#both of my parents have inadvertently called my decisions selfish.

[goofyjelly]

ough I wish I didn't prioritize everyone else's feelings and preferences above my own all the time. I'd be nice to Not Do That. at least one time.

[veiledpeaches]

chance encounters | part iv: what it took to understand

Summary: Between pages of meddling friends and societal expectations, all she actually wants is to find a happily ever after with Doyoung, even if it feels like that is no longer possible.

part i x part ii x part iii x part iv x part v x part vi

word count: 5.2k

GIF originally posted by @lukhei​

“Wait Mom, what do you mean you’re not coming? Aren’t you flying in on Friday?”

“He didn’t tell you? Youngho-ah, you’re scaring me.”

“What wouldn't he tell me?”

“Doyoung just called, he called to tell us that there isn’t going to be a wedding. He even apologized and said he would pay for our tickets and return the gifts. I told him there’s no need to, but he insisted. The poor boy kept thanking us for being concerned about him. He said he’s okay, but how can he be, John-ah? He was with her for 13 years.

“Oh sweetie, I can’t even imagine what his parents must be feeling right now. What’s going on? The wedding’s supposed to happen this Saturday. Was it wedding jitters? What happened between them? They were so good together, I can’t imagine what must’ve happened for them to break it off…”

It’s the fourth time his call has gone straight to voicemail, and Johnny gnashes his teeth in frustration. He quickly cancels the call via the touchscreen on his dashboard, sighing exasperatedly as he leans his elbow against the inside of the car door, his fingers in his previously nicely-gelled hair.

“He’s not answering any of my calls…”

“Johnny, calm down.”

“I can’t calm down!” His eyes are wild with worry, as he swerves into the next lane, his hand pressing firmly against the wheel, “Doyoung’s phone is never switched off. You can call him at 3am and he’ll pick up, that’s the kind of person he is. His phone is never switched off!”

Haewon falls silent, listening as Johnny takes a deep breath.

“I’m sorry for snapping. I know you must be worried too.” He sighs again, biting his bottom lip. “He’s in hiding, Haewon. It’s not him, he doesn’t go MIA. The only time he was like this was a week before graduation, he suddenly went missing because he was panicking about the future and stuff.”

“Then it’ll be fine, he’ll pick himself up like he did before.”

Despite what she says, Haewon isn’t that sure. For the longest time, Inhee has been an irreplaceable constant in Doyoung’s life, someone who grounds him and takes care of him. It’s difficult to wrap the mind around the space she would leave in Doyoung’s life amongst the burnt shrapnel of their relationship, but it’s not completely unimaginable. Her mind inadvertently teeters between two possible reasons that led him to such a decision - one absolutely selfish, the other utterly heartbreaking.

“Why do you look like that?”

Haewon stills. “What do I look like?”

Johnny regards her suspiciously as he signals a right turn. “… I thought you said you didn’t tell him about Inhee.”

An omission of the truth is still a lie, the voice in her head tells her. When Johnny had asked her that night if she had told Doyoung about Inhee’s affair, she had shaken her head, said she was tired and then locked herself in her room until she fell asleep, her eyes still warm with tears. Subsequently, Johnny didn’t ask anything else, but she couldn’t bring herself to tell him that she had confessed and just how badly it had gone.

No one else knows this, but Haewon can’t bring herself to be pathetic in front of Johnny. She refuses to cry in front of Johnny, refuses to tell him about what happened that Monday. It’s not that she doesn’t trust Johnny, in fact, she trusts him too much, but she can’t tell him in the crippling fear of seeing that look on his face - the same look that had settled on his face when it registered that she was in love with his friend, the dimming of the light in his eyes in a moment of poorly-concealed sympathy. Johnny, who  vowed to be her ‘rock, [her] absolute rock’, who has really lived up to his promise and been her rock for three and a half years - he’s not someone she wants to ever let down.

Moreover, while it is entirely possible that she could just be projecting and overthinking, what Doyoung had said the day she had tendered her resignation still clung like barnacles to her thoughts, making her mind whirl with unending possibilities.

“I didn’t, I’m just thinking about what might have happened.” She says against the mouth of her water bottle, gulping down to prevent other words from spilling out.

Johnny habitually chews on his lip in thought. “Maybe he realized he was in love with you- oh my God Haewon, are you okay?!”

Haewon laughs uneasily as she tries to hold back violent coughs and wipes her mouth.

“Wait, so… He did?!” Johnny raises both eyebrows.

“Of course not! What are you saying?!”

“Fine! Then don’t choke in my car!”

Johnny finally hears from Doyoung on Friday morning, the day before he’s supposed to get married. Needless to say, the conversation between them is somewhat chaotic, with Doyoung jokingly asking questions like, “aren’t you supposed to be in London at this time?” and Johnny stuttering an excuse before yelling, “ya! Don’t change the subject when we’re talking about you!” A smile finds itself on Haewon’s face as she listens quietly to their on-speaker conversation in the car, Johnny’s hands on the steering wheel as he drives both of them to work.

Doyoung had found his fiancée and her lover in the shower together when he had returned home at an unexpected time the previous Friday, an undeniably and surprisingly drama-like scenario. In a moment inspired by the swashbuckling protagonists Doyoung had read about growing up, he chose to face the incident with dignity and hero-like placidity, looking at Inhee dead in the eye and factually stating, “it’s over between us”.

As worrying as it is, it’s good to know that Doyoung’s safe. Upon breaking off the engagement and making all the necessary arrangements, Doyoung had returned to Guri for a week to spend time with his parents and attend to his personal and wedding cancelation matters, closing a chapter of his life as Haewon opens another of hers.

“When did he say he’ll be back?” Haewon asks now, watching Johnny loosen his tie as he crosses his legs and relaxes in the chair after dinner.

“He said tomorrow, but he isn’t sure.”

She nods pensively, sucking on the Melona ice pop in her hand.

A glint of mischief enters Johnny’s eyes, and he leans forward in his seat, resting his elbows on his thighs.

“Haewonnie, once he returns… It’s your chance.”

Upon safely locating Doyoung, Johnny had lapsed into his ‘y’all should get together’ rhetoric, encouraging Haewon to ‘seize the opportunity’, since it seems that life has presented her with a second chance. Haewon doesn’t have the heart to tell Johnny how she had actually taken her shot, the attempt collapsing lifelessly around her a couple of weeks ago and making her vow never to try again.

Instead, she brings her feet up against the couch, wrapping her arms around her knees and questions, “why do you want us to get together anyway?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve been rooting for this for the longest time, and you’re his friend.”

Johnny rolls his eyes, “please, I’m definitely being the good friend. Sure, maybe I hated Inhee and didn’t think she was deserving of Doyoung by any measure, but you know what would be even more deplorable?”

Haewon hums dismissively, twirling the red wine in her glass.

“Not bringing soulmates together.”

“You can’t be serious.”

He shrugs. “Besides, you guys have, like the worst taste in partners. The only way to ensure that you don’t continue fucking up in your love lives is to get together.”

“I do not!”

Johnny sits up in attention, crossing his legs on the ottoman. “Let’s not even talk about the guy who literally made you run away from him to Korea- What about the guy who made you do his laundry? And landline sex guy? Huh? Not to mention - mansplaining broker guy who cried when you guys had sex…”

“You heard that?!”

Johnny isn’t done. “The guy who cheated on you AND stole your money???”

“Okay fine, but in my defense… I mean, I didn’t really love any of them.”

“Of course not,” he smirks, finishing the rest of his Sangria, “they were just temporary replacements for Doyoung.”

She sighs exasperatedly. “That’s so not true-”

“A-ny-way,” Johnny’s attempt to silence her dissent by speaking even louder toes the line between irritating and downright hilarious, “against that backdrop, forgive me for being surprised that Doyoung caught your eye. You guys are so similar, I want it to happen, for my friends.” He leans back in a ‘mic drop’ moment, crossing his arms in front of him in gratuitous smug. “Plus, I can vouch that he’s an amazing lover…”

“What?!”

“I once heard him having sex with Inhee.” His face morphs into mock disgust. “I mean, I didn’t enjoy it, but… Her moans were, what’s the word for it – banshee-esque.”

“Please don’t go on.”

“Look, all I'm saying is-” he sits up as if he was addressing a serious issue, “you guys are meant to be, okay? Believe me, I know these things. You’re soulmates.”

“Who are soulmates?”

A familiar tenor voice rings from behind them, making both Johnny and Haewon whip their heads towards the open door, a heart-wrenching sight greeting them. At the threshold stands a casually-dressed Doyoung, blue hoodie and black track pants embracing his seemingly thinner frame. His usually gelled dark hair falls softly across his forehead in a rare sight, but it’s the small smile worn on his face that arrests her heart, especially the way it doesn't reach his eyes like it used to.

“Why do you look like that?” He addresses Johnny, “you gave me your spare keys, remember?”

Without a word, Johnny launches himself into Doyoung’s arms, a gesture that looks far more endearing than comedic despite the quiet ‘oof’ that emits from Doyoung’s lips.

“Hey,” he chuckles against Johnny’s shoulder, even though his eyes are on Haewon, “I’m fine, don’t worry. Who are soulmates?”

Haewon smiles softly, letting out a shaky breath as she finds herself incapable of speech.

“I mean, I don’t know who specifically, but you know who and who aren’t soulmates?” Johnny releases Doyoung, laughing uneasily. “Me and Miss Booblicious.”

Haewon’s jaw drops, reluctantly shifting her gaze to meet Johnny’s taunting gaze, Doyoung’s following hers.

“What?” Johnny giggles like he meant to surprise her, “I heard you calling her that to Mama Kang the other night. And yes, we broke up a couple of days ago.”

“You didn’t tell me!”

Doyoung frowns. “You were dating someone?”

“See?” Johnny glares comically, “this is why I didn’t want to tell either of you. You had too much on your plate. Besides, it’s fine, it wasn’t that serious…”

Not that serious my foot, Haewon thinks. You were about to get down on one knee.

Doyoung’s frown deepens as he turns towards Johnny, “okay, well tell me about it another time, I… uhm.”

“I actually came to speak to Haewon.”

She grabs a few bottles of soju Johnny recently purchased from the refrigerator, attempting futilely not to eavesdrop on their conversation in the sitting room. Unwittingly and somewhat annoyingly, her mind toys with the idea that she must mean something to Doyoung, since he’s here and seems to be reaching out to her. But she tries to shut that down, rummaging through the snack cabinet and stashing two bags of potato chips into her haversack before zipping her bag up and running out.

“Okay, I’m ready for ya-” she stops when she catches two surprised faces staring back at her.

She had changed out of her work wear into casual clothes after Doyoung had told her he wanted to talk to her privately and gestured with his car keys. Now, seeing their faces, she wonders if she should have just stayed in her baby blue button-down and pencil skirt.

Doyoung’s face breaks into a charming smile, “okay, let’s go”.

Haewon smiles back widely, following him out of the door after waving goodbye to a wide-eyed Johnny.

“This is arguably crossing the line of professionalism, but… I brought soju?” Haewon grins up at him, breaking the companionable silence they had shared all the way from the apartment to his car.

Doyoung laughs, but his smile still doesn’t reach his eyes. “No, it’s great, actually…” he pauses, revving up the engine and waiting for her to buckle her seatbelt before reversing out of the parking lot, “I think I’ll need it.”

She plays with the baseball keychain on her backpack zipper, unsure of what to say as she watches Doyoung’s fingers grip the steering wheel. She wants to ask him how he’s been, ask him how he feels, tell him how much she’s missed him the entire week, that she didn’t know how she was going to cope in America because not seeing him was somehow far more difficult than convincing herself to let go of him and move on.

She wants to tell him how many times she had passed by his office this week and wanted to walk in, hoping he’d somehow be there. The words press against the inside of her cheeks and threaten to spill from her lips, but she swallows them, knowing that there is a time and place for everything, and her time and place is entirely Doyoung’s tonight.

Instead, she presses her temple against the cool of the windowpane, smoothing the night out of her hair and waits for Doyoung to speak again.

“You know, Johnny has gone through more partners than the both of us combined,” he jokes now.

Haewon almost remarks back that Doyoung has really only been with one person since she’s known him but stops herself, knowing it’s too soon for something like that. She tries, instead, to find safe ground in this conversation.

“Well, he’s a romantic.” She says, sighing in relief internally when Doyoung laughs. “He won’t stop looking for his soulmate.”

“Remember Watanabe Aoi? I was honestly surprised when they broke up.” He quips, referring to the small bubbly Japanese model Johnny had dated for slightly more than a year, who had tearfully dumped him because of the long distance. Johnny had sworn himself off dating and relationships forever while binging himself on a tub of Ben & Jerry’s that night, but had then excitedly gone on a date with a girl from Haewon’s gym two weeks later.

Haewon smiles, remembering how Johnny had insisted, just a few days ago, that the topic of Aoi-san is still sensitive material.

“I was honestly glad. She didn’t love Johnny enough. He was willing to move to another country for her, but you and I both know she wouldn’t have done the same for him.” She sticks her bottom lip out, reminiscing how defensive Johnny had reacted when she had pointed that out thoughtlessly. “There were times he would wait for her to call the entire night, sleeping beside his phone, and then receive a nonchalant text from her the next morning about how she’d fallen asleep once she got home from work.”

Doyoung stifles a laugh at her unyielding tone. “Yeah but… I mean, relationships are hard.”

“Sure,” she nods, “but you should know your worth.”

This draws a curious glance from Doyoung, before he returns his eyes on the road quickly. “What do you mean?”

“Well, I mean… hmm. It’s like… Remember in college, finals season, everyone’s rushing to the library to study…” Doyoung makes an appreciative hum, “Well, imagine that, and your friend’s like, ‘oh I’m headed there too, save a seat for me’ so you do, but then it’s been close to an hour - and then two - and they haven’t turned up. Your bag is on the seat, and you’re thinking… If I continue to hog the seat, someone else can’t have it, but if I give it up, what if that friend does show up?”

“… You know what I think? I think… I think everyone should have a threshold, and when the waiting time exceeds that threshold, if someone else comes along… We shouldn’t be afraid to give up that seat.”

She twirls the tiny baseball with her fingers, pausing for a moment to let the words settle between them.

“Free ourselves up for something better, you know?” She says, finally looking up at him.

Doyoung hums thoughtfully, and they fall into a necessary silence.

They’re in dangerous waters, Haewon realizes. And as she watches Doyoung’s fingers dance across the dashboard to lower the AC, she briefly flirts with the idea that the stakes of action and inaction are, unlike what she had thought, barely equal. While Johnny had contended that telling Doyoung the truth would have put an end to their deceptive relationship, she remains convinced that if she had told Doyoung about Inhee’s affair earlier, chances are he wouldn’t have believed her, opting instead to trust someone he loved and had known for a longer time. Similarly, if she had not confessed that day, perhaps she wouldn’t be finding herself in the passenger seat of her ex-superior’s car, the atmosphere beholding a tension no one can cut through. But if she had not confessed that day, she also wouldn’t ever have had the courage to do so, and wouldn’t have known that in some manner, deep down, she meant something to him, no matter how little.

At the same time, however, Haewon gleans that she isn’t that much closer to an answer as she thought she would be. Instead, in the aftermath of her confession and the end of his relationship, she finds herself, pertaining to the situation of it all, simultaneously within and without.

It’s almost a cliché when Haewon finds herself on the grass facing the Han river, inhaling the salty river air deeply before unpacking the food and drinks from her backpack.

Doyoung lets out a tinkling laugh, watching her balance the soju bottles on her haversack lying on the grass.

“You’re so prepared, I even thought you brought a picnic mat.”

She sticks her tongue out, patting the clean but lightly damp grass next to her invitingly. So he smiles and crouches down to take a seat as she uncaps a bottle of peach soju for herself. Then, as if suddenly remembering, she fishes a pack of cigarettes from the bottom of the backpack and hands it over to him wordlessly.

“I haven’t had a cigarette in years,” Doyoung chuckles, but takes it anyway.

“I know,” she grins, “I stole this from Johnny. I thought it might help, you know, whatever you need to say. Let it out, boss.”

Before them, the streetlights on the Hangang Bridge shine relentlessly. The Han River is quiet for a Friday night, save for the muted honking in the distance and a chorus of cicadas rubbing their thighs together in the background. Haewon waits for Doyoung to start, feeling the tail of spring rubbing soft against her bare legs and watching as the heavy light from the bridge drape itself across the surface of the Han river like some form of condolence.

Doyoung lights a cigarette, the smoke curling out of him like a ghost.

“That’s what you wanted to tell me, wasn’t it?”

Haewon’s eyes widen.

“The whole day…” He says, turning to her with a gentle smile, “you were trying to get ahold of me to tell me that she was seeing someone else, weren’t you?”

She purses her lips and nod, taking a gulp of the soju in her hands. This is not the conversation she had expected.

“When you told me how you felt…” he exhales, “the next few days I kept thinking, ‘that’s not what she was gonna say’. I knew you wanted to tell me something the whole day, but that wasn’t it. You didn’t mean to say it, you weren’t prepared…”

“Thank you for overanalyzing my inability to form coherent sentences.”

Doyoung laughs breathily, shaking his head. “That’s not what I meant.”

“The day after the… shower incident, Inhee kept asking me ‘did Haewon tell you?’, as if it mattered. Besides, it wasn’t difficult to guess that you knew as well, your reactions towards her when I mentioned her name in the last few weeks have been very telling.”

Haewon relaxes, then her eyes widen again when his words sink in.

“Yes, Haewon, I knew about the affair.”

Haewon’s jaw goes slack, but she’s unable to speak, watching as he smiles wistfully.

“About four months ago?” He says, as if knowing what she's about to ask. “There was this morning, just before we left the house, her phone was on the table, and I accidentally saw a text from him.”

He attempts to uncap a bottle of grapefruit soju with the cigarette still in his hands, until he gives up and hands it over to Haewon.

“There comes a point when you can’t deny that something is happening, even if you try to lie to yourself.”

Haewon bites her lip, handing the uncapped bottle back to him. So strange that that had been exactly what Haewon had thought just a few weeks ago. So strange how different the circumstances have since become.

“You know, Inhee said I didn’t love her, so I didn’t deserve to get upset about this.”

Haewon’s heart thumps against her chest. “She… She said that?”

“No, it’s true.” He smiles, downing a fair amount of soju, “I haven’t been in love with her for a while.”

Her eyes soften, watching his dark hair blow gently in the air and the light on the water reflecting on his cheeks, illuminating his face.

“Well, I can’t say, if I ever really loved her. For the better part of the relationship, she was always the one taking charge. Do you know she asked me out in high school? Everyone was incredulous – and I have to admit, I was as well. I wasn’t some captain of some sports team, I was a random short distance runner who preferred spending most of my time with the school magazine team than the track team.

“But when I hesitated, everyone said, ‘what are you doing? She just asked you out!’… to the extent that I felt I needed to choose her because she chose me. Hmm. It’s strange, isn’t it?” He muses, “that even at that age, some sort of… ranking system, based on the ‘leagues’ we were accorded - given our physical attractiveness and personal interests  - would emerge. And then future decisions - no matter how personal - could only be helmed by those ranked higher in the social hierarchy.”

He balances the soju bottle between his knees, taking a puff of his cigarette.

“I’m not going to chalk it all up to peer pressure – I can’t say I wasn’t drawn to her because of exactly those reasons. And as our relationship progressed, I saw that we were not always compatible. But I thought I was just picky, that I had doomed the relationship from the start with my skepticism and so could only see the parts of us that didn’t match. And when difficult things happened in the family – she was always there. When I needed someone – she was always there.

“I got too comfortable in the relationship. She was so good to me, and my whole family loved her, everyone loved her. She didn’t always support every decision I made, but she wouldn’t say a second thing once I made up my mind. We were so different, and she didn’t always see things the way I did, but I thought I didn’t need her to, you know? That these were things I could share with other people instead. ‘Your partner doesn’t have to be your best friend’, people told me that. So when my mother asked me when we were getting married, I… Well, I thought it was the right thing to do. So I proposed. And everyone was so happy. I mean, I guess I felt happy, that everyone was happy. I thought maybe the happiness was just belated for me.

“God, I made so many excuses to feel better, about not feeling better.” He frowns, but a laugh escapes his lips, and the laugh subsides into a hollow sort of quiet. “’You’ll be happy when you see her in her dress.’ I told myself. ‘When you see her walking down the aisle. When you’re actually married. When your first child is born.’ I was scared to admit that I wasn’t happy – and then, when I couldn’t deny it any longer, scared to do the thing I knew I had to, to be happy again.  

“I’m always saying things like, ‘fuck other people’s expectations, who cares what people think’, but I can’t deny that I caved. It was comfortable, it was easy – so even when I found out that she could be cheating on me, I didn’t want to ruin the future I had fallen so easily in step with. I didn’t know why I was still running, but I was so afraid to stop.”

He downs almost half the bottle of soju, before exhaling slowly.

“Do you think I’m a coward?” He turns towards her.

She thinks about his question for a moment, and shakes her head. “No, I think what you just said is what makes us human. And the courage to acknowledge that you’re human, is what makes you a braver one.”

And finally, Doyoung’s face breaks into a smile.

“You always know how to make me feel better.”

Haewon looks at him for a long time, his eyes sparkling but not watery, his tender sorrow hidden behind a gentle smile. This is the Doyoung she’s fallen in love with, strong and courageous, bent but not broken. The Doyoung who would know how to fix himself even if he is broken. The same Doyoung who, whether she recognizes it or not, looks at her as if she holds the ways of the universe.

“I want to thank you.” He adds.

She lets out a soft smile, brushing strands of hair away from her face.

“Thank you, for holding back, for hesitating. I know you were worried about hurting me, but I’m really okay. And actually, on some level, I’m glad you didn’t tell me. If you’d told me, I might have ignored all of it, again.

“Standing in front of the bathroom knowing I was minutes away from confronting her… That was the wake-up call I needed. I knew I could run away again, leave the apartment, pretend all of it wasn’t happening like I’d done before so many times when a hint of the affair presented itself. But this time… I couldn’t. I had to see the truth, had to see it face-to-face to wake up and realize that this wasn’t right for both of us. It wasn’t fair to her, and it wasn’t fair to me as well.

“So thank you, for not saying a thing.”

She can feel the warmth in her eyes, thinking about what he had to go through and feeling, once again, that Johnny had been right. Despite what Doyoung had said, she feels guilty knowing that he could have potentially avoided such a cruel confrontation. But even with the feeling of something lodged in her throat, Haewon knows it’s not her moment to show these secondhand emotions, especially when the haphazard debris of his relationship is still warm, still smoking. So she swallows these thoughts and any arising tears back with another big gulp of soju altogether.

“You deserve the best, Doyoung.” She says after a moment.

He turns to look at her gently, studying her features, “what’s wrong?”

She sighs, calming herself down.

“I just… I didn’t know if I was in the correct position-”

“Well you didn’t have to say anything, but you are. You’ve…” He purses his lips, “you’ve always been. In the right position, in the right place. You’re…”

He opens his mouth, and then shuts it, exhaling. Then his lips part again.

“You’re very important to me.”

Haewon looks at him, feeling the breath knocked out of her lungs.

And there it is, another confusing statement of Doyoung’s bordering this time, on frustrating. While she cannot bring herself to call him out on it, she finds herself no longer able to accept these somewhat lackadaisical words from him anymore, not when he is so entirely aware of the feelings she still has for him. So she drops him a teary chuckle, finishes the rest of her soju and mutters a “well, I feel the same way” instead of what she wants to say, these kinder words delivered like an afterthought to find themselves, somewhere, in the spaces between them.

She can feel Johnny’s curious peering as she finishes the rest of her breakfast, her mind still running amok with Doyoung’s words last night. She wonders why he always does this, drops these tiny bombs that mess with her for the next couple of days before she finally wills them away and classifies them as unintentional. She hears Johnny call her name faintly, but can only bring herself to tear her thoughts away from Doyoung at his third call.

“I saw you get in late last night,” Johnny says, “is everything ok?”

“Yeah, he just wanted to talk.” She stands and takes both empty bowls, as well as the empty stew pot, into the kitchen, running the tap to soak the dishes in the sink.

“He knows,” she says, hearing Johnny step into the kitchen behind her as she turns the tap off, “that, I knew.”

“Oh yeah, he told me.”

She nods, turning to face him, her hands still clasped on the countertop.

“So are you… like, getting together?”

Haewon shakes her head. “No, no of course not. I don’t think… I don’t think it’ll ever happen. About what you said yesterday… I think you’re wrong this time.” His expression morphs into bewilderment. “I put everything on the line, John, but he doesn’t want me.”

Johnny studies her carefully. “You confessed to him?”

She bites her lip and nods.

“The day you told me to tell him… I couldn’t… I ended up…” she sighs in exasperation.

“You didn’t tell me about this.”

“Sorry, I was… I didn’t want you to think less of me.”

“Never.” He says, his eyes soft and unreadable. “Come here,” he gestures with his open arms, wrapping them securely around her when she settles into his embrace. Being around Johnny has always been comforting, Haewon thinks to herself, smiling when she feels a kiss on her temple. She hugs him tightly, inhaling the scent of his laundry detergent instead of his usual cologne.

“I love you, you know that, right?” He says, releasing her from his embrace but his arms still wound around her waist.

She smiles, nodding.

“I know.”

Johnny’s gaze is soft and slightly dejected, and a part of Haewon wants to ask him what’s wrong, not understanding why there is a quiet, slightly fearful resolution in his eyes -

- until he pulls her even more closely towards him and slants his lips over hers.

xx

w/n: in case anyone was wondering, Watanabe Aoi was my Aikido sensei when I was young lmao. She was hot. I honestly just wanted a random name and was tired of searching for Korean names.

also, just to let you know ‘cause some people have been asking, tumblr works based on the number of reblogs! if you’re wondering why you can’t find chance encounters in the tags, it’s likely because people prefer ‘liking’ the post to ‘reblogging’ the post. this discrepancy can make a huge difference to my work, so if you really did enjoy the chapter, i encourage you to reblog it! :-) thank you for reading this! 

COME SCREAM AT ME HERE!!!  ask

[jess-the-vampire]

So! Been seeing you post a lot, so I figured I'd offer a lengthy neutral take (I don't ship, as a rule). From my perspective, the core problem with Tom and Star’s relationship is that, to put it extremely bluntly, Star likes Marco more. That's not to say she doesn't like, or even love, Tom! But it means that so long as they’re together, there will be a part of her that’s unhappy things worked out this way. (1/6)

As to why Star prefers Marco to Tom, I think it’s pretty straightforward: Tom is one of many, MANY people who put pressure on her, and Marco is one of the very, very few that doesn’t. I think the most recent episodes demonstrate this pretty well—Take Tom’s plan for a trip. (2/6)

It was well meaning! It was sweet! But for Star, whose life has been an increasingly stressful and dramatic trainwreck ever since Ludo stole the spellbook, it’s another lump of pressure that Tom has inadvertently dumped on her—especially since he leaves the planning to her (Another well-meaning gesture), at a time when she’s incredibly burned out from making decisions and plans for everyone else (Up to and including a royal coronation with thousands of guests). (3/6)

Contrast this to Marco—the second Star arrives at the door, she’s welcomed with open arms, and is allowed to spend the entire next episode as a limp lump of flesh. And that’s really how Star and Marco have functioned throughout most of the series—On Mewni, Star is beset by responsibilities and expectations from her parents, Eclipsa, the people, the monsters, the Magical High Commission, etc. (And as well-meaning as Tom is, he’s a part of that largely due to his own insecurities). (4/6)

But with Marco, Star has someone who doesn’t judge her, doesn’t ask anything of her, and will always have her back in a fight, without exception (And the one time he is a burden, by returning unannounced in Lint Catcher, he recognizes what he’s done, apologizes, and offers to go back to Earth before Star decides to make him her squire). He’s a rock in the storm, as opposed to Tom who occasionally is the storm. And for someone in Star’s position, it’s easy to see why that’s so desirable. (5/6)

I genuinely like Tom, and I think he’s made an incredible number of strides since his first appearance. And I think that no matter how the series ends up, he and Star will remain friends. But there’s a reason why their relationship is troubled, and it’s not all on Star. But, that’s just my take. (6/6)

Well, i have to disagree with about everything you said i’m afraid.

Tom putting pressure on her is the complete OPPOSITE of who his character has become as of recently, because putting pressure on her, and making her do things was something he abandoned all the way back in s2.

That was what Mr Candle Cares was about, Tom respecting Star’s choices and for him to stop trying to make them for her.

Marco had this conversation with him directly, to let Star make her own choices, and he needs to consider what SHE wants, and from that point on tom ends up always letting star make her choices.

In Club Snubbed, he literally outright is not trying to pressure her at all, his intent was to never come off as though he was coming onto star, and he wanted her to make all approaches towards him.

Tom even mentions in THIS episode, he does not want to ever pressure star into doing anything she doesn’t want to do.

Something people seem to completely forget about their dynamic is tom lets star do what she wants, at the end of the day, star is the character who ends up winning their side of the argument. 

Whether it’s Monster Bash, Is Another Mystery, even technically Blood Moon Ball counts. Because Tom’s efforts for that ball were all to please Star and do what would make Star happy.

While in those situations Tom was being selfish to a degree, at the end of the day, Star ended not being pressured into anything, she got her way and Tom usually had to apologize for it.

Tom never really gets to do things, he wants to do, because Star and her stuff always ends up coming first for him, whether he wants it to or not.

Like, is tom letting star pick what she wants out of a fun trip something really to shun him for? Tom didn’t sit there and force star to pick anything, he gave her a book and suggested she find some places she wanted to go because she wanted to go on the trip with him.

That’s not pressuring her, pressuring her would well...be him almost demanding her to do so, but he doesn’t. He’s upset she didn’t choose anything but he doesn’t make her do it, he suggest to help her out and be supportive since she said she was having a hard time.

Like, why is tom now a bad boyfriend, for letting star have a say in a trip they agreed to go on together?

Tom’s not really doing anything wrong here, the entire conflict is due to star’s own internal issues and an identity crisis. Not to Tom wanting her to help plan their trip.

Star doesn’t pick anything because she doesn’t know what to do with her life and she doesn’t even know what to do now that she’s free. Something she mentioned herself.

I mean, this is the only example you give me of tom pressuring her, and it’s just him letting her pick places for them to go? That’s....not a problem, Tom’s doing what he tends to do, let Star have a say in everything.

And blaming Tom for being part of a society that’s not his own fault? Tom was born into royalty, you shouldn’t say Tom’s now suddenly a really bad boyfriend, because of something that can’t be helped about his character.

Heck, marco is a PRINCESS, and you left that out of this conversation, marco has his own ties to mewni and ignoring those as being issues because the person associated with them isn't tom isn't cool. Marco is also a part of that, and that can’t be ignored.

Tom and Star have their own chill moments, they were friends before they even dated, you’ll find them hanging out in star’s room, playing board games with tom’s family, surfing, ect.

Tom admires Star, he wishes he could be, someone like Star. Star is the person who inspired him to be a better person, to care about conflicts he was never involved in, to grow and change and become a better boyfriend to her then the first time around. And when duty calls, he’s here to help her out with whatever she needs of him, no questions asked. When Star went to face meteora alone, Tom went after her, because he wanted to help, because he has her back and won’t let her go through this all alone.

When Tom screws up, he apologies, he doesn’t fight it, he accepts when he messed up and he doesn’t try and worm his way out of it. Tom matches Star’s chaos half the time, them both being wild ones, but tom also manages to be more mature then Star.

They both can be reckless, but Tom helps give her hope when she thinks she’s lost it all, he is always there to be supportive, and when she screws up he doesn’t flip out on her, he acts reasonably.

Tom didn’t need a blood moon in the sky to repair his relationship with Star, he worked his but off and earned her trust and friendship again, and Star returned his feelings.

Tom puts so much effort into his relationships, Marco is terrible at romantic relationships, time and time again he is shown he just can’t handle them the same way he handles his friendships.While Tom works to do better, Marco just...doesn’t try, he seems more comfortable without dating the person because he seems to have a serious issue with commitment. 

While Marco and Star have remained the same these days, Tom and Star boost each other up to do better, even when things are rough they grow and they learn to do better together.

Marco and Star stay where they’ve always been, but tom and star always keep growing and so does their characters because of their relationship specifically.

Tom is not lesser, and it is not ok nor fair to treat him as a lesser being then Marco in star’s life. 

Marco is her best friend.

But that makes Tom no less important to her growth and who she is.

You can say Star is somehow unhappy to be with Tom, but if that was the case she would’ve left him long ago.

Even under blood moon influence, she and tom still stuck together, a magical moon curse couldn’t even break them apart.

That should mean something.

Saying Tom is lesser to Star makes Star seem cruel and it overlooks the entirety of their set up relationship.

[stephenmccull]

Pandemic Upends The Lives Of People With Disabilities — And Of Their Caregivers

When the COVID-19 pandemic hit, Stacy Ellingen, 34, of Oshkosh, Wisconsin, lost two of the three caregivers she depends on to dress, shower, eat and use the bathroom. The caregivers — both University of Wisconsin-Oshkosh students — returned to their parents’ homes when the university canceled in-person classes.

Ellingen, who lives with complications from cerebral palsy, had little choice but to do the same — moving back to her parents’ home in Fond du Lac.

Jason Endres and his wife, Julie, of Eau Claire, Wisconsin, both use power wheelchairs at home. Given the shortage of masks and other personal protective equipment ― and Jason’s lungs being weakened by spina bifida ― they have asked caregivers not to enter their home during the pandemic.(Courtesy of Jason Endres)

Matt Ford, whose arms and legs are paralyzed, already lived with his 76-year-old father, his primary caregiver, in a specially designed house in Verona. One of Ford’s other caregivers moved into his basement for a while, since it was easier for her to quarantine there rather than come and go and risk infection and transmission of the virus to Ford.

Jason Endres asked his care workers to stay away from the home he shares with his wife Julie in Eau Claire. With masks hard to come by, Endres feared the caregivers could inadvertently spread the virus, possibly ravaging his lungs, which have been weakened by spina bifida.

The novel coronavirus, which has infected nearly 13,000 Wisconsinites, has exposed vulnerabilities in the state’s health care programs, including those designed to serve older residents and those with disabilities.

Before the pandemic, Gov. Tony Evers in 2019 created a state task force to address a chronic shortage of caregivers. A report released in February described a “crisis” in the direct care workforce, with 20,655 vacant positions in Wisconsin’s long-term care facilities and residential settings, and an average workforce vacancy rate of nearly 26%.

For residents with disabilities who need caregivers in order to live and work independently, the pandemic is adding hurdles. These visiting aides take on demanding duties and are typically paid about $12 an hour in Wisconsin.

Clients with disabilities and their caregivers must weigh how to keep each other safe during close interactions, especially as protective equipment remains scarce. Some caregivers have stuck around; others have quit. And many clients who lose their caregivers also lose independence.

Every respondent to an April survey of nearly 500 Wisconsinites with disabilities and older adults said the pandemic had disrupted their caregiving service. Wisconsin Watch conducted a dozen interviews with people with disabilities, their family members and caregivers across Wisconsin, revealing how the crisis has transformed each life in unique ways.

Help Is Hard To Find

Before the pandemic, Stacy Ellingen ― who lives with complications from cerebral palsy ― worked from home in Oshkosh, Wisconsin, where she has a suite of technology to support independent living. During the COVID-19 closures, Ellingen lost her scheduled caregivers and was forced to move in with her parents in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin.(Courtesy of Stacy Ellingen)

Stacy Ellingen has navigated life from a power wheelchair since she was a child. Cerebral palsy has also affected her fine motor skills: She uses an enlarged keyboard and eye-gaze system to operate her design firm, Design Wheels, from her apartment in Oshkosh, where she lived independently before the pandemic. That computer setup is a key component of the independent life Ellingen has fought for. Now that she’s living with her parents, she doesn’t have access to that tool — or lifestyle.

“I’m not able to do much work while I’m at my parents’,” Ellingen said. During an interview over Zoom, she used an app on her phone to speak aloud. Ellingen requested interview questions in advance so she would have adequate time to enter her responses in the app.

Ellingen, who is featured in a video about assistive technology, said she could not survive long without caregivers to help her.

“Many times I’ve skipped meals, gone without using the restroom and slept in my wheelchair because I didn’t have a caregiver,” Ellingen said.

This is not the first time a lack of help has forced her to return to her parents’ home, but Ellingen worries the pandemic will wreak long-lasting damage to an already thin caregiving workforce.

A May survey of 504 providers of disability services conducted by the nonprofit Survival Coalition of Wisconsin Disability Organizations showed costs rising and revenues plunging across the industry. Nearly 20% of surveyed businesses were unsure whether they would survive the pandemic.

In an ideal world, Ellingen said, she would have six or seven caregivers to fill work shifts, but that hasn’t happened for years. Ellingen was down to just three care workers at the pandemic’s outset, including the two UW-Oshkosh students who have since left town.

University students typically make up at least half of Ellingen’s support staff; each rarely stays with her longer than a year.

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Ellingen said life with her parents involves major and minor annoyances. She must go to bed when they do — much earlier than she would prefer — lest she be left with no one to lift her into bed. She also has to live with her parents’ music, television and food preferences.

Still, Ellingen feels lucky; if not for her parents, she would likely live in a nursing home. The long-term care sector has experienced at least 5% of Wisconsin’s coronavirus diagnoses and more than 40% of deaths from COVID-19.

“That’s the last place anyone wants to be — especially during the pandemic,” Ellingen said.

Caregiver Makes Sacrifices

Matt Ford, 55, also recruits his caregivers mostly from a nearby college campus — the UW-Madison. He typically finds new hires near the end of the spring semester, but not this year because the pandemic sent students home early.

Paralyzed in a diving accident in 1987, Ford needs help getting in and out of bed, preparing meals, using the bathroom and driving. His father provides most of that assistance, and two or three additional workers take shifts at his home.

Ford posts his needs for paid caregivers on UW-Madison’s student job board, often using creative ways to draw attention.

“I just started putting in there: ‘Grass-fed, free-range quad needs help,'” Ford said with a chuckle. (“Quad” is short for “quadriplegic.”)

Grace Brunette noticed the listing in spring 2016, when she was a UW-Madison senior. She has worked for Ford on and off since then.

Brunette is now finishing her studies in a physician assistant program at the UW School of Medicine and Public Health. When the pandemic struck, she no longer felt comfortable splitting her time between her apartment and Ford’s house. She moved into Ford’s basement to minimize contact with outsiders, including her family. The basement was designed specifically to accommodate a live-in aide — a need that seems inevitable as Ford’s father ages.

After spending the entire first two weeks quarantining in Ford’s house, Brunette now stays over three nights a week. Why stay during the pandemic?

“He only has one other caregiver. That would be really selfish of me to just say, ‘Sayonara, I’m going to go quarantine with my family,’ when he needs the help,” Brunette said.

In May, the Wisconsin Supreme Court sided with Republican legislative leaders to strike down Democratic Gov. Tony Evers’ “Safer at Home” order. The decision made Ford bristle at the thought that Wisconsinites might begin to take the pandemic less seriously. In an amicus brief filed before the ruling, advocacy groups argued that if the order were lifted, there would be increased risks of coronavirus infection to older adults and to people with disabilities.

“It does feel a little personal that no one is recognizing the efforts that we made — as vulnerable people who need caregivers in and out of our homes — and the sacrifices that the caregivers made,” Ford said.

“I don’t want people to go out of business either,” Ford added, referencing the push to reopen the state. “I do care about them. I have some empathy toward that. But I also don’t want to die.”

Brunette is still working for Ford, but the public health crisis makes it unclear how long she will remain. She was set to start clinical rotations as part of her physician assistant training in June, which would have taken her out of town — making her unavailable to work with Ford. But when a planned trip to Belize with her classmates was canceled and her clinical rotations for school were moved online, she stayed on the job.

As of now, her next rotation is scheduled to begin in August. Someone will need to fill Brunette’s shifts during the fall. Ford said that is typically one of the hardest times to recruit student caregivers.

Mask Shortage Adds Hurdles

Like many people with disabilities in Wisconsin, both Ellingen and Ford serve as de facto employers for their caregivers, meaning they are responsible for providing personal protective gear. They each get two boxes of gloves every month, paid for by the state’s Medicaid program. But Ford said he is struggling to get gloves from his supplier because of the surging demand during the pandemic.

Masks are even tougher to find. A relative of Ellingen offered to sew some cloth face coverings for her workers. Ford finds masks at the doctor’s office, where he might sneak out one or two after routine appointments. His other source is a neighbor with a carpet-cleaning business. As businesses reopen across Wisconsin, advocates are calling for the state to prioritize caregivers as protective equipment is distributed.

Gov. Evers announced a $100 million grant program for health care providers, including caregivers, in late May. The lack of masks has not dramatically altered either Ford’s or Ellingen’s caregiving plans. It is a different story for Jason Endres and his wife, Julie in Eau Claire.

“It’s really one of the big reasons why we haven’t had anyone come into the home,” Endres said. Without a ready supply of masks, the couple feels uncomfortable inviting even familiar workers into their home, considering that many of them visit multiple clients or other work sites.

Endres, 45, has reason to be cautious. He has spina bifida-linked scoliosis. Endres had rods inserted into his back as a teenager, but his spine remained somewhat crooked — and that spinal curvature has weakened his lungs.

His wife, Julie, has cerebral palsy. Both use power wheelchairs in their ranch-style home, which was built to accommodate their needs. Their decision to keep caregivers away from the house has added challenges during the pandemic. Take the task of changing bedsheets, for example: While a worker might finish in a matter of minutes, it takes the couple more than an hour to complete that chore.

“She would do it once a week,” Jason Endres said of one of the workers who helps the couple. “We’re lucky if we do it twice a month.”

As the pandemic continues, uncertainty is eating Endres up inside: “Are we going to live in this limbo for the rest of our lives? Is that going to be changing for the better or for the worse?

“I agree that we need to get the economy going,” Endres added. “But safety’s got to be first.”

This story is part of a partnership that includes Wisconsin Watch, Wisconsin Public Radio, NPR and Kaiser Health News.

Pandemic Upends The Lives Of People With Disabilities — And Of Their Caregivers published first on https://smartdrinkingweb.weebly.com/

[gordonwilliamsweb]

Pandemic Upends The Lives Of People With Disabilities — And Of Their Caregivers

When the COVID-19 pandemic hit, Stacy Ellingen, 34, of Oshkosh, Wisconsin, lost two of the three caregivers she depends on to dress, shower, eat and use the bathroom. The caregivers — both University of Wisconsin-Oshkosh students — returned to their parents’ homes when the university canceled in-person classes.

Ellingen, who lives with complications from cerebral palsy, had little choice but to do the same — moving back to her parents’ home in Fond du Lac.

Jason Endres and his wife, Julie, of Eau Claire, Wisconsin, both use power wheelchairs at home. Given the shortage of masks and other personal protective equipment ― and Jason’s lungs being weakened by spina bifida ― they have asked caregivers not to enter their home during the pandemic.(Courtesy of Jason Endres)

Matt Ford, whose arms and legs are paralyzed, already lived with his 76-year-old father, his primary caregiver, in a specially designed house in Verona. One of Ford’s other caregivers moved into his basement for a while, since it was easier for her to quarantine there rather than come and go and risk infection and transmission of the virus to Ford.

Jason Endres asked his care workers to stay away from the home he shares with his wife Julie in Eau Claire. With masks hard to come by, Endres feared the caregivers could inadvertently spread the virus, possibly ravaging his lungs, which have been weakened by spina bifida.

The novel coronavirus, which has infected nearly 13,000 Wisconsinites, has exposed vulnerabilities in the state’s health care programs, including those designed to serve older residents and those with disabilities.

Before the pandemic, Gov. Tony Evers in 2019 created a state task force to address a chronic shortage of caregivers. A report released in February described a “crisis” in the direct care workforce, with 20,655 vacant positions in Wisconsin’s long-term care facilities and residential settings, and an average workforce vacancy rate of nearly 26%.

For residents with disabilities who need caregivers in order to live and work independently, the pandemic is adding hurdles. These visiting aides take on demanding duties and are typically paid about $12 an hour in Wisconsin.

Clients with disabilities and their caregivers must weigh how to keep each other safe during close interactions, especially as protective equipment remains scarce. Some caregivers have stuck around; others have quit. And many clients who lose their caregivers also lose independence.

Every respondent to an April survey of nearly 500 Wisconsinites with disabilities and older adults said the pandemic had disrupted their caregiving service. Wisconsin Watch conducted a dozen interviews with people with disabilities, their family members and caregivers across Wisconsin, revealing how the crisis has transformed each life in unique ways.

Help Is Hard To Find

Before the pandemic, Stacy Ellingen ― who lives with complications from cerebral palsy ― worked from home in Oshkosh, Wisconsin, where she has a suite of technology to support independent living. During the COVID-19 closures, Ellingen lost her scheduled caregivers and was forced to move in with her parents in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin.(Courtesy of Stacy Ellingen)

Stacy Ellingen has navigated life from a power wheelchair since she was a child. Cerebral palsy has also affected her fine motor skills: She uses an enlarged keyboard and eye-gaze system to operate her design firm, Design Wheels, from her apartment in Oshkosh, where she lived independently before the pandemic. That computer setup is a key component of the independent life Ellingen has fought for. Now that she’s living with her parents, she doesn’t have access to that tool — or lifestyle.

“I’m not able to do much work while I’m at my parents’,” Ellingen said. During an interview over Zoom, she used an app on her phone to speak aloud. Ellingen requested interview questions in advance so she would have adequate time to enter her responses in the app.

Ellingen, who is featured in a video about assistive technology, said she could not survive long without caregivers to help her.

“Many times I’ve skipped meals, gone without using the restroom and slept in my wheelchair because I didn’t have a caregiver,” Ellingen said.

This is not the first time a lack of help has forced her to return to her parents’ home, but Ellingen worries the pandemic will wreak long-lasting damage to an already thin caregiving workforce.

A May survey of 504 providers of disability services conducted by the nonprofit Survival Coalition of Wisconsin Disability Organizations showed costs rising and revenues plunging across the industry. Nearly 20% of surveyed businesses were unsure whether they would survive the pandemic.

In an ideal world, Ellingen said, she would have six or seven caregivers to fill work shifts, but that hasn’t happened for years. Ellingen was down to just three care workers at the pandemic’s outset, including the two UW-Oshkosh students who have since left town.

University students typically make up at least half of Ellingen’s support staff; each rarely stays with her longer than a year.

Email Sign-Up

Subscribe to KHN’s free Morning Briefing.

Sign Up

Please confirm your email address below:

Sign Up

Ellingen said life with her parents involves major and minor annoyances. She must go to bed when they do — much earlier than she would prefer — lest she be left with no one to lift her into bed. She also has to live with her parents’ music, television and food preferences.

Still, Ellingen feels lucky; if not for her parents, she would likely live in a nursing home. The long-term care sector has experienced at least 5% of Wisconsin’s coronavirus diagnoses and more than 40% of deaths from COVID-19.

“That’s the last place anyone wants to be — especially during the pandemic,” Ellingen said.

Caregiver Makes Sacrifices

Matt Ford, 55, also recruits his caregivers mostly from a nearby college campus — the UW-Madison. He typically finds new hires near the end of the spring semester, but not this year because the pandemic sent students home early.

Paralyzed in a diving accident in 1987, Ford needs help getting in and out of bed, preparing meals, using the bathroom and driving. His father provides most of that assistance, and two or three additional workers take shifts at his home.

Ford posts his needs for paid caregivers on UW-Madison’s student job board, often using creative ways to draw attention.

“I just started putting in there: ‘Grass-fed, free-range quad needs help,'” Ford said with a chuckle. (“Quad” is short for “quadriplegic.”)

Grace Brunette noticed the listing in spring 2016, when she was a UW-Madison senior. She has worked for Ford on and off since then.

Brunette is now finishing her studies in a physician assistant program at the UW School of Medicine and Public Health. When the pandemic struck, she no longer felt comfortable splitting her time between her apartment and Ford’s house. She moved into Ford’s basement to minimize contact with outsiders, including her family. The basement was designed specifically to accommodate a live-in aide — a need that seems inevitable as Ford’s father ages.

After spending the entire first two weeks quarantining in Ford’s house, Brunette now stays over three nights a week. Why stay during the pandemic?

“He only has one other caregiver. That would be really selfish of me to just say, ‘Sayonara, I’m going to go quarantine with my family,’ when he needs the help,” Brunette said.

In May, the Wisconsin Supreme Court sided with Republican legislative leaders to strike down Democratic Gov. Tony Evers’ “Safer at Home” order. The decision made Ford bristle at the thought that Wisconsinites might begin to take the pandemic less seriously. In an amicus brief filed before the ruling, advocacy groups argued that if the order were lifted, there would be increased risks of coronavirus infection to older adults and to people with disabilities.

“It does feel a little personal that no one is recognizing the efforts that we made — as vulnerable people who need caregivers in and out of our homes — and the sacrifices that the caregivers made,” Ford said.

“I don’t want people to go out of business either,” Ford added, referencing the push to reopen the state. “I do care about them. I have some empathy toward that. But I also don’t want to die.”

Brunette is still working for Ford, but the public health crisis makes it unclear how long she will remain. She was set to start clinical rotations as part of her physician assistant training in June, which would have taken her out of town — making her unavailable to work with Ford. But when a planned trip to Belize with her classmates was canceled and her clinical rotations for school were moved online, she stayed on the job.

As of now, her next rotation is scheduled to begin in August. Someone will need to fill Brunette’s shifts during the fall. Ford said that is typically one of the hardest times to recruit student caregivers.

Mask Shortage Adds Hurdles

Like many people with disabilities in Wisconsin, both Ellingen and Ford serve as de facto employers for their caregivers, meaning they are responsible for providing personal protective gear. They each get two boxes of gloves every month, paid for by the state’s Medicaid program. But Ford said he is struggling to get gloves from his supplier because of the surging demand during the pandemic.

Masks are even tougher to find. A relative of Ellingen offered to sew some cloth face coverings for her workers. Ford finds masks at the doctor’s office, where he might sneak out one or two after routine appointments. His other source is a neighbor with a carpet-cleaning business. As businesses reopen across Wisconsin, advocates are calling for the state to prioritize caregivers as protective equipment is distributed.

Gov. Evers announced a $100 million grant program for health care providers, including caregivers, in late May. The lack of masks has not dramatically altered either Ford’s or Ellingen’s caregiving plans. It is a different story for Jason Endres and his wife, Julie in Eau Claire.

“It’s really one of the big reasons why we haven’t had anyone come into the home,” Endres said. Without a ready supply of masks, the couple feels uncomfortable inviting even familiar workers into their home, considering that many of them visit multiple clients or other work sites.

Endres, 45, has reason to be cautious. He has spina bifida-linked scoliosis. Endres had rods inserted into his back as a teenager, but his spine remained somewhat crooked — and that spinal curvature has weakened his lungs.

His wife, Julie, has cerebral palsy. Both use power wheelchairs in their ranch-style home, which was built to accommodate their needs. Their decision to keep caregivers away from the house has added challenges during the pandemic. Take the task of changing bedsheets, for example: While a worker might finish in a matter of minutes, it takes the couple more than an hour to complete that chore.

“She would do it once a week,” Jason Endres said of one of the workers who helps the couple. “We’re lucky if we do it twice a month.”

As the pandemic continues, uncertainty is eating Endres up inside: “Are we going to live in this limbo for the rest of our lives? Is that going to be changing for the better or for the worse?

“I agree that we need to get the economy going,” Endres added. “But safety’s got to be first.”

This story is part of a partnership that includes Wisconsin Watch, Wisconsin Public Radio, NPR and Kaiser Health News.

Pandemic Upends The Lives Of People With Disabilities — And Of Their Caregivers published first on https://nootropicspowdersupplier.tumblr.com/

[dinafbrownil]

Pandemic Upends The Lives Of People With Disabilities — And Of Their Caregivers

When the COVID-19 pandemic hit, Stacy Ellingen, 34, of Oshkosh, Wisconsin, lost two of the three caregivers she depends on to dress, shower, eat and use the bathroom. The caregivers — both University of Wisconsin-Oshkosh students — returned to their parents’ homes when the university canceled in-person classes.

Ellingen, who lives with complications from cerebral palsy, had little choice but to do the same — moving back to her parents’ home in Fond du Lac.

Jason Endres and his wife, Julie, of Eau Claire, Wisconsin, both use power wheelchairs at home. Given the shortage of masks and other personal protective equipment ― and Jason’s lungs being weakened by spina bifida ― they have asked caregivers not to enter their home during the pandemic.(Courtesy of Jason Endres)

Matt Ford, whose arms and legs are paralyzed, already lived with his 76-year-old father, his primary caregiver, in a specially designed house in Verona. One of Ford’s other caregivers moved into his basement for a while, since it was easier for her to quarantine there rather than come and go and risk infection and transmission of the virus to Ford.

Jason Endres asked his care workers to stay away from the home he shares with his wife Julie in Eau Claire. With masks hard to come by, Endres feared the caregivers could inadvertently spread the virus, possibly ravaging his lungs, which have been weakened by spina bifida.

The novel coronavirus, which has infected nearly 13,000 Wisconsinites, has exposed vulnerabilities in the state’s health care programs, including those designed to serve older residents and those with disabilities.

Before the pandemic, Gov. Tony Evers in 2019 created a state task force to address a chronic shortage of caregivers. A report released in February described a “crisis” in the direct care workforce, with 20,655 vacant positions in Wisconsin’s long-term care facilities and residential settings, and an average workforce vacancy rate of nearly 26%.

For residents with disabilities who need caregivers in order to live and work independently, the pandemic is adding hurdles. These visiting aides take on demanding duties and are typically paid about $12 an hour in Wisconsin.

Clients with disabilities and their caregivers must weigh how to keep each other safe during close interactions, especially as protective equipment remains scarce. Some caregivers have stuck around; others have quit. And many clients who lose their caregivers also lose independence.

Every respondent to an April survey of nearly 500 Wisconsinites with disabilities and older adults said the pandemic had disrupted their caregiving service. Wisconsin Watch conducted a dozen interviews with people with disabilities, their family members and caregivers across Wisconsin, revealing how the crisis has transformed each life in unique ways.

Help Is Hard To Find

Before the pandemic, Stacy Ellingen ― who lives with complications from cerebral palsy ― worked from home in Oshkosh, Wisconsin, where she has a suite of technology to support independent living. During the COVID-19 closures, Ellingen lost her scheduled caregivers and was forced to move in with her parents in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin.(Courtesy of Stacy Ellingen)

Stacy Ellingen has navigated life from a power wheelchair since she was a child. Cerebral palsy has also affected her fine motor skills: She uses an enlarged keyboard and eye-gaze system to operate her design firm, Design Wheels, from her apartment in Oshkosh, where she lived independently before the pandemic. That computer setup is a key component of the independent life Ellingen has fought for. Now that she’s living with her parents, she doesn’t have access to that tool — or lifestyle.

“I’m not able to do much work while I’m at my parents’,” Ellingen said. During an interview over Zoom, she used an app on her phone to speak aloud. Ellingen requested interview questions in advance so she would have adequate time to enter her responses in the app.

Ellingen, who is featured in a video about assistive technology, said she could not survive long without caregivers to help her.

“Many times I’ve skipped meals, gone without using the restroom and slept in my wheelchair because I didn’t have a caregiver,” Ellingen said.

This is not the first time a lack of help has forced her to return to her parents’ home, but Ellingen worries the pandemic will wreak long-lasting damage to an already thin caregiving workforce.

A May survey of 504 providers of disability services conducted by the nonprofit Survival Coalition of Wisconsin Disability Organizations showed costs rising and revenues plunging across the industry. Nearly 20% of surveyed businesses were unsure whether they would survive the pandemic.

In an ideal world, Ellingen said, she would have six or seven caregivers to fill work shifts, but that hasn’t happened for years. Ellingen was down to just three care workers at the pandemic’s outset, including the two UW-Oshkosh students who have since left town.

University students typically make up at least half of Ellingen’s support staff; each rarely stays with her longer than a year.

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Ellingen said life with her parents involves major and minor annoyances. She must go to bed when they do — much earlier than she would prefer — lest she be left with no one to lift her into bed. She also has to live with her parents’ music, television and food preferences.

Still, Ellingen feels lucky; if not for her parents, she would likely live in a nursing home. The long-term care sector has experienced at least 5% of Wisconsin’s coronavirus diagnoses and more than 40% of deaths from COVID-19.

“That’s the last place anyone wants to be — especially during the pandemic,” Ellingen said.

Caregiver Makes Sacrifices

Matt Ford, 55, also recruits his caregivers mostly from a nearby college campus — the UW-Madison. He typically finds new hires near the end of the spring semester, but not this year because the pandemic sent students home early.

Paralyzed in a diving accident in 1987, Ford needs help getting in and out of bed, preparing meals, using the bathroom and driving. His father provides most of that assistance, and two or three additional workers take shifts at his home.

Ford posts his needs for paid caregivers on UW-Madison’s student job board, often using creative ways to draw attention.

“I just started putting in there: ‘Grass-fed, free-range quad needs help,'” Ford said with a chuckle. (“Quad” is short for “quadriplegic.”)

Grace Brunette noticed the listing in spring 2016, when she was a UW-Madison senior. She has worked for Ford on and off since then.

Brunette is now finishing her studies in a physician assistant program at the UW School of Medicine and Public Health. When the pandemic struck, she no longer felt comfortable splitting her time between her apartment and Ford’s house. She moved into Ford’s basement to minimize contact with outsiders, including her family. The basement was designed specifically to accommodate a live-in aide — a need that seems inevitable as Ford’s father ages.

After spending the entire first two weeks quarantining in Ford’s house, Brunette now stays over three nights a week. Why stay during the pandemic?

“He only has one other caregiver. That would be really selfish of me to just say, ‘Sayonara, I’m going to go quarantine with my family,’ when he needs the help,” Brunette said.

In May, the Wisconsin Supreme Court sided with Republican legislative leaders to strike down Democratic Gov. Tony Evers’ “Safer at Home” order. The decision made Ford bristle at the thought that Wisconsinites might begin to take the pandemic less seriously. In an amicus brief filed before the ruling, advocacy groups argued that if the order were lifted, there would be increased risks of coronavirus infection to older adults and to people with disabilities.

“It does feel a little personal that no one is recognizing the efforts that we made — as vulnerable people who need caregivers in and out of our homes — and the sacrifices that the caregivers made,” Ford said.

“I don’t want people to go out of business either,” Ford added, referencing the push to reopen the state. “I do care about them. I have some empathy toward that. But I also don’t want to die.”

Brunette is still working for Ford, but the public health crisis makes it unclear how long she will remain. She was set to start clinical rotations as part of her physician assistant training in June, which would have taken her out of town — making her unavailable to work with Ford. But when a planned trip to Belize with her classmates was canceled and her clinical rotations for school were moved online, she stayed on the job.

As of now, her next rotation is scheduled to begin in August. Someone will need to fill Brunette’s shifts during the fall. Ford said that is typically one of the hardest times to recruit student caregivers.

Mask Shortage Adds Hurdles

Like many people with disabilities in Wisconsin, both Ellingen and Ford serve as de facto employers for their caregivers, meaning they are responsible for providing personal protective gear. They each get two boxes of gloves every month, paid for by the state’s Medicaid program. But Ford said he is struggling to get gloves from his supplier because of the surging demand during the pandemic.

Masks are even tougher to find. A relative of Ellingen offered to sew some cloth face coverings for her workers. Ford finds masks at the doctor’s office, where he might sneak out one or two after routine appointments. His other source is a neighbor with a carpet-cleaning business. As businesses reopen across Wisconsin, advocates are calling for the state to prioritize caregivers as protective equipment is distributed.

Gov. Evers announced a $100 million grant program for health care providers, including caregivers, in late May. The lack of masks has not dramatically altered either Ford’s or Ellingen’s caregiving plans. It is a different story for Jason Endres and his wife, Julie in Eau Claire.

“It’s really one of the big reasons why we haven’t had anyone come into the home,” Endres said. Without a ready supply of masks, the couple feels uncomfortable inviting even familiar workers into their home, considering that many of them visit multiple clients or other work sites.

Endres, 45, has reason to be cautious. He has spina bifida-linked scoliosis. Endres had rods inserted into his back as a teenager, but his spine remained somewhat crooked — and that spinal curvature has weakened his lungs.

His wife, Julie, has cerebral palsy. Both use power wheelchairs in their ranch-style home, which was built to accommodate their needs. Their decision to keep caregivers away from the house has added challenges during the pandemic. Take the task of changing bedsheets, for example: While a worker might finish in a matter of minutes, it takes the couple more than an hour to complete that chore.

“She would do it once a week,” Jason Endres said of one of the workers who helps the couple. “We’re lucky if we do it twice a month.”

As the pandemic continues, uncertainty is eating Endres up inside: “Are we going to live in this limbo for the rest of our lives? Is that going to be changing for the better or for the worse?

“I agree that we need to get the economy going,” Endres added. “But safety’s got to be first.”

This story is part of a partnership that includes Wisconsin Watch, Wisconsin Public Radio, NPR and Kaiser Health News.

from Updates By Dina https://khn.org/news/pandemic-upends-the-lives-of-people-with-disabilities-and-of-their-caregivers/

[sorryforbeingabastard-blog]

A dumb write-up

I know what you’re thinking. My dumb loser ex can’t take a fucking hint and leave me alone and now he’s expecting me to read some long write-up about his shitty, inconsequential feelings. Or maybe you’re not thinking anything at all. Maybe you’re too confused, angry, anything. I honestly can’t know for sure. Either way, I hope you can still take the time to read this, as much as you probably don’t want to read or hear another word from me ever again.

Dina, I probably don’t deserve your attention. Not after what I’ve done to you in the past two years. You didn’t deserve what I did to you in August. I took the coward’s way out. I wanted you to make the call, not me. I was afraid so I pushed your hand. I wanted to forget that I made you cry. God, I hated seeing you cry. It made me feel so horrible knowing that you were in pain. I wanted it to stop without facing the consequences. I wanted to unknow you, forget that you ever came back and gave me the intimacy and affection we inadvertently developed after you wished me happy birthday. It was dumb. No matter how hard I wanted to disconnect myself from the circumstance, I still ended up making a decision: the shittiest one. The one that would needlessly hurt you. The one that satiated an underlying will to “give you a taste of your own medicine”. You were obviously right - I was a bastard. Perhaps, the fact that I stubbornly attempt to make contact with you even after August means that that much hasn’t really changed. I’ve slowly started to understand that “I’m sorry” (with or without additional expletives) doesn’t really cut it. What you probably need is my sincerity or, more realistically, my disappearance. I’m sorry I’ve sucked at giving you both.

I hate how persistent I am, how much the thought of you floats around my mind. I keep falling at the thought of you and no matter how hard I try to subdue it, you’ll always exist in some form or other. Pretty standard ex-girlfriend shit probably but it still stings like crazy. 

Every tear was genuine. I cried because I remembered what happened between us in 2016. I cried because I felt so guilty for all the shit I put you through. I cried because you were perfect. You were so perfect and we had both grown so much from our mutual absence yet, at the same time, a part of me just wanted to get rid of you. I cried because being with you split me in half. 

Most people long to mean something. I always longed to mean something to you which is why I cried when you told me I was the most significant person to you. Your opinion has always meant everything to me. I can’t remember that many times when I genuinely looked down on you. You’re charming. I’ve always loved your awkward cadence and your eclectic perception of the world. I love your tenacity, your fumbles, your flaws. I love your successes, your glasses. Most importantly, I love how comfortable I feel with you. I love how much I can relate to you and how much I can understand you, knowing you can understand me. 

As shitty as our relationship was, it developed me as a person. I’ve slowly become a lot more patient and understanding...I think. Melody and I broke up around a month and a bit after August. It was nothing to do with you. Her parents didn’t approve of her dating a Malay and a myriad of compatibility issues along with the fact that she’ll be flying off next March led us to split. As much as it pained me at the time, the breakup was, at most, bittersweet. I learned to be patient. I learned to understand. And I slowly learned to accept. A peaceful conclusion, at least. We still talk as friends (though, about as frequently as you could expect from a post-breakup friendship). I didn’t start trying to talk to you because of the break-up. Honestly, I think I never really got over you. I think I regretted pushing you away the moment I drove off. That much is clear.

Do I want us back? Do I want to go back to July and properly actualise what we were doing together? Do I want to feel like I’m talking to the person I’ve ever felt closest to? Of course, I do. It’s not what I ask of you, though. I just want to talk. It’s probably asking too much of you. Heck, maybe expecting you to actually read this shit is too much. Maybe you didn’t even click on the link. But that’s kinda why I decided to write this whole thing. Maybe I was hoping to convince you or, at the very least, I was hoping to mean something.

I was shocked when I saw you at MDHO. I’ll admit I kind of wanted to talk to you. To say sorry for what happened. But it felt wrong. Everything about me being at that tournament felt wrong. I should have never let my friend force me into joining. I shouldn’t have taken the dumb risk.

I know all you want to do is forget me. The fact that I probably mean as much to you as you do to me probably doesn’t work in my favour. Perhaps elucidating my thoughts in one coherent (if you can call it that) write-up will impact you more than my careless, misdirected messages I’ve been sending you on a weekly basis. Or perhaps it means all the same to you.

If you’ve actually read this far, just know this: I care about you. I never ever stopped caring about you, worrying about how you feel. As much as this might make you feel uncomfortable, I never really stopped loving you. Not after August, not even after last November. It never really fucked off. 

Your absence has left me in despair. Probably a selfish thing to say but I honestly didn’t know how else to put it into words. 

I’d love to talk to you again, Dina. Even just as friends, as impossible as that may seem to you. I probably shouldn’t expect you to care but I’m going through one of the most difficult moments of my life. It’s brought me almost nothing but pain, no matter how much I’ve tried to stand up and push through it all. I just want someone I can express myself to comfortably. Someone I’m close to. I just want you.

Even if you don’t end up talking to me after this, even if you didn’t end up even reading this, just know that I’m grateful. I’m grateful for everything we’ve experienced together and everything we’ve learned together. From the bottom of my heart.