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kithtaehyung · 4 years ago

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Last November (M)

title: last november (m) post date: december 14th, 2020, 8pm est ⤷ revamped/extended: march 27th, 2021, 10pm est pairing: seokjin x reader(f) genre: angst, smut, exes to lovers au summary: you two broke up on good terms. even seeing each other on your friends’ yearly end-of-november trip was never awkward. so why did this trip feel so different? and why does it feel like the end of something that wasn’t even there in the first place? warnings: angst, bad puns and jokes, mutual pining, light dom/sub undertones, oral sex (m/f receiving), nipple play, hair-pulling, choking, rough sex, unprotected sex (pls be responsible!), dirty talk, spanking, creampie, seokjin is a consent king, did i say angst?, did i also say bad puns and jokes? mobile users: alt link if this doesn’t open in tumblr ➛ AO3 word count: 23.7k 24.7k !!

On the last Friday of every November, your group of friends piled into two cars and set off into the mountains.

Ever since you all graduated from high school years ago, everyone branched off into their individual, intricate walks of life. Different towns, different jobs, different social circles.

But before those grand adventures started, each of you promised one thing: a yearly trip to keep the friendship alive.

This time around, you happened to be in the “decidedly more fun” car as Jimin, Taehyung, and your longtime friend Rin jammed the backseat with singing and road trip games. Since Seokjin took driver, you claimed navigator, leaving the front of the vehicle a bit muted compared to the other half. Which was fine - you always loved relaxing on the sidelines while your friends played with chaos and hilarity.

Namjoon kept you company from time to time, too, so you weren’t completely alone in your preferred space.

The only thing that could’ve made the ride awkward was if you and Seokjin were on bad terms.

It wasn’t every day you found yourself sitting beside your ex, after all.

But that simple fact didn’t phase you. The truth was that your breakup was clean and painless - a massive relief to your friends. Back then, it would have torn everyone to pieces picking sides.

The split was so organic that you couldn’t recall an awful reason why it happened. Separation proved as natural as the changing of seasons: you had moved away for university and he powered through his own medical pursuits. Over time, the relationship simmered to a text every few days, resulting in the night in which you decided that it was better to remain friends.

What sucked was the fact that, over the course of time after the breakup, you fell for Seokjin. Annoying, charming, incredible Seokjin.

You didn’t come to terms with it until last November, when you watched his eyes sparkle under an indigo ocean of stars and it just clicked. Agony carved into your heart some nights when you thought about nothing else, but you couldn’t admit your feelings. Not when you two decided that your river had run its course. You couldn’t risk smothering the last embers of your relationship, so radio silence remained your lonely swan song.

Of course you wanted to admit it. You wanted to tell him. Because no matter who came after, they all fell short. Every smile flashed your way, every pair of arms wrapped around your torso, every night spent between the sheets. Nothing compared to what you got from Jin. That man created a hole in your heart that lingered in his wake, a hole through which all of your subsequent relationships plummeted.

The truth was simple: you didn’t want to ruin what you had. Even if what you two would always be was just friends, that endgame was enough for you.

At least, that’s what you told yourself. Every night when you couldn’t sleep, and every morning when you woke up to an empty bed.

Your vision snapped into focus as your phone screen bloomed. The maps app signaled for a turn, so you relayed the direction to Seokjin, who repeated the direction out loud before following through.

Just like always.

The road in front of you melted into a different scene entirely as you recalled why he started that habit. It sprouted from one of your car rides to a diner situated on the other side of your hometown.

During the drive, you did your best as navigator, but your boyfriend was so into the music playing that he missed some turns. One errant right later had you both terribly lost, the surrounding area swallowing the car in darkness. On instinct, you dove into defense mode, trying and failing not to outright panic.

“My maps won’t load,” you stuttered, hitting the screen with your finger, “Shit, shit, shit.”

“Don’t worry, I can just—”

“Don’t tell me not to worry,” you bit out. “Let’s just get out of here.” You hated how pure paranoia pricked at the corners of your eyes. Getting lost was completely irksome and going back home was more appealing to you than moving forward with the date.

“Okay. I won’t,” Seokjin assured you, turning the wheel and rolling the car out from the shadowy street. “How can I help instead?”

“Oh, umm.” With grateful eyes, you stared at your boyfriend and admired his consideration. You’ve never been asked that while upset before. “You could, uh, repeat the directions before following them? That might help.”

His lips curved into a smile, and streetlights flooded the car to bathe his sincerity in a warm glow. “Repeat directions, you got it.”

The memory faded as you blinked and observed the endless mountain range enveloping the road. Snow topped the summits in white caps; coniferous trees swallowed the steep slopes. As if reminiscence clogged your ears, the music in the car seemed louder outside your broken reverie.

Taehyung, as always, took charge of the aux. He usually had an eclectic mix of tunes on rotation but, that time, nothing but upbeat Christmas music was queued. You had to admit: merry music coating the car windows and mountainous scenery claiming your entire vision put you in the best mood.

It was even better when Seokjin sang along. You really did like his singing voice.

“I like my singing voice, too.”

Your eyes snapped toward the driver, expression freezing over as you drank in his delight. Did you really say that out loud? You knew Seokjin enough to know that he was never going to let that go.

“Yeah, well…” You lazily swatted his grin away. “Don’t flatter yourself.”

Seokjin chuckled, his hands comfortably resting on the wheel. “Are you offering to do that for me? It’s minimum wage, but I’d hire you.”

Rolling your eyes felt like the only appropriate response, so you did exactly that, your exasperated gaze looping around to land on your phone. “Relish this moment, Seokjin,” you advised, zooming out in the maps app to make sure you were still heading in the right direction, “Because it won’t happen again. And take the next exit. We’re almost there.”

“Yes, yes, next exit.” You missed the smirk on his face as he scanned the roadside for the telltale sign. “Moment relished,” he quipped, “But I prefer my moments with ketchup and mustard.”

Your groan drowned in his boisterous laughter, but the hand on your face betrayed you since it couldn’t quite cover up the glee that formed right after.

An hour later, everyone had unloaded the vehicles at the campgrounds and pitched the tents. While Hoseok and Jungkook worked on starting the fire pit, Namjoon and Jimin took their time organizing the food and snacks. Rin had disappeared with Taehyung somewhere, but Yoongi said he spotted them taking pictures a ways off.

“They should be helping,” he muttered. “There’s a lot to do before it gets dark out.”

Squatting down to rotate sizzling meat on your portable grill, you waved him off. “They’re shot-swapping since it’s golden hour.”

The silence that followed gave you pause. When you looked up in curiosity, Seokjin and Yoongi regarded you like a foreign language coated your tongue, their struggle to decipher it earning a chuckle of pity.

“They’re both huge influencers, so they know how to take pictures. They always do this when we get together,” you explained, spinning the kebab onto another side, “And golden hour is around sunrise and sunset. It looks like everything is soaked in gold, and it makes your pictures look pretty. But that’s an old term already! You geezers should keep up.”

Yoongi simply raised an eyebrow and kneeled to turn his designated stick. Smoke from the charred meat wafted into your noses as he declined, “I’ll pass. That sounds stressful.”

A rapid clapping of tongs next to your ear preceded Seokjin’s offer, “What are we waiting for? Let’s golden hour swap!”

Why did he have to be so endearing? A cough escaped your throat, disjointed laughs following right after in their awkward escape. Beside you, Yoongi flung condescension Jin’s way, his voice stocked with disappointment as he warned, “Don’t speak. You age yourself.”

You transferred your kebabs to a foiled plate before standing, blood rushing to your lower legs. Seokjin was unleashing a hearty tirade at the other man grilling when you intervened, “That sounds nice, actually. I’m in a photography class so I was planning on taking some photos anyways. Lemme just get my camera.”

As you walked away, you couldn’t escape the abrupt change in atmosphere hovering over the grills, its looming tension caressing the back of your coat in a slight push. The words exchanged were soft in volume, but their possible meanings stayed clanging in your ears.

“Did you tell her yet?”

“No.”

“Do it. She deserves to know.”

You slipped out of your tent with a heavy jacket and lightheadedness. Medicine would’ve helped with the latter, but the med kit Seokjin packed remained strictly for emergencies. Besides, you couldn’t quite slap a bandage on what was truly bothering you anyways.

As you inspected your class-registered Polaroid, you continued to wonder what Yoongi meant earlier.

What was he implying? You deserved to know what? You couldn’t say the feeling swirling around your gut was a positive one. After all, there was a distinct difference in what a person should know, and what a person deserved to know. What was so important that Yoongi practically ordered Seokjin to spill?

Was there another person in his life now? That was one thing that crossed your mind, but you filed that under the “should know” category, even though it twisted your stomach to think about.

The news had to be something urgent.

Was Seokjin getting married?

Without your permission, vessels in your heart shriveled, squeezing life from your already battered soul. A betrothal was entirely possible with his pursuit of a medical degree and coming from a well-to-do family. Maybe he was in an arrangement?

That possibility dropped an anvil on your chest. You couldn’t say that you were completely fine were that the truth. How could you be fine with something like that if you loved him? Of course, you would be happy if he was, but your heart would require recuperation for an extended amount of time. Give or take a few years.

You wandered so far into the depths of your mind that Seokjin’s sudden appearance kicked you back to shore, a yelp leaving your mouth at the same time your Polaroid left your hands. If the camera wasn’t hanging from your neck, you would’ve been in deep shit with your professor as soon as it hit the cold soil.

Its bulky frame definitely bruised your lower chest on the downswing, though. “Ow. Geez, Jinnie, you can’t just sneak up on people like that.”

Your eyes widened in realization. Jinnie? Shit, you hadn’t called him that since you guys were dating. Quite obviously, the stockpile of thoughts and worries involving his secret were blocking your brain from better judgment.

And apparently you weren’t the only one affected by that nickname because Seokjin’s eyebrows shot into his dark locks, his peculiar glance shifting away. Odd.

After an awkward second, he cleared his throat. “Does it hurt?”

Is it supposed to? You knew he was inquiring about your injury but your thoughts drifted to what hadn’t been divulged yet. “No, it’s fine,” you lied. “Let’s pick a spot before we lose the light.”

You don’t remember how long you walked, but the pair of you ended up far from the original campsite.

In your defense, it wasn’t like you planned that outcome. The trees matched at every turn, so you kept wandering until you found a good clearing - or at least some rocks to break the forested monotony.

A foil to your pickiness, Seokjin voiced his thoughts every ten paces, his votes of confidence constantly crushed by your boots. If you had a cent for every time he declared a spot “the one,” you could actually afford the Polaroid dangling from your neck.

It was at a calm clearing with some patches from last snowfall where you decided to settle.

Unhooking the strap from your neck, you ushered, “Let’s do this quick. It’s almost over.”

“I wanna do it first!” You thought Seokjin meant to take the camera from you, but instead he scuttled into the clearing, striking a pose once he reached its center. Of course the fool meant that he wanted his pictures taken and not the other way around. How was any other idea plausible? “Hurry up, you said!”

“The ‘S’ in Seokjin stands for ‘Selfish,’” you yelled, positioning the Polaroid against your eye regardless. His face enlarged in the lens and, to his credit, you couldn’t argue that he was the clear model between you two. The man could pursue a career in fashion instead of medicine and you wouldn’t bat an eye.

He looked handsome merely standing there, cheeks dimpling at nothing in particular and his charm ever effortless. Even the slight bags under his eyes didn’t take away from his natural beauty.

Par for the course with Seokjin. That unbothered self-assurance was one of the traits you liked and hated about him.

At least, initially. The more you got to know him, your outlook on that defining characteristic was one of admiration, not hatred. You simply needed to start shoving some of that confidence down your own throat like a different type of vitamin C.

After a telltale camera snap, the man threw out his coated arms in another pose. “And the ‘Seok’ stands for ‘Seok in my presence!’”

“I think I’ve been in it long enough. My fingers are pruny,” you droned while lowering your Polaroid, ignoring his wiggling in the background. It seemed you were still accustomed to his ridiculousness.

Yet another thing you gave him credit for: he was never afraid to be a dork. When you first met him, you admittedly thought he was faking it. Over time, you recognized his authenticity, and you grew fond of everything wrapped in the gift that was Kim Seokjin.

You waited for the picture to materialize in your hand. When your impatient model approached you and asked why you weren’t shaking the polaroid, you informed him that you should, in fact, not do that. “It’ll damage the final product!”

“So that song is…”

“Wrong. Yes.”

Pure shock flashed across his face. “What other lies have I been told?”

The captured memory started blossoming, and you watched as the color bled into life. “That you aren’t the funniest person on the planet,” you answered, earning a scoff.

“In that case, you’ve just been misinformed.” Seokjin huffed before offering an outstretched palm. “Now hand over the camera, it’s your turn.”

“Me?” You didn’t think he was serious when he said swap. In reality, you just assumed he whipped up an excuse for you to take pictures of him.

And you didn’t mind. It was nice to have that charming smile directed at you, even if only through the lens of a camera. The Polaroid would be your shield, blocking Seokjin from the pain swimming in your eyes, barely afloat in pools of regret and guilt and loneliness.

“Yes, woman! When was the last time you had your picture taken?”

Slowly, embarrassment swelled across your cheeks when you realized it had been a very long time. Legitimately long. You never asked others to take your picture; rather, you were always the one behind the lens. The last time someone actually offered was…

“When you took one,” you stuttered out breathily, “At that park.”

It was during one of the last dates you two went on before you left for university. There was a carnival you were dying to visit, and Seokjin surprised you with tickets and a kiss.

You remember being so elated while traversing through the whimsical booths, failing fantastically at the rigged games, scarfing down sticky, billowy cotton candy. Squeaky horns and childish laughter filled your ears, and you could still feel Jin’s gentle fingers on your hand as he shyly tugged you under glowing stringed lights.

The main attraction was a carousel keeping everything else in orbit, its charisma shining like a golden, spinning sun. When night fell, you too gravitated toward its charm, standing behind its barricade to watch horses and teacups endlessly turn.

It was so captivating that you forgot yourself and where you were - who you were supposed to be spending time with. Swiveling in fear, you scanned the bustling crowd for your boyfriend, realizing that you needn’t worry at all.

Seokjin simply waited behind you, holding up his phone and telling you to pose. You were so caught off-guard in that moment that your face contorted hilariously right as he snapped the photo. In his eyes, it was the greatest picture of all time.

However, it wasn’t that well received by its subject. You begged Seokjin to delete it, and he finally caved on the grounds that you took a replacement. Conceding, you stomped back to the gate guarding the twirling attraction and pranked your boyfriend with a blank expression.

But as soon as Seokjin drawled “You look like you don’t care-ousel,” you burst into laughter - your unabashed mirth becoming his background on every device he owned.

The scene faded from your eyes as the current Seokjin stood in front of you, gripping the Polaroid instead of his phone. Gone were the lights and sounds of the theme park and, with them, your fleeting moment of solace.

“Oh,” was all he stated in return, and you swore the temperature chose to drop in that moment just to mock you.

“You know I don’t prefer it anyways.” Your heart was losing its grip, sorrow evident in your shaky tone. You folded your arms to shield your body from the weather and unwanted emotions. “I’m definitely not as photogenic as you.”

“Nonsense,” Seokjin shot back. “Now hurry up, it’s only golden minute now!”

And just like that, his warmth melted any awkwardness like spring chasing away winter.

In retrospect, he probably regarded that moment at the carnival differently, or he just wanted to keep those memories in the past where they belonged. It hurt to be the only one so strongly affected by them, but Jin had the right idea. If there existed a standard list of activities to do with an ex, talking about the past wasn’t one of the options. Especially if you had feelings for said ex.

Plus, you didn’t forget that there was something he had to tell you. It seemed like you were going to have to wait a little longer for that, and your anxiousness wasn’t pleased.

As you ambled to the center of the clearing, you focused more on the crunching sounds your boots made rather than your feelings. With a quick survey of the area, you surmised that it really was a pretty spot, the mountain range peeking behind the trees adding depth to the setting. Adjusting your outfit, you took a breath of courage before staring at the eye of the Polaroid.

Seokjin moved the camera from his face and called your name, roping your gaze to his concern. “Smile, okay?”

On instinct, your throat constricted. You couldn’t hide behind the lens that time. But smile you did, and you hoped Seokjin thought it genuine, silently pleading him to not notice the anguish lingering behind your crescent eyes.

The fire pit your friends constructed blazed bright as you both made it back to the campgrounds. Everyone occupied the surrounding logs and, judging from the soft pop pumping from a portable speaker, Jungkook must have commandeered music control.

Jimin turned when he heard your footsteps, his expression indiscernible as he shifted his gaze between you and Jin. Thankfully, he didn’t say anything, only turning back to Yoongi to continue their conversation.

Seokjin and you parted ways effortlessly: he slotted into the empty space next to Namjoon and you headed to your tent to stow your camera.

And for some reason, that easy departure was hard to swallow.

Your pitched space offered warmth upon entry, and you dumped yourself onto your sleeping bag without a word. A few quiet moments passed before you unzipped your backpack, the tiny action feeling so tedious, so difficult to achieve.

After you finally stored your equipment and closed your bag shut, you just… sat there. Contemplative.

Mentally, you were in a bad place. Your thoughts and emotions banged into each other, their war rendering you powerless - captive. Fidgeting with the plasticky fabric of your sleeping bag, you thought back to what happened after you two left the photo spot.

It was an uneventful walk back for the most part. The polaroids turned out nice, all thanks to the very rare and very expensive camera you borrowed. Seokjin claimed yours and handed you his, and faced with your sudden curiosity, he sheepishly offered, “You don’t have to keep it.”

You were more questioning of the fact that he stored yours in his jacket, but you didn’t want to broach that subject. It was beginning to scare you. Maybe it was the fact that he was acting strange, coupled with the other fact that he was hiding something from you.

Why were you suddenly afraid to confront him? You two were open with each other during your relationship. Were you also wanting to put this dreaded conversation off as long as possible, too?

If he was with someone else, though, would he still be keeping your picture?

It was too much to think about, so you tried to lock everything in a box and sit on it.

You saw the light of the campfire after a few minutes of walking through the woods - a handful of silent, crawling minutes. It was bugging you that Seokjin didn’t say anything on the way back. A quiet Jin was a Jin knee deep in thought, and not in good circumstance. In a moment of weakness, you almost offered out your hand to grab his, but you instead crammed it inside your coat pocket.

When you both rejoined your friends, it seemed so easy for you guys to separate, like you didn’t just go off and do something so intimate. Even though that wasn’t the word you wanted to use.

You resigned yourself to the big picture nonetheless: it wasn’t like what Taehyung and Rin did. Your best friend was insanely popular on social media with her carefully curated feed and relatable-yet-unachievable style. Taehyung had his own massive following for different reasons, and you couldn’t deny that he knew exactly what he was doing to gain the hearts of many. They were snapping photos for each other to show millions of anonymous beings across the world.

You and Seokjin just took photos for each other to have. No one else was going to see those.

Why did you feel like that was significant?

The edge of your sleeping bag began to fray under duress, so you plucked your body off the ground and slipped back outside. What you expected was the temperature dipping a couple degrees in nightfall. What you didn’t expect was Jimin waiting for you, puffy jacket and all, leaning against a tree.

When he saw you emerge from your tent, he straightened and regarded you with caution. “Everything okay?”

You adjusted the front of your coat before fishing a beanie out to cover your ears. “Yeah, why?”

“You were just in there for awhile,” Jimin explained, his eyes searching yours, “And you were with him for a long time.”

“I don’t like being interrogated, Park,” you sighed.

“I know, I just…” He mirrored you and huffed his own breath toward the ground. A quick glance had you noticing that his own beanie was knit as thick as the fog in your mind. “I just want to make sure.”

Jimin was whom you considered closest next to your best friend and formerly Seokjin. After your break up, Jimin regularly sent you texts to check on you, despite your constant assurance that you were okay. It got to a point where you phoned him and pleaded reprieve - to reach out only if he had something critical to say.

His broken reply? He only texted you because Seokjin wouldn’t.

You ended up crying after that call, and the tears annoyingly persisted a couple nights following.

He was also one of the only two people in the world that knew you loved Jin. Rin was the other, and that’s only because you let it slip during a girls’ night over cheap wine and period piece movies. Something about an early morning confession in a dewy meadow was enough to loosen your alcohol-mottled tongue.

After you ran your fingers over your head, you responded, “Can I ask you something?”

Your friend’s eyes roamed over your face. “Of course.”

“What’s he hiding from me?”

Jimin instantly clammed up at the question. His dancer frame assumed a rigid position, each limb locking, including his jaw. “It’s not my place to say,” he answered gravely, pulling anger from your center.

“Does everyone else know this secret except me?” You really couldn’t take it anymore, especially knowing that something you supposedly deserved to know was possibly public knowledge.

“Just the guys,” Jimin divulged, and you scoffed.

“I can’t believe this.” You made to walk away, in the opposite direction of the campfire. Into the woods again.

Jimin said your name like he just wanted you to understand already, halting you mid-stride. “I’ve been trying to get him to talk to you. Trust me, I have.”

“He’s a grown man, Park. His decisions aren’t your problem,” you whispered.

“But aren’t they yours?”

“Not anymore. We aren’t together right now, if you don’t recall.” You knew you were spitting bullshit, and Jimin did, too. If Seokjin wasn’t giving you problems, you wouldn’t have been hiding in your tent or literally and figuratively walking away from him. Guiltily, you turned back to face Jimin and give him his credit.

He was this way for everyone in your group: the glue that hung on and fought to keep people from breaking apart. Whenever a fight broke out between warring parties, Jimin was the middle man. Always.

Sighing, you relented, “I’m sorry I’m taking this out on you. I’m just so confused, and the longer he hides whatever he’s hiding from me, the more restless I’ll be.”

“Everyone is on your side in this,” Jimin replied. “He just needs to, I don’t know, woman up.”

A breath of laughter escaped you at the tweaked phrase, the tension coating your shoulders slowly sliding off in clumps. “Did you say ‘woman up?’”

“Men aren’t shit,” your friend explained, pointing a gloved finger to punctuate every syllable. “At least women get things done.”

“I would totally drink to that if I had a bottle in my hand, Jimin.”

“Ah, well that can be arranged!” The boy’s eyes crinkled as he spun on a heel. “Let’s go. Jungkook and Taehyung brought out the drinks awhile ago. I missed out on a few bottles already talking to you.”

“Oh, I feel so remorseful,” you cooed, your voice worthy of giving kids cavities. “Almost as if I cared.”

“Ass,” Jimin snapped, but he could only laugh. When you joined his side, he turned and whispered, “But seriously. If he doesn’t talk about it by the end of this trip, I’m giving him hell.”

The temperature dropped again at that moment, and the wind blowing through the pines cut straight into your bones. Your shoulders hunched on instinct and you blinked to get needed moisture. Was it going to snow? The skies above did look intimidating. Was it going to storm?

A sudden trepidation settled into your gut. “Did we check the weather,” you queried, shuffling through your brain to see if you monitored it yourself before the trip.

“Uh-umm, I did,” Jimin answered through chattering teeth, “But I didn’t see anything other than it being cold.”

You pulled out your phone and regretted doing so, your fingers freezing over instantly. You were lucky you all chose a location that was still in signal range - really, thanks went to Rin and Taehyung for incessantly demanding it every year.

Pulling up the weather app after a few tries, you cursed at the oncoming forecast. “Well, there’s more to it. Snow’s coming in,” you relayed to Jimin. “Let’s pack up and find a place to stay.”

The car ride to the nearest lodging felt immensely different than the ride to the campgrounds. Some people focused on defrosting, one person worried about the people in the front, and the two said people in the front weren’t talking at all.

It was you that broke the silence when you steadily gave directions, and Seokjin would repeat them like always. Selfishly, you wanted the car ride to keep going just so you could hear his voice. He wasn’t saying anything otherwise, and there wasn’t music playing for him to absentmindedly sing along to.

The first snowfall was light as your caravan entered the small town nearby, which relieved you. Tiny snowflakes clung onto the windows and you lost yourself in their geometric patterns. Lights from the shops and other stray cars reflected in the slick roads to create a symphony of color, and white patches already settled on trees that lined the main way.

Seokjin spotted the lodge first, and he rolled into a spot towards the entrance, Jungkook’s car slotting into the next space. Your driver rolled down his window and repeatedly pointed his finger down to signal for Yoongi to follow suit. “Let’s go in and make sure they have our rooms first,” he called out, and Jungkook leaned over his console to shout a hearty okay.

You hoisted yourself out of the car and waited for the boys to follow. Seokjin went to stand next to you, but instead of Jungkook popping out of the other car, it was Namjoon that emerged. You could only guess that the youngest slyly started a game to have the loser get out.

Your stomach turned when you realized it was most likely because no one wanted to be left alone with you and Seokjin.

Remorse burned your throat. This trip was supposed to be fun, but it just felt strained. Were you overthinking? Or was your churning gut correct in its assumption?

At the very least, you hoped everyone else was having a better time than you were.

It seemed that the man beside you had the same feeling that a challenge was pitched. “Rock-paper-scissors? Or nose goes?”

Namjoon just laughed at the ground as his face flushed. “Nose goes, and I put my finger on my mouth so, umm, that’s that.”

You chuckled while you three made your way to the door, both of them towering over you on either side. Seokjin opened the entrance for everyone and, when you stepped foot inside, you were hit with a wave of warmth mixed with an undercurrent of gingerbread. The entirety of the main entrance bathed in plaid or embroidered throws, and there was an obvious affinity for Christmas on display with the plethora of garlands, lights, and a towering Christmas tree in the front bay window.

Namjoon and Seokjin quickly got distracted by the toy train running through a snowy village setup. Adorable, but not helpful.

Alone at the front desk, you received confirmation that your group had four bookings, and you thanked the concierge while you gathered the keys.

The rooms weren’t next to each other. One of them sat on another floor, and the rest were separated but shared the same level.

A container of pamphlets caught your attention, so you grabbed one before strolling away. “Guys, let’s claim our rooms. After that, you can watch the train all you want,” you called out, tapping them both on the back with the thin brochure.

They swiveled their heads to your retreating form before following you out the door.

“No. We are not doing that again.”

“Come on, hyung, it’ll be fun!”

“I’m with Yoongi on this one. We could all end up in the same room.”

“But what if you get a room to yourself?”

“Why can’t we ever just pick like normal people? And Hoseok-hyung, you laugh but you have the worst luck out of all of us.”

“Excuse me! That’s only because you all psyche me out!”

“Let’s just pick something. My phone’s almost dead.”

You stood next to Rin while you two watched the boys decide how room assignments were determined. It was a sight to see: them crowding the small hallway, bags littered around their bulky shoes. You both were thankful they were courteous enough to let you two keep a room to yourselves. They even made sure yours wasn’t on the other floor, just so that you girls wouldn’t be alone.

They were going to pick random rooms one-by-one, not knowing which options the others picked until they opened a door. If you and your friend also had to choose, you were risking the possibility of being stuck with Seokjin, which was the last thing you wanted.

On a day where your friendship was actually normal, that wouldn’t have mattered one bit. But right then? The tension surrounding him would have been detrimental.

He had something to say; he wasn’t saying it. You were a sitting, fidgeting duck.

Jungkook whipped his phone out to search the internet for a random coin flip generator. “Here. Heads, we do it. Tails, we don’t.”

Yoongi just snickered in defeat and already started picking up his bag. “I call picking first.”

His intuition proved sharp as the generator pulled up Heads: they were going with the random room assignments. Taehyung kicked his head back with a sigh, and Jimin and Jungkook burst into laughter while the elders collectively groaned.

As Rin giggled at their misfortune, you sent a rueful smile Seokjin’s way out of habit. You were still friends, after all, and he seemed so distraught over the prospect of horrid results. His eyes locked onto yours and, for a brief moment, he offered a shy grin in return.

The fluttering in your chest was quickly shooed away.

It was while everyone relaxed around a public lounge area that Jungkook hurled an accusation, his eyes alight with the flames licking the nearby fireplace. “Hyung cheated.”

Seokjin immediately sat up in his plush chair and retorted, “Take that back! I did nothing of the sort. You all were just too lazy to take the stairs to the next floor.”

Taehyung shot him a side eye and shared his own eloquent opinion. “Seems sus.”

A whole new wave of bickering erupted, and you redirected your attention to the snow storm blustering outside tall windows.

You were thanking every deity above that you guys decided to leave in time. It would’ve been hell in the campsite during this weather, or even while squeezed into the cars.

Though the original plans were derailed, you were pretty happy with the current lodging situation. Who knew a small town would have a humongous lodge? It had to be assumed that this was the main business keeping the town running. Rin was absolutely drinking it in and stated she even wanted to bring her family there, her thoughtfulness curving your mouth upwards.

Another good thing that came out of this trip proved to be the room assignments that Jungkook ended up loathing. They had you clutching your sides when all was said and done.

Four of the boys managed to pick the same room, and Hoseok and Yoongi snagged a room to themselves. These results resulted in one Kim Seokjin speeding up and down the hallway, wholeheartedly shouting with glee. Yoongi almost crumpled to the ground in relief at the end, and Hoseok fell over in laughter when he entered the full room. You could feel the desperation in Namjoon’s muffled voice as he begged Seokjin to let him change rooms. The only reply he received was an ominous “If you behave.”

“Don’t blame us,” Yoongi laughed out, both hands lightly gripping the arms of the rocking chair he chose. “This is what you young people get for trying to be cute.” His relief from only having to bunk with one other person left him chipper, you noticed. To his credit, it was amusing that the youngest four ended up in the same room.

“Okay, gramps,” Jungkook snapped, earning a laugh from Jimin on the seat next to him. “But she definitely gave hyung clues!”

You whipped your head around to shoot a confused look toward your accuser. “Me?”

Multiple eyes darted between you two like pinballs, and you didn’t have time to brace for his next words,

“You know you won’t see him again after this trip, so you—”

“—Kook!”

All oxygen abandoned you as Jimin rushed to shut the younger man’s mouth, practically slapping his face. Eyes popped out of his head as Jungkook paled in realization.

The rest of the boys bore glares into the youngest one’s countenance, but Seokjin turned directly towards you with concern.

What just happened? Your fingers gripped the varnished wood of your chair as you slowly locked eyes with your ex, and your heart dropped like a stone when he shifted his gaze to the floor.

What the fuck was happening? Your brain was going haywire. What did Jungkook mean? You wouldn’t see Seokjin after this trip? The man that you couldn’t wait to see on the last Friday of every November? That was bogus. He was joking. It was a joke, right? One more weekend before Seokjin was gone from your life forever? Impossible. Ludicrous.

Why wasn’t anyone saying anything?

Beside you, Rin clutched one of your tense fists in her soft palms. Addressing the group, her sharp tone demanded an answer when she asked, “What the hell is going on?”

The silence that followed was palpable. Not even the pleasant music drifting through the lodge was enough to damper the tension.

“I think,” Yoongi finally murmured, his words ice, “This is our cue to leave.”

“No need,” your friend snipped, “We’ll go.” She whispered your name before softly tugging you to vacate your seat.

When you pried yourself from the cushion, it took a moment for you to control your legs to actually move. You knew all the guys were watching you, but you were too embarrassed to acknowledge them, too upset to look any of them in the eye.

Rin led you away from the lounge, making sure you were heading toward the nearest staircase before spinning on her heel. “To the unfortunate soul that gets to explain this to me,” she bit, clutching everyone’s attention in her underlying threat, “Text me where to meet you in ten minutes.”

Both you and Rin occupied the carpet, backs against the cookie cutter sofa that existed in each room.

You two pushed the furniture around so that the couch faced the windows instead of the plain TV, and you surprised your friend by dumping yourself onto the ground instead of the cushions. Rin didn’t question you, though. She only followed suit.

The curtains were shoved to the side to reveal the relentless storm, and you watched the swirls and streaks of white until your head fell onto Rin’s shoulder.

“I should’ve been paying attention to you,” she murmured, “I’m sorry.”

You shook your head, the motion feeling awkward in its tilt. “No, no. You’ve been having a fun time, so I’m happy I didn’t ruin that.” Your laugh was dry. “Until now, at least.”

Rin lowered her shoulder so that you rested more comfortably. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I’m going through a breakup again.”

Fuck. You didn’t realize until the words left your lips that it’s how you really felt.

It had been a few years since you guys ended things. Throughout that whole time, you didn’t feel awkward one bit.

Well, that wasn’t entirely true. The “date” that Seokjin brought to the Christmas party last year made you want to tear your hair out. But, that was because she was obviously after his finances and that was the year you realized you loved him.

The conversation you had with Seokjin turned sour, but you really wanted him to see the big picture. You could still recall that night with clarity, the snow falling much lighter than what you currently witnessed outside.

“Seokjin, do you honestly think she likes you?” The red dress you wore was so vibrant that it glinted off the dinnerware spread across the decadent table nearby.

When you pulled your ex aside that night, the only quiet place you could find was the dining room, long abandoned once everyone got their seconds. Up until this point, it was obvious Seokjin wasn’t understanding you. You tried to tell him how you saw it, and he would just brush things aside.

“You sound like you care more than I do,” he accused, his eyes looking everywhere but your face.

Before you responded, you scoffed. “I’m your friend. Of course I’m going to care.”

You remember the strong emotions you suppressed that night. You couldn’t let more things slip than necessary. Yes, you could show him you cared. Yes, you could show him he needed someone else. Just as long as you didn’t give too much of your own feelings for him away. “You deserve someone that at least likes you, for you.”

Seokjin finally stared back at your stormy features, his eyes filled with something unsaid. You sucked in a breath. What else would he say? You liked him for everything he was, but that relationship didn’t pan out. Obviously. You would’ve been going to this Christmas party together if you still dated.

Maybe you shouldn’t have been having that conversation - it was already hard enough for you to say you were his friend. You wanted to be more than that. Again.

“I know she doesn’t like me,” he finally admitted, running a hand through his bangs. The urge to caress his ever soft strands filled you with grief.

You really did like his hair, and it looked even better when coupled with his Nutcracker-esque attire.

“Then why…” You struggled to find a reason why they were even there together. It was a Christmas party with your friends. Why would he bring someone that he didn’t like?

“She’s interested in Namjoon.” Seokjin’s eyes quickly turned into crescents when he witnessed your expression, and his full lips pursed to contain his laughter. “I was trying to get her off me the whole night, but she was trying harder than she needed to to make him jealous. I’m irresistible, you know.”

“Irritable is more like it,” you growled, playfully shoving him aside. “Ass! I was just trying to protect you and you knew this whole time!”

“It’s nice to know you’re looking out for me!” The man beamed as he made his way out of the dining room.

“Yeah, well,” you whispered, tensing slightly when he stopped. “They have to be perfect. It’s what you deserve.” And you really did mean that.

Seokjin’s smile faltered, and you shot him a half-smile before exiting the room yourself.

That was the last time you guys had an argument, if you could even call it that. The rest of the moments you had with him were completely fine. You wondered if Seokjin could see through you during that conversation. He was perceptive, sure, but you may have gotten away with looking like just a good friend.

It was just worrisome since you couldn’t control your emotions that night. You only got to see him in person during these November trips and Christmas parties when you went home, after all. Seeing him again after realizing you loved him ignited something within you, and it took the whole night to put that fire out.

This looming news just felt way too heavy to handle. Was it because you reached where the sidewalk ended? You weren’t going to see his face in person or hear his laugh out loud. There wasn’t going to be off-the-cuff, awful dad jokes thrown your way every end of November.

A nagging idea, far in the depths of your mind, kept tapping your shoulder. But you brushed it off with a scowl.

Even if you acknowledged the concept, there was no way Seokjin felt the same about you. Neither one of you said you loved each other throughout the time you were dating. Were there times you thought you did? Admittedly, yes. Did you ever think about telling him? Another yes. But he never hinted that he felt the same, so it would’ve been awkward for you if it turned out he didn’t. The absence of a confession kept you from revealing yours. So of course even now, you couldn’t tell him. Especially since he was apparently leaving.

Rin didn’t speak for awhile, but you knew she wasn’t the best at comforting people. She was number one at standing up for you and protecting you, but when it came to the softer parts of consoling, she did flounder. Which was endearing and calming in itself.

“How can I help,” she simply offered, and you nuzzled further into her neck. She always smelled so nice, your guardian Rin.

The adrenaline from Jungkook’s bombshell, your swift exit, and the constant stream of thoughts started to wane. Exhaustion slowly took its place like honey sliding into a jar. Softly, your eyelids drooped and you whispered, “This room is a castle, so be my big bad dragon and don’t let anyone in.”

The last sound you heard before falling asleep was a tinkling laugh followed by a small “As you wish, princess.”

When you regained consciousness, you discovered that you were strewn across one of the beds instead of the ground. You couldn’t even estimate how much time passed while you were out, but the storm outside was still thrashing and the only light in the room was the emergency one by the door.

You groggily propped up weary limbs in search of your phone, eventually swiping it from the nightstand. Still half-asleep, you barely registered the pain meds and glass of water sitting on that same table, their dark silhouettes waiting patiently.

Bright pixels mocked your drool-covered chin. Scrunching your face instinctively, you scrolled through your notifications while blinking sleep from your lashes. You received multiple texts, but you didn’t want to open the threads completely, so you opted to check them from the Home screen.

Jiminie [7:20pm]: Fuck, I’m sorry that happened. Please be okay. Love you.

Tae [7:21pm]: free hugs whenever you need. you know the drill.

Rin-Rin [7:36pm]: I know you said not to let anyone in but I literally couldn’t carry you to the bed. Forgive me!

Yoongi [7:37pm]: He’s in his room. I kept telling him to tell you. I know it’s shit to find out this way so if he doesn’t explain things to you, I will.

Hobi [7:39pm]: we’re here for u love!! let me know if u need anything. there’s a small concession stand downstairs so if u need smth i can run it up!!

Jiminie [7:40pm]: Kook is in bad shape. He swore he thought hyung told you already. Don’t worry tho. I’m not letting him off easy.

Rin-Rin [7:43pm]: Hey, love. Just spoke to Seokjin. I think you need to talk to him yourself, but only if you feel up for it.

Joonie [7:45pm]: I gave Rin a bottle of pain meds we had in our room

Joonie [7:45pm]: Go ahead and take some when you wake up

Joonie [7:45pm]: We can count this as an emergency

Jiminie [8:21pm]: Let me know if you’re okay, okay?

Kook [8:33pm]: I’m so sorry

Rin-Rin [8:48pm]: Grabbing us some snacks from downstairs, I’ll brb.

Your battered heart sank even more when you noticed a distinct absence amongst the names. Seokjin didn’t send you a single message.

What had gotten into him? Did he still not want to talk to you despite you knowing his secret? You clicked your phone shut without opening any of the messages and sunk into the pillows. It was 8:49pm, so you had barely missed Rin’s departure. Her exit was probably what woke you.

Unwittingly, you found your device in front of your baggy eyes again, berating yourself for hovering over Seokjin’s thread. The last text he sent stared back at you in a mocking set of pixels.

Kim JokeJin [Thursday, 9:23pm]: Let’s make this one the best one!

With the previous context, this was just a regular message about the yearly trip. With the right context, these words tied your throat in a knot.

You were sure you loved him, but what you were feeling now was even stronger. If you were honest with yourself, you would say that this is what yearning truly felt like, what something deeper than love felt like.

But you were a fool and a liar, so you convinced yourself it was only because you wouldn’t see him again.

As soon as you were about to give up and lock your phone, the thread updated with a new text from Seokjin, and you stilled.

Kim JokeJin [8:51pm]: You’re probably still asleep, so I don’t want to wake you.

You immediately clicked on his message, your anxiousness protected by the absence of Read receipts. The typing bubble kept popping in and out of the screen and, with bated breath, you waited to see if a second text slid into the thread. A hard exhale whooshed from your throat when the second message came through.

Kim JokeJin [8:53pm]: But I owe you an explanation so come up when you can.

Fingers locked your phone in an instant when the door creaked on its hinges. Rin entered with an armful of chips and various candy bars, and as you started to get up, she tutted.

“Sit down, lady.” Packages crinkled as she dumped them onto your covered legs in a processed, sweet and salty heap. “Did you take the medicine?”

You shook your head, very sure that you looked like a cranky Troll doll.

“Go ahead and eat something really quick so the medicine will work. When you’re awake enough…” Rin’s voice trailed off, but you filled in the blanks yourself. Go talk to him was what she wanted to say.

“Can’t you just tell me what he said?” You were hopeful that Rin would save you the pain of confronting Seokjin yourself. In reality, she denied your request.

“Not this time,” she murmured, “This is something that needs to come from him.”

You figured as much, but it didn’t hurt to try getting out of it. It was a conversation that you both wanted and dreaded to have. Under your goosebumps, your bones trembled.

If you were frightened by the mere gist of it, how were you going to react to the real thing?

The reality was that you needed the closure Seokjin was offering. You didn’t think this vacation - or your friendship, for that matter - could regain normalcy until you had this talk. “Sorry I ruined this trip,” you whispered, playing with a corner of the closest bag of chips.

“I’m sorry, is your name ‘Jungkook?’” Rin laughed. “I’m kidding. It’s not ruined. At the very least, it’s salvageable. Maybe.”

“You should be a weather girl with these confident forecasts,” you joked, coaxing a laugh from your friend. You offered a small smile in return, but your heart wasn’t in it. She kinda forgot that this is the last trip you guys would have with Seokjin. If anything, it was doomed from the start.

Little striations ran across the door greeting you, shallow cuts skirting up and down the frame. You roved your eyes over the rough texture; contemplative, lost in the mahogany brown expanse.

If only you were a sturdy tree. You wouldn’t have to worry about any hard conversations in life. All you would’ve had to worry about was possibly becoming a rickety chair for a spoiled brat, or one of Namjoon’s tables that he would eventually damage and lament over.

With a breath, you finally knocked.

It didn’t take long for Seokjin’s freshly showered form to answer, and when you saw him dressed down to a plain white shirt and black pants, you quickly shifted your eyes to the floor. Didn’t he know that outfit was your favorite? Your weakness?

“Hey,” you simply said. “I’m awake now.”

He nodded and let you in, the door closing with a soft click. When you crossed the room, you stopped in front of the couch, anticipation already caking onto your clothes. There wasn’t much to say on your end, you figured, so Seokjin had to take the lead.

Instead of launching into topic, he walked towards you and grabbed a bottle from his nightstand. “Do you want some water?”

You could only stare at the plastic in question. “Did I come here for water, Seokjin?”

There was a heavy pause before the man planted his offering on the nightstand. “No.” Sitting on the longer side of his bed, he clasped his hands together, blank eyes glued to the floor. “Jungkook is right. I won’t be able to go on these trips anymore.”

“Why?”

“I, umm,” Seokjin answered, his words fumbling, “I kinda got into Harvard Medical School.”

“What?” Your anxiousness was forgotten as you gawked at him. That was what he was holding back from you? All this time? That amazing, fantastic, crazy news? Without thinking, you bounded toward him and crushed him in a hug, careful to not push him back onto the bed. “Seokjin! This is what you couldn’t tell me?”

His arms remained at his sides. When he responded, his explanation bounced onto your shoulder, “I literally won’t have a life once I start. None of you will be able to see this face, isn’t that enough to be sad about?”

Another moment of weakness came over you, and instead of overcoming it, you gave in. Your arms tightened around him and you whispered, “No, I’m so happy for you. You’ve worked so hard…”

There were bags under his eyes for a reason. You knew the nights he got three hours of sleep far outweighed the nights he got more than that. The reason you two didn’t get to see each other was his relentless studying and discipline, and you didn’t want him to have to choose between you and a future career. You both were way too young for those rash decisions.

It was with this memory that you were reminded of why you broke up: you wanted him to focus on his goals and you would do the same. “Really, I’m so proud of you.”

Why you hadn’t let go of him at that point was a mystery to you, but you couldn’t seem to stop. The feel of his body against yours consumed you, held you captive even if his arms didn’t.

But after a moment, you felt strong limbs wrap around your sides and emotion wrap around your throat.

You don’t remember the last time you two truly embraced. It was a given that the last time you did, you were both completely different people. Both so young. Both so naive.

“Thank you,” Seokjin breathed, his head finally a beautiful burden on your shoulder, “But there’s more.”

Tension froze your veins, taking the color from your complexion. Of course there was more. There was no way that was the big reveal, even though it was a monster in itself. “Oh,” was all you managed to squeak out.

Seokjin’s arms gently pushed your body away so that he could look you in the eyes. You already missed his stronghold, but you listened as he spoke. “My parents want me to go back home. To Korea.”

You blinked. “Even though you got into Harvard?”

“No, no, after that,” Seokjin expressed with a level of confidence only he could achieve. Like it was inconceivable that he wouldn’t get his doctorate. He then searched your face, the pause holding weight. “So, I don’t know if I’ll see you guys again.”

The wind howled outside and you shivered as if you were standing out there in the cold. There was so much that you wanted to say, but all the thoughts you had in your head melded together into sludge. Words struggled to leave your mouth. Nothing processed correctly in your brain.

Seokjin wasn’t joking - not this time. He really was going to be swamped in work and work and more work. Even the holidays were going to be crammed, and you were sure he wanted to use those rare rest periods solely to recharge.

Yes, he would still be able to text and call everyone, but that would be the extent of communication. He wasn’t big on social media. Even if he was, there would certainly be a dip in his activity now.

Just like you felt earlier, you really did feel like you were going through a breakup again. Only this time, the last remains of your relationship were at stake.

You didn’t want that.

“We’d still be friends,” you weakly offered, wondering if you were just saying that to convince yourself.

An empty chuckle startled you, and when you looked at Jin, he directed an empty gaze toward his nightstand’s lamp. “Yeah… We’d still be friends,” he repeated, and the way he said that made your shoulders sag. It was almost as if he didn’t believe you.

“But Seokjin… You should be so happy. I mean, you’re incredible,” you whispered, a heavy feeling weighing down your chest.

“What if I’m not?”

You sucked in a breath, suddenly not knowing what to do. Was he saying that hypothetically? No. There wouldn’t be a reason for him to ask if he truly was.

How were you supposed to respond to that? Being a doctor was his goal - you were sure of it. If he got accepted into Harvard of all places, then his future glimmered as bright as his charm. “What do you mean,” was what you decided to say. Because you needed more from him than that.

“You said I should be happy. What if I’m not?”

“This is what you’ve been working towards your whole life!” It didn’t make any sense. None of this was making any sense. Who wasn’t happy that they got accepted to one of the most prestigious medical programs in the world? “You did everything you could, and now you have something to show for it! We even broke up over this. And that’s fine,” you quickly added at the end. You didn’t want Seokjin to feel bad for that at all.

“What I’m trying to say is,” you continued, wanting to get every logical word out before more irrational ones escaped. “You’ve gotten everything you wanted. You deserve to be happy.”

You could feel the doors of your heart scraping shut. Even if you wanted to try to be with him again, you would have to give up on that dream. There was no way it was going to work if it didn’t pan out last time.

Fists clenched, you hated how your heart gravitated towards Seokjin on this damn trip, loathed how your brain produced its own highlight reel. Somehow, they both knew this was the end before you did.

“I don’t have everything I want, but you’re right. I’ll be happy.” He sounded bitter. Why did he sound so bitter?

“What more could you want,” you blurted, the question materializing between the two of you in bold letters. You were just getting frustrated at this point.

This was his dream. The ultimate goal. The one thing he wanted out of life.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does to me.”

“Well, it’s none of your concern.”

“I don’t care if it is or not.”

“You really want to know?” Seokjin shot off the bed, immediately towering over your small stature. As your eyes reached his face, you watched as his lips twisted, your shocked features taking in his frustration. “It’s… It’s love, okay? That might sound weird to you, but I’ve realized that all of this is pointless without it. That’s what I’m missing. I want to love again.” He shoved a hand through his hair, his forehead slightly wrinkling under duress.

The first thing that threw you off was the mere mention of the word. That was so brave of him to even bring it up. With you, of all people: someone he’s dated before. It must have taken so much courage for him to admit that.

But there was another word in there that stood out amongst all the others.

Again. He said again. Did he love someone before? He couldn’t have been referring to what you guys had. You never once said those words to each other while you dated. So who was he thinking of? And why did it hurt to know that he had loved before and it wasn’t you?

“I didn’t know you wanted that,” you replied, your voice painfully small. “But I don’t think it’s weird.”

You wanted nothing more than to just confess to him already, but you had no clue what he would say if he didn’t want something with you. The moment escaped like a thief in the night.

“Ah, well, if you knew the whole story,” Seokjin sighed, his breath shaky, “You would definitely think it’s stupid.”

“Why did it end the first time?” You wanted to get to the bottom of it. Maybe through his explanation, you could find something salvageable. You cared about him - so damn much. Seeing him in a state of utter helplessness seized your heart and gripped it tight. “With the one you… you loved. What happened?”

Seokjin’s indiscernible stare pierced through your soul, his silence screaming that he didn’t want to talk about it.

And you understood his reluctance. The list of activities to do with an ex didn’t include this as an option, either.

You felt the steely aftertaste of guilt on your tongue. Maybe he wanted you to just leave him alone already. Besides, you already pushed him to tell a multitude of truths that night. Asking him about a past love life was most likely crossing the line. “I’m sorry,” you apologized, uprooting yourself from your spot to leave. “You don’t have to tell me. I’ll leave you alone.”

You made it three steps before Seokjin responded, “She decided to end it.”

A vice clamped your chest. You stood in your new spot closer to the door, eyes boring into the floor. “Even though you were in love?”

That must have been awful. If you loved him when you two broke it off, it would have absolutely hurt. Very much like what was happening to you now, in fact. Because fuck, were you absolutely disintegrating like a paper on fire.

“I don’t think she loved me,” Seokjin disclosed, his words tightening the clasp around your lungs. “But I loved her.”

“I’m so sorry, Seokjin.” Tears brimmed across your eyes, but you didn’t want him to see you break. You thrummed with so many emotions in that moment, swept by the current of his words, his heavy tribulations.

He loved someone in the past. You loved him in the present. If only you both harbored a love for each other in at least one point in your lives.

“That must have been hard.”

“It wasn’t, for the most part.” His brittle words crumbled as they appeared. “I saw it coming.”

You chewed on your lip. Seokjin’s confessions were so full of pain - the amount of love he had for this person was obvious. Looking back on your relationship, you remember your split being mutual. It was mutual, right? There weren't any feelings involved. Whichever other situation Seokjin was referring to had to be sometime after you.

Maybe it was someone during his college days. But wouldn’t you have at least heard about them through the friend circle? Their name must have just left your mind. You knew Seokjin flirted a lot but he needed to be serious to really start a relationship. This one just sounded tragic.

“I don’t know what to say,” you admitted sincerely, your chest about ready to collapse, “Other than don’t give up. You can do it. Love again.” The joints in your knees threatened to give out. Telling the one you loved that he could find someone again was too much. Too, too much.

“Ah, yeah. Well.” Seokjin turned away from you in a shrug. Even the back of his profile was perfect. “Thanks for being a good, uh, friend.”

Friend. Could you teleport to your room and stay there? You couldn’t be the one to give him what he wanted, especially since he was about to be gone for a very long time. No matter how much you wanted to. Oh, how you wanted to.

You swung around to face the door once again. Critical words almost freed themselves from your lips, but you held them back, swallowed them down. “I’ll always be your friend.”

Head storming, you commended yourself for keeping your voice level. The tears were able to recede - which relieved you, since you wanted to make it through the rest of the conversation with dry eyes. With one tiny head shake, you whispered, “Let’s get some sleep, okay? I don’t want us to ruin the rest of this trip. Like you said before, we have to make it the best one.”

Seokjin got up and made his way over to you, and you turned around with a fresh face once you knew he was close enough. The smile he wore was manufactured, but you didn’t want to pry. Instead, you repeated your advice as you both approached his door. Because you wanted him to understand. “Seriously. Don’t give up, you hear me?”

“Don’t give up,” he echoed as he pulled on the handle, like you were just giving him directions. He stilled for a moment in deep concentration before looking your way. Dark eyes bore into yours and you could almost hear them speak, but he gave one final nod and vowed, “Okay.”

Little striations met you again when you gave Seokjin’s closed room one last look, and you swore they regarded you with pity. Finally breaking, you let your tears fall the whole way back to your floor, wishing to be made into a sturdy tree in your next life so you never had to feel that way again.

The next morning found all nine friends situated in various places around Seokjin’s room. You thought it amusing that the boys never really settled for normal seats, always choosing a table or windowsill perch instead. As an avid fan of the floor yourself, apparently, you were once again plopped on the ground in front of the sofa. Only this time, you weren’t drowning in the depths of your past.

“Looks like the snow piled up high last night, so we might not be able to use the cars,” Namjoon observed after his long fingers created a tiny crack in the curtains. His argyle sweater blended in with the burgundy fabric and the sight put a small smile on your face.

The action surprised you since you spent the whole night swathed in a blanket of regret, your arms caging your ribs in an attempt to stopper your bleeding heart. If only you were so bold as to allow a confession to fall from your lips. Three words to solve two peoples’ problems.

But the risk involved was too high. The hurt following an unrequited love confession would haunt you through every sunrise and sunset.

Jungkook’s exasperated voice sliced through your thoughts. “What are we gonna do then?” You glanced at him right as he threw himself onto Seokjin’s bed, bouncing the other two occupants like buoys amongst waves.

“What we can do: stay in,” Yoongi responded while repositioning himself against the headboard.

Taehyung’s sigh mingled with Rin’s tsking noise, Jungkook’s deeper groan almost in harmony with the both of them. Their melancholic concerto almost pulled a laugh out of you, but the next suggestion came from Hoseok, “I brought some board games we could play. Cards, too.”

Seokjin quickly shot him a look. “You don’t play board games. Or games. Or cards. Actually, what do you do?”

“I look after all of you.” Hoseok’s head always bobbed when he spoke to accentuate his points. “Hence why I brought board games and cards just in case!”

You couldn’t refute the man’s claims, either. Hoseok always made sure everyone packed what they needed before trips but brought extra stuff in the event that the group needed something else. Helping was just part of his nature. Yesterday was one example. Rin got the snacks last night, but you were sure he would have woken up at any point in time to be your comfort food delivery man. If being a leader were a sport, Hoseok would be the dark horse that you never saw coming until they finished first. Then you couldn’t deny their talent and skill.

Taehyung didn’t let the dark horse live, though. “Thanks, hyung. Did you pack a snowblower, too?”

Rin’s laugh could always be heard amongst your friends, but not because she was a girl. Hers was just so distinct and heartwarming, like a cozy throw or the thought of cookies in the oven. It was only slightly better than Jimin’s.

Speaking of which: Jimin was eerily quiet throughout the whole meeting, his gaze lingering on you more than once. You noticed it ever since you burst into Seokjin’s room and lauded the man’s scholastic advancement. Which couldn’t be helped. No matter how painful last night’s conversation was, you still wanted him to know how proud you were. After all, a person could be sporting a dagger through their heart but still have love to give.

You didn’t know why Jimin was acting strange. The big secret was unveiled but you would come to terms with it. Was he afraid of how you would be feeling? Or was he just sympathizing with you because he assumed you weren’t exactly fine? Talking to him later to iron things out was going to be essential. The multiple glances he threw your way proved too much.

“I have a pamphlet we can look through,” you responded, waving it in the air like a white flag. The decision to bring it just in case proved to be the right one, even if Rin threw a small fit from having to fumble through her bag for the room key again. Warmth from the thick hoodie swallowing both your body and your bent legs validated the first time you went back into your room.

Rin stuck her tongue out at you but smiled right after in her best Sour Patch Kid impression. Cute. You breathily laughed before unfolding the flimsy paper. Shifting your eyes along the colorful pages, you started listing out the lodge activities. “Okay, so we have… Kayaking: no. Lake yoga: no. Mountain biking: no…”

Even though the lodge boasted a huge amount of things to do, the majority of them required there to not be four billion inches of snow outside. Only a few remained, and majority rules determined ski slopes the winner.

The only issue with the slopes was that they only allowed groups of three at a time. To remedy this, groups were formed and a rotation was set based on a heated tournament of rock-paper-scissors. And while Hoseok didn’t play board games, cards, or even video games, he seemed to be a pro at that.

He picked Seokjin and Yoongi for his group, and they were going out first, to the eldest’s horror. You saw his anxiousness coming from miles out - tackling snow with one board was much more up his alley than tackling it with two.

Next, Jungkook chose Namjoon and Jimin since he wanted to somehow “win” on the slopes. They gave him much grief for that.

And that left you with Rin and Taehyung, but they wanted to check out the spa area first, so your group was going to catch up later.

Which wasn’t ideal for you. You wanted to watch Seokjin ski. Or really, you just wanted to see him as much as possible before the trip ended. Seok in his presence, like he said. Maybe being pruny in this case was a beautiful thing.

Room Service knocking on the door interrupted your thoughts, and Jimin let them in to serve the breakfast Seokjin ordered for everyone prior. While the dishes were distributed, the group was already firing bets and insults and digs at each other as if a clear winner would emerge outside. And you welcomed every bit of their energy. Chewing on food while basking in everyone’s competitive nature was enough of a distraction from your woes. At least, until you caught Jimin deep in thought again.

The spa was decent, so you three ended up staying for almost an hour. Both the sauna and facial massage served to ease the thick layer of tenseness under your skin. If only you could transport yourself into a cloud of steam every time you thought about Seokjin. Maybe that would’ve helped with the anxiousness and guilt you felt every time you thought about confessing.

And you were grateful for Taehyung tagging along because he really did offer free hugs often. Even while Rin scanned over the receipt for everything you guys did, the man slung a lean arm around your shoulders.

His voice glided over your hair when he leaned in to ask, “How did it go last night?”

You sighed before responding, debating on how to answer him. You decided to take the easy route. “Good. Better than I expected. I just can’t believe it took him that long to tell me! I was so worried this whole time.”

Taehyung squeezed you gently. “Finally. We kept telling him to just admit it already.”

Rin was in the middle of paying when you smiled. Her hair gleamed in the incandescents, and you reached out to touch it as you admitted, “It’s just weird that he wanted to hide that from me.”

“Well, you’re his ex, so he thought it would’ve been awkward.”

A laugh shot out of you, and Taehyung gave you a look. “Seokjin’s so strange. He knows I’ve been rooting for him this whole time. I mean, Harvard? That’s incredible.”

Normally, friends would converse about achievements and be sincerely happy about them. But something else happened in that moment that set alarm bells off in your head. Whether it was Rin becoming a block of ice in front of you, or Taehyung slowly peeling his arm off of your shoulders, you suddenly got a feeling that something wasn’t right.

When Rin spun around to face you, the expression painted on her face reminded you of those Renaissance pieces you saw during one museum date with your ex. Her eyebrows artfully scrunched; her full lips twisted. Was she on the side of the angels, battling demons? Going to war?

No, she was just trying to clarify something. “He didn’t say anything else?”

You gulped. “I mean, yeah?”

“What did he say?” Taehyung furrowed his dark brows, his own face a work of art in itself.

“That his parents are making him move back to Korea when he’s done with his doctorate,” you revealed, suspicious of the both of them and Seokjin now. You kept your tone level to hide any emotions under the surface. “Why, is there more?”

Once again, you were swept under the wave of confusion. The waters there were dark and cold, and you felt like you couldn’t swim to safety this time. It was as if cotton clogged your ears and a thin film coated your vision. You didn’t even register Taehyung furiously typing on his phone while Rin led you all out of the spa’s reception area.

“Do you want there to be more,” was all she offered before sitting you down on an earthly toned loveseat. The fluffy rug under your shoes snagged most of your attention.

“I don’t know how to answer that, but I guess not,” you finally grunted, feeling angrier and angrier from being left in the dark again. Comparable to a disease, this dangerous feeling was taking over you, trickling into your veins drop by black drop. “Honestly, I kinda just want to go back to the room until we meet for dinner. Whatever you guys are hiding is starting to piss me off.”

“Let’s go,” Rin agreed, urging you to get up and follow her to the room. But you shook her off.

“I’ll go by myself.” Buzzing with anger, you shuffled through your bag to grip your key. “Just let me be alone for a bit.”

Taehyung looked absolutely livid, but he nodded along with Rin. You didn’t watch the two of them share a knowing glance as you drug your crumpling form to the stairs, hoping pieces of you didn’t crumble off before you reached your temporary bed.

From the moment your tired bones hit your comforter, time traveled at a strange pace. You didn’t know how long you spent lying prone on the sheets, your head lolled towards the window. Watching the light snowfall outside did nothing to bring you out of your dark space.

Being left out, confused, and feeling betrayed left you mentally drained. How long were you going to feel like this? Like you were just going to keep being lied to? Maybe you weren’t outwardly lied to, but omitting something was still considered a lie. The truth was still held captive and you couldn’t even pay it a visit.

Rin and Taehyung reacted strongly to what you said. That had to mean whatever else Seokjin was supposed to say to you was big. You weren’t stupid. At least, that’s what you concluded.

But what if you were this time?

You loathed this feeling. You hated being looked at with pity. Even Rin knew what was left unsaid this time, so you were truly alone in the dark.

A dark monster within you rose to life, and you ripped yourself from the sheets. Snatching your coat from the couch, you jerked your arms inside, striding toward your door with purpose. A ball of fury, you were determined to march up the slopes and confront Seokjin. Everything was getting ridiculous.

Tugging the door open, you flinched at the figure waiting on the other side. A brief moment of silence and bewilderment and worry washed over you, quelling a small part of your harbored anger. “What happened to you?”

Seokjin stood in front of you wrapped in his puffy coat, hair in disarray and a small gash on his cheek. His nose was red with the cold and a small cut, and his eyes looked as if he had been holding back tears. Tears? Was he crying? Even now, it seemed like a few were threatening to fall as his gaze lowered. A ghost of a voice wafted from his mouth as he replied, “Jimin.”

You winced. Remembering the glances the younger man gave you this morning, you should have seen a conflict brewing. Your friend wasn’t lying when he said he’d give Seokjin hell. Something must have broken out when they were on the slopes, or anytime you weren’t there with them. “Shit. I’m sorry.”

If you didn’t have that revelation with Rin and Taehyung, you would have been absolutely thrown by Seokjin’s appearance and the cause of it. But it seemed that both groups found out what he told you last night and neither were pleased with the result. What that result was, you couldn’t determine yet. But based on your own categories, “I got into Harvard” and “I’m moving back to Korea” fit in the Should Know box. The Deserved to Know box was still accepting applications.

“Come in.” Your fury had to simmer on a proverbial stove for the time being. “I have a first aid kit in my bag.”

You hurried him into the room before making a beeline for your duffle. The adrenaline built while you were fired up was still thrumming your bones like guitar strings. Nothing more was said as your bag crinkled with your rummaging, even though you wanted to just wring answers from his neck already.

But you couldn’t. You needed a moment to collect your thoughts, both the past woes you were fighting and your current worries.

As Jin awkwardly stood in front of your bed, you kept pondering. What the hell happened out there? How did it end up in a physical altercation? Did Jin fight back? It was already obvious Jimin initiated it, but you wondered if he sported any bruises, too. Not from Seokjin, though. Because you couldn’t ever see him throwing a punch. You were more curious about someone like Yoongi. The elder one was incredibly protective of Jin.

When you found the kit, you spun around to start tending to your ex’s face. “Bed,” you ordered, pointing towards yours with the first aid box. Your tone was harsh, but you weren’t holding it back.

The man was silent as he delicately sat on the comforter, and you instantly noticed how he refused to look at you still.

No matter. Treating his cuts was a priority, but that didn’t mean you weren’t going to force him into confrontation right after. Seokjin wasn’t going to have a choice.

Perching yourself next to him, you propped one leg up to steady yourself, clicking open the small kit next to you. It wasn’t as fancy as the one he carried along, but it housed the basics. Fetching some antiseptic and cotton first, you told him to turn towards you so that you could start.

And despite your anger, your exasperation, your frustration, the hands you lifted to Seokjin’s face were nothing but calm.

Throughout the time you dusted his cuts, you kept your gaze on his cheek, his mouth, his nose. A wall erected around you that you refused to take down. After all of the hurt Seokjin had caused, the turmoil he had put you through, it was pertinent you wouldn’t let him in. You had your soldiers’ arrows at the ready, directed right at his wounded face.

But if you so much as flitted your gaze toward his eyes, your walls would crumble to dust. Your gates would slam open in surrender.

Because having him this close to you after all this time was like coming home. And you harbored that feeling ever since the scent of his cologne consumed you. Your face hovered inches from his, your fingers gently pressing his features. All of the nights you yearned to be this close were so lonely and cold, and his warmth was tugging your heart by multiple strings.

His looming absence was hitting you deeply then. If you gave in only to lose him again, the pain would surely hollow out your soul until you were a mere shell of yourself. You wanted nothing more than to sink into the mattress and slip down into the soil underneath the lodge.

Suddenly, a hand cradled your cheek, and you shook on impact. Without thinking, you locked eyes with Jin, and it was then that you realized he was wiping hot tears from your face.

“If I’m the reason for these,” he whispered, “I’m sorry.”

Something strangled escaped you, and you finally caved. “You are,” you exhaled, unable to stop the tears from falling. “You really are.”

You tore yourself from the bed, instantly feeling the lingering warmth of his fingers fade. A chasm was created between you two: your chest heaving on one side and his face crumbling on the other. The mountain of thoughts and feelings you created broke down under pressure, emotions roaring down its slopes in a cathartic avalanche. “I’ve been looking like a fool this whole trip, and apparently everyone is feeling so fucking sorry for me. Why can’t you just tell me everything? What did Yoongi mean? What do I deserve to know? You told me you got into Harvard and have the audacity to say you aren’t happy? What the hell is that about? We’re supposed to be friends, so why am I feeling like you’re letting that all go?” You choked on your tears and clasped a hand over your mouth, a burn blossoming in your chest from the dry sobs.

Seokjin’s eyes ringed with a burgeoning shade of pink, both of his pupils glossed in guilt. “I’m not… I’m not letting that go, but--”

“But what, Seokjin,” you gritted out, “Please stop and just tell me already.”

“But I was too scared,” he admitted, “I’m still scared.”

“Why are you scared?” The question drifted to his face, and you could tell he was struggling to answer even that one. It pained you to be this close yet so far from the answer.

“Why are you scared, Seokjin,” you whispered again, realizing that his hands were shaking.

“Because…” You watched as he clenched them on his thighs, and he struggled to get the words out. “Because it’s going to happen again.”

Enough with the obscurity. Frustration reached a boiling point. “What’s going to happen again?”

“Exactly what happened last time!” Seokjin declared as his eyes pleaded with you, eyebrows furrowed and kneeling in anguish. The skin encasing his watery eyes remained that same dusty shade of affliction.

You couldn’t for the life of you understand what he was saying, until you remembered last night. When you asked him about the time he loved before.

Wait.

Your hand made a slow descent from your face as you matched Seokjin’s stare. A million words skittered across your eyes, transforming into liquid and sliding down your skin. You were sure you looked an absolute wreck with your tear-stained cheeks and reddened nose, but that didn’t concern you at all. The only thing you could hang onto was Jin’s words, just short of a confession.

But you had to be sure. You weren’t settling for five words that could mean a thousand other things while arranged the same way. “The one from before,” you more stated than questioned, “Where is she now.”

Seokjin never broke his gaze, doing an incredible job of keeping tears at the edges of his eyes. Heavy breaths caused his chest to swell with each pass. Voice low, he finally, finally caved, “She’s the one on the polaroid I have in my room.”

The entire conversation from last night struck you like a freight train. So many realizations hit you at once and you didn’t know how your trembling legs were keeping you upright.

It was you. He was talking about you.

Your coat smothered your limbs like a cage, your whole being rattling inside like an animal starved.

That was what he was truly hiding from you. That was what he had buried deep down into his chest. And you couldn’t blame him one bit after you realized it was exactly what you were holding from him, too.

No matter the reason, you still kept your own truth hidden. It occurred to you then that you couldn’t be angry - that would just be hypocrisy. There was bravery in confession, and even more so to someone you no longer were allowed to feel that way about.

You were the one that forced the truth out of Seokjin, and now you only felt like a coward.

Movement in front of you snapped your vision back into focus. He was getting up to leave. Why was he leaving?

“I knew this would happen,” he said, his voice strained. “I’ll go. I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable.”

Oh. He assumed your silence was from guilt. Guilt that you didn’t feel the same. And he was about to walk out with that egregious misconception. What an absolute fool.

But no matter how hard you tried, the words wouldn’t budge from the back of your teeth.

You had two choices here. One, you told him. You laid everything out and you admitted that you felt the same. Then tomorrow, he would leave your life and you may not see him again for years. And you tried this before - being in two separate schools and living different lives while holding onto your relationship. It obviously didn’t work last time, and you still saw him from time to time. This situation would be a thousand times harder.

Which brought you to the second option: you let him go. You let him leave without telling him how you felt. Rip the bandage off right there and then. Leave him to pursue his dream, and with that the freedom to go and find someone else to love. Was that what you wanted? Was this your own sick version of loving him? All the villains in the universe would applaud you as you lied to his face while telling him not to give up. How fucking cruel would that be?

“Seokjin,” you called out, and your chest subtly heaved when he turned to stone by the door. His broad back remained still as you took a step towards him, and only after you roamed your eyes over his shoulders did you notice small movements. But he didn’t face you. It was almost as if he didn’t want to.

Agony consumed your entire being as you made your decision.

You shut your eyes, clenched your jittering fingers into hard fists.

“See you at the campfire,” you whispered, your voice unfamiliar even to yourself.

The only response you got was the soft opening and closing of your door.

Compared to last night’s lion of a snow storm, tonight was but a mere cub. There were small flakes here and there taking their time to descend, and the fixtures from inside the lodge were the only light source beside the fire pit you were approaching downstairs.

Situated in the center of your friends, the flames danced across their jovial smiles as they passed bottles around. The drinks weren’t the lodge’s, but the ones you all brought and snuck out of the rooms - the telltale green glass was enough of a hint.

After Seokjin left, it took you a couple minutes to let everything out, and about thirty minutes crying into Rin’s shoulder once she witnessed your crumpled form on the floor. She listened to your recap of the conversation and Jin’s final secret, and through broken sobs you told her you couldn’t tell him yours. When she asked why, you told her your reasoning. When she called you an idiot, you wholeheartedly agreed and cried even harder.

But you still stuck with your decision. It was for the best. You loved him so much that you wanted what was best for him, and that was to let you go.

“Promise me one thing,” Rin murmured, earning a nod from you. “Only go through with it if you know you won’t regret it.”

A sharp pain sliced through you then, but you acquiesced. “I won’t.”

She then grabbed your Polaroid from the bed. It was Namjoon’s idea to bring it to the campfire once he heard you brought it on the trip. “Are you okay with this?”

“Yeah,” you gulped, regarding the old piece of the past with heavy eyes. Seokjin confessed to you with the help of that camera. You weren’t okay with the mere idea of touching it. “Yeah, it’s fine. I want everyone to enjoy themselves tonight, so. Yes.”

Even if that meant you suffered. This was Seokjin’s last trip with everyone, not just you. Why keep them from making good memories just because you were a walking dark cloud?

You reached the bottom of the rickety stairs, the squeaky noises catching the attention of the boys. Most of them raised their bottles to you, but you caught Jin staring at the fire instead.

If you got through this night in one piece, it would be a miracle.

Namjoon stood as you and Rin settled into your seats. “Okay. Since we’re all here now, I say we start.”

As everyone gave their cheers, the eldest just looked confused. “Start what?”

“Something for you,” Yoongi explained, his body already comfortable in his Adirondack. “Since you aren’t joining us for these anymore.”

“Ah, yah,” Seokjin protested, “You don’t need to do anything—”

“Don’t lie, you already love this,” Jimin cut in, all smiles despite the companion bruises and cuts on his face to Jin’s. “Although, your opinion may change in a second.”

Jungkook paused his leg bouncing to shout, “Let hyung explain!”

You smiled as the group settled, but noticed that Jimin was looking at you strangely. You didn’t have time to process it, though, since Namjoon headed things off while a bottle rested against his chest, “Jin-hyung. We just want you to know that we’re proud of you. Even though we may not see you for awhile, you’ll be in our hearts and on our minds. Starting tomorrow, you’re already Dr. Kim to us, so I say we all call you by name tonight.”

Laughter and claps filled the air, drowning out Seokjin’s weak protests.

Namjoon cleared his throat to calm the air, and you watched small flakes catch in his hair as he continued, “We’ll each do two things: give you advice, and ask for advice. Since you’re clearly educated, we figured you’d have a lot to say.”

“Oh, I’m just lucky.”

“And keep sharp, everyone. Miss Photographer over there will be taking pictures.” Namjoon nodded at you, and you gave a short smile while holding up the Polaroid. You were fine doing this; behind the lens was your safe space.

The boys and Rin slowly got through their questions and advice, and you were shocked by how insightful Seokjin was being. You never truly realized the magnitude of his intelligence. Every person around the campfire hung on his every word, and it didn’t help that you all took a swig after every good point he made - many, many times. You diligently fired away on your camera, making sure to get Seokjin with everyone so they could all have a moment captured with him.

When Jimin’s turn came, he shot you a glance before looking at your ex. “Jin. That sounds weird to say. Jin-hyung.” He looked at the ground before continuing, and you knew it was to compose himself. “My advice to you… Sorry,” he buried his head in his elbow for a brief moment. Yoongi looked away.

“I kinda gave you advice already,” Jimin trudged on, “And you took it. So, my next piece of advice would be to, uh, keep going.”

You were rooted to your chair. Seokjin didn’t spare you a single glance during that exchange, but you knew it was about you. It had to be how he ended up at your door earlier. He even said Jimin was the one responsible for his wounds.

“Thank you, Jimin,” Jin replied. “As for my advice to you, it’s okay to let people figure things out on their own. You don’t have to put it on yourself to be the one that keeps people together. If something ends up breaking, you’re going to think it’s your fault.”

Jimin regarded him with watery eyes before nodding and wiping his freezing tears. And when he looked your way, he saw you only looking at Seokjin. Your face was slowly cracking, and the shadows in your facade were exacerbated by the flames.

It was your turn; everyone else went. The Polaroid felt like a boulder on your thighs.

You blinked before setting the camera down and clutching your bottle. Since Seokjin was on the other side of the fire, you had to stand to see him, your tenseness on full display.

What could you possibly say in that moment that he wanted to hear? That he was willing to listen to? You were certain you took his heart and slammed it into the ground earlier. It would be better if you just didn’t say anything.

“Seokjin,” you started, pausing to collect yourself. “My advice to you is to forget the advice I gave you before.”

Several pairs of eyes looked at you then. Even Jin finally regarded you, the most aware of what you were referring to.

“What I’m trying to say is: it’s okay to give up sometimes, because not everything that you want to happen is going to happen. There will be times you will just have to let things go. And that’s okay. Because maybe letting things go would end up for the best.”

Jimin’s eyes bore into your soul. He sat so still that it put all the statues throughout history to shame.

Seokjin grabbed his bottle with both hands, elbows resting on his knees. “Interesting advice.” His eyes danced as they took in the warm flames. “I might even follow it.”

Both of your lungs threatened to give out at his words. Your hands almost dropped the glass you were barely clinging to, but you never looked away from Jin. It was as if your attention was chained to his body, your soul weighed down by his earlier confession and now his possible break.

If he followed your advice, shouldn’t you be happy? It’s what you wanted in the end, right? You would let him go, and he wouldn’t look back.

Snow drifted onto everyone’s chairs and the fire crackled in front of you. A small breath left you in a wisp of white. Warmth did its best to help you, but the cold was too strong. No amount of fire in the world could melt your icy conscience - you truly left Seokjin in the dark. He practically admitted that he loved you, and in return you gave him nothing. Of course he would consider your advice.

“But I like the sound of not giving up. It has a ring to it that exists beyond the sound it makes when someone says it,” he cut himself off, the silence deafening. Inside, bells rang in your head. What was he implying? Seokjin’s voice was as clear as blue skies when he continued, “So, I guess I’m stealing your advice and giving it to everyone here.”

Your gaze shifted to the side as everyone turned towards Seokjin. This was something you weren’t prepared to digest. Settling back down into your chair, you tried to even out your breathing and neutralize your shaking fingers.

Your feelings were warring with each other in a confusing battle. If you wanted him to follow your advice, why were you relieved when he said he liked not giving up? Did that mean you hoped he still waited for you? Years and years and years from now?

“Take it from me: don’t give up,” he advised. “But what I mean by that is to not give up until you’re happy.”

Guilt squeezed your eyes shut, clamping your lids down. He was going to wait. Love was the one thing he wanted to be happy. And you held your love for him tightly in your hands, behind your back and hidden from sight.

But even still, in the midst of your silent rejection, this man wasn’t letting go. Without saying the words, Seokjin was going to wait for you. Because he still loved you.

This was too hard.

“To being happy,” Jimin boisterously cheered, startling everyone and causing your bones to rattle. His glass remained high in the air, and everyone joined in with their own proclamations.

“To being happy,” you whispered alongside the others, quickly taking a swig.

Yoongi was the next one to pipe up as he declared, “Okay, now that all that’s done, let’s just drink for fuck’s sake.”

Amongst the laughter and “thank god”s thrown about, you quickly downed the rest of your drink like it was your lifeline. You needed more than liquid courage to get through the rest of the night. The camera by your feet was snatched up by Jungkook before Taehyung could get to it, and you prayed to every higher power that they kept it in one piece.

As everyone made their way back to their rooms, you noticed Seokjin joking and laughing with the others like normal. It was a continuation of the rest of the night, since after the advice conversation it was nothing but fun. Your Polaroid almost ran out of film, for one, but watching everyone fight over the photos was entertainment in itself. There were digs toward Jin until he turned red, jabs thrown at Jimin’s fragile emotional state, and Rin’s warm laughter coating everything in a soft glow.

And it was a bittersweet event. There was nothing more you wanted than to capture that moment and place it in a snowglobe. The world wouldn’t interfere with your friends, and none of you would ever leave.

Seokjin was about to head up the stairs to tuck in for the night. Full of soju and stupidity, you blurted, “Leaving already?”

He stilled before turning toward you. “Oh. Yeah.” He regarded you with a look you couldn’t completely decipher. “Long day tomorrow.”

“Right,” you replied, hating the sudden hollowness you felt. Or didn’t feel.

“Well… Good night.” Seokjin tapped the banister twice before heading up, and you softly wished him good night before speedwalking to your room. You were only tipsy, so the fast trip didn’t bother you. The camera in your hands kept your center balanced the whole way back.

By some strange miracle, you kept it together the whole time after everyone’s campfire speeches. You imagined yourself as an ice sculpture, surrounded by the guests of honor. Everyone gave you a glance and thought nothing else of you. They could only see composure and poise. Only when they got closer could they see you slowly melting, rivulets of remorse cascading down your entire frame.

Rin was in the middle of her skincare routine when you entered your room. As soon as she heard your footsteps, she made a noise indicating she had something to say. The product around her mouth didn’t let her yet, though. Which meant you had to wait.

You stood in the doorframe of the bathroom, vision spinning just a smidge. This was probably a talk you didn’t want to have, but you gave your friend her podium. It was only fair. Her serious talks were few and far between.

But she didn’t have much to say when she finished getting ready for bed. In fact, she only said three sentences.

“It’s 11 o’clock,” she stated plainly, her tone indicating she was done with the calmer approach. Bluntness was more her style.

“Okay?”

“We leave at 7 in the morning.”

“And?”

“It means you have eight hours to decide how you’re going to feel for the next ten years.”

Silence.

All you could respond with was silence.

Dead air. Sober. You were sober now. In that moment, you may have held your breath for a century. Too many thoughts flooded your brain, from past memories at a carnival to future images of an empty apartment with a bed fit for one.

It was stark. Blank. There wasn’t going to be a future with Seokjin, no matter what you said.

But when Rin put it that way, would you feel better if he knew the truth? Or would you keep this idiotic stance and lock your feelings away forever?

For the third time that night, your fingers rattled. Rin took them into her comforting palms.

“Go,” she murmured, and she smiled as she witnessed you burst into the hall.

Your strides were incredibly long as you hurried down the corridor. The doors blurred on either side of your vision, the pattern of the floor elongated with your fast pace. Your camera thudded into your chest over and over. Step after step after step got faster and faster as your anxiousness bubbled into your brain. The last turn before the stairs made you skid, and you rushed up the rickety steps. Your heart was thrumming, scratching at your chest to set it free.

When you got to his door, you were certain you woke sleeping neighbors with your rapid knocking. But you couldn’t stop yourself. Nothing could possibly stop you now.

You had no plan. There wasn’t time to think. All you wanted was to see him. All you could think about was letting everything out. Eight hours. You had eight hours.

Seokjin tugged the door open, pausing mid-swing when he saw your face. He looked so beautiful. Full of warmth. Like home.

“Jinnie.”

You didn’t mean to call him that, but you didn’t take it back. You weren’t taking anything back anymore. His eyes roamed over your features multiple times, searching for any indication that this was a dream. But it wasn’t. The words finally slipped from your lips.

“I’m not following your advice. Or my own.”

His eyebrows furrowed, but you pushed on.

“I’m giving up. But I’m giving up because I can’t let you go.” When Seokjin stared at you, it was impossible to look away.

His response came out in a rush, “What are you… what are you saying?”

“I’m saying I love you.” You huffed out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. “Damn it, I— I just love you. I love you so much it hurts.”

A shaky exhale left you at the look on his face. The quick descent into realization formed in the corners of his eyes, tears pooled at the edges before quickly streaming down his cheeks, collecting at the crux of his chin. Glassy orbs bore straight into your soul in search of answers, of truth. And if he wanted those answers, you already admitted the biggest one, so words were easier to come by.

“I’ve felt this way ever since our trip last year,” you started, slowly inching toward the wreck of a man. Not like you fared any better with the streaks forming on your own cheeks. “And I know it’s the stupidest thing to tell you now since you’re leaving, and we failed at long distance before, but--”

Seokjin breathed out your name, and his next words would stay imprinted in your mind forever. “I still want to try. And I’ll try as many times as you’ll let me.”

“I know. I know that now,” you whispered.

Passion and warmth bloomed in your chest, spiraling out into the far reaches of your limbs. Hundreds of nights imagining him accepting you again didn’t prepare you for this feeling. Nothing was holding you back; your walls came crashing down.

You finally broke and shielded your face in your hands, and you felt sturdy arms shield you from the world. The cruel, beautiful world that brought you two together right before he disappeared from your life again. You cried, and sobbed, and wheezed. The elation from his confession only magnified the pain of his departure.

You felt the weight of the Polaroid leave your chest as Seokjin lifted it from your neck. “Come inside,” Seokjin whispered into your hair, earning a hiccup from your chest. “Please.”

It was only then that you noticed you were still out in the hall. A small nod from you was all he needed to guide you into his room, and your throat constricted at the bags lying open on the bed.

Seokjin was already packing. Packing while thinking he was going to go through the same thing he went through last time. You felt absolutely sick. How could you even think of doing this to him? If there was a way to make it all up to him, you would do it. “I didn’t want to tell you before,” you confessed, burying your nose into his chest. “But that was wrong of me. You almost left without knowing. I’m so sorry.”

Strong, lean fingers traveled through your hair as your camera was placed on a table. The heavy clunk it made reached your ears, and a whisper followed. “I didn’t want to tell you, either. You don’t need to apologize.”

“If I told you earlier, we would’ve had more time. Now I’m just sad.”

“Look at me.” Jin caressed the back of your head, naturally lifting your gaze. His watery eyes took yours in, and he leaned forward to kiss the top of your hair. “We still have tonight, so if we’re going to be sad, let’s wait until after.”

“But you’re crying, too,” you observed, feeling slightly better from his words. How Seokjin was able to have that effect on you, you would never understand.

A light huff from him made you melt. “That’s because I’m so happy,” he confessed, softly laughing again and wiping his eyes with both hands.

He was happy. Seokjin was happy. You looked at the growing smile under his fingers, and you had no choice but to grin and join in his laughter.

Not because it was funny. But because it was unbelievable. You were able to gift him the last piece he was missing - he was finally able to find that happiness. How were you about to deny that from him? Now it seemed unfathomable.

When you looked at his hands again, you noticed there were lingering cuts. Worry washing over you, you cradled one in your palms and asked as Seokjin looked at you, “Should I take care of this, too?” Though the man had more than enough knowledge on playground injury care, you still offered because you wanted to be there for him in any possible way.

He replied instantly, “I took care of everything. Jimin, too. You saw him being his usual self earlier.”

“He said he’d give you hell if you didn’t talk to me on this trip. I didn’t think he would go this far, though.” You reached up to run a thumb along the small gash on Seokjin’s cheek, the blood drying into a deep red. “I’ll make him regret it later.”

Jin leaned into your touch, causing sparks in your skin. “Don’t,” he whispered, “He’s the reason I ended up at your door.”

You just nodded and lost yourself in the feel of his soft face. It was incredibly smooth under your fingers, even better than when you held his cheeks all those years ago. To think that this man loved you ever since then, and continued to do so until now, was unbelievable. But it was true, and no amount of words could account for how you felt about that.

Those eyes overflowing with adoration and affection were solely for you, and diving into them felt like being immersed in sunlit waters.

“Can I kiss you?”

The simple question took you by surprise, but you gazed at his lips. They only looked inviting, so who were you to deny him? “Please,” you sighed, and your eyelids closed shut at his pillowy touch.

Color sprang from your heart at his confession, but heat burst from your chest at his kiss. The moment his lips met yours, every worry wrapped around your conscience snapped in two. Vines of doubt, regret, and anxiety withered under the warmth of Seokjin’s touch. It was cleansing. Powerful. Searing.

A hand captured the back of your neck, and Jin took advantage of your gasp by dragging his tongue around the edge of your lips, a wordless plea to let him in. You gave in immediately, leaning forward and deepening the kiss, roping his tongue and eliciting a groan.

Heat rushed between your legs and you echoed his sound with a soft moan of your own. Unwittingly, your hands found their way to Seokjin’s chest and you reveled in the feel of him under the thin material of his shirt. Without breaking your lips from his, you skirted the cotton hem with your fingers.

Jin knew what you wanted, and his grin against your mouth only made you flush with desire. He broke from your lips to fully remove his shirt, and seeing his bare chest wiped the air from your lungs. You could only stare as you took in the lines of his solid build, wondering how the hell he had the time to achieve that look.

Seokjin smirked at your reaction, tossing his top and hauling the bags off his bed while you were taking time to process everything. “Do I need to charge you?”

You shook your empty head like a zombie. Your brain was currently mush, purely focused on the way his muscles rippled and slid against the confines of his skin. “No, don’t. I didn’t bring any money with me.”

Laughter erupted from the other side of the bed. After Seokjin placed the last bag on the floor, he straightened and clarified, “I meant plug you in. You seem to be buffering over there. Low battery?”

“Shut up and get on the bed,” you teased, shrugging off the coat you still had on. You didn’t even get to change since coming in from the campfire.

“Shut up and get on the bed, yes,” Seokjin fired back mercilessly as he sat on the comforter. He knew exactly how to push you. Even though you laughed, you made you way over to him and stood between his legs.

You were silent then. No matter how happy you were, his departure tomorrow was weighing on you. The time you had with him was short.

You wanted to make the most of it. Bringing your hand up to his face, you made sure to lightly skim over his gashes before mapping the rest. You wanted to ingrain every curve, every dip, every feature into memory. Every second was precious. The polaroid you had of him would still be no match for the real thing. If only you could capture the warmth of someone and keep it frozen in time.

Sure fingers clasped your hand, and Seokjin softly pulled you closer. Your first instinct was to rush in and hug him for dear life, and he immediately did the same to you, snatching the breath from your lungs and tugging tears from your ducts. You buried your face into his neck, inhaling his familiar scent and lamenting all the time you spent worrying over the smallest things.

“We don’t have a lot of time,” Seokjin whispered, squeezing your heart.

“I know,” you choked. You didn’t have much else to say.

“I just want to make sure we use it to do what you want.”

You loosened your hold on him, astonished by his consideration. The growing bulge under his pants was more than screaming his wants. You felt it ever since the first kiss. But even still, he wanted to accommodate you. Your needs before his.

It just made you fall for him even more.

Reaching down to skim your fingers along his cock straining against his pants, you hovered your lips over his neck. “I want you,” you whispered before descending upon the smooth expanse of skin and earning a groan.

Without warning, Seokjin tightened his arms around you. In one smooth motion, he effortlessly lifted you to straddle his thighs. You didn’t have time to think as he followed up with grabbing your head, pulling you down for another heated kiss. Your fingers latched onto his shoulders, scraping them when he thrust his tongue into your mouth.

“Don’t do that yet,” he grunted, and you didn’t need to ask why after feeling a twitch in his jeans.

You obeyed for the time being, cupping his neck with both hands. When you rolled your body against his, the hard feel of his stomach made you whimper. It was when you settled back on his hardness that your eyes widened. You were sure he was aching despite his silence. Maybe you could help him out a bit. “Jinnie,” you whispered, a firm hand on his chest, “Lie back for me.”

“I love hearing that again,” Seokjin admitted through a content smile, starting a fire across your cheeks. He leaned back after giving you another peck, and you plucked yourself from his thighs to take your shoes off.

But time was your biggest motivator to strip most of your clothes at that moment - not just your boots. Your pants were first, followed by your sweater, and finally your shirt. The whole time, Seokjin stayed propped on his elbows, watching you intently. He couldn’t hide the adoration in his eyes even if he tried. As he watched you stand there in nothing but your set, he smiled. “You’re beautiful.”

“Thank you,” you whispered in return. “Still not as great as you, though.” You started unbuttoning his jeans before he could defend his stance, and he lifted his lower body to help you shrug them off with his underwear. When Seokjin’s thick cock sprung free, your heart jumped at the sight. It had been so long since you felt it, tasted it, rode it. Was he thinking the same? Taking his velvety length in your hand for the first time in a long time, you felt a burst of confidence at its familiarity and his response.

“Baby,” he groaned, running a hand through his hair. “Please.”

You didn’t need another word. At the sound of the familiar pet name, you already started hovering over his cock, admiring how pretty it was before diving in. Licking around the head, you used the slick to glide your mouth far down his shaft, rolling your hand along the bottom to coat the rest.

Seokjin jolted at the sudden pleasure, and you felt a pang in your heart. You wanted him to remember this night. And you were much more experienced than you were before, though you would only get so much time to prove your growth.

Coming up for air, you used your hand to gather the rest of your spit and slide it down his cock, rubbing it a few times before diving down again. The stilted, garbled noises coming from your filled mouth were even getting your own underwear soaked, but they weren’t a match for Seokjin’s. His delicious grunts and moans sent you close to the edge. They were deeper than you remembered, and he wasn’t one to shy away from showing you how turned on and pleasured he was feeling.

The prominent veins of his cock were the roads along which your tongue traveled, and you made sure to love them all in between stuffing him fully in your warm mouth. He was so big, but you wanted to take every inch, tears welling in your eyes with your efforts.

You fought through even when you felt him rock the back of your throat. Seokjin took that moment to sit up, causing tears to leak fully down your cheeks at the deeper thrust. His hands dove into your hair, but he didn’t force your head down. Instead, they tugged you off his cock, and he gazed down lovingly at your wrecked expression. Jin’s voice dipped an octave and came out coated in sin as he asked, “Can you go a little more for me, beautiful?”

Your body tingled on instinct. You nodded and, when he smiled, you gripped his drenched dick in your fingers before descending your mouth onto his balls. Seokjin bucked his hips forward in a jolt as you grinned, lapping at his salty skin and delighting in the tremulous groans rolling down your back. Your hand squeezed the tip of his shaft before you straightened again, taking his cock captive without pause.

“Shit,” he grunted, his long fingers diving into your hair. His hands still didn’t push you down further, oddly, so you took the initiative and plunged down yourself.

The feel of his cock in your mouth was so familiar. It was almost second nature how easily you sucked him off, knowing when to hollow your cheeks and pull him further down the abyss of ecstasy. When to sink further and hum, ripping a delicious sound from his throat. Even when to bob and swirl your head around, effectively shutting down his ability to function.

It was then that you chose to really bring it home. You breathed through your nose as you took more and more of him in, even after you couldn’t breathe anymore. You felt your nose hit this pubic bone, and the long moan you got from Seokjin was worth the burn in your throat. His fingers tightened around your head, but when you came up gasping for air he didn’t stop you.

“Come here,” is all he said, tugging you up to straddle him again. A trail of saliva swung from your lips as you came up, but you paid it no mind. If anything, it added to the building lust inside your bones. Your panties were absolutely drenched by now, so dragging your core along Seokjin’s cock caused both of you to twinge. “Fuck,” he gasped, fueling your heat.

“Jinnie, please,” you whimpered, your voice hoarse. You wanted everything from him at once. You were getting impatient, and the overwhelming time pressure was stressing you the hell out. “I need you, please.”

Suddenly, everything stopped as Seokjin cradled your chin and swiped the spit from your lips. “You have me,” he assured you. “You have all of me.” He kissed your nose. “And you’ll have me for a very long time.”

Relenting, you leaned into his touch. “Now is what I’m concerned about.”

“I know,” he agreed before kissing you again. “I just wanted you to know the rest.”

“Okay,” you whispered before capturing his full lips with your own. When you felt him wrapping his arms around you, your heart leaped into your throat. When you felt him shift the both of you to lower you onto the bed, you already knew fresh tears were waiting behind your eyes.

With great care, Jin slipped your underwear off your smooth legs. Your bra was deftly unhooked next - not without an eyebrow raise from you and a wink from him - and tossed from the bed.

Staring at your naked form, Seokjin appeared completely lost in thought. It got to the point where you felt like covering yourself, but when you attempted to he swiftly denied any insecurity. “Don’t keep this from me,” he whispered. “I want to remember everything.”

You kept it together until then. Something in you broke and you softly choked on a cry. So he was thinking the same as you. This was the last night for a long time.

Starting from your shoulder, he kissed his way down along your neck, your collarbone, your chest. Taking one breast in one hand, he swirled his tongue around the nipple of the other. You gasped from the sudden burst of pleasure, which made Seokjin repeat the motion on the other side. He then lightly sucked on the nipple, releasing it with a small pop.

You wanted to close your eyes and lose yourself in the waves of pleasure he was giving you, making his way down your body. But you wanted to relive this night again and again. So you had to keep your eyes on him. Only him. His mouth’s searing heat as it kissed along your stomach, and the stark cold left behind when he moved on. His soft touch as he gently pried your legs open, and dark, lust-filled eyes as he stared at your dripping entrance. You wanted to remember the way he kissed along your legs, nipping in some places to make you gasp. The way his beautiful lips connected with your heat in a reverent kiss before his tongue explored inside. Each flick of his tongue, squeeze of his fingers on your legs, noise from his lips. How you loved him through every second of him worshipping you.

As soon as he brought his fingers up to caress your folds while sucking on your clit, you had to stop him. It was too much. You wanted to feel him when you broke.

Seokjin wordlessly obeyed as he crawled above you. You pulled him down for a kiss, not caring how he tasted. Your hands then went to his shoulders as he positioned himself at your entrance.

“Are you still…”

“Yes,” you nodded, touched that he remembered. “I’m still on it.”

“Okay.” He swooped down to capture your lips, and when you clenched your fingers around his shoulders, he grunted. “Are you okay to take it all?”

“Go slow. For now,” you said, earning a nod. “It’s been awhile.”

Seokjin’s gaze was heavy as he prepared himself. “Same.”

At the initial push, you whooshed out a gasp. It had been way too long since you’d been with someone. The intrusion indeed hurt. Maybe you should have let him prep you more, in hindsight. But Seokjin was nothing but tender as he waited for you to adjust. Once you were okay, he steadily pushed out and in again, going deeper. Slowly but surely, you were able to fully take him in.

And the feel of him completely inside you was nothing like you’ve felt before. It was comfort. It was home. It was a perfect fit, and you wanted to stay like that forever.

“God,” Seokjin groaned, “I don’t want to leave this room.”

You chuckled, rolling your hips. “Hmm, pussy or Harvard. That’s a pretty tough one.”

“If it’s yours, Harvard can wait,” Seokjin grunted before sending your thoughts spiraling with a huge thrust. You outright whined at him, but he pulled out only to spear you again with one long motion. “You still like it rough, baby?”

Chills cascaded down your spine and pooled at the apex of your toes. This was the Seokjin you were waiting for. You wondered if he was still into that after witnessing everything he was doing for you beforehand. But oh, were you ready for the pivot. “Fuck, yes,” you moaned. “You know I do.”

“You still have your word?”

“Carousel, yes.”

“Good girl.” That was all Seokjin needed. Grabbing the top of the headboard behind you, he launched into a rough and relentless pace that had you seeing stars. You felt so full, yet so weightless as you let your body go limp. The feel of Seokjin’s cock slamming into you repeatedly would continue to exist for months after tonight, the ridges of it sliding along your walls never forgotten entirely. You needed as much as he could give, and he knew that.

Gripping one of your legs, he hauled it over his sweat-slicked shoulder and tilted himself to reach a deeper position, twisting his reddened face to plant kisses on your ankle. Mewl after mewl tumbled from your lips at the deep thrusts.

“Touch yourself for me, baby,” Jin commanded while still pounding into you, and you wouldn’t dream of disobeying. Your fingers went straight for your jiggling breasts, teasing your nipples and tugging them for his blown out eyes. You moaned, and smirked when you saw Seokjin beginning to lose himself.

His tell was his scrunched eyebrows, and his eyes shifting down to watch his cock ram into your tight cunt. You still knew, after years.

You fell into complete ecstasy when he reached down with his free hand to rub your clit between your bodies, loving the way the veins in his arms protruded. Imagining licking along them all made you moan. And you didn’t care if the people around you heard. All of your mewls, moans, whines - they were all for Jin. He could have all of you again and again.

After one particularly deep thrust, he tugged his cock out, leaving your walls fluttering around an agonizing emptiness. “Turn around. On your knees.”

“Holy fuck, yes,” you rasped. He wasn’t letting the night go to waste at all.

Before you even assumed the next position, you felt a hand come down on your ass. The smack jolted you forward in pain, with pleasure settling in its wake.

“So pretty,” Seokjin whispered, ghosting his hand over the spot he spanked. He gave it another smack before gripping your ass cheeks apart. You assumed he was roving his eyes over your drenched core. “And still so wet.”

“Just for you,” you affirmed.

“Just for me,” he repeated before adjusting his knees on the bed to get closer. “But you might be too loud tonight, baby. I’m going to need silence from you this time.”

Shit. You were never, ever good at this part. But you nodded. What you weren’t expecting right away was the initial stroke to be rough, right down to the hilt. You cried out immediately, earning you a harsh spank.

Seokjin’s sudden laugh made you chuckle in embarrassment. He breathily joked, “Out of practice?”

“Something like that,” you admitted, your elbows and grin lost in the sheets. “I’m rusty.”

“Okay, let’s just do this then.” Jin leaned forward, stretching over you. You groaned at the feel of his solid chest on your soft back, your eyes rolling into your head feeling him completely mold into you for a moment. He got a fluffy pillow from the other side of the bed and let your head rest on it. “Can you bite this for me, my love?”

The new name spread wildfire across your face. “Yes. That I can do,” you assured him. When you had the material securely in your mouth, you nodded to signal he could continue.

“Good girl.” And continue Seokjin did. He went right back into the dominant Jin he loved being, and the one you loved being with. There was no mercy in his thrusts, stroke after stroke after stroke. If you lifted your back a little or lowered your butt, he smacked your supple flesh and corrected you instantly. “Ass up, baby.”

With Jin’s relentless pace, your body went limp and hung on by a thread. Loosening up allowed for even more of his cock, and your muffled moans started getting louder the closer and closer you got to the edge. You could feel your core tightening, threatening to unleash the pent up tension.

“That’s it, beautiful,” Seokjin praised, feeling your walls squeeze around him. “Do you want to come like this?”

You hastily shook your head. You wanted to see him when you came. And if you remembered correctly, he loved seeing your face when it happened, as well.

“Too bad,” he chuckled darkly, and you almost came undone right then. “Guess you’ll have to come again the way you want to later.” Reaching under you, he toyed with your clit as he kept the pace from behind.

You let go of the pillowcase as you kicked your head back in a moan, your saliva trail slowly gravitating toward the sheets. Seokjin only let you breathe for a second before pushing your head back down into the thin material. “Make noise again and you won’t come at all.”

Fuck. You bit hard into the pillow, tears forming at the corners of your eyes as you felt yourself losing control. His fingers felt divine on your bundle of nerves, his dick sliding through your folds over and over and over. The hand he placed on your head smoothed over your hair before bunching it and tugging. You reared back, dots swimming in your vision. “God, I want to choke you. Can I do that, my love?”

You released the pillow from your mouth again. His consideration was top notch tonight. Too much? You couldn’t decide or really care. “Yes, just do it. Do anything. Please. I’m so close.”

“Mm. Then cover your mouth.” Before you could follow his command, Seokjin pulled you up by a shoulder to be flush against his front. Sweat coated your back and your ass, causing you to slide down his chiseled stomach while speared on his cock. A strong hand wrapped around your throat, and the fingers that were teasing your clit mercilessly now ventured into the front of your folds.

One of your hands shot up to clamp over your mouth right before you let out a long groan. You loved when he took control, and when he lost control. If both happened at the same time, it was heaven.

You could barely last on your knees as his dick slammed up into you repeatedly. The hand around your airway was tight but only just, his praises in your ear being the real culprit of your stolen breath. Your pussy clenched harshly around his length, and you knew from the tight coil in your body that you were seconds from euphoria.

Seokjin felt it instantly. “Come, baby.” And as soon as he relinquished your throat did you give in, waves of pleasure coursing through you and a white burn shimmering in your lungs. It seemed endless. Ripple after ripple thrummed through your body, your joints slowly unlocking from their initial freeze. Behind you, Seokjin groaned and sang sweet nothings in your ear, his arms wrapping around your chest in a scorching embrace.

The high ebbed, but did not completely recede. You knew Jin still needed release, so you kissed his wrist next to your shoulder and whispered, “I want to see you now.”

“Whatever you need.” Seokjin slowly unsheathed himself, and you felt a slight pain. You watched as he positioned his back on the headboard. He knew what you wanted to do.

You made your way over to him and hovered over his length. Locking your hazy eyes with his dark set, you kissed him lazily as you languidly sank back onto him. Seokjin groaned when you didn’t use your hand as a guide beforehand. And frankly, that turned you on, too.

“You’re so tight still,” he grunted, his hands coming up and grabbing your ass before settling on your hips.

You rolled your hips before finding a rhythm. “You’re just big,” you mock complained, earning a deep chuckle.

“Aww. You sound. So. Sad,” he teased, thrusting up into you to punctuate each word. Your mewls were welcome now since he was done with his role. Now he could just sit back and enjoy your show for him. And occasionally torture you.

You found your rhythm again, rougher with him now with your hands in his dark, sweaty locks. One of your hands dropped onto his chest and raked down his breast, eliciting a higher moan than normal.

The sound caused heat to pool between your legs again, and you upped the pace. Your thighs burned from the exertion, but you kept yourself distracted by diving into Jin’s neck and nipping in multiple places. His arms left your hips to wrap around your back, and your breath faltered as he took over again.

Seokjin was close. He was always close when his limbs locked hard into place. His upward thrusts were fast and hard, and you could only moan in his ear and take him in. The coil that released once tonight was tightening again, and you murmured in his ear that you were close.

Seokjin only needed to kiss you like his life depended on it for you to unravel again. The wave was weaker than last time, but it could still cover mountains. Your head felt light, dancing above the clouds with no intention of coming down. You pushed yourself from his lips, allowing him to see your flushed chest and reddened cheeks. The second orgasm faded and loosened your limbs, but your heart felt completely connected to his, your soul nestled into the comfort of his tender embrace. “I love you,” you sighed, and you immediately felt a huge twitch between your folds.

“Lie down, baby. I’m close.”

“It’s okay,” you whispered, cradling his cheek. “Come inside me, Jinnie. I wanna feel you.”

“Shit,” he grunted. His thrusts descended into madness. Your heart rattled at the sight of his dusted red cheeks, sweaty neck, heaving chest. He was the most beautiful man you’d ever seen, and the one you would overturn stars to find should you ever lose him again.

When he gazed down at your joined sex, you took in the wet strands of hair on his forehead. When he kicked his head back against the headboard to look at you with lidded eyes, you bit your swollen lips. This wonderful man was your lover, your ex, your friend, and now your lover again. Only this time, you truly loved him back. And you wanted to think back to this moment forever.

Tears sprung into your eyes as he pulled you in for a searing kiss, and his orgasm released into you in spurts. The thrusts he made then were slow and powerful, and your body bobbed with the swells. You kissed him harder than necessary, almost willing to bruise your own lips on his. The longer you held his lips captive, the longer he couldn’t see your sorrow.

But Seokjin already felt the drops ping his chest. He just let you cry because that’s what you needed. Even when he broke from the kiss, he never said a word. He trailed kisses along your wet cheeks, your sweaty nose, and your glistening forehead. His poignant visage held nothing but stars, and it reminded you of the night you fell in love, crushing your spirit ever more.

Touch after touch after touch only coaxed more tears from your eyes. It felt never ending as you sat spent in his lap, still on his softening length. Sheer willpower was what caused you to finally speak, your voice hoarse, “We should clean up. You still need to pack and sleep.”

“We should, and I do,” he whispered. He patted your bum. “Can you get up by yourself?”

You nodded before extracting yourself from his firm thighs, lamenting the fact that human bodies had limits. As you waddled to the bathroom, you stumbled along the way, Seokjin softly chuckled while following you and steadying you when needed. Even when you shot empty glares at him, the smile in his eyes never left.

The rest of your time spent in his room consisted of silence and kisses. Ever the gentleman, he let you lie down on his bed while he used the other half for the bags to pack. It didn’t take him too long since he was organized from the jump, so when he was done he cleared the bed and joined you under the covers. When you felt a weight on your stomach, you looked down to see your camera dumped on the comforter.

Seokjin wrapped a strong arm behind your neck. “What do you call naked pictures taken with a Polaroid?”

“Oh, no.” You turned your head to face him. “What?”

“Just pictures. But that’s old nudes.”

You punished him by attacking his sides instantly, yanking a batch of honky laughs from him. Knowing your own weaknesses still, he unleashed his own parry, and it took a minute for the both of you to settle in a draw.

“Don’t tell me the only reason you brought this into the bed was to tell that horrid joke,” you chuckled, your head back to resting in your pillow.

“Nope. I wanna take one of us.”

After getting past all seven of your objections and excuses, Seokjin whittled your walls down and got you to agree. The end product existed on the last film in your Polaroid: a crooked snapshot of him kissing your cheek as you smiled with creased eyes, sheets held against your chest. And he conceded in letting you keep it after watching you clutch it lovingly in your fingers.

You immediately sought comfort in his embrace after setting the photo next to your phone on the nightstand, and he stole multiple kisses from you way after your eyes couldn’t stay open any longer.

“Get some sleep, my love,” Seokjin whispered.

And despite your sound of protest, you were pulled into the abyss of sleep right as you felt pillowy lips caress your forehead.

Rin-Rin [6:40am]: You’re lucky I love you. I packed your stuff and left out an outfit for you when you come down. Just don’t be late or I’ll drag you back down myself :)))

Jiminie [6:45am]: RISE N SHINE LOVEBIRDS

Rin-Rin [6:46am]: Oh, yeah, I may or may not have texted Jimin.

Jiminie [6:46am]: ABOUT TIME

Jiminie [6:46am]: !!!

Tae [6:47am]: jimins scream woke me up. i can only assume that means ill get to be an uncle soon. dont let me down i want this(:

Joonie [6:48am]: Aaaaaaaaaa !!!

Jiminie [6:48am]: And I know you want to yell at me for yesterday so I am ready for that whenever you are

Kook [6:50am]: <3

You smiled at your texts before locking your phone. Seokjin was already up and about, making sure everything was packed and accounted for. When he saw you stirring, he came over and surprised you with a kiss so deep that it revitalized your sagging emotional state. “Morning,” you chuckled, swinging your sore legs out of the sheets and wincing at the cold. “I need to head back down.”

“Yeah, Rin already sent the first round of threats. I’ll see you at the car, okay?”

You pecked him on the cheek after you slipped on your boots and grabbed your Polaroid. Stepping into the hallway, you kept reminding yourself to not completely lose it yet. There was still a whole car ride you got to have with him, and you were determined to slow down time however you could.

Your phone buzzed again, and you assumed Yoongi and Hoseok were just now waking up and getting the gossip. Checking your notifications only validated your guess.

Hobi [6:52am]: AHHHHH HAPPY FOR U~!!!

Hobi [6:52am]: ASLSKDJSKDHSKDJ

Yoongi [6:53am]: I’ll make sure to drag him back sometimes. It’s ludicrous to say that we’d never see him again. Drama queen. Anyways, happy for you. If you need anything, let me know.

Hobi [6:53am]: we’ll see seokjinnie again love. and if u miss him a lot then we can make sure you see him. im sure he’ll be missing u too

How you were able to win the friend lottery and meet these people, you had no clue. But you weren’t going to ever question the fact. All you would do was embrace your blessings and love them.

The car ride to the airport was long, but still much too short for your liking. Between the loving gazes you directed at Seokjin as he sang along to Taehyung’s music, the looks full of mirth Jimin gave the both of you from the backseat, and the laughter of both Rin and Taehyung, you were the happiest you’ve felt in a very long time.

Throughout the ride, you got the feeling that you were going to be okay. Seokjin was starting an insane adventure, but you were also going to be there every step of the way. Not just on the polaroid he decided to stash in his bag, but in his heart and on his mind like Namjoon said around the fire.

There were still plenty of ways to see each other and communicate. And since he technically didn’t start until next summer, that gave you plenty of time to see him before then. The many possibilities made you question your hesitation in the first place.

But none of that diminished how much of a struggle it was still going to be.

When the car rolled to a stop in the airport parking lot, your chest constricted. When everyone got their bags out of the cars and started the trek to the shuttles, your hands shook on your straps. As soon as everyone started saying their byes and separating to check into their airlines, you found it hard to breathe.

But a tender hand brushed through your hair, and plush lips connected with your forehead. In an instant, you felt okay again.

Seokjin’s calm voice slipped over your features. “Your flight leaves in two hours, right?” When you nodded, he continued, “Okay. Come shop with me before I have to go to my gate!”

You tried your best to keep a positive attitude while you watched Jin peruse different airport stores. When he would hold stuff up for you to approve, you would smile or dramatically turn things down. Even the cute neck pillow he really wanted got the dreaded rejection.

But that was only so you could pay for it when he wasn’t looking and surprise him. The huge laugh and grin you got in return was worth the trouble.

When it was time for Seokjin to head to his gate, you brought him in for a crushing hug. “Let me know when you land,” you demanded.

“Of course, honey,” he said through a smile.

“‘Honey,’ now?” You regarded him with a raised eyebrow. “You have so many nicknames for me. I can’t keep up. Do you have a favorite you could stick with?”

Seokjin rested his chin on your head. “Ah, I have a favorite. But it’s not true yet, so I shouldn’t use it.”

A fire ignited in your heart, the flames warming you from the inside. “And which one is that?”

“Would you look at the time!” Jin’s body heat left you in a rush as he stepped away, and your instinctual pout made him laugh outright. He cupped your chin for a kiss that rocked your whole being before pulling away. His eyes held galaxies in them when he stared into yours. “Guess you’ll have to wait for the answer to that one.”

“You’re a jerk, Jinnie,” you huffed, but you kissed him again. “You’re lucky I love you.”

“I really am. And I love you,” he responded. His hand came down to squeeze yours before he had to part. “I’ll let you know when I make it. Call me when you get home, okay?”

“Okay,” you replied, and you watched his long strides with a heavy heart and a hopeful mind.

As you told yourself again and again, you were going to be okay. It was going to be tough, it was going to be absolutely painful. But as long as you decided to keep loving each other, everything would work out.

You knew better than anyone that love was a choice. And for Seokjin, you would choose it a thousand times over.

And besides, the current state of technology was on your side. The possibilities of communication were too endless for you to dwell on the distance. Were there going to be days in which you only received one text? Most likely. Were there going to be weeks where you weren’t going to hear much from Seokjin at all? Definitely. But this time, unlike last time, you welcomed every bit of it. Your heart built a bridge to his that defied any sense of physical distance. On opposite sides, both of you were achieving success in your own ways. In the end, you would always come back to each other to celebrate together. Even though this was the last November trip you had with Seokjin, it was the beginning of many, many wonderful years to come.

It was later, while you were waiting for your own flight to finish boarding, that a message was sent to your phone.

Jinnie [12:04pm]: Attachment: 1 Image

You couldn’t help but grin. As you gazed lovingly at the picture of Seokjin smiling next to your polaroid, another one came in before you could respond.

Jinnie [12:05pm]: Until you’re really next to me, this will have to do. Don’t get too jealous!

You laughed to yourself, rolling your eyes while setting the image as your wallpaper. Locking your phone, you tapped the glass to see your screen light up, observing the picture again.

On a plane heading to another city entirely, Seokjin was doing the exact same thing. Except in his case, he was smiling down at a girl caught in mid-laughter, body aglow from the bright yellow lights of a spinning carousel behind her.

a/n: whewww so if you made it to the end, hi! i seriously enjoyed writing this and i learned so much. it’s my first fic and first huge one-shot, so if you have any comments/concerns/constructive feedback, please let me know! my ask box is always open, too. lastly, here is my m.list if you want to browse! 🌨🌨🌨 ++ feedback box (added nov. 25th, 2021): ⇥ of course, any reblogs/comments/messages are appreciated! ⇥ for the ones that aren’t okay with reblogging with a review, commenting on this, or sending a message, i went ahead and made another anonymous form where you can send in what you think! ⇥ no emails collected, no need to put in a username. it’s literally just a feedback dropbox :D ⇥ here! ++ ⇥ masterlist

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talenlee · 2 years ago

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Story Pile: Shikimori's not Just A Cutie

2022 was a year for extensive arguing about different varieties of Best Girl, what with Yor Forger, Marin Kitagawa, Bridget and probably some more I’m not remembering right now. One of the dark horse entries, based almost entirely in my friendscape’s reaction to the thirteen seconds in a trailer where she pulls a mean face, is Shikimori-san from Shikimori’s Not Just A Cutie.

People make fun of light novel anime titles having huge explanations for the entirety of the story you’re buying into but you know, I think that Shikimori’s Not Just A Cutie is basically the same thing. It’s a romance anime from mostly the perspective of a tragically failure-prone boy dojikko (dojibro) who at the start of the series is dating Shikimori. She is a cutie, and also there’s a bit more to her.

Just a bit.

First up you have to know that there’s no grand twist here, there’s no sudden revelation that she’s a magical girl or a secret survivalist or something like that. I thought it’d be funny if the twist was that she was actually like, Black Widow, some sort of secret government assassin choosing to be a cool ordinary girl, like Hannah But Girlfriend or something, but nope. It’s not that, it’s just that she is also good at sports and physically very adept. In base archetype terms, if you’ve ever seen the Dark Prince archetype of a dude in romantic anime, you know, the kind of threatening-hot, commanding type of guy? Yeah, she’s that kinda guy.

And then almost nothing happens across twelve episodes.

Nothing!

N o t h i n g.

In twelve episodes, the ‘events’ that transpire that influence the characters include a school festival where nothing really goes wrong, two sports days in which nothing much goes wrong, a girl realising she had a crush on Shikimori’s boyfriend and never acted on it, and a holiday to a river. There’s no long form myth arc or challenging content, you can easily stop paying attention and miss nothing too important, and a lot of the series is spent setting up opportunities for Shikimori to do something cool or cute and get shown doing that.

It isn’t bad it’s just that the thing it wants me to focus on seems the kind of thing that’s meant to be happening while something else is happening. It’s so remarkably absent of friction and event that I started wondering if that was the point. And that’s why I wind up watching this series trying to find other things to look at. What it’s really about. What it’s not talking about, what it’s only implying.

There’s a thread of invisible queerness running through this story, based on the fact that it seems everybody is overwhelmed by how hot and cool Shikimori is. Other girls stare at her and remark on how amazing she is, and there’s even a moment later on, where to protect Izumi, she just smiles and does the ‘shh’ gesture at another girl, resulting in that girl getting a full eyecatch level of ‘oh my god she’s so hot’ kind of reaction, arrow through the heart, big screen freeze frame, whole deal. Girls fawn over girls in this series, with a lot of physical closeness and fixation on their appeal. Izumi’s mother flirts with her and the story points that out.

There’s a section of the story that’s about a second girl who, the story says, has a crush on Izumi, but the way she expresses this is pinning him to a bookshelf and wanting to know everything about how cool Shikimori is, which doesn’t sound like very straight behaviour, y’know. Put a pin in this we’ll come back to it.

Essentially, Shikimori is presented as being the dream girl for everyone around her. Even the other girls. She’s so attractive, she’s so cool, and she starts the series already in a relationship with Izumi, which means you don’t have to find out how this soggy biscuit of a boy who fails at everything and gets hurt winds up dating the Girl All The Girls Want (though, you know, they do go back and show you). The cast is overwhelmingly women – there are something like three boys in total, and every girl who meets Shikimori is charmed by how cool and hot she is, which sure makes it seem like this isn’t just a bunch of bisexual characters, but a bisexual world where the assumption is that everyone in the world likes girls, and that’s just natural.

But that’s not the only kind of queerness that hovers around the story; there are a few points where Izumi compares Shikimori to a hot guy — even aloud, to his friends, where he wonders ‘where that hot dude came from.’ Shikimori’s backstory looks back on a childhood where she was a martial-arts doing tomboy raised by an aggressive older brother, who she wanted to compete with and defeat. Then, she has her eyes opened by shojo manga, and realises how much she wants to feel like these characters, and then does a full training montage of her choosing to become this beautiful girl Shikimori. She updates her wardrobe, she works out, she starts studying how to be a girl. The whole sequence is a set of pills in a montage sequence away from being a sort of speed-running gender transition effect. It’s not that but the structure that sequence pours into is the choice of becoming a gender.

But let’s not talk just about the general vision of queerness in terms of the more obvious categories I talk about all the time, but instead the really strange way it handles its ‘love triangle.’ Note that there’s no actual love triangle; Shikimori is dating Izumi, and Izumi finds out there’s a girl, Kamiya, who had a crush on him and never acted on it. There’s this really weird sequence there, where the story holds its breath and you may imagine that it’s about to do something like, a conflict, but instead the conflict is about whether or not there will be a conflict.

Basically, Kamiya doesn’t quite go to explain her feelings to Izumi. That’s the thing she’s building up to doing, and instead winds up meeting on the rooftop to talk with Shikimori… who then thanks her for not doing it, for showing that she’s willing to take that hit for kindness’ sake, Shikimori hugs her, and is a cool princely type, who reassures her about her feelings, and

Right, that’s it

Right?

Except the next episode is Shikimori and Kamiya going on a date. Oh sure, it’s just gals being pals, just where Kamiya explains to Shikimori whether she’s a top or bottom and Shikimori winning her prizes in crane games and then playing basketball with her to defeat again some weirdly hot delinquents. It’s super weird because the story had set things up so that Kamiya could just walk on out now, she’s done her bit, she’s had her introduction, her development episode, then there’s a whole episode dedicated to her and Shikimori going out on what is definitely a date and Kamiya reflecting on how this helps her deal with her heartache.

Girl, you just have another crush now!

But I’m the one bringing that to bear here. All of it. The polyamry, the bisexuality, the eerie silhouette of Shikimori’s relationship to her gender being that of an AFAB trans woman. Because sure, this is all about answering the question ‘what is this implying,’ but I’m the person answering it.Because left to its own devices, one of the big things this series is implying is that it’s Japanese.

All this stuff, the gendersy stuff, the queer stuff, that makes sense to me, because I grew up in a repressive environment where you couldn’t tell someone you wanted to kiss a boy because of the potential ramifications and that meant any exploration of that had to be done with the most timid of hidden signals and ambiguities. Thing is, I don’t think that anime is being made with the mindsets of a millenial Australian from a church school, and what I see is perhaps much more reasonably represented by them making a series about being a Japanese teenager, and the way that gender is policed and patrolled there.

If you look at the work as presented, this is the heroic story of a tomboyish girl who after much struggle, resolves to commit to the task of becoming a completely standard, iconically represented example of a woman as her culture determines she should be. It’s not a challenging story, and in a lot of ways it’s about the triumphant overcoming of self-image that lets a girl who was already awesome in one way graduate into the most conformist image of being A Girlfriend.

The way the show is so empty of conflict, and so light on its challenge means that if you’re not bringing one of these other lenses to bear on the story, if you’re not looking for headcanons to adjust, then the story seems to be trying to shape itself to resist an absence of struggle, to show how hard it can be, how triumphant it must be for a young girl to transform herself into a romance manga prize. It says that you can be a girly girl who studies and is cute in the most conventionally feminine aesthetic as already allowed, as long as you recognise that that’s the thing you should be.

It’s Liberal Centrist Girl Utena.

Now that may sound like I think this show sucks, but I really don’t. I think that there are a lot of different ways to turn this lens to see how you feel about it, but where it’s inescapable that it is itself, and anything else is something you bring to it. And when you consider what it is, on its own, regardless of how you choose to see the world or the characters, I did still like watching this fluffy nothing of an anime. Maybe it’s just because the fluffy nothing it seems to think is relaxing and fun is stuff I genuinely like things to see stories choose to be about: Working together, building friendships, and weirdly homoerotic hangouts with hot delinquent girls!

It’s kind of like watching a shounen series in that you tune in to watch some basic setup and then the moment when the hero shows up and punches someone real good, except the thing you’re waiting for is seeing how Shikimori shows off how absolutely freaking cool she is this time. That’s all an episode needs, because, uh, Shikimori is incredibly cool and seeing her do cool things is also very cool.

There’s also something to be said for the point the series wraps up. The finale that most romance anime build towards is some progression of a romance to the next level – a commitment, a marriage, or sometimes, a first kiss. In Shikimori’s Not Just A Cutie, it does build up to a date between Izumi and Shikimori in which yes, a kiss is made and the two talk about their feelings and how they want to be together, and that date is really charming. There’s one thing in it that I like in particular, where they see the queue for the dark ride they want to get on is about ninety minutes. They queue up and start talking, and then we see a montage of them progressing through the line for the whole duration of that wait; talking to one another, gesturing animatedly, discussing things, joking and laughing all while around them, other people are just bobbing along.

It’s a really lovely sequence for representing a really true feeling for me, where doing nothing with the person you care about can feel great; where what you want to spend your time doing is being in the place with that person, talking to them, understanding them, and you can’t be bored because you’re both there and you have the energy and will to just… talk. It’s a really sweet moment, and I liked it a lot.

Shikimori’s Not Just A Cutie is a gentle toothless anime about nice people being nicely into one another not because I’m missing anything or because there’s something even deeper that I’m missing. It’s literally the point, it’s what this genre of anime and manga is about, it’s what it’s for, it’s just that thanks to the way marketing works, I don’t tend to see stuff in this genre unless it has some other reason to escape its generally accepted orbit, like Don’t Toy With Me, Miss Nagatoro or Horimiya.

I make fun of Hallmark genre movies. I make fun of them because they’re toothless, anemic, don’t tend to have a meaningful follow-through on the narrative they’re presenting, rely on tired tropes and fixate on the perspective of boomer grandparents who want to watch people their millenial kids’ age that make them feel young but not too young. And all those things are totally valid things to criticise them for. Mixed in amongst those criticisms, though, there’s this recurrent thought that hey, these things are just nice stories for people who want nice stories. They lack bite and edge because I want those things in a story, and these things are just relative.

Sometimes you can fall into a subgroup’s media and not realise that the things that you think are problems are here, the point.

Check it out on PRESS.exe to see it with images and links!

#Media #StoryPile #Anime

#Anime

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peaches-writes · 4 years ago

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how to appease your asian aunties ch. 1 - christmas

description: in the immortal words of wine aunts and aunts you’re not even related to but forced to call your aunt at gatherings, ‘do you have a boyfriend?’ member: jisung / han genre: fluff, fake dating au, implied rich kids au, eventual childhood / best friends to lovers au, college au, implied fem reader (but i still used they/them pronouns) word count: 7.5k chapter warning: food, drinking, explicit language, one comment about weight note: insp by a twt meme + this is my first attempt at making a story with parents having a bigger role in them omg

ch. 2 // ch. 3 // series masterlist

Though you’re a semester away from graduating college, with your own circles of friends, clubmates, and close classmates, you still can’t understand why your mom and her sorority batchmates feel the need to have reunion parties every single year. Maybe it’s the product of growing connectivity in this modern age or just simply your wide age gap preventing you from having the same nostalgic feelings attending these dinners; nevertheless, ever since your mom started bringing you to these parties to socialize with her friends’ children when you were four, you've always personally found it a bit troublesome.

They see each other at mall sales, weekend brunches, weddings, birthdays, and anniversaries all the time—a lot of them even work closely with each other. For as long as you can remember, you can’t help but endlessly wonder in this time of year: will they ever get tired of each other?

As you adjust your coat over your semi-formal attire for this year’s dinner party, you sigh in front of the full-length mirror by your house’s front doors and mentally conclude that they probably never will. This is your 19th reunion dinner now and even from meters away in the kitchen, you can hear your mom fuss to your dad and the helpers either worriedly about the desserts that everyone in the house (and your nearest restaurant branch) was forced to bake two nights ago; or excitedly about seeing her college best friend, Mrs. Hwang, even if they literally just dragged their respective families to the monthly brunch last weekend—like she always does minutes before you leave. She always sounds like a crazed woman but you know deep inside that she’s excited to see her friends again and reminisce about the same old college memories you’ve even memorized by heart now.

It’s cute and all, maybe you’ll even end up the same in a decade or so but you swear at present on the dinner menu tonight that the more you spend your first day of Christmas break attending these dinners, the more you’ll slowly lose your mind over this unofficial holiday tradition: from your mom’s dramatic ramblings at the start of the night to the prospect of spending the rest of the evening laughing off your unofficial aunts and godmothers’ unnecessary backhanded comments and trying not to get caught in the trouble the younger children make.

It really just isn’t exactly your type of scene. It’s like family Christmas parties but with more passive-aggressive internalized drama since you’re not related to any of the guests by blood.

“Y/N, dear, come along now, we’re running late!” Your mom scolds you as she approaches your direction to the double doors, carrying cupcake caddies and cake boxes with your dad and your six house helpers. She’s wearing the dress you helped pick out last month, you observe, which is another tradition of hers. Rich people and not wanting to be seen wearing the same clothes twice, you guess. “Oh dear, I need to fix my hair in the car!”

You take one last look at yourself in the mirror before sprinting to the doors and helping your dad open them. You also take a couple of boxes from one of the helpers as you all pile outside, letting everyone pass through before closing the doors behind you.

The nine of you then head to your dad’s Ford you parked outside the house gates earlier this afternoon, loading the everything in the back of the car without much difficulty before parting ways with the helpers for tonight with the same house instructions from your mom to not wait up for the three of you.

“Bye!” Your mom waves at your helpers through the rolled down windows on the front passenger seat as your dad begins to drive away from the house.

Once your house begins growing smaller in the distance behind you, only then does your mom attend to her hair while your dad closes all the windows and locks the doors.

You, on the other hand, lean back in your own seat, taking out your phone to pass the ten minutes travel time to one of your godmothers, Mrs. Kim’s house in the adjacent subdivision.

“Y/M/N! Y/F/N! Welcome!” Mrs. Kim greets you at her house gates with her own mini army of house helpers, kindly helping you and your parents unload your party contributions and transfer them inside her recently renovated kitchen. “Oh, Y/N! Look at you, you look so beautiful tonight!”

You smile politely through the wave of compliments and ‘oh you gained a bit of weight’ comments that follow as you try your best to not to trip over the slippery marble steps leading to the house. Contrary to what your mom has been worrying about earlier at home, you eventually discover that you’re fairly early to the party for the 19th year in a row with only half of the families already in attendance to greet you when you entered the house.

“Y/N, all the teenagers are upstairs on the second floor, by the way.” Mrs. Kim informs you once your cupcakes have been neatly organized in the caddies at the very end of the buffet table, making you cringe internally at her preferred term for you and the other older kids in the house. “Dinner is at 7:30.”

“Thank you, auntie.” You smile one last time at her before excusing yourself to go upstairs, sighing internally in relief that her son, Seungmin, has smartly gathered everyone upstairs for the third year in a row to avoid the aunts and uncles for as much as possible.

You’re not completely fond of the parties, sure, but you can’t deny that there are little parts that have unconsciously grown on you—like your unlikely band of childhood friends and your shared hatred for this particular party.

Climbing up the slippery staircase as fast as you can with a death grip on the railings, you reach the second floor in no time to be greeted by six out of the eight people you’ve sort of grown up with in these parties occupying the common area: Felix and Hyunjin having a Wii dance battle in front of the television, Seungmin and Minho having a violent game of UNO on the coffee table, and Ryujin and Yeji scrolling through their phones on the sofa before abandoning them to approach you at noticing your presence by the staircase.

“Y/N!” Ryujin calls you in as she reaches you first for a brief hug and a short exchange of compliments on each other’s outfits, as if you didn’t just meet at one of your shared class’ Christmas parties yesterday. Though all of you attend the same university, you see Ryujin the most since you’re in the same college, just in different departments. “So nice to see you again!”

“Yeah, yeah, hello to you too again.” You chuckle, more genuinely now in the company of party guests you’re actually comfortable with, before waving hello at Yeji who trails behind.

Yeji then naturally hugs you next, pulling you a few steps away from the staircase so the two of you don’t topple over when she leans her weight on you. “Y/N, took you long enough!” She says next to your ear. “Hyunjin and I were starting to make bets if the aunties suddenly trapped you downstairs like Chan and Miyoung.”

You hug her back with equal force, a little more than you did with Ryujin, pulling away after to playfully slap her arm for the teasing comment. “I’d sell my arm first before I let that happen.” You retort as the two of you laugh. “I just helped set up desserts—mom made us do an extra two boxes of brownies and cookies this year so you better get a lot later!”

“Of course, but only if you eat a lot of the spaghetti my mom made!” She reminds, kindly fixing your hair for you. “I missed you! You look so pretty tonight!”

Behind the two girls, the boys also greet you in scattered casual ‘hi’s and ‘hello’s before going back to their own activities. You greet them back as they acknowledge you (and even reciprocate Felix’s long-distance high five mid-dance), crossing off everyone’s names in your mental attendance list as your gaze wanders around the room.

Since Chan is busy being a grown-up and showing off his fiance downstairs, you conclude that only one person is missing among your eight friends.

“Ya, Han Jisung!” As if on cue, the missing eighth person in your list emerges from the staircase behind you as Minho calls his name. “Welcome back!”

Jisung greets everyone back in their second wave of scattered greetings as he walks to Minho and Seungmin’s direction, purposely acknowledging you last by suddenly turning around and walking backwards to send a wave and wink your way. He almost trips over the long ruffles of the big accent carpet as he does this, making you, Yeji, and Ryujin laugh as the only witnesses.

“Oh my God.” You place a hand to your forehead in secondhand embarrassment, stifling your laughs as your best friend regains his balance and looks behind him in case anyone else saw (which, unfortunately for you, they didn’t). You can’t believe that despite missing last year’s party because of his study abroad program’s strict schedule, he still manages to do his ritual clumsy carpet accident somehow. “This dumbass, I swear.”

In front of you, Jisung only laughs it off as well. “You didn’t see that!” He adjusts his coat with one hand and scratches the nape of his neck with the other in between laughs, walking forward to you properly after with his arms extended for a hug. “Stop laughing and come here, ugly. I missed you.”

You feign a scowl but hug him back anyway, Yeji and Ryujin slyly stepping away with knowing smiles that only you can see with Jisung’s eyes turned away. You stick your tongue out at the two girls as they abandon you and walk back to the sofa before slapping Jisung’s back harshly for the familiar insult. “Speak for yourself, you ugly. I missed you too.” You reply to his latter comment with an amused chuckle of your own. “How are you?”

“Better now that I’m seeing you in person again.” He pulls away after with his signature flirty smirk, visibly eyeing you up and down now while his hands are still on your upper arms. Though he knows such gesture irks you, especially when it comes to the aunts and uncles downstairs, Jisung is the only one among your friends confident enough to tease you this way. Knowing each other a bit longer than everyone else has its perks, he’s come to realize over the years. “Look at you, all dressed up tonight. For me?”

“Of course I’m all dressed up tonight, it’s Chan’s engagement announcement later.” You retort, swatting his hand away to adjust your now wrinkled clothes. “You’ve known me for twenty years, already; I think it’s time to stop assuming I’ll ever dress up for you now.”

He only shakes his head, his teasing and lighthearted mood unwavering in front of you. “Nah, I really think you dressed up for me tonight.” He insists jokingly, a hand lingering over the fabric of your coat. “If I get welcome back parties like this from you in the end, should I just do more one-year study abroad programs?”

“And leave me to fend off the aunties every other year? I don’t think so.” You’re quick to turn down, walking pass him to rejoin your group now. Jisung naturally follows along like a lost puppy, suddenly changing his mind on joining Minho and Seungmin to follow you around now that you’ve started conversation. “You owe me for leaving me to take all the ‘I can set you up on a blind date with my godchild’ and ‘are you dating anyone’ comments last year.”

The two of you sit next to Ryujin and Yeji who, without even looking up from their phones, quickly scoot away to the other end of the big sofa which makes you send pleading looks their way while Jisung laughs and gains enough confidence to sling an arm on the sofa behind your shoulders.

Another annoying thing from this yearly reunion party is how it’s an unspoken rule in your group to leave you and Jisung alone whenever you’re engaging in your usual banter. You and Jisung are the enemies type of best friend, for God’s sake. You don’t understand how everyone (yes, even Seungmin) thinks the two of you are being cute.

“I keep telling you, you wouldn’t get all those comments if you just tell them you’re dating someone, dummy.” Jisung returns to your conversation once you’re settled, purposely placing a suggestive emphasis on the pet name. “That’s just the most natural thing to do in front of the aunties.”

“And who would I show them if they ask who?”

“Try me.” Jisung answers smugly, earning him an eye roll from you.

“As if.” You deadpan, leaning to his arm anyway as you take out your phone and connect to the wifi. “Given your new fuckboy look to the aunties, I’m pretty sure they’ll see past that kind of bullshit, especially Yeji and Hyunjin’s mom and Minho’s mom. They’d be more convinced if I tell them I’m dating Seungmin instead and he’s already in a relationship.”

You don’t even have to look to your side to see Jisung pouting as he whines in complaint, his free hand going up to your side to shake your arm. “That hurts.” He dramatically points to his chest when you show the slightest hint of turning his way. “And having Bumble on your phone isn’t being a fuckboy, I don’t even use it to get dates.”

“That’s not what the aunties think.” You point out, knowing just how much your aunts and uncles easily misunderstand concepts from your generation like social and dating apps. “I’m telling you, I prefer you swaying the conversation for me over you pretending to be my boyfriend.”

Jisung is quiet for a moment and you’re convinced that he’s decided on ending the conversation at this point until he suddenly twists his body towards you and challenges, "Do you wanna bet? Test out that theory?” He smirks again. “It’d really spice up this party, besides Chan’s announcement, of course.”

Only then do you look up at him since you sat down, deadpanning, “No.”

“Come on, it’d be really interesting!” He taps you on your shoulders with a laugh, a combination of habits he always does whenever he’s trying to involve you in his usual trouble-making antics. “My mom will finally get off my back for always nagging me as a ‘fuckboy’ and our mom’s sorority friends will finally get off yours for not dating.”

“You’re crazy.” You comment, crossing your arms in front of him. “I think I’ll just re-download Bumble too and bring someone to the party next year.”

“You’re really taking too much jabs at my heart right now,” He sighs with a contrasting smirk. “and we’re not even past dinner yet.”

“Because you deserve it,” You chuckle back at him, pretending to punch him on his stomach which he reacts to dramatically. “I’ve always known you’re a dumbass but that’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard from you.”

Stubborn, he shakes his head in disagreement as you speak. “Nah, nah, we’ll see about that.”

And as if on cue, Mrs. Kim emerges from the staircase and announces that dinner is ready, luring everyone out of the second floor before you can even ask Jisung what he means with his words.

“Ya, Han Jisung!” You call for him when he sprints to Seungmin’s side when the latter begins leading everyone downstairs.

You try catching up to him but the staircase becomes too narrow for you to squeeze past everyone, forcing you to walk with Minho and Ryujin at the back of the group. With this, Jisung then takes this as an opportunity to look up at you from the turn on the staircase and send you another wink, a more confident one this time since he doesn’t trip after.

Your ‘age group,’ as the aunts differentiate you from the younger children, hogs the extensive buffet and steals the best table in the backyard, near the karaoke machine so you can stop the uncles from singing too much of ‘My Way’ once they get drunk later on and as far away from the children’s table as possible so you don’t have to be obligated to take care of them later on. Chan, the eldest among you now, joins your table with his fiance, Miyoung, after they’ve officially declared their engagement before the buffet opened, happily handing out their save the date cards for their May wedding.

“Just remember, Miyoung, that you can literally get all your wedding needs from us, okay?” Yeji comments amidst all the talk about the wedding, gesturing to everyone as you eat and drink champagne. “Like Y/N and Seungmin for catering, Ryujin for the attires, Felix for your honeymoon trip, me and Hyunjin for the flowers and documentation, and Jisung can dress up as a clown for your reception.”

“Ya!” Jisung protests to your left, cheeks full of steak and spaghetti that makes the whole table erupt in laughter. “Chan’s and Minho’s studios can arrange the music and the decor; my mom will probably argue with Miyoung’s mom for the locations and hotels.”

“I can just tell my dad to hire you as a clown, though.” Minho shrugs nonchalantly, further fueling your laughter. To your right, you can even see Miyoung giggling through her glass of champagne, having given up on stifling her laughs. “It’d make good entertainment.”

Jisung then leans over to you to turn to Miyoung on your other side with a pout and a pleading look to her and Chan. “You two are just letting them drag me like this?” He whines dramatically before turning to you. “Y/N, back me up here.”

“No!” You press a finger up to his forehead and playfully push him back on his seat. “It’s a great idea, what are you talking about?” You tease as you do so, much to more whines from him. “There’s like five months before the wedding, think about it.”

Next to you, Miyoung forces herself to stop laughing, teasingly asking Chan, “Babe, what do you think? Should we just demote Jisung from groomsman to clown?”

“I’d very much prefer being a groomsman, please.” Jisung asks over Chan, leaning over the table. “I can’t compete with Changbin for best man but as long as I’m not dressing up as a clown I’m good!”

“Hey, how come Jisung’s a groomsman?” Seungmin complains from across you, frowning cutely at the couple. “Miyoung, I’m your cousin! I introduced you and Chan in university!”

“You’re a groomsman too, Minnie, don’t worry.” Miyoung reassures with a warm smile before elbowing her fiance. “As long as you can get your parents to cater with Y/N’s family.”

The offer makes Seungmin’s ear perk up in interest. “Okay, call!”

“Can we all be in the wedding party at this point? I’m seriously pushing it now, I want to dress up really cute!” Yeji, who sits on Chan’s other side, pleads.

“Me too! I second that!” Felix backs her up immediately, the two now leaning over the table expectantly in Chan’s direction. “Though I’m not so keen on designing things.”

“Ah, but we have to make more room for actual relatives.” The groom-to-be in question laughs sheepishly. “Though, knowing our parents, I’ll try to squeeze everyone in somewhere in the program. Just let us iron out everyone’s contributions first.”

“Yeji, I’ll take note of your suggestion, though.” Miyoung points at the younger girl with an appreciative grin. “I’ll message the groupchat once Chan and I meet up again with the planner.”

Meanwhile, Chan’s last comment gives you and Minho an idea and the two of you suggest in chorus, “Get Seungmin to sing!”

“Jinx!” You and Minho exchange winks and long distance-high fives from Jisung’s two sides after while Chan and Miyoung ask Seungmin about said idea, making Jisung pout at you.

The general table conversation then naturally flows to other matters, mostly about the famous names you might be expecting at the wedding, but Jisung doesn’t participate much anymore, turning to you instead and asking, “Ya, are you cheating on me with Minho now? You sacrifice me as entertainment then back Minho up but not me!” He rambles in between mouthfuls of food, making you and even Minho chuckle in amusement despite the latter being in another conversation with Ryujin and Seungmin. “I just left for one year and you’re already doing this to me!”

“What are you on about again, dumbass?” You roll your eyes with a scoff, stealing a piece of steak from his plate for the third time this dinner. “Finish your food, everyone’s done and you’re so slow!”

Jisung then belatedly swats your chopsticks away, “I’m almost done, dumbass, stop mooching off my plate!”

"Then hurry up, you still have to accompany me to the dessert table.” You point out, referring to your least favorite part of this reunion parties: getting attacked by invasive questions on your return trip to the buffet table. “Remember, you owe me. I’m not going in there alone again.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” He replies on his last two bites of food, eating one then handing the other one to you. “Have the other one, then.”

He pokes your lips with the last piece of steak and you instinctively lean your head away, catching the food with your own chopsticks instead. “Thanks.” You bring the food to your mouth before carefully patting the oil he ended up smearing on your lips with your table napkin.

Across the table and out of your earshot, Yeji elbows Hyunjin and points to the two of you. “They’re at it again.”

Without you or Jisung looking, Hyunjin looks at the two of you in feign disgust. “I know, every damn year.”

On Hyunjin’s other side, Seungmin nods frustratingly in agreement which makes Yeji laugh. “We shouldn’t have taken last year for granted, 'no?” He sighs. “Last year was so peaceful without them together.”

“Agreed.” The Hwang cousins agree in chorus before listening to the table’s general conversation again.

Meanwhile, Jisung finally finishes his food and excuses the two of you from the table to get dessert. Miyoung waves at you politely and Felix playfully orders that you two get him cupcakes but the rest only acknowledge you with simple nods as they’re completely engrossed in betting on whose dad will be singing My Way on the karaoke machine first (everyone’s in the middle of betting on Mr. Bang). With that, you and your best friend then take your leave, going back inside the house and making a beeline to the kitchen.

Unfortunately for you, you catch your mom, Mrs. Han, and Mrs. Hwang gossiping by the punch bowls once you reach the kitchen’s open doorway—literally the worst combination of sorority aunts to be bombarded with invasive questions.

“Shit.” You mutter under your breath loud enough for only Jisung to hear, the two of you still out of the three women’s sights. Looking up at Jisung with pleading eyes, you ask, “Should we just go back later?”

Quickly seeing this as an opportunity to get back at you, Jisung only smiles evilly and links his hands with yours, dragging a hesitant you inside the kitchen and towards the direction of the dessert table. “No, let’s get dessert now, baby.” He dismisses your silent pleas teasingly, making sure his voice is loud enough to get your worst nightmare of trio’s attentions. “Felix also asked us to get cupcakes too, remember?”

And like vultures, the three women immediately turn to you and Jisung as you head in their line of vision, three different shades of questioning looks on their faces. You especially catch your mom’s face, a mixture of surprise, amusement, and genuine curiosity for some reason, which sets all the gears in your head into panic mode while Jisung only gains more confidence from this.

You swear at that moment on Jisung’s sort of untied shoelaces that you just want Mrs. Kim’s new kitchen floor tiles to swallow you up right there and then.

“Hey, mom!” Jisung greets his own mom with a wave, coming off as sweet to her but mocking to you. He then bows politely to your mom and Mrs. Hwang and you’re forced to follow along for the sake of courtesy. “Mrs. Y/L/N, Mrs. Hwang.”

The three women look at each other curiously, as if in a silent debate on what they’ve just heard, while Jisung pretends to be unfazed, passing you a dessert plate and examining tonight’s dessert options.

“Jisung, I swear to God,” You hiss at him as you take a slice of chocolate cake for him. “I’m going to kill you after this party.”

He leans close to your ear while gathering cupcakes on a separate dessert plate, whispering, “I think it’s too late for that, though.” before your mom, Mrs. Han, and Mrs. Hwang suddenly appear in front of the two of you on the other side of the buffet table with sickeningly sweet smiles, and a million questions.

You especially fear Jisung’s mom. Mrs. Han and your mom often go to the mall together, especially when there’s an ongoing sale, and you’ve been forced to carry all their shopping bags over the years because Jisung and his older brother usually bail on you. Though she’s very sweet, you’ve always known her to be very picky on some things and it just makes you think that she’s picky on who Jisung dates too.

“Mom,” You call for your mom with wide eyes. “Do you need anything?”

But she waves her hand dismissively with a reassuring smile at your question. “Oh, nothing, Y/N dear,” She answers, eyes darting almost threateningly between you and Jisung. It makes your hand shaky as you now complete your tower of dessert plates. “your aunties and I were just talking and we didn’t mean to but we saw you and Jisung so we just got curious and thought we’d ask how the two of you are.”

“Oh, just ask them already!” Mrs. Hwang exclaims excitedly, slapping your mom’s arm like a school girl. “If you won’t, I will.”

But Mrs. Han is already leaning over the table with a knowing smile, straightforwardly asking, “Are you two kids dating?” which immediately makes your mom and Mrs. Hwang erupt into fits of giggles. “Come on, the aunties want to know!”

“Oh, um—” You stammer out before Jisung beats you to it.

For the second time tonight, you feel Jisung’s arm on your shoulder as he speaks over you confidently, “Y-Yeah, we’ve been for a while now!” He then places his dessert plate back on the table and boyishly rubs the nape of his neck which only elicits swooning reactions from the three women, a complete contrast from your expectations a while back. “Just some time before my program ended so it’s been a bit long-distance for the most part.”

“Oh? But how?” Mrs. Hwang asks curiously. “I didn’t hear of you going to Malaysia this year, Y/N, and Jisung, your mom told me you didn’t have time to go home!”

“You could’ve just told me, Sungie! Then, I would’ve had you sent home earlier if you wanted to see Y/N!” Mrs. Han adds as well, clasping her hands in satisfaction. “I knew this was coming! You two have always been so cute together!”

Your mom agrees, “Luckily, I refused Mrs. Park’s offer to set Y/N up with another one of her nephews a while back. Had I known you two were dating, I wouldn’t have talked to her tonight at all!”

You open your mouth to try and speak but Jisung beats you to it again. “We’ve been in touch: message, calls, and video calls, you know.” He half-shrugs casually, as if he’s been rehearsing the line for a while now. “It’s our first time meeting since we started seeing each other so telling you guys just kind of flew past us.”

You groan internally but you also can’t help but sigh in relief at the prospect that you avoided getting set up by Mrs. Park again because of Jisung. Though this doesn’t completely erase your annoyance over him for putting you in this situation, you still owe him a ‘thank you’ after somehow.

So, you conclude that you should just follow along. It’s fake dating your best friend over another pointless blind date at this point now, after all. “You’re okay with this, right?” You decide to ask in a follow-up, pretending to not know that they’ll agree anyway. Next to you, Jisung’s eyes visibly widen and, seeing it from the corner of your eyes, you quickly elbow him in response before giving your most innocent look to your mom. “I mean, Jisung won’t be studying abroad now and we’re graduating, anyway, so it’s cool, right?”

Judging by their softened reactions, you feel like you could challenge Hyunjin to acting now.

“Of course we’re okay with it!” Your mom answers first, Mrs. Han nodding along happily. “I’m glad that it’s someone I know at least and I’m sure your dad wouldn’t mind.”

You hear Jisung gulp nervously at the last comment. If you’re afraid of his mom, he’s afraid of your dad because of the one time he helped you practice for your driver’s license and the two of you almost ended up crashing the Ford on your subdivision’s club house. You allow yourself to relax and laugh at this, making him tighten his grip on your shoulder.

“Me too, sis.” Mrs. Han agrees, gesturing over to her son. “My Jisung here’s been going on dates with strangers online before this so I’m glad he’s finally stopped and settled for your kid! Modern love, huh?”

“Oh my God, mom!” Jisung whines, his free hand coming up to his face in embarrassment. “I’ve told you before, I use them to meet friends! Not in front of Mrs. Y/L/N and Y/N please!”

“Ay, it’s the same thing!” His mom insists to him before turning to Mrs. Hwang and your mom. “Social apps, dating apps, they’re all the same. Why do you even use them if you’re just going to fall in love with the person right in front of you? I taught you better than that, Sungie.”

“Mom!” Jisung hisses, cheeks tinted pink. “This is so embarrassing!”

You snicker next to him, catching his attention. “Your mom’s right, you know. Tsk, dating people from miles away and you just end up confessing to me on FaceTime.”

He scowls at you in a way that scolds you for suddenly turning this situation in your favor. You only smile triumphantly at him which the three aunties take as a really sweet moment.

“Aw, look at them! So cute!” Mrs. Hwang gushes before turning to her two best friends. “Should we just leave them alone now? We’re intruding!”

“Right! It’s especially embarrassing since we’re both here, Mrs. Han.” Your mom agrees, leading the three out now. She then turns to you and Jisung, “I guess we’ll be off now, then? Don’t want to intrude to you two lovebirds anymore!”

You smile up to your mom, making sure Jisung does too. “It’s fine, mom, we’re going back to our table now too, anyway.”

But Mrs. Han waves her hand dismissively at you. “No, no, we’ll run along now first! See you later, okay?”

You and Jisung bid your moms and Mrs. Hwang goodbye, overhearing your mom bragging that she’ll share this new information to Mrs. Park while Mrs. Han and Mrs. Hwang agree before the three completely exited the kitchen.

Once they’re out of earshot, you sigh in relief and elbow Jisung harshly who responds by dramatically taking a step back and massaging his side. “Ow!” He winces, careful not to hit the dessert table. “What was that for?”

“I told you to drop the fake dating thing a while back.” You protest, threatening to hit him with your plate of chocolate slices. “Now I have to have you at home more often. I’ve already had enough of you at campus, here, and when your mom visits at home.”

“Ya, but you played along!”

“That’s because I was put on the spot! And they did mention another blind date from Mrs. Park’s army of nephews.” You explain. “It was between you and another blind date.”

“At least I got you out of another potential blind date, right?” He points out defensively, proceeding to put your hand with the chocolate slices down on the table with caution. “And more effectively now than before, too! So why’d you hit me?”

“Yeah, I know but still, that doesn’t cancel out how you got me out of that.” You frown in disappointment, taking both of your dessert plates now. When he holds his hand up defensively, as if expecting you to throw them to his face, you only roll your eyes and walk past him to the direction of the second kitchen exit. “Now, I have to fake date you for real either until Mrs. Park lays off the blind dates or until I actually date someone.”

Jisung immediately follows you suit, genuinely rubbing the nape of his neck in a bashful way now. “We don’t have to, maybe they’ll forget about it.” But when you give him a pointed look, as if suggesting that what he just said seems unlikely, he ends up suggesting, “Okay, fine, should we break up after Chan’s wedding, then?”

He then glances over at you to see you contemplating and calming yourself down so he instinctively insists on carrying the dessert plates for you, walking a little bit ahead as well and opening the screen door leading back to the backyard.

When you’ve made yourself calm down and think more rationally, you firstly point out, “That’s too far away and wouldn’t that be too scandalous? It’s a big event so it could become gossip.”

Passing the entire length of the backyard now, you receive a few congratulations and questions confirming your relationship from some of your mom’s sorority friends and their husbands, forcing Jisung to hold his thought until you’re not being swarmed again.

“But if we do it before, it’d be too suspicious since we’d only be dating for less than 6 months.” He counters once the adults have left you alone, glancing ahead and seeing your entire table looking at you with quirked up eyebrows and comically intimidating looks. “Remember when my older brother did that as a joke to the aunties and got caught because they only did it for 3 weeks? They smell fear and deceit, Y/N.”

You sigh in defeat, “Let’s just figure it out later.” With that, you reach your table, setting your plates down and asking, “What did we miss?”

Judging by the way they eye you, your mom has probably told Mrs. Kim who’s gone table to table.

“It’s fake, isn’t it?” Ryujin speaks up once you’ve settled back in your seat, making the table break character and laugh. “It can’t be a coincidence since you two were just talking about that a while ago inside!”

“Please be fake.” Seungmin adds, gesturing to you and Jisung. “It’d be more annoying for all of us next year if it’s true.”

You and Jisung, having the same thought and trust for your friends, nod simultaneously at Ryujin’s question, eventually joining in on the laughter.

“Oh my God, I can’t believe you’d actually try that!” Ryujin cackles, a clear giveaway that she and Yeji were eavesdropping on you and Jisung a while back to a degree.

“To be clear, though, it’s his fault!” You add in between laughs for clarification, pointing to Jisung with your dessert spoon. “He started it!”

“And they were about to get set up on a blind date by Mrs. Park again.” Jisung gestures to you back, completing the thought. “I was being a good Samaritan.”

“Ooh, and what did they say?” Felix asks curiously, one elbow propped up on the table as he listens intently.

Jisung groans in exasperation as he eats his chocolate cake. “We bumped into my mom, Y/N’s mom, and Mrs. Hwang so you can imagine how they reacted.”

“I can imagine, especially our mom.” Hyunjin sighs with his hands carding through his hair in secondhand embarrassment.

“At least now we know where you inherited certain qualities from.” Chan teases, making the younger boy exclaim ‘ya!’ at him.

“This is good, though isn’t it?” Yeji asks curiously over her iced tea. “I mean, Mrs. Park’s wouldn’t set you up on blind dates now.”

“Yeah, but that leaves me as Ms. Park’s only target!” Ryujin moans in frustration. “You know Mrs. Park doesn’t get convinced with dating people online!”

You shake your head at Ryujin’s complaint. “Yeji can fake date you, though.” You point out, much to the girl’s annoyance. “Or ask out that girl from our lab.”

“So, does this mean we’re getting a dramatic break-up at Chan and Miyoung’s wedding?” Hyunjin interjects, having moved from playing with his now long hair to his glass of champagne. “Because if so, then you better tell us now so we won’t get too drunk at the reception until it happens!”

“I honestly want to see that happen too.” Seungmin agrees, the two high-fiving at the thought.

“That’d be interesting, breaking up at weddings.” Minho chuckles along now too. “People usually propose or hook-up so this is new.”

“Hey, no stealing my spotlight on my wedding!” Miyoung complains playfully to you and Jisung this time. “We’re all supposed to have a good time there!”

Chan nods in agreement. “If you break up at our wedding, you’re getting kicked out.”

So you shake your head reassuringly in between eating cupcakes. “We aren’t planning to.”

“You’re going to date for real?” Felix asks teasingly, earning him a glare form you.

“Gross, no.” You and Jisung turn down the thought in chorus.

“Jinx.” Jisung adds, stealing a spoonful of cake from your plate.

“So when are you breaking up?” Chan asks, leading the whole round table to look back to you.

“Whenever, I guess.” You shrug casually, belatedly swatting Jisung’s hand from your plate this time. “Until Mrs. Park gets off my back and Jisung actually stops fucking around on Bumble.”

“I don’t fuck around on Bumble!” Jisung complains over a mouthful of chocolate cake.

“Well, that’s going to take a long time.” Chan dismisses. “At least let us all know so we can schedule faking a whole drama in this group.”

“Anyway, it’ll die down soon, surely.” Jisung assures with a half-shrug. “Also, our parents only meet up constantly during this reunion party. If anything, we just have to fake date in front of our moms since they meet up more often.”

“And Mrs. Hwang.” You point to Hyunjin and Yeji. “Since we all go to brunch once a month.”

At the mention of the monthly brunch, Yeji’s eyes widen. “Does that mean Jisung has to be at our monthly brunch?!”

“Oh, ew!” Hyunjin adds in disgust. “I’ve had enough seeing you at campus already!”

“Why does everyone keep saying that?!” Jisung exclaims back in complain. “I doubt I’d get invited to that, we’re supposed to be dating not getting married!”

Jisung turns to you expectantly, sighing in relief when you say, “That seems unlikely, it’s my mom and Mrs. Hwang’s thing, anyway. It’s not the Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner brunch.”

“It better be!” Hyunjin says with crossed arms. “Hopefully our moms don’t get that kind of idea.”

You quietly agree. Having Jisung on your monthly brunch with the Hwangs would just cause so much trouble and cement him in your mom’s good graces—but as your boyfriend, this time.

That’s probably not good.

The party officially ends some time around 3 AM, when most of the parents with elementary school children have gone home hours earlier and, besides the Kims, it’s just your family, the Hwangs, the Hans, Chan, and Miyoung left at the front gates, bidding each other goodnight.

“Thank you for having us again, Mrs. Kim.” You bid Seungmin’s family last since they’re the hosts, bowing politely to Seungmin’s parents before giving Seungmin a high-five.

“See you after break.” Seungmin greets you after your high-five. “Have fun in Japan.”

“And you enjoy your trip to New York.” You reply with an enthusiastic smile. “I do hope your mom reconsiders staying longer so you can spend the New Year there.”

He nods with a sigh, “Yeah, I know. Still, I’ll try my best to convince her.”

Your mom then approaches the two of you, bidding Seungmin and his parents goodnight before taking you away by the arm then turning you towards the direction of Jisung and his family. “Goodnight, Seungmin, Mr. and Mrs. Kim!” She smiles warmly to them before turning to you. “Y/N, aren’t you going to say goodnight to Jisung?”

“I already did.”

“Ah, but go to him anyway! Your dad still has to start the car.”

You groan internally. After a whole night of drinking, singing, and gossiping with her friends, you’d think that she would’ve forgotten about earlier.

Yet you oblige anyway, excusing yourself from your parents and approaching Jisung whose parents are busy having last-minute small talk with Chan and Miyoung, probably endorsing their chain of hotels as early as now for the wedding.

“Hey, ugly.” You greet him casually as you approach, both your parents out of earshot so the old nickname naturally comes out. At this, Jisung immediately turns from scrolling through his phone to looking up at you with wide eyes. “My mom didn’t see us say goodnight a while ago so I’m here.”

“Oh,” He muses, eyes flitting to your mom behind you once. When he sees her glancing expectantly, he turns to you and suggests, “Should we hug?”

“Yeah, I guess.” You sigh, going straight into his extended arms. “‘Night.”

“’Night, baby.” Jisung hums gently, too sleepy now to throw more witty comebacks besides the cheesy pet name that originally got you in trouble tonight. “See you after the break.”

“No, see you on our moms’ next shopping spree.” You correct firmly, pulling away from his warmth before you could accidentally fall asleep on him. “Since we’re ‘dating’ now, you’re morally obligated to attend shopping bag duty now, too.”

This makes Jisung sigh in defeat, “Fine, fair enough. See you on our moms’ next shopping spree, then.” He pauses for a moment then asks, “The day after New Year, right?”

“Yeah.” You confirm with a nod when you catch him pouting, “You started this so don’t pout now.”

“I know, I’m regretting it now.” He rolls his eyes with a scoff, only making you chuckle. “I suppose it’s different when we hang out as friends and when our moms think we’re dating.”

You continue laughing anyway until a thought crosses your mind and softens your gaze up at Jisung. “Anyway, thanks for saving me from another date—I almost forgot. The means is still annoying but I have to appreciate it somehow, right?”

This time, it’s him chuckling, “Now you appreciate my efforts. See, I told you, something good comes up with this.”

“Whatever.” You dismiss before you hear your mom calling for you as your dad pulls up in front of the Kim’s gates. “Okay, that’s me. Bye, ugly!”

“Hm, bye!” With a final wave, Jisung then sees you off before joining his parents who he didn’t even realize have already gone to their car.

Seating himself at the backseat of his mom’s car a moment later, Jisung accidentally glances over to his mom from the rear view mirror only to see her wiggling her eyebrows at him.

“So,” Mrs. Han says. “you and Y/N.”

“Yeah?” Jisung response with a questioning tone. “Me and Y/N, what about it?”

Mrs. Han only shrugs from the driver’s seat as she now drives away from the Kim’s house. “Nothing, you’re just both really cute.” She comments casually with a proud smile. “I like it. Though it is too bad we can’t invite them to dinner since they’re going to Japan for Christmas this year.”

“How about next year?” Jisung’s dad suggests. “We can go on one of our hotels abroad.”

“Ah, but—” Jisung stammers, only to be interrupted by his dad again.

“Or, honey, when you and Mrs. Y/L/N go to the mall again.” Mr. Han quickly quips in to Mrs. Han before turning to their son in the back seat. “I expect you’d stop bailing on your mom when she goes to the mall now since Y/N’s always at these shopping trips.”

At this, Jisung shakes his head, “I won’t. I’m ‘morally obligated’ now, apparently.”

“That’s good.” Mr. Han says, turning back to the road ahead and relaxing into the front passenger seat. “You better.”

Jisung sleepily props his elbow up by the window and sighs, letting his parents enjoy this new prospect of him seriously dating someone now. “Yup.” He ends the conversation, closing his eyes and getting a few minutes of sleep before arriving back home.

Suddenly, this is probably not a good idea—lying to his already hyped parents.

ch. 2 // ch. 3 // series masterlist

tag: @t-toodumbtocare @sandaigdigan-reads @pwarkhans @ruellelix @malai-barfi @mahalau @milkywayfelix @qweens-stuff

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lovelivingmydreams · 4 years ago

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Thank you guys: TS sides secret dating prank p1

As a thank you to my 230 followers. I decided to write out a concept I brought up a while ago. I know not everyone is here for my sides stuff, I'll write something for OUAT and Voltron too. So here's the first of the two part Sanders sides instalment of my 'secretly dating bet' idea.

Secret but not forbidden

Roman was pouting.

It wasn't very princely and he wasn't proud of it, but he was pouting none the less. Finally he gets Virgil to go on a quest with him and just about everything that could go wrong did.

Now he was dirty and soaked and injured.

“I can't believe you. Why in the world would you even go head to head with a manticore? What were you thinking?” Virgil mumbled as he helped Roman get to the bed in the abandoned cottage they found. Their first lucky break since they left the castle.

“I'm telling you falloutboy. I've fought more ferocious creatures than that and gotten away with barely a scratch… this one just got- argh!” Just then Roman accidentally moved his foot and a vicious sting shot through his body.

Virgil scowled as he took in Roman's pained expression. “Can't you just magic your injuries better? Or do you enjoy making me play nurse?”

Roman let out a flustered scoff at the accusation. “No! It's… I…it’s against the rules!”

Virgil blinked a few times in astonishment. “Rules…?”

Roman lifted his chin in defiance. “Unlike my brother I like to run a world where there is consistency and consequences. Until we get back to my room I’ll have to heal naturally,” he huffed as he turned away dramatically, ready for Virgil to berate him some more… but nothing came.

He turned back to Virgil and found the darker side looking at him thoughtfully.

“What?” he demanded.

Virgil shook his head and focused his attention on Roman's ankle.

“It' just… really mature of you… in your own way…” Virgil muttered as he ever so gently inspected the wound and tested how much movement it could handle.

Roman didn't realize he'd leaned in to see what he was doing until Virgil looked up and the tips of their noses came a hair’s width apart.

They both leaned back as fast as they could. Without another word, Virgil scrambled to his feet to get a fire started to warm them both up.

Roman took the time to consider the day’s events. If he was honest most of his misfortunes, with the exception of the unexpected downpour that had forced them to seek shelter, had one and the same cause. He had been distracted.

And not just today. He'd been noticing his tendency to get lost in thought when he was around a specific side a few weeks ago.

“I found some dry blankets,” Virgil announced, not quiet looking at him as he laid one next to Roman, another already wrapped around his own frame.

“Give me your cloak and stuff, I’ll lay it out to dry.”

Roman really, really wanted to protest, but he felt that would give him away so he just got it over with as fast as possible. And honestly, the warm blanket was worth the mild embarrassment.

Virgil sat down next to him.

“Your horses wouldn't happen to be the kind that always return in the end would they?”

Roman chuckled humorlessly. “They're not supposed to run off with all our supplies while we refill our canteens in the first place…” he should have tied them down better, but he had seen them brave much worse threats than a stray viper and he'd wanted to join Virgil at the river as soon as he could.

“I don't get it it's as if the entire realm…” then it clicked. “Oh…”

“Is that a good ‘Oh’ or a bad one?” Virgil asked tensely.

Roman blushed and looked back at his companion. “I… the imagination is playing out a different story than I thought… it's forcing us to follow the narrative.” His kingdom was trying to set him up.

“So you know what to do?” Virgil looked relieved. Roman was terrified.

“Yes. If I am right… well we could be home within the hour.” But everything would be different.

“That's great… isn't it?” Virgil picked up on Roman’s nervousness. Well, if he was going to risk it all he better go all in.

He took a deep breath and allowed his face to be soft, his eyes admiring, to show how he truly felt around his former adversary. He gently took Virgil's hand in his.

“Thank you, for saving me from the manticore… I am continuously astounded by your courage.”

Virgil blushed under Roman's praise and intense gaze, but he didn't look away.

“Virgil you are… I…” suddenly Roman felt soft lips gently touching his. The moment was over so fast he almost thought he might have imagined it. But then Virgil spoke. “Me too.”

Roman was ecstatic. He swiftly took hold of Virgil's face and kissed him properly.

And just when they parted they heard horses outside and a voice calling out for them.

��Deus ex machina?” Virgil scoffed dryly. The grin on his face took away from it though.

“Looks like we brought the story to it’s desired end. So… just to be clear…”

“Ugh. You want to hear me say it don't you?” Virgil complained.

“By the gods no. Not unless you want to. Just… we are officially dating, right?”

Virgil sighed. “Yes Princey. We're official. Now let's see about getting back so we can tell the others. Pat is going to freak!” Roman chuckled and let Virgil pull him up.

The man who'd followed their horses to their refuge had brought fresh clothes and some pain soothing herbs that would let Roman get home without too much trouble.

On their way Roman thought about everyone’s reactions… and out of nowhere he got an idea for an interesting once in a lifetime prank.

“Virgil?”

Virgil chuckled. “What? One kiss and you’ve got no more clever nicknames?” he teased.

Roman chuckled. “I have plenty don't you worry my dark knight in patched up armor. But I was wondering… what if we didn't tell anyone?”

Virgil grew silent. “you… don't want the others to know?” he asked tensely.

“My dear angel of darkness, I would love to shout from the rooftops that you are mine. But… what if we let them figure it out on their own?”

Virgil’s guarded expression immediately gave way to a mischievous gleam.

“Want to make it interesting?”

Roman was glad Virgil seemed on board. “I’m listening."

“Whoever does the thing that makes everyone realize we’re together has to plan our first official date.”

Roman nodded. “Alright, but some ground rules. We can’t straight up lie. And Remus doesn't count.” Virgil grinned wickedly. Already imagining the harmless chaos they were about to cause.

“Deal.” And with that they arrived at the gateway.

If the others noticed a difference when they got back, none of them mentioned it. To be fair their banter had steadily grown more and more flirty even before they confessed so the change might not raise any suspicion.

In all honesty it made their little game more exciting. They kept pushing the line of what they could get away with. Roman especially had a blast finding excuses to get close to Virgil and touch him casually in front of the others. His favorite was when one morning he took full advantage of Virgil's habit to sit on the kitchen counter for breakfast.

He stepped up to him and reached overh his head to get in the spice cabinet. He looked down at Virgil with a pleased grin when he noticed his boyfriend struggle to keep himself from checking him out. His sleepatire was much more casual and while he usually never left his room unless impeccably dressed and completely groomed, today he hadn't even combed his hair. Roman had found that Virgil had yet to deem any look on him unattractive and it had done wonders for his self image. So he let himself relax a little when it came to his appearance and man was it paying off.

"Eres tan lindo," he whispered lowly before stepping away, leaving Virgil to compose himself. Logan, who was reading the newspaper at the table didn't even spare them a glance.

While Roman liked proximity and sweet nothings as his hints to the others Virgil set up inuendo's and jumped on every opportunity to imply their relationship, remaining vague enough to be written of as something else.

"We both know who you think is the hottest of all of us. Fairest of them all, if you will, a hot topic..." he grinned during a game of truth or dare where Patton had dared Roman to give complement cards to the side they fit best with in his opinion.

Roman just threw up his hands and conceded.

“You got me there short, dark and handsome.” The jab at Virgil's height earned him a pillow to the face. And once again they flew straight under the radar.

The first real close call came from Remus. As expected honestly...

“Come on! I get why you are nit a fan of the classic princes, but Naveen and Tiana?!” Roman exclaimed gesturing to the paused screen that showed off the couple in question during their first wedding. They were sitting on the floor of Roman's room, cuddling underneath a blanket fort. Virgil had ran in earlier because he'd felt an attack coming up and wanted his boyfriend with him.

Once he'd calmed down Roman had made them both comfortable and got them some comfort snacks.

“They are fine. Tiana and Megara are my favorite Disney ladies. And Naveen is a well meaning airhead who can handle being humbled by a far more competent woman. But that,” Virgil gestured wildly at the screen. “Is not the best Disney kiss.”

“Alright. Then what is?” Roman demanded. Ready to defend this one. It was earned it came with magnificent outfits and the dialogue!

“This,” Virgil purred before laying one on Roman.

It was short and sweet and perfect. When Virgil pulled back he found his boyfriend looking rather pleased with himself. “What?”

“’So what you are saying is, I’m a Disney Prince?”

Virgil chuckled. “Well Thomas stole the show in a Disney production twice. And you are a Prince so…” Virgil didn't het to add anything else because Roman was now kissing him. It was a happy kiss. Playful and light but also earnest and…

“Roma…” when the door burst open they parted ways. Remus was balancing a pile of papers, props and fabrics related to whatever elaborate prank he’d come up with and didn't look at them in time to see them making out. But their position was far from platonic.

His eyes widened, he dropped everything and ran of screeching.

“Rude,” Roman muttered looking at the chaos his brother left behind.

“Leave it. He can clean it up himself. Let's finish the movie. Next one's my pick,” Virgil suggested, sitting back upright in a slightly less compromising position.

Roman considered going after Remus for a second. But he'd probably come back of his own accord.

And indeed. They'd only just settled back in after putting on Treasure Planet when the door flew open.

“See!?” Remus screeched gesturing to them in their fort.

He was talking to Janus, Patton and Logan who were taking in the scene.

“Did I misunderstand? Based of the description you provided I was under the impression we would find them in at the very least a state of undress.”

Virgil burst out laughing while Roman gasped scandalized.

“I'd never! Not without proper courting! Patton did I ever ask your permission to win Virgil' affections?”

“Pardon?” Virgil asked no longer laughing.

“If I were to ask you out it wouldn't be very princely to do so without Padre's approval,” Roman explained casually. "Then I’d ask you for the honor of taking you on a date.” Roman then turned back to their audience so he could pretend he wasn't aware of Virgil's blush.

“What exactly did he drag you lot here for?” he asked, sounding like he didn't even care.

“According to him you two were ‘going at it’?” Janus drawled narrowing his eyes at Roman. The snake might not approve of them. But Roman didn't really care about his opinion so it was fine.

Virgil groaned. “I… needed to calm down. Roman helped me out and we started watching Disney movies. We were not planning to do anything above a pg rating.”

“Oh… well… we'll let you get back to that then…” Patton smiled though he looked disappointed. Virgil was pretty sure he was rooting for them.

“Thanks Popstar,” he sighed relieved as Patton ushered the others outside. “Remus! Get your stuff to your side of the room at least!” Roman called after his brother. Remus reappeared in the doorframe with a pout. He started picking up his stuff as the door closed behind him.

Suddenly he heard Roman and Virgil chuckle. He looked up and they looked a lot cozier. Roman even kissed Virgil' hair. Dropping everything once more he jumped up and down pointing at them accusingly. “I knew it!” he screeched.

“If only your mind hadn't been in the gutter. Then it wouldn't have been so easy to keep it secret,” Roman grinned, relishing just a little in his brother's frustration.

“Your little stunt could've lost you the bet though,” Virgil countered.

Remus looked lost so Roman and Virgil explained the bet to him.

“So… what are you going to do? Tell everyone we're an item. Or help us?”

Remus grinned at his brother and his childhood friend.

"Let’s sow some chaos.”

@slytherin-halfblood you wanted to read something like this so here you go.

Part 2

#sanders sides #virgil sanders #roman sanders #ts sides #logan sanders #patton sanders #remus sanders #janus sanders #secretly dating #but fun #prinxiety

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sluttyten · 6 years ago

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For You

pairing: jaehyun x female reader

words: 9,533

summary: a fake dating au in which you’re both tired of friends and family pitying you for being single on Valentine’s Day

For Jaehyun, there were two days that he believed you shouldn’t be single on: Valentine’s Day and a birthday.

For Jaehyun, it just so happened that those two celebrations fell on the same day. And he was miserably single.

He couldn’t let this year pass by as the last few had. Single and pitied by family and friends when they asked what his big plans were and his only answer was staying home with some ramen and a movie marathon of decidedly not-Valentine’s movies.

It’s not that he didn’t have friends to go celebrate his birthday with, he had plenty of friends. Johnny, Taeyong, Doyoung, Sicheng, and all of them were in happy relationships and Jaehyun wasn’t going to be the guy to piss their partners off just so he wasn’t alone.

Humiliatingly, the worst part this year was the call he received the morning of his birthday from his mother.

“You’re not going to be alone again, Jae?” She sighed into the phone. He remained silent, already not liking that tone in her voice. “You’re such a catch, and I know, most mother’s say that about their sons, but it’s true.”

Jaehyun takes a look at himself in the reflection of the mirror that hangs on the back of his apartment’s door. It’s a tiny space, barely even qualifying as an apartment. He was standing at the hotplate on his kitchen counter, dressed only in a pair of boxers and socks (neither of which was actually clean), and he knew he had a face many women and men would swoon over, but he hadn’t had a steady relationship in four years.

His mother’s voice buzzes in his ear, “You could go to one of those speed dating Valentine’s parties. Meet a sweet girl, maybe.”

Jaehyun doesn’t say anything because that’s not going to happen. He’ll just stay in tonight and it’ll be fine. Maybe he’ll watch some porn, light a candle, make the mood all romantic, make it a happy birthday present to himself. He’ll be fine.

“Are you still there? Hello?”

“Yeah, Mom. I’m here.” He balances his phone between his shoulder and his cheek and tries carrying his breakfast over to the small couch crammed along the wall a few feet from his bed.

“Well you hadn’t said anything in a while and I know reception is spotty. Now, what was I saying?” She dives right back into her stories, and Jaehyun tunes out again, turning on his laptop and pulling up a film he’s been wanting to watch on Netflix.

He focuses on eating and keeps the volume on his laptop low enough that his mom can’t hear it through the phone and accuse him of not paying attention (which he’s not, not until she says a few words that catch his attention like a hook to the gut).

“.... your father and I could come visit!”

Jaehyun swallows too quickly and almost chokes, spitting out the word, “What?”

“I said, if you’re just going to be alone, Jaehyun, your father and I could come visit to celebrate your birthday with you!”

It’s not that he doesn’t love his parents. He does. He’s a mama’s boy. But he just saw them last month. And his tiny, cramped apartment is filthy, covered in a layer of dirty laundry that sends Taeyong into hysterics any time he stops by. Plus, there was Jaehyun’s whole plan of the romantic evening to himself. And their pity is something he doesn’t need.

He casts around for an excuse — anything at all — to keep his parents from making the two hour drive to the city for a visit, and that’s how Jaehyun blurts out the first coherent idea that appears in his mind.

“No, you can’t come visit tonight. I, uh, I do have plans.” He tries to wipe up the mess he made when he almost choked. “I’ve been seeing someone. We’re going out tonight for dinner.”

The sounds of his mother’s happiness is almost lost in the pounding of his heart and his conscience screaming at him for that ridiculous lie.

“Oh, that’s great!” Jaehyun hears her calling to his father, shouting the lie to him loud enough that their neighbors can probably hear too, and Jaehyun cringes. “Jae, do you think we could meet her this weekend? We really want to come celebrate your birthday with you, but if you’re busy tonight, we can come in on Saturday. Have lunch and meet your girlfriend.”

Jaehyun bites his lip and reluctantly makes a noise of consent.

For the next fifteen minutes his mother rattles on about plans for Saturday, occasionally slipping in questions about Jaehyun’s relationship, to which he supplies generic answers or tells her that she’ll see on Saturday.

After those fifteen minutes, Jaehyun hears his dad’s voice through the speaker, calling for Jae’s mother.

“I guess I’d better go. We’ll see you Saturday!”

The second the call ends, Jaehyun throws his phone across the room. It bounces on his bed and then slides onto the floor, but Jaehyun doesn’t care about that. He has forty-eight hours to find someone willing to pretend to be in a relationship with him and meet his parents. How difficult could it be?

“Fuck. What have I done.”

Your first mistake was agreeing to brunch with a few of your friends on Valentine’s Day. The second mistake was informing them that you wouldn’t be able to make it to Peter and Hyerim’s party that night. Your third mistake and the final nail in your coffin was not having a ready-made excuse for why you couldn’t go to the party.

You couldn’t give the usual “I don’t feel well” since you’re sitting there at brunch in perfect (or near enough to perfect) health. A family emergency was a bit difficult to fake when one of your cousins was sitting not two feet away from you, and would immediately without hesitation or guilt inform everyone that you are lying.

Therefore, before you can come up with a valid excuse that will work for the table of your friends, someone else speaks up for you.

“It’s because you’re not dating anyone, right? And the invitation did sort of heavily imply that no one come to the party alone.”

You hate the judgemental, pitying faces immediately turned upon you then. Offers of setting you up with a friend of a friend who’s single too, or insistence that you’d be welcome at the party anyway are thrown your way and you turn them all down with what is, to you, a surprisingly stupid fourth mistake that you really just did not see coming.

“I’m not single. I’m seeing someone. Dating someone.” You pick at the food on your plate, feeling tense in the silence that follows your statement.

“Who is he? Do we know him?” One friend asks. “Why haven’t you said anything? Do you like him or is this just like a fun thing before you find someone serious after things ended with Niklas?”

This could’ve been the point where you turned things around. You could have told a little white lie on top of that monstrous one you’d just told, fibbed and said something like “it’s nothing too serious, not yet, we didn’t want to really make it official or a big deal until we have a better idea of where this is going.”

Things could have ended there. Pretend like you have other plans with your imaginary boyfriend, tell another white lie that you’ll try to drop in for a few minutes at the party with your new guy, but then don’t show and in a week or two tell everyone that things ended with that guy.

But you don’t do any of that. Because why tell a few little white lies when you can just pile on the bullshit.

“You don’t know him. He’s nice. He’s really handsome too and smart.” You make eye contact and force a bit of an embarrassed look to help sell the lie. “He’s really great. We had other plans tonight, but if you all really want to meet him, then maybe I will come to the party tonight and he and I can push our plans back to another night.”

And the moment they all start agreeing that they would just love to meet your new boyfriend, you force a smile onto your face to hide the vortex that just exploded inside you and is currently eating away at your insides.

Sometimes when you’re hiding from reality, the best place to be is a bookstore. The more cluttered, the better. If you can lose yourself in a maze of books and bury yourself so deep inside that you can’t see the sun, thereby losing all sense of time and space, things start to seem not so crazy and panic-inducing.

So that’s why Jaehyun is standing in the aisle of this dim, somewhat mildewy smelling bookstore.

The books are piled high and he left his problems somewhere in the self-help section, and now he’s wandered into what appears to be the “Ancient Tomes discovered in dark wet dungeons” section because there’s not a book on these bookshelves that doesn’t look like if he touched it it would just crumble to pieces.

Unknown to Jaehyun, you’ve found yourself in the same bookstore with a very similar problem to the one that drove him into that bookstore, and you wind a similar path as the one he takes through the maze of shelves, both of you trying to outrun and also solve the problems you’ve created.

Eventually, the pathways of books leads you back to the front of the bookstore, bringing you out right beside a table display of brown rectangles that are scribbled on. A sign over it all says: For You. It takes you a moment to realize that these are books, the covers and titles hidden away under the brown paper, and a very basic description written on the front.

You scan the table curiously and when you see one book with a surprisingly applicable to your life summary, you reach for it.

It’s not everyday that you see something declaring “need to dig your way out of a lie? do you need to find a date before your lie is discovered?” So of course you reach for it wondering how you could have possibly happened upon the exact book you need out of all of the books in this store.

Your fingers have just barely grazed the paper when the book is snatched away by someone standing behind you.

“Hey! I need that book!” You soon around, ready to argue with whoever’s just taken it.

“I’m sure I need this more than you do,” The most handsome man you’ve ever seen stands less than three inches from you, holding the book that’s possibly going to save your life (your social life, that is). “This book is exactly what I need right now. So unless you’ve lied to your mother about having a Valentine’s date with your non-existent girlfriend just so she won’t come visit, but then she insists that you and your girlfriend come meet her and your father on Saturday when you, in fact, have no girlfriend at all, I think I need this more than you.”

All his handsomeness won’t save him. You’re not going to let the book go that easily, not when it might hold the answers you’re looking for. You fold your arms over your chest and try to give this attractive guy your most intimidating look.

“Listen, buddy.” The guy has the audacity to smirk at your tone of voice, but you ignore that and continue. “I didn’t lie to my mom, but I did lie to all of my friends, so if you could just hand me that book, that would be great. A group of friends outweighs one mom any day.” You hold out your hand and gesture for him to put the book in your palm.

“I don’t think so.” He turns to walk away from you, so you grab his arm.

“Please.” You beg, tugging slightly on his arm. “I lied and told them that I had this great boyfriend as an excuse for why I couldn’t go to this stupid couple’s party a friend of ours is throwing. Like obviously, I wasn’t going to go because I’m single, but when that was pointed out I just couldn’t help the lie that I wasn’t single and I’ve got this hot boyfriend and then I promised we’ll be at the party tonight, and if I don’t show up then I’m going to just, like, die. They’ll all know I was lying.”

The book-stealer stares at you for a long moment, and just at the point where it’s almost grown uncomfortable, he clears his throat and holds the book out to you.

You reach for it, but he pulls it out of your reach and says, “I have a proposition for you. Just listen.”

You sigh, but you do listen.

“My names Jung Jaehyun. I’m 22 years old today, I’m an Aquarius. I like books, I’m majoring in elementary education, I work part-time at a daycare.” He holds his hand out to you. “And if I promise to be your pretend boyfriend to your party tonight, will you swear to be my fake girlfriend and come meet my parents on Saturday?”

He could be a murderer. That’s what makes you hesitate.

A guy like that, with a face so beautiful, and a smile that’s actually quite charming, he should definitely be in a relationship or at least have a fuckbuddy he could call up and ask this favor of. So if he doesn’t have either of those, then what’s up with him?

“I’m not a serial killer or anything, if that’s what that look on your face means. I swear,” Jaehyun holds up a hand. “I’m just a guy looking for a girl to help me lie to my parents. And you’re just a girl looking for a guy to help you lie to your friends, right?”

You nod slowly.

“So do we have a deal? I help you tonight, and you help me on Saturday?” Jaehyun holds his hand out to you again for you to shake. “And if you back out on your end of the promise, I’ll find your friends and tell them all that I’m an escort you hired to lie to them, kinda like Pretty Woman.”

You think that’s fair.

“And just to be clear,” You reach forward and put your hand in his. “You’re the pretty woman, right?”

Jaehyun grins, “Of course I am.”

And you shake on it, making it a binding deal thanks to the magic of the book shop.

Jaehyun was actually really nice although a bit messy, you realized as you stopped by his apartment on your way to the party that evening.

After the bargain made in the book shop, you’d left together, neither one of you purchasing that book, and you’d headed to a cafe so Jaehyun could learn enough about you that your friends might buy that you’d been dating for a little while. He told you about himself too. And then you both spent a while laughing as you made up stories together of your past dates and how you met (although that one you kept fairly close to the truth).

It seems like the hours tick by quickly, and soon it’s almost time for you to be at the party.

You’re already dressed nice enough for the occasion, but Jaehyun’s sweatshirt and jeans that have seen better days wouldn’t pass the approval of your friends, but he assures you that if you stop by his place on the way to the party he does have something nicer to wear.

“I’m not coming inside,” You tell him as Jaehyun opens the door of his apartment. “I still don’t fully believe you’re not going to turn out to be a serial killer.”

You’re teasing, and you know he knows it.

Jaehyun leaves the door of his apartment open and you lean in, just wanting a quick look around. You tell yourself that it’s just for extra story details in case someone asks about it later, but mostly you’re just curious.

“I thought you said you weren’t coming in?” Jaehyun asks when he glances over and notices you stepping inside just a little bit. He’s gathering up some clothes from the floor (you really hope his outfit choice for the night isn’t in that pile) and, as you look around, you notice that his apartment is really just a tiny studio apartment.

It’s a straight shot from the door where you stand to the back of the apartment. Very narrow with a row of storage compartments on the wall to your left and the kitchenette on your right. A door just beyond the skinny refrigerator leads into what you figure is the bathroom, and along the wall that continues from there is a couch.

And that couch is where Jaehyun piles all of the clothes he quickly gathers up.

“It’s not much,” He tells you while he runs his hands through his hair and glances around. “Sorry, what time is the party?”

“We have an hour.” You take another step inside and the door swings shut behind you. Jaehyun nods and moves out of your sight across the room from the couch, and you don’t walk that way, assuming that’s where his bed is, and you don’t want to totally invade your fake boyfriend’s privacy, so instead you stand in the kitchenette and look at the pictures Jaehyun has stuck with magnets onto his fridge.

It’s a combination of photographs and hand-drawn art. There’s family pictures of Jaehyun with a man and a woman that can only be his parents. A few of him with friends, some Polaroids that are scribbled on with marker to add extra details to his friends faces. The hand-drawn artwork you expect is from the kids at the daycare he was telling you about.

You’re so busy looking at the fridge art that you don’t notice Jaehyun until he clears his throat beside you.

“How do I look? Will I pass your friends’ inspections?” He takes a step back and holds out his arms, spinning around for you to get the whole effect.

He wears a clean white button down shirt, a tie, and a pair of dark wash fitted jeans that are truly well-fitted for him. You pull your eyes away from his legs and catch his smile.

“You’ll be fine probably.” Definitely more than fine. You’ll be lucky if none of your friends try and steal him away. “Are you ready?”

The party is at a bar ingeniously named Brewman’s Place. When you step inside, you’re not surprised that Peter and Hyerim would choose it for their party. The entire bar is dark, shiny wood. Thin strings of lights hang and weave through the wooden beams overhead. Brewman’s Place is definitely one of the nicer, cleaner bars you’ve ever been to in this city.

“You came!” Comes a chorus of voices when the door closes behind you. You sweep your coat off and drape it over a nearby chair, and walk toward the cluster of your friends, most of them were at brunch this morning. And you’re most pleased to notice that the girl who’d (correctly) assumed earlier that you were single is there, although at the moment her face holds a smug expression that’s trying not to be too smug.

“Where’s your boyfriend?” She asks while sipping her wine. “Could he not make it?”

Her tone heavily implies that she fully believes that you’ve made everything up, that you really showed up at this party without a date, and that you’re going to lie to their faces again. And she’s partially right, you are going to lie to them again, but you didn’t come to this party alone.

“Oh no, he’s here. Jaehyun just had to take a call. He’ll be in in a minute.” You smile. “I can’t wait for you all to meet him.”

With your back to the door, you don’t see the door open, but you know the moment it does because you see it in the faces of your friends, their expressions shifting as they first lay eyes on Jaehyun.

“Excuse me, this is a private party.”

Jaehyun smiles and doesn’t break his stride as he walks right up to you, slides his arm around your waist and kisses your cheek. “Sorry, that was Mom, checking to make sure that we’re spending my birthday right.”

His mother’s call couldn’t have come at a better time. You appreciated the drama of his delayed entrance and the effect it had had on your friends.

“Everyone, this is Jaehyun, my boyfriend. Jaehyun, this is everyone.” You smile brightly, and everyone is looking at Jaehyun.

Sure he’s probably not actually like the absolute hottest man on the planet, but he is definitely the most attractive man you have ever seen in front of your eyes. The way they all look at him, you know it’s not just you looking at him that way.

“So, it’s your birthday?” Peter asks, breaking the silence after a moment. “Happy birthday, man. Sorry, Y/N dragged you to this instead of whatever other plans you had. I’m Peter, by the way.”

Slowly, actual introductions are made, and it’s no surprise to you how friendly Jaehyun is and how quickly he wins over your friends. Soon he’s laughing with the guys, drinking and talking, and sometimes you’ll catch him watching you when you’re across the room talking to someone else and he’ll smile and wink, causing you to temporarily lose your train of thought.

And it’s all great. It’s not super Valentines-y. Sure, there are several Couple games that are played which you and Jaehyun are surprisingly good at, and the drinks that the brewman behind Brewman’s Place serves all night are Valentine’s themed, plus the cake that Hyerim and Peter cut later in the night is shaped like a heart.

Someone finds a little candle and sticks it in a slice of the cake and you hand it to Jaehyun while everyone sings “Happy Birthday” to him and then Peter and the guys buy his drinks for the rest of the night.

By the time the party’s ending, you’re by Jaehyun’s side again, sitting at the bar and picking at a slice of cake while Jaehyun drinks a glass of water.

His foot taps against your ankle to the beat of the music that’s playing, that a few of Peter and Hyerim’s drunk guests are still attempting to dance to several feet away. Jaehyun watches them, watches the way that one of your friends is sitting in her boyfriend’s lap, making out with him without a care in the world.

“You know,” Jaehyun leans in a little bit closer. “The reason I lied to my mom in the first place, this is stupid, but I was planning to just stay in tonight. Eaten ramen, watch Netflix, have a sad wank out of loneliness.” His ears and cheeks are colored lightly pink, and you figure that’s more from what he just said than the alcohol. “I just wanted a night in, but really, I’m so glad I ran into you earlier. This was exactly what I needed.”

“A party where a bunch of strangers sang you happy birthday, and a girl made you pretend to be interested in her?” You stab your fork into what’s left of your slice of cake and sit it on the bar. “You deserve a better Valentine’s Birthday than this. You deserve better than the pity party you had planned for yourself too. Like, do you know how handsome you are? You saw the way everyone’s jaws dropped when you walked in, right? You could go out and pick up anyone you wanted probably, but you were just going to stay home and jerk off?” You tut at him.

Jaehyun smiles at someone behind you, and when you look, you just see Peter giving him a thumbs up.

“What was that—?” You turn back around, but when your feel something against your lips, you freeze. Jaehyun’s thumb brushes your bottom lip, slowly drawing across that sensitive area.

“Sorry, you had some frosting.” Jaehyun sucks His thumb into his mouth to clean it off. “And, I really want you to know that I’ve had a really good time tonight. If I’d gone out with my friends, you think I wouldn’t have had a bunch of random strangers singing me happy birthday then too? And you didn’t make me do anything, remember. This was my idea.”

You roll your eyes a little. “Yeah, but—“

“And also, I don’t have to pretend to be interested in you. You are interesting. And you’re pretty, smart, passionate, like I thought for a moment earlier you were going to deck me for that book. I think you have a lot of thoughts in here,” Jaehyun taps your forehead. “That you don’t let anyone know, which is a shame. I just find you really interesting, you know.”

Jaehyun fiddles with his tie, his ears burn brightly, and you smile and laugh a little, unable to help yourself as you lean forward and touch his ears, covering his blush. He smiles, embarrassed, and you spot his dimples, and you just want to touch his face, to feel his skin which looks so smooth and soft.

As if he can tell what you’re thinking, Jaehyun takes your hand and presses the back of it to his cheek.

“Closing up now.”

The bartender places another glass of water down on the bar, and you and Jaehyun break apart.

You reach for the water and gulp half of it down in one go, needing it to cool off just a bit because suddenly you’re feeling very warm and tingly and you swear you can feel the ghost of Jaehyun’s hand around yours pressing the back of it to his cheek.

You go around quickly and tell Hyerim and Peter goodbye and thank them for the party.

“Thank you for coming!” Hyerim giggles as she hugs you. “And Jaehyun’s really amazing. He’s so kind and handsome and the way he looks at you,” She sighs. “I think you may have found a great one, Y/N.”

There’s nothing to really say to that. Not when this is a fake relationship, when Hyerim and Peter and all the rest of them will probably never see Jaehyun again after tonight.

Jaehyun helps you put on your coat and he makes a show of putting his arm around your shoulders as you walk outside, and it feels so nice and warm to be tucked into his side, but a few steps from the Brewman’s Place, you both come to a stop.

It’s where you part ways.

Your apartment is to the left. Jaehyun’s is back to the right.

“So, uh,” Jaehyun rubs the back of his head. “See you Saturday, I guess. It won’t be anything fancy, so don’t worry. And my parents are really great people, so they won’t give you a hard time or anything. I’ll text you where we’re meeting once my parents decide. Bye.”

He starts to turn away and you reach out and grab his sleeve. Jaehyun comes back around to face you so quickly, it’s almost like he was hoping you would stop him.

“You don’t actually have my number,” You remind him. “That could complicate things a little.”

“Oh, right,” Jaehyun smiles and pulls his phone out of his pocket with fumbling, cold fingers. “Here, you can enter it in.” He holds it out to you, and just as you reach for it, he pulls it out of your reach.

You let out a puff of laughter that hangs as a thin cloud in the cold air between you and Jaehyun. “Really, you’re doing this again?” You reach for the phone, hopping and sliding a little bit toward him, and Jaehyun reaches out to steady you.

“I have another proposition. Actually less of a proposition, more of just a question with no strings or anything like that you’d get with a proposition.” You watch as Jaehyun slides his phone back into his pocket. He seems to struggle a bit with his next words, as if he’s not entirely sure what way to say them so they’ll sound right.

So you put the words into his mouth that you’re hoping were about to come out anyway.

“Jaehyun, do you maybe want to have sex with me?”

He lets out a nervous jolt of laughter. “Yeah. Yes, that’s what I was going to ask. I mean, do you? Want to have sex with me? I don’t want you to think that you have to or anything like that.”

“I want to.” You step closer and slip your hand into his. “For one, because you’re really, really cute. For another, I just kinda like you and think it could be nice. And also it’s Valentine’s Day, we went on a date, we’re both mature adults, of course our night should end in sex, right? It’s casual.”

“Right,” Jaehyun bites his lip and nods, and the way that his gaze moves down your body sends a warm flush through you.

You grab a taxi back to Jaehyun’s place since it’s closer. You drive past places and people who are still decked out in pinks and reds and confections and hearts. Boxes of chocolates and beautiful flowers sit in illuminated window displays, and a little part of you wishes that you had a Valentine’s Day like that. A classic romantic day with a real relationship.

But you have Jaehyun, and for right now, that’s nice.

He holds your hand when you get out of the taxi, his fingers laced through yours as you climb the stairs up to his apartment, and you hope he can’t feel the nervous beating of your heart.

And not that you know it, but Jaehyun’s holding your hand and hoping that you can’t tell how quickly his heart is beating, he’s hoping you don’t mind that his palms are a little sweaty, hoping you can’t tell that he’s still blushing, and most of all he’s hoping you don’t ask him when the last time is that he’s done this.

It’s been a while. For both of you.

Once you’re in his tiny apartment again, the door closed, and Jaehyun’s fingers pulling out of yours so he can take your coat instead, you feel a strange sense of calm wash over you, confidence.

When he turns back from hanging your coat and his on the rack behind the door, you’re waiting.

Jaehyun gasps a little when he realizes you’re so close, as your fingers touch his neck and he angles his head as you stretch up a little on your toes to kiss him.

Jaehyun’s lips are soft and sweet.

But you can still taste traces of alcohol on his breath, taste it as his tongue meets yours.

The kiss skips straight over the innocence a first kiss might have, diving right into a kiss of passion. You can feel the heat of the kiss raging through your body, your hands don’t rest for a moment on Jaehyun’s body, immediately reaching to begin undressing him.

You tug at his tie, and Jaehyun moans, reaching up to help you unfasten the tie, and then it’s cast away.

Jaehyun stumbles a few steps down the narrow hallway (for lack of a better word) toward his bedroom, but only makes it a few steps before he staggers sideways, almost slipping on the discarded tie.

He crashes against the wall with a breathless laugh and you fall with him. Jaehyun smiles brightly, his cheeks soft and squishy and his eyes turn to crescents behind his cheeks. And those dimples. You think you’re in love with those dimples.

Jaehyun stays against the wall, his hands on your hips keep you held against him, and he leans in to kiss you once again.

With his tie gone, there’s nothing to keep you from tugging his shirt up from where it’s tucked in. Nothing to keep you from unbuttoning his shirt as his hands move, one down to cup your ass, the other slides upward and finds your breasts.

You unbutton his shirt as quickly as you can, and at last your fingers find the last button and you push his shirt open, sliding your fingers underneath.

Jaehyun gasps and lets out a sound akin to a moan. He watches you push at his shirt more, letting it fall from his shoulders, and he enjoys the way you’re looking at him. Hungrily and excited, like you’ve just unwrapped your present.

He’s hairier than you expected. A light dusting of hair on his chest and a trail that leads down below the waistband of his jeans. You touch his stomach, tracing that trail lightly with your fingers.

“Fuck,” Jaehyun’s head drops back against the wall, and when you look up at him, his eyes are closed, and his cheeks are a little pink. You smile and lean in, press a kiss to his throat that draws another moan from him.

As your fingers reach his waistband, you dare to press your palm a little lower, and you feel the firmness of Jaehyun’s erection below the material.

You kiss his throat again, and Jaehyun’s hands fall to your hips, holding tight as he spins things around so you’re the one with your back to the wall. He kisses you again and his hands wander over you, plucking and pulling at your clothes until you’re in a similar state of undress: your top is gone as you stand there in your bra and pants, kissed breathless against the wall.

His bulge rubs against your belly, and as he begins rocking his hips against you for just a bit of friction, you feel your arousal growing. Jaehyun sucks your tongue a little and you let out a defeated sort of whine, and pull out of the kiss.

Your hands are both resting low on his hips, your thumbs dip below his waistband, and the moment Jaehyun shifts back half a step, you’re sinking to your knees. You just want to have him in your mouth.

Ever since you saw that happy trail leading to his cock, it’s all that you’ve wanted to just kiss below his navel and then give him the best head he’ll ever get on his Valentine’s Day Birthday.

So that’s exactly what you do.

“You don’t have to…” Jaehyun starts to say even as his fingers move into your hair, even as you settle on your knees and look up at him through your eyelashes.

His breath comes out shaky when you kiss just below his belly button. Your fingers work to undo the button fastening closed his jeans, and you place another kiss just a bit lower than the first. You drag down the zipper, kiss again.

Jaehyun’s hands beat you to pushing his jeans down. And then there’s his cock, pushing against the soft material of his underwear, a wet spot already forming at the tip.

You skip the last bit of kissing his happy trail in favor of landing a kiss on the covered head of his dick.

Jaehyun’s fingers fly back to your hair, pushing it back so he can clearly see your face as you look up at him and lean in to do that again.

This time you fit your lips around the clothed tip and suck a little, run your tongue over that sensitive spot, and smile to yourself as Jaehyun moans again.

You pull back and lick your lips. “Do you want me to suck you off?” You ask, and the words aren’t even fully out of your mouth yet before Jaehyun is nodding.

Not wanting to let him or yourself down, you go back to kissing the last bit of his trail, and you drag down the elastic band of his underwear slowly. You enjoy the feel of the heat of his skin against your face, the smell of Jaehyun which is something musky, boyish, but also something fresh like pine.

“Oh, this feels…” Jaehyun sighs, and you’re not even touching his dick right now, but it’s just the feeling of your lips on his skin, the slow and gentle way you’re teasing him right now, that’s driving him crazy.

You kneel back and, tired of waiting, you drag the last layer of clothing on Jaehyun’s body the rest of the way down. And then you’re eye-to-eye with his cock and the tamed (but definitely present) amount of hair around his base.

You stroke your thumbs in circles at his hips, and Jaehyun seems to be holding his breath, waiting to feel your lips, your warm mouth that he likes so much, to finally be around his desperately hard erection.

You lick your lips again and then lean in.

The last time you sucked dick was your last relationship months ago. He had always liked to control you in bed, and that had been fine mostly, but now with Jaehyun, you want to have a bit more free rein.

And he lets you. He doesn’t move to make you do anything, he just lets you take him in slowly.

You suck on the tip for a moment before you bring one hand to his base and start taking more of him in. You take it slow, not pushing yourself too hard because you don’t want to choke around him, and Jaehyun just strokes your hair and moans.

When your lips meet your fingers, your gag reflex is triggered, and the feeling of your throat convulsing around him making a muscle in Jaehyun’s thigh start twitching and his grip on your hair grows tighter. As you pull back off, the flavor of his precum drags over your tongue, and something primal takes over, and you forget about what you wanted to do, how slow you wanted to take this to see how far you could draw this out. That small bit of precum on your tongue takes over and all you can think of is Jaehyun cumming on your tongue.

When you kneel back and just sit there with the tip of his cock between your lips, it takes a moment but then Jaehyun starts moving, thrusting into your mouth, and you close your eyes and go with the pace that he sets. Your hand jerking over what your mouth doesn’t cover.

Jaehyun curses, leans forward with his arms against the wall over your head to steady himself while you pull pleasure from him so well.

Not that he would admit it to you, but it’s been so long since he had more than his hand. Totally random hook-ups weren’t quite his style, so Jaehyun hadn’t actually had sex or more than a hot makeout with some grinding and maybe a handjob if he was lucky in nearly a year.

So, your mouth hot around him, your pretty eyes and lips, your hand fast on his cock, pushes him close to the edge much faster than Jaehyun intended.

“Ah, fuck,” his hips snap forward, and you put your hands both on his hips to hold him back to where you can take him. “I’m gonna cum, fuck.”

Jaehyun moans as you push forward and take his whole length down to the base, swallow and suck as you pull up, take more in, suck and moan.

He cums with a long, low moan that sends a gush of wetness into your panties. His load fills your mouth quickly and you swallow as well as you can, Jaehyun’s little thrusts as he rides out his orgasm only serving to push cum out of the corners of your mouth.

Jaehyun takes a step back on shaky legs, and you smile and swallow. He doesn’t taste bad, better than your last boyfriend. Jaehyun’s back hits the wall across from you and he slides down slowly, pushing his hands through his hair.

“That was great. That was amazing.” He drags a hand over his chest, massaging his pecs. “You’re the best fake girlfriend I’ve ever gotten real head from.”

“Well that’s the first real blowjob I’ve given in a long while.” You wipe at the corners of your mouth.

Jaehyun moves across the floor to you, takes you by the back of the neck, and pulls you into another kiss.

You’re a bit surprised when he goes straight for your pants. Pleasantly surprised, that is. You half expected for things to be over now that he’d gotten his birthday blowjob, but Jaehyun wants more and so do you. The sea of arousal soaking your panties is evidence enough of that.

Jaehyun wrestles your pants down your legs.

For the first time, as Jaehyun sits back to get your pants over your ankles, you’re hit with a new wave of self-consciousness.

When you left the house that morning, you were expecting just brunch with your friends, maybe a little shopping, and then a night in of just you and some good food and a book or a movie. You hadn’t expected you’d be about to have sex with the most gorgeous man you’d ever met, but here you are in that exact situation.

You hadn’t shaved that morning or the previous day or even the day before that, if you’re being honest. It was winter and you were single and shaving was too much effort sometimes.

And until that moment when your legs are totally bare and all you’re left in is your bra and a pair of panties, you’re brutally aware of your unshaven legs that are made more prickly by the chilly air of Jaehyun’s apartment on your bare skin. And your bikini region isn’t necessarily the most maintained at the moment. Landscaping hasn’t been a priority given the singleness and winter weather.

So as Jaehyun’s finally removes your pants, you close your legs and draw them up to your chest a little.

“What’s wrong?” Jaehyun freezes where he is, not wanting to make another move because every part of your body language is suddenly telling him that you’re not exactly feeling what he thought was about to happen. “Did I do something?”

You glance down at your knees. “Sorry, no. You haven’t done anything, it’s just I know most guys are kinda turned off by women with body hair.” Your ex was, he wouldn’t touch you if you hadn’t shaved, but he was kinda an asshole. Not that you’re going to tell Jaehyun any of that stuff. “And full disclosure, I haven’t shaved my legs in a few days and for other places, it’s maybe been a little longer.”

You don’t want to look at Jaehyun. You can feel his eyes on you, and you’re sure that he’s picking out all the hairs, all the little things.

“So I understand if that’s a turn off for you.” You mumble.

Jaehyun moves forward then. You feel his hand on your calf, sliding around to hold your leg, he moves it. And then he does the same with your other leg before he scoots forward a bit more until he’s sitting right in front of you with your legs on either side of his hips.

“For me,” Jaehyun smiles. “This is definitely not a problem. It’s just hair.”

His fingers brush lightly over the crotch of your panties, over the wet spot there.

“If you want,” Jaehyun watched the way you shiver when his finger runs over your clit, separated by the damp material of your panties. “I’m totally happy to still have sex.” He leans in and kisses the corner of your mouth, his fingers still moving over your panties. “What do you think? What do you want?”

“Yeah,” You gasp, for at that moment Jaehyun’s fingers swept your panties to the side, and he slid a finger right over your entrance. “Please, Jaehyun.”

A moment later, you’re on your back on the floor, Jaehyun kisses you, his bare chest against your chest, his hand inside your panties. He rubs at your clit for a moment, kissing the gasps and moans from your lips, and then he gives you a single finger.

“You’re so wet. Sucking me off really turned you on didn’t it?” He murmurs against your lips, swirling the finger inside of you. “And just think, both of us would have ended up spending tonight alone, if things would’ve gone to plan.”

“Stop talking.” You moan and drag his mouth back down to yours.

Jaehyun fits another finger inside you, searching for your G spot, scissoring his fingers open, stimulating you with his thumb still on your clit. You can feel your orgasm coming, but you want him inside of you when you do.

“Stop. Stop, I’m going to cum.” You swat at his shoulder. “I want you inside me. I want to feel you.”

In an instant, Jaehyun’s fingers are gone as well as your panties, and then Jaehyun is gone too, ducking into the bathroom for a moment before he’s back, tearing open the condom wrapper with his teeth before rolling it down his length.

“You good?” He asks, running his hand over his cock a few times.

“Yeah,” You sit up and move forward. “But can I ride you?”

Jaehyun sits there on his knees, his legs spread, hand on his cock, and he nods, trying not to show his excitement.

It’s not the easiest position to get comfortable in, with Jaehyun staying like that. But you move forward, straddle him, and then Jaehyun pushes up into you and you settle down with his cock entirely inside you.

Jaehyun leans back, letting you hold onto his shoulders and start riding him. You watch the pink of his blush spread from his ears to his cheeks to his neck and chest. He bites his lip, trying to hold in his moans, but you’ve heard them already and you’d love to hear more.

“What are you being so quiet for?” You ask. “I want to hear you moan. Please, Jaehyun.”

He curls his hand against the back of your neck and crushes your mouth to his in a kiss that’s little more than just that. You bounce on his cock, and you hear his muffled moans against your lips.

Louder, you want to tell him, but instead you lean back, putting your hand to the floor to give you some more leverage so when you thrust down on him he hits right against your G spot. You moan his name, and the rest of the sounds that come out each time his cock hits that spot inside of you are completely out of your control.

Soon your whole body feels consumed by pleasure. You can feel yourself sweating and your muscles ache, but it feels so good.

“Fuck, you’re so hot.” Jaehyun moans, and he reaches for your chest, putting a hand on one of your boobs.

The stimulation of his fingers on your nipple has you clenching around his cock, and you sit up again, settling down in his lap as your legs can’t hold you anymore.

“I can’t,” You groan, squeezing around him, trying to shift to get him pressed just right against that spot. “I’m so close. Please, Jaehyun.”

He tilts you backwards, careful but also careless as he thrusts into you. His chest is sweaty, sticking against yours, and you drag your nails up his back, digging them in as your orgasm hits.

Jaehyun follows soon after, filling the condom inside you, and his moans are all that you can hear. He thrusts into you shallowly a few more times before he pulls out, ties the condom off, and tosses it toward the trash bin a few feet away. Then he collapses on top of you, his hot sticky skin pressed to yours once again.

“We haven’t even made it to the bed yet,” He pants a little, pressing his lips to your shoulder. “So, another round?”

You tilt your head to judge the distance between where you currently are and the bed, and you laugh. It’s just a few feet away, but you just got fucked on the floor. Quite well fucked, you might add. But, yeah, you think you could go for another.

Jaehyun’s stamina surprises you.

“Yeah, let’s go.” You wait as he climbs to his feet and then helps you to yours, and then you’re in his bed, Jaehyun’s lips on your thighs, hands pushing them apart.

You don’t have time or a place in your mind to think about what you’re doing, you just lie back and enjoy the feeling of Jaehyun eating you out. He’s sloppy about it, a lot of spit, slipping his fingers into you in search of that spot that’ll make you cum for him, and it’s not long before you do.

Your orgasm hits, and you dig your fingers into the pillow behind you and roll your hips against Jaehyun’s face, you catch the way that his eyes are watching you, enjoying every bit of seeing you fall apart for him.

And then you’re simply worn out. The day has been filled with too many things. Lying and scheming and birthday having and Valentine’s Day fucking.

You close your eyes and reach down to Jaehyun who’s still lapping at your pussy. “That’s enough. I don’t think I can take any more. You give me any more orgasms, and it’s not fair for your birthday.”

“Maybe giving you orgasms is the best present I could ask for,” Jaehyun suggests teasingly, and you gasp when he licks your clit once more, but he’s done after that.

You’re not even sure if you can open your eyes anymore. It’s late and Jaehyun’s given you two great orgasms, you’re too tired.

He slides up the bed to lay beside you, and you feel him pull the covers up over both of you.

“Stay,” he whispers. “Please tell me you’ll stay.”

“For you? Of course.” You push your face against his shoulder. His arm slides around you, and within moments you’ve fallen asleep.

You’re woken some time the next day by a loud crash as Jaehyun’s apartment door flies open, and then a second later, a boy with big eyes, sharp features, and bright pink hair comes around the corner.

He freezes when he sees Jaehyun sitting halfway upright, and then his eyes slide past him to where your face is half hidden in the pillow with the comforter tugged all the way up to your chin.

“He didn’t need us!” The boy exclaims, gesturing at you in the bed. “He’s got someone already here keeping him company.”

“What?” Another voice says from the hallway, and a moment later a tall guy peers around the corner, looking at the two of you.

You groan and pull the covers over your head, and when Jaehyun tries to pull some of them away from you so he can at least hide a little bit too, you pinch his thigh and leave him out there to deal with his friends.

The two guys, who Jaehyun eventually convinces to leave for a minute so you two can get dressed, are Taeyong and Johnny, his best friends.

After you’ve gotten dressed in the first clothes you can find (because Taeyong is standing impatiently outside the apartment door counting down from sixty), the two guys tease Jaehyun for making a big deal out of always spending his birthday alone, so they’d come over to have a post-birthday birthday party.

But they found you and realized Jaehyun had already had a birthday celebration of sorts.

They’d brought a cake, some alcohol. Clearly a great party.

“You can stay,” Jaehyun tells you quietly as you head for the bathroom while Johnny and Taeyong are distracted with lighting the candles for Jaehyun’s cake. “I guarantee they won’t be here long. And besides, I had a lot of fun with your yesterday, and I was thinking we could grab lunch or something.”

You’re currently dressed in a pair of boxers and a t-shirt of his that you’d pulled off the floor, and you’d have to be blind to not notice the way that Jaehyun hasn’t been able to take his eyes off of you in it. If you stay, maybe you can get the chance to have him inside you again.

“Stay,” He holds your hand. “We’ll eat some cake, and I’ll tell them to leave. I really like you, and besides, we need to study up on each other if you’re keeping your side of the deal to meet my parents tomorrow.”

If Jaehyun wasn’t so handsome and cute, if he didn’t make you feel like the sun was glowing from inside you, you would have said no.

“Okay,” you glance toward the kitchenette. “But I’m going to take a shower now.”

Jaehyun nods happily, and you close the bathroom door right as you hear the first notes of “Happy Birthday” being sung.

When you get out of the shower a handful or two of minutes later, feeling fresh and clean, you find that your clothes from the night before are folded on the edge of the sink, although you panties are suspiciously missing, but you decide not to hold that against Jaehyun.

True to his word, Jaehyun sends his friends away sooner rather than later. They’re nice guys, and from what you get to know of them in the time that they’re there, you think you could be friends with them too.

The rest of the day is spent alternately making out, talking about random things, having sex, eating cake, and then actually talking about your pasts, genuinely getting to know each other. And the more you learn about Jaehyun, the more you like him until later that night (as he kisses your neck right after telling you about how his childhood dream of being an astronaut transformed into his adulthood reality of studying to become a teacher) when you start to think that as crazy as this might be when considering how this started and also how it’s only been a day since you met him, you think he could be the one.

Like full on Disney “we’ve only just met but I’m in love” kind of feelings.

And those feelings are still there the next morning as you drag yourself away from him so you can go home, shower (finally shave), change clothes, and then go meet Jaehyun and his parents for lunch.

Those feelings are there all through the journey back to your apartment, through your time getting ready as you wear a scarf that will cover the hickeys he left low on your throat. The nice fluttery warm feeling lasts to the restaurant, intensifying when Jaehyun puts his hand on your waist and when he pulls out your chair for you to sit on.

You feel that feeling as Jaehyun asks you a few days later if you’d actually like to be his real girlfriend, it lasts for weeks, through multiple real dates.

The feeling grows and grows through real confessions of “I love you”, through brief hardships that appear, through Jaehyun graduating to become a teacher.

The love grows.

And then comes the next Valentine’s Day Birthday. One year to the day since you met, and Jaehyun tells you to meet him at that book shop before he takes you out to dinner.

You hold his present in your hand, just something simple that he’d mentioned wanting in passing a week or two before. You wait in the store, browsing absently as you wait for him to arrive, and finally he does.

You hear the bell over the shop’s door, and then Jaehyun’s there, sweeping you into a hug, kissing your cheek. “Happy Valentine’s Day.”

“Happy birthday,” You reply, and you hold out the present to him. “I have something for you.”

Jaehyun’s smile grows wider and he opens the gift and you know that he’s grateful for it, but at that moment he doesn’t say it. Instead he says, “I have something for you, too.”

And then he sinks down into one knee, pulls a small box from his pocket, and holds it up to you.

“This is for you.”

When he pulls the lid back, and you see that resting on the soft black velvet of the box is a key, you let out a half-outraged cry. “Jaehyun! Oh my god.”

He laughs and stands up, he pulls you into a hug. “Will you move in with me? I’m sorry, I couldn’t help the dramatics. Did you think I was going to ask you something else?”

You pinch his side and he laughs harder. Of course you’ll move in with him, even if you were just moving into the tiny apartment (but after you say yes, he reveals that he’s got a new place, bigger, nicer).

Because for him, you’d live anywhere as long as Jaehyun was there with you.

a/n: if you’ve read this whole thing thank you so much! if you liked it please like and reblog (and if you add comments in a reblog I’ll love you forever.

this was partially inspired by a few asks I’ve had recently about sucking jaehyun off and also by the recent discussions about hairy jaehyun and also some anons were talking about being self conscious about their body hair, and I probably could’ve gone on and on with the fake relationship thing because that’s one of my favorite tropes, but I had to cut it short (yes, I am considering 9.5k words short in this case) because otherwise this could’ve been super extremely long

#jaehyun #jaehyun smut #jaehyun fic #jaehyun fanfic #nct #nct smut #nct fic #nct fanfic #nct jaehyun #nct jaehyun smut #nct jaehyun fic #jung jaehyun #smut #kpop #kpop smut

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jet-playin-around · 5 years ago

Text

When You Know

Potter was up to something. Sure, that sounds rich coming from me, but I knew it. And I was right you know, so you can just stop laughing at me. He took to sneaking out of his own blasted house every blasted night, then acted like nothing happened the next day.

Okay, no, I didn't actually have the right to complain. I was a guest in his house; it's not like we're anything more than friends - and even that would have been pushing it. But it irked me.

He doesn't trust me, after all this time. After working together for years.

Of course, knowing Potter, I thought to myself ‘he's probably just feeding homeless puppies or nursing sick children.’ Orphans, I mean… Unless random people let him into their homes to-

Fuck me, they probably do. Bloody saint.

Or, you know, maybe he was fucking someone. I didn't like to think about it, but it was a definite possibility. He's a man, after all… A virile... fit man. And there I was, cramping his style. Encroaching on his territory. It could have been something he did on a regular basis, for all I knew. But then, why not tell me?

Whatever. It's fine. It's not like I wanted anything from him. Potter offered to let me stay with him while my flat was being renovated. I certainly wasn't hoping to use the opportunity to get an eyeful of Potter in his natural habitat. It's not like I'm so bloody frustrated with how dense he is that I've taken to wanking in the loo during my lunch break after he looks at me for too long, with his intense green eyes and his long, dark lashes. That darkening of his cheeks, implying that he knows just what he's doing to my skin, to my cock.

No, I did not break my plumbing just for such an opportunity. I don't want my flat to smell like the toilet at a skeezy club, thank you.

But any thoughts I could have entertained about taking full advantage of the opportunity I wasn't looking for flew right out the window when he fucking disappeared that first night. It's been two weeks now, and he's still doing it every other night or so. He waits till he thinks I'm asleep, then leaves. Through the front door, like some Muggle. Yesterday, I watched him walk down Grimmauld Place like he didn't know how to Apparate or Floo… It makes no sense.

Tonight, though, I was ready. I found Potter’s Invisibility Cloak last night and stashed it in the bedroom he lent me. All I had to do was follow him. Assuming he wouldn’t Apparate from farther away - which would be ridiculous, frankly - finding out what was going on should have been a piece of cake.

He didn’t Apparate, the wanker. He kept walking. Fucking prat. I am not in shape for something like that, even with Auror training and frequent casework. We don't go gallivanting through Muggle London, for fuck’s sake. We Apparate to the necessary sites and back. We throw spells and curses, not punches. The most active we get is dodging enemy fire, and that generally consists of a handy Pprotego or two.

After at least a mile, maybe two, we entered a shopping district, houses and gardens giving way to shops with little flats above them - all closed by now. And Potter kept walking. I was thankful for the Invisibility Cloak at that point. I'm sure I looked positively frightful, never mind that the Ccloak likely didn’t help matters. I shudder to think of the state of my hair under that thing…

We passed a Tesco, then a darkened petrol station, and a plethora of other shops before Potter slowed, finally stopping outside of a brightly lit picture window. Inside, a group of equally bright patrons were laughing heartily, shoving at each other and tossing their heads back with it. A small smile spread on Potter’s face and widened when one of the group caught sight of him and waved him into what appeared to be an all night café.

“What took you so long, Potter?” the waver demanded when we approached the table, standing to embrace him.

It took me a moment to realise that I had no idea whether this was a man or a woman… They wore a loose, sleeveless shirt and sagging jeansdenims, showing off lightly muscled arms as well as numerous tattoos and the worn waistband of faded boxers. Their hair was cut short on the sides but a bit longer on top, and a streak of blue trailed from the center of their cowlick to a flourish in the front, just above their brow.

Around the table, the others were rising to greet Potter with varying degrees of warmth and excitement, but all seemed genuinely pleased to see him. When he sat, a slim man with long sleeves that seemed to be unattached to anything promptly dropped himself into Potter’s lap, winding long arms around his neck, and tossed his head as if to remove an annoying strand of hair from his face - which was absurd since every single sandy lock he had was plastered to his scalp - and then laid his head on Potter’s shoulder and simpered.

“I was beginning to think you wouldn't come,” he whinged.

“Why wouldn't I come?” Potter laughed, bringing a hand up to rub at the man's back, and I cringed. “It's Thursday, isn't it? I always come on Thursday.”

“Unless you're out of town…” the man pouted.

“Unless I'm out of town,” Potter conceded.

Was that the kind of man he wanted? Someone who jumped up when he entered the room? Who curled into him like a puppy? Who cared if he was gone and catered to his ego? Well, I would never be that man. Could never be that man. I've given myself up before and I'll never do it again.

Not that I even want to, of course. I don't want to keep Potter; I just want to fuck him. Stifling a groan of abject disgust, I began to round the table, looking closely at each member of this odd little group. They all looked like some kind of exotic bird or animal, with bright coloured clothes and hair, synthetic jewelry and makeup. Was anything about them real?

“So, Harry,” a woman with feathers hanging from the thick cords of her hair and what appeared to be a bed sheet wrapped around her chest began, leaning closer and setting an oversized coffee mug on the table. “How's the flatmate situation going?”

I froze halfway around the table, pausing in my examination of a dark man with bright red hair. Shit. My eyes flew to Potter, whose face was screwed up in frustration.

“It's still shit,” he complained, and the man in his lap tightened his hold. “He's just… He's always there, you know? And I can't do anything about it.”

“You could make him go away,” the man pouted.

“Quiet Marcus,” red hair admonished in a startling baritone. I’m not ashamed to admit I jumped a little. “Harry, why don't you just talk to him?”

“No! No, I- I really don't think that's a good idea.” Potter looked nervous, his arms coming up to encircle ‘Marcus,’ much to the man's obvious delight. Potter didn’t seem to notice though, and snorted. “We have a history, I’ve told you. He’d sooner he-er hit me than- just… no.”

Hit him? That was a bit harsh. I mean, does Potter think we’re still in Hogwarts? Clearly, I’d hex him, right? Right?

Oh…

Fucking hell! He’s confiding in Muggles about how he wants to have me out? Well, shit. Merlin, he wants to bring his little boyfriend home after all, doesn’t he? Fine. Fine! If he wants me gone, I’m gone.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to finish packing.

I cringed when the café door crashed closed and my friends looked around nervously.

“What was that?” Marcus demanded, clearly spooked.

“Just the wind,” Trevor scoffed in that sultry tone of his, red curls glinting in the bright lights of the café.

“There's not been any wind all night,” Sarah countered. Marcus climbed out of my lap - no, I wasn't dating him. Draco's an arse, Marcus wasn't remotely my type - and settled himself at her side. Sarah and Marcus, though, they were like a pair of children; easily spooked and liable to feed off each other in situations like that. I always wondered what they'd do if they knew vampires and werewolves and ghosts were real?

But that wasn't what slammed the door, nor was it the wind. Just a nosy wizard with a hot temper and my bloody Invisibility Cloak. The conversation waiting for me at home would not be a pleasant one. I could get a head start, go back before Draco had a chance to work himself into a right strop, but… well, he’d followed me into Muggle London, hadn’t he? I could let him stew for a while.

So I turned back to my friends and settled into a night of gossip and philosophy, same as usual - I went to that café as often as I could when I wasn’t away on a mission. And it was a lovely evening, as they usually were. Still, when it was over and everyone had given me a hug or an air kiss, I slipped into a nearby alley and Apparated home rather than taking my customary walk. I’m not heartless.

And you know what he did? He switched on every bleeding light in the house! I had to search into every room leading up to his bedroom. And where else would he be? It wasn't as if he spent his time at Grimmauld Place anywhere else. Although, finding him on the floor in a pile of his own clothing and bedding while shouting at the fireplace was a bit of a surprise. As was the face watching him nervously from within the flickering emerald flames.

“-him, you wretch! You know as well as I that he-”

“Everything okay, Hermione?” I interrupted as calmly as I could manage. It didn't matter how crazy I was about the prickly bastard, no one talks to Hermione that way.

“Oh, Harry!” Heaving a relieved sigh, Hermione’s face cleared even as Draco's shoulders stiffened. “The alarm on your secondary wards sounded and Draco was the only one here. He said nothing happened, but-”

“Sod off, Granger,” Draco ordered, sulking in his makeshift nest in front of the fire.

“But,” she said again, louder, and crossed her arms over her paisley dressing gown. “He's clearly upset.”

Now, that took me off guard. I glanced back to Draco, who still hadn't turned to face me, taking in his drawn shoulders and trembling edges. One real thought settled in my mind in that moment: Well fuck.

I cleared my throat and turned back to the fire. “Thank you, Hermione. I'll take care of it.”

“Yes, well,” she sniffed, her gaze sliding back to Draco for a moment, concern in her shadowy eyes. “See that you do.”

When she was gone, though, I still stood there, unsure what to do next. Silence stretched for long minutes before Draco finally drew a ragged breath and turned where he sat. He didn't look at me so much as he looked at a spot just to my side, but he spoke and the words sent the air whooshing from my lungs. I don't know where it went, I didn't leave my mouth or nose, there was no sound, but I felt like I was drowning.

“I'm just sorting my things. I'll be gone by tomorrow, noon.” His voice carried that posh drawl I hated so much in school, the one that was endlessly distracting when he used it at the Ministry but, used now, said he was drawing a distinct line between us before he even left.

Of course, I was being ridiculous. All I had of him was a hope, he wasn't mine. He could leave if he wanted to. So I swallowed once, twice to clear my throat, then nodded.

“Okay. You- you've found somewhere else to stay until your flat is-”

“I'll go to the Manor,” he interrupted, turning back to the pile around him. “I don't want to burden you any further.”

“He's clearly upset.” Hermione’s words echoed in my head.

Without giving myself time to think, I stepped further into the room. “You aren't a burden. Listen, Draco- you don't have to go, can't we talk about this?”

“I think you've said enough tonight,” Draco sniffed.

“What?”

“Is that what you do?” His head snapped back, his raging storm clouds swirling around the dark centre as he glared at me, waiting for an answer I didn't have.

“What are you talking about, Draco?”

“When you disappear every night! You sneak away to complain about me to your Muggle fanclub? You didn't have to bring me here! I could have gone to the Manor and -”

“This is about my friends?” Somehow, Draco was standing and I think I was shouting. “Draco, I've gone out to visit them for years, it has nothing to do with you!”

“That's not how it sounded. ‘He's always there!’” he mimicked, whinging to exaggerate the annoyance I never used. “But it's okay, Potter. You can make me go away. See? I'm going!”

My mind was reeling, I'm pretty sure my mouth was hanging open, and all I could do was stare while he flicked his wand to send his clothes soaring into the open trunk at the foot of his bed.

“Not to worry. You'll have your home free to bring your little boy toy round again before you know it.”

That was the final straw. With my clenching fist, his trunk snapped closed, startling Draco into silence. He spun around to face me again, challenge still shining in his eyes.

“You think Marcus is what I want? A pathetic, clinging child?” My voice was low and my strides even as I crossed the room to stand before Draco, glowering. “I'd be bored senseless within a week, you git.”

Draco swallowed, nervous even as he lifted his chin defiantly, the brightness in his eyes dimming to confusion. And I reveled in it.

“You thought I was complaining because I don't want you here? Come now, Draco. You're smarter than that.” Ducking my head, I trailed my lips down the long line of his neck, hoping against hope he wouldn't push me away.

But he sighed, dropping his head back as his hands scrambled to find purchase in the waist of my jumper. I closed my teeth over his pulse point briefly, dragging the across the skin as it vibrated with his groan.

“I was complaining because you're so bloody close and I couldn't touch you,” I growled, tracing the shell of his ear with my tongue, my hands growing stiff at my sides from keeping them to myself. “Don't go, Draco. Stay. Let me touch you…”

“Fuck,” he sighed, draping one long arm over my shoulders. “Fuck, yes. Touch me.”

“Harry?”

Jolting, Harry shook his head to clear his thoughts before turning back to the precocious ten-year-old opposite him in the basement kitchen of Number 12 Grimmauld Place. “Sorry, where was I?”

“Draco said you were complaining about him to your friends. Were you?” Teddy watched him expectantly, his teal hair wild about his face and jam sticking to his top lip.

“Sort of,” Harry chuckled. “I had a bit of a crush on him and it was difficult, living with him without telling him about it. Anyway, I told him he'd misunderstood and that he was the bloke I fancied, not Marcus, and the rest is history.”

The gentle sway of his body suggested Teddy was swinging his slipper-clad feet beneath the table as he munched thoughtfully on his toast. Harry sipped his coffee, waiting for the verdict.

At long last, Teddy shrugged. “Okay.”

“Okay?” Harry asked hesitantly.

“You can marry him. Can I see the ring?”

Grinning, Harry dug the small velvet box from his pocket and gestured for Teddy to come around the table. “Have to be quick, he'll be up any minute.”

#my writing #Drarry #Angst #Angst with a Happy ending

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robininthelabyrinth · 6 years ago

Text

Fic: An Internal Affair - Chapter 16 (Ao3 link)

Fandom: The Flash Pairing: Leonard Snart/Barry Allen

Summary: Leonard Snart, the CCPD Captain of Internal Affairs, is known as Captain Cold for a very good reason: He hates corrupt cops with a merciless vengeance, and once you’re on his list, you’re in serious trouble.

His next target?

A CCPD lab tech named Barry Allen who’s developed a suspicious habit of disappearing at random intervals.

—————————————————————————————————

"So the plan for today is to search STAR Labs, right?" Barry asks, mentally reviewing his calendar.

"That's right," Cisco says, tossing his pencil up into the air a bit too high and fumbling the catch. "Wells is taking that video conference call from home today, the long one, and it should take him all morning. I've dialed into it myself to make sure he's still on the call and repositioned some satellites with infrared detection in his direction to make sure it's actually, y'know, him and not like a hologram or something. I'll be monitoring it all from here." He makes a face. "Now I can listen to him talk to the accountants."

"I'm glad I don't have to do that," Joe remarks, slouching against one of the computer desk. "No offense, Cisco, but that sounds boring as hell."

"It is, but I can play video games at the same time," Cisco tells him. "The joy of multiple screens."

Joe shakes his head mournfully, clearly despairing of this new generation.

"Give up, Cisco," Caitlin teases. "He's never going to appreciate your technology."

"Joe, you've started looking into the Dibny thing I told you about yesterday, right?" Barry asks, ignoring their interplay. He's charged up with energy today - the speed training, whatever Wells' goal with it, is definitely working, and ever since things have gone well with Len...

The phrase 'walking on air' comes to mind.

Barry's having to make an effort to ensure he doesn't accidentally walk on air, literally.

"Yeah, yeah," Joe says. "I asked a few guys over in Vice to check out what Dibny's up to; they've promised to get back to me later today, maybe tomorrow. Y'know, I'm still not sure it isn't just your old grudge against the guy coming up again, but since you got Cold's authorization for the search, it's probably still worth checking out."

Joe's voice has gone bitter. Again.

Barry scowls at him. "Joe, we've talked about this. Yes, we're dating. No, this isn't some sort of 'secret plan' to get at us; he's a good cop and he wants to do the right thing, and the right thing right now is taking down the Man in Yellow –”

“Reverse Flash,” Cisco interjects.

“– and he’s helping us with that. And you can stop hinting that he's only agreeing to look into Dibny because I'm dating him any time now!"

"I wasn't saying that!"

"It was implied," Caitlin says. "Heavily."

"And you did kinda do the same thing to Iris and Eddie Thawne when they first started dating," Cisco points out meekly.

Joe crosses his arms and scowls.

"Why don't we focus on our search of STAR Labs?" Cisco hastily suggests in an obvious bid to change the subject. "Thanks to Iris' digging, we've managed to map out the parts of the Accelerator built by Zoom Contracting, and thus probably by the Reverse Flash; if he hid something inside of STAR Labs, it's probably there. Barry, you ready?"

"Sure am," Barry says. "Let's start with -"

A door slams in the hallway and they all freeze.

"Wells?" Joe asks, his hand automatically dropping to his belt.

Cisco squints at his screen. "No, he's still on the call - he's even talking. Can’t be him."

"Then who -?"

Another door, and then the off-beat echo of footsteps, accompanied by a heavy thump every few seconds.

Barry knows that thumping walk quiet well, though the individual responsible has never been to STAR Labs before.

"Len..?"

Len comes through the door.

Barry is already stepping forward, starting to smile automatically at the sight of his boyfriend despite being unsure of what brings him to STAR Labs unannounced, but Len's expression - bloodless lips pressed tightly together, face tight and pale with rage, jaw clenched - makes him pause, as does Kara following him close behind, an extremely worried expression on her face.

"Len?" he asks, smile fading, replaced with worry. "What's wrong? What's happened? Is everyone okay?"

"Where are they?" Len demands, ignoring Barry’s questions. "Where have you put them?"

His voice is harsh, though it remains as cold as ever.

If Barry didn’t know him, he’d think Len was angry, but not furious; he’d think he was indifferent and coldly disapproving – but Barry does know Len. He’s seen him talk about Mick. He knows the overwhelming coldness that swallows Len up when he’s been ripped apart inside, the agony of pain and betrayal that he tries and fails to hide behind a layer of icy fury.

Len is unbelievably angry right now.

“Put who?” Barry asks, a sinking feeling in his stomach. “Who are you talking about? Who’s ‘them’?”

“The people,” Len snarls. “The ones with powers! Your victims!”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Cisco says. “Victims? What the hell are you talking about?”

“That seems kind of uncalled for,” Caitlin says.

“Uncalled for?” Len says. “Uncalled for?”

He grits his teeth, obviously trying to rein in his temper enough to even speak.

Barry tries to look at Kara to see if something has happened, some meta similar to Bivolo affecting Len’s emotional state or something happening with Mick, but she’s refusing to meet his eyes.

Bad sign.

“Okay,” Len says after a moment, his voice even more controlled now. His hands are clenching so hard on his crutches that his knuckles have gone white; he’s clearly not actually calmed down at all. “Okay, let me rephrase and put this in a way that you people might understand –”

This does not bode well.

“– please tell me, without delay, where you people put the human beings – entitled to all human rights under international law – that are, just to add insult to injury, also United States citizens – with all the rights that entails under our legal system – that you fucking assholes assaulted, kidnapped, and illegally imprisoned?”

Oh shit.

“You know,” Len adds scathingly. “The ones you all didn’t tell me about?”

Barry’s brain just – freezes.

He’s gotten used to his mind moving faster than most people's, after the Accelerator, and even when he’s had his mind crash before, it was because he was thinking too many things at once.

Not now.

Complete stop.

Complete blank.

“Uh,” Cisco squeaks. “You – mean the metas?”

“Yeah,” Len says. “I mean the metas. You remember them, I hope? The ones that Barry here knocked out on the streets of Central City – battery, assault, maybe grievous bodily harm, I don’t know –”

No.

“ – and then moved without their consent – just so you know, legally we call that ‘kidnapping’ or ‘human trafficking’, take your pick –”

No.

“– in order to put in a secluded area in which they weren’t allowed to leave, aka, unlawful imprisonment. Do you want me to cite legal provisions at you? I can do that.”

No!

“It’s not like that,” Joe protests. “You don’t understand –”

“Oh, I understand all right,” Len cuts him off. “You – all of you – you think you’re judge, jury, and executioner all at once. Who needs the laws, huh? Who needs rights when some random civilians think they can do it all themselves – this is just like I thought it would be, right from the start –”

“It’s not like that!” Barry exclaims, finally regaining his voice.

Len finally looks at Barry. His expression is hard, but his eyes reflect the light – he’s got suppressed tears in his eyes. This is not easy for him; this is hurting him.

“Yes, Barry,” he says, and his voice is even a little gentle, just for Barry, when for anyone else it would stay sharp and unyielding. “It is like that. It’s exactly like that. You’re a CSI. You work for the CCPD. You took the same oath every cop takes, to uphold the laws and protect the people. You, you of all people, should know exactly how important it is to protect the right to a free and fair trial where you can defend yourself. And you still...you still took that right away from these people.”

Barry’s breath catches in his throat.

Len’s right.

Len, who cares so much about corruption –

Who feels personally betrayed by those who swore to respect the rule of law and then don’t –

Whose father was a dirty cop, whose life was ruined by a dirty cop, whose partner was nearly killed by a dirty cop –

Who confessed one day when it was just the two of them, curled together on a park bench, that he liked Barry from the very beginning, liked him a lot, but just couldn’t bring himself to trust that Barry really meant well – and how much it meant to him to find out that Barry wasn’t like that –

And now this.

The metas.

The metas they’d put away.

The disappearances that Len thought the Flash was responsible for – they weren’t all Family hits or related to STAR Labs, after all. Terri had had three piles of disappearances, after all: Family-related, STAR Labs-related…and Flash-related.

Len was so happy when he discovered that Barry wasn’t behind the disappearances.

But he was.

Kyle Nimbus. Jake Simmons. Tony Woodward. Shawna Baez. Mark Mardon.

Those disappearances?

They’re all him.

And Barry didn’t tell Len about them.

Oh, he never made a conscious decision to omit the information from what he told Len or to deliberately try to hide it. He was just so focused on how removing those names from the list of disappearances revealed things about their investigation, on how that narrowed-down list showed that Wells was up to something related to the Families, on how this new information got them a step closer to the answers, he never even thought about what it meant.

It never occurred to him to mention that those disappearances weren’t really disappearances; that he knew where they were; that he knew what had happened to them.

It wasn’t a deliberate deception at all.

Barry just forgot about them.

He’s pretty sure Len will think that that’s worse.

“It’s not like what happened with Barry’s dad at all,” Joe interjects, trying to salvage the unsalvageable. He takes a step forward, glaring at Len; he never liked Len, and undoubtedly sees this as yet another instance of that dislike, rather than the reckoning it really is. “These metas were committing crimes and harming people –”

“Even criminals have rights, Detective West,” Len snaps. The gentleness in his voice is gone. “All people do. The right to a fair trial. The right to a proper arrest. Or are you telling me that Barry here – who, let me remind you, is a private citizen, not even a cop, and thus not authorized to even arrest anybody – Miranda’d all the metas before taking them in?”

“I –”

“No, please, tell me, Detective West! I’m dying to know! Did you read ‘em their rights? Did you process their arrest in a public database according to the law? Did you give ‘em access to a lawyer? A judge? A call to family? Can they invoke the right of habeas corpus? Can they sue you for unlawful arrest if you messed up any part of that process?”

Len takes a step forward, leaning even more heavily than usual on his crutch. His eyes are boring into Joe’s, but his words are aimed at all of them.

“And what about the conditions once they’re captured, huh?” he continues. “They get their three hots and a cot, one hour of mandated physical activity, the right to company, conjugals, regular contact with friends and family? Or bail, huh, how about bail? Who decided they couldn’t be bailed out? That’s a judicial decision, and for some reason, I’m suspecting that none of you are sworn judges!”

Joe’s mouth moves, but he doesn’t say anything.

There’s nothing he can say.

“Especially you, Detective West,” Len continues, his voice dropping to a whisper. “You’re not a judge. But you are a cop. Sworn to uphold the law. Except you didn’t, did you?”

Joe still says nothing.

Barry can’t blame him.

It’s not just Joe, after all. Barry took the same oaths, made the same vows, promised himself he was doing the right thing.

And he wasn’t.

Len’s mouth twists. “No, you didn’t. You did the same thing every goddamn corrupt cop in the city did, thinking that what you think is right is more important than the laws.”

“I was trying my best to protect the people of Central City,” Joe says woodenly.

“Guess what, Detective? The ‘people’ you think you’re protecting include the people you’re abusing – yes, I said abuse!” Len says, holding up a hand to cut off Joe’s protest. “And I mean abuse! This is precedent, West; if you can decide to imprison someone without their rights, why can’t everyone else?”

“I saw them commit crimes!” Joe says. “I saw them, we all saw them! They’re not innocent! We know they’re not innocent!”

“It doesn’t matter if they’re innocent or not innocent! Even fucking serial killers that get caught red-handed get the chance to defend themselves in court!” Len exclaims, his voice starting to rise as his rage begins to escape even his icy self-control. “It doesn’t matter if they’re standing on a mountain of the corpses of their victims that you just saw them murder right before your eyes! You’re just a cop! You don’t get to decide ‘oh what the hell, they’re evil, I’ll just shoot them’, not if you have the option of taking them in peacefully – and if you do, you deserve to be fired and go to jail for manslaughter. But you certainly don’t get to decide that they don’t get to be arrested according to procedure. You don’t get to decide that they don’t get the right to have a trial, a lawyer, anything. You don’t get to lock them away and throw away the key!”

Joe bows his head.

“And you know that! You’re a cop; you can’t say you didn’t know. You knew they had rights, you knew what they were entitled to, and you just decided to do it anyway,” Len continues. “You decided to ignore every single damn thing that society says that all people, even criminals known to be guilty, deserve! You locked these people up without telling anyone like - like they were fucking stray dogs! You took their rights away from them! And for what? What possible reason could justify that?”

He takes a limping step forward.

“It can’t be just because you saw them committing a crime,” he says. “You’re a detective; if you started kidnapping everyone who ever committed a crime in front of you, this place would be overflowing. So no, it’s not that. That’s not what made you feel you could do this.”

Another step forward.

“Having powers, is that it? Is that what makes these people different? That must be it. But you don’t get to make that decision – and you know why? Because like every corrupt asshole in the book, you won’t apply it equally. You’ll say it’s okay to do all this to one person, but not another, and why? Because you think you’re able to make that judgment call. You. Just you. Because you’re above the law. And that’s what corruption is.”

Another.

“We’re all supposed to be equal under the law, Detective West. I’ll be the first to admit there’s a shit ton of inequality baked in there, with poor people and minorities getting the short end of the stick, but at least they’re the laws we’ve all agreed we’re following. At least we all know what to expect. Being kidnapped at superspeed and locked away without a trial? Ain’t no one expecting that.”

Len looks around the room.

“All of you,” he says. “So self-righteous, ain’t you? Thinking you’re doing the right thing.”

He shakes his head.

“Tell me,” he says, “think any of you’d object if I took Barry here and put him in a hole, never letting him talk to any of you ever again, leaving you wondering what happened to him? You would, wouldn’t you? Of course you would. He’s your friend. But why is he any different from all the rest of 'em? He’s got powers, too! You’ve seen him commit crimes, too! By your logic, you ought to treat him just the way you treat the rest of them! All of you - you’re no better than those monsters that keep girls in their basements!”

“But it is different! You don’t understand; these metas are dangerous!” Cisco blurts out, unable to suppress his dismay anymore. “We didn’t have a choice; we had to put them in the Accelerator! With their powers, there’s no way the cells at Iron Heights can hold them –”

“Iron Heights isn’t the only goddamn prison out there! If you hadn’t all been so obsessed with keeping Barry’s identity a secret – with keeping all of this a secret, putting the public and your fellow cops in greater danger because they went into the field not even knowing that they didn’t know what they were facing – you could have just told the CCPD about it!”

Len mimics holding a phone up to his ear. “Ring ring, hey, guess what, I’m reporting a crime, and hey I managed to stop it from happening but it turns out the perp appears to have unusual powers that probably won’t be contained by Iron Heights’ normal cells. Luckily, by chance, I happen to have a place that will hold them securely; do you want to use it while still granting them due process?”

He drops his hand back to his side, his face twisted in disgust. “Guess that was just too fucking hard for you guys, wasn’t it?”

“It wasn’t…you don’t…Wells said –” Caitlin says, her voice wavering.

“Oh, Wells, yeah, Wells,” Len says. “Let's talk about Wells. How convenient, of course, it’s all Wells’ idea. Sure it was. You know what, let’s even say it really was his idea, whole and entire, and none of you had anything to do with it. Who cares? Unless the guy is carting around an idiocy field that reduces the brain function of anyone within twenty feet of him, you’re all adults! Rational, thinking adults! How could you permit this?! How could you not try to stop it the second you realized what was going on?”

Barry’s breath is coming hard and his brain just won’t start up again, won’t start thinking again, refuses to function in a vain attempt to keep him from having to understand and acknowledge the truth.

To understand what exactly he did.

His mind just keeps repeating: he’s right. He’s right. He’s right.

Len’s right.

This – all of this – is wrong.

Horrifically, awfully, terribly wrong.

Unjust.

Illegal.

Wrong.

And they just – went with it.

All of them. Barry. Joe. Cisco. Caitlin. All of them.

They just agreed.

They just let it be.

They just allowed it to happen.

Each of them could have stepped up to the plate and said: no. This is wrong. And they didn’t.

They didn’t do anything.

They can’t blame that on Wells. That’s on them.

They just let themselves be swept away by the excitement and unreality of it – superpowers! Superheroes! Supervillains! And when each episode is over, then the bad guy goes away into the jail cell, never to be thought of again…

A modern oubliette, as Len says. Put them there and forget about them.

(In the beginning, Wells said they would rehabilitate them. No one even remembered to try.)

“Listen, okay, maybe we didn’t handle all this the best way,” Cisco starts, coming to Barry’s defense. Ever the loyal friend, even when Barry is the one in the wrong. “But you can’t just –”

“Shut up,” Len says. “You don’t get to talk. Not after what you’ve done.”

Cisco jerks back as if he’s been hit. “After what I’ve done –”

“Oh, yes, you,” Len says. “Friendly, smiling, cheerful Cisco Ramon, the jailor of STAR Labs. Or is someone else operating the controls? I thought that was your job.”

Now it’s Cisco’s turn to go mute, horror twisting his face as he opens and closes his mouth.

“Tell me, do you feed them?” Len asks him, his voice biting. “Do you clean their cells? Let them go on bathroom breaks? How do you do that – drug them, maybe? Does it make you feel powerful, treating them like rats in a cage?”

“No – no, I don’t – I’m not like that –”

“Funny,” Len says. “From what I hear, you’re exactly like that. Tell me, Ramon, do you know that it’s legally considered torture to deliberately play loud music at someone who can’t escape?”

Cisco blanches.

“Oh yeah, I know about that,” Len says. “Torturing a deaf man, how fun! But hey, he was mean to you at work a few times; I’m sure that balances it all out in the eyes of law, right? No jury’ll ever convict you, ‘cause being an asshole, causing some property damage, and getting into a fight with Barry, well, you know, that’s it, that’s three strikes right there –”

“You don’t –” Caitlin starts.

“Oh, don’t you start, doctor,” Len interrupts venomously. “Unless the version of the Hippocratic Oath you took comes with an exception that allows you to care for people in illegal solitary confinement without doing shit all to remedy their status. ‘Do no harm’, right? Do no good either, apparently.”

“You’re right,” Barry croaks. “You’re – you’re right.”

“You bet I’m right,” Len says. “You’re keeping people locked away – locked away in solitary confinement – do you even know what that does to a person? Even in regular prison, where they know they have access to a lawyer, where they know they still have rights, where they know that at least someone knows where they are and cares?”

He looks tired, suddenly. “It’s much worse when you know there’s no one there,” he says. “So much worse. When you’re all alone in a room, left alone to suffer, and you know no one is watching out for you ‘cause without the law you’ve got no rights but what human mercy can offer – and human mercy runs pretty damn short.”

Len’s imprisonment.

Locked alone in a room, guarded by Family thugs intent on torturing him to death, and no one knowing where he was.

Of course.

Barry - Barry should have thought. Barry should have realized.

They've treated the metas fairly well – excluding whatever it was Len was referencing with Cisco, which sounds seriously problematic – but that still doesn’t make it right.

“The laws might be soft in Central,” Len says, getting a hold of himself. “But by God I will see them applied. You’re going to transfer every single meta you have here to police custody –”

“We’ll do that,” Barry promises. “We will, I promise. I’m sorry, Len. I should’ve done better.” He swallows. “If you don’t want to be with me anymore, after this, I’d understand –”

Len starts laughing.

It’s not a good laugh. It’s sharp and jagged and very nearly hysterical.

“Barry,” he chokes out. “Oh, Barry. You don’t understand. The question isn’t are we staying together. The only question left here is how many years in prison you’re all going to be sentenced to.”

“Hold up,” Joe says, straightening. “You’re not seriously –”

“Oh, you bet I am,” Len says. “I’m going to bring hell down on your heads so hard you won’t even know what hit you.”

That gets them all talking all at once.

“You can’t! The investigation – Wells –”

“We have to help –”

“It’s important –”

“There are mitigating factors –”

“You have to give me a chance,” Barry begs. “Let me fix what I’ve done –”

“I don’t care!” Len bellows. “Right now, I couldn’t care less about the investigation. You’re all going to –”

His phone rings.

Len falls abruptly silent.

Everyone does, mostly from surprise at the sudden sound.

Barry’s more surprised than most, though. Len’s phone basically never rings. It’s a joke by now, one that Barry’s laughed over with Kara, with Iris, with everyone – Len always texts, never calls, and no one ever calls him.

Len digs his phone out of his pocket.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Joe says. “You can’t honestly be answering –”

“Shut up,” Len snaps, jabbing violently at his phone to accept the call. “What the hell do you want? Now’s not a good time, so –”

He falls silent, his face suddenly going stark white.

“Len?” Barry asks, stepping forward. He’s pretty sure they’re not dating anymore and he can’t blame Len for it in the slightest after what just happened, but he still can’t help but be concerned. He can’t help but reach out for him, to try to help him with whatever is causing that expression.

“Boss? What’s going on?” Kara asks, stepping forward herself, sliding neatly around him to stand between him and Barry, her back to Barry as she protects Len –

Protects Len from Barry.

And she's right.

Because this is all Barry’s fault, in the end. If he’d told Len the truth at the beginning, then maybe he wouldn’t have had this reaction – maybe then Len would have understood how much Wells had misled them all, how he’d played on their enthusiasm and naïveté to brush over their concerns, how he’d led them all to think that this was all okay – maybe –

But Barry hadn’t told him.

Now his only hope is that Len will decide to give them just enough mercy to try to prove themselves. To prove that they do mean well, that they aren’t evil, that they aren’t corrupt.

Because that’s where all this came from, isn’t it?

Central City’s corruption, seeping through its pores, affecting them all.

Joe, an officer of the law who just wanted to do the right thing, who wanted to help people, but who thought nothing of locking the ‘bad guys’ away to keep them from hurting anyone – who thought nothing of the rights those ‘bad guys’ themselves had, because it’d never been all that important to his work before.

Caitlin, a doctor, sworn to help people, forgetting that she had to do more than just care for their wounds.

Cisco, so focused on the technical aspects of how STAR Labs’ prison worked that he forgot about the value of the humans lives they kept within its walls. The nerd who treated life like a comic book, and didn’t remember that the story went on past the closing of the last page – who thought that things were ‘awesome’ without considering their moral value.

And Barry.

Barry, who, of all people, should have known better.

Barry, who struggled against injustice when it was his father suffering under it. Barry, who took the hard line against Dibny because he thought justice mattered. Barry, who just wanted to help.

And look what he’s done with it.

“Boss,” Kara says again, more urgently, when Len doesn’t answer her even after he’s ended the call. “Boss, tell me what’s wrong. What happened?”

“Mick,” Len croaks.

Barry straightens at that. “What happened?” he demands. “Is he okay?”

After all, Barry’s the one who was dating Len. He knows exactly what Mick means to Len.

Mick’s Len’s best friend, his partner in crime, his anchor – his version of Iris. Mick’s the one Len lied to, the way Barry lied to Iris; Mick’s the one who Len wants so desperately to apologize to, the way Barry wanted to apologize to Iris.

Except Barry got his chance to do that, and despite his fears, Iris forgave him; he knows that Len would sell his soul for the chance to have the same.

He knows that Len is not nearly as okay as he pretend to be. He knows that Len hasn’t really gotten over everything that happened to him: the betrayal, the torture, the loss of the life he built for twenty years, and all of that wrapped up in his grief and rage over what happened to Mick.

He knows that Len is barely holding it together, with nothing but strength of will and a desperate need for atonement he’s sublimated into an unending drive for vengeance.

If Mick dies, Len will shatter into a million pieces.

Barry doesn’t want that to happen.

Even after all of this, he still – he still –

He’s pretty sure he loves Len.

Shit.

What terrible timing for that little revelation, given that even in the highly unlikely event that Len decides not to throw them all into prison for the rest of their lives, he’s still definitely not going to forgive Barry for, well, any of this.

And Barry deserves it, too. He deserves never to be forgiven.

He’s going to be the reason all his friends go to jail.

(He should have told Iris from the very beginning. She would never have agreed to tolerate any of this.)

“Boss!” Kara is saying urgently, pulling the phone out of his unmoving hands, waving her hands before his unmoving eyes. “Boss, talk to me! What happened to Mick? Tell me what happened!”

“Len,” Barry says quietly, stepping forward to stand by Kara’s side. He knows she doesn’t want him there – her glare is very nearly hot enough to burn, just like Len’s always joking it is – but he thinks he might be able to get through to Len despite the shock of whatever news he just got. Len knows that Barry understands his relationship with Mick. “Len, tell me you hear me.”

Len’s eyes move and land on Barry.

“Tell us what happened,” Barry instructs.

“It’s – Mick,” Len croaks.

“What about Mick?” Kara asks again. “What about Mick, boss?”

Len swallows as if his throat has suddenly gone dry, then swallows again when his voice fails him. His eyes are wide and his hands are shaking and he looks – shattered, somehow.

“It’s Mick,” he says again. And then – “He woke up.”

#coldflash #leonard snart #barry allen #joe west #cisco ramon #Caitlin snow #kara danvers #my fic #an internal affair

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