#bold of me to have 'yeah go ahead and do it' opinions in the same breath as I go 'yeah I'm spaying my bitch'

[starlooove]

would you include cis people in trans spaces? straight people in gay and bi spaces? no? then why would you include cisgender straight people in les gay bi trans spaces? lgbt aces are lgbt. cisgender straight aces aren't. please be less of a moron.

That wasn’t my question tho. My question was what material gain do you get outta excluding ace and aro people from the community? How does that materially benefit the community as a whole irl and is the political landscape we’re in now appropriate to be doing that in? What makes it serious enough for you to be such a bitch about it?

[grison-in-space]

man, this is often how I feel when I'm making decisions about my dogs' health. I don't do breeding--Tilly will probably be spayed in a few months, I'm clearly not going to get off my ass to go to conformation classes at this point--but even questions that don't hinge on bringing new life into the world are really hard to interpret, especially when the data just isn't all the way there yet. This is one of those things where you have to grapple with an ethical accounting where none of the answers are good, and where there are upsides and downsides to literally anything you might choose to do; you're the only person who can decide what will let you sleep at night, you know?

I'm a scientist, sure, but I'm not exactly this kind of scientist: I can evaluate the lit, and I'm fluent in population genetics, but I've never worked directly on dogs and I am only one flawed human being. That said, I have some thoughts behind the cut here.

Here's the thing: if I was you, I would not rule out breeding him to a bitch with a Grade 1 or Grade 0 back screening, given everything else about him, with full disclosure to any puppy buyers. I say this because, well, you're willing to breed a Dachshund and not march at full speed to another breed. I don't necessarily think that breeding him to a Grade 1 or 0 bitch is worse than breeding any Dachshund dog to a Dachshund bitch, and I can see some fairly strong arguments to treat this like a strong fault rather than a total disqualification from a breeding program.

The thing about dog breeding within a closed studbook, especially in a breed like Dachshunds, is that you're closed in with a lot of hard decisions to make. As You Know, Bob, there are straight up not a lot of Dachshunds with back screening to choose from out there, and most of the ones that do exist do not have ideal back scores. You've seen the genetic data re: FGF4 insertions, right? It's just straight up fixed in all of them. Additionally, IVDD screening is complicated because the phenotype we care about, which is actual disc extrusions, isn't the same as the number of calcified disks that the screen measures. This is actually really similar to hip dysplasia in that PENNhip and OFA tests don't measure the thing we really care about in dogs, which is the crippling arthritis and lameness that often (but don't always) come alongside a dysplastic hip conformation.

You've heard me talking about hip dysplasia and why loose-ligamented, extensiony GSDs suffer so much more of the associated arthritis than dogs with tight joints and ligaments that hold the joint in place, right? That does not mean that breeding for good hips isn't important, and it doesn't mean that you can't have a long-striding dog with perfect ethics, but it does mean that you have to select much more intensely on hip ball/socket fit in GSDs than you can get away with in other breeds in order to not subject the dog to the chronic pain aspect of the disorder. IVDD is going to be similar in that respect: disc calcifications correlate with disc extrusions, sure, but they are not quite the same thing. (This is especially true since interrater reliability for disc calcifications is, uh, not that good. I would personally want multiple blind expert opinions on my dog if I was trying to make decisions based on the score; I don't know if that's a feature of your scoring system offhand.)

Breeding is, by definition, about selection: not all dogs produced will be bred, right? A good breeding program selects the traits that we want to carry forward, and from there we can fix them. But when we select on good stuff, we carry a lot of things with that and concentrate it. Ideally, we can outcross to refresh our population with the neutral stuff and select from the offspring to bring back the traits we want. The trouble is that this process takes time: the looser your selection and the more you wash the general population back into your selected predictable dog population, the slower you go and the more variation you retain. The faster you move setting your type or selecting for the variants you want, perhaps by linebreeding or exercising very strong selection on your population, the more things you absolutely do not want will be carried along for the ride. For Dachshunds, propensity for IVDD has been carried along and--in the form of the FGF4 insertion--fixed. (In this case the fixation might just be a consequence of the most extreme dwarf phenotype or it might be something that is relatively neutral for Dachshunds.)

The problem with a closed studbook is that you have no way of re-infusing that neutral to positive variation once that studbook closes. So for example, if you pivot only to back-screened dogs, you lose Kermit's entire sub-population of falconry dogs into the bargain. That whole group gets washed away, along with any allelic variations specific to those dogs that might be useful later. This is what it means when people talk about dog breeds being like conservation of endangered species: they're not, you can outcross any time you want except for the cultural stuff, but if you close the studbook and ban all outcrossing permanently, you will eventually wind up with a gene pool that is too damn small very easily. Once you're there, it can be impossible to rescue the animals, and if you even can, you have to breed very carefully to maximize the genetic impact that every single individual born into the population has in order not to lose more beneficial variation. This is where Doberman breeders are at now.

Now, the trouble with building a fence around the law when breeding dogs and emphasizing breeding for a trait that correlates strongly with health but isn't the same thing as it is that this constitutes a form of very strong selection on the population. This goes triple for a breed like Dachshunds where the problematic disease state is extremely common, because you have to filter out even more of the dogs and shrink your potential pool of breeding animals. It's possible to concentrate down on a totally different disease in doing this, and that's the thing I personally would worry about from the data I've passed over in Dachshunds. (Ah, forgive me for the infodumps; I just keep checking the literature because, well, it's such an interesting frontier to investigate and I like to know how we develop new bodies of information.)

One thing this means is that purebred dogs are going to have different levels of heritability for complex traits left to work with. Heritability is not "how genetic a trait is," it's more like "how much of the phenotypic variation we see in the population (here number of disc calcifications) is attributable to genetic variation, and how much is the result of other factors?" If you've fixed all the genetic variation in the breed, heritability will be very low even if the disease is clearly genetic and found in high frequencies in your breed. I could find two estimates of heritability for disc calcification in Dachshunds, but both involve small sample sizes: Stigen 1993 estimates heritability as low as 15-20%, while Lappalainen 2015 reports a much more optimistic (for breeders) range of 43-52%.

Unfortunately, I should note that I think the Stigen paper is better even though it's older: the Lappalainen paper studies the radiographs of all the dogs submitted for spine analysis to the Finnish Kennel Club since 1997, while the Stigen paper seems to be a more general sample of dogs that has less in the way of population stratification. The Lappalainen results are also counter-intuitive to me in a few different respects: first, it seems bizarre that the genetic heritability of disc calcification should increase after 15 years of selection on this trait, and it does not seem that the intervening 15 years of selection has actually reduced the level of phenotypic disc calcification in the breed. There are a few estimations of breeding values in the Lappalainen paper also that are not clearly connected to direct values that have me peering at its conclusions with a certain amount of skepticism.

Another thing that occurs to me is that it's hard to get a sense for what other factors are creating potential for injury beyond simple disc calcification. When you reported Kermit's spine readings, I confess that my first thought is that he's an incredibly active little dude: between the agility and more importantly the ratting, his spine has a lot of insults that could develop into an injury in his every day life. That said, we know that muscle tone and ligament strength can have a protective effect on actual disc extrusions: what if the actual meaning of the spine calcification read is that Kermit's abdominal wall strength prevents discs from actually extruding even if they calcify? I really find Rohdin 2010 convincing on this: she finds that calcified discs as measured by xray are not actually more likely than non-calcified discs to cause extrusion injuries, and that the level of internal calcification is not always visible from xrays alone as confirmed by histopathology.

What I would personally do is screen the shit out of everything, use the outcomes to determine strengths needed when pairing dog to bitch, and move forward with my eyes open--not least because when you're working with the best dogs you can find for ratting ability, you're going to be limited in what you can get access to in order to breed into your lines. I would also keep detailed records with puppy buyers if at all possible and cross back and forth a fair bit across various types of lines if possible. Across dogs with Kermit's activity level, what do spine calcifications look like? We just do not have the data to ascertain that clearly right now, as far as I can see.

Jumping off what I just posted, when I said I was pulling Kermit from breeding due to the number calcifications in his back and some stuff going on with his littermates, a (American) dachshund breeder told me I was making a mistake.

I won't go into the whole conversation, but among other things she said that back screening is a pseudoscience and it's foolish to base breeding decisions on "just" calcifications. She also said that she is a veterinary neurologist who regularly deals with IVDD in her patients and she totally ignores calcifications, "so you can see how much stock I put in back screening".

And. I don't know.

On the one hand, yeah, it's not perfect. I know it's not perfect. I've been treating it like screening for hip and elbow dysplasia. The information it gives us is limited at best, it does not guarantee offspring will be ED/HD/IVDD-free, and it's basically a shot in the dark. But it's better than nothing. It's better than totally ignoring the problem.

I didn't say anything back because I'm not interested in a debate, but the people who are writing the papers on back screening are also veterinarians. It's not like they are laypeople who invented some snake-oil scheme to sell to unsuspecting plebs.

And I don't know, I feel like doing something is better than doing nothing. Nearly every American breeder I've talked to is doing nothing. And quite a few of them hold "those Europeans" in disdain. Like, don't you care? Don't you care about your dogs? Don't you want to get rid of this terrible thing plaguing your breed? Isn't selecting for more normal backs better than loudly declaring "my dogs are healthy" and vilifying owners whose dogs herniate a disc? Don't you care??

But what do I know. I'm just some rando who has an Animal Science degree but isn't a veterinarian or a breeder or a scientist. I'm just doing my best to understand.

[imanes]

doing a lil august reading wrap up because apparently i read 13 (!!) books. in chronological order (bolded are those i recommend):

city of stairs by robert jackson bennett: quite the interesting read. i think the character work in this one is a standout, as well as the world building. the good thing is i have no idea where this trilogy is going so it's exciting. the audiobook for the second book arrives in 2 weeks on my shelves on libby so I'll be reading the sequel soon

braiding sweetgrass by robin wall kimmerer: this one took me a whole entire year to read and finish lol. no comment. or maybe one comment: i think i'd have found this book a lot more eye opening if i had read it three years ago so right book wrong time i guess? i do recommend it i just think it didn't impact me as much as i thought it would

the blighted worlds by megan e. o'keefe: this one hit me like a truck!! i was so obsessed. it's a sci-fi space opera with an element of horror and an interesting romance sub-plot. basically everything i love lmao. i really do recommend this book it might actually be my fave of the month

sanctuary by ilona andrews: i have to stay up to date on all things kate daniels-related to this spin off was high on my tbr. it was a lot of fun but it petered out toward the end

where the dark stands still by a.b. poranek: a bit of a let down not gonna lie. the gist of my opinion is that it felt underdeveloped and in turn i felt under-interested in whatever was going on

shadows of self by brandon sanderson: once again i am begging the protagonists of this series to stop being aggravating

the fractured dark by megan e. o'keefe: continuing my obsession with the devoured worlds trilogy... unfortunately i have to wait on my libby hold to get the audiobook of the next one (i read with my eyeballs and listen at the same time to help with concentration)

the right to sex - feminism in the 21st century by amia srinivasan: i read this book because i know of two people who broke up with their significant other (one of them resulting in a divorce) after reading this book so i had to know what srinivasan had cooked in there and yeah she did cook.

the way of kings by brandon sanderson: just part of my re-read in preparation of the release of wind and truth in December. this month we tackle (again) words of radiance teehee

just for the summer by abby jimenez: womp womp womp. idk what it is with romance authors these days they're in a competition with themselves to portray the healthiest love stories but this one teetered on the wrong side of boring one too many times and the volume to therapy-speech in this one was staggering.

the ex vows by joyce jessica: twas a cute poolside read, it's nothing revolutionary but it was pleasant enough and it didn't make me roll my eyes like just for the summer jdkjgsk at least the love interest had a personality and a life... i mean it's fiction so it's not a life but it appeared as if he contained multitudes or something

funny story by emily henry: I'll go ahead and say it nobody writes a contemporary romance quite like miss henry because she's got the secret recipe for the right balance between heartfelt feelings and amusing situations + her dialogues feel a lot more natural than most (though if i had to nitpick she always has this side character who's a fountain of wisdom and gives you life-changing monologues but i guess such people exist out there)

the thief by megan whalen turner: the megans are really out in full force because this is another book written by a megan that i loved so much. yes half of this book is a fairly episodic journey across made-up countries, yes i ate it up, yes the second half is worth the wait (if you were out of patience, which i wasn't, bc i was having fun) and yes the plot twists are chef's kiss. "gen's ambitions are his own" is the perfect summary. everand has all the audiobooks so you know what I'm gonna do... that's right... listen and read at the same time

as an aside the tandem reads i do with both books and audiobooks happen only when i like the narrators. if i find a narrator i like i stick to them like glue because they're few and far between as far as my picky ass is concerned. i never do romance audiobooks they're the worst...

[thefeathercollective]

we're 99.9% sure that portuguese poet Fernando Pessoa was plural.

okay uh disclaimer. we're not a psychology or literature expert by any means. we rarely even read poetry. we only heard of this guy in high school literature class and the thought stuck with us and then we found plausible evidence lmao. also, as a plural system ourselves, we're clearly biased.

and a considerable amount of this post will be sourced from wikipedia. and this is the first time we've made a post like this. please don't come after us I'm just writing this for fun lmao

huge ramble ahead!

who even was that man

Fernando António Nogueira Pessoa (Portuguese: [fɨɾˈnɐ̃du pɨˈsoɐ]; 13 June 1888 – 30 November 1935) was a Portuguese poet, writer, literary critic, translator, publisher, and philosopher, described as one of the most significant literary figures of the 20th century and one of the greatest poets in the Portuguese language. He also wrote in and translated from English and French.

yeah that's who the man was. but what really sparked our interest in him during class and made us wonder if he was plural were his...

✨heteronyms✨

y'know pseudonyms? when someone writes under a different name than their own for whatever reason? these are similar, but the catch is that the different names have different personalities, supposed appearances, philosophies, all that shit.

the term was coined by Pessoa himself, and his heteronyms were written as if they were real people. they had detailed careers, histories, etc. he had at least 70, although I vaguely remember some other source estimating it at around 100.

"but eva, these could just be OCs or something!",

he had 3 main ones though, being Alberto Caeiro (known for interpreting the world as-is, without greater meaning or anything, like some sorta anti-poet), Álvaro de Campos (a naval engineer who even had multiple phases in his philosophy) and Ricardo Reis (who wrote with a lot of structure and rationality, and was very pessimistic).

I predict someone typing. to that, I begin my endless copy-paste + ramble about all the things that make us think the heteronyms were headmates.

I'll throw in a section of a letter Pessoa wrote to some other poet (bolding the parts I find relevant because I don't love walls of text lmao)

How do I write in the name of these three? Caeiro, through sheer and unexpected inspiration, without knowing or even suspecting that I'm going to write in his name. Ricardo Reis, after an abstract meditation, which suddenly takes concrete shape in an ode. Campos, when I feel a sudden impulse to write and don't know what. (My semi-heteronym Bernardo Soares, who in many ways resembles Álvaro de Campos, always appears when I'm sleepy or drowsy, so that my qualities of inhibition and rational thought are suspended; his prose is an endless reverie. He's a semi-heteronym because his personality, although not my own, doesn't differ from my own but is a mere mutilation of it. He's me without my rationalism and emotions. His prose is the same as mine, except for certain formal restraint that reason imposes on my own writing, and his Portuguese is exactly the same – whereas Caeiro writes bad Portuguese, Campos writes it reasonably well but with mistakes such as "me myself" instead of "I myself", etc.., and Reis writes better than I, but with a purism I find excessive…)

so not only does he describe writing Caeiro completely unexpectedly, he also gives the same sort of opinion about his heteronyms' writings that we've seen (and experienced) plural folks give about their headmates' typing or drawing styles.

hell, "writes better than I but with a purism I find excessive" is exactly my opinion of lynn when he does our assignments lmao

the semi-heteronym surfacing when Pessoa is sleepy could be some sorta dissociative state that lets a headmate come through, be it straight-up fronting or passive influence... but I'm probably forcing it too much here.

uhhh here's something on the heteronym thing from some guy called richard zenish. I bolded some parts again

For each of his 'voices', Pessoa conceived a highly distinctive poetic idiom and technique, a complex biography, a context of literary influence and polemics and, most arrestingly of all, subtle interrelations and reciprocities of awareness. [...] Pessoa was often unsure who was writing when he wrote, and it's curious that the very first item among the more than 25,000 pieces that make up his archives in the National Library of Lisbon bears the heading A. de C. (?) or B. de D. (or something else).

"okay.... they could still be characters though"

the heteronyms were aware of and sometimes interacted between themselves. wikipedia's list of Pessoa's heteronyms even has the man himself as a heteronym and pupil of Alberto Caeiro, although I don't feel like going after the source for that bit.

dear hypothetical person I'm quoting here, you're entitled to your opinion. but how about we take, say... a more DID/OSDD-y approach to things? because there's things that hint that Fernando Pessoa's plurality could be traumagenic and/or disordered too.

When Pessoa was five, his father, Joaquim de Seabra Pessôa, died of tuberculosis and less than seven months later his younger brother Jorge, aged one, also died (2 January 1889).

(written by himself about himself:) Nothing had ever obliged him to do anything. He had spent his childhood alone. He never joined any group. He never pursued a course of study. He never belonged to a crowd. The circumstances of his life were marked by that strange but rather common phenomenon – perhaps, in fact, it's true for all lives – of being tailored to the image and likeness of his instincts, which tended towards inertia and withdrawal.

(written by a schoolfellow:) For one of his age, he thought much and deeply and in a letter to me once complained of "spiritual and material encumbrances of most especial adverseness". He took no part in athletic sports of any kind and I think his spare time was spent on reading. We generally considered that he worked far too much and that he would ruin his health by so doing.

so childhood trauma, check...? at the very least this stuff doesn't sound very good for a child's mental health.

Pessoa's earliest heteronym, at the age of six, was Chevalier de Pas. Other childhood heteronyms included Dr. Pancrácio and David Merrick, followed by Charles Robert Anon, a young Englishman who became Pessoa's alter ego.

"I can remember what I believe was my first heteronym, or rather, my first nonexistent acquaintance — a certain Chevalier de Pas — through whom I wrote letters to myself when I was six years old, and whose not entirely hazy figure still has a claim on the part of my affections that borders on nostalgia. I have a less vivid memory of another figure . . . who was a kind of rival to the Chevalier de Pas. Such things occur to all children ? Undoubtedly — or perhaps. But I lived them so intensely that I live them still; their memory is so strong that I have to remind myself that they weren’t real."

oh I just found some spiritual stuff too

the appearance of the first heteronym was after his family members died so that's one thing... and like, that's not just one childhood heteronym but at least four. and well, to me they sound a bit too vivid for your average imaginary friend.

Pessoa's interest in spiritualism was truly awakened in the second half of 1915, while translating theosophist books. This was further deepened in the end of March 1916, when he suddenly started having experiences where he believed he became a medium, having experimented with automatic writing. [...] Besides automatic writing, Pessoa stated also that he had "astral" or "etherial visions" and was able to see "magnetic auras" similar to radiographic images. [...] Mediumship exerted a strong influence in Pessoa's writings, who felt "sometimes suddenly being owned by something else" or having a "very curious sensation" in the right arm, which was "lifted into the air" without his will. Looking in the mirror, Pessoa saw several times what appeared to be the heteronyms: his "face fading out" and being replaced by the one of "a bearded man", or another one, four men in total.

........

man, this wikipedia article is extensive and full of stuff that supports our silly little theory, huh.

yeah, so he attributed it to spiritual reasons which is fair and valid, but... "owned by something else" all of a sudden? the thing with the right arm sounding a lot like partial possession in tulpamancy? seeing his heteronyms' faces in the mirror?

yeahhhh.

(I'm guessing the magnetic aura thing could be some sorta derealization, contributing to the he-was-a-dissociative-system hypothesis, but that's yet another stretch on my part.)

(plus, spiritual plurality is a thing.)

oh! this thing he wrote sounds a lot like it too.

"This tendency to create around me another world . . . began in me as a young adult, when a witty remark that was completely out of keeping with who I am or think I am would sometimes and for some unknown reason occur to me, and I would immediately, spontaneously say it as if it came from some friend of mine whose name I would invent, along with biographical details, and whose figure — physiognomy, stature, dress and gestures — I would immediately see before me."

let's just do a quick google..

am I biased? yes, very much so. but y'know. you can see I have my reasons.

to see if any people with more qualifications than we have think the same about Fernando Pessoa possibly being plural lmao.

...oh, yes. contrary to what we thought a couple years ago when we had that class about the guy, other people have indeed thought the same. and written about it.

keywords "fernando pessoa mpd" give us:

this paper from 2012 (in portuguese) that... well, I *think* it claims he had mpd but it's very convoluted and abstract about it

this little... forum post? from 2009 that quotes a dead link :v

this one seems kinda cool. it regards Pessoa's positive approach to his heteronym-having as a creative condion called Pessoa Syndrome, and later mentions some Multiple Personality Order (not disorder). don't love some of its wording about mental disorders and madness... it's good to see someone consider healthy multiplicity as a thing that exists, though. it also claims Pessoa became someone with multiple personalities through his heteronymic writing, which is yet another possible origin I hadn't considered before for some fucking reason.

this one cites a dissociative process

this one straight up calls it "subject plurality"!

conclusion ig. I'm pretending to be organized here.

other keywords (like "fernando pessoa dissociative") provide some more results :0 but I've been writing this post for far too long now and would rather not read through more odd wording lmao

it really surprises me that wikipedia doesn't mention the possibility at all from what I've read and ctrl+F'ed. I thought we were being a conspiracy theorist about it but then I found even more stuff to back us up, including other people's analyses. so that's nice.

and I think this kind of thing, of plurals of the past, should be talked about more in the community. it's really interesting to say the least.

...

how does one even end a post like this one.

uhh thanks for reading!!

[obae-me]

I randomly thought of this but now I can't get rid of it and I NEED TO TELL SOMEONE (and who better than youuuu who actually takes the time to read the long ass stuff I send <3) . The sassiest Mc who is sweet as sugar but also cold as ice spitting straight facts if her buttons are pushed. Like it would be soooo satisfying to shut the brothers up and put em in their place >.<

Mammon: Oi stupid huma-

Mc: Me? Stupid? Oh really now- That's rich coming from someone who would still be hanging from the ceiling if I hadn't come and saved their ass.

~

Diavolo: We can't thank you enough mc for making the exchange program such a success an-

Mc: Honestly I couldn't care less, I didn't even consent to any to this? You just plopped me here with 7 demons who have issues even therapy can't solve... if it wasn't for the free rent I would have ran away long ago.

~

Lucifer: You have to obey the rules I have set-

Mc: Why?

Lucifer: Because this is my house and what I say is fina-

Mc: No but literally why :/ You are not my dad also if I want to, I can easily ask diavolo to let me stay somewhere else.

Lucifer: YOU HAVE SOME NERVE SPEAKING LIKE THAT FOR A HUMAN I CAN EASILY KILL-

Mc: Sure go ahead , not like you haven't tried that before. Also, for someone who wants diavolo's plan to succeed you sure are doing a bad job at it.

Like plsss PLSSSS I just want the mc to DESTROY them ;like not in the roasting them kinda way but just like saying the plain truth so bluntly that you can't really argue against that logic.

I just want them to set the record straight like- I was brought here without my choice and any warning. Threatened and STRAIGHT UP KILLED and then forced to play therapist for these same ppl who gave a shit about me only when they knew I was a descendent of their dead sister :] (Ik that's not exactly it but you get the point)

Ooo this kind of MC is great, I love thinking about them! They'd manage to probably snap most of the brothers into better behavior after pushing MC one too many times.

The only one that would constantly struggle would probably be Lucifer, who appreciates their boldness and honesty but if it doesn't drive him absolutely mad sometimes.

And oo yeah I think about that nice tasty bit of angst often. In my own head I have it mapped out differently but the thought of MC always wondering if they'd still be dead if it weren't for luckily being connected by blood to someone who lived centuries ago. I've been meaning to write about that eventually, the aftermath of lesson 16 and my personal opinion of why everyone seemed to ignore what happened.

But yes, thanks for sharing! I love just talking things like this out with people!

[allterrribleideas]

Down The Rabbit A-hole

I wanna talk about the Jax discourse in a way too long post! Because...it's fun! It's been fun reading the takes on the character over the last few days, I think it's an interesting cross section of how people view and interpret fiction and for the (most) part the perspectives I've seen have been all reasonable. Do you not like the mean rabbit and want to see less of him? Understandable! He's physically and verbally abusive, there's plenty there to feel uncomfortable with. Do you like his flat out dickery? Also understandable! Some people like villains, antagonists by design tend to be proactive and agents of chaos that can make things 'interesting' by virtue of their rebellion against the status quo. I think a lot of Jax opinions fall along that spectrum of plausible interpretation. If you wanna believe in sadboy Jax who is actually a sensitive soul and all his terrible behavior is justifiable or whatever, go right ahead! If you think he's an irredeemable force of evil, also fine!

But what I really want to sink my teeth into is some truly spicy opinions that I've only seen a handful of times, that aren't even really about Jax so much as the people talking about him. I originally saw this on a post on 4chan (I know) and then I saw it AGAIN on Reddit (I KNOW) and the argument put forth seemed so deranged that in isolation I would have thought it was just trolling or your typical internet exaggerated discourse for the fun of it. But it got me thinking that actually, yeah, I have definitely known people who believe in the same rationale for terrible behavior in real life. I haven't even talked about what they said yet so I guess I better just drop it while it's hot:

Jax isn't behaving badly, and in fact, his actions are good and the people he affects are better off after enduring his abuse.

Very spicy! The first way I saw this phrased was something along the lines of 'these adventures would be boring and Jax makes everyone have more fun by behaving like he does'. The follow-up posts elaborated on idea further, promoting the idea that Jax was the LEADER, and the entire group would be nonfunctional without him. A bold prediction! It's easy for me to imagine an episode like that, actually. I hate it, I don't like the idea, but I'm sure most people can conjure up the cliches since it's a cartoon staple- the character nobody likes disappears but oh no, they were actually important for some reason, so we just need to...accept their awfulness. Gross but possible!

But that's just 4chan hyperbole, and I could just be strawmanning in the typical Tumblr way. I didn't even really think much of it until I saw this on Reddit later:

Oh. Oh no!

So that whole topic is pretty interesting in its own right, and yes I know 4chan and Reddit aren't exactly home to the most well adjusted individuals, but this idea just kept swimming around in my head. Imagine you're a horrible person. You abuse people and just make their life unpleasant, and you enjoy every moment of it. But then you go the extra mile- you say to yourself, actually, I'm doing a GOOD thing! I'm the MVP! Everyone secretly appreciates what I'm doing and understands I'm making things more exciting and fun. This is like, that guy who doesn't understand how 'banter' works and just openly insults everyone and gets huffy when people get upset. It's just a remarkable set of blinders to be wearing! It's one thing to behave poorly but then another entirely to reframe your awful behavior as beneficial.

And for the record no, I'm not trying to describe Jax this way. I'm describing the lens that a small minority of people seem to view him through. The character is largely irrelevant actually- it's more that there are viewers out there who see a character do terrible things, and are thinking 'I totally agree with treating people like garbage because it's good'. This isn't 'Jax is interesting' or 'Jax causes chaos which is fun', it's 'Jax is morally correct to do the terrible things he does'. And isn't that like, uh, kinda revealing? Like I dunno, I can understand if someone likes Darth Vadar or the Joker or whatever pop culture villain has a big fan base. Villains can be compelling and interesting. It's another though to say something like 'actually killing children is good actually'. Just a tiny bit unhinged maybe? Revealing a bit too much of your hand?

Anyway if you're in that camp, and you think that behaving poorly is excusable or (heaven forbid) beneficial in a 'boring' situation, I would encourage maybe a bit of self reflection! I've seen this excuse used for some really reprehensible behaviors, like someone showing up drunk to a work group meeting. You might not be the MVP that's making the adventure more fun for everyone! You might just be an asshole!

[luckyshotwrites]

Ch. 6 // Fool Me Twice! // Day 4

Contents (Warnings): Slight Vore mention, a wee bit more details regarding characters, slow spice burn.

Wordcount: 3,972

Side note: This will contain experimental writing, first person (Lynette's view) will be implemented alongside third person for the two other essential characters, (mostly) Alexander and (occasionally) Drake. For those third person moments all their text will be italicized and have the characters name in Bold at the start. There may be other characters I write for in the future using this method but we’ll see...

__________________________________________________

(Sept. 11th, Sunday)

Wicks was gone all night and sent me a text saying he should be back before I get out of work today. What kind of job makes him stay overnight? I asked myself out of frustration. I felt embarrassed that I slept with the lights on last night. I know if Alexander wanted to he could probably find me or kidnap me after work. I knew he didn’t because of work rules. I tried to cling to that, even though that was going on at work, it could have been worse…

I threw back the orange juice straight from the carton. 

I slammed the bottle down and held in my whimpers. Dang it, I don’t know if I can do this. It’s bad enough with that weirdo, Alexander. I glanced down at my arm and slowly moved it to my mouth. I closed my eyes and licked myself. Then I threw my arms up.

“I DON’T GET IT, I TASTE LIKE NOTHING! WHY!!!” 

I got up and started to pace around. Should I quit? Or find some kind of loophole? I tapped at my head, come on brain. I know I don’t use you much but can you use that stored energy to give me an idea of what to do before work, PLEASE!

…

I arrived seeing the two yet again. I didn’t want Alexander to say anything or tease me once I got near, so spoke first.

“Do either of you know when the rest of our second shift is coming back?”

It caught Alexander off guard. His smile dropped. 

“Lev comes back tomorrow, Zilla comes back when you are both off, Wednesday, and Claudia, I have no idea.” Drake replied. 

“Thanks Drake,” I said as I swiped my card first. “oh…I forgot you have the same days off.” I shivered saying that toward Alexander.

"I had those days off first, shortie," he said in retort. Then his head twisted back, "hold on, Lev’s coming back tomorrow!" 

Drake scanned in, "yeah.” He sighed, “I'm glad I’m not gonna be involved in that mess tomorrow..." He glanced back at me, “sorry, Lynette.”

I gave a shake of my head. “Want to switch days off?”

Drake chuckled, “no way. I like my Monday and Tuesday, I need at least one day of the week away from Alexander or I’d go crazy.” Drake was the best in my opinion even though he denied me a day of freedom.

Alexander squinted at both of us. If I could remove Alexander, it’d actually be fine here. I thought walking ahead, “have fun, guys.” I said begrudgingly.

I felt relief working on my own today. 

“Heya, Lynette.” Viola said. She was mopping the back where I stood and got close to my feet.

“Hey, Viola, nice to see yoooo-” I squeaked out. She picked me up with a single arm, mopping with the other. I was so stunned I didn’t move. She put me down after a few more seconds. I pulled down my shirt which moved up and she continued around me. 

I then looked down then back up. “You-you could have told me to move.” 

Viola peered up, “I figured it’d be easier to lift you and do it under you real quick instead of dancing around each other.” Standing so close to her, I could tell she looked a bit older than Drake, Alexander and I. Maybe in her late twenties. “You’re a lot lighter than I expected too.”

I cracked a half smile, “thanks?” She seems honest and to the point. I thought. She also hadn’t said anything off putting unlike Alexander. 

“How long have you been working here, Viola?” I tried to make conversation as there weren’t any customers yet. 

“I started a few months after it opened, around the same time Alexander joined, almost 3 years ago.”

“Oh cool,” I said. Trying to search up more conversation topics. I expected her to talk more about it or something.

“Hey, Lynette,” she said to me. “Did you already talk to Edgar?” 

I raised my brow, then straightened up, “OH shoot. I forgot-”I glanced back at her. 

She held up a hand, “don’t worry. I’ll keep watch.”

I went through the kitchen going to Drake to ask him about Edgar, but a the harmonic voice caught my attention.

“LYNETTE~” 

I turned to see him near the ovens. I hadn’t said much to him since I was hired, and I almost forgot how different he looked in our uniform. He definitely looked like some sort of manager, his hair tied back and in a bun, a perfect posture, plus seniority. He looked maybe in his late thirties. I noticed his smile flashed more as he was whipping up the pizza’s. I tried to match his smile, seeing Alexander not that far from him.

“Hey, Boss.” I gave a small wave. I looked over the few things in the kitchen, there were a lot of fridges and what I assumed was a giant freezer. Though, as far as I knew, they made everything fresh or got market ingredients. I passed Drake who was beating up dough. As I got closer, Edgar had his attention on me, yet he was perfectly saucing the pizzas.

“I wanted to give you a congratulations yesterday!” He said with enthusiasm. “Not only are you one of the first humans to stay working here that I’ve hired, but!” He had the cheese next. I noticed the sauce seemed to sizzle when he did it. I figured the pizza stones underneath them were hot. “A few friends of mine were speaking very highly of you and your service during their visit.” 

“Really?” I uttered in disbelief.

He smiled at me, “yes! So, it makes me very glad that you are sticking true to your word and if you keep it up, I might even consider doubling your end of the year offer.”

Much like before my heart thumped loudly. I almost forgot how to stand for a moment but luckily the counter was nearby. 

“After your half way evaluation, of course.” Egdar said looking up at me, he then narrowed his gaze. “You’re not going to faint are you? Your heart sounds erratic.”

I squeaked, “no.” I held my chest and nervously chuckled. “I-mmm.” I took a few extra breaths, standing up, “I’ll do my best, sir.”

His reddish hue continued to look over me, he leaned toward me. “Are you sure you’re going to be alright, dear?”

I nodded, “yeah, uh, thank you for the opportunity.” 

He bobbed his head as well, “that’s all I wanted to really say, did you have any questions for me?”

I had a lot but now that there was a chance with more money on the table. I held my tongue. “None at this time…am I allowed to go back?”

“Of course, and if you are feeling unwell. Sandra isn’t here today but Tristian should be back there.”

I left after that in a daze for the rest of the time until break. I thought of calling Wicks but I figured he’d be busy. I heard the other two come in as usual. Great…he gave me an even bigger reason to stay.

“Hey, Lynette, you like video games, right?” Drake called out.

I looked over at them, “yeah? Why?” 

He beckoned me over. Alexander glanced at me but neither of us prolonged any eye contact. As far as I was concerned, he was an obstacle.

“So, there’s this game, called Identity-”

I perked up, taking a seat and facing Drake. “OH, yeah, I played Identity 5 royal.” I held up a finger, “Though, I haven’t got through strikers yet.” I couldn’t talk Video Games with Wick as he didn’t like them much.

Drake got excited too, “it’s awesome right! I’ve been trying to get Alexander to play it.”

I then gestured to both of them, “I forgot you guys mentioned videogame stuff before. I didn’t think monsters would like them.”

He pointed to himself and Alexander, “our lives aren’t as magical as I think you assume, games are cool.”

I chuckled, “oh yeah right, you can’t tell me they're not that different when-” I glanced at Alexander.

He knew what I meant, “that's not really magical.” 

“Ha,” I gestured to him, “a normal human body isn’t like yours, so yes it is.” I realized the sass after I said it. I looked away.

Drake interrupted Alexander before he could speak, “compared to the rest of the crew, we aren’t very aren’t too different body wise, trust me.”

“So are the others full on-”

“They all have human forms that work as disguises but that’s it.” Drake explained.

“Disguises? So you both aren’t?”

“Nope. This is our natural resting appearance.” Drake smiled.

I felt a plethora of questions flood into my head. I wanted to know more and found myself overwhelmed with what to ask first. I didn’t realize at the time that to them I looked like my brain shut off completely with a dead stare. They exchanged looks, wondering what it was that caused the factory reset.

“Hey,” Alexander said and it knocked me out of thought. “Your break is over.”

I then lowered my head. “Ah, so it is.” I sighed. “I’ll see you both later.” I left back to my post, distraught.

Alexander

Alexander exhaled. He moved his hand to his empty stomach. She was right in eating range. He grumbled in his thoughts.

“It’s cool she’s a nerd too, right?” Drake asked, “or are you still thinking of her as a snack?”

Alexander snapped out of it, “there you go again making it seem like I’m the bad guy.”

“That’s not what I meant.” Drake teased. “I know you get those unstoppable cravings, I get like that when the crescent moon’s on the rise.” 

He gave a snap of his fingers, catching Alexander's attention again. “You know Lev’s coming back tomorrow, so why don’t you try getting on her goodside?”

“Get on her good side?” Alexander questioned like Drake asked him to control the weather.

“If you keep playing the game you are now, I think Lev’s going to steal her from you. But, if you’re nice, she might start offering herself up willingly.” 

Alexander got excited thinking about it, then squinted at Drake’s smile, “you’re teasing me.” The soft ping went off for both of them. They got up. “She’s not going to get along with me and I can’t get along with her.” 

“Fine, but don’t text me all pissed tomorrow because you didn’t get her.”

He crossed his arms and grumbled, “shut up.”

…

Alexander wasn’t needed on registers today, Viola and Lynette seemed to be handling them well enough. He also liked being back there as besides the amount of orders coming in and out, he could talk easier back there. So much better than being stuck next to that obnoxious scent all day and having to wait to eat her. 

Speaking of the devil, Alexander tuned to Lynette's voice calling out to Drake. “Hey, Viola’s going to be the only one there for a bit.” After she pulled back, Drake was about to relay the message to Alexander but he smugly smiled.

“I heard.”

Alexander finished up the pizzas he was making and went to lunch, Drake went not long after leaving Edgar and Tristian back there by themselves. 

Alexander checked over all the rooms, immediately. Her sweet scent was too faint, almost nonexistent. 

That brat, she lied to him. She knew I’d come looking for her. He met with Drake again in breakroom one. 

Drake glanced at his friend, “what happened?”

“She lied, but it doesn't really matter much,” Alexander grabbed the nearest table and moved it closer to the door, then the chairs along with it. 

“She’s gonna notice us.”

Alexander chuckled, “and what? She has to scan out for lunch.” He plopped down on the chair closest to the door, leaning his back on the chair confidently. Drake sat to the one beside him as Alexander would now be able to easily focus on the door. The time clock was outside it, so he didn’t think he could miss her. 

They chatted for a while, Alexander continuously watching the hall and the time. 

Alexander stared at the clock, “she has five minutes left before she’s late to lunch.” He looked excited.

“I’m so glad I’m not a human.”

Alexander’s eyes were glued to the door, “I refuse to believe she’s a simple human. I’ve never eaten anyone like her before, she’s way too satisfying.”

“But don’t you only like the taste of humans?” 

“You’ll see once you bite her” Alexander glanced over at Drake for a brief moment.

“Yeah, and get absolutely bodied by you after, no thanks.” Drake replied, drinking his blood pouch.

“You don’t take a whole lunch period drinking blood.” 

The black haired boy shook his head, “it still counts for “eating” remember. So we both can’t attack her.” Drake then raised his brow, “now that I think about it, you probably shouldn’t consider her a meal every day either, you’ll become addicted.”

Alexander chuckled, he squinted closer at the door ,“it can’t happen with me, my taste buds reset pretty much every day. I think the only reason I get so hungry with her is because my body remembers that feeling afterward, plus her smell is so alluring.” He then looked at his phone and the clock, “seriously…it’s already after, how did she not pass--” He threw himself up. He didn’t have much time either. He got to the door, her scent was in the hall, but stronger as he approached room 3. He threw open the door and searched it.

…

Lynette

I heard a lot of movement in the other room, I saw him through the glass of the door attached to room 4. I hurried across to room 2 as quietly as possible. Then, I waited for a minute or two to head into room 1. But, before I could hop over, the door flew open. I didn’t realize there was a way to make them open faster. It was probably how he got me yesterday. He was huffing and puffing, locking eyes on me. I felt like a convict who had a spotlight beaming on them. 

“HOW LONG WERE YOU ALREADY ON LUNCH!” He shouted, extremely annoyed. 

The door behind me opened. I ran into room one. I saw Drake near the exit into the hall again.

He gave a small wave to me, then gestured back as Alexander ran in too. I wanted to bolt through door one into the hall, but I knew I wouldn’t make it. I darted through some tables, nearing the couches. I heard the tables screeching as they were pushed apart behind me. 

I faced him, trying to bait him to charge so I could avoid it. He pounced forward and I tripped over myself in an attempt to move. It caused him to miss me and go over me. 

I stumbled up, but he was faster and caught my wrist. I wasn’t on my own two feet anymore. His grip tugged me closer to his hunched form. I partially faced him, now on my tippy toes. 

He brought my arm up near his mouth. 

I glanced at the clock, and shouted. “IF YOU EAT ME YOU HAVE TO PLAY IDENTITY 5!”

“What-” It stunned him. Then before he shook out of it the soft alarm rang.

He glanced over at it. I could see as he stared back at me that he realized what I did. He grit his teeth, his form going back to normal. He shut his eyes and let go of my hand causing me to fall on my butt. He didn’t say a word more as he walked away. I thought he was filled with anger. Little did I know, Drake could see Alexander was flustered and embarrassed by my trick. 

I stood up and motioned at Drake’s table, "may I?" I asked him.

He agreed and glanced back at the timer, seeing my name on their board. "3 minutes, you went to lunch not long after us huh?" 

"Yeah...” I relaxed back. “I used you as a decoy, I knew he'd be listening."

“No, I'm sorry.” He confessed about the trick Alexander used on me yesterday. He then sighed, “I’m also sorry I underestimated you." He finished his drink, "I told you when we met you’d have a 0% chance against him, you definitely proved me wrong."

I slumped in the chair, "That’s it though, at this point I can only time him out. I’m guessing he can sense me somehow, so I can’t hide from him, and he is physically stronger and faster than me.” The words pittered with defeat onto the table. “I don’t think I can win anymore.” I uttered in response, “All he has to do to counter me now is go to lunch in the middle of the bracket.” 

Drake nodded along, “I see your point. Then the others add chaos into the mix.”

I sank even further, “there’s no guarantee they’d attack me right? Wouldn’t they do what Alexander did? Get someone else hired?”

“You are a human working here, so why bring one every week when you know…” Drake then apologized, “Lev’s a human eater like Alexander and if Alexander wasn’t lying about your taste, you’re screwed.”

“I DON’T TASTE LIKE ANYTHING!” I shivered after saying that and rubbed my arms as they got goosebumps. “I’ve tried.”

“It’s different to us monsters.” Drake smirked, “do you really think he eats you just because?”

“I-I don’t know. I wouldn’t know.” I said. “You guys are the first I’ve ever met.”

Drake got up from his seat as he had a minute left, “well…” He pushed his hair back from his face, “Huh…” He scanned over me.

“What?”

He smiled, “I know Alexanders been very predatory with you, but you’re probably the only human I’ve seen him interact with besides customers for more than a few minutes.” He walked off before I could ask anything more.

How could he not interact with people? We’re everywhere…right? The thought then occurred to me. How many people around me are monsters!?

…

Viola left for the night and so did the boss, leaving Drake in charge as usually closing up for the night. I was helping clean tonight as Sunday was told to me to be the worst day. The customers weren’t that bad but the amount of people that stayed last minute and left trash was. 

I cleaned up the tables, as Alexander was taking out the trash then mopping the main floor. I finished getting the last bit of dishes in the tub, they were piled up high because I didn’t want to make it into two trips. 

I tried to hurry them to the back and I didn’t realize Alexander made the dry path I had to take narrower.

“I mopped that-'' Alexander cut himself off. He dropped the mop, catching me as I almost slipped back. The plates at the top tipped toward me so I had to hold them down with my chin. I could feel the leftover sauce and crumbs under my chin. It made me whimper and cringe, I could feel some of it slop onto my shirt. He glanced down at me, “I was right by you when I mopped, I’m surprised you didn’t notice-” His tight grip loosened, he turned away immediately and he put me back on my feet. 

“Go take them to wash.” He ordered sharply.

I was heavily embarrassed. “Sorry and thank you.” I got the stack repositioned on another table, quick, and tried to follow what I believed to be the dry path. Still disgusted as I could feel the greasy part of my shirt pressed on my chest.

Alexander

 He gripped the mop tight. His abdomen groaned loudly, fortunately Lynette was too far away to hear it. He held his head up, hand over his lips as he could feel the excess saliva building in his mouth. 

I don’t even like normal food but seeing her covered like that… Inside he was struggling to keep himself contained. It was like trying to capture a wild boar with a fishing line. A second longer and I might have done it. For the sake of his job, he couldn’t, but if I was a customer he wouldn’t have hesitated. 

He started to imagine keeping Lynette in him all night, it only made his hunger worse. He didn’t even consider the fact that having someone in him for more than eight hours upset his stomach. 

TAP                                       TAP                                        TAP

The tapping of the door knocked him out of thought. He saw the man outside and was about to point at the sign, but the low grumble called his attention. He smirked and opened the door to greet the guy. 

“Hi, sir.”

“Hey, I know you’re closing but my girl wanted me to come get your pizza for her, can you guys just make one real quick for a big tip? A small-” The guy stopped, he noticed Alexander looked a bit taller than before. Then before he could yell out or step back Alexander’s hands went over the man's mouth, keeping him from yelling, and brought his head into his mouth.

…

Lynette

Alexander peeked into the kitchen, “Leaving for the night.”

“Have a goodnight.” Drake gave a wave not looking up as he waited for the dryer.

“Night.” I said as I saw Alexander was much taller. I tensed up, glanced over at Drake. 

“I’m here right now right?” 

It dinged and he put the dishes away, “are you okay?”.

I pointed back as I scrubbed the last of the dishes. “I thought…I saw him leave…uh…bigger?.”

Drake raised a brow, “You think he ate someone? I mean, it’s not against the rules to eat customers or to eat people out of the Pizzeria, unless there’s a lot of other humans around.” He shrugged, “Besides that, coworkers can’t eat each other out of work or our “special” lunch period.” He then thought about it. “Unless both parties agree.” 

Why would anyone agree to that?! 

“That’s good to know, I’m glad I can’t get eaten in the parking lot.” 

“You can, just not by us.” Drake laughed as I passed him the wet dishes to put in the drawer. “The odds of another monster coming up and eating you are slim to none. There’s so many choices around here and not that many monsters, like I’d say a little less than half the population here would be eaten once in their lifetime, but their memories are usually erased after so they won’t remember.” 

“Seriously?”

He nodded, “yeah, so maybe someone did eat you prior and erased your memories after.” I handed him the last few dishes, he packed them then studied over me. “Alexander does talk highly of you so maybe not…”

“He talks highly of-oh-gross.” I muttered.

He went to wash his hands in the sink after I finished doing mine, “If you want, Lynette, I can put these last few dishes away, and you can go home and get some rest. This is my Friday, so I don’t care if I have to stay a while longer.” 

“You sure?” I asked. 

“Yeah,” Drake said, waving me off, “and good luck tomorrow~.”

“Right.”

My shift was ruined, I still felt greasy even though I washed it all off, and worst of all I would have to deal with the mysterious Lev tomorrow on top of Alexander. I looked at the time clock, holding up my badge. I took a deep breath before I swiped it out. Hey, brain, it’s me again, let’s have another chat tonight.

…

Thank you for reading! :D

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What I’d do for a Livable Income (Synopsis/Chapter - List)

[internetgiraffekid1673]

Screw it I had more thoughts about these losers. Spoilers ahead I guess? I have so many opinions, so this is going under a readmore.

Okay so. The thing is. I feel like they are already almost poly. Eugene and Rapunzel basically treat each other as "best friends. The bestest of friends. Who also kiss." And Cassandra and Rapunzel are very much "best friends. The bestest of friends. Who would be kissing if this was not made by Disney and poly relationships actually showed up in media."

And neither Cass nor Eugene is particularly possesive of Rapunzel. They just really like her. Any relationship problems Rapsl has with either of them is not based around "being jealous of other people she spends time with." I think, outside the context of this relationship, these guys would be perfectly happy being poly.

So. In the context of them being poly during the run of the show? Yeah it would have been better. Woulda probably made everyone a lot happier if Raps and Cass got to kiss. Like, literally the whole cast has to witness their tragic homoerotic situationship, and would probably have been happier if they just kissed.

BUT! My point from the tags still stands. Eugene and Cassandra HATE each other. Like. They DESPISE each other. The ONLY reason they tolerate the other person's presence in the same room is because Rapunzel likes both of them. They try do that thing that a lot of kids shows with love triangles will do where the two bickering characters will promise to make nice in front of the character they both like to assure their mutual love interest's happiness. And Eugene and Cass MISERABLY FAIL. They have multiple episodes where either the main conflict or the entire B plot is the direct cause of them fighting.

And both of these characters are very bold and confrontational. They would absolutely fistfight each other on sight if they didn't know it would make Rapunzel sad.

If Cass had not left to be an angsty solo lesbian by the time the show ended, SOMETHING would have imploded. I get the feeling that those two were down to casually snipe at and insult each other and barely restrain themselves from fistfighting, but Rapunzel wouldn't be down with it and probably would have tried to put them through some friendship bonding exercise to get them to see each other how she sees them. And then they woulda murdered each other or unleashed an evil god. Not sure which.

Like. Eugene and Cass hate each other, but it's a healthy, mutual hatred that they are perfectly fine keeping at the level it is without escalating it. And Raps loves both of them. But she would not be able to tolerate the two people she loves not loving each other.

(Not to say that Cass and Eugene don't love each other. They just also have a fun dynamic going on where they would save the other's life from any dangerous situation without question, but only after they let the other person get knocked around a bit. And they'd complain the whole time, make fun of the other forever, and say they were owed about a million favors. It's like. . .quasi-sibling coded? Like. They don't feel like siblings to me. They feel like love rivals. But that specific part of their dynamic is very sibling-esque. But of course Rapunzel doesn't really understand that loving someone does not equate to liking them or being nice to them, so she would try to upset the delicate balance).

Anyway. My other point from the tags is that even if they were poly, it would not have changed the events of the series. Cassandra and Rapunzel are already basically girlfriends. You could change like 10 lines of dialogue and add some kissing scenes, and they'd be there. Them being in a canonical relationship would change SO LITTLE about how they behave and feel that I think the finale would have gone exactly the same.

Cass would have still run off on her angsty lesbian solo redemption quest or whatever, but instead of being:

"It's not you it's me. I will carry happy memories of our friendship, but I currently carry too much trauma to make this work. I need to go off on my own to heal and get in a healthier headspace before we can repair what I broke."

It would have been:

"It's not you it's me. I will carry happy memories of being your girlfriend, but I currently carry too much trauma to make this work. I need to go off on my own to heal and get in a healthier headspace before we can repair what I broke."

That's it! That's all that would have changed!

So. Would polyamory have saved them? No. The plot Does Not Change. Would it have made them happier? Yes. Now Cass and Raps get to kiss. Hooray! Would it have made a helluva lot more sense than whatever is happening in canon and overall made the story better? Hands down! Get on that Disney.

I also maintain that a good poly relationship for these three shakes out to be Eugene x Rapunzel coexisting with Cassandra x Rapunzel with absolutely no Cassandra x Eugene to be found, even as a platonic pals situation. But I'm not here to police your headcanons, just scream my own. Do what you want, it's fiction, have fun, maybe polyamory would have saved the versions of these characters that live in your heads, etc., etc.

RAPUNZEL, EUGENE FITZHERBERT, and CASSANDRA from TANGLED

No Justification Submitted - Anonymous

[expiredwaffles]

Five More Minutes

“Five more minutes,” I convinced myself. 

With the flick of a finger, the video that had taken my screen captive was swiped away and I was engorged by the next amazing and profound thing that Instagram had to offer. What was it going to be this time? A group of friends the same age as me living their best lives and posting it onto the Internet for all to adore? Or perhaps, a clip of an influencer flaunting her stunning beach house– that none of us regular mortals could ever dream to afford, or her super rich, steaming hot boyfriend, or an array of her gazillion flashy supercars, or–

I stared at my screen and it stared back at me– the blue light emitted onto my face, accentuating the creases and lines etched under my haggard, weary eyes. The electronic clock blinked in bold, red numbers, ‘02:36 AM’ on my bedside table. 

Part of me wished to take part in this repetitive cycle. Swipe, like, maybe if I’m prompted to open the comment section I’ll leave a few words– voice my utterly irrelevant and unsolicited opinion to thousands upon thousands of people who’ll gloss over my comment that I might’ve spent twenty tedious minutes on, again– swipe, like, oh hey this one was slightly funny! let me send it to my friends just so they can open my messages when daylight comes around and leave me on that agonising ‘Seen’, but I don’t care– I’ll do it anyway! Again, and again, and again. Swipe, like, swipe, like. 

A voice whispered in my ear, its tone laced with a veil of threat, What’ll happen once you click off Instagram? You’ll be bored out of your mind, and even worse, you’ll be severed from the stream of constant information being fed to you; you’ll be out of the loop. You need to know what’s going on in everyone’s lives, at every second, even people you don’t know!

The other part of me swarmed with the guilt that came with choosing immediate pleasure by partaking in the consumption of this condensed form of media rather than rationality and awareness of the present state I was in. Being completely consumed by these little bites of videos– videos that never even last more than sixty seconds!

This tempestuous loop from hell was no stranger to me. The night waned by, and the passage of time pressed onwards. I looked at the clock.

“Five more minutes,” I deceived myself with the all too familiar words.

The clock, with it’s increasingly refined attacks to my guilty conscience, screamed at me in its big, bold, red numbers, ‘03:49 AM.’ Yeah, I thought to myself, thanks, that really helps. 

Seconds, minutes, hours went by. 56, 57, 58, 59… The constant counting of seconds on the clock jabbed at me in the face and threw constant hooks to my stomach. 3:50 AM quickly morphed into 4:20 AM, which mutated into a nauseating 4:40 AM.

The room around me blurred and mashed together, forming a grey background in contrast to the rectangular modern piece of technology I gripped onto. The only thing in my line of sight was my screen, still emitting the same blue light that it had been emanating for hours. I sank deeper and deeper into the mattress of my bed, it enveloped me, wrapped around my body as if it was hugging me and not letting me go– more comparable to a prison cell than a hug. Trapped in this hazardous stalemate, this warfare with myself– and I was at the losing end. 

Scroll, scroll, scroll. Like, like, like. Scroll, like, scroll, like, scro– Beep! Beep! Beep!

The smog in my brain begins to dissipate, and the key unlocks the door to my cell. It’s 6 AM in the morning; I have a full day ahead of me and not a second to waste.

Time to wake up.

[the-fruit-tea-devil]

Someone tried to cancel me on me on Tumblr 

When I found out about it, I was extremely upset. Like I was about to deleted Tumblr and shit. I was already going through shit but that elevated it from 5 to 10. I was so upset my head hurt and I wanted to throw up. I stayed up late and my uncle told me to go to bed but I didn’t cuz I was too upset and involved in this shit. When my dad called me and told me he wanted me to come back to America, I was so fucking upset at losing this opportunity to stay in Taiwan and be independent. I was so involved in every single thing someone has to say about me. It made me feel so anxious and ashamed that something like that would break me and fuck me up. I even contemplated on wanting to die. They wanted to cancel me from my “safe space” the place I go to escape politics, which is what my other blog @nonpoliticalchinamatsu (aka Taiwanmatsu) is for.

You can just search the name of it I don’t have screenshots because I don’t want to even think about it or remember it.

But yeah, they tried to cancel me because I stole some posts from people that blocked me (and sadly I really liked their content a lot) and because of my political opinions.

Now they probably won’t see this at alll because they have me blocked but anyways, I am genuinely sorry that I rewrote your posts and I already deleted that

(Particularly one from a specific Osomatsu-San blogger who’s username begins with a V; let’s call them V)

And another user told me not to steal V’s posts and they thought I was blocked because I did but it was because of my opinions. And then this person blocked me.

I am genuinely sorry about copying the posts. (I was a minor back then) but I’m not sorry for my opinions because I never said anything that any normal human being would deem bigoted. (Then again, bold of me to assume youre a normal human being with a brain) I bet you can’t name anything I did that was actually bigoted.

I told them via alt account that I’m sorry that I stole V’s post and if there is anything I can do (on my main account) but then they just told me to stop having my opinions and refused to reach out and reason and explain to me for some stupid reason. This person’s name is chorotchi, some punk ass bitch who thought blocking me and talking shit behind my back was a better option that’s going into my DMs and asking me to delete the posts (which again, I already deleted) like a mature adult. But what do you expect? Typical cancel culture loving, petty, braindead Tumblrinas. If you’re gonna be a bitch, then I’ll be a bitch back.

They act as if thinking xenogenders are a joke is the same thing as waving a Nazi flag screaming “kill the tr*nnies!” 

No I’m not a transphobe. I support trans rights and I think gender dysphoria is real and valid and if they wanna transition to their desires gender, I’m not gonna shit on them and tell a trans woman “yOU’rE sTiLL a hE”. I’m not ashamed of my opinions. 

But I’m sorry your brain isn’t big enough to grasp the concept of different perspectives or politics. I’m sorry your IQ is so so low.

Oh and this 👇

This is not bigotry. These are normal beliefs.

Can you tell me what’s wrong with these beliefs? No you can’t. And “you’re a poopy face bigot” or anything along that line isn’t a valid answer, babe 💅 If you think that’s “bigoted” you need to see a doctor because your brain clearly isn’t working. I refuse to apologize for these beliefs. I refuse to apologize for having common sense  I never attacked anyone, I never harassed anyone, I never posted BLmatsu (shipping the Osomatsu san brothers with each other) 

These same people would still call me problematic for saying Karamatsu isn’t secretly a xe/xem big booty trans man, no? And if you wanna headcanon Karamatsu as a xe/xem big booty trans man, go the fuck ahead. Hell I don’t even care if you redraw the Osomatsu San characters as black even though they are clearly headcanoned to be Japanese. 

It’s your own little universe, you can do what you want. These are fictional characters. You can make them gay or whatever if you want, I’m not gonna rain on your parade, this is fandom stuff. We can have fun. 

I would never ever bring any of my politics in this because I’m not an insufferable cunt. (Well, at least not as insufferable as the ones that do.) THAT IS WHY I HAVE TWO SEPARATE BLOGS!

 KEEP 👏FANDOM 👏 OUT 👏 OF POLITICS! (Not counting LGBT but just fucking politics and purposeful divisiveness) 

These bloodthirsty culture vultures need to stop. It’s not about justice. Y’all are basically those group of mean girls saying “you can’t sit with us”!

Edit: I might delete this account soon and I wanna save some stuff from my other blog but I have like over 100 posts so imma have to figure that out :/

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 308: VIBE: CHECKED

Previously on BnHA: Lots and lots of Shindou idk what else to tell you.

Today on BnHA: Tired Nomad Deku rescues Shindou from Muscular, and us from Shindou. Muscular is all “OH BOY I SURE CAN’T WAIT TO FIGHT DEKU AGAIN AFTER HE TOTALLY KICKED MY ASS THE LAST TIME!! I’M SURE THIS TIME WILL GO DIFFERENTLY SEEING AS HE’S HAD ALMOST AN ENTIRE YEAR’S WORTH OF ADDITIONAL TRAINING, AND ALSO HAS SIX FOURQUIRKS NOW, IN ADDITION TO THE CONFIDENCE THAT COMES WITH HAVING EIGHT OTHER PEOPLE’S SOULS CHILLING OUT INSIDE HIM OFFERING MORAL SUPPORT AND ENCOURAGEMENT.” Deku is all, “[kicks Muscular’s ass effortlessly].” Muscular is all, “[gets his ass totally kicked].” I for one am very satisfied with this, and with respect to all, I would like to hereby declare this post a discourse-free zone. I’m just happy to see my son out here making good use of his FOURQUIRKS, and more importantly beating Muscular in less than seventeen pages so we can all go on with our lives lol.

damn Deku since when were you allowed to look this cool

from this perspective and with the smoke, cape, backpack, and mask more or less obscuring his actual profile, he looks less like a sixteen-year-old boy and more like a grownass man

OH SNAP

we got a glimpse of this in the cleaned-up scan of 307, but seeing both of his eyes looking so distinctively All Might-esque here is... whoa. I mean we know that his face still looks pretty normal underneath the mask and he doesn’t actually have the black sclera, but still, this is an awesome look. mini-Might

lol Muscular

you and me both. I mean no offense, but yeah

so Deku is just standing there silently

typical Deku. tight-lipped and expressionless. mum’s the word. quiet as a mouse. silent as a grave

okay no but seriously this is so weird and creepy though you guys. Deku please say something or else I’m just gonna mindlessly say whatever stupid things come into my head in an effort to make things less awkward

so Muscular is all “I should probably make a cool speech about revenge but Horikoshi couldn’t think of anything good so I’m just going to stand here clenching my fist real slowly”

“I’m not here to go on a monologue” he says, as he monologues about not monologuing

okay you guys I confess I have only read through/watched the Deku VS Muscular fight once because the arm-breaking is just way too uncomfortable for me to revisit. and so as a result, I have completely forgotten Whatever The Deal Is with Muscular’s eye lmao so let me go look it up real quick

okay so it’s a prosthetic, obviously, and he changes it out according to his mood. that part does sound familiar. I just can’t remember which eye is supposed to indicate which mood. don’t tell me I actually have to go back and reread this shit

lol I’m skimming through chapter 75 now and remembering/realizing that I hardly paid any attention to this the first time around because as soon as I found out the villains were after Kacchan my brain was like “TIME TO FOCUS ON THIS AND ONLY THIS NOW AND FOREVER” and yeah. ah memories

anyway so he started out with the flower-looking eye, and then later on he was all

which begs the question, how on earth could I have ever forgotten the most ridiculous panel I’ve ever read lmao

anyway, but so after all of that, I'm only just now realizing that this isn't one of his previous eye prosthetics in the current chapter; this is an ACTUAL FUCKING ROCK that he's just randomly shoved into his eye socket fkdsjlk

so basically (1) I did all of that painstaking research for nothing, five whole minutes of my life wasted THANKS A LOT, and (2) what, and I have never meant this more emphatically, THE FUCK

anyway so now he's leaping at the building that Deku is standing on top of. but he’s not aiming anywhere near Deku though, wtf

(ETA: HAHA YOU BROKE ALL YOUR MUSCLES YOU LOSER.)

...huh

lmao okay then. I hope those annoying citizens in the building next door are watching this go down and rethinking their life choices

dlkdkljk

just keep standing there pressed right up against the window, why don’t you. “WHAT’S GOING ON THIS SUPER CLOSE COLLAPSING BUILDING IS BLOCKING OUR VIEW.” well, folks, we’ve long since known there’s a critical shortage of hero and villain brain cells, but what we’re learning now is that civilian brain cells are also in short supply

OH THANK GOD DEKU IS FINALLY TALKING THAT WAS ACTUALLY UNSETTLING AS FUCK

SO HE’S STILL OUR GOOD, POLITE, WORRIED, CONSIDERATE DEKU UNDERNEATH THAT COOL AND MYSTERIOUS VENEER. for real, thank fuck, because I swear to god if he suddenly started acting like the Dekus in all of the vigilante AUs my interest in this series would have dropped something like 50% lol. just because he dropped out of school and ran away from home and is currently dressed like the physical manifestation of a Linkin Park playlist doesn’t mean he’s not still the WORLD’S BIGGEST DORK okay

I MEAN, THIS RIGHT HERE. THIS IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT. HE’S APOLOGIZING FOR THE DELAY

PLEASE FIND THE ATTACHED SHINDOU YOU REQUESTED. BEST REGARDS!!!

OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SUCH A BADASS

something about making bold, confident statements while obscured in smoke?? idk but damn it fucking works

ffjkkl

more importantly, should you tell him you actually need your copy of Shindou in excel format and not pdf?? on the one hand you don’t want to sound ungrateful, but on the other hand what are you even supposed to do with this

this chapter so far consists of like 50% smoke, but on the other hand Deku VS Kacchan 2 had a lot of cinematic smoke too so who am I to complain

OMG IS IT HIS ARMS

IDK DID YOU?! TELL ME YOUR SECRETS. PLEASE, AT SOME POINT THIS FIGHT HAS GOT TO ACTUALLY ADVANCE THE PLOT

OHHHHHHH

IT’S EN’S QUIRK!! OH MY GOD OKAY THAT’S ACTUALLY AWESOME

I CAN HEAR THE SOUND OF DISCOURSE RUMBLING IN THE BACKGROUND BUT I DON’T CARE LOL. WON’T CATCH ME EVER SAYING NO TO ANOTHER SIXQUIRK. GO AHEAD, BRING THEM ON, I WANT TO SEE THEM ALL but take it easy though Deku. don’t want to give yourself lung cancer or anything

also it’s good to see that in a very real sense he’s not fighting alone. the Vestiges really did mean it when they said they could appear more easily now. this is on a whole other level

so is this whole next page still En talking, or someone else? because whoever it is sure is chatty

okay, several things

pretty sure it is En, because he keeps saying “I suppose.” for someone who never said two words until one page ago, this guy sure never shuts up. we can’t all follow Muscular’s lead I suppose. oh my god now I’m doing it too

really like the suggestion of Deku using the SIXQUIRKS like tools in an arsenal, because that’s what he’s good at! it’s almost like he’s been training for this his entire life. “you value quirks too much” LOOK HE JUST THINKS THEY’RE COOL OKAY IS THAT A CRIME

where the fuck did all this rope come from

not gonna ask what the fuck that thing is sticking out from the back of his utility belt. Horikoshi will surely explain this

is that a fucking jetpack. I’m sorry Deku were six fucking quirks not enough for you. you can fucking float??? but JUST TO BE SAFE, LET’S STRAP A PAIR OF ROCKETS TO OUR SHOULDERS IDK

-- or wait, is this all supposed to be like a visual representation of En’s metaphor?? OH MY GOD AM I JUST STUPID LOL, DON’T ANSWER THAT. NEVER MIND. NEW LIST!!

rope = blackwhip

jetpack = float

radio = danger sense

and so I’m guessing that this ridiculously phallic thing is supposed to be a flare or something?? and that = the new quirk, smokescreen. well that was a fucking ride lmao we now return you to our regularly scheduled chapter

so now Deku is floating to his heart’s content and thinking that he’ll just sneak up on Muscular and vibe check his ass or whatever

WOOOOOOOO DANGER SENSE YESSSS I LOVE THIS FOR HIM

okay guys, I'm gonna press pause here for a sec to make a serious note, because I am loving the shit out of this, but tbh I'm having trouble enjoying it as much as I want to because I keep getting anxious thinking about the discourse. I know that a lot of the fandom has very strong opinions on Deku's character development one way or the other, and I want to respect that. but I also really have no spoons to debate this topic at all beyond what I’ve already weighed in on. so if it’s all the same to everyone, I plan on staying out of this discussion, at least this week

anyway! that said, YEAH BOI GET HIS ASS

VIBE: CHECKED. CURB: STOMPED. HOTEL: TRIVAGO

-- OF COURSE HE’S STILL FUCKING FINE LOL HE CRASHES INTO BUILDINGS FOR FUN IDK WHAT I WAS EXPECTING

dammit Muscular. how many fucking quirks does it take to beat you?! the annoying thing is that even with all of his cool new powers, Deku is still something of a mismatch against him. anyway r.i.p. to all these poor buildings

OOOOOHHHHH

you guys have no idea how intrigued I am at the prospect of watching Deku try to play both good cop and bad cop here lmao

anyway so Muscular says he doesn’t know, go figure

“I’m not here to make small talk or anything” he says as he small talks about not small talking

OH MY GOD DEKU

are you really gonna talk no jutsu all of these villains from now on?? that last battle really did have a profound impact on you, huh! interesting

you guys he’s really doing it omg

Deku this guy tried to murder a five-year-old literally just for fun. I mean more power to you, but holy shit you’re really gonna try to defeat Muscular with anger management therapy huh

I MEAN

WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THAT RESPONSE COMING dlkjslkjk

FUCK’S SAKE DEKU, I KNOW YOU MEAN WELL BUT THEY CAN’T ALL HAVE TRAGIC PASTS KIDDO

but. I have to admit, I do still like that he tried. probably knew just as well as we did what the end result was going to be, but still. he made the effort in good faith and I respect that

uh oh

why do I get the feeling Muscular just got a whole lot deader

oh my god oh my god he’s doing the “powering up” stance ffff don’t fucking tell me you can still use your fucking arms here, Deku

BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY WHAT’S THIS??

okay so basically he’s saying that whatever it was he sensed in Tomura, he doesn’t sense from Muscular. which, yeah, that sounds exactly right. good judge of character here lol

AHHHHAHAHA YESS

WHOOPS, GET FUCKED I GUESS

WOOOOHOOOOOOOO

lmao so apparently this is the belated result of Shindou’s attack from chapter 307?? I’ll be damned. good for you Shindou!! I always liked you buddy. please just take my word on that and don’t fact check that statement

okay lol the one tiny bit of discourse I will allow is that it’s bullshit that he just did that with his right arm. like, I’ll fully acknowledge that. that makes no fucking sense, and I demand an explanation from the Great Plot Hole Filler himself. he’s never let us down before when it comes to continuity so I’m trusting him not to suddenly start now

that said, we love to see a rematch against a boring guy settled quickly and decisively within the span of a single chapter. THANK YOU

I like that Deku implies that his power is being a smart nerd who battles villains using the power of ANALYTICS. he basically didn’t do anything except restrain Muscular and wait for Shindou’s attack to take effect while halfheartedly checking to see if he regretted any of that murder and stuff

(ETA: and almost forgot to mention, he made excellent use of all four of his active SIXQUIRKS. it’s like the chapter title said; this is basically him fighting all-out, and it’s a sight to see.)

also, as cool as the mask was, this just feels right. like, we had our fun, now let us see his face, yes good

anyway, I think this was a good start towards establishing What’s Up With Deku Right Now! so if it’s all the same to Horikoshi, I would next like to take some time to explore Why’s Up With Deku. that, and What’s Up With Everyone Else, Especially Kacchan. por favor

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

hi I’m here to review the Clementine comic. it’s not good.

Does this even need an introduction? You know why I’ve gathered you all here today. You know the comic exists, and you probably know that it’s not great and we’re all upset about it. 

Myself included. I am not okay. At all. 

Skybound could’ve literally spit in my face and I’d come out feeling better than I did reading this comic, because this comic is an insult to the original Telltale games and Clementine as a character. 

This comic is a fancy fanfic. Glorified fanfiction. It’s not canon, and Skybound and Tillie can pretend that it is, but it’s not. Bold of them to assume we’d just accept this from people who didn’t work on the original games and never wrote for Clementine before, and based on this comic alone, any chance of us taking it seriously is gone. 

I’m gonna go through every single page, every panel, of this comic and give you my review. So I guess if you’re worried about spoilers [though at this point why would you?] then be warned, spoilers for the entire comic ahead. 

I also wanna add that I have nothing against Tillie Walden. I know a lot of dingdongs are harassing her on insta over this comic and that’s not okay. You telling her how much you hate her isn’t going to change anything. If anything, you keep being assholes to her and she’s just gonna block everything out, even things simply critiquing her work in hopes that it helps her improve. 

You’re allowed to be upset about the comic and share your feelings about it, but don’t take it out on the actual human being like that. Besides, like I’ve said before, if Tillie wasn’t gonna make the comic, Skybound would’ve found someone else to do. This was coming no matter what because Skybound wants that coin. 

That being said, I’m not going to hold back my opinions on this comic. Skybound and Tillie made this comic, they put it out there and asked for money for it, therefore I’m allowed to explain why it’s garbage as well as ponder over the questionable intent and whether or not Tillie actually has played these games. Y’know, it’s like how I have nothing against Kent, but sometimes he says things I disagree with and well, y’know how it goes. 

Alright, this is gonna be long, so let’s go--

The first few shots we get are of the school, two people sleeping, and Clementine’s empty bed. Nothing super note-worthy, we have no idea who is sleeping in the beds, it’s just there to establish that it’s early and everyone’s still asleep. 

The drawing of the school looks fine? Not super accurate, but I can give it a pass since it’s a few years later, I assume. What I can’t give a pass is how you managed to already mess up on the first page of your comic. 

Because..... why are you implying that Clementine’s room is upstairs? First of all, seems kinda dumb to put Clem, who has only one leg and has to walk with crutches, upstairs. Also, if you’ve played TFS and paid any attention to where her room is actually located [the dorms] then you’d know there isn’t any stairs leading to their floor. It’s the side building next to the admin building, you walk through the door, go down the hall, take a left and their dorm is right there sooo..... 

Oh right, it’s probably done this way so that we can have such a suspenseful moment where Clementine is sneaking out while the others are asleep and her foot makes a creeeeeeakk that could wake everyone up, thwarting her plans of abandoning everyone quietly so she doesn’t have to deal with any consequences. 

Because yeah, Clementine is sneaking out with all of her supplies because apparently, she’s been planning an escape from this place for a while. 

And just look at how gosh darn happy she is about it. You can’t see or hear me, but know that I’m laughing. Don’t worry, I will talk about her abandoning everyone later.

But first, I have a gripe with Clementine's design in this comic. It doesn’t look like her. This art of her right here is the most accurate we get throughout all 12 pages, and it’s the best looking, too. 

Moving on, she slams the door shut while this walker changes faces and hair between panels, so that’s cool. I will say, I like the idea of the Ericson crew putting spikes on the door. That’s fun. 

Though Clementine slamming the door shut while trying to sneak out seems counter productive but it fits with the theme this comic has of inconsistency, so it works. 

Next we have Clementine going to what I believe is the fishing shack by the river, and she’s going through some things that she’s stashed away, telling us that she’s been planning this escape for a while. 

Oh good, she has a map. Well at least now she won’t get lost out there in the woods while she makes her escape... also that last panel with her profile.... why does it look so funny? Like this page of the comic doesn’t look too bad, but there is something off putting about her eye there and how she has zero expression. 

And it turns out that rustle was a walker, and Clementine is super inconvenienced by this and gives us our first piece of witty dialogue.

Yeah you dumb walker, can’t you see Clementine is busy running away from home and abandoning all of her loved ones without a single goodbye so she doesn’t have to witness the consequences of her selfish actions?? Gosh, so rude.

Just a heads up, the dialogue in this comic is stilted, emotionless, and bland. The words have no flow, no charm, and never feel like they should be coming out of Clementine’s mouth. Then again, the upcoming graphic novels this is tied to are for young adult/middle graders so I guess we have to dumb everything down so their baby brains can process it. 

.....Why does her face look like that? Also, interesting that she decided to move her ponytail to the other side of her head.... which is a thing that happens throughout this comic, her hair will randomly change sides. 

I believe it’s a metaphor for her changing and inconsistent personality. 

So yeah, Clementine is just making off with the supplies she gathered [I’m sure Ericson doesn’t need ‘em anyway] and she’s just so gosh darn annoyed at all these small inconveniences bothering her.... because it’s just too early for this. 

.....Again, why does her face look like that?

I’m sorry, like I get it, Tillie’s style is supposed to be purposely messy yet minimal but it doesn’t work. When you do a comic in a more messy style, usually it has charm and heart put into it. Effort goes into the messy look, and when things are minimal, that usually means more clean, yeah? So you put them together and just..... that is nothing resembling Clementine’s face. 

Can we just--

Look at canon Clementine’s face. Look at the way her eyebrows are shapes, how wide her eyes are with her eye lashes. The dirt on her skin, the lines-- there is so much personality in her features. It doesn’t matter if she’s wearing a neutral expression or she’s expressing anger or joy or sorrow or whatever. 

Now, is it fair to compare a model of Clem from the games to the Clem in this comic? Well, I assume that if Tillie is doing this comic, she would use references from the game to ensure that Clementine is recognizable, especially now that she’s no longer wearing her signature hat. 

So why does she look like this? Why do I look at these drawings of her face and see nothing but a pair of eyes, a nose, and a mouth? You might as well draw me a simple smiley face. And I get that it’s a comic, and it’s a lot of work to draw the same character over and over again and you gotta cut corners somewhere, but maybe put some effort into the close up shots of her face so that we can actually see it’s her? 

Other fan artists have made comics in their styles that shine bright with Clementine’s personality, so what happened here? 

Anyway, surprise..... it’s not a walker annoying Clementine. 

........Why does AJ look like that??? I’m sorry, I hate to do the same thing I just did but--

Just because you put Clementine’s hat on AJ that doesn’t automatically make it him. I just.... wow. This feels like there wasn’t a single reference involved, like if someone gave Tillie a basic description of AJ and she just did this. 

But appearances aside, what is AJ saying? He says that he knew it, that Clementine’s leaving and I cannot stand this dialogue. It’s unnatural. Again, I know you wanna dumb it down for all of us because I guess we dumb.... but this conversation does not feel natural. 

“I knew it. You’re leaving.” “AJ....” “I’m coming.”

Even if you changed it to, “I’m coming with you.” it would sound more natural. Hell, he doesn’t even question WHY she’s leaving, he just stands there like “I’m coming” like??? I’m sorry, have you ever heard a single word this murder baby has said? I assume you have because I assume you actually played TFS, right? Soooo.... what happened here?

.....whY DO THEIR FACES LOOK LIEK THAT KSAJDLKJAS:LKDJLKASJD:L--

So now we’re getting into it.... into the bullshit. 

Clementine tells AJ to go back to the school, and AJ says that she wasn’t even going to say goodbye..... and then more bad dialogue that sound unnatural when you try to fucking read it. 

First off.... AJ’s reaction to Clementine attempting to leave is barely anything. Again, I hate to keep questioning if you actually played TFS, but AJ would throw a fucking fit if he caught Clementine out here ALONE like this, attempting to leave. 

And then he says “Like last time? You were going to come back?” this sentence makes my brain hurt. I just.... “Like last time, right? You’re coming back?” UGH

Wow, I feel nothing. 

I’m sitting here watching these two imposters with fucked up faces who are supposed to be Clementine and AJ and I feel nothing. 

I’m not even going to comment on the faces anymore. You can see it. You know. 

So yeah... AJ tells her the #1 rule, and reminds her that she promised.

Y’know.... she promised that she would never leave him again? Remember? At the McCarroll ranch? That flashback that was in TFS? The one you would watch if you played the game? 

Why is she looking straight at me when she should be looking at AJ as she says this? Is this Clementine’s way of telling me she’s sorry for what a shitty direction this is taking? I wouldn’t know because her face isn’t doing anything. Just because you draw a couple of tears that doesn’t mean I’m feeling the emotional heartbreak you’re attempting to convey. 

I don’t have enough middle fingers for this.

Well, my hat’s off to you. Ya did it. Ya fucked up everything single part of Clementine’s character in the span of two pages, I’m almost impressed. 

First off, the baby thing is weird. Why is she calling him that? She’s never called him that, which you should know.

Second, she’s not happy and that’s why she’s leaving. Clementine isn’t happy, and AJ can’t make her happy. Ericson can’t make her happy. So she’s going to go out on the road to.... what, be unhappy by herself? 

I’m sorry, but apparently we need a few reminders here of who Clementine is, because this isn’t her. 

This is Clementine. 

Clementine fought for years to find a home, something she hasn’t had since she was an eight-year-old girl before the apocalypse. The motor-inn wasn’t a home, the cabin wasn’t home, the ski-lodge, Howe’s, Wellington, Richmond, Prescott, none of them were home. 

She struggled for years, dealing with trauma after trauma while out on the road. She went from group to group, watching people she cared about die and she was powerless to do anything about it. Whenever she let her guard down and become comfortable, it bit in her in the ass and left her heartbroken.

She was there when AJ was born. She grew close to Rebecca while she was pregnant, she let herself do that even after everything she went through with Christa. Clementine had a bond with AJ even before he was born, and after Rebecca died, she did what she could to keep him safe, despite play choice. 

She cried when she thought AJ died and when she found him in that car again. She swore to protect him, to raise him right and love him. All they had was each other. 

And when she joined the new frontier and AJ got sick, she risked everything to save him and she was devastated when they took him away from her. When she found out he was alive, she is willing to go as far as helping Lingard overdose [INJECTING HIM HERSELF IF SHE HAS TO] to figure out his location. She did shitty things to find him, she killed people at McCarroll Ranch to find him again. 

Clementine raised him and he is her family, do you understand that? She went to hell and back for him, she taught him how to protect himself, and even though she made mistakes she sacrificed everything for him. She promised him that they would have a home of their own one day, she talked about how much she wished for a world where she didn’t have to worry about fighting and killing and AJ could just be a happy kid. 

She fought for Ericson, she watched her friends die or become mutilated by someone from her past. She allowed herself to be vulnerable enough to pursue a romantic relationship with Louis or Violet because she felt safe with them, felt safe at Ericson because it’s their home now. 

And when Clementine was bit, she thought she was going to die but she still fought to make sure AJ would be safe and happy without her and it was heartbreaking. She’s dying and the only thing she cares about is AJ. Not herself, not what’s going to happen to her after she dies or turns... no, she tries to make AJ smile again, she makes sure he remembers the rules, and she tells him that she loves him. 

Then he cuts off her leg, and she survives. AJ saved her fucking life, and she got to wake up at home and live to see her family again. She got to push AJ on a tire swing, she got to eat a hot meal and laugh with her friends, she got to make plans with her lover/best friend for what’s next for Ericson, and she got to talk to AJ and tell him the truth... and she asked him if she did a good job, and he’s honest with her right back. 

Hell, she tells him to keep her hat. Her iconic hat. The one thing she has left of her father, possibly her more cherished item. She lets him keep it. 

The last time we see Clementine, she’s happy. She’s sitting on the steps by herself, staring at her family with such fondness in her eyes and a smile on her face because she finally did it. She finally found a home where she can breathe. She has a bed to sleep in, she has AJ with her, she has a boyfriend/girlfriend who loves her and who she loves back, she has friends she can rely on. 

Clementine smiles, and lets out a small laugh. 

She doesn’t have to run anymore. 

And now you have the balls to tell me that AJ and Ericson don’t make Clementine happy anymore. 

She abandons everything to go back out on the road again, and that’s proof enough for me that you don’t understand a damn thing about Clementine or her journey. 

“ I don't even know the person I'm talking about... It's like all we have in common is the same name.” 

....Anyway.

Wow, Clementine found a car and kept is stashed. How lazy and convenient for this bullshit plot. 

And this is the part where I have to tell this comic to fuck off. 

What, you think if you throw in an incredibly inaccurate flashback next to a current pair of hugging Clem and AJ that I’ll feel anything but anger? That flashback is a slap to the face. It’s snowing, but the only time we’ve seen snow is in S2 when AJ was a literal new born, so why is he that big? Is that supposed to be from ANF because that ALSO doesn’t look like that AJ, and that’s not the outfit Clementine had on... AND there was no snow. This is cheap and meaningless. 

Any fan of the series who has played through the games could tell you this. 

So.... AJ runs into the woods and then we get this garbage.

This comic is awful. It misses the point of everything TFS, and the rest of the series, stood for. There is no heart here. I feel no happiness in reading it, and I don’t detect any passion behind it. It’s a lifeless comic that retcons everything in order to throw AJ away and start fresh with a new adventure for Clementine that makes no sense because the cow isn’t profitable unless it’s milked. 

This isn’t canon, and it won’t ever be canon, and honestly? At this point, I have no faith in the graphic novel trilogy. It will take a lot to do a turn around from this, and I don’t even know if that’s possible. 

Again, to reiterate, I don’t have anything personal against Tillie Walden herself. She’s just doing her job, and from what I’ve seen of her as a person, she seems like a sweetheart. I don’t want anyone giving her shit because I think the comic isn’t good or that you agree with me. All of my anger is directed at the comic itself, her work, not specifically her.... and a little bit at Skybound, because they’re the reason this is even a thing in the first place. 

So yeah.... there ya have it. 

[petersasteria]

hope ur ok || holland!reader

sour masterlist || holland!reader || sour taglist

3,637 words tw: sad shit bc spoiler: someone dies, italics are flashbacks, bold is a letter i don't have a holland reader banner so i used the olivia banner instead. also, sorry for the delay of posting this lmao

* * * *

You were in your room, sitting on your bed as your eyes looked around. Your room was painted your favorite color and it made your brothers jealous because their rooms were painted white, it was boring. Yours had posters, polaroids of you and your siblings, fairy lights, a bean bag chair, and a simple full body mirror. You heard a knock on your door and you looked to see that it was Tom smiling brightly with a plate of your favorite cookies.

“Hey.” He said softly as he entered the room and shut the door behind him with his foot while balancing the plate of cookies in his hands.

“Hi.” You smiled.

“Sam kicked me out of the kitchen, but I was there first and fortunately, I finished the cookies on time. I hope they taste alright.” Tom said as he sat beside you, the plate of cookies in between you.

“They smell good, so you did a good job.” You chuckled. Tom took one cookie and looked at you, “Taste test.”

He took a bite and chewed it a few times before saying, “It tastes alright. It’s not like how Sam makes it, but I’m not Sam. I’m Tom.”

Both of you erupted into a fit of giggles as you talked about random things. The plate of cookies were now on your bedside table and only half of the cookies were eaten.

“Hey, how’s your friend?” Tom asked casually. Both of you were laying on your bed, facing the ceiling.

“Which friend?”

“The blond one who had one hell of a musical talent.” Tom said. “He used to come here and play on Sam’s piano.”

“Oh, James! I don’t really know what happened to him. We, uh, fell out of touch.”

“I see.” Tom said. “I hope he’s okay.”

“Same here.” You told him. “My friend, Madeline, got a scholarship last time I checked. She got accelerated in school and she got to attend uni ahead of us. I’m really proud of her, y’know?”

“Where is she now?” Tom asked.

You looked at Tom with sorrow in your eyes. He glanced at you and he could see how hurt you were. “We don’t talk...anymore. We used to. She’s basically like a sister to me, but we don’t talk anymore. Regardless, I’m really happy for her and I miss her. Wherever she is, I hope she’s alright.”

Suddenly, there was a knock on your door and Tom sat up quickly. The door opened and revealed Sam. “Hey, it’s time to eat dinner. You’re washing the dishes tonight, Tom!” Sam said before leaving.

“That little shit.” Tom laughed. “C’mon, Y/N. Let’s eat!” He got up from your bed and you followed suit with worry and concern in your eyes. You shook your head and shrugged it off. What you’ll say can wait.

Both of you went down to join everyone on the dining table. You sat in your usual seat, but didn’t contribute in the conversation. You were just happy to be there. You looked around and saw how happy your brothers were. You looked at your parents and saw them smiling. It was a beautiful sight to see. After all, all you wanted was for them to be happy. They deserve to be happy.

Harry and Tom cleaned up as you watched them help each other. “Next time, we should cook Y/N’s favorite dinner.” Tom said. Harry looked at him and shrugged, “Why not? I never liked it, but I’m sure she’d appreciate it very much.”

The next few days were spent with Tom. He never left your side and he made sure you were alright. You were the youngest and as the eldest Holland child, he made it his job to look after you. He wasn’t close with you before, but somehow as you grew older, it changed. Tom was now excited to spend time with you. He loved talking to you and he loved laughing with you. In his opinion, you make his stress and worries fade away.

Your birthday is coming up and he wanted everything planned out. He already had plans, actually. He knew what cake you wanted, he knew what decorations to put up, he planned the food, and he even had a theme in mind. He was really prepared. Paddy had to go with Tom in town just to buy balloons. Tom was really going all out.

“Are you going to help me set up tonight? Y/N’s birthday is tomorrow and I want her to be surprised when she wakes up. I can already imagine her face.” Tom smiled excitedly as he parked the car in the driveway.

“I can’t help you tonight. I have homework.” Paddy said as he looked at Tom who just shrugged. “Alright. No problem. Stay in school, Pads.” Tom smiled before exiting his car with Paddy following him.

They walked in and Tom saw you sitting on the arm of the couch with Sam and Harry. Tom smiled at the sight. “Hey, guys!” He greeted, causing the three of you to look at Tom and Paddy.

“Wow, you went shopping for a lot of things.” Harry pointed out.

“Yeah, what’s up with that?” Sam asked with a grin.

“Nothing.” Tom smirked. “I’ll put these in my room.” Tom left and went upstairs to his room as Paddy walked to the couch and sat next to you. You looked at Paddy and smiled. You weren’t close with him, but you loved him dearly. You were only one year younger than him and he was always kind to you and you liked hanging out with him.

You looked at Sam and Harry and you held back a chuckle as you watch them annoy each other. It was a lovely sight to see.

Night time came and dinner was over a few hours ago. You were just standing in your backyard feeling the wind blowing and you knew that something was about to happen. You just didn’t know what. The backdoor opened and you turned around to see Tom with a small smile.

“What’re you doing out here? It’s cold.” He said as he tugged his jacket closer. He walked towards you and stood beside you. “What’s on your mind?”

You shrugged, “Nothing. I guess I’m just tired. I think I’ll rest now.”

Tom nodded. He suddenly remembered his plan and said, “Yeah, you can go upstairs now. I, uh, prepared your room.”

“Thank you.” You smiled at him. You walked towards the back door and stopped to turn around to look at Tom. He was already looking at you and you said, “I- Good night, Tom.”

“Good night, Y/N. Sweet dreams.” He smiled sweetly. You opened the door and walked in and went straight up the stairs to your room.

Tom stayed outside for a minute before walking in. He locked the back door and went to the living room where his brothers were. “Hey, guys! Ready to decorate?” Tom asked with a huge smile on his face. It was evident that he was excited.

“What’re you talking about?” Sam asked, looking at Tom with a confused face.

“Yeah, what’s happening?” Paddy questioned.

Tom scoffed and crossed his arms, “How could you guys forget?! It’s our sister’s birthday tomorrow and you guys aren’t preparing at all!”

Tom was yelling as the rest were looking at him sadly. Sam’s eyes were clouded with tears as he looked at Tom. Harry and Paddy looked at Sam, not wanting to be the ones to remind Tom. Sam sighed and closed his eyes and his tears fell. He wiped his tears and opened his eyes to face Tom.

“Tom, mate, she’s dead.” Sam said softly. “She’s been dead for two months now.”

“W-What are you talking about?” Tom shook his head slowly. He looked away from Sam and he saw you standing behind Sam. “She’s right there, Sam! She’s literally right behind you! How can you not see it?!”

“Tom, stop! She’s gone, okay?!” Harry exclaimed. “Y/N’s not here! She won’t be here anymore and it’ll be that way forever. We just have to accept that.”

“It was leukemia, Tom. She didn’t make it and we had a funeral and everything.” Paddy said softly.

You were confined in the hospital for about a week now and you were getting weaker and weaker as the days went on. Your family was trying to be positive, but all of you knew that it was your time to go. Before you were confined, you had written letters for them to read after you die and it was now hidden in their drawers.

Tom and Harry weren’t there when you passed because they were in a different country. They immediately went home when they heard the news. All of you knew that you weren’t going to make it, but all of you ignored that fact. Everyone except Tom was grieving. He held his mother as she cried and he stayed strong for his brothers. He couldn’t remember the last time he and his brothers slept in one room and he hated that they chose to do it again as soon as you were gone.

It was like a sleepover. They all talked about you and everything you did that the others didn’t know about. Turns out, you had secrets you shared with everyone except Tom.

“Wait, she told you guys about her secrets?” Tom asked that night.

“Yeah.” Harry nodded, eyes bloodshot from all the crying. “If something happens to her, she tells the first person she sees.”

“She never told me anything.” Tom stated.

“That’s because you’re the eldest. No one tells people about themselves to the eldest sibling.” Paddy answered.

“That’s unfortunate.” Tom frowned. “I wish I knew the things you knew.” He added.

“It’s alright, Tom. She didn’t have major secrets, anyway. Besides, she was just scared to tell you. That’s why she did that.” Sam explained.

Tom couldn’t sleep that night as he looked at his brothers. They were cuddled up next to each other and were fast asleep. Tom couldn’t help but think of you before finally drifting off. Days later, it was the funeral. The whole house was quiet and while your mum, Nikki, would appreciate it, for once in her life she wanted the noise. She wanted to hear boisterous laughing, heavy footsteps running up and down the stairs, yelling, the sound of Sam cutting vegetables, Dom’s loud typing, Paddy talking to his friend on the phone, Harry telling you to wake up and calling you a lazy bum for not being productive, and Tom playing with Tessa outside. Now, there was none of that.

When a husband or wife dies, the one they left behind is called a widow. When a child dies, what do you call their parents? No one’s ever come up with a word for that yet because it’s too painful to think about. You were young and you deserved all the best life has to offer. Nikki was devastated, but she knew that wherever you were, you aren’t in pain anymore and that was enough for her.

Tom wanted to scream, but he didn’t. He was numb. After the funeral, he and Harry decided to take a break from traveling to spend time with the rest of the family. He stopped working for a while and everyone understood that.

When they got home, Tom went straight to his room and cried. He cried and cried until no tears came out. His head ached, but he didn’t want to get up and get himself a glass of water. He grabbed his phone from the bedside table to ask Harry, but his phone died. Tom scoffed, sat up, and reached the drawer of his bedside table. He leaned over to look for his phone charger, but he saw a letter instead. It had his name on it and he realized that it was your handwriting. Tom quickly grabbed it and put his phone back on the bedside table. He opened the envelope and read what you wrote for him.

Dear Tom,

Hi. When you read this, you know that I'm gone. I'm sorry that we never got to bond a lot. I guess it's my fault because I was so scared of you. Despite that, I want you to know that I'm really happy for you and I'm proud of you.

You're my inspiration and please know that I'm very proud to be your sister.

I don't know where I'll end up when I'm gone, but please don't worry about me. I'll be okay, I can feel it. I'll just go where the wind takes me.

You're a kind person for the whole time I've known you. I'll miss everything and I'll miss your pranks and jokes. Please never stop doing those just because I'm gone. I hope you think of me whenever you tell a joke or pull a prank on Harry again.

I wish we bonded more. I wish we made cookies until Sam kicked us out of the kitchen because he needed to prepare for dinner. I wish we watched movies together and I wish we spoke often.

I'll miss you all the time and I love you. So much. Never forget that.

Your sister,

Y/N/N x

Tom cried again until he slept with the letter resting on his chest. The next morning, he got up to go to your room. He dreamt of you and he wanted to tell you about it. He glanced at the door and noticed that it was unlocked. He slowly opened it and to his surprise, he saw you standing there watching everyone outside from your window.

“Y/N.” Tom said.

You turned around and smiled at him, “Hey, Tom.”

“I dreamt of you! And in my dream, you were a ballet dancer. We did ballet together. Wouldn't that be something? It could be a bonding thing for us." Tom said with a big smile as he fully entered your room. All of a sudden, he forgot about your sickness, your death, your sickness. From an outsider's point of view, it was a sad sight to see. He was clearly in the denial stage.

Harry was on his way downstairs when he heard a voice coming from your room. He quietly opened the door and saw Tom excitedly talking to thin air.

"You know, I'm not doing anything anytime soon. Why don't we go out? It'll just be you and me, Y/N." Tom smiled. Harry's heart broke upon hearing this. His older brother was imagining their dead sister. Harry kept it to himself because he thought that Tom was coping that way.

It wasn't until Sam witnessed the same thing. Tom was in the kitchen and he was talking to thin air once more. Sam watched as Tom laughed and said a bunch of things. Sam kept it to himself too.

Paddy, however, was different. He went to Harry and Sam's room, unannounced. He closed and locked the door behind him as the twins looked at him in confusion.

"Okay, I can't be the only one to notice it." Paddy said with arms crossed.

"What're you talking about?" Harry asked.

"Tom." Was all Paddy said. The twins looked at each other before looking back at Paddy.

"What about him?" Sam asked, his eyebrows were raised a bit.

"Tom told me that he'll bake Y/N's favorite cookies tomorrow because Y/N said she was craving for it." Paddy explained.

"I saw Tom talking to thin air the day after the funeral. He was in Y/N's room." Harry confessed.

"I saw him doing that too, but he was in the kitchen this time. I'm worried about him." Sam said.

"What should we do?" Harry asked with a frown on his face.

"Let's just let him be for a while. Let’s just intervene when it gets out of hand.” Sam decided as the other two nodded.

They just let Tom be until they had enough.

Tom couldn't believe what his brothers were telling him. He felt sick to his stomach. His baby sister was gone and the thought of it ate him alive. He shook his head and Sam said, “Tom, everything will be alright. We’ll get through this together. We’ll be fine.”

“That can’t be true. I’ve been speaking to her. Stop fucking lying.” Tom cried.

“Tom, wake up! She’s not here, alright?! She’s not in her room anymore. Her things will forever be untouched and her books will be dusty. Her phone hasn’t been charged since she died and it’ll stay that way. All we have left are pictures, videos, and memories of her. We should accept that because no matter what happens, we can’t bring her back!” Harry said as his voice was raised.

“Just go to bed, mate. You’re tired.” Paddy said softly. “We’ll deal with this in the morning.”

Tom wiped his tears and went up to his room, slamming the door. He went to sleep and dreamt of you again. Both of you were on top of a small hill and the wind was blowing softly.

“Why can’t they see you?” Tom asked you.

“Because I only showed myself to you. I know that we haven’t been really close and I figured you’d want some kind of closure. In truth, I’m only here because of you. The light has been calling me and they want me to leave already, but I can’t because I know you’d be sad. I hate seeing you sad.” You explained.

“Then stay here.” Tom begged, but you shook your head.

“You need to let me go, Tom. It’s time. I can’t stay here forever.” You chuckled lightly.

“I just- I feel like nothing. When you were around, I felt like I had a purpose. Now, I just wish I could be with you.” He admitted.

“Don’t say that. Imagine how everyone will react if you’re gone. They’ll be upset. I’m so proud that you’re alive and well because you’ll get to go on with life and grow old. If you can’t do it for yourself, then do it for me. Live the life I never got to live. Trust me when I say that you’ll be happier when you move on.”

“I don’t want to forget you and I don’t want you to think that we’re having fun without you.” He said.

“I won’t think that way because all I ever wanted for all of you is to be happy and healthy. I love you and I miss you, but I want you to have fun and to keep doing everything you love. Don’t stop because I’m gone. Don’t let me be a hindrance because that’ll make me sad and I’ll haunt you forever.” You said as Tom chuckled. “Besides, you don’t have to forget about me. I’ll always be in your heart.”

“Alright.” Tom said. “I think I’m ready to let you go.”

You smiled and nodded as you walked away and stepped into the light. Tom shouted, “Happy birthday, Y/N!”

You looked back and smiled. With that, he knew you were thanking him not just for greeting, but also for everything.

Tom woke up and it was already morning. He decided to get ready and to head to the cemetery. He walked downstairs and saw his brothers eating breakfast.

“Where are you going?” Harry asked before eating his cereal.

“The cemetery. It’s Y/N’s birthday.” Tom said. “I’ll go now. I don’t know what time I’ll be back.”

Tom left and the drive to the cemetery was short and quiet. He parked the car and walked to your grave. He smiled when he saw a small, framed picture of you that Harry placed there not too long ago. He sat in front of your grave and smiled, “Hey, Y/N. I know you can hear me.”

“I guess I did look crazy for a while and I now understand how everyone felt. I, um, I read your letter. I’m sorry too, y’know? I’m sorry I never made the effort to spend time with you. I guess it’s because all my life, I’ve only known about having brothers and when you came along, I didn’t know how to act. But I’m really happy that I got to see you grow up and I’m happy with our few moments together.”

“When you were five, I was fourteen. It’s a wide gap and I remember being so annoyed because your toys were everywhere.” He chuckled at the thought. “Regardless, I loved you and I still do. I’m happy that you grew up to be kind and loving. I’m really fucking happy for that.”

“In your letter, you said that I shouldn’t worry about you. Y/N, I’m sorry, but I can’t promise that. I’m your older brother and that automatically makes me sort of like a second parent especially when mum and dad aren’t around. So, I’ll always worry about you even though I know you’re okay and not in pain.”

“I do, however, promise to always dedicate my pranks to you. I know you’d love that. I’d wish that we bonded, but we already did that. You gave me a chance to get to know the sister I never got to know and that, above all, makes me so happy and grateful. That’s enough for me.”

“I don’t want to say cheesy shit and ask for guidance. I don’t want to burden you in heaven. Like, it’s called a resting place for a reason and I want you to rest easy. I just want to say that I miss you so much and I love you. Happy birthday.” He finished.

Just then, he felt the wind blow in his direction and he knew that you were okay.

* * * *

𝐒𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓: @celestialholland @alinastarkrovs @piscesparker @prancerrparkerr @spideyspeaches @givebuckyhisplumsnow @blueleatherbag @theonly1outof-a-billion @hollandbroz-n-haz @starlight-starks @webmeupspiderdaddy @studiesinspanish @bi-lmg @minejungwoo @blossomhollands @markhyucksmells @ilikealotofpeople-younotsomuch

[writingtoforgetreality]

Power Broker - TFATWS Rewrite Chapter Three (Bucky Barnes x Reader)

[Marvel-Masterlist], [TFATWS Rewrite-Masterlist]

Previous Chapter / Next Chapter

Summary: Zemo & you had a history. That did not stop you from following him. Much to your dismay. Madripoor. That was where you were headed. You would see what awaited you there.

Words: 11,979

Warnings: language, violence, injury, blood, angst, sarcasm, humor, sass, Zemo being himself (help, I love him), cute & protective Bucky, fluff, spoilers for TFATWS, (Y/E/C) = your eye color

If you like my work & wanna support me: a coffee would be highly appreciated ❤

Berlin. You would so regret the decision to really do this. It was no secret that you did not agree with Bucky’s plan. At all. The three of you followed a guard down a white hallway. The atmosphere here was everything but comfortable.

“He’s just through that corridor.” his thick, German accent came through. He left the three of you alone.

“Alright, I’m gonna go in alone.” Bucky started. Your eyes widened at that.

“Why?” thank you, Sam. An explanation was needed here.

“’Cause you’re an Avenger. You know how he feels about that.” you silently observed the conversation between the two men in front of you. If it got out of hand, you would intervene.

“It’s not like you two were known for frocklin’ in the sun together.” if it were not for the situation to be this serious you would have actually laughed at that. Not the right timing.

“He was obsessed with HYDRA. We have a history together. Trust me. I got it.” the moment Bucky wanted to walk away, you spoke up.

“Uh, I hate to interrupt…” you stopped briefly when two pairs of eyes stared at you. “But you’re not the only person to have a history with him, you know that, right?” your eyebrows raised in question. The super soldier simply rolled his eyes at you. He knew what you were trying to do.

“You don’t like him.” Bucky reasoned.

“And you do?” you shot back, arms crossing over your chest. He sighed out & put his hands on his hips. “That’s what I thought. Let me come with you.” slow & steady words left you.

“I won’t let you, (Y/N). That’s something I have to do alone.” your mouth opened to argue with him. Something he stopped right away. “And you can’t change my mind.”

“Sam.” you eyed the man next to you, waiting for him to reveal his opinion. He simply shrugged & motioned for Bucky to go ahead. Great. Back facing them, you took deep breaths to calm yourself down. Sometimes, you were so done with both of them.

“Why did you let him go in alone, Sam?” you started the conversation when Bucky was out of view.

“Because it was his idea in the first place.” he gestured.

“Sure & it was such an incredible idea that we didn’t even have to overthink it.” rolling your eyes, Sam kept staring at you in confusion.

“Wait…You said you had a history with Zemo.” Sam pieced everything together. At least he thought he did.

“So?”

“You didn’t like…fondue, did you?” Sam was careful while asking this question.

“Oh my God, could you not?” throwing your arms up, you covered your face with your hands. “No, we did not, Sam.”

“What kinda history do you two have then?” you could not even blame him for being curious. If you were in his position, you would ask the exact same question.

“It’s not important. Just…don’t bring it up again, okay? Please.” your (Y/E/C) eyes locked with his. The sincerity was shown through them. Whatever happened, Sam did not want to mess with you. After all, it looked like it really bothered you.

“What are you talking about you wanna break Zemo outta jail? Where the hell are we, Buck? Have you lost your mind?” the three of you were walking inside a barely lit room & Sam did not take the news of Bucky wanting Zemo’s help all too well. Was it the right time to tell him “I told you so.”? Whatever, you decided to keep it to yourself.

“We have no leads, no moves, nothing.” Bucky pointed out. Yeah, because you had not had enough time for research.

“Yeah, what we have is one of the most dangerous men of the world behind bars.” Sam clapped back.

“If you think Zemo is one of the most dangerous men then I’m really sorry for you, Wilson. Clearly you’ve never really met him.” your flashlight was not helping you to find your way through this room a lot.

“It depends, (Y/N)…” Bucky mumbled. “But we also have eight super soldiers on the loose.”

“Zemo is gonna mess with our minds. Especially yours. No offense. And (Y/N)? After our little talk, I don’t know what to think anymore.” Wilson looked into your eyes, as much as it was possible in the dark.

“Didn’t I tell you to not bring it up?” you growled out quietly.

“What are you talking about?” Bucky turned around to face you two. A shrug was enough to brush him off for now. Though, you expected more questions to follow soon. Finally, light illuminated the room & you could abandon your flashlights. “Super soldiers go against everything he believes in. He is crazy, but he still has a code.”

“Bold of you to assume that this man believes in anything, Buck.” looking around, it seemed like you were in some sort of a garage? You were not entirely sure.

“What (Y/N) said. I’ve been on the wrong side of that code, guys, & so have you.” Sam tried to talk some sense into Bucky but it was useless. “He blew up the U.N., he killed King T’Chaka & framed you for it, Bucky. Did you forget that? You think the Wakandans forgot about it?” he had a point. “It’s a rhetorical question. They didn’t. I know why this matters to you, but, come on, it’s pushing you off the deep end.”

“Sam, we don’t know how they’re gettin’ the serum. We don’t even know how many of them there are.”

“Because we haven’t had enough time to research.” you chimed in. “We just need some more time.”

“More time won’t change anything.” Bucky raised his voice slightly. Not enough for you to flinch back, though. “Look, let me just walk you through a hypothetical. Can I walk you through a hypothetical?”

“This doesn’t sound good.” you said at the same time as Sam spoke up.

“What did you do?”

“I didn’t do anything.” Bucky stated. Raising your eyebrows, you saw right through him.

“That’s his “I did something.” stare, Sam.” you leaned closer to him to whisper in his ear. Your voice got a little louder again. “So Bucky, tell us what you didn’t do, will ya?”

“The weakest point in any system isn’t the software, the hardware, it’s the meatware. The human element. Now, in this lockup, it’s nine to one, prisoners to guards. And if two prisoners start fighting, then the protocol says four guards have to respond.”

“So why would two prisoners randomly start fighting at that moment?” Sam asked another good question.

“If I’m being honest, I don’t think I even wanna know.” you shook your head & put your face into one of your hands.

“Who knows? There could be many reasons…” Bucky’s look left you with an uneasy feeling.

“Bucky.” you let out a warning growl. Whatever would follow, it would be everything but good.

“But the point is, these things escalate. Lockdown procedures would have to be initiated, & with all those bodies flying around left & right, wouldn’t be hard to slip down a hallway or two. And if the fire alarm got tripped while the prisoners were being separated…someone could use the chaos to their advantage.” Bucky finished.

“Um, I don’t know about you, but the fact that you could describe all of it so detailed without even having to stop for a second to think about your next words is truly scary.” your eyes rolled because deep down, you knew that this was not just hypothetical.

“I have to agree with (Y/N). This is unnatural. Are you…And where are we, man?” at least Sam was on your side this time. A door opening in the distance caught your attention. A threat? But before you could start your flames, a familiar face showed up. Oh no.

“Woah.” Sam breathed out, immediately going into fight mode.

“No, listen.” but Sam did not listen. You, on the other hand, tried to stay hidden behind the two men.

“What are you doin’ here?” really, Sam? Bucky literally told you like a minute ago. Sam went to attack but he was held back.

“I didn’t tell ‘cause I knew you guys wouldn’t let this happen.” damn right he was. You would have done everything to stop it.

“What did you do?” Sam’s voice got a few octaves higher.

“We need him, Sam.” scoffing quietly at that, you eyed the situation carefully. It was not part of your plan to meet him again. Not ever, for that matter.

“You’re going back to prison!” Sam was really heated right now, you could tell.

“If I may…” there was his voice. The one you had not heard in so long.

“NO!” Sam & Bucky yelled in union.

“Apologies.” you were pretty sure that they did not hear it. Slowly, you made your way out of your hiding spot. Zemo saw a dark figure approaching, silhouette way too familiar. His eyes widened at your sight. Nobody told him that you were here as well.

“(Y/N)?” his voice, barely above a whisper, broke the two arguing men out of their discussion.

“Zemo.” you nodded at him, feet dragging you closer to Bucky where you felt safe.

“Long time no see.” he stood his ground, sensing that you were uncomfortable. Because, unfortunately, he knew you better than you would have liked to admit.

“Not long enough.” you countered & he scoffed at you. “Hey Bucky?” he turned to you, that threatening smile on your face. The one everyone you were close to feared. “What the actual fuck?”

“(Y/N).” Bucky sighed in frustration. “Let me explain.”

“Sure thing, go ahead…”

“When Steve refused to sign the Sokovia Accords, you backed him. You broke the law & you stuck your neck out for me.” the super soldier made sure that his words reached the both of you.

“And I would do it again. As would Sam.” you answered without a second thought. Yet, his next words caught you off guard.

“I’m asking you to do it again.” Bucky’s voice got lower, signaling that he was serious about this.

“I didn’t mean it so figuratively, dude.” you desperately breathed out.

“I really think I’m invaluable…” but you gave Zemo no chance to finish whatever thought his sick brain had formed.

“Shut the fuck up.” you snarled through gritted teeth. His arms raised in defense.

“Okay.” Sam stated after a few seconds of silence.

“Okay? What do you mean “Okay.”?” you expected a lot of things but you definitely did not expect Sam to be okay with this. ��It’s bad enough I have to work with you two children. But him? Don’t do this to me, guys.” you whined like you were a little child yourself. Sam rolled his eyes at your behavior.

“How kind of you, (Y/N).” Zemo sarcastically added.

“If we do this, you don’t make a move without our permission.” Wilson looked at him with that stare of his that usually made you shut up in an instant.

“Sam? You do know who you’re talking to, right?” one of your eyebrows raised.

“Yes, I do.”

“Good, just wanted to check.” your tight lipped smile did not need another comment.

“Okay, Zemo, where do we start?”

“(Y/N)?” Can we talk for a second?” Bucky dragged you away before you could give him a proper response. When he was sure that neither Sam nor Zemo could hear you anymore, he continued. “What’s going on?”

“Funny enough, I wanted to ask you the exact same question.” your sarcasm was more than obvious right now.

“You & Zemo?” his face was incredibly close to yours but not in a good way. No, he was mad at you even though you should be the one being mad at him.

“I didn’t help him break out, don’t you dare blame me now.” you shoved him back, not with much force, just enough so he stepped back.

“What kinda history do you have?” his voice was a little softer now, though you did not know why.

“There’s a reason I haven’t told you about any of this, Buck.” sighing exaggeratedly. “We have a history. So what? I don’t like him, okay? I don’t. Why do you care anyway?”

“So there was nothing between you two?”

“What the hell? No, of course not. Sam asking that? Okay, I get it. But you? Do you really think so little of me? Bucky, since when don’t you trust me?”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you. Just, you’ve only mentioned him to me a few times.”

“And I have damn good reasons why.” one of your hands made its way to Bucky’s shoulder in order to catch his attention. When his eyes met yours, you continued. “You have your demons to fight & I have mine. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be alright.” you wanted to turn around & head back to the others but his metal hand grabbed your wrist to stop you.

“You can talk to me, (Y/N). Whatever it is, I’m here for you, too.” a warm smile was enough for him to let you go. Motioning for Bucky to follow you, he trailed behind to go back to Sam & Zemo. Hopefully they had not killed each other yet.

“So our first move is grand theft auto?” Sam questioned when the four of you made your way into a big hall filled with cars. So many cars. Why the hell were there so many cars?

“These are mine. Collected by family over the generations.” Zemo explained. Sure thing. Sometimes you forgot that he was a Baron. “I spent years hunting people HYDRA recruited to recreate the serum. Right, (Y/N)?” he sent you a wink which made you roll your eyes. He pushed your buttons & he damn well knew it. Your heartrate picked up its pace, past memories were flooding your brain. The sudden headache made you stop in your tracks. Bucky turned around when he did not see you walking next to him anymore. He approached you, squeezed your shoulders & tried to get you to look up. It took a few moments but when your head snapped up, a small smile was plastered on your face. A tired one. Bucky could tell as well. Nodding briefly, you began walking again. This time, Bucky stayed close.

“Because once it’s out there, someone can create an army of people…” Zemo rummaged through one of his many cars, searching for God knew what. “…like the Avengers.”

“Remind me to kick your ass if you keep making these pauses for dramatical effect.” Sam & Bucky scoffed at your little threat.

“Almost feels like the good old days, doesn’t it?” he made his way over to you. Instinctively, you scooted closer to Bucky’s side. Getting the message, he wrapped one of his arms around your middle. “I ended the Winter Soldier program once before. I have no intention to leave my work unfinished. Not like I left yours, (Y/N).” he teased. Your jaw clenched & you tried your hardest to keep your comments to yourself.

“Can you just cut to the chase?” Bucky spoke up with his deep voice. Zemo looked at you guys & explained further.

“To do this, we’ll have to scale a ladder of lowlifes.”

“We’ll join the party. We’ve already started.” Sam joined the conversation.

“First stop is a woman named Selby. Mid-level fence I still have a line on. From there, we climb.” Zemo walked away, ignoring you entirely. Glancing between Sam & Bucky, you noticed that they were on board with whatever Zemo had planned.

“Oh. Okay. Great.” mumbling out, you followed Zemo & left the others alone. You hated everything about this.

Zemo led you to an airport. Sort of. His private jet. Yes, apparently his Baron title meant a big deal. As an Avenger, you did not even have things similar to what he had. Not that you were complaining. It sure as hell fed his ego, though. Especially with this coat of his that made him look like he really was important.

“So all this time you’ve been rich?” Sam gestured with his arms. Gesturing to the huge ass plane right in front of you.

“I’m a Baron, Sam.” because he could not see you, you mimicked his words in a teasing manner. Bucky noticed & tried to hide his laugh with a cough. Without luck. Zemo did not seem to mind. “My family was royalty until your friends destroyed my country.”

“Aw, bummer.” you joked which earned you a death glare from him. Zemo greeted the man waiting for you in Russian. Some words you understood. You grew up with HYDRA, after all.

“Please.” Zemo motioned for you all to follow him inside the plane. Truthfully, you had a bad feeling about this. Somehow, the blind trust Sam & Bucky placed in him left you angry. They knew what he was capable of.

“By the way, I think it’s not fair that I have to sit opposite of him.” your finger pointed to Zemo but your words were directed at Sam & Bucky. The Baron chuckled at you.

“Apologies if that’s a little warm, the fridge is out.” was it his butler? He was now. “But I will see if there is some good food in the galley.” these really were first world problems. Not. Zemo answered something in Sokovian. Something that even made you laugh.

“Wait…What did he say?” Bucky asked you with wide eyes.

“He just confessed that he would like to have your hair, Buck.” Zemo did not correct you but simply chuckled at your words.

“You don’t know what it’s like to be locked in a cell. Oh. That’s right. You do. (Y/N)?” he eyed you, looking at you expectantly.

“What is it my dear Baron?” you rolled your eyes when you answered him.

“Oh, I get all giddy when you call me that…You know, we need to talk.”

“Oh, do we now?” tilting your head, you hoped he would not keep talking. You knew how this would end.

“Maybe not in their company.” he shrugged his shoulders.

“Maybe not at all.” you snapped back with venom in your voice. If he did not stop talking then you would make him shut up. Luckily, Sam came to your aid.

“Why don’t you tell us about where we’re going?” took him long enough to ask that. Hell, you were already on your way.

“I’m sorry. I was just fascinated by this.” Zemo opened a book, focusing on whatever words he was reading. “I don’t know what to call it, but this part seems to be important. Who is Nakajima?” immediately, you jumped up & ripped the small book out of his hands. Handing it to Bucky, you silently checked if he was alright. A small nod confirmed that he was. For now. Your face got closer to Zemo’s.

“You do something like that again & I’ll castrate you with my bare hands. Flames included.” his eyes got a little wider in fear. He had respect but he did not want to show it. “Got it?” he nodded frantically & you shoved him back into his chair, sitting down yourself.

“I’m sorry.” well, at least he was apologizing. Whether he meant it or not did not matter. “I understand that list of names. People you’ve wronged as the Winter Soldier.”

“Don’t push it.” Bucky warned him.

“I’ve seen that book.” Sam joined the conversation. “It was Steve’s when he came out of the ice. I told him about Trouble Man. He wrote it in that book. Did you hear it? What’d you think?” risking a glance at Bucky, he looked outside of the window. Seemingly done with everything right now. Similar emotions were rushing through you.

“I like ‘40s music, so…”

“Oh, stop it, Buck. I’ve seen you throwing it down to Beyoncé.” you teased. Sam & Zemo laughed while Bucky only scoffed.

“I don’t mind Beyoncé.” he defended himself.

“You didn’t like Trouble Man?” Sam acted as if the world was ending. Again.

“I liked it.” he countered.

“It is a masterpiece, James. Complete. Comprehensive.” because apparently, Zemo thought everyone cared about his opinion. “It captures the African-American experience.”

“He’s out of line, but he’s right.” Sam had to admit. “It’s great. Everybody loves Marvin Gaye.”

“True.” you added quietly.

“I like Marvin Gaye.” Bucky confessed.

“But?” you asked.

“No but.” the super soldier breathed out.

“Steve adored Marvin Gaye.” Sam was right. The thought brought back a lot of memories.

“You must have really looked up to Steve.” Zemo really was one to push buttons.

“Zemo. Shut it.” your warning growl was deep.

“You’re very protective over James, (Y/N).” he noted.

“So what? You jealous?” you asked, your tone teasing. He simply shook his head & let the topic die. Bucky eyed you carefully when you talked to Zemo. It was true, you were protective whenever it came to him. But that was your personality, right? That was what he told himself. Zemo directed the conversation to Steve again.

“I realized something when I met him. The danger with people like him, America’s super soldiers, is that we put them on pedestals.”

“Watch your step, Zemo.” Sam’s warning would not change anything. After all, you had tried before.

“They become symbols. Icons.” Zemo did not stop. “And then we start to forget about their flaws. From there, cities fly, innocent people die. Movements are formed, wars are fought. You remember that, right?” his words were directed at Bucky. Your hand was held out for him to grab. While he eyed it, he did not take it. So you retreated it again. Probably too many people here to watch, you figured. “As a young soldier sent to Germany to stop a mad icon. Do we want to live in a world full of people like the Red Skull? That is why we’re going to Madripoor.” huh, Madripoor. You had never heard of that before. Was it stupid to follow Zemo there? Most definitely.

“What’s up with Madripoor? You guys talk about it like it’s Skull Island.” sometimes you really appreciated Sam for keeping the cool during such situations. You let your emotions drive your actions most of the time. Something you needed to improve, you knew that.

“It’s an island nation in the Indonesian archipelago.” looked like Bucky knew about this place. “It was a pirate sanctuary back in the 1800s.”

“It’s kept its lawless ways.” your head turned to stare at Zemo again. Lawless? Great. “But we cannot exactly walk in as ourselves. James, you will have to become someone you claim is gone.” glancing between him & Bucky, you scoffed in hopes that this was a big joke.

“No. No, no, no. Bucky, you won’t go with that, right?” but he only shot you a sympathetic smile. Sam only shrugged. Well, apparently all the guys were against you.

“(Y/N). I expect you will not be happy about the role you have to play.” Zemo’s eyes bore into yours. They held something that left you uneasy. “You will have to become my partner in order to not blow up our cover.” please, let him be joking. The seriousness showed you that he was not. Bucky beat you to speaking up.

“Not gonna happen. Don’t even think about it.”

“Funny how (Y/N) doesn’t want you to play the Winter Soldier & you don’t want her to be my pretend-wife.”

“Guess what, Zemo? I don’t wanna be your pretend-wife.”

“I guess you don’t have much choice.” Zemo stated with a certainty. He was right. You hated it but he was right. A look at Sam & Bucky was enough. It was set. Zemo’s plan was about to happen.

Madripoor was colorful. If it were not for the fact that they lived without any laws here, you would have enjoyed it. Sam changed into a red suit, pretending to be someone called Smiling Tiger. Bucky pretended to be the Winter Soldier. Zemo’s clothes were the same. You wore a beautiful gown that matched Zemo’s colors. It hugged your every curve perfectly. The moment the super soldier first saw you in it took his breath away. You were drop dead gorgeous. Every day, actually. But in this dress? Damn, he was at a loss of words. The four of you walked the streets just like that. In this country, nobody cared. Nobody noticed.

“We have to do something about this. I’m the only one who looks like a pimp.” Sam complained about his outfit.

“I don’t know, I think people will dig that.” you nudged him with your elbow. This earned you a light groan & a laugh.

“Only an American would assume a fashion-forward Black man looks like a pimp.” sometimes, you thought Zemo tried everything to sound intellectual. Tried was the word. “You look exactly like the man you’re supposed to be playing. The sophisticated, charming African rake named Conrad Mack, aka the Smiling Tiger.”

“Sophisticated & charming.” you chuckled. “Not words I’d use to describe you, Wilson.” Sam rolled his eyes at you.

“Smiling Tiger. He even has a bad nickname.” Sam complained. But when he looked at the picture Zemo had shown him, he realized why he had to play pretend to be that guy. “Hell, he does look like me, though.”

“Show me.” Sam held the picture in front of your face. “Damn, you sure that’s not you? Secret identity, maybe?” you wiggled your brows & earned a playful slap from Sam.

“(Y/N), you cannot act like this here.” Zemo held your wrist to make you stop in your tracks. “You are supposed to be the Baron’s dame. Let your guard down & this mission will be for nothing.” usually, you did not care about other people’s opinions. Therefore, Zemo’s words did not affect you at all. Bucky pulled you away from him & shot him a stern stare.

“Stop. Threatening. Her.” Bucky growled. “She’s not new to this job. She knows the way.” Zemo’s hands raised & he took a step back, signaling that he would not do this again.

“You smell this?” Zemo spoke up all of a sudden.

“Yeah, what is that? Acid?” Sam asked curiously.

“Madripoor.” wow, what a great answer. Now you knew so much more. You had a lot of sarcastic comebacks but you decided to keep your comments to yourself. “No matter what happens, we have to stay in character. (Y/N).” Zemo held his hand out for you to take. Rolling your eyes, you grabbed it. His body pulled closer to yours & you wished it would be Bucky who held you close. It would make everything a lot easier. Plastering on a big, fake smile, you tried your hardest to be what he wanted you to be. His dame. You would kill him later, for sure. A car approached you & the four of you got in. Zemo, pretending to be the gentleman, opened the door for you & helped you in. His hands holding your hip in place. He was so dead. After this mission, you would so kill him. His smirk showed you that he knew exactly what he was doing.

Nope. You did not like this town. At all. Loud music. Drugs everywhere. Scary people wherever you looked. And to top everything off, you had to pretend to be utterly in love with Zemo. Now that you were thinking about it, you would have preferred talking to him instead of this whole undercover thing. The four of you found yourselves in the Princess Bar. The name itself would have been repulsive enough for you. But it was all for the job. All to get the job done. Zemo started speaking in Russian. You understood most of it. Someone close to you whispered something about the Winter Soldier being here. They knew him. Of course. People like them did know him. You made your way over to the bar. Your body being uncomfortably close to Zemo’s. Bucky had a role to play but you knew him better than that. Something behind his eyes told you that he hated this as much as you did. Not just him pretending to be the killer he had once been but also you having to play the Baroness.

“Hello gentlemen, m’lady. Wasn’t expecting you, Smiling Tiger.” the bartender greeted you.

“His plans changed. We have business to do with Selby.” Zemo explained.

“The usual?” obviously, the question referred to your drinks of choice. Unsure how to answer, you let the guys do the talking. In the corner of your eyes, you noticed Sam nodding. Bucky kept his composure. Your eyes widened when the bartender grabbed a very much alive & moving snake from a jar, put it down on the counter & went straight to cutting it open. It took everything in you to not gag but you had to act like none of this faced you.

“Ah.” you assumed Zemo wanted to ease the tension. “Smiling Tiger, your favorite.” oh no, poor Sam. You averted your gaze from the scene in front of you. Instead, your eyes bore into the side profile of the man hugging you close.

“I love these.” Sam commented, referring to the drink in his hand. If all of this was over, you would tease the shit out of him. Now was not the right timing, though.

“Cheers, Conrad.” Zemo clinked his glass with Wilson, then moved on to you. Honestly, you had no idea what kind of liquid your glass held. You knew better than to ask questions. Fingers crossed Sam could down his drink without making it look suspicious. Someone tapped your shoulder. An action which made you turn around. Zemo turned around as well, squeezing your hips as he did so. He was walking on very thin ice. Yet, your smile not even once faltered.

“I got word from up high.” the man talking to you was scary. It would not have bothered you as much if you knew you could use your powers. “You ain’t welcome here.”

“I have no business with the Power Broker, but if he insists, he can either come & talk to me…” he then gestured to Bucky who stood close by, jaw clenched. It had to be hard for him. After all, he wanted to erase the Winter Soldier from his mind. He was the main cause of his nightmares. Zemo would regret his decision to play pretend once you could let your guard down. “Or bring Selby for a chat.” that seemed to do the job. The man left you guys alone again.

“A power broker? Really?” Bucky questioned.

“Every kingdom needs its king.” you had to keep your comment about him killing King T’Chaka to yourself. “Let’s just pray we stay under his radar.”

“Do you know him?” Sam chimed in.

“Only by reputation. In Madripoor he is judge, jury, & executioner.” suddenly, Zemo began talking in Russian, clearly addressing Bucky. All you could make out was that he was supposed to attack. No. No, no, no. But it was too late. Bucky went straight into action. Fighting his way through the bar. People surrounding you screamed. Some of them put their phones out & you would have loved to just burn the place down. If these videos ever make it to the States? Only the Gods knew what it would do to Bucky. It kind of scared you that the super soldier could pretend so easily. Though, you knew that deep down, he hated every single second of it. With his entire heart. No matter what, you had to talk to him about this later.

“I will kill you for this.” you whispered into Zemo’s ear. A gentle smile on your face when you pulled away again. A smirk was the only response you got.

“Didn’t take much for him to fall back into form.” he winked at you. Your jaw clenching was the only way to show how incredibly angry you were. Guns around you started clicking & you turned around only to be met with tons of people circling you. Zemo pulled you closer once again. His next words were directed at you & Sam.

“Stay in character or the whole bar turns on us.” what a reassuring thing. Zemo praised Bucky in Russian.

“Selby will see you now.” the bartender gave you an approving nod.

“Thank you.” the Baron said. Bucky let go of the person he had held down only a second ago.

“Are you okay?” you could not help but ask, of course only in a whisper. Bucky would not meet your eyes & just let out a deep breath. Maybe he would give you a proper answer later on.

“You should know, Baron.” the woman who you assumed to be Selby spoke up. “People don’t just come into my bar & make demands.”

“Not a demand. An offer.” he made it obvious to grab your hand & intertwine his fingers with yours. You offered the best heart eyes you could muster.

“A lot has changed since you were here last. Who’s that lovely lady by your side?” she eyed you up & down.

“My Baroness.” Zemo kept it simple, thank the Gods. At least one move you were alright with. Your warm smile made her smile in return.

“By the way, I thought you were rotting away in a German prison. How did you escape?” excellent question. You knew someone who could recall the story very detailed. Zemo sat on a chair & pulled you on his lap. Your jaw clenched but you would not let your smile fall. You did notice Bucky staring at you closely. Shooting him a quick glance, you hoped it was enough to let him know that you were fine but that you were not liking it one bit.

“People like us always find a way, don’t we? Darling?” he squeezed your hip, motioning for you to answer as well. The nickname he gave you? Oh, he would so get punched later.

“Most definitely, my Baron.” a soft kiss was planted on your cheek & you saw red. By the way Bucky’s fist clenched, it was obvious that he was slowly losing his temper.

“I’m sure you’ve already figured out what I’m here for.” his eyes directed to Selby.

“You’re taller than I’d heard, Smiling Tiger.” she did not even look at Sam, yet her words were meant to reach him. “What’s the offer?”

“Tell us what you know about the super-soldier serum.” Zemo did not waste any more time. He gently moved you off of him & got up, walking over to where Bucky stood. “And I give you him, along with the code words to control him, of course. He will do anything you want.” one of his hands brushed along Bucky’s chin & if it were not for the part you were playing, you would have punched him in his face. Flames added & all.

“Now that’s the Zemo I remember.” Selby seemed totally on board with that deal. “I’m glad I decided not to kill you immediately.” damn, she wanted to kill him back in the days? Why the hell did she not? “Yeah, you were right to come to me. Arrogant, but right.” again, Zemo sat back down, pulling you close to his body. And you could do nothing but obey. “The super-soldier serum is here in Madripoor. Dr. Wilfred Nagel is the man you wanna thank. Or…condemn, depending on what side of this you’re on. The Power Broker had him working on the serum, but…things didn’t go as planned.”

“Is Nagel still in Madripoor?” Zemo wanted to know.

“Oh. The bread crumbs you can have for free, but the bakery is gonna cost you, Baron.” great, so that was not going the way you thought it would. “And before you get all cute, don’t think you can find Nagel without me.”

A cell phone vibrating caught everyone’s attention. Looking over to Sam, you realized that it was his. Shit. Whoever was calling him did not know about this little undercover mission. Selby demanded him to answer it & Sam had no choice but to. On speaker, of course. It was Sarah. Wilson’s sister. No matter how hard Sam tried, in the end, it blew your cover. Selby got shot the second she ordered to kill you all. Confusion washed over you, Zemo pushed you behind him. Bucky was right there & covered your body with his, making sure nobody had a clear sight on you. Though you had him protecting you, something hard hit the back of your head & you were soon embraced in darkness.

“So what the hell happened to her?” you could make out a female voice. It sounded familiar but you could not quite tell who it belonged to. Your eyelids were too heavy & it was a struggle to open them. Yet, you kept trying. After all, you still were not sure if your were safe or not. Last time you checked, you were in danger with people pointing their guns at you. How you got here? Somewhere inside on a couch? No clue. Groaning slightly, you found it hard to move. Finally opening your eyes, you were met with a certain super soldier smiling down at you. Wait a second. Were you laying in Bucky’s lap? Thank the Gods your head was killing you still or you would have been embarrassed to be in this position.

“Good morning, doll. You okay?” when the others noticed Bucky talking to you, they moved over to where you were. When you struggled sitting up, the super soldier went to help you. One of his arms stayed around your body. Looking around the room, you saw Sam, Zemo & Sharon staring at you. Sharon? What?

“Sharon?” your eyes widened, she simply shot you a warm smile.

“Nice to see you again, (Y/N).” she nodded at you.

“Um, what-where…how…okay. What the fuck?” Sam & Bucky chuckled at your confused state.

“I saved your asses. Well, not entirely. Bucky saved your ass & then I found you guys & then I saved your asses.” Sharon explained.

“Some asshole punched his gun against your head. Buck picked you up & we ran outta there. Now we’re here.” Sam joined in. Nodding in understanding, you thanked Sharon first, then looked over at Bucky & smiled brightly. That was enough for him to know that you were thankful.

“And Zemo’s still alive?” you teased, raising your eyebrows.

“For now.” Sharon mumbled & you broke out in laughter.

“No, wait. I told him I’d kill him. Please let me do it.” you eyed the Baron who simply sat there in silence, observing the conversation from afar.

“What’s going on, Sharon? You don’t ever wanna come back home?” Sam asked while picking out an outfit to wear.

“We miss you.” you simply stated.

“They’ll lock me up if I step foot back in the States.” well, she had a point but that did not have to happen. “Madripoor doesn’t allow extradition.”

“Look, I’m sorry I didn’t call, but after the Blip & the chaos, I just…” Sharon interrupted his rambling.

“Look, you know the whole hero thing is a joke, right? I mean, the way you gave up that shield, deep down, you must know it’s all hypocrisy.”

“He knows. And not so deep down.” for the first time since you woke up, Zemo spoke up. Nobody had asked him but you did not want to tell him that. All you did was sending him a death stare.

“Sharon. I did call. You never picked up.” you looked over from the couch to where she & Sam stood.

“I know you called.”

“Oh, okay. Great.” you mumbled, head hanging low.

“It wasn’t exactly easy, (Y/N). If there was a chance, I would’ve called back. You know that, right?” her eyes met yours & behind them, you saw the sincerity. A short nod was enough to drop the conversation for now. “By the way, how is the new Cap?”

“Oh my…please don’t ever mention that asshole again.” groaning, you put your head into your hands.

“Don’t get me started.” Bucky added. Sharon scoffed at your responses.

“Please. You buy into all that stars & stripes bullshit.” she walked over to her couch where Bucky & you were still sitting close to each other. “Before you were his pet psychopath, you were Mr. America! Cap’s best friend.”

“Wow. She’s kind of awful now.” Bucky leaned closer to your ear & whispered to you. Chuckling quietly, you clapped back a little.

“Not cool, Sharon. I’m being serious.” she rolled her eyes at you. A smirk formed on your face. You knew she was joking, but still.

“Karli Morgenthau & at least seven others have taken the serum.” Sam fixed the shirt he just put on.

“You guys really should steer clear of all of this for your own safety.” Sharon shook her head.

“We know it’s a risk, but we won’t leave until we find the one who cracked the code.”

“We got a name. Wilfred Nagel.” the super soldier followed.

“Nagel works for the Power Broker.” Sharon got up & walked across the room.

“We need your help, Sharon.” Sam admitted. “I can get your name cleared.”

“You haggling with my life?” she poured herself a drink. A drink would do you some good, too. But because of the headache you were still experiencing, you decided to not ask for one.

“Not like that.” Sam’s eyes softened.

“I don’t buy that. You pretending like you can clear my name. (Y/N)’s name got cleared because of what now? Oh, right. Because nobody knows she used to work for HYDRA. Because nobody has read her file. Imagine if things were different. What would her situation be like, huh?”

“Thanks for dragging me into this convo, Sharon.” a tight lipped smile was sent her way. Bucky placed his hand on your shoulder & squeezed a little.

“I wasn’t all that involved in clearing (Y/N)’s name. She did most of it herself.” Sam made sure to add & you showed your gratitude by a small but present smile. “Okay, maybe it is hypocrisy. Maybe you’re right. What happened to you. But I’m willing to try if you are. They cleared the bionic staring machine, & he killed almost everybody he’s met.”

“Damn, Wilson. You’re getting better with nicknames. If you keep going like that, I will have to start a small book & write them all down.” you joked. Even Bucky chuckled. Not much but still.

“I don’t trust charity.” Sharon ignored your little banter.

“Alright, a deal then.” Sam really cared about her otherwise he would have stopped trying to convince Sharon by now.  “You help us out, & I get your name cleared.” it took her a few moments but eventually, she shook hands with Wilson. So you had her on your side. Almost like the good old times.

“Well, I sell to some pretty connected people.” right, because apparently, you were unconscious when Sharon showed the guys around her art exhibition? That was what you made out. Though you had no idea what exactly they were talking about. “Lay low. Blend in. Enjoy the party. Try to stay outta trouble. I’ll see what I can find.”

“(Y/N)?” Zemo asked when Sharon exited the room. Bucky visibly tensed beside you. Clearly, he wanted to keep him as far away from you as possible. Especially after what happened at Selby’s. Bucky blamed Zemo for you getting hurt. Because if the super soldier was close to you, you would not have to deal with a pretty bad headache right now.

“What, Zemo?” you snarled.

“I asked you earlier today. Can we talk?”

“No.” Bucky answered so quickly, you barely had time to register the question.

“I believe the lady can speak for herself.” Zemo stood up, holding his hand out for you to take. Shooting Bucky a quick glance, your eyes told him that you would be fine.

“The lady can. You got five minutes.” ignoring his hand, you got up yourself, stopping briefly to get used to the feeling of standing. Your head was pulsing. Bucky went to steady you by holding onto your waist. When the dark spots blurring your vision disappeared, you assured Bucky that you were okay. His titled head showed his uncertainty. Nevertheless, he let you go.

Zemo & you were outside on a balcony. The chill air of Madripoor around you. Propping your arms on the railing, you waited for him to speak up. It was him who wanted to talk to you.

“I am sorry.” his voice was quiet but loud enough for you to snap your head into his direction. Zemo. Apologizing? Maybe you were dreaming. “For not being cautious enough back there. And for what happened all those years ago.” you scoffed, averting your gaze again.

“Thanks for your apology.” your words were filled with sarcasm.

“I do mean it, (Y/N).” you could feel his eyes staring at you.

“Zemo.” you sighed. “What happened at Selby’s wasn’t your fault. It could’ve happened to all of us. And what you did back then…well, I think your apology comes a little too late. It’s in here, you know?” your finger pointed to your head, signaling that you meant it was a memory.

“What I did was wrong.”

“Took you a long time to figure that one out. It doesn’t matter anyway. You trapped me. Failed to extract my blood correctly to get to my special serum. And not in a way that was pleasant might I add.”

“And for that I truly am sorry.” his body turned towards yours. By now, you were looking straight into his eyes.

“I don’t hate you if that’s what you’re worried about. It’s not like I can change what happened. Will I ever stop disliking you? Highly unlikely. But I’m too tired to feel hatred. I’m too tired for revenge. I’m not the person I used to be. The girl who worked for HYDRA? She would’ve killed you without a second thought. Me? I’m far past killing when it’s not necessary. I know what it does to a person. So, thanks for apologizing, Zemo. Let’s just keep this simple, alright? We’re working together. That’s it. I don’t have to like you to do that & I don’t need your pity. Because this problem....” you gestured between the two of you. “Is in the past. And I’d highly appreciate it if you didn’t mention it to the others. Understood?” Zemo’s nod was your sign to head back inside, leaving him on the balcony alone. It was good to talk about it. Now you just hoped that Zemo would keep his mouth shut. After this mission, you would go your separate ways again. Nothing more, nothing less.

“You sure you’re okay?” Bucky walked over to you, making sure that you two were alone.

“I’m fine, Buck.” you breathed out. “Headache is almost gone. Give me another hour & I’ll be good to go.”

“I’m not talking about your head.” he sat down next to you, his arms on his knees.

“Why, thanks for your concern.” you chuckled sarcastically.

“No, I mean…Of course I care about your well-being but I know you well enough that a little hit on your head won’t kill you. Though I gotta admit that you scared me a bit back there.”

“Is that so?” your eyebrows raised, your head turning to your side.

“What I’m trying to say is…Zemo didn’t do anything, did he?” his eyes showed concern.

“He just wanted to apologize for what happened back at Selby’s.” it was not a lie. Not the entire truth either but enough for now.

“When you’re ready to tell me everything, you know where to find me. I won’t pressure you to do anything you’re uncomfortable with. Come here.” he opened his arms & you gladly accepted his offer. So he saw through you. As he usually did. Maybe you would tell him what Zemo did all those years ago. Maybe when you were not as busy as right now. It was Bucky. He would never judge you. The exact opposite, actually. You were sure that he would help you through it. Because sharing your burdens made the weight lighter. In the future. That was what you told yourself. After everything decided to calm down a little more.

Again. Loud music. And it did not really help your head at all. Your headache had pretty much disappeared but the bass made it harder to keep it that way. Everyone around you was dancing, drinking alcohol & doing drugs. No, this was not your world. Zemo actually seemed to fit in quite well. You stood on the side, right next to Bucky. Mainly because he did not leave you out of his sight. Not after what Zemo pulled earlier.

“(Y/N), look.” Sam nudged you with his elbow. “Your husband has some moves. Damn.” he pointed over to the Baron who was throwing it down on the dancefloor.

“Could you please not call him my husband? It was hard enough not to kick him in the balls when he was all like “Oh, look at my Baroness.”. I still can’t believe I agreed on playing his pretend-wife.” you shook your head at the memory that was still so freshly present in your mind.

“I found it hilarious.” Sam admitted.

“Yeah? You know what I found hilarious?” Wilson motioned for you to continue. “When that bartender cut open the snake to put God knows what into your favorite drink.” Bucky & you laughed when Sam gagged at the drink he had to down.

“How was it like?” Bucky asked all of a sudden.

“How was what like?” your eyebrows furrowed.

“Pretending to be his wife.” there was something behind his eyes. Something you would describe as rage or maybe even…jealousy? Was he jealous? Deep down you hoped so.

“Like the worst nightmare ever.” that seemed to ease the tension a little, fortunately.

“Hey, guys. I found him.” Sharon joined you again.

“Here we go.” Sam eyed you & the four of you followed her.

It looked like you were at a harbor. Many containers. Whoever this guy was, he sure as hell did a great job with hiding here.

“Madripoor could give New York a run for its money.” Sam noted & you nodded at him.

“They know how to party.” Zemo added.

“With that bounty on your head, the longer you’re in Madripoor, the less likely you’re ever leaving.” Sharon kept looking at her phone for directions. Another thing you had found out was that after Selby was killed, there had been put a huge bounty on your head.

“What a comforting thing to say, Sharon.” you remarked with a hint of sarcasm & desperation.

“Welcome to Madripoor, (Y/N).” she met your eyes briefly, then added. “Alright. He’s in there. Container four-two-six-one” she gestured to a container that looked exactly like every other one around here. “I’ll keep an eye while you guys talk to Nagel. But hurry. We’re on burrowed time.” she handed each of you a little piece to put into your ear. That way, you were all connected together.

“Wait, wait, wait. Isn’t it better if I stayed with Sharon? I mean, It’s better to have two people out here, right?” you questioned.

“Not gonna happen.” Bucky grabbed your wrist to pull you closer to him. “You’re staying with me.”

“Your overprotective boyfriend’s right, (Y/N). I can handle myself just fine, trust me. You go talk to Nagel.” you rolled your eyes at her for calling Bucky your boyfriend.

“Aw, overprotective boyfriend. That’s cute.” Wilson joined the teasing. Of course he did.

“I hate you all so much.” you went ahead & approached the container, leaving the others behind. Bucky only clenched his jaw & shot Sam a look. One that made him snort. Then, he trailed behind you, making sure you were not too far away from where he was. So what? Maybe he was protective. It was not a bad thing. Besides, he saw what happened when he did not pay attention. No way in hell would he let you get into such a dangerous situation again. He actually told you to stay behind. After all, you were still hurt. Kind of. But you reassured him that you were fine. And they needed you.

Sam opened the heavy door, revealing a dark container.

“Hey, Sharon. You sure this is the right one?” Wilson asked. “It’s completely empty.”

“This looks like a trap, guys.” you noted.

“It has to be the right one. No trap.” Sharon told you over the coms. So you all entered. Staying behind a bit, you made sure to check the door. Just in case. If someone was about to trap you in, you would notice soon enough to stop it. Zemo turned on a flashlight, bringing a tiny bit of light inside the dark room. Was it a room? Container. Whatever, it did not exactly matter. Sam & Zemo checked out its entirety. Bucky & you still at the door. You heard something & saw the Baron pushing against the back of the container. A secret door. You should have guessed that. You pulled out your gun & followed them. Sam was first, then Zemo, then you & last but not least Bucky. That way, he could keep you in his sight. Music could be heard once you walked up the stairs. Yes, this looked like a lab. Gun at ready, you made sure it was clear. Bucky signaled you to stay behind him & you obeyed. If your were honest, you did not really feel safe without him around. So staying close to him was your preferred choice anyway. At the end of the room, a man was totally in his element, failing to notice your presence. Sam & Bucky nodded at each other, having another silent conversation. Then, they approached the man. You went ahead & stopped his music. That gained his attention. He turned around & faced you.

“Dr. Nagel?” Sam was the first to speak.

“Who are you? What do you want?” if this was the guy you were looking for then con-fucking-grats. He looked like he was insane.

“We know you created the super-soldier serum.”

“Get out of my lab.” he ordered but you stood your place. It took more for you to leave than such a little threat. Hell, it was not even a threat.

“I’m afraid we can’t do that, Doc.” your gun was still raised, not yet knowing the possible danger you were in. He went to walk away but stopped dead in his tracks when his eyes fell on Bucky.

“You know who he is, right?” Sam grabbed his arm to hold him in place. “This is Baron Zemo. And this…” he turned him so he had to look at you. “This is (Y/N). I know you’ve heard of her too, right?” as a form of greeting, you moved your fingers where blue sparks started forming. His eyes widened when he noticed. A smirk was making its way onto your face. Good thing if he was scared of you. “You seem like a pretty smart guy. So you better become conversational real quick.”

“How about a counter proposal?” that made your eyebrows raise. He was outmanned & he had the audacity to suggest that? Okay, strong move. “Make me a better offer & I’ll talk.” Sharon let you know that you had company. Maybe you should have stayed with her. Bucky noticed you wanting to move but his arm wrapped around your middle, holding you in place.

“No.” he whispered sternly & you rolled your eyes in annoyance. When you saw the look that he gave you, your gaze went down. No arguing with him, it seemed. Bucky then let you go & pushed Nagel onto a chair, gun pointing at his head. When he still did not start talking, Bucky gave a warning shot, right beside his head.

“Okay. Okay.” the doctor gave in. “I was brought into HYDRA’s Winter Soldier program to pick up their work after the five failed test subjects in Siberia. When HYDRA fell, I was recruited by the CIA. They had blood samples from an American test subject with semi-stable traces of serum in his system.” he was talking about Isaiah. “After much labor, I was able to isolate the necessary compounds in his blood.”

“Zemo? Maybe you should let him teach you how to successfully do that.” you mumbled, leaning a tiny bit closer to the Baron.

“Shut up.” he spat out, though there was something playful in his tone. Sam & Bucky looked at you confused but you simply brushed them off by a wave of your hand.

“I was a God.” he finished.

“Not really a Thor-like kinda guy but whatever helps you sleep at night.” you could not help but comment. The doctor then looked at you, clearly not pleased by what you said.

“I did what no other scientist since Erskine was able to do. But mine was going to be different. No clunky machines or jacked up bodies. Mine was going to be subtle, optimized, perfect.”

“How have we never heard about this?” excellent question, Sam. You had no clue.

“Because…Before I was able to complete my work, I turned to dust.”

“How unfortunate.” you rolled your eyes. Bucky silently told you to keep your comments to yourself. He only did that because he was concerned about you & did not want to risk anything. Nagel ignored you anyway.

“Then when I returned, it was five years later, the program had been abandoned, so I came here. The Power Broker was more than happy to fund the recreation of my work.”

“How many vials did you make?” Wilson kept asking the really important questions here.

“Twenty.” oh, awesome. “Karli Morgenthau stole those, so…I can only imagine what the Power Broker has planned for that poor girl.”

“Where’s Karli now?” you all silently agreed on letting Sam do the talking.

“I don’t know where she is.” oh, even more awesome. “But a couple of days ago, she called & asked if I could help someone named Donya Madani. Poor woman has tuberculosis. Typical of overpopulation in displacement camps like that.”

“Well, what happened to her?”

“Not my pig. Not my farm.”

“Is there any serum in this lab?” finally, Bucky asked a question. The gun pointed at the doctor’s head again when he did not answer right away.

“No.”

“And we’re just supposed to believe you?” you crossed your arms over your chest.

“If you believe me or not is none of my business.”

“Now what?” Bucky directed his words at you three. Shrugging your shoulders, you waited for the others to come up with a plan.

“Guys, we’re seriously outta time here.” you were surprised to see Sharon running in. Bruises were adorning her face. Whatever had happened out there, it was not pretty. The next thing you heard was a gunshot & when you looked over, you saw Zemo pointing a gun at a now dead Nagel. How the hell did he even get a gun?

“No!” Sam screamed. It was too late. Zemo was pushed against a wall by Wilson.

“What did you do?” Sharon breathed out, out of breath from her previous fights you assumed she had. The room around you exploded & you tried your best to shield your head with your arms. Bucky’s reflexes were faster than yours & he wrapped his arms around your form, his entire body keeping as much of the explosion from you as possible.

“You okay?” you did not hear his words but you read the question off of his lips. The ringing in your ears was almost too much. The headache that had faded, now being back worse than before. The lab would soon experience another explosion & the super soldier wasted no time in helping you get up. When your legs almost gave out, he picked you up bridal style & rushed out of the container with you in his arms. Your body was still weakened. But you had no time to think about the pain. There were people here who wanted you dead & you had to fight them. Whether you liked it or not.

“Alright! Wait for my signal!” Bucky yelled over the noises around you. Your hands were covered in blue flames, ready to attack. Ready to use your powers if needed. Fun fact: nobody waited for Bucky’s signal. Sam went off, shooting.

“Damn it. (Y/N), stay behind!” you were too focused to talk so you simply nodded. Hiding behind one of the containers. Still, you shot your gun. By now, you had realized that your powers were not really useful. Not in this moment. Your gun had to do. Your ears had not stopped ringing. The gunshots blazing around you did not help much after that explosion.

“Are you like living here?” Sam screamed, directing it at Sharon.

“It’s not terrible.” she answered in a haze.

“Oh, it’s lovely.” your usual sarcasm was back. You were running short on ammo & if you did not wrap this up quickly, you would actually have to use your powers.

“I thought we were going left?” the super soldier said through gritted teeth.

“You went the wrong way!” Sam shot back.

“I was clearing the way!”

“I came out first. You had to follow me.”

“And where are we now?”

“Guys, now’s not the time!” you ended their bickering right away. Tried to.

“This is a barricade.”

“It’s in every action movie!”

“If you don’t shut up right now…I swear I will pull a fucking Tom Cruise on you!” your voice was now at the same volume as theirs. That seemed to do the job. Children. You were working with freaking children. It was not even funny anymore. A third explosion caught you off guard. Again, Bucky shielded you from the force of it. How the hell did that happen anyway? And where the fuck was Zemo? Wait. Did he just blow up your surroundings? You would not be surprised if that was the case. It was him. You watched how he handled your opponents all by himself. Well, he could only do such a thing because you had caused them a good amount of damage already. Bucky motioned for you all to go & you did not think twice about it. The sooner you were away from this scene, the better. The gunshots were still going strong & when the super soldier noticed that you were not keeping up with their pace due to the pain you were still experiencing, he grabbed your wrist & dragged you along. Your legs did not want to move anymore. But you knew you could not stop now. Stopping would have you dead for sure.

“Buck!” Sam yelled over his shoulder. A door was opened & Bucky pretty much shoved you inside. Then, he grabbed a pipe & handled your attackers.

“Let’s go!” Wilson pulled him inside & closed the door right behind him. At least you had a second to breathe now. The super soldier grabbed your shoulder, eyebrows raising slightly, silently asking you if your were alright. A thumbs up from you answered it. He knew you were trying to play it cool but he decided against commenting on it. That could be done later.

Exiting the container again, a car came to a halt right in front of you. No way. Zemo. That motherfucker.

“Supercharged.” he smirked at your dumfounded expressions.

“I know I said I don’t hate you but the strong dislike is slowly starting to increase to an almost hate level.” you let him know.

“I can live with that.” Zemo’s winning smile did not falter.

“You’re going back to jail.” Sam was angry, his voice gave him away.

“Do you want to find Karli or not?” what kind of stupid question was that? Of course you wanted to find her.

“He’s right. We need him.” never in your wildest dreams had you ever expected Bucky to rely on Zemo. Yet, here you were. “And there’s three of us & at least twenty of them, come on.” Bucky opened the door for you to get in first. After you got seated, he entered himself.

“Fine. But if you try that shit again…” Sam’s finger pointed in a threatening way.

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

“Well, that was one hell of a reunion.” Sharon closed the door behind Wilson.

“Wait. You’re not coming with us? Sharon, come on.” you almost pleaded.

“I told you I can’t. Just get me that pardon you promised me.” now, she was talking to Sam.

“You take care, okay?” your concerning eyes met hers.

“I will. You too. But it looks like you have someone who looks after you anyway.” she winked at you before moving away. Of course she was referring to Bucky. Sharon was good at reading people.

“You’re not gonna move your seat up, are you?” Sam sighed & you giggled at the déjà vu moment.

“No.” Bucky replied simply.

“Zemo? Can you move your seat up?” you teased, not expecting anything to come out of it.

“Of course. My apologies for taking up too much space.” & he really went ahead & moved his seat up. Putting your face in your hands, you heard Sam & Bucky snicker. Zemo seemed oblivious to everything. Hell, you just wanted to sleep for the next few days. It was exhausting to be around those guys all the time. Luck had not really been on your side in Madripoor.

You were back on Zemo’s private jet. Bucky sitting opposite of you, cleaning his metal hand. You had an ice pack that you held to the back of your head. Sam had a phone call with Torres, giving him the information you had found out. And the Baron? Well, you did not really care what he did.

“You okay, Sam?” your voice was soft.

“Yeah.” your eyebrows furrowed at that. “Just thinking about all the shit Sharon had to go through.” so did you, actually. If you were not as lucky, you would have ended up like her. Most definitely. “And Nagel referring to the American test subject like Isaiah wasn’t even a real person. Just makes me wonder how many people have to get steamrolled to make way for this hunk of metal.” you gulped at that.

“Well, it depends on who you ask.” Bucky joined your conversation. “That hunk of metal saved a lot of lives. “

“I have to agree with Buck on this one…” your eyes trailed to your lap.

“Yeah, I get that. Alright. Maybe I made a mistake.”

“You did. A huge mistake.” your head snapped up again, eyes slightly glossy by just thinking about it. You would not let the tears fall, though. Not here. Not in front of them.

“Yeah.” sounded like he realized that he was in the wrong. “Maybe I shouldn’t have put it in a museum. Maybe I should have destroyed it.”

“Look, that shield represents a lotta things to a lotta people, including me.” Bucky’s words were low. He chose them carefully, you could tell. “The world is upside down, & we need a new Cap, & it ain’t gonna be Walker.”

“I’ll make fucking sure of that.” you chuckled shortly.

“So will I.” the super soldier nodded at you. His gaze fell to Sam a second after. “So before you go & destroy it, I’ll take it from him myself.”

“This isn’t what Steve wanted.” it was almost inaudible, yet, two pairs of eyes stared at you. “I’m sorry to break it to you, but Steve made that decision. He thought this through. He didn’t want you to give up the shield, Sam. And he didn’t want you to take on that role, Buck.” again, Sam’s phone rang & he picked up. Zemo came over & brought each of you a plate with food. Thanking him silently, you waited for Wilson to finish. The Baron sat down, glancing between you all.

“They found Madani...” Sam started. Finally, good news. “Dead.” shit, bad news. “She died in Riga, a city near the Baltic Sea.”

“I have a place we can go.” Zemo told you.

“Is there a place on this Earth that isn’t part of your property?” rolling your eyes, you laid back in your chair.

“Believe it or not, there is, (Y/N).” he started again. “I, for one, am looking forward to coming face to face with Karli. Oeznik, we’re changing the course.” he ordered.

Riga, Latvia. If you were honest, you were surprised that you still followed Zemo. After all, he was kind of a criminal. But so were you. Kind of.

“I heard what became of Sokovia.” the Baron started a conversation as you walked down one of the many streets. “Cannibalized by its neighbors before the land was given cleared of rubble, erased from the map. I don’t suppose any of you bothered visiting the memorial?”

“I did.” your confession made him stop in his tracks. An approving nod was all you received. Neither Sam nor Bucky knew about this. You did not find it worth mentioning.

“We are here.” Zemo stated.

“I’m gonna go on a walk.” Bucky spoke up all of a sudden. Turning around, you saw something behind his eyes. He noticed something. You were not sure what it was but you would find out.

“You good?” because obviously, Zemo cared so much for you all.

“I’ll come with you.” walking over to him, you eyed him carefully.

“I’m gonna go on a walk alone.” he emphasized the last word but you were having none of it.

“Last time I checked, you barely let me out of your sight. I’m coming with you. End of discussion.” your eyes bore into his. You were serious & it was clear as day that you would not let him out of your sight now. Bucky threw his head back in frustration & sighed out.

“Okay, come on.” one of his hands found yours & he dragged you with him. Leaving a very confused Sam & an even more confused Zemo behind.

Bucky went to pick up a small beeping ball. Your question got ignored. He told you if you really wanted to join his walk then he would let you know sooner or later. The two of you followed behind what seemed like a trail of those little objects. Unknowingly, your fingers were still intertwined with Bucky’s. Neither of you seemed to mind. Being smarter now, you just let him do whatever he wanted or needed to do. Answers would follow soon. After all, that was what he promised you. Bucky came to a halt in a backstreet. Holding up one of the balls, he started talking.

“You dropped something.” who the hell was he talking to? Turning around, you were shocked when a woman was standing in front of you. Tugging one of Bucky’s sleeves, he looked into the same direction as you.

“I was wondering when you were gonna show up.” did that mean that Bucky was expecting her? She seemed somewhat familiar but you did not remember where you had seen her before. Realization hit you when she started speaking in a language you definitely recognized. It was Wakandan. You even understood what she said.

“I’m here for Zemo.” whatever that meant, it could not be good.

~to be continued~

Next Chapter

Published (04/16/2021) by Cathy

Tags: @taina-eny​, @tanyaherondale​, @cool-ultra-nerd​, @toribentleyva​, @buckyandlokirunmylife​, @annadier​, @howlongtillidie​, @mizz-kraziii​, @theetherealbloom​, @millenniumloki​, @marvelbros-oneshots​, @ajbwasnthere, @bilesxbilinskixlahey​, @mystictimetravelcolor​, @dbrees256​, @sxpxrnxturxl, @dreamydreamerwriting​, @dolllstyles​, @angelicastiel​, @prettysbliss​, @infinitelyforgotten​, @sweetserendipity65​, @lilystilinskicullen​, @partypoisonsblog​, @btdsprayberry, @sarai-ibn-la-ahad​, @deamus-liv​, @simplybarnes​, @sethcohenluvr​, @sammypotato67​, @toribentleyva​, @farihafangirls​, @earthtonav, @lilacs-lavender​ (let me know if you wanna be tagged <3)

[natromanxoff]

Mercury Roadrunner's Interview about Freddie Mercury with Peter Freestone – Part I

Thanks very much to Mercury Roadrunner (Pavel Strashnyy) for letting me share his amazing interviews! Originally shared here. Check the tag "MR interview with Phoebe" to see the other parts.

Here are the 5 topics of this interview, beginning of each topic is written in bold:

1. Live Aid

2. The Works tour

3. "Mr. Bad Guy" album and recording period

4. "Heaven For Everyone", Freddie's habits about listening to music, opinions on Madonna, Montserrat

5. Swimming and memories about Los Angeles, Ibiza, Japan

Mercury Roadrunner: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We welcome you to the unofficial Russian Queen fan club special program. You can find our website at www.vk.com/queenrocks. I am knownn as Mercury Roadrunner. This year marks the 50th anniversary of Queen. And I’m very happy to say that this evening we have a very, very special guest here with us, and it is an opera critic, a book lover, biographer and writer, and close friend, confident and personal assistant of Freddie Mercury, Mr Peter Freestone. Hello, Peter. How are you? Peter Freestone: Hi. I am… okay. I’m good, I’m good. What can I say? I’m good. PS: You are good and you are very happy to join the other Queen fans who would be very happy to hear you finally talking. And the first topic is about your personal memories. It’s a historic date but what are your own personal memories of 13th of July, the Live Aid day, what were your feelings in general on that day? PF: For me, I suppose, it was just another show… [laughs] PS: Really? PF: Because I worked for Freddie and he was going to do a show. I didn’t separate that from all the other performers that were going to be there, that made it such an incredible day. And not only in London, when they were also performing in America as well at the same time. When the satellite was showing something from London, then it showed something from Philadelphia, then back to London again. So to say, for me it was… another day. It wasn’t even as though there were such a big show because we’d played stadiums in South America. So, it wasn’t the size of the audience. I suppose, when it really struck me what was happening was when the band went onto stage. And the roar from the crowd was absolutely amazing. Again, it wasn’t so different from normal shows because they’d actually rehearsed for their twenty minutes. You know, there was four days’ rehearsal. So to say, it was normal, it was normal work, it was a short show. But then, thing is, it was in daylight and Freddie could actually see the audience. And from the back of the stage, we could look through holes in the back, you know, the screen in the back. And we could see what the band could see. And… then it sort of struck me that, actually, this is something very special. And then I was really so very, very proud of them. At the end of their set, when, again, the audience reaction was indescribable. What they had done in those twenty minutes, they had picked up the whole audience, shook it around and put them back down again. PS: Indeed. PF: So, yeah, that was what I felt. PS: And do you remember some of Freddie’s jokes, maybe, during the day, the way he interacted with other superstars, like David Bowie or others? PF: The thing is, he [Freddie] was just one person amongst his peers, you know. All of the bands were names, they were bands. And the thing I have found, and this goes all the way – the real professionals are the most normal, approachable people on earth. It’s the wannabes who have the attitude of “Don’t you know who I am?” and who behave like stars, because stars behave like human beings. Real stars, they can be just like the rest of us. There was a time when Freddie just wanted to be on his own, you know, with just his friends, with his group of people. But I mean, there’s a few photographs of him chatting with various people, like Elton John and David Bowie. I remember seeing them with him, and Adam Ant. And, of course, he had friends along; I think Wayne Sleep was there as well. In his life, he [Freddie] needed people around him that made him laugh. And so, he still had that. David Bowie and he had been friends for so long. Elton [and he] had been friends for even longer. So, it was actually a chance for them to sit and catch up rather than, you know, being in front of the world press. They liked to spend time on their own, you know, talking to each other, really talking, not putting on a show. PS: So, I imagine that backstage on that day Freddie felt pretty much joyful and relaxed, right? PF: Yeah, on the day of the show, I never really saw Freddie nervous…

because, the thing is, it was too late by then [to be nervous]. You know, there was no point in being nervous anymore because the show was going to go on whether you were nervous or not. So, why be nervous? Just, you know, get on and do the show, enjoy yourself. PS: And do you remember, where did the idea of Freddie and Roger joining the Band Aid on stage in the final song, “Do They Know It’s Christmas”, came from? Or was it totally a spontaneous idea for them to join the others? PF: I think the idea at that point was that anybody who was around, who would stay on to the end – because don’t forget the show had started in the afternoon, so not everybody was going to be waiting – but then anybody who was left, who wanted to join, could go and join. There was no strict “You must do this, you have to do this, you have to be there”. It’s “If you want to, by all means come and do it.” PS: And we even have a picture of both of you, Freddie and you, on that day when Freddie wears a white shirt for “Is This The World That We Created”, and you stand right next to him and it’s a beautiful picture. PF: And Queen were the only band that actually kept their dressing room. Because all the other bands had to vacate their dressing room half an hour after they’d performed, so that the next band could come and use it. But because Brian and Freddie were performing “Is This The World That We Created” at the end, they got to keep their dressing room from the time they arrived. [laughs] PS: So they spent the rest of the day after the show in their dressing room? PF: Well, in or around their dressing room, yes. PS: They, like, had their Royal Queen place there. PF: That’s it. Anybody else had to go into the Hard Rock Café. There had to be a tent, you know, hospitality tent there. And most people ended up in there because they were not allowed into their dressing rooms, they didn’t have dressing rooms after that. So… that also helped Freddie relax. [laughs] PS: Like, his little bit of his own, right? PF: Yes. PS: All right. So, the second topic is about you, Peter. And you are credited as a “band party” member on The Works tour. Can you please clarify what a band party meaning is? Because I am assuming it’s like an entourage but it will be nice to hear the expanded definition from you. PF: Yeah, the band party, I think, was about ten or twelve people. It was the band members, their assistants – me, Chris Taylor was there, and Paul Prenter was there. If Jim Beach was on the tour at the time, he would have been part of the band party too. And some of the time Gerry Stickells was there. But often he would be ahead, making sure that everything was ready for when the band arrived. But that was it. There was about ten people. And there were baggage tags for each member of the band party. That’s why I know because I had Number 9, I think. And there were about twelve, I think, altogether, because at one point at the beginning I used to have to collect the band party baggage, so that’s why I always knew which were, even though I wouldn’t know whose bag was what. It would have one of these crew tags on it, so I just picked up and I knew that there were going to be twenty bags, so I just picked the twenty bags. But they were easy to identify because of these tags. PS: I see. And what is your own favourite memory about The Works tour and about this time, like, 1984, 1985? Maybe the Rio shows? PF: Yeah, I mean Rio was… amazing. The feeling from that crowd… you know, something like 350,000 people. Oh, you can’t beat that. And when you’re flying in a helicopter over that crowd, it was stunning. But the thing is, I know this sounds really, really stupid but [laughs]… one thing I will always, always remember from that tour was, remember, in the back of the stage you had these wheels that turned every now and then, not constantly but just every now and then. That was because there was… the guy looking after Roger’s drums and me who actually turned those wheels. And there was no set cue or anything that, “Oh, it has to start on this bar, on this song.” No, it

was when he wasn’t doing anything and I wasn’t doing anything, we’d say “Ok, let’s go and do it.” And we turned the wheels for a couple of minutes and then left them alone. He had then to do something for Roger and I would just sit there like I always did. And then you’d go back and you’d turn the wheels, like a hamster. We were like hamsters… So, that’s my memory of The Works tour. PS: And how technically did you operate those wheels? How was it possible? PF: With your hands. You just grabbed hold, you know, because it was like cogs on a wheel, and you just grabbed hold of them. Because we would be behind, I mean, I was always on John Deacon’s side, so I was hidden behind his bass setup. And you just pulled on the cogs because the whole wheel was on a metal axle and you just held there and you just pulled it down. PS: And the wheels actually were the real wheels, the big ones, right? PF: The very big ones in the back that moved, yeah. And they were made of, I think, polystyrene and plywood. So they weren’t very heavy. PS: So it was, like, actually you taking a part in the show, like, directing this? PF: Yes, I mean, you know, this is how things used to work in the old days before half of you were born. [laughs] You had to use your hands. I don’t think that a Queen tour as it is now is manual anymore. Everything is “push buttons” in it. PS: Yes, so it was indeed like the works, you had to work to make it work, right? PF: Yes, but nobody knew that’s how it works. They just saw these wheels turning every now and then. PS: It’s like a kind of magic indeed… PF: Yes, this was the whole thing with the Queen show – that people saw things happening but didn’t try and think “Oh, how do they do that?” If I see a big show now, I just think “How do they do that?” You’re not listening to the music anymore, you’re thinking “How do they get this to move? How do they get that?” But in the old days, you never did that, you just saw it move and it was part of the show. PS: You were just enjoying it, you didn’t have the time to analyse it. PF: Yeah. PS: I see. That’s a great memory, Peter. So, the third topic is about Freddie’s solo album, “Mr. Bad Guy” Freddie firstly wanted to name his solo album Made In Heaven and he even mentions that title in an interview with David Wigg. Why did he later decide to call it Mr Bad Guy? PF: I think he felt that Mr Bad Guy represented him more than Made In Heaven. And the lyrics to that song, everything. It sort of was very much about him. I think that’s why it changed. I actually love that song because it is real orchestra on it. And I was in the studio. I mean, it’s not a massive studio, so what they had to do, they had to record each section, so the strings section was there and recorded all their parts. And they went out. And woodwind recorded all their parts. Then brass recorded their parts. Then timpani came in and recorded. You know, they could not do everything together, so it was actually really quite complicated. But the end result, I think, is great. It reminds me very, very much of “The Carnival of the Animals”, the old classical piece. That was written by Camille Saint-Saëns. But that is what I’m immediately reminded of when I listen to “Mr Bad Guy”, you know. [starts to hum the song] You know, all the different pieces of the orchestra doing it, repeating it. Now, that for me is my favourite part. PS: I also enjoy it, I adore it. It’s truly a work of art from Freddie. PF: Yes, definitely, definitely. And I agree with him because it does represent him, multifaceted. You know, you never expect… He never gives you something that you expect. He always gives you something that will surprise you. PS: Yes. And why bad guy, why do you think Mr Bad Guy? Why bad? PF: Because… anytime in the press, there was never anything saying what a lovely man he is. So why not live up to his reputation? PS: Yes, it’s like “Yes, I’m everybody’s Mr Bad Guy,” yes. PF: Yes, this is it. This is what people want to believe, so this is what I will be. PS: Yes. And why do you think his first title was exactly not some

other track title but exactly “Made In Heaven”? Why was his first idea about exactly this song, to call the album this way? PF: I don’t know, I really cannot answer that one for you. I don’t know why he thought of that. Maybe he thought that would be the most popular track. A very popular track. PS: Yeah, it’s a hit song, totally remindful, yeah. And what was Freddie mostly like during the recording? What’s your favourite memory of him in this period? PF: That’s a lot more difficult because it was a difficult time. Munich. It took him far too long to create it. In the end, he was more interested in going out and spending time with Barbara Valentin than he was in creating work. I mean, the amount of time… he would turn up in the studio at two o’clock. Because he always turned up at two o’clock. It was pointless staying or coming at ten because he wouldn’t. And the thing is, it’s a singer’s voice, he’s not really ready to use [it] until later on in the afternoon. Once he’s warmed up properly and everything else. But the thing is, by four o’clock the phone would be ringing and Barbara was bored, so Freddie would run over and go out with her. So it was hard. And sometimes it felt like he was forcing himself to enjoy himself. Because he also felt bad, because he knew he should have been working, but he was letting his arm be twisted very, very, very easily. Yeah, I mean, okay, yes, he did enjoy himself when he was with Barbara, but he also had in the back of his mind that he was supposed to be working. PS: But the final result, I think, is totally great, he’s so much presented there. PF: It wasn’t the commercial success that people were expecting, but I think Freddie was happy with it in the end. PS: Yeah, it’s, like, his self-portrait songs. PF: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It got that music out of his system so that when he was back with Queen he was thinking more of the band stuff than, you know, things that the band would be happy with and just him happy with. Also, the thing is, Freddie did miss the rest of the band. He would never admit it but if you listen to some of the instrumentals on some of his solo tracks you could imagine Brian playing the guitar, you could imagine John playing the bass. You know, he missed having the band around him. PS: I see, I see. Even though it was his only first experience as his solo work, he already missed the other boys. PF: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the thing is, all his recording before Mr. Bad Guy had always been with other people around. You know, even when he was producing the Peter Straker album, he had friends around him doing things. This was him on his own and it was all on his shoulders. PS: Yeah, and he worked on this album perfectly, it’s absolutely a masterpiece, yeah. So, the fourth topic is about Freddie’s and Roger’s connection. There is a story that Freddie heard Roger’s song “Heaven For Everyone” and he liked it so much that he wanted to sing it, and in the end The Cross, Roger Taylor’s band, released a version with Freddie’s vocals on it. And do you remember, had Freddie ever listened to Roger’s solo albums at home? PF: Freddie didn’t really listen to very much of anybody’s music at home. The only thing I remember... well, okay, yes, I remember putting on videos of Prince. But, musically, we would put on, we would buy every one that came out. It was a series of CD’s and albums, of course, before the CD’s, Now That’s What I Call Music. And what it would be, would be the sort of top hits of two months or something. And they would all be on Now That’s What I Call Music 1, then Now That’s What I Call Music 2. I think it’s on to Now That’s What I Call Music 373 at the moment. I don’t know. That was the music that he would put on, it was the music of the time. Because, you know, for his own music, for Queen music, that was work for him. And what concerns Freddie listening to Roger’s albums - probably what it would’ve been he would’ve listened to it when he and Roger met up. But it wouldn’t necessarily be at home they would put on the album. They would meet up and Roger would say,

“Oh, you must hear, listen to this, you have to hear this. This is something I’ve been working on,” you know, that sort of thing. PS: I see. And, you mentioned Freddie enjoying Prince, and it connects me with the fifth topic and it’s about the musician of the same age as Prince and it’s, like, a connection of Freddie Mercury from Queen and the Queen of Pop who is known as Madonna. What was Freddie’s attitude to Madonna? Because it’s almost impossible to imagine that he never ever mentioned her or never talked about her. PF: He admired her as… a woman surviving and winning in basically a man’s world. Yeah, because she was a power. And for that he admired her. Some of the music he quite liked. But there’s also the other side of the coin. Freddie, for all he was, had one security with him whenever he went out or everything. And Freddie felt that Madonna was actually attracting attention to herself rather than protecting herself. When she would go running in Hyde Park with ten security, you know, he said, “If she went with one person, people wouldn’t even notice her, but because she’s got ten people around her, then the whole world is going to notice. And you are best safe not like that but if you have just one person.” So, I mean, for that side he didn’t understand her thinking, but for her musical acumen and for her performance he thought she was fine, she was good. PS: And what is your personal attitude to Madonna? Do you like her? PF: Again, some of the things she’s done I think are very, very good. I don’t know, the more recent stuff I’m not so keen on. But all the first ten years or whatever of her stuff, I loved it. Yeah. Because, again, she never copied, she always did her own thing, and she never repeated herself. And I love originality. PS: And what is your own favourite memory about Freddie and Montserrat, Barcelona story in general? PF: I suppose it would have to be the actual recording of “Barcelona” because that was the first track that was completed. Freddie had sent Montserrat a tape giving her a guide vocal. Mike Moran had written out the music for her and sent it. So when she came in, when she arrived, she was fully, fully prepared for what was going to happen. But I remember being with Freddie after she’d done the first tape of her vocals for Barcelona, and… there were almost, almost, I mean, there were tears down his face. He was saying, “I now have the greatest voice in the world singing my music.” And that will always stay with me, always. PS: I see, so it was, like, very deep for him. And what is your favourite memory of Montserrat as a person? PF: Ah, a lot of memories. I went to pick her up at the airport, took her to the hotel, I would go and meet her at the hotel, go with her to the studio, all of that sort of things. And I was only in the studio when Montserrat was there. And when she was actually putting her vocal tracks down, the track was basically finished. I saw her so many times after the recording as well. You know, I went to see different performances of her. And it was because of her that I was actually at the Palais Garnier in Paris. You know, the opera house in Paris. Because she actually did an AIDS Gala there. And she invited me to go. I think… her laughter. It’s just like Freddie’s. Because whenever people ask me what’s my first memory, what is the memory that first comes to my mind of Freddie, and it’s always him laughing. And it’s the same with her. Whether she’s just finished a performance or actually when she’s doing a recital or a concert. And during her encores, she is always giggling and laughing. Amazing giggle. Because she likes to bring the audience in during the encores. And she’s got this infectious giggle. She invited me to the first night ever of her performing Isolde in “Tristan and Isolde” in Barcelona. And talking with her afterwards, I said, “You must know how wonderful it is for me to be coming here, to be seeing it, to be listening to you.” And she says, “Of course, you’re part of the family.” So, that really has always stuck with me. PS: So, the next topic for

today is Freddie spending time just making any kind of normal activities. And the question is firstly about his swimming skills – could Freddie actually swim, and if yes, did he enjoy it? PF: I never saw him swim. Never. I don’t know if he could swim. I’ve often thought about that and I never saw it. He didn’t… thinking about it, we went on a motor boat when we were at Pike’s hotel in Ibiza one time. And he didn’t look the most comfortable. So, I really don’t know if he could actually swim. I never saw him in a swimming pool or anything like that. Even when there was a swimming pool around, I never saw him in it. PS: But speaking of other activities, for example, you mentioned your staying at Pike’s hotel, he liked to play tennis there, right? PF: Yes. And, of course, when he was younger he was very good at table tennis. So, yeah, he enjoyed tennis. When we were living together with Freddie in Los Angeles, in that house, there was a tennis court as well and he played there a few times. PS: I see. And what are your other memories of Los Angeles? PF: Los Angeles. Also I remember in Los Angeles it was in L’Ermitage hotel when Queen were designing the Hot Space album cover there. They were there, maybe, even rehearsing for a tour or something. That’s the hotel I was staying in at that time. It was just this concrete glass and… stainless steel… and chrome. It was a very, very modern hotel. I remember, there were all band members, I was there, Chris Taylor was there, Paul Prenter was there. And they were throwing ideas around. And that’s where Freddie came up with the colours. “That’s the hot space, the space is the colours, hot colours.” PS: Ah, so it has something to do with image, with colour as you see it… PF: Yeah, yeah, yeah. PS: The hot like the bright one, right? A definitive one. PF: Yeah, yeah. PS: And he drew, like, a draught of the cover, right? Because he is credited as designer. PF: They were talking about which colours and then who would be which colour and then what they would put on each colour. You know, when they started talking about, not necessarily a profile but just picking out the aspects that people recognize from each artist, like Brian and his hair, Freddie and his moustache, you know, that sort of thing. PS: And so, each member chose the colour for himself by his own, right? PF: Yeah, yeah, yeah. PS: And how do you think, why Freddie chose the red colour? PF: Because it’s the colour that sticks out the most, although red was not his favourite colour, his favourite colour was yellow. But red is the one that you first look at. If you look at every sale, you know, big sale signs and everything, it’s always red on white. Because red is the colour you notice more. Apparently, whether it’s true or not, I don’t know, but in the old days police stopped more red cars than any other car. PS: Oh, really? PF: Yeah. Just psychologically red is the colour that stands out. PS: And Freddie being so outstanding wanted to strike everybody. PF: Yeah. PS: I see. And you mentioned Freddie and you spending time at Pike’s hotel. And what is also your personal favourite memory of this time. PF: I suppose the swimming pool was actually something nice. To actually think that we were in the swimming pool where Wham had recorded “Club Tropicana”. I mean, yeah, Pike’s. It was a nice hotel. They treated you well. They treated you personally, you know, they took care of you. And so it was a nice place. You really felt well-treated. PS: And what was, like, the top of the top on Freddie’s 41st birthday? What are your memories? PF: The most ridiculous thing is when guests went off into a corner and started smoking, so they weren’t smoking at the table and set light to the decorations. There were all these paper decorations hanging down the walls and everything. And people were there smoking and not looking at what they were doing, and they set light to them with their cigarettes. And then they started throwing alcohol to try and, you know, because it was wet they thought they would put the flames out. I mean, some people are not

very, very bright. [laughs] PS: I see. And what was your favourite memory of his previous one birthday, in 1986, the hat party? PF: Now, the hat party was a one-off, there was no other party quite like that, in Garden Lodge. Not with two hundred and something guests. Because the thing is, the thing that I loved about the fact was that nothing was put away. None of his vases or, you know, anything was put on tables. All the antiques and everything. Everything was left there. Because, okay, there were two hundred people but he actually knew them. He knew he could trust them. PS: And what was it like for him when he arrived back from his magnificent journey to Japan? PF: The thing is, it extended because he was then back home opening up all the packages that had arrived and the crates that had arrived. Because everything was sent over as soon as he bought it. So, the big room, the small room. Everything, all the rooms were full. And these, he had twelve of them. So, it was like Christmas. You know, a six-week Christmas. Because he was away enjoying himself and then opening up and putting it all around the house. PS: So, he was actually in Japan for six weeks, right? PF: No, no, he was in Japan, I think, for about three weeks. But then when he came back, he had three weeks of opening up and putting them all out. PS: So, he had a chance to enjoy his presents one more time, like, actually having them all. PF: Precisely, precisely. PS: So, it was, like, double joy – first to buy it and then to enjoy it at home. PF: Yes, yeah, yeah. PS: And mostly he bought antiques, right? PF: Yeah, I mean, he did actually buy some modern porcelain and things, but almost everything was antique. Almost everything. PS: I see. It was indeed a magic year for him. The Magic tour and the magic holiday… PF: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely. PS: I see, I see. So, as we are ending our first part by now, I’m saying to you a very, very big thank you, Peter. It’s amazing to hear all these stories about Freddie. PF: It’s been a pleasure, it’s a pleasure. SPECIAL THANKS TO VALUREX FOR CONTRIBUTION AND ASSISTENCE TO BE CONTINUED

[onewithnomightypowers]

clandestine (chapter 7)

PAIRING: Tom Holland x fem!Reader

SUMMARY: Y/N is an up and coming actress, married to a once hotshot actor, Harrison (Haz). What happens when her co-star, Tom, makes her realise that she is stuck in a loveless marriage. A marriage starts crumbling and a new romance stars brewing.

chapter 7: rabbit hole

A/N: i do not encourage cheating. omg THE LAST CHAPTER!!!! i hope you guys like this chapter!! feedback is always appreciated. thanks for reading <3

warnings: drinking, cursing, hate comments

word count: 1.6k

important: bold and italic are character thoughts

series masterlist   main masterlist   chapter 6

Love, easy it comes and easy it goes. Y/N and Haz’ calamitous love had no tracks ahead of it. The only thing they could do was jump off the train before it crashed and burned. Y/N took that step and fell on Tom’s doorstep. When Haz saw her leave, he understood that hurt couldn’t save a dying soul, so he jumped too, causing their marriage to fall off a hill.

They left the hobbit’s room with a sea of change in their aura. Both had bloodshot eyes from all the rivers they swam through. “I will go settle the tab”, Haz said without meeting her eyes. Y/N walked towards her driver, Arnold, who was standing near the main entrance, eager to tell her about the situation outside.

“There is a herd of paparazzi out there, ma’am”, he said.

Y/N hummed in acknowledgment.

“Shall we go?” Haz walked over to them.

“Yeah”, her voice was small and dry.

Arnold opened the door and stayed ahead to make way for them in between the storm of people. They were all screaming something over one another, making it hard to understand. Haz and Y/N had their heads down, trying to hide the stained cheeks from the blinding lights. Haz clutched Y/N’s hand protectively, out of habit.

They made their way inside the car, parked not so far away from the pub.

“You can stay with me tonight, you’re leaving for New York tomorrow morning anyway”, Y/N said looking outside the window.

“It's fine Y/N, I can get a hotel room”

“No, I insist”, her eyes focused on the lamp heads passing them by.

“Okay, I’ll take the couch”

“You can sleep on the bed, with me”

Haz found Y/N’s hand in the dark backseat and squeezed it affectionately.

That night was the last time they slept together in the same bed. When Y/N woke up the next morning, he was already gone. He left a note on the refrigerator that read, ‘thank you for everything’. A bittersweet smile took over her face.

Y/N needed some time to herself, but she also needed to inform people about her decision. She craft an email to her manager, agent and her lawyer. All of them were sent the exact same email.

Harrison and I have decided to end our marriage. I would like to file for divorce as soon as possible, and the process should be civil. I will be unavailable for a few days, so do what you have to with the news.

Y/N

She also sent her parents that email but as a text on the family group chat.

It’s short and to the point, let’s hope they don’t call me with a million questions.

When it came to Tom, she noticed that he had sent her an image a few seconds ago. It was a screenshot of a TMZ article. The headline was, ‘Y/N left her movie premiere early to meet her husband’, it wasn’t jarring but the photo underneath the headline was. Haz was holding Y/N’s hand as tightly he physically could, both of their bodies looked tired and Y/N’s makeup was all messed up. She hadn’t noticed any of that in the moment, last night.

Tom sent her another text.

Tom: Are you ok?

Y/N: not really, I’m filing for divorce

Tom: oh, do you want me to come over?

Y/N: I think I want some time to myself right now

Y/N: I’ll probably watch Gilmore girls the whole weekend

Tom: ok, I’m here if you need anything

Tom: love you

Y/N: you too

---

On Monday, the news broke. The whole world now knew that their marriage was over. The news outlets tried their best to be creative with headlines.

‘Their kingdom has come and gone: Harrison and Y/N file for divorce’

‘Harrison and Y/N, Hollywood’s perfect couple not so perfect anymore’

These were some of the most impressive ones according to Y/N’s management team but they decided to keep it to themselves. No one had heard from Y/N since Saturday. Even though she had told them that she would be unavailable, they still sent emails, warning her to stay off social media sites, especially twitter, the creator of hate wagons.

Twitter was not kind to her at all. Their divorce was trending in the entertainment section. Many people thought that it was their right to comment on this situation. They had a lot to say, mostly about Y/N.

Y/N would often find herself diving into the rabbit hole of her trending tag. She would read almost everything they had to say about her, the good and the bad, but the bad overwhelmed the good.

‘She was only in it to get famous’

‘She ugly if I was Harrison then I would drop that ass too’

‘She is so fake’

‘Harrison is better off without her’

‘She was def cheating on him’

‘Why would someone even love Y/N’

She didn’t notice, but this was getting to her. She would constantly stare at her reflection, picking her appearance apart because someone on the internet called her ugly. Y/N would rethink everything she ever said in front of the media wondering whether she sounded fake or not. She would wake in the middle of the night, pacing like a ghost, thinking she didn’t deserve Tom at all and that he would realise soon enough.

All would be lost.

Even though she thought no one noticed that she was slowly losing her mind, Tom did. He would look at her touching her face, getting lost in deep thoughts. He could feel her tossing and turning in the bed, every night. He would look through her while she’s looking through her phone. Her leg would never stop fidgeting while at rest. He noticed everything.

He took it upon himself to save her from the demons. It was late evening, Tom picked Y/N up from the set. The whole ride home, Y/N was on her phone, mindlessly scrolling through her twitter, reading every inch and every corner. No words could escape her.

When they reached home Y/N informed Tom that she was going to take a shower. Tom was in the kitchen getting the food ready, when he saw Y/N’s phone unattended on the kitchen island. He was tempted to go through with his plan.

He picked up her phone and unlocked it, he knew her password. He went on deleting every social media app from her phone and also changed his contact DP on her phone. Earlier it was an embarrassing childhood photo, he changed it to a scanned Polaroid photo of them together.

Y/N came out with a towel tied up her head. She grabbed two plates from the cabinet and set them on the island.

“What are you making?” she asks him.

“Rice paper rolls”

“So we’re having Vietnamese today, interesting”, she grabbed her phone to check her Instagram.

Where the fuck are all my apps?

“I think my phone has some defect, the Instagram and twitter apps got deleted”, Y/N says vigorously swiping through her phone.

“That’s not a defect I did that”, Tom served the dinner.

“You did what? You have no right to go through my phone and delete apps without my permission, Tom.”

“It’s for your own good, all of that shit was getting to your head”, he said calmly.

“No it wasn’t” she poorly defended herself.

“Yes it was, you were letting some random divs tell you what you are worth. That’s fucked up, babe”

She lets out a loud grunt, filled with frustration.

They both ate in silence, only the crunch of vegetables audible.

After Tom was done with his dinner, he got up, placed his dish in the sink, picked up his coat from the sofa and walked towards the door. Y/N’s eyes never stopped following his figure.

“I think I should go back to my apartment”, before Y/N could reply, Tom was out of the door.

They didn’t talk for a day but Y/N realised how peaceful she felt without having other people’s opinions being fed to her constantly. She felt less insecure about her body, her personality and especially Tom.

He loves me so much that he was ready to invade my privacy to help me.

She decides to call Tom, noticing the unfamiliar photo on his contact. The phone rung, he picked it up on the second ring.

“You little shit changed your photo, huh” her smile was audible.

“I did and I’m sorry”

“No, I’m sorry. You were right, I do feel better with all the noise gone, but you know what would make me feel much better, you, here with me”

---

Tom came over almost instantly, it was like he was already halfway to her apartment when she called. They were on the couch, watching a movie on Y/N’s laptop. Y/N had her head on Tom’s lap and he was playing with her hair.

Holding her breath, Y/N slowly said, “You didn’t need to save me, you know”

“I know”, he replies nonchalantly.

“But the real question is, would you run away with me?”

“Of course, where to darling?”

“Somewhere no one can find us and it’s only the two of us”, she scrunches her face.

“Do you remember the first time we kissed, at the pub?”

“Yeah”, she replied, fondly remembering that moment.

“You said we should go to Ireland together and I said don’t make empty promises”

“Well, do you want to run away to Ireland with me?”

“Yes”, he bent downwards and kissed her softly.

THE END

@mysticapples17 @storybookholland @flqwsome  @hollandstanevans