#brings it fulcircle a woman can be anything but a man can be nothing etcetc

[why-ami-not-asleep]

and five year plan wise i keep thinking abt gender which is frankly the least of my worries but like im not going to transition. im not going to become a man im not going to get surgery or on t or anything bc i am decidedly neutral to my body just generally until someone looks at it. like thats my issue i do wish i were a boy just because shit would be easier for me and people would see me differently but at the same time i dont hate being a girl. i hate being feminine and the expectation of wearing makeup and shaving and looking pretty all the fucking time drives me insane and the literal only way to escape that norm is to be a man. like i don't want a dick. i dont want surgery and i dont want any of the changes associated with hormones. i am neutral abt my chest overall. at the end of the day i am a girl and i always will be i cant escape that. i will always be my mothers daughter and fathers daughter. i will always be someones sister. that shit is not changing ever at all thats something that even thinking about changing would be denial. i am no ones son and no ones brother and i would never claim that because i dont want it. outside of my family i can be anything though thats ny issue. i can be a person my own person when im away. i can be nothing. i can just exist ambiguously because in all honesty i dont look like a girl and i dont have to play that part if i don't want to. what im saying is that it doesnt matter whether im a boy or a girl. the only time im obligated to give an answer is if im going to fuck someone and im not. i do prefer he/him pronouns but not in a man way more in an ambiguous way. i dont like they/them because its too specific. im fine with she/her its just too familiar. i hate being perceived and i hate the idea of having a gender because i genuinely don't think it matters. i wish i were in charge of how i am perceived all the time to a precise and minute extent but that is impossible. im not nonbinary and im not trans and im not cis. gender wise im dont think about it. i am do not refer to me. i am alone and myself and beyond that it's no ones business.