#boromir is confused 90% of the time

[paxny]

Lotr where everything is the same except Boromir is the only character who isn’t a muppet.

Every single other character that appears is played by a muppet. But Boromir is still Sean Bean.

My man would be so, so confused it would be great.

[esta-elavaris]

I think the funniest thing so far that has come out of me rewatching and reading LOTR for your fic is that I’m finally starting to wrap my head around it all. There are still a lot of things that still confuse me but I’m like, starting to get it. Feel like I’m a 5th grader shoved into 11th grade history sometimes but yknow what I’m gonna get through it

Also indeed Boromir CAN get it. I totally forgot everything about him with the ring and it makes me excited to see what you do with him hehe

You've caught me, the fic isn't a fic but actually some subtle pro-Boromir propaganda to save folk from falling into the trap of viewing him as a villain in the early stages of becoming So Normal about this series.

But NO, honestly, confession time? I did not like the movies the first time around (I hadn't read the books) when I was 13. Like, I thought they were crap. I think because I watched them with friends so it's never the same as fully immersing yourself into something? Then I couldn't get them out of my head and watched them again a week later on my own and uhhhh now I am like this. So I'm honoured to be dragging you back into them! It's how I make my amends for being so woefully wrong all those years ago.

I think what's nice about how much it can be to take in, especially with the books, is that after you just roll with it and stop being stressed out about not understanding some parts, it adds so much repeat value for later? Like each time you watch/read you pick up something new or understand new bits that you just had to gloss over last time, it's lovely.

God, the whole thing with him being affected by the Ring is going to be rough, though. Like things aren't exactly sunny now, but it's going to be so sad - like at least with Norrington, when things started getting grim and dark he had his faculties about him and could think somewhat clearly 90% of the time? Whereas this is just sad.

[cqlfeels]

In which I am overindulgent and make a(n incomplete) list of MDZS+ characters and the Tolkien characters they would love if they read and enjoyed his books*

* This isn’t to say they would get along with these characters if they met, just that they would like them as readers

Yunmeng Jiang

JYL: I mean, hobbits as a group, just in general. Particularly loves Rosie Cotton as portrayed in the book. (Might have cried reading Beren and Luthien, but only because she was going through A Lot at the time)

JC: It’s Boromir, but he feels like that’s the wrong answer somehow so he chooses Fingolfin and that also backfires because now everybody thinks he’s broadcasting his daddy issues when he just wanted to be the guy who stabs Morgoth

WWX: Doesn’t have a favorite when he’s young, but the older he gets, the more he appreciates Maedhros, for philosophical reasons. Has a crush on Glorfindel and doesn’t realize his experiences aren’t universal, which makes for Interesting conversations with other fans

Gusu Lan

LXC: I know the common fandom opinion is Elrond, and I definitely agree, but I think he’d also like Finrod. Depends on which book he’s reading, really

LWJ: Will not admit to liking anyone because he won’t lie, and the true answer is Feanor and he finds that mortifying. Caveat that the same instinct that gives him his canon YLLZ kink does make him prone to overreacting to like 90% of thirsty Sauron fancontent, which is something WWX found fun back when they were teenagers

LSZ: Throughout canon, from toddler all the way to the last scene, it’s Bilbo. Post-canon he suddenly loves Elrond. For reasons.

LJY: Gandalf for his dialogue. Developed a sudden passion for Beren As The Best First Age Hero the instant he noticed JL is a Turin fan (His favorite scene is the starving in the forest interrogation from The Hobbit, though)

Lanling Jin

JZX: Thingol Has Done Nothing Wrong Ever In His Life

JGY: If anyone asks, Barahir. Secretly? Rian.

MXY: Also Maedhros but for very different reasons than WWX. Has read every h/c fic on AO3, but also every dead dove, and at this point doesn’t remember what’s canon and what’s fanon

JL: Turin. (“Because he’s cool!” he will say to LJY, but it’s actually because he misses his parents) Also a huge fan of Huan as a concept

QS because I can: Indis, but before she had read HoME it was Legolas. People tend to find that confusing.

Qinghe Nie

NMJ: Men as a group, Theoden and Hurin in particular - you’re gonna die, but do it right

NHS: He doesn’t know, he doesn’t know, he doesn’t know! If pressed, he’ll say Finarfin and it’s like, 75% true

Qishan Wen

WQ: Morwen, but she vibes with what Rivendell is trying to do

WN: Should be Sam, but he imprints on Fingon once he reads the Silm. WQ wishes he liked literally anyone else.

Bonus Yi City

XXC: Nienna, but he’s been known to Contemplate several characters

SL: Imrahil (Also: strict book purist, and a huge Gimli fan - these things are related)

XY: Doesn’t actually like Tolkien but ships silvergifting. Finds the fall of Numenor hilarious as a concept despite having only skimmed the Akallabeth

AQ: Honestly? She thinks Gollum is delightful

[cathymee]

I am 100% sure that Frodo, Merry, and Pippin quote vines randomly every damn time. Aragorn is 90% done with their shit (because 10% of the time he thought it was cute), Gandalf doesn't even bother responding to them (ooh, but there was one time Pippin sang "wait a minute, mr. postman" and Gandalf is just like, "yeeeyeeeheeaa"), and the others are just straight up confused. There was also this one time Boromir literally drops to the ground, held the three hobbits close to him and was just like, "Please. Please. Fucking explain this to me." (They never did.)

[esseastri]

Megan Reads Oathbringer (part 1)

Me: okay but I don’t remember the back half of WoR, I should really, really finish the reread before starting... Also me: okay, buuuuuuuuuuut................what if I just..............start

[insert evilkermit.jpeg here]

There are a few relevant points of information:

Tags: Megan reads OB and Oathbringer spoilers. (I’ll also have housekeepers on there, like Brandon Sanderson, Stormlight Archive, and Oathbringer, but those first two are the important ones.)

Everything will be under a readmore.

Above the readmore will be the page numbers covered in that liveblog, so you’ll know how far I’ve gotten (and that way, if you’ve read that far you’ll be okay to read the lb).

There's…going to be a lot of swearing? I have learned that I have no control over my language when I get overly emotional and I feel like I’m going to spend a lot of this book overly emotional. I would like to apologize in advance, and while I promise to try to keep my swearing to a minimum, there might be more than a few bad words.

Shameless self-promotion for the previous two liveblogs: WoK and WoR.

I’m pretty sure that’s all the important bits. Enjoy!!

Part One encompasses pages 1-90 (subsequent parts)

*screams quietly into the ether forever*

PROLOGUE

hoooolly shiiiiiiiittt: Eshonai

Please tell me this means we’ll finally learn why the Parshendi killed Gavilar.......

SHE’S SO EXCITED I’M SO SAD I hate knowing what’s happened to her

...the Parshendi...didn’t know about the parshmen? what? the heck?

I’m....baby Esh is so excitable and curious and I.. love her. and I’m so. so sad. that she loses this.

“an indoor privy with running water, a concept she still didn’t understand.” Who does, babe. Who does.

me, every time amaram appears: “fucking asshole. fuck off fckkkk” I just.... hiss like a cat every time his name appears on a page. I hate him. ARGH.

I spelled his name as “aramaram” and had to go correct it I was so upset he was HERE that I forgot how to spell.

“Traitors who had abandoned their gods to be free.” And they FEARED the return of their gods, before stormform and the Everstorm. They feared it--because they were not free... But...stormform isn’t freedom, and their gods are back and....history repeating itself?

Also, the fact that Gavilar took the time to learn her name is very endearing and like... Gavilar was A Good, guys. He tried so hard.

NOOPE NEVERMIND, BAD, ACTUALLY. THAT’S SO SELFISH WHAT THE HECK

“Bring back your evil, destructive, enslaving gods so that we can have our nice, honorable, fighty ones back please.” NO, THAT’S SO DISGUSTING THAT’S SO SELFISH WTH

GAVIILAARRRR. I BELIEVED IN YOU! I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU!! WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU

WAIT, so he was getting the visions before Dalinar? Did we know this already? That makes sense... it’s very Boromir/Faramir, tbh, but like... what, one died, and Honor was like “welp. guess we’ll try his bro”

wait, okay, so ...the black sphere that he gives Szeth...........what. Esh knows what it is--so it’s some kind of spren. But it’s not the angerspren/hatespren that they bond with for stormform--those are red. So what’s...this one? Voidspren? Are there voidspren? Voidspren to create voidbringers...presumably more powerful than stormform.

I AM CONCERNED.

PART ONE

okay, that map tho; after reading Edgedancer, I’m VERY CONCERNED that there’s an Oathgate to Aimia... I don’t need any more 200-cremlings-in-a-trenchcoat popping up out of nowhere, but thanks anyway

it makes sense that this book stats with Dalinar, but HOW! IS! MY! BOY! WHERE! IS! KALADIN!

Dalinar is so polite tho. saying ‘thank you’ to the Stormfather

Also ONLY SIX DAYS???? AAHH

“It had been a hardy, stubborn lot who had grown in this place.” This is Kholinar: it highstorms nine months of the year, and weeps the other three. Any food that grows here is tough and tasteless. The people that grow here are even more so. The only upsides are the pets. While other places have...cats or chickens, we have...cremlings.

(Though Lisa made a good point--are there actually cremlings?? or are all cremlings just...bits of Aimians scuttling about like spy bugs?)

“The queen had gone silent.” I...genuinely don’t trust her, and I’m more inclined to believe she’s radio silence out of a need to save her own damn skin than any other reason.

......somehow I never really thought that Odium would be light...

THE WOMAN HE LOVED

YAASS.

(I have priorities)

They’re being cute. It’s been, like, half a page and I’m just over here making big, cooing noises at them being cute. help.

OH SHIT THAT WAS QUICK

THEY FOUND SADEAS ALREADY AND I AM CONCERN

(tho, I mean...it took them six days to find the body, that’s....actually not really quick. but still.)

OH WAIT NO, OKAY, IT TOOK THEM  ONE DAY WELL SHIT

oh god

Adolin, bby. pls. don’t.... LISTEN, THE FIC I WROTE ABOUT GUILTSPREN WAS A FIC

HI TEFT I HAVE MISSED YOU BUT ALSO PLS CALM DOWN AAAHHHH

this is page frikkin 37 and I’m already dying

I’M SO SCARED OF WHAT IALAI WILL DO. SHE’S GONNA PIN THIS ON BRIDGE 4 I KNOW IT. SHE’S GONNA TRY AND I’M GONNA SCREAM

WHY IS ADOLIN HERE. KIDDO PLS. DOn’T COME BACK TO THE SCENE OF THE CRIME I’M

unrelated, but I can’t stop thinking about baby Eshonai basically damning her people to war and revenge to stop their gods from returning and Venli just like...whipping a godling out her pocket like “nvmd, we’re doing this anyway” and like. fuck Venli, tbh.

Back to current events and:

I love Palona.

“steady Adolin and impenetrable Renarin” HE LOVES HIS SONS SO MUCH I’M CRY

“certainly wouldn’t have gone so far as to kill Sadeas themselves” ABOUT THAT

I love that Urithuru has safety railings. like... throwing shade at every big space opera ever.

I still don’t know how I feel about Lopen growing his arm back...

“Our ultimate goal is the preservation of Roshar” Sorry, bud, Preservation is dead...

and also on a different planet.

AAAWWW SNAP! THIRTY-FOUR YEARS AGO! HERE WE GO!!!!

“He didn’t need Shards to intimidate.” Nah, but I bet they help.

tbqh, it’s really, really weird to think of Dalinar fighting not in Shards.

excuse you, that horse did nothing to deserve that.

heheheheh, so much for your nose, bucko

Gooooddddd, Brandon writes battle so cinematically. I want to film this. Gaaaahhh

of...of course punk!Dalinar’s horse is named Fullnight. How deliciously extra of him.

“I tried to kill you!” “from a distance! Which shows remarkably good judgement!” DALINAR, PLEASE. 

Enthusiastic ultra-Gryffindor rambo Dalinar is hilarious

It’s been 50 pages, where’s Kaladin

Sadeas in YELLOW shardplate?? who is he?

Also, ngl, I’m a lil pissed that I still have to deal with Sadeas--even if it’s young, not-quite-so-vile Sadeas. Like......he’s dead! I shouldn’t have to put up with his slimy face anymore!

“What would we do without you?” “Lose.” What an asshole. What a dudebro. I hate how much I love him.

the Thrill concerns me, tbh.

I know that we know it is of Odium, but like. It Concerns me.

THAT WAS QUICK

THE EVERSTORM TURNAROUND??? THAT WAS DISTRESSINGLY QUICK?

I’m sad Dalinar doesn’t get a little spren buddy wandering around with him at all times, because, like. Stormfather. But like. spren buddy.

Now I’m trying to picture the vast and infinite Stormfather just flitting around Dalinar’s head in meetings and making faces at Syl across the table and laughing my ass off.

oh NO not her SAFEHAND

seriously, they. are. so. cute.

“Your stubborn refusal to get seduced is making me question my feminine wiles.” HAAAAHAHA OMG, DARLINGS PLEASE

also, Dalinar, omg, give it up already, bro.

I realize there are like...ecological and climatology implications of the Weepings stopping before they are supposed to, but I can’t help but be glad that Kaladin won’t be suffering for as long as he normally would with the seasonal depression...

WHAT! WAS! THE! BOON! ...unless this is the boon. Unless Dalinar asked for the Nightwatcher to take away the pain of losing his wife and instead she took away his wife... and his punishment is something else.

in which case WHAT! WAS! THE! PUNISHMENT!

“I’d let a confused dishwasher marry us.” I realized belatedly that she meant, like...a person who washes dishes. And not a machine that washes dishes that most people on earth have in their kitchens.

Also, Dalinar and Navani really need to please stop being so adorable, I’m SO HAPPY THEY’RE GETTIN MARRIED AND THE FRIKKIN STORMFATHER IS GONNA OFFICIATE THAT’S HILARIOUS I LOVE THEM

I LOVE THAT THE WEDDING IS LIKE... HIM AND NAVANI AND THE BOYS AND SHALLAN AND A FEW OTHER MINIONS. THIS IS DELIGHTFUL. I LOVE THIS

THERE IS NOTHING ABOUT THIS I DISLIKE

Bridge Four is too important for guard duty! They’re so important! They’ve come so far!!!! I LOVE THEM!!??

she just had a wedding dress just... lying around.

god I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!

...poor Elhokar. “if only we could keep up.” boy has no confidence and no chance to learn it.

NAVANI’S FRIKKIN GLORYSPREN OMG

“What does he remember that I cannot?” Uh...your other wife, my dude. I’m sure this has something to do with how your wife died.

AAHH. HERE HE IS!!!! THE BOY!!!!! MY BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

nooooo. no, kaladin please. you didn’t fail. oh god, no, come on. don’t think like that.

I’m

aaahhhhh

“It felt wrong not to bear the symbol of Bridge Four.” AAAHHHHHHH

I’M

!!!!!!!!!

I’m JUST NOT OKAY

aahh, at least he was properly concerned about the Everstorm filling his spheres with...bad stuff? of some kind? I’m super glad that it didn’t, that it doesn’t, but like. At least he was concerned about it!

hello fronds, I love Syl a LOT

also: covered safehand, that’s hilarious. She’s a real grown up, now!

nooooooooooo

it can’t be all dead

they have to have

someone has to have been smart enough to get a large part of the town into shelter

Kaladin, your dad isn’t stupid, he would have. he would have tried.

(this would be way, way more distressing if I hadn’t been spoiled for the fact that Lirin and Hesina are alive...like...I’d probably be crying right now.)

“How often are you going to make me apologize for that?” Pfffft I mean.

HE GREW UP AND THEY DON’T RECOGNIZE HIM AND I’M

AAAHHH

“Are there wounded” and he just GOES because that’s where his dad would be and he just . goes. to his dad.

I’m crying?

THEY’RE CRYING I’M CRYING EVERYONE IS CRYING

THEY THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD AMARAM FUCKING TOLD THEM HE WAS DEAD AND I’M

THEY’RE

“MY SON IS ALIVE” YEAH HE IS AND HE’S AMAZING AND YOU’RE GONNA BE PROUD OF HIM OH

I’M

AAHHHHHH

I really hate Amaram. A lot.

his mom is a good. and she just keeps her hand on his shoulder like protectiveness and like reassurance that he’s still there and I’m. aaaAAAHH

“For now, he just wanted to be here with them.” GOOD. LET THE BOY REST. LET HIM EAT SOUP AND REST.

“The wrong-way highstorm” I mean...not wrong

“They never got to meet Captain Kaladin” aaAAHHH

I HAVE A LOT OF EMOTIONS ABOUT INCARNATIONS OF HUMANS AND I’M

this is a lot

LIRIN OFFERING TO BUY THE WRIT OF SLAVERY IS A LOT I’M JUST

crying

“Perhaps it was time to stop letting the rain dictate his mood. He couldn’t banish the seed of darkness inside him, but Stormfather, he didn’t need to let it rule him either.”

I...have a lot of feelings about Kaladin.

And I have a lot of feelings about how Kaladin and his depression interact and about how he deals with it. And how he’s seen the worst in himself and promised to never let it get that bad again. And how he’s seen that even though it’s a part of himself that he has to keep fighting, keep dealing with, keep understanding, it doesn’t have to be the only thing in him, the only thing in his life, the only part of him that matters. He can have other parts, other important bits of him and his personality. He might always have bad days, but that doesn’t have to be the majority of them. Not if he chooses to be stronger, to try to get better. There’s always going to be depression, but that doesn’t mean he can’t be other things.

It took me a longass time to come to that same realization and I just...am really, really... proud of him? and of myself? and of anyone who has depression who thinks the same way we do? and though I’ve found it to be a smidge disconcerting to have your own personal thought processes spelled out on paper by someone who isn’t you, there’s a comfort in that...I’m not the only one who feels like this, who has these ideas, who makes these decisions about my depression.

Anyway, I really, really love Kaladin and I’m. emotional . and I’m. “He didn’t need to let it rule him either.” No. We don’t. We can deal.

ANYWAY I’M EMOTIONAL ABOUT KALADIN AND IN OTHER NEWS WATER IS WET, FIRE IS HOT, AND THE WORLD IS ROUND.

WAIT. Did Syl.....was she aiming for someone else? “distant yet demanding”. Who else...was she gonna bond with. before Kaladin? My first instinct is Tien, but that...doesn’t fit. One of his men? in his squad? Or before that, Hesina maybe? I’m? ...surely not Lirin...... he’s not. enough.

god, his first thought is that Adolin would be disappointed in fashion heheheheh I love these boys. becoming friends. maybe. hopefully.

KAL PUNCHING ROSHONE IS A++ 100% GRADE A GOOD SHIT

GOD BLESS

AAAAAAHHHHHHH

“That was for my friend Moash” I’M!!!!!!!!!!!! EMOTIONAL!!!! ABOUT MY BOYS!!! AND THEIR FRIENDSHIP!!!!! PERSISTING EVEN THOUGH BAD DECISIONS!!!!

Kaladin’s stubborn refusal to give up on people is. A Lot. EVeRYTHING IS A LOT. THIS IS A LOT

“and for the first time in a long, long while, he was happy with that person.” THAT’S CAUSE YOU’RE A GOOD PERSON THE BEST PERSON AAAHHH

SUMMONING SYL AND “ANY QUESTIONS” AND OHHH MY GOD. that shit’s hot. I’m. hhnnnggggggg

“until he had enough stormlight to fly home.” home. I mean, we knew that “home” wasn’t Hearthstone anymore, but. Dalinar is home. The warcamps, Urithuru. Bridge Four. I...I am so proud of how far Kaladin has come.

“I don’t like the idea of swinging you around, smashing you into things.” “Firstly, I don’t smash into things. I am an elegant and graceful weapon.” HI, I LOVE SYL A LOT

GET IT, LARAL

HECK YE

“That’s a girl I was never going to marry, no matter what happened.” “I like her.” “You would.” I LIKE HER TOO SHE’S STRONG AND CAPABEL AND DON’T NEED NO MAN. GET IT, GIIIRRLL!!!!

I love that Roshar has a Hippocratic oath equivalent. I also have mixed feelings on Lirin’s incredibly strict adherence to his Hippocratic oath equivalent. like..yeah, Do No Harm is one thing. But being self-righteous about it to the point of not wanting your son to fight evil monsters from the void? Take a chill pill, my dude.

NAVANI SPANREEDING HIM PERSONALLY IS A LOT

also, I really have strong feelings about Dalinar generally addressing Kaladin as “soldier” and the responding “Sir.” I know they had a long talk about chain of command, but it’s just. so satisfying that it’s still going.

“Send us a glyph each evening to know you are safe.” GOOD DAD IS WORRIED ABOUT HIS SON AND I’M EMOTIONAL

AAAHHHHH HIS VERY FIRST INSTINCT IS TO HOLD HIS BABY BROTHER I’M!!! KALADIN IS SO GOOD AND LOVING AND WONDERFUL!!!

guys, I don’t know if you know this about me, but I really love Kaladin.

guys, I don’t know if you know this about me, bUT I REALLY LOVE KALADIN.

[doctorwer]

Quick and Dirty History of Middle-Earth Part 26 Part C

Part 26 Or So Let’s Play “What Were They Up To Before They Were Famous, Part C”

Names

Aragorn II (Revered King)

Thorongil (Eagle of the Star)

Elessar (Elfstone, given to him in reference to Arwen giving him her Elfstone)

Edhelharn (Sindarin equivalent of Elessar)

Estel (Hope)

Strider (Name used in Bree)

The Dúnadan (Name used by Bilbo)

Longshanks (Another Bree name. Reference to the fact that Bree humans had shorter legs than Aragorn with his Dúnadan heritage).

Arakorno (Quenya form of Aragorn)

Born: Third Age 2931

Age at time of Lord of the Rings: 88

He has too many names. Also, his birthday is March 1st! Anyway, his father was the Chief of the Dúnadan, the Rangers. As was traditional, Aragorn, the future Chef, grew up as a foster child of Elrond. But when he was only 2, his dad, Arathorn, was shot through the eye by an orc. Yikes. Elrond didn’t want it to get out that Aragorn was heir to Gondor and Arnor, so he changed his name to Estel and didn’t tell Aragorn who he really was. Growing up, he would go ranging with Elrohir and Elladan, so he had a good relationship with his future brother-in-laws! That’s good! When Aragorn turned 21, Elrond told him all about Gondor and the throne and his legacy. Normally, books like this would have us see the part where the freak out because they found out they’re royal, but we are able to skip that and pick up at the point where he was cool with it.

Leaving his mom in Rivendell (Oh, yeah. His mom’s still around), Aragorn started going all over the place. Rohan and Gondor and just everywhere. When he was 49, he met Arwen for the 2nd time in Lothlórien on the hill Cerin Amroth and they got engaged. So he’s been engaged since he was 49... and he’s 88 now... So 20 years later, Aragorn helps Gandalf track Gollum down. He does take a brief stop by Rivendell to visit his mother on her death bed. He was 70 at the time she died. After that, he caught Gollum, took him to Mirkwood, and caught up with Frodo!

Names

Théoden (King)

Horsemaster

Ednew

Born: Third Age 2948

Age at time of Lord of the Rings: 70

Théoden was the oldest son of King Thengel of Rohan. He had four sisters. Three have no names, but we learn the name of his favorite, Théodwyn. We only know her because she was also the mother of Éomer and Éowyn. Théoden didn’t speak any Rohirric, since he had been born in Gondor and spent his childhood there. Théoden spoke Common and elvish. Tsk. The elite coming in to rule; he doesn’t even know the language his people speak. After Théodwyn and his brother-in-law died, he adopted Éomer and Éowyn.

Théoden married Elfhild, who got pregnant and had a son, Théodred (they love to name the sons a name that sounds close to the dads. It’s all over the place). Elfhild died giving birth to Théodred. Théoden ruled Rohan for 40 years before Gríma really started to mess Théoden up. Little dick.

Before Gandalf joined the Fellowship, he went to Edoras to warn Théoden about Saruman and to ask for a horse so that he could catch up with the Fellowship. Of course, Théoden was still under Saruman’s control. Théoden told Gandalf to take any horse and GTFO.  Gandalf picked Shadowfax, the bestest best horse in all of Rohan. Shadowfax was descended from legendary horses who could run really fast and really far without stopping. Of course, since Théoden told Gandalf he could take any horse, he couldn’t really say anything.

Names

Gríma (Mask, Visor, Helmet)

Wormtongue 

Born: Whoooooo knoooowwwsssss

Age at time of Lord of the Rings: Probably old. He sounds old.

Gríma is a bit if a mystery. He was the son of Gálmód and a native of Rohan. Pretty simple after that. He became a spy for Saruman because he was promised he could “marry” Éowyn. He used his lies and literal poison and shit to keep Théoden under Saruman’s spell. Gollum had tricked the Ringwraiths into going to the wrong place to find the Shire, but they passed by Wormtounge. The Witch-king questioned Gríma, who was all scared and told the Nazgûl where they could find The Shire and that Gandalf had been through Rohan recently. With Saruman, Gríma’s fate is changed the most from book to film. But we’ll get to that later.

Names

Frodo Baggins (Wise by Experience)

Frodo of the Nine Fingers

Nine-fingered Frodo (What is with named people based on horrible maimings they suffered?)

Frodo Elf-friend

Ring-bearer

Born: Third Age 2968

Age at time of Lord of the Rings: 51 in the book/33-ish in the movie

OK, his age is one of the few things the movies changed that don’t fit well with the rest of cannon. In the books, Gandalf was gone for several years after the party, but Frodo stayed young because of the ring. Not so in the movies, where it looks like Gandalf has been gone a few months. Anyway, Frodo was the only child of Drogo Baggins and Primula Brandybuck. When Frodo was 12, his parents died. They went out boating and some say Drogo’s massive weight sunk the boat, and for some reason they couldn’t swim. Like, why go boating, then? SO, they both drowned. For a long time, Frodo lived with his uncle, Rorimac Brandybuck, Master of Buckland (Remember, that’s one of the three leaders of The Shire). Frodo was a trouble maker. Aw. Adorable. Bilbo adopted Frodo when he was 21. Frodo was 21. Bilbo was 99.

All the hobbits inter-marry to no end, so it’s hard to pin down the exact relationship between Bilbo and Frodo, but it was closer to cousin than uncle. But since Bilbo made Frodo his heir, it probably just seemed proper to call him Uncle Bilbo. Bilbo taught Frodo elvish and a lot of the history of Middle-Earth. The two even had the same birthday. Hobbits came of age at 33. I don’t know why, since they have the same average life spans as humans, 90-100. It seems like they don’t have very long time in the ‘adult’ age bracket. But since their entire lives just seem devoted to eating, drinking, and smoking, I guess they don’t need to be an adult for all that much. It’s not like they can’t drive a car until they come of age or they go away to college when they come of age or something. Anyway, when Frodo turned 33, Bilbo turned 111. Which is the birthday we see in the movie.

Name

Boromir (Steadfast Jewel)

Born: Third Age 2978

Age at time of Lord of the Rings: 41

The oldest son of Denethor II and Finduilas. When Boromir was 10, his mother died. After that, his father was a lot more unpleasant. Even though their father clearly liked Boromir better, Boromir and his brother, Faramir, were very close. Boromir looked after his little brother. So cute. He spent most of his time keeping Team Evil from crossing over into Gondor through Osgiliath. Boromir never cared to marry (make of that what you will). He preferred to fight in battles and shit. And he didn’t care about history, expect the tales of the great battles of old. He was a jock. Faramir and Boromir started having freaking dreams, so Denethor ordered Boromir to go to Rivendell for advice. Faramir really wanted to go. Sad thing is, since Faramir passes on the Ring in the book, if Faramir was the one who went, both brothers might have lived. Boromir lost his horse along the way and had to go the rest of the way on foot, which took 110 days. Ouch.

Name

Théodred

Born: Third Age 2978

Age at time of Lord of the Rings: 41

The only son of Théoden. His mom, Elfhild, died giving birth to him. Théodred was an officer type deal. Second Marshal of the Riddermark. Gríma tried to get Théoden and Éomer in trouble with the king, but they were just too loyal. They always followed Théoden, even if his orders were total crazy balls. Just before we first meet Éomer, Saruman assassinates Théodred. He had his orcs attack with clear orders to definitely kill the prince. There was a huge battle around the river and Saruman’s army that would latter attack Helm’s Deep were trying to get over the river. All this complicated military stuff happened and the strongest orcs charged Théodred at once, which is yesh. He died pretty soon after, but Team Good pushed the orcs back. If you watched the extended movie, you saw Éomer finding his cousin by a river. The regular movie just had Éomer riding up with some guy and then Théodred lying in bed, dying from poison, with Éowyn taking care of him. And then he’s dead. It’s very confusing without that river scene! Like, wait, he’s poisoned??? Why???? Who is he?????

Name

Samwise Gamgee (Simple Minded)

Born: Third Age 2980

Age at time of Lord of the Rings: 39

Ah, Sam. We all know and love Sam. Fun Fact: Tolkien has said that Sam was always intended to be the hero of this piece. Yeah, Frodo carried the Ring. But Sam was the one who saved us all. Mentioned because my sister was all “Blah, Frodo was a horrible hero” and I was all “…No, duh…Kinda the point…” In a letter, Tolkien wrote that Sam was the “chief hero” and he’s the only Ring-bearer to give it up with his own free will, and he ends up saving Frodo over and over again. I almost wonder if it was commentary on typical English ideas at the time? Like, I don’t know what they thought back then in England, but it almost seems like the English expected their heroes to be rich and smart? Like, look at C.S. Lewis’ work? But Sam is even called simple minded, and every character overlooks him and acts like he is less than them. Not in a mean way, but a “I’m from a well-to-do family and you’re a blue collar worker” way. Literally everyone in the Fellowship are nobles in some way except Sam. But, throughout the book, he:

was all sly and did recon re:Frodo to report to Merry

pretended to be asleep so he could listen in on Frodo when he was talking with an elf

was the only one not tricked by Old Man Willow.

he surprises everyone by reciting a poem about Gil-galad from memory

he invents his own song, on the spot

he’s arguably the most level-headed of the hobbits. Nothing much spooks him.

It’s a constant theme that people misjudge him only to be shown up later.

Anyway, Sam is the son of Hamfast “The Gaffer” Gamgee and Bell Goodchild. Sam is the only one of the four hobbits in the Fellowship not even remotely related to them. The rest are all cousins several times over and shit. Like I said. They inter-married out the wazoo. They were all upper class and Sam was lower class. Sam had five brothers and sisters and he lived on Bagshot Row, which was very close to Bag End. Bilbo taught Sam about elves and about the world out there and encouraged Sam’s love of poetry. He also taught Sam to read, which is treated like a big deal, so most of his family probably couldn't. Sam was a gardener, like his father. His father had been the gardener at Bag End, but was retiring and Sam was training to take his place around the time the movie started.

Name

Fredegar “Fatty” Bolger

Born: Third Age 2980

Age at time of Lord of the Rings: 39

Cut from the movie completely. He has a younger sister named Estella who one day marries Merry. He was in on the mission Frodo was on. He helped Marry, Sam, and Pippen secret Frodo out of the Shire. He didn’t want to leave the Shire, which is why he didn’t join them. His job was to stay at Frodo’s new house as a decoy for the Ringwraiths. Eventually, the Ringwraiths showed up, Fatty ran for help, and all of Buckland was woken by the Horn-call of Buckland, which chased the Ringwraiths out.

Names

Meriadoc “Merry” Brandybuck (Great Lord)

Merry the Magnificent

Born: Third Age 2982

Age at time of Lord of the Rings: 37

Merry was the only child of Saradoc Brandybuck and Esmeralda Took. He and Pippin were first cousins. Merry knew something was weird about Bilbo since he was 18, a tween (tween = hobbit culture teenagers. They stay tweens from teen years until they come of age at 33). He saw Bilbo going down the road, when the Sackville-Bagginses came up it. The wife of in this couple would be the hobbit lady that Bilbo mentions in the beginning of The Hobbit and is all “Damn bitch stole all my spoons”. Anyway, Merry saw Bilbo disappear, then reappear on the other side of a hedge. He also saw a glint of gold as Bilbo put something in his pocket. So Merry was pretty suspicious. Little snoop also stole a look in Bilbo’s private journal. Merry didn’t tell anyone what he had seen or learned, though.

He had an important role at the beginning of the book, but that’s cut from the movie. It doesn’t make a huge difference, just made Merry clearly the brightest in the bunch. In the book, Sam, Merry, and Pippin knew that something was wrong with Frodo. Sam was indeed eavesdropping under Frodo’s window that night. It was they were worried about him and Merry came up with a plan to have the three of them go with Frodo. Frodo was planning to move from Bag End to Crickhollow, a house much closer to the edge of The Shire. Frodo, Sam, and Pippen went to Crickhollow where Merry met them. Frodo was all “Dear friends, I cannot stay” and the other hobbits were all “Surprise, Motherfucker! We’re going with you!” Merry was the one who got all their necessary gear and bought their ponies. Then the story continued like normal. We can pretend that Merry did have that plan, but Sam getting caught threw everything off and they had to start before they planned to. Which is why Merry and Pippin were stealing from the field instead of waiting…Just go with it…

Name

Faramir

Born: Third Age 2983

Age at time of Lord of the Rings: 36

My poor baby Faramir. He was the second son of Denethor II and Finduilas. Faramir’s mother died when he was 5. Part of the issue was because she got weak after giving birth to Faramir and never really recovered. That and the fact that Faramir was pretty much a carbon copy of his mom, personality wise, led to Denethor disliking Faramir. Boromir was like their dad, proud and liked to fight. Faramir was more gentle and loved history and music, like their mother. Faramir also became friends with Gandalf, who Denethor hated and was sure was trying to take away his rule of Gondor. Which led to Denethor disliking Faramir even more. He became the Captain of the Rangers of Ithilien, who capture Frodo and Sam. His weird dream is what leads to Boromir going to Rivendell.

Name

Peregrin “Pippin” Took (People who Wandered)

Born: Third Age 2990

Age at time of Lord of the Rings: 29 (omg he’s older than Éomer and Éowyn)

Pippin was the youngest child and only son of Paladin Took II, Thain of the Shire, and Eglantine Banks. Remember that the Thain is the second of three main leaders in The Shire. Pippin and Merry were first cousins. He was also Frodo’s second-cousin, once removed and Bilbo’s first-cousin, twice-removed. Hobbits loved family trees, which is how they can say such detailed relations like this. His older sisters were named Pearl, Pimpernel, and Pervinca. I sense a theme, here. Keep in mind, a hobbit doesn’t come of age until 33, so Pippin was the only minor in the group. That justifies some of his more stupid actions, I guess.

Name

Éomer (Grand War-horse)

Born: Third Age 2991

Age at time of Lord of the Rings: 28

Another one of my babies. Éomer was the son of Éomund and Théodwyn, Théoden’s sister. When Éomer was 11, Éomund was killed chasing a bunch of orcs. After that, Théodwyn became sick and died. Théoden adopted Éomer and his sister and they went to live with their uncle at Meduseld, the Golden Hall. Éomer became good friend with his cousin, Théodred, and the two loved each other like brothers. After that, Éomer became the Third Marshal of Rohan. This means he led the group of defenders of east Rohan. So Éomer lived in Aldburg, a town in east Rohan. He was meeting with his uncle in Edoras when Gríma banished him.

Name

Éowyn (Horse-joy)

Born: Third Age 2995

Age at time of Lord of the Rings: 24

This is my girl, Éowyn. Éowyn’s a BAMF. How many of you can say you’ve killed an unspeakable evil at the tender age of 24. Hell, I’m 22 and the most I’ve done is graduate college. Gotta get my shit together in the next two years. Anyway, this would be the daughter of Éomund and Théodwyn, Théoden’s sister. She was only 7 when her parents died. When Théoden started to fall under Saruman’s spell, Éowyn had to take care of him. What she really wanted to do, of course, was prove herself on the field of battle. 

Part 27 Or So Now Let’s Play ‘Where Are They Now!?’ (FINAL)

Quick and Dirty History of Middle-Earth Pt. 1

Note: Sources for all artwork can be found on the linked pages.

[paxny]

yes. yES. You get me!! I also have to add these tags from a separate reblog:

So basically I’ve been laughing my butt off all night over how this could go, and I’m equally entertained by both options, which I will elaborate on under the cut.

The first is what you’re both describing where all the characters are felt puppet versions of themselves. I totally didn’t think of how it would look if Faramir suddenly showed up as a puppet next to his totally normal human brother, but I love it so much. Elrond would be an amazing muppet, truly. And I think it would be so comical to see each character as a felt/fur puppet design (Though I think it could actually be pulled off quite masterfully?).

Like, the idea of Boromir waking up to see literally everyone he knows has suddenly become small and made of felt practically overnight, and they refuse to acknowledge anything is amiss? Chef’s kiss crack idea right there.

The second option is casting all the other characters as existing muppets, like a Muppet Movie adaptation . Here’s what I’ve come up with (though some characters still have multiple options, and some I haven’t even gotten to yet).

Legolas is Miss Piggy, do I even need to explain. Just picture Miss Piggy’s screaming and hair flips applied to the scene where Legolas kills the Oliphant at Pelennor

Aragorn is Kermit, I don’t ship him and Legolas and I have no clue who Arwen would be, but it just fits

Gimli is Animal (for the sturdy fighting and unlikely friendship with Leggy) or Gonzo (because of the stunt cannon and the ‘no one tosses a dwarf’ bits)

Pippin is Beaker

Sam is the Swedish chef or Fozzie Bear

Elrond is Sam the Eagle

The Sackville-Bagginses are Statler and Waldorf

Frodo is either Big Bird (yes I’m drawing on Sesame Street now, sue me) cause it would be hilarious to see the Chef/Fozzie try to pick him up, or Elmo cause he’s sweet and surprisingly fierce

OR Frodo could be Walter, from The Muppet Movie, and the Sauron could Gary because narrative foil reasons? Idk, it would be funny, that’s why

Denethor is Oscar the Grouch (just picture him eating tomatoes and leering into the palantir, it makes sense I promise)

Eowyn is Janice, the blond stoner lady from the band, she’s super cool and also friends with Animal

Gandalf is Sweetums in a hat, perhaps?

Gollum should be Rizzo the Rat

I haven’t figured out everybody obviously, but that’s what I’ve got so far. I’m totally open to other suggestions too.

And then for whichever way the muppets goes, Boromir is a totally serious, full sized Sean Bean. Nothing about Boromir’s role, casting, or character is changed to match the new setting. He is conscious of being a human amongst muppets, and no one else thinks it’s weird, and he is totally bewildered by it. He’s like ????!!?! where did you guys come from, what is going on?!?! the entire time. Not only is the world ending and he’s having weird prophetic dreams, but now he has to deal with this insane bs too.

(Somehow this distracts him enough from the Ring that he doesn’t fully fall under its influence and just gets injured instead of dying) (He has to go on to see the rest of this)

Lotr where everything is the same except Boromir is the only character who isn’t a muppet.

Every single other character that appears is played by a muppet. But Boromir is still Sean Bean.

My man would be so, so confused it would be great.

[paxny]

Again- YALL GET ME

I’m so excited about the reception this is getting, I love that people see the vision

(thanks for unknowingly letting me steal your tags to add @melhekhelmurkun and @honeymoos <33 )

Lotr where everything is the same except Boromir is the only character who isn’t a muppet.

Every single other character that appears is played by a muppet. But Boromir is still Sean Bean.

My man would be so, so confused it would be great.

[paxny]

Sauron should absolutely be included as a muppet!

The orcs and the Balrog would be great muppets too, while we’re at it! XD

Lotr where everything is the same except Boromir is the only character who isn’t a muppet.

Every single other character that appears is played by a muppet. But Boromir is still Sean Bean.

My man would be so, so confused it would be great.

[paxny]

@the-muppets-present I just discovered your blog 🤭😭 can I submit my own post

Lotr where everything is the same except Boromir is the only character who isn’t a muppet.

Every single other character that appears is played by a muppet. But Boromir is still Sean Bean.

My man would be so, so confused it would be great.