#both of them obviously and loudly not trusting each other but sticking around anyway bc of & in spite of that.

[uhohproblems]

when i reread idw recently i had to forcibly remind myself that actually the examination into rattrap's motivations and relationship with starscream were things i made up to cope

[stinkyies]

realized i can't not be with you

rating: pg-13

word count: 3,887

summary: dan and phil are crew members on fall out boys tour

notes: i had to scrap my original fic idea bc it was kicking my ass and i didnt think i would be able to finish it and i never wrote something that long before so i wrote this instead in about a week and i would love to thank @yourfriendlyblogstalker for being my beta (for both fics) and having to deal with my shitty grammar (for both fics like this girl deserves a medal) written for @phandomficfests tour fic fest

ao3 link

Fall Out Boy, Mania Tour, US 2017

“Soundcheck on Hold Me Tight. Is the band ready?” Marianne, Fall Out Boy’s stage manager asks.

The four men on stage look at each other and give her the thumbs up. As she turns away from them, she squints up at the lighting and sound booth that is so far away from where she is standing.

“Lighting, are you ready?” She asks into her headset.

“One sec,” Phil replies into the microphone in the booth, pressing and turning some buttons and dials on the board, “one of the controls isn't working but I almost got it.”

She rolls her eyes and even though Phil can’t see her from the side of the stage, he could sense that she did it. She changes the channel of her mic and says something as she flips through the pages of her clipboard. She changes her channel back to reach the booth at the back.

“Sound, are you ready?”

“Yeah just helping Phil with the lights,” Tyler says while fiddling around with some of the wires.

“Tyler if you're on sound, why the hell are you helping with lighting. Literally, the one thing you said you couldn't do tech-wise at your job interview was lighting.”

“Chill, I'm literally just handing him the wires, I think I can manage that.”

“You better be able to manage it.”

Tyler and Marianne have this whole bit where they pretend to hate each other but they would probably take a bullet for the other. The little time they have known each other somehow created this insane friendship that Phil wishes he had. Well, he obviously has friends, but he never really found someone he was able to click with like they had. Tyler and Marianne are practically soulmates without the actual romantic love involved. Maybe Phil’s just that lonely.

Just then, a tall man with a mess of brown curls comes running up to the booth holding a box with a bunch of wires hanging out of it.

“I found a bunch of these in the back of the venue.”

“Dan, did you steal those wires?”

“No, Tyler, I simply took them without permission. Besides I can just put them back after the show is finished.”

Dan doesn't realize how close he's standing to the booth microphone because suddenly, Dan admitting he stole like $2,000 in lighting equipment is loudly echoing off of the walls. He's pretty sure most of the venue staff heard him say it.

“DAN, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST DO?” Marianne screams so loudly that she doesn’t need to talk into her mic. It’s practically as loud as Dan’s theft confession. Meanwhile, the band on stage is practically laughing their asses off. They are lying down on the ground clutching their stomachs because this is too goddamn awkward and it shouldn't be this funny but… it is.

“Well, the system needs an 850P wire and our only one broke so I found a box and…. Ya know…. Just snagged one?”

“Dan, Phil just said the controls aren't working. He didn't say we need a new wire.”

“Yeah but it wasn't working because it wasn't the correct wire,” Dan pushes Phil and Tyler out of the way. “I got this.” Dan rummages through the box and pulls out the correct one. It’s tangled with a bunch of other wires. “I can't get this unknotted. Phil, can you help me?” Phil nods and grabs the wire where Dan is holding it. Their hands brush together. Well barely brush together but Phil swears he felt something electric. Then again, it might have been the wire. Phil unknots it and hands it back to Dan.

“Thanks,” Dan says with a smile. A smile that makes Phil weak in the knees. A smile that you can’t not fall in love with. As Dan turns back and rearranges the wires, Phil is blushing like a teenager. Tyler looks at Phil and smiles as he rolls his eyes. Tyler beckons Phil to bend down and he whispers in his ear that “we need to talk at lunch.” Phil nods and looks back at Dan. Dan plugs in the wire, plays with some dials, and lights turn on.

“Finally!” Dan's smile is huge. Phil thinks it's adorable that Dan is getting this excited about stealing a wire and fixing the system. He’s always found Dan attractive, since the start of the tour, but since Dan switched from sound to lighting, he's all Phil can think about. Before Dan would just be backstage playing with the amp volumes. Now he's in the booth with Phil and Tyler. Phil already knows one thing about the curly haired man.

He's fucking gone for him.

They have an hour for lunch so Phil and Tyler decide to walk to a diner with a few other people. And Dan. Phil had to drag Dan along because Dan just wanted some pizza but he convinced him to come with them. Dan agreed but some of the other people in the group wanted Dan to join them and Phil let him go. He didn't really know the other people so well but he wanted Dan there in case he got the courage to talk to him. Besides him and Tyler needed to talk anyway.

About him.

The second they both sit down at their little table, Tyler starts to talk. After the waitress took their order of course.

“How long?”

“How long… what?”

“Phil, stop trying to divert the question. C'mon,” he lightly shoves Phil in the shoulder. “Spill.”

“I mean I always kinda liked him but… this is the first time I get to actually interact with him without having to actually go up to him?”

“I'm ashamed of myself. I usually catch on to these things quickly.”

“I am good at hiding myself.”

“That's why literally everyone thought you were straight until you said you wanted to fuck Thor a little too loudly that night.”

“Don't remind me. They still don’t stop tormenting me,” Phil says putting his hands in his face over-dramatically.

“On the bright side Dan was into that, I think.”

“You really think Dan is gay?”

“Not gay because Jordan walked in on Lexi the intern giving him a blowjob the day before tour started but I would definitely say bi or something.”

“Do you think he's still with Lexi?”

“Nah they don't talk much- it was totally a one night stand. You'd be fine.”

Phil is about to open his mouth and say something but he is interrupted by the waitress bringing over their drinks. She walks away and Phil just looks down at his cup of soda, still feeling disappointed. And very discouraged. He traces the rim of the cup with his finger.

“What if he only thinks of me as a one night stand?”

“Then you have to make it more than a one night stand.”

“Does Dan seem like the type of guy that would only be into one night stands?”

“Nah he's a softie. Trust me. I dated a guy who was only into to hookups and it did not end well.”

“How do you even date someone who is only into casual sex?”

“You don't.”

Phil looks across the restaurant. His eyes land on the body that is sticking up from the booth the most, because of his height. With those fucking brown curls he just wants to thread his fingers through. Dan is smiling and laughing at what someone said. Fuck. Phil would love to be the cause of that smile. Dan's eyes travel upwards and settle on Phil’s. He gives a slight wave to Phil then focuses his attention back at the people he's sitting with.

“Maybe you should go over and talk to him.”

“With all of those people around? No thanks, I think that would kind of ruin the point.”

Without saying a word, Tyler grabs his drink and gets out of the booth. He walks over to Dan and whispers something in his ear. Dan gives people at the table a wink and one looks at Phil and his friends start to make kissy faces at him. Dan rolls his eyes, grabs his drink and trades seats with Tyler.

“Tyler said something about wanting to work on lighting ideas?”

“Did he actually?”

“What answer are you looking for mate?”

“The one he wants,” Phil replied flatly while gesturing at Tyler.

Dan gives a little smirk and sits down across from him. From the outside, Phil looks calm and composed, maybe a little red, but on the inside he’s chaos. At least at the lighting booth, Tyler is there with the both of them to keep Phil from doing anything stupid. Besides, it's dark during the actual show so Phil would be able to hide his face from Dan and during the show it's loud. Very loud. If Phil says anything strange there's a good chance it will be gone in favor of a stadium full of screaming fans. Here he can't. Here he is sitting right across from him under very bright fluorescent lights. Anything little he says or does, it’s on full display for Dan. He loves this and hates it at the same time. Dan seems very relaxed. Like a friend who just wanted to talk to him about his lighting idea. Phil knows there's a part of him that knows that was just a setup to get them to talk. But he doesn't mention it. Obviously.

“Really why did he call me over? You're a bad liar, Lester.”

Fuck. He knows. Phil knows he is a horrible liar but secretly hopes that Dan is too oblivious to realize. Why does he always go after the ones with common sense?

“Just wanna get to know you, that's all.”

Dan gives him this look like he is disappointed in him. Well not really in him but more in his flirting skills. Phil has never been the best at flirting- usually, he awkwardly fumbles with his words until the person talking to him would get frustrated and walk away. He wishes he could be better at it but the best flirting technique with the best person at flirting ever- isn’t enough to get the man of his dreams to like him.

“What do you need to know?”

“Just the casual stuff. Friends hobbies, etc,” If you're single. “Like I wanna be on a first name basis.”

“This is your way of making friends? No normal conversation?” Dan’s being a cocky shit and he knows it, and he isn't trying to be mean to Phil, just trying to tease him. But it still hurt Phil’s feelings a little bit. Dan sees a flash of pain across Phil’s face.

“Hey, I didn't mean it like that. I was just joking- sorry. I guess. Fuck. Normally I'm better at this.” Better at this. Better at this? What the fuck did that mean? Did that mean the way I think it meant? Question after question start forming in Phil's brain at rapid fire. A smirk starts to creep up on his face.

“Better at what?”

“Don't play dumb Lester.” Two can play at that game.

“Better at flirting with cute boys?”

Dan's face quickly drains of its color. And not in the good way. Not in the my crush is admitting that he likes me kind of way. More in the I have just seen a ghost type of way. Dan quickly stands up, walks over to his original table, takes out his wallet and throws $10 down, and practically runs out of the restaurant.

Everyone sitting at Dan's original table is staring at Phil. Phil is staring back at them. What the fuck just happened? Tyler sees what happened and walks back to Phil and sits down.

“What the hell just happened Phil?!”

“I'm trying to figure it out myself.”

Tyler gives him a look that says you better fucking tell me because this is your one shot at getting him back and you better not waste it.

“So I was trying? To flirt with him?”

“Wow, Phil so descriptive. Really helps me, I totally know how to fix your problem.”

Phil explains to Tyler about what just happened between him and Dan. When he gets to the last part, Tyler's eyes go wide.

“YOU WHAT?!”

“Shhh Tyler we’re in a restaurant, stop screaming.”

“Phil, that's the last thing you ask when flirting, NOT THE FIRST.”

“Why didn't you tell me that?”

“You told me you have had boyfriends in the past, I thought you would know shit like this by now.”

Phil shrugs his shoulders sadly. “Guess not.” He looks down and the waitress brings over their food. They both thank her as she puts it down and walks away. Tyler starts eating his burger happily while Phil just pokes at his waffles.

“Not hungry Phil?”

“Not anymore, lost my appetite I guess.” Phil pauses before continuing. “Tyler, I just want to know why he reacted the way he did.”

“Maybe its been a while since he has dated a boy. Maybe he's never actually had a boyfriend before.” Maybe he doesn't want to be outed like that.“There's a lot of reasons.”

“But when I have gone on dates with blokes, that's never happened.”

“Do the guys know it’s a date?” “Yes, obviously.”

“Did Dan know?”

“I don't know, considering you asked him to come over.” Phil knew he was being an ass but he is mad about Tyler playing a role in driving away his crush.

“I thought you knew how to flirt not whatever the hell that was.”

“What did you whisper to Dan?”

“I told him that you wanted to talk to him about lights and I emphasized the word talk. I didn't say anything stupid, Phil.”

Phil puts his head in his hands. “I can't believe I messed this whole thing up!”

Tyler walks over to Phil’s side of the table and places a comforting hand on his back. “It’s okay Phil, there's an easy way to fix this.”

“What?”

“Actually talking about it.”

“Tyler that's what got us into this whole mess. I doubt that’s how it's gonna get us out.”

“I mean talk to him, not flirt, dipshit.”

“I just want to win him back.”

“Phil, you never had him to begin with.”

Phil shot him a dirty glare. “Ok fine, you can win him back.” Tyler put air quotes around on ‘back’. Phil gave him a smile.

“What do I say to him?”

“Just have an actual conversation: apologize about the comment, explain that you wanna go out him,” Tyler leaned close to him, “ask him out, be cute, if he says no, be sweet.” Tyler leaned out and into his previous position, “and just like be a normal human being. Think you can manage that?”

“Not really.”

“Then you're set!”

Back at the arena, Phil finds Dan toying around on the switchboard, turning the stage area pink, to green, to red, to blue, to any color available. Phil taps him on the shoulder and Dan turns around. His facial expression was neutral until he saw that Phil was standing behind him. His line of a mouth turned into something of a frown, eyes squinting.

“What do you want Phil?”

“I just want to talk.”

“Are you gonna screw that up again?” Phil brushes Dan’s slightly harsh comment off, but it still hit him a tiny bit.

“I want to apologize about earlier.” Dan scans Phil’s body, up and down, and without saying a word, drags Phil by the arm out of the booth, through the venue, and into a little janitors closet near one of the stage entrances. He slams the door behind him and turns on the one light that hangs down from the ceiling. Even though Dan is pretty pissed off, the soft yellow light frames his face and hair perfectly.

“Talk.”

“Alright um.. So I.. so..” Phil was slightly nervous before but he was able to cover it up. But now he can't even get out a word without freezing up. Phil is shaking and Dan could probably tell. Not really because of the light, but because they are standing so close together. Phil’s not even sure if his nerves are because of the confrontation or him and Dan standing so close. Phil looks into Dan’s beautiful brown eyes and Dan’s expression goes soft. Dan is obviously still mad but he has a heart. He can tell Phil is freaking out.

“Phil it's okay, just tell me what you were going to say.” Dan's voice is soft and soothing. Like a warm fuzzy blanket on a cold day. It calms Phil but the fact that his crush is relaxing him doesn't go unchecked.

“I, so, I’m really sorry about earlier. I honestly wasn't thinking clearly and I didn’t realize you didn't like me like that, or like boys like that for that matter anyway, and I realize I was probably picking up on the wrong signals and fuck and I-”

“Phil I'm not mad at that.”

“What do you mean?” What even did he mean? Was he not being mad at Phil for thinking he likes boys? For picking up something totally different? Is he mad at himself? Was he just overreacting?

“I’m- okay I don't really know how to say this- I like you too.” This confuses Phil even more.

“Why is this a problem?” Phil’s nerves are almost completely gone. But Dan is growing more and more anxious by the second. It's almost as if Phil’s anxiety is being sucked out of him and moved into Dan.

“I-I'm not really ready to be out yet, fuck.”

“Are you not out to anyone?” What he meant to ask was ‘are you really not out to anyone’ but he didn't add the really in it because he doesn't know what his home life is like and doesn't want to come off as a jackass.

“My family and close friends know- and they're super supportive and shit- but I think it's because I don't really feel that it has to be everyone's business- like, okay, like after this tour ends I’m probably never going to see any of these people again. Why should these random people get to know something extremely personal?”

“Yeah, I get where you're coming from. But if you don't want everyone ‘knowing’, you could just live out of the closet not come out of it.”

“That's true but that's a whole big process and what if the people I’m surrounded with don't accept me, then I have to spend like 3 months stuck with them on a tiny tour bus with them hating my guts just because I make comments about guys and I tend to shag them once in a blue moon.”

“Touche.” Dan gives a little chuckle and his face falls flat again. Phil cups the side of Dan’s cheek and runs his thumb over his cheek.

“I really wasn't thinking about the ‘cute boys’ comment. I didn't realize who was around us and how loud I said it and what your situation might be. If it makes you feel better I accidentally screamed I want to sleep with Thor in front of everyone and they keep teasing me about it. On the bright side, they aren't like homophobes about it.”

“That's good. I did find it very funny when you said that.”

“Not you too!” Dan started to laugh and he is getting calmer, his nerves are finally chilling out.

“I want to start this whole thing over. Is that okay? Dan?”

“Yes. I would love that.” They give each other small, but sweet smiles. Phil keeps his hand on Dan’s cheek and Dan’s arms wrap around Phil’s waist. Their foreheads touch. They stay like that for a little bit. Silent, not moving, enjoying each other's presence. Phil is about to move his head up to press his lips against Dan’s when Phil’s phone loudly interrupts him.

“Seriously? At this bloody moment!?” Phil says while Dan laughs at Phil’s over- dramaticness.

“Phil, what does it say?”

“We have to get back to rehearsal.” They walk back to the stage mostly in silence. Phil is brushing his arm against Dan’s, on purpose, just to feel him next to him. It feels like sparks and softness. Phil never wants it to end. He just wants to take Dan’s arm and hold it close to his chest, both of his arms keeping Dan’s close. But he doesn't. Because Dan isn't ready. Even though it practically pains Phil not to touch him it probably pains Dan even more for Phil to be touching him like that in public. And Phil is completely fine with that.

“Dan, Phil! Where the hell are you guys? We were supposed to start rehearsal 15 minutes ago! We were looking everywhere for you!”

“Marianne, me and Phil were just out talking. We’re sorry to have kept you waiting for so long.” Dan’s voice is reassuring, unlike the shaky wreck it was just a few minutes ago.

“You boys better have been talking across the city because I don't want to hear any damn excuses! Get back in the booth and get ready.” They both run into the booth and share a secret smile while fitting on their headsets. Tyler notices, smiles and nudges Phil on the shoulder.

“What happened?”

Phil smiles in Dan’s direction. “Nothing. Nothing happened.”

The music is loud and pumping. It's so dark in the venue but the stage is so bright that it’s practically blinding. The energy in the air is electrifying. The fans are just as loud as the band.

“So hold me tight. Hold me tight or don't.” Patrick almost screams into the mic. The fans shout back.

“I got too high again. Realized I can't not be with you. Or be just your friend. I love you to death But I just can't, I just can't pretend. We were lovers first confidants but never friends. Were we ever friends?”

Phil looks over at Dan, who is bouncing along with the crowd. He smiles as he plays with the switchboard.

“But when your stitch comes loose, I wanna sleep on every piece of fuzz and stuffing that comes out of you, you.” Patrick sings as Dan looks back at Phil, who has been looking at Dan the whole time. Dan moves closer to Phil, tilts up his chin and kisses him. It's so dark that no one would really see, besides who the hell is looking at the lighting crew anyway? Everyone's attention is on the band playing in front of them. The song itself isn't that romantic, but to them, it feels like a love song. Tyler saw them kiss and starts laughing at them. Dan rolls his eyes at Tyler but Tyler gives Phil a high five.

“You finally did it!” Tyler mouths to Phil. Phil can't help but be proud of himself. His crush likes him back. AND he got him to kiss him. What isn't there to be proud of?

The kiss is a simple gesture. It was small and no one noticed. Maybe that’s why it's so special. It’s a start- a small start, but a good start.

And that's all that matters.