#brittany the gardevoir

[confusedbyinterface]

Cely: "...because, I've kinda got, like, two mothers, right?"

Domino: "That's right, sweetie, you do!"

Domino: *I'm so glad my little girl is finally accepting Brittany as part of the family!*

Cely: *-will not. Our souls are immortal; our spirits malleable, moldable-*

Brittany: *I am using all of my psychic power to protect you from how hard my eyes should be rolling right now.*

Brittany: "Gar, Gar! (^▽^)"

[txttletale]

for my own dignity i will not be revealing how many chapters of when i win the world ends it took me to realize that brittany was a gardevoir and not a human woman

[opinated-user]

this is random but i want to thank you for actually calling out the bad stuff lily’s done and talking about how her predatory actions show in her works (eg. all the incest stuff), without implying that everyone who creates works with such topics are predators

it feels rare to see that kind of nuance and compassion and as a survivor i appreciate it a lot

i have said before and will continued to do so: if all LO ever did for the internet was want to romance gardevoirs and write Stockholm, i wouldn't care about her at all. my tiping point was hearing about Brittany and Patch's experiences because that told me we're talking about an abusive and predatory person. a person who is willing to lie and use people like that so much, for so long, is not someone that should ever be trusted. then i looked more into her and it got worse. so much worse. then i made this blog and, somehow, someway, LO found the way to make it even worse than that. then Courtney came out, making way too much sense with how LO is, and now we're here. none of that is just fiction. i don't care about her fetishes or fantasies that she typed on a keyboard. i care about how she has treated people and how she could potentially harm others. i care about she pretending she doesn't have a incest fetish while pretending to normalize clearly incestuous undertones in her work. in her case, her fiction does reveal an uncomfortable amount who she is and what she actually thinks (the whole using Courtney buying a lock for her door after G confessed to mind raping CLO in her sleep in pokemadhouse, for example), so i understand wanting to bring it up, but that still is less important than just talking about who she is as a person.

[fipindustries]

the funny thing about domino and his gardevoir assistant is that at first it starts as this creepy joke, right? "har har, the guy is fucking his gardevoir" but then as the story goes on its shown how the gardevoir is performing a genuine service to the guy's health, much like a trained pet who fetches the medicine to their owner or who helps with epileptic attacks or what have you, and that the relationship between domino and brittany feels kind of genuine, brittany seems to actually care for domino and we never see domino be actually innapropiate with brittany so in the end it circles back to being kind of wholesome

[theothin]

Because Aracely had practice. Years of visitations to Dad's condo, where Brittany poked around her mind. Years shutting her out entirely, or modulating what exactly she— "Gardevoir is an empathic psychic type," Sabrina said. "It reads emotions, not rational thoughts. It is different from me." "Huh?" said the younger agent. He was about to say more, but his partner stopped him. "It seems you can control yourself in a vacuum, at least," Sabrina said. "Tell me about RISE."

I love how terrifying sabrina is in this scene. truly captures how I remember seeing her in the show as a kid

When I Win the World Ends: Chapter 19

This time is like no other for us in living memory. Long may it last. Through sacrifice, children can play in a world without a care. Now that we know all is safe, learn from the past and through knowledge we can share all of the good, all of the time. Peace in time, we've never had it so good!

AO3

RoyalRoad

Fanfiction.net

Spacebattles

Sufficient Velocity

[skyhawkstragedy]

BB24 Houseguests and their Pokemon Unite main

haven't done one of these in a while but Pokemon Unite is still doing anniversary celebrations so here are my lukewarm takes as always

Alyssa: Gengar - a Pokemon that will hex you and as you try to escape will harass you. OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

Ameerah: Zeraora - I swear to God people who play Zeraora think they're hot shit and then complain when they don't get what they want. Literally the vibes I got Week 3.

Brittany: Alolan Ninetales - Honestly nice to use and can come in with a strong play in a pinch. Never doubt their power.

Daniel: Mr. Mime - Great, all you've done is built walls around yourself. We can still get you long range.

Indy: Venusaur - Petal Dance is cute but WHY ARE YOU EVERYWHERE??? Why are you in every team now? Did everyone just collectively run out of ideas?

Jasmine: Greedent - Annoying as all fuck. Doesn't want to share food. Yep that checks out.

Joseph: Buzzwole - I don't even think I need to explain this one. 💪

Kyle: Duraludon - Was okay for a good two weeks and then all of a sudden I see why it's so problematic. Flush.

Michael: Blastoise - Big "defender that plays like a carry" energy. If you want this goal you're gonna have to pry it from my COLD DEAD HANDS 💀

Monte: Garchomp - Was great, then was really bad, but now it's improved a lot. Takes a while to get going but you can be sure they make the most of their presence in the game.

Nicole: Hoopa - Remember there was one week where her presence managed to get everyone to congregate into the HOH room? Because I remember. And it was nauseating.

Paloma: Wigglytuff - Was in every single team and everywhere at once and then all of a sudden just fell off the face of the earth.

Pooch: Azumarill - Was entertaining for one day and then we got bored. Clap if you care.

Taylor: Gardevoir - Look I just saw someone take on four people by themselves with Gardevoir and managed to kill them all in one fell swoop. Will just stand there, shoot a few moves and then watch the chaos ensue. With the Lays.

Terrance: Trevenant - I don't love it or hate it. It's just there.

Turner: Greninja - Sneaky and crafty with the primary goal to steal objectives. Kinda like with Jasmine's muffin.

[junker-town]

A Pokemon Sword/Shield draft, because we are a sports website

Photo by David McNew/Getty Images

Gotta draft ‘em all!

Pokemon. Domesticated animals trained to fight for the amusement of humans in an alt-history hellscape where children are forced from their houses in their preteens to capture and battle others under the guise of growth into adulthood. It’s perfect and we love it!

Friday marks the release of Pokemon Sword/Shield, the latest game in the series. Being the avid sportspeople we are, and thriving on competition at the expense of others we decided to draft a six Pokemon team made entirely of Pokemon which are returning to the series. We were not allowed to draft the only returning legendary Pokemon (Mew), and were given the freedom to draft to our heart. Here is what we did.

Brittany Cheng

Lucario, 10. Hydregion, 11. Gardevoir, 20. Bewear, 21. Gengar, 30. Lapras

The moment I signed up for this, I was stressed — especially because I’ve been AWOL from the Pokemon world after Gen 4. Thankfully a mix of Silph Road message boards, Quora replies, and the kindness of a top Pokemon expert from our sister gaming website, Polygon, helped me select the best team.

I got lucky, too. If Zion Williamson is on the board, why wouldn’t I take him first?

I don’t need to defend my other picks; I know I already won the draft since my No. 1 pick made my boss react “OH FUCK YOU.”

Graham: Honestly I’m not sure that spending your first pick in the draft deliberately spiting your boss is a good career choice.

James: I’d burn you, but I’ve never seen someone so stressed out about the basic concept of drafting Pokemon. Sorry to break the fourth wall for our readers, but you were definitely wracked with anxiety every time your pick came back up. I don’t want you to endure that pain so I love your draft. Good picks. Zero problems.

Christian: Would eat: Lapras. Wouldn’t eat: everyone else.

Matt: Gardevoir is definitely on Tik Tok so I’m upset to miss it for my team of social media All-Stars. Also shouts to Britt for drafting Graham’s favorite Pokemon No. 1 and sending this draft in chaos mode from the get-go.

Graham MacAree

2. Aegislash, 9. Toxapex, 12. Charizard, 19. Ferrothorn, 22. Togekiss, 29. Weaville

Aegislash gives a strong counter to Lucario at 1.1 and can sweep with Swords Dance while using King’s Shield to disrupt any physical attackers taken later. The rest of the Pokemon were taken with roles plus type composition in mind, with something of an eye towards specific checks:

Toxapex can deal with James’ Tyranitar, Scald physical attackers and sit as a very difficult defensive barrier.

Charizard gives some versatility with its different mega-evolution forms and wide moveset, but will mostly be used as a drought-powered special wallbreaker.

Ferrothorn is another answer to Tyranitar plus can set Stealth Rock and stall with Leech Seed/protect.

Togekiss running Defog is not an ideal hazard clearer but the available Pokemon who can use Defog or Rapid Spin is astonishingly low. Can also help with team status and go for flinch locks.

Weaville is here as a fast revenge killer, if necessary, and gives some type coverage we were missing with Pursuit.

Aegislash can do most of the hard work and, given the Pokemon available, I think the rest of the team balances and supports it well enough. I’m a little worried about that Gengar on Britt’s team, though, and there’s also no clean way to bring in Pokemon through pivot moves. Prediction and smart play, as always will be key.

James: Nerd.

Britt: Nerd.

Christian: Would eat: Charizard, Togekiss. Wouldn’t eat: everyone else.

Matt: Charizard is the only real Pokemon on this list in my opinion. Also, nerd.

James Dator

3. Tyranitar, 8. Wishiwashi, 13. Mimikyu, 18. Drampa, 23. Sawk, 28. Vikavolt

I’m not going to sit here and tell you my team is perfect. I’m not going to tell you they’re a top-tier team of killers and world-ruiners, but I will say that they make me happy. In the end that’s all that matters.

Tyranitar is my beefy thick boy to hold down the fort, while also offering that excellent rock/dark type to get me through some early fights. Mimikyu is my sad pokemon, which is personally important to me, considering my natural proclivity for Psyduck.

Wishiwashi is the pick I know people will criticize, but he’s my Rudy, my Hail Mary. I really like the Pokemon who go from zero-to-hero like watching an episode of Queer Eye, but with Wishiwashi it’ll hit school form and become a murderer in one battle — not like waiting on a sad-ass Magikarp to get its act together.

Britt: I offered to trade you Bewear for Wishiwashi, so you deserve all the burns you get.

Christian: I bet I could eat all these Pokemen. Maybe not Vikavolt.

Matt: Tyranitar is def a bully who gets likes on IG because people are afraid of it, so I’m upset to not have it on my socia media team. Also Wishiwashi is a hilarious name. Proud of it.

Christian D’Andrea

4. Mamoswine, 7. Mudsdale, 14. Unfezant, 17. Pelipper, 24. Vanilluxe , 27. Wobbuffet

I have never played Pokemon, but we needed a fifth for the draft. My picks were solely based on how much I’d like to eat each of these characters. With a bottom-two pick, I invested solely in winning the “most delicious” crown.

Mamoswine: Half pig, half mammoth. You remember the opening credits for the Flintstones? This is where those car-destroying ribs came from.

Mudsdale: I could only find one cow-looking Pokemon (Tauros), and he wasn’t eligible for selection. I’m gonna have to settle for horse steaks instead. And since this thing is half Clydesdale, I’m gonna have a ton of them.

Unfezant: The most spatchcockable Pokemon on the board. Can’t believe he lasted to the third round. Plus you can save all that unfezant fat and fry potatoes in them afterward.

Pelipper: I kinda choked on this one. I thought this was a giant, fat, belligerent chicken, like Foghorn Leghorn (delicious). Instead it’s a pelican. I bet I could still eat it!

Vanilluxe: It’s literally ice cream. Most obvious pick of the day.

Wobbuffet: BUFFET IS RIGHT THERE IN THE NAME

What’re you guys gonna do when your Pokemen fall in battle? Bury them solemnly? Pretend like nothing happened?

I’m gonna eat like a goddamn king.

Britt: I told you to draft Oddish for a balanced diet. Better check your arteries and cholesterol.

Christian: The idea of eating a radish is by far the most unrealistic thing to happen in this draft.

Matt: Why are we eating Pokemon again? I’m concerned and I think I have to call the police? Actually, you can eat Wobbuffet.

Matt Ellentuck

5. Milotic, 6. Gyrados, 15. Machamp, 16. Ninetails, 25. Snorlax, 26, Ludicolo

I had very important criteria for my picks. I selected the six who I felt would make the strongest social media team, and I’ll explain why.

My first two picks were Milotic and Gyrados because they are both hot sea monsters. That means they’ll get a lot of likes on IG. Then I picked Machamp because it’d make a dope fitness account, and Ninetails because it definitely wears designer clothes for the ‘Gram. Snorlax is, without a doubt, a depressed meme poster. And Ludicolo def gets WILD on main. He’ll get a lot of “SIR” reply tweets, but hey, engagement is engagement.

That’s a damn squad right there.

Graham: While drafting entirely for Pokemon hotness is a fun goof it also raises some concerns about ... well, a lot of things.

James: While drafting entirely for Pokemon hotness is a fun goof it also raises my opinion and value of you as both a coworker and a person. Live your truth.

Graham: Yeah, James is right. No* judgement.

Christian: I don’t want to eat any of these sexy Pokemen.

Britt: Matt, you’re on cancellation watch.

[confusedbyinterface]

I've been thinking about Brittany from When I Win The World Ends. The story's always looking at credit and attribution, reflected glory, acting by proxy, mentoring, leadership, training. What does Brittany say about these things?

When Domingo has a heart attack, the doctor says Jinjiao's Lopunny saved his life by giving CPR, and Cely thanks Jinjiao for calling the ambulance, but I don't think anyone gives Brittany any credit. The doctor couldn't even remember her name. Brittany's the one with medical training, she knew what was happening and what to do, but she needed Lopunny to act as her arms (her own arms are too weak) so she gets overlooked.

In a lot of ways, Brittany is like a pokemon trainer but nobody recognises it. What does she do with other pokemon, like the Lopunny and Cely's team? In a medical crisis, she gives them commands so they know what to do. Just like a trainer gives pokemon commands in battle. What does she do with Domingo? She picks out food for him, to make him healthy, like a trainer caring for their pokemon.

But people don't see her as a leader, or a medical professional. They see her as a dumb animal (like Jinjiao, thinking her warning about Domingo's heart attack was begging for treats) or a sex object (Fiorella's barbs about her, and also, well. Come on. We were all thinking it. "Brittany, his post-divorce companion" has some pretty strong implications). She doesn't get recognition for what she does, which is a little sad.

Also of course cataracts would be a common health problem for Gardevoirs, with those huge anime eyes they have.

[confusedbyinterface]

"If Brittany had a MEDICAL SERVICE POKEMON vest Jinjiao would have seen it and realised Domingo was in trouble" vs "No he wouldn't."

[fipindustries]

Omfg not revealing until chapter 3 that brittany was a gardevoir all along

[opinated-user]

“Bond” Arc anon- I did not realize that, my apologies. I will say it is pretty funny how no matter how much she deletes and retcons things, Lily just can’t let go of Violate, and how she has to bend backwards in order to justify how she her shitty Mary Sue rapist gardevoir is totally a heroic, likeable person that we should love unconditionally. Freud would have a field day with Lily.

it is truly fascinating.

here we have a child molester that very much still romanticizes what they did, but more than anything dreams of scenarios where the molestation was fully justified, noble even, because above everything else LO is desperate to be seen in a positive light. i'm starting to think that her diatribes against villains and people who like them make all the more sense like that. it's her absolute refusal to understand any nuance at all. it has to be white and black and she has to be all good, but also free to do all the bad she wants, but don't call it bad. she is a villain, one who wants so bad to be a hero, but has none of the qualities that a hero has.

she can't even be bothered to dennounce a real predator on her community that surely will come back again, because she doesn't see any immediate gain, at least none that is more important that keep calling everyone Brittany.

[shadow-turtle-234]

Also, hope Gallade-Brittany doesn't mind, hi! Animation Associate here, LO, hello!

You are seriously damaging your wife's art skills, and I can tell, even without following your wife's posts. Her artwork deteriorates every single time I see it!

The proportions of EVERY piece MO draws is OFF by a large margin! Hell, look at the two images you posted in your initial response to your anon (we know it is your anon, Lily. TURN THEM OFF ENTIRELY OR STOP SENDING YOURSELF ASKS. PICK ONE.) - the body proportions mimic that of someone who is learning how to draw fucking anime styled characters. Even the most recent one!

Her use of linework varies without common thought, as displayed here (one element of the recent artwork looks like it is traced from Crowne Prince's HGS thumbnail but that could very likely be the thick lineart in comparison to every other piece of the piece), and the green witch character (I don't know her name) is out of proportion entirely, in comparison to the Henchwoman character right behind her. Your SI Gardevoir (lets be honest, that is EXACTLY what G is) and your Comic counterpart are so outta proportion that it makes my eyes bleed. G's head is way too damn big for her body (not too sure how tall they are in Pokemon's canon in comparison to humans), and C!LO is drawn off model every time cuz big boobs, tiny waist is the rule you established (we all seen the stream where you demanded MO to draw your rantsona with a skinny waist and giant breasts. Don't pretend it doesn't exist) must be followed. Hell, her commission work is also shit!

The character is outta proportion in an uncanny way, which makes the likes of BUTCH HARTMAN FUCKING BLUSH. And that guy actively scams people over $200 for a terrible art piece.

Also, let's talk about the shading and lighting here, shall we? That barely exists in your wife's pieces. You have the base colors and then a dark hue of said colors. There is barely any sensible lighting, when there is, it is such shit and doesn't mesh well.

For context, here are some pieces of my own work before and after rendering:

Apologizes for FrostBlazer, this is the only piece that has a flat color and finished example in my files. My other WIPs are in .MDP and I can't really pull them up like .PNGs or .JPEGs.

Simple shading and simple lighting with a less than stellar background.

I know your wife can produce high quality artwork! We have seen it in the past. But your rule of half-assing and "Only listen to me, Mikay - Me, the one who doesn't know jack shit about art" is actively damaging her skills and I can only see it faulter further and further the more you request this sort of laziness from her!

aww, i'm not the Brittany Gallade Stalker anymore? guys, i lost one of my titles. i don't know who i'm anymore! as long i'm still one Brittany then i guess i'll be fine... but also... i hope i don't have to tell people to not go bringing up my posts to LO. not because i mind she responding, i know she'll anyway if she feels like posturing about something, but because i have said many times before to not interact with her, period, just to see a reaction out of her. i encourage people to not interact with her at all. the whole point of this blog is to spread awareness about her and deplatforming her. i can't do that if people just keep validating her platform by going to interact with her. plus, we all know she'll only use it as more fuel for her own victim narrative so, really, why would you want that? i know it's possible that LO send herself that message, but just in case i want that said: don't interact with LO. don't watch her videos directly, don't try to get a response out of her. moving on... who is going to tell LO that this the very first time she openly talked positively about the art of her wife? (it's rethoric, don't actually do that). by that i mean, she just uses the art of MO, whines in stream about how MO isn't drawing pokemadhouse fast enough, whines about how she has a life that impides her being exploited even more and talks about how many more fanart she'll keep ezqueezing out of her.

oh, and i'm meant to assume that the quality of her art has nothing to do with why you aren't showing your avatar anymore in any of your videos?

those two pieces of art are actually an example of the kind of problem that people do notice with MO. when she's doing things fast enough for you not to whine about it and churning out as many fanart as you want, it looks rushed. it looks unfinished and halfassed because you constantly tell her to make art that way. that can't be healthy for any creative person, just about in general. the fact that she's not even being paid for it speaks badly of you as a partner and a boss. that's not me saying it, it's a fact. one piece of art here and there is just a perk of having an artist as a partner, but you very much has abused that by having MO making entire animatic, multiple visuals for videos, an entire webcomic that you want fully coloured, animatic for that webcomic and all without any paid at all. but when MO can have all the time of the world and there's no wife telling her to forgot anatomy, it looks just so much better. for one, the color choices for the character designs are miles better than whatever is that you're asking her to do for your OCs. there's more flare, life and drama in that one picture of the green character that has ever been in all of pokemadhouse. i don't know why you won't just let her dress saige with something nice for once.

i literally said that MO on her own is a decent enough artist. funny enough, that's the one point that all critical blogs agree on. it's really quite transparent the kind of gasligting you're doing when people can clearly see me saying as much in that message, but still choose to present it otherwise and just ignoring entirely the rest of the point. your constant request for art from her and telling her to halfass it to make it as quickly as possible are my issue. a seasoned artist can do with a quick workflow because they know what they're doing, but MO is not there yet. so all you're really doing by using her like a slot machine for more art and fanart with your weird ideas of "right proportions" is keeping her away from actually learning. for the record too: i call you LO because Lizzy and Courtney, with Lizzy's blessing, wear the last name Orchard better than you. we went over this already.

[junker-town]

A Pokemon Sword/Shield draft, because we are a sports website

Photo by David McNew/Getty Images

Gotta draft ‘em all!

Pokemon. Domesticated animals trained to fight for the amusement of humans in an alt-history hellscape where children are forced from their houses in their preteens to capture and battle others under the guise of growth into adulthood. It’s perfect and we love it!

This week we will experience Pokemon Sword/Shield, the latest in the series. Being the avid sportspeople we are, and thriving on competition at the expense of others we decided to draft a six Pokemon team made entirely of Pokemon which are returning to the series. We were not allowed to draft the only returning legendary Pokemon (Mew), and were given the freedom to draft to our heart. Here is what we did.

Brittany Cheng

Lucario, 10. Hydregion, 11. Gardevoir, 20. Bewear, 21. Gengar, 30. Lapras

The moment I signed up for this, I was stressed — especially because I’ve been AWOL from the Pokemon world after Gen 4. Thankfully a mix of Silph Road message boards, Quora replies, and the kindness of a top Pokemon expert from our sister gaming website, Polygon, helped me select the best team.

I got lucky, too. If Zion Williamson is on the board, why wouldn’t I take him first?

I don’t need to defend my other picks; I know I already won the draft since my No. 1 pick made my boss react “OH FUCK YOU.”

Graham: Honestly I’m not sure that spending your first pick in the draft deliberately spiting your boss is a good career choice.

James: I’d burn you, but I’ve never seen someone so stressed out about the basic concept of drafting Pokemon. Sorry to break the fourth wall for our readers, but you were definitely wracked with anxiety every time your pick came back up. I don’t want you to endure that pain so I love your draft. Good picks. Zero problems.

Christian: Would eat: Lapras. Wouldn’t eat: everyone else.

Matt: Gardevoir is definitely on Tik Tok so I’m upset to miss it for my team of social media All-Stars. Also shouts to Britt for drafting Graham’s favorite Pokemon No. 1 and sending this draft in chaos mode from the get-go.

Graham MacAree

2. Aegislash, 9. Toxapex, 12. Charizard, 19. Ferrothorn, 22. Togekiss, 29. Weaville

Aegislash gives a strong counter to Lucario at 1.1 and can sweep with Swords Dance while using King’s Shield to disrupt any physical attackers taken later. The rest of the Pokemon were taken with roles plus type composition in mind, with something of an eye towards specific checks:

Toxapex can deal with James’ Tyranitar, Scald physical attackers and sit as a very difficult defensive barrier.

Charizard gives some versatility with its different mega-evolution forms and wide moveset, but will mostly be used as a drought-powered special wallbreaker.

Ferrothorn is another answer to Tyranitar plus can set Stealth Rock and stall with Leech Seed/protect.

Togekiss running Defog is not an ideal hazard clearer but the available Pokemon who can use Defog or Rapid Spin is astonishingly low. Can also help with team status and go for flinch locks.

Weaville is here as a fast revenge killer, if necessary, and gives some type coverage we were missing with Pursuit.

Aegislash can do most of the hard work and, given the Pokemon available, I think the rest of the team balances and supports it well enough. I’m a little worried about that Gengar on Britt’s team, though, and there’s also no clean way to bring in Pokemon through pivot moves. Prediction and smart play, as always will be key.

James: Nerd.

Britt: Nerd.

Christian: Would eat: Charizard, Togekiss. Wouldn’t eat: everyone else.

Matt: Charizard is the only real Pokemon on this list in my opinion. Also, nerd.

James Dator

3. Tyranitar, 8. Wishiwashi, 13. Mimikyu, 18. Drampa, 23. Sawk, 28. Vikavolt

I’m not going to sit here and tell you my team is perfect. I’m not going to tell you they’re a top-tier team of killers and world-ruiners, but I will say that they make me happy. In the end that’s all that matters.

Tyranitar is my beefy thick boy to hold down the fort, while also offering that excellent rock/dark type to get me through some early fights. Mimikyu is my sad pokemon, which is personally important to me, considering my natural proclivity for Psyduck.

Wishiwashi is the pick I know people will criticize, but he’s my Rudy, my Hail Mary. I really like the Pokemon who go from zero-to-hero like watching an episode of Queer Eye, but with Wishiwashi it’ll hit school form and become a murderer in one battle — not like waiting on a sad-ass Magikarp to get its act together.

Britt: I offered to trade you Bewear for Wishiwashi, so you deserve all the burns you get.

Christian: I bet I could eat all these Pokemen. Maybe not Vikavolt.

Matt: Tyranitar is def a bully who gets likes on IG because people are afraid of it, so I’m upset to not have it on my socia media team. Also Wishiwashi is a hilarious name. Proud of it.

Christian D’Andrea

4. Mamoswine, 7. Mudsdale, 14. Unfezant, 17. Pelipper, 24. Vanilluxe , 27. Wobbuffet

I have never played Pokemon, but we needed a fifth for the draft. My picks were solely based on how much I’d like to eat each of these characters. With a bottom-two pick, I invested solely in winning the “most delicious” crown.

Mamoswine: Half pig, half mammoth. You remember the opening credits for the Flintstones? This is where those car-destroying ribs came from.

Mudsdale: I could only find one cow-looking Pokemon (Tauros), and he wasn’t eligible for selection. I’m gonna have to settle for horse steaks instead. And since this thing is half Clydesdale, I’m gonna have a ton of them.

Unfezant: The most spatchcockable Pokemon on the board. Can’t believe he lasted to the third round. Plus you can save all that unfezant fat and fry potatoes in them afterward.

Pelipper: I kinda choked on this one. I thought this was a giant, fat, belligerent chicken, like Foghorn Leghorn (delicious). Instead it’s a pelican. I bet I could still eat it!

Vanilluxe: It’s literally ice cream. Most obvious pick of the day.

Wobbuffet: BUFFET IS RIGHT THERE IN THE NAME

What’re you guys gonna do when your Pokemen fall in battle? Bury them solemnly? Pretend like nothing happened?

I’m gonna eat like a goddamn king.

Britt: I told you to draft Oddish for a balanced diet. Better check your arteries and cholesterol.

Christian: The idea of eating a radish is by far the most unrealistic thing to happen in this draft.

Matt: Why are we eating Pokemon again? I’m concerned and I think I have to call the police? Actually, you can eat Wobbuffet.

Matt Ellentuck

5. Milotic, 6. Gyrados, 15. Machamp, 16. Ninetails, 25. Snorlax, 26, Ludicolo

I had very important criteria for my picks. I selected the six who I felt would make the strongest social media team, and I’ll explain why.

My first two picks were Milotic and Gyrados because they are both hot sea monsters. That means they’ll get a lot of likes on IG. Then I picked Machamp because it’d make a dope fitness account, and Ninetails because it definitely wears designer clothes for the ‘Gram. Snorlax is, without a doubt, a depressed meme poster. And Ludicolo def gets WILD on main. He’ll get a lot of “SIR” reply tweets, but hey, engagement is engagement.

That’s a damn squad right there.

Graham: While drafting entirely for Pokemon hotness is a fun goof it also raises some concerns about ... well, a lot of things.

James: While drafting entirely for Pokemon hotness is a fun goof it also raises my opinion and value of you as both a coworker and a person. Live your truth.

Graham: Yeah, James is right. No* judgement.

Christian: I don’t want to eat any of these sexy Pokemen.

Britt: Matt, you’re on cancellation watch.