#both in the sense that it's painful to write but also cringing from my terrible writing lmao

[sharkneto]

So. Season 4.

Let’s start with the good. In no particular order -

The road trip. Loved the energy of them all together again and suffering mildly and looking terrible. I appreciate we didn’t waste a bunch of time with them without their powers.

Gene and Jean were great. Loved their energy, the right level of weird. Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally were perfectly cast for the roles.

Liked the idea of the Keepers, the consequence of all the timeline meddling leaking through.

Loved the concept of the subway-between-timelines. That aesthetic slaps for the map alone.

 The Truman Show Christmas Town. They nailed the creepy energy, I liked how ridiculously well-armed it was, I liked that they all died badly, I liked that the Umbrellas got to flex their powers. Diego’s flipping and bullet-mancy was fun, as was him cheating at the axe game to win his kids toys. Luther finally being properly bulletproof was also nice.

Ben Doc-Ock-ing around on the Horror. And the Horror dragging behind him while powers were booting back up. Silly fun.

Loved that Viktor dated and was unable to hold on to every eligible woman in Halifax. Daddy Issues strike again and again, poor guy.

It makes no sense for the level of tech in the show, but I did laugh at Ben being a Crypto Bro. That is the exact way in which his personality sucks.

Jerome and Nancy. If they had left Diego being suspicious of Lila seeing that “little Greek guy” as a “haha it’s just Five!” joke, it is very funny. But they didn’t. Alas.

I didn’t hate the ending! I will always think redemption through living is a better and more powerful conclusion, but them all dying to save the world because they’re the force causing repeat apocalypses was always on the table as an option. I thought they did a good job hitting emotions, them all snarking together until the end felt in character and heartfelt; if other writing choices didn’t happen before it, I think they could have really stuck that landing. I thought the easter eggs of characters from earlier seasons was fun, I hope the Handler still sucks as a regular person.

Overall, I was vibing for the first four episodes. Was it perfect? No. It was never going to be, but I could overlook the usual UA cringe and plotholes because my favorite guys were back on the screen and having good character moments together and fumbling along to save the world. I don’t usually care about spoilers, but I worked hard to avoid S4 spoilers specifically because I didn’t want expectations. The show was going to do what it was going to do, and I didn’t want to judge it for things it was never going to be. And that strat worked well for the first half of the season! It was on par with S3, which I’m an apologist for – had stuff I liked and stuff I was going to be happy to ignore, but overall we’re having a good time! My favorite dysfunctional family is here, I had missed them!

Then Ep5 hit. And we’re onto the problems and things I would change (under the cut --)

The biggest problem of the season is that the pacing was wack, in both an internal time-frame and technical-writing frame.

Internally, media for some reason has no idea how long a year is. Some of the Hargreeves’ problems at the beginning of the season would have worked much better if we were jumping in at year two or three of being in the new timeline, six years is a long time. Diego and Lila’s growing pains at being parents and living a domestic life, how to balance having kids makes more sense to be at this point. And the first couple years of adapting to no-powers-new-universe is way more interesting that hopping in once they’re all settled into mostly-sad patterns (which is in character for them all, they’re disasters). Why not an opening montage of them in their active struggle? Why are we picking up six years later? Unfortunately, because of Ep5, it does feel like the whole point of such a long time jump was to get Five’s body to a legal age and not just so Aidan wouldn’t have to pretend he’s physically a teen anymore (even though we have 30-year-olds playing teens all over other TV shows).

From a technical writing standpoint, for a show that only has six episodes to bring about a satisfying conclusion to a plot as convoluted and bonkers as UA has, they squandered Episode 5. The first four episodes we were moving along, finding plot points, getting Umbrellas in position to move things forward, and then Ep5 hits and is anyone except Viktor and Ben doing something for the plot??? The show is at its strongest with the Umbrellas are together, and it went out of its way to split them up. I also usually love character time, but we had no time to spare! We spend most of the episode either with Five and Lila in the subway, or with Klaus in the world’s most fucked-up situation. And neither do anything to build meaningfully towards the final episode! A weird choice to have your show screech to a halt in its penultimate episode.

Usually, Klaus’ side adventures loop in some important detail that pushes things forward in an unexpected way – he destroys Hazel and ChaCha’s briefcase because of Vietnam, he finds the Kugelblitz, he puts Reggie in position to use Oblivion. This time? He’s getting used and abused by a gang and buried alive to be reunited with Allison so that we… gain nothing? Except Klaus and Allison have made up from their fight? Why did I have to watch Klaus get possessed and fucked for that to happen? Why did they do that to him and me. I don’t mind angst and the incredible fucked-up situations, but it has to be earned and the story didn’t gain anything from it. Klaus just had a horrific time because that’s what he gets, I guess.

And now we get to Five and Lila. Five and Lila, Five and Lila, Five and Lila. The thing is – I don’t hate the idea of them. Obviously, it’s not anything I was ever going to ship on my own, but if they’re going to do it, I can see how and why. They even set it up in a way that I go “yeah I get it.” The thing is, after setting it up, they completely forgot what makes either character themselves or compelling so that they could be shoehorned into Cottagecore Bliss in the greenhouse and the most boring romance possible. If we're committed to doing this, I wish they’d had a weird trauma-bonded relationship in the rat pits of the subway, I would have understood that. Supported it even, tbh. Let them be weird and feral together, yelling and emoting at each other over eastbound vs westbound trains. Instead, Five, who for the past three seasons has been driven by his need to save his family, is happy to delay returning and give up on them to keep very quietly playing house with Lila. What the fuck. Lila, who cannot handle domestic life with Diego and her three children, can handle being a housewife with Five and wear soft sweaters and dresses. They didn’t try to kill each other once! I said way back after S3 aired that I didn’t like Lila’s pregnancy plot because it was going to tie her down in weird ways, and lo and behold! UA writers cannot write women, and it sucks that Lila was yet another casualty of that.

And then the whole thing shafts Diego. I know Diego and Lila don’t have a particularly healthy relationship, but he’s an Umbrella and Lila’s mom is the Handler. I think they do pretty well for what they’re working with, they have a fun chemistry, and it seemed (before this season) they really loved each other. Why did Steve write them off instead of letting their arc be them falling back in love (well, I guess that was Diego’s arc. Wasn’t Lila’s)? Now the three of them get to spend the final episode of the entire show in an unhappy, unnecessary love triangle instead of us getting to watch the Umbrella Academy fully join together to save the world one last time.

After all of that, the rest of my complaints feel like small potatoes. Why don’t we do another numbered list to round out this essay. In no particular order –

It sucks Ben was the plot driver of the season and then doesn’t even get to die with his family, just melted and turned into mindless Cleanse Goo. I was excited for him to get to do more, was excited for a payoff for Viktor trying to return the favor of Umbrella Ben sacrificing himself for him. I wish the Cleanse was more squiddy because it was made out of the two squiddiest characters.

UA has gotten more and more flexible with powers as the seasons have gone, but I straight up do not know what Allison’s power was at the end. Was she telekinetic? Was she Rumoring reality? Why did we have to use that to graphically crush a man’s balls in front of Claire? I liked that the powers got an upgrade and a twist, for the most part, but that only works if we know what they are. Lila has laser eyes and I thought that was it until they needed her to mimic powers again in the last episode. Five can’t blink anymore because he now just goes to the subway (still an aesthetic that is cool, and a cool way to have it tied in a different way to time), unless he’s doing it with Lila? Viktor just has energy now, I guess, sound doesn’t seem to be part of it.

Abigail. I did not fully follow what her motivation was. I wanted her to be comically evil, worse than Reggie, but – again- UA writers can’t write women so I guess she was just a good guy benevolently taking skin suits so she could get the world to end to save the world. Boring. Reggie also should have recognized his wife even if she was wearing Gene and kissed Nick Offerman.

Why didn’t Five have a reaction to his Apocalypse? He had PTSD flashbacks in S1! He was trapped there for four decades! It’s been six years but it’s not like he was working on his mental health during that time. No reaction???? Don’t even get me started on Delores and his “Good thing I’ve never been married” comment.

I’m not usually for fan service, but it felt like the season was actively trying to avoid fan service. Was Gene and Jean’s dance really the only dance party of the season? Five doesn’t have a single fight scene to fun music? Five doesn’t kill anyone all season??? What the fuck.

I wish the Fives in the Five Diner were Sean Sullivan. Bring back Old Five, why would Five fuck up his jump back in every timeline.

The gratuitous fat shaming. It’s always been bad with Luther, but absolutely ridiculous the comments made about Diego.

I don’t particularly like Sloane but where the fuck was Sloane. And I hope Ray not being in the show was a scheduling conflict, because that was tragic that he off-screen left Allison with no further explanation or context. Didn’t feel very Ray.  

A lot of character arcs from over the whole show stagnate or go backwards. Luther is back at the Academy after working to build his own identity. Klaus I guess has to be on drugs if he has his powers. I don’t know what’s going on with Allison and Claire’s relationship – it seems bad at the beginning but just sort of fixes itself when they go rescue Klaus? Diego tries to have an arc to understand how much good he has with his family, but the writers won’t let Lila be part of that. Don't get me started on Five.

I wish the writing team cared enough to actually know the characters. Luther’s powers aren’t tied to him being gorilla’d – that was a separate event, why would the marigolds re-gorilla him. Lila likes bracelets, one of the very first things she did in the show was take and keep the one Diego made. It’s little things, but they go a long way in making us know the creative team cares, rather than just jerking around these characters because they have an idea the think is funny or shocking and requires characters to go against their established personalities and motivations to pull off.

Overall – it was fine, which is not the energy you want when finishing one of the most popular shows on one of the biggest streaming platforms. I get why people are upset, I get a lot of mourning is happening, but I hope we can find a spot where we can enjoy what we have and play in the space again.

It was always going to be a rough goodbye. This show, as cliché as it is, changed my life. I started writing because of it. I’ve made some incredible friends because of it. It helped me figure out I was trans, because of Elliot Page. I’m going to miss it. I’m going to keep hanging around here having fun with the characters, but I’ll miss the fandom, too, as people move on to whatever the next new thing is.

It's been a ride, everyone!

[with-love-from-love]

the desire jellyfish

“Current-borne, wave-flung, tugged hugely by the whole might of ocean, the jellyfish drifts in the tidal abyss. The light shines through it, and the dark enters it. Borne, flung, tugged from anywhere to anywhere, for in the deep sea there is no compass but nearer and farther, higher and lower, the jellyfish hangs and sways; pulses move slight and quick within it, as the vast diurnal pulses beat in the moondriven sea. Hanging, swaying, pulsing, the most vulnerable and insubstantial creature, it has for its defense the violence and power of the whole ocean, to which it has entrusted its being, its going, and its will.

But here rise the stubborn continents. The shelves of gravel and the cliffs of rock break from water baldly into air, that dry, terrible outerspace of radiance and instability, where there is no support for life. And now, now the currents mislead and the waves betray, breaking their endless circle, to leap up in loud foam against rock and air, breaking....

What will the creature made all of seadrift do on the dry sand of daylight; what will the mind do, each morning, waking?”

(Ursula K. Le Guin, The Lathe of Heaven)

Here I am once more, flooding your inbox with my deranged ramblings. Sometimes I feel so ashamed of myself, and I know that is an exercise in self obsession. I need to learn how to simultaneously listen to myself more, and learn how to disregard my internal darkness, my selfish desires of flesh. What would it even mean to be perfect, to be flawless, would anyone even want that. I think in our constant unchanging effort to achieve “good” and “happy” lives, we miss the fact that pain is not our enemy, in fact, she is our dear friend. Time makes absolutely no sense to me, how could I possibly forget all the lessons that I taught myself already? That instead of looking for answers, I should look for more questions. The question, the answer, you who are reading this, and me, writing this, we are all dreams, dreamt by something old, something long ago, yet also sometime in the future, sometime outside this place we inhabit. I constantly feel just like that jellyfish, encapsulating the dark and the light, moved by the whim of the ocean, our mother. I went to the beach this month, I teared up, tears for that reclamation of lost girlhood. I let the ocean pull me, breathe me in, and I felt so safe, knowing that she could take me back, without cause, without effort. 

“The flawlessly beautiful were flawlessly happy, weren’t they? To Kirsty this had always seemed self-evident. Tonight, however, the alcohol made her wonder if envy hadn’t blinded her. Perhaps to be flawless was another kind of sadness.”

(Clive Barker, The Hellbound Heart)

Desire is inherently brimming with shame. Desire should not be shameful, so much of it comes from our humanity, our joy of connection, our dark love of pain and degradation. Shame is a prison, a terrible box we are placed in by people who are supposed to love us. I think that shame is inflicted on us, often by people in our own communities. In my experience, we, the dolls, love to cringe at each other, we revel in it. I think, like all things, this originates because of many nuanced factors, but at the end of the day, we all have that darkness, that desire to be accepted, to be a part of the in-group, pointing and laughing at those whose behavior we deem unacceptable. I am, without a doubt, very guilty of this. God this “newsletter” is just turning into a way for me to process my various sins. I'm trying not to engage in too much self hatred or self love, both are tipping the scales of narcissism, and I need to focus more on where these things meet. 

Why is it considered “cringe” for a trans woman to just talk about her experiences, her life. I think often we intentionally avoid being the trans girl who talks about trans girl stuff, so as not to make the cis world uncomfortable or alienated. In my mind, this is pointless. You could really get down and dirty, and just say everything we do is cringe, because everything we do is fueled by desire, and I would argue that desire is inherently cringe. We’re so unbelievably cucked by cynicism. The act of showing genuine care, genuine excitement, genuine curiosity, has somehow been twisted by anti-intellectualism. And yeah, taste is pretty inextricably linked to class, but it’s the ruling class that has decided art should be literal and uncomplicated, that complex ideas, emotions, themes, are merely an inconvenience to you, and you should focus on serious things. The life of a doll, how I see my life, the life of anyone really, should be like a poem, an abstract painting, a song that makes you joyful, just as easily as it makes you cry. After all, it is cold in the water, there is no sense in abandoning that reality. 

I’m reminded of the second truth of Buddhism. In college I took a bunch of classes on Buddhism, (cringe) and I’m reminiscing on the various ways in which those philosophies affected my life. The second truth seeks to determine the route of human suffering, Buddhists believe it lies in desire and ignorance. Desire, meaning the craving of pleasure, material goods, and immortality, and ignorance being the dissonance of seeing the world not as it truly is, thus breeding envy, greed, hatred, and anger. Now, obviously I am not a scholar of any kind, I am a trashy, transsexual weirdo with a neck tattoo, but I do have an issue with this philosophy. On the part of ignorance, I agree, but I think the denial of desire is rooted in a denial of the self, and of course, the self is a selfish attachment in the tenants of Buddhism. So yes, desire does bring about suffering, but I would argue that suffering, pain, sadness, are not necessarily bad. In fact I would argue that the pursuit of a life with no suffering is pointless and foolish. 

And did you know desire's a terrible thing

The worst that I could find

And did you know desire's a terrible thing

But I rely on mine

Did you know desire's a terrible thing

It makes the world go blind

But if desire, desire's a terrible thing

You know that I really don't mind

And it's my life

And though I can't be sure what I want any more

It will come to me later

Well it's my life, and it's my life

And though I can't be sure if I want any more

It will come to me later, ah, yeah

(The Sundays, Can’t Be Sure)

Having sexual proclivities, unconventional interests, or really any deviation from what the straight cis world defines as “normal” is central to our experiences. I don’t want to feel shame, I don’t want to cringe at myself, but my mind has been irrevocably scarred by friends, family, media, art, and fucking Maury Povich. So much of my early understanding of trans identity centered around pity, disgust, humiliation, and fear. I heard this term recently, “humilitainment,” and I can’t lie and say I don’t have this innate fear, that the only reason anyone engages with my work is because, secretly, they are laughing at me. I must conquer this fear however, because it is founded in self obsession. After all, making art is a journey of self reflection, of self refraction. I am not the same person I was yesterday, I am not the same person I was when I started writing this journal, we must all be in a constant state of metamorphosis. 

“Sometimes a person starts out resistant but then opens up, or realizes that they are confusing their past with their present, or that they are simply afraid of change. Sometimes one party can see clearly into the future while the other’s vision is obscured by unresolved but ancient experiences. Sometimes someone needs to be courted. Sometimes one party has the wrong impression of the other person, cannot see their gifts”

“While unrecovered trauma is so often a prison of inflexibility, some people do have choices about how to respond. And someone else might make that shift possible by daring to imagine what to us may feel unimaginable. Which can be love.”

(Sarah Schulman, Conflict Is Not Abuse)

I rewatched a couple of movies that have always been very impactful to me this month, and I noticed that these two movies are somewhat a reflection of each other. Andrei Tarkovsky’s 1979 film Stalker, and Alex Garland’s 2018 film Annihilation. Both movies are so steeped in metaphor, and I think they both reflect our desire to understand what is ultimately incomprehensible. How can we ever hope to really grasp our trauma? Why do we spend so much time running from our pain, being  suffocated by our mistakes? What do we lose when we refuse to submit to nature, the natural process of all things? Immortality is plastic, it is hard and unchanging, it is the companion of death, her strange relative. 

“I didn’t know what going back meant, why would it be safer than going forward?”

(Annihilation)

(Stalker)

“I knew there’d be a lot of sorrow, but I’d rather know bittersweet happiness…than a gray uneventful life. Perhaps I invented all this later, but when he came up to me and said ‘come with me’ I went. And I’ve never regretted it. Never. There was a lot of grief, and fear and pain, but I’ve never regretted it, nor envied anyone. It’s just fate. It’s life. It’s us. And if there were no sorrow in our lives, it wouldn’t be better. It would be worse. Because then there would be no happiness either. And there’d be no hope. So…”

(Stalker)

“The mutations were subtle at first. More extreme as we grew closer to the lighthouse. Corruptions of form. Duplicates of form. Echoes.” 

“Is it possible these were hallucinations?”

“I wondered that myself. But they were shared among all of us. It was dreamlike.”

“Nightmarish?”

“Not always. Sometimes it was beautiful.”

(Annihilation)

Our refusal to submit, to be pliable and ever changing, will be our death. We can never return to the people we once were, in fact, it is vital that we don’t. We must be ourselves refracted, light through a prism, that becomes something new, something equally as terrifying as it is beautiful. 

I really want to share a poem I wrote this month, but I want to make it clear that it features some very triggering imagery. I normally wouldn’t include a warning like this, but my intention is not to shock or cause pain to anyone.

Let me be insect

Am I human? Am I insect? Am I fragile bone and delicious flesh? Am I chrysalis? Crystal, glistening exoskeleton. I am woman, by ancient, eldritch design. I am desiccated, disintegrating. I am wrapped in every golden web. I am dinner for every spider, I am fodder for every knife held by my sisters. I am debris, seaweed, broken sand dollar. I am penance. I am forgiveness. I am self flagellation, I am selfish. I am hungry, attention seeking whore! A ripe candidate for the devil. A fruit tree in her garden. Pluck me! Pluck me! I will scream, pluck me, devour me, it’s what I’m here for isn’t it, I say through my tears. I look up at goddess. Did you put me here simply to rot on this branch, to fall, to bruise, to be deemed a sunken cost. To melt into the earth, to give in to her strong hands, to give in to strangulation. Please, please, tell me I’m worthless, tell me I’m nothing. Tell me I am just yours to play with. Yours to use how you see fit. Make me fucking beg. I can be chameleon, I can be change. I can be what you want, your desire, your darkness. Your cutting board. I can be your mother, your teacher, the attention you believe the world owes you, your outlet for misery and dissatisfaction. I promise I love it. I promise I love it. We can let the stagnation of summer give way to the yearning of fall, the ache of winter, the titillation of springtime. You could kiss me in the rain, then tell me you never want to kiss me again. I could fall on your sword, tip piercing my breast, and I could pull myself closer. It’s what you want, isn’t it? Isn’t it? Oh please tell me, don’t leave me in stasis. Don’t freeze my cocoon, forced to stew forever in my plasma. Let me refract, let me be prism, shifting light to color, to energy. I can be butterfly, wings with painted skulls. Let me be ugly, I know it’s truth. Let me be perfect, I know it’s fallacy, it’s supremacy is shattered, like glass rubbed against my softening skin. Let me fucking bleed out on the dirty carpet, don’t help me, the only way you could help me, is if you watched, and enjoyed it. Am I human? Am I insect? Am I to be used, or to use. Am I to kill? Am I to take away? Am I to give? To grow seeds in my belly. To succumb to plastic. To be nothing but mirror. A mirror I am trapped behind, my lungs hoarse from unheard screams.  

For those of you that didn’t feel the desire to read this poem, I weirdly found a meme after I wrote it that pretty much sums it up perfectly, a moment of digital synchronicity, a strange message from the algorithms that control my life. 

I have been writing so much more, more than I have since I was small. A month or so ago, I found some old notebooks of mine from elementary and middle school. I was so surprised to see all the ways I expressed myself creatively when I was young and how, the older I got, the stories and the drawings, the beauty, gave way to a terrible darkness, a refusal of myself. Page after page of uncertainty. I want to understand the benefits of pain, of desire, but I have to recognize my own failings to understand joy. 

“The trouble is that we have a bad habit, encouraged by pedants and sophisticates, of considering happiness as something rather stupid. Only pain is intellectual, only evil interesting. This is the treason of the artist: a refusal to admit the banality of evil and the terrible boredom of pain. If you can’t lick ‘em, join ‘em. If it hurts, repeat it. But to praise despair is to condemn delight, to embrace violence is to lose hold of everything else. We have almost lost hold; we can no longer describe a happy man, nor make any celebration of joy. How can I tell you about the people of Omelas?”

(Ursula K. Le Guin, The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas)

So, I don’t want to lose hold, I want to hold on, and I think the best way for me to hold on is to continue creating, to not fall into the trap of blindly embracing the company of despair. I started writing a story, I’m so fucking excited about it, I don’t have much yet, and I’m still very much learning who the characters are, and how the narrative will progress, but it has filled me with so much joy. The story has a lot of darkness, a reflection of my own feelings, but creating a world, a place, that is only accessible through a little doorway in my mind is honestly a fucking trip. I started taking a writing course this month. I got to hear from an author whose work I really admire. I am filled with so many ideas, thoughts of talking bugs and cats that know your future. 

Exploring mediums has always been my favorite way of engaging with my heart, and creating art has always represented my future, a way for me to make sense of the bizarre places I find myself in. Not only that, but a way for me to connect, to share myself with other people, I got to do a bunch of tattoos this month and I’m so happy with all of them. The best part was that they were all trades I did with my friends, except for one, but that one was still done on an old friend, so I’d consider it to be just as sentimental. It just makes me so happy, to stimulate creativity in a way that joins people, that brings me closer to people I care for. Obviously you could argue this will lead to a hedgehog's dilemma, the closer we get, the more capable we are of hurting each other, but I think that intimacy is worth more than that, it’s worth more than the fear of potential heartache. After all, heartache lets us know we are alive, that we are capable of opening our hearts to someone, even with the potential of breaking it. Human intimacy is like the Milky Way colliding with the Andromeda galaxy, it’s inevitable, and once it happens, neither will exist as they once were, they will both be scattered echoes of the other. 

And of course, there are all different kinds of desires. I spend my life talking to a lot of people, and yet I am always looking for those very few with whom I really want to be in conversation. Such occasions are rare, but when it happens, it is a special kind of love.”

(Sarah Schulman, Conflict Is Not Abuse)

To end things this month, I’m thinking of a piece of advice a friend once gave me. We were standing in my living room and I was pouring myself a cup of coffee, probably my 5th or 6th cup of the day. She looked at me and, authoritatively said, “Sasha, coffee is not food.” Not with anger, not patronizing, but out of care. And obviously she meant it in the literal sense, but now I’m seeing its deeper meaning. It can’t be all pleasure, it can’t be all stimulation, we must allow ourselves moments of quiet, moments of reflection, moments of just being with our thoughts and feelings. We must be kind to ourselves, but honest. We can engage in contempt, but we must recognize when the scale has tipped to hatred. Coffee is not and can never fucking be food. Desire is wonderful, but it is just as intoxicating, and we cannot live on intoxication alone. 

With love from love

Sasha Love

Please donate to FOR THE GWORLS, a collective providing mutual aid and support to black trans people. https://www.forthegworls.party/home <3

[galahadenough]

I finally put together a review of Loki (TV Series). I've always been a huge Marvel fan, a huge MCU fan, but this show was horrific to me. Especially since I saw the show through to the end, I wanted to write a review for the main reviewing websites. I want this side to be heard. All it took was an immense amount of rage to get me to write reviews!

I’m planning on posting it on imdb, Rotten Tomatoes, and google reviews. So far I’ve gotten errors and issues with RT and google, and I’m hoping it doesn’t get lost on imdb. Any other places to leave reviews?

It took me a while to write this. I had to calm down a lot to make it coherent. Then I had to figure out how to condense it. I felt like a review should be my main points, but it took a lot of editing to get it down this much. (Then I had to make an edited version because google has much smaller word limits).

Thanks a lot @iamnmbr3. Your blog was the first one I found on the topic and it was a huge help. The show felt off from the first episode, but I couldn’t figure out why. Your analysis on the show really helped me to verbalize what I was feeling.

Review (except shorter on google):

As a huge MCU fan, I found the show to be intolerable. The plot was slow with way too much filler for the length of the show, and much of the filler felt purposeless. They could have deleted entire scenes or plot points without changing much if any of the story. The creators deliberately made the aesthetic average and mundane, which didn’t pair well with the underwhelming plot. The show relied heavily on slapstick humor, almost all of which was directed at the title character in a manner that encouraged laughter at his pain and stupidity. It would have been better suited for a cartoon, but it would be a cruel cartoon.

The TVA was presented as the better of two evils despite it being a totalitarian organization utilizing genocide and torture, both physical and mental. It felt very reminiscent of the book 1984 with the Thought Police, but the TVA was never truly represented as evil. Not one character opposed them as a hero or from a moral standpoint. All opposition came from a personal or self-serving motive. I’m not wanting every character to be brilliantly moralistic. That would be boring. But you don’t set up an organization like the TVA and say that they are providing a good and needed service, which was the idea the series was based on and ended on.

Mobius has a personality that is very easy to like, but he is very much complicit with the TVA. He happily 'does his job' of genocide and torture. He is Loki's captor, but we are informed he is his friend. When he isn't actively using physical or mental manipulation and torture, he is deriding and mocking him. There was nothing to indicate that they were friends outside of being told that is true. Mobius was never used as a villain by the show despite him fitting the mold well, but he also never has a redemption arc that would have made him a good hero. His reason for working against the TVA is because they lied to him, not because there is any moral reason. His change in alliances happened without much buildup, no gradual discovery throughout the series.

Sylvie felt like a caricature of a character, with very little to her personality other than grit. I was very bored with her. She was a tough, strong, and perfect character that lacked any other depth or nuance. She was called “terrifying” for being female, which felt horrifyingly sexist. She was yet another source of derision and mocking towards Loki.

Loki, the character, was very poorly written. He has always had a great deal of emotional depth that makes him interesting. He was acted with a range from extreme subtlety to riveting explosions of emotion in previous movies. His past is filled with good and bad choices, made with good and bad intentions. He was the villain who tried to be a hero and the hero who tried to be a villain. They took all that away and made him a side character in his own show who had little to no effect on the plot.

For abilities, he lacked his usual physical fighting prowess. He did very little magic, seeming awed when others used magic. His personality and mannerisms changed drastically. His gestures and expressions in this show were over the top and felt clownish, especially for a character that is known for his subtlety. He felt hyperactive and painfully eager to please everyone. His character is known for his manipulations, but his method of 'manipulation' here is to inform others that he is 'ten steps ahead' of them and is going to trick them. I don’t think that’s a good method of manipulation? Plus, the only effect he had on the plot was to slow down the other characters through his bumbling failures.

In addition, Loki was almost always the target of cruelty. This entire show felt like it was made to mock this character. They used every opportunity to tell us, and Loki, how terrible Loki is. How he is irredeemable and incapable of change. That he is a narcissist, which is inaccurate, and that any Loki is inherently untrustworthy. From birth, I suppose. Physical attacks, such as the slow-motion punch and the time loop where he was repeatedly kicked in the crotch, made me cringe. This show encouraged the enjoyment of cruelty.

As a last point, the show used the idea of representation to draw in viewers while avoiding having actual representation. The show was lauded as being good for bisexual and genderfluid representation. From what I’ve heard, the genderfluid representation was a mark on Loki’s paperwork, which you would need to pause at just the right moment to see. Plus, that makes the “terror” at a female Loki make even less sense. The bisexual representation was shown through a single word, and the character was only shown to be so when they made an entire show to mock and belittle him. That is not good representation.

I was very excited for this show, as well as for the next phase of the MCU. This has left me very disappointed and disheartened. I may not be entirely finished with the MCU, but this is the first part of the series that has killed my excitement for future releases. I get a sinking feeling when I hear about future projects now. I have enjoyed debating creative choices before, but this is not simply creative choices. It is too much cruelty, combined with poor writing and a lack of continuity.

[xoxo-teddybear]

Hey idk if I’ve asked for this before but can you do nsfw Bakugo x fem reader fic, where you do work studies with him. He’s obviously going to be a little older 3-6 years, and you two have know each other since you were kids and he’s always just been a little nicer to you and cared about you more than others, and when you are working with him you get hurt and he flips out. You’re really confused and your like “wtf why do you care this isn’t affecting your job” and he gets mad your not getting the hint that he cares about you in a “not friendly” way, he ends up tch’ing and just says frick it and confesses that he has feelings for you and you’re just like cool I reciprocate and he’s like “with”... it just gets frisky from there... Idk if this is like a thing you might be interested in writing about, but like it just an idea😃... Anyways I love your work please keep it up🥺(sorry for any grammatical errors I’m writing this at 2:30am)

What Took So Long? - Bakugou Katsuki

Bakugo x f!reader

Warnings: NSFW, f!receiving, mutual pining, angst, injury, fluff, cursing, all the good stuff

BAKUGOU”S MASTERLIST

Summary: you and Katsuki have been close friends for forever, how long is it gonna take to realize both your love is mutual?

Growing up, you and Katsuki got along really well. You knew him before he got his quirk so you got to see his non-egotistical self. You saw the him that was kind and caring and he always looked out for you, always took care of you, always was there for you. In your eyes, you thought he thought it was in a big brother kinda way. Oh how that changed once you both became teenagers.

You both made it into UA, of course at different times, but you still kept in touch. You guys hung out like, everyday! It was always wake up, FaceTime, go to school, text throughout the day, and meet and go to either your house or his. It was like there was nobody else in the world except you two.

Throughout the years, you developed a small crush on the blonde boy. What went from a small crush turned into love. To you, it was unreciprocated love. He was 3 years older than you! He had to have seen you as a little sister. It only made sense! When you came to that terribly incorrect realization, you pushed back your feelings. What you had with Katsuki was special! You’re friendship meant the world to you. It didn’t matter if you wanted more, what you had was already perfect, there was no way it could’ve gotten better than this.

—

This. These moments. These memories being made with Katsuki kept you sane. As you both cuddled up and watched a trashy reality tv show in your room on your computer, you both threw popcorn at the screen at the cringe scenes.

“BoooooOOOOO!!” You both said as you threw a handful of the buttery snack. You both laughed at the moment as you settled down again. With you both laying on each other, your head on his, while his own rested on your shoulder, you were sure both of you would get neck pains the next day.

“So,” Katsuki started up a conversation, “how’s your third year at UA?”

“Ugh, don’t get me started. Classes got crazy hard outta nowhere. BUT, lucky for me, I have a UA graduate to help me out!” You said while nudging his arm.

“No way teddy bear, you’re finishing that on your own. As a graduate, that means I don’t gotta deal with that bullshit anymore.” He said as he popped some pieces of the snack into his mouth. With that, you pouted. Something he noticed and thought was insanely adorable. He poked your plump lips and told you, “hey, I’m helping you by letting you do your work study at my agency. You’re very welcome for that.”

“Helping? Suuukkiiii, you barely let me go out and fight. How am I supposed to get experience and actually do my work study if I don’t...you know..WORK?” You whined out. Katsuki had always been avoiding this topic. Yeah, he let you get your credits by going to his agency, but he never let you do any real hero work other than paperwork. Don’t get me wrong, you loved hanging out with him as much as you could, but it was beginning to get boring not doing anything at the agency.

“Y/N, no. You’re getting enough experience. Paper work is a big part in the life of a Pro,” he argued.

“Yeah, well saving people and actually getting out there in the field is a bigger part in the life of a pro.” You rebuttled as you flopped down next to him. You looked at him with puppy eyes and he knew what was coming.

“No.”

“Pleaseee Suki!”

“No.”

“Pleaseee!!”

“Nope.”

“Sukiiiiiii!!” You whined while tugging at his arm. He sighed before answering.

“One job, WITH ME, and that’s all you get.” He said while staring at you with a stern look. You smiled and jumped in the air.

“YESSSS!!”

—

So now here you are, on job number whatever. You weren’t sure how many you’ve actually been on because ever since your first job with Katsuki was a huge success, he let you join him more and more. You were almost like a partner to him now, fighting crime together. Except this time...things went a little south.

As the villain struck you down mid air with his quirk, you fell to the ground with a now burned arm. Katsuki saw red. No fucking way. No way in HELL is he going to let some shit faced freak bring harm to his teddy bear, his world, his best friend, and the love of his life. Yup. Katsuki Bakugou fell for his best friend. But could you blame him? You knew him better than anyone else, you guys got along so well, you were absolutely gorgeous and he was sure he’d give his life for you. 100%. So when this scum bag thought he could try and ruin you, he saw red. Blasting him a thousand times over and once he was sure he was out cold, battered, bloodied, and bruised he ran to check on you.

You were sitting on the ground holding your left arm where the burn mark was. Your costume was tattered and your head felt like it was gonna blow. Katsuki came along and didn’t really help with that all too much.

“YOU FUCKING DUMBASS!” He screamed. Oh, the throbbing your head had only increased with his booming voice.

“You see?! This is exactly why I hate bringing you along! You’re always gonna get hurt!” He said as he picked you up off the ground to help you stand.

“Of course I’m gonna get hurt Dynamight, my job as a hero includes a little beating every now and then for the sake and safety of others!” You replied, raising your voice as well.

“You’re NOT a hero Y/N!” He said as he reached out for your arm.

“Yet! Not yet at least! But I will be!” You replied while pulling away from him. His eyes were shaken and it was clear he was mad. You pushing his buttons didn’t help soothe his anger either.

“NO YOU WONT. Y/N ITS SO OBVIOUS YOU’D MAKE A SHIT HERO! YOU ALREADY GOT HURT ON SUCH A SIMPLE JOB, DO YOU HONESTLY THINK ANYBODY WOULD BE WILLING TO DEPEND ON YOU FOR THEIR SAFETY?!?!?” Bakugou heard the words he said and he thought he was doing the right thing. Granted, he knew the delivery was bad, but his message was in there. He didn’t want Y/N to be hurt. If she died on the battle field, Katsuki wouldn’t know what to do with himself. Y/N can’t be a hero, for her safety and his sanity. He loved her too much to have to watch her take beating after beating. However, Y/N took it in a completely different way.

“Are you trying to say I can’t be a good hero?!” You asked filled with anger and hurt.

“Y/N,”

“It’s H/N, Dynamight. That’s the name you’ll address me as for when we’re on the job. That’s the name you’ll have to get used to because I will be a hero!” You exclaimed.

“You can’t be a hero Y/N! You’re gonna get hurt! You always get hurt! You’d be more of a burden on a mission instead of an advantage! So just stop trying ‘Cuz you’re never gonna make it!” He screamed at you. Is this what he really thought of you. That you were weak and wouldn’t be able to do jack shit? As your eyes began to water, you walked away from him in silence.

“Y/N...where are you going?” He asked you as he followed.

“Recovery girl. She’ll heal me up and I’ll be perfectly fine.” You simply stated.

“At least let me help you,” Bakugou said as he tried to reach out to you, but you only stepped away from him again, which made his heart hurt a little.

“Don’t touch me, Bakugou. I’ll be fine on my own.” You said.

“Bakugou? Who the fuck are you talking to teddy bear?” He said as he got all up in your face. You only rolled your eyes and stepped to the side. You used your quirk to get into the air and travel faster. In the dust, you left behind a confused and hurt Katsuki.

“Uhh....Okay! See you later for movie night!” He yelled out as he watched you fly off. You’d still show up, right? Yeah, you’d show. You always spent everyday together after school and work so it only made sense...right?

—

Well he was wrong. Really wrong. It’s been a week since you last spoke to him, the longest it’s ever been, and he was starting to get into a depressing cycle. Wake up, call Y/N. No reply. Get ready, spam her. No reply. Go to work, text Y/N throughout the day. No reply. Get out of work, go home, shower, eat dinner, do whatever while stalking your social media, go to bed, spam a little more, call twice more, and still. No reply. He misses his teddy bear.

Y/N doesn’t even go to her work study anymore. She’s been doing everything she could to avoid Bakugou, and he’s noticed it all too well. He still gave her the credits, he wanted her to pass of course, but he was also tempted to stop doing that just so she could show up and see him. Thankfully he didn’t.

Now here lies Bakugou Katsuki, watching a movie by himself again, hoping his crush and best friend would show up. But again, like every other night for the past week, she hasn’t shown. The end credits roll in and Bakugou sighs as he looks down, thinking back to all he said.

‘Y/N ITS SO OBVIOUS YOU’D MAKE A SHIT HERO! ... DO YOU HONESTLY THINK ANYBODY WOULD BE WILLING TO DEPEND ON YOU FOR THEIR SAFETY?! ... you’re never gonna make it!’

Bakugou flopped down onto his bed.

“Great idea Katsuki, tell your dream girl she won’t ever reach her goals. That’ll win her heart,” he sarcastically said aloud as he cringed at his own thoughts. Bakugou just let a few tears fall, before rolling over and going to bed. He had patrol in the morning, maybe it’ll get his mind off of Y/N.

—

Orrrr maybe not. Because here he was, Pro-hero Dynamight, following around his 18 year old crush as she walked home after getting some coffee from their favorite cafe. Should he have been on patrol keeping the city safe? Yes. But was he going to take this chance to talk to Y/N to fix this shit? Yes.

Once Y/N made it to her doorstep she heard a voice behind her.

“Glad you made it home safe..Maybe we could pick up on that trashy reality show now that we’re both here,” Katsuki said while trying to joke around. Y/N only rolled her eyes at the hero and attempted to put her key into the lock. Katsuki was quick to react though. He snatched her keys out of her hand before speaking again.

“Y/N please! I can’t live like this! I can’t live without you in my life. You’ve been absent for a week and it’s been driving me insane!” He said while holding onto your wrist.

“Katsuki, give me back my keys.” You calmly said.

“Y/N, just hear me out.” He also calmly said.

“And listen to you say what Katsuki?! That I’ll never be a hero? That even if I was I’d be a terrible one? That I should just give up and stop trying?! Don’t worry, I already have. So now, let me go-“ Bakugou shut you up with a kiss. You were shocked and froze up. He kissed you with such passion and you melted into it, closing your eyes and letting him hold you as he pleased. He speperated from you before speaking again.

“You are not a terrible hero. Y/N you’re one of the strongest people I know. If anything, you’d be a better hero than me...but if you got hurt, I don’t know what I would do.” He said looking down. You turned your head in confusion at his small confession.

“Katsuki?..”

“When you got hurt that day, I was livid. I almost killed that guy, just for scorching your arm. There are so many worse things that could happen to you when you do become a pro and the fact that I freaked out so bad over a little burn is insane! I just want you to be safe. I can’t let you risk your life when I need you hear with me the most...... I can’t let the girl of my dreams get hurt.” He said while placing his forehead on yours.

“When I become a hero, I’d be taking on an oath to put others before my own. And that’s what I choose to do. I’m gonna get banged up from time to time and I understand you’re worried about me, but you have to trust me when I saw I’ll always come back to you. I love you Katsuki.” With that, Bakugou slowly moved in to give you another kiss. This time, you kissed him back, letting your hands travel to his soft, golden hair as he pressed you up against the door.

You heard him unlock your door during the kiss, and as he separated he spoke.

“Let me show you just how much I love you Y/N.” He pushed open the door and continued to make out with you. Kicking the door to close it, he pushed you up against the wall. There he picked you up, and groped your ass, earning a moan from you. With your mouth open, he slipped his tongue in, tasting all of you. He walked to your bedroom, kicking open the door this time, and shutting it the same way as before. He dropped you onto the bed as you both giggled in excitement. You noticed something though. He was still in hero gear.

“Shouldnt you be on patrol, Dynamight?” You asked as he came up to kiss your neck and you pulled him in closer.

“Dynamight has something better to do right now, Teddy Bear. And you know what?” He asked while putting his face right infront of yours.

“Tell me what, hero.”

“That’s the exact name I want you screaming.” He smirked. He tore off his top and mask before taking off your own. He then attacked your breast. He pulled off your bra before taking a second to admire your perfect curves. He squeezed a mound in one hand before taking in the other one with his mouth, biting at your nipple. Leaving hickies all over your chest, he was proud to see the purple marks that now adorn your upper body. He pulled down your pants and kissed your inner thighs. Right at the center was his treat. He pulled at your panties and stuffed them in his pocket.

“Hey!” You said after you noticed what he did.

“My little souvenir. Don’t worry about it princess, I’ll buy you more.” He kissed up on your legs and saw your arousal glistening. He licked his lips as his ruby eyes dialated. He was excited. He took an experimental lick as you moaned at the feeling and he savored the sweet taste. He could help himself, he dove right in for more. As his tongue lapped up against your clit, you moaned out in pleasure.

“Mm...yess Suki! Oh fuck right there..” you said as you pulled on his hair. He smacked your thigh, receiving a yelp from you.

“That’s not my name, princess~” he smirked against your pussy. He stuck his tongue in you and you cried out even more.

“F-Fuck! Dynamight, pleasee...more!” He squeezed your ass in approval as your legs began to shake. He knew what was coming and used his fingers to rub against your bud.

“Fuck..cum for me princess, cum in my mouth and let your hero taste you.” He said as your squirted in his face and Bakugou suck your clit, collecting all your sweet nectar.

“What a good girl,” he said as he came up to kiss you, letting you taste yourself on his tongue.

“You ready for the main event?” He asked while giving you this cocky grin.

“Please..” you whined out.

“Please what, princess? You’re gonna need to be specific.” He knew what he was doing. He wanted you to beg. And you were going to do it.

“Mm..Please Dynamight! Please fuck me with your cock! Please fuck my pussy!” You begged. He smiled and smacked your ass.

“Good girl.” He said as he pulled down his hero slacks and stepped out of the material. Here he was, Pro-hero Dynamight and your now ex best friend completely stripped infront of you. His member hanging out with a hard erection and your eyes went wide at the length. He noticed this and tilted your chin up so your E/C diamonds could meet his eyes. “Don’t worry, it’ll fit,” he kindly said.

“Doubt it,” you sarcastically replied.

“Then we’ll make it fit, Princess.” You bit your lip in excitement. He pumped his cock a few times before placing the tip at your entrance. He rubbed his tip up and down you slit as he spoke.

“I’ve wanted this for so long princess, and now I’m finally gonna make you mine.” He said before he slammed in as you both cried out in ecstasy.

“Oh-oh my god..” you whimpered. He peppered your face in kisses to distract you from the pain. Once you adjusted to his size, you begged him to move.

“Please..more.”

With your permission, he began to thrust in and out of your heat, with hard, slow strokes. Both of you moaning as the sensation. The way he filled you up completely was euphoric. You wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him in for a kiss, moaning into it as he picked up his pace a little more. You could hear his grunts and soft moans as he sped up, enjoying the way your pussy held him tight.

“Mm...Harder, Dynamight...F-Faster..please!” You whined. Katsuki listened, and he listened well. His strokes went deeper, his speed increased, and he fucked you harder than ever as he went up to your ear.

“Yeah...you want it harder?...deeper?....Mm fuck, faster princess? You like it rough? You like how Dynamight fucks your tight little cunt?” He asked while you cried out in pure pleasure.

“Y-yesss. Oh my god yes Dynamight. Fuck me just like this...ahhh!” Bakugou grabbed onto your ass with both his hands as he pummeled into you. You gripped his hair and he moaned at the feeling. He sucked on one of your tits as he looked at you. God, you were gorgeous. The blush that covered your face, you mouth hanging open with a slight smile as moans fall from it, and your eyes looking up like you’ve been fucked stupid.

“Oh..I’m gonna cum! Please, I’m gonna cum!” You moaned out.

“Not yet Teddy bear. Hold it,” he said as he gave your ass a hard smack and pulled out of you. You whined at the loss of his cock and looked at him with begging eyes.

“Turn around princess. I want you on all fours.” He simply said as he continued to pump his cock.” You moaned at the sight of it and smirked to yourself. He watched as you dragged your hand to your center and began playing with yourself.

“And if I don’t listen?” You smiled as you moaned at the way your fingers rubbed at your pussy. Bakugou grabbed your hand and got in your face before you could go any further.

“Then the brat who wants to cum so bad will cum for me 100 times over as her punishment.” He said as a threat but you only took it the best way possible.

“Sounds fun..Katsuki.” With that, he yanked your hand away from yourself and flipped you over before slamming back into you from behind and smacking your ass again and again.

“Ohh fuck...Ah...you think you’re funny, huh y-you brat? Let’s see how funny you are when I fuck you so dumb the only thing you’ll know is my name.” He said as he pounded into you. Your cried were muffled as you screamed into the mattress.

“Don’t do that, princess, I wanna hear your pretty cries,” he said as he yanked your hair, lifting your head up. He grabbed onto your neck and kissed you as you both loudly moaned into it. He squeezed your neck ever so lightly but tightly as he placed his forehead on yours to look down at where you both meet and become one. He sped up at the sight.

“I bet you love this. I bet you love having Dynamight’s cock deep inside you. Can you feel me? Huh? Feel me in your guts? Feel my big dick deep inside you?” He asked as he looked back at you.

“Y-Yesss! Oh f-fuck...ohhh so big!” Bakugou smiled at your comments and felt you squeeze around him.

“S-shit...you gonna cum? Gonna come on this big dick?” He asked as his hand traveled to you pussy, rubbing at your clit.

“Do it! Do it now, cum on my cock!” You squirted around his cock and Bakugou continued to fuck you through your orgasm and you cried out, and your upper body fell to the mattress. His hands grabbed at your waist as he pounded your pussy. His eyes rolled to the back of his head and bit his bottom lip as he threw his head back moaning out.

“Fuck! Ohh f-fuck, I’m gonna cum. You want my cum princess? Can I fill your pussy with my cum?” He asked while looking down at you. You had little tears poking at the ends of your eyes due to the mass amount of pleasure and Bakugou came at the sight. His thrust stopped as his hips met your ass in a final push, while his cum went deeper into your pussy, filling you to the brim. You both cried out as he finished and he kept himself in there for a little until you both caught your breath. He kissed up your spine to your cheek as he pulled out and layed down next to you.

As he pulled you closer to him he could hear your soft voice.

“A-amazing...Suki.” You said as you nuzzled into his neck. He only smiled as he realized you forgot.

“I hope so, cuz we’re not done teddy bear.” He said while smirking. Your eyes went wide as you looked at him in shock.

“Your punishment. Remember? I want you cumming on my cock a 100 times over. I don’t even want you to be able to walk for the next week.” He said while looking you right in his eyes. You took on his little challenge and straddled his waist before pumping his cock a few times and hovering over it. He watched the whole thing and licked his lips at you.

“Fine then Dynamight,” you said as his hands traveled to your hips. “Show me what you got,” you said as you slammed back down on him releasing cries from both you and him. This was gonna be a fun, long night.

—

After rounds 2, 3, 4, and 5, you both lie on your bed completely fucked out as you held onto each other. Bakugou was contempt as he held you under his chin and thought you were asleep. You were only resting your eyes with a soft smile on your face. Bakugou kissed the top of your head before softly speaking.

“I’m so sorry for everything I said teddy bear. You are the most amazing person in the world. I just don’t want you to be hurt. I wanna protect you for the rest of my life. I love you with my everything and I really want you to officially be mine. When you wake up, I’m gonna tell you all of this.” Bakugou sighed. Now it was your turn to speak.

“You don’t have to wait Suki,” you softly spoke as Bakugou looked down at you in shock. “I already heard it all, and I want to officially be yours too.” You said while looking right at him.

“Heh..I thought you passed out,” he teased.

“Well then I guess you’re not as good as you thought, Dynamight.” You teased back.

“You tryna say I didn’t fuck you good enough princess?! Cuz I still got enough for one more round that’ll be sure to shut your mouth real quick!” You only laughed at his little outburst.

“I’m good Suki. Trust me, you did more than enough.” You said.

“You’re damn right. And by the way you were screaming my name, I’m sure of it.” He proudly stated.

“Shut up,” you rolled your eyes and softly spoke. You both gently laughed at the teasing and embraced each other once more, but this time a little tighter.

After a few peaceful moments of silence, you heard him speak up.

“So..you’re being serious about really wanting to be mine..right?” Bakugou asked with worry laced in his voice.

“Of course I’m serious Suki. I don’t wanna be anybody else’s but yours.” You said in the cutest voice. Bakugou blushed at the confession.

“Ok then teddy bear. You’re mine now, and I’m never gonna let you go again.” He whispered. “I love you Y/N.”

“I love you too Suki.”

—

“WHERE WERE YOU?!?? A BANK WAS ROBBED, MULTIPLE PEOPLE WERE MUGGED, AND 2 VILLAIN BRAWLS BROKE OUT ON YOUR PATROL MAN!! ARE YOU GOOD?!?” Red riot screamed into the phone.

“Yeah, yeah I’m good. I’m great actually, a lot of good stuff happened on my patrol.” Bakugou said as he drank from his glass of water.

“Dude. Seriously?” The red head said in disbelief. What could possibly make up for all the crimes committed on his best friend’s watch?!

“Seriously. Gotta go, talk to you later shitty hair.” Katsuki said as he hung up the phone. As he finished cooking, he brought two plates of food to the couch for Y/N and himself. He had to carry Y/N there.

“What was all that about?” Y/N asked as she took a sip from her cup and turning away from the trashy reality show you both were watching.

“Just another reason why you’d make a better hero than me, teddy bear.” You awed at the compliment and cuddled into him. If only you knew how serious he was being.

Kirishima would know. For he was the one running around like a mad man trying to stop all the crimes committed due to his best friend being absent thanks to his horny desires.

A/N: YAYYY MY FIRST REQUEST! I really enjoyed writing this one and I’m sorry if it wasn’t exactly what you were looking for. I’m hope you enjoyed it tho! Feel free to drop more request for me to do!💗🧸

P.S. New series coming on the way!

[omg-imatotalmess]

Avoidance

Hey guys! So, this is for @thisismysecrethappyplace who tagged me in their writing challenge. I’m sorry this took so long to get out. I hope this helps you through your birthday blues. Hope y’all enjoy!

Pairing: George Weasley x Reader

Requested: Kinda

Warnings: Slight angst (it ends nice and fluffy I promise) 

15. I’m hopeless and awkward and desperate for love!

                                                              ---

Love was a funny thing. It had the power to make people do the stupidest things without even realizing it. It had the power to make people forget themselves. Love could completely turn someone inside out and set them on their head, and they'd be happy about it. You couldn't fathom it. How anyone could be happy about tearing their heart out and handing it to someone for safekeeping was a mystery to you. In fact, you thought it was total bullshit. Then you met George. 

Well, that's not exactly it. It wasn't love at first sight by any means, but sometime in the years you'd known him, it crept up on you. You hadn't even realized it at first. It had come on so slowly over the years that it felt natural. Then, all of a sudden, sitting in a sunny corner of the library, it hit you like a ton of bricks. You were in love with George Weasley. The boy who taught you to play quidditch, who laughed at all your bad jokes, who had been your best friend forever. Of course, you loved him. It was inevitable. And that's why you'd taken to avoiding him. 

You couldn't stand to be the aching, puppy-eyed girl grinning ear to ear as you offered him your heart. Never in your life did you want to feel that stupid. You also didn't like the very real possibility that it would ruin things between you. All you wanted to do was wait it out. Let yourself slowly fall out of love with him, and then things could go back to normal. However, George seemed to have other plans. After a good week of avoiding him, he finally caught up to you while you sat in the astronomy tower. 

"There you are. Been looking for you for ages, you know," he said. You could feel him grinning at your back. 

"Uh, yup, here I am. You found me," you said, cringing at your stilted words. 

"If I didn't know any better, I'd think you didn't want to see me. Silly me, I didn't know we were playing hide and seek," he laughed, dumping his bag on the floor and sitting down beside you. In typical George fashion, he left a tiny gap between your shoulders but knocked your knees together as he sat. It was friendly. You wished it wasn't. Then you hated yourself for wishing that. 

"Yeah, silly you," you said. 

"C'mon, don't tell me you're really avoiding me." His tone was still teasing, but you could hear the tightness beginning to form. 

"Well..." you began. 

"What? Why? Is it because Fred and I let you take the fall for that prank on Snape? Because I feel terrible about that, and I really am sorry," he said. 

"I am still kinda mad about that," you muttered to yourself.

"Does that mean you're avoiding Fred, too?" he asked, looking very much like he hoped the answer was yes. Just for the safety of knowing it wasn't just him. 

Things would have been so much easier if he didn't turn those big brown eyes on you. When he looked like that, you could see how devastatingly handsome he was even with that wounded look on his face. You hated it. The last thing you'd ever wanted to do was hurt him. How the hell were you supposed to explain to your best friend that you fell in love with him and wished you hadn't? You had the feeling that it would come out wrong if you tried anyway. You looked away. 

"You're not." It was a statement. 

"Well, no, not exactly," you mumbled. 

"What's the matter? Did I do something wrong?" he asked. 

"No!" you said, just a little too loud. "No, of course not." 

"You don't exactly go around ignoring your best friend without a good reason. Especially not you. Unless you forgot how to speak English or something. Even then, I bet you'd still come mess with me just because you knew I wouldn't understand you. You'd get a real kick out of that," he babbled. 

"George, take a breath," you reminded him. 

"What did I do?" he said, cutting off his rambling. You shifted uncomfortably, blushing under his gaze. If only he was just a little less endearing. If only he was ugly. If only you weren't dumb enough to fall in love with him. 

"You didn't do anything. I'm just being stupid," you said. 

"That doesn't exactly tell me much, you know," he replied, reaching out to take your hand. It was something he'd done a million times before. Your skin shouldn't have prickled under his touch. 

"No, I guess not. It's really not a big deal, though." The tingling spread up your arm. 

"Tell me about it anyway," he said, giving your hand the most unbearably sweet squeeze. It was like he had a direct line to your heart. That one little squeeze sent it into overdrive. You shivered, pulling your hand away and standing up. 

"I can't. Not right now, okay?" you said quickly. Snagging your bag from its place by the window, you turned to run like the coward you were.

"(Y/N)." Your name sounded heavy and tragic on his tongue. The whole situation felt like something out of a ridiculous romance novel, which made you hate it even more. 

"I'll explain it all to you when I get it straight in my head, okay? I promise," you said. While you never really planned to tell him about being in love with him, you would eventually be able to go back to normal. 

Taking one long step forward, he grabbed the sleeve of your shirt. His grip was so gentle that you could have pulled away if you'd really wanted to, but you didn't. Both of you stood there. Neither of you moved or spoke for a moment. You just kept your back to him, letting him curl his fingers into your sleeve. Eventually, he brought himself closer, leaning his forehead onto your shoulder. 

"Please don't ignore me anymore. It's only been a week, and I miss you," he whispered. You weren't sure you'd ever heard him so quiet. 

"George-"

"Please? I'd really rather you talk this through even if I don't have a clue what you're on about," he said. 

Jesus, having him so close you could damn near hear his voice inside your head was painful. So was the thought of walking away. George was your best friend. He deserved an explanation. It was cruel of you to do this to him when he didn't do anything wrong. You just weren't sure how to start. 

"I'm hopeless and awkward and desperate for love!" you blurted. Well, that was one way to do it. 

"You're in love?" he asked, somehow sounding more upset. 

"That seems to be what came out of my mouth," you said. 

"You're in love," he said again. This time it was more to himself. 

"Yeah," you sighed, turning to him. You rubbed the back of your neck awkwardly, feeling your cheeks flushing with heat. This wasn't a conversation you really wanted to have. He'd reject you in that sweet yet joking way only he could pull off, and you'd have to pretend to be okay with it, and things would be so much worse. If the castle was capable of swallowing you whole, you wished it would. 

"With who?" 

"Excuse me?" 

"Who is it?" 

"Who... am I in love with?" you asked. Oh no. Oh god. George, that sweet, stupid boy. He didn't get it. 

"Do I know them?" he asked. A frown pulled at the corners of his mouth. 

"I should hope so. You know, come to think of it, he actually looks a lot like you," you laughed, suddenly dizzy with mortification. The whole situation was laughable. Completely bizarre. What could you do besides laugh? 

"Oh," he croaked. "Fred then." 

"Fred?" you asked, blinking dazedly. 

"It's alright. You could have just told me. I would have even put in a good word for you. We're close, you know, I have an in with him. Wouldn't have minded setting you up. Can't imagine why you didn't just ask," he said with a half-hearted laugh. He began to back away from you. You watched as he ran a hand through his hair and bit his lip. For a split second, you thought he was going to cry. 

"I'm not talking about Fred," you said. 

"'M not sure who else you'd be talking about," he said. 

"You dense--" you muttered. Shaking your head, you figured you'd better give this another shot. 

"You, George, I'm in love with you," you admitted. It was his turn to blink at you. If the situation hadn't been so painfully awkward, you might have laughed at him. Half bent over with his bag hanging from one hand, lanky limbs paused mid-movement and sticking out at odd angles.

"Me? You really mean that? Me, as in George Weasley?" he asked. 

"You know a lot of other George Weasleys?" 

"Me! You're in love with me!" he hooted. A grin cracked across his face as he dropped his bag and swept you up in his arms. 

"I'll assume it's reciprocated then," you said as he crushed you against his chest. He laughed. It sounded a lot like years worth of built-up worry finally being released—a wonderfully contagious sound. A smile pulled at your mouth, and you buried your face in his chest. 

In lieu of an actual answer, he pulled you up, so your feet dangled off the floor and kissed you. You'd thought about George kissing you a thousand times, but you never imagined it would be like this. He kissed you like it was the only thing he'd ever wanted to do. Despite the enthusiasm that you could feel emanating from every pore, he was gentle. His mouth was warm, stretched around a familiar grin, and tasted faintly of honey. You wondered briefly why you ever thought about denying yourself this before  George overtook all your senses. Reluctantly, the two of you parted to breathe. 

"Guess I should have said something sooner," you panted. 

"Definitely," he said, sounding a little breathless himself. 

"So, I guess it really would be safe to assume you like me too," you teased. 

"I've been in love with you since fourth year. Glad to know you finally caught up," he said. His face was flushed a soft pink, making his freckles stand out more. You loved them. You loved him. 

"Sorry for keeping you waiting," you said. 

"This was definitely worth the wait." Smiling, you leaned in and captured his lips again. Now that you knew you were allowed, you weren't sure you'd ever stop. Maybe love wasn't so funny after all. 

@hufflepuff5972

[tibbinswrites]

Hiiiii! For the fic writers questions:

37. Promote one of your own “deep cut” fics (an underrated one, or one that never got as much traction as you think it deserves!). What do you like about it?

45. What’s something you’ve improved on since you started writing fic?

Hiii! Thanks so much for asking!

This got a little away from me so answers under the cut.

37. Be warned on this one it's an MCD fic, so please mind the tags. It's called Hallowed Ground and it was based on some gorgeous art (which is linked in the A/N of the fic). It's a Supernatural, Destiel fic set post-season 13 where Michael was possessing Dean and Cas goes after him to try and save him. And it doesn't go well. Hallowed Ground - Chapter 1 - Tibbins - Supernatural [Archive of Our Own]

It's been a long time since I wrote it but I think it's the most 'deep cut' fic I have (Aside from the Harry Potter fic where it's just about me wandering around Hogwarts). I remember being so proud of capturing what I felt at the time to be a very powerful and painful moment. I even made myself emotional while writing it. And a friend of mine quoted a particular line from it about grief that she said was very impactful. Which means a lot as she herself is a brilliant writer. 45. I'm sure over the years I've improved in countless ways. When I was 9 I won a writing competition at a local bookstore with a quaint story called 'The Beach'. It was a ridiculous and silly story with terrible spelling and grammar and I partially believe the judges only picked me over the 16-year-old competitors because they thought it would be cute and good press to give the winning prize to the youngest finalist. I've come a long way since then (and I'm in a contemplative mood so I apologise for the rambling). My first fanfic, looking back, was horrific mary-sue cringe where the main villain wasn't even present in the fic until the final chapter. Every fanfic since has been slightly better. In the basics of spelling, grammar and formatting, yes, but also learning how to craft a story. Most of my early works were relatively short. I found myself most comfortable writing dialogue and small character moments missing from or only implied by canon. Limited characters, plot only in the sense of where it fits in the canon story.

This might be the thing I've most worked on. A lot of my Supernatural fics are like this. That is my writing comfort zone. Getting into the D&D show Critical Role (and the game itself) however, made me want to try expanding to an ensemble cast and test myself with more long-form story, and gave me a fresh perspective on how to go about doing it. So I gave it a go with Supernatural in 'The Final Season: Home is Where One Starts From' and with Critical Role in 'Tangled Threads' and they are both the fics I've worked the hardest at, and the ones I am most proud of for the work I put in.

This is something I want to practise more, when I have the time and the ideas to spare. These feel closest to the kinds of things I love to read. And intriguing plot but focused on character and often the 'found-family' dynamic. It is this style I will likely adopt if I ever think of an idea for an original, non-fan fiction book.

But the more I improve and experiment with, the more I realise how valuable 'The Beach' was. And I miss the aspect of my childhood brain that wasn't restrained by what 'makes sense' or 'is realistic'. The ideas I so quickly and so automatically dismiss that they have been mostly filtered out.

Perhaps I should work on that next.

[bunnykawa]

don’t ignore me (kageyama x f. reader)

summary: Kageyama and you were together for a long time, but he became too much for you. You thought breaking up with him was enough to get away. Turns out you were wrong.

A/N: hi. idk what this is i got bored and wanted to try writing something. anyway this is my first time posting so sorry if it’s shit ahaha. i’m illiterate oops

warnings: 18+, yandere-ish vibes, abuse, noncon/dubcon/rape, choking, brief mentions of stalking, restraints, slight manipulation, kageyama is just mean and abusive sorry

You really missed the comfort of the bed sheets in your new home.

Kageyama paced silently across the floor of your formerly shared bedroom. It was late at night. He was getting restless as he constantly glanced at you sitting in silence on the bed. Your eyes were visibly zoned out, your gaze fixed on an empty corner in the room.

The desire to knock his teeth out and run back home was growing stronger, but you knew your strength was nothing compared to his and it was basically impossible with your situation right now.

"(Y/N)," he finally spoke. His voice strained itself trying to catch your attention. You stayed still, stuck in the same position you've been in for the past few hours with your legs hanging off the bed. You remembered when you used to love the way he said your name, but that was before he changed. You felt him approach you, causing you to flinch so terribly. He's always been bigger and stronger than you. It was a constant reminder back then, and it's a painful reminder by the zip tie cutting into your wrists that were forcibly restraining your arms behind your back, courtesy of Kageyama.

"(Y/N), please talk to me," he begged.

You don't bother to respond. 

When you had first met Kageyama, he was completely different. Although a little awkward and somewhat antisocial when it came to you, you found it quite endearing. Most days were spent spectating his volleyball practices and matches after school and arguing on what drink is the best to buy from the vending machine.He would even walk you home. Although you never ever told him your address, he somehow led the way to your house the first time he walked you home. 

You found yourself being more and more attracted to the dark-haired volleyball boy as time went on. All throughout high school, you would have said you were in love with him.

Then you two started officially dating.

You thought he was a little overprotective. He seemed to have a terrible temper. He just seemed...entirely different. The once aloof boy suddenly became super clingy. You were together everyday and when you weren't, he was constantly texting you or calling you. When he was angry, it felt like the whole world would end because somehow it was never his fault. Sometimes he became violent with you just to hold you when you cried. Your friends stopped talking to you all of a sudden. You lost contact with your family because Kageyama believed that they would take you away from him. He would get jealous of anyone and everyone that tried to get close to you. You only needed him.

"Look at me."

So, you broke up with him. You finally felt free after his presence overwhelmed your senses for years. You could finally breathe. Kageyama would no longer be there to pester you or scare you. You could finally make friends and go out as you pleased!

Except he kept pestering you. The calls and texts never stopped. The new friends you would make would suddenly start avoiding you, too. Sometimes you would even dream about his hands around your neck. You weren't sure if you were becoming paranoid or not, but you always felt like he was watching you from afar. One thing about Kageyama that really stuck out to you was that he absolutely hated being ignored.

"I brought you here so you would stop fucking ignoring me!"

You yelped in fear as he forced your body down on the bed with his clammy hands wrapped around your neck. You were forced to stare into his dark blue eyes that sent a chill down your spine, knocking you out of your thoughts. You shift uncomfortably because now you were squishing your hands behind your back. He was holding in his anger for too long. The frustration of not knowing what you were doing at all times of the day hurt him in a way he never thought was possible.

Your legs were spread open with his torso between them. If your hands were free, you know for sure you'd be grabbing at his iron grip for release.

"Don't ignore me! I just want you to speak to me again, (Y/N)," he hissed, "I want to hear you say you love me again."

But you don't love him. The words flashed in your mind over and over again. I don't love you anymore. You pressed your quivering lips together to silence yourself, staring up at him with wide and tearful eyes only to avert your gaze to somewhere else. The longer you drew out the silence, the more he felt his blood boiling. You need to love me, he screamed on the inside. We were meant to be together!

"Fucking pay attention to me, dammit!" he yelled, squeezing your throat a little tighter. You begin to panic. You try to kick him but your legs are restrained by his stronger ones. You just wanted to be somewhere far away. You left him for a reason, but he just dragged you back to your old apartment against your will.

And Kageyama couldn't help the fact that his dick hardened against your luscious thighs at the sight of your struggle.

Then he kisses you. Hard and heavy. The grip on your throat was weakened enough to let you gasp silently for air. Both of your lips forcefully molded together because of how he held onto you. No matter how much you don't want to kiss him, you have no choice. He finally lets go of your throat, only to grip harshly onto your thighs. You pull away from the kiss to inhale a deep breath that you desperately needed. You sniffled away your snot as you began to cry.

"Why the hell did you even bring me here?" you blubbered through your tears.

“Because we’re not finished! You weren’t supposed to fucking leave me,” he growled through clenched teeth. Kageyama looked down at your crying face in disdain, but also with a new fire igniting behind his eyes as well as in his groin. He hated seeing you cry, but he also loved seeing you like this. The battle in his head of whether or not he should comfort you is fully overtaken by the fact that he was so upset because of you leaving him.

He ignores your cries as he lifts up the ends of the oversized shirt you wore with one of his hands. He smiled a little at your usual pajamas; a big shirt and cotton panties. Just like how you used to sleep with him.

You shift uncomfortably at the small smile on his face. “There’s nothing to finish. We’re over with. You need to understand that!”

"You've been ignoring me," he mutters, “How can I understand if you won’t even reply to any of my messages or calls?” You felt so exposed and vulnerable. Whatever he wanted to do, he could do it to you.

“You already know why I left." Your voice was so hoarse. "I have a reason for everything." He grabbed onto your throat again with one hand while the other hand sneaked below your vision to remove your panties, exposing your cunt to the cold air of the room. The shiver that moves throughout you makes your face hot with embarrassment.

"Don't you know how much I love you?" His question almost distracts you from the way his two fingers suddenly started dancing on your clit dangerously.

"Do you even care at all? I haven't stopped thinking about you ever since you left me here alone," he says with a quiver in his tone. It hurt entering the apartment to find your things missing and having to sleep alone that first night.

He rubbed over your slit, hoping to elicit a physical reaction out of you. He missed how soft your skin felt beneath him. Especially how you shook beneath him just from his small touches. He dips his fingers into your entrance. Although you weren't as wet as he wanted, he didn't hesitate to push them further into you.

"Kageyama," you gasped in horror. You cringed when he started to move his fingers in and out of you. You were angry, scared, upset, and unbelievably uncomfortable, but you didn't have the strength to stop him from assaulting your insides when your hands were stuck behind your back. You cried again, "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

He kisses you again. "It's okay, baby," he whispers against your lips, "It'll feel good. I promise."

"I don't want to."

"You don't know that." His fingers move in a way that makes your whole body crumble beneath him. He always knew how to please you. Your hips begin to wiggle and you hate how much it starts to feel good. You let out a moan that makes him smile. It makes you feel guilty for even seeming like you enjoy his palm crashing down on your clit carelessly and his fingers filling you up roughly when he's just forcing your body to react. "You don't know what you want. If you're not with me, then who will take care of you like I do?"

"I-I..." you stutter. Was he right? Who was going to take care of you? It has even been a struggle since you left him, but no. It was always suffocating being with him. Even feeling his long fingers inside you wasn't enough to distract you.

He removes his hand from your throat just to pull his own pants down. His hard length springs out and hits your thigh. "You're so wet already, too," he hums in satisfaction, "I'm here, baby. It's okay. Me and you are forever." You writhe from beneath him, feeling as if you were about to explode. You desperately try to escape his fingers by jerking away, but he catches you every single time.

As if to piss you off even further, he says, "I'm not mad at you. It's okay now." As if you were the problem in the first place.

"No," you spit at him, "You're being fucking crazy. It's not my fault." It was impossible to see him clearly through your tears. He positions his cock behind his fingers that were inside you. His gaze was so sharp as he stared down at you. He loves you yet you couldn't understand how he only expressed his love this way. 

He removes his fingers and places himself at your entrance. The view of your tear-stained cheeks and trembling thighs were so beautiful to him. He moves your legs up against your chest so he can see more of you.

"Let me go!" you scream. Something connects with your cheek. Then your head whips to the side and your head starts pounding. One side of your face swiftly becomes hot with pain. The sharp smacking noise echoes around the room from how hard Kageyama slapped you.

"Shhh, if you struggle then it'll hurt more. I'm trying to show you how much I love you."

And before you know it, he's filling up your cunt with his thick cock in one swift thrust. Another scream erupts from your bruised throat as he begins to thrust into you harshly. He grabs the sides of your face so you're forced to lock eyes with him. You feel him slide in and out of you, leaving a burning feeling in your walls. Gasps are forced out of your mouth from the force of his thrusts.

You wish you were somewhere else. Or someone else. Just not in this situation where Kageyama would be in full control of what could happen to you.

But you were so warm and your insides were so pink that he couldn't stop himself anymore. So pretty, he thought. How could he allow anyone else to handle you like this? Of course, you looked the best when you were only underneath him.

Kageyama's face is contorted in absolute pleasure. He's always wanted full control of you ever since he first met you. Seeing you with your pussy unwillingly spread open from his hard cock and your legs pressed against your chest so deliciously makes him feel so powerful. This is how it should always be. There's no way you'll leave him now. Not when he's splitting you open raw.

"Baby, you're okay," he cooed in a gentle voice, although it's useless to even attempt to comfort you. "You like it, don't you?"

Nothing left your lips except for gasps and throaty moans. The way he spoke to you made your chest hurt, but it was also leaving a burning feeling in your lower abdomen that messed with your head. You couldn't believe yourself. Why does it feel so good? Why is the one man that you hate the most fucking you in the most appetizing way? He lets go of your face to hold onto the bottoms of your thighs.

"Answer me," he demands. You began to cry out from the pain and pleasure of his forceful fucking. He's doing this because he loves you? Because he's the only one you'll ever need? He presses his forehead against yours.

"You love it when I fuck you like this, right?" he whispers gently against your lips. For a second, your focus entirely shifts to the feeling of him filling you up so roughly.

You were confused, but you couldn't stop your hips from trying so desperately to meet his with every thrust he made into your wet core.

"Kageyama," you tried to plead. You couldn't stop yourself from moaning out his name in bliss as he continued to move against you. It was impossible to stop the pleasure from building up inside of your core. You weren't even sure if you wanted him to stop anymore. That's what hurt you even more. Do you even know yourself?

"Tell me." He begins to rub your clit in desperate circles, making you arch your back in response. You feel your eyes roll to the back of your head as the pleasure engulfs you. In the back of your mind, you're screaming no. The man you were trying to escape is making you feel good. He was making you feel dirty. So fucking dirty. 

But you didn't even realize that you weren't crying from the pain anymore. You even ignored the soreness in your wrists from the zip ties. You were a moaning mess beneath Kageyama's athletic build. He grinned as your body responded wildly to him. It felt like he was claiming you as his again.

It was rewarding seeing you beneath him again.

"Mine," he hissed in pleasure, "You're all mine." He was in a euphoric state from the thought of you even being in the same room as him and responding to him. But the fact that he was actually forcing his hard length into your aching wetness right now was the best feeling in the fucking world.

"I missed you so much, (Y/N)." The tightening of your slick cunt around him made him groan.

You were disgusted with yourself. "Please don't stop," you gasp. Kageyama continued to drill into you in happiness. He knows you love how he's abusing your cunt and disrespecting you, but he was also thinking about how he could love you so much more after he made you his again. It makes him even more excited.

He suddenly started thrusting into you harder, the impact of his hips jerking you away from him briefly only to bring you back to him just as quick. A scream erupted from your throat as you went cross-eyed from how Kageyama was beating your pussy raw. He leans down towards you once more.

"Don’t ignore me ever again. Tell me you'll stay with me. Tell me you still love me," he whispers with an evil smile.

I don't love you anymore is what you wish you could say, but with your head clouded with guilty pleasure and your legs shaking from how good it feels when he's tearing you apart from your cunt, the only words you could manage to breathe from between swollen lips were "I still love you."

Kageyama couldn't have been happier.

[ice-cream-nekogirl]

you didn’t mean to say “I love you” (Bakugou Katsuki x Reader)

“I love you...”

“What...?” You asked incredulously, disbelief even in your expression as Katsuki just stared at you angrily, form trembling as if even he couldn’t believe the words he just said to you. But then his crimson eyes widened when he heard a snicker leave you as you chuckled and shook your head.

Summary: After everything that’s happened from the war with the Paranormal Liberation Front and after yet another brush with death, Katsuki finally tells you how he feels about you.

Pairing: Bakugou X Reader Warning: Language, angst, mentions of mental health issues, spoiler alerts for the recent chapters Word Count: 11.4 k

Happy early holidays y'all~. Been forever! But I managed to freaking do this! Let's see what else I can write out. :3 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fvj6PE3gN4o

You couldn’t stop the loud yawn leaving you as you fought your way out of a sleeping spell, because you reminded yourself that you couldn’t just fall asleep in a public park especially since you were out with your friends Izuku and Shoto, along with your puppy Taromaru. Whom looked up at you with a concerned little whine.

“Are you tired (Y/N)?” Shoto politely asked, just as concerned as your little puppy was because that was about the fifth time you’ve yawned, and yes, he kept count of it. “A bit… but that’s pretty normal for me.” You gave him a lopsided smile and shrugged your shoulders, even though that didn’t ease his concern, or Izuku’s as he looked at you with worried eyes. “Have you been sleeping well (Y/N)-chan?” He’s been one of your best friends alongside Katsuki, the three of you practically grew up together, and while Katsuki liked to keep his distance, you stuck by Izuku and gladly invited Shoto into your friend group and you liked to hang out with them. Katsuki on the other hand? As much as you adored your boyfriend, you knew that he preferred to be by himself and was easily annoyed whenever Izuku and Shoto were around, and with you especially. It’s been like that lately, but you didn’t get it, you just assumed Katsuki was being Katsuki. “Oh honey I haven’t slept well since I was in kindergarten.” You chuckled lightly, even though Izuku looked a little bit serious, and that made you sigh. “I know, I need to work on it… but honestly it’s just… a lot right now you know? Tests and… stuff… after everything… Guys… it’s been what? 6- or 7-months tops since we got out of a fucking war? And we’re still doing this bullshit? I just wish they’d give us a break but they’re not… makes me wonder just… how long and I keep going… in fact… sometimes I don’t even think I can… I can’t keep up with you guys… and that just… really makes me feel like garbage, worse than that… I just… if I close my eyes, I wish I could close them and skip through all of this…” 

Averting your eyes, you stared at your lap when you spoke up a little bit about how exhausted you were and how stressed out you had been feeling because it’s been too much for you. You and your friends literally survived the war with the Paranormal Liberation Front, and not everyone came out of it unscathed. There were things you were never going to unsee, your friend’s terrified faces, Aizawa-sensei’s prosthetic limb after cutting off his own leg, and then your Izuku and Katsuki barely coming out of it alive when the smoke eventually cleared.

You almost lost your best friends; you almost lost your Katsuki… There’s no way you were okay, and it was so hard to go to sleep at night sometimes when you thought too hard on it. It was so hard to even look at your boyfriend without thinking about the horrible, traumatic things he had to endure. Even before fighting Shigaraki. It was just hard, hard to acknowledge that you almost lost him. “Aroooooo…” You only perked up when Taromaru whimpered, nuzzling against your leg as if trying to comfort you as you looked down at the sweet pup, unable to help but smile at him and reached down to pet his head. “It’s okay (Y/N)-chan.” Izuku seemed to follow Taromaru’s lead as he gave you a soft smile, wanting to reassure you even though you were sad, he wanted to make you feel better somehow. “I… I understand what you’re saying, and why you feel the way you do… Believe me I’m… still trying to readjust even after all of that. It was… scary. We got out alive, but it’s almost like it happened yesterday… and I think about our friends, how we fought so hard just to stay alive and keep everyone else alive and-.” As he spoke, you put your arm around him and rested your head on his shoulder as a way to comfort him. Even if Izuku wasn’t the most expressive when it came to his own horrors, he still understood why you felt the way you did. However, you still knew that deep down his own suppressed trauma was starting to emerge so you offered him some comfort, and distracted him as he squeaked at the closeness and began to blush heavily at the feeling of your skin on his. “(Y-Y/N)-chan…!” “I’m so glad we got out alive… all of us…” You said softly with a little smile, that’s one thing Izuku was right about. All of you were alive, and all of you made it out alive. Just not quite the same, everything returned to normal, but some were still having nightmares after the war. Naturally, you gravitated towards the ones who needed the comfort because it distracted you from your own inner turmoil and because you were more worried about your friends than you were yourself. “(Y/N).” It was Shoto’s turn to say something, and you looked up to see him and pay attention, “Midoriya’s right. It is okay, but… it’s also okay, if you’re not okay. What you feel right now… it’s okay. Although… you will need to get more sleep, it won’t be okay if you fall asleep in class, or in a park…” Shoto knew how to reassure you, which surprised you but the boy was more empathetic than people took him for. And he made you smile because he was so understanding, that you felt a little more validated, glad to know that it was okay that you weren’t in the best spirits as of now. You picked your head up, giving him a nod and a smile. “Hee-hee… if I fall asleep in this park… I got you guys to wake me up don’t I?” You made a small joke, and made the two boys chuckle and smile at you, and Taromaru happily barked with a cheerful ‘arf’! “And we have Taromaru to be on guard for us.” Grinning, you pat your lap to gesture Taromaru to do jumpies, as the little pup leaped up and sat on your lap, earning a bigger smile from Izuku as he pet the small pup. Something Shoto couldn’t help but find very endearing, while he’s petted more cats before, Taromaru was a sweet dog, and he took a liking to the little guy as he gave him a small pet on the head. Only to cringe a little bit when he felt the little pup’s warm tongue lick at his palm. But this just made you and Izuku laugh out loud when you saw the look on his face, neither one of you seeing the light pink tinting his cheeks. And neither of you saw nor sensed that Katsuki was around and paused just in time to see you, Izuku and Shoto just talking about things, about how all of you felt, and then he watched the three of you just laughing and smiling together… He watched the scene with an indiscernible expression. He wondered where the hell you were at, and Denki said that you were with Izuku and Shoto at the park with Taromaru. Which alone infuriated Katsuki because you didn’t even bother telling him where you went and he had to have Denki tell him. Now you were with Deku and Icyhot? That didn’t surprise him, but it still bugged him. You’ve been doing that for far too long, and Katsuki began to wonder why them? And why not him? Was it because he wasn’t the best boyfriend sometimes? He had a feeling that had to be why, but it still bothered him. He’s known about your terrible eating habits, sleeping habits and poor health overall. You weren’t the best at taking care of yourself, he knew whenever you were down, and he called you on your bullshit several times, and even though you opened up. You didn’t open up nearly as much as you did to Izuku and Shoto. But why? Why couldn’t you open up to him? Why couldn’t you give him that kind of attention? Why didn’t you talk to him? Why couldn’t you confide in him when he knows damn well about what you were talking about too? All of you were there during the war and witnessed horrible things happening and experienced physical or emotional pain, so why weren’t you talking to him about it? He understood, he really did understand so why didn’t you come to him? These thoughts were screaming in his head as he narrowed his eyes, just seeing you laughing without a care in the world with those two, playing with your dog and probably forgetting that he even existed. He couldn’t take it anymore, he clenched his fists and sucked in a breath before leaving in a huff. You remained oblivious for some time until you and the guys decided that it was a good idea to get back to the dorms. Maybe a good nap would also help, and you had your Taromaru to make you feel comfortable too as you, Izuku and Shoto walked you back to the dorms. “Well… I’ll see you guys later okay? Tell your mamas I said ‘hi’ okay?” Izuku and Shoto told you on the way that they were going to visit their families, they had been doing that a little more as of late but especially after everything that had happened. Which you understood as they both smiled at you and nodded, reassuring you that they would definitely tell them that you said ‘hi’ as they both walked away and waved at you. Smiling, you waved at them as they left and walked back into the dorm building with your eager puppy following you with his tail wagging. Perhaps you should have gone home too, but once you got inside the building all you wanted to do was just go to your room and go to sleep or maybe just nap in the common room because it was closer. Maybe also ask Katsuki how he was doing, since you kind of forgot to tell him where you were going today. Not that you were obligated to but you knew that he would get worried about you and liked to make sure that you were okay, and while you appreciated how much he did care, there were some things you just didn’t and wouldn’t bother him about. Your problems were your problems, not his, he had plenty of problems and you weren’t going to drag him into any of them. So, you gave him his space, and you valued the space you had to be by yourself and just enjoyed your own company, or maybe one or two of your other closer friends simply because it was comfortable. You didn’t want to bother your boyfriend, and you knew that he preferred to do his own thing, even after everything that’s happened, it was just more comfortable knowing that he had his act together. Yeah that’s it, it made you feel better and less concerned as you sat down on the couch and let your puppy jump on with you. Time to either fall asleep or watch Netflix to fall asleep to. “Oi, Shitty Girl.” You perked up however once you heard a voice, Katsuki’s for that matter as you looked around and saw him leaning against the wall of the hall, hands in his pockets and with his signature scowl that made you smile a little bit. “Oh hey Kat… didn’t see you there.” Your tone was way too casual for his liking, and he hated the way you said it. You didn’t see him? He knew it, he knew you had been ignoring him. “Tch, I was standing here the whole time dumbass…” He indignantly remarked, but you just brushed that off as his typical brashness as you chuckled and shook your head. “Hee-hee, that’s my bad… but uh… hey I just got here, was gonna head up to my room but… don’t feel like it, I think I’ll just chill down here… feel free to sit with me and chill too.” It was almost a flirt as you smiled at him, but he wasn’t looking at you for some reason, instead he stared at his feet. As if he were trapped in the mindset where all of those thoughts were screaming at him to fixate on them instead. “Where did you go?” That’s all Katsuki could bring himself to ask you, even though he knew the answer because he was there and he saw you. Except you didn’t know that, and he bitterly thought that it’s because you ‘didn’t see him there’. “Oh… um…” The more you thought about it though, the more you started to feel bad since you normally did tell him where you went, but had started forgetting lately. “Nowhere really, just the local park nearby.” You shrugged it off though, since that’s where you liked to go there often. You and Katsuki liked to go there, just to walk around, but not as of late. Instead you went with other friends, including Izuku and Shoto and he was aware of that because he saw the pictures on your Instagram page of the places you went without him. “Did you go alone?” Katsuki knew the answer too, but he needed to hear what you had to say, hope for some kind of honesty from you, or just to get you to say more to him. Although you were starting to feel kind of nervous about his questions, and you started to wonder if he was feeling okay, but before you could ask, you answered his question. “No, no I wasn’t alone… I had Taromaru with me. And also, Izuku and Shoto had some free time so I let them tag along because I thought I could stand to get up out of here a little bit and I did, just to unwind.” So you could tell him that much? He wondered to himself, but just hearing Izuku and Shoto’s names and the fact that you were just so damn blasé about the entire thing and not even reading in between the lines was enough to set him off as he grunted aloud in pure aggravation.

“Deku! Deku! Deku! Icyhot! Icyhot! Icyhot!” 

He shouted it out, the two nicknames of the two people that he couldn’t bear to even hear at the moment and hearing them leave your lips just completely enraged him. 

However, his sudden outburst startled and made you gasp with wide (E/C) eyes because you didn’t expect that at all. And you had no idea why he just got so pissed. He looked so pissed, more so than normal but you didn’t even know why as you looked up at him with shock and confusion, but that just pissed him off even more. 

“DAMMIT!! You don’t even fucking think about ME anymore!” His trembling fists clenched at his side as he looked at the bewilderment all over your face. Unable to believe that you were that oblivious to him.

“W-What?! What the hell are you talking about…?” You didn’t get it, why was he so pissed off? What was he pissed off about now? Just because you spent time with Izuku and Shoto. They were your friends and you could spend time with them whenever you wanted. 

“Are you mad just because I was out with them?” You sighed when you assumed that he was probably just jealous as he normally was. “Katsuki I know you have a bug up your ass when it comes to Izuku and Shoto but honestly you need to grow-.” He seemed to drown out what you were saying, ignoring how much it was starting to sing but that didn’t matter. What mattered is that he wanted to know why you kept ignoring him. He wasn’t even jealous, or at least, it wasn’t typical petty jealousy, it came from a place of hurt. 

“What’s the deal... going to places with them? Telling them all of these important things...” He cut you off and asked you straight up why you felt so comfortable talking to them, but not him. He was your boyfriend, while he’d never force you, it still hurt knowing that you didn’t open up to him the way you could to other friends. 

But you didn’t know what the hell he was talking about, all you could tell was that he still seemed upset for some reason. “Oh... right, the park… well hey I mean... it’s not like the places I go with them to are places you’d even like, literally you don’t like the theater, you’re not a fan of the pet store and you’re not... wait, what are you getting at?” 

At first you were confused, but now you were starting to listen to what he was asking and what he was trying to get across to you.

“You’re struggling in class! And your health! I already knew but dammit... why don’t you tell ME these things?!” He was terrible with his feelings, but he thought he at least got his point across about how much he cared about your health and it hurt knowing that you didn’t tell him about anything you had an issue with. 

This you were partially aware of though as you almost looked ashamed for a moment because he was right. You had neglected to tell Katsuki about all of those things, both out of pride and out of shame, “That’s just because I don’t want you to worry Katsuki...” You said with a sigh, these were your problems. The last thing you wanted was to drag Katsuki into them because he’s been through so much and has fought so hard that you couldn’t and you wouldn’t just drag him into it. It was bad enough you made Izuku and Shoto give you the time of day over your dumb issues, you couldn’t do that to Katsuki too.

“Why?” But Katsuki still didn’t understand why you didn’t want him to worry, when he wanted to because you were his partner dammit. He wanted to worry about you because he cared about you, even if he had a hard time saying such a personal thing.  

“What?” You perked up with even more confusion when he asked ‘why’? Why what? 

“Why won’t you let me worry? When you’ll tell fucking Deku and Icyhot? Why do you let them worry about you? You just don’t care at all do you?” He looked away, fists still clenched and beginning to tremble at the feelings of anger and hurt twisting inside of his chest, and he couldn’t shake it off. 

Katsuki didn’t show weakness, he hated it, he always put up a strong front, but the fact that you kept these important things from him, but instead confided in Izuku and Shoto of all people, that hurt. And it hurt even more that you seemed more concerned about them than him, and opted to just ignore how he felt after he had been through the same things they had.  

“Katsuki... what are you? How dare you?! Of course I care!” You did care, of course you did, how could he even ask that? You were constantly worried about him; did you ask him about the things that bothered him? Well no you didn’t, but if he wasn’t so fucking proud, you’d ask him more. Except he didn’t, so you didn’t ask him that much because you knew that he’d just get annoyed with you. 

“You have a funny way of showing it!” He quickly replied, tone not quieting down because he didn’t believe it. He knew he had this ridiculous pride that kept him from speaking up much, but he still felt ignored by you over the past couple of months. After all Icyhot was proud in his own right, but that apparently didn’t stop you from going over to talk to him about how he felt. 

“Really? I have a funny way of showing it? Says the guy who’s ditched 2 of our dates and lets his pride and these dumb pissing contests with the guys get in the way of things. C’mon Katsuki, don’t be a hypocrite.” You almost got up, because you felt like leaving this dumb conversation. Sometimes you just could not with him, and right now you could not with him, especially if he was going to be this way as you shook his head, but Katsuki wasn’t going to let you just walk away from this. 

“I get it! I know! But… you don’t even talk to me! You don’t come to me, you don’t tell me anything! I’m not stupid! I know you’re not okay when you say you are, I know you’ve been pretending to be okay for the past couple of months, and I know you haven’t been okay since we faced off the damn villains! And then you… you fucking…” He seemed to struggle at that last part; he was well aware that he wasn’t the best boyfriend to you, but he wanted to make an effort, at least as of late. He made sure you didn’t stay up too late, and also made sure you had a decent breakfast instead of junk food, but lately he felt as if he’s just been getting nothing from you in return. 

“I what?” You shrugged your shoulders and raised your arms with an irritated look, wondering just what did you do this time to make him mad. 

“You... you got that damn dog!” Katsuki practically shouted, his tone completely incredulous but still angry as said dog perked up a bit, tilting his head in confusion.

“What...? What does Taromaru have to do with any of this?!” You were straight-up offended though, why was he getting mad at your dog now? What did Taromaru ever do to him?

“Stop acting like you don’t get it! After… all the shit that we’ve been through… I know that you’re not okay, you say you are but I know its bullshit… and yet you got a dog to make you feel better! A dog (Y/N)?! Why not me?! You should be holding ME at night, not a dog! It’s ME you should come to if you’re feeling messed up! Not Deku or Icyhot!” Katsuki went on a small tangent, pointing at himself to emphasize that he wanted you to talk to him, to come to him when you weren’t feeling okay and yet still you got Taromaru for emotional comfort and talked to Izuku and Shoto about your problems instead of him.

He was YOUR boyfriend, he’s the one you should be able to trust enough to seek comfort and company from, and yet you’ve been just ignoring him for months.

Finding comfort and company from others. Including from a freaking dog, over him. 

However, he winced ever so slightly when he heard a soft little whine coming from Taromaru and he saw the pup looking almost like he was sad. Bakugou wasn’t exactly as close to the dog as everyone else was, but while he didn’t like the affection you gave to the freaking dog instead of him, your boyfriend, it’s not like it was Taromaru’s fault. 

“Unbelievable... is your ego really that fragile you pompous asshole?” You did understand, but because of the way he was acting and because you were getting angry, you could only reply back with annoyance and that just made him even more annoyed. 

“Are you really that stupid?! Can’t you see what I’m trying to tell you, you idiot?! Do you really think that low of yourself? Or do you just not even care? Answer me that!” 

“Stop saying I don’t care! I do! I care about you Katsuki!” 

“Well I care about you too dammit!! Don’t you get that?! I know I can be a real shitty boyfriend and I know I have been, but… fuck!” He shut his eyes and shouted louder, seeming to be at war with himself until he opened his eyes and looked right into your (E/C) eyes. Eyes he had taken for granted as he took in your form, the parts he loved about you and the things he missed about you. The way you would smile at him or laugh, he missed that…

“(Y/N)… dammit… I love you...”

It’s not true…

“What...?” You asked incredulously, disbelief even in your expression as Katsuki just stared at you angrily, form trembling as if even he couldn’t believe the words he just said to you. But then his crimson eyes widened when he saw a small grin on your lips, a snicker leaving as you chuckled and shook your head in what sounded like amusement.

“Funny Katsuki... We’re not even half-way through our second year… I mean… no you can’t be serious… no... no way... I don’t... I don’t think that’s true...” 

Katsuki was the boy you loved, but you weren’t even sure if it was that ‘real’ kind of love that people liked to shove down your throat. Saying you didn’t know what real love was, and you started to think that maybe they were right.

So Katsuki couldn’t have meant it when he said the words to you right? You were aware that he had been through one hell of an ordeal throughout his entire first year here at UA, so you wondered if he even knew what love was. Or if he was just saying that due to the fact that he was clearly very emotional right now and that this was nothing but another one of his impulsive outbursts that he would just take back later.

“...”

Yet once the silence became uncomfortably apparent you finally glanced at him, and blinked a bit, almost wondering if you were seeing this right but you couldn’t even recognize the expression on your boyfriend. His eyes appeared to be glistening ever so slightly along with a subtle quiver of his lips.

That was definitely not like the Katsuki you were used to see.

Bakugou was not quiet. Not often. He was known for being loud, opinionated and honest to a fault, and he let everyone know it. He could be quiet, but this was a different kind of quiet. It was still, tense and making you increasingly uncomfortable especially when he gritted his teeth as if to attempt to keep his lips from trembling.

“So that’s how you feel…?”

His tone was different, it wasn’t the usual angry, gruff tone. In fact, he sounded like he was almost hurt by what you said.

No… “W-Wha…?” You didn’t want to believe it, was your boyfriend really that upset? You wanted to ask but the blond just swiftly turned his head and took a few steps away from you, and your eyes fell on his back and you flinched as soon as you heard the smallest hitch in his breath.  

“A-Are you… are you really crying?! Y-You don’t cry!”  You didn’t mean to raise your tone, but you were genuinely shocked. Not your best choice of words, yet still you couldn’t fight the shock, because you haven’t seen Katsuki cry since he was 9 years old. And based on the way his body started tremoring, you were starting to think you were right.  

“No!”

Katsuki only got more defensive, aside from feeling hurt by you now he just felt insulted as he brought an arm up to cover his eyes even if he had his back to you. God why was he so pathetic? 

But he wasn’t going to let you have the satisfaction of seeing him like this. No matter how much his body and stupid feelings were making him. He hated this. He hated that he was being so weak and then he hated that he was so weak that he was outright showing this much weakness to you. 

“H-Hey now… Kat…” You couldn’t lie, you weren’t comfortable with this, but at the same time you felt so bad for him, and then you were feeling even worse when it became apparent that he felt like you were ignoring him. And you wanted to say something and reach out for him, but as soon as he sensed you moving closer, he quickly backed away and glared at you with flushed cheeks and tears in his eyes.

“Dumbass!! Dammit (Y/N) you… you’re such an idiot!!”

He shouted at you, voice cracking slightly through his anger, and he quickly turned away to storm off away from you in a huff as he took off in a fast dash while you could only watch him with wide (E/C) eyes.

“Katsuki!” You called out for him, but the blonde left without another word and didn’t dare look over his shoulder as he just kept running. And you were left with your arm out in a futile attempt to reach for him as you just stood there with pure shock, confusion and guilt over what just happened between you and your boyfriend.

No way, you didn’t really make the ultra-tough guy, Lord Explosion Murder, up-and-coming rising hero Great Explosion Murder God Dynamight, Katsuki Bakugou cry? How was that possible?

Tell me I’ve been lied to Crying isn't like you Oh-oh-oh What the hell did I do? Never been the type to Let someone see right through Oh-oh-oh

“What did you just do…?” You asked yourself, even though you were also wondering what did Katsuki just do? Did he mean what he said when he said ‘I love you’ to you?

“No way…” Shaking your head, you fell right back onto the couch to massage your temples when you heard him say ‘I love you’ again. It just happened, yet in your mind it was still happening. The three words echoed in your head like a sad song on replay and you couldn’t bring yourself to change it to a happier tune.

Katsuki wasn’t the kind of guy to just be so open about his feelings or emotions. Crying wasn’t something he did often, telling you his honest feelings wasn’t something he did often. If anything, Izuku was the one lucky enough to get that kind of sincerity from him, not you.

You accepted that thought, even if it still made you sad there was nothing you could do about it, so you thought. “Katsuki… you idiot…” You wanted to blame him for this, for making you feel guilty about something you didn’t want to feel guilty about. Even though you did feel guilty, you felt horrible in fact.

Of course, you knew your boyfriend would never guilt-trip you, Katsuki never played dirty like that in anything. Yet you still felt like one lousy partner, if he was so upset about this that he blew up to you about it because he couldn’t ignore his feelings anymore and call you out on it. You were the one who usually called him on his bullshit, so having it be the other way around was far from pleasant.

A small whine interrupted your thoughts as Taromaru jumped on the couch to sit on your lap, looking over at you with what you believed was concern as he even licked your cheek. “Hee-hee…” Giggling a little bit and sadly smiling, you pet the puppy on the head.

“Taromaru… do you think… Katsuki really meant that? Do you really think he meant to say I love you?” You felt ridiculous for asking a puppy such a complicated question, especially about your abrasive boyfriend that Taromaru didn’t even get along with that much. Yet still the puppy responded by giving you more licks on your cheek as his tail wagged happily.

Snickering, you almost forlornly wondered if that was Taromaru’s way of saying ‘yes’ because you knew Katsuki wasn’t a liar. He was an emotional young man, but he wasn’t a liar, especially not about how he felt about others.

“He didn’t mean that… no… he couldn’t have… why me…?” You wondered to yourself with your eyebrows furrowed as you walked back to your room with Taromaru following you. There was nothing else you could do other than stumble over to plop down onto your bed.

You felt weak, still in shock from the three words Katsuki told you not long ago. It just happened, but that’s why you were still in shock that it just happened.

Katsuki had to be joking, but he wasn’t the joking type. So why did you doubt him?

“I love you…?” You repeated his words with uncertainty, muttering them to yourself as if you were trying to find some other underlying meaning to how Katsuki said it.

You can’t take those words back once you say them. Platonically or romantically. Which was it from him

“I love you…”

Saying the words with a little more thought, you wondered just what did Katsuki mean when he said them. Love was scary, saying it was scary, especially to your partner. You knew you shouldn’t have felt so hesitant about it but you couldn’t help it.

Maybe won't you take it back Say you were tryna make me laugh And nothing has to change today You didn't mean to say "I love you" I love you and I don't want to Oh-oh-oh

So instead of figuring it out yourself, you called your right-hand man and another one of your best guy friends.

“(Y/N)? What’s up?”

“Hitoshi I need your help with something.”

Maybe calling Hitoshi was a mistake, because he wasn’t the most touchy-feely guy in the world but he had a soft spot enough for you so you kinda hoped that he would tell you some decent enough advice or even reassure you with a pretty good interpretation of what Katsuki could have meant.

“He said that?” Hitoshi sounded just as shocked when you told him that yes, Katsuki said those three little words that even made him feel nervous as you sighed, nodding even though Hitoshi couldn’t see it, he knew you were.

“Yeah and like… I don’t think I reacted the way anyone would want someone to… I said that… I didn’t think he meant it, he got upset and then he just left…” The more you recounted what happened between you and Katsuki, the guiltier you felt as you cringed a bit when you heard a little tongue click coming from Hitoshi.

“What’s that Hitoshi? That’s your judgy tongue click I hear…” You muttered in annoyance as Hitoshi scoffed in amusement.

“Look… Bakugo’s not my friend at all, and I’m not on his side at all either but… yeah that probably wasn’t the best way to react to those three words… and to a guy like him? Yikes… his ego is so massive I’m sure that gave it a serious bruise.” He answered pretty bluntly because while he didn’t see himself partnering up with anyone soon, he knew that if his partner reacted that way, he wouldn’t have taken it very well.

“I now right…? God… I just… that’s such a serious word to tell someone… I feel like… maybe he really did mean it… that idiot’s been through so much… he almost died, he still has his power and all and is in one piece but… there was a moment where I thought… what if he didn’t open his eyes? What if he lost the power he’s been so proud of and… what if he wasn’t the same when he came back and just… I don’t know… I really just… don’t want to even go back to anything like that, even if it was months ago it’s like it happened yesterday and…” As you opened up to Hitoshi about how confused you were about what Katsuki said, you also shared how you really felt about him, and he began to think maybe that’s why you didn’t believe him when he said he loved you.

“Now I see what he means, I’m doing it now… oh my god… you know… I’ve been worrying about literally everyone else… except for Katsuki… I mean I AM worried, I’m worried about him all the damn time but… I don’t know… somewhere along the lines I just… stopped showing it because I have… SO much on my mind, I’m SO fucking worried about my other friends and I’m not afraid of them pushing me away so it’s easier to show them but I… I shouldn’t have just ended up pushing him away in the process…” But then you realized that you were totally opening up to Hitoshi about your problems, and that was another reason Katsuki got upset because you could do this to other people but not him? Well, he did too but you assumed he never really opened up to anyone.

“Hey now… it’s fine really… I mean it’s okay that you feel bad about it, but you’ve been through a lot too, don’t beat yourself up. Look… I wasn’t there when all that stuff went down but… I see what you mean and it makes perfect sense. After everything you’ve seen and been through, the idea of loving someone becomes scarier. I mean… you said everyone came back in pretty bad shape… I remember how you were scared as hell, so… while it wasn’t the best way to react, I don’t blame you for how you reacted (Y/N). But… Bakugo is kind of an ass so… I guess you can explain it to him? Maybe give it a shot… and if he doesn’t get it, just let me know so I can kick his ass.” He and Bakugo weren’t really friends, so he wouldn’t have a problem brainwashing him and kicking him where it hurts should he hurt your feelings in any way.

You couldn’t help but laugh at the thought, even though if anyone could beat Katsuki, Hitoshi can. Katsuki literally can’t keep his trap shut so you were pretty confident that Hitoshi could beat him, but right now, you didn’t want it to lead to that. “Thanks Tosh… I’ll talk to him. I haven’t done that enough so… I will… thanks again…” Sighing, you smiled even though Hitoshi couldn’t see it, he knew you were smiling.

“No problem (Y/N). See you later all right? But… I guess… call me whenever you need anything else…” He ended on a slightly awkward note, but you knew that was just his way of trying to act all cool as you snickered a bit.

“Of course Hitoshi. Back at you… thanks again.” Your tone was amused as he just scoffed before the two of you said your goodbyes and hung up. Only you were left with disappointment to no longer have a friend to talk to and even more disappointment with yourself when you realized how you messed up with Katsuki.

You didn’t mean to; you really didn’t mean to but it was hard. After everything Izuku and Shoto had been through, you were scared for them and it was easier to get them to open up somewhat. Or that’s just what you told yourself, you felt more comfortable worrying about them, and not so much with Katsuki.

He was so proud and strong that you didn’t think you could hurt his feelings. But you did.

He told you he loved you, probably out of desperation to get you to see how he really felt, that he wanted you and needed you and you just laughed at it and didn’t even believe him.

“Katsuki…” You closed your teary eyes when you felt heat pooling in them and wiped any that tried to slip away and quickly went to his number. Calling him would be much too after what just happened, so you just left your phone like that on his number and tried to get your mind off of it by watching TV for a few hours.

You were terrified. You were terrified of talking to him about it, terrified to apologize after hurting him like that because what if he didn’t forgive you? What if he really was going to take it back? What if he was going to break up with you? What if you hurt him worse than you thought especially when he was clearly still traumatized from the war?

The more horrifying thoughts came to your mind, the more you felt almost dizzy as you just stared blankly with wide (E/C) eyes and you couldn’t even hear Taromaru’s barks. Until his paws on your legs made you blink and return to reality as his anxious whimpering and whines became more apparent.

“S-Sorry boy, I’m sorry, I’m okay…” You inhaled and exhaled deeply, remembering to just breathe as you pet the puppy with a shaky smile.

“I gotta talk to him…” Taking another deep breath, you grabbed your phone, it was still on Katsuki’s number and you didn’t call him, but you did send him a message.

‘I wanna talk to you.’

Those were the only words you could bring yourself to text, and of course you didn’t get a reply back. You knew you wouldn’t but you still hoped that he would reply to you back.

Waiting and sitting on your bed, your nerves were quickly becoming frenzied when the seconds and minutes felt much too slow. You could only anxiously await a message from your dear boyfriend if you would even get one as you lied down on your bed, eyes still glued to your phone just waiting for a vibration or the notification sound to go off.

Taromaru lied down right by your stomach as if he could sense how anxious you were, and all you could do to soothe yourself was stroking his fur and pet him gently.

A sharp gasp left you when the notification sound went off, and you instantly sat up from your bed, throwing your hand to your heart in alarm as you looked to see your phone glowing. You quickly snatched it up to see if it was from Katsuki.

‘Fine.’

Your breathing came out in soft little pants, a surge of relief slowly coursing through your being when Katsuki did answer you. But you blinked your tired (E/C) eyes in shock when you realized that at least two hours had passed by.

Taromaru whimpered up at you softly, rubbing his head against your side and reaching up so he could lick your face as if he was trying to comfort you. Smiling softly, you giggled and felt a smidgen more courage to reply to him.

‘First floor when everyone’s asleep? Or my room?’

Nobody was on the first floor at night-time, and you couldn’t be outside the dorm building now that the school’s security had been doubled after the events of the war. So you would have to either talk to Katsuki in private in the comfort of your room or the first floor.

‘Whichever stupid.’

He was clearly still mad and you sighed a little bit as you replied with a ‘My room’, wondering if that was the best choice as you petted Taromaru for more comfort. You were scared when the war between the villains happened, so why were you so fucking terrified to just talk with your boyfriend? It shouldn’t be that hard…

Up all night on another red eye I wish we never learned to fly I-I-I Maybe we should just try To tell ourselves a good lie I didn't mean to make you cry I-I-I

The rest of the day was awkward. Even on the moments you and Katsuki crossed paths, neither one of you could bring yourselves to say anything. You both agreed to talk in your rooms and that was that. Which is why having dinner with the others wasn’t very comfortable because you could both feel each other’s presences when you were in the same rooms.

You had to ignore it though, for now you had to pretend in front of your friends and classmates that everything was okay and that nothing was on your mind. Just as you had been for the past couple of months, so it shouldn’t have been hard.

Thankfully they all brought it, except maybe Izuku and Shoto, but this time they didn’t ask about it since they had the uncanny ability to tell that this issue wasn’t quite like the ones you shared with them earlier today.

Although you ate as much as you could, your stomach still had butterflies because you were finally going to talk to your boyfriend after what felt like months. Even the small talk the two of you made wasn’t much talking, the more you thought about it, it has been a while since you had a real, thoughtful conversation with Katsuki. And that was why he was so angry with you, something that still shocked you but that’s what it was.

You just hoped that Katsuki had cooled down somewhat after the argument you both had today. Once everyone else turned in, that was your cue to just go back to your room, with Taromaru in tow as he followed right by your side.

A small, but sharp gasp left you though as you picked your head up to see no one other than your Katsuki leaning on the wall right next to your door, just waiting for you. How long had he been there? You wondered, but now you were a mix of nervous and relieved. Nervous because you could still see the scowl on his face, and it made you wonder if he was still angry with you, and relieved because he was really here and had enough maturity to come to you despite his visible anger.

“Hey Kat.” You spoke and gave him a small wave when you got close enough to him, and although you didn’t expect an answer, Katsuki surprised you by giving you a small huff in response.

You opened the door for him to let him into your room, and you also wondered how long it’s been since you last had him in your room as he took a seat on your chair and you sat on your bed. How pitiful. Katsuki wasn’t a perfect boyfriend, and you liked to complain about that, but this just made you realize that you weren’t exactly an ideal partner either.

But that’s why you were both here, to hopefully talk about it in a peaceful manner without arguing. Taromaru was here to ease your anxiety, you just hoped Katsuki wouldn’t be bothered by that, but he was more mature than that despite what he said about the dog earlier.

“I think a talk between us is long overdue…” You spoke up to break the uncomfortable silence because you knew Katsuki wasn’t going to do that.

“Now you wanna talk?” He asked somewhat bitterly, hands in his pockets as he didn’t even look over at you as you crossed your arms nervously with a sigh.

“Yes… we… haven’t done that enough, and… that’s partially my fault…” Now you lost the ability to look at him, and of course hearing you say that actually made your boyfriend glance over at you. “I’m not… trying to excuse myself, at all Katsuki. What I said earlier, I meant it… the part about my problems at least, I thought… by not saying anything at all, would make it easier on you. You’re a very busy guy, you’ve been through enough already from last year… it’s been a few months but… I didn’t want to just dump all my problems on you…” As you began your explanation, you fought the irritation when you heard Katsuki scoff.

“Yet that doesn’t stop you from dumping all your problems on Deku and Icyhot, and the other extras…” He reminded you with a small growl, the truth was he didn’t see it as you dumping your problems on someone, instead he just saw it as you opening up to and confiding in everyone else but him. Your boyfriend.

“I know…” You didn’t want to fight with him, so you didn’t. He wasn’t wrong either way, “I hate thinking that’s what I do… but I know that I… confide in them more I just… I don’t know, it’s stupid… it’s not fair to you…”

Katsuki’s eyes narrowed, he didn’t want you to think he didn’t WANT you to confide in your friends, he just wanted you to confide in him a little more, “Those morons are your friends… I just can’t believe you don’t even think that you could talk to me too…” He grumbled in slight embarrassment, even though he’s embarrassed himself plenty today by nearly falling apart in front of you earlier.

However, those were the right words for you to hear as you couldn’t help but sigh in slight relief. You knew Katsuki wasn’t the type of guy to just tell you what you couldn’t do. So, he was just hurt, but because you were the one that he felt hurt by. You didn’t mean to hurt his feelings like that, but you did it.

“I can’t believe it either…”

“So what the hell (Y/N)?” He gruffly asked, awaiting your answer so he could know just what was so wrong that you felt the need to hide all of your problems from him and leave him out of important things that he DID care about. “Why are you leaving me out of things in your life that matter?”

His question stung as you knew you had to give him an answer, he deserved that much and you couldn’t just not talk when you said you wanted to have this talk with him. It didn’t make it any less nerve-wracking though as you inhaled and exhaled. You didn’t expect him to take mercy on you but you could see a glimmer of concern in his displeased expression.

“Katsuki I’m sorry…” You began with an apology, knowing that he did deserve an apology first, “I’m sorry that I… I made you feel like I was ignoring you… I swear I never meant to…” Shaking your head, you braved up to actually look him in the eyes.

“I didn’t mean to make you feel like I didn’t care about you, I care about you… so much… I know it feels like I don’t, but I do… I really, really do and…” Swallowing hard, you had to calm yourself down so you could try and explain it to him.

“I just…” You sighed as you began, voice and figure trembling as you knew this had to be said, “I don’t feel like… talking to you about my problems is the right thing to do… to… tell you everything that’s wrong with me when… it’s hard… it’s hard enough knowing that you’ve gone through… so much worse than I have.” You averted his eyes for a moment, unable to see his slightly indignant look.

Maybe won't you take it back Say you were tryna make me laugh And nothing has to change today You didn't mean to say "I love you" I love you and I don't want to Oh-oh-oh

“Katsuki… you’re a proud guy. I don’t want to make you feel like… I’m undermining you or bruising your pride by making you open up too. Because… I’ve tried, and… when none of those attempts worked, I thought… it would just be better for me to let it be, and only give you what you needed when you came for it. I wanted to be… someone you could count on for a ‘pick me up’ or someone you can hug when you need one. And that’s what I did, but I never… sought you out because… I didn’t want to bruise your pride by doing that, I let you have your space, as you let me have mine.” You explained as best as you could only the first half as you finally glanced into his eyes. His expression hard to read although his eyes were still narrowed as he seemed to permanently looked irritated.

He probably was, but you didn’t know that he was taking your words into consideration. He was pissed at you for closing yourself off, but thinking about what you said just made him remember that he closed himself off just as much, if not more so than you.

“I thought I was putting you first, by giving you what you needed from me and supporting you from the sidelines while I took care of my own things, did things by myself so it didn’t… inconvenience you. With everything that was going on, I thought that I couldn’t possibly bother you with anything going on with me, I knew that you wouldn’t just brush off any issue I brought up but… I still didn’t bring anything up, I wanted to deal with my own problems, I wasn’t going to make my problems yours… and… especially after what we have been through? No way… you’ve been through… too much for me to bother you… and… honestly that’s another thing…” Your (E/C) eyes dulled the more you thought about how the aftermath of the war had really impacted you and the fact that school hadn’t ceased to stress you out.

Katsuki was heeding your words, and as angry as he wanted to be at you for thinking that, he could tell that you really believed that you would just be a problem if you opened up about your problems. He was hurt, but now he had to take a little time to try and understand that. He knew he wasn’t the best boyfriend, he knew he had his own issues and that they had affected you, and that’s something you were afraid of which had inadvertently lead you to neglecting him.

“When… when you said…” You almost couldn’t speak though when you thought about how Katsuki said those words, a thought that made your face warm as Katsuki himself began to blush and grunt lowly. He still couldn’t believe he was dumb enough to tell you that…

“When you said that you loved me that just… that was really fucking scary…”

You were fucking scared. Fucking scared of the words ‘I love you’, because there was no way to take those words back once you said it. And Katsuki told them to you, whether he meant it or not, there’s no way he could take it back.

“Katsuki… I’m… fucking scared… when you say you love someone… and even if you mean it… it’s just so painful. After I almost lost you, I knew that… I did… I really did… l-love you a-and… when you love someone… i-it’s just something else you can lose… that war… really made me realize that… there’s no guarantee… what if I really had… lost you? I don’t… I don’t want to imagine it.” You willed your voice to remain steady despite the tears threatening to form as you inhaled and exhaled to keep breathing, something that didn’t go unnoticed by Katsuki.

“Loving someone changes things… it changes everything, after the things we’ve been through… and… it makes me realize… so many things that hurt and yet… I want that at the same time… God… it makes no sense but… Katsuki…” Biting your bottom lip, you wiped at your eyes to stop any tears that wanted to sneak up and fall.

“I’m afraid because I… I do love you too…” Your tears shined in your glossy (E/C) eyes as one traitorous tear dripped down your face as Katsuki’s eyes only slightly widened as soon as you said the same words. A little late, but still.

But he hated seeing you cry, he hated how miserable you looked, and he almost regretted making you talk to him like this. But he had been wanting to talk to you so he could make you feel better somehow and let you know that he does care about you and wants you to be okay.

“And I’m afraid of that…” Chuckling ruefully you tried to smile at him, but it was wobbly and weak as he scoffed in response. He didn’t want to be insensitive, but that was simply part of his nature.

“Because I’m a shitty boyfriend?” He asked you after your explanation, and you blinked some tears in bewilderment at his response.  “You know it’s true.” He hated admitting it, but it was true. He shouldn’t have acted like such a jerk to you and pushed you away like he had done before, because while you were still with him, you ended up pushing him away too.

He knew that it was his fault too though, “I’m surprised you’ve put up with me for this long Shitty Girl.” He admitted that too, because he knew that he wasn’t the best partner to you, but the fact that you were still with him even after all of that meant that you meant what you had said.

You meant when you said that you loved him, just as he had meant when he said that he loved you.

“I hate… feeling so weak, more than anything… I can’t fucking stand it… the Sludge Villain, when the league of villains had me… when All-Might…” As Katsuki for once began to tell you even more about how he felt, you saw him grunt and struggle to even say how he felt at his lowest when All-Might had to retire. Because of his weakness, because he couldn’t even save himself and it caused his hero to go into retirement.

“When All-Might had to retire… because of me. Then… when damn Deku… went after that guy…” He willingly let himself get hit, to save Izuku and you knew it. But you couldn’t even look at him after he endured such a fatal wound that you were glad hadn’t killed him. Yet still, even in that moment Katsuki felt so weak for being unable to do anything else.

And now he felt so weak for even showing you a little bit of weakness, crying like an idiot and complaining to you about you not giving him attention when he didn’t give you enough attention either.

“I’m so fucking pathetic… it’s not even your fault…” He grabbed at his hair when he thought he was going to break even just a little bit, but then he felt your hand on his shoulder as you gave him a soft, concerned look.

“You are NOT pathetic… and you are NOT weak… everything that happened was beyond anyone’s control… just because they happened… doesn’t mean it’s your fault but Katsuki… it’s okay to FEEL weak… it’s not okay to think you ARE weak because you’re not… you’re the strongest man I know…” Placing your hands on his shoulders, you looked him in the eyes to tell him how much you admired him.

Katsuki was visibly shocked, touched, but also skeptical, like he didn’t or he couldn’t believe you. “Yes I am! I-I can’t even handle it when you don’t give me a little attention even though I’m the asshole who didn’t give YOU attention, dammit! I just fuck everything up…!” He raised his voice, but there was no anger towards you, it was all aimed at himself. There was anger, anguish and so much self-loathing it broke your heart.

“I meant what I said… I do love you but… you’re also right… I had no idea where you even were. I had no idea if you were even okay, if a damn villain got to you or not… when it was all over, all I could think about is that if you got hurt… it would have been my fault because I didn’t do a damn thing to help you…” Katsuki recalled what he could even though he faded in and out of consciousness after the war had ended and he remembered seeing your face when he and Izuku eventually woke up.

He was so relieved to see you alive and well with a few cuts and scratches, but what if it were worse? What if you had been one of the casualties and weren’t so lucky?

“I hate this feeling so fucking much… I hate that loving you makes me feel like this… it’s not even your fault… I-I just… I hate the thought of losing you… I hate being scared of losing you and I hate that I’m a shitty boyfriend who didn’t even help you when you needed it…” He willed back the tears, but they still dripped down his cheeks as your first instinct was to put your arms around him, holding him close as you shut your eyes. Your own tears streamed down your face.

The smile that you gave me Even when you felt like dying

“It’s okay…” You said to him softly, but those two words were enough to send Katsuki over the edge as he pulled away from you even though he didn’t want to leave your arms, he felt like he didn’t even deserve it.

“It’s NOT okay! How is it okay?! I shouldn’t… I should hate that!! I shouldn’t… I shouldn’t be so weak and-!” He wanted to scream more, he wanted to tell you that you shouldn’t even be with him anymore and that you were right to push him away, but you weren’t going to let him.

“No Katsuki it IS… you and I… we’re NOT okay… you’re NOT okay… and I’m NOT okay… that’s why we’re here though… because I should have told you that I wasn’t okay… yes… I wish you told me that you weren’t okay but now I’m telling you… it’s okay… because… I’m still with you because… I want to be… I understand… I just told you that I’m afraid too… and knowing that you are too… don’t you understand how better that makes me feel?” You asked him, the fear evident in your tone and the mistiness in your eyes visible for Katsuki to furrow his brows.

“I want to love you… because I do! I don’t want to be afraid… I don’t want to be afraid of loving the person I want to love but… I am… and yet… at the same time I feel like… I won’t be afraid because you are Katsuki Bakugo. You’re… You’re Great Explosion Murder God Dynamight, the strongest hero I know, the strongest man I know, and… with you I just… I feel like I won’t have to be afraid anymore… how can I be afraid? When I have a man like you in my life?” You smiled crookedly at him as your tears continued to fall, body trembling because even though you were still scared. Katsuki somehow always managed to make you feel safe, protected and at ease despite everything.

You couldn’t tell what he was feeling, you just saw him looking at you with a mix of slight awe, surprise and other emotions you couldn’t read. Katsuki just stared at you, he heard your words and listened to every single thing you told him, saw the look in your eyes the entire time as he could see the love, fear and determination swirling in those (E/C) orbs. He didn’t realize how much he needed to hear that from you, he had been wanting you to hold onto him for so long and yet he pulled away from you like the idiot he was.

So hearing you, seeing you stay with him and tell him how you still wanted to be with him even though you were scared, it made him feel like a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. He hated being weak, but he loved being with you, he loved how you made him feel. He needed to be better, hearing you say that you loved him, made him realize that he needed to be better for you.

“Tch…” He scoffed a little bit, making you perk up when you saw one of his trademark smirks even though you knew that he was still afraid, like you were. “You’re not wrong (Y/N)… loving someone is scary but… you’re also not wrong that you don’t have anything to be afraid of with me around… we’ll kill our fears together.”

He declared with his usual determination that made your eyes well up with more tears, a watery smile on your lips as you snickered and snorted at such a phrase. “W-What are you laughing at?!” However, Katsuki couldn’t help but flush in slight embarrassment when you were laughing at him again, except this wasn’t out of mockery he could tell that much. He still didn’t like it though.

“I-I’m sorry! It’s just… that’s… another reason why I love you… you’re right… I want to do that… kill our fears together… you and me Katsuki.” Your smile didn’t fade as you took his hand in yours, and Katsuki promptly squeezed your hand, his own smirk not leaving.

“Good.” He sounded satisfied, but mostly relieved. Relieved that you and him were okay, or that you were at least going to be together since neither one of you wanted to end this despite the issues that sprung up.

“Katsuki…”

But then he froze up as soon as he suddenly felt you loosen your grip on his hand, and he grunted and nearly exclaimed in shock when you threw your arms around him in the tightest hug he’s felt from you.

We fall apart as it gets dark I'm in your arms in Central Park There's nothing you could do or say I can't escape the way, I love you I don't want to, but I love you Oh-oh-oh

“I love you Katsuki…” You whispered quietly as your tears silently fell. The fear was lingering, but  still made you feel safe enough that you held onto him tight. Unwilling to let go as Katsuki returned the gesture by embracing you just as tightly.

God, he didn’t know how scared he was to lose you until he thought of the worst that could have happened. He was still scared, still afraid to lose you and to love you even though he did love you. He really loved you.

“I love you too (Y/N)…” He said the three words to you again, and your tear-filled (E/C) eyes widened when you heard them again. Your heart pounding as they made you feel less afraid and more at peace as you warmly smiled, resting your head into his shoulders and softly smiling even as you felt your own shoulder growing wet from his tears.

You knew it. You truly did love Katsuki, even if you were afraid of the fact that you loved him. And you figured out that Katsuki was afraid of that fact as well. He loved you, it’s why he told you the words even if he didn’t want to.

He knew he had to because it was true, he loved you. It just freaked him out that he did, that he loved someone.

Yet Katsuki wasn’t going to change those feelings, he loved you and he was willing to face that fear if it meant getting to love you the way he did. And you were too, you didn’t want to stop loving him even though you were scared. At least you and Katsuki would be scared together.

“Aroooo~.”

But the two of you opened your eyes when you remembered that Taromaru was still here, resting at the foot of your bed and having woken up from his little nap. You couldn’t help but giggle a bit, even becoming aware of how dark it had gotten and how late it was. Or maybe it wasn’t late, but still you felt sleepy after those tears and emotionally opening up to your boyfriend.

“Taromaru has the right idea… Kat… spend the night here?” You asked him with those puppy dog eyes that annoyed Katsuki as he scoffed, but like hell he was going back to his room. He wanted to be with you.

“Duh. I’m not going anywhere…” He reminded you with a soft little smirk that made you blush warmly and grin at him. This was good, you felt so much better to be with him after you and him talked together and cried together and opened up about your fears of loving each other. And that the two of you would keep working this out together, overcome more fears together as partners.

Finally, you felt like you could sleep comfortably tonight as you were lying down in your bed, Katsuki’s arms were around you as the two of you spooned and cuddled, Taromaru still at the foot of your bed.

“I love you…” You repeated the words to him softly, the words you were still afraid of but because of Katsuki you felt brave enough to tell him that you loved him regardless of your fears. And Katsuki knew it was scary, but still, he wanted to love you, and he knew you wanted to love him too, so he wasn’t going to let a little fear stop him from telling you.

“I love you too.”

[thesimperiuscurse]

08.04

It’s The Kingston Legacy’s sixth anniversary, so here’s a throwback post to celebrate! Last month I forced myself to reread the entire legacy, and while I stopped, clicked off the tab, and emitted a soundless scream of pure cringe numerous times (I wish I was kidding)—the past generations are actually not as terrible as I remember. I think enough time has passed for me to detach myself from the childish storytelling and look back in nostalgia. 

Thank you to my fellow Wordpress writers who have come along the journey, some for many years now, through every high and low. It’s astounding how much has changed in the legacy from when I was 15, and 21. Follow me down the (very) long memory lane, as I reminiscence about each story and my perspective on them now ❤

Generation 1 — Fern (2015)

To my shock, I found myself genuinely enjoying Fern’s story. I think this was because the first generation was purely me commentating on gameplay, and not trying to write a story (that’s when the cringe began). I was inspired by one of the original stories, Alice and Kev, to make a homeless sim and document her struggle for a better life: Fern, a snobby aspiring writer. Reading this, a huge wave of nostalgia hit me, and it reminded me of how wonderful Sims 3 gameplay is. Although I’m long past it now, there’s real heart and life in the design. I think it speaks about the rich personalities and quirks that I could write a whole life story off it. It was super fun making Fern camp out at Old Pier Beach, stealing from townie picnics and roasting apples on the fire, finding little ways to scrounge money, giving her a makeover in the salon, watching the townie dramas unfold around her. Although she faced homelessness two times and a shitty first husband (yeah, fuck off, Xander), Fern grew into a strong and independent yet sweet and gentle character, in love with the ocean like her great-granddaughter comes to be.  

I never actually addressed this, but she (and her love Christopher) passed away in the story between the end of Gen 3 and start of Gen 4. It just felt weird to make it a big deal because they never died in game—still ‘alive’ and well, scattered across different backup saves and the bin.  

Generation 2 — Briar (2015)

Briar’s story was strange, because it was half gameplay and half story, which meant that there were things that just did not... make... sense. She was quite an ‘unreliable’ character to follow because of her Insane trait. The plot revolved around her as a fresh detective, investigating supernatural phenomena in Sunset Valley. Her character arc was almost the opposite to her mother’s: a naive, optimistic, silly girl hardening through trauma into a cold and ruthless police chief. Ash’s death was the one moment I felt true sadness in this legacy, because he did really die. Imagine me actually getting emotional over my characters, lmao. Wild. 

Also, Max is OP. To this day he is one of the best male characters in my legacy, a healthy and supportive best friend (to husband) in stark contrast to the following generation. 

Fallen Angels — Cherry (2016-2019)

Yes. It’s this generation. Square the fuck up, Cherry. I will fight her any day. Old readers will know of my pure hatred for this story. It’s been about two years since it thankfully ended. My verdict now?

It’s not quite as horrifically shitty, Gabriel and Lilith being a lot nicer than I remembered (Gabriel’s only a bit of a dick at the start), but it still has glaring problems, such as the pacing and clumsy handling of sensitive topics. The story would have been far nicer if it focused less on Cherry and Luc’s relationship and their respective issues, more on the found family and her relationship with Gabriel (which was rushed due to me despising the story by that point). During the first chapters, I was cringing spectacularly at the combination of Luc’s initial jackass behaviour and Cherry’s whining. Toxic as FUCK. I had to skip 3.8 and 3.9 entirely. These two (because of my own shameful mistake) tainted the generation in my eyes, and even though all of the characters grew from their toxicity, I can’t really see past that guilt to the better parts of the story. 

Jade has been telling me for years that this story isn’t all bad, and upon forcing myself to reread, I can see what you mean. I’m sorry LOL. Something that pleasantly surprised me was the writing quality (just the prose, not the actual story mechanics... lmfao), and Raphael, who made me smile every time he appeared. Every single careless, sarcastic line of his was a banger. The pictures are something else I like, too. Many of them stand up to the best ones in En Pointe—the fiery, gritty, industrial tones of Bridgeport just hits different. The world was rich and immersive, which is missing at the moment in En Pointe because of me being too lazy to build a proper Los Angeles world, but Act III is set in Boroughsburg so I’m excited to get back into the city scenes. 17 year old me wasn’t mature enough to tackle dark themes, but at least the visuals for them were nice, I guess. The atmosphere of the story I really enjoy. It’s just the toxic characters and way-too-angsty moments that ruin the whole thing for me. 

En Pointe — Evangeline (2019-)

And here we are now! The early chapters are kinda painful to read because 1) Mako looked so ugly and 2) the dialogue was so clumsy and generic. I sighed in relief when Chapter 5 came around, because it was then both of those aspects really began to improve. Eva’s voice was simple, with her punchy remarks, much less romantic and descriptive than Cherry, so it was interesting to see her voice becoming more complex and layered as I more understood her character. Also, me visibly struggling with the natural lighting and only getting a handle on it 7 chapters later has me shaking my head. 

I’m already beginning to identify issues with the story, mostly with character arcs and pacing. It’s a strange combination of fast pacing (spanning half a year in 8 chapters) and Eva becoming surprisingly comfortable with Mako’s touch due to their unusual pas de deux circumstances. It’s curious how real life time actually played into the pacing of the story—because of the slow publishing schedule, less time has passed in the story as real life, so it’s almost as if the time jumps were made up by real life time, making the jumps feel not too strange. Reading consecutively, however, Evako’s relationship growth doesn’t feel slow burn... a little underdeveloped, in a way, despite their lengthy conversations. I think that’s because of Mako being such a reserved and mysterious character, and that I’ve unconsciously come to rely on Tumblr to give more depth to the characters/relationships. Luckily, pretty much everyone who comments on the story also follows me here, so this dual-platform storytelling is okay, I suppose. I want to post more of #Mishako since there just isn’t enough time to explore their bromance in the story!

At the moment I’m not happy with the story, but it’s fine. I’m learning. There’s more than half the story to go, which means plenty of time to reflect upon the issues and improve. I’m really looking forward to Eva and Mako’s character arcs in Act III. At the moment their relationship is based on their natural chemistry and respect for each other, and since they are yet to face trials their bond isn’t super deep, but Evako are still my favourite couple in the legacy thus far, and feel much more real than any character I’ve written before. It’s been very interesting for my aro ass (and being way more logical than emotional) to figure out a dynamic that is actually compelling to me, because most of the time when I look at romance I’m just like 😐🤨 I’m liking it so far but we shall see how everything unfolds, because I have barely any idea what’s going to happen beyond Act II, lmfao. 

That’s it for my incredibly long throwback! I hope it was at least nice for the OG readers, and interesting for anyone else who managed to battle through this essay, haha. This family has been an integral part of me growing up, as a person and writer and artist (what I’ve developed in visuals I apply to architecture), learning a great deal of awareness about real life through story research, which is pretty cool now that I think about it. I’m aiming to finish En Pointe by the end of 2022. I’m excited for what unexpected changes are to come!

[simpsiren]

johnny suh x reader

description. Being rich and having family problems was already one thing. Me lying about having a rich boyfriend will end up being another. I turned to the guy who I thought would best fit the role and help me keep up the lie, only to have it all come crashing down on us when we began to fell in love.

genre. fluff, angst, rich kids au, college au, contract dating/fake dating au, strangers to lovers au

word count. 8.7k~

warnings. nonee

a/n. honestly this idea is such a cliche but i wanted to write a story where the reader is rich and all and to have a major arch HAHA but other than that this story is hella long so bUckLe uP and enjoyy :D

I sat there at the family table that was filled with nothing but the sound of cutlery clanging against the plates as everyone ate breakfast in silence. It was my father who finally spoke up first with a, “We’re going to a party this Friday.” No one replied. Father exhaled sharply and placed his cutlery on the plate, bringing is hand up and interlocking his fingers.

“Sumi.” Father called out my name. I sighed and lifted my head up from the food I’ve yet to finish. “Bring your boyfriend. It would be nice to meet him for the first time and make sure you have a promising one.”

I gulped as I nodded slowly. “Yes, father.” I replied quietly as I bit the inside of my cheek.

As I took another bite, I was squeezing every idea I have out of my head. How am I suppose to get a rich boyfriend by Friday? The money that Father gave me to treat my so called boyfriend was used on myself and my own pleasures. I never bothered finding a boyfriend. Despite my parents knowing that, years have passed yet they never stop pestering me about it. 

“I have to go now.” I simply said, standing up from my seat and grabbing my tote bag that was hanging on my chair and went out the door.

You would think a rich kid like me would be wearing luxury items and come to school looking stunning and perfect. Well, not exactly. I drove myself to school. Father once asked me if I wanted a driver but I refused since my car was precious to me. The only other person who I could trust my car with was my brother, Lucas.

Speaking of which, I was about to start my car when Lucas suddenly appeared at the window screen, knocking on it. I rolled down the window with the click of a button. “Don’t-”

“Please ride me to school, Sumi.” Lucas begged. I groaned and pinched the bridge of my nose. “No.” I replied sternly. Lucas stopped his feet and whined loudly, practically having the tantrum of a little boy that made me shout, “My god shut up! Why can’t you use your motorbike?!”

Lucas puckered his lips and looked away for a moment before turning back to me, quickly leaning in and putting is head in the car.

“I might have gone racing with it and now it’s spoiled. Father doesn’t know so if you can quickly get me in the damn car.” Lucas cried out.

“Get in.” I admitted defeat with a sigh. “Thank you.” Lucas opened the door to the passenger seat as I started the car and began to drive.

“Didn’t I tell you to stop racing? Firstly it’s fucking racing you could get hurt. Secondly, it’s illegal and could land you in jail.” I spoke out.

Lucas kept silent for moment, probably not sure of what to reply. “You know we need the money. Father doesn’t simply give it to us. I earned one billion from racing last night. It’s how I make a living.” I could only suspire as I shook my head.

Being rich isn’t as perfect as it seemed. It wasn’t a privilege per say. Our family has been fucked up ever since my older brother moved out. Lucas and I have never met him before since he stole my Father’s money and ran away, resulting in his company to go bankrupt before when we were young. Because of him, my father was very strict on money. He wouldn’t give it to us with ease. Which was why I had to lie my way to the money.

I had to use the excuse that I already have a rich boyfriend that could “guarantee me a great future”. It was a terrible idea to lie because now I need to find my way around this and somehow have a boyfriend magically appear at the party.

“Make sure Father doesn’t find out about the motorbike. I’ll literally bring you in my room and kill you wholeheartedly if he knows about this.”

“At least I would die before I get a beating.”

I scoffed at his comment as the trip grew silent. After fifteen minutes, we finally arrived. I parked my car and the two of us walked in school. Just like every other day, a group of girls just had to surround Lucas bearing gifts and showering him with compliments. I felt uncomfortable nonetheless. Luckily, Lucas could sense my irritated aura and was quick to take all the gifts and shove the girls away, allowing me to speak. “Um by the way...”

“What’s up, sis?” Lucas asked while he greeted people in the hallway. “Do you possibly have anyone in your major that could fit the role of a rich boyfriend?” Lucas stopped in his track, making stop behind him as he turned around sharply to face me. “You still haven’t told Father the truth?” Lucas asked with a sigh of disappointment as I hung my head low and nodded. 

“I have the same excuse as you, alright? It’s how I make a living.” I retorted back as I reminded him of the conversation we had in the car. Lucas sucked air into his mouth that puffed his cheeks while he looked around the campus and observing any guy he saw on sight. Lucas’s face suddenly lit up and he gaped his mouth open and turned his head to me. “What about Jaehyun? Taeyong? There’s also Johnny.” Lucas said with a mischievous smirk. 

“You’re naming every guy on the fraternity.” I deadpanned. “So?”

“Are you dumb? Everyone in the fraternity is taken.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Not Johnny though.” I heard Lucas say with confidence, making me slowly tilt my head up.

I copied his wide smirk and folded my arms, leaning in slightly and whispering, “When and where can I meet him?” Lucas chuckled and nodded his head eagerly. “There’s an ice hockey competition tomorrow night. I’m pretty sure the frats are coming to the after party.”

“No need to thank me. I know I’m smart.” Lucas leaned in too and winked playfully. I laughed and punched him in the chest, making him wince in pain but soon recovered. 

“Could always count on you, dork.”

I hate it here.

The same phrase resonated in my head as I scanned my eyes over the party. Partying was not my thing. Never is, and never will.

Despite Lucas knowing that fact, he didn’t hesitate to shove a red cup filled with beer to my chest. I scrunched up my nose as I lifted my chin up to throw a sharp glare at him.

“Come on, get drunk once in awhile. Who knows, maybe Johnny Suh would come save you or some shit.” I cringed at the sight of Lucas downing the beer he had in his cup till it was fully empty.

I placed the cup on a random table and folded my arms while standing firm. Lucas was bobbing his head to the loud piercing music but soon stopped when he felt intimidated by the aura I was radiating. “Just help me find him, Lucas.”

Lucas drew in a long breath and held my wrist. “Okay, okay.” He groaned as he pulled me through the crowd, which was definitely not a pleasant thing when you have strangers bumping into in all directions. Lucas was smart enough to hold me close to him till we ended up in front of a random door.

“Why’re we here?” I entreated as I kept my arm wrapped around Lucas’s. He face palmed before pushing my arm off his and folding his arms while he placed his weight on one leg.

“Since you’ve never been to parties you don’t know this but this room is where the frat guys hang out.” Lucas jerked his head to the direction of the door beside us.

I blinked my eyes rapidly and I pointed my finger towards the door. “You don’t expect me to just go in and ask Johnny Suh, right?”

Lucas gave an exasperated expression. “Do I need to do everything for you? You’re so inexperienced...” With no time to mentally prepare myself, Lucas flung the door open.

The loud chatters that I heard when the door was closed soon died down as all heads were turned to us, clearly with raised brows and weirded out faces as they saw two strangers standing by the door.

I quickly hid by pressing myself against the wall with my head peeping out slightly to see what’s going on.

I definitely saw Johnny in there. But oddly enough, he was sitting at the corner of the room with two girls on both his sides, looking quite annoyed yet kept a blank expression to try pleasing the girls. Which, of course, worked all the time as they constantly swoon over him no matter what he did.

“My sister’s looking for Johnny Suh. Can he come out for a sec?” Lucas called him out. Without hesitation, Johnny stood up from his seat. All eyes turned and followed him as he walked out and Lucas closed the door.

Johnny turned around and saw me pressed against the wall. He glanced sideways towards Lucas before making eye contact with me. “I’ll leave you two to it then.” Lucas gave a light pat on my shoulder and left me and Johnny.

He turned around and gave a thumbs up. I was about to wordlessly signal him to come back but I was stopped when Johnny asked, “What did you call me out for?” He asked in a gentle voice.

I gulped, unable to meet his eyes as I tucked strands of hair behind my ear. “Are you drunk?” I asked. Johnny simply shook his head. “Okay great. Follow me.” I grabbed his wrist and led him to an unoccupied room.

I pushed him in and closed the door behind me. I could tell that Johnny was very confused as to what I was doing. I slide my back down against the door till I hit the ground. “At least it’s quiet here.” I mumbled under my breath.

“Are you going to tell me why I’m here?” Johnny leaned forward and placed his elbows on his knees. “You free on Friday?” Johnny raised an eyebrow in suspicion. “Yes but why?”

I took in a deep breath before saying, “Basically I need you to attend a party with me as a rich boyfriend.” I didn’t get an answer. Johnny only sat there as he stared at me for quite some time.

He pursed his lips into a thin line, racking his fingers through his hair. “Why me?”

“Because you’re the most suitable guy that fits the description of the fake boyfriend I need.” I replied nonchalantly as I stood up and shoved my hands down the pockets of my jeans. “You could ask anyone else.” Johnny added on.

I let out a quiet sigh and looked down to my feet before meeting Johnny’s gaze. “It’s just one night. On Friday. I need to show my father I have a boyfriend. Please.” I begged, walking close to Johnny and leaning in to his face, making him move backwards.

“What do I get in return?” I didn’t answer, looking around and taking time to think of one. I snapped my fingers and grinned widely. “Food. You can enjoy the food there.”

Johnny gave a mirthless laugh. “Food. That’s it?” He slumped his shoulders.

I shook my head vigorously in defense. “Free food, expensive food, delicious food-”

“You’re literally luring me with food.” He let out a half-laugh.

“Yes, yes I am.” I quickly admitted. I leaned in closer as a wide smirk grew on my lips. “But it’s working, isn’t it?”

Johnny exhaled sharply and rubbed the back of his neck. “Could never deny free food. But how am I going to look expensive, per say.” He lifted his fingers up and did quotation marks at the word expensive in the air.

I firmly gripped onto his shoulder and gave it a pat. “Don’t worry. I’ll deal with all that. Let’s meet some time to discuss about the other matter regarding this, alright?” With that, I left the room and closed the door.

I turned around and bounced on my toes, punching fists into the air as I finally got someone to help with my plan. I quickly cleared my throat and adjusted my clothes before squeezing through the crowd to get out of the party.

I flinched at the touch of a hand on my arm that pulled me away from the crowd. I sighed in relief when I noticed it was Lucas.

“Leaving already?” Lucas shouted, though it was drowned out by the background noises. I scrunched up my nose and frowned at the smell of alcohol that filled Lucas’s breath. I grabbed his wrist firmly and nodded my head. 

“Yes, I am. And with you.” I tried pulling Lucas out but was easily defeated when he stopped in his tracks and turned to a girl I barely knew. “Sorry, sweetie. Let’s meet next time.” Lucas leaned down and shouted to her before turning back to me with a cheeky smile. “Okay now you can drag me out.” I rolled my eyes and dragged him out of the house, once again having to deal with people coming at us every which way. 

We finally reached the front door. I pushed Lucas out before I closed the door behind us. “Finally.” I breathed out as I gasped desperately for air. It was way too stuffy in there due to the many people as well as the only thing that filled the air was the reeking smell of alcohol. 

“So what happened with Johnny. Did he accept?” I simply gave a lopsided grin with a lifted brow. Lucas nodded in affirmation as he instantly figured out the answer to his own question by the way I reacted. 

“I finally get to settle this boyfriend shit and continue getting money.” I said, me eyes practically twinkling as I envisioned myself doing all sorts of things with the money I’ll get from Father. “I bet the only reason he accepted was because he knows you’re my baby sister.” Half-shrugging, I opened the door to the car and jerked my head to signal Lucas to go in as well. 

The drive home was peaceful as I rolled down the window to feel the cool breeze blowing on my face. Luckily I had my hair clipped up so I didn’t have to suffer with tangled locks of hair. 

I dropped Lucas off at the west wing house. Just so you know, our mansion is huge. There’s the main house in the center, along with four other houses surrounding it. And those houses are huge. Lucas mostly spent time on his own in the west wing house, that’s why he’s always not seen with me and my parents in the main house to have meals together and such. 

I parked my car in front of the north wing house and headed inside, dashing straight for the showers, desperate to get alcohol smell off me immediately. 

Time check. Thursday afternoon. I did some research on Johnny and found that he’s majoring in Law. He has a class today which ends late afternoon so I figured of talking to him about the plan once he was done.

I was able to sleep in today since I didn’t have any classes or plans. I laid around in my bed for hours till the clock struck one in the afternoon, forcing me to finally get out of bed.

To my surprise, I met Lucas polishing his helmet in the lounge room of the main house. I decided to eat my lunch there with him. Bringing my plate of leftover fast food from the night I spent shopping, I sat beside Lucas and took a bite. “Aren’t you suppose to get ready to meet Johnny? He ends his class at four.” 

I took a quick glance at my phone to check the time. “I have like three hours.” I said nonchalantly as I let my body slouch into the bean bag I was sitting on. 

“You take three hours to get ready.” Lucas scrutinized me up and down, looking surprised at my words. “Quit looking at me like that. I’m not going to take long to get ready. I’m not in the mood to look fancy.” I huffed out. Meeting Johnny was my only plan today so I didn’t bother to look good if I’m only going to be spending a short time out. 

I hung out with Lucas till I was done with my food and realised that it was three and decided to get ready. I bid Lucas goodbye while he shouted a “Goodluck!” in exchange before I made me way to my room.

I didn’t take long to get ready since all I did was used light makeup and made a quick decision of wearing a white long sleeved turtle neck under a brown checkered vest along with a dark brown skirt and white platform sneakers. I picked out a random bag and shoved my necessities into it and headed out.

Thanks to Lucas, I was able to get Johnny’s phone number and texted him saying that I’ll reach in ten minutes. He was quick to reply and informed me that he was still in class. I replied back, telling him that I’ll be at the cafe beside campus. He left me on seen but I shrugged, not bothering about it too much despite it being my pet peeve since I knew he was in class.

I entered the cafe and ordered a cup of iced tea. I didn’t buy a drink for Johnny since I didn’t know what he liked and didn’t want to take any chances and waste my money if he doesn’t what I ordered. After playing about two rounds of COD Mobile’s Battle Royale, I heard the bell above the cafe’s door ring, telling me that someone has entered. Being too concentrated in the game, I didn’t realise a figure sitting in front of me till he knocked his knuckles against the table a few times. I looked up to find Johnny placing his bag behind him before turning to me. 

“You can order a drink first if you want.” I said with subtle smile. Johnny shook his head, leaning forward with his elbows against the edge of the table. “Eh it’s fine.”

I hooked my feet around the chair legs and pulled myself closer to the table, setting my palms faced down flat on the table. “Okay let’s go over a few things.”

“Firstly, I assume you have a suit because you’re a law major.” I took a sip of my iced tea as I saw Johnny nod and kept silent, motioning me to continue. “Secondly, the fake identity I came up for you is that you’re the son of the CEO of a well known major company in France and you earn money by renting out buildings that are worth millions. How’s that?”

Johnny didn’t answer, puckering his lips as stretched his neck by tilted his head to the side. “Don’t you think that’s too far fetched?”

I let out a ‘tsk’ as I reviewed it in my head, nodding my head slowly the more I thought about it. “But since you’re working in France I can make up the excuse that we’re doing long distance and you’re only visiting here for a short period to come to the party.” I said, adding on with a, “That way, you won’t have to do this again.” I gave a half shrug, bringing my drink in front of me and leaning down to take another sip, this time with keeping the straw in the mouth.

“That’s actually smart.” Johnny mumbled, snatching my drink and taking a sip, earning a raised brow and creased forehead from me. “I figured we should start getting comfortable now if we want to seem like a real couple to your parents.” He commented.

“You really are the perfect rich boyfriend I need.” I said with a wide mischievous smirk. Johnny chuckled and leaned back into his chair, folding his arms. “Sure. But I want money too. Not just the food.” A bright smile adored his face.

“I’ll give you anything if we get this done.”

Friday came with the blink of an eye. The party starts at seven and I decided to skip class today. Being rich meant that my parents don’t care about what I do, as long as I keep their image clean. I’ve always done well in my academics so it didn’t hurt to skip once in awhile.

While I ate breakfast, or rather lunch now that it’s afternoon, and scrolled through social media, I suddenly remembered one important thing I’ve forgotten to discuss with Johnny. I quickly sent him a text message.

[2:46PM] Sumi: wAit btw do you have a car to drive me to the venue?

I didn’t get an immediate reply so I simply continued scrolling through twitter. While reading the news, a notification of Johnny popped up.

[3:07PM] Johnny: I can borrow one, don’t worry. Just text me when to pick you up.

I heaved a sigh of relief and nodding, leaving his text on read and placed my phone screen down on the table and continued to eat while I admired the garden through the full wall window.

I spent my day peacefully by binge watching my show Netflix that I was two episodes away from finishing. Just when I thought I could accomplish my mission of completing the series, I looked at the time and groaned. “I’m too lazy to get ready.” After constantly whining and rolling around in bed, I finally got up and headed over to my walk in closet.

Once again, I didn’t bother to try hard finding something to wear. I only grabbed the first clothing item on sight that caught my eye, which was a dark blue long dress with skinny straps a low cut neckline. It had silver embellishments all over and because of that, it meant that I didn’t have to wear a bunch of jewellery to make it look expensive.

I threw it on and wore light makeup that allowed my natural beauty to shine through, along with a silver necklace that had a star hung on it and white high heels. I finally paired it with a white sling bag and shoved my necessities in.

I sent a text to Johnny that he can come to my house now to pick me up. He was quick to reply with an, “Okay.” as I made my way from the north wing house and to the main house where Johnny could pick me up so as to not confuse him with the complex structure of the mansion.

I ended up waiting at least twenty minutes at the pick up roundabout when I finally saw a car driving in through the entrance and coming to a stop in front of me. I saw Johnny in the driver’s seat and quickly went in the car.

“Can you send me the address?” He asked while I tried to get comfortable. “Oh yeah, sorry. Hold on.” Johnny had once hand on the steering wheel while the other was placed on his thigh. Sure enough, he looked high class in the grey suit he had, along with a dark blue tie that coincidentally matched my dress and hair that was slicked back handsomely.

While I was texting him the postal code, I froze in my spot when Johnny suddenly got close to me and reached his hand out to the side of my seat. I blinked my eyes as I tilted my phone down. I was pretty sure my breathing stopped for a second due to how close he was as I got a clear look of his side profile that looked nothing but stunning. I would be lying is I said my heart didn’t skip a beat at his little action as he fastened the seatbelt for me.

Once I’ve sent him the address, Johnny started the car and began to drive. It was silent for a moment until Johnny cleared his throat, making my gaze from the window and to him. “I’m actually kind of nervous. I honestly wouldn’t know what to say and all, depsite me knowing my role.”

I hummed and fiddled with the strap on my dress. “It’s fine. I’ll do the talking. Just be as formal as possible.” I advised him as a way to comfort him with a shrug. I tried to act as calm as possible to some what help Johnny feel the same.

Johnny turned to glance at me, noticing I kept looking out the window. “Should I open the window for you? It’ll be better an air conditioning.” I nodded with glee. “Thanks. I actually like it when the windows are down.” I said as Johnny pushed the button that rolled the window down.

The moment I felt the cold breeze on my face, I sighed in satisfaction. Though that feeling didn’t last long as my hair stared to fly everywhere. I could already tell I needed to handle my messy tangled hair after this. Breathing in the night air, I looked to Johnny who stole a quick glance at me. “I know, my hair’s ugly. I’ll fix it later.”

Johnny doesn’t answer as we finally arrived at the entrance of the party. Johnny’s jaw dropped at the looked at the huge and tall building. I laughed at his reaction and poked his shoulder with my finger, jerking my head towards his window. Johnny flinched back at the sight of a guy waiting outside the car. “Give him the keys and he’ll drive the car to the parking area.” I said and stepped out. Johnny stepped out as well as quickly handed the guy his car keys before running up to me.

“Holy shit this looks is so grand...” Johnny muttered to me. I chuckled as I slid my phone into my sling bag. Johnny then grabbed my arm and linked it with his. I looked up to him, twitching a brow. “What? Isn’t this what couples do?” He asked, copying the expression I had on my face. I exhaled sharply and pulled mysef close to him till our sides were touching.

Johnny suddenly turned around and looked down on me. “The hair.” He painted out. Before I could do anything about it, he leaned in and brushed my hair through his fingers gently as he got rid of the tangles in my hair. Once again I froze in my spot as I tried my best to hide the heat I felt on my cheeks.

“Okay, let’s go in.” At the same time, me and Johnny pushed our shoulders back and stood strong as we walked into the party.

“Can you not look so nervous? It’s scaring me.” I whispered while watching Johnny play with his glass of wine, swirling the liquid in his hand. I saw beads of sweat dripping down the side of his face. I decided to take a cloth from my sling bag and dapped it off gently.

“If we’re lucky, we might not even see Father because he’ll be too busy talking to other people. He might also forget that he wanted to meet you.” I didn’t hear Johnny reply. I look up from my drink to see him staring behind me. I turned around and my eyes immediately darted to the man who stood out from the crowd, suddenly walking towards us. 

“I’m guessing that’s your father.” I quickly turned around and duck my head low, thinking I would be able to hide but couldn’t since Father already saw me and called out my name. “Sumi!” Father called out. I placed a hand on Johnny’s arm and patted it. “Okay let’s chill.” I whispered, taking in deep breaths to calm myself down. Before Johnny could say anything else, I turned back around to meet Father with a wide smile. 

Father hummed in response, his eyes immediately going to Johnny and scanned him up and down. Johnny looked at me as if he was asking for help and I could only mouth out, “Greet him.” 

“Good evening, sir. I’m Johnny, Sumi’s boyfriend.” Johnny introduced himself as he adjusted his blazer and buttoned it up smoothly. Despite looking so nervous a moment ago, I was shocked at how well he was acting. Father gave a half-smile and nodded his head. “So this is him I see...” Father muttered under his breath. “He can’t stay for long since he lives in France and needs to resume work soon.” I added on, linking my arm around Johnny’s and glanced up to see Johnny looking as calm as ever. 

“Ah so what do you do in France?”

“Rent out my properties, sir.” 

Father cleared his throat and glanced sideways. “I’m guessing you earn enough for yourself?” Johnny laughed gently and nodded. “Of course, sir. More than enough me and Sumi.”

I could only hold my breath and I wondered how long this conversation would last. As Johnny noticed my nerve wrecking state, Johnny quickly spoke up. “I think you have some business men that are willing to talk to you at the back there. They came up to me asking where you were.” Johnny said swiftly. “Till next time, then. I hope you’ll stay longer here before going back to France.”

“Of course, sir. Have a great evening.” With that, Father finally turned around and disappeared into the crowd. Both Johnny and I let out sighs of relief and taking in deep breaths before looking at each other. “Like hell is Johnny gonna stay here any longer.” I muttered as I glared. Johnny laughed at my action and shook his head. “Now where’s the food?” Johnny with desperation, his head turning in all directions. I giggled and held his hand, tilting my head to where the catering area was. 

Johnny’s mouth gaped as open as it can be just like when he first saw the building from outside. He immediately dashes over to the dessert area. I adjusted my dress before going to him. “Don’t you want to have a proper dinner?” I asked, my hand motioning over to area where proper meals were handed out. Johnny shook his head with glee as he grabbed a few macorons and shoving it into his mouth all at once. I chuckled and took one as well, taking a bite out of it before grabbing a plate from the side and handing it to him. “Put what you want here and we can eat somewhere else.” 

Johnny didn’t hesitate to take one of every dessert that was offered, especially macarons in every colour. Once he was done, he turned to me with his mouth still full from all the items he shoved in. I nodded my head and guided him out of the party and to a garden.

Johnny and I sat down on a bench that gave a clear view of the night sky. Since the venue was up a hill, we could practically see the whole city from up here. I breathed in the night air and sighed in satisfaction before turning to Johnny who was still eating. I took one of the desserts and ate them. “Don’t eat all those by yourself.” I complained, letting out a ‘tsk’ after and rolling my eyes. Johnny offered a dessert and I ate it wholeheartedly. “If this is what I have to do as your boyfriend, I’d gladly do this all the time. Just call me and I’ll be there.” Johnny said as he swallowed what he ate and hummed happily. 

“I told you the food here is good.” I said with a laugh as I watched Johnny ate. He left a few desserts on the plate and placed it beside him before putting his arm on the back of the bench and turning on me. “Say... Why don’t you get an actual rich boyfriend? Why do you need to lie?” Johnny asked me with his gentle and sweet voice. 

I pursed my lips into a thin line, taking in a deep breath before answering. “My father doesn’t give me and Lucas money even though we’re rich. The only way I could get it is if I say I have a rich boyfriend and pamper him with money so that I can live a comfortable life.” Johnny gave a frown and leaned back into the bench. “But why not get a real boyfriend?” 

“Because I want the money for myself only. I’m not interested in dating and shit.” I said as I turned to Johnny, my eyes widening as I noticed Johnny looking at me intensively as if he was scanning his eyes down every inch of my face. He was quick to shale his head and acted as though he wasn’t looking at me. 

“And Lucas does illegal racing...” Johnny muttered as I nodded my head. I leaned forward and rested my chin on the palm of my hand, closing my eyes to rest them for a moment. I felt Johnny moving around in his seat, not sure of what he was doing till I felt a hand on the side of my head, guiding it. I looked up to find my head resting on Johnny’s shoulder with him looking straight ahead. He looked down on me and gave a gentle smile. “You seem tired so.” Johnny shrugged. 

“Thanks.” I whispered. The two of us sat there, silently admiring each other’s comfort. I closed my eyes and seemingly fell asleep as I found the comfort of Johnny’s presence and the cold air blowing on me. 

After awhile, I finally woke up. I rubbed my eyes vigorously and looked around, realising I was in Johnny’s car in front of my house. Johnny turned to me when he heard me sniffle. “You were asleep for quite some time, miss.” Johnny said, moving towards me and once again getting extremely close to me as he released the seatbelt on me. I cleared my throat. I noticed Johnny didn’t have his blazer on him. I looked down and saw that it covered me like a blanket. “You can keep it. It must be cold outside. Quickly get in and sleep, alright?”

I nodded my head and got out of the car. Before turning away and walking in, I bent down slightly to meet Johnny’s eyes. “Thank you.” I said out loud, despite knowing Johnny couldn’t hear me through the window. He bowed his head before starting the car and driving away. I watched the back of the car till it was out of sight. 

I got in and did my usual routine of washing up. As I got into bed and started playing with my phone, my eyes slowly went to Johnny’s blazer that was sitting at the edge of my bed. I grabbed it and held it out in the air, tilting my head as I thought about the night I spent with Johnny. I couldn’t help but think about how comfortable I felt with him. I felt like Cinderella at the ball. He was gentle, sweet and caring. He was like a perfect boyfriend to have. Too bad our relationship was only an act, and nothing more as the moment I stepped into my home, all the magic I felt that night disappeared into thin air.

I just finished class and as I was walking down the hall to get to the parking lot. I saw Johnny coming out from one of the meeting rooms. I ran towards him and tapped his shoulder from behind, making him turned around to look down at me. “Hey Johnny!” I exclaimed, waving at him.

Johnny smiled happily. “Hey.” He greeted back, placing his phone into the back pocket of his jeans. “What’re you doing here? You don’t have classes today if I recall.” I said as I recalled the information from the research I did on Johnny. “You really did a thorough check on me, didn’t you?” I laughed and nodded my head with a shrug of my shoulders.

“I had a meeting with the frat.” Johnny jerked his head to the direction of the meeting room. “Anyways I’m glad to run into you here. Do you have plans today?” Johnny looked up into the sky with furrowed eyebrows before tilting his head back down and shaking his head. “I don’t think so. Why?”

“Great! I just got money from my father and I want to treat you out as a thanks for last Friday.” I pulled out my wallet and waved it in front of it. Johnny snatched it out of my hands and opened my wallet only to have his jaw drop and at the amount of money inside. “How much did he give you exactly?” Johnny widened his eyes as he brought my wallet closer to his face.

I had to tiptoe to I snatch my wallet back due to the drastic height difference between me and Johnny and took out the money from my wallet. “Eh about five thousand.” I shoved the money back in. Johnny leaned in to look at my wallet once again. “No wonder it looks so thick.” He muttered. I laughed and smacked him lightly in the shoulder. “I’m at your service to grant you whatever you want.” I faked a curtsy and grinned. “Hm I have a place we could go.” Johnny said with a finger on his chin.

I ended up taking Johnny to a cafe of some sort. It wasn’t too expensive and it wasn’t too cheap either. “Why here when you can literally spend five thousand dollars on anything else?” I asked as Johnny opened the door for me and we both went in. “To be honest, I’d feel bad for spending your money so I just thought of spending time with you.” I subconsciously eyed him up and down, causing Johnny’s grin to become more cheeky.

While Johnny and I were looking up at the menu above the counter, my eyes scanned the cafe as well, until one person that caught my eye wnd made me do a double. “For fuck’s sake why is she here?!” I whispered as I started to slap Johnny’s arm rapidly, causing him to fly back. “Are you okay? You crazy or something?” Johnny joked with a big laugh.

“No, you idiot! Look!” I pointed to the girl sitting by the window with another man. “She’s my cousin and I don’t want her to see me because she’s always trying picking a fight.”

“Let’s go out then?” I nodded desperately as I linked my arm with Johnny’s. Just as we were about to take the first step. I heard my name being called out. Oh God.

“Sumi. Nice seeing you here.” She said with the most fakest voice and smile I’ve ever head. “Thought you were in Sydney?” I asked, offering to give a half-smile as the bare minimum.

“Well I’ve done my business there so I’m back.” She replied, folding her arms as she turned to Johnny and eyed him intensely. I furrowed my eyebrows in annoyance. “Who’s this fine man?” She asked in a seductive manner, bringing her hand up to Johnny’s shoulder and grazing her finger over it as she admired his face.

As Johnny started to feel uncomfortable, he faked a smile and shoved her hand away, proceeding to wrap his arm around my waist and pulling me close. “Sumi’s boyfriend.” He announced, completely not fazed by my cousin’s flirting. Of course I couldn’t help but blush at his words as I suddenly felt embarrassed and felt butterflies fluttering in my stomach.

My cousin nodded her head slowly, glancing at me and noticing how awkward I looked. I saw the look of suspicion in her face and immediately tried to stay as calm and natural as possible. Though that didn’t work out much as my cousin suddenly said, “Doesn’t look like it to me.”

“Well we are together. I’m totally taken. Actually we have somewhere to be so if you’ll excuse us.” Johnny bowed his head slightly and removed his arm from my waist, proceeding to grab my hand and interlocking our fingers and pulled me out swiftly.

“That was terrifying.” I ran a hand through my hair. Realising my hand was still interlocked with Johnny’s, I tried pulling away, thinking that it made Johnny uncomfortable. But he held my hand tighter the moment I tried to let go.

“Let’s continue to hold hands in case she comes out or s-something.” Johnny’s stuttering in the end really made it clear to me that it was just an excuse. I chuckled and nodded my head. “Sure thing.” I said with a playful wink.

“Besides, I actually like pretending to be your boyfriend. Sumi’s boyfriend. It sounds good whenever I say it. Ah I’m impressed with myself.” Johnny sighed dreamily as he began to walk. Though, I couldn’t.

I was completely frozen and my mind went blank at his words. I’m pretty sure my face was blushing a brighter pink now as it felt more heated than before. I bit my lip before looking up at him when he called my name. “You comin’?” I shook my head to get rid of my thoughts of Johnny, giving him a smile before skipping forward. “Let’s.”

After that day, Johnny and I began to get close. Very close, and very quickly. And to think this fake dating only lasted for that one night. It was obvious after the many secret hangouts we’ve done that we liked each other, a lot. Arcade dates, amusement parks, trying out every ice cream store in the city, you name it.

Unfortunately, we had to keep this all secret. Which meant we couldn’t post on social medias and we had to be cautious whenever we go out. Regardless, we still had fun spending time together. I was able to lie to Father for more than a year now.

Slowly but surely, our fake dating scheme became more and more real. That is until one major problem that I expected to come have finally arrived.

“This man... He isn’t like what he seems, am I right?” I didn’t answer.

All of a sudden, we were here. With Johnny standing in front of Father while Lucas stood beside him. Along with my cousin who was smugly looking at the situation in front of her. Johnny and I hung our heads low, unable to give Father an answer.

“Father don’t blame it on him. I’m the one who asked him to do this. I did this so you can continue giving me money.” I explained, trying my best to get Johnny out of this mess.

I couldn’t help but take a quick glance at my cousin. How did Father find out you ask? My cousin caught me going out with Johnny despite me telling Father that “he was already in France”. I glared at her as she giggled under her breath. That bitch.

“You did it for money? Okay, you want money? Go to Sydney. Work for your cousin and earn the money yourself.”

I gulped, lifted my head up and turning to my cousin, who squealed with excitement as she stomped her feet. “Really, Uncle Kang? I’d love to have her with me in Sydney!” She shouted, though I could sense her devil like nature the moment Father looked away to Johnny and giving me a wide smirk.

“Sir, that’s not necessary. Don’t send her away. I promise I won’t go near her again.” Johnny begged with his palms pressed together. I bit my lower lip hard as I balled my hand into a first.

“Johnny has nothing to do with this. Don’t make him beg.” I growled. Father let out a scoff in amusement as he shoved his hands into the pockets of his pants.

“I’m sending you away regardless. And you’ll find a better partner there in Sydney. Understood?!” Father’s sudden raise in tone made everyone jump out of their skins in terror.

“Fuck you, Father.” I cursed out, grabbing Johnny’s wrist tightly. As soon as I wanted to drag him out, the two bodyguards that were standing at the entrance removed my grasp of Johnny, holding him back.

“Pack your things. You’re flying tonight.” Father said before exiting the scene. Johnny was dragged out of the house. And I was held back by Lucas.

After that night, I never got to see Johnny again. I cried for days on end while I made my trip to Sydney, wondering when will I ever meet him again, or if I even could.

3 years later.

Finising work at eleven due to my cousin bossing me around to do useless things made me reach my limit of exploding in anger. I could have thrown a table at her if I wanted to but I was too kind for that. I was just glad I was able to come home and lay myself head first into my bed.

Opening the door, I was greeted by Winwin watching the television. “Hey!” He shouted, wanting to wave his hand at me but chose not to as he saw the look of anger and tiredness in my face, along with my slouched back and weak movements. “Jee did she give you a hard time again?” He asked, pressing the controller to pause whatever he was watching.

I dragged my feet to the couch, throwing my bag on the table and taking the empty spot next to Winwin. “She fucking puts me through hell almost everyday.” I hissed, running my hand through my hair in frustration. “Deep breasts, Sumi. Deep breasts.” Winwin joked, making me laugh. It was an inside joke me and Winwin came up with and it never failed to elevate the atmosphere.

“Shut the fuck up.” I said as I laughed harder and punched him in the shoulder. Suddenly, a notification came up on my phone as the clock struck twelve. I unlocked it to check what it was. My smile quickly turned into a frown as I saw the alert on my calendar that today is Johnny’s birthday.

Winwin saw my drastic change in mood. From being pissed, to laughing and now being quiet and sad. He placed a hand my back, rubbing up and down slowly as I kept my eyes on words on the screen, the words resonated in my head.

“It’s been three years, Sumi. Despite all that, I’m sure he hasn’t forgotten you.” I could only suspire in despair.

“If only I could have any form of communication with him. What if he sees the news of us getting married? Fucking hell all this is fucked up.” I slammed my phone screen down beisde me and pressed my hands on my face as I couldn’t hold back the tears that welled up in my eyes.

“As your fiancé and friend, I suggest you fuck whatever your father’s making you do and go back to him. I hate seeing you like this, Sumi. It hurts.” Winwin whispered.

When I reached Sydney three years ago, Father didn’t hesitate to force me to get engaged to Winwin, an actual rich man who is the heir of a large company. We were only engaged for the connection of two big companies and nothing more. Nonetheless, he was a good friend to stayed with me through all my hurtful days and hardships while I grieved about my separation with Johnny.

I sniffled and gulped before bringing my head up to look at Winwin. “But how? Father tracks my every move in my phone. My location, who I text and call. What I post on my socials. I can’t escape him.” I bit my lower lip as I ran a hand down my face, waniting to wipe off my tears but of course it was to no avail as the tears couldn’t stop flowing down.

“No. Fuck all that. Contact him. And run away once you’re with him. Whatever happens, I’ll be the one to settle it for you, okay?” My lips quivered as I forced a smile and bringing Winwin in for a hug.

“Thank you, so much. You’re a great friend. I’m sure you’ll find someone who’ll appreciate you.” I whispered as I took my time to admrie his embrace, being the only thing that brought me comfort.

With that, I texted Johnny through Instagram. I knew Father would see our conversation but at this point, I didn’t give a damn. I’ve been wanting Johnny for three years. I missed him way too much I couldn’t handle it no more.

I informed Johnny on the very same night that I’ll fly to Paris and meet him there, so that we could stay there for a couple of months before flying back. Luckily, he was down for the idea. Though I was scared that Father would already know my location, I didn’t care. I’d fly to any country with Johnny and not have him find out. I’ll go through such extends just to have Johnny by my side again.

The next day, I booked a flight and packed every single one of my belongings. I bid Winwin a last warm farewell before I headed to the airport. I was extremely cautious about the fact that I might get caught since Father’s bodyguards could be anywhee near me, which is why I tried to be as discreet as possible.

I finally got into the plain without any slip ups. I absentmindedly looked out the window as I thought about Johnny. Over three years, of course I’d expect him to be different. But how different? Did he change much? Anything can change within three years.

I couldn’t fall asleep with my thoughts of Johnny running circles in my mind the whole flight. Soon, we finally landed.

I didn’t tell Johnny where to meet him in the airport specifically since I forgot. I was about to text him when I suddenly hear people shouting at the entrance. I turned my head to see the Father’s bodyguards asking everyone if they’ve seen the girl in the paper they held up in the air.

I widened my eyes at the sight and immediately panicked. Of course Father would have some connections here in Paris. Why was I so dumb to forget such an information? I wasted no time to act calm and brisk walk as far away as I could, though their voices became louder and louder as they got closer.

I looked back to check where they were and as I was about to turn and walk forward, I was slammed against the wall. I looked up and gaped my mouth open in shock.

“Johnny? I-”

I was quickly cut off when Johnny’s lips connected to mine, his arm wrapping around my waist while his other hand was against the wall. I couldn’t resist and kissed him back wholeheartedly. I missed his touch too mucb. I missed this feeling that I could only feel whenever I’m with him.

Johnny held me close till the bodyguards went past us, luckily they didn’t seem to even spare a glance our way. I was the first to pull back from that kiss that was about to get heated quick, gasping for air.

“I waited for you, for so long.” Johnny breathed out, tucking the messy strands of hair that covered my forehead behind my ears.

“I missed you more. I missed you so fucking much.” I hugged him tightly, digging my face into his chest as my tears started streaming down my cheeks again, leaving a wet spot on Johnny’s white shirt. He cupped my cheeks in his hands and brought my head up to look at him.

“Sh... I’m here, okay? I’m here now.” I sucked my lips in as I clsoed my eyes for a moment.

“I don’t care where we go next. As long as I’m with you. Please stay right by my side and never let anything cut between us again.”

Johnny nodded with his gentle smile. The one I missed dearly, and the one that never failed to put an impact on me.

“I will. I promise. Because I love you.”

[yanderecandystore]

aaaaa I loved the deity reader x the collector sm!!! can we please have more of them? even if it’s just them being salty towards each other/fighting or if it’s them just talking it out.

Hey boo, how's it going?

I'm trying to do all requests in the order that they came in and how long does it take me to write them, sorry if yours has taken some time to be answered.

I'm surprised people liked this headcanon, so how about more of it?

TW/Tags: Let's go the fighting then talking route // vague fight scene because why the hell not // some slight angst and fluff? Maybe. // Really sad out of nowhere?? Also, mentions of injuries.

🍭꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍰꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖🍭

"- Fighting is pointless." [Yandere!Eldritch OC x Experienced God!Reader - Headcanon]:

I guess you can imagine the destruction that you and him can cause.

You didn't expect him to have so many tricks up his sleeves. But you guess he also didn't expect you to have just as much willpower as you have.

A fight that was truly fit for the gods, but at what cost?

An entire continent being destroyed by your hands.

You tried convincing him to leave this planet and never come back. To never take any creature from this place ever again. Talking was proven to be futile, as your fight has begun the moment the discussion started.

You managed to hurt his skin, granted that it could still regenerate at any time. He hurted you a couple of times, but-

The fight has ended shortly by his mask starting to crack from each time you hit him and each time he inflicted any small amount of pain on you.

It took you some time to realize why he was so stressed out, of why his mask was breaking so easily.

You two managed to turn a once beautiful place into a wasteland. How could you do this?

"- I didn't want this to happen." He was the first one to say what you were both thinking while taking a look at the vast amount of land that has been destroyed.

His body was shaking slightly as he had sat down, trying to cope with what just happened.

You did the same.

You decided to give him a second of silence before asking:

"- Why are you breaking?" And as the question left your lips, his body had cringed at the words so badly, that it almost caused another crack in his face.

"- Y-You really d-don't know me, huh?" He asked almost jokingly. His voice was stuttering so bad, his whole body was about to give up.

He is correct. You're aware of that. You don't really know him all that well, apparently.

"- I-I- I HATE-E THIS!" He managed to get out between stutters and frantic shaking, while punching the ground with his fist.

You know, when he said he loved life and living creatures, he really meant that. So many life forms dead by his hands, and for what? For an stupid argument.

He never killed anyone like this, really. This was a really difficult experience for him to cope with.

"- Me too." You said back. You didn't want things to reach this point.

You sighed. Feeling just as bad as the mutual earth lover by your side. You felt two large fingers pull your clothes, in a "trying to take your attention" sort of way, but because of how huge he is in general, it js really hard to not notice.

"- What is it?" You asked while turning your head to see an immense amount of oil starting to slip through his mask's holes.

There are a lot of words that are known in his kind's vocabulary. Some could even be translated to the human vocabulary really easily by associating their meanings. But what they didn't know how to say was 'sorry'.

So in a pathetic attempt to apologise to you, he does this little mannerism. Is all he is able to do. Pull your clothes in a shy manner while crying oil and whimpering.

But you didn't notice that, all that you did noticed was the amount of cracks opening his mask.

"- Your mask! Is too broken!" You stated as you tried getting closer to him. Either by flying or by getting some help by his hands, you got closer to his face.

"- I didn't think you would be-" You started saying as you tried to put your hand in his mask, but he flinched. Scared of your touch hurting him. Again.

"- Oh… Oh my God." You can't tell if you're sorry or just feel pity for his current state. It's a creature tall as a building acting like a scared dog.

"- I hurt you." A low whisper was able to be heard coming from the mask, just like other whimpers and… Uhn, some unsavory sounds. Sounds of something squishy moving, constantly.

You sometimes forget that you don't know exactly what hides behind the mask, you only know that the entrance to his dimension is behind it, just that. Whenever he tried putting you in his pocket dimension, a bright light would always blind you temporarily, so you don't know what truly is there.

But anyway, this is not the time to care about his freaky anatomy, but rather to focus on his well-being and safety (and well, the safety of the entire planet).

"- Oh come on now, I hit you, you hit me, we were fighting. You don't need to worry about me." You tried reassuring the big guy, because again, if his mask breaks, you're going to be sent flying through the air.

You patted the mask, even though it doesn't make any sense, he still felt your soothing touch. The oil coming out of his cracks is a little sticky and is starting to dirty your clothes a little.

Even if you try to comfort him, the deed was done. You two managed to devastated a whole piece of land, and just the thought of all the life forms he has wiped out in a couple of seconds started to make him spill more and more oil on the ground, and on you, accidentally.

"- ……" There is an eerie sound coming from the mask, untill you heard a couple of words be said in a language you aren't familiar with.

"- ……… I'm sorry……." He did it again, this time translating what he said. It's kinda funny how ridiculously hard it is for him to say those words. It's like it hurts his ego so badly, lol.

Oh no wait, nevermind, it really does hurt to say them, he is whimpering all over again.

This situation may seem hopeless at first, until you remembered one thing, maybe this could help him cheer up.

"- Hey, we're similar right? Maybe we can both fix this together." You said hoping he would catch what you meant. But no, he didn't.

He didn't understand until you started to show him you could create life in this wasted land. There was still hope, it'll just take a little bit of help and patience.

"- Will you help me?" You asked, smiling at the creature who technically is always smiling because of his mask's design.

In the end, you two decided to work together for once. Bringing life to this place once again.

It seems to be way more fun than capturing creatures to his own personal viewing pleasure. He is really, really quiet, maybe you should find a way to fix his mask, to not only stop it from breaking more, but to also help him heal, because as long as the mask is in this terrible state, he'll always be in pain.

You wonder if this is why his voice has been so quiet and shy out of nowhere. Or maybe it's because he really does feel sorry for hurting you and the life forms that used to be here.

Anyway, you got a big soft spidery boi now. Give him some head pats once in a while.

🍭꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍰꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖🍭

[athenaquinn]

Enough for You || Orion & Athena (flashback)

TIMING: January 2012 LOCATION: A forest in White Crest PARTIES: @3starsquinn​ and @athenaquinn​ SUMMARY: The twins give each other a lot of annoyed glances. CONTENT: Physical abuse, emotional abuse, domestic abuse, sibling abuse (if you want a summary, please let one of us know!)

It was quiet tonight. Or maybe Orion’s hearing wasn’t working. He never really knew, especially considering it had just started. His mom had been so excited by the news, but Rio couldn’t only remember the pain. He had been in class trying to listen to his teacher talking about biology when an ear splitting scream suddenly disrupted any coherent mental notes that Rio had been taking on the subject. It had been so loud, so guttural, that Rio was half convinced it had come from the kid sitting right next to him. His head shot from side to side, a terrible realization coming over him as he realized that nobody else was reacting to the sound. Why wasn’t anybody reacting to the sound? As quickly as it was there, it was gone. And it was another moment or two before it suddenly came back. But this time he could hear the sounds of car horns as well. And then sirens. Rio barely had time to ask for permission before rushing out of the classroom and to the nearest bathroom to lock himself in a stall. He huddled on the seat, covering his ears with the palms of his hands in a desperate and futile attempt to block out the noise. It didn’t take long for him to connect the dots. His parents had been telling him and his sister about this for years now. These abilities. ‘Gifts’ as they called them. Rio wasn’t convinced they were gifts, even as young as he was, he didn’t like them. He knew what this meant. He hated it.

His family however, wanted to celebrate. It had only been a couple of days since he told his parents and they were ecstatic by the news. His senses had been on a seesaw since then. Sometimes he could hear his neighbors from three doors down and other times he couldn’t hear his own sister calling for him from her bedroom. One morning he could read a bulletin board from the opposite end of the hallway or he could smell food that someone had eaten for breakfast. It was overwhelming. All he wanted was for it to stop. Instead, his parents decided to take them on a field trip.

“These woods are incredibly dangerous at night. I know neither of you are stupid enough to think otherwise.” His mother’s lukewarm warning spoke to her children, following behind the Quinn parents as they walked through the forest in the middle of the night. In response, Rio felt his chest tighten. He clawed at the sleeves of his hoodie, pulling his fingers inside of them and further hiding them by stuffing his arms in the middle pocket. He wanted to shrink away from his parents, from his sister who seemed far too eager to be out in the middle of the night in winter. He wished that he could have played sick. He didn’t want to be here and he definitely didn’t want to find anything.

“I’m cold,” Rio mumbled, but he knew his parents would hear him. That was the last thing he actually wanted to whine about tonight, but this seemed like the safest option. Complaining about anything else risked annoying his parents. They were already deadly serious when out on a hunt. He didn’t want to give them any other reason to be upset.

___

Her brother was maybe actually possibly agreeing to his powers. Athena couldn’t believe it. In fact, she was practically over the moon about it, vibrating in a good way for once (so much so that all the stupid fae that were in the school didn’t even bother her) when he’d mentioned it to her. He used to complain about the noise of the bright neon signs at the mall in Bangor but for the most part he usually tended to totally ignore his super-awesome-brilliant abilities. Maybe she wouldn’t be totally left on her own, if he was really ready to actually admit that their powers were good. He liked superhero movies and comics and even though Athena didn’t understand any of those very well at all, if he liked those sort of things, shouldn’t he like his own powers?

Their parents wanted to take them out, and so Athena had been certain to finish all of her homework early. There was only a paper for geography and some write-up for science class, both of which were way too easy, but it got her straight A’s in school, so she knew that she really shouldn’t complain. Besides, even though she’d helped out her dad in the basement sometimes, it took a lot to get both of their parents to invite them out and even though it was in the middle of winter and really super cold, she didn’t mind. She’d even decided to wear her brand new Abercrombie jeans and her new favorite sweater and one of the best coats she had.

This was all special and she didn’t understand why her brother had to be such a grump about it. “You can play whatever video game you like later, you know.” She knocked against him with her hips as they began to walk into the woods. They didn’t get to stay up this late, basically ever, except when they did so on their own on their birthday, but this was different. Even if she was shivering, she did her best to not show it. That was weak, and she knew how much her parents loathed weakness. At least she’d won the pacer test every year in gym class and was her soccer coach’s favorite player and got all A’s. She just wished that her brother would try a little harder.

“Of course!” She chirped in response to their mother’s words. Of course she knew. She’d read about so much, though at least there were no fae right here and right now. That would have ruined this wonderful-amazing-perfect family outing. She looked over to her brother, pursuing her lips for a moment. “Come on Ri, it’ll be just fine. Also wear more of a coat next time! Do you wanna borrow my scarf?” She took it off and threw it at him. “It’s extra cozy. Maybe it’ll bring you some luck, too!” She didn’t know how much of that she believed, but she did know that when it came to hunting, her brother could use all the help he could get. Especially because he so often liked to miss their trainings, leaving her to do double the work. Not that she minded.

___

“Don’t argue with your mother. Or your sister.” His father’s words were tired and sounded distant. Clearly his mind was on other things, as usual. Orion gritted his teeth and averted his eyes to the ground. There was no point in arguing that he wasn’t arguing. That would only make his parents angry. He jerked when a scarf smacked him in his face. His hands shot up to catch it so that it wouldn’t fall on the ground. He could only imagine how his sister would react to dirt on her scarf. Though he didn’t want to accept his sister’s pathetic attempt at appeasing him, Rio begrudgingly wrapped it around his neck.

The pair couldn’t be more different. His sister was practically glowing, dressed head to toe in an all new outfit and walking with a level of confidence that most adults didn’t have. She was absolutely beaming at the idea of coming along with their parents. She worshipped the ground that they walked on and was already dead set on becoming exactly like them when she was older. She had already made a top ten list for medical schools. Rio on the other hand had kept on the same worn sweatpants and hoodie that he had been wearing when he woke up that morning. He was shrinking in on himself, trying to force his body into its smallest and least noticeable form possible. If he was lucky, he might disappear entirely. Unlike his sister, nothing seemed so absolute. He had no interest in being here. He wasn’t convinced that anything his parents said or did was as noble as they claimed it was and he could barely think about what he wanted to do for the rest of the week let alone the future.

He didn’t want to admit that the scarf had actually helped fight the cold a bit, but he tightened it around his neck a bit and crossed his arms to hold the ends in place. “What are we even out here looking for?” Rio asked, immediately met with shushes from both of his parents. He cringed at the sudden sound and made a mental note to only speak in whispers for the remainder of the night. Maybe time. “I don’t think there’s anything here. Maybe we should just leave.”

___

She couldn’t help the smug smile that covered her lips. Daddy’s always right, she wanted to whisper to her brother, but that might displease their parents, and so she kept her mouth shut - at least on that topic, at least for now. Maybe the scarf would shut her brother up. Not that he was being very talkative, but Athena didn’t like when he got into one of his moods, which seemed to be happening more and more in the past couple of years. At least he’d taken her scarf. At least she could count that on her win. My brother listened to me about something for once. She watched her breath form small cloud-puffs in the cold night air. She liked it, liked that her nose was cold - though it wasn’t as satisfying as how she felt when she went for a long run in the cold, the way that it made her throat ache just enough. That felt powerful.

Her brother always seemed small. Even though he’d started to grow taller than she was, he always seemed to shrink away. She’d noticed it at school - which was part of why she’d taken it upon herself to make - no, ask him persuasively - to sit with her and her friends at lunch. Which he agreed to, when he wasn’t off at the library. She had to admit that she also really liked the library, but hanging out with her friends a lot didn’t always leave time to wander around the stacks. It didn’t matter much anyways, she still got perfect (or near-perfect, when her brother beat her on a history test) grades. She’d still get into all of her med schools. She just hoped her brother would figure out what he was doing with his life sometime. Prayed that he’d come to accept his gift.

“I don’t know, but that’s part of the thrill of it, isn’t it?” She giggled, just quiet enough that only her brother would hear. “We don’t know what we’re walking into, and so we’re going to have to think on our feet.” She grinned at her brother. That got some affirmative murmurs from their parents. “There’s gotta be something, come on! Just give it a little more time. I’ll make you extra-good breakfast in the morning.” The last sentence whispered just between the two of them. Anything to make him see that all this could lead to good things. That was part of her duty, as sister and hunter. He’d see someday, that much she knew.

___

“Yeah. Thrilling.” Orion whispered, so quiet he wasn’t convinced he had said any words at all. Of course Athena would be excited at the idea of this. She had no regard for self preservation. Did she not care at all how dangerous it could be out here? That didn’t even take into consideration what they were out here to do. Rio knew there was more to what they were being taught. His parents had been very forthcoming with their descriptions of fae and werewolves. But Rio knew something was wrong. Something that he wasn’t being told. He couldn’t question them on it though, that much he knew for sure. He would have rolled his eyes at his parents praising Athena if he wasn’t afraid that they’d somehow hear it. As per usual, Athena was completely oblivious to just how terrified Rio was. Either that, or she just didn’t care. It didn’t matter. All he knew was that her legitimately thinking that breakfast was going to motivate him, she was even more dense than he had previously thought. He narrowed his eyes towards her and tightened his arms against his chest before picking up his speed so that he was no longer walking beside her.

That didn’t last as long as he would have liked it to. There was a sound. Farther out in the woods and in a direction that Rio’s erratic senses couldn’t pinpoint. But it had definitely been there, and confirmed that the four were not alone. Rio froze completely, too afraid to say anything. If he was lucky, he had been the only one that heard it. But he knew his mom better than that. Plus, he was never that lucky. When he finally built up the courage to look over at his family, he could tell immediately that his mom was on high alert. And it looked like she even knew which direction the sound had come from. Heart plummeting out of his chest, Rio didn’t know what to do.  He didn’t want whatever was out there to find them. Or rather, he wasn’t sure he wanted the Quinn family to find them. It wasn’t safe, for anyone involved. Rio hated that terrified feeling. He hated being in danger.

We’re going to have to think on our feet. Athena’s words stuck in Rio’s brain. Maybe she had a better point than Rio was giving her credit for. He did need to think on his feet. He finally forced himself to move, sliding his foot over and finding a twig to step down on. He started off slow, pressing down on it ever so gently and listening to the send of the twig bend and twist against its will before finally snapping. He winced at the sudden sound, instantly regretting the choice. But his parents did nothing besides shoot a look over towards him and Athena. Bingo. If he could get the attention of whatever was out in the woods, maybe it would go away. Then there wouldn’t be any danger at all. If only he could make sure that it heard the noise. He glanced at the ground, finding another piece of wood and readjusting his step to repeat the same process again. The branch snapped with a crunch, and before Rio could even react his mother had spun around just as quickly. She smacked him across the face quickly and efficiently, the force of it pushing Rio over and causing him to fall into the leaves. He brought his hand to his cheek immediately to survey the damage. It stung to the touch and felt like it had already begun swelling. “Shut up!” She hissed at him, pointing at him and forcing him to cower further. His cheek hurt so badly that all Rio wanted to do was cry, but he knew that would only make it worse. Instead, a silent stream of tears ran down his face as he clamped his mouth shut to avoid any further noise. His mother recovered quickly, turning away from him and speaking to their father, “That might have gotten it’s attention. We will need to move quickly to catch it. Do you sense anything?”

___

“Well, get a thesaurus and pick another term if you don’t like the one I chose.” Athena hissed back. She didn’t like how her brother just wanted to ruin everything. It was one thing when he beat her in chess but this was something entirely different and something she hated even more, especially because it was supposed to be a connection between the two of them. This was a learning opportunity for the both of them, and as much as Athena loved reading everything she could in their parents’ books and journals, but there was certainly something to be said for actually learning in person. It was why she didn’t mind so much when her father asked her to come to observe his operations. It was oddly fascinating, she had to admit. Her brother started walking faster and her face contorted into a grimace, because he wasn’t supposed to do that. It was unfair and stupid and maybe he should have just stayed at home if he was going to ruin this for her. She bit her lip, then. It wasn’t fair of her to think that way. It was her job to help him accept his abilities. To gently push him along.

She didn’t hear the sound until a little after her brother must have noticed. After their mother noticed. Because their mother was one of the best and most expert hunters there ever was.  She was standing still, perfect posture, though Athena imagined that her eyes were darting around, zeroing in on wherever the thing was. She only hoped that they’d get to the creature or whatever it was before it got to them, because she very much didn’t want to die tonight, thank you very much. Years ago, if they were in this situation, she knew that she’d grab her brother’s hand and hold it tight. She had, when they were little, and she also knew that even just after they’d been born, back in the hospital, she’d sometimes cried until they put the two of them together in a bassinet.

Now wasn’t the time to focus on the past. That was useless, and made her far too soft and sentimental. Soft and sentimental didn’t get you anywhere. That was what her parents said, and so it had to be true.

Then a twig snapped and their parents looked over at the two of them. You’re gonna get the both of us in trouble, she wanted to tell him. Except she didn’t. Because that would only bring more noise, which was absolutely and entirely not needed right now. Then another branch was snapping and their mother was over near them, hitting her brother across the face. It was over before she could even say much of anything, and Athena watched their parents intently. I don’t feel anything, she wanted to say, just as she saw their father shake his head. Thank goodness. I’m not a screw up. Except that she should have been keeping a better eye on her brother. That was her job, and she was a screw up when it came to that, apparently. It wasn’t a fae or a werewolf and she tapped her fingers against her thigh - hoping that maybe it would be something even more exciting. That would make all of this more of a celebration, after all. There was another sound, closer this time - that much she could tell. If she squinted enough, it looked like there was a figure not too far away from them.

Athena took a couple steps forward, away from her brother. “I think - I saw some leaves rustling over there.” She pointed, noticing the way that her father’s lips almost curved into a smile. “What do you think, Linda?” He inquired. “That’s the right direction, isn’t it?”

___

While the rest of his family ignored him completely and stared off into the woods, Rio silently pulled himself back onto his feet. He kept his hand pressed against his cheek, careful to avoid crying. Instead, he tried to find the source of the noise that his family seemed to intent on discovering for themselves. His head drifted back and forth, staring across the treeline before finally settling on Athena as she pointed and gave away the direction. Rio scowled at her from behind as his parents made that annoyingly stoic proud face. “Good job, Athena. I heard it too. Follow me.” His mom’s voice had calmed from her previous threat hurled his way. No surprise there.

The rest of his family set off immediately, a quiet power walk across the grass as they headed towards their target. His parents didn’t even spare a glance back at him. It was the opportunity he had wanted to get away from this, but he knew he would only be in more trouble if they found out he wasn’t with them.

He kept his distance from the rest of his family, just how it was meant to be. With them miles ahead while he lagged behind. As if he needed any other reminder that he would never measure up. “I found it!” his mother shouted he broke off into a sprint, his father and sister just behind her. Begrudgingly, Rio forced himself to follow along.

The Quinns caught up with it quickly. Someone that looked like a human was running through the forest to try to get away, but his mom had cut them off, swiping out at the person’s leg. They flipped backwards and smacked against the ground. Rio gasped at the violence, but covered his mouth to muffle the sound. In one fell swoop, she reached down to grab the person and left them up by the collar of their shirt and slammed them against a tree. “You can’t run from us” his mother was smiling now, the first he had seen from her since they had left the house. Rio had no idea how she could enjoy something like this. But his eyes wouldn’t leave the horrified face of the person being held against a tree. There was a shift. Something so minimal it would have been easy to miss. Something shifted in the perception of the person. Like a green screen effect failing. Rio stared more intently as he realized what it was. An illusion. They had an illusion. And for a split second it had dropped. And Rio was almost positive of what he saw. He had never seen one in person, but he remembered reading about them. He hated how quickly this knowledge came to him. “It’s a kitsune.”

___

She couldn’t help but stand even a little straighter at her mother’s praise. It always worked that way - and Athena was acutely aware that at least part of her nearly-always-present confidence came from what her parents said. What they had said ever since she was a little girl. She probably should have paid more attention to the fact that her brother seemed hurt, but that didn’t really matter (no matter how much she loved him, there were reasons to be punished, and he’d acted out), and if she did stop to check in on him in clear sight of their parents, it wouldn’t end well for either of them. Besides, he never seemed to want her help anyhow.

She didn’t want to appear too over-eager, because she was twelve now, and that was childish. Even when she was a child, she knew that there was a fine line regarding what was acceptable and what was deemed to be too much. Even if it was about hunting, even if it was about remembering something she’d read or researched.

All of a sudden her mother began running and she took off too, though she was careful not to outpace her mother. No matter how well she was performing, she knew that that would not serve her well, nor win her any favors. She was obedient, she did as she was told and she didn’t speak out of turn - at least not to her parents. School may have been a different story, but even there she kept her mouth shut around adults. It was part of why she could get away with other things, if need be. Not that she always wanted to, but it didn’t hurt to have as an option, just in case.

They arrived at the person - no, the thing - and Athena narrowed her eyebrows, because she knew that no matter how human something looked, when it wasn’t human, it was always a trap. She would have winced at her mother slamming them up against a tree, but she didn’t do that. She didn’t cry and she didn’t throw a fit when something like this happened. It’s a kitsune. She heard her brother say, and she grinned. “Figures. You know there’s all sorts of different ones. Given the location, this one could be a forest one? Though I know it makes sense to not assume, because you never know for sure.” She looked over at her brother. “Look at you, being so helpful!” She pulled out one of her knives and held it out to him. “Do you want to borrow this?”

___

“Please don’t do this!” The kitsune screamed in protest, shut up quickly by Linda Quinn pressing her palm against the woman’s mouth and pressing against it far too tightly. Orion could see the pressure even from here. How the skin on the woman’s face started to redden around his mom’s fingers. Rio broke out in a cold sweat, his mouth going completely dry. This was wrong. This was wrong. This was wrong. His fingers curled into fists before unfurling again. He didn’t want his parents to see that. They would only take it as an act of defiance.

Yet in the middle of this, his sister had the audacity to offer a knife to him. We’re twelve years old! Don’t you see something wrong with this?! He wanted to scream those words so badly. He was almost shaking now, but still he did nothing. He didn’t move towards his parents. He didn’t take the knife. He just stood there, eyes flicking between all four people around him and begging something, anything to change.

“Excellent guess, Athena.” Linda’s voice was too casual for the situation they were in. “Orion.” His mother’s voice again, directed at him purely to egg him on. A shiver ran down Rio’s spine as his back straightened on instinct. His mother didn’t wait to see if he was listening. She knew. “What do we know about forest kitsune?” Rio didn’t say anything. His dad’s eyes locked with Rio’s and finally he shook his head. He hoped that would work as a response. It didn’t. “Answer your mom, Orion,” his dad’s voice this time. Distant as it always was.

“I don’t know.” Rio finally said out loud, his voice shaking from fear and so very quiet. It was a lie, they all must now. The only time Rio ever impressed his parents were during their little pop quizzes. He knew more about shapeshifters than even some adult hunters, they would boast. Usually at the Silver Bullet just loud enough for others to hear. Forest kitsune were in tune with nature. Able to heal plantlife and cast illusions, though this woman seemed too distressed to try to use that to get free. She had almost completely lost the illusion casting her as human.

“You’re lying.” his mother sighed, clearly disappointed in her son but seemingly unsurprised. He shook his head more ferociously this time, but the narrowed glance from his father kept him from saying anything. His mother had already moved on anyways it seemed. “Your illusion is faltering. What would it take to make you drop it completely.” her tone seemed so… playful. As if she was on the playground with friends. Cries and mumbling came from the woman’s clamped mouth, but Rio wasn’t sure anybody but him and his mom could hear them. “Let’s test it, shall we?” Linda motioned towards James who took the queue immediately to pull a knife from the bag and hand it off to his wife. Rio’s eyes grew wide, watching her spin the blade into her hand before pressing it against the woman’s gut. No. No. No! Rio took a step forward, but it was just in time for his mom to plunge the knife into the woman’s stomach.

___

She didn’t let her expression change, even as the woman - no, the kitsune - the creature - screamed. Athena just watched carefully, taking careful mental notes about the way that her mother took control of the situation, almost seamlessly. Her brother was refusing her offer of a knife and were they both alone, she might have stomped her foot, but now wasn’t the time for that. She was twelve, after all, which was practically a grown up. Though she liked to think that she’d always been advanced for her age. You couldn’t read Anna Karenina when you were only just ten and not be advanced for your age. Besides, she was always meant for something more. She and her brother both were, even if he had a harder time on the whole realizing it part of the deal.

She let the smallest of smiles cross her face as her mother affirmed her guess. It wasn’t quite praise (that was hard to come by, no matter how brilliant Athena knew she was, her parents still reserved that for select and special occasions), but it was something, and she’d take anything even close to praise - she knew it wasn’t good to be as hungry for it as she was, but she couldn’t help herself. She atoned for her excessive need for praise before, and nothing bad had ever happened as a result of it, so all was well.

Except that her brother was refusing to answer. She could hear their father’s voice pipe in, and even when it was over-even and distant, she found herself listening intently. She didn’t know quite as much about kitsune as her brother did, but she knew some things and so she pressed her hand over her mouth, because the last thing she wanted was to call out something and have her parents get mad at her. I don’t know. “As if.” Athena replied, her voice still muffled by her own hand. She didn’t know if her brother could hear her. Didn’t really care, at this point, because this was supposed to be a celebration and if he wasn’t going to take her knife then he could at least use his smarts and answer their parents.

She retrained her eyes on the creature, the illusion flickering. It would be gone, soon enough, probably. Probably because her parents always got what they wanted. Probably because this was a thing and it looked so unnatural, so inhuman and Athena finally dropped her hand from her mouth, wrinkling up her nose in disgust, though a certain element of morbid fascination always took over. It did, when she got to sometimes go and watch her father at work in the basement. It did, when she listened to her parents and to other hunters at the Silver Bullet talk about how they’d gotten rid of a creature.

Her mother’s voice was so playful and Athena made a careful note of the tone, of the fact that somehow that way of talking seemed far more effective and intimidating than yelling at the kitsune would be. She watched the exchange of the knife from her father to her mother, the way she deftly spun it around before digging it into the woman’s - no, the creature’s - stomach. There were a few other muffled gasps, garbled words that didn’t mean anything, anymore. Her mother cleaned the blade of the knife before handing it back over to her father. Both of them made their way over to where the twins were standing. “Quick and efficient can be the best way in certain circumstances.” The playfulness from earlier was all gone, and now she was all business. “We couldn’t just let her get away, as I am sure you both understand.” Athena nodded quickly, not daring to look over at her brother.

___

Those few moments after were quiet. A sharp intake of breath followed by held breath completely from both of the twins as the knife cut through the woman’s stomach. Orion kept his mouth covered and refused to let move. The woman’s muffled cries of pain and protest against his mother’s clamped hand slowly faded as her consciousness did. The only sounds left were the woman’s heartbeat, the beats becoming slowed and off beat. Soon, there wasn’t a rhythm at all. And then there was nothing. Just the dripping of blood against the root of the tree.

Another death. He knew this wasn’t normal. It couldn’t be normal to have seen this so young. He didn’t talk to many people in school, but he listened. None of them talked about death. That meant that it couldn’t be normal, right? Then why was so much of his own life surrounded by it?

His legs shook violently against his weight. Suddenly, the four were grouped together again, looking at each other. But he couldn’t hear what his mother was saying. He was looking directly at her, but couldn’t seem to make out the expression on her face. It all looked blurry, sounded blurry. The only thing that seemed in focus was the woman. She was on the ground now, slumped against the tree with a pool of blood circling the spot his mother had stabbed. Everything else sounded fuzzy, but her silence was apparent. No breaths. No heartbeat. No more muffled cries. Just silence.

He had no hope of self control at the moment. Not when his senses were going haywire. They blocked out everything except the woman, and soon Rio was completely losing it. The hyperventilating came first, something only exaggerated by the time he started panicking that he couldn’t catch his breath. Tears were shortly after that, his eyes stinging in protest as the sobbing began. He felt like he was choking. His legs finally gave out and he fell to his knees. Around him, he could hear his parents saying something, but he couldn’t make out the words. He wasn’t sure he could ever breathe again. It all felt hopeless. So hopeless.

___

She wanted to touch the tree. She always wanted to feel what it was like, after. After the creatures died. What was left of them, what their mark on the world was. She’d watched creatures in her dad’s operating room long after they’d died, the scent of the sterilizing materials burning her nose but in the best way possible. Athena didn’t move right now though, instead just watching, eyes wide. Eyes wide, lightly curled hair spilling around her shoulders. She liked how her family matched - all golden and bright against the dark, dark world. Nothing was ever going to change that, that much she was certain.

Except that then her brother had to go ahead and practically have a stupid panic attack. She had those, sometimes. She wasn’t supposed to, she didn’t like it, but sometimes when she thought too hard about one particular thing her heart started racing and suddenly she was tiny and in their shared childhood bedroom again, gasping for air in the middle of the night, not able to fall asleep until her brother came over. She was back, the day they’d been made to have their own rooms, whimpering because they were twins and she was supposed to be with him forever and she was a big girl but being with her brother was how it worked.

“Deal with him.” Her mother’s voice brought her out of her thoughts. She blinked. She knew what it meant. Deal with him. “Quickly, before he causes more trouble.” Without thinking, Athena whipped around and bent down, kneeling next to her brother. Slapped him across the face, twice. One on each side. Glared at him, as if to say listen to mom and dad. Don’t make this harder for us both.

___

At that moment, Orion didn’t care what attention he attracted. Whether it be his parents, the police, more supernatural creatures. Let them all come at this point. A woman was dead, a person. It didn’t matter what his parents told him. That was a human being, an innocent woman that had just been captured and gutted, ruthlessly. This wasn’t right. No matter what his parents or his grandparents or the family friends that came over for dinner parties told him. Nothing about this was right. So he would scream. He would scream and cry until somebody came to stop them. Or until they stopped hurting innocent people. Or until-

The smack took him by surprise and silenced him instantly. His panic attack had completely blocked out his senses. He had been fully unaware that his sister had knelt beside him until she had already hit him. The crying and gasping for air ceased immediately. Somehow, her attack had managed to both knock the wind out of him and help him find his breath simultaneously. Suddenly, he wasn’t concerned about the world spinning or his vision blurring because he could only focus on his cheek, stinging in agony against the already fresh bruise his mother had dealt earlier. “Ow.” was all Rio said, a mumbled phrase under his breath. He wasn’t speaking to anybody in particular, he was just too numb to think or say anything else. After, he pushed back up onto his feet. He didn’t say anything. He couldn’t say anything. His parents didn’t seem to care much, they were just thankful that he had finally shut up.

“Thank you, Athena.” His father mumbled, the notion passively doubled by their mother. Though neither seemed particularly interested in praise. They both studied the no longer breathing body on the ground. “I assume she is of no use to you?” his mother peered over at her husband, answered only by the brief shaking of his head. He was only interested in live test subjects. Twelve years old, and Rio was certain in this moment that they were monsters. “Athena, keep your brother under control. We are going to get rid of the body.”

___

She didn’t like the sound her hand made against her brother’s cheek, but it did what her parents had wanted it to do. He’d shut up and even though the response was neutral, and (as always) she found herself craving more praise from her parents, pressing her tongue firmly against the roof of her mouth, to remind herself to not not not talk, to not speak out of turn. She didn’t pay attention to the quiet ow that escaped his lips. This was a natural consequence, he knew that. She knew that. Athena gave a small tug at his scarf, as if to say ‘come on, straighten up, we’ll be done soon’. She’d been more encouraging when they were younger, but now they were twelve - and double-digits in general meant they were practically adults, and it really was time to start acting like one.

So she didn’t offer caring words to her brother because if she did that then how would he ever learn? She would have, years ago. A certain part of her still wanted to. Wanted to check in on him and make sure everything was okay. But saying sorry made you weak, and if there was one thing that Athena was not, it was weak.

She listened intently at her parents’ words. Not of use. This made sense, given how she looked, Athena didn’t figure that her father could make much use of the woman. Except that part of her wanted them to take her back, because books told her a great deal, but she’d never seen the inside of a kitsune before. Instead, at their comments, she just nodded. Firm, neutral, probably more serious than most twelve-year-olds would. As their parents retreated, she turned to face her brother again. He was getting taller than her, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t do her best to look him in the eye. “Come on. Just - like, I dunno, behave.” Her voice was almost whiny, a hint of actual pre-teenage-hood laced in her words. “Things work out better for you - us - if you do.”

___

How could they all think this was normal? Was Orion the crazy one? The way that his mother had so casually stabbed that woman. The way that his father and sister went along with it, walked around the body as if she wasn’t even there. How was he the only one losing his mind? It was almost enough to convince Rio that he was in the wrong somehow. His family had nothing to offer in the way of kind words or affirmation. His parents didn’t even speak directly to him, choosing to bark the order to his sister to shut him up instead. He wasn’t even worth their time.

Athena was no better, Rio decided. He had been on the fence for a long time. She had always been the golden child. Strong, smart and fearless. She never questioned them. She followed them to a fault. The two of them had been treated differently for as long as Rio could remember, but he had never settled on why. The two used to be close. They used to look out for each other. Rio always wanted to believe that she had seen that this was wrong too. Had just gone along with it because she wanted to make their parents proud. But tonight was a rude awakening. If his parents were monsters, she was no better. Give it a few years and she may actually be worse. Rio wanted nothing to do with that. Athena tugged at the scarf she had given him, and he pushed back onto his feet and tore the thing off and pushed it back into her. He’d rather freeze to death than wear anything of hers. “Whatever. I just won’t talk.” Rio stated as cold as he could manage, but his voice was still cracking.

“Pick up the pace.” His father spoke. The woman’s body was slung over his mother’s shoulders and the two were already making their way through the trees again. There was no other choice but to follow them, so he did. Though it was pitch black out, Rio could see just fine. Through a narrow path in between tree trunks, his mother and father walked side by side. Inches behind them was Athena, no doubt forcing herself to keep up right behind them. And then, trailing in the back with the distance between them only growing as the seconds passed by, was Rio. He never could quite keep up.

[ihavenomoralsss]

rating the various things i called the vertical tango in my latest fic

"play chesterfield rugby"  6/10 really weird? doesnt make that much sense in context but its funny

"some good ‘ol bushwacking" 7/10 made me strongly exhale through my nose

"the horizontal greased-weasel tango" 8/10 horrible and perfect

"enrage the cave" 7/10 sounds like something from LOTR

"fidget the midget in Bridget" 7.75/10 cringe. also made me laugh.

“gland-to-hand-combat” 8/10 needs no explanation

“Jam the clam.” 8/10 those poor clams

“Launch the meat missile.”  8/10 TERRIBLE I LOVE IT

“Make your way downtown” 8/10 walking fast, faces pass and im homebound

“Negotiate the forested chasm” 9/10 sounds both horny and also like something from a high fantasy novel. it’s terrible. i love it.

“Open the gates of Mordor” 8/10 ACTUALLY from LOTR

“Have a pants-off-dance-off” 9/10 made me giggle to write

“Go dick hunting” 9/10 made both me and my friend laugh

“pressure wash the quiver bone in the bitch wrinkle” 8/10 somehow sounds both painful and funny??? i dunno man

“Releasing the Kraken.” 10/10 ABSOLUTELY PERFECT I LOVE

[theheartsmistakes]

The Last Night Part V

Author’s Notes: Hey all you cool cats and kittens (she did it), here is Part V of my Jordelia (and friends) fanfiction based off of the lovely characters from Cassandra Clare’s novel Chain of Gold. The song sung in the dream sequence is a Persian Children’s song called You Are The Sky's Great Moon. I’m not sure of the author, unfortunately, but it was not me. I just thought it fit so perfectly for how Cordelia feels about her friends and how they feel about her. I am terribly sorry about the wait on this one, but it’s quite possibly my favorite piece yet. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it. As always, if this did tickle your fancy, please hit the <3, reblog, or pop in with a comment. Comments grow my heart and fill me with motivation. Stay safe. Stay healthy. Stay sane. We’re almost out of the woods.

P.S- This one might require some reading of the previous parts. So, here they are in order if you want to catch up:

Here is Part I

Here is Part II

Here is Part III

Here is Part IV

                                                           .Part V.

Cordelia stood in the center of the ballroom of the London institute. It was larger than she remembered it: empty now of the elaborately dressed guests, the waiting staff, the noise of the quartet, and tables of food. The curtains were all drawn away from the arched cathedral windows illuminated the space in the warm light of the auspicious London sun burning away the last hours it had in the sky. The distant London skyline was bathed in blue with not a cloud to be seen for miles. No smoke billowed into the sky from factories or chimneys; no boats crowded the harbors as if she were looking at a picture of London. It felt so warm to be in the light, she wanted nothing more than to bath it in and never leave. 

A light pressure wrapped around her elbow. She turned around to and found herself facing her mother, with her dark hair loose in curls to her waist, standing in front of her.

“Mâmân?” Relief filled her as she wrapped her arms around Sona’s waist and buried her face in her shoulder.

“Layla.” Her mother’s hand slid down the back of Cordelia’s head, fingers sliding through the tendrils. “Do you remember that song we used to sing together when you were a child?"

Sona grabbed Cordelia’s hand; the other pressed against her shoulder blade and suddenly they were dancing across the room. An odd thing, to be dancing with one’s mother, but Cordelia didn’t mind. A smile spread across her face as she matched her mother’s footwork as they spun around the room. 

“It’s been such a long time since we sang it,” said Sona. “I cannot seem to remember how it begins.”

Sona released Cordelia in a spin, the delicate soutache embroidered golden mesh of her dress billowed out around her ankles, and when she turned back around Lucie was standing in her mother’s place. Her tawny hair was twisted back in an intricate braid and her eyes, the same intense blue as the Tenerife sea, glistened as she grabbed Cordelia’s hand. Cordelia had never realized how lacking in height Lucie was— but then Lucie had never invited her to dance. 

“If you are the sky’s great moon.” Lucie’s clear voice filled the empty ballroom as she began reciting the childhood lullaby as they floated in a semi-circle around the room. “I’ll become a star and go around you.”

Lucie paused and stepped away from Cordelia, their hands outstretched, but still clasped together like when they were children swinging around in a circle until they both collapsed from dizziness.

Lucie let go and looked over Cordelia’s shoulder. She turned around just as Matthew strolled across the room in a pinstripe suit and picked her up under the arms and lifted her off of the floor. “If you become a star and go around me, I’ll become a cloud and cover your face.” 

Just as he set her back on her feet, a hand clasped her own and spun her around. “Thomas?”

He turned and shuffled down the room with her beside him. “If you become a cloud and cover my face.”

“I’ll become the rain and will rain down.” She turned to her right to find Christopher.

They raised her arms and both bent at the waist in a bow before disappearing like the rest. Anna came from behind her and walked in a small perimeter around her. Cordelia’s eyes trailed her every step. “If you become the rain and rain down.” 

Alastair walked in the opposite direction of Anna. “I’ll become grass and spring.” The crossed each other and disappeared to opposite sides of the room, leaving Cordelia in the center, right underneath the three tiered crystal chandelier.

A hand slide around her waist. She felt the feather light tickle of fingers sliding down the bare skin of her arm until fingers slide into the spaces between her own. A body pressed firmly against hers from behind. The hand tightened around her middle and she felt someone’s breath on the exposed skin of her neck. “Daisy, my Daisy.”

There was only one boy who called her that.

She spun around to face him. She was so close to him she could see the faint random freckles across his nose and cheekbones. His hair was disorderly, as it always was: a piece fell across his brows, and his warm gold eyes moved across her face as if she were a painting, studying each individual line and stroke and shape that made up the whole picture. 

“James.”

A sharp pain lanced through her ribcage, stealing her breath, as she fell limp against him. It was only then that she noticed a great shadow had stretched across the ballroom stealing away the warmth and the light.

James head bent until his forehead pressed against her own. “When you become grass and spring, I’ll become a flower and sit next to you.”

The shadow inched closer to them until they were a pinpoint in the center of the room. Her hands clung to the fabric of his shirt until her knuckles became white as she drew herself up so their noses were aligned. They recited the last line together. “When you become a flower and sit next to me, I’ll become a nightingale and sing for you.”

A feeling like the floor dropping out from her feet pulled Cordelia away as she was ripped from James once more. 

***

It was dark, that much Cordelia could tell, and it was cold. So cold the tips of her fingers ached. She was flat on her stomach, laying on something hard- stone possibly— that chilled her to her core. A dull, but intensifying pain, ached on the right side of her ribcage with every breath that she took. It was also the only part of her that felt enflamed with heat. Her lungs felt too full, the air scratched against the back of her throat as though she’d inhaled a mouth full of soot. She tried to cough, but nearly cried out from the pain in her ribcage. 

Moving didn’t seem like a viable option, but neither did lying still. She tried to walk carefully through her memories to figure out where she might be. The last thing she remembered was James. He held her so tight; he was so warm and then everything was so cold again. She had said goodbye to James. Then Alastair— she’d been in a carriage with Alastair. The memory of him lying, bleeding in the street made her cringe. She had to find him—to get her stele and get to him.

Her arms shook as she pushed herself to her feet; her teeth clenched so tightly they might crack from the pressure. The pain was agonizing, spotting her vision with white dots; it was only then that she noticed the ground beneath her hands turned to fine powder and disappeared in a gust of wind.

She had been here before, that much she was sure of. The smell of acidic rot and decaying flesh was difficult to forget. Everything around her was orange and hazy like being surrounded by a blazing fire, but without the heat. 

“Welcome back,” said a clear, deep voice that rang through her like the bass of thunder. 

Cordelia stilled, bent awkwardly on her hands and knees. She looked up in the direction the voice had come from. 

He was dressed much the same as the last time she’d seen him, in an all white tailored suit complete with black buttons that glistened like eyes- perhaps they were eyes. His pale gray hair swept across his face; in much the same way as James’, but she would not allow herself to think about that. 

“Didn’t I stab you?” asked Cordelia. 

Belial moved towards her, the tails of his coat flapping in the desert-like wind. “I faintly remember something about that, yes.”

“If at once one doesn’t succeed, one must try again.” Cordelia reached for Cortana with the arm on her uninjured side, but found that her hand closed around empty air where the hilt should be. 

Belial smiled mockingly.

“Where is Cortana?”

“Where it fell,” said Belial. “You see I don’t often make mistakes, but on the rare occasion that I do, I am sure not to make the same one again.”

Cordelia’s head dropped and she looked at her hands. The knuckles on her right hand were bleeding; the pinky on her left hand was angry, swollen, and bend out of place at the joint. Dried blood encased her arms from her elbows to her wrists. There was pain everywhere, enough to swallow anyone whole, but still she tucked her legs underneath herself and sat up with her hands resting on her thighs, as if she were presenting him with an offering. 

The last time she’d been in the shadow realm, she had been with James. They had held each other, defended one another, and barely managed to escape with their lives. Self-preservation hadn’t been a thought in her mind, as if James and herself were one entity, there was none without the other. Now, alone, self-preservation rang through her blood- Shadowhunter blood- every sense awakened and alert; desperate for a fight or an escape.

“What is it that you want from me?” asked Cordelia, the words shook on her lips.

Belial chucked, it echoed around them. “Nothing from you.”

“James.” Cordelia caught her breath and gripped her ribcage. When she looked down at her hand again it was covered in blood. There was a hole in her dress, just underneath her breast, the whole front of her was covered in a dark stain. “He won’t come. He thinks I’m in Idris with my—Alastair. What have you done with Alastair?”

“Consider him a calling card,” he said. “He was wounded quite gravely, but left with enough breath to relay a message as soon as your friends find him. It’s been extremely difficult to capture the attention of either of my grandchildren especially while I… healed, but after some careful observations, I believe I have exactly what will capture their attention.”

Cordelia’s hands clenched around the fabric of her dress, still damp from the rain. “He won’t come.”

“You don’t think so?” Belial raised an eyebrow. “Perhaps you’re right, but no matter, he is not the one that I require.”

Cordelia looked up again. Belial’s face hadn’t changed. It remained expressionless with the stoic passivity of a graveyard statue. “Who— who else would you—“ The thought dawned on her like a punch to the stomach. “Lucie.”

“Very good. I was afraid you were only bronze and no brain,” said Belial. He waved a hand in the air, and for a moment, Cordelia caught the faint outline of an automobile speeding down a London street. The two passengers in the front seemed to be squabbling with one another, a much larger figure sat in-between them with his neck bent awkwardly so his head wouldn’t burst through the top of the cab. Three more figures sat side-by-side in the back, one of them was Lucie. The picture focused on her face, gazing out the window, her body present but her mind lost in thought. “My granddaughter. It’s true, I overlooked her at first, believing James to be the true vessel because of his connection with the shadow realm, but that is until it came to my attention that my granddaughter holds the power to summon the dead. While I did prefer a male form, James is merely an adolescent traveler, jumping from realm to realm as if on holiday.”

The burning intensified in Cordelia’s chest. She could feel sweat drip down her spine despite the chill. 

“Lucie?” Cordelia nearly laughed. Sweet, unassuming Lucie— with ink stains on her fingers and her mind constantly in the pages of her stories— with the ability to summon the dead. “You must be mistaken. If Lucie had the ability to summon the dead, I’m sure that I would know about it. I am her— best friend.”

“Didn’t you just abandon her to go home to Idris?” His lips curled. 

Cordelia shook her head. “No, I—“ She caught her breath and nearly bent over from the pain. “No, I wanted to spare her the humiliation of being seen with me after I—“ She raised herself up again. “I don’t need to explain myself to you.”

“No, I’d much prefer it if you didn’t actually,” said Belial, examining his shoes as if they held more interest to him than the entirety of the conversation. 

“If what you’re saying is true,” said Cordelia, a shudder went through her whole body as the pieces started to come together in her mind. Her mouth became impossibly dry. “Then Lucie would—“

“Be able to summon an army of the undead,” said Belial, as if it were a completely normal thing to do like walking. “A truly wonderful thing about dead people is that you can’t kill them… again. They’ll be unstoppable in destroying your realm: killing, pillaging, destroying, so that I can come and claim it as my own.”

Cordelia let out a deep breath. “Just once I would like for a villain to come up with a less egregious plan than world domination. However, considering who you are— thief of realms and all— this is rather right on character.”

Belial spread his arms out to his sides and bowed at the waist.

“Lucie won’t do it,” said Cordelia, oddly calm. It was one thing she was absolutely sure of. 

“Do you not think so?” Belial squatted down in front of her, still feet away as though she were a wild animal that might attack him at any moment. He was smart— she would. “I didn’t think so either. Not willingly, not unless I had something of great importance to her.” His eyes narrowed. “I tried to capture James but he had more wards around him due to my last attempt. I thought my dear daughter, Tessa, but Tessa seems like the explosive type. Unreasonable, like she might throw herself onto a blade before being used. Then there was her father, William, well I’ll just admit I feared I’d be decapitated before Lucie had a chance to join us.” He cleared his throat. “Her other friends, while they hold great importance to her and would have done the trick, there was the little dilemma of you and that blade. It seemed you were the most logical choice.

“You did make it quite difficult for me,” said Belial. “Always following James around like a loyal dog. I had to think of some way to separate the two of you. That’s where the Blackthorn girl came into play.”

“Grace,” said Cordelia. “Are you controlling, Grace?”

“Not directly,” purred Belial, “but I am not without my connections. You see, I promised the Blackthorn’s to raise their beloved Jesse if they served me. After that, they were like clay in my hands.

“When I found out the Blackthorn girl already had James under a binding spell, it all became rather easy.” Belial laughed. “He went to her like a drunk goes to ale.”

Cordelia swayed slightly and fell to her hip, her arm outstretched to catch her. Tears burned her eyes with rage. How could she know nothing of Lucie’s power; nothing of Grace’s spell on James. It seemed perhaps Belial was right about one thing. Perhaps she didn’t know her dear friends at all.

Belial’s eyes danced and flickered over her, taking in her expression, her resolve, her bleeding waist. 

“Don’t die yet Miss Carstairs.” Belial turned his back to her and crossed his arms. His eyes took to the darkened sky as if waiting for something to fall from it. “There is still a need for you.”

[ceo-of-choco-bibi]

HCLW 107 SPOILERS

I've actually been so upset over the past few days because of the new chapters... nothing to worry about though it's not too serious.

I am making content, in terms of fics I got one more oneshot to add to my current chocotemp collection, a HnK au, and a new series of oneshots, more precisely about how I feel GRG would respond to the current event in the real world. In terms of art I have a few sketch graphs and one piece planned, but it might take a while to churn out.

(Check out my ao3 for my fics! https://archiveofourown.org/series/1811194)

For now I just really want to talk about them because they make me so sad and happy at the same time. Enjoy my rambling.

Giga 13th squad! They're all so cool, Giga's squad are really just Squad 1 Legendary characters team, the other fillers and Squad 13th. I immediately fall for any teleportation-related character, so Veganic is like (chef's kiss)! He is adorable I want to pick him up and put him in my fancy coat pocket.

MASTER SWORDSMAN ALWAYS GETS THE COOLEST PANELS! AS HE SHOULD! HE SLAYS ALL THE TIME UGH I

I hate the word goated but he really is he's the coolest and I hope he knows it! I feel embarrassed for talking to a fictional character but I wish he knows how much I love and cherish him

"There are times in life when you lose. If you're bound to lose, then just do the best you can! Then there will be a next time." I'm so devastated. How could you leave like this. How could you leave so happy when I'm dying over here.

"Give it to Choco Bibi and tell him it's my gift to congratulate him for becoming the second guild master of Grass Roots."

"How about we fight with our swords? It's been a while!"

"There should be a home for him to return to after he's done wandering. I'm going to start a new guild."

You don't understand. I don't have words for how painful this is. Just revel in the pain with me.

And here comes the backstory fluff (aka a sweetener to make the angst more bitter)

"How about we dance to draw attention?" "I think that'll make things worse." HELP ME

I CAN'T BELIEVE BIBI CANONICALLY HAS PRETTY BOY PRIVILEGE!!!! AS HE SHOULD???????

I'm actually never going to shut up about how Bibi never blushes in the presence of women. Like never. MSM and Drip Soup are always blushing when there's pretty women around but really Bibi has never shown attraction. When Pooh Upooh was naked? No. When Coco first entered the guild? No. Here, where a girl literally says she wants to go on a date with him? NO. This is actually my queer agenda, me and Sehun Kim had a talk and we agreed on making Bibi queer coded.

I would have never guessed that Drip Soup and Tempest were both affiliated with Giga for a short while? Guess I manifested my Giga!GRG but in a different way

I've never let go of the headcanon that Bibi is fucking terrible with feelings and is always angry, this just solidifies it more (really, every interaction Bibi has is just solidifying the theory that he's emotionally constipated)

I've also got the feeling that Bibi's super prideful in the sense that he would rather not express weakness (cry, express pain) in front of others (seen when he gets beaten by NM!Bibi the first time on) and that he channels everything into spite and anger instead. I kind of want to see this when he realises MSM is gone later on also. I want to see him get irrationally mad and blame someone (HCLW) before realising (or realising but still feeling lost and like he has to target someone) MSM wouldn't have wanted this. Armes wouldn't have wanted this. His friends are the only ones left.

It really comforts me to see that Master Swordsman is happy with his life right now. I'm kind of stuck between "oh he's happy because he's well off from the game, his work doesn't count" and "anything that you're happy with in life is worth it. You don't need an office job to be happy" though, but for real. I've never wanted a regular office job and I'd rather just do something simple and get by since nothing matters in the long run when I die. But at the same time, I feel like I can only say this because of how privileged I am to be me. It's hard being alive, sometimes. I'll pull through.

Tempest appearance! This time it solidifies my idea that Tempest finds his friends to be more important than himself, at least at this point of time. I expand a lot more in my new fic and I've written a bunch there already, so I'll save it for then (haha, shameless plug)

It's so bloody funny that they're all from the same school and that they're meeting up for a battle. What are you, YouTubers with beef?

TEMPEST BEING A GOODY TWO SHOES NERD? HIS HAIR IS KIND OF FLUFFY? (I die.) TEMPEST AND BIBI IRL INTERACTION? THEY KNOW EACH OTHER IRL BEFOREHAND? (I die again.) BIBI EATING POPCORN? (I die once more.)

Anyways Bibi with a sugar addiction I really do not need to elaborate on this.

They are such LOSERS who does irl fights I swear to god yall EMBARRASSING /lh

I MANIFESTED HEAVY ALCOHOL TOLERANCE BIBI YOU HAVE ME TO THANK FOR THIS!!!!!!! I REALLY DID!!!!!!!! (My linked headcanon was that Bibi's the group protector when they're out drinking. It's sort of true.)

I can't do this. This is a lot for my heart. To whoever looks at this, why? But also thank you for being here it means a lot to me.

MSM RICH

Bibi gets couch rights as he should! Also Bibi and Tempest airpod users while MSM and Soup earphone users?

Glasses and WFL came from nowhere but alright I still love them

The gifts thing. The gifts thing. I am so upset it's unbelievable.

The hat... the hat was given to Bibi by MSM... I want to see him have a breakdown now. I want to see him wear the hat forever on after this arc because it's something solid he has left. He's an art major irl, I want to see him recreate the hat or make art related to MSM.

"You might be grumpy on the outside, but I know you always think dear of me. I'm glad you don't know what I'm doing right now. If you did, you would've stopped me by any means."

It hurts so much.

"Life doesn't always go your way. And sometimes... you just want to run away from the life that turned out so differently. Some people say, the place you run off to is no paradise. They may be right, but those who ran away can still comfort each other there."

GRG IS LITERALLY FOUND FAMILY! THEY ARE LITERALLY-

I cannot do this anymore it's horrible my heart is shattering into a million pieces

"How did we end up like this? You went through enough to deserve a little happiness. Hardcore. Go back to your friends!"

He does deserve it. You deserve it. I hate this. Thank you. Sorry.

And Bibi still doesn't know. He'll be the last to know. "Did he go knowing I loved him? What were his last words? How do I go on? What do I do from now?"

I do want to see them reunite and remember. I do want to see them waddle in their hurt and pain, to heal together, to move on as a guild knowing this is what MSM would have wanted. It's so fascinating seeing someone grow and oh how much have the Grass Roots grown in the past 3 years. They've been close to my heart since forever and I really love them so much.

Final conclusion: I hope you've hurt as much as I do. I hope reading this has shown you something from my perspective that has made you hurt a little more. Talk to me and be my friend so we can hurt together.

On a more self note: Like I said, I'm writing stuff. I'm drawing stuff. It sucks to think sometimes that so few people will see it, but I know that I love what I'm doing. I may be prideful and want more people to love me, but I think I'm not selfish for wanting so. Reading this drains me. Reading this fills me with inspiration and joy and happiness and pain and anger and sadness.

I hope you don't find it just plain cringe that my emotions work like this. I hope that you reading this find comfort in knowing someone feels this way too. Thank you.

[cloudyyoonji]

College Muse.

Bang Chan x Reader

Summary; Music producer! Chan and Writer! Reader both dwell on each other for some help on a project similar in nature.

Genre; FLUFF!!! 

A/N; Hello! Requests are open at the moment, so please feel free to make a request!!

____________________________________________________________ 

i.

Final assignments, or rather nicknamed the 'direct spawn sent from Satan himself’ by the students on campus, are finally approaching, sent in various forms for all students to stress about on their own, tortured by the assignment questions for countless hours upon hours. 
 But a whole dorm room of stressed-out young adults was certainly reflective of the pits of hell. 
 You’re squished up in the corner of the room, the assignment outline fresh in your mind as you plug in your headphones. 
 “You’re going to write a love story,” your professor has told you, hands clasped behind his back. He clicked his tongue, eyes wandering around the room. “The twist? It needs to be a realistic love story. None of that ‘love at first sight’ bullshit. Write me raw and real material.” 


So now you were here, a rough playlist of love songs playing to tune out any background noise of Jisung and Felix yelling as they play some video game, and Wendy’s muffled tapping that seems to be echoing through the whole common room. 
 You sighed, scrolling through countless open tabs on your phone, pen scrawling little notes here and there as you find something interesting to write. Language of Love? Was there such a thing? 
 You note Bang Chan enter the room, keys in one hand and a bag in the other, as you swipe through the songs on your phone, turning back to the notebook to write out a summary of your findings. 
 The couch beside you sinks, causing you to look up and immediately roll your eyes at your dorm mate, who has a goofy grin as he looks down at you, fingers pulling the string of one of your earphones. 
 “Whatcha doing?” Bang Chan asks in the same annoying drawl of a voice he uses to get on your nerves, typically whilst you were studying. 
 You drop the pen in your right hand, using it to shove him off your shoulder, a whine leaving your lips as he laughs at your frustration. 
 “Go away, I’m trying to study.” 
 “On what?” His eyebrows are raised now. “Cheesy love songs? Shouldn’t you study something a bit more interesting? I can show you a few of my demo’s if -“ 
 “They're not cheesy love songs,” you pout, cutting him off. “Besides, it's not the music that I am studying. I’m trying to be a writer, remember?” 
 He takes full advantage of your rhetorical question, letting the whole ‘light bulb moment’ type of exclamation leave his lips in a higher pitch than his regular voice, cut off when you shove him away again, this time curling into a smirk. 
 “You’re studying Love?” “Yes,” you sigh finally, “I have to write a ‘realistic love story’ for my final.” 
 “Oh,” He sits back into the couch now, nodding. “That should be easy for you.” 
 You turn to him now, materials abandoned measly on the arm of the couch, eyes narrowing on the boy as he sits, arms crossed. 
 “And why would that be the case, Bang Chan?” “Because you’ve clearly been in love.” 
 Your hard demeanour drops as you watch the boy for a second or so. “I’ve never been in love, Chan.” 
 “Sure you haven’t,” the blond laughs, “I’ve read your writing. You can convey it perfectly.” 
 Now you’re interested, folding your arms again as you realise that the boy has not a clue of what he’s talking about. 
 “Chan, I’ve never been in love,” you tell him, ignoring the heat that seems to have made its way to your cheeks. “I’ve only ever written about it from an outsiders point of view. I’ve never even been in a proper relationship.” 
 Its a tad awkward. You can see that the top of his ears is painted red by embarrassment. You avoid his eyes in hasty flicks from one thing to another. The fabric of the couch, to the carpet, to the pair who are sitting in the middle of the room, controllers in hand. 
 “It's okay,” the boy finally says, avoiding your eyes too. “I’ve never been in love either, and I’ve got to write and record a freaking love song.” 
 You let a small ‘oh’ slip from your mouth, nodding as your eyes trail back down to your messy notes. 
 “Maybe we could help out each other? Some study dates perhaps?” The boy suggests, a hand indicating your pile of notes, a cheesy smile trying to help fuel his suggestion, trying to win you over. 
 “Not a freaking chance,” you reply, knocking off his smirk as you gather your things. “Do your own study, Mr Bang, then I’ll think about it.” 
 And with that, you leave his shell shocked self on the couch, knowing perfectly well that you’d be showing him those notes in a day or so. 
 ii.

As luck would have it, you were here, two days later, bribed by the one and only for your notes, his not-so-terrible corrupt gift being to buy you coffee for the remaining three weeks until your assignments were both handed in. 
 There was only one weakness you had, and he had exploited it with a smile. But you’d let him. After all, free coffee was free coffee. 
 “You know,” You raise your head, watching the boy over the top of the iced coffee that was clutched in your sweater-ed hands. “My teacher recommended we ‘fall in love’ so we could write a song about it for the unit.” 
 You can't but help laugh, nodding as you swallow the bitter liquid. 
 “My professor said the same.” Rolling your eyes at the memory, your smile turns to a cringe. “Then all the couples cheered and started making out.” 
 He mirrors your disgusted face, fingers curling around his mug of coffee as he sits up to properly read your notes. 
 “‘Love is manipulating” you tell him. “The fine line between love and hate can only come down to trust, which is why love often only ends in pain. We’re pushed to find love, and it can only ruin us. Love simply cannot exist in a realistic sense”

“Wait, wait, wait. You don’t believe that romantic love can exist at all?” 
 You take another sip of your coffee, shaking your head to confirm your answer to his question. “No.” 
 He’s put the notebook down now - or rather dropped it onto the table -, slumping back into the chair as he shakes his head at you, the same smile never leaving his features as he stares at you in disbelief. 
 You mirror him, leaning back, to only gesture to him. “What's your idea then?” 
 Chan seems to think for a second, fingers digging into his pocket to grab a pen, body slumping forwards as he begins writing in your notebook. 
 You take note of the way he slants the paper when he writes, turning his head just slightly to look down at it. It was almost strangely attractive. Chan himself was strangely attractive when he was writing, whether that was in a lecture, or when he was jotting down lyrics. 
 You can see how his fingers grip the pen tightly, pressing it into the paper to write in small, precise letters. Under the curly mess of blond, his eyebrows furrow as he concentrates, transferring the words swirling his head, to the paper. 
 Then he sits up, knocking you from your observatory state, eyes awkwardly landing on the almost empty glass in front of you as you try to mask the fact you were staring a little too intently. 
 “My insight,” he reads. “is that true love will only prevail when one can open their heart and mind, without a doubt that the other person will hurt them. Unlike what you said, I really do think that love is possible.” 

“Maslow explained love to be a need. Everyone must experience love at some point in their lifetime to feel like they are completely themselves. Everyone deserves to feel loved, and everyone needs experience what it feels like to be loved.” 
 You sit forward in your seat. “But that's the thing,” you argue. “A realistic love can only bring you pain and sorrow. That why we only read about fabricated love from peoples minds, because it makes us forget about what a painfully cruel world we can live in.” 
 He sits back, shaking his head, no hint of a smile this time. “But we don’t have to live in that kind of a world. You said it yourself; ‘can live in’. I promise you Y/N, I’ll change your mind by the time the assessment is finished.” 
 “I’d like to see you try.” You reply, eyes firmly on his. 
 He sticks out a pinky, a silent promise. You smile, wrapping yours around his. I promise to change your mind. 
 iii. 
 It’s been a few days since that promise had been made, Chan still not managing to change your mind. Your views were still the same on love, even if your whole common room had disagreed on the most part. 
 But you’d both been busy on this assignment. Chan has been making beats that you could hear through the wall, somewhat soothing to your mind when it was running wild. 
 You’d only had a few hours of sleep, scattered throughout your day. You’d spent it at the computer mainly, your desk littered with empty pens and screwed up paper. 
 Well, it wasn’t just your desk. Your whole room seemed to be completely engulfed by stray papers, many of which had overflowed out from the bin. 
 You hadn’t really left the room, only heading out to the small kitchen for a pack of instant noodles, or to go to the bathroom, then closing the door to the dark room as you returned to your original hunched position. 
 You’d also only seen Chan in brief glances as you were heading back to your room. It seemed that perhaps Chan too was plagued by days of pondering, just as you were. 
 Your glasses are almost pressed against the screen of the monitor, watching the blinking cursor. You can barely see the word; Love, the title of your narrative. No matter how much you looked at the word, you still couldn’t fathom the word. Nothing special came to your mind upon hearing the word, rather only the memory of Chan intertwining your pinky’s in a silent promise to change your mind about love. 
 Was this the first stage of that promise happening already? 
 Likewise, nothing came to your mind upon starting at that stupid cursor for hours on end. You couldn’t possibly start a realistic love narrative with a pinky promise, could you? 
 You don’t quite register the door opening, but you sure do see it. The light of the day seems to burn your eyes almost instantly, a groan escaping from your lips as you scrunch your eyes closed and rub your aching temples with the pads of your fingers. 
 “I knew you were brainstorming, but holy shit Y/N.” 
 Your ears perk up at Chan’s voice, eyes opening to take in the blond who is standing in your door frame, eyes wide as he takes in the discarded drafts of writing. 
 Your eyes follow his, pointed over at the overflowing bin in the corner, a giving him a small sheepish smile when his eyes meet back with yours. 
 Shaking his head, he takes your wrist, pulling you up from the chair. 
 “Hey!” You groan, knees sore from your countless hours of sitting. 
 “We’re going for coffee. You need to get out of this room - No, no, no - this building. You need to get out of this building.” 
 You sigh, following him out of the overflowing room wordlessly. Chan had a habit of being right about things, and this was one occasion you knew you couldn’t argue with him on. 
 The walk to the coffee shop helps you clear your stormy head, ideas coming and going, but the idea of finally having a coffee scratches at your mind. 
 “Hey,” Chan breaks you from your thoughts, walking from the front counter with a number in his hands. “Let’s sit. I’ve ordered.” 
 So you both pile into a booth, awaiting your coffees with sleepy anxiety. 
 Not much is said, yet not much needs to be said. You feel somewhat at peace now that you’re out of your own head. Chan really helped too. You two have become so close over the last few years, that these moments were really nice. You could just chill in each other’s presence without it being awkward. 
 Upon the arrival of the coffees, you perk up a little coffee, drinking up the bittersweet liquid as soon as it touches your fingertips. 
 “Slow down, you’ll make yourself sick, my god.” 
 Looking over your glass, you can see him laughing. Shooting him a sheepish smile, you place the glass down, your fingers fiddling with each other. 
 “Any luck with the music?” You ask finally, looking over the table. 
 “I’ve got the music, it’s just the lyrics and the recording now. But that’s always the hardest part. I’ve got some ideas, so I’m going pretty on track with it all. How’s the writing going?” 
 “Shit,” you laugh, shaking your head. “I’ve developed writers block on the topic of love it seems.” 
 “You’ll get there. Really, it’ll come to you when you least expect it.” 
 You nod along at his words, but it soon turns to a sigh, head falling into your hands. 
 “Chan,” you say tiredly, pulling your head up to look at the boy with all the strength you can truly muster up. “If you don’t let me sleep on your right now, I think I’m going to die.” 
 He loses it. With his head thrown back, you can see that the boy is as almost as tired as you are. Yet, he does get up, slipping into the booth beside you. 
 You fall into him, coffee abandoned from your mind, eyes closing as your head touches his shoulder. 
 His arm goes around you, perhaps instinctively. But you’re too tired to even care, your one final brain cell figuring that perhaps he’s holding you close so you don’t collapse head first into the table. 
 “Thank you,” You whisper tiredly. “I didn’t want to die on a sticky table. Your hoodie is really soft, so now I can die peacefully.” 
 You can feel his smile, the slight laugh too. 
 His free hand pats your hair. “No sticky table endgame for you, my dear.” 
 You laugh at this, eyes still closed as your cheek is pressed to the material of his hoodie. 
 You let your body finally relax a little, blending into the atmosphere of fresh coffee ground - one you really loved. But you can’t ignore the new scent either. This scent felt different, made you feel different. 
 You’re not sure if it’s butterflies or the coffee, but this feeling was something you really had no idea of. 
 Was this the second stage of his promise? 
 iv. 
 The days seemed to blur into each other, most of your hours spent with Chan. You two had made the college cafe your staple shop, meeting at some point in the day to have just space out completely together. It didn’t matter if you were writing on your laptop, or if he was producing on his, his company was just enough for you. 
 It had happened a few times today, but you once again realised with a jolt that you couldn’t stop thinking of the cute producer. You could see him now over the top of your computer, earbuds in as he nods to the beat only he could hear, a wide smile gracing his features when he meets your eyes. 
 Above everything, you wanted him to hold you like he had again. You wanted him to chuck his arm around your shoulders as he laughed at something you’d said. You wanted more than a housemate. 
 You smile back at him, eyes half focusing on the lines you’d typed out. 
 Boy, you’re falling for him, but there's no way in hell that you would be telling him that. 
 “Hey,” Chan’s voice takes your out of your thoughts. “It’s getting late. We should probably head back.” 
 Nodding, you close up your laptop for the night, shoving it into its bag along with the few pens and notebook you had. 
 You both slip out of the cafe, the night air cool against your skin. You adjust the strap of your bag, pulling it up as it begins to slip over your shoulder. 
 With your phone in hand, you can see that its quite late, probably something you’d live to regret tomorrow morning for your 4-hour long lecture. 
 Upon arriving at the dorms, you change and immediately collapse into your bed, bidding Chan a loud ‘goodnight’ as you turn off your lamp. Eyes closing, you barely even remember falling asleep. 
 You also don’t quite remember your dream, but what does stick with you is the sheer terror of a nightmare. It grabs at you, even whilst your asleep. 
 Your eyes shoot open in a blur, breathing heavy as you take in your surroundings. The hefty unsettling feeling lays over you, pressing into your chest as you come to sense just where you are, and what you had been dreaming about. 
 Pushing yourself up, you find yourself getting more anxious, eyes welling as a black pit settles in your chest; heavy. 
 Your feet hit the carpet, hands crossed over your arms as you walk towards the door. 
 The time is far from your mind. 
 Taking a shaky breath, you lightly rap on the door to Chan’s room, your breaths echoing around the kitchen. “Chan, are you awake?" Some part of you prays that he doesn’t answer, to save yourself the embarrassment of being completely in such a state because of one of your nightmares. But then, if he did answer, would it be so bad? 
 The door opens, Chan’s tall frame looming over you. You can see him well, even in the darkness, his hair is slightly tousled, clothes wrinkled. But his eyes are open, awake, and full of concern as they land on you. 
 You don’t say anything, but rather step forward, arms wrapping around his middle. His body relaxes, arms wrapping around your frame. 
 “I’m sorry,” Your voice shakes, cheek pressing against his chest as you try to banish your anxiety away. “I had a nightmare, and I didn’t know what else to do…” 
 He nods, holding you a little tighter. It seems to relieve you in some weird way; to be held in the arms of someone you know is safe. 
 You’d told him previously about how your nightmares were induced by stress. When it had gotten especially bad within your first year of studying, he’d stayed in the common room with you until you’d felt better. 
 “You don’t need to explain,” Breaking away from you, he keeps a hand on your wrist, opening the door a little wider. “You can stay with me if you’d like.” 
 Wordlessly, you nod, following him in. 
 Sitting down on the side of the bed, you feel slightly awkward, watching as he crosses to the other side and slips under the blanket. 
 “You can lie down you know.” “O-oh, okay.” 
 Some part of your brain cringes at your response, knowing that you’ll probably live to regret it later. But for now, you lie down, focusing your efforts on trying to get to sleep. 
 You let out another shaky breath, eyes wandering over the room of his room. Knitting your fingers, you try not to disturb the boy with your fidgeting. 
 A hand comes into contact with your own, making you look over at the boy, who is wide awake next to you. He gestures for you to move a little closer, a light smile on his features. 
 “Are you sure?” You whisper, heartbeat loud in your ears. 
 “You look like you need a hug.” 
 So you comply, turning into him, head rested on his arm. You feel his free arm pull you close. 
 Sure, you’d hugged Chan before, hell you’d even cuddled him. 
 But this was different, right? Your heartbeat was telling you that much, a constant pound in your chest you prayed that Chan couldn’t feel. 
 You’re not sure when exactly you close your eyes, but when you open them again, you’re pressed to his chest, his hands laying neatly on your back as his arms encircle you. 
 You barely realize how close you truly are, slumber taking over you in a short few seconds, mind shutting down for the night once more. 
 Chan is holding you. Chan is holding you.

... 
 The sound of your alarm is blaring, body groaning almost subconsciously as you roll over to stop the noise. 
 Hand flapping out across the bedside table, you suddenly realize with a jolt that you’re not in your room. 
 Bolting upright, you take in the unfamiliar room, your alarm cutting off to signal 6 more minutes of sleep. But you can’t sleep, mind wide awake as you process what exactly happened last night. 
 Looking around, there are no traces of the boy, rather a yellow sticky note in his place. 
 “Had a 6am lecture. There’s a coffee in the fridge though!! Shoot me a text when your lecture is finished and we can get some actual coffee.” 
 You smile down at his messy scrawl, eyes gazing around the room. 
 It is neat, everything in its own spot. His desk is specially organized, music equipment laid out near some pens and an open notebook, a notebook you saw him with quite often. 
 You don’t even realize your standing in front of it till you see the messy scrawl of song lyrics writing in your hands, eyes darting back and forth as you take in the words. 
 His songs, they were beautiful. 
 Then it hits you like a bolt of lightning. His songs seemed to spark something deep in your mind, fingers itching to write down the ideas that have been summoned to the forefront of your mind. 
 Neither less to say, you didn’t focus too much on your lecture, but rather sat at the back, fingers clicking over the keys of your laptop, the ideas are written in a messy scrawling only you could truly read sitting next to you. 
 You’re writing, after a long case of writers block. But you’re writing with him at the forefront of your mind. 
 If that was a good or bad thing, you don’t know. But you do know that your feelings about Bang Chan had definitely changed. 
 You like him, just like you always had. He was still your goofy best friend of a housemate, who laughed with you when you did something stupid, who made you both hot chocolate on your 3am study sessions. 
 The boy who promised to change your mind about love. Now he really was. 
 v.

“It's finished!” 
 You look up at the blond who is beaming as he walks towards you, notebook in hand. 
 You know what he means immediately. The song, the love song, was finished. 
 You give him a grin equally as big, gesturing for him to sit across from you in the booth. 
 “Can I listen?!” You ask, watching as he fumbles with his phone. 
 “Of course,” he looks at you incredulously. “You don’t get a choice.” 
 You laugh at this, shaking your head as he hands you his earphones, fingers hovering over the play button on the track memo. Giving him the thumbs up, you can’t but help the chills that run over your body as the first note plays. 
 “I love it already.” You tell him. He holds up a hand, silently telling you to keep listening, but the smile on his face is evidence that your compliment is enough to fluster him a little. 
 The song is almost exactly like your story. From the recounts of precious memories to the feelings of being grounded, safe. 
 Some part of your heart swelled at the lyrics, and the other sank. 
 The song was so beautiful, and yet so sad. Just how long would you two be walking together in your dreams? 
 “What do you think?” 
 He’s taken out one of the headphones now, a wide smile on his face, but fingers fidgeting at one of his rings. 
 “I really like it, Chan.” You tell him, which was certainly the truth. You do like it. “It’s really beautiful.” 
 You guess that some selfish part of you wanted the song to be about you. That this was his way of confessing. That you two could walk together in one dream, just as the characters in his song do. 
 But the boy just smiles, thanking you as he stuffs his things into his pocket. 
 “Do you want your regular?” He asks. “Yes please.” 
 Your eyes linger over his frame as he slips out from the seat, walking towards the counter. 
 His hair often bounced as he walked, but you noted that today it was laying slightly flatter than his usual curly mess, parted down the middle, brushed, and styled too. 
 It’s like he was trying to impress someone. And maybe that someone wasn’t you. 
 Even if this was the case, you couldn’t scrap your whole story now. You would finish it, even if it meant you had to do it painfully. 
 Setting the number down, his hand runs in front of your face. 
 “Hello? Earth to Y/N?” 
 You blink, knocking you from your unconscious staring. “Oh, sorry.” 
 His smile fades slightly, body leaning forward. “You okay? You don’t seem like your normal self.” 
 Forcing up a smile, you shake your head, pointing to your temple. “Too many thoughts today.” 
 You had a habit of being in your own head, Chan knew this too. It was just what you did as a writer, brainstorming ideas or little snippets of writing you acted out in your head. 
 “Do you need paper?” 
 You nodded, fingers pulling the pen from your bun. 
 You’d put it there during your lecture, something you often did on the days your creativity sparked. 
 He passes you his notebook, the same one you’d seen earlier that morning, flipping to a blank page before pushing it in front of you. 
 You hesitate, looking up at the male across from you before you press the ink to the paper. 
 One thought seems to come to the forefront of your mind, pen swirling across the page in cursive letters as you write it down 
 “I think you might have the prettiest eyes in the world.” 
 It was cheesy, but it was really the truth. Every time you made eye contact with Chan, his eyes seem to glimmer. Watching him produce was like that too. You could see the passion reflected in his eyes. 
 “I think you might have the prettiest eyes in the world,” You barely register the words coming from your mouth, looking up at Chan with wide eyes. 
 “I said that out loud didn’t I.” “Yes. You did.” 
 You cover your face in embarrassment, and apology on your lips. But he speaks before you get a chance to even justify yourself. 
 “You know,” he looks around the cafe. “I usually hate Monday’s, but now I get to see you, so I quite enjoy them.” 
 Your heart beats wildly in your chest, hands dropping into your lap. You avoid his eyes, pink staining your cheeks. Was this what you thought it was? 
 He shakes his head, hands now flat on the table. 
 “Will you continue being my Sunday poetry and coffee, muse?” 
 You look up at him, heart in your throat. “Did you just ask me out in fancy terms?” 
 “Maybe,” Chan shrugs. “You have to admit, it was a good line. So what do you say?” 
 Sitting up now, you finally look him in the eyes, his light smile triggering your own. 
 “I say yes, but only if you continue to be my pre-lecture 6am Monday coffee.” “Deal.” 
 vi.

Bursting into the common room, you hold up the stapled mass of paper in your hand. 
 “It’s finished!” You exclaim to those in the room, getting a load of cheers and claps in return. 
 Even though your assignment was due tomorrow, you had to admit that this was the first assignment you’d really invested your time in doing, hopefully producing one of your best pieces of writing so far. 
 Chan appears from nowhere, easily taking the stapled story out of your hands with nothing but a swipe, planting himself on the couch as he flicks to the first page. 
 You sit across from him, eyes watching as his flick over the pages of typed print, a small smile here and there. 
 “This seems like a very familiar story.” He smirks, handing the stack back to you when he’s finished. 
 You roll your eyes, biting back a sarcastic remark. 
 “It seems my professor was right about finding someone to fall for.” 
 He raises an eyebrow at this. 
 “Does this mean your views on love have changed?” “...yes.” 
 The mumbled reply doesn’t go unnoticed by Bang Chan, body moving closer to yours, a wide smile on his features. 
 “Did I finally convince you? Did you really change?” 
 “Only for you, Bang Chan.” You tease, shoving him away. 
 His hand touches his chest, face expressing an overdramatic response to your words. “Stop it, I’m shy.” 
 Rolling your eyes, you hit his head with printed narrative, standing up from the couch. 
 “I think this calls for a coffee.” 
 “Agreed,” he links his arm with yours. “I could use a coffee.” 
 ... 
 Knocking on the door of your professor, you shoot Chan a nervous smile, hand pushing down on the handle at the sound of a muffled ‘come in’. 
 “Hi,” you say, holding out the stack of paper towards him. “I’ve just come in to give you my assignment.” 
 “Ah,” he smiles, taking the paper with two hands. “Thank you.” 
 His eyes flick to Chan, who is standing at the door, then back to you. 
 “Y/N,” he asks, eyes turned up in a smile. “Did you enjoy this assessment? I’m trying to get all of my students feedback on it.” 
 “Oh,” you breathe, nodding. “I really enjoyed it. I feel like I learnt a lot, and grew as a future writer.” 
 He nods, holding up your pages. “I sure look towards to reading this. Thank you, you may go now.” 
 Politely bowing your head as a silent thanks, you give Chan a small smile as you turn back, walking towards the corridor. 
 “Oh Y/N!” “Yes, sir?” 
 Your fingers are on the handle of the door, other hand lacing with Chan’s nervously. 
 “Didn’t I tell you?” He gestures to Chan and you, a knowing smile on your face. 
 You both laugh nervously, nodding. 
 He smiles at this, shaking his head. “Go on, you two lovers. I won’t waste your time much longer.” 
 Quickly scurrying off, you two laugh about your professor. 
 “How much do you want to bet that he totally planned this with your teacher.” 
 “Hey, that’s a fair idea,” Chan replies, looking down at you. “He probably knew that someone was bound to take his advice.” 
 Rolling your eyes, you shove him away from you lightly. 
 “I take everything back.” “C’mon! I’m your man now!” 
 His shoulder rubs against yours as you two continue walking. 
 “You know, I flirted with you nonstop for like the last few months.” 
 You stop walking, looking up at him. 
 “You did?” “Yes, but you were way too thick to notice. Hell, Y/N, I literally called you sweetheart, muse, and my dearest.” 
 You huff, crossing your arms. “So you planned this? For me to finally fall for you whilst we were doing this topic?” 
 He shrugs with a cheesy smile. “Maybe. I mean, now you get to get your 6am Monday coffee with me.” 
 You shake your head at him, wrapping your arm around his middle. “I’m glad you did because now I get free coffee for the rest of my life.” 
 Arm around your shoulder now, he laughs, throwing his head back in such a way that made you laugh along with him. 
 “You just make my day,” he comments, pulling you closer to him. “SIKE you’re an idiot!” 
 The kiss that is pressed to your cheek makes you squirm, trying to push him in the chest. But his grip is way too strong for you, laugh loud in your ears. 
 Shaking your head, you finally push him. “You’re dead to me now Bang Chan.” 
 “Baby!” He muses, now walking backwards as he keeps up with you. “Cmon! I was only being sarcastic!” 
 “I’m going to laugh so hard when you trip over.” you deadpan, eyes focused straight ahead as you cross your arms over your chest. It was hard not to smile, it tugging at the sides of your mouth. But you don’t give in to the itch. 
 “That’s only because I’m falling for you, sweetheart.”