#broke: drawing fanart for the newest episode

[moccone]

sorely missed, dearly departed

[princettegil]

How A Stolen Book Changed My Life

(Also known as "Dragon Knights Saved My Life") It started on a day somewhere between late 2006 and very early 2007. I was 16 and in high school and convinced my parents to stop by the library in town instead of the one nearest my house. I was looking for some manga and I knew they had some. It was a paltry little offering, just a handful of volumes in a short shelf. A few random Yugioh volumes, some Dragon Ball Z, a few stray volumes of Naruto. Nothing caught my eye in particular so I decided to just pick at random. I grabbed a volume of Yugioh, another of some shoujo dream something or other and 2 volumes of a manga called Dragon Knights, volumes 22 and 23 respectively, the only ones they had. I recall flipping through the pages trying to determine which held more interest as I sat in the car while my family went into Walmart to do a little shopping. I don't recall much about the shoujo dream manga except that it had 'dream’ somewhere in the title and the Yugioh volume was just something to flip through to compare to the anime I had already seen. I had high hopes for that shoujo manga but it sadly disappointed (didn't help that it was volume 2 and I'd never even read volume 1.) So I read through character profiles and 'the story thus far’ in the Dragon Knights manga, having a hard time fitting faces from the older volumes artwork in the profiles with the newer style artwork in the books I had. It was going to be a 26 volume series and I had borrowed volumes 22 and 23 having never heard of nor read the earlier books. I was at a loss to the storyline even with the summary in the front of the book, none of the “main” characters seemed to be around much in these 2 books. But one caught my eye, a character named Gil. As it turns out I just happened upon 2 of the 4 books of the entire 26 volume series that focuses on this character! And I had no idea how that happenstance would change my life. Needless to say I fell in love with this character. I began to draw him, make up stories in my head with him, want to know more about him (ahh the trouble of loving a side character in a little known series!), read fanfiction about him. I wound up finding every Dragon Knights related website and forum I could searching for more information. I was obsessed. I tried my best to get my hands on the other volumes he featured in first before eventually trying to collect the entire series. I fell fast and I fell hard. This was my new favorite character, my new obsession to draw and trace and print and read and write and search about. I wanted any and everything Gil! But these were library books, they had to be returned in 2 weeks. But… I couldn't give them up now! Not when I had fell in love! There were no bookstores where I lived. My parents didn't have a credit card to order books online. The library was my only connection! I had never stolen anything in my life. I loved libraries! I knew how frustrating it was to want a book that someone borrowed from the library but never returned! But… this felt like fate! This was my soulmate made from ink! And so… I didn't return them. I kept them. Marked out the barcodes with Sharpies to match the book covers. Since I was the one who always checked the mail on my way home, I destroyed every letter from the library about fines so my parents would never know. I stayed nervous that they would still find out somehow though. That they'd be mad that I'd stole and that they'd have to pay hefty fines. Within two years though, another letter from the library arrived. My gut sunk with fear. They were going to get me now and lock me up in library thief jail! But instead the letter mentioned National Library Week and came with an amazing note: in celebration they had decided to forgive my fines. I was free! $50 in fines was something I no longer had to worry about! The books were mine and my parents would owe nothing for them or my sin! But the fire Gil sparked in me rose still, being an artist type this eventually led me to DeviantArt and posting a bit of my art and finding others fanart of my beloved Gil. I went onto a Dragon Knights forum and a Dragon Knights guild on Gaia Online. I was too shy and new to the series to speak up much but I remembered some of the recurring usernames from site to site. Time passed, I graduated, I moved to DC, started art school, wound up broke, lonely, depressed and severely in debt, I moved back to KY, I started community college, I used my tuition grant money to finally get internet at my home. I eventually caved and followed a few of my friends in joining Tumblr. I went there cause my friends had (for the time) abandoned to their Facebook's to congregrate on this new site and because my newest obsession, Magi, had lots of dedicated blogs and information located there. So I joined and then realized one of the recent Dragon Knights 'sites’ I had been following was actually a Tumblr blog! So I quickly followed it as my steadfast Gil obsession had never really lulled. Some more time passed and I graduated college and moved a few hours away to start my first real job. It was then that things went horrifically, wonderfully, horribly, wrong and so, so right! I started having anxiety attacks and a fellow member of the Dragon Knights (and Gil) fandom whose name I remembered over all those years had started messaging me right about the same time. This person's elder sibling had gone through similar things and so they were the first to reach out a helping hand and understanding heart full of advice and comraderie. And they continued to reach out. We became friends. I became friends with a few other Dragon Knights peeps as well. And then I fell in love with this helpful fellow fan. And then things went to hell. I started to become increasingly depressed, having more and more anxiety attacks. I began to self harm for the first time. I constantly planned out my own suicide. Through all of this, my new internet friend was there. Sometimes my episodes were because of him. I was new to the feelings of love and jealousy and obsession (with real people at least) and the hurt that comes with living alone, with not knowing where you fit in the world, with not knowing how you fit in this other person's life and what to do with all these new overwhelming feelings while also trying to find a new job and pay the bills and prove I could do this thing on my own. My emotions were a swirling rollercoaster ride from Hell but somehow, some way, he rode through them with me. He rode through them with cute little drawings of Gil, and fun games to distract me from my pain, comforting words, and plans to meet at a large anime con. We met. I was still in love but he was not. It hurt to be turned down but his presence was something I still loved having in my life. It was something that, through all the emotions and hurt and blood and suicide attempts, was still somehow there. He rode the rollercoaster hell ride with me and was still with me at the ending gates. I wound up moving back home, getting counseling, getting meds, and slowly working on getting back on my feet. I went through a few more jobs shakily. But I learned how to reach out when I needed too. Learned that boundaries were not a thing to be feared. That I was not alone. That there were people who cared about me. That I was not a monster. I went through a lot those few years. My sexuality changed again and again and even my gender changed in the end. (I still credit the friend I made via love of the Dragon Knights series on helping me through all that as well.) And now, here I am. 28 years old. Now identifying as transmale, pan-romantic and somewhere between asexual and demi-sexual ( as far as I know of at this moment.) I still have the occasional anxiety attack. There's still a scampering from the brain raccoons and all that the mischief they bring every now and again (from paranoia to depression and overthinking and dissociation.) But for the most part I've come to realize that I've grown a lot. I've changed a lot. I actually like most of how I am now. I'm happier. I'm more accepting of myself. I'm still hopelessly in love. And… I'm alive. You see, during that year I was on my own I tried to kill myself no less than 3 times and scarred my arms many, many times more than that. But I'm alive still. And through it all the person I thank most of all for that, the person who taught me how to breath, the person who unknowingly stole my heart, the person who showered me with art of our beloved Gil, the person who literally SAVED ME from myself - I met because I stole a couple books from a library over 10 years ago. A lifetime obsession, inspiration for art and stories and character building, a breath of life into discovering myself and who I am, a love that's still as deep now as it began, a friendship I thank the gods for every day, a true lifesaver in ever sense of the word, and even the namesake for my gender transition journey - ALL OF THIS AND MORE because I stole a couple of books from a library when I was a wee nerd.

[lokisasylum]

End of Year (2018) Tag

(I did this last night, but forgot to post it LOL)

1.       Song of the year? There were too many good ones... but as of now Jimin's "Promise".

   2.       Album of the year?

BTS' Love Yourself: ANSWER

Breaking Benjamin's EMBER

   3.       Favorite musical artist / group you started listening to this year?

Peter Gundry (really good composer, he did one of the themes for GoT)

Halsey

Digital Daggers

Alex Lustig (thanks for the recommendation JK! X3)

   4.       Movie of the year? I didn't really watch any movies this year.

   5.       TV show of the year? RUN BTS & Bon Voyage S3 LOL

   6.       Episode of tv or webisode that defined the year for you? That one episode of RUN BTS ep 55 where they sang karaoke. And that episode of Bon Voyage S3 (in Malta) when Tae cried and was comforted by Jimin.

   7.       Favorite actor of the year? Do BTS count?

   8.       Game of the year? Zelda: Breath of the Wild remains supreme.

   9.       Best month for you this year? This December because it was REALLY, really cold for Christmas unlike other years.

   10.   Something that made you cry this year? Some news we received from the doctor.

   11.   Something you want to do again next year? Hang out with my best friend/soulmate more before she goes off to get married and have dinner at this new pizza place 🍕 I went to. Also take more polaroids (make more memories 📸 )

   12.   Talk about a new friend/s you made this year @utopiajeon & @guincoleridge . Two really good Army friends. They're both really sweet, honest and we have a lot in common despite our slight difference in age.

   13.   How was your birthday this year? 🎂 It was fine, my grandmother, aunt & cousin brought me a cake, sang happy birthday to me (my cousin sang to me in Korean, she’s an old school SHAWOL,), then I went out to dinner with my folks. So it was a nice day.

   14.   Favorite book you read this year? "El Finalito" the final part of The Little Prince. it was sad AF. 😒

   15.   What’s a bad habit you picked up this year? Drinking strong coffee at night and staying up till 6 AM. ☕

   16.   Post a picture from the beginning of the year

(When I got my newest piercings)

   17.   Post a picture from the end of the year

   18.   A memorable meal this year? The Christmas Dinner I cooked.

   19.   What’re you excited about for next year? To get a job and not be broke lol

   20.   What’s something you learned this year? That fanwars SUCK and I'm getting too old for this shit. LOL

   21.   What’s something new about your place of residence (room, home, or general location) now vs the start of the year? My Nightmare Before Christmas collection grew... in TWO DAYS.

   22.   Favorite place you visited this year? Not really a "favorite" per se... but there was this cool place near my brother's place that makes great food and the atmosphere's pretty nice.

   23.   If you could send a message to yourself back on the first day of the year, what would it be?

"Dear, Loki... you're a bad bitch Okay?  Do you and don't ever change. Friends will come and go, old ones will eventually leave us. So just keep doing you, but do it (more) BOLDLY. You want those extra piercings? You get those fucking  extra piercings, you want a tattoo, get that tattoo.  Life is painfully short and 2018 has shown us that in the harshest way possible. So just live your life the way you want and fuck the haters and all the opinionated shits who try and tell you how you should live your life."

   24.   Did you keep any New Year’s Resolutions?

   25.   Did you create any characters (in games, art, or writing) this year? Describe one I've been writing and drawing mostly fanart, so can't say that I have.