#blegh i kinda feel like im all over the place with this one i dont even know if im making sense with what im rambling haha

[nastyburger]

Can you talk more about the episode "ghosts don't need babysitters"?

ghosts dont need babysitters is basically meant to explore the concept of being accepting of someone on paper vs actually handling that in practice.

it takes place recently after danny and jazz are on the same page with the whole identity reveal thing. she knows and understands her brother is phantom, shes seen him transform to fly off into the night, and she whole heartedly accepts him for who he is and all that junk of course. and now danny knows that she knows, so hes more open with his abilities and natural state of being rather than hiding it.

but watching from afar vs actually interacting, navigating, and living with the whole ghost thing is a whole different battle jazz has to work through. ESPECIALLY when its coming from her little brother who, from her perspective, has changed extremely suddenly and randomly. as cool as it would be to just very easily roll with the punches on this kind of thing, the more realistic scenario is that you gotta have time to adjust to it. like what do you do when you wake up one day and suddenly your little brother youve known all your life is just casually floating upside-down vacuuming the ceiling. even if you like conceptually understand he can do that, its gonna be a trip seeing that for the first time lmao.

the episode premise is basically jack and maddie have to leave town for some ghost sciences exhibition for a weekend so jazz is in charge of the house and danny while they’re away. because there’s no one else in the house who doesnt know danny’s secret, he basically goes all in on metaphorically having it all hang out. hes got nothing to hide! he starts being a whole lot more ghostly and does a lot of random stuff that makes no sense to jazz out of context more openly (like doing experiments on how his newer powers work, trying to figure out or hone specific skills, sticking his head into some ghost invention for whatever reason).

its mostly a comedic thing, where we’re looking through jazz’s outside perspective lens on the whole situation, but the more serious note is that she genuinely struggles trying to be supportive of whatever weird thing danny is doing and act normal around it. but you know, its hard and jazz is putting too much pressure on herself to not make her brother feel like a freak over this very precious piece of information she was trusted with. eventually, at after the series of kinda funny/awkward interactions, danny kinda catches onto why jazz is being all weird and isnt happy about it.

he sits her down and basically tells jazz that its okay to ask him questions about the whole ghost thing, its okay to be a little weirded out and show any reaction other than positive, he wont be hurt as long as she just for the love of god talked to him about like a normal person instead of trying to pretend he’s a normal person. at this point, danny has fully come to terms that hes different both socially and literally, he doesnt need this whole song and dance jazz is doing to spare his feelings. its who he is! he knows people arent used to it, thats his normal so its okay if people need to ask questions about it to understand him.

 the episode is meant to show that you’re allowed to make mistakes when getting used to something about someone and how being overly considerate can actually be alienating more than it is allying. some people just arent normal, its okay to recognize and embrace that instead of trying to make if feel normal for that person!

in all honesty though, the heart of the episode is essentially “jazz keeps walking in on danny doing a lot of weird ghost shit and is kinda weirded out by it”. the whole deeper meaning and message is there but its still overall a light hearted laugh and jazz learning the lesson to not overthink how she should interact with her brother just cause hes different.

[slasherscream]

A/N: these are headcanons/drabbles i plan on writing and i remember telling y'all i'd post this list/outline at some point. i was gonna wait till i wrote them all so you could see before/after but ...i need to be held accountable to write them because im a lazy bastard. so -

                                         THINGS TO WRITE:

one. billy is a ghost and reader is a clairvoyant / dealing with billy’s mom coming back to woodsboro after he is killed/revealed to be the murderer. scream two based. angsty as shit. ft. billy confused that his mother cares but hurt that it took her so long so show it.

blegh:  

two. sidney x m!reader x tatum / headcanon set. general relationship things. maybe college based? tatum and sidney go away for college and date and there they meet you. a new ghostface strikes. this time it isn’t the boyfriend?? both maybe think it is for a second and you’re hurt but get it(tm). the bad ass trio that dont stop. you just come in swinging on bitches my man. nobodfy hurts your griflriends and gets away with it! we stan!

blegh:

three. jd x black!reader / you meet when he moves to your city miami, florida. y’all first meet at a 7/11 close to your school. he makes a commentary about you mixing your slushies flavors. “a purist, eh?”, you shoot back laughing, "life’s too short to not get wild.” he thinks you make an excellent point. you see each other again at school. “well if it isn’t little miss. mixer.” he smirks. “purist.” you answer back smiling. “haven’t seen you around before”. his smile gains an edge to it, it hadn’t before “i’m new. i’m always the new kid.” you don’t like the look on his face so you loop your arm through his, “well new kid what’s your next class. wouldn’t want you getting lost.” jd: “won’t you be late to your own? you seem like the type of girl who hates being late.” you: “maybe you need to get to know me before you decide you know what kind of girl i am.” jd: “yeah .... maybe”. it’s just you and your mom, the opposite of jd and you love each other to death. she adopts him quickly. jd becomes part of your family. spends more time at your place than his. 

his dad says he’s leaving. jd turns eighteen in three months. you tell him don’t leave. your mom is a wildcard and literally goes to jd’s house wiht you two following behind her like little ducks. she says “your son wants to stay here and settle. graduate from one highschool he manages to attned for more than a wek. leave him with me i’ll take good care of him.” y’all are best friends and get closer everyday. the night he turns eighteen you make him a cake and put it down in front of him. jd: this feels kinda sixteen candles-y. reader: blow out your damn candles and make a wish jd. jd: why would i need to make a wish when everything i want i already got. he smiles at you softly and you want to melt. the candle is also melting. you pick up the cupcake and hold it up to him to blow. reader: make a wish anyway. he does, leans in and for a moment the candles flame flcikers over the shadows of his face in the prettiest way. then he blows softly and the flame goes out. the only light in the room form the moon now. you fall asleep curled up on the window/bay window seat together. you wake up in his arms. 

jd talks about his plans now over breakfast and your mother smacks his hand gently when he mentions maybe finding a new place to live. “that’s not how family works, jason. annd you’re family. don’t you forget that. no boy of mine is gonna be running off to live alone when he’s not ready. you stay here with us until you get sick of us. don’t go running off just cause you think you have to. we love you here.” 

he looks suspicously teary eyed and can only manage to clear his throat and give her a stiff nod, “gotcha mrs. L/N”. your mother is just as good at speaking jd as you are now and knows what he wants to say is “thank you” and “i love you”. she gets up to kiss the side of his forehead and you get up and kiss his cheek. he holds the both of you close to him and it quickly becomes a group hug. / COMPLETE

blegh:

four. hannibal x black fem!reader / you’re a young, clever black doctor and hannibal is utterly intrigued by you. he knows a diamodn in the rough when he sees one. eat racists? flourish. 

blegh: 

five. norman x black f!reader / realistic in that there’s some discussions of racism. but not all that much considering the time period the movie actually takes place in. not heavy enough to trigger anyone. you roll into the bates motel after you get attacked. you’d gotten your tires slahses by a couple of smallheaded racists. you need a place to stay until your car is fixed. you’re hoping you can stay there but you’ve been turned away by three other places who don’t serve your type of people. you’re in near tears by the time you get to the bates motel. he stops dead in his tracks when he sees you. you’re the prettiest woman he’s ever seen. you walk up to the desk and youre voice shakes a little when you ask him if he has room. the vancay sign is on but you know that doesnt mean a damn thing. he doesnt answer that question at first because you look so tired and sad. asks you whats wrong. you start crying softly and tell him the day you;’ve been having. norman is surpringly bold when he puts a hand over yours and tells you that of course there’s room. you stay for a few days getting close. you even stay a day longer than you need to, car fixed but norman insisting you stay another night on the house because “oh don’t drive so late. rest until morning” then morning comes and you “can’t leave without a nice, hearty breakfast”. you both keep making small excuses to delay your departue. but you know you’ll have ot go eventually. 

when you do finally leave you thin you havent been imaging the way he looks at you. you lean up and kiss the corner of his lips. when you pulls back you both smile sadly at each other. two months goes by and he hasnt stopped thinking of you since. you’d been in his life less than a week bu the think s he’ll remeber yuou foreer somehow. he’s at the front desk when you walk in, a suitcase in hand and a sheepish smile on your face. “do you have room?” you say somehow managing to be coy and nervous at the same time. norman is so overhwelmed he runs from behind the desk and kisses you. pulls back so quickly as if you’d burned him with your lips. he can’t pull awau too far, you’d already thrown your ams around his neck to keep him close. “i’m sorry that was awfully forward of me y/n” ... you smile, put a hand to his cheek “i must confess that i’ve done something even more forward.” .... “you have?” ... “yes. you see i have all my things packed in the back of my little car outside and i was hoping that maybe you had room in your heart for me along with ...maybe needing some extra help at the inn for awhile.” this time he kisses you and doesn’t stop himself for a long while. when he does pull away it’s to touch his forehead with yours. he looks like he’s expericing peace for the first time in his life, “my home is your home.” he barely stops himself from saying your his home. / COMPLETE

blegh: 

six. tiffany valentine x black fem!reader / you run a witch/voodoo shop and you think tiffany is another boring, annoying white “uwu we are the granddaughters of th witches you couldnt burn” goth bitch but.....she’s actually the real deal? you two proceed to fall in love of course. 

blegh:

seven. carrie white x fem!reader / you’re a poet and fall in love with the sweet, quiet girl named carrie who is your bestie’s roommate in college. at first she thinks you’re joking  or teasing her. you prove to her you’re not. “i want to do to you what spring does to flowers.”

blegh:

eight. tatum x black fem!reader x sidney. you are a cheerleader for the opposite sides team. your team is losing badly. the other cheerleaders are losing spirit. but not you. you only cheer louder. get more rambunctious. it’s cute. she leans down to hand you an ice cold water bottle at halftime. you’re sweating up a storm. you smile gratefully at her even as you wonder why she’s being so nice. fucking watched bring it on to many times. maybe just wind up being tatum x reader??? tatum is a jock with five braincells she deserves a cheerleader.

blegh: 

nine. billy x black!guy reader x stu. NO fucking ideas yet. but it is time for black boy joy on this blog. maybe just general relationship? black boy activist and they love hos passionate and serious you are about the bullshit of the world. perhaps huey freeman type ass. get closer to you and oh...you are soft(tm). 

blegh:

ten. actress drabble part three? Billy and stu make you feel normal. You like hanging out with them. They had idolized you and some part of them still does but now they know you as a person and idealization of their scream queen has mixed with knowing just you. They’re in love. They want you to be in love too.

debating horror with them?? fun times. will y’all start dating in this one?? mmm probably not. the pining(tm). it’s about the LONGING. the HANDHOLDING. if you will. 

blegh: 

eleven. horror writer continuation part two. billy x fem!reader x stu and you are all becoming friends? sometimes you just go over to their house to write and chill? they know how famous you are now (obvi) and like to be nosy about what you’re writing. they actually read your books so i guess they CAN read after all (billy read them to stu...stu did not lay eyes upon written word). sometimes you ask them questions like “how long do you think it’d take someone to bleed out if they got stbbaed in (very particular way)” and the boys answer in 0.2 seconds. tomfoolery. find out their killers now or later? i don’t know. more ideas to come hopefully

[deeeelightfuldee]

What's a restaurant that you won’t ever have dinner/eat at again? there are a couple places that have nooooooothing on the menu that appeals to me. like millers ale house. blegh.

Did you have your morning coffee this morning? Or do you not like coffee? I dont drink coffee.

Is there someone you know that is absolutely repulsive? yes.

Are you tired from last night? Did you stay up late last night at all? i stayed up later than i wanted but just because my mind was goooooooin.

Have you ever seen like THE hottest guy ever and just almost collapsed? lol i have seen some very, very, very handsome men lately that ive been like “wowsa. wooooowsa.” kinda like stops you in your tracks sort of hot. but never did i risk collapse lol

Do you eat randomly, just whenever the hell you want? i wish I would have meal planning it is just so hard for me without an appetite and without people who have the same meal opportunities and requirements as i do.

Did you have trouble getting up this morning? no, i was fine.

What's a movie you cannot BARE to ever watch again? there are a lot. i would never watch gremlins, charlie and the chocolate factory, seven brides for seven brothers, etc. ever. ever. ever again.

What’s a few things that automatically make you go, “Awww”? reunions. i love being at the airport early and seeing people find their people. i love puppies clumsy behavior. 

Do you have soft hands? Do you like holding hands? i have always been told my skin is extremely soft, especially my hands. i love holding hands.

Have you ever burnt a food, and make the whole house smell gross? lol yes but not frequently. it happens.

Wouldn’t it be awesome if you had your own personal jet pack? it sounds awfully dangerous. also the landings sound painful.

What’s your opinion on perfumes that are REALLY expensive? Do you like them? there are a couple i LOVE that are ridiculously pricey so i dont ever get them. i do think sometimes the more expensive ones last longer so you get more bang for your buck then a cheaper one where the scent is gone in a matter of an hour.

Have you ever really hated a teacher and practically made it clear you did? lol yes. well, not hated but ummm strongly disliked yes.

Who got you hooked on the addiction you’re addicted to (If you have one)? my current addiction: greys. no one got me addicted to that.

Are you a little bit cautious around horses? Do they scare you a bit? I’ve grown up around horses so no, they dont scare me. but it is always good to have some caution around them as they are extremely powerful animals and should be respected as such.

Have you ever burnt your tongue like REALLY bad? If so, what on? yeaaaaa. im pretty sure it was on pizza rolls. it was like painful for days.

If you could live next door to ANYONE, who would you want to live beside? i would really love to live next door to someone i care deeply about. but it will never happen. i just think it would be cool to eat together or be like come over. come see me. lets have diet coke on the porch etc.

Do you think your friends are pretty? Do your friends think you’re pretty? my friends are insanely pretty. it hurts. i dont know. i kinda doubt it.

Do you like having random power naps now and then? sure

Are you currently worried about your parents finding out about something? no. i don’t think about what my dad knows, ever. 

Do you like concerts? If so, do you like being in the mosh pit? concerts are fun with the right people. no i do not like the idea of hot sweaty people shoving each other around. 

Have you ever “liked” two guy best friends at the same time? lol no

Do you think having a sleepover with a guy is theoretically acceptable? i think it will always have an air of potential danger in terms of sexual aspects, unless there are separate bedrooms n such. i think night time can bring out a lot of ... feelings you dont otherwise have lol

Do you like to have cake on your birthday? Which kind of cake in mind? i love birthday cake. i would legitimately do anything rn for a cake. i dont even care that they have gluten i just want cake.

[warmau]

{Special} College!AU Yuta

major: plant biology

minor: n/a

sports: soccer team

clubs: photography club, earth coalition, did debate team for a while but only because he liked getting into arguments with doyoung in front of people LOL

is really popular, fun, and relaxed,,,,,,you can see him taking a stroll from the library to the lab looking absent mindedly at the trees or at the sky

but don’t underestimate him,,,,,because he’s actually really smart and organized

a lot of the research he does in his courses is praised by his teachers even though he’ll play it off and be like “ah~ i got it right? what luck!”

but in front of other students he’s like hell yeah im the prince of the plant biology major ~~

likes nature so decided he may as well make a career out of it, also taeil told him once that he looked good in white so getting to wear the lab coat kinda makes him giddy

but he frequently likes to hike and go to forests,,,even on days when it isn’t required for his major

flirts naturally with everyone, from the TA in class, to the people in his group, to people in completely different majors, once came in to check up on an experiment his group was doing on some eucalyptus plants and i shit u not he touched a leaf and was like “ahhhh, you look pretty today~” to the freaking plant

tried to tutor for plant ecology but yuta has this thing where he can plan everything perfectly in his head but when he gets to actually trying to explain anything he’s like ah,,,well,,,you see,,,,one plant,,,and other plant,,,,become friends??? wait no,,,,,biologically plants cant make friends,,,,,,they,,,,,,interact? first date? yEARS of EVOLUtiON haVE CREATed This pLANT,,,,,,,,,,,,does that not make sense

but hey,,,he tried his best

doyoung calls him “narcissist nakamoto” anytime they see each other on campus dfldskdg

but honestly,,,he’s not wrong,,,,,because every soccer game the uni has yuta somehow ends up flashing that handsome smile of his and ending up on the front page of the uni’s sports website, the uni journal, hell even the other teams school has photos of yuta because he’s undeniably attractive

esp in a soccer uniform with his hair pulled back, pretty sweat down his strong jawline, and his eyes that can go literally from ^__^ to the most sERIOUS expression

comes of cool~ and suave~ and like suuuuuch a smooth talker

but all of his friends just sneer when people gush about yuta because they’re all like “this is the dork who calls his mom at like midnight and says he misses her and cries” and also apparently enjoys kidlike things like amusement parks and kamen rider 

“isn’t yuta soooo manly and dreamy~?”

taeyong somewhere: he collects anime figures don’t trust him

jokes jokes

but it’s cute,,,,yuta is all flower boy charm in his pressed lab coat and brilliant big smile and always trying to show off that he’s a gentlemen 

but also squishing winwin’s cheeks during lunch because wahhh so cute and getting all happy over the new pokemon release like,,,,,how soft

his dorm is slightly disheveled but it proves that he works hard with stacks of books and highlighters alongside the many trophies and medals he’s won for the school

(and ofc,,,,,his kamen rider figurines lmfao)

but yep it’s summer!!! which means a lot of kids have left the campus but some classes are still going on

you happen to not be taking any,,,,but you get a job at the local fair that’s going to run all summer a couple blocks away from the uni so you decide it’d be better to just stay in the dorm and well,,,,,make that Money

yuta,,,,,,,is also staying but that’s because one of his group studies is being conducted by a teacher who won’t be back in the fall

and tbh you only know yuta vaguely,,,,you’re friends with jaehyun who has talked about him and you’ve seen him in the school news

but,,,,,you’ve also “heard” rumors about him,,,,,how apparently he likes to flirt as much as possible and isn’t really interested in anything serious

someone once said something about how he accepted ten confessions in a day but then broke up with the girls through text

and you don’t???? know him???? but those rumors feel weird and full of jealousy

but at the same time like what is it your business anyway not like you and yuta have ever interacted 

until,,,,,,that changes

see your job at the fair is pretty simple,,,,you sell tickets to the ferris wheel and tell people which cabins to sit in

the ferris wheel is pretty tiny considering this isn’t a permanent fair,,,,and the rides like 5 minutes tops,,,,,but it gets fairly popular

esp at night when all the couples walk by sharing ice-creams and cuddling up close when they buy tickets

and secretly you’re like blEGh,,,but at the same time cant lose this job so u just smile and sell tickets

and??? that’s when you notice that almost every night

yuta comes by

and you know it’s him from the face but also,,,you’ve heard him speaking japanese on the phone when buying tickets,,,,,and you don’t think anything of it

but he keeps only,,,buying,,,,one ticket,,,,,every night

and idk you don’t want to say anything because maybe,,,,this is his stress relief from summer classes????? but at the same time everyones saying this popular boy who could have anyone he wants on campus is spending his nights. alone. on the ferris wheel

somehow, without either of you saying much to each other you memorize the time he comes by and save a ticket just in case 

like two weeks into this whole ordeal you dont even ask him to pay you just hand him the ticket and yuta gives you a look but you’re just like,,,,,go

because honestly you start thinking up ridiculous scenarios like,,,maybe he cries in there???? maybe the ride reminds him of a lost loved one??? maybe,,,,,,,,he uses it as a place to scream out all his frustration 

and the tickets are way 2 overpriced anyway college kids need to help each other out

but ,,,, the night before the third week of summer classes starts yuta finally says something to you 

and when he does you almost fall down,,,,because????? but as you slide the ticket over he goes “this place closes in half an hour, right?”

you nod 

and he’s like “ill be by the entrance. let me treat you to dinner.” 

at first you think you’ve heard wrong - maybe that he needs to treat someone to dinner

but when you meet his gaze, yuta smiles and is like “i promise to be there.” before walking off like it’s the moST Casual thing to ask a STRANGER to dinner

it shocks you so much that you barely manage to stutter out a “ok” when he’s literally gone

as,,,,he promised yuta is standing at the entrance as you come out still wearing your uniform t-shirt with the fairs name sprawled across the front

and yuta motions to it and is like “cute” and you’re like um,,,,,,what is happening

and he smiles again,,,so bright even though it’s nearing ten pm and he’s like “i know you,,,,,not from the fair but from college. you go to the same one as me.” 

you nod slowly but you’re still obviously confused

which only makes yuta chuckle, throwing his head back a bit when he does but he’s like “don’t worry, im not being creepy or whatever. it’s just,,,,,i know you’ve been giving me the tickets for free for a while so i thought i should do something nice back.”

the sentiment calms you down a bit,,,even though you try to say it’s fine you don’t need to be treated but yuta just throws his hand around you

pulling you by the shoulder closer and he’s like “nah,,,,we college students need to jump at any chance we get not to waste money - so c’mon!”

and that’s how you end up at a small stall at the night market,,,,yuta piling food onto the tiny plastic table as you watch him balance drinks in his other hand

for a moment you think back to those photos you’d seen of him on the school website. the star shining athlete of the soccer team

yet here he was,,,,looking something close to a fool,,,,,but in the most endearing way

you don’t expect to talk with him for a longtime,,,,but you do. 

yuta has a way of making people feel comfortable,,,,he’s obviously sociable and sweet and it’s hard not to like someone who gives compliments and actually seems interested in you

especially since the summer semester has left you pretty lonely on campus,,,,

but when you check your watch you’re shocked to see it’s nearing 1am and you have a shift tomorrow at the fair 

so hurriedly you and yuta clean up and practically sprint back to the dorms,,,,yuta making a joke about how he hasn’t run this much since soccer practice ended 

but as you stop in front of your dorm yuta says your name,,,,,smiling and adding that he’ll see you tomorrow before heading off into the other direction 

and it’s not till your brushing your teeth,,,,,looking in the mirror that you realize,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,that you just hung out with nakamoto yuta

the next night yuta shows up as usual,,,,this time he slips something toward you in exchange for the ticket,,,,,,a ice-cream bar from the grocery 

he says that it must suck to not be able to leave and take snacks and you look at the ice cream and go “how did you know my fav-”

and he grins and is like “ah, did you forget, you told me yesterday~ i personally like their green tea flavor more but,,,,”

and with that he waves,,,,going toward the ride and you sit there,,,,looking at the ice cream

and before you know it,,,there’s a small smile on your face

yuta is even waiting for you at the entrance again so you guys can walk back to campus together

this,,,happens for a bit,,,,,and then there’s a day when you have off and you pass yuta on campus only to have him call out to you and pout because you’re not at work~ he won’t see you later??

and you’re like nope i have the day off, you’ll actually have to pay for your ticket tonight 

he makes a face that makes you burst into giggles and he’s like ill have to call my sister for more money at this point,,,,,,,or oh,,,,,should i try and get doyoung to use his card,,,,

you shake your head because what street fair accepts cards???? and he’s like rats ur right,,,,,,

but it’s cute seeing him like this,,,,, in the daylight,,,,,eyes sparkling and pretty,,,,,,,

bUT you shake that thought off as soon as you see a group of underclassman walking by and calling out to yuta,,,,,saying something about how he still owes them all lunch or something

and the rumors you’d tried to forget come back to you,,,,,,,because hey he probably isn’t treating you any differently than how he treats others

catching feelings for him???? Big No No

but yuta turns back and says he’ll see you tomorrow then and there’s a hint of happiness in his tone,,,,,but again you’re sure you’re imagining it

so why is it that the next evening,,,,your stomach is full of butterflies,,,,,,you’re practically straining your neck to see if yuta is coming,,,,,,

the moment you see the familiar silhouette you start adjusting your hair and shirt,,,,,,,,god it makes you feel embarrassed but also,,,,,when his face appears in the window,,,,,smiling and happy

it makes your heartbeat surge and you mentally have to keep yourself in check as yuta tells you about something doyoung texted him this afternoon 

tbh as you hand him the single ticket,,,,,you get the sudden urge to ask ‘why don’t you ever take someone with you on the ride? like on a date?’

but you know you shouldn’t say something like that

but when you feel his hand brush against yours,,,,,you just,,,,,,you burst

“yuta, why don’t you ever ride the ferris wheel with someone else? someone,,,,,,special?”

yuta seems taken back,,,,,for a split moment even speechless but he just looks down at the ticket and you,,,,snap back into reality

and start to apologize because that was,,,,,rude of you,,,,,super rude,,,,,god why do you never thinK properly before speaking

but yuta just chuckles and is like “ok, you’re right i should take someone special can you give me another ticket?”

your heart literally drops into your stomach,,,,because,,,,,he does have someone special,,,,,,,,,,,,

but hiding your trembling hands as you print the ticket you hand it to him only to have yuta give it back and he’s like “let’s go.”

honestly speaking you shouldn’t ever leave your post at the ticket stand but the park is closing in ten minutes and there isn’t another person in sight so when yuta pulls you in behind him ,,,,,,

you find yourself sitting in the see-through cabinet,,,,,the lights of the two flickering below you as the wheel starts to turn

and you’re too busy looking at the view to notice yuta is staring at you

funnily enough,,,even though you’ve worked most of your summer there,,,,you’d actually never gotten to ride it before

so with the sudden invitation to get on,,,,,you kind of got excited,,,,,taking your phone out even to take photos

until you hear yutas voice

“so, ive taken someone special now. are you happy?”

and you look at him and blink,,,,,,,because wait,,,,,,,,are you that special someone???????

but ur like no no no way and so you change the topic and you’re like “why do you ride this every night? does it help you think?” 

but yuta just shrugs and is like “no. i just like it. i,,,,,,like it enough to ride it twice,,,,,three times but,,,,,,,”

and you look up from your phone at him and suddenly he’s leaning over

hand coming up to hold the side of your neck

and just as you reach the top you feel his lips against yours before he’s pulling away and whispering “but i like you so much that i thought if i come everyday,,,,if i ride this everyday,,,,,won’t they notice me in time?”

and,,,,,,,,no one has ever,,,,,,so straightforwardly,,,,,,,said something like that to you so you’re shocked,,,,, 

nearly dropping the phone in your hands but,,,,,,,,,but also,,,,,,you manage to ask “w-why?”

and yuta laughs,,,,,,hand on his stomach and he’s like “seriously? why? because,,,,,i saw you and it was like i was looking at my dream,,,,,,the person of my dreams,,,,,,,,and then when we got to talk i knew it was right. that you’re the one.”

the ferris wheel starts moving slowly again and once you and yuta get to the bottom you step out of the cabin,,,,,still trying to process the confession from him

when yuta’s hand slips into yours and he’s like c’mon your shift is over. let me treat you again.

and,,,,,,,you follow him but suddenly halfway down the streetyou stop and yuta turns to look at you and you’re like,,,,,,, “don’t play around.”

and he’s like ? what

and you yank your hand from his and you’re like “don’t play around with me. i don’t want to be just another person you woo and then,,,,,and then dump.”

yuta watches you,,,,,nervously looking toward the ground and he lets out a sigh and is like “do you think im playing? do you know how much money i spent on that ferris wheel in the first two weeks? 6 bucks for 6 days out of the week. that’s 36 a week, that’s 72 for tWO YOU KNOW WHAT 72 DOLLARS IS FOR A COLLEGE GUY DONT YOU”

and you look up and he’s like “listen,,,,,,some rumors about me are true. like how i stare out the window during class like a moron but am also ranked in the top five of my major. yeah i tend to fall over things because im not looking, but im still the ace of the soccer team. and yeah,,,,,,,,,i like to talk and be nice to lots of people but im not a player. my feelings for you are for real.”

you swallow the lump in you throat,,,but you’re also like,,,,,,,r-really?

and yuta is like yES really now do you feel the same or no?

you look at his outstretched hand,,,,,,,and you look at him,,,,,,,the smiling boy who’d treated you to dinner, who’d come everyday not to ride the ferris wheel but to see you,,,,,,,,,,,,and you take his hand

because what is there to lose in trusting this handsome, sweet guy,,,,,,who just happens to love corny things like the ferris wheel LOL

and most people cant believe yuta is actually dating,,,,,,,,,but not because of those stupid rumors but because he seemingly has never been interested

and when you meet his friends for the first time johnny asks if yuta didn’t perhaps pay you on the downlow to pretend-

but yuta is like heY im not you mr. chicago and ur like ????? and johnny is like fine fine fine

taeyong pats your shoulder and is like “good luck, he’s a handfull.”

you also learn of yuta’s undying fondness when it comes to transfer winwin which you dont mind because,,,,,the kids adorable and you and yuta are both like “he’s so cute” like 24/7

much to the disdain of literally everyone else,,,,,,,,winwin is lowkey savage though he told you once that you were too good for yuta who apparently is much more airheaded than it seems

but you were sure he was joking

until yuta literally almost burned down the dorm trying to make homemade takoyaki,,,,,,

but boyfriend!yuta is just,,,,,the best

he’s so fun and upbeat and never,,,,,like,,,,,,pushy

like sure he makes jokes about being prince of plant biology or the only man worthy of your attention

but he’s coming from a place of genuine love,,,,,and his want of your attention

which is kinda cute because if you ignore him for more than like twenty minutes you meet aegyo!yuta which,,,,,,,can either infuriate you or melt you it’s always a 50/50 draw on that one

yuta also loves taking photos which is something you leaned when everytime you’d go on a date he’d start taking candids of you

and you’d be like babe im just ordering off the menu we don’t need to take pic- but yuta is already like its fine i took one of you and it’s up on insta i tagged you check it out

his sister calls to check up on him and you’re always nervous to talk to her,,,,even though she roasts yuta to you and it’s amazing,,,but you’re always like i want your family to like me,,,,and yuta is like how could they not like you when i like you so freaking much

his sister told you about his flowershop job in highschool which you think is just the CUTEST so you always jokingly ask him to get you pretty custom bouquets 

but the thing is,,,,,,,,he does,,,,,,,he really does

and he surprises you with this big arrangement on the 100th day of dating and each flower has a meaning for what he thinks about you and it’s so beautiful,,,,,,,,yuta no matter how greasy he comes off secretly is a big sappy romantic. fight me on this

takes you hiking with him and if you get tired he’s always trying to get you to let him carry you and you’re like NO and he’s like “why not i am a man of nature, man of the mountains-” and ur like man of the mountains when you drop me accidentally off the cliff hell no nakamoto

if anything you do like hearing him talk about his major,,,,because people think he’s good looks and athleticism

but he’s also so smart,,,,,and his notes are all over the place sure but he knows what he’s doing and it makes you so proud

you caught him dancing in the lab once when he thought no one was alone. did he serenade a plant? he most def did

the hottest thing about him though,,,,is during his soccer matches it’s like 0 to 10000. at the beginning he smiles and waves at you blows air kisses and does the usual cringy sappy stuff

but,,,,,once the game is in heat,,,,,he changes completely

the softness in his eyes and smile are gone,,,,,,it’s just a fierce stare and raw determination 

and,,,,,,it’s ,,,,,,,,,a turn on especially when he wins and runs up the bleachers right up to you to get a kiss and slip his medal off to put around your neck

liKE,,,,,,,how idea,,,,,,,,,also getting to shower with him afterward?????? even more ideal

even though yuta can get pretty interesting,,,,intimately he’s always mush and goo for the kisses you give him on the tummy

when you both are just lazing around and he’s playing some 3ds game and you heads on his stomach going through your phone and you just lift up the hem of his shirt and kiss his tummy 

he makes the cutest,,,,,,,like the CUTEST hehehehe laugh,,,,,,,

“yuta,,,,don’t you have lab hours to do?” “yes,,,,but i also have cuddle hours to do so get over here”

when you’re upset,,,,,,yuta is,,,,,actually really good at comforting, he reminds you that he’s here,,,,,,by your side and nothing will hurt you and he’ll help you no matter what

and no matter how childish his interests are like video games and amusement parks,,,,,,he’s a serious man when it comes to you and your happiness

his mom texted you like 40000 baby photos of him which you love and cherish and yuta isn’t actually embarrassed at all tbh he thinks it’s adorable you fawn over him

(aka he lives for your attention. if you don’t give it to him, like i said, he turns into a mess of bad attempts on getting you to show him your love LOL) 

sleeps in class and still gets straight A’s - it’s infuriating 

but also,,,,,whenever you guys have time you’ll head into the city to the amusement park and get on the ferris wheel because no matter what yuta remembers it as your “first official date spot” even though that’d technically not be true

but it’s cute and it’s important to you two even though doyoung is like “go to a restaurant like ADULTS” but you and yuta aren’t rushing to grow up

any1 who spreads rumors about him gets you super worked up and you’ve screamed at a good number of people and yuta and the boys always hold you back

but afterword yuta is always kissing you madly because “wow i love you so much you stand up for me all the time and wow i love you ok im gonna keep kissing you no-”

you guys are a fun couple ok

still flirts with u even tho ur dating but he does it with plant puns to be cheesey. “will you never leaf me?” “if you were a flower you’d be a damndelion” “we were MINT to be”

what im saying is yuta comes off as not being a dork, but he’s the biggest dork

OH wearing his soccer team hoodie and people being like “wait, you’re dating nakamoto?” and you getting to be like yes ;-) yes i am ;-)

find other college!aus:

taeyong | bangtan | vixx | monsta x | got7 + kard + amber | seventeen | 

[actualbird]

tagged by @ezramakesanentrance!! hiya!!!

im a huge cop out with these and i never know who to tag that i wont annoy so i just….Wont tag anybody. im a coward, sue me. but here r the answers!!

1) What color are your eyes?

dark brown

2) Do you have any internet frens?

hhhhhhhhhhhh im scared to call anybody a friend because idk if im oversteppng boundaries. but uh. the moment you engage me in a conversation? i love you and youre my friend. 

3) What are your favorite songs?

my taste in music changes wildly on a weekly basis but here are some all time faves: Calendar Girl by Stars. One Angry Dwarf and 500 Solemn Faces by Ben Folds Five. Your Universe by Rico Blanco. 

4) Do you have any pets?(if so what kind and names?)

YEAAAAHHHH. we have 5 dogs, Bec (jack russel terrier/poodle mix), Muffin (shih tzu), Suju (lab), Arya (lab), and Robbin (lab). and we got two turtles too, both of them red eared sliders. Isaac and Tweek.

5) Do you live in a house, a townhouse, an apartment, etc….?

one floor house kinda super close to a river that has a tendency to flood in the rainy season. blegh. love this place w/ all my heart tho. even when it’s submerged.

6) Favorite musicals??

so many????

pippin owns my ass because it was my first musical and got me to love theatre. jesus christ superstar is a close second because it’s fucking jesus christ superstar. les mis holds a special place in my heart esp since it’s the first Big musical i saw live when les mis manila happened. spring awakening and next to normal also get honorable mentions because they Rock and got me into the more recent musical scene (my tastes were very very classic back then) +++ a local prod, three stars and a sun, a ridiculously cool jukebox musical using the music of francis magalona about post apocalyptic philippines. and another local prod, kung paano ako naging leading lady, a musical about superheroes. i have too much love in my heart for musicals

7) Have you ever broken a bone??

no!! it’s really weird!! ive fallen down flights of stairs several times and still no broken bones, so i think im invincible. i’ll update you guys when i get hit by a car if my hypothesis holds true

8) what do you want to/study in college??

im currently studying creative writing and in the process of applying for a minor in english literature. yeah, i know. im That Pretentious Student. if it makes you feel any better, i dont smoke and i have mixed opinions on slam poetry. 

(of course, no offense to those who do smoke and like slam poetry. you do you!! cyn!! thia!!!)

9) favorite food??

candy. all candy. my dentist hates me. they had a candy booth at school once and i bought like 3 bags of sour tape and i ate it all over the course of a few hours. but if we’re talking Actual Food, i’d leave somebody at the altar for sinigang. 

10) Favorite meme??

doge. Judge Me All you Want But It Was A Good And Nice Meme, Okay. 

11) Do you have any hobbies??

writing fanfiction is my main hobby but i also crochet!! not as much now tho…i also like origami, but i only fold the same six designs over and over again because i cant stand it when theyre not Perfect. im also rather obsessed with folding these same designs smaller and smaller. itty bitty paper cranes. 

[thegeminisage]

more botw blogging, SUPER spoilery

this is a real long post sorry normally i break these up and this time i didn’t

and finally, off we go to a new province

this time im making its tower my first stop, since i can see it from here

i tried to paraglide across the river but i didn't have enough height so i landed on the cliffside and ITS RAINING!!!!! for fucks sake

i cant believe this game actually got me to hate rain..........

not only that but when i died in the water it didn't reload me back to where i started to glide from but a bit of cliff i stood on lol so #struggles right from the first minute

rain for the next 3 hours.......and i gotta climb it in the rain....jesus

i guess i could fast travel but i'd have to walk all the way back there :/

hmm. maybe the gae's throwing me the rain on purpose. an npc mentioned this river was notoriously difficult to cross :///

yep as soon as i turned away: it cleared. Great

well i see some bridge-like things further downstream i guess i'll check that out

lol jk i managed to glide across a different part and climb

like i saw my forecast change but then it changed back to sun so w/e i'll take it im up here now

aaaaah i can see so many cool things from here!!!!! i cant wait to explore them all!!!! that #new province feel

i hate like, feeling obligated to track down every last bit of stuff in the old ones when you're seeing new exciting stuff

but i love the feel of getting to a new one and not even knowing which cool thing to check out first

ohhh my god lol there's a big-ass bokoblin camp on the way to the tower i think i see a moblin but im not sure

aaaand im dead

at least there werernt any moblins!

tbh it isnt a difficult camp i just wasnt vigilant about healing

me every time i see something new: what the Fuck is that!?

in this case it was an ice wizzrobe which made it snow EVERYWHERE oh my god

That Was Difficult

if i didn't have my fire arrows and lynel bow it would have taken way longer

i died again!!!

those weird pattern bokoblins have SO much attack power ):

come on i have to clear out the camp AGAIN? and kill the wizzrobe?

naw dude i am skipping this nonsense i am going straight up the fucking cliff

HA i sniped them from above >:3

w

there's a zora on top of this tower!!!!!!!

omg poor thing he can't get back down i wish i could carry him on my paraglider

man i love the tower cutscenes and music and the way they unfold it's so cool

BIG SHINY NEW PROVINCE YYYYEAH!!!!

oh hey i found another zora down near these bridges

they all want me to go see their prince haha noooo i have too much to explore!!!

oooh it's so easy to get all turned around on these bridge thingies

man i love this province it's SO pretty

ah i found a goron on a sandbar!! how did you get out here with all this water...

nooo the blood moon again i knew it was coming the music has been funny all night >:(

lol jk the music faked me out its 2am and i warped to the stable for nothing (i was trying to get that one dude's reaction)

i came back and did the shrine and found another zora!! lol they all really want me to go see that dude

there's a thing i need to climb but ugh rain

while i was bored i chopped grass and attached octo balloons to things

now i am in the wetlands which are AWFUL to walk through i can practically feel the mud squishing between my toes and i want to die lmao

there are horses here!! i miss mine ):

ive done enough shrines now to get another upgrade but i dont feel like doing all that backtracking blegh

oh noooo i see a guardian out here, a moving one ;_;

ah it's been awhile since i failed to fight the still ones on the plateau...i wonder what the start screen meant by "the right tools" ive got a lot of damn tools!! did they mean arrows??

lol yet another zora telling me to meet with the prince.........dude

this prince must be either desperate or spoiled

uh

okay maybe its a glitch but i think?? i see?? a flying island in the distance? What The Fuck

wait no it looks kind of like a ship or giant bird??

my pins don't stick to it, it's definitely moving around

jesus fuck

AHAHAH FUCK THE GUARDIAN SAW ME

HAD TO TAKE REFUSE IN THE FUCKING SHRINE

jesus christ i hate those things!!!! you can't kill them!!!!!!!

NO oh my god there's a hinox over here too

why this Why This

lol the hinox fighting music is giving me trauma flashbacks

actually that wasnt so bad with a defense elixir on

maybe it's just me but this province feels kinda small? i feel like i could finish exploring it p quickly, which is nice

not that i'm not having fun but i know i'm going so slowly ):

me every five seconds: i miss my hooorse i want one to ride around to go faaaaster

i guess...i could catch...one of these

and like. not register it bc the stable is 10000 miles away but

a temp ride. let's see if i can. need to use up some of my sneak potions anyways

i caught one and rode it awhile, but my heart's not in training it...i want My Horse

oh my god wait i hear town music!! is this a stable right here!! AAAAAH

so i did catch a pretty black one and named it luna - had to let the first one i caught go lol but it didn't have great stats and i only rode it once so it'll be happier in the wild probably

KASS IS AT THIS STABLE IM SO HAPPY SO IS HESTU

he's playing epona's song i'm gonna CRY

I MISS EPONA IM DYING

oh my god he had a story for me!! the same one that impa told!!!!! man

the music is still so good. fuck.

lmao i was talking to one dude and he was like well might as well head back inside ugh that place is so filthy and the women so free you might as well call it a manfill

UM?? NINTENDO??

i can see hyrule castle super close from where i am and it looks super scary and i super want nothing to do with it rn

i get the feeling you can like, go in there whenever? maybe even do the endgame stuff early? but oh my god i Dont wanna

OMG i just mounted a bear

i read that you could ride things other than horses but holy shit lmao

i mean

it killed me after i got off, but man

sadly i must now board my horse and continue with The Story see i explored the non-story bits of that province SUPER quickly dang

oh no

this shrine is called a minor test of strength

Oh No

Why, God

oh. that was actually like SUPER easy compared to the other two haha phew

this lady at the crossroads said the prince was creepy omg i knew there was something, ahaha, excuse me, "fishy"

whoa i love his music theme!!

lmao i always get so SHOCKED when they talk!!! even still!!!!!

voice acted cutscenes of this game are like fmvs of final fantasy games in generations 5-7 lol

oh my god...the wink/sparkle thing...he's such a HAM

he's flattering me TOO much omg dude what do you want.......

ok, ok, i like him

he doesn't seem very trustworthy but since his people are in trouble i'll cut him some slack on that one

oh nooo i gotta climb this in the rain......

ah, it's sunshowering tho! that's kinda neat

i just got attacked by octoroks and my heart wept a little because traveling up zora's river dodging octoroks to get to and save zora's domain...I've Been Here Before

listen, i could write a book on this

(lol i did write 300k on this but shhh that was a long time ago)

like...if link is actually a reincarnation does he get flashes of memory

oot happened in every timeline but i know wind waker didn't

but do you think assuming this is in the same timeline as wind waker something in him feels at home the first time he sails a raft again

or hears kass play epona's song at the ranch

or ducks an octorok on his way to zora's domain

people treat the incarnation thing as a kind of tragedy - the world will never be free of evil so long as ganon/ganondorf exists

but maybe there's happiness in it too

no matter what happens, no matter how sad the ending - i mean hell, in this very game, link and zelda LOST

no matter what though, it's guaranteed that they'll see each other again

over and over and over without end, link and zelda are gonna meet and be together for awhile while they defend hyrule again

frankly if that's not a soulmate idk what is

and frankly i'm perpetually offended that they don't develop ganondorf the man more like they did in wind waker...that was the Peak tbqh

i would kill for something like that again

anyway

i love how present the current here is, like with the stuff floating down the river, thats a NICE touch

tbh it's actually really nice that he keeps uselessly checking on me on the way up the river

like, i've been so lonely

even now i miss my companion going "what's WITH that guy" like they probably would if i had one

so this is nice. tbh.

i know it was probably a deliberate choice and makes the game stronger but a companion for this game, someone to share it with...that would've been cool

even just zelda as the protag, she could do some internal narration

but the whole thing is just so quiet.

this place is so pretty tho?? in the distance i see these like, pink coral looking plant things, and the blue columns and bridges are gorgeous

OH NO LIGHTNING GOD WHY

i think its an area thing too i cant just wait it out lmao im gonna Die

oh jk it's just rain now

idk why my entire forcecast changes to a particular type of weather and its only like that a few seconds...super weird and annoying

lol sidon all "you're almost halfway there i believe in you!!" and not helping fight and link's little "k" wave

i love link as a silent protag even if i did have him talk in my writing like it's so endearing

i wonder if link is like sgr like "i am 100 years old what is this zora kid even doing. what is he EVEN DOING."

lol just had to dodge some rocks rollin down a hill

you see this is what i mean. there's a weird sense of familiarity and nostalgia if you've played the games a lot. i wonder if the spirit of the hero feels that way with each new adventure, too

like if he's okay doomed to an eternity of fighting and parting with zelda over and over

because in the end he always gets to do this again

like i can see the spirit of the princess/goddess being high key miserable about those circumstances but i wonder if the spirit of the hero is maybe secretly glad

because part of him will always yearn for the next adventure

he never COULD be happy settling because this is what he was born for

WE love doing this again and again and again, maybe it's not such a stretch to think the spirit of the hero does too

or maybe i'm projecting so hard onto him because undertale has so successfully blurred the line between the player and the game for me LMAO

oh man i just noticed all the names on this map

lulu, mikau ;_;

i miss them!!!!

just once i wish zelda games would feature the same side characters in two or three titles

we never got to see saria or darunia or lulu again

we get to come back to the world but every friend we've ever made has been gone

like some narnia shit i swear to god

lol this is why i should never do story all i do is rant about My Zelda Feels, which are literally endless

oh NICE battle with a blue moblin on the bridge!!!!

ah i like the zora history here too please give me all the worldbuilding i wanna know everything about this world that i can bc rn all i know is "we got Fucked"

i guess i also know about the automans but i need More

i say, while procrastinating on getting to the story

in other news i have an ice and lightning rod which i havent bothered trying to use

bc when i tried to use the boomerang i failed utterly lol

but these? holy shit dude these are Powerful when you actually land a magic hit like Dang

i Love them im never avoiding another wizzrobe again (thats where they drop from)

oh wow

i finally made it, and

man. oh man. it's so beautiful

i wish i could see if better

jesus the zoras always had the prettiest parts of the games imo

OH NO THE MUSIC

OH NO!!! im gonna cry omg

it's the same melody from oot i think!! oh my god!!!!!!

omg there's a zora here named rivan who says he knows me?!?!

omg no he's listing some of link's old pals from Before im so sad why can't he remember

OOOH i shouldn't speak to the elderly bc apparently i am "guilty" of something?? i love this development PLEASE tell me more

i love that they all age so slowly #nice

am i walking into a fucking execution lmao sidon don't play me......

omg the little zora kids are adorable!!!

omg there's a statue of the zora champion ;_;

man this is all so cool i wanna know EVERYTHING about what happened back then!!!!

lol the shrine here was SUPER nerve wracking god you had to like, roll the giant ball down a hill and stop time at JUST the right moment skjghf

oh my gosh ANOTHER zora who knows me (lol "linny")

im so ;w; they all know me!!!!!!

i slept on the blissful water bed at the inn and was mystified and alarmed by the sound effects but i got an extra stamina wheel and 3 extra hearts!!! god damn you can't beat that shit

im so amazed at how many people knew link and like, blame him? i wanna know so bad what happened, i wanna know more about mipha

ten bucks says she's still alive and like trapped in the divine beast but corrupted

or a ghost or something like the old man ;_;

aww zoras sleep in the water aw aw :3

i'm loving this theme of link sleeping for so long like at first i thought of sgr but i just realized it's also like oot (and i can't believe i didn't make that connection first...)

like in oot the people who knew him Before are so happy to see him again and are sure he can help them

but in this game it's a bit mixed

and in this game we don't know the details of 100 years ago yet ;_;

zora's domain here is like. so GLOWY. reminds me of waterfall from undertale tbh lol i wanna paint it

so i'm talking to the king and this one elderly zora goes "the hylians abused an ancient society's power to turn hyrule into what it is today" & like...tbh my dude you have a point. if they had never gotten those guardians out then they couldn't have turned on them

oh my GOD

i just got my first look at a divine beast and i can't believe i was calling them jaegers

my jaw dropped irl holy shit

like that thing truly looks both divine and beastly (this one is an elephant)

is mipha still in there as like a ghost ;_;

it's so clear how much everyone misses her

and she seemed so sweet in the one short memory i recovered

every time sidon does his sparkle smile i love him a little more

i didn't trust him at first bc he seemed a little too eager but now i see he's just doing his best!!!!

especially as someone who thinks radically and progressively in a society where elders stay around hundreds of years

YESSSSS I GOT ZORA ARMOR!!!! YES!!!!!!!!

SWIM SPEED UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

omfg and it's an engagement thing just like the sapphire

MADE BY MIPHA?

thats right that other lady said link was supposed to choose between her and mipha

listen mipha seems cool and all but i've been shipping zelink for 19 years, so

oh NO, mipha had feelings for link

oh no poor mipha...oh my god

WAIT AM I ABOUT TO GET ANOTHER MEMORY??? OH MY GOD!!!!!

duuuuuude

"no matter how bad the wound i will ALWAYS" heal you and then link wakes up in water

did she do that!!! did she save him ;_; oh my god im going to cry

"you are quivering like a hatchling" PLEASE protect my poor son

muzu is making me sad dude he misses her so much and he hates this so much

ooooh i have to fight another lynel for shock arrows...good Lord im not looking forward to that

I KNEW IT

"calamity ganon took control of the beasts and trapped the champions inside" yep either she's still alive like link and zelda or her body is in there and so is her fucking ghost

DUDE!! i just swam up my first waterfall and it was AWESOME!!!!!

so im at shatterback point now hwere lynel is just bc i wanted to swim up a waterfall but probably he will kill me quickly lmao

apparently you can mount him too which. sick.

but idk i dont have any good food or elixirs or weapons ready im just up here for science im probably gonna knock off soon i gotta Draw

Oh Fuck There He Is ):

it's super tedious to have top go back and delete every fucking picture i take for my copendium one by one those shouldn't save in my album automatically come on dude im trying to take a picture of this lion centaur thing here

aaah there's a rainbow here too #nice

ah well got him about a quarter pf the way down before i died :/ not bad for being completely unprepared

tbh i only had one defense food?? had i had more i could have whittled him down eventually

anyway thats all for tonight!! i doubt i'll play anymore tonight bc i have drawing to do

lol this is a long post but it's all in one bc i'm typing them in notepad now and don't have to worry about them getting too long

[haeroniel-doliet]

thbleugh but what bich is gonna fight me for me

idk im just gonna rant again, im sorry if youre on mobile just like, give it a big flick and fly past this i tried i actually have a read more this time

anywy im feelin shitty an dumb n weird an its not fun?? like do we try categorize these feelings: 

1. i have 3 days to pass a course and all the course work i failed to do in fucking march 

1.b. all those emotions to do w unis great! but also ive been solow and sad and dysfunctional its not rly even funny, grades dropping many levels in half a year like. sure grades dont define my life but considering how easy it is for me to get those grades to see them consistently and kinda dramatically dropping isnt helping (even though like i actively know i got lower grades bc i didnt fucking attend class or take in any knowledge. i realise hahah im making a psychology reference bc im a smart psychology uni student.... hmh oh yeah we, we learned about this, i dont know it. my peers do. oh. oh i didnt, i didnt learn anything. oh no. im here to learn abt the subject im supposedly loving and thats the best fit for me bc like hell id be an artist. anyway i have a lot of shit down here i havent figured out who to talk it out to. the mental health advisor didnt have the time for it rly and w counsellors its been different topics but now were in summer and id rather spend the spare money i can rattle off my parents on ballet than a psyhc i could see 2 times best. im just gonna have to wait till septembet bc my dumb white wall subscitption expired too damnti. ugh im just, okay lets move on

2. inadequacy thats not justified? like it is obvs bc it bothers me and i know i can do better and i am better than this all and i clearly have smth stopping me. while to others im doing just fine if not better than them who are really struggling and kinda dont have sympathy for me who goes ‘ugh im doing so badly and struggling, i mean i write perfect essays in one go but its just so hard to do thattt and i know im smarter and better than this’ esp bc say putting words together in that way is difficult on them and not been good at school

2.b. like being good at school but noot being good now, classic phenomenon or has my school system always been the softes most coddliest and where in the normal or worse school 1would have performed average and maybe learned to study and the worth of it to do better, ive just been good enough that caring became so unnecessary i need to waste my time on pointless but constant other things. like youtube and rpchats. constant monotone stimulation for hours. andhours. 

2.c. asking for help bc im struggling w actually getting over the fuzzy and struggle and self hate and blegh feelings to do some work thatd allow me to pass the coursein my 3 days of the very last extended time. and then realising, ah either youve slaved over your work and stressed and panicked to have it good and on time and have no pity left for me and my foolishness, or you never got to uni/struggled to go to uni and think im wasting my opportunity by being an ungrateful lazy piece of hsit. and i know ia m. and 2.d. its the reason why im not doing extra volunteering or serious extra curriculars thatd give the headstart in my lfie. bc, even tho on one side i wanna be that kid and owuld scoff at ppl not doing it who are here for fun and get a degree on the side, rn i see it as not stealing away dedicated good peoples spots who deserve to get the extra recognition for being clever and independent, meanwhile knowing htat probablyill be just fine. worst case scenario for me is literally (ok theres worse but v unlikely) living w my parents and ending up at a mediocre service job to another mediocre office job or smth and never get to a lab bc i wasnt sufficient enough and i never got the cotton balls out of my head and cleared up again to be smart enogh

okay what next, shitty privilige, crying abt my cotton ball head or not being smart

3. okay were gonna do the smart first bc my chest hurts and i kinda feel like crying or smth abt it. like in a dumb (fun) chat im playing athena known for wisdom and all this shit, and though i can throw out a quip or two or cleverly use smth to keep the smartass wisdom stick going on, every now and then i realise how dumb i am and not smart enough that another person could clearly fill this in much better. like. you know all the hilarious posts abt mansplaining and women being pushed out of their fields by dumber men who think they know better bc the others a woman and like, yeah? things where they are confident enough to say, actually i am way smarter than you and i know this bettr. here i am feeling like even if i spent years researching smth i wouldnt have the confidence to feel smart and knowldegeable abt it. like rn, i cant even hold arguments anymore bc im a fool. and i come off as dumb and i dont want to be, i still wanna be the smart kid, but im not working my brain im not doing work or research or learning, im jsut floating by w my cotton ball head thats getting fuzzier and fuzzier and though i can do tasks and would probably b v compeittive if it came to that and need to prove myself as smart, i can no longer feel like id hold my own, esp when people poke holes so easily, trap falls, “hah you dont know what to say ive bested you you dumb bitch” vibey things i just. its horrible? i wanna be smart and be confident in my smartness and feel recognized as smart by other people and live up to that expectation of actually being clever. and not just, knowing im smart enough in some ways bc school ive  passed so easy w always good remarks and participate well in class discussion and all, and im sure nobody thinks im rly dumb bc if i have to ask things im v friendly and try to be attentive. and idk if nobodys expecting more than me, bc again if i cant answer ive developed to be v chill about it and come off as average i guess. 

anyways 4. privilige; like thers multiple inc. the fact im fucking finnish aka my education system was supposedly one of the best, i grew up international so i wasnt even confined to one shitty school in one shitty town, ive had varied school experiences and switching so much i think has given me confidence in myself and shit like that. also bc im finnish i get grants in uni, like free money. and so far i have barely had to use it bc surprise my parents are togther and decently well off bc they got lucky w a job being fancy ppl for 3 years and my older brother is already  adulting and slowly doing his own thing so i can have more money from them. aka. catch my dad paying all my rent and food and everything i need/ ask for on the condition we keep a good releationship. and im reasonable bc he raised me smart apparently idk. but that still means im living at home i have no intentions of becoming an independent home owner bc idk how i would esp since ill be with my parents most holidays for years to come and idk even when or how ill become a real adult being in a real home w real comapnionship. bc rn idk who im even gonna live with, hopefully be civil w them maybe even make a bit of friends but im not gonna have a significant other to move in and support me for a while bc thats a thing idk if were getting into today in this why im feeling shitty rant. 

4.b. so im priviliged in everyway to go to uni for free (damn i gotta apply for that again) in a nice country and a nice and supportive school and get funding from both my parents and my country and not worry abt money and just get a degree all supported and babied again. im also, idk. priviliged bc, fuck writing comes easy to me, i know nayone reading my rants would be like... yeah this is barely legible and terrible writted and mind blurts so i say it is yes bc its mind blurts but i can organise my htoughts into fancy essays surprisingly easy and critical stuff like psych and english came  mad easy to an extent. sure, i wasnt talented in math but i still made it, i am not talented in science but sometimes the concepts click and i can . but then, im also talented in art. and im not ashamed to say its privilige disposition or talent or smth, bc damn. i do not practice or dedicate enough love to claim that. sure, ive drawn always, sure, ive practiced more as a kid thatn other kids and thats probably carried me thru pretty far, but i think ive just had a natural disposition to be good at art technique (creativity maybe not so, or inspiration) but i know what looks good and sometimes how to achieve that. cue montage to art class where i sit w my friends who are talking about bands or making outlines w nut shells bc there i am beside them doing the work in half the time twice as good. mostly bc the teacher wasnt great and would assign essentially copying a picture from a4 to a2 u know like drawing the same thing. and thats not easy. and youre supposed to build up really light layers and slowly refine it.  and ppl who listened only ended up w shitty light drawings that either look like potatoes or vaguely like the picture, while i with boosting confidence would go, we only do one super light sketch one medium sketch and one dark layer. bc by the medium one everything is in its place and looks abt like everyone elses and i need the dark hues to show it accurately even if it isnt perfect, and my work would like almost always stand out on the wall bc it was so different/advanced. i wont lie it influenced my friends to not draw as well or as much sitting next to me, and ofc id feel bad and i could never boast bc i felt bad that they didnt try bc they saw me, thought mines not gonna be like that so im just gonna fuck around and do whatever. and i obvs needed praise but would always feel bad bc it was obviously me who was the best in that class and its so self conceited but, it kinda just was true in that small class half of whom didnt want to be there. me butt kissin and trying to impress myself w my skill. catch like, that first day he asked us to draw the person next to us, and i made my partner draw me first, bc i just knew if i went first theyd look at it and draw me a potato stick figure in 5 seconds and say i cant draw like you. and true. while the rest of the class made sketchy circle guys, some looing so childish, here i went and said, okay i find it awkward having you stare at me and if  you move a lot it makes it harder to be accurate, so, like take out your phone and get comfortable and look down at that for a while hence drawing3/4 unlike anyone else w eyes cast down and damn if i dont remember it being beautiful and identifiable as that friend, even tho the teacher told ppl around me like, ah yes she did it this way, 3/4 not face on which is much easier. which is true but bitch you never said. sides it looks so much better and was so much less frustrating. anyway, even now in that chat i go and like drop my drawings in bc partially i just wanna draw more and showing people makes me draw? u know. and i kinda wanna get compliments. but ive figured im pretty humble abt it. and sure i get comments that are like god i wish i could draw like that from someone that doesnt draw arms or legs and theyre v bublehead cartoon. and im like. you could. but yours is still middle school level, so just, keep working at it, get confidence to break your mold. 

that andtheres this one chick that,,,, gawd, well they admit to being a sociopath in chat which is great and seem real attention seekery in general (theres a surprising amount of people, while in midst of rp and getting compliments go “well i guess im a shit rpr because nobody wants to rp with me ://) post art and then be like dramatically UGH i hate it it looks so bad im terrible at art, literally poster girl for fishing for compliments. and even if i dont like the style at all, i try give in anatomical pointers or smth abt the drapery or smth technical i can complement. bc id want the same i guess? and i dont love let alone like the art itself. and then, while getting so many of those theyre like “yeah well nobody likes my art, say it reminds them of this character (jessica rabbit while all hers have big hips big tits tiny waists massive lips massive eye, but just one eye bc the otehrs covered by hair like theres obvious similarities) which means im totally not original like i thought so why even try!” and other melodramatic things that i can argue, but they dont wanna hear it they want attention and praise and i just ughhh i could preach you about how no art is original and its all from influence, or how someone doesnt have to like your style to appreciate it, or someone might love your style and like. basic stuff ive figured out myself. and it gets frustrating trying not to get a superiority, or to start shoving my own art in there to try compete or smth. and its just. hard. idk. id k. i know theres people who are averse to art and never tried to be good at it who are obvs gonna be omg thats so good i cant even draw and ill be like, hah yeah sure dude if you tried maybe btut thanks. 

also drawing man its so weird, whenever i see someone elses drawing a part of me goes “we must draw so that we can show were better than that” like, either to get complimetns and shift it to me? or to just show them off. to be like. i can do it better. which i kinda hate about myself? that i draw mostly bc of that and a need to show off? like amxxs art or smth, them talking like yeahh ugly art is good art, drawing is so healing i feel great or im so proud of myself for improivng so much look at my art, and a part of me goes, awh yes! my theorys proven working on art for yourself improves and can cheer you up, another goes, yesnow i must draw to show how good i am and show how i too feel fulfilled by drawing but also make it about me by weeping how i hate drawing myself. literally smths wrong w me seeing others pot abt their midrift, or learning to accept their curves or drawing themselves or smth, and theres a gremlin of me going like yeah but i cant draw myself bc i tried once and it looks like shit and ill only highlight my flaws and im slightly afraid of someone saying it looks exactly like me or other dumb shit, or i dont have curves to accept bcim not big hip big thic thigh girl im just. my legs are big but mostly ugly bc of the skin on them not bc of their size (ankles tho oof) and i have no hips i have no butt bc it allwent to my stoamch thats also ugly and my broad   badly postured back thats also ugly w these spots and marks and scars soon probably. and saggy boobs dont forget those. bc theyre literally fat sacks aiming for the ground i guess. anyway. no cute curves,  no beautiful skin no nth its just tough and i cant help but feel the negativity towards myself in almost every glimpse of someone elses positivity. i dont always air it which would be horrible of me to do, but its still there. making their happiness about my misery. maxx loves their boyfriend?> i hate them bc i dont like him and its rining it> i hate them havingsuch a dreamy but fake seeming ‘soulmate’ relationship bc its not true and i think itll end up terribly> im neveer gonna have that and im jealous of them i guess having someone theyd dedicate so much to and who loves them so much theyre all over the place making sappy things> well theyre an oveer romantic whod do it over the smallest things this wasnt a great example. 

anyway yeah extra note, even if i felt comfortable enough for sex im not comfortable enough in my body for that and idk how thats relevant to anything but i guess thats smth id also talk w a therapist abt whod probably tell me, then dont have sex! like yeah thats my plan.but im talking never gonna be able to form a relationship bc even having a friend for a sleepover makes me uncomfortable having them see me in an uncontrolled clothed position. u feel. 

anyway i have a lot of little problems that amount and i guess when i start addressing one the rest pop up their ugly heads and this is why i never getanywhere. this all comes from  how shitty i feel from how i have literally not even 3 full days to complete those tasks and pass, and i know i need to, though nothing in me actually feels like itll actually do the work u know, that spiraled through that chat into privilige of being at school and how i should tryy a bit that turned to im priviliged to be smart to pass and in my talent in art despite not being an artist that spiraled to another way i disliked myself and thats my fucked relations to myself my body and relationships (esp including me that dont exist)  

side note, though no surprise if for some ungodly reason youve read this shit i wrote at 8.30 am when i have a docs appointment abt my very ugly skin at 12.45 i over share. easily. if somseone asks id give them all. look at this. even in that chat i spiraled from, hah fun fucked up thing im almost failing my course bc im a shit, to my  heads filled with fuzz and i hate that i cant live up to my potentia. and im surprised how much i like this one guy, though who with his character ripped into my athena and make me question all my smartness, really makes me feel better ooc??? like theyre genuinely nice and just too informed and funny and playing the dick for a very well thought out reason (drunk doesnt mean it etc) and while the sociopath gal is giving me the side eye after they tried to help but figured out im a prviliged kid whos in school for free and not making the most of it and how easy school has been forme when for them despite their hard efforts they failed high school.u know not reallly helping kinda making me fele worse bc i know i should be doing better and could be and not only bc i have a priviliged opportuntity to and ability, i would benefit so much more if i did it for myself. but here comes by weird guy who slips on a freudian approach and claims they love helping ppl through their problems so i drop another overshare paragraph if he rly wanted to help but lighten it by taking thetopic off, he doesnt return and never address my post bc now its onto talking abt the big rp thing. im not mad. i just, idk i kinda wanted their support, another poor stranger to inflict w my extremely troubled wordy lengthy and i guess complex thoughts and feelings and lack there of sometimes and other shit. 

anyway im not doing great but im gonna grab 3 hrs of sleep before the doc, come back, nap, go to ballet again, come back, ad.... do smth.. work. maybe. one can hope. i hate it will it actually work only time can tell and i hate myself already.ugh. i hate i hate im not okya with this why cant someone else deal w me for me. deal with all these feelings and botherings and make me do my work and be satisfied doing it and do it all in time and feel a little success and reward myself like i should for work done and not just when i want. idk. someone,t ake over my life, you might be better at it. help me dela with school that i currently hate the most even if im meant to end up a scholar or smth