#boog yearning arc

[shaniacsboogara]

Boog's Lesbian Dilemma

I (20F) suspected I liked women for a while, but never had real feelings for a girl until now. The problem is that I genuinely can't tell whether or not she (20F) likes me too or if I'm just losing my mind.

We both go to the same university, she lives just across the hallway from me, and we're in the same program, so we have most of our classes together and see each other all the time. She's absolutely interested in women, but is also open to dating men (although she's expressed to me that she's not sure she's actually attracted to them). In the past month or so we've started spending a ton of time together. She invites me to workout classes, we always get food together, she insisted the rest of our friends go home while we were on a walk one night so the two of us could keep walking together, we sat alone in my room and decorated my mini christmas tree while binge-watching her favourite show, she invited me out to grab coffee and do some studying at a cafe, i took her out for brunch after she won a competition, etc. She compliments me a ton, we're always "joke" flirting, and honestly a lot of the time it feels like we're already together in a way.

I struggle a lot with my anxiety and she's been able to help me through that and understands me in a way I don't think my own family even does. I've helped her through some rough shit too, and she's expressed that she really appreciates how I deal with those sort of situations. She's such a caring soul, and honestly stretches herself a bit too thin at times to make sure other people are taken care of (it's november, we're students, all our friends are going THROUGH IT).

We went out drinking after her sports game one night, and we were definitely a lot more flirty than usual (we held hands, I kissed her on the forehead... which could all mean nothing). One of our friends (18M) ended up asking us if we were together, because we hang out all the time and are both gay, but the conversation got derailed and neither of us gave an answer. Just last week something similar happened (no drinks involved) when we were hanging out with our friends in the common room and someone asked if we were together. This time, we just sort of turned to each other and exchanged comically wide-eyed stares while interlocking hands (we're an unserious pair of weirdos) while our friends debated whether or not they could see us as a couple (the consensus was "yes").

However, last night she was chatting with one of the dons from our building (19M i think), and later admitted to a group of us that she was interested in him. She's done this before, she used to talk like this about one of the guys on her sports team, and she's been calling this one girl in our year "super pretty" and said she'd date her, but I'm not sure what to make of it. It's probably important to note that I'm also on the spectrum, meaning I have some trouble reading social cues and situations (she is aware of this). When only the two of us are together, she doesn't talk about being romantically interested in anyone else. She has brought up her sort-of ex-boyfriend (I don't think the relationship was that serious), and opened up about having her first gay crush on her best friend (which didn't work out, but she's okay now). We've talked about love and relationships a lot, she knows I've never dated anyone before, and she's told me multiple times that she doesn't know how to make a relationship go any further than the flirting stage.

I really want to tell her how I feel about her, but can't help getting discouraged when she brings up all these "crushes" she has. The way she talks about them isn't that serious, and some of my friends suggested she might be trying to make me jealous / make sure other people don't know that she likes me. After hearing about her experience with her best friend, I think it could also just be that she doesn't want to go through that again and is trying to protect herself from getting her heart broken. I've really tried to show her I'm interested without boldly flirting (because honestly it's just not my style) by showing up to all her games, concerts, giving her trail mix but picking all of the raisins out because she hates them, inviting her to things, checking in as much as I can, drawing her (i have a painting i'm planning on giving her soon, she says she can't draw for shit and absolutely loves when people draw her), and flirting in little ways as much as I can. She's super important to me and we spend all our time together, so I really don't want to lose the friendship we've built by confessing how I feel, but I also don't want to relate to Chappell Roan's "Good Luck, Babe!" more than I already do.

Does she like me, or are we just friends? I'm going to ask her as soon as possible, but any help / insight would be appreciated.

TL;DR: I have a massive crush on my uni friend, and think it's reciprocal. However, around other people, she keeps talking about crushes. Does this mean she's not actually interested?