#bob christfuck

[seat-safety-switch]

When I first proposed a bill demanding that all owners of Mercedes B-classes be rounded up and executed, I caught a lot of heat for it from caucus. They couldn’t imagine that such a flagrantly anti-capital bill would be bipartisan, no matter how much I crowed about it. “Hell,” my chief of staff said, “I’m not even sure it’s unipartisan.” Then I threw him out a second storey window, because I’ve got no room in my administration for guys who want to drink the haterade. That put the rest of them in line.

It’s easy to get legislation on the move: the first step, I say, talking to the camera, is to get the votes whipped. I immediately presented the key opponents of the initiative with a series of gifts: OEM fanbelts for their air-cooled Volkswagens, detailing supplies for their water-cooled ones, and a junkyard two-for-one coupon to the weird guy in the back who drove a Simca to work.

The next step is negotiation. Just like buying a used car, you don’t want to come out with your bottom line. I pretended to act offended when I allowed them to wear me back down to only executing those Mercedes B-class owners we could catch. Now we had broad-spectrum approval, and there was some serious momentum behind the vote, especially when I told Bob Christfuck (R-VT) that he could repurpose the intercoolers from those Mercedes, give his constituents some jobs. Everyone likes jobs, Bob.

Sure, maybe I overreached a little bit trying to work in a few side deals here and there. Tim Nuclearapocalypse (I-CT) wanted a guarantee that his riding would get the contract for the bullets that we would pump into the screaming forms of these victim-consumers, but I was still pretty steamed at him for not sending me the link to that Craigslist ad for the Renault GTA fast enough the other day. My hubris there likely cost me at least one vote.

At last, like any good car deal, you are left with a useless piece of paper you signed and now regret. As the congressmen I had worked so hard to whip leaned back in their overstuffed desk chairs and listened to their constituents sing their praises over this glorious new bounty that will restore an American Golden Age, all I could see was that I forgot to include Smart Cars too.