#bothering me im sorry im only 14 im sorry i dont care anymore and my punishment is to live until im 80 i was super big friends with my irl

[my-void-of-which-i-cry]

everyone says im fucking annoying. maybe i am.

3/14/23

i tried being nice and being considerate. i dont want much i just wan someone to care and acknowledge me. im tired of being the stupid one, the one who has to consider ive tried so god damn hard to make it easy for you people but every thinf i do seems to annoy you i feel like every time i try to talk to you you start getting annoyed and maybe youre right and im spoiled and im a brat i wont do that anymore, i’ll try my god damn hardest to not leave a trace in this house . since being in your presence seems too much for you i try not asking for anything anymore. i’ll stop complaining i’ll keep everything to myself. you want that right? i wont be a bother anymore. iltt stop trying to care for you or beg for your praise and affection. i can look for it by myself.  why is making a suggestion about my birthday such a big deal for you i can do whatever i want on “MY” birthday why does me talking about it piss you off. fine i wont celebrate my goddamn rbirth and iwont celebrate it again. i wont care anymore about whattever. ill be out of your way. im sorry im even alive and pullking you dfown and im such a waste of space and im an obese trash elepphant ‘who cant stop eating and whos spoiled and a bitch with no manners and cant do anything right i cant do anything at all and i should never have fucking existed i keep wishing that i nevere existed. every second of every day i wish you to be happy and to just let me not exist anymore.

i cant keep wishing because nothing ever fucking happens i wish i just died when i could, every near death experience i hope it killed me and i hope i never s here. i hate being in a place where everyone and everything i do is considered wrong and im always wrong and always bad and always a bitch whos spoiled and a child. i want to die. and its  not a joke anymore. i just want someone to love me and understand that i make shit thats not good and that i dont always say the right things and that im always trying my best to be considerate. but being considerate is not enough for everyone. im already ugly and im already fat and stupid if i just died everyone would forget about me in a week and in a yer everything will be better for everyone becuase i am just a dumb rock thats a burden to them and if i go then my sister will have her oen room and all my parents love and they can finally give her the care she deserves. if i go D could finally be happy with her new friends and let go of our group to be herself. F and H will be fine . E and H and A will be too. im not a big part of their lives, C and A will have forgotten me by now. and my parents have one less problem now, they can focus on my sister, and after she moves out theyll be free from the horrible kid they have. ill be free from putting myself esteem as high as how others apreciate me. because everything i am is what evereybody else thinks of me. and im nothing no one will remember me in a year . i die now. i wish i died now i wish i just fell asleep and died. im so sorry to the people whos lives i disturbed i hope you guys will ignore all my shit and all the crap i put you through it must have been so so annoying. i wish i died back then. and i wish i die here and maybe i can gain enough courage this year. who knows i sure hope i do. i dont think i can handle life. to the new friends i made im sorry you had to put up with me . im really sorry mom and dad im sorry your second kid is a piece of shit who cant do anything and always humiliates you and annoys you .. i wish i wasnt here too and i wish i was dead so long ago. i hope truly one day i can finally go through with something and maybe thats the only thing i can get right..

[kassandraqueenn]

Once in a blue moon i always log into my tumblr account just so i can comfortably express myself because no one is watching..

I dont know how i got here again and its eating me alive trying to figure it out. my aunt thinks i havent been myself since dannys death and i think shes right. how can someone you share a person with just up and leave this world. no more breathing, no more laughing, just no more life. His death hit me hard. i didnt truly grieve how i wanted to because as a mother how can you let yourself crumble entirely? you cant. you have to be strong for your children because as a parent youre the strongest person they know. i cant allow myself to be weak in front of aaliyah. The only time im able to truly fall apart is when aaliyah is with her nina and im drinking. i dont know how to express myself sober. once the alcohol starts to set in my mouth just goes like i put fresh batteries in. i have no care in the world who is in the room either. if im aching i spill. I remember the last few nights in the apartment in la mirada. i was the last one drinking and i broke down. the tears wouldnt stop pouring out. i know it hasnt been easy trying to share a child with danny but that man gave me the best gift the world can offer somebody. danny at one point, was my everything. we met when we were 14 so how can he not be. towards the end of his days we got closer , we talked a lot came up with the problems and the solutions to be better at co parenting together. everything was great and then one day i get the call that hes in the icu. fighting for his life. at that moment my heart dissolved completely out of my chest. i couldnt remember how to breathe anymore and i disassociated from reality. i caught myself and grounded into reality again and i didnt know what to feel. i went to go visit him twice during his time in the icu and i had no emotions i didnt know how to process it. death is inevitable. and he passed so quickly. i went to see him at the funeral. aaliyah went up without me and talked to him for a bit. as for me? i didnt go up until it was almost time to leave. seeing him in that coffin did something to me. laying there lifeless when he used to be so full of life. his tattoos. his smile. his sarcasm. his everything. just empty. his sister went up with me and was telling me stories how he would tell them i was being crazy as usual but he was the one who started everything. god i miss him so much. i think one of my biggest regrets is not answering his calls and facetimes every single time he called. not texting him back not letting him see aaliyah. it bothers me and it will always bother me. its one of my biggest regrets and danny i am so sorry. but doing what i did is a part of the trauma that i was left with after everything he did to get into prison after still getting to go out and be a person with a life while i was at home being a parent doing everything. spending every dime i have on her while he gave me nothing. i didnt think it was fair for him to come and go. and like i said towards the end when we were getting better i was slowly opening up myself to him and then he just dies? how is that fair? why couldnt i get more time with him when everything was finally falling into place. how is that fair? i want him back. i want more time with him. i want him to know that hes always had a special place in my heart for him. i dont hate him as much as i told him i did. i just dont know. my heart aches every day for him. and my heart also aches for aaliyah. i wanted her to grow up with a dad because i never had that chance i missed my dad growing up but he was alive. i wanted a bond with my dad and now im finally going arounf him more and thats what i wanted for aaliyah and now she will never know what thats like she wont get that chance and i ache for her. i feel like every time i start to get close to someone again they leave or god takes them from me. maybe thats why i push everyone away because itll be easier to have no feelings when someone finally leaves vs feeling everything and hurting when they do leave. i just wanto be okay again.  

[chernobvl]

.

[sukunastoy]

hey, srry to be the one to rant in ur inbox but i saw u were open to anons and ur one of the few ppl ik in this fandom space thts around my age group and i was just wondering. how??

ive been on tumblr and in fandom/fanfic communities since i waz around 15, its basically my main hobby and pretty much the only social outlet i have, and ive just been so down and so lonely because ive been feeling shunned and excluded pretty much everywhere once i disclose my age and i absolutly completely understand WHY bc there r so many younger ppl in these places, but i dont know what else to do. it feels like nothing is fun anymore. the general consensus seems to b that i should just fck off and have some kids and pay bills until i die. how do u deal with it?? are u ever bothered by it? i feel likr a creep for even being here still, but it’s one of the only things i still have tht brings me joy. srry if that was a lot, i feel bad even compareing myself to u in any way because im nowhere near as talented as u are, absolutly delete this if it makes u uncomfortable whatsoever

hope u are doing well yourself 💙 ty for being u

First of all, NEVER be sorry to rant to my inbox!! And I truly feel appreciative for you to tell me all of this. This is a safe space and you're always welcome to it! My reply is a bit long, I didn't want to flood anyone with a super long post, so the rest is beneath the cut.

I completely understand how you feel, about the age thing and the ever present societal norms of "Must be an adult, must have kids, must do this, yada yada". Its depressing as fuck.

I've been into anime and manga since around 13-14 years old (apart from Pokemon which I've loved -And still do!- since the age of 5.)

I always wrote fanfics, always did fanart, even if I thought it was absolute garbage, I was still so happy just doing it. It has been something that got me through the toughest times in my life. I struggle with suicidal depression, always have for as long as I can remember, even back in my single digit days before even becoming a teenager. When I started to reach the age of "adulthood" I started to shy away from what I loved doing because I felt as an adult, I wasn't allowed to enjoy what I truly loved anymore, cause I needed to "grow up." And I did that. For a while. I rarely acknowledged anime. I sold all of my manga, my wall scrolls, my merch. I stopped drawing/writing it as much cause I needed to focus on being an adult, paying my bills, going to college, all that crap.

But, I got worse in my depression. I self harmed, had to go to therapy, had to start medication, and at one point I actually wrote that final goodbye note because I couldn't handle the norm of "being a mature adult" so I figured I must be useless otherwise. If I wasn't happy playing my adult role in society, what was the point of me even living?

During this time I went to college for 3 years, stressing, crying, working on a degree that I didn't even want because I thought it was expected of me. (I've always wanted to go to an art school and get a degree there. But my parents and everyone else in family told me, thats not a real degree. So I left it behind...) For 3 years I wasted my time and money and sanity to try to appease the people who don't pay my bills, don't put food in my mouth and certainly don't do shit for me otherwise, and I finally stopped and thought...

WHY?

WHY am I trying to impress and fit in with people who don't even really know me or provide for me?

I dropped out of the college that was stressing me out. I lost that money, but oh well, I was miserable, and my mental health is more important to me.

I don't want kids. I don't want that boring life of "just work til your dead". I don't want to have boring hobbies that I don't even like just to fit in with the people of my age range who I could care less about.

I'm turning 30 in a few months, and I regret wasting a few years of my life trying to fit into this norm of, bullshit. (And please note to whoever is reading this, if doing a lot of the 'norm' and having a family with kids and everything IS happiness for you, that is beautiful!! I am only referring to the people who don't want that life, and it should NOT be forced upon them.)

I love anime. I love drawing it, writing fics for it, interacting with other people over it, and I don't know why I ever tried to deny that.

I was afraid to return online in the fandoms because surely everyone must only be young teenagers right? Actually, not at all!

I've interacted with SO MANY people near my age range, and, it is truly amazing.

There are lots of people close in age, sometimes they're just a little difficult to find, but they are there, I promise, and they are amazing. I've enjoyed anime more in my adult life now than when I was younger tbh because I stopped caring about what others think and that my age is literally just a number. I'll be 30. So what, that doesn't change what I love. My body is getting older, that's all. I am still ME.

My fiance and I still go out and play Pokemon Go, collect Pokemon cards, like, I have BINDERS full of cards. The store we go to is ALWAYS packed with other people our age and way older who love Pokemon, Digimon, YuGiOh, and all sorts of other anime things they offer there.

These people are out there!

I started being more open with my likes and interests with strangers and coworkers, and I found out a lot of people really are into this, but felt they had to keep it hidden cause they didn't want anyone to think they were weird because of their age.

I surround myself with those who I know are supportive of me, or don't have a problem with my likes and interests and I stay away from those who try to shame me, and I kick them out of my life because I don't need that negativity in my circle. Some people my age who aren't into anime don't have a problem with me being into it at all. They've never shunned me for it. If anyone does, goodbye.

Life is short, its hard, its shitty. It doesn't need to be made worse by trying to appease those who aren't providing for you or feeling like you're not allowed to love what you love. So enjoy the things you love to enjoy. If there's something that you can latch onto that brings honest happiness into your life, cherish it.

I hope this helped in some way...even if just a tiny bit...

I know it was long, but I wanted to explain as much as I could so you don't feel like you're alone or left behind in the fandoms because of age. I tried to deny what brought me joy, and it only brought me more misery. I hated it.

I'm so much happier now, and I truly hope this type of peace comes for you soon as well.

Always feel free to drop in my inbox as anon, I would NEVER delete something like this.

Again, I hope this helped. If I didn't acknowledge something, or seemed to entirely misunderstand, I dearly apologize and please correct me if needed!!

💕 (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ)

(❁´◡`❁)~Stay shameless!

[nothorses]

I don't know if anyone else has experienced this, and I worry about saying this off anon but I want to actually, be a face as I do. When I came out I knew I wasn't cis, and I was lucky enough to have the support of two wonderful trans partners, but I had an extremely hard time finding my place in the trans community. I am pro MOGAI and new, hyperspecific terms because I know how important it can be to want to put a name, a flag, and individual pride to your identity. 1/?

I switched my own terms quite a lot, from demigirl to genderfae to genderflux to where I am now, genderfluid. But I remember there was a moment, because I was so sure I was only female aligned, where I thought for just a moment that I might be a boy, and I was terrified, I didnt want to be a boy, I didnt want to be "that trans." Like every trans person, I struggled with internalized transphobia, not feeling valid or true enough in my identity, 2/15

But that dreadful feeling of being Scared of being a boy is something I think about a lot, and something I think is truly telling. I'll admit I primarily (only) use tumblr because social media honestly isnt my thing, so I can only speak to what I've seen here, but I remember seeing so little about trans men, other than the occasional mention in broad positivity posts, the even rarer info about binding or passing, but I did see how much people hated men. 3/15

It was always implied to be about cis men, I've been spared the more modern issues regarding overt hatred of trans men, but I saw the constant anger and vitriol and genuine hatred for men. And I realize now I wasnt just scared of being "too trans" I was scared of being hated. So I made myself nonthreatening, I called myself a boy, I performed femininity to an even higher, though subversive standard, because I was still so scared of being a man. The enemy. The oppressor. 4/15

It took many more months to dare say I wanted to call myself a man, and even then I was scared, in the comfort and safety of my girlfriend's company. I felt dirty saying it, and I still do. I always only dare to refer to myself as a trans man, instead of just as a man. And I do want to sidetrack for a moment and say my relationship to gender, as a genderfluid person, is admittedly more complex than just when I feel this way, in other ways people are also particularly hateful towards, 5/15

But even with those other facets, and my fear of being open in them, pale in comparison to my relationship with masculinity. Because when I did come out and admit to myself that sometimes, I am not a woman, or nonbinary, I am a man, I became more aware of things. I exited wonderland, so to say. Suddenly I became so much more aware of how much people simply did not care about me or people like me, and especially not our problems or concerns. 6/15

I saw how invisible I was, and worse than that, I saw a very subtle malice. The only mention of trans men were in those broad positivity posts including everyone under the trans umbrella, or in the rare case something was positive exclusively for trans men, it was always reblogged with "dont forget trans women/enby people" tacked on, I remember once I looked in the trans tag and counted how many posts it took to find one exclusively about trans men that didnt mention binding 7/15

I got into the forties. Because on other posts, I would see people make passive aggressive remarks about how "trans men are talked about too much" or "there's all these resources for trans men, what about trans women" and I wanted to know on what earth the people who said that were living on, because the only, and I mean the only thing people tend to talk about in regards to trans men is how to safely bind, and rarely, the effects of HRT. 8/15

This happened a while ago, but I remember seeing a number of posts on my dash about how much representation trans men receive. I believe there was a panel about trans people, where a majority of the panelists were trans men, and trans women were less represented than them. They encouraged people to complain, said we received too much attention, and pointed at mythical trans male rep in media that in reality, I could count on one hand. I remember being so angry and passionate about it 9/15

Now im honestly just tired. I dont feel accepted by the trans community, and even the trans male community is iffy (I fit in amongst mogai people most, but I cant deny trumeds are particularly prevalent, and it wore on me), and it's so tiring to have every post made by trans men for trans men have to be preambled by belittling themselves and downplaying their own suffering. I just want to exist in peace, but I feel like that's too much to ask. 10/15

I've reached a point of exhaustion that I have become entirely apathetic to my own gender, what was once a deeply important aspect of my identity. I feel disconnected from it, and as a consequence from my own body. I don't bother examining it anymore because I can't feel it, as someone who suffers from dissociation, I feel dissociated from it in order to protect myself, something I was once so openly proud about. 11/15

Im scared to try and push for transition, for my own personal reasons, but now on top of those Im terrified of being silenced and belittled and hated for something that should make me happy. I've tried so hard not to feed into the lateral violence and become embittered towards trans women, because that's not fair, but I won't lie and say it hasnt been hard when I have seen more than I ever would've liked be so willing to ignore or outright throw their brothers under the bus 12/15

And of course there are even more who do show their support for their brothers, and for that im thankful, but this invisibility effects how I perceive everything. I feel like I've been pushed back into the closet, I say im trans because I know I'm not cis but I don't even know who I am, what my place is, and I'm scared to explore because I'm scared that who I am will be violently rejected by the people meant to support me. I want to be free to even explore who I am. 13/15

I wish people would listen to my experiences and what I have to say, but in every microaggression every act of ignoring I feel silenced. Trans men are viewed as predatory, just in a different way; trans men are fetishized and have chasers; trans men face higher rates of violence and sexual assault for being trans men; research about transmasc transition is almost nonexistent, and new, better surgeries are not even thought about; transmasc history is erased and silenced. 14/15

I, feel like im rambling at this point, and I'm sorry I've been so longwinded, I just. I want to thank you, for creating a space where I can speak my truth, because before finding your blog I didn't think anyone would care. I feel like I have so much more to say but honestly im scared, and too tired, and have said enough for now. I just want this feeling of loneliness to go away and hopefully I'll find a way to accept myself. Thank you for listening to me, and giving me a platform to speak 15/15

(Edited the numbers for accuracy)

Thank you for trusting me with this, and to other folks: I think this is an important narrative to listen to and share!

[horansqueen]

AM Conversations : chapter 48

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33 || CHAPTER 34 || CHAPTER 35 || CHAPTER 36 || CHAPTER 37 || CHAPTER 38 || CHAPTER 39 || CHAPTER 40 || CHAPTER 41 || CHAPTER 42 || CHAPTER 43 || CHAPTER 44 || CHAPTER 45 || CHAPTER 46 || CHAPTER 47

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.2k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- if you want to be notified when this is updated, please message me or leave a comment!

- note for this chapter: i know my last chapter didnt get many notes but the chapter is ready so why not post it you know? sex is vanilla again. thought it was cute. sue me lol. theyll have kinker sex dont worry hahaha! i would LOVE to know what you think of the characters and their reactions and stuff. so please, message me!

here are the requests for this chapter! for the instagram one, i changed it a bit because i dont think her character would want to be in the spotlight like that i hope its ok! also i had already talked about their first time and such so I added the others :)

Chapter 48 : His chapter

NIALL

"Oh my god! Look at you flirting with that woman like she's not 30 years older than you!"

I started laughing and let my head fall back slightly. My arm was on the couch's back right behind her head and I brought it closer, pulling her to me by her neck.

"Is that the tone you use when you're jealous?"

I noticed her nose raise up in a grimace but she kept staring at the tv, making me laugh even more. For some reason, Olivia wanted us to watch old One Direction interviews, pretending it would help me for the ones I had planned in the next few weeks. It didn't really help, all it did was make us laugh and I had to admit it was quite entertaining and I was pretty sure I had never watched most of them.

"It was tough watching interviews back then." she admitted, raising a shoulder. "Especially the older ones. You were such a horny kid."

I frowned slightly at her comment. I could hear a lot of pain but also a bit of blame and it bothered me. I was young, I was newly famous and not shy at all. Of course, I was a bit stupid and I tried to be funny but out of all the people in the world, I thought she'd be the last one to comment on it.

"I just enjoyed flirting." I let out, shrugging too. "I don't do that anymore."

It took her a few seconds but she turned my way, staring at my profile.

"How many times did it work?"

I frowned, still looking the old 60 minutes interview we did a few years ago playing on screen. Did I really want to have this discussion?

"What are you asking?"

I held my breath and turned to her, noticing how painful it was for her to ask me something like that. I felt my annoyance falter a bit but not leave completely.

"How many girls did you have sex with?"

We had never talked about that before. I thought about asking, especially when we started dating, but I was scared it would start shit between us. When I was younger, I didn't mention my stories mostly because I didn't want to hear hers. Now that I think about it, it was probably out of jealousy, too.

"Liv, please-"

"More than 10?"

I stared at her a few seconds and nodded a bit. I watched her lick her lips and breathe in and nervously, I felt my fingers play with the fabric of the couch. I hated this, it could only turn wrong.

"More than 20?"

I could feel myself getting angry and I closed my eyes, trying to calm down. I didn't know why I was so touchy, it was not in my nature, but perhaps the way she asked me didn't help. It was not just a casual conversation, there was clearly a reason why she asked and I suddenly regretted that we never talked about these things before.

"20 sounds about right." I just said, impatient to talk about something else.

"That's more than twice my number."

We remained silent for a few seconds and I raised my eyebrows at her.

"Am I supposed to answer something to that?" I just wondered a bit rudly. "I don't know what you expected Olivia, but clearly you're delusional. I've had a lot of opportunities it's true, and no of course I didn't jump on all of them, but you don't ask an 18 year old boy to be reasonable after being thrown into fame. I don't think you can really understand what it's like."

I shook my head and sighed louder than needed before getting up a bit roughly. I felt her fingers wrap about my wrist and stopped immediately.

"I'm sorry."

I stayed motionless, standing up with my eyes closed as her fingers pressed around my wrist more.

"I'm just scared. And insecure." she added low as i felt her fingers slip and free my hand. "I don't understand why you're dating me, Niall. You could date so many girls or just fool around with anyone you want. But you're here with me and it just makes no fucking sense to me. So when I see how things used to be for you, it scares me for the future and at the same time, it reminds me how much I cried during those years."

I sighed and slowly sat back down next to her, still not being able to look at her.

"Why did you propose we watch that then?"

From the corner of my eyes, I noticed her looking down and swallowing. I couldn't pretend I knew how she felt, not now and not back then, but I was dating her now, I had been dating her for over 9 months. The fact that she was still doubting me... doubting us, was tough to accept.

"I thought i'd be okay, I thought since you were next to me, holding my hand, that it wouldn't bother me." she explained in a low and ashamed tone. "I was wrong."

I sighed again and rubbed my eyes before getting up again. Her head shot up quickly but I just held my hand out to her. It took her a few seconds but slowly, she slid her palm against mine and I pulled on her hand, helping her get up.

"Let's go outside, okay?"

She didn't say anything, she just let me bring her outside, in the backyard. I took my socks off after letting go of her hands and sat on the side of the pool, putting my feet in the water and waited for her. It took her a few minutes but I still didn't turn to her. The night was calm and warm enough, especially for late september, and I looked down at her feet moving slowly in the water.

"At the lodge, I saw you and Harry making out naked on the side of the pool. It made me very jealous, even if I didn't really realize it back then. Not really because you two were having sex, but mostly because he had your full attention, and I was so used to have it all for myself that losing it was like a slap in the face." I admitted, licking my lips. "I'm not saying I know how you feel, Liv, or how you used to feel. I just think that holding on to that is changing you and stressing you for no reason."

"Maybe."

She didn't comment on the part about Harry and I closed my eyes.

"The first date I ever went on was with a girl from school." I added low.

"Grace, I remember."

"The whole time, all I could think about was kissing her. I didn't care about anything else. I was young, I can't even remember if I liked her, but I wanted my real first kiss and it's all that mattered." I made a pause and sighed. "Then I had girlfriends when I was a bit older, and then I joined One Direction and met other girls. And whenever I hung out with them, I was never jealous, I thought 'hey if it doesn't work then it wasn't meant to be' and that's it. I didn't expect it to last because I didn't want it to last. I had nothing to lose. I thought about sex and having fun."

I turned to her and sighed louder when I noticed tears falling down her cheeks. I moved my body her way slightly and shook my head.

"Olivia, why are you crying? I'm trying to tell you that it's different with you. I care about you. And the first thing I thought of when it came to you was not sex, it was not kissing you. It was making you happy, it was how good I felt around you. Why would you cry for that?"

"Because you seem to forget that I was there, Niall. I saw you with these girls. I cried myself to sleep because I desperately wanted to be in their shoes. My first kiss was with a guy at school who was harassing me to go out with him and when he kissed me, all I thought about was you. The first time I had sex with Rian I wished it was you. Every single decision in my love life seems to have been related to you. I'm not blaming you, it's all on me, but its still not easy for me."

My eyes roamed on her face and I watched her wipe her tears and sniff a few times before clearing her throat.

"We both need to make efforts. You can't spend all your time asking questions about my past that's gonna hurt you, you know."

"I'll work on that." she whispered. "But you're gonna have to be patient with me."

"Okay."

We remained quiet again for a while, just looking at the lights of the pool shining on the water. I knew I should reach for her hand but I wasn't sure I wanted to.

"Remember the first time we got drunk together?" she asked with a chuckle, moving her feet a bit more vigorously and making the water move around her. "You were so cute, and so damn tactile. At some point I was so close to tell you that I loved you that I got scared and hid in the bathroom for half an hour."

I smiled at the memory and chuckled.

"You were so dramatic and I didn't even know!" I let out, making her laugh too. "I don't know how you kept it inside for so long."

"Fear of losing you." she shrugged. "I just looked at you, both of us totally pissed, and I thought 'everyone wants a piece of him but he's with you right now, don't ruin this Olivia'."

"You were cute, you had that really high ponytail. I remember because whenever you'd turn around, your hair would brush against my arm and I was so drunk it made me shiver every time."

My eyes found hers and she was not smiling anymore. Her lips were parted and her eyes were glued to me. I raised my eyebrows and moved my face closer to hers.

"Yes, I remember things. Not the same things you remember, and maybe not for the same reasons, but I do remember things."

Slowly, she pressed her lips together and they curled as she kept looking at me.

"I love you, Niall."

I moved my upper body over hers, forcing her to move down on the hard cement but she didn't complain. I placed both my hands on each side of her chest to hold myself over her and bent down to kiss her.

"I love you too." i answered, moving up to a bit to look at her.

Her eyes traveled on my face until my lips and she licked hers.

"You said you'd make love to me whenever I'd want." she whispered so low i barely heard. "I really want it now."

"It's not really comfortable." I pointed out, the right corner of my lips moving up.

"Then you're gonna have to be extra gentle with me."

I nodded and sat up, immediately reaching for the hem of her sweatpants and she moved her butt up to help me. She brought her feet off the water and placed them on the ground, her knees up, and my eyes roamed between her legs as I let out a low groan. I took my shirt off and didn't even react when it fell in the pool. It made Olivia chuckle and I just moved gently over her, placing myself between her legs.

One of her hands ran on my chest as I pressed myself against her. I felt her grind up slowly against me and bent down to kiss her. I could feel myself get harder with every move of her hips, even if she was barely moving and I let my lips brush on her jaw and down her neck.

"You should keep your shirt on, I don't want your back all scratched."

I brought my mouth back on hers and I noticed her lips curling in a fond but amused smile.

"You don't want to see me completely naked?"

"Don't be silly." I chuckled again, glancing down and noticing her hard nipples through the fabric of her shirt. "I really fucking do. But you don't need to be naked to turn me on."

She smiled more and I moved down on my elbows, moving her head up gently and placing my hands under it to make sure her head wouldn't rub against the cement.

"Are you sure you want to try it here?"

She didn't say anything, she just kept looking at me as her hands moved between us. One of her palms pressed on my cock and I groaned low. She started nibbling on her bottom lip, slowly pulling my pants down and I pushed myself into her. I was surprised at how wet she already was and how easy it was for us to do this, like our bodies just seemed to fit perfectly together.

"I love you."

I bent down again, kissing her as I started thrusting in and out of her so slowly that I could feel everything incredibly well. So well that it brought sensations in me that I hadn't felt before. I felt impatient and my whole body throbbed even more than usual. It was definitely different than what I was used to but I loved it. I could really see all of her facial expressions and ended up letting out a very low curse word when her lips parted and her eyes fluttered close. I watched her as she moved her chin up and I could feel the back of her head rubbing slowly against the palm of my hands, making a mess of her hair. She looked amazing, all fucked beneath me, and it made me realize how much I loved her.

"I love you too." I whispered back. "So much."

"Just me?"

My movements faltered and her eyes opened slowly. I stared at my best friend, laying under me, and I thought of all the things we went through together and all the things we'll go through together too. I thought about our friendship that turned into love, I thought about us when we were young, I thought about everything I missed with her and everything I lived with her, and I could swear I felt my heart skip a beat.

"Yes, only you."

Her hands traveled on my back until my ass and she let out a short whimper as her thighs pressed on my side to keep me close. I could feel my elbows and the back of my hands hurt from rubbing slightly on the cement but it was really the sharp pain in one of my knees that made it worse. I tried to push it out of my thoughts to focus on her and when she arched her back and started shaking, I knew she was cumming.

"Oh god Niall... I.. I'm..."

I tried to keep my movements slow and steady but it was pure torture until I felt an orgasm reach me. I felt it coming and held my breath as my eyes closed and I groaned again as it spread inside me slower than normally. I could feel it until the tip of my fingers and in my toes and when I came down from my high, I blinked a few times.

"I'm literally seeing spots." I let out with a short laugh.

"Me too." she chuckled just as my sight was getting clear again.

I looked at her laying under me and sighed. Now that it was over, I was more aware of the pain and I grimaced. I let myself roll on my back next to her and she moved her upper body over me with a frown.

"You okay? You're not bleeding are you?"

I brought my hands up to look at them and shook my head.

"I'm sorry." she added, raising her nose up. "We should have tried on the grass. Do you need ice or something?"

"And pizza." I pointed out with an exaggerated pain expression, making her laugh.

"Alright i'll bring all that in the living room."

She was about to get up but I put my hand on her thigh to stop her, my fingers brushing gently on her skin.

"Wait." She stopped and turned to me. "These girls, they mean nothing. You need to trust me."

She sent me a sad smile and shrugged a shoulder very slowly. I was tired to fight and I was scared it would ruin things between us.

"I'll try."

                                                         ---

I was driving the first time I heard 'This Town' on the radio and she was sitting next to me. I didn't know why but I felt incredibly lucky that I was not alone, and even luckier that she was the one with me. Her face illuminated and she let out a short scream, making me smile even more. I parked on the side of the road and she threw herself in my arms awkwardly since we both still had our seat belts on and we looked at each other the whole time it played until the very end.

"This is so fucking good Niall i'm so proud of you!"

I cupped her face and brought her closer a bit roughly, crashing my mouth against her and making her laugh. She grabbed the front of my shirt and deepened the kiss slightly, making me smile through it.

"Fucking hell."

She laughed as we pulled away slightly and smiled more.

"It's a big deal. Your first solo song." she whispered. "And you worked hard for that."

We remained in the car for a while, just flabbergasted by what had happened and a bit ecstatic. I looked at her reacting almost as intensely as me and it made me realize so many things that I just leaned against my seat and sighed. Despite all the fights we had, despite my almost total absence in the past few weeks, despite the fact that we had it hard recently, she was there, she supported me, and she was happy for me.

"A few drinks tonight to celebrate, how's that?" she proposed as I started the car again. "We could invite a few friends?"

"Yea, yea good call!" I let out, glancing at her. "Hey take my phone and go on instagram!"

She frowned a bit but she was still smiling and she did what I was told before looking at me again.

"You want to add something to your story?"she asked as I nodded. "Okay, go ahead!"

"Hello lovers, so we just heard 'This Town' for the first time on the radio a few minutes ago and we went completely crazy!" I just said with a laugh, trying to focus on the road as I passed one of my hands in my hair and shook my head. "Let me just get back home and I'll do a live and answer a few questions!"

She stopped filming and played with my phone for a few seconds before looking at me again.

"That's a very good idea."

With a smile plastered on my face, I parked the car and unlocked the front door before quickly getting my laptop. She put her purse on the couch and I sat next to it right before she disappeared in the kitchen. It took me a few minutes to go live but when I finally was, my smile hadn't faltered not even for a second. I started answering questions, glancing from time to time at Olivia that remained away from the camera. I knew she didn't like to be in the spotlight and that a lot of times, I brought attention to her without meaning to, but the fact that she was still there, in the shadows, to support me, meant the world.

"I was with Liv, it's her you heard on the video." I explained, answering an other question.

I saw my girlfriend grimace when she realized everyone had heard her voice and her probably her laughter when we recorded the small video in the car and my eyes found her again, her expression making me chuckle.

"From the face she's making now, it was clearly not intentional." I pointed out, laughing again.

My eyes caught a comment that made me frown but I tried to ignore it until I saw an other one and I finally closed my eyes, breathing in.

"Okay, i'm normally not the type to give attention to bad mouthing but we're trying to have a nice time and reading shit about my girlfriend is no fun."

I could feel Olivia tense near me as my eyes roamed on the comments.

'No Niall pls stay!!!'

'Ignore them we love her! OTP!'

'Fuck whoever talks shit about her'

'They don't deserve your attention!'

I didn't add anything else but kept on answering questions about an upcoming album, more songs, the process of writing and tour. After over half an hour, I said goodbye and turned my computer off. Olivia had left and I joined her in the kitchen, wrapping my arms around her waist from behind. My lips reached her neck and I squeezed her tighter against me.

"Hey, darling." I whispered. I heard her sniff and my heart twitched. "It wasn't that mean. I promise."

I watched her fingers grip the side of the sink more and suddenly felt extremely bad. I shouldn't have commented, that way, she wouldn't know about the mean comments, but when I saw them, I didn't think, I just reacted. It was not like me but reading shit about her made me a bit impulsive and now I regretted it.

"That's what I mean when I say I don't understand why you're dating me." she murmured after swallowing hard. "No one understands why you're dating me."

"People who know nothing about you or our story don't get it, so what?" I just replied, nuzzling her nape. "Fuck them. I know why i'm dating you and i've got a shitton of good reasons."

"Don't tell me you don't doubt us, sometimes, Niall." she shook her head. "Don't tell me it never crosses you mind that you should be dating someone who's in your league. A tall, skinny, gorgeous actress, model, singer... I don't know."

She moved away from me and turned around, her back still facing me. I let my arms fall on each side of my body and sighed a bit loud before rubbing my eyes. I was trying to comfort her but it seemed like nothing i'd do would change anything.

"I'm telling you it's you, okay? I love you!" I argued, getting annoyed again. "I don't get how it's so hard to understand!"

She finally turned to me slowly and I felt a pain at heart when I saw the tears on her red cheeks. I didn't know why it was affecting her that much and I felt like i'd never understand.

"Love is not everything. Contrary to popular belief, love is not all you need." she pointed out, her arms crossed on her chest. She shook her head again and licked her lips as I stayed still, holding my breath. "I don't get why you don't understand how I feel, and I can't seem to explain it. It's useless, Niall. I'm useless."

Without waiting for an answer, she turned around and walked in the hall. I closed my eyes, trying to calm the beating of my heart. I should have ran to her and took her in my arms. I should have tried again to tell her how much she meant to me. I should have begged her to believe me and trust me. Instead, I sat on a chair and sighed loud. I felt defeated and exhausted at the same time. I just wanted us to be happy like we used to be but I didn't know how.

After a good twenty minutes of thinking, I got up and walked to our room, opening the door slowly. She was laying in bed, on her side with her knees up. I took a few steps closer only to realize she was asleep. I put my hands deep in my pockets and stared at her for a few seconds. Her lips were slightly parted and I could hear her breathe a bit louder than usual. I sighed again and found a blanket before putting it over her and bending down.

"You're so much more than you seem to believe." I murmured close to her ear. "I wish I knew how to show you. Maybe i'm the useless one."

[ayatosmlktea]

tw discourse??? it’s been a while since i came on tumblr due to me being off all social media but i just need to address this because its important.

i wanna say: i think ur a good person. but i’m reminded of when i saw you publicly roleplaying which was nsfw at times with us minors and ppl way younger than u in that one midoriya server a few months ago. which is a good reason why i left it back in july or so. i’m attacking you but because of ur age u need to start being aware of how your interactions with minors will affect us because it’s uncomfy and dangerous. “i’m 24 but mentally feel 19 cuz time is weird” or whatever u said in response to being asked about ur age is not an excuse. i just couldn’t ignore this anymore i don’t think u should too🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

wtf am I ignoring my guy? My blog says minors DNI so idk why you, a minor, are here but okay. Clearly it’s been a while since you’ve been off of social media because I’ve said smth abt this before.

The deku server role-play was just for shits and giggles, the nsfw stuff was directed towards the characters and not the person saying shit because one, I literally want nothing to do with minors??? I also never asked for nsfw rp? I’m not begging anyone to rp dabi so I can say lemme suck your dick. Furthermore, the nsfw rp was never taken seriously? I’m not sitting there getting hot and bothered bc a fucking fictional character is telling me they wanna choke me out????? 

I’m sorry if it made you uncomfortable but also, there were 2 other admins u could've messaged to say u weren’t feeling comfortable. 

I also wanna say that you should be sending this message to a lot of other people. Also when we made the NSFW age restricted channel, a lot of you minors were bitching about not being able to see what was in there so if you were feeling uncomfortable, I apologize but I’m not the only one you should be attacking.

Have you also messaged the minors in DPS who lied about their ages to get into Yagami’s server? I hope that makes you uncomfortable too.

I have a brain el oh el. Me saying mentally I feel like I’m 19 is not me saying oh well I think I’m younger than I really am so it’s okay for me to do these things 🤪. I am fully aware I’m 24? I know I’m an adult? Idk what your point in bringing that up was? I'm not excusing anything?? I’m not fucking saying “im 24 but I really feel like im 14 🥺🥺🥺 uwu” I’m saying that I am a grown person who is expected to have their shit together but I feel underprepared and lost? My own perception of what a 24yo would be doesn’t match up to what I’m doing with my life? But go off booboo I'm rlly proud of you.

I can own up to doing something wrong, but also if you know who I am, and you’re still sending this on anon instead of confronting me face to face like? Okay anyway. 

In summary: I dont care if you think im a good person, but fuck off

[voracious-pumpkira-starr]

VORE COMMUNITY PSA

False information was spread about me with very little truth. While some is truth, others are either taken from untrustworthy sources or were said by people whom are enemies i made in the past to make me more hated. I dont know if all of you know the post im refering to, i wont link it here but it has been causing me a lot if stress

Now I’m not going to deny some parts of the post because they are factual. But other parts are false. I havent blackmailed people for roleplay, and I dont charge back payments. The charging back of commissioned artwork is only from the artists point of view. And even then its heavily exxagerated. What happened was I spent too much money on porn commissions using a family members credit card on my own paypal, i paid this family member to do this of course bit they didnt know what i was buying. After i spent over $1000 CAD they realized I was spending it on porn and called paypal to charge it back. Paypal charged it back. I tried and tried to get paypal to send the money back but they locked me out of the account and the family member refused to let me send the money to them. Since then I was only able to pay back one artist of many, its not just artists. Paypal took back all payments and I even lost some of my art programs such as Clip studio EX because of this. Ive also lost many mobile apps and more. This caused me a lot of stress and I wasn’t allowed to use a credit card for a long time. Now, You know who. A certain artist who made these claims. Yes I admit I tried to roleplay with them but I will be honest. This is a honest statement from my own mouth. There is many many people in the community who KNOW I’m sumlur and are of age who roleplay with me and I wont name them to keep them same from harassment. Im not innocent but neither are the people like YOU who spread this information. And I will send you this post privately. Yes it is not my place to be in the vore community but because I have it helped with my depression and I learned many things that made me better as a person. I know my mistakes and I understand even when 2021 comes I will be hated in the community or even not let back in at all. But all I’m going to say. Is that yes I was immature and regret a lot of my decisions. But i stopped ban evading and all that long ago. It is now 3 years since this ekas portal drama has started with me, I, because of outdated or false information spread by you and many others have been Doxxed and had my info leaked on 8chan by a user named cloud runner teeny on 12/24/2018. Its been over a year since i was doxxed and I have been struggiling with depression and at multiple times even was suicidal. I nearly killed myself on lean (purple drank). Im not asking for pity because we both know I did aome messed up shit but making a PSA about me and spreading things from your point of view is only half the story. Many people have harassed my social media because of this or even turned me into a laughing stock. So here, if it makes you happy Cham. I’ll make a statement right here right now publically for all to see. If i lose friends for this then whatever it is what it is. It took me a lot of guts and a long time to say this but the stress has gotten to much for me. for the sake of peace I’ll admit to everything Chammy was correct about me ane everything that was false along with some misconceptions about me: so firstly Chammy is right about my age. My birthday is 01/30/2003. I am nearly 17 years old. Chammy is also correct about me asking him for roleplay stuff. However many adults i know who know my age are fine roleplaying with me and I will make this very clear for all of tumblr and the world. Yes I know the underage law and why you think you would be at risk of becoming a sex offender. But hear me out, I’ve actually talked to online lawyers about this and there was never a statement in US Federal law about roleplaying with minors being wrong. The only thing that is bad is if your doing it with malicious intent or send real nudes. As for the age of consent, that is 16 and as far as I know you can legally have sex with anyone within 5 years apart from you as long as its not recorded at that age. So I would assume roleplay would be legal unless its recorded or screenshotted just the same. So yes although it might be risky there is almost a 100% gaurentee your not at risk unless you go bragging about it or the minors parents

Report you. And I don’t have parents, my birth parents abandoned me for a life of crime and my grandparents had custody over me since i was 2 years old. My grandparents know about my vore fetish and although they think its weird they are fine with it to some extent. I can assure you for a fact they won’t report you unless your asking me for literal nudes, which I’d never even give away. Secondly I wanted to bring up the fact I did NOT try to sneak into Cham’s server I was asking if somebody could vouch to let me in so at 18 my friend Andy (WHO KNOWS MY AGE) could vouch for me since he/you closed all invites because of people insulting male predators.

Nextly I want to say this, Chameleonette is not a bad person. They aren’t spreading lies about me on purpose they are only saying what they were told which was spread around by many people who hate me such as aljenserp, AlluringPredation, Reffles, Cloudrunnerteeny, and artists who think i charged back on purpose. Now I also want to bring up the accusations of blackmailing adults who roleplayed with me. This is false, the only adults i ever blackmailed where ones who knew my age and asked for nudes, or were ACTUAL MINORS pretending to be adults which i know for fact.

Now I will admit I exposed some of these friends as minors out of anger and lost friends for this. I regret this so i wont say which ones, But I blackmailed them about exposing their age for some fights in the past.

But I will also admit again I did some stupid shit in the past and I understand the hate I have but its been causing me lots of stress and Harassment on social media. Look cham, if you actually take the time to read this I’m sorry for everything ive done to you and the vore community but I want to say that the adults arent entirely innocent either. I caused these problems by lying about my age, joining ekas, ban evading, manipulating people, and buying art when I shouldnt have. All of it has come back to bite me in the ass. Combined with the stress from real life I couldn’t take things anymore and essentially ruined my life. As of now I dropped out of highschool because the stress was too much and couldn’t work anymore. Now I’m educationless and most likely won’t get a job. For those who are curious in one year and 29 days is when I will be 18. And if any of my friends whom dont know my age read this I want to say I’m sorry for lying. I strongly have issues and am really clingy to people I like so I end up lying to make friends. And i know many people are going to block me for this so in turn I will end up more stressed but its the most mature thing i could think to do. I would love it if nobody blocked me and we just talked like friends and save the vore stuff for when I’m 18, which I do with many of my friends already. As stated before the whole reason i joined ekas in the first place was to join a community i felt like i fit in with after getting depression from losing a friend i really cared about named anatoily

Many times in the past i used anatoily as an excuse for my actions but thats not what im doing. Anatoily if you see this i want to know im sorry for using your name as an excuse for my wrong actions. I originally joined Ekas for that purpose and used that as an excuse, on there i made many friends some of which i have even today. At one point i planned on leaving ekas but then I found somebody who reminded me of anatoily. I had an obsession with them and it led me to well ruin that friendship. Around this time i was exposed underage by Reffles on a minecraft server who had a incorectly dated birth date from a Enjin server about me claiming i was 14 when i was 15 which now i am 16 turning 17 and that link would display 15 turning 16. To explain this I want to say when I made this enjin account I mistyped the age and never bothered fixing it because I rarely used Enjin. I just used it to apply for minecraft admin positions.

I regret many of the things ive done and cant stress this enough that I’m sorry but in all honesty this is the true story of what happened with me and the vore community

In 2017 I joined ekas because my mind didn’t care about the consequences I was upset about anatoily, which isnt an excuse for my actions. I lied about my age and all was fine i was getting away with it. I met the person who reminded me of anatoily in February of 2018 whom helped me grow as an artist. I started working as a artist practicing for when I’m 18. When reffles found me out i was upset and was banned from ekas and the discord Work to Feed. I was upset for many reasons, one even being that i just got the first person ever to commission me and even today was never able to do the art or send it to them making me feel like a thief

So a lot of ban evading and ruined friendships later some problems happened with me and a friend named Aljenserp who like me was a minor. I was watching one of Silent_E’s streams and got banned because Tyrion13 recognized me. I betrayed Aljenserp like an asshole saying he was underage (i dont think he is underage anymore but he was at the time this happened) because he was a staff nobody believed me and i was banned from the stream and lost all trust aljenserp had in me. He became my enemy. Now after this a lot of people started hating me more and more, there was some drama on 8chan about me which i posted on being some idiot as i was younger and didnt know what i was doing.

This caused many people to not even feel any pity for me thinking i was stupid and deserved what i got. This was shortly before the problem happened with paypal. After that i was hated immensely more and many people startee saying some stupid rumors about me

One really dumb one was from the ekas user ExplosiveWaifu who has a Dragon OC named Lydia. Goes by DragonWaifu on discord. In one instance i was talking to Lydia about how one of my friends was a Maoist communist and his beliefs and how i support him because he is my friend. She believed because he had communist beliefs and i supported him that i was a terrorist and ceased all Communication with me for this. Another false rumor about me was spreaded by a friend of Explosivewaifu who i cant name as they are always changing their name. she is a trans woman, me and her used to talk a lot and whenever she got drunk she would well... be really irl lewd with me so i started calling her a pedophille (which is where the blackmail stuff ties in partially though i didnt blackmail her it was somebody else)

Many times this friend while sober would claim that i act to mature and that I couldnt be a minor, thus a rumor spread around that inwas a adult pretending to be a minor to get kicked out of the community for purposfully causing drama to make people think im a believable minor so i could easily prey on minors like a pedophille... honestly this is a really dumb rumor and dunno why it was believed by anybody at all

Next I want to talk about the ID theft accusations. Mettra Tonic gave me a health band from the hospital which in July of 2018 i tried to use as a ID to get me unbanned and it failed, this led to trust issues with Mettra who also spread false information about me which is mostly well known for the accusations of blackmail against her friends who were minors. There was another ID issue with a man named worthylightning and Kobayashi whom I tried to. Let them both help me get unbanned because friendship. It didnt work and i felt bad.

Lastly the only true case of ID theft is the one with reffles. Reffles gave somebody her ID who gave me the ID and I cropped out the age part of her ID and tried to use it. I since regret this action but i wouldnt concider the age part alone to be ID theft.

There was also accusations that I steal artwork which i dont own which is false. All artwork of Pumpkira is owned by me, either drawn by me, won in a raffle, requested, or given to me as a gift.

Moving on later in the year CloudRunnerTeeny doxxed me and made a group on discord called the Sumlur eradication squad where he blackmailed me and threatened to leak my info (which he did on christmas onto 8chan before it was taken down for breaking ToS) me and my friend tried to mislead him do he wouldnt Dox me and dox a fake person but this failed, made things worse infact. After that me and teeny came to a truce to leave eachother alone if i stay away from him and his friends. A promise I Semi-kept to today.

I already explained the whole issue with the art charged back, false rumors, and blackmail.

But I want to say this. Please stop sending information that is outdated or just speculation about me. Hear both sides of the story.

And yes when I turn 18 in 2021 I know I’ll still be hated and I have come to terms and accept that is my punishment for my mistakes. But please stop sending drama my way as I am very tempted to just delete all my social media at this point. Its gotten really stressful and I just cant...

Also Chammy again you aren’t a bad person i dont blame you for my hate as Its deserved. Although some of your claims were wrong or from your point of view, others were true and It is good you made a statement about me. But please tell people not to harass me and just block me. I’m going to make this post Private for a while before making it public. I want you to read this before it goes public on my Tumblr.

Lastly I heard you were feeling sick and hope you get better.

From artist to artist I have been improving my art and stories which like you one thing i hope for when im 18 is to be a successful artist or writer. Im already planning a large scale SFW webcomic as many people know. Though I feel like it is going to have a negative impact because Pumpkira is the protagonist and i gaurentee at least one person from the vore community would expost past me to everyone who reads future me’s work

Anyways thats all.

Update 2020: now 17

Update: 2021 now 18 as of January 30th 2021

[johnnysnostril]

You’ve Always Been Mine

chapter 14

`jooheon

sitting on the couch, i sank into the cushions and closed my eyes. this wasnt right. this wasnt how i pictured everything. i couldnt believe that wonho was sneaking around with the girl that i loved. how could she even allow him to do so. i pulled out my phone, trying to call nori’s new number. i sighed as it went straight to voicemail. she probably hasnt even turned it on yet.

i looked up from my phone, seeing hyungwon walk out into the living room, sitting next to me.

“you did on number on your knuckles there.” he said point down to my hand. i glanced down and noticed all my knuckles were bruised and red.

“i guess.” i said looking out towards the window. “why are you so angry?“ he asked as he crossed his legs.

i snapped my head back in his direction.

“im not angry- and im not having this conversation.” i said getting up from the couch. i went straight into my room, slamming the door and falling onto my bed.

“I TOLD YOU SO.” kihyun shouted through the wall.

`shownu

pulling up to the hotel, wonho and i got escorted up to the suit. we greeted the bodyguard then he knocked gently, waiting for an answer. misun slowly drew back the door- peaking through the crack before greeting us with a weak smile.

“hi.” she said almost to a whisper. she quickly glanced over at wonho- who had a patch on his nose, and dried up blood on his busted lip.

“bless your heart, please come in. i’ll make you guys some tea.” she said pulling the door completely open.

wonho took a seat on the couch, as misun started the tea.

“where’s nori?” i asked, taking off my jacket and joining her in the kitchen. she exhaled softly and nodded over to the bathroom. “bathing. i dont think she wants to be bothered.” misun turned around and placed her hands on her hips, leaning back against the counter.

“will you please explain whats happening?” her expression was full of worry.

i pulled her into a hug, shutting my eyes and sighing. she wrapped her arms around my waist, slipping her hands underneath my shirt to rub my back.

“im a tough girl, i can handle this. i just need to know that we’re safe here.” she whispered into my chest.

i nodded.

“i would never take you somewhere you’re not safe. wonho and i are staying with you guys tonight.”

she nodded and pulled back a bit to look up at me.

“something else happened-” she said searching for my eyes. “your energy is different.”

i was confused on how to tell her, that tomorrow- i would have to tell the entire world, that she was my girlfriend. i hadn’t even officially asked her yet. this situation was taking that away from her. she didnt deserve to be thrown into this.

i looked down at her, lifting my hand to push her hair back then kissed her forehead.

fuck it. i’ll just do it now.

“misun- tomorrow, a lot of changes will be happening. involving you and nori, but also- you and i.” i started.

the worry grew in her eyes.

“i never pictured this moment in this exact way- but, it doesn’t matter now. whatever happens, i dont ever want you to feel like you’re second to anything. you’ll always be top priority. no matter what. misun, will you officially be my girlfriend?”

her eyes slightly widened and she tilted her head a bit. a small smile appeared on her lips, and i could see a few tears starting to form in her eyes. her brows furrowed and she slowly nodded her head.

“of course- i would love to.” she whispered before taking a deep breath.

my smile now matched hers and she laid her head on my chest. i squeezed my arms around her and kissed the top of her head.

“tomorrow, i’ll have to announce our relationship.” i said softly.

her head shot up.

“so soon?” she questioned. i nodded. “come, sit.”

i grabbed her hand, taking her over to the couch where wonho was waiting. i sat down, then pulled her on my lap.

“when we got back to the dorm, our manager was waiting for us.” i began.

“you guys got in trouble, oh my god.” misun covered her face with her hands.

“babe- everything will be fine. i promise.” i said taking her hands. i gently placed a kiss on her knuckles and laced our fingers.

“someone took a picture of you and i, kissing.” i said rubbing her hand with my thumb. “that’s why, this all has to be so soon.”

i gave her a minute to process everything. for a moment, it looked like she was trying to solve a really hard math problem. she finally sighed and stood to her feet, releasing her hands from mine.

“okay.” she said nodding. “okay?” i shot back in questioning.

misun made her way back to the kitchen and i watched her for a moment before following her. she turned off the tea, grabbing three cups. as she poured, i held her waist.

“i know this is all so sudden. its okay to feel scared, misun.” i said softly. “it’s normal.”

she was quiet for a moment.

“fine- im terrified.” she said finally, slamming her hands on the counter.

i looked over at wonho, who got the hint about excusing himself. he silently made his way to the balcony and shut the door.

i exhaled and turned her body around to face me.

“i will not let anyone, hurt you or nori.” i cupped her cheeks and looked down at her. “you guys will always be protected. i know this is a big title for you and everything is happening so quickly- but i got you.”

i flashed her a reassuring smile and she shut her eyes.

“what am i going to do about my job?” she whispered. “i wont be able to work there anymore after all this is released.”

i thought for a moment.

“you could just let me take care of you.” i said tilting my head and chuckling a bit.

i knew that wasnt going to work for her though. she was strong, and independent. she didnt need me to take care of her. even though, i wanted nothing more- than to do so.

she folded her arms across her chest. “i dont need you to take care of me, shownu. im a grown woman.”

i laughed.

“i know, babe- at least let me take care of you- until you find something else that you wanna do. deal?” i said backing up a little extending my hand.

she glanced down at my fingers then back at me, before shaking my hand.

`nori

wrapping a towel around my body, i exhaled deeply and smiled to myself a bit. that bath was really needed. it calmed me, and put me in a better place to think.

gathering my clothes, i exited the bathroom. shutting the door behind me- i noticed shownu and misun in the kitchen. “oh, hi.” i said tightening my towel, embarrassed.

shownu turned his head and chuckled before covering his eyes with his hands. “hi, nori.”

“sorry.” i said slightly laughing. i ran off to my room and shut the door behind me.

i quickly dried off my body, putting my bra back on- then covered myself with the hotel robe. i tied it loosely around my waist as i walked over to the windows, taking in the view. as i turned my head, i noticed wonho- standing by himself on the balcony, slightly leaning on the railing. i smiled while i watched him. he almost looked like he was at complete peace. i gently knocked on the window, making him turn his head in my direction. i instantly noticed the bandage on his nose and frowned. i waved and so did he.

i held up my index finger, signaling him to wait for a moment and he nodded. i released my hair from its bun and fluffed it a little before sliding on the complementary slippers- making my way out towards the balcony.

as i shut the sliding door, the night wind tossed my curls off my shoulder.

“hi.” i said weakly. wonho opened his arms, where i felt more than welcomed. i hugged him for a bit and he slowly rubbed my back. his chest was very muscular. it felt different from hugging jooheon. he was warm and the smell of his cologne was soft, but strong. it made me smile.

as i pulled away, i examined his face. he must have been a mind-reader, cause he instantly started laughing.

“it doesnt hurt. it looks a lot worse then it is.”

how could he be so happy, right now? his member- who’s supposed to be like a brother to him, clearly broke his nose. not to mention, busted his lip.

i sighed and looked down.

“im so very sorry for all of this. its all my fault.” i said walking up to the railing. i looked out towards the city- wondering what jooheon was thinking about, right now.

“it’s really not. you didnt do anything.” he said joining me. wonho stood so close to me, that i could feel the heat coming from his body.

“i just dont understand how we got here, ya know?” i said looking at him. his eyes were already on me and he was chuckling.

“what’s so funny?” i said turning my body in his direction. he looked out towards the view and shrugged.

“i guess im just having a hard time comprehending why you picked jooheon- out of all people?”

his eyes met mine, once again- and i almost got lost for a second. 

`wonho

nori was quiet for a moment. her eyes never left mine though. i wanted to be honest with her- tell her what i was really thinking, in this exact moment.

“i just think you deserve better, thats all.” i said confidently. 

a small laugh released from her throat.

“if i didnt know any better, i would say you’re trying to flirt with me- mr. hoseok.” she said folding her arms across her chest.

“you’re the one who came out here with a robe on. if i didnt know any better, i’d say that you’re trying to seduce me.” i stood up straight, looking down at her and lifted my brows.

she snickered and rolled her eyes, playfully.

“it’s the only thing i have right now.”

she pushed my shoulder back and i laughed. it felt good to see her smile. havent see it in awhile.

“here- i’m sure this would do a better job of keeping you warm tonight, anyway.” i grabbed the bottom of my hoodie, lifting it over my head- slightly exposing my abs on purpose. i playfully tossed the garment on her head and she laughed.

pulling at the sleeves, it fell in her hand and her smile faded.

“i dont think i should take this.” she admitted. i tilted my head a bit.

“im not sure if its respectful to jooheon.” she looked up at me, with sadness in her eyes.

“it’s not like im giving you a ring and asking you to marry me.” i chuckled. “besides, being respectful- is the last thing on jooheon’s mind when it  comes to you. so i dont think you should worry about any of that.” i leaned my back against the railing. “its just a hoode.”

“im not accepting a no from you, nori. just take it.”

she shut her eyes for a moment then nodded.

`nori

the weather changed very quickly from the time i shut my eyes, back to opening them. the sky became darker and we could smell the rain.

“we should go back inside.” wonho said softly.

he placed his palm on the small of my back, as i walked into the suit, him following behind me.

shownu and misun were still in the kitchen talking, as we approached them.

“well, its been a very long night- to say the least. i think im just gunna go to bed now.” i said sighing. misun nodded and made her way over to me, giving me a hug. “goodnight, i love you.” she said squeezing me. “i love you too!”

i said goodbye to shownu and hugged wonho, then made my way to my bedroom.

later that night

i laid in bed as the rain drops hit the window hard. i was tucked under the sheets, in wonho’s sweater. i did feel a little awkward, i must admit. i didnt have on any underwear. i defiantly wasnt going to put the liquor stained ones on, and i was in the room by myself.

thats okay right?

thunder crashed through the sky and i jumped, throwing the blanket over my head.

god, i hated weather like this. i really hated being alone at times like these.

i didnt wanna wake misun- im pretty sure she was exhausted. i slowly removed the blanket from my head and sighed. my stomach instantly started growling. i groaned and sat up.

“but theres no food here.” i said talking to myself. i glanced over at the clock.

2:48am

room service is defiantly out of the question. getting up from the bed, i glanced at my clothes on the floor. i scrunched up my face and pouted at the thought of putting last nights underwear on.

it’s fine- im sure wonho and shownu were long gone. its just misun and i- plus, i wont even show my body when i speak to the guard at the door, when i ask him to send someone for food.

i slipped on the underwear, instantly regretting it- as the smell of liquor took over my nose. as i opened the door slowly, i peaked out into the dark hallway.

making my way through, i stopped in the kitchen to double check the fridge.

“cant sleep either?”

i jumped, slamming the fridge shut and looked out into the living room.

wonho was sitting on the couch, smiling over at me.

“what are you still doing here?” i said pulling down his sweatshirt. it hit me just before my thighs, so i felt really exposed.

“oh, uh- shownu didnt tell you that we were staying?” he asked. i shook my head.

“you scared me.” i said breathing a little heavy. my heart was beating fast and i placed my palm over my chest.

he flashed a smile as he got off the couch.

“im sorry- i didnt mean to.” he slipped his hands in his pockets and lifted his brows. “you hungry?” he questioned.

“uh- just a little..” i said trying to hide behind the counter. he laughed at my actions. 

“you dont have to hide. i know how to control myself, nori.” 

[mini-pretzel]

alright dude yea EVERY NUMBER FOR SWEETHEART ASKS

… what have i signed up for?

//cracks knuckles

grab a juice box, grab a snack.

we’ll be here for a while. what have i gotten myself into

1. Talk about your first love. 

oh jesus. i actually recently found my old journal lol

from way back when. 2009 i think? i was 13 or some shit. jesus. ok. so my first love was actually over the internet.

yeah, i know. nowadays we’re spoiled with tinder n shit, but back in 2009, all we had was myspace and msn and i met this fucker on skype.

i was so ahead of my time.

anyway, it was october 25, 2009.

here’s a snippet from my journal entry:

well i met a guy on skype. he’s a month younger cause my b-day is on oct 14 and his is on nov 18. but i don’t mind it.

yoooo i was into younger guys even at 13, jfc hahhaa //kill me jk hmu

and then on the next page hahahhaa omg

december 2, 2009

well me and ___ are no longer together. well we never began. he broke my heart two times already. going in depression. please don’t bother. first love, ha!

omfg damn, two months. yeah, that lasted long. also old me: ur so dramatic lol

also i was a feisty lil fella, jeez.

2. What’s the most beautiful songs you’ve ever heard in your opinion? 

this one

3. How’s your heart feeling right now?

a lil stressed. im like, hoping i can get through all of these questions without my computer crashing. pray 4 me.

4. What kind of self care is your favorite to do? 

ok, first thing to note, i fucking love self care. like, too much if im honest.

baths with bubbles and nice smelling scents, lotions, a face mask, taking my time with washing my face and hair and putting on the cutest clothes after. also snacks, always snacks.

when im feeling like spending money: massage. full body. best thing ever. i treat myself to it at least once a year for my b-day.

5. What’s your skincare routine? 

ok so i just got a new skincare line. it’s from nature republic. i have a cleanser, a toner and a moisturizer. it’s fairly simple (unlike 9 steps in korean ahhahha, but like i’ll probably get there in time) also i have a peel mask that smells like bananas that i put on twice a week to get rid of dead skin cells. oh and sometimes i do korean face masks, too.

6. How did you get to be so beautiful?

answered that q here

7. Do you have any stuffed animals?

NO! //hides them all away

8. Best trip you’ve ever been on?

thailand. my parents took me w/ them on their honeymoon.

lol idek why either. trust me.

i was just there for the swimming, riding elephants, getting food poisoning and downing two banana splits in one afternoon. good times.

9. Favorite thing about your room? 

i live in a jungle. but also in an art gallery cause my mom buys paintings online and resells them, but it’s become such a habit for her they are literally EVERYWHEREE I CANNOT.

also sorry mom i keep forgetting to water the GAZILLION plants THAT YOU HAVE MOVED INTO MY ROOM FOR SOME REASON. they’ll be dead by the time ur home. srry ilyyyyy.

also tae hmu if u want some paintings. i got way too many.

10. Opinion on love? 

dude. idk. i mean. it’s definitely not something one can describe easily or fully grasp.

im still waiting for my big love to come along, so like, we can talk about that when we get there.

otherwise, i’ll say this quote that i heard in a song:

give your heart, but keep your head.

11. Are you affectionate? 

with certain people. im weird.

with some people im like no, don’t touch me pls. i bite and scratch.

and with others you cannot get them out of my death love grip.

12. Who do you look up to? 

i look up to bts a lot. they’re doing a lot of good and they’re very respectable artists.

but i also look up to a lot of writers on here because i want to create worlds and writings like them. i won’t tag them cause rip them trying to find why i tagged them in this long ass post haha.

13. Favorite poet? 

@psycho-slytherin

lol sorry bae

ur gonna have to scroll to find out why i tagged u. and then go red and yell at me. hahah.

i also like silentium! by Fyodor Tyutchev

also everything by pushkin (esp ‘i loved you’ fuck that one gets me every time). seriously. that man isn’t called the golden poet in our country for nothing.

i actually don’t read a lot of poetry nowadays unless its my own or my friends’

but im open to recommendations

14. Song that makes you happy? How about one that calms you down when you’re in a bad place?

answered here!

15. Do you play an instrument?

lol no. i was almost taught the piano (lol rip me, i wanna kill my younger lazy ass self) and i dabbled into learning the violin. but that’s like a whole story and a half hahahaha.

16. Do you do art? Using what (pencil, watercolor, etc)?

i used to pencil draw, nothing special tho. a lot of naked ppl lol. butts n boobs were my fave. also pecks whoo.

17. Do you dance? What style of dance? 

i don’t! but i want to. i’ve been looking into dancing schools. i might do hip hop n stuff. see if i have the rhythm, i can’t tell from just jumping around my room lol

18. What’s your zodiac sign? Do you believe in astrology? 

im a libra yo. diplomatic and indecisive af.

i kinda do? there’s some sense there, but it’s too vague. i think ppl need to look into their charts to really grasp their character.

and for some it may not be true at all, so like. idk. we’re all just doing our best here.

19. Favorite old film? 

a russian film that i always watch over the new year. my mom would always joke that the new year doesn’t start till we watch it lol

the irony of fate

20. What’s your hairstyle? 

idk

u

tell

me

21. What weather is the most beautiful, in your opinion?

cloudy but warm. so there’s not too much sun but u can enjoy a nice walk outside without getting rained on.

22. What upsets you most about the world? 

i only have two hands but there are so many cats and dogs. i cannot pet all of them.

23. Are you in love right now?

answered ;)

24. Do you have a crush? If so, talk about them!

here u go

25. Do you have pets? Talk about something sweet about them! 

i don’t! but i wish i did i would shower them with my love.

but @the-trth-untold dogs are the cutest and @psycho-slytherin cats make my day. pls spam meeeee. also i love @paristae cat too.

26. Do you have a lucky number? 

yup. 22.

27. Have you ever wished on a star? What about on a fallen eyelash? 

i’ve never seen a fallen star, so no.

but i’ve wished on a fallen eyelash, always.

28. Do you believe emoji spells to work? 

emoji spells??

bruh i’ve never even heard of it till this ask wtf is that shit

bruh i mean if it works for ppl all power to them??? idk i never tried it

29. Do you believe in magic in general? 

i believe in magic tricks. but magic died for me when santa stopped existing.

30. What’s the most beautiful thing in life, In your opinion?

here

31. Opinion on the color pink? What about baby blue? 

gorgeous colors. i quite like mauve pink and deep dark blue tho.

but baby blue looks amazing on some folks. oof.

32. What instrumental sound is your favorite? 

piano. always.

33. Do you like the sound of wind? What about the sound of rain? 

answered :)

34. Who makes you happy? 

bts and all of my mutuals

35. What makes you happy? 

sleep, food, music, writing, cuddles. and forehead kisses.

also more listed here

36. Imagine your ideal life, the life you wish to make, what will that look like? 

i live in a nice apartment. doesn’t have to be expensive, just nice and clean with wooden floors and spacious windows.

i have all the necessities that i need and im never lonely.

i have also touched countless hearts by my books and am able to live comfortably just from my works.

haha. you said ideal, right?

also have someone to spend it with. someone i’d write poetry about daily. a bestfriend first and foremost before a lover.

37. Do you wear makeup? If so what’s your favorite type of makeup or specific makeup product? Favorite store to buy makeup?

answered this fella here

38. Do you wear dresses? If so what’s your favorite dress you own? 

i used to have dresses. but not anymore.

i liked the long sleeve sweater black one i had with a low cut. it was gorgeous. i dont have much of boobage but i always felt like i was sexy in it.

39. Ever been heartbroken? How do you deal with it? 

yep. you just kind of take it one day at a time. some days will be better than the last. some days you’ll cry a little harder and some days you move on a little further. it takes time. make sure you have good people around you so you don’t fall into depression.

40. Who’s your closest friend? What do you love about them? 

ah, to be honest i don’t have a closest friend. i’ve always been the kind of person that always had friends around her but never anyone too deep. and i kinda wish i did. i just don’t know who would come to fill that spot. people always leave, so i kind of gave up assigning that spot. i think the people that want to be in that spot will show themselves and tell me. otherwise i will not assume or assign.

41. Introvert or extrovert? 

introvert. but i have my moments. i can be charming and friendly when i want to.

42. Do you like MBTI? What’s your MBTI? 

i had to look it up cause i forgot what it was lol

i took the test a while back: im infp.

there’s not a lot of us, apparently. which is cool. shout out to all infps out there!

43. Would you be a fairy, a mermaid, a vampire, a siren, or an angel? 

hmmm. what kind of fairy tho? lol

maybe vampire? idk i’d be a sexy immortal lady that’d bite innocent boys and girls that just want to have a good time lol

44. What’s the best song a friend has ever introduced to you? 

this oneee

45. Parlez-vous français? 

no~

46. Most beautiful place you’ve been to? 

butchart gardens

47. Where/when do you truly feel at home? 

here

48. Does smiling put you in a better mood? Try it right now, you’re smile is gorgeous! 

kdjfalkfjdlkdsaf //hides

this ask is flirting with me…

well that’s as much action as im going to get this new years eve lol

49. Favorite shoe you own?

my sweet rose gold kicks, yo.

50. Can you walk in stilettos? Do you like them? 

lol no. i cannot. and i do not. im not made for heels. im tall enough as it is.

51. Do you feel loved? 

every time i talk to my mutuals yes //cry

52. How do you express love to those you care about? 

by saying cute words and by clinging to them like a koala.

53. Favorite term(s) of endearment? 

sweetheart, dear, idk im just like anything honestly. love, baby. go crazy.

i also love mean terms like idiot and stuff. or nicknames that hold inside jokes, something between the two of you only.

54. Most romantic thing someone’s ever done for you? 

hasn’t happened yet. so yeah. any takers? lol

55. When is the happiest you’ve ever been? 

reading a good book for the first time. or just experiencing something new that i end up loving for the first time. nothing can replace that first feeling.

56. Are you happy right now? 

happy im almost done hahhahahahaa. ha.

no but srsly i am

57. What makes you smile? 

stupid jokes. puns. someone laughing and showing themselves fully.

58. Do you laugh a lot? 

i mean. i think so? i try. i make jokes a lot and laugh at myself if that counts?

59. What’s your favorite kind of aesthetic? 

ughhhh comfy bf aestheticcc

60. Do you want to marry for love or for some other reason (like money)? 

i have a sour view on marriage. so only if i love someone hard enough. but even then i don’t know if i’ll do it. it hurts too much to think about marriage and wedding rings for me.

61. What would your dream wedding look like? Do you want to get married? 

see above.

62. Favorite flower?

orchid.

63. Favorite artist?

claude monet.

64. Favorite music artist?

bts lol

no surprises there.

65. How kind do you think you are? Is kindness important to you? 

its not something for me to decide. i try to be kind to everyone, but how it is interpreted is different for everyone. i’d like to think i’m kind.

and yes, very important. especially being kind to yourself.

66. Ever made a playlist for someone? 

yes i have. i love making playlists for people. i don’t get asked that enough.

67. Do you have anything you do to physically comfort you when your sad? Such as a favorite blanket? Or a relaxing bath? 

music. music always helps. and tea.

ideally i’d love for someone to massage my scalp, but hahah no one’s been able to do it the right way. when it’s done right i melt and forget about everything.

68. Early bird or night owl? 

night owl.

moonchild, lol

69. Morning routine? 

wake up, look in the mirror, look away from the mirror, go back to bed.

70. Night routine? 

SHOWER N NICE SMELLING LOTIONS. AND SKINCAREEEEEE OOOOF.

also fresh sheets.

71. What is the most lovely quality a person could have in your opinion? 

answered here

72. Do you cry often? Does crying help you get the emotions out? Do you feel better after? 

i only cry when i watch or read something. and it does help. i always feel better after. but i tend to keep my emotions hidden away, the negative ones at least.

73. Do you like hugs? 

i love hugs. come hug me, bro.

u must smell nice tho.

74. When was the last time you kissed someone?

august.

75. Are you small or tall? 

tall. 175cm.

76. Do you like wholesome memes? 

answered

77. Favorite thing about the past? 

cd players. chia pet commercials. flip phones. mom jeans.

78. Do you ever wonder about the future? 

all the time. esp mine. i have no idea what the fuck im doing.

79. Have you ever lived in a different country than you currently live in? 

yep. i’ve lived in america and canada before. and traveled a lot.

80. Do you like plane flights? Airports? 

i don’t mind flying. and depends on the airport. some are better than others.

81. Sunrises or sunsets? 

sunrises. every day is a new day~

82. The beach or a forest? 

bitch- i mean beach. :)

83. What time of day do you tend to be in the best mood? 

any time i am eating. or sleeping. or reading.

im so close to being done omg. this is fun tho.

84. Do you push yourself to act together and in a good mood even when you aren’t? 

always. ain’t nobody gonna deal with that baggage lol

85. Favorite kind of tree? 

japanese maple tree

86. Do you care about the health of the Earth? 

i mean i don’t even care about my health that much tbh, i need to work on that.

87. What did you like most about your childhood, if anything? 

that i got to travel and learned english very young.

88. Do you read a lot? What’s your favorite book? 

answered here

89. What are you most nostalgic for at the moment? 

old school disney

90. What’s your favorite personality trait you have? 

answered this bad boi here

91. List at least ONE thing you love about your appearance. 

eyes. have to work on my ass tho. squats baby.

92. When was the last time you truly felt calm, without much of anything to worry about? 

after a massage.

93. Do you worry a lot? 

eh, i worry enough, i suppose. there’s just some stuff you can’t control.

94. The dazzling lights of the city or the relaxing countryside?

dazzling lights of the city. especially in the evening. and in the winter. ahhhhh. someone hold my hand and walk with meeeeee.

95. Ever changed the shoelaces on one of your shoes? For what reason? 

no i haven’t had that pleasure, lol

maybe next year

96. Favorite pastry? 

BUTTER. CROISSANT.

97. Do you like doing little acts of kindness? 

yes. uwu

98. How’s your day/night going? 

well im finally done with this ask holy shit, and i need to resume writing my namjoon fic so… fantastic. i also have noodles. whoooo.

thank you for reading this whole damn mess of an ask.

ily

[likeabulletyoucanhurtme]

The 100 (questions that is....not band or TV show)

1. If you were on a 2 hour road trip and could only listen to one song on repeat until the trip was over what song would it be? idk it would depend. Could be Neck Deep - In Bloom but also if you go with Dream Theater - A Change Of Seasons thats only like 4 plays :) 2. If heaven or hell didn’t exist and wasn’t a reward would you still make an effort in being a good person? Atheists believe in good. 3. What’s your poison? Vices etc. JD 4. What’s your favorite thing about your hometown? the football team lol.

5. Are you a better friend to your friends than they are to you? It's a mutual thing that we don't really talk lol. I'm a horrible friend to most people but one did say I was angel, which was a compliment cause she’s religious even though I’m not

6. Have you ever ran a red light? I can't drive, but I ignore traffic signs when walking. They're more of a suggestion than a rule especially in Glasgow.

7. Who is the most influential person in your life? I influence myself; fuck all y'all.

8. Give me a hot take. What’s the unpopular opinion you stand by? Love Island is pish

9. What would the ten year old you think about you now? 10yr old me wanted to be an astronaught so idk lol probably disappointed

10. What’s your favorite city to visit/live in? Town lol I don't do visits

11. Tell me the story of your first kiss. She asked me out and I was kinda dithering but then just as she was walking away I shouted yes at her like a fucking lunatic and she turned around like "....oh." Then we snogged :P

12. What was your yearbook quote (if you didn’t have one what would it be)? The romans didnt invent a great civilisations by having meetings. They did it by killing all those who opposed them.

13. What’s a non-sexual turn on for you? Millie's Cookies <33333

14. Who’s your favorite non-animated movie character? The wee old dear from Last Train To Busan <3

15. You fall into $10K and you have to spend it on yourself and not bills, what do you buy? Gig tickets, alcohol and stuff off my list

16. Have you picked names for your children yet? one

17. Do you have any talents? I'm very good at singing badly

18. Which would you prefer: Netflix and Chill or iTunes and Chill? Netflix or iTunes themselves. I ain't got no chill. And no-ones interrupting me if I'm listening to music/watching something

19. Fill in the blank: I want to ____ your _____. _hug_, _soul_

20. Is once a cheater always a cheater true? idk people can change but I'd say the relationship is forever ruined. Someone that cheated on me might not cheat again, but I wouldn't trust them anymore.

21. In one word, What was the reason your last relationship failed? complacency

22. What’s something therapeutic you do when you’re stressed? listen to music

23. What was your favorite non-Pixar Disney Film? Big Hero 6

24.  Ruin a first date in 5 words or less. "I like country music" :P

25. Drums or Flats? I thought this was about music or highheels but google says its about chicken. And I prefer boneless!

26. Do you remember your last dream? What about? No idea, I don't remember them much I'm just greatful for whatever sleep I can get.

27. Do you want your kids to go to church, synagogue, temple, mosque? why? Never! I don't want to fill their heads with nonsense and a life of trying to conform to outdated arbitrary rules just so they have a good afterlife.

28. If Gerard Butler, Russell Crowe, and Liam Neeson get into a bar brawl who wins? The press?

29. Looking back would you have lost your virginity sooner than you did or later? Sooner. The lateness was not for lack of trying

30. Do you have a favorite book? Not really but it used to be either Reaper Man or The Hitch-hikers Guide To The Galaxy

31. Fuck Marry Kill? Do I get to pick my own??????? Fuck - "Main Course" Marry - hahahaha no Kill - your hopes and dreams

32. Is college worth it? Why? Yes because its good to know things and worth it to get a better job so you're not working beside me :)

33. Favorite Cartoon growing up. idk I can't really remember what I watched.

34. What’s your favorite social media besides tumblr? I'm on Facebook more but that's just to play games mostly

35. Does your first crush still look good? I don't talk to her anymore but her pictures aren't too bad

36. Do you think starting a gofundme is begging or helpful? Depends on the reason, like I've seen one just for a sesh which is fucking stupid, but like Americans do them for medical bills or some legit reasons.

37. Sesame Street or Barney? Sesame Street! Cookie Monster<3

38. What you’re favorite R&B Album of all time? I hate them all.

39. What movie(s) do you know all the lines to by heart? I can quote bits of films but probably not the whole film

40. Would you date someone you met on here? idk like I prefer this as a more anonymous space to share things and rant about people who actually know me. If I'm doing this right no-one I meet on here should figure out who I am :) But yes I'd date y'all cause you're all wonderful peoples

41. Would you rather be too hot or too cold? Too cold, it's Scotland you know?

42. Would you date yourself? I dont think I could put up with my own shit. And if it was like really my personality in a female form we'd be far too fucking shy to speak to each other.

43. Apple or Android? Android, Apple is a cult

44. What is the first song that you can remember learning the lyrics to? Daydream Believer for my aunties wedding

45. What are 3 of your favorite Michael Jackson songs? I genuinely do not like any of them but Alien Ant Farm covered Smooth Criminal if that counts?

46. Fill in the blanks: it’s not cheating if ___ ____ ____. you haven't actually kissed or slept with the other person and you're only sharing inappropriate messages on facebook and they've already said they're not a homewrecker... sorry, too specific?

47. Could you put your dreams on hold to support your bf/gf pursuing theirs? my dreams have been crushed so it would depend on what theirs were

48. What’s is the title to your autobiography? The Life And Times Of A Fucknut

49. Is there someone you’re trying not to call or text right now? YES! SO MUCH. I want to message her all the time but she hasn't messaged me and i dont want to appear desperate even though I am so I'm not gonna message first although I check every 5mins if shes messaged me

50. What is your favorite emoji or emoji combination? :P or ;)

51. Do you have any deal breakers in relationships? cheating lol.

52. Are you Tre or Doughboy? I had no idea so I googled it and Wikipedia says "Tre is highly intelligent but has a volatile temper and lacks respect" which is so me :) Idk who doughboy is lol

53. Favorite movie? Don't really have one tbh. I have too many I want to watch to bother re-watching something i've seen.

54. How long do you talk to someone before you expect a relationship? when you talk to someone its the start of a relationship in the loosest sense of the word because friendship is still the relationship between two people

55. Ruin a first date in 5 words or less. repeat questions would ruin a date cause it proves you're not listening

56. How old are you and how old do you feel? I'm 29 but I feel the same as i always have

57. Tag your favorite tumblr blog. @evilsupplyco

58. Your house is burning down and your family is safe what is the one material item you’d grab? my phone'd already be in my pocket so laptop?

59. How long until you introduce your bf/gf to your family? theyve met

60. Fill in the blank: All you need in this life of sin is you and your ____. Nope. All you need in this life of sin is you. No and your anything

61. Kobe, Jordan, or Lebron? neither

62. What is your favorite Drake lyric? I hate everything he has ever said

63. Where did you meet the last person you fell in love with? I don't fall in love, I believe I only fall in lust/infatuation/obsession.

64. Do you know your love language? I joined a shitty website to find the answer. Apparently it's physical touch and then words of affirmation.

65. Take a Myers Briggs Personality Test: what are your results? No. I fail at these. The questions are never things that i would do so i feel like im unintentionally lying and it never sounds like me

66. How do you feel about Quentin Taurentino films? Violence and blood what could be better?

67. Fill in the blank: Get you someone who will ______. _worship you as the amazing and beautiful bad ass bitch that you are <-- actual drunken advice from me

68. What’s your favorite movie soundtrack? Spiderman 2 i actually had the album

69. What’s your favorite fragrance on the opposite sex? i dont care what they smell like as long as its not fags

70. Is there any magazine, blog, or publication you read weekly? Nope

71. Will you abstain from sex or go to marriage counseling? Why are these my only options? But I'm not going to counselling, if they have issues then they should just tell me :)

72. There’s two kinds of people in the world: Those who pour ketchup on their fries, and the ones who put it on the side to dip. Which one are you? The one who doesn't order ketchup at all.

73. Rough sex or slow sex? Both. Either. Any lol

73. Have you ever slept with a stranger? Nope. Not that I have anything against it I've just never had the opportunity

74. What’s your dream music collaboration? Produced by who (Dead or Alive)? idk but probably produced by rick rubin cause that guy does eeeeeverything lol

75.  What song will you probably conceive your kids to? Music would just be a distraction

76. Do you have a scripture or quote you live by? Nope

77. Finish this sentence: If men had birth control _____. itd be free

78. How long should sex last? As long as both partners need

79. What music do you listen to when you de-stress? Just whatevers next on the playlist

80. How soon should you text someone after getting their number? The next time you want to tell them something but they arent there beside you?

81. How do you feel about the 80/20 rule? Living in lol but its more like erm 20/80?

82. Is sex a determinate in a relationship? Yeah. Why would you get with someone if you're not at least somewhat attracted to them?

83. Is it wrong to move in with someone or “shack up” before marriage? Nope

81. Send me a never have I ever. Never have I ever enjoyed beer

82. What is your favorite video game of all time? Spyro The Dragon

83. Who is your favorite book/movie character? "SQUEAK" said the Death Of Rats

84. Can you define love as best as you can? Nope

85. Does size matter? I hope not, women like taller guys lol.

86. What is your favorite thing about the person you like? Physically? Personality? idk

87. Five Year plan? Go! Don't get fired, save money, get an actual house, buy stuff off my list?

88. If someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to? idk i dont understand me so why you asking me?

89. Do you think of yourself as a human being or a human doing? Do you identify yourself by the things you do? I don't tend to think of myself at all really... and why would I identify myself?

90. What does emotionally available mean to you? Someone who is not emotionally closed off?

91. Could you go into business with your ex? Hahahahahahahah no

92. What is the last song you sang aloud? I'd Rather Drown ineverletpeopleinandihaveyoutoremindmewhy

93. If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you? They do. They told me. It sucks cause it changes nothing except igniting that small bit of hope id given up on...

94. How do you prefer to obtain your music Streaming, Downloads, or Physical? Physical albums for artists I like, even though it just goes straight into the laptop anyway i still like having albums

95. Name an artist you like that your friends probably don’t listen to. What friends? But erm Archangels Revenge. I doubt the ex members listen to them as much as I do lol

96. Tag someone that’s probably her baby father. this makes no sense?

97. Post a selfie you really like. nope

98. Do you watch anime? What is your favorite? Death Note or The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya so far, but ive got a lot on my list

99. What’s the zodiac sign of the last person you dated? Aquarius

100. Do you know Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior? I know that he is not either.

[queenoffuckinneverythanng]

10:13 venting

Yano the time 10:13 I think will haunt me for the rest of my life..I cant seem to escape that time every time I look at it.  now its too personal of a reason to get into here but at 10:13 my life changed for good and im still trying to figure out if its for the better. most days I can say it is but I think ill spend a lifetime thinking if it was for the better...

sometimes I sit and wonder why everyone needs reassurance from me but where's mine? 

people constantly need me to be there, to tell them I love and care for them, to be there person.. but no one ever thinks of me needing it.. then everyone wonders why im so heartless because when I need it when I have a bad day and feel like shit; unloved, depressed and anxious.. where are they?

its crazy to me that the only person who asked me about it was my ex when I was 14.. the only person that sat down and wondered how I was and me being anxious so genuinely.. and Its been 9 years since I've spoke to him and genuinely and whole heartedly HE asked. more then most people I know and it opened my eyes. whatever we may be I needed a me for me so thank you <3.id be good to just have a me.. thank you for being there when I didnt know I needed you that night.. in a short time you got me thru some shit and opened my eyes on life. so THANK YOU. for finally being\ caring for what I need and not being selfish when you could've been...

 I had to do this by myself since I could remember I picked myself up every time when I was low; when I got myself through my depression.. when I was so depressed and planned to die everyday who was the constant for me? MYSELF. so trust me when I say I dont need anyone because I dont . I went thru cutting, depression, suicide, starving myself and that was just high school. 

so it amazes me when people need that reassurance in there life but dont ever think maybe just maybe I DO for a change.

people are so damn selfish yet wonder why im so good alone I must be heartless right? 

sometimes the strong one needs to break but I cant so I dont which is why nothing  bothers me when I went thru so much worse and simply because I dont get it back so why give it anymore?

so sorry not sorry for anyone at this point who NEEDS reassurance for me because before you get im demanding it for myself. 

somebody can tell me why they love me and care for me someone can check on me 

xox

[kasiopeia]

///

1 month in 2021 and i am already losing my shit -_-

i really really really hate being overlooked. i pretend it doesn’t happen, i pretend it doesn’t bother me, and i won’t even acknowledge it. to each their own, right?

yesterday’s event is still making me pissed beyond my mind i want to fucking yell at them. im done reaching out to those lots. i feel like absolute shit. rage is very uncomfortable and i really hate it but its here and now idk what to do!

im thinking of spending on genshin just to get xiao to keep me ???distracted i guess LOL?? im blasting loud ass music so i can feel the beats bouncing in my ears, i know its bad for my hearing but i cant fucking deal with this anymore. im thinking im gonna fail this semester in everything. i cant even ask someone to take care of me because always always something ends up happening and I have to cheer them up instead.

im really sorry for having to rant here i feel really ashamed of myself for being such a fucking idiot i cant even solve my own problems. its so stupid that i just want someone to care. i feel like im 14 again. do u know what i used to do when i was 14? beg someone to care. its always about how they feel, i cant even be sad without people making it about them suddenly. 

now i run whenever someone Does want to help. is there tho? no they’re only nice to me because they have a crush on me, and theyre betting on me falling for them eventho ive rejected many times. i cant. GDSHFGHSDFSGHDFSGHDFSGH why is it just so hard????? i dont want to be responsible i dont want responsibilities. 

its so stupid i know. im 23 ffs. im an adult i should know how the world works. i do. but i hate it. im 23 and ive never drove a car. im 23 and idk how to accept help eventho i want it so much im complaining about it. so stupid isnt it. im 23 yet i dont feel any different than when i was 14. thats 10 years man. and NO CHANGES. NOTHING. 

ok im done for now im gonna go play genshin with the guy who has a crush on me

[captain-ezri-dax]

ALL of the questions for Q2

42. I have a question of my own! - rip

PHYSICAL PRESENCE AND GESTURE.

1. How do they move and carry themselves? Pace, rhythm, gestures, energy? - probably slow & deliberate

2. How much physical space do they use, active and at rest? - probably not much either way. She’s a sneaky gal & taking up as little space as possible is an ingrained habit by now

3. How do they position themselves in a group? Do they like to be the center of attention, or do they hang back at the edges of a crowd? - she doesn’t rly like talking anyway, so she doens’t rly bother trying to be the center of attention. She just hangs back & listens if she has to

4. What is their size and build? How does it influence how they use their body, if it does? - im not sure if synths have like. A certain size they’re built for cause im 90% sure they don’t grow, but i like to think she’s p small & uses it to sneak around doing her job and/or hiding from other coursers if she defects

5. How do they dress? What styles, colors, accessories, and other possessions do they favor? Why? - before she defects, just the normal courser uniform cause i think all coursers have to lmao. If she defects & gets her memories changed she’ll probably have the hooded rags outfit

6. What are they like in motion–in different environments, and in different activities? What causes the differences between these? - honestly i have no idea how to answer this rip

7. How do they physically engage with other people, inanimate objects, and their environment? What causes the differences between these? - with people, at least before defecting she probably kinda.. Doesn’t? She’ll hurt synths she needs to bring in if she has to but otherwise, she just doesn't physically interact. Depends on the object too - if a computer console needs hacking & she can’t manage it she’ll just give up & break it

8. Where and when do they seem most and least at ease? Why? How can you tell? - she is literally never at ease. Ever. She’s constantly a little stressed. She’s always around other coursers which she doesn’t like, doing a mission she doesn't enjoy or defecting & worried about being caught

9. How do they manifest energy, exhaustion, tension, or other strong emotions? - mMM shrug

10. What energizes and drains them most? - she just wants to sleep & eat pie. That’s probably all that energizes her tbh. Tho if she ever got a gf being around her would probably be a little energizing

11. How are they vocally expressive? What kind of voice, accent, tones, inflections, volume, phrases and slang, and manner of speaking do they use? - honestly i. Dont rly know. She’s definitely v quiet & only says things she has to, like mission reports or asking for pie

12. How are they bodily expressive? How do they use nonverbal cues such as their posture, stance, eyes, eyebrows, mouths, and hands? - she just. Isn’t. If u were trying to guess her mood on body and face expressions, there’s literally no difference between happy & excited or horny & hatred

DISPOSITION AND TEMPERAMENT.

13. How do they greet the world — what is their typical attitude towards life? How does it differ in different circumstances, or towards different subjects? Why do they take these attitudes, and why do they change? How do these tend to be expressed? - again she’s not v expressive before defecting but she doesn’t rly think about her day when she’s a courser? It’s all just routine & kinda numbing cause she doesn't rly wanna do the job anymore, tho being inexpressive helps her hide it. Once she defects, her inexpressiveness is definitely still there but if she makes friends her legs bounce just a little in excitement being around them & maybe she’ll even smile a little

14. What do they care deeply about? What kind of loyalties, commitments, moral codes, life philosophies, passions, callings, or spirituality and faith do they have? How do these tend to be expressed? - wellll she doesn’t really care about the institute at all while she’s there tbh, she’s only there cause it’s where she was made & the only kinda life she’s rly known. I wonder if she’ll get attached to a travelling caravan once her memories are changed, tho keeping her loyalty for too long would be pretty hard if she has options that might be better for her

15. What kind of inner life do they have — rich and imaginative? Calculating and practical? Full of doubts and fears? Does it find any sort of outlet in their lives? - definitely full of doubts at the institute, she’d view herself and other synths as literally just machines like a protectron designed to do a job. (tho at some point she’s forced to kill or nearly kill a synth she was supposed to retrieve, her outlook fuckin shattered when they were scared & felt a lot of pain.) She’s a little more practical & mindful for her own needs once her memories are changed

16. Do they dream? What are those dreams like? - before she defects she probably just doesn’t. But after, Q2 dreams of pies, dogs & cute girls

17. Are they more shaped by nature or nurture — who they are, or what has happened to them? How have these shaped who they’ve become as a person? - uhhh im dumb & cant work out what this means

18. What kind of person could they become in the future? What are some developmental paths that they could take, (best, worst, most likely?) what would cause them to come to pass, and what consequences might they have? What paths would you especially like to see, and why? - worst case scenario is that she doesn’t defect & instead throws herself into her courser work, starting to enjoy hurting people in bringing synths in. She’d probably end up dead if the institute is destroyed or survives & fights one-handed against the railroad. Best case is that she forgets all about the institute, gets a gf & a dog & learns how to cook something edible after like 3 years

CONNECTIONS WITH OTHERS.

19. How do they behave within a group? What role(s) do they take? Does this differ if they know and trust the group, versus finding themselves in a group of strangers? Why? - She never rly likes contributing to a group, even if she knows them well, but knowing them well means she’s more likely to actually listen. She still doesn’t like large groups after defecting but can be around 2-3 people & have decent conversations, tho she shuts down if the group is any larger.

20. What kind of individual relationships do they have with others, and how do they behave in them? How are they different between intimate relationships like friends, family, and lovers versus more impersonal relationships? - like. Rn? In the institute? Fuckin NONE. She’s completely alone. Give her a friend

21. What kind of relationships do they tend to intentionally seek out versus actually cultivate? What kind of social contact do they prefer, and why? - again she. Doesn’t rly. It isn’t that she wouldn’t want a friend it’s just that. If they defect it’s v possible she could be called to retrieve them & it’d hurt her, so she just avoids the premise altogether

22. How do people respond to them, and why might these responses differ? - honestly i. Have no idea lmao

23. How do they respond to difficult social moments? What makes them consider a social situation difficult? - again she. Kinda doesn’t? Most social situations feel the same to her before defecting, tho if it’s particularly long & needs a lot of input from her she’d probably just have a nap right after

24. How do they present themselves socially? What distinguishes their “persona” from their “true self”, and what causes that difference? - Q2- “don’t talk to me” -33 vs Q2- “hold my hand” -33.

25. What do they need and want out of relationships, and how do they go about getting it? - i think, for her, it’d depend on the person she wants to know? Before defecting most relationships she has are just “i need u to do a job” or “what job do i need to do?” but after, she mostly just wants people who’d like. Actually show that they care

26. How do they view and feel about relationships, and how might this manifest in how they handle them, if it does?

ACTIVITIES AND PREFERENCES.

27. What do they strongly like and dislike, in any category? Why? - uHH my brain is blaaaank sorry

28. What are they likely to do if they have the opportunity, resources, and time to accomplish it? Why? - probably just practice cooking. She wants to be able to not rely on someone else to cook for her, or having to spend like 500 caps on one meal

29. What kind of activities, interests, and hobbies do they have? What significance and impact do these have in their lives, both positive and negative? - uHHHHH i never thought of this either oops

30. What is their preferred level of activity and stimulation? How do they cope if they get either too little or too much? - she doesn't mind a lot but if she needs to do something she’d prefer less stuff to do before her goal is completed. If the amount of shit she needs to do exceeds her limit she just powers through it w/ force. She’d stop sneaking around a settlement & instead just force her way through, hurting people if needed

31. Is there anything that counts as a “dealbreaker” for them, positively or negatively? What makes things go smoothly, and what spoils an activity or ruins their day? Why? - honestly like. Not rly? The only real dealbreakers are having to retrieve someone she’d considered a friend, after defecting, doing something that would actively negatively impact or hurt her. Like having to pay a lot & getting nothing back

32. Do they have any “props” that are a significant part of their life, identity, activities, or self-presentation somehow? What are they, how are they used, and why are they so significant? How would these props’ absence impact them, how would they compensate, and why? - uhhh what the fuck does this mean. Is this like an actual object or something she uses to like prop herself up or????

THINKING AND LEARNING.

33. How do they learn about the world–what is their preferred learning style? Hands-on learning with trial and error? Research, reading, and note-taking? Observation or rote memorization? Inductive or deductive reasoning? Seeking patterns and organization? Taking things apart and putting them back together? Creative processing via discussing, writing about, or dramatizing things? - she probably just observes. She’s relatively patient & can observe for a long while if she has to, tho i wonder if institute synths can just have knowledge programmed into them

34. How do they understand the world–what kind of worldview and thought processes do they have? Why? - before defecting she probably just. Doesn’t think of the surface world? To her it’s a ruined irredeemable mess. After defecting she probably still thinks it’s a mess but it’s her mess

35. How and why do they internalize knowledge? What effect has that had on them? - uh

36. How much do they rely on their minds and intellect, versus other approaches like relying on instinct, intuition, faith and spirituality, or emotions? What is their opinion on this? -idk she probably just doesn't think on it unless someone points it out, but i’m she she’d rely more on instinct & intuition, tho she can think on problems when she needs to

37. Have they had any special education or training that colors their means of learning about or understanding the world? Conversely, do they lack some kind of education considered essential in their world? What kind of impact has this addition or lack had on them? - well i’m 100% sure her courser training would affect literally everything about her life lmao

38. Is there anything they wish they could change about their worldview or thought processes? What, and why? - probably not tbh?? Until she defects she doesn’t rly think on it

39. What sort of questions or thoughts recur in their lives, either specifically or as a theme? Why are these never answered, or answered permanently to their satisfaction? - who even knows i haven’t thought of this much detail about her ;-;

40. What do they wonder about? What sparks their curiosity and imagination, and why? How is this expressed, if it is? - she probably just has existential thoughts about whether or not she’s actually like. Alive or not? Her entire life the institute probably just tells her she’s a programmed machine, so she wonders if she’s a machine, what being alive is actually like

FREE FOR ALL.

41. What associations do they bring to mind? Words or phrases, images, metaphors or motifs? Why? - titty

[jiminspromise-remade]

I think you shouldn't go to the park. Idk it's clear they didn't bother to even ask you and are just going along. I wouldn't have done it because at least some self respect, don't care when they don't care about you

idk anymore i really dont. i keep thinking its my fault and that i brought this upon myself so i feel like i dont have the right to feel the way i am rn. so if anyone rly wants to know the full story with all the details, ill leave it under the cut bc im just really beating myself up over it now

ok, first off, so that things arent too confusing, i’ll be referring to everyone as letters. so i’m in a group chat with M and A, making it 3 of us in the group total. 

i dont remember who brought up what, but someone suggested we go to the mall amusement park and waterpark. and then A goes “i know someone i can buy tickets off for real cheap” and M says yeah buy it!!! and i go “oh wow amusement park. i dont rly like swimming though.” like i really dont remember explicitly letting them know that i want to go or anything, and then suddenly a few hrs later A tells the group chat “can u guys transfer the money soon” and i was like ummmmm excuse me? what? how much??? and A tells me its $40 for both water park and amusement park. and im like…. ok holy shit what the fuck…. i dont have money,, esp bc its december and christmas is coming so i’m buying gifts for people and its just im so stressed at this point because M and i agreed to split on A’s gift which is a polaroid and so i ask my older sister to buy it from work bc she gets a discount. more money problems rolls around bc it was my mom’s birthday earlier this month and my sister got her a fenti foundation and my mom only asked for ONE foundation brush and my sister goes off to buy a WHOLE SET that my mom wont even use so!!! i had to pay my sister back WAy more money that rly needed bc my family decided to pitch in to buy a little smth for my mom. i ended up paying my sister back $110 for the polaroid and my moms gift. putting more stress into my shitty financial situation, my family wanted to do a secret santa and someone suggested we have the MINIMUM price for a gift to be $50. liek  > ?? /???? min $50 ?????? like mind u im trying to find a job rn i really am but its hard to find one bc mnobody fucking likes uni students but anyways im literally going off in a tangent. back to the main point.

SO i tell A that im tight on money and idk if i can pay her back right away. i can tell she got frustrated w me because she already bought the tickets and i say im sorry but she tells me i can pay her back when i can so im like ok thanks but im not even gonna go swimming?? so A tells me i only have to pay her $20 which is fine but im rly that Broke Bitch so i tell her i’ll pay her in january. she says thats fine. this conversation took place on dec 8th. 

fast forward to dec 14, the day of my last exam. i go to the train station to catch a train to uni and i hear someone call my name. my friend E is sitting at the end of the waiting shed by the window. i end up taking the train with him since we go to the same uni. note that he’s also friends with M and A. anyways, on the train he asks me, “are you going on saturday?” and i ask him “saturday? when?” and he tells me”the 23rd?? we’re going to the mall” and im just standing there like “o what??? when was this decided??” and E tells me “idk lmao A just invited me” and i was like…. ooookay…… i asked the group chat with A and M multiple times before this when we were gonna go but i was never given an answer. nobody told me anything. so in that situation i just tell E that im probably going bc A already offered the tickets in the group chat so i guess im going?? right??? but later that day i start doubting myself. why couldnt they tell me that we were going on the 23rd?? they had time to contact E, who isnt even in the group chat, and i knew nothing. fast forward again to i think the next day, my sister brings home a box of chocolates shes selling as a fundraiser for the band trip. so as the good sister i am, i advertise her chocolate on snapchat. a friend that i met through M messages me (we’ll call her B), asking if she can buy some. and i say yeah u can!! and then i ask her when i can give it to her and she goes “on saturday? duh??” and im like… “oh…. saturday?? like amusement park saturday??” and she says “yeah ur going right??” and i tell her “um idk A and M never told me a date so i guess???” so now thats 2 people that they contacted outside of the group chat. i had to find out like some dumbass from E and B when the actual date would be. so now here we are to the present week, tomorrow being the actual day of the plans. i had to ask the group chat earlier this week “so we’re going to the mall on saturday??” and A goes “oh right yeah!!!! we are” and i was like,, oh. ok. 

and ever since jjong’s death, my emotional stress jst….built up even more and i began to overthink more and i began distancing myself even more than before and A and M felt that. i let them know abt my mental state and A says “yeah we noticed so we just gave u some space” like!! at LEAST let me kno ur giving me space!! bc this whole time i kept thinking that they dont wanna fucking talk to me bc im some dramatic bitch.

thts it. thanks for reading 

[foreverrosaliesbitch]

Prompt list

please take note NONE OF THESE ARE MINE i’ve only taken a few from random blogs around tumblr so i dont own any of these prompts im juts browwowing them and using them if anyone had a problem with that please message me privatly. 

secondly when requestting using the prompts plase include 

1. pairing eg. Jasperxoc EmmettxRosaliexchildoc 

2. the prompt number eg. C.127 and b.12 (note plese refrain from using any more than 3 prompts per request but feel free to request different ideas as many time as you like)

note there are 3 seprate prompt list A, B and c so when reqeusting add what letter A.6 C.89

_______________________________________________________________________

PROMPT LIST A

1.     “Well, what can I say? I’m a badass.” 

2.     “Define normal.” 

3.     “Do I get bonus points if I act like I care?” 

4.     “Just remember if we get caught, you’re deaf and I don’t speak English.” 

5.     “Don’t look for any redeeming qualities. I don’t have any.” 

6.     “It’s amazing how fast the world can go from bad to total shit storm.” 

7.     “I love you. You enormously stubborn pain in the ass.” 

8.     “Remind me to kill you. Please.” 

9.     “I’m listening to you. I’m just not paying attention.” 

10.   “That’s a little melodramatic, don’t you think?” 

11.   “Were you dropped on your head?” 

12.   “She’s crazy. And just when you think you’ve reached the bottom of her craziness, there’s a crazy underground garage.” 

13.   “She may seem like lollipops and rainbows but I bet behind close doors she’s latex and whips.” 

14.   “Sorry. I don’t speak skank.” 

15.   “If I survive, can I go home?” 

16.   “My middle finger salutes you.” 

17.   “This is a whole new level of moronic, even for you.” 

18.   “I don’t have enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel.” 

19.   “Insanity run in my family. It practically gallops.” 

20.   “Somebody’s cranky.” “Somebody needs to shut up.” 

21.   “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.” 

22.   “All due respect, but that’s a bunch of crap.” 

23.   “I am one of the few people in the world who can murder you and leave no forensic evidence behind.” 

24.   “What did I tell you about calling her/him the devil?” “That it’s offensive to the devil?” 

25.   “I heard that!” “You were supposed to!” 

26.   “I need therapy after this.” 

27.   “You didn’t get in trouble for lying. You got in trouble for lying badly.” 

28.   “I turned out liking you a lot more that I originally planned.” 

29.   “I think you’re weird.” “I think you’re boring.” 

30.   “You seem somewhat familiar. Have I threatened you before?” 

31.   “I’m afraid I’ve been thinking…” “A dangerous pastime.” 

32.   “I’d explain it to you, but you’re brain would explode.” 

33.   “Wow, there’s a big surprise. I think I’m going to have a heart attack and die from surprise.” 

34.   “I’m gonna hit you so hard, it’ll make you ancestors dizzy.” 

35.   “Even when we were kids, I always kicked your ass!” 

36.   “Sarcasm is the body’s natural reaction to stupidity.” 

37.   “You’re good. A monster pain in the ass… but you’re good.” 

38.   “Well, excuse me, psychic wonder!” 

39.   “Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably.” 

40.   “I already know that I’m going to hell. At this point it’s really go big or go home.” 

41.   “What’s the point in screaming? No one’s listening anyway.” 

42.   “I’m not a damsel in distress. I’m a damsel doing damage.” 

43.   “So stick that in your juice box and suck it.” 

44.   “Never take life seriously. No one ever comes out alive anyway.” 

45.   “This place hold a lot of memories for me. Some bad, some… No. No, no, all bad.”

46.   “You’re insane, but you might also be brilliant.” 

47.   “What you call insanity, I call inspiration.” 

48.   “Sometimes I question my sanity. Occasionally it replies.” 

49.   “Why should we date?” “Because we are attracted to each other.” “I am attracted to pie, but I do not feel the need to date pie.” 

50.   “Why does everyone assume the worst of me.” “It saves time.” 

51.   “I like you. You’re different.” 

52.   “Neither one us is drunk enough for this conversation.” 

53.   “You’re questioning my methods.” “I’m not questioning it, I’m saying it’s stupid.” 

54.   “I didn’t do it!” “Then why are you laughing?” “Because whoever did it is a freaking genius.” 

55.   “You couldn’t handle me even if I came with instructions.” 

56.   “I care so little, I almost passed out.” 

57.   “Well behaved woman rarely make history.” 

58.   “You’re so weird.” “You have no idea.” 

59.   “The universe may not always play fair, but at least it’s got a hell of a sense of humor.” 

60.   “You haven’t even seen my bad side yet.” 

61.   “Obviously you have mistaken me for somebody who gives a shit.” 

62.   “Rule number one: don’t bother sucking up. I already hate you, that’s not going to change.” 

63.   “Damn, you’re strong for a little thing.” 

64.   “It’s called thinking. Go with it.” 

65.   “Where have you been all my life?” “Hiding from you.” 

66.   “The girl is strange no question.” 

67.   “Do us a favor… I know it’s difficult for you… but please, stay here, and try no to do anything… stupid.” 

68.   “I know most people don’t like me; I don’t care, I don’t like most people.” 

69.   “You are a very strange person.” “Well, thanks for noticing.” 

70.   “I can tell that you think what you’re saying is funny, but… no.”

71.   “I didn’t steal it. I permanently borrowed it.” 

72.   “If you pull out my earphones, I will pull out your lungs.”

73.   “I don’t dislike you, I nothing you.” 

74.   “Ah, he’s playing hard-to-get. That’s cute.” 

75.   “I feel like a freakin’ soccer mom.” 

76.   “My advice is much more subtle. Stop being an ass.” 

77.   “I’m just gonna pack up and go straight to hell now.” 

78.   “My ex? Yeah, I’d still hit that. Except this time it would be with a car or baseball bat.” 

79.   “She’s complicated like the DaVinci code, you know but harder to crack.” 

80.   “And just like everything else we do around here, it’s about to get weirder.” 

81.   “And hello to you too… little homewrecker.” 

82.   “I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.” 

83.   “This is fun.” “Seriously, we’re trying to hide a body.” 

84.   “That’s starting to get annoying”

85. “Hey,     hey, calm down. They can’t hurt you anymore.”

PROMPT LIST B

“You     can’t just sit there all day.”

“I’m     too sober for this.”

“You’re seriously like a man-child.”

“You     can’t banish me! This is my bed too!”

“The     ladies love a guy who’s good with kids.”

“She’s     hiding behind the sofa.”

“I lost     our baby.”

“They’re     so cute when they’re asleep.”

“Good     thing I didn’t ask for your opinion.”

“What’s     the matter, sweetie?”

“You’re     Satan.”

“I     don’t want to hear your excuse. You can’t just give me wet-willies.”

“I’m     bulletproof…but please, don’t shoot me.”

“Did     you just hiss at me?”

“I swear, I’m not crazy!!!”

“The     diamond in your engagement ring is fake.”

“How is my wife more badass than me?”

“Be     you. No one else can.”

“I     haven’t slept in ages.”

“I     locked the keys in the car.”

“Are     you sure that’s the decision you want to make?”

“Why can’t you appreciate my sense of     humor?”

“The     kids, they ambushed me.”

“Sorry     isn’t going to help when I kick your ass!!!”

“Stop     being so cute.”

“I feel     like I can’t breathe.”

“You     need to see a doctor.”

PROMPT LIST C

“I was   a joke, baby. I swear.”

“Dogs  don’t wear clothes!”

“I  didn’t think you could get any less romantic…”

“Safety  first. What are you? FIVE?”

“This   is girl talk, so leave.”

“Where  am I going? Crazy. Wanna come?”

“There’s  a herd of them!”

“Do you  think I’m scared of a woman?”

“I’m late.”

“Just     get home as soon as possible, okay?!”

“You     smell like a wet dog.”

“I     could punch you right now.”

“Are     you going to talk to me?”

“Welcome     back. Now fucking help me.”

“If you     can’t sleep…we could have sex?”

“I don’t want you to stop.”

“How     could I ever forget about you?”

“You’re     bleeding all over my carpet.”

“Run     for it!”

“We     need to talk.”

“Not     everyone is out to get you. Stop thinking that. It’s annoying.”

“I want     a pet.”

“Just     smile, I really need to see you smile right now.”

“I’m     not wearing a dress.”

“I’m     not wearing a tie.”

“Quit     beating me up!”

“Please     put your penis away.”

“It’s a     Texas thing.”

“Don’t     argue. Just do it.”

“I hope     I’m never stuck with you on a deserted island.”

“Does     he know about the baby?”

“Hold     still.”

“Enough with the sass!”

“Show     me what’s behind your back.”

“Oh honey, I’d never be jealous of you.”

“I’m     telling you. I’m haunted.”

“I had     a bad dream again.”

“I love you, please don’t go.”

“Stay     here tonight.”

“Please     don’t walk out of that door.”

“I     thought things were going great.”

“Don’t     you love me?”

“You     make every day worth living.”

“I’ll     keep you warm.”

“I’m     never letting you go.”

“You     meant too much to me.”

“I     won’t let you.”

“How     could you ask me that?”

“Don’t     you trust me?”

“I     won’t let anyone hurt you, you’re safe with me.”

“You     look amazing tonight.”

“Shouldn’t     you be with him/her?”

“I’ve     got you.”

“I     can’t sleep, can I stay here?”

“It’s     late.  Shouldn’t you be asleep?”

“How     are you feeling today?”

“You     look amazing tonight.”

“We’ll     figure this out.”

“This     isn’t goodbye.”

“What’s     cookin’ good lookin’?”

“Wanna     go grab a drink?”

“What     the hell were you thinking?!”

“Here,     let me help you.”

“Kiss     me.”

“I care     about you.”

“You     could have warned me!”

“That     was unexpected.”

“You     haven’t lost me.”

“Why     are you doing this?”

“Don’t     cry.”

“Please     don’t do this.”

“You     make me feel safe.”

“You’ve     shown me what love can feel like.”

“Thank     you, for everything.”

“All I     wanted was for you to be happy.”

“I     can’t do this on my own.”

“I     wasn’t lying when I said that I loved you.”

“Don’t     be afraid.”

“You’re     always on my mind.”

“You     have no idea how much I want you right now.”

“You’ve     always felt like home.”

“I     can’t imagine this world without you.”

“You     make me feel alive.”

“I     wouldn’t change a thing about you.”

“Who     cares about what they think?”

“Let’s     go.”

“I’m     not going anywhere.”

“Tell     me what’s wrong.”

“You’ve     always got me.”

“I’ve     waited for this moment for a long time.”

“Is     this okay?”

“You     look like you could use a hug.”

“Did     you need something?”

“Do you     have a ride home?”

“I am     home.”

“What     happened back there?”

“That’s     not gonna happen.”

“Why     me?”

“I’m     right where I belong.”

“Fine.”

“What     do you want me to say?”

“After     everything we’ve been through, you still don’t think that I love you?”

“You’ve     been drinking tonight, haven’t you?”

“You     need sleep.”

“Excuse     me?”

“What     are you doing?”

“What     did you expect?”

“You’re     not alone.”

“We’re     meant for each other.”

“You’re     worth it.”

“I     don’t care what anyone else thinks.”

“I’ve     always been honest with you.”

“It’s     cold, you should take my jacket.”

“Just     breathe, okay?”

“When     I’m with you, I’m happy.”

“Going     somewhere?”

“Don’t     lie to me.”

“Don’t     be scared, I’m right here.”

“You’re     so adorable.”

“I’m     better, now that you’re here.”

“I     could never forget you.”

“Forget     it.”

“That’s     in the past.”

“You     make me happy.”

“You’re     more than that.”

“I     won’t lose you too.”

“Come     cuddle.”

“Can’t     you stay a little longer?”

“It’s     not that easy.”

“I’ve     had enough.”

“I fell     in love with you, not them.”

“You’re     the only one I wanna wake up next to.”

“It     wasn’t your fault.”

“You     love me as if I deserve you.”

“This     isn’t what it looks like.”

“I     didn’t know you could dance like that!”

“I     found it in the recycling bin.”

“I know     what I want, when I want it. So get over here.”

“This     is… exactly what it looks like.”

“There’s     so much blood.”

“You     should see me in my old uniform. I’m pretty sure it still fits.”

“I know     you really want to hang it on the wall, but…”

“We bet and you lost, so you have to do     it.”

“Is     that a tattoo?”

“I     could tell it was your favorite book because of all the notes you wrote in     the margins.” 

“What     do you think?  Is purple my color?”

“That     is way too expensive.” 

“Girls     night in?”

“I     never imagined myself in a wedding dress.”

“I was     scared and I ran.”

“I’m     yours, in every way you’ll have me.”

“You might not like me, but you     definitely want me.”

“I want     to hike up your skirt and take you right here.”

“I love you. I just love her more.”

“A     package arrived for you, but there’s no return address and the box looks     really old.”

“If I     die, I’m going to haunt you.”

“I     didn’t say “sex party” as in orgy.  I said “hex party” as in     witches.”

“You     wanted me to walk in on you.”

“This     is a totally inappropriate soundtrack.”

“Let’s     get wasted and then go piss on his grave.”

“I     scalped my Hamilton tickets to pay for it.”

“Hold     my hand until it’s over?”

“If you     want to get me naked, you’ll have to convince me it’ll be worth my time.”

“I’m a     level 72 Rogue and if you tell anyone, I’ll deny it and I will kill you.”