#bo burnham the chicken | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

qonderstruck · 9 months ago

Text

WHADDUP TUM BUGS IT'S ME, YA GIRL

my pals told me to put this here, so it's also your problem now.

Cheers.

(this was like ten pages long last time I checked so if you're not ready to commit to the bit just keep scrolling my guys/gals/non-binary pals/ect. On with the program.)

...

Orange You Glad I Didn’t Say Banana?

Knock, knock, knock. The bangs on the door shake the entire apartment, as they gradually grow louder, and more impatient. Knock. Knock. Knock. The owner groans as he groggily wakes up from his slumber on the old, crusty, couch. He looks towards the digital clock on the coffee table to the side of the couch, the one closest to his head. It’s supposedly often that he finds himself like this. And though he so often finds himself like this, he doesn’t move the clock, or the table for that matter, to the other end of the couch to save him from contorting his neck. 2AM. Who on earth would want him at this hour? He himself could only name a few.

Knock, knock, knock. “Open up, we know you’re in there.”

“Who is it?”

“It’s the police. We have a warrant”

The once sleepy suspected perp quickly stumbles off of the couch and towards the door, his heart beat racing. There was one thing going through his mind-- Shit, shit, SHIT! as he slowly opens the door. It is then quickly thrown open by the pertaining officer from the other side, and the rest of the police force pile into the small city apartment. The lights are quickly flicked on, and now everybody can be seen. The owner winces at the newly prominent source of light.

“Who are you?”

“Officer Apple of Seedcinati City Police Department,” Officer Apple says, pointing his gun at the confused fruit in front of him, “Put your stem where I can see ‘em.”

“What? What the hell are you talking about?”

“Barry B. Nana, you are under arrest for extortion, and other gang related crimes.”

“Gang related…? Wait--”

“You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be held against you in the court of law--”

“WAIT!!!”

The room is stunned to silence. B. Nana huffs. “I was never part of a gang, and I most certainly never partook in any form of extortion. You have the wrong guy. But…” Nana pauses for a brief moment, “I think I know who you’re looking for.”

🍎🍌🍊

“It should all be right here.”

“We thank you for your cooperation, Mr. Nana. But we’re still going to need you to come in for further questioning” Officer Apple replies.

“Yeah, yeah, I get it.”

Officer Apple nods. “We’ll see you in court Mr. Nana.”

“See ya then, I guess. I gotta split.”

As Officer Apple leaves to exit the building, it looks as if a discernible amount of weight is lifted off of him.

“We’re finally going to get this asshole”

🍎🍌🍊

“Officer Apple, sir? Chief Choke wishes to see you.”

Officer Apple is busy pushing pens at his desk and staring off into space. He gives the secretary a half-hearted answer. “Thank you Cherry, I’ll go see him as soon as I can.”

Cherry puts her foot down. “He would prefer it if you went now, sir.”

Officer Apple sighs. “Very well then.”

The door to the Chief of Police’s office opens slowly with a creak. Officer Apple enters. “Hey Artie, what’s up? You look pretty beaten up.”

Chief Choke lets out a long sigh. “Not as beaten up as Barry B. Nana, unfortunately,” he says as he slides a pile of photographs and write-ups across his desk. Officer Apple takes a seat, and shuffles through the papers. “He was found dead in an alley near his apartment. Pretty beat up too, his peel pretty bruised. Insides mashed out onto the sidewalk. We suspect that is was--”

“Orange” Officer Apple interrupts. Chief Choke nods. “Son of a bitch.”

🍎🍌🍊

“Hey Honey, how was work?” Clementine, Officer Apple’s wife says from the kitchen.

Officer Apple doesn’t say a word as he walks in the door, over to his living room, and falls into his reclining chair with a loud sigh.

“That rough, Mac?” Clementine says as she walks over.

Apple sighs again. “It’s just that no matter what we do, no matter how hard we try, we just can’t seem to catch this guy. We finally had leads, but now the guy giving us to them is dead, and its just--I just--” Apple tries to finish, but he begins to break down. Clementine gets down closer to his level and holds him.

“I know that it’s been rough for you ever since Peary died. He was more than just a partner to you--he was your best friend.”

Apple sniffles. “ I just--I just--maybe catching the guy that killed him will bring me some peace.”

“I know Mac,” Clementine answers, “But catching a perp can’t bring him back. You haven’t been sleeping, and you’ve been working so late. Peary would want you to be healthy.”

“I know Clemmy, I know.” Apple rests his head onto her. “Hey, Clemmy?”

“What is it, Dear?”

“Thank you.”

🍎🍌🍊

“Data says that they should be right there.”

“Roger” Officer Apple speaks into the headset.

“Wait, Officer Apple, don’t go any further we just got word that--” the line cuts out.

“Hello? Hello? Ava, are you there? Ava Cado, are you there?” He quickly realizes. “Shit, the line’s busted. Guess I have to go into this myself then.”

Officer Apple slinks around the halls of the abandoned warehouse. This is it. This is where all the pieces lie. Orange has to be here. This hell can finally be over. “I can finally bring Peary’s killer to justice.” Adrenaline rushes through Officer Apple, which would normally be welcomed, but right now it is distracting him from the questions he should be asking himself right now, such as ‘where is the rest of his squad?” But Officer Apple is too filled with vengeance to even think straight, which is why as soon as he comes to the door, he opens it.

The door leads to a large, mostly empty room, save for a metal chair, the figure sitting on top of it, and the person standing behind it, in the shadows. The person sitting on top of the chair is easily explainable--it’s Orange, the fruit Apple had sworn to bring to justice. But the one behind him was harder to explain. As Apple realized, his face dropped, because it was--

“Clementine! What--what on earth are you doing here?”

Clementine steps closer towards the light, tears in her eyes. “I’m sorry Apple, really, I am.”

“I needed a man from the inside,” Orange spoke up, “But I couldn’t just quite get anyone from your little force willing to tie on. Not even your little pear friend.”

Apple’s heart dropped and his voice changed into a weak whisper “Peary.”

Orange continued, “So I had to get rid of him.”

“You monster!”

“Oh, but that’s not all. I realized that I had to go deeper. Besides, anyone will talk once enough is on the table.”

Apple averted his gaze from Orange and switched it to focus on Clementine. “Clemmy? You? Why you? How could you do this to me?” Tears began to cloud his vision, “How could you!”

Clementine merely just looked away, not possessing the strength to face him like this.

Apple asked again--”How could you Clemmy, how could you?”

“It’s not you Mac, it’s me” she replies while taking out the handgun she was hiding behind herself.

“But I loved you!”

“Love is what brought you here, isn’t it?” Orange laughs maniacally while taking out a gun of his own. “It led you here, to this empty warehouse! It led you here to your demise!” Orange cocks back his gun.

Three gunshots go off in the warehouse.

🍎🍌🍊

Juice splattered the walls, bright red and orange colored peels littered the ground. The smell of citrus stained the surrounding air. The room is as silent as Orange’s still body on the ground--wounded with two bullets, one lodged in the front, the other in the back. Well, almost completely silent. Apple is gasping loudly for air, roughly a quarter of his body now dislodged from himself and browning in color. As he huffs and tries to hold on for his dear life Seedcinati’s EMS squadron pummels through the door. They load his nearly lifeless body up onto a stretcher, and carry him away. But a third body was missing--Clementine was nowhere to be seen. Maybe she escaped to Orangentina, or Pearis. Maybe she went to stay with her cousin, Lulu Lemon. Who could really know?

🍎🍌🍊

“I want to thank everyone who gathered here today,” started Mayor Rudy Baga, standing rigidly at the microphone of his podium, “This matters more than you know.” He pauses.

“Officer Macintosh Apple. What can I say? He was a coworker. A husband. A friend. But more importantly,” Mayor Baga wipes a slight tear from his eye, “He was a hero. Officer Apple, please come up here to accept your award.”

Officer Apple still looks a little roughed up, banged and bruised. He is currently confined to a wheelchair, being wheeled by Chief Artie Choke. Chief Choke has a pep in his step, and is beaming nearling as bright as Apple, who looks more relaxed than ever. Mayor Baga turns to look at him.

“Officer Apple it is my honor to bestow upon you the Seedcinati Hero Award. You have displayed not only courage, but also great willpower whilst you worked to bring down the dastardly gang led by the notorious Orange, who ran this city like a plague. After all of this stress you have experienced from cracking down on this case, I hope your retirement is a restful one. Once again, it is my honor to present this to you.”

“Thank you Mayor Baga.”

Mayor Baga leans down closer to Apple’s ear and away from the stand’s microphone to give him the award. “You’re a good seed, Mr. Apple.”

...

i am ✨so sorry✨

6 notes · View notes