#blueridgemountainwoman

[blueridgemountainwoman]

Changes!

Changes and these changes I’m not embracing very well.  Yes I’m grateful to have found a job but......it’s going to be tough for so many reasons.  

And, I feel alone, I feel like I can’t count on anyone and I just want to hole up and not move and the grief is hitting me hard the last few days. 

I’m sad, so very sad and I miss Stephie and I have regrets and sometimes I selfishly wish she was here, because I miss her so very much! 

[blueridgemountainwoman]

Back Road Riding, soothes my troubled and worried soul....

I hadn’t been out in a few days, haven’t felt so great physically or mentally and I hadn’t shot any photos in several days and I took a needed break from FB but although the light wasn’t that great, (cloudy and late evening) it was what I needed.  I was reminded of how beautiful (what others might consider a dark gloomy day can be).  Light rain and late evening sets a certain mood, which probably matches my mood lately, which has certainly been dark and gloomy at times.  

Scattered, I guess that is the best word I can come up with to explain how I feel. I feel that I’m not doing very well with my faith, I feel worried, because of money and know I must find a job very soon but I’m not so sure that I’m up to it and although photography has my heart, it is not going to keep me afloat.  What to do, I don’t know, where to look, I’m not sure. I know I’m no dummy but I’ve been a long time off the market, with my years taking care of Stephie, so I have a big hole in my resume and not to mention my age could certainly go against me.  

Sometimes the pain is deep and I feel like I’m running from it as much as I can. I’m looking to others to soothe me, help me and I feel let down at times because sometimes I’m disappointed  but on the other hand what can someone else do, they can’t fix it for me.   It seems that most journeys in life, we may have support, but we really walk alone for the most part, well except for the heavenly Father and that is where I feel I’m lacking in faith as I’m not leaning on him enough.  Part of me knows that he is really the only one who even begin to help me heal.  Losing a daughter......it’s still unfathomable at times, even though I always knew that day would probably come.  

Life goes on around me, sometimes me as a participant, sometimes I want to be part of it, sometimes I just want to be alone....crawl in a hole, never open myself up to anyone. 

[blueridgemountainwoman]

I’m swimming in a black hole

Of anger, self pity and pain....

[blueridgemountainwoman]

Darkness and Light....

Which one am I today?  

I guess it depends on which hour you ask me.....

[blueridgemountainwoman]

The Forgotten.......

[blueridgemountainwoman]

Responsibility and ethics when shooting abandoned properties.

I got something to say.....As you all probably know, I have shot and still shoot many old abandoned structures, (I use that word abandoned although it often isn't accurate in the truest sense of the word), but I think you know what I mean. Anyway here is my point...  I'm in a lot of groups  on FB, some of them whose sole purpose is abandoned photography.  I cringe every time I see a shot and someone has included detailed location info in their caption of a non public place.   It's irresponsible and it's just not cool at all.  When someone gives that information, they are telling the whole world (which includes thieves and looters and vandals), here is an old structure and here is the address so pay no mind that it is someone's property. 

Providing location information is so wrong and so disrespectful to the property owner and if you are one of the people who do that, then you are unethical and lack a real love for the abandoned, IMO.  

[blueridgemountainwoman]

Early Fall and the old house......

[blueridgemountainwoman]

It was a long day...

And it’s not over yet. I’m so tired!  Stephie is still awake. :(  

[blueridgemountainwoman]

“Interesting”....

When someone uses just that ONE word in a comment on a FB photo.  What the heck does it mean?  Do they really mean your photo is interesting, if so why not say {that’s interesting}, I mean really it’s just one more word. ha   

Or.......are they dissing you with a passive aggressive, “interesting” as in, I think you you have something different there but I really truly think it sucks, but instead of saying it sucks,  I’m just going to say “interesting”.     

Filed under........oh heck I don’t know.  ha  

[blueridgemountainwoman]

I really don’t want to know....

That’s right, I really don’t want to know your politics on FB. It’s such a turnoff and if you are one of those people who never fact check anything and just slap it up there just because you agree. Even worse.   I have been known to refuse a friend request or two or three or maybe even more, ha, because a person had nothing but politics all over their FB page and yes, I’ve booted more than a few too. 

  Yes, I know, it’s your page and you can do whatever you want to do with it, but it’s so NOT my cup of tea.   My life is stressful enough, I don’t need that.  

[blueridgemountainwoman]

The Little Town of Blowing Rock, NC a beautiful little place!  

[blueridgemountainwoman]

Wildflowers! 

One of God’s gifts of beauty, of which there are so many! 

[blueridgemountainwoman]

The Road Ahead

We sometimes think we have control of what we must face, but the truth is, we have less control than we’d like to think......

The best we can hope for is a smooth pleasant ride, and that the bumps aren’t so very earth shattering but sometimes they are, but we gotta ride them out anyway. 

[blueridgemountainwoman]

My Stephie passed away. :(

It will be 8 weeks tomorrow and sometimes it still doesn’t seem real.  There was a great outpouring of sympathy and support at first, but it seems to have dried up.  I have decided that I’m not going to say anything else about it on FB, I think people are tired of hearing about it. 

It hasn’t helped that I finally came home a couple of days ago and everywhere I look, the things I see, the things I touch are all painful reminders that she is not here with me. 

And I’m angry, it takes nothing to piss me off, slight me, ignore me, not reaching out to me,  and yes I know that isn’t fair, but I’m just angry and most people don’t have the understanding or ability to understand it or put up with it and hey why should they?  (It’s one of the stages, this anger).  

And I’m paralyzed, I haven’t got anything accomplished in this messy house, I just want to cover up my head and go to bed, not think, not feel, escape. Everything I try to do is painful and makes me cry with missing her.  I know, I should just suck it up and get at it, but I haven’t found the energy to get in the shower for the last two days.  Just a shower seems daunting and how crazy is that?  

To add to my stress, my employer hasn’t called me back about if they are going to let me take another 30 days leave, ( I don’t think they will) and I’m going to lose my medical insurance and frankly money is getting really tight, not sure how I am going to pay my bills beyond a couple more weeks here. 

I finally went to the doc last week, (before I lose my medical insurance). He gave me several DX, one of course is depression, (no surprise there) and he wants me to go to therapy.  Well I will, if I can afford the gas to get there and I still have medical insurance.  

Someone said, get a job.  Well, I don’t think I’m in the right mental condition to do that right now and that isn’t even mentioning the difficulty I may have in getting a job because of my age and my resume has a hole in it for the last 10 years from taking care of Stephie.  I hoped to do something with my photography but what I’ve put out there so far, (portraits sessions) this week, I haven’t gotten even one response.   Great uh! 

Oh and I put out a Patreon page yesterday, (worked on it all day).  So far, one patreon, yep, one.  People are so used to getting whatever they want to see for free here on FB, they sure aren’t going to pay for it.  What they don’t realize is, they are paying for it with their eyes, the FB advertisements, the data FB collects on your viewing habits is worth a small mint and most people never think about that and yes people will love and brag on your work, but when it comes to actually paying a small price on it, few will actually put their money where their mouth is.   I thought my prayers were answered that I should do it this way, so that I could survive and give back too but maybe I just stupidly following my own voice. 

Yes, I’m having a pity party today......

Maybe tomorrow will be better...

[blueridgemountainwoman]

From Monday evenings back road ride....

[blueridgemountainwoman]

Blue Ridge Parkway Beauty!