#bonks y’all upside the head

[paper-lilypie]

some of y’all in my inbox need to go to horny jail

[pinkysfaultorbrainsfault]

pinky and the brain - s1e5a: where no mouse has gone before

the blood test went okay! i’m still fucking exhausted but i’m pulling through. hopefully when the results come through it’ll be something tame yet treatable.

episode summary: upon learning of a human plot to communicate with aliens from a nearby planet, brain attempts to convince them that he is earth’s leader.

the rundown:

the mice are floating around.

did i need to cap all of those images? no. i probably only needed the last one, honestly. was it funnier? absolutely. so that’s what y’all get.

brain is upside down now.

“look, brain!” cries pinky. “i’m experiencing total weightlessness!”

bonk.

they’re in an anti gravity chamber, for reasons that have not been elaborated upon. they just sort of merrily bump into each other in there until someone lets them out.

bonk.

bonk.

ow. if pinky could die, that would probably be it for his spine. brain looks more like his alarm has just gone off and he really doesn’t want to get up, but god damn it, he has a 9am on tuesdays.

gromp.

“these experiments are degrading.”

“narf! i think they’re fun, brain! i can’t wait for the next ride!”

“that is because you have no dignity.”

but it’s okay. this man in terrifying sunglasses has come to rescue the boys. air mice nyoom is over.

as he takes them back to wherever, brain spots something of interest.

IT’S A DVD. HOW ANTIQUATED. but no, he’s more concerned about whatever it is this dude is polishing.

“did you see that plaque, pinky?” brain asks, and then does... this. for some reason. i don’t know. maybe i paused at a weird time. this is, uh, not a good moment, brain. there are people here.

“poit. he really ought to floss more often.”

this, at the very least, is enough to get brain to stick his ass out slightly less, and as they get lowered into fun little chairs,

he explains to pinky that the plaque "displays representations of man, woman, and the rudiments of earth’s most sophisticated science.”

see! there are the sciences right there. all sciences can be narrowed down to a bunch of dots and pi.

so then they get put in the promare spinny machine for their crimes.

sunglasses man leaves. he has done his duty for bill and country.

completely unbothered by the prospect of fueling the promepolis warp drive, brain explains to pinky that said plaque is being “sent on a probe to the outermost extremities of the galaxy, along with a disk showing earth’s arts and music.” unfortunately, this show is set in the 90s, so it’s a miracle this episode actually happened and the aliens didn’t just listen to a couple seconds of bjork and then decide to call the whole thing off.

meanwhile, the scientist turns the spinny mode up a bit.

“if the aliens look upon it, they will learn everything they need to know about the dominant species on earth!”

“naaarf. too bad there isn’t a picture of you on there, brain!”

“exactly,” says brain, who can somehow still manage a coherent sentence. “are you pondering what i’m pondering?”

“i think so, brain! but pants with horizontal stripes make me look chubby!”

awful. brain somehow manages to convey that if he puts a picture of himself on the plaque, then the aliens will recognise him as earth’s leader.

unfortunately, most of his lower half appears to be significantly broken, so he may need some assistance.

the episode cuts straight from spinny machine to the next scene, so i’m not entirely sure how long afterwards it takes place. i assume at the very least they both had a nap first, but anyway, now the mice are here and significantly less broken, and brain is standing in front of an engraving of himself and saying voila.

“voila.”

not only has he carved himself into the plaque, he’s also carved the human figures out entirely. impressive stuff, considering that tool is bigger than him.

pinky thinks it’s marvellous!

“but who is it?”

bonk.

it gets worse. brain explains that he has “slightly altered the great art masterpieces” to enhance his own importance as earth’s leader.

slightly.

“oh, this is my favourite one, brain!”

“......how did that get in there.”

undeterred, brain switches over to some samples of The World’s Great Works Of Classical Music.

BRAIN’S THE LEADEEEEEEEEEEER BRAIN’S THE LEAAAADEEEEER

he’s even included some examples of america’s contribution to the fine arts!

ROCK. AND ROLL.

A WOP BOP A LOO BOP A LOP BAM BRAIN. let it be known that little richard was actually white and dubiously canadian.

/s

anyway brain wants them to swap his disk and plaque with the real disk and plaque, so they set off to do that.

“but brain, what about ballet? aren’t you going to give them a sample of the ballet?”

“the aliens aren’t going to care about ballet, pinky.”

or perhaps he was just too embarrassed to edit his face onto the ballets russe. it’s okay brain. we love you even if your short legs make your sissones lackluster.

time for Big Rocket.

they’re stopped at the gates, of course.

fear not! it’s only famous jet propulsion scientist wernher von brain from the braun institute in baun.

and wernher von pinky!!! from the mink institute in pink!!!

brain looks at pinky like he’s just said something stupid, and chooses to ignore the fact that wernher van braun had been dead twenty years before this cartoon takes place. very smart, brain. much genius.

still, it works on this guy.

“from now on, pinky, whatever anyone asks you, just say ‘ja’ or ‘nein’.”

BUT NEVER MIND THAT.

IT’S TIME FOR BIG ROCKET.

brain screws his custom Mouse Plaque onto the base of the rocket. he also sticks his ass out again as he does it, because he is clearly having one of those days.

pinky watches as the countdown progresses slowly, from ten-nine-eight-seven-six-five-four-three-stand by for emission.

“did you hear the countdown, pinky?”

“ja!”

“what number are they down to?”

“nien!”

“nine???”

“ja!”

“excellent, plenty of time.”

<does a gay little run into the distance>

(he did not, in fact, have plenty of time.)

“didn’t you tell me they were down to nine, pinky?”

“ja! nien! poit!”

there’s your answer, i guess.

but it’s fine! brain’s picture is on the rocket, as well as his cultural erasure of little richard, so surely nothing can go wrong now!

look at it nyooming around in space. how cute.

conclusion:

ALIENS LAND ON EARTH.

news man witters on about this being the GREATEST MOMENT IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD as various politicians and news organisations congregate to say hi to the aliens. they are from firnobulax, and they want to meet earth’s leader!

here they come now!

squelch.

the aliens politely request to be taken to earth’s leader.

“he means me,” says bill, wriggling himself to the front of the line. “i can feel his pain.”

):

the other world leaders don’t seem too sure about this.

including... this guy. who is definitely supposed to be british (”oh, really, old chap, i think he means me”) but i. definitely do not recognise him. who are you??? what did you do to the queen??????? give liz back right now you bureaucrat, or the entirety of england will throw hands.

the aliens care not for this.

so they kind of explode everyone in the venue, as you do.

the politicians watch in horror as the aliens fly right past them, to this innocent looking soap box right at the back.

the inhabitants of which came prepared. very cute.

“you are the earth creature known as. brain?”

“yes!”

“i am the leader of this planet!! ruler of all i survey!!!!!”

good for you! (:

“narf. and he really isn’t just a laboratory mouse trying to take over the world.”

brain will handle this from here, thank you.

the aliens are satisfied, at least. they give pinky a little pat on the head for all his narfs (he speaks excellent firnobulax, don’t you know, narf poit egad) and take the mice away to CELEBRATE THEIR GLORY.

it doesn’t look very comfortable, but neither of them seem to mind.

“at last, pinky! we are finally appreciated!”

“what does it feel like..........”

anyway, the spaceship full of mice flies away. brain regails the firnobulaxians with tales of how he invented electricity.

“but brain. wasn’t that ben franklin?”

bonk.

brain realises mid bonk that this probably looks very suspicious, so he convinces the aliens that this is a gesture of respect on earth.

it goes about as well as one would think it would.

“you mean all those years, you were just showing me respect! i’m touched!”

“yes, you certainly are.”

luckily, they make it back to firnobulax without too much trouble.

there’s a parade and everything. the crowd cheers “narf! poit! brain!” as they’re carried through the street, which is probably a sequence of words that brain is very used to hearing.

i don’t know what these things are, but they’re scary.

they make it to brain’s “domicile” soon enough, which is a big fancy room with a chair in it.

there’s only one chair, which is sad, but hopefully that can be mitigated. brain settles himself down triumphantly.

“from now on, pinky,” he says, “everything will be different.”

which is a good time for bars to fall down over one of the windows.

donk.

the mice look on, horrified,

as it continues around the rest of the room.

and the door, too, for good measure.

“egad, brain!” cries pinky. “they’ve locked us in!”

“yes, pinky.”

“yes.”

awww. ):

as pinky attempts to break the bars, brain wanders off back to his little chair, incredibly despondantly.

he has to prepare for tomorrow night.

“why, brain? what are we going to do tomorrow night?”

“same thing we do every night, pinky. try to take over firnobulax.”

hmmmmm.

man. i just. the plan actually worked, is the thing. it did exactly what brain intended it to. and how could he have known that firnobulax wanted to kidnap the leader of earth for scientific purposes? maybe if they’d been upfront with their intent, we would have had an excuse to send some dictators into space. go figure.

but never mind.

brain: 6 pinky: 7 outside influence: 13

“ooooo, i don’t know, brain. i once saw a group of japanese tourists absolutely melt at the final scene of giselle.”

[fantastical-euphoria]

the deuce of dates

if i could describe my best friend in three words…

i scrutinized the three blank lines underneath the question written on page two of a magazine titled “get to know your best friend.”

silly, dorky, goofball. i snickered to myself, filling out the appropriate spaces.

“aren’t you a little old to still be reading those kiddie magazines?” vance came over, fiddling around with one of those plastic toy microphones you always got at the carnival.

“aren’t you a little old to be presuming that?” i retorted.

“hm, fair point.” he came over and joined me in hanging upside down over my bed.

“excited for tonight?”

i nodded, grinning dumbly. “oh, yes, very much so. most definitely.”

“we’re supposed to meet hannah and lexi over at tom and kenneth’s sushi and ramen bar.” he bonked my forehead with the mic. “and we’re gonna nail the karaoke, aren’t we?”

we looked over at each other, pressing our noses together and squealing like the stupid kids-at-heart that we were.

“you think any other seniors will show up?”

“let’s hope not. confrontation is not my forte.”

“i don’t think it’s any of ours.”

vance shifted his focus back to the microphone.

“well, i guess we better practice.”

“what if we wear out our voices?” i laughed.

“you think that’ll actually happen?”

“it might.”

“who cares?”

so we got back on the floor and i plugged my phone into vance’s stereo, blasting phil collins’ 1984 hit easy lover.

naturally, i was the one who sang the high notes, and vance the raspy notes. duets were sort of our thing.

we even came up with a ridiculous choreography to go along with it, not that anyone would care. we mostly expected them to laugh, but hey, we were natural people pleasers.

and afterwards, we figured that we’d both fall on the floor in a discombobulated heap, laughing so hard that we’d have to get sent to the er for heart palpitations.

so we practiced that as well.

one we calmed down enough, we stood back up, brushed the dust off ourselves and got ourselves changed.

“i’ve got my party pants on!” vance gestured to his lower half, where he was wearing the most cheesy, 80’s leather pants that i’d ever laid eyes on.

“suits you well.” i glanced over him, noting how charming and alluring he already appeared without the makeup.

“want me to do your makeup, dear?”

“polite pass, i’m afraid i’ll do so much dancing that i’ll sweat it off.” i knew vance’s deep desire was to become a makeup artist, but if i’m being honest here, it could still use some work.

i twirled around in my dress and high heels, taking in the grand sight for myself. black, tight-fitting, and full of sequins. unassuming. just how i liked it.

“ugh, i’m so nervous for this thing!” i nearly squealed, jumping up and down a bit before studying myself in the mirror.

“i’m sure you’ll look stunning tonight, babe.” he went over and squeezed my hand, nestling his lips onto my cheek in a prolonged kiss.

“me? stunning?” i laughed. “highly doubtful.”

“sure you will. wanna know how i know? cause i can still kiss that pretty little face of yours.”

“shucks, it looks silly as heck.” i rolled my eyes at him, somewhat appreciating his playfulness.

he quickly flashed me a scornful glance before gazing down at his watch.

“it’s go time.”

we collected our handbags as we grabbed onto each other’s hands and skipped into the living room, waving goodbye to his parents and three poodles before heading into his car.

when we arrived to the sushi bar, lexi and hannah had already arrived.

“jenna! sir vance-a-lot! you made it!”

“what did you tell your parents?”

“that we were just meeting up with some friends.” i shrugged. “no biggie.”

“y’all are doing the karaoke too, right?”

“nah, we’ll just sit back and watch the fireworks.”

“let me guess, you’ve got some elaborate plan or what?”

“exquisite, darling. always exquisite with us.”

we all laughed wholeheartedly as we entered the restaurant.

“table for four,” vance told the host, still squeezing my hand.

he took us to a table right near the stage, not too blinding of an atmosphere, not too loud, yet still the appropriate proximity to where we deserved to be.

“when’s karaoke, my good man?” vance asked.

“nine pm to one am,” the host explained. “you’ll be running our drink supply dry if you’re nuts enough to stay till then.”

“oh, you can bet your money on it.”

the host chuckled as he left us with our menus and glasses of water.

“dude, what yhe hell were you doing just then?”

“it sounded like you were flirting with the guy.”

“fucking flirting!”

“well, jesus christ! could i look any fruitier than i already am?”

“good lord.”

dinner went by fast, with vance conducting 90% of the small talk. mostly he told horror stories of his poodles’ groomer messing up his babies’ haircuts (he called them trims) and how he managed to consult with the groomer’s so-called ex-boyfriend, although clearly he was a transvestite.

for dinner we all had bowls of ramen (me and vance opting for the vegan options), each of us complaining to an extent about how this felt too eerily familiar to college.

“honey, we’re not even there yet,” vance emphasized with a dramatic hand gesture.

“well, that’s good to know,” i replied, and we laughed all over again.

then an announcer came on stage to announce that karaoke would be kicking off shortly and that anyone willing to participate better be warming up their vocal chords as he spoke.

“who knew a japanese dinner theatre would be all the haps tonight?”

“that’s what i’m saying!”

we were probably the loudest table in the entire restaurant.

once the karaoke did commence, however, it had been a good hour since we’d eaten, and i’d begun to feel strangely ill. saliva had started to collect itself in my throat, and whatever my last bite was, it seemed to have never properly settled in the depths of my stomach.

“fuck,” i muttered quietly, clutching onto the area of slight agony.

“babe,” i tapped on vance’s shoulder. “i’ll be right back, i gotta run to the restroom.”

he must have noticed my pale complexion in a heartbeat.

“everything okay?” he instantly asked. “i’ll follow you to the bathroom, if you wish.”

i shook my head, getting up out of my chair. “no, no, it’s okay.” i waved the offer aside. “you stay here with the…”

as suddenly as the sickness appeared, it took the same amount of time for it to pass.

“huh. false alarm.” i flashed vance an assuring smile as i sat back down.

“see? nothing to worry about.”

we were called up to the stage, and while i ran around to the stairs and took the easy way up, vance decided to be a show-off and hopped up right where he was previously sat.

“you better be fit and well for this karaoke. or better yet, ready.”

i laughed it off. “i’m ready as i’ll ever be. nothing can break my spirit now.”

we waited for the deejay to begin spinning the karaoke version of phil collins’ smash hit easy lover.

“you requested it already, right?”

“already did.”

“alright ladies and gentleman, what these fine and lovely folk got for us to night is an 80’s classic, written and produced by the legend himself…”

the lights overhead appeared to be more blindingly bright than i remembered.

the lightheadedness slowly began to re-emerge, and my legs began to wobble slightly.

“phew,” i wiped a bead of sweat off my forehead. “i must be nervous.”

“oh my god, sweetheart, you’ll do fine! rest assured! just like we practiced, right? focus on me, and follow my lead. got it?”

i nodded, barely comprehending what he’d just said. “got it.”

so we began to sing, me struggling to squeak out those now seemingly impossible-to-hit high notes.

mid-song was when i really felt my worst.

it hit me like a bullet train, a rush of uneasiness that shifted to queasiness that shifted to regurgitation gradually beginning to build up and bubble in my throat…

right when vance was about to pass the mic off to me, i shoved it back in his direction and sprinted off the stage, nearly tripping like a clumsy fool down the stairs and into the bathroom, finding my footing and hovering over a toilet stained with the ghosts of meals past. or should i say, passed.

“fuckkk!” i really felt it now. the shittiest feeling, even worse than ditching your best friend at the peak performance that you intended to experience together. that you intended to share. that was a golden opportunity to confess your true, undying love for the outrageous man-child.

it was nothing but that, the truth. i’d always loved him unconditionally. more than a friend. more than a best friend.

it wasn’t the looks, or the persona. it was the genuineness that he possessed. he just rarely showed it.

until when he most needed to.

“jen?” i’d only blinked and vance was right by my side, squeezing my hand, rubbing my back while occasionally pulling a strand of hair away from my face.

i shook my head. “i don’t feel good. let’s go home.”

“don’t worry, we’re going home after you’re done here.”

“i’m sorry—“

“no, no, we’ve got all night.” he ran his hand along my spine reassuringly. “take your time.”

indeed, i did. it wasn’t until an hour later that i was anywhere near feeling any better.

“wow,” i breathed as i studied my ghastly face in the mirror. “i look hideous.” i laughed softly. “see, now aren’t you glad you didn’t do my makeup tonight?”

“you would have looked gorgeous regardless, dear.” vance was holding onto both my arms, steadying me, always at the ready just in case i slipped.

“let’s go home,” i muttered after a while, burying my face into his shirt. “i’m sorry i just messed up your shirt.”

“dry cleaning isn’t that expensive. although i do tend to underestimate a lot of prices of things.” he tenderly kissed the tuft of hair right above my forehead.

i was appreciative of his attempt to cheer me up even just slightly.

once we said our parting words and waved goodbye to lexi and hannah (who were too busy on their cell phones to even catch sight of the unfolding conundrum), we got back into vance’s car and drove back home.

he offered to let me stay at his place tonight, something of which i’d forever be gracious for.

i grabbed back onto his hand and massaged it gently. “i love you.”

out of the corner of my eye i could see his lip curl up slightly and his hand squeeze mine back. “love you more, you crazy goof.”

he offered to let me stay at his place tonight, something of which i’d forever be gracious for.

because it was that night that i confessed my feelings for him, truly, madly, deeply.

and i knew that he’d love me back in the same way.

regardless if i had food poisoning aroused by vegan sushi.

regardless if karaoke night turned out to be a disaster.

regardless if i was a complete mess.

because we both were. and it was easy to recognize that.

@fiction-tastic here’s a little sappy loovvee ugh now i’m so lovesick gaggg someone come save meee

also should i write more stories about them?