#boris johnson pls tell me whats up

[cozy-the-overlord]

I posted 1,373 times in 2022

391 posts created (28%)

982 posts reblogged (72%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@cozy-the-overlord

@naterson

@gaitwae

@lokislittlesigyn

@elly-hiddlesherloki

I tagged 1,298 of my posts in 2022

Only 5% of my posts had no tags

#cozy reblog - 785 posts

#thanks for the ask :) - 167 posts

#writing things - 111 posts

#cozy writes - 108 posts

#taylor swift - 102 posts

#self reblog - 100 posts

#friends - 94 posts

#ask me things pls i'm bored - 86 posts

#loki marvel - 74 posts

#loki fanfic - 69 posts

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#wasn’t going to reblog but then i read ‘now that larry looks to be on the horizon of replacing boris johnson as prime minister’ 😂😂😂😂😂

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Burning the Midnight Oil

Summary: You’re alone and miserable, up far too late losing your mind over an essay that isn’t even due tomorrow when Loki pops in with flowers.

Word Count: 1,858

Pairing: Loki x Gender Neutral Reader

A/N: So this is a reader fic, but also the reader is literally just me. I usually don’t like writing super obviously personal self-indulgent fluff, but I’ve had an incredibly shitty week and just ended up writing this in my notebook yesterday. This isn’t really edited, and it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense (like ... don’t question how Loki ended up dating a random college student), but it was therapeutic to write and I figured I might as well post it. Also, the line Loki reads aloud is from Sonnet 29, a poem that has absolutely nothing to do thematically with this story, but it’s my favorite sonnet and I wanted Loki to read it to me so don’t judge.

Thanks for reading!

Warnings: Implied depression

If you want to be tagged, feel free to send an ask/message :)

Read it on Ao3!

Your back hurts.

Everything hurts, actually. These dorm-issued chairs are not designed with long-term comfort in mind, and you’ve been sitting here hunched at your desk for a while now, several hours at least. There had still been light streaming through your weather-beaten blinds when you first sat down to work, but the sun had long since faded beneath the horizon—in fact, if your roommate had been here, she probably would have asked you a while ago in her soft, amiable manner if it was okay if she turned off the big ceiling light, her polite way of telling you to get the fuck off your laptop and go to bed. But your roommate isn’t here—she’s staying over at her asshole damned-lucky-to-have-her boyfriend’s apartment, a last-minute decision that left you alone and unsupervised for the night.

You’re fine though. It’s good to have time to yourself. Hell, there was a time where the prospect of a night of solitude would send you jumping for joy. It’s just … well, you have a tendency of turning a vacant room into an echo chamber to your thoughts, and these days your thoughts haven’t exactly been the kind of thing you enjoy being alone with.

It doesn’t matter. Tonight, you’re fine—you have a distraction. This essay isn’t due until Friday, but you’ve determined to finish it tonight, and now you can’t go to bed until the final period has been typed. It’s a messy business, essay writing. All night, you’ve known nothing but the relentless back and forth between the brilliant spark of a fresh idea that leaves you feeling like a genius and the all-consuming urge to bash your laptop against the wall over and over and over again before you allow your professor to lay her eyes on the wretched piece. At the moment, you’re beginning to stumble back into the latter, but you force yourself to swallow your self-contempt and keep going. It doesn’t matter how awful it is, just that it’s finished. Then you can lie on your heating pad and fall asleep to the sound of a YouTube art video you’ve watched a million times before.

“What are you still doing up?��

You jump at the question, nearly knocking your computer from its precarious position perched on the edge of your desk. Loki reaches around you to steady it with one hand—the other is supporting a vase the size of your head blooming with vibrant daffodils.

“Forgive me,” he says. “I didn’t mean to startle you.”

You let out a breath that’s shakier than you intended. One would think that after nearly a year of dating a literal magic extraterrestrial man of myth, you wouldn’t even bat an eye at his habit of just … appearing, but there are still times when it makes your heart race.

“What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to drop these off. I saw them earlier, and I know you said they were your favorite …” He trails off, motioning to the daffodils as he sets the vase on your desk. You inhale. He’s right—they are your favorites, and you find yourself smiling at the playful yellow buds, basking in a kind of warmth you’ve been lacking.

“They’re beautiful,” you whisper. “Thank you so much.”

Loki chuckles, somewhat sheepishly. “I had meant them as a surprise for when you awakened in the morning. I assumed you would have been asleep by now. What are you still doing up?”

“Oh.” The headache previously flushed away by the flowers returns. You gesture vaguely at your computer screen. “Essay.”

“Ah.” He nods, scanning the document over your shoulder. “Have you been working on this all night? You must be exhausted.”

“Eh.” You shrug, trying and failing to crack an easy grin. “I’m alright.” You don’t need to look at him to feel the concern in his gaze.

But to your relief, he doesn’t voice it. Instead, he moves to rub your shoulders, a gentle massage that you didn’t realize you had been fantasizing about. You let out a sigh, leaning back in the Chair of Agony and melting into his touch.

“May I ask what the topic is?”

“Oh.” You inhale. “Well, it’s about socially constructed gender roles in The Convent of Pleasure. Like, how they’re so pervasive that even characters actively attempting to break free of them struggle to separate what is truly natural and what society has deemed to be natural. And, you know, how that’s still a thing in today’s society.”

You’re talking too much. You know it, even as you sit there rattling off your thesis. But Loki sounds genuinely intrigued

“That’s fascinating.”

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104 notes - Posted March 25, 2022

#4

Taking Notes

Summary: You need a whiteboard. Loki offers to be of assistance.

Word Count: 1,926

Pairing: Loki x Gender Neutral Reader

A/N: This spawned when I was obsessively outlining my creative writing honors thesis and complaining that I needed a whiteboard, and @naterson jokingly suggested I write on Loki. This is very silly and ridiculous and not particularly good, but I finished it so I figured I might as well post it. I pictured this reader being the same as that in Burning The Midnight Oil, but this isn't a sequel or anything-- you don't need to read that to understand this.

Thanks for reading!

Warnings: Shirtlessness? Loki is shirtless for most of this, but it’s all very silly and innocent-- nothing sexual

If you want to be tagged, feel free to send an ask/message :)

Read it on Ao3!

“Okay,” you say, and bite your lip. The marker is thinner than you expected it to be, but that doesn’t stop you from anxiously clicking the cap on and off and on and off again, the snapping noise blending into the backdrop of your notes-strewn dorm as you study your … canvas. “Are you ready?”

You can’t see Loki’s face from where he’s standing, face towards the wall and bare back to you, but you can tell he’s smirking. “As I’ll ever be, darling.” He stretches his arms out behind him, flexing the lean muscles of his shoulders, and chuckles at your soft inhale.

Cheeks aflame, you uncap the marker a final time and prepare to write.

Luckily your roommate is gone tonight, because you don’t think you would be able to explain this to her. You’re not even sure you can explain it to yourself. It had started when Loki arrived earlier this evening— it’s become an implicit understanding that he stay the night whenever your roommate is out, something you’re exceedingly grateful for (it spares you from the shame of having to admit you hate spending nights alone)—to find the unhinged chaos of a notorious procrastinator flying around the room, trying to do a month’s worth of work in two days.

“I need a whiteboard!” you had shouted at him, rummaging through your notes like a raccoon in a dumpster. The outline for your honors thesis was due at the end of the week, and there was too much to write, too much to keep track of, too much to see all at once. You had been violently suppressing the urge to go “fuck it” and just start writing on the wall above your bed.

Loki, for his part, had seem torn between confusion and amusement. “I beg your pardon?”

“A whiteboard!” You couldn’t find the scrap of paper with the character names you decided upon. “I need to write it all out so I can see it!”

Sometimes, you wonder what it would be like to have a normal boyfriend. How would a regular person have responded to such a dilemma? Suggest taping your notes to the wall, perhaps? Offer to help you organize everything? Certainly not smirk like a little gremlin with mischief in his eyes and purr, “Well, you could write it on me.”

Then again, you were the one who, after realizing that this was an offer put forth in the upmost sincerity, cocked your head to the side and said “okay.”

It had been goofy, the two of you rushing off to make a post-midnight Walgreens run for body markers (Loki had been fully prepared to let you scribble all over his back in Sharpie, but you had to draw the line somewhere), goofy in a fun, silly sort of way. It was cathartic—after so many hours stuffed away in your stuffy little dorm, the night air was fresh on your skin, and it felt good to giggle. But now, holding the marker just above his shoulder blades, you suddenly feel overwhelmed in a wave of self-consciousness.

“Don’t keep me waiting, darling,” Loki teases, but when you don’t answer he turns behind him to look at you. “Is something wrong?”

You hesitate. “This is weird.” You glance back up at him, not sure what you’re seeking. “This is weird, right?”

“Very,” he agrees. “But that doesn’t make it any less delightful.”

You raise an eyebrow. “Me taking notes all over your back is delightful?”

“Of course!” Loki smiles. “Any moment spent with you is delightful.”

Oh. Well that’s just incredibly sweet. Your eyes drop to the floor, unable to hold his gaze nor stifle the grin spreading across your face.

He’s laughing at your reaction, but it’s a warm sound, so light and airy it makes you feel weightless. “Do you still wish to continue?”

You mumble a yes, toying with the marker cap as he turns back towards the wall. Goodness, his back. His back is so gorgeous. You feel slightly lascivious, just ogling him like this, but you can’t help yourself. He’s just so smooth. You want to run your fingers down his spine, trace the lines of his body beneath your hands. You’ll never get over how soft his skin is. You love lying in bed with him, head on his chest, drawing circles on his stomach with your finger as he sleepily plays with your hair.

But enough of that thought.

Loki twitches when you write the first letter, and you pull back in an instinctual panic.

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109 notes - Posted September 9, 2022

#3

A Friend From Work

Summary: Loki pops into your lab one day at Stark Tower. Things just get weirder from there.

Word Count: 5,084

Pairing: Loki x Gender Neutral Reader

A/N: This is for the lovely @naterson​, whose birthday is today and who has said in the past that she loves the idea of an engineer reader working for Tony Stark. I definitely wouldn’t say that this is my best work-- it was a bit out of my comfort zone-- but I really wanted to give her that for her birthday. Happy birthday, Nat! I hope you have a great day <3<3<3

Thanks for reading!

Warnings: Slight violence/hostage situation at the end

If you want to be tagged, feel free to send an ask/message :)

Read it on Ao3!

The first time you meet Loki is in your lab.

When he comes in, you’re nearly finished deconstructing a Chitauri particle gun, its guts splayed out across your table in a delicate ecosystem of wires and metallic parts. It’s been a neck-breaking process, equal parts terrifying and exhilarating. It still feels impossible to comprehend that the pieces in your hands were created on another planet, in another galaxy. That you are allowed to even hold this technology feels illegal, let alone to experiment with it.

For this reason, you don’t notice him right away. You’re too engrossed in your work to pay attention to the doorway behind you. It’s only after several minutes pass that the familiar tingle runs down your spine—that feeling of not being alone, of being watched. Your hands fall still. You whip around and yelp.

He’s just standing there behind you, dark curls slicked back over an expression of benign interest. At your cry, he cracks a smile that is somehow both equal parts apologetic and cocky.

“Good afternoon,” he grins. “Forgive me, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

Your pulse is racing. You had known that Loki is now stationed with the Avengers, with relative free rein of the tower. He’s not supposed to be dangerous—if he was, he’d be under a much more severe lock and key. But there’s still something about having the extraterrestrial responsible for the destruction of New York just casually moseying about your lab that sends your heart to your throat.

“How did you get in here?” Your hand flies beneath the table, where the red panic button rests against your fingers. It would trigger a lockdown sequence across the entire building, shutting down your floor immediately and dispatching agents to your location at once. You’ve never had to press it before, and you’re not particularly eager to now.

“I walked. The door was open, after all.” He nods in the direction of the hall, towards the door you were perpetually forgetting to lock, and flashes another smile. “It’s just that I’m in between assignments at the moment, and there’s precious little to do upstairs.”

You frown. Somehow, a bored immortal being once worshipped as a mischief god hanging around a tech lab sounds like a recipe for disaster. “Does Stark know you’re down here?”

“I’m sure he does. After all, if he didn’t, wearing these would certainly be a waste on my part.” Loki gives a nonchalant wave, showing off the silver bangle latched on to each wrist. They had been a non-negotiable in the agreement that sent Loki to work alongside the Avengers after the events in New York—Tony Stark had been particularly proud of himself for designing cuffs that could impede an Asgardian’s magic. You suppose it stands to reason he would have included a tracking device within them as well.

Still, you’re a bit hesitant. “JARVIS?” you call. “Does Mr. Stark know Loki’s in the labs?”

The clipped mechanical voice responds in an instant. “I have alerted him to that reality, Doctor.”

Loki grins. “See? No need to fret.” He takes a step forward, gazing at the mechanical parts strewn about your workspace. “What is it you’re doing here? Performing a dissection?”

You eye him suspiciously, backing away as he moves towards you. “I’m trying to reactivate the energy core.” It’s no secret, after all. It’s practically become a competition among Stark’s engineers over who can get the Chitauri tech functioning again first.

Loki sniffs. “Ah yes, of course. Mortals and their never-ceasing lust for power.”

“Lust for power’s got nothing to do with it,” you bristle. “I just want to see how this thing works.” You hesitate. “You wouldn’t be able to help with that, would you? You have experience with these weapons.” Although perhaps it’s a stupid question. Stark had probably gotten any and all useful information out of him a while ago.

The god chuckles. “I’m afraid mechanics were never my strong suit.” He eyes the seemingly defunct energy core, free from its nest of wires lodged within the particle gun. “Although I do recall that those can be highly volatile when exposed as you have it there.”

You can’t say that’s particularly groundbreaking insight. “Yeah, I know. But it’s no danger when it’s not functional.”

“Perhaps. But I’d be careful. It takes very little to set them off.”

The door slams, and now another figure his blustering into your lab, glaring daggers at your visitor, and you’re gulping air again because oh look, it’s your boss.

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253 notes - Posted June 2, 2022

#2

Birdsong

Summary: In the middle of the night, Loki gets up to comfort his infant daughter and thinks about how lucky he is.

Word Count: 1,087

Pairing: Loki x Female Reader

A/N: I didn't really plan to write this, but @naterson​ was talking about Loki being a father to a baby on Discord and it reminded me of a scene from a much larger story I think about a lot but don't plan on ever writing. I usually don't like writing fluff, but I ended up sitting down yesterday and writing this by hand in about an hour and it was genuinely quite lovely. So this one's for you, Nat! 

(And if you were wondering, Nat chose the baby name, although she didn't know what she was choosing XD)

Warnings: None

If you want to be tagged, feel free to send an ask/message :)

Read it on Ao3!

Loki liked to lay awake at night.

It would have surprised you—when the two of you first met, he had found nights to be something horrific, a time where creeping creatures of the dark melded with monsters within his mind, tormenting him with violent memories of an inescapable past. But now, years later, the night meant something different to him. He laid in bed and admired the world steeped in darkness, soothed by the piercing song of the nightingale and the slow, steady sound of your breathing.

And occasionally, the shrill cries of a frightened infant.

At the sound of your daughter, Loki felt you stir besides him almost immediately—it was an instinctual reaction at this point, something several sleepless months of parenthood had well cultivated—but before you could fully sit up, he pressed you back into bed.

“I’ll take care of it,” he whispered, stroking a clump of hair from your face so he could press a kiss to your temple. “Go back to sleep.”

You truly were exhausted, it seemed, because you relaxed back against your pillow without even the slightest attempt to argue. Loki smiled, stroking a clump of hair from your face so he could press a kiss to your temple. Poor darling. Between the unfamiliar setting and beautifully taxing nature of the baby, he knew you hadn’t had a proper night’s sleep in over half a year. The three of you would be returning to Midgard soon, and he hoped that once home you would find it at least a bit easier to relax.

Infant wails still flooded the air, and so Loki pulled himself from the warm cocoon of blankets and bedsheets and shuffled across the hall to the tiny room just besides your own. Charlie was sitting up in her crib—she had been sitting by herself lately, to Loki’s intense pride, as well as rolling and scooting around on her stomach. She hiccupped over her little sobs as she cried, gulping when Loki entered, but not stopping.

“Now what’s wrong, my precious meyla?” he cooed, scooping her into his arms and rocking her against his chest. Charlie sniffled, but she was soon distracted by a clump of his own hair, reaching out to clutch at the strands with her tiny fingers. Loki held in his laugh as she tugged. She was just so small. Every time he looked at her, he found himself in awe at her littleness, marveling at how something so small, so delicate, so wondrously perfect, could come from him. It had to have been your influence. Loki certainly wasn’t capable of creating something so beautiful.

Her tears seemed to have abated, but Loki continued to rock her gently, making his way across the room to the window overlooking the back of the palace. Asgard’s gardens were still shrouded in darkness, but smallest pinpricks of light were beginning to creep from the horizon and into the star-streaked sky. Somewhere in the trees, the nightingale continued its song. For a moment they merely stood, letting nature’s sweet music wash over them both as they gazed across the realm.

You and Loki hadn’t planned to remain on Asgard for so long. After all, you both were happily settled on Midgard, where you could be close to your family and Loki could be at a satisfying distance from his—the only reason you had decided to give birth on his home planet (if one could call it that) was due to the medical concerns of being a human carrying the child of a Frost Giant. The potential for complications was very real, and while nothing could stop the anxious pacing that kept him up all throughout your third trimester, knowing that you were in the hands of the finest healers in the Nine Realms did somewhat allay his concerns. You both looked forward to returning home, but Loki had to admit that there was something magical about being able to share the world in which had grown up with the family he never thought he could have.

He held Charlie to the window, so that she might look out upon the gardens as well. “Isn’t it pretty, little heart?” he whispered. “Not near as pretty as you are, though.”

She cooed, blinking at him sleepily. She had your eyes—Loki had nearly cried when she firsts looked upon him, those same precious gemstones for which he had already known he’d happily fight and die to keep them sparkling. They lit up the same as yours did when she laughed, angelic little giggles that made Loki feel practically weightless with elation. He loved hearing her laugh. He carried the sound in his heart like a badge of honor, proud in the knowledge that no matter his past, no matter his failing, he had been graced with this perfect little girl’s smile.

Charlie was nodding off now, resting her drowsy head against his shoulder. Carefully, Loki laid her back in her crib. He was humming, without really realizing it—humming along to the nightingale’s song until it turned into some nonsensically affectionate lullaby his mother had sang to him in his youth. The realization made him chuckle. He had never though much of singing until he met you, your earnest insistence in the beauty of his voice breaking down the barriers of insecurity he had so long upheld around everything about himself. You cajoled him into singing to you as you laid against each other in bed; soft, silly little folk songs he recalled from childhood. He was grateful for the darkness then, so you could not see how his face flushed red. And yet, here he was now, a father singing his child to sleep without even the slightest modicum of unease. You would be proud.

Loki sighed as the nightingale’s song drew to a close. Sometimes he wondered if it was all a mistake. Surely, he had done nothing in his life to deserve such happiness. Every morning, he half expected to awaken alone and find it was all a dream—a lovely, beautiful dream that he could never hope to hold. And yet, day after day, the two of you remained, his two perfect girls, who meant more to him than life itself.

Charlie twitched in her sleep, the tiniest of kicks, and Loki smiled. He wondered what she was dreaming of. Dawn was beginning to creep over the horizons, but Loki didn’t care. Even in the dark, he had everything he could ever want.

257 notes - Posted February 10, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Orange is the Happiest Color

Summary: “I had a dream that you proposed to me with an orange.” 

He chuckled, relaxing back into his pillow. “Did you say yes?”

Word Count: 2,657

Pairing: Loki x Gender Neutral Reader

A/N: So I had a dream about Loki proposing with an orange. I drew this. And then I wrote this. It’s very stupid. I’m not sure I’m happy with it. Here it is. Don’t take it too seriously. 

Thanks for reading!

Warnings: None

If you want to be tagged, feel free to send an ask/message :)

Read it on Ao3!

“I had a dream that you proposed to me with an orange.”

It was a strange way to begin the morning. Loki raised his eyebrows as he rolled to his side, propping his head up with his hand and studying you with a sleepy sort of amusement. “You dreamt I did what?”

“You proposed with an orange.” The words felt silly on your tongue, but it was still early in the morning, with only the slightest hints of sunlight slipping through the slits in the curtain to where the two of you lay tangled in blankets. It was sleepy enough to be silly. “We were in an orange grove. You opened two halves of an orange like a ring box, got down on one knee, and proposed.”

Loki chuckled, a lazy puff of breath escaping his lips as he relaxed back into his pillow. “Did you say yes?” he asked.

The question caught you off guard. Frowning, you tried to recall. The dream now felt distant and murky, something that faded a bit more with every waking moment spent beyond it. There were little more than still images left behind now—the sweet taste of citrus on the air, Loki’s goofy grin as he knelt before you, the wild wave of ecstasy that crashed through your soul at the realization …

“Yeah, I did.” You smiled. The memory was so warm, like reclining into a hot bath after a long day. “I said yes.”

Loki laughed again and pulled you close against his chest so he could press a kiss to your temple. You snuggled against his sternum, lulled by the steady beat of his heart. The room had gone silent again, a contemplative quiet.

Maybe you shouldn’t have told him the dream. It drifted too close to the unspoken. You and Loki had talked about marriage before, but nothing really beyond vague little allusions back when you had first started seeing each other two years ago. The situation was rather … difficult, you supposed the word was—when one partner’s biology would cause them to outlive the other’s by several millennia, planning for the future wasn’t exactly the optimistic conversation it was often cracked up to be. The two of you had elected to ignore the hulking bilgesnipe in the room and simply enjoy each day as it came. But the topic continued to simmer beneath the surface. Clearly.

Why else would you be dreaming of proposals?

But the two of you would have to wait to jump into a deep dive dream analysis, because the bedroom had barely been quiet a minute before Loki’s Avengers-branded communicator exploded into its usual obnoxious tirade of beeps and buzzes from where it had been exiled to the floor the night before.

Loki groaned, propelling himself to a sitting post even as you continued to cling to his shoulders.

“Can’t you ignore it?” you whined. “Just this once?”

He laughed, attempting to squirm out of your grasp—although you were nearly certain he was only doing so for appearance’s sake, because you both knew well enough that if he wished he could shrug you off with the flick of his wrist.

“If I do, they’ll break down your apartment door in their crusade to drag me there themselves,” he laughed. “And that would make quite the mess of your lovely doormat.”

“Let them try. They’ll have to go through me,” you declared. “I just got you back, and now they’re going to send you away again—”

“It won’t be long—”

“You don’t know that—”

“Darling, I promise—”

“That’s what you said last time.” You pouted, even though you knew you were being childish. It wasn’t Loki’s fault. The terms of his sentence, the terms that kept him out of an Asgardian prison and free to live by your side in the first place, mandated that he must assist the Avengers in any way required, at any point required, regardless of his personal desires. He was their muscle and their errand boy all at once, the red shirts sent in to handle situations too dangerous or too tedious to risk the other Avengers. These missions could take up to a couple of days to a couple of weeks to a couple of months, and often you found yourself left in the dark with no contact with which to determine when he was coming home, or if he was coming back at all. You hated it, and Loki knew it.

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312 notes - Posted February 21, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[ceo-of-daichi]

Does Boris Johnson care about University students or??

[krolock-in-the-snowlock]

Part 2 - Broadway’s Dance of the Vampires Commentary

Act 2

• And here we are again, after taking a week or two to recover from act 1

• I have no idea what’s going to happen but I’m gonna finish what I started, no matter what it takes

• Ok the video is ready, I don’t think I am but here we go

• Ok well the opening music was more like titanic than tanz

• Ooh ok we have lots of vague figures on stairs, probably vampires but it’s hard to tell with the 480p video quality

• Hmmm are we having a reprise of totale finsternis?

• That staircase is looking

• Glad to see the audience is cracking up again at the use of total eclipse of the heart

• Those couple guys are having a great time

• They’re like

• haHAAA

• Good for them

• Glad someone’s enjoying this

• I would be annoyed that this whole thing is seen as funny when the original scene is really cool but hey this whole thing is just one big old parody so what could I expect

• Distancing myself from it by calling it a parody is the only thing getting me through thiis

• I don’t think they’re using all the same lyrics as total eclipse so at least there’s that

• But the lyrics are too romancey and soppy ugh

• Michael your singing is actually quite nice aside from the hint of giovannui at the edges of your words

• ARE THEY NOT DOING THE HARMONIES

• NO

• The harmonies are the best part of the song noooo

• And I think his voice would probably harmonise quite well

• And he ISN’T SINGING TURN AROUND WITH THE BACKING SINGERS

• wHY

• there was no dramatic krolock walking down the staircase slowly

• but then again I don’t think giovanni could do that

• he’d probably trip on the second step, crash down the stairs and be like I’m a-fine! Hee hee!

• Oh

• Oh no

• I think they are doing harmonies but they’re just

• Wrong

• So wrong

• Or maybe good ol’ giovanni has just forgotten the key he’s supposed to be singing in

• Entirely possible

• I don’t think giovanni would particularly care about the rules of music

• Oh giovanni is literally just like come to the gates of hell with me and sarah seems chill with iy

• She’s singing along

• She’a having a good time

• NOOO they harmonised poorly during the verse where there should be no harmonies but they sTILL WON’T HARMONISE IN THE CHORUS

• I HATE IT

• -22/10 would not listen again

• But then that sums up the whole musical tbh

• The phrase ‘hold me tight’ should not be in this song

• Wrong vibes my friends

• This fails the vibe check

• Oh no they’re attempting a couple of the original harmonies

• 2 lines in and it’s not going well

• ???????

• Wait

• They’re both singing harmonies for sarah’s line but NOBODY IS SINGING SARAH’S LINE

• Sarah sing your own part

• What r u doing

• Sarah

• This is horrible pls stop

• Once again the staging is mostly just the two pigeons again

• Except the squawking is more evenly split between the two

• Back and forth

• Wait

• Hmm

• There appears to be either a cult or aa group of monks (is there a name for that? A flock of pigeons, a murder of crows, a prayer of monks?) gathering in the backgroubd

• Did nobody tell them yhis room was taken

• Or maybe sarah and giovanni didn’t book the room

• Maybe it’s just turned midnight and their hour is up

• Someone check the dramatic staircase room booking sheet pls

• Ok ok but there’s nothing you can do, a total eclipse of the heart??

• The whole point is that sarah is trying to choose to be free and make her own choices

• If there’s nothing she can do then that sort of defeats the purpose

• Oh wait yeah this sarah wasn’t locked up

• Never mind

• None of this makes sense anyway

• Really missing krolock’s cape rn

• Nothing looks as good without it

• If giovanni had a cape he might even make it from a -13/10 to nearly a 1/10

• Oh the cult is following giovanni

• Maybe he invited them..?

• Having that many candles on the stairs cab’t be practical

• And tbh is frankly quite dangerous if u ask me

• …and once again we end with some undeservinf applause

Round 4: the boys are back in town

• Ah here comes alfred with his self-narration

• Did he just lightly crack the fourth wall..?

• Oh god and the vampire hunting squad is joined by giovanni ‘buonasera’ von krolock

• Ew did he just say scrumptious? That word should be spoken by grannies and posh mothers alone

• I love how he’s just sat in a throne in the middle of nowhere

• Is this outside his castle? Inside? Somewhere else entirely? We may never know

• Oh sorry I stand corrected it appears I have been incorrectly naming giovanni this whole time

• His full name appears to be count giovanni coppolini travancoli von krolock (or something along those lines) of the sicilian side of the family

• Albus percival wulfric brian dumbledore anyone?

• I just.

• Why is he italian

• Krolock does not sound remotely italian

• Do vampires have a connection to italy?

• If so I am not aware

• Once again, I must ask: why is 75% of the staging of this musical just people stood at opposite ends of the stage facing each other

• Those bats look like family? I guess they would

• Oh my god why is alfred threatening giovanni

• I guess nobody’s gonna be pretending not to know what the others are

• Which gets straight to the point I suppose

• While not necessarily good at self-preservation, alfred sure is efficient

• But maybe too efficient because we still have an hour left to go

• This version of alfred is like a chihuahua with small dog sydrome yapping at a bigger dog, excpet giovanni is only slightly bigger than him and is probably a flea-infested chinese crested dog dressed in a halloween costume from wish.com

• …piccolo alfredo.

• This scene is really bringing out the offensively fake italian in giovanni

• WHY. IS. HE. OFFERING. ALFRED. A. SPONGE. SHAPED. LIKE. A. PENIS

• WHY IS HE MAKING IT GO FLACCID EWWWW NOOO

• I NEED EYE AND BRAIN BLEACH

• Are they saying… erbert..?

• Oh yay he’s french

• Quick tip, directors: the french would not pronounce the t either unless you added an e at the end (I think)

• Also e is more like air rather than er from what I remember

• So really it would be airbair??

• Which is stupid

• Tl;dr: do not make him french and still call him herbert

• Oh and herbert wearing bright blue? No thx I prefer his purple sparkles and black

• His hair and wig aren’t even done well *sigh* herbert would hate this

• See giovanni made a joke and the audience clearly liked it but I could not catch a word of what he said

• Oh god this herbert is wrong

• Herbert never actually speaks to krolock in tanz

• Which tbh is a shame but i prefer it over… whatever this is…

• Huh so it is set in transylvania, giovanni and airbear are just italian and french bc y not

• Neat

• Cool cool cool

• Wait so they were in the library the whole time???????

• I’m so confused rn

• Why does his library have a coffee bar..? you know what, never mind

• Ah ambronsius is clearly about to sing his book song

• …or maybe not? Giovanni is apparently trying to seduce him too..?

• The staging is a bit like vor dem schloss

• It’s the right time for it but who knows

• And one of the first decent harmonies of the musical is a line between giovanni and ambronsius singing about books bc apparently this is a book club now

• Oh no is koukol called boris

• If it isn’t boris johnson I’m gonna be disappointed (or relieved)

• Apparently the throne just glides backwards

• Like a magic carpet exceot it doesn’t leave the ground so i suppose actually more like a chair with wheels, which is much less exciting

• That didn’t deserve a clap

• I can’t figure out if they’re being open about their intentions or not because they seem to change their minds every 10 seconds

• There’s suddenly a bed?

• Oh god ok let’s see if they mess up carpe noctem

• Well the music is for an entirely different song so this will be interesting

• Hmm ok it is that completly different song

• Is that airbear..?

• Or alfred #2?

• Bc it should be krolock singing that song but idek

• At least we get a cape and mostly good singing

• Ah here we go

• Carpe noctem looking its usual weird self

• oH GOD NOT ITS USUAL SELF

• I do not remember winged demons dancing on the bed in the original

• But hey there’s more capes

• Something to be grateful for

• I’m really not sure what’s going on here

• Oh ok I can finally see the dream krolock

• He’s doing all those jumps in a suit rather than shirtless with leggings so he looks a little less cool sorry to him

• But yh i still have no idea who is singing the main vocals

• And it’s over

• Ha alfred lowkey looks like brian david gilbert in that one bit

• Sorry alfred your i’m scared but i’m gonna do this for sarah song isn’t quite as sweet when you’re super confident

• One thing i never understood was how ambronsius slept through alfred’s singing

• Ah it appears he did not

• He’s hugging ambronsius..?

• Does he do that in the original?

• Ha ha very funny professor sibilance and homovampiricus

• Oh and alfred happily just whacks chagal on the head nice nice totally in character

• The coffins are empty???

• Why is chagal in a nice coffin

• Where does giovanni sleep

• I guess in his floating mansion of a coffin

• If anything herbert would have that

• WHY IS MRS CHAGAL HERE

• WHY IS ALFRED EAGER TO KILL CHAGAL

• Oh he’s finally turning magda

• ..and his wife?

• Apparently

• Are they in a polyamorous relationship now

• They will not all fit in that one coffin I’m sorry

• And here’s herbert

• Ew herbert is so cheap

• Like he was flirty in the original but this is ridiculous

• Ugh too many cheap gay jokes

• airbear is sO much worse than I could have imagined

• Huh maybe alfred is confirmed a little bi here

• Ok yeah alfred is definitely having his bi awakening here

• And at least the whole thing is a little more consensual here

• Oh yeah alfred’s bi as hell, he’s singing harmonies with airbear

• But he’s still trying to escape?

• I guess he is a bit confused

• Wait so airbear ended that thinking alfred wanted him? Different but more accurate to the events

• 40 minutes to go

• Mrs krolock is apparently a disguise he uses around sarah too? Ok

• Well the vampires are about to wake so this is where things really should start getting good but I’m sure they won’t

• I don’t like that one of them laughed

• I don’t think they’re even harmonising

• Lazy

• Ah ok here we go harmonies

• These are nice actually

• The lower part is louder than usual, which actually works quite nicely

• The vampires aren’t as jolty and creepy though

• Ew the guitar is bad

• What was that horrible whining between notes

• Oooh this should be sie irren professor

• Oh no, I guess giovanni has decided to bypass the threatening and has gone straight to physical assault

• There’s a prophecy? Alright then. Bit abrupt

• Dammit so they’re going straight into die unstillbare gier without sie irren professor

• Maybe it’s for the best… giovanni was never going to sound that threatening anyway

• Half an hour to go

• I can do this

• Let’s see how he massacres one of the best songs in the musical

• Also he’s starting the song at the front of the stage not the top, and it’s just weird

• When giovanni has been so comedic and dumb the whole time this song just won’t work

• …and the firsg two lines don’t rhyme… great start

• He has a cape though

• Pls I just want 1 cape swish

• Oh but the cape is pathetic

• Oh

• This song could have been good

• But the lyrics aren’t as good in places and he’s still got hints of giovanni’s stupid accent

• What a tragedy

• Well they’re giving a little more detail about his previous victims which is interesting at the very least

• The lyrics don’t have enough syllables

• And ugh they’re not very good either

• There are a few nice ones but most of them…

• I use my body just like a bandage, I use my body just like a wound

• And the prize for worst lyric yet goes to…

• And what makes it worse is that those replaced ich will frei und freier werden und werde meine ketten nicht los

• One of my favourite parts of the song

• And I just want to add that he’s barely moving too

• He doesn’t climb to the top and run down to collapse on the floor

• He just. Stands there.

• Like a badly dressed rock.

• Oh but the stage tilts now to form a straight wall

• So it’s not even like they couldn’t have the stage rise as he runs down

• They just left it raised for him to do nothing on and then got rid of it completely

• They replaced doch die with buuuuuut which does NOT work at all

• You need two syllables to separate the two notes

• This is awful

• They changed the tune a tiny bit which is fine I guess, not as satisfying though

• I just

• *sigh*

• His voice is good. With good lyrics and the original character, he could have done it really well

• I hate that potential was wasted

• Which, again, goes for the whole trainwreck of a musical

• I can’t make out all of the lyrics and I’m not sure if that’s a mild annoyance or a blessing

• Like, i have no idea what he said in the last little bit

• But hey that’s that

Part 3 - The Ball and Beyond