancing my car TWICE this weekend and no dice and i am trying not to hate my ex roommate for fucking my money over so spectacularly

like. i aint the most responsible spender like wtf i have adhd. but like, i had adhd wiggle room before, and at the time i was successfully using a financial plan to pay off debts and pay my car on time so i could refinance it

and then she fuckin happened and it all went to hell bc i was trying so desperately to keep a roof over ohr heads

i keep getting sick on top of beinf severely overworked, my mental health is in shambles, my current living situation is so stressful and anxiety inducing,,,

lmao.

[fictionxlover]

Last of The Starks aka D&D SUCK

Be warned, I didn’t rewatch this episode because I didn’t want to (lol) but after thinking about it more I have a lot to say.

I want to touch upon the misogynistic writing in this episode because you could TELL it was written by men. We had to watch:

Sansa, a rape victim tell Sandor that being raped made her stronger.

Dany, who fought on the battlefield, not get any credit but Jon is praised for riding a dragon for 0.5 secs

Brienne, begging for Jaime to stay after he took her virginity

Varys, say MALE heir like that means shit

Misssandei, a black woman who was a slave having to get her head chopped up in chains to progress Dany’s arc.

All of these things were disgusting to watch and made NO SENSE!! 

Sansa would NEVER say that Ramsay and Joffrey made her stronger. She would say something like life is not a song, that she deserved better but she does like the new her. but also reminding the audience that didn’t have to happen to her for Sansa to become the woman she is today. 

I understand Dany being isolated from the North because she is the Dragon Queen and they want Northern Independence HOWEVER, this woman who fought on a dragon when jon wanted to wait, who picked up a sword and fought with her fellow soldier, gets NO credit??? NONE?? It’s just oh cool jon you rode a dragon dudee and burnt them all. BRO WHAT? Story wise it makes no sense too because Tormund saw Dany save them in s7. Jon isn’t the first one to do it all so....what is the truth?

Varys has always been this shady character and I know that motherfucker is a Blackfyre but him saying male heir shows he is also only considering Jon because he is male. It makes no sense too cuz well Varys has no cock lol and s5/6 he was ROOOOTING for Dany. HE was the one to push Tyrion to believe in her and for what?

You can like Missandei/Dany rl in the books/show but its problematic. I’m happy Dany saved her but Missandei still chose to work under Dany and that leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Missandei is also Dany’s trusted advisor but we never see that and now Missandei, a former slave, the ONLY black woman in the show has to get her head cut off in CHAINS, her last words being Dracrys just so the audience can be like ‘dany is right to burn KL to the ground’. It’s just horrible they used a woc for that stupid trope. JESUS. 

Even if George told D&D that Dany is going to burn some shit down cuz heart in conflict with itself, villain is a hero on the other side blah blah (im tired & grrm is problematic but that’s another discussion), d&d should have wrote it better. 

Then you have Brienne cry over Jaime’s dick? REALLY? Jaime has never been on a redemption arc! A character can grow, a character can do some humane things after doing some fucked up shit but doesn’t mean they are going to turn into this shining fucking knight. I would have preferred Brienne just being angry at Jaime more than her begging him. WHY? 

Oh, I forgot, so we have this scene where Dany begs Jon to keep his identity a secret. I hate this scene on so many fucking levels. 

First off it paints Dany in a bad light imo. Dany begging Jon didn’t come off has romantic or so they can live at peace. It came off has I want the IT to myself.  And I can’t even argue with people who say it had underlying themes of toxic relationships because if the TABLES WERE REVERSED, and Jon was asking Dany to do that shit, internet would be in shambles. There would be articles EVERYWHERE about how Jon is abusing Dany adjhjkdhdjk.

 Although, I have seen people say she is protecting Jon? But...the scene didn’t come off like that. Especially since the scene before you saw her POV of seeming out of place, paranoia, jealously. Whether we like it or not D&D are planting those seeds. And I understand what Dany is saying about people will want Jon on the throne but also not telling anyone isn’t protecting Jon? 

It’s just another secret weighing on top of him like it did Ned, that would eat him inside out. And from Jon’s POV I would have understood if he was like bitch what lmaoo? Cuz you KNOW the history of Targaryens. Not saying Dany would kill Jon but if there was some scenario like no one would know the truth. And it ISNT the same how Ned kept Jon’s identity a secret because Jon would have died from Robert’s hand. So far from what I see no one wants to kill Jon cuz is a Targ. Cersei does cuz he is a Stark. 

The truth of the matter is Jon’s parentage only affects Dany negatively. If you want to view it has a tragic love story for them? Sure, but my Ravenclaw senses are still like nah keeping it STILL after Robert is dead isn’t protecting Jon. It’s protecting Dany because he is a threat to her CLAIM.

Again, if you want to be like FUCK JON SHE ASKED ONE THING FROM HIM! Sure, go for it. 

Also, I would rather Dany not get on her fucking knees and beg fucking Jon too. Are you KIDDING ME? She doesn’t need to beg Jon for shit! What has Jon done? She’s been more a True Targaryen than him, fuck Jon! But this is another thing D&D can’t write fucking conflict. They just can’t. This story between Jon and Dany should be MORE. But its not going to be. Its just going to be Dany going mad cuz she is a woman and lost her bff blah. That's it. 

Then what Sansa did was SO Littlefinger but I am going to roll my eyes when Jon is mad at her because in s7 Jon Snow couldn’t even lie to Cersei. *mimics Jon* This man told a speech to Tyrion about how lying is WRONG and just causes more drama for the realm. BUT NOW because your auntie-girlfriend asked you to keep your identity a secret, you want Sam, and the Starklings to keep it to the grave. Especially when  the secret isn’t putting him in DANGER. He also sold Dany out because before he was like YOU GOTTA PROMISE. DO YOU NOT KNOW SANSA? ONCE THE TEA SPILLED SIS KNEW DANY MOST LIKELY BEGGED U NOT TO  TELL DUMBASS! 

And now you’re going to be mad at Sansa Finger (TeflonTV made up that nickname not me lol) for PLAYING THE GAME OF THRONES, to protect Starks/North HMMM VERY INTERESTING. (im done roasting jon but s8!jon sucks sm omg-)

With Sansa this episode it isn’t even surprising she told Tyrion. She knew he would tell Varys. She wants Dany off that throne because Dany rejected Northern Independence. It’s that simple. And I know people are calling Sansa a bitch and a traitor but to me it isn’t being a traitor towards Jon, she is betraying DANY. Like people keep saying oh she betraying Jon. No, you’re not getting it. She is betraying Dany who she probably doesn’t even think she is committing treason against because she isn’t Queen of Westeros YET. 

And not to go on another fucking rant. But yall hate when Sansa was submissive and not say shit but oh now she playing the game and its affecting your favs now you’re mad?? oookay, and I have mentioned this before. If Robb was alive do you  think he would really be siding with Jon/Dany? Robb we’re not bending the knee Stark? Sansa is finishing what Robb started, she is just being cunning so the North gets what they wants/House Stark comes out on top at the end. 

And again Bran/Jon be telling the truth and I don’t hear shit. Honestly, this episode had sm problems with double standards. How they wrote the women was BAD  and how some of the audience reacting to the women is offputting too.

There are other things that make no sense but they did have a Starkbucks cup in a scene like its a Modern AU so guess this show makes no sense anymore-

[pokefanbri]

"Home is where the heart is" I dont have to tell you where that lies. But its only part of the pain. I know in my heart I'm a good person, but my life has been in shambles since I was young. Theres many like me, that dont deserve the life they were given & yet somehow persevere through it just to survive & try to be happy through the pain.

How I ask do I deserve not to be happy. I feel there was no justice for me, I was dishonorably discharged lol. I was truly happy where I was, but even if i were to travel place to place...that is also in my blood, not just the place I resided.

I was at home, I was at peace, I truly loved everyone there & every second. But do I dare go there again, absolutely in a heartbeat. But this is what kills me, Part of me says "this is your life now, accept it, push through even if u can't" the other part of me says that ill be white knighted with a bust through the door like the kool-aid man & he says "sike, yea i fucked it up & didn't realize I had something special, will u forgive me" 😅

But i know that could just be my imagination & im overthinking again. But where actually is my life headed? I have a good heart, i care so much about those thats affected me even in a bad way...but maybe that's God's love showing right through me, because I forgive easy & help those that need it. My brother says that a "helper" is equivalent to a partner in crime & all aspects, a soul mate. He throws the word around with this subject, but he's also trying to find his forever helper which he believes is the mother of his 1st born children. Thats great, given the right circumstances & if her situation was better, yea they could probably try.

For me, caring & trust is my biggest downfall. Because i do so much for others b4 myself, I end up taken advantage of or at least feeling like it. Even if its not the case, the wrong thats been done to me all my life..made me this way. I cant help that. And to find someone that I trusted fully, only to find out that I couldn't. That breaks a person like me down & actually hurts to the core. I didnt deserve that, but it was the disservice that was thrust upon me without a 2nd thought. I wasn't given the proper chance to love someone because they refused to love me back & yea most of the time it was about them...but thats a leo for ya 😅

When someone shares it mutually, everyone wins, you're complete, u have that "helper" you've been longing for all your life. The good times that were shared, the humorous banter, doing something for the other just cuz u can & cuz u want to, showing eachother off to friends & family like "yea thats my babe right there" as if to say they were happy u were there,the best friend & sidekick that everyone needs...it was all gone in a blink of an eye. Leading on my heartstrings, making me fall harder & harder, the friendship to the end even, all for nothing. But because of all the positives, thats what gets me, it's why my pain is so confusing. Why was it all like that if not on purpose whether for a positive reason I have yet to understand, to make it easier for them not to deal without regard for the others feelings, or cause God making me suffer more through it to make me stronger...when I thought I was done with low struggles already.

Idk man, I just dont understand. But because of what my life has been like over the past half of the year, all the positives makes me want more...because I never got all of him in the 1st place. I always wanted more because he held himself back & on purpose. So maybe it did seem like attachment, but only cuz I longed for the same feeling in return & didnt give up trying to find it..literally any sign of it. I was trying to figure his sweet ass out & learn what kind of person he really was lol, so I could accommodate to him more especially in the last weeks I was sweating my ass off 😆 I was dedicated so much I was willing to change what wasn't liked on the outside. Like I wanted to do so much to keep the best thing i had, cause deep down I knew his old feelings fizzled out quick & I just didnt understand & I still dont. I mean I guess I understand if he wasn't ready for a commitment? And that's fine, but he committed b4 & when I was brought there. What is it that was so wrong about me, that negative thoughts festered so much about someone it makes u think someone else is the problem, when its not the case at all.

Theres nothing i can think of, nothing else i could've done to show my worth, that I wasn't a waste of time. Maybe I pushed too hard? But in those last few weeks I gave space & focused on myself & my tasks at hand with so much more effort to have some kind of a chance, to save what was precious to me..save someone else that couldn't rise up on their own. & i blew it somehow. I was told i settled, but that was the point from the beginning that we both agreed upon. I think it was just that the other was getting comfortable with someone around & it scared em..to where they couldn't do all they wanted in life along with dealing with someone else at the same time. Or possibly felt 1 or the other wasnt good enough for the other & felt inadequate or unequiped. And searching for someone else to fill a void they already had at home, thats another thing that befuddles me. The last time I saw him, it didn't look or sound like he cared, avoided eye contact til he drove off & my heart sank even more as I knew it might be the last time I ever saw him. I was too pissed & in the heat of the moment flipped him off til he was out of sight, but after...i wanted to die right then & there but my best friend was there & we were on a deadline just as he was. If I were alone & my friend wasn't there, I'd be sobbing in that parking lot for hours til someone found me.

They, he, had it all but lost it due to their own negligence, in my opinion.

I mean come on whats not to like about me that didn't go hand in hand with what they were searching for.

The perfect heritage to match his (Templin Germany the 7th largest region) with some jew blood, same interests & hobbys, outlook on life, the lucky number, a good & gentle soul with a love for God. Passion for travel, soft spot for bald eagles, the dream of becoming a parent 1 day, intellectually & gamer gifted, both loves BLT sandwiches...because i da snack too 😏, both have the same middle name but spelled differently & 30yr olds with same hs class year, I have 3 hansome brothers & he has 3 beautiful sisters. I mean Dafuq? Lol. We're total opposites & literally residing NE to SW of the country, 1 grew up well the other not so much...yet we still were able to find eachother....somehow? Bro how about u try the other half of the yr here, 6 month equivalent & finish 2020 the right way huh lol BET 😂 oh man. A girl can dream though can't she?

I have a college writing level & training in business, musical theater, massage therapy (which was the fav), veterinary tech college training in hs, 7 years of choir under my belt since 5th grade including after hs in multiple churches & my choir teachers wedding. I Iove animals, likes to paint, great with technology, listen to music & sing along to every word almost exact, family oriented, a gaming & content creating wizard, passion for helping people, can organize & clean the shit out of anything, can be the boss when i feel the need as well as the spunk & charisma to push forward at any given task. I can multitask & can get shit done if I set my mind to it, if there's something or someone I need to feel purpose to be my best self, yea & if I'm accepted, that's purpose enough right there to get my ass moving.

Yea, jumbling alot of shit in my early life made me crack under the pressure but only cuz i really went over the top & burnt out. But ive relaxed alot since then & am treated for my ailments, ive learned to do things to pace myself now to prevent a psychosis from ever happen again.

Ive said this b4, there was 1 other that also broke up with me...1st time it ever happened the other way around mind u, was also a Leo.. shocker lol. After only 3 months & of me saying the L word too quick...it was what finally broke me, what added ontop of everything else. I was living in my own apt since hs & after school a yr later at 19..he lived in the same apt complex & worked where i did. We hit it off really well & loved talking to eachother at work, almost the same humorous & smart personality with a passion for gaming, dead ass great driver, skinny & ample where it counted, & yea also a weed enthusiast 😅 all of it pretty much the same as the recent one in my life. Honestly thinking about it now they probably would've been great friends lol. Thomas was his name, but I was in a relationship at the time of meeting him as well. But I didn't pursue anything til that relationship blew up in my face just cuz my current bf's grandfather was my boss & saw how well Thomas & i got along as friends, associated it with cheating, & that was that. Tom could be mine after all lol, chips fell into place on their own after he professed his feelings to me on his MySpace blog so damn smoothly lol 😂 Saying there was a girl he liked, i commented on it, he asked me out, that was trap lol, but it worked lol. The chemistry was 🔥

But yea, we had alot fun together & he was completely chill with me. But after it ended it set something off in me. Ended up in a psych ward for 2-3 weeks, little did I know he was worried sick & had no idea where i was or how to visit. I wasnt allowed to have my phone but the persons number I knew by heart, was the previous guy b4 tom, the chubby aloof dumbass that was my 1st love lol. Tom hated him with a passion cuz this dude wasn't a man that treated me fairly, pushed onto me by his family for me to take care of, shelter & feed him mooching off of me & taking advantage of a comfortable place to live at 1 point. When i was in the hospital, my 1st was the 1 to pick me up. When I got back from the hospital I learned of how tom was worried & he gave me a big hug. But by that point I was back with the 1st...somehow that happened & I actually don't remember what brought it on cuz my memory throughtout those weeks was dowsed in medication...but Thomas was the one heartbroken instead of me this time cuz he actually did want me back, the fact I took this other guy back over him, a person he despised...was terrible to him & he severed all ties, moved away. He broke up with me, technically it was okay as so i thought to see someone else regardless if it was an ex or not. i didn't know I had another chance at all.

But anyway, the difference between the 2 leo Ts, 1 let me in completely, cared about me as much as i did for him in same way & the L word too soon is what did it in for him after 3 months 🤷‍♀️ The other T well..unfortunately 1 sided for the most part despite how well we clicked, i was faithful & the other tried not to be after 3 months & hid things due to his own insecurities, pulling me along for another 3months when I didn't have to do jack for him at all after that point, but I did. I might've said the L word too soon with him as well idk. But because I'm a different person than I was then, there's no psychotic break...its just the depressed feeling of defeat with the mix of the longing i still have for him.

Wtf is it with T names & the number 3!? ffs! 😫 Briana Leigh Templin BLT, Bri Loves...whoever Tfuk 🤣

I cant write anymore today, I gotta leave tomorrow. My brother wants me to work for him instead & make more money, in a team that would be like in an office space, basically an assistant but making calls & checking in with clients within his real estate, solar, etc businesses.

But idk, I just got my foot in the door with something else. If I let go of that, for something that could or could not be bad for me, then what do I do? Neither of them sound any less stressful, bryans idea however earns more money & would have me dealing with stuff I like to do in regards to skills maybe? Idk man, idk. It'd a tough call.

My point in writing this, nothing accept to show how much I thought he was perfect for me, just as he originally thought about me. These are all thoughts going through my mind, get them out of my head. To talk openly the way I am, its therapeutic. But I miss him so damn much, not sure when this feeling will go away. I still love him & even dare I say trust him,even through his lying ass faults & idk why, i shouldn't but i do...thats the powerful effect he had on me. Still waiting on the last promise to be friends, im giving space, venting here instead of to him cuz i wouldn't want to be that much of an annoyance. I was going to include more but it'd be dark & negative,& im not about outing the worst in people especially if he was a good guy for the most part...no that wouldn't be right, probably deserves it to be honest..but no. I still wanna do right by him. That's all for now