#book review goodreads

[teaandspite]

The Great Goodreads Diss List (Part 1)

Context: For many years now, I have been collecting funny lines from Goodreads reviews to share with my coworkers. (I do collection development, reader's advisory, and weeding at a public library, so I read a LOT of reviews)

Are some of these, perhaps, rather mean? Yes, but they are also very funny, and come from a place of honest frustration. In the tradition of Bargepole threads and lists everywhere, names and titles have been censored.

"First, I want to say that I understand how hard it is to write a book and how amazing it is when it is actually published. Congrats to the author for that accomplishment. That said--"

"Warning: This review will be lengthy due to pure hatred."

"I found myself feeling really, really annoyed with the world that this book is allowed to exist. We live in a universe where the passenger pigeon is extinct but this book goes along merrily being read by unsuspecting lovers of words and ideas and stories? It just seems like too much, you know?"

"Don't do it. Don't spring the cash for the hardcover. Instead, eat an entire bag of Twizzlers, spend some money you don't have at a high-end department store, look up on Facebook the shady college boyfriend that made you cry, research the current value of your home or 401K and then read all about how the big hedge fund managers are faring during the economic crisis. You'll feel about the same stomach pain if you waste your time reading this book."

"This wretched novel begins with the mugging of an old lady and it appears I may be in the process of repeating that loathsome crime as [author] was 78 when she wrote it. It is not nice to put the boot into such a poor defenseless old creature lying there with only a damehood, a Booker Prize and a few million quid. It’s a nasty job but somebody has to do it."

"I think this is the way dead people would write, if they could."

"I am considering setting up SPABB: Society for the Protection of Accurate Book Blurb. This blurb appears to have been written by someone from the publishers who met [the author] the night before, got very drunk, lost his notes and then constructed something in a fug of hangover the next morning."

"I congratulate [the author] on the early half of his book, which was thoroughly fun and made me laugh and think. I congratulate [the author] on the second half of his book, for finishing it. It reads like that was difficult."

"…a woman whose taste in contemporary literature has roughly the same batting average as a pitcher in the National League."

"The author is a pompous windbag."

"Recommends it for: No one. Recommended to me by: A friend who apparently wished to cause me great suffering."

"Makes me wonder: is it possible to obtain similes at a volume discount?"

"The repeated phrases made me want to mail a thesaurus to the author."

"I'm disappointed in myself for finishing this book."

"if the author described [character's] eyes as "obsidian" one more time I was tempted to write her and ask if her thesaurus broke."

"They say that an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters would, if given infinite time, eventually produce the complete works of William Shakespeare. [This book], on the other hand, would probably take the average monkey just under two hours."

"I can't imagine what the author had to do to get this nadir of Western literature printed on innocent trees, but he does seem to know a LOT about being well-connected in New York."

"This book is so bad it is almost worth reading just to make you appreciate the other books you are reading."

"Reads like it was written by a brilliant author, the night before it was due."

"raises interesting questions, like: can a book be so bad as to constitute an act of terrorism"

"has this author ever spoken to a human woman"

"This acorn has fallen so far from the tree that it can’t even see the forest."

"I’m guessing they are touted as ‘beach reads’ because no one will care if they get dropped into the ocean."

"This book begins with all the energy of a hand vacuum near the end of its battery life, and the pace doesn't quicken much from there."

"At least everybody’s eyes stayed the same color this time around.”

Part 2

Part 3

[trash-panda-no5]

Goodreads 1 star reviews complaining about how the book was trying to be "edgy". Babes you picked up a book about sci-fi necromancers with a cover of an aviator-wearing skull-painted lesbian and you weren't expecting to run into any edge lords or emos? That's not the book's fault, that's a skill issue

[wiltkingart]

Asche and Vindt from Ocean's Blood by Thelma Mantey

[thefangirlphenomenon]

how many books do I want to read? all of them. there is no limit. my frail body will one day be crushed under the weight of my tbr pile and my mind will rejoice at all the lives I have lived, at all the new words that I have learnt and yet there will still be more books that I wish to read. i am simply a gaping chasm that only books can fill.

[how-to-get-away-with-study]

Studying hard and trying not to get angry at the book I am reading.  Recently, my favorite way to blow off steam has been writing a grumpy review on Goodreads📖😤 If you want you can follow me here: goodreads

[bookblrihardlyknowher]

Horror books that genuinely scared me (from a lifelong horror reader that’s so so rare):

1) The Outsider by Stephen King - made me paranoid as fuck at night, had to hide the dust jacket

2) Straight by @drchucktingle - I had fucked up nightmares about this book, I couldn’t look my cis straight roommates in the eyes for days

3) Everything the Darkness Eats by Eric LaRocca - I’m a queer with religious trauma, I had a full existential crisis after reading this

Did these books affect me psychologically? Yeah probably. Are they also in my top fav of all time? Yup😊. Would I recommend them to everyone? Fuck yeah I would! Go read these and prove love is real (that is a threat💕)!

[theunholyvirginemilyprentiss]

EMILY PRENTISS’ GOODREADS:

THE HOLY BIBLE

multiple authors

★☆☆☆☆ 0.1

Overly-preachy narrative, too many plot holes. Profiled God as a malignant narcissist with an inferiority complex. Can’t blame Satan for lashing out at has dad like that, rebellion is typical of scapegoated children in a toxic family dynamic.

THE CATCHER IN THE RYE

J.D. Salinger

★★★★★ 5.0

Didn’t read it, five stars anyway because its reputation precedes it.

HOW TO FIND AT-RISK KIDS WHO GREW UP IN A 360-DEGREE ENVIRONMENT OF FAMILY VIOLENCE

David Rossi, Jason Gideon

★★☆☆☆ 2.0

Literally ruining my life. But two stars because I was high when I read it and it made my brain feel fuzzy in a good way.

THE LORD OF THE FLIES

William Golding

★★★☆☆ 0.3

Strong concept, disappointing lack of women.

SLAUGHTERHOUSE-FIVE

Kurt Vonnegut

★★★★★ 5.0

It’s so freaky-deaky, I love it.

Check out my Masterlist for more BAU scenarios

[5sosprincess]

[kevkebus-subh]

[landmeapoet-blog]

[doll-pparts]

carry on - rainbow rowell book review

What would I do without this book? Well, for starters, I wouldn't be sobbing in my bed at 2:05 in the morning. I would be slightly more normal, you know, if I hadn't read this book. I wouldn't be sobbing to my partner and going, "why the FUCK did I let you convince me to read this?" (He did not convince me to read it, I picked up all three books at the library because it was his hyperfixation when we first met.) I need this book injected into my veins. I need everything about these characters engraved into my psyche. Baz is so fleshed out, his traumas, his hatreds, everything. Simon is the most relatable character I have ever, and I mean EVER laid eyes upon. I love the writing style, I love everything about this book. I can't wait to start the next one. I'm in love with these characters. Everything about them is the most perfect thing in the world for me. This book ripped my heart out, smashed it to bits, and stitched it back together, and won't give it back. 

goodreads

[teaandspite]

The Great Goodreads Diss List (Part 2)

[part 1]

[part 3]

"I've read a few books where the authors should have quit while they were ahead. Occasionally that spot is after they've written down the title."

"As boring as watching my grandma knit"

"if I hear the word 'countless' used to describe what we were repeatedly told were exactly one million ships ever again, I think I'll find something to throw myself off."

"The only crime in this novel worth investigating is the one the author has committed against the English language."

"The breasts of every woman that appeared in this book were described."

"The best thing I can say about this book is that it's diverting. The worst thing I can say is not printable."

"This book could have been an email."

"Someone take the damned thesaurus away from [author]."

"This book is so bad that I literally joined Goodreads just so I could vent about it."

"Why does everybody keep falling for him? He has the emotional range of a potholder."

"as if a spavined mule was trying to do the tango to the music of Iron Maiden."

"too much wrapping and not enough content."

"Can I get a horror comic with real monsters and not a metaphorical one please."

"OH MY GOD WHEN WILL SOMEONE GET MURDERED ALREADY?"

"I did not read this I’m just a hater." 

"Sometimes, if it takes you 10 years to write a book, you just shouldn't." 

"I'd recommend vcr manuals over this."

"She actually wrote 'molten gaze'! Ack!"

"Those poor, tortured metaphors."

"This book only gets a star because the fact that I like words coincides with the fact that it contained words."

"I will proceed to chronicle my transition from literature enthusiast to broken shell of a woman"

"A shortbread tin Brigadoon piece of nonsense"

"It pains me to write this review, almost as much as it pained me to finish this book."

"'Empurpled' is a word that should never be used to describe genitalia. It should, however, be used to describe your prose."

"Well I mean, at least I'll have a new joke to tell my therapist this week."

[recapitulation]

if anyone wants to be friends on storygraph i just made one as @/apricotstone :)

[haveyoureadthisbook-poll]

[libertyreads]

My special edition of The Lies of Locke Lamora has finally arrived!

[pianokantzart]

I can't believe my great grandma managed to write 31 novels??? I can't even finish writing one.